Touching Grass
Anon’s having a pretty shitty day, all things considered. No real reason for it either, just a total stinker of a day. He lowers the mug of burnt coffee from his lips— he’d left the pot on the burner for too long this morning, and his nap had made him sleep in until later in the afternoon, but waste not want not, even if it doesn’t taste good. Really, it just kinda cements his already sour mood.
He shrugs. Taking a breath through his nose, he nods to himself.
“Fuck it, we ball.”
“Anon you are severally mentally ill.” The voice of Twilight Sparkle squeaks from the couch.
The human sighs before allowing a small smirk to cross his lips, he turns to face the purple pony inside his house.
She was dressed up in what Anon could only describe as a generic therapist garb, this time. Stiff beige suit and black tie, completed with glasses.
How original.
“Shit Twilight, I already knew I was the illest man alive, you don’t gotta tell me that.”
“Anon. Please. Take this seriously. All of the girls are worried about you, and yes that includes me.” Twilight cuts off any smart reply from the human.
He throws up his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Well uh… just don’t do that? It’s all good, baby.” He trails off, rolling the nasty coffee around in its cup. Was he really gonna drink the rest of this? Why?
“Anon…”
“Stop being so serious all the time purple. I’m about as happy as the sun is bright. This has just been a rough week. I’ll get over it.” He clicks his tongue. “Always do.”
“You’ve been locked in your house for weeks. And you’re not looking me in the eyes— guilty man!“ Twilight shouts while she accusingly points her hoof at him.
“C’mon now,” Anon eyebrows furrow as he shakes his head. “I like my alone time, what can I say?”
“The purple under your eyes could put my coat to shame, little human.”
Anon snaps a hand out to aggressively point at Twilight. “I’m like twice your size, fluff ball.” His eyes narrow. “Don’t test me…. my punting foot wouldn’t mind the practice, you… chunky dust bunny.”
Twilight, in stoic glory, puffs her cheeks out. “I’m growing my winter coat out, I am NOT chunky!”
“Whatever you say, tubby.”
“This conversation is going nowhere, you’re deflecting!” Twilight accuses.
“Yeah, so? What’re you gonna do about it, tuba’flub?”
“Perhaps… I shall turn you into primordial goo!” Twilight smirks, before a ponderous expression suddenly overtakes her face and she presses a hoof to her chin. “Hm… I have been practicing my ‘undo-atomic-polarities’ spell.”
“Uh…”
She whips her hoof to point at Anon, staring through her brows with a deranged look. “Let me give you care… or I will liquidize you!”
“Woah now, calm down there Twilight…” Anon lifts his hands up—coffee mug now abandoned on the nearest counter—in a disarming fashion. “I literally just wanna curl up into my bed and sleep all day like a little kitty cat, is that so bad?”
“It is!” Purple pony harrumphs, stomping on the carpeted floor with a dull thud. “A lack of motivation and oversleeping is a sign of depression. Go. Outside. You’re sleeping your youth away! And Ill have you know a biped like yourself shouldn’t be sleeping in a curled position, unless you want to get scoliosis!”
“Yeah well time spent enjoyed wasting, isn’t wasted time, and such and such. I think you’re just jealous that my spine is bendy and yours isn’t.” Anon smirks and crosses his arms, letting out a masculine harumph. “Whadya say to that, buddy?”
“Bologna…” Twilight growls.
“No thanks, I’m not hungry. And you could stand to lose a few pounds.” Anon walks up to the erect pony—not in a penis way—and pokes her in the side. “I mean look at this plumpness.”
Twilight ignores the jab, physically and metaphorically. She growls. “Mabye I’ll ask Pinkie Pie to setup a sleepover party. You know, to celebrate your new hobby of sleeping in.”
“You wouldn’t.” Anon narrows his eyes.
“Oh ho ho, I would!” Her smile turns vicious.
“It’s not even Christmas yet, so calm down. Evil devil, you.”
