A sexy siren fishekai involving quirks, explosions, and immortal teenage midriffs. Also it takes place in Japan. Sorta.
When robbed of magical singing abilities, what's a trio of siren sisters to do? Why—go on an extended vacation to Japan, of course. Granted, this more akin to a parallel-dimension-hopping "fishekai" accompanied by explosions, chaos, and supervillainous tomfoolery.
With newly-loaned quirks at their disposal, Adagio Dazzle, Sonata Dusk, and Aria Blaze live the life of rogue super-powered criminals in the Land of the Rising Sun. It's not always a cakewalk in this weeb new world of comic book zaniness beyond the portal, though. Registered heroes, zealous investigators, and the hungry claws of karma inch ever closer to capturing these three cross-dimensional valkyries on the daily.
Soon, Adagio and her siblings will have to ask themselves: Can a good thing last forever? Even for bad guys?
“But what I don't understand...” Sonata Dusk lifted the bottom half of her mask—just enough—to slip in the tasty end of a Pocky stick. She bit it off, chewed on the strawberry-flavored morsel, and lowered the mask back down. “Mrrmfff... is just why did they have to vault the tanks?” Rose-colored eyes blinked innocently through the holes of a facade that resembled a barracuda painted in the style of Katsushika Hokusai. “They were so awesome!”
“Because they were just too blasted overpowered,” Adagio Dazzle purred, pacing back and forth along the glass display. Much akin to her siren familiar, she too was clad in a dark lycra body suit, except her mask more closely resembled a great white shark—replete with metal jaws and a drooping “tail” that hid her enormous froth of frizzy orange hair. “Players were complaining all over social media about them.” She paced some more, black boots glinting under the bright electric light of the air-conditioned room. “You ask me—it's a good thing the programmers patched them out completely.”
“Really? They did?!?” Sonata Dusk's body slumped so hard that she nearly dropped a bag full of half-eaten Happy Turns, Puccho, and Green Tea Kit-Kats. “Ohhhhhhh—but that's so laaaaaaaaaame~~” Her pouting lips positively distorted the gills of her fish mask, and for a moment there it looked like her ponytail might slip out the back—hadn't Adagio reached a hand over to steady her in place. “Dagi, we gotta file a complaint or something! We're elite players! Surely they'll listen to us!”
“Stop QQ-ing,” Adagio grumbled, shifting her weight to make sure Sonata's disguise remained immaculate. “You'll learn to adapt to DMRs and Heavy Sniper Rifles like the rest of us!”
“And who ever came up with the idea of a 'Rave Cave?'” Sonata looked like she was going to vomit, so she reached into her bag and stuck an orange-flavored rice ball into her mouth. “Mrmmmfff... I'm tellin' you. This Season totally sucks ass!”
Before Adagio could retort, a shoulder-mounted radio squawked with Aria Blaze's tell-tale drone: “Are you dumb cunts still bitching about Fortnite?”
“I am!” Sonata Dusk caterwauled. “Silly Dagi here is playing devil's advocate!”
“Well get your heads in the fuckin' game!” Aria's voice further barked. “ The crowd's grown stupid-thick from where I can see the store! If you take any longer, I won't be able to make my mark without causing a massacre!”
“Copy that,” Adagio muttered into the radio and looked squarely through her mask at Sonata. “Save your mouth for munching.”
“Mrmmfff...” Sonata gulped another bite of Pocky down. “All juiced up. You gonna do the talking?”
“Hey...” Adagio smiled with a dagger-sharp glint to her eyes. She lifted a shotgun between them and pumped it loudly. Ch-Chtung! “It is my specialty, after all.”
Twirling, she marched over until she was once again looming above the three trembling salespeople who were nervously scooping handfuls of expensive jewelry into four canvas duffle bags.
“OKAY YOU SALARY-SHITTING COCKSUCKERS! HURRY IT UP OR YOU'RE ALL GETTIN' BLOWN UP!!”
A middle-aged man in sweat-stained business attire nodded, bumping elbows with his associates as the panicked trio emptied the store's stock of gold bracelets, diamond rings, and silver ornaments into the robbers' satchels. “We are g-going as fast as we c-can—”
WHAM!! Adagio gave him a good whallop across the back of the head with the butt of her shotgun. This sent his skull smacking into the counter top, cracking the glass and making him wince as his female co-worker shrieked at the sight of trickling blood.
“You bloated impotent pillow-humper! You'll bleed as fast as you can!!” Adagio spat through the jaws of her helmet as she pressed the barrel of the gun to the base of his neck. “Let me decide when you've done a good job and maybe you'll live to see your pathetic sniveling families by next sunrise!”
“Mruuf mreddha mrmmffsten mfroo mherrrr!” Sonata bit her way through a muffin, spilling crumbs across a huddle of trembling citizens all hunched together in the center of store, petrified at the assault rifle she was waving at their tear-stained faces. “Mruuf mrmfffn't mree mmh hfffroooo!!”
“The same goes for all of you!” Adagio reached behind her back and produced a sub machine gun. She aimed both weapons at the hostages like some cliché action movie thug—all the while strafing in the general direction of the wide glass windows that marked the store's front entrance. “Goddess knows this whole country's been chomping at the bit to eat the rich since the Lost Generation!”
“Mrmmmuuu mfffaid eefftt!” Sonata nodded, half-a-donut sticking out of her mouth.
“My sisters and I are sorely tempted to chop you to bits and deliver the appetizer!” Adagio tilted her body at a forty-five degree angle, braving a look through the glass entrance. Outside—just beyond the sidewalk—a mesmerizing line of police cars, armored vans, and SWAT trucks had assembled. Tokyo's Finest had fathered in a steel forest of flashing lights and turgid taser rods, and beyond them a sea of concerned people gawked with frightened eyes. “And it looks like dinner is served,” Dagi finished with a purr.
“Scrkkkk. You really enjoy listening to yourself, huh?” Aria's voice once again hissed through the radio.
Adagio looked at the army of police assembled just a sneeze from the glass that was currently fogging from her breath. She smiled. “Just bring your impatient derriere here once Sonata gives the signal.”
“You'd better save the fireworks for when I'm around.”
“No promises." Adagio glanced down at her chest. A totem dangled from her neck: a metal monkey's paw that was currently dull, tarnished, and inert. "Besides...” Adagio's eyes lifted out the window once again, scanning the distant crowd. She smiled. “...we're still waiting for the right audience.”
Outside, the streets of Downtown Tokyo were full of panicked, shouting, concerned voices.
“Everyone, keep back!”
“The police have everything under control!”
“Lieutenant! Reinforce that perimeter!”
“Yes, Captain!”
“What's going on in that store?!?”
“Oh those poor people!!”
“Do those thugs have guns?! What's this country coming to?!?”
“Just where are the heroes?!?”
“Yeah! Someone qualified has to get rid of those creeps!”
“Stay your distance and do as you're told!”
“It's for your own safety!”
More and more squad cars rolled up to the scene. A half-circle of state-issued steel formed a solid wall between the front store entrance and the rest of the block. As one of the last vehicles screeched to a stop, a young man in a tan trenchcoat stepped out into the bright sun of Japanese morning. He dusted off his hat, calmly placed it on his dark head of hair, and gazed thoughtfully at the faint figures beyond the glass entrance of the jewelry store.
“Hmmm...” He exhaled hard through his nostrils. “...pure pandemonium right after coffee.” One shoulder shrugged under the coat, and a tired smile flicked across his face. “Could be worse.”
“Detective Tsukauchi??” a deep voice called from aside.
The young man who had just arrived marched over to a sweaty-looking middle-aged officer who was currently trying to juggle two radios and a notepad at the same time. “Captain Kondo...” Tsukauchi smiled politely with a swift bow. “I presume.”
“What's left of me,” the Captain grumbled, pausing to shout orders to a subordinate or two. “Get that section cordoned off! This scene could go hot any moment!”
“Well, this is certainly tense.” Tsukauchi calmly inquired, eyeing the storefront across the street. “Seems like the suspects are all caged in already. Are you expecting things to get worse?”
“If you ask me, the worst is already taking place,” Captain Kondo grumbled. Bags had formed under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't afforded time for a haircut in months. He glared angrily at the jewelry store as if it was some unfaithful spouse. “Two psychopaths armed like a tiny militia rolled into the shop about half-an-hour ago and are now threatening hostages over what appears to be a classic diamond heist.”
“In broad daylight,” Tsukauchi droned, blinking in contemplation. “Despite there being an obvious silent alarm system. And armed with guns?”
“No—with fish rods. Of course they have guns!!” Kondo blew out the side of his mouth and hissed like a disgruntled cobra. “It was crazy enough with the rampant villains and bio-organic nomu-freaks zipping all around, wreaking havoc left and right. Dear heaven, what is this country coming to?”
“Do we have confirmation of their quirks?” Tsukauchi asked. “Any positive identification in the villain registry?”
