Ponies write hilarious, silly, sexy fan fictions about each other! FREAKING Ponies! (Each chapter is a 60-minute writing challenge train wreck. You've been warned!)
A/N: This is my 60-minute pony writing challenge to myself. I am so, so sorry. XD
Big FREAKING Macintosh
Big Macintosh got out of bed, cracking the bones in his neck back and forth. The sun was rising over the horizon in a slow, lazy way. But the stallion was not lazy. He went about his morning routine, a big smile on his face. Today was his day off, and it was time to work his apple family mojo. Smirking at himself in the mirror, he trotted downstairs and to the breakfast table.
“Hey big brother, we forgot a few trees yesterday. Do you mind?” Applejack said, rushing back and forth to put things in her saddlebags. She was supposed to meet her friends for a picnic that day.
“Eeyup.” The massive stallion gave a roll of his shoulders, but went outside without his yoke. Both sisters and Granny Smith watched him go, blink-blinking. Oh, it was gonna be one of THOSE days.
Big Mac sauntered outside, spotting the trees that they’d missed yesterday. Smirking in that confident male way, he reared up and KUH-STOMPED the ground so hard that the earth shook. The trees practically shit themselves, dropping all the apples they had into the waiting buckets below. A few trips to the barn later, the buckets were put away and the stallion was off to town.
Everymare turned when Big Mac arrived on the scene, spitting his little sprig of wheat to one side. “Ohhh, its Big Macintosh!” one of them swooned and fell at the mere sight of him. “Eee, it’s Big Mac!” another leaned into a fencepost so she wouldn’t fall over.
“Ladies.” He said in his deep, syrupy voice as he went by. His smile really lit their fires. There were tucking tails and back legs pressing together everywhere he went. “Hm?” he stopped in front of a gaggle of mares that were fighting over something at a market stand. Extending his neck to see above the rabble, he cocked his head. Whatever the stand was selling, it didn’t matter, but there didn’t seem to be enough of whatever it was. Big Mac turned his head when he saw police ponies coming to break up the madness of frantic buying and yelling. He had to do something. “Hmm…” he separated himself from the herd and cleared his throat loudly. Everymare turned.
“Ohh, hello Big Mac! Hi Big Mac!” they were all ears for whatever the gorgeous stallion had to say.
“Ladies.” He said a singular word, smiling his manliest smile. There was swooning, but the guards were still on their way down the street. What if they arrested somepony? That wouldn’t be any good. Ponyville was so small, it could really hurt somepony’s reputation, spending the night in jail in a town where everybody knew everybody. The crimson stallion cleared his throat again, calling upon his most virile and sacred Apple Family stallion secrets. He had to end this rabble right away, and restore the peace. “Shuhhhh-ZAM!” he jabbed a hoof at the crowd with all the power he could muster. His eyebrows danced.
“OHHH GODS!” Everymare in the crowd suddenly pitched over, having orgasmed so hard they’d lost the feeling in their legs. Little hearts were flying everywhere. The guards arrived at the edge of the frantic herd just in time to see everypony decide it was post-coitus nap time. Purring mares strewn everywhere with the scent of sex heavy on the breeze, they just… the just didn’t know how to react to that. The public disturbance seemed over, but wow… really, wow.
Big Mac wandered on to enjoy his day off. He stopped at Sugar Cube corner, but spotted a little filly trying to get her kite out of a tree. “Big Mac! Big Mac!” she came up to him, rearing up and putting her tiny hooves on his massive chest. He looked down at her.
“Eyup?” he asked.
“Can you get my kite? Its too high up for me!” she whimpered.
“Eeyup.” The massive stallion went to the base of the offending tree, tilting his head back. He squinted until he saw the little string attached to it, and grabbed it in his teeth. He pulled a bit, but the tree wouldn’t let go. Growling a little, he wrapped the string around his front hooves and gave a mighty tug. The tree came down with a ground-shaking splinter. He untangled the kite and string, giving it to the tiny little filly. Turning, he shoved his head under the tree trunk and heaved the whole thing onto his back. With a loud grunt, he shoved the shattered tree, upright, back into the ground. It would grow back just fine, he knew a lot about growing trees.
“Thank you Big Mac!” the filly toddled off, her kite already in flight again.
“Eeyup.”
“Oh Big Mac!” A pair of mares approached from one side of him. He turned, blink-blinking. “We were wondering if you were up to stud this year?” they asked. Big Mac eyed them, considering. “My wife and I, well… we can’t have foals between us and we’d really like them!”