“I am a pony, not a devil.” She snorts.
“Fine, evil devil-pony it is.” Anon flicks Twilight’s forehead which causes her to hiss, before pawing at the carpet— which isn’t nice, that shit was expensive.
“Do as I say… or suffer the consequences.” Her tone turns dark, but not in a racist way.
“Are you blackmailing me?” Then Anon blinks, wondering if whitemailing exist— or, is that just regular mail? Is Derpy Hooves racist because for only delivering whitemail and segregating blackmail from her deliveries? Questions for later…
“Yes, I am.” Twilight hums, her eyes gleaming with playful intention. Or maybe the light was a little bit too bright in this room and was actually singing her eyeballs, who really knows. “Whadya say to that, buddy?” She mocks.
There is a brief staring contest before Anon concedes, his shoulders sagging. “…Man, I wish time skips were a thing in real life. I still have to do my three hour long moisturizer routine.” He sighs.
“I’ll help you!”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
After getting copious amounts of cream spread over his body in record time by one Twilight Sparkle, Anon finds himself trudging through the admittedly very well taken care of road leading from his house to Ponyville. Not that it make it any less hard, nor lonesome to walk.
But Anon was being so brave about it.
“Damn you, Twilight… forcing me to face this colossus without aid,” He hisses to himself, attempting to block the cruel sunlight from his vision with a hand, the poor basement dweller completely unused to their invasive warmth. “Evil. Evil pony…” He grumbles.
“Anon, I can hear you.” Twilight grunts.
“Then weep— weep from the truth I speak and repent. As only self-reflection can save you from this damned road you dare walk so brazenly.”
“You have this amazing talent of saying so much and absolutely nothing at all— also every road paved here was blessed by Princess Celestia herself to keep the pavement-strolling magic-wielding wild chupacabras at bay, it is most certainly the opposite of damned.”
Anon hums and clicks his tongue. “Y’know I always wondered about those things… to respond to what you said, I actually practice in the mirror a lot.”
“…Magic?”
“No you goof, empty words.”
“Oh, so I’m a goof now, am I?”
“Yeah. A goofy’n’evil devil pony.”
“Oh I get It. The horse’s name was Friday.”
Anon stops to look at Twilight, who also stops. “…What?”
Twilight blinks once. “It’s… it’s a joke?”
“No I understand the reference but Isn’t… isn’t whorse like, an insensitive-“
“Anon! Don’t say that out loud…” Twilight hissed, a hoof quickly clapping over his mouth.
Anon’s eyes bug out, as he realizes that a pony standing on their hind legs is in fact an very frightening thing to witness…
Does this mean Twilight could’ve boxed him for reals like he had asked her to do in the past? The idea of taking a pony within a ring (in a fight) was always a humours idea to him. Does this mean he could finally fulfill his lifelong dream of battering a quadrupedal pony in a fair fight: five rounds, ten minutes each, ended only by vicious knockout?
Ah… but it would seem Anon had been thinking a little too hard about fist fighting ponies again. He really needs to stop doing that, eventually his goals would become too lofty and he’d punch above his weight. Celestia, perhaps? Or maybe even her mother, if she had one.
Anyways. Twilight’s eyes dart around as if trying to spot an invisible assassin that might have them killed for saying naughty words: an invisible naughty assassin, if you will.
Pause.
“But you just said it too!” Anon swipes the hoof away from his mouth and causes Twilight to wobble back down to four legs, where she was once again level with his crotch which was where she belonged; his position in the food chain rightfully returning to its proper dynamic.
“No I didn’t, I said horse!”
“That is literally the same word!”
“Oh so you’re saying that all mares are the same, are you?”
“N-no?”
“Was that a question?”
“Stop gaslight-gatekeep-girl-bossing me Twilight, you’re freaking me out!”
Suddenly Pinkie Pie: the Queen of gaslighting, gate keeping, and girl bossing arrives.