“No. They're just two random perps, clad from head-to-toe in black. Helmets too. Freaky fish intaglio. Not an inch of flesh showing. Roll those damned vans in tighter!!” Kondo barked into one radio while gesturing at the makeshift barricade. “I don't want those creeps to even see a single citizen beyond the line!” He coughed and looked over his shoulder at the detective. “So like I was saying—no identification. All we know is that they may be female.”
“And no quirks?”
Captain Kondo shook his head, sweating. “They have the arsenal of a small army, and our scouts have spotted approximately twelve hostages in total—all currently being held at gunpoint. For all that the officers under my command have confirmed, these cowardly punks are having to make do with equalizers smuggled in from God-knows where. You picked a Hell of a day to drop on by.” As if snapping out of a foggy dream, Kondo squinted at the trenchcoated man. “Just what are you doing in Tokyo, detective?”
“I'm researching a case for All-Might, but that's a conversation for another time.” Tsukauchi gestured at the space between them and the storefront. “Forgive me for echoing the crowd—but have you bothered calling in any heroes to deal with this?”
Kondo blinked at the detective as if his pants had fallen down. “The fire in Yokohama.”
“Yes, I heard on the radio while en route.” Tsukauchi nodded. “What about it?”
“All available heroes have been called in to stop the out-of-control blaze.”
“Is Backdraft among them?”
“Yes.”
“He should be capable enough to handle the blaze alone,” Tsukauchi stated. “I've worked with the man before. I know that he's capable.”
“Detective—from the last report I was told, the fire has spread to a third block. They could use all the help they can get.” Kondo looked back at the jewelry store. “My men are more than fit to handle two ingrates with weapons.”
“Are you certain about that?”
This time, Kondo flashed Tsukauchi a look of pure venom. “Are you questioning my competency, Detective? Might I remind you that you're out of your district?”
“No. No need for that.” Tsukauchi tilted his head back. “But should I remind you of the Edogawa robbery two years back? The one that ended with twenty casualties and the loss of two apartment complexes?”
Kondo bristled like a wet canine. “My predecessor was unprepared and undersupplied. This is different.”
Tsukauchi's eyes narrowed. “You're certain these robbers are quirk-less?”
“Then why would they enter the store armed to the teeth?!” Kondo spat. “It makes no sense!”
“Nor does a robbery in broad daylight... fully knowing that a force this large would assemble...” Tsukauchi rubbed his chin, gazing around at the dozens upon dozens of officers armed with batons, shields, and tasers. “It's virtually suicide...”
“Hrmmmff...” Kondo's lips curved for the first time since the detective arrived. “In which case, I will be honored to carry out such a burden—especially for these cretins.”
“But I must say—this also matches a pattern...”
“Ehhh?” Kondo blinked at the younger man hard. “A pattern??”
“Remind me, Captain,” Tsukauchi calmly asked. “These two perpetrators have been identified as female?”
“Yes...?”
“And you mentioned something about helmets with fish motifs...”
“Yes. That's right. I've told you these facts already!” Kondo huffed. “Please, Detective, I haven't any time for pedantic conversation. Just what are you getting at...?”
“I can't say for absolutely certain...” Tsukauchi exhaled heavily, leering at the storefront. “But you may need to put out a call for heroes as soon as you can.”
“Well, I am absolutely certain that my men can handle this, Detective,” Kondo grunted.
“So be it.” Tsukauchi folded his arms and weathered a tense breath. “It's your reputation. Not mine.”
The Captain gave him a side glance, brow furrowing. More than a few beads of sweat formed along his neck as he turned and gave the jewelry store a belated look of abject doubt.
“Dagi?”
Her ruby eyes reflected the monkey paw pendant in her gloved grasp.
“Dagiiiiiiiii...??”
Adagio's gaze narrowed. There was a shimmer of gold light, and one of the metal fingers of the pendant twitched. The siren's gloved hand rotated the totem, and the object's tiny finger pointed straight out the window, flickering again with gold.
Sonata's helmeted face leaned in; twin Pocky sticks jutted out from the barracuda jaws of the headpiece. “Mrmffff... what if they bring back the mechs?”
“Hmmmm?” Adagio blinked, turning to glance at her partner in crime.
“Ulp...” Sonata swallowed the last candied bit and gestured with a canvas bag overflowing with jewels. “If not the tanks—then they'll patch the mechs from several seasons ago right back in, yeah?” A crescent moon of teeth glinted beneath the fish mask. “Could you just imagine stomping into Tilted Towers with that stuff going all Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat!!!!” She waved a gun around while making mouth noises, which only caused the squatting hostages to flinch and shriek.
“Give it up, darling,” Adagio said, resting a hand on Sonata's shoulder. “I'm getting a positive signal.”
“Oh yeah?! Since when?!? Cuz my ping is always worse than yours and Aria's when I join up in Trios—”
“No, I mean Sarumaru's signal!” Adagio flashed a look at the crowd outside. “Our target's nearby.”
“OooOoooOooo!” Sonata did a little jig in place, dropping loose rings and pendants from the bags. “Pizz fah wizz~!”
“But he's not close enough. As I suspected...” Adagio cracked the joints in her neck while sporting a glare of hungry intent. “...we're gonna have to drag him out of hiding.”
“If what Sarumarumarumarumuuuu says about him is right—our target loves a whollllle lot of chaos!”
“And competition...” Adagio turned to face the other woman completely. “Hence, our trespassing on his domain.” She pointed at all four bags. “Are you quite finished with the pilfering?”
“What?” Sonata cocked a hip to the side, pouting. “Want me to strip their jaws for gold teeth while we're at it?”
“Maybe next gig.” Adagio shouldered her shotgun and reached a hand out. “Here. Give me two bags. You carry the other two.”
“Uhhhhhhhh...” Sonata squirmed while handing them over, spotting the gold and silver bits littering the floor of the store. “They're really stuffed to the chipmunk cheeks. We'll lose millions of yen with each step that we take!”
“It's not the real prize we're after,” Adagio whispered. “But we won't let them know about that.” Facing the hostages, she fired a few rounds of the machine gun into the ceiling. P-P-P-POWWW!! Shrieks and cries formed percussion to the falling bullet shells as Dagi loudly barked: “Anyone who tries something foolish will get more holes in them than this store! Thank you for being cooperative! Pray we don't cross paths again!”
“Want me to kick one of 'em on the way out?” Sonata asked.
“If you feel like it~” Adagio chirped, sashaying towards the door.
“Hrmmff!” Sonata swatted a frightened man in the butt with the sole of her boot. “GET A JOB!” She scampered to catch up to her eldest as the two stood before the glass entrance. “So when do I drop Number One?”
“When I tell you. Make sure whatever you summon is wild enough to clear a path for Aria—both in and out. And remember...” Adagio pointed a free finger at Sonata. “...no English.”
“Awwwwwwww...” Sonata pouted. “But all my catch phrases are in English!”
“Right now we just need you to belch in Japanese.”
“Well, if you insist.” Sonata smirked. “But I'm choosing where the squad drops next session!”
“We'll die for certain~”
“But it'll be funnnnnn~”
“One soiree at a time.” Adagio and Sonata placed their boots against the door with equal timing. “Side-eyes on the totems. Let's roll.”
“No sir...” Captain Kando paced beside a squad car. He was somehow sweating even more now as he marched in a tight circle while holding a walkie-talkie to his ear. “We haven't begun negotiations, sir.” A pause. He paced and sweated some more. “No—sir—they haven't listed any demands. They haven't tried communicating with us whatsoever, sir.”
Tsukauchi gave the nervous Captain a sideways glance. “Is that Tsuragamae...?”
Kando did not directly answer the detective. “No, we were waiting to more properly assess the threat to the hostages.” Kando scuffled to a stop, blinking. “The 'roof?' What about the 'roof?'” He blinked. “Oh. Right. 'Woof.' Do carry on, sir.”
“Mmmm...” Tsukauchi looked once again at the jewelry store. The sight of two bodies emerging froze him in place. “Well then...” He tilted his hat back with a curious smirk. “...the death wish gets even deathlier.”
“Hmmm?” Kando did a double-take, wide eyes centering on the feminine duo. “Son of a bitch...~!” He winced, then grunted into the radio. “No—not you, sir. I mean—!” He winced again. “Never—ever you, sir! I mean—” With a frustrated huff, he tossed the radio to the asphalt and whipped out a bullhorn. “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!”
All eyes—the police force's, the crowd's, the cameras'—instantly locked on the two sirens standing just beyond the edge of the sidewalk. They had stopped in place. However—despite the myriad of batons and tasers and scanners trained on them—they were showing no direct sign of compliance. In extremely casual bravado, Sonata and Adagio stood with hips cocked and jewelry bags dangling and rifles raised at the ready. Even though both women were clad from head to toe in black lycra, gloves, and boots—with fish ornamental helmets providing further obscurity—there was no doubt that the whole of Downtown Tokyo felt their devilish smirks from so many millions of heartbeats away.