“Eeyup.” He smiled in such a way that their thighs quivered a bit. They led him along to a private home, and he did his sacred duty….
to both of them…
three times each…
...over a coffee table.
Walking out of that house with his head high and happy cooing at his back, he shut the door with a toss of his mane. Eleven months later, both mares would give birth to beautiful foals full of energy and a zest for life. What else, when their stud stallion was Big Macintosh Apple?
Finally coming to his destination, the rugged and manly stallion stopped in front of the library after having a bite to eat at Sugarcube Corner. He stood there, rolling his shoulders one way, then another. He was a stallion on a mission. This was it. He didn’t get days off very often, but the muscled crimson pony was about to face his destiny. Clearing his throat, he went in.
The lovely lavender librarian inside, Twilight Sparkle, was perched over her desk with an innocent smile on her face. In front of her was some tome or another, and her eyes sparkled with grand interest at whatever she was reading. Her beautiful eyes flicked up at him after a time, for his hooves made heavy sounds as he entered. “Oh, hello Big Macintosh. Come to check something out?” she asked with a smile.
“Eeyup.” He checked around, to make sure nopony else was in the library. Shutting the door behind him, he swept powerfully across the room. Pushing Twilight’s book off the desk, he pressed his powerful chest out where she could see it best. The slender, beautiful mare gave a squeak as her eyes widened in awe and appreciation for his masculine form. “Today,” he said. “You.” He poked her chest with a more than friendly smile. Then he pressed her down over her own study desk and—
“Twilight what’re you writing?” Spike asked.
“YERK!?” Twilight jerked upright from where she’d been scribbling furiously on parchment for the past hour. Her face went scarlet and the paper burst into flame by magic. “Nothing! NOTHING!” she said in a squeaky voice, her heart racing and beads of sweat going down her temples.
"You're breathing awful hard..." Spike said suspiciously.
"It's nothing!" squawked Twilight, face getting redder and redder.
A/N: 60 minutes to write something outrageous! Ready set go!
Rainbow FREAKING Dash
Rainbow FREAKING Dash emerged from her cloud home, garbed in her white gi and black belt. It wasn’t just any black belt, either, it was a double dragon belt. There was only one level higher in her karate art: the triple dragon belt. And today she was gonna earn it.
Rushing down from on high, she flared her wings and did an easy loop-dee-loop, sending flower petals and pollen through the air. Landing hard with a very authoritative clop of her hooves, she gave her mane a toss. Flower petals wafted through the air behind her, anime style, making her look positively enchanting. “Oh, there you are.” A meek little voice asked.
The cyan warrior turned. “Heya Fluttershy!” she chirped, coming over and throwing an arm around her meek friend. “Thanks again for coming to my test today. I hafta have a witness, to make sure it all goes down legit, y’know?”
Fluttershy nodded a bit, trying to smile. She really wasn’t into the sorts of violent things that came with karate, but if it was important to Rainbow Dash she could try. Pushing her pink mane out of her eyes, she nodded kindly. “Oh, it’s no problem really. Its sounds exciting! I just hope its not TOO exciting!” she looked around, not sure her poor heart could take it.
“It’s no biggie Fluttershy, I’ve just gotta—WHOA!” She side-stepped, grabbed Fluttershy and tackled her to the ground. Where the yellow Pegasus had just been was a large, spiny ninja star! “Uh oh.” Rainbow said, a frown crossing her face as she spread her wings aggressively. Fluttershy wilted back behind her as the bushes began to rustle, whimpering. “Come outta there! Show yourself!” Rainbow demanded.
Suddenly, NINJAS! They burst from the thicket, a group of five stallions armed to the teeth with swords and chains and Celestia knew what else! “NYO’OHHHHHH!” one of them spun-spun-spun a pair of chucks about, black mask hiding his shouting face.
“Here to test me for my triple dragon belt, huh?! Well you leave Flutters out of this!” Rainbow reared up and struck a karate pose. Whipping her mane out of her face, she glared at each of them in turn.
Fluttershy was to one side sitting on her haunches, her eyes big and soft as she watched her hero get ready for the show down. The slick and tight line of her back legs was beautiful. The toned muscle of her wings and shoulders were just perfect. The gi covered most of it, sure, but Fluttershy could see it all in her mind’s eye. Rainbow Dash’s body was an athletic machine, rearing to go.
“Nyoo’hhhh ching-chong-nyaaa myoo ka-cha-chaaa!” one of the ninjas said, pointing his katana at Rainbow Dash with fire in his eyes. Her eyebrows shot up. Why, that cheeky bastard!