“Hiya!” The pink menace blubbers after performing a summersault out of a nearby bush, hoof waving manically at the now very startled duo. She had done it so quick that it seems like a teleport. “Whatcha doin’ Nonny?” Her eyebrow raises, her eye suddenly enlarging, allowing her iris to become that of a spotlight glaring down on Anon’s soul. Her voice is quizzical, if slightly deadpanned. “Being a party animal I hope, hmm?”
Anon, used to Pinkie’s grotesque use of eldritch power, nods. A small smile of his face. “Always, Pink. You know me.” But then he coughs, leaning in, doing well to not knock an elbow into her cornea. “But I can’t be partying right now. Purple has me on suicide watch, if you’d believe it.” He whispers.
Pinkie Pie returns to her regular proportions, looking slightly solemn as she does so. “Aw… well it happens to the best of us, Nonny. Would a patented Pinkie Pie Sloppy Toppy make you feel better?”
“I told you to change the name of that. It’s Misleading.”
“Who’s Miss Leeding?” Pinkie tilts her head. “Is she trying to battle for the copyright of my Sloppy Toppy?”
“No I’m saying the name kinda insinuates something else. Most people wouldn’t associate it with a desert.”
“But you said it could still be considered a treat, right? So what’s wrong with it?”
Anon coughs as Twilight narrows her eyes at him in suspicion. “Don’t worry about it Pinkie… you do you.”
“No thanks, that’s gross, and slightly immoral! Anyways, see you later alligator!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, before reverse somersaulting. Not a backwards Summersault, she literally seems to reverse the flow of time around her. Even the leaves parting and their sound is reversed.
…And then she comes right back with another summersault.
“Hiya! I actually totally forgot that I’m totally suppose to tag along with you guys!” Pinkie squeaks, smile wide.
“…Okay?”
“Yeppers! Let’s go find us some adventure!”
“If adventure is making sure I don’t take a step in front of the Ponyville train tracks, then sure Pinkie.”
“Well that certainly sounds exciting at least!” She begins bouncing up and down. “Ooh! It’s been sooo long since I’ve dug a pony out of a suicidal slump!”
“Not suicidal. I was joking. And I’m not a pony.”
Pinkie Pie stiffened, suddenly hard as a rock. Once again not m in a gay way. “So I can be the first pony to throw a ‘Insert-human-name just beat the deepest weepiest depression, yippie!’ party?”
“…No?”
“Anon… you absolutely positively need to definitely beat your depression now.”
“I’m not depressed!”
“That’s something a depressed pony would say!”
“God fucken damnit— I’m not a pony!”
“Will ice cream make you feel better, Nonny?”
“No pinkie. I’m diabetic. And we already ordered anyways.”
“You’re a dirty filthy liar, Anon. You ordered pancakes! And… it’s never too late for ice cream.”
Anon halfheartedly mumbles. “A guy can try, alright?”
A sigh flutters out of Twilight’s lips. “At this rate we’ll never make Anon happy.”
“I’m plenty happy, thank you.”
Pinkie gasps. “Curses. He’s in denial. The first horseman of the apocalypse…”
“You’re talking about the stages of grief, Pinkie. And unless Anon counts his happiness as dead and buried, I don’t think he’s grieving.”
“Oh so she can say horse but I can’t?”
“Anon! We’ve been over this— don’t say that!”
“I’m inclined to agree with Twilight, Nonny.”
Anon snorts. “Whatever. I am grieving at how long it’s taking for these pancakes to get here, though.” He grunts, leaning his cheek into his fist as everyone waits in a booth. “Amirite?” He mutters.
“You ordered pancakes at four-o-clock in the afternoon. What did you think was going to happen?” Twilight raises eyebrow.
“Truthfully, I don’t know why you guys thought going to a restaurant would be the cure-all to feeling down. I could’ve just made pancakes at home.”
“But then you wouldn’t have gotten to socialize!” Pinkie squeaks.
“We are literally the only ones here.”
“That’s not true. Look, Princess Celestia is right behind you!”