If Captain Kando was just as intimidated as everyone else by their silence, he barked with desperate volume to hide any sign of it. “YOU ARE BOTH UNDER ARREST!!” His voice echoed off the labyrinth of steel buildings and concrete surrounding the scene. “For attempted robbery! Possession of firearms! Disturbing the peace! Endangerment of fellow citizens...!!”
“Mrmmm...” Sonata could scarcely be heard purring through the artificial barracuda teeth. She spoke beneath the continued bombastic declarations of the Police Force Captain. “I kinda like it when the list goes on and on and on like that...”
“Remember Osaka?” Adagio casually replied, eyes trained on the wall of law enforcement vehicles. “It took them about a full minute to list their grievances.”
“I hope Ari's recording this from afar.”
“Right.” Adagio's ruby eyes rolled. “As if she'd ever be that fun.”
“Scrkkkk! What are you shitheads saying about me now?” squawked the radios on the duo's shoulders.
Adagio hissed aside into the receiver: “Just get ready to hit the gas. Signal's coming up.”
“Copy that, fucknuns.”
“Sushi sushi sushi...?” Sonata asked, eyes sparkling like a puppy's.
“You have the stage, my dear,” Adagio hummed.
“HEY! FRUMPY!” Sonata hollered.
Captain Kondo was still barking: “And for loitering in the middle of the street—!” He blinked, his sweaty face twisted into a confused scowl. “What??”
“I don't like this, Captain...” Detective Tsukauchi murmured, looking over his shoulder at the furthest end of the street. “This is not about stealing diamonds and jewels. It couldn't possibly be...”
“WHY SO UPTIGHT?!?” Sonata Dusk grinned wickedly, delighting in the echo of her voice in the middle of such a tense standoff. “IS IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BUS TO CATCH?!?” With that uttered, she flicked her neck, causing the “jaws” of the barracuda helmet to open wide. Her actual mouth soon followed suit, and the woman pronounced a long, grotesque, out-of-this-world belching noise. “BRUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Simply that sound alone would have been enough to knock half of Japan off its feet, but the fact is that it was only the harbinger of the real shocker: an enormous blue cloud of ethereal gas issued out from Sonata's throat, taking shape as a translucent blob in mid-air. This globulous cluster of mist enlarged and took shape—forming legs, tail, and a freakish feline grin. By the time the frothy cloud formed solid fur and whiskers, it had also attained weight.
THUDDD!!!
Landing on the cracked asphalt was an honest-to-goddess merging of a cat and a public bus. And—in honest-to-devil fashion—it stampeded straight towards the line of police cars with malicious intent. Dozens upon dozens of frightened officers' faces were reflected off its Cheshire Cat grin, and soon those same bodies were being tossed violently across the block as the rampaging catbus barreled its way through the steel line of suddenly-fragile vehicles.
“Evasive actions—!” Captain Kondo fell on his butt, crab-walked backwards, and fumbled to pick his megaphone back up. “EVASIVE ACTIONS—!!!” An errant wave of the passing catbus' tail slammed him hard and propelled his body through the glass windows of a nearby clothes store. Smasssh!
“Mmmmff!” Detective Tsukauchi ducked swiftly, dodging bodies and chunks of wrecked SWAT Vans flying over his head. “Well then...!” He gripped his hat as he threw a sweaty glance at the ensuing chaos. “...so they're not quirkless after all!”
“Aaaaah!”
“Gaaaaiiee!”
“Run! Run!” citizens scampered away from scene in a frenzied panic as the catbus continued its decimating assault on the police's line of defense.
“Supervillains!”
“They're supervillains!”
“Just what is that monster?!?”
“It looks like the cat bus from My Neighbor Totoro!”
“My neighbor what?!”
“You're joking, right?!”
“Dude! I don't watch anime!”
Sonata Dusk, meanwhile, was yucking it up something fierce. “Mwa ha ha ha!!” She strapped her gun and reached into her snack bag. “Go forth, my pussy!!” She shoved more candied bits into her mouth, bringing a blue shine to her eyes that matched the belch cloud that manifested the catbus in the first place. “Mrmmfff! Spread culture, art, and merriment for children to imprint on the whole world-over! Mrmmfmff... burp!” Errant, pale-bodied kodama spilled from her lips as she munched away. “Plenty more where that came from—mrmmff!”
Adagio could afford no time to relish the carnage. “Aria!” She hissed into the radio. “Number One's a go! Now's the time!”
“Any sign of Sarumaru's bounty??”
Dagi's eyes fell to the totem dangling from her neck. One finger was glowing, and a second was barely twitching.
“No exact fix! But he's nearby! Now move! We need you!”
“Like shit on velcro~” Aria's voice cut off...
...and in its place, the enormous roar of a motor rolled straight down the panic-filled street.
Fleeing citizens and injured police officers stopped fleeing in their tracks, gasping at the sight of a metal object soaring straight towards the scene. Burning smoke rose as a pair of headlights flickered, reflecting off every wide eye in the district.
“Ah... I knew it...!” Detective Tsukauchi stood up straight, pressing his body cautiously against the base of a streetlamp. “There's a third perpetrator~!”
Vrmmmmmmmmm!!!
Planted tightly in the driver's seat of a classic muscle car, gripping the wheel with fully gloved hands, driving while dressed in dark lycra from head to toe...
...Aria Blaze grinned through the gaping jaws of a lantern fish helmet.
“Hold onto your asses, ass-holders.”
She jerked her hand to the shift and shoved the car into another gear. As she did so, a bright teal light issued from her limbs and into the body of the vehicle itself. The dashboard briefly lit up with otherworldly lightning bolts, then the chassis of the car itself, finally the axle and the wheels as—
SCREEECH!!!
—the sports car burst sideways with a flash of teal light, “drove” off the vertical side of a parked semi truck, then proceeded to corkscrew fifty meters directly over the heads of the panicked citizens and injured police officers. Once it had finished four complete barrel rolls, the veritable missile of a vehicle neatly touched all four wheels down on clean asphalt and spun three times before parallel-parking with perfect precision just centimeters from the boot-tips of Adagio and Sonata.
SCRCHHHHH!!!
With twin bursts of teal light, the front and rear passenger seats opened automatically. Aria Blaze nodded her helmeted head from within.
“Butter me up after the honeymoon's over.” Aria squinted at their dangling totems. “My fist's dull as dogturds. You sure the target's nearby?”
“Zoop!” Sonata hopped into the passenger side opposite of Adagio. “Mrmmmf!” She spat out some flavored rice and pointed at her necklace. “Check it!”
Sure enough, a flicker of gold light intensified from two or three of the metal monkey fingers. Aria Blaze looked at her own neckpiece to see a matching glow.
“Christ on a cracker~” Aria chortled. “Guess the chaos drew him out of hiding after all.”
“And he'll get away if we don't move fast.” Adagio's brow furrowed. “Floor it.”
“Seatbelts...” Aria droned.
Adagio groaned. “You've gotta be kidding m—”
“I am not scraping your jellied asses off the interior before night's end!” Aria Blaze growled. “Not after my latest manicure!”
“Fine.” Adagio drew the belt over her waist as told. Click. “Sona—darling—keep 'em busy.”
Cl-Click! “Lookie lookie~ I've got bishie~” As the doors automatically closed with a teal light, Sonata stuck her head out the open window with pursed lips. “Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~~~!!” A blue belch cloud escaped her mouth, forward-“flipped,” then materialized as a tall one-winged soldier dressed in black leather and wielding a comically long Masamune sword.
Schiiiiiiiing!!! The police cars knocked over by the catbus shredded instantly in half. Chunks of metal and glass scattered across the street, forcing those who were already fleeing to leap to the floor and cover their flinching bodies. Soon the video game boss character and anime icon were working in tandem, driving the crowds into an even wilder panic.
Meanwhile...
VRMMMMMM!!!! The muscle car Aria was driving tore off in a stream of rubber and smoke, now having an unimpeded path towards the deeper heart of Tokyo.
Their escape was keenly observed by Detective Tsukauchi. The man bravely held his ground barely a few yards away from the rampaging cultural icons left in the sirens' wake. Peering around a lamppost, he watched as the one-winged soldier and catbus descended on a cluster of frightened citizens... only to dissolve into a thin blue haze around the time the getaway vehicle had put enough distance. Soon, all that was left was a shattered ring of broken asphalt, shattered glass, and wrecked police cars.
“No lethal force...” He rubbed his chin, turning to gaze at the jewelry store where two dozen frazzled citizens were slowly exiting. “...not even the hostages have been severely injured. Quite curious...”
There was a groaning sound to his side. Tsukauchi looked over to see Captain Kondo slithering out of the broken storefront, covered in cuts and bruises.