“Well your mothers wear bridles to bed!” Rainbow shot back angrily, red in the face. All five ninja’s looked positively OUTRAGED at such a claim. How dare she insult their mothers?! Fluttershy put a hoof over her mouth, gasping softly. Such language flying back and forth, oh my...
“Nyoooo’hhh!” The leader of the ninja’s declared, red veins in his eyes. Suddenly they rushed forth as a group, ready to tear the mare limb from limb. Rainbow Dash took her cleansing breath, a few flower petals fluttering past her head in the process.
“I must be… cool…” she whispered, watching them come. “Quiet… but mostly cool… twenty percent cooler… than them…” she let out a humming sort of mantra. She widened her stance slowly, eyeing the katana and the nunchucks especially. She planned it all carefully, oh so carefully. Fluttershy whimpered, the violence was about to eru--!
RAINBOW RUSHED FORWARD TOOK THE SWORD SMOTE THE FIRST GRABBED AN ARM BROKE IT WITH A LOUD KARATE SCREAM! SHE HUNG THE SECOND BY HIS SCROTUM IN A TREE KAMEHAMAHA BLAST IN HIM AWAY! TURNING WITH A SNARL SHE GERMANE SUPLEXED ANOTHER INTO THE GROUND AS SHE WAS GRABBED FROM THE FRONT AND STRUCK FROM BEHIND OH CELESTIA THE HUMANITY!
Fluttershy covered her eyes with her hooves, whimpering in feminine distress as the battle raged around her. “Oh no, oh no!” she said, shifting back and forth while flying hooves and clashing weapons went back and forth.
DASHIE TOOK A HOOF TO THE FACE SPLATTER OF BLOOD GRABBED THE ATTACKER BY THE NECK SNAP WENT THE NECK! HER GI RIPPED IN A DRAMATIC FASHION AND SHE TOSSED THE SHIRT AWAY AS SHE WAS GANGPILED. SCREAMING WITH A BURST OF STRENGTH SHE SENT STALLIONS FLYING EVERYWHERE. CRACK! SHE BROUGHT ONE NINJA’S SPINE DOWN ON HER KNEE AND THEN USED HIS ENTIRE BODY LIKE A CLUB TO SMACK ANOTHER NINJA! HWA’AAAAHHH!
“Oh goodness! Oh goodness!” Fluttershy sank to her belly as a dead ninja sailed over her head, hiding under her hooves and shaking. “B-be careful! Oh my!” she hide her face in her pink mane. Explosions went off here and there, and trees uprooted themselves as Dashie took on the ninja swarm (it had been five ninja’s a minute ago…?).
FLARING HER WINGS TO TAKE THE BATTLE SKYWARD DASHIE DODGED A BARRAGE OF MAGIC BLASTS FROM A UNICORN NINJA UNTIL POW POW POW SHE WAS SHOT DOWN! SHOUTING ANGRILY SHE KAMIKAZED INTO HER ATTACKER AND THEY TUMBLED INTO A MUDDY DITCH. GRABBING HIM BY HIS HORN SHE THRUST HIS FACE INTO THE DIRT—HOOF TO THE BALLS, WHAPPO! LEAPING OUT OF THE DITCH COVERED IN MUD DASHIE LANDED HARD AS A NINJA IN RED RUSHED AT HER. BARRAGING HER WITH PUNCHES HIS HOOF WAS SUDDENLY CAUGHT! DASHIE SNAPPED HIS WRIST, PICKED HIM UP AND SLAMMED HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE GROUND! CRASH!
There was silence. Rainbow Dash stood there panting, covered in mud and dressed in half of a gi. She’d been up against five ninjas at the start of this fight scene, and now there were well over three dozen lying dead or dying in the field around her. Fluttershy was in the middle of the carnage, shaking like a leaf. Wiping the blood from her mouth, Rainbow trotted to her and scooped her up to her hooves. “Oh Rainbow Dash…” Fluttershy said, soft in the eyes and flushed at the sight of her. She looked like a wreck, but she’d bested all those ninjas.
“S’no problem. And check out what one of them was carrying.” Dashie smiled, turning to show off the legendary triple dragon belt around her middle.
“You’re the best, Dashie. Woo-hoo--!” Fluttershy said at barely above a whisper. Her smile was big, though. “You protected me, thank you.”
“All in a day’s work for the iron pony.” Rainbow flexed for a moment, chuckling. “It’s part’a what makes me so awesome.” She eyed Fluttershy a bit, a certain mischief rising in her eyes. “Now, as far as paying me back? Those ninja’s don’t kick their own butts, you know.”