“Wha?” Anon snaps his head behind him, to see that Celestia was not in fact there. “Why would you lie about…?” But when he turned back around, his pancakes were now placed in front of him stacked high on his plate. The server mare nowhere to be seen.
“Well now that’s just queer, ain’t it.”
“Language!”
“I’m not saying it in a mean way Pink’s, I was calling it strange.” Anon nods towards the tower of breakfast delights.
“Why would deliciously puffy, plump, luscious pancakes dripping with syrup stacked to the heavens be strange?”
“It was the speed at which they arrived, my dear.”
“Hm. And here was me thinking I was a pony.”
Twilight groans at the duo’s gay banter— really, they did seem to be having quite a lot of fun, but that wasn’t the point! They were suppose to be finding a cure to Anon’s woe! “Guys…” She starts, dutifully ignoring the way Anon started to put dashes of salt on his food. “We really need to come up with a game plan.”
“Hm… plans are overrated ain’t they?” Anon mumbled through salted cake and sweet syrup.
Pinkie actually shakes her head at that. “Personally I believe them to be integral towards achieving a goal!”
“Yer sho right though.”
“Don’t speak with your mouth full, it’s gross.” Twilight winces. “And Pinkie is absolutely right. We need a proper laid out plan to help you overcome this formidably hump… hm… perhaps we can set up a itinerary… Yes, perhaps a more clinical approach to extracting your happiness is what we need, Anon! I’ve always wanted to try my hoof as a therapist!”
Ah, so the getup finally comes into play.
“I think I’d rather kill myself, to be honest.”
“No you’re absolutely right, Anon.” Twilight hums to herself, squinting her eyes in a show of deep thought as she caresses her chin. “I am more inclined towards magic, as apposed to psychoanalysis. It was never really my strong suit.” For a moment there is silence before the unicorn’s eyes light up. “…but I think I know a pony who is queen pf psychoanalysis…” And then she lit her horn and the suit she was wearing dissolved.`
“I guess that wasn’t your strongest suit either.”
“Hush, onwards we trudge!”
“He’s lyin’ about being happy.”
“Hah, I knew it!” Twilight snarks.
“Wow AJ, really hit the nail didn’t you?” Anon grumbled.
“Hittin’ things is somethin’ I’m rightly decent at, you’d find.”
Anon smirks. “God AJ don’t talk like that, you know I like a woman that’ll actually just kill me.”
Applejack lips thin. “Suppose it’s a good thing I’m a mare, then. And ah reckon you don’t actually want to die— just need relief is all.”
“Uh huh. Sure… relief.”
“And not the kind that comes from death, sugar.”
“I don’t really have a sweet-tooth, Applejack.”
The farm mare sighs at that. “Now y’know that’s not what ah meant.”
“Yeah well, I get plenty of relief anyways.” Anon dismisses.
Applejack grunts. “Well to be frank wit‘cha, ah reckon you need to get a little bit more.”
Anon nods. “Nice to meet you, Frank.”
“Knew that was coming.” Frank sighs.
Pinkie pie does a little hop outside the duo’s peripheral vision. “Okie, so we have definite confirmation that Anon thinks about offing himself, yippie!”
“Now why would you be happy ‘bout that?” Applejack frowns her.
Pinkie deflates a tiny bit. Completed with the sound of a balloon wheezing. “Erm, well… I mean…”
“She means well, Frank. Don’t go hurting her feelings now.” Anon grunts.
“Yer really gonna stick with this joke?”
“Depends on how I’m feeling.”
Frank groans. “…didn’t mean to upset yah, Pinkie.”
“Okie dokie! You’re forgiven!” Her expression goes dark. “This time.”
Twilight stops what she was doing the entire exchange, having scratched… something into a piece of parchment, that she stuffs into her saddle bags. “So! We know Anon is mentally unwell, not that it’s surprising—“ The man’s sudden expletive is ignored and she continues to barrel through, “All we need to do is fix this Illness with a grade A plan!”