“Mrmmmfnngh...” Wincing, bleeding from the nose and lip, the exhausted Captain pulled a useless, broken radio to his trembling face. “All forces... pursue the... the...” His eyelids fluttered. “... … ...aspirin...?” And he fell down, unconscious.
“I... do believe that I will take it from here, friend.” Tsukauchi pulled a cell phone out from a trenchcoat pocket. “Good thing some of us have heroes on speed-dial.” Stepping out into the ruins of the wild confrontation, he spoke into the phone: “Yes. Nishiya? It's Tsukauchi. Yes—yes I know that you're officially on vacation, but I heard that you're in Tokyo with some friends and... well...” A pause. A blink. “No—no, not the fire. I would not throw you into that, good sir. But...” He looked down the street where smoke from the sirens' vehicle was still billowing into the sky. “...let's just say your timely expertise would be greatly appreciated.”
Three monkey fingers lit up in Adagio Dazzle's hand.
She palmed the totem in her glove, rosy eyes narrowing on the brightening phenomenon.
SCREEE-EECH!!!
The car hit a bump. The three women's bodies rose and fell for the two point two seconds that the vehicle was airborne. Spare chunks of jewelry flew out the window—littering the streets and sidewalks of Tokyo beyond.
“Could you keep it steady...?” Dagi growled.
“Hey... it's a fuckin' East Asian metropolis.” Aria's steely eyes scanned the urban horizon. “You just hold onto your tits.” With glowing knuckles, she steered the vehicle effortlessly left and right, avoiding honking cars and shrieking pedestrians by mere hairs. “Assuming you've got any to grip onto.” She grinned beneath her lantern fish helmet. “Get it? Cuz you're flat as an ironing board?”
“You're not exactly the capacious mountains of Hokkaido yourself, dearie.”
“Fuck you.”
“Hey—uh—guys?” Sonata stuck her head into the center of the swaying car's interior. “Sorry to interrupt this smexy conversation and all—but my Number One's all outta juice!”
“You'd better keep eating, then~” Adagio grunted, shoving Sonata's bag of snacks into her lycra'd chest.
“Hrmmfff...” Sonata pouted beneath her barracuda mask. “Seems like eating is all I do these days.”
“Y'know...” Aria calmly purred while swerving the vehicle in and around yelping Tokyo citizens on bicycles. “...since she's gotta stuff her gullet to pull off that wacky-ass summoning shiet...” She shot bolts of teal light into the body of the car, lifted its left wheels off the ground, and narrowly avoided running over a gaggle of schoolgirls on the sidewalk. “...shouldn't we be calling that quirk 'Number Two?!?'”
“Mrmruuff fadffe eff Mumffeerf Ftwoo!” Sonata spat through a wad of bagel crumbs.
“Hell...” Aria jerked the car back onto all fours and casually swerved around a lane of stagnant traffic. “I'd kill to keep my sexy-ass figure after gorging every minute of every day like that~”
“Fourth finger...!” Adagio gasped, spotting the glow intensifying in her totem. “It's the same with yours and Sonata's!” She pointed dramatically out Aria's driver-side window. “Quick! Turn here! Head west!”
Screeeeeeech! Aria yanked at the steering wheel. With a burst of light, the vehicle effortlessly zoomed in the direction requested. Vrmmmmmmmm! They hit a bump and descended just milliseconds before smashing into the bottom of a subway train overpass. Cr-Crkkkk! The getaway car's wheels clipped the signs off two cab cars in a row before landing on clean asphalt and zooming up a concrete embankment flanked by neon signs.
“He's gotta be nearby...” Adagio gnashed her teeth, staring once again at the totem. “...surely the whole debacle back there drew him out!”
“Didn't Saru-whatshisname say that this guy has a boner for vigilantism?” Aria remarked, eyes locked on the blurring road ahead. Screeeeeech! “Makes you wonder why he didn't come straight to us.”
“Because—!” Adagio gripped the Jesus bar as the car flew off another bump and landed. “Htt—! Because there was too much police presence! But now that we've done away with all that, we're bringing the party to a spot where he's sure to show up!”
“Yeah, and if this assblower doesn't?! What then?” Aria blew out the side of her mouth. “Seems like an awful waste of wheels and gold!”
“Don't be so daft...” Adagio rolled her eyes beneath her shark helmet. “You jacked these wheels from the side streets.”
“No—I hotwired it off a sales lot...” Aria freed one glove just long enough to gesture. “There's a difference. At least insurance-wise.”
“Mrmmmf!” Sonata leaned in again. “And if we have enough diamonds and gold left—we can pawn it off for V-Bucks!”
“Pfffft. Fuck that.” Aria Blaze rolled her eyes. Vrmmmmm!!! “Just uninstall and switch to Apex already!”
“Guah!” Sonata looked like she had just taken a bullet wound to the chest. “And leave you both to do duos without me?!? Not on your nelly!!”
“Look, we've been over this! You—” Aria Blaze blinked. “...hold on.” She yanked wildly at the streering wheel.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH!!
With glowing wheels, the car surged left, ramped sideways off the edge of a subway entrance, and then landed all four tires against a skyscraper just in time to avoid a construction sight that was situated below. The sirens' car was now driving off multiple vertical buildingfaces in a low, leaving dirty tire-tracks and cracked glass across multiple window panes.
“You keep rushing in with DMRs and Heavy Sniper Rifles!” Aria grunted, steering carefully to avoid awnings and flagpoles looming ahead through the cockeyed windshield. “When instead you should be using shotguns while bumrushing the shitkids!”
“But I hate shotguns!” Sonata blubbered. “They take so long to reload!”
“Meanwhile—as you flounder around like a noob—you get smoked by fuckin' bots!”
“I do not get fragged by bots!”
“I'm quite certain several of them were bots,” Dagi droned.
Sonata gawked at her as the world soared sideways out the window. “You're taking her side?!?”
“Look...” Adagio gestured, eyes still locked on the monkey pendant. “...just settle for the submachine guns and assault rifles if you hate reloading so much—but at least stick to ranged attacks!”
“That—or carry all the support items for us.”
“Uh-uh!” Sonata angrily crossed her arms. “I am not going to be the squad's heal-bitch!”
“Heheh...” Aria smirked wryly. “You're already halfway there, betch!” She yanked right on the wheel—THW-THW-THWP!!!—the car leapt clean off the building, barrel-rolled in naked air, and landed with a splash of teal-light on asphalt, zooming down a clear straightaway. VRMMMMMMM!!! “Might as well be our healing puppet!” She looked back just long enough to make a lewd gesture with two fingers and a tongue. “Bettttch!”
“Ugh...” Sonata rolled her eyes. “Next time we drop, I'm just gonna rush Vader and grab the lightsaber.”
“They patched that out too,” Aria yawned.
“Shut! UP!” Sonata cried. “As if the tanks weren't enough?!?!
“Five!” Adagio sat up excitedly—her pendant glowing completely. “Five fingers!” She slapped Aria's shoulder multiple times. “Stop! Stop here, Ari!'
Aria made a face. “Where— 'here'???”
“Just slam the brakes!” Adagio insisted. “We're practically under his nose!”
“Oh for the love of Hitachi...” Clenching her teeth, Aria slammed both of her boots into the brake pedal.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH!!!
The muscle car spun five times, miraculously missing a myriad of cars and pedestrians. Then—at long last—it came to a rubber-burning stop in the middle of a gigantic open intersection demarcated by white lines on gray asphalt.
“Mrmmmff!” Adagio and her familiars jerked back and forth as the car finally went still. Straightening her helmet, the leader of the sirens looked all around through the open windows. “Just where in blazes are we, exactly?”
“Gasp!” Sonata's eyes shimmered like shooting stars. “Shibuyaaaaaaaaa!”
“Mrmfff...” Aria Blaze rolled her eyes. “It would be Shibuya Crossing.”
“Hey!” Sonata pointed out the window. “Starbucks!” She bounced up and down in seat, dropping loose Pocky sticks and diamond rings. “Who wants a spiced pumpkin latte?!?”
“Stuff it and get out,” Adagio said. “He's here.”
“Our target?” Aria asked, flicking a wrist and opening every door of the car with a single burst of teal light. “You sure?”
Adagio waved her identically-glowing pendant. “These fingers have never lied before.” Soon, she and her siblings stood on all sides of the dormant muscle car. “Oh... hmmm...” Adagio's pupils shrank as she scanned their surroundings. She tongued the inside of her mouth with mixed apprehension. “This complicates things.”
Surrounding the trio was a veritable tsunami of city life. Cars, trucks, bikes, and freight vehicles were frozen stuck at every light. A circular wall of citizenry gawked at the sirens from all angles. The expressions of the thick living soup was a heterogeneous concoction of confused, frightened, and vehemently angry. Several cars honked and perplexed mouths spat with a phalanx of confounded tongues. Hovering over the mass of humanity, dozens if not hundreds of plasma screens, advertisements, and neon lights cast a lukewarm spotlight on the runaway burglars.
