Derpy FREAKING Hooves
Derpy FREAKING Hooves
Once upon a time, about a week ago, Princess Twilight got kidnapped! And nopony knew who did it. She was just walkin’ along somewhere and WHAM, into the kidnapping bag! She tried to put up a fight but it was dark in that bag so she couldn’t concentrate much to cast magic.
Princess Celestia sensed that Twilight was in trouble right away, since she was a princess and knew everything about everything. Prolly cuz she’s the princess of the sun, she might be able to see everything the sun can see. “I must send for my most powerfulest soldier!” the princess declared.
“I’m here Princess!” said the captain of the guard, saluting from where he stood in front of the throne. “I will go forth and rescue the princess, so we can kiss and live happily ever after!”
“You can’t do that, Shining Armor, you are Princess Twilight’s brother!” said Celestia, rolling her eyes.
“Oh yeah,” Shining Armor said thoughtfully.
“Besides that, you’re not my most powerfulest soldier!”
“I’m NOT the most powerfulest?!” Shining Armor demanded, his eyebrows going up into his blue bangs. “That cannot be!”
“It’s true! The pony I have in mind is ten times more powerfuler than you!” Celestia said, pulling out quill and ink to summon said pony. “A mare, in fact, not a stallion!”
“Who is this maaaare?!” Shining Armor said, eye bugging out.
“Her name is a secret, but I call her…” Celestia paused for effect, looking up from her scroll she was writing on. “Agent Zero!”
“What?!” Shining Armor said, leaning forward in anticipation. “There is no Agent Zero! She’s just an old pony’s tale!”
“Sometimes, Shining Armor,” the Princess rolled up the scroll and sent it away by magic. “Old Pony’s tales are true!”
MEANWHILE IN PONYVILLE, THE TOWN NEAREREST TO CANTERLOT…
Derpy Hooves was delivering male like she always did. She was a very good male mare and did it no matter the rain or shine or hailstorms. With her trusty hat and mailbag, she had no equal in Ponyville. Right then she was delivering male to Berry Punch, some kinda grape juice that was in a dark bottle sealed with shiny metal on all sides. “Thanks Derpy! You’re the best!” said Berry Punch, waving as the male mare turned to go.
Suddenly, Derpy Hooves felt her mailbag get heavier by exactly one letter. She could tell the difference in weight since she was a very good male mare and knew how much a letter weighed, after all. Stopping on a street corner, she looked into her male bag to investigate. Why, it was a letter from Princess Celestia! She looked and found it addressed to herself, Derpy Hooves. Wow, royal male! That was the coolest thing ever. Very excited, Derpy opened the letter scroll to read her male. It said:
Dear Derpy Hooves!
Wake up, Agent Zero. Rescue the Princess. Destroy all bad guys.
Destroy! Destroy! DESTROY! DESTROY!
Love, Princess Celestia.
Uh oh! The magic in the royal letter scroll took hold of Derpy Hooves, and her wall-eye suddenly clicked down into normal-place like a regular pony’s eye. Her pupils got really small and a bead of sweat went down one side of her face. A blocked part of Derpy’s memory slid into place thanks to the magic in the scroll. She wasn’t just Derpy Hooves the male mare! She was… AGENT ZERO!!!! Most Powerfulest Soldier in the Royal Guard! Dun dun dunnn!
Unbridled rage suddenly flowed through Agent Zero (that’s what she was after all, a big ball of rage and milliantary might!) and she threw down her male bag. “Kidnap my Princess will they?!” she shouted at the sky. She tossed her hat into the bushes with her back, and launched off the ground as hard as she could. Faster than Rainbow Dash, faster than a sonic boom, faster than Princess Celestia could go! Turning in spirals and loop-de-loops she went super high so she could see all of Ponyville from where she was.
Suddenly, she saw the bad guys carrying Princess Twilight away in a kidnapping bag. It was wiggling back and forth while the purple princess shouted, “Help! Help, I’m being kidnapped! This is not my mother and father! Help!” she yelled and kicked and screamed and told everypony around her that these weren't her parents like you’re supposed to when you get kidnapped. This helped Agent Zero out a lot, it made her easy to spot.
“Stop there, bad guys!” Agent Zero zoomed in at them with all her speed. Flapping her wings extra hard she sent up a little wave of dust that got in there eyes. “Nopony kidnaps my Princess and gets away with it!” Agent Zero’s golden eyes zoomed in on all three of the bad guys, taking them in in a measuring kind of way.
POW! She launched the first one into a lake with a single buck of her back legs!
SOK! The second one went rolling backward over himself!
ZAPPO! Agent Zero’s lazer eyes got the last one!
“Help help I can’t swim!” the first bad guy shouted, splashing around in the lake.
“Serves you right for being a bad guy and Princess-napping!” Agent Zero hit him with a rock and he sank, never to be heard from again. Then she went back to the princess in the bag. Untying it, she let Princess Twilight out. “You’re safe now, Princess Twilight Sparkle!”
“Agent Zero! My hero!” Princess Twilight kissed her all over, making her blush.
“All in a day’s work, rain or shine or hailstorm!” Agent Zero saluted, before turning back into Derpy Hooves. “Now I have more male to deliver!” she declared, going to look for her male bag and hat. She’d forgotten where she’d left it, she was a little forgetful sometimes, but that’s okay everypony has a flaw or two.
“Wait, Derpy Hooves!” Princess Twilight says, “What could I ever do to reward you for saving me from kidnappers?”
“Hrm, how about a sleepover?” Derpy Hooves said. “We could build a pillow fort, stay up late, watch a scary movie, and even raid the freezer for ice cream after the grown-ups have gone to bed!”
“That sounds great!” Princess Twilight said, dancing on the ends of her hooves.