“P-paying you back?” Fluttershy whispered, pinkening in the cheeks. Dashie’s wings had opened all the way into their full, glorious display. “Oh my!” she was swept up in Rainbow Dash’s arms, stroked comfortingly as her blush grew hotter and hotter.
“It’s tiring work, y’know.” Rainbow said with a predatory smirk. “I’d need somepony to help me relax after all that.”
“Oh, Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy whispered, her eyes large and doe-like as her best friend pressed her sexy advantage. Before she knew it the muddy, sweat-stained pony had grabbed her up and pulled her into the filthiest, tongue-filled kiss anypony had ever gotten. Shoving a dead ninja’s body aside as they went, Rainbow pressed Fluttershy against a tree. Something about the violence of the whole battle had really turned the blue mare on. The adrenaline, the sweat, the screaming ninjas, oh Celestia it was so hot! Fluttershy groaned helplessly, her hooves rushing up and into the chromatic mane as they tumbled into a bush next to the tree.
“Spread your legs, you sexy mare.” Rainbow pressed dominantly, laying over her and working her pink mane out of the way so she coul--!
“I was wondering when you’d get to the good part.” Rainbow smirked from behind Fluttershy.
“YEEEP?!” FLuttershy dropped her quill and in her panic stuffed all three pages of her fan fiction into her mouth! The paper crumpled, and Rainbow Dash burst into laughter, pointing at her. The butter yellow Pegasus turned a miserable red in the face and whimpered.
“Hey now, you were doing just fine--- aside from that all capital letters thing.” Rainbow grinned, pulling the paper out of her mouth and tossing it aside. “Now then…” Fluttershy gasped as she felt herself being tilted romantically back out of her desk chair. Meep!
Once upon a time, about a week ago, Princess Twilight got kidnapped! And nopony knew who did it. She was just walkin’ along somewhere and WHAM, into the kidnapping bag! She tried to put up a fight but it was dark in that bag so she couldn’t concentrate much to cast magic.
Princess Celestia sensed that Twilight was in trouble right away, since she was a princess and knew everything about everything. Prolly cuz she’s the princess of the sun, she might be able to see everything the sun can see. “I must send for my most powerfulest soldier!” the princess declared.
“I’m here Princess!” said the captain of the guard, saluting from where he stood in front of the throne. “I will go forth and rescue the princess, so we can kiss and live happily ever after!”
“You can’t do that, Shining Armor, you are Princess Twilight’s brother!” said Celestia, rolling her eyes.
“Oh yeah,” Shining Armor said thoughtfully.
“Besides that, you’re not my most powerfulest soldier!”
“I’m NOT the most powerfulest?!” Shining Armor demanded, his eyebrows going up into his blue bangs. “That cannot be!”
“It’s true! The pony I have in mind is ten times more powerfuler than you!” Celestia said, pulling out quill and ink to summon said pony. “A mare, in fact, not a stallion!”
“Her name is a secret, but I call her…” Celestia paused for effect, looking up from her scroll she was writing on. “Agent Zero!”
“What?!” Shining Armor said, leaning forward in anticipation. “There is no Agent Zero! She’s just an old pony’s tale!”
“Sometimes, Shining Armor,” the Princess rolled up the scroll and sent it away by magic. “Old Pony’s tales are true!”
MEANWHILE IN PONYVILLE, THE TOWN NEAREREST TO CANTERLOT…
Derpy Hooves was delivering male like she always did. She was a very good male mare and did it no matter the rain or shine or hailstorms. With her trusty hat and mailbag, she had no equal in Ponyville. Right then she was delivering male to Berry Punch, some kinda grape juice that was in a dark bottle sealed with shiny metal on all sides. “Thanks Derpy! You’re the best!” said Berry Punch, waving as the male mare turned to go.
Suddenly, Derpy Hooves felt her mailbag get heavier by exactly one letter. She could tell the difference in weight since she was a very good male mare and knew how much a letter weighed, after all. Stopping on a street corner, she looked into her male bag to investigate. Why, it was a letter from Princess Celestia! She looked and found it addressed to herself, Derpy Hooves. Wow, royal male! That was the coolest thing ever. Very excited, Derpy opened the letter scroll to read her male. It said:
Dear Derpy Hooves! Wake up, Agent Zero. Rescue the Princess. Destroy all bad guys. Destroy! Destroy! DESTROY! DESTROY! Love, Princess Celestia.