“Yeesh...” Sonata shifted the weight of her weapons and bags. “An awful lot of fart-sniffers out today.”
“It's Shibuya Fucking Crossing,” Aria droned, eyebrows flatter than razors. “Let's get the drop on this elusive motherfucker and ride Sona's Number Two out of here.”
“Just where is he in all this mess??” Sonata stammered.
“One way to find out.” Adagio raised her totem up high. “With me, ladies~”
“Erffgh...” Aria lethargically complied.
Soon Sonata too was lifting her pendant.
The monkey fingers of all three totems glowed and glittered as one. It took some “feeling about,” but soon the trio had the converging golden lights fixated on one singular spot in the crowd.
“There!” Adagio nodded with her helmet. “He's literally standing in that location!”
Aria Blazed clenched her teeth. Her helmet's visor reflected dozens of gawking citizens gathered in that particular cluster. “It doesn't exactly narrow things down...”
“Then I guess I'll have to draw him out...” Adagio took a deep breath, lifting the jaws of her shark helmet to expose the lower half of her face. “...remember—I won't be my usual charming self for a while afterwards. That will give us—mostly you and Sonata—a small window of time to wrangle him down.”
“Yeah, I know the drill.” Aria glanced aside. “What about his quirks?”
“Just shove him through a gate via Sonata's Number Two and we can deal with him elsewhere.” Adagio cleared her throat more than once. “N-now...” She grasped a hand around her throat and leaned back. “...nobody speak over me.”
“Yeah? What about the heroes, though?” Sonata asked.
“What heroes?”
Before Sonata could point—
THUDDDDD!!!
—an enormous blue boot slammed into the ground just meters away from the car.
The sirens looked up... and up and up and up—
“Stop!!” The voice booming from the living tower of humanity was enough to shake most mortal beings off their feet. The Sirens bravely stood their ground, all the while encumbered by the shadow of a menacing giantess looming two hundred meters above them in the downtown heart of Tokyo. With massive limbs swaying in white-and-blue spandex, Mt. Lady glared through her horned mask and pointed authoritatively down at the criminal trio. “That's as far as you go, you three!”
“Ho-leee-Cowwwwww...” Sonata Dusk slowly reached into a snack bag and chewed on a peanut butter wafer “Mrmmmfff... overkill, much?”
“You said it,” Adagio exhaled.
Meanwhile, Aria Blaze narrowed her eyes. “That's not a camel-toe. That's a camel-canyon.”
“Did you hear me?!?” Mt Lady snarled. A flicker of angry fire rippled across her violet eyes. “I'm supposed to be on vacation, you diabolical ingrates!!!”
Just as the whole of Shibuya ceased rumbling from her latest outburst, two more heroic figures emerged, perched nimbly on the giantess' shoulders.
“Take it easy, Takeyama...” Death Arms cracked the joints in his neck, clad in a polo shirt and slacks that undermined his otherwise overwrought physique. “Some of us are retired...” An artery in his neck pulsed. “But you don't hear us complaining.”
“True heroes always answer the call of justice!” Kamui Woods squatted on Mt Lady's other shoulder—looking more than a little awkward in a t-shirt and jeans under his trademark wooden mask. “No matter the time or place!”
An oceanic bead of sweat formed on Mt. Lady's temple as she glared aside at her normal-sized familiar. “I am soooo smashing your phone after this...”
Back down at sea level:
“Soooooo...” Sonata leaned in towards Adagio. “...change of plans?”
“Don't be silly,” Adagio hummed in a calm breath. “This actually works in our favor.”
“Uhm... how, exactly?” Aria leaned in as well, eyes trained on the sudden opposition. “I can smell the friggin' bitch's kaiju queefs from down here.”
“I am going to employ my Number One. The chaos will be too much for them to handle. Stick to the plan—get the target out of here. Once elsewhere, we converge and I'll use my Number Two.”
“Okie dokie karaoke...” Sonata Dusk nevertheless gulped. “But if this goes south, I'm farting us to our separate safe houses instead.”
“Don't even dream of it~” Adagio hissed. “We've come too far to fail Sarumaru now.”
“Well?!?” Mt Lady clenched her gloved fists as she raised her boot once again—hovering it threateningly about the three masked women. “We can do this the easy way—or the hard way!”
“What do you have to say for yourselves, evil-doers?!?” Kamui Woods shouted.
“Ah-ah-ahem...” Adagio placed a diva-esque hand over her lycra'd chest. “Chiefly this...” Then—striking a theatrical pose—she thrust her throat to the heavens and spoke with an unnaturally booming voice, echoing across the courtyard in unbroken English: <ATTACK US WITH ALL THAT YOU'VE GOT, SHINJI!!!>
A faint rose light issued outward from Adagio's figure, following the reverberations of her pronounced outburst. For a moment there, the vocalization sapped the noise from everyone and everything in Shibuya. Then—in oozing seconds of abject confusion—every living person blinked and shook their heads, as if processing a thundercloud that had oozed in and out of their skulls. Even Mount Lady and her companions looked confused.
Just along the edge of the intersection—
Vrmmmmmmm!!!
—a scuffed and battered police car rolled up to the scene. Three bruised officers swiftly hopped out, accompanied by Detective Tsukauchi. Tsukauchi took his hat off and lifted his head high, gazing all around as he craned an ear to the sky.
“What... was that voice just now...?” He blinked. “...why is everyone just staring at them?”
He peered past the legs of Mt. Lady, blinking at the three sirens. His gaze ultimately rested on Adagio, who still was standing in her theatrical pose.
“...it was her, wasn't it?”
A dark patch of shadow loomed just beneath Adagio's chin, resembling a tiny fog that clung to her vocal chords. What's more, the rosiness in her eyes appeared noticeably drained as she lowered her head and gazed out her shark helmet at the crowd, awaiting for a response. Any response.
Just then—one after another—voices lit the air. Male voices. Angry Japanese male voices foaming at the teeth.
“You whore!”
“Criminal scum!”
“Ruin my day, will you?!”
“I was supposed to be at work!!”
“You asked for it!”
“I'm going to stomp your face in!”
Suddenly—dozens of random men from all ages and walks of life came sprinting out of the crowd, rushing the very center of Shibuya Crossing. Salary workers tossed their neckties and briefcases, truck drivers abandoned their vehicles, and even a few school boys dropped all of their belongings as they charged full-speed at the three sirens.
“Get ready to lose all your teeth!”
“You're going to regret ever being born!”
“I'll teach you to mess with my neighborhood!”
“Whoahhhhhhhh-dang!” Sonata Dusk was lost between a gasp and a giggle. “It's an entire army!”
“Goddammit! You should have thought this through, Dagi!” Aria Blaze snarled, readying her weapon. “Just how many goddamn fuckers in this country are named 'Shinji'?!?”
Adagio could only gnash her teeth. She clasped a hand to her neck and shook her head, helplessly mute.
“Just how long is she gonna be like that, again??” Sonata stammered.
“Worry about that shit later!” Aria Blaze cocked her gun and fired a stream of bullets in a ricocheting line across the asphalt. Rat-a-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat!!! “Back off, Shinji-stains!”
But this did not dissuade the charging phalanx of citizens in the least. The random men rushed straight at the group, eyes glinting with the same rosy color as the phenomenon issuing earlier from when Adagio had previously hollered in a foreign tongue.
“Oh for fuck's sake...!” Aria grumbled.
“Nothing we can't handle!” Sonata swung her bags full of diamonds and jewelry at the first line of amateur combatants. “Hiiii-YAAA!” Smack!!! Grunting individuals fell to the concrete, the rose light extinguishing in their eyes upon impact. “Hah!” Grinning beneath her barracuda mask, Sonata performed hand chops and high-kicks, easily repelling the berserk rushers. “It's like swatting flies!”
Mount Lady, however, wasn't having nearly as good of a time. “Whoah! H-hey! What are you all doing?!?” Her epic figure teetered and flailed, struggling not to step onto the random male citizens rushing past her enormous boots. “Are you people crazy?!? Leave the v-villains to us!”
“Grgggh!” Death Arms struggled to keep clinging to her shoulder. “Takeyama!! K-keep steady—!”
“I'm doing all I can to keep from squashing these idiots! What in the world's gotten into them—AACK!” Rather comically, she fell backwards and straight towards the nearest subway station. Through sheer gut instinct, the registered hero forced her body back to a normal woman's size before she could crush anyone or anything...
...which did not go well for Death Arms. “Shiiiiiiiiii-iiiii-iiiiiit—!!” Falling over two hundred meters to earth, the heavy hero went plunging straight through the collapsing metal chassis of a police car. CRUNNNNNCH!!! “Oooof...” Bruised and dazed, Death Arms stared up at the sky, catching a tan overcoat in his peripheral vision. “Tsukauchi...”