So, after a long day of male delivering and doing her best as a pubic servant, Derpy Hooves went home and got ready for the sleepover. Princess Twilight showed up with no guards which surprised Derpy Hooves. “Where are your guards? Aren’t you a princess?” Derpy Hooves asked.
“I feel safe around you, Derpy,” Princess Twilight said, kissing her cheek. This made Derpy’s face turn red, so she invited her in. “What a nice home you have! It’s way better than some smelly old tree!’ The Princess complimented her, looking around in wonder.
“I like it too, it’s a very nice house and I’m lucky to have it.” Derpy said. “By the way Princess, do you promise you won’t tell anypony that I’m Agent Zero? It’s supposed to be a secret!”
“Your secret is safe with me,” Princess Twilight promised, crossing her heart with a hoof.
So the night went on and Derpy and the Princess danced to music, had ice cream, built a pillow fort, and did whatever it is grown-ups do under the covers that made Derpy moan really loudly. It made both of them really happy and snuggly for a long time
THE END
Dinky looked at Cheerilee hopefully from where she sat across the teacher’s desk. Cheerilee was trying very, VERY hard not to laugh. There were precious stories, and then there was stuff like this. It made her so happy to be a teacher, because stuff like this just never got old. Making red marks here and there for spelling and grammar, she gave it back to Dinky so she could edit it and give it back for a final grade. Dinky always stayed late after school to make sure she did well in all her subjects.
Her mother Derpy Hooves would certainly be… interested, in such a hero-worship story. After Dinky was gone Cheerilee allowed herself to laugh, leaning back in her chair. Too adorable!
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Cute story!! im glad it came out on my birthday, been waiting a long time for this thing to update!!
Too cute.
Two years, two long years and this is what we get? Yeah, it was worth the wait.
Well, that was just fantastic. Clearly, we need to hear more of the exploits of Agent Zero, male mare extraordinaire.
Okay, for a second I was worried that somehow every use of the word "mail" was unintentionally made to "male".
Makes "male mare" pretty funny.
Interesting story. I will love to see where this is going.
i log on to fimfiction see that a story updated and lost my shit when i saw it was a freaking pony fanfic
and a derpy 
one to boot
made my fucking day
4224808 I just realized something. In that video AJ puts a blanket on AB. If you look, you'll see that Applebloom is already sleeping on a blanket. Why, if she has a big one, did she put a tiny one one her? Did the artists miss that or is Applejack just stupid?
Plot development is through the roof on this one.
This was priceless!
aegis pls go
Dinky writes the best stories.
Well, that just made my night.
4225053
Because if she moved it she would wake her up, what with it being all the way under her.
I saw that.
LAZER EYES. You cannot comprehend the powerfulest nature of Agent Zero's attack!
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQwCX3EasZsTY3ChBZOYsrkvYRkdj-9fhwmCrkrNyApDNQwksQj
hmmmm,.....cute.
4226050 I guess, but why would they even have that lying around in a bedroom?
4227707
Because some people keep extra blankets? It's not that hard to understand.
4228200 Yeah, but... Well, at my house if you need an extra blanket it's relatively hard to find one, as you must go into the laundry room to find one. They were in a bedroom with blankets on the bed, so it doesn't make sense to have blankets in a room that already had blankets. Maybe other people keep extra blankets in their room, but it seems odd to me.
4228223
I have an entire closet filled with bedding sort of things that one could easily pull out a blanket, it's relatively common here. We also have like a few stacks of blankets, one at the foot of the bed that can be pulled up over.
Full on YES!!!!!!!
Now, this was wonderful! This is the sort of thing I would imagine Dinky would do- too cute!
4225613
???
I don't get it.
Aaah Dinky.....
4228316 You learn something new every day.
OK so cute story and all but talking about your mom having sex is neither cute nor precious no mater who its with. So the last chapter also wasn't my cup o Joe so I think I'm going to unfavorite. Story's well written just don't like the ships. Big Macs was kinda funny the other two in my opinion weren't so yeah peace.
Aww, it was so precious that her work gets to survive in the end.
MUST. HUG. DINKY.
DINKY IS SO AWESOME!!
Equestria, FUCK YEAH
Going to save the MOTHERFUCKING day yeah!
4225613 what? Also, no matter what I read I can most likely find you in the comments!
I was going to say that this was the only one without sex (no matter how vague) then it was there.
Hmmmm.....First I'm concerned.
...
Shemale ponies are a thing?
Oh, wait, these mistakes were intentional. Got it. Funny story from Dinky
"So the night went on and Derpy and the Princess danced to music, had ice cream, built a pillow fort, and did whatever it is grown-ups do under the covers that made Derpy moan really loudly."
top lel
Derpy is best OMAC.
That is so wrong on so many levels...
But seriously, this was amazing, can't wait for more!
I FREAKING lost it right there.
When I started reading this i was like "ok who is writing this one?" At first I though it was Pinkie Pie, then the spelling mistakes and language got me thinking. "Powerfullest and powerfuller sounds childish. I has to be a kid. But who?" Then i though maybe it was Scootaloo but then it would have been Rainbow Dash saving the day. It was right about the letter that I facepalmed and went "DINKY!"
At the end I wondered if Twilight has come over to see Derpy "under the sheets" or if it was someone else that has. Becouse somepony has or Dinky would not have heard it lol.
If another comes out I will try to Guess who wrote it before I ge to the end again like this one.
So, did Dinky misspell this, or was it intentional?
Huh, only now I noticed that this was updated.
Cute though.
Fun how you made the last scene of Dinky's story still innocent since she had no clue. Oh, children.
What about CM-Freaking-C?
I love Dinkie's Story~~~~!
Will this ever get another installment?