“Ah’m gonna assume you have one, Twilight?” Applejack raises an eyebrow.
“Not at all!” Twilight tenses, “I uh… didn’t actually think this far ahead…” She smiles sheepishly. “Sorry?”
Anon snorts.
Appejack frowns towards her friend, before shaking her head. “Yer hopeless.”
“Hey!”
“Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea!” Pinkie, having regained her exuberance, waves her raised hoof around as of desperately trying to grab the groups attention.
“What would that be, pinkie?” Twilight hums.
“What if we gathered the others first before coming up with a real plan?”
Twilight nods. “You’re a genius, Pinkie!”
Anon and Applejack sigh.
It was shaping up to be one of those days.
Anon hums. “Okay so we have Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and for some reason Spike—“
“Don’t forget about me!” Discord giggles.
“Honestly I just like to pretend your not here.” Anon snorts.
“Meanie.” Pinkie and Discord parrot, sticking their tongue at the human.
“Well you know what? After that one, I might actually just jump off a cliff, for real this time—“
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The God of Chaos shoulder tackles Anon to the ground, who lets out a mighty *‘OOF!’* Mismatched paws now hold the man by his collar. He shouts. “You have so much to live for Anonymous! Like blueberries on a cool Tuesday, or strawberries that taste like blueberries on a boiling hot Wednesday, or bananas that sometimes taste vaguely like strawberries and then blueberries on a lukewarm Thursday!” He cries.
“What— the fuck— are you— talking about?” Anon’s voice bobs up and down in tandem with the mad creature’s shaking.
“Wouldn’t you like to know? To live and see the day where that becomes a reality?” His voice wavers, eyes wide and bloodshot. He sniffles.
“I don’t— want to live— in any world— where your reality— is finalized!”
Discord grasps his chest as if he’s been shot. “Oh!” He howls, hand coming up to his head with a slap, he seems to swoon. “He’s utterly hopeless! He doesn’t even like fruit of various temperatures anymore!”
Pinkie Pie gasps. “Distaste for fruit! The second deadly grief!”
Twilight opens her mouth to speak but is cut off by a nodding Discord. “Indeed, indeed, Pinkie Pie!”
“Should… should we do something?” Rarity whispers to Rainbow Dash, who grins wide.
“Nope.”
“We need to save him!” Discord clutches a fist into the air.
“Yes, yes, yes yes!” And now Pinkie is shaking Anon. “Live damn you! LIIIIVE!” She screeches, eyes wide and wild.
“I’m— not— going— to kill— myself!” Anon shouts.
“We’ve done it my pink Amigo, he’s cured.” Discord takes a puff from a pipe, and blows out bubbles. “Just as I predicted, the experimental shake therapy was a success.”
Pinkie beams. “Really?!”
“No.”
She deflated. “Aww…” Only to immediately perk back up. “Does that mean I get to keep shaking him?!” She gasps.
“Hm, perhaps more exposure will do the trick! My word Pinkie, I think we’ve set ourselves on the road to recovery!”
“Spike, write that down?”
“Ugh.” The dragon cracks open a thin black book. “Fine.”
“Stop— shaking— gonna— hurl.” Anon’s skin was turning green-er.
“He’s tellin’ the truth about not wantin’ to off himself. Now stop messing around with the poor stallion, I’d say he’s gotten enough throttlin’.” Applejack narrows her eyes. “But that don’t mean yer off the hook, buster.”
“And here’s me thinking I was Anon.”
A deep groan leaves the rest of the group, excluding three. That being Pinkie, Discord, and Fluttershy: the group’s iconic dad-joke-oholics. Who share little giggles.
“Well maybe some more shakin’ will do you some good.”
“Yeah! Give him the shaker!” Rainbow Dash cheers.
“No, no! I yield I yield! No more jokes, just stop!”