Detective Tsukauchi tilted the brim of his hat. “Death Arms.” A sweaty smirk. “I do appreciate you and your friends showing up.”
“Meh.”
Back in the center of Shibuya Crossing, the three sirens stood shoulder to shoulder, fighting off the shrinking ring of random attackers with relative ease. Years of martial arts practice met amateur muscle, and the attack that threw Mount Lady off-balance was easily repelled. Soon, a growing ring of bruised and battered bodies lay writhing on the concrete.
“This would be a very good time for our target to show up and prove that this hasn't been a waste of our precious fuckin' time!!!” Aria Blaze snarled in between swinging fists into men's faces. She turned to parry another attack—WHAM!!!—only for a wild tree-branch to smack her across the helmet, knocking her onto her butt. “Ooomf!
“You foul denizens of the underworld!!!” Kamui Woods shouted. His shrunken pupils twitched in a rose-colored haze under his wooden helmet as he swung more tree-like tentacles at the sirens. “I shall have you criminals locked behind bars, if it's the last thing I do!!!”
“Craaaaaaap!!!” Sonata Dusk blocked his wild and thoughtless attacks with the full length of a shotgun. Her boots produced sparks as she was pushed backwards across the asphalt. “Lemme guess—HE'S named 'Shinji' too!”
Adagio Dazzle winced, her upper body still absorbed in a dark cloud.
“Nishiya...!” Mount Lady hobbled up to her feet across the intersection, rubbing her normal-sized head and wincing at the sight of her frenzied companion. “Sn-snap out of it!”
“NEVERRRRR!” Kamui Woods spat through his helmet as he swung branch after branch at Sonata and Adagio, forcing them both back until they cowered behind the muscle car—which he then proceeded to smash into a pile of glass and shrapnel. CRKKKKK! “THESE—” CRASSSH! “—VIXENS—” SMASSSSSH! “—ASKED FOR IT!!!”
“How right he is...” Sonata glared aside at Adagio, then hollered over her shoulder. “Aria!! We could use a hand!”
“Working on it...!!” From a distance, two tiny motors roared to life.
“Huh???” Sweating, the frenzied Kamui Woods looked over.
Aria Blaze had opposite hands gripping the handles of two separate mopeds that she had yanked from a nearby storefront. With bursts of teal light, she propelled both vehicles forward. They dragged her body the full distance between the edge of the street and Kamui Woods. At the last second, she grunted and spun her body, effectively propelling one moped across the hero's face in a mechanical uppercut—SMASSSH! She followed this up with a mid-air kick to the second moped, which sent the enchanted vehicle sailing hard into his gut and pinballing him across Shibuya Crossing.
“Go hump a tree, hippy!” Aria hollered as she backflipped back to her boots.
“Ooooomf—” Kamui Woods went sailing over Mt Lady's head and—SMASSSH!!!—into the glass overhang of a subway exit. Mt Lady and multiple shrieking citizens flinched from the ensuing debris.
One body, however, was unaffected from the flying glass and metal. It was a tall figure—square and muscular—obscured by a thick dark overcoat, save for his rose-glowing eyes.
Adagio gasped mutely. With one hand grasping her neck, she reached out and pointed at the target in question.
Sonata followed her finger—then saw the bright flicker of their three monkey paw totems. A sharp inhale, and she faced the distant target directly. “That's him?”
“Foolish super villains...” The stranger's voice rolled in a deep bass-y Japanese that would make Hunnic invaders quiver. His left arm burnt through the sleeve of his jacket with rippling lava while the other arm steamed with living water. Layer by layer, his upper clothes melted off, revealing hardened skin with the texture of volcanic slade. A head of long stringy black air framed a menacing face, with razor sharp teeth clenched in the glinting sun as the man's pace quickened from a march to a jog, aimed directly at the trio. “You dare challenge the Great Shinji Kazan?!?!”
“Awwwwwwwwwww Hell...” Aria Blaze reached to the ground for her fallen machine gun and cocked it. Ch-Chtung! She spat into the gold light of her shimmering necklace. “Thaaaaaaat's our fucker, alright!”
“He seems pretty drool-y,” Sonata remarked. “Otherwise, I'm sure he would have sniped us with his quirks by now!”
Aria and Adagio exchanged glances. After a knowing nod, Aria barked to Sonata: “So let's take the friggin' advantage! Pick a door for us to rush him with through your Number Two!”
“On it!” Sonata Dusk sprinted full-speed towards the bottom floor entrance of the Starbucks. “Think we can get some pumpkin spice just before—?”
“My sister in Christ—WILL YOU FUCKIN' DROP IT WITH THE PUMPKIN LATTES?!?!” Aria Blaze hollered. PHRMMMBBB!!! The asphalt directly in front of her melted from a projectile splooge of burning lava. “Whoah dayum!” Aria leapt back from the steaming impact, sweating towards their target.
Shinji Kazan had a burning hand outstretched. “You asked for this fight, filthy vultures.” His eyes flickered with residual rose as he quickened his pace. “And by my honor, you shall have it!”
“Try a new pickup line, tough guy.” Aria whistled aside to Adagio, then tossed the lead siren her assault rifle. “Hey, Harpo! Keep him mad and meatheaded! I'm gonna shove his ass through Sonata's door!”
Catching the rifle, Adagio nodded and unleashed the full ammo clip straight at the incoming threat. RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!!!
“Mrmmff! Hrnnngh!” P-Ping!Ping! Kazan's hardened chest easily deflected the first few bullets. He swung his liquid arm forward and absorbed the rest of the projectiles—so that they soon floated like lead soup in his elemental appendage. “It is I who am the final judge and executioner of these Tokyo streets!”
“Yeah, keep talking, ya melon fuck.” Aria Blaze perched atop what was left of the muscle car that Kamui Woods had smashed. “Hrnnnngh...!” She clenched her teeth as she channeled waves of teal-colored energy into the battered chassis. “Come on... come on, girl...—Dagi!”
Switching to her shotgun, Adagio backed up to the car, unloading blast after blast towards Shinji Kazan. BLAM! BLAM!
Kazan absorbed the shots, bruised and bleeding but mostly unfazed. “You want chaos?!?!” He swung his water-y arm, flinging the machine gun bullets back like buckshot. “HAAAAUGH!”
Adagio gasped.
Eyes flicking, Aria twitched her wrist and—CRNNNCH!!!—forced the muscle car's hood to lift up in time to block the projectiles. Cl-Cl-Cl-Cl-Clank!!! Adagio breathlessly leapt onto the vehicle beside her and the two sirens braced themselves as the tires of the wrecked car magically spun and—SCREEEEEECH!!!—the hunk of metal plowed its way across the street atop a river of sparks and slammed straight into Kazan's chest.
WHUMP!
“Ooomf!” Kazan's body reeled.
“!!!” Wordless, Adagio leaned forward and grasped his stone-hard midsection, pinning him tighter to the front of the vehicle as all of them roared across Shibuya Crossing.
“Wench!” Kazan swung his lava arm straight at her. “Let go—!” WHAM! A face full of jewelry smacked him square in the face from Aria's loot bag. “Aaaaah!” Gold and silver littered the urban world blurring beyond him.
“Money can't buy you balls, assmunch!” Aria sputtered, freeing one arm to grip him as the car beneath her shoved the group straight towards the Starbucks entrance. “Sona!!!”
“Ready and waiting!” Sonata Dusk had just finished stroking the framework of the Starbucks' front entrance with her gloved hands. There was a gray haze, accompanied by the sound of invisible leaves, and the coffee shop beyond the door was replaced with hard stone and green vegetation. “Sushi sushi sushi—!”
Scrkkkkkk! The car carrying the other sirens and Kazan flew straight into the buildingside, hitting a curb. The chassis lurched, crashing to a stand-still while flinging the combatants straight forward and into the freshly-conjured portal. Sonata leapt in milliseconds later. As soon as the four vanished, the sound of leaves resumed. The gray haze vanished. One last blink—and the dormant entrance flickered back to the interior of a Starbucks.
In the wake of the quartet of quirk-users vanishing, Shibuya Crossing fell under an eerie silence. The asphalt was covered with debris, bullet shells, and a copious amount of loose jewelry. Slowly, the brainwashed men and boys recovered from the rose-tinted fog that had consumed them. Death Hands and Mt Lady hobbled over to check on Kamui Woods, who appeared as though he was waking up from a strange dream.
The overall crowd was speechless over what had actually taken place. And while what remained of Captain Kando's flooded the intersection from all corners of Tokyo...
...Detective Tsukauchi paced over to the entrance of Starbucks. He stared at the steaming, wrecked remains of the muscle car... then back at the bodies of citizens who were bruised, embarrassed, dazed—but still altogether much alive.