Uh oh! The magic in the royal letter scroll took hold of Derpy Hooves, and her wall-eye suddenly clicked down into normal-place like a regular pony’s eye. Her pupils got really small and a bead of sweat went down one side of her face. A blocked part of Derpy’s memory slid into place thanks to the magic in the scroll. She wasn’t just Derpy Hooves the male mare! She was… AGENT ZERO!!!! Most Powerfulest Soldier in the Royal Guard! Dun dun dunnn!
Unbridled rage suddenly flowed through Agent Zero (that’s what she was after all, a big ball of rage and milliantary might!) and she threw down her male bag. “Kidnap my Princess will they?!” she shouted at the sky. She tossed her hat into the bushes with her back, and launched off the ground as hard as she could. Faster than Rainbow Dash, faster than a sonic boom, faster than Princess Celestia could go! Turning in spirals and loop-de-loops she went super high so she could see all of Ponyville from where she was.
Suddenly, she saw the bad guys carrying Princess Twilight away in a kidnapping bag. It was wiggling back and forth while the purple princess shouted, “Help! Help, I’m being kidnapped! This is not my mother and father! Help!” she yelled and kicked and screamed and told everypony around her that these weren't her parents like you’re supposed to when you get kidnapped. This helped Agent Zero out a lot, it made her easy to spot.
“Stop there, bad guys!” Agent Zero zoomed in at them with all her speed. Flapping her wings extra hard she sent up a little wave of dust that got in there eyes. “Nopony kidnaps my Princess and gets away with it!” Agent Zero’s golden eyes zoomed in on all three of the bad guys, taking them in in a measuring kind of way.
POW! She launched the first one into a lake with a single buck of her back legs!
SOK! The second one went rolling backward over himself!
ZAPPO! Agent Zero’s lazer eyes got the last one!
“Help help I can’t swim!” the first bad guy shouted, splashing around in the lake.
“Serves you right for being a bad guy and Princess-napping!” Agent Zero hit him with a rock and he sank, never to be heard from again. Then she went back to the princess in the bag. Untying it, she let Princess Twilight out. “You’re safe now, Princess Twilight Sparkle!”
“Agent Zero! My hero!” Princess Twilight kissed her all over, making her blush.
“All in a day’s work, rain or shine or hailstorm!” Agent Zero saluted, before turning back into Derpy Hooves. “Now I have more male to deliver!” she declared, going to look for her male bag and hat. She’d forgotten where she’d left it, she was a little forgetful sometimes, but that’s okay everypony has a flaw or two.
“Wait, Derpy Hooves!” Princess Twilight says, “What could I ever do to reward you for saving me from kidnappers?”
“Hrm, how about a sleepover?” Derpy Hooves said. “We could build a pillow fort, stay up late, watch a scary movie, and even raid the freezer for ice cream after the grown-ups have gone to bed!”
“That sounds great!” Princess Twilight said, dancing on the ends of her hooves.
So, after a long day of male delivering and doing her best as a pubic servant, Derpy Hooves went home and got ready for the sleepover. Princess Twilight showed up with no guards which surprised Derpy Hooves. “Where are your guards? Aren’t you a princess?” Derpy Hooves asked.
“I feel safe around you, Derpy,” Princess Twilight said, kissing her cheek. This made Derpy’s face turn red, so she invited her in. “What a nice home you have! It’s way better than some smelly old tree!’ The Princess complimented her, looking around in wonder.
“I like it too, it’s a very nice house and I’m lucky to have it.” Derpy said. “By the way Princess, do you promise you won’t tell anypony that I’m Agent Zero? It’s supposed to be a secret!”
“Your secret is safe with me,” Princess Twilight promised, crossing her heart with a hoof.
So the night went on and Derpy and the Princess danced to music, had ice cream, built a pillow fort, and did whatever it is grown-ups do under the covers that made Derpy moan really loudly. It made both of them really happy and snuggly for a long time
THE END
Dinky looked at Cheerilee hopefully from where she sat across the teacher’s desk. Cheerilee was trying very, VERY hard not to laugh. There were precious stories, and then there was stuff like this. It made her so happy to be a teacher, because stuff like this just never got old. Making red marks here and there for spelling and grammar, she gave it back to Dinky so she could edit it and give it back for a final grade. Dinky always stayed late after school to make sure she did well in all her subjects. Her mother Derpy Hooves would certainly be… interested, in such a hero-worship story. After Dinky was gone Cheerilee allowed herself to laugh, leaning back in her chair. Too adorable!