Discord is suddenly shaking an upright Anon’s hand for far longer than what was appropriate. “We accept the terms of your surrender. I’m sure the boys in blue will be proud to know the fight is won, and that they can return home to their families.” He puts his second paw over their joining, still shaking.
Pinkie Pie, meanwhile, salutes. A stoic expression now deeply engrained on her face, sporting an olive drab helmet with the inscription ‘born to chill’ etched on its outside. And If you listened closely, triumphant horns and cannon fire could be heard— when did it start raining confetti?
“You guys are really weird.” Spike grunts, almost half asleep while writing something down in the black book. “What’re we doing here again?”
Rainbow Dash just shrugs.
Rarity also shrugs. “Apparently Anon is feeling a bit under the weather, the poor darling.” She twirls her hair.
Twilight harrumphs. “Well Spike, I’ve gathered everypony here today to make him feel better! You’d know this if you’d stopped etching lewd, vaguely fetish-y characterizations of your favourite comic book characters inside that journal of yours for one second!”
Spike groans. “They’re not real, Twilight. They don’t have any rights. We’ve been over this.” His voice drones.
“Look, guys.” Anon sighs— bars. “If I do… whatever it is you want me to do, will you get off my back?”
“…mayhaps.” Twilight hums.
The others nod in agreement.
“Fine.” Anon sighs. “What do you want to do?”
“Oh… uh… how about a… picnic?” She sounds unsure.
“You didn’t think this far ahead, again. Really Twilight?”
“N-no I was just calculating what would be the most effective activity in boosting your serotonin levels—“ Twilight then squeaks as a finger flicks her snout.
“Dork.”
“And just like that, Anon has broken the peace treaty. That didn’t take long!” Discord claps.
“V-violence is never the answer, Anon.” Fluttershy whispers, her eyes wide and suddenly watering. “Apologize?”
Anon sighs, again.
“We’ve got sandwiches, milk shakes, and even hard candy!”
“Cool.”
“Are you feeling… different?”
Anon looks at the spread, before grabbing a sandwich. “Hm… I don’t know…” He starts to munch on it, before stopping. “…there’s hay in this.”
“Silly Anon, hay is for horses!”
He spits it out. “You don’t say.”
“Uh… actually, I did!”
Anon now tries for the milkshake, slurping it down before freezing. “…who the hell puts hay in a milkshake?”
“Twilight... you did bring food Anon could actually eat, correct?” Rarity raises a brow.
…
“Sugar Cube?”
“I uh… all my cookbooks used hay as a flavour enhancer…”
“You read a cookbook… on how to make sandwiches?” Anon raises a brow.
“…yes?”
“Groovy.” He deadpanned.
Discord claps once, gathering everyone’s attention. “Not to worry my pony friends—and human! For with a quick snap of my fingers,” The assortment of items disappears with a pop. “I’ve turned this food spread into sizzling, hydrochloric acid!”
“…how does that help?” Rainbow Dash scrunched her brow, lifting a hoof to stop the liquid from touching her— as it melted through the table.
Discord stares hollowly into Dash’s eyes.
“Spike! We have a spill.”
“Yeah yeah, I’m on it.” Spike sighs, before beginning the arduous process of cupping his hands and scooping the liquid into his mouth. “Bleh, this stuff always tastes too spicy.”
“How about we just shoot some hoops, or something?” Anon mumbles.
“To be honest? Not really a fan of basketball.” Rainbow Dash shrugs.
“Because I’d break your ankles, Dash?” He grins.
“Because you cheat.”
“Pfft. Whatever.”
“Ooh, ooh! How about we go throw bricks at homeless ponies?”
Rarity jolts in horror. “W-what? What was that you just said, dear?” Her wide eyes blink.
Pinkie Pie stares hollowly into Rarity’s eyes. “Throw. Bricks… at homeless ponies.”
Rarity gives a sigh of relief. “Oh good heavens,” She chuckles. “I thought you said something mad, Pinkie. You scared me!”