“So... they have multiple quirks...” The young detective stroked his chin in thought. “...nobody outright killed... and the stolen valuables left behind.” His eyes narrowed. “...just what in heaven's name were they after?” A solid blink. He reached into a pocket of his trenchcoat and wrote down a name that still reverberated in his skull. “'Shinji... Kazan...'”
Somewhere high up in the remote, lush, forested mountains of central Honshu...
...there rested an antique wooden inari shrine, flanked by kitsune statues, shadowed by cedar, pine, and sakura trees. An array of red torii gates stood majestically above crooked stone steps that slithered their way down into a verdant plateau of dense vegetation.
Early in the morning—while there was still no person to be seen—a magical wind picked up out of nowhere. Leaves blew in a wild twirling motion across the exposed stonework of the shrine. Then—with a hazy gray aura—a random door to a rickety shack flanking the kitsune statues glowed white-and-blue. The otherworldly light took on a solid outline, and in a blinding flash the space between the edges of the door filled with bright luminescence. The wooden framework unveiled an urban snapshot: Shibuya Crossing, filled with debris and bullet shells and spilled jewelry.
Sonata Dusk's voice filtered through, kissing the trees that dotted that sacred mountain: “Sushi sushi sushi.”
Just a heartbeat and a half later—
Fwoooooossssh!!!
—the hulking body of Shinji Kazan came flying through the portal, followed immediately by the flailing figures of Adagio Dazzle and Aria Blaze.
“Hrnnngh!!!'
“Aaaaaagh!!”
Wrestling, the sirens and their prey—WHAM!—slammed hard against the stone summit of the shrine and went rolling down the winding stone steps, pinballing awkwardly between the inner posts of the torii gates. Thw-Thw-Thwump!!!
Sonata Dusk emerged behind them, held her breath, and clapped her hands together.
Thwoooosh!!! The door to the shack behind her rippled like a blown-out candle, and the vision of downtown Tokyo vanished entirely, replaced once again with an antique wooden door.
Meters below—Wh-Wh-Whump!! Aria Blaze and Adagio Dazzle rolled to a stop, anchoring themselves against crooked roots of cedars that flanked the stone steps.
“Grgghh! Sona!!!” Aria gnashed her teeth as she shouted up the summit. “Couldn't you have chosen a soft snowy hillside in Hokkaido?!?”
“It's summer, fart-face!” Sonata Dusk frowned, scampering down the steep steps to catch up with the two. “So sue me if the northern hemisphere doesn't give a crap about your feelings—” A blob of lava flew up the mountainside, exploding just before her feet. “AAACKIES!!” She went sailing sideways, smacking against two tree trunks before collapsing against a swath of bamboo shoots.
“Awwww crap—” Aria Blaze spun around, fists raised—WHAPPP!!!—a tentacle of pure water uppercutted her. She went toppling backwards, landing awkwardly draped over the top beam of a torii gate. “Hrnngff!”
Adagio gasped. She clutched the patch of shadow still hovering at her throat as she stood up and spun to face the angry figure standing a few meters below them.
“You... … …!” Shinji Kazan flexed his muscles, one half of him burning and the other spitting steam into the crisp mountain air. “You insufferable vixens...” He shook his head, as if trying to loosen cobwebs from his skull. The rose-tinted glow in his eyes was rapidly vanishing, and a curtain of sweat covered his freshly-bruised torso with an angry sheen. “...just what did you do to me??”
“Unnngh...” Sonata could be heard moaning.
“Did he just...” Aria Blaze winced, squinting down from where she draped limply over the gate. “...call us 'vixens?'”
“Don't you know who I am?!?” Kazan's stone-hard muscles rippled as he marched menacingly upwards, his thick shadow already looming over Adagio's figure. “Do you have any idea what I've sacrificed to become what I am?!?” Razor sharp teeth glinted in the light bleeding through the many-many treetops. “I've traveled a distance so great that it would crush your feeble feminine minds to comprehend it—” He froze suddenly, his monstrous frame wilting under a frightened expression. A gold light reflected off his eyes.
Adagio, still mute, grasped the monkey paw totem under her neck. All fingers were pointing at the living quirk-concoction that was confronting her. Inhaling deeply, she bequeathed the target a knowing frown.
“No... don't tell me...” Shinji Kazan took a step or two backwards, shrinking visibly. “Sarumaru...?” His eyes twitched. “You freaks... … …” Sweat drops formed, only to turn to steam from the heat of his lava quirk. “... … …you came to c-collect?!?”
“Mrmmmf!” Aria Blaze dropped down, tossed her helmet off, and struck a full-fisted fighting stance beside Adagio. “That's right, asshole.” Her twin pigtails came to a rest behind her stalwart figure. “We can either do this the easy way or—” SPLOOOOSH!!! A tentacle of water slammed her once again into the treeline behind. “Goddammit!!!”
Adagio gasped, backflipping to dodge a froth of burning liquid being launched in her direction.
“Raaaaaaugh!!!” Kazan marched brazenly up the mountain steps, his eyes burning with anger and hatred. “I will burn through this entire archipelago with the wrath of a million earthquakes before I even think of turning myself in!!!” Anchoring his legs to the hillside with a wide stance, he slapped both limbs together and aimed the resulting mad-burst of steam straight up at the three girls. “STEAMINGGGGGG WICKED WRATTTTTTTTH!!!”
PHWOOOOOOOOOOOMBBB!!!
Adagio braced herself, arms crossed in a desperate attempt to weather the blow. The hot wave of steam blew her back up the mountain—her body smacking through loose branches and shoots of bamboo. At last, her body smacked into a gate and fell straight down to a stone platform below. “!!!” She lurched down on all fours, her helmet rolling loose. Sweating and heaving, she looked up through a disheveled fountain of frizzy-orange hair.
Through a mess of blown leaves and twirling dust, she made out the thick figure of Shinji Kazan marching towards her, trailing steam and flame through the dense woods of the mountain.
“I was blessed with these quirks to dispense righteous justice!!!” His shark-like teeth clacked together in the hazy air. “I do not deserve to be HOUNDED by criminal piss hounds like you!!!”
“Yuck it up, sunshine...” Aria Blaze crawled painfully back up to her feet. “Sonata!” She shouted across the granite steps. “Now would be a good time to summon something badass to kick this punk in the groin!”
“On it!” Sonata Dusk ripped her helmet off, tossed her hair back, and belched high into the steam-stained air: “Bruhhhhhhhhhh!!!”
A blue glob of mist lifted above her, coagulated in mid-air, and—GLORP!!!—landed awkwardly before her, materializing as a four-foot wood elf in green forest gear with a matching cap.
“Hiyaaaaaaaaa!!!” a pre-pubescent icon of video gaming twirled a sword while brandishing a blue-and-gold shield. Schiiiiiiing!!!
“The fuck...?!?” Aria Blaze gawked at the figure, then spat in Sonata's direction. “Really?! Kid Link?!”
“What about him?”
“Like—couldn't you have summoned the badass adult version from Twilight Princess or some shit—?!?”
“Hey!” Sonata Dusk frowned, waving her mostly-empty snack bag. “I'm running on fumes here! He's the biggest I could get!”
“Yeah—let's summon an army of shotas to take on a Rob Liefeld reject! That'll go over well!” Aria waved a hand at Adagio. “Like we weren't already stuck with a mute!”
“Oh ye of little faith!” Sonata Dusk leaned over to squeeze Link's shoulders with a motherly smirk. “Watch the Savior of Hyrule save the day in courageous fashion!” She slapped the Hylian's posterior and urged him into battle. “Go get 'em, fairy boy!”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaa—!” Link ran full-speed towards Kazan, deku sword swinging—
WHAM!!! All it took was one flaming uppercut and the elf child went airborne.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughhhh!” The Hylian flew into the neighboring treetops in a green blur.
Sonata Dusk winced, her siren features drooping. “Shoot... shoulda stocked up on more heart pieces.”
“I'll bring an end to your putrid lives!!!” Kazan stormed full-speed up the steps, charging the three.
“Dagi!!” Sweating, Aria Blaze flung the eldest a stern look. “I know your Number Two is a wildcard—but quit holding back! It's now or nev—”
PHWOOOMBBB!!! A stream of lava rippled between them from Kazan's latest volley. The earth split open, rippled, and exploded skyward with burning chunks of debris.
“Fuckin' helllll—!!” Aria went flying in one direction.
“!!!” Adagio soared in the other. Before she could topple upside-down again, she managed to grasp onto a horizontal tree-branch, swing upright, and flip earthwards before landing in a nimble squat. Clenching her teeth, the mute siren looked up at the fresh plumes of smoke.
“Ari! Dagi!” Sonata's voice called from a higher mountain perch. “You guys roasted to a crisp??” She sniffed the air. “Or is that just the bamboo I smell cooking?!?”