The two share a laugh, totally separated from the rest of the group, who still try to find a game plan.
“—A hike?” Twilight proposed.
Applejack snorts. “I don’t think takin’ the Timberwolf infested forest for a stroll is a good idea, Twilight.”
“We could steal the princess’ crown!” Discord chuckles, rubbing his hands together as if he scheming something dastardly— which he was.
Anon shrugged. “I already spent a week in the pen for doing that. Steal one crown and you’ve stolen them all. Plus she wasn’t even bothered by it, so it wasn’t all that sweet anyways.”
“Your victim?” The god of chaos grins, giddy for a response.
“Cadence.” Anon smiles back.
“Huh… wouldn’t have been my choice.”
“I’m friends with her sister-in-law, and Shining wouldn’t dare upset Twilight. I’m practically diplomatically immune.”
“Curious… How did the guards treat you?”
“We played blackjack. They like me.”
“Hmph. They hate me.”
“Eh, more like they’re scared of you…”
“Oh? Why would they be scared of me? I’ve been reformed!”
“I think that’s because you can replace their blood with chocolate milk at a moments notice, regardless if you’re pure of heart now, that’s pretty spooky.”
“I only did that once, and their family was well compensated!
“…Okay?” Anon shakes his head. “Y’know what, maybe we could send a zip-bomb to Luna’s computer? I’ve always wondered how much it would take to detonate a floppy disc.” But it was clear his heart wasn’t into it.
“That’s mean, Nonny.” Fluttershy murmurs.
“Sorry, Flutters.”
“It’s okay,” She smiles. “I know you’re hurting right now.”
Anon flinches. “Uh… sure Fluttershy.” He nervously chuckles, as the little pony bares into his soul.
“Eureka!” Twilight cries.
Everyone goes silent.
“Lobotomy!”
“Twilight, I am not getting a lobotomy—“
“Who the hell calls a bowling alley Lobotomy Lane?” Anon’s brow twitches.
Rarity smiles. “Well dear, a few decades ago a local philanthropist had amassed a large amount of wealth after pioneering a new medical treatment. So, using the bits he’d gotten helping ponies around the world, he decided to fund multiple public spaces! Such as bowling alleys like this one— the noble stallion even has a few medical centres and orphanages in his name!”
Anon grunts. “…really.”
“Indeed!”
“What does he do now?”
“Oh… well… I believe he’s… passed on, as it were.” Her ears flop. “He really was good at what he did, I hear. Brought down the global depression rate by a massive margin! A true hero. If I remember correctly, he even helped negate most of the political unrest surrounding that time period, unifying the masses— isn’t that grand?”
“…uh huh… I’m sure.”
“C’mon Anon! It’s striking time and I need a rebel rouser such as yourself on my team!” Discord gleefully beckons him towards his group, which was currently just Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. It was to be noted, that both the draconequus and Pinkie Pie were dressed in the most gaudy outfits imaginable— but what else is new?
Looking to the opposing side was everyone else. Twilight had a headband for some reason.
Four versus five.
Anon stands up from the table. “Alright.” Sure, he was going to facing a heavily stacked team. But if you had the choice between having a god on your side, or an extra pony— he’d pick the god. Every single time.
Anon’s team lost. And they were kicked out after Discord decided to screw with the strike animations that played on the hanging monitors— apparently they were a bit too risqué for the owner’s tastes. Something about… turning pins into rockets— Anon didn’t get the chance to see it anyway. He had a feeling he didn’t want to.
“Another dud…” Twilight sadly intones.
Her assistant pats her neck from his spot on her back. “Maybe you’ll get it next time?”
Pinkie Pie, oddly enough, carries a similar tube of sadness. “Dang. I really thought that Twilight’s super duper incredible idea would make you happy Nonny, I’m sorry it actually sucked terribly, and was no good— perhaps even worthless.”
“It’s okay Pinks. These things happen.”
“Twilight sucking?” Rainbow Dash snickers.
“I wish, maybe I’d be happier—“
Twilight collapses onto her haunches. “I’m out of ideas…. I… I don’t know how to help you, Anon.” She sniffles. “I’m sorry.”
Anon frowns. “Please don’t cry. I literally have no idea how I’d respond to that.”
“Sugar Cube, must you be so blasé all the gosh darn time? This is a rather delicate matter.”
“You saying big words freaks me out.”
“Ah suppose that just means I’m gettin’ serious now. C’mon. Yer friend’s sad.” Applejack gestures to Twilight with a nod.
“Yeah…” Anon rubs the back of his head. “Twilight it ain’t nothing, alright?”
“It is.” She sniffles again. “If I can’t cure my favorite human’s sadness, I might never see him again!” She croaks.
“Uh… well… I mean… uh…” Anon winces. “If it’s any consolation I… uh… don’t plan on ending my life?”
“That’s not good enough, my favorite funky boy needs to be happy!”
“Okay… uh… don’t be sad and that’ll make me happy?”
“Really?” Twilight looks up, but after a moment of looking over his face, she looks back down to the ground dejectedly. “…no it won’t.”
“Look… Twilight… stuff like this is a little… complicated. I can’t just… get pancakes and switch it off. It isn’t that easy.” Anon grumbles as he ruffles her mane. “But it isn’t your fault either, time heals… most wounds. So just… give me time, that’s all I really need.”
Twilight purses her lips. “Are you sure?”
“No. If I was sure, I’d be ignorant.” He continues to pet her. “But I believe life isn’t as easy as going outside and catching rays. Sometimes… sometimes it’s just a feeling you don’t quite know how to shake off.” The man blinks, giving her a small smile. “But you reached out. I reckon that’s good enough.”
“Blegh… feelings…” Rainbow Dash mutters.
“Point is,” Anon hisses at the pegasus before facing Twilight once more. “Life is… difficult. But it’s easier with friends.”
“Aw… I didn’t know you could be so vulnerable with us, Anonymous.” Rarity sniffles. “Why it’s enough to make a grown mare cry.”
Fluttershy doesn’t say anything as she slowly wonders over to hug the human, and Twilght Sparkle.
“Woah! Group hug time?!” Pinkie squees. “My favorite part of the decompression period!” There she goes, latching on.
“I’m not much of a hugger.” Rainbow Dash groans. “Wouldn’t want Anon to cop a feel or something—“
“Git in there.” Applejack growls, pushing the pegasus into group: who lets out a grunt and a expletive. The farm mare seems to try to collect them all into her grasp, as she also nuzzles in.
That left the others. Rarity sighs approvingly. “Oh I do love public displays of affection.” She wipes a tear away from her cheek.
“Uh, aren’t you going to join in the hug?” Spike raises a brow.
“Oh no, dear. I’ll ruin my mane by joining in to such a big tussle like that!”
“But—“
“I suppose you’ll just have to be a proxy, won’t you, Spike?” Rarity coos as she scoops the little drake into a nuzzling grasp.
Spike preens under the affection with a blush. “…Anon you need be suicidal more often…”
The human snorts. “Sure buddy. I’ll try my best.”
Discord simply watches them. Like some kind of creepy hug voyeur.
Eventually they all depart from the embrace, and Pinkie Pie gives a bashful smile to Anon. “Nonny, can we get ice cream?”
The man looks up with a sigh. The moon was now the dominant figure within the sky, thousands of stars glimmering there in a way that had the human feeling wistful.
“Sure, Pinkie. Let’s get ice cream.”
The pink pony cheers.
“Y’know…” Everyone pauses to look towards Discord, who strokes his chin looking quite ponderous. “Now that I think about it. I could’ve just snapped my fingers and taken away your depression this whole time, Anon.”
“…”
A pause, as silence reigns heavily within the group.
And then Anon lunges towards The God of Chaos with a scream akin to a banshee.
“You son of a fucking BITC-“
~ FIN ~