“Dammit! Eveything's going to shit!” Aria Blaze hissed and spat, rubbing her bruised chin as she stood up. “We gotta—...” With wide eyes, she blinked down the mountainside. Her eyes reflected a bright clearing in the forest. “Hold up! I'll be back!”
“Where in the Ronald McFuckald are you going?!?” Sonata shrieked, crouching low on a stone outcropping.
“Just keep him busy!” As Aria sprinted swiftly down the incline, she pointed up at the other two. “We're getting paid for this fucking gig one way or another!”
“Hrmmmfff...” Sonata crawled on all fours across the ash-laden mountaintop like a mudfish. “Why does she get to exercise her 'Cowardly Card?'” She reached the ragdoll body of her collapsed Nintendo summon. “Hey! Fairy boy!” She poked Link several times in the cheek. “Quick! Gotta aggro some more!” A blink—and her eyes rolled. “Oh, for sushi's sake... BRUHHH!” She belched into the air above him.
A tiny sphere of blue mist orbited the Hylian's head, then morphed into a bright little fairy. The fantasy creature dissolved into sparkling energy, accompanied by the sound of twinkling cymbals. After the resurrection spell was absorbed into his body, Link's eyes fluttered open—then widened as he was hoisted up by the collar of his Kokiri tunic via Sonata's wrist.
“Hey Shit Kazan!!” Sonata barked, spinning twice and flinging the Hero of Time downhill like an adolescent missile. “It's dangerous to be you! Take this!!”
“Yiaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh—!” Link hollered for the extent of his goofy Battle Royale dive.
“Nani—?!?” Kazan looked up—then got a face full of boi. “Ooomf!”
Young Link perched on his shoulders and—Clank! Clank! Clank!—repeatedly stabbed into Kazan's rock-hard skull with his blade. “Raaugh! Yaaugh! Haaagh!”
“Get off me—you disgusting little gremlin!!!” Shinji Kazan flailed, swinging arms of water and flame in opposite directions.
Adagio Dazzle—meanwhile—was running circles around the scene. She hopped, skipped, and jumped over errant elemental projectiles landing all across the mountain. Finally—after a brilliant cartwheel maneuver—she twirled past a ribbon of burning rock and perched nimbly atop a stone lantern. Holding her breath, she struck a pose, palms pressed against one another and pointed fingers touching.
“Yeah, Dagi!” Sonata pumped a fist from the other side of the stone path. “Charge up and let him have it—!!” A shrieking, airborne Hylian flew into her torso, shield-first. “FAPPO!!” The siren and her conjuration crashed wildly into a wall of bamboo beside the trail.
“YOU.” Kazan spun, facing squarely across the trail from the well-poised Adagio. “You're the leader of this motley crew, huh?!” His nostrils trailed steam and smoke. “I'll find the time to feed your burnt meat to your sisters-in-arms once all of this is said and done.”
Adagio merely glared. Her eyes burned with hot violet energy—a light that soon ran in burning waves down from her scalp and towards the furthest strands of her long, long hair.
“Oh. What?!?” Kazan balked, waving his rippling arms at her. “What quirk could Sarumaru have possibly given you that would make you think you're even close to being a match for the great Shinji Kazan—???”
Adagio flattened her palms and aimed both straight out at him. FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!! A stream of bright purple energy slammed straight into Kazan's chest like a steel pillar, pressing and pulverizing further so that he was pounded viciously into the mountain's flesh with the force of a thousand atmospheres.
“Mrrrrrrrghh-aaaauggggghhh!!” Kazan swung his arms with helpless futility. Chunks of lava rippled on one side while a boundless curtain of steam kissed the opposite air. Agonizingly—with each passing second—his hulking body was being pressed deeper and deeper into the stone earth, splitting trees and ripping bamboo shoots apart on all sides. The whole mountain shook—all the while Adagio continued her projectile punishment, focusing the beam harder and tighter until it formed cracks across Kazan's stone-hard sternum.
“Yeah, Dagi! You've got this!” Sonata Dusk pumped a fist from where she watched the unfolding debacle. “Burrow him straight to China—er... I mean...” She winced, blushing through an awkward smile. “Push him till he poops out in Texas!”
Despite having the upper hand—if even for what was going longer than a minute—Adagio was visibly nervous. Burning layers of ash kissed her ankles, legs, and thighs. She looked out her twitching peripheral to see that the full length of her hair was being consumed—burning and melting to mere smoke like a dynamite's lit fuse. What was once a full-bodied mane was shrinking up her spine, her shoulder, and soon her neck... burning away with each prolonged heartbeat that she spent unleashing the blast beam into her opponent's body.
“Uhmmm...” Sonata gulped with apprehension, shrinking in her hiding space above the conflagration. “...now would be a verrrrrry good time to knock him out cold, Dagiiiii!”
But Kazan was far from unconscious: “Raaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaaaaugh!!!” He impossibly flexed his muscles against the torturous onslaught, his body forming a human-shaped impression in the breast of the mountain.
At last—Adagio's hair whittled away almost entirely, leaving a feather-thin pixie cut that hugged her delicate head and ears.
Fl-Fl-Flaaaaash!!! The energy being released from her palms flickered, dissipated, and—
Whmp!!
—Adagio collapsed on her hands and knees, panting for breath. “!!!”
Kazan, meanwhile...
“Mrmmmffghh... HAAAA!” He hopped out of the fresh smoking hole with a splash of pebbles and dirt. “Mrmmgh—Ha ha ha ha!!” Beating his hard chest, he marched victoriously towards the collapsed siren. “I thought it was Samson who depended on his hair, eh, Delilah??” He sneered, razor teeth barred. “But no matter. I'll render you like the temple of old.” He brought both elemental hands together, preparing to clap them once again—within just a few centimeters of Adagio's shivering head. “Collapsed. Ruined. Destitute.” His eyes glinted, as if devoid of a dark shadow. “Like whatever contract you three made with Sarumaru.”
Adagio's gaze focused on the bright glimmer in Kazan's eye. She brought a hand to her neck, gasping in realization that the dark shadow had gone.
“Dagi, look out—!” Sonata tried sprinting towards the scene from afar.
Kazan slowly brought his water and lava hands together: “STEAMING. WICKED. WRA—”
Adagio jumped up to her feet and shouted in German: <ACCEPT YOUR DEFEAT, SHINJI!!!>
“... … …!!!” Kazan froze in place—as did his limbs, barely millimeters from touching one another and unleashing his focused attack.
“!!!” Sonata scampered to a stop, gasping at the scene.
Adagio breathed and breathed... feeling a hovering cloud of shadow yet again alighting her neck. Mute once more, she gripped her throat and leaned back, easing both her body and lungs.
Kazan twitched and squirmed in place, despite his body being locked in mid-attack. “Mrmmf... again...???”
“Hrnngh...” Shinji Kazan gnashed his pointed teeth, glaring down at Adagio's petite figure. “If... you think... that this... could possibly defeat me...” He spat, fought the quirk, and forced one muscle after another to twitch and come back to life. “...you're sorely mistaken—”
HONKKKK! HONKKKKK!!!
The air roared with thunderous engines—followed by snapping trees and sundered earth.
The ground shook.
Gasping, Sonata and Adagio looked down hill.
Vrmmmmmmm-mmmmmm-mmmmmm!!! Empowered by bright teal energy, a hulking semi truck engine barreled its way up the mountainside, snapping through trees and bushes and bamboo like they were twigs. Aria Blaze straddled the driver's side footboard, her twin pigtails rippling in the wind.
“... … ...” Kazan blinked down at the vehicular missile roaring his way. “That on the other hand... just might do it.”
“Hey fuckwad! Uber's here!!!” Aria Blaze spat, backflipping wildly off the chassis with both middle fingers shooting his way. “Destination—your beehole!!!”
Screeeeeech—POWWWW!!! The truck slammed into Kazan's body like a comet, exploding upon impact. Adagio and Sonata dove wildly in opposite directions as a plume of fire consumed what was left of the stone steps and sent shockwaves echoing all across the mountain range. Flocks of birds soared for the heavens and countless tree canopies waved outward in all directions. There were several more explosive sounds—each thud more reverberating than the last—and the three sirens recovered from their wild leaps to see Shinji Kazan's battered husk of a body rolling to a stop several meters below.
Then lying limp and unconscious. His liquid and lava limbs returned to flesh, and the stone hardening of his body softened to show an array of fresh blue bruises.
“Whew...” Aria Blaze fanned herself—then resorted to rippppping her lycra top open, exposing midriff and more than a modicum of bosom. “Fukkin' A...” She rested against a tree, whipping out a cigarette and lighting it. “Hmmmff...” A puff or two of the cigarette, and she flicked ashes towards the beaten target beyond the cliff. “Sorry it took so long. Had to run a full hike to reach the truck stop below.”
“I think just a milk truck would have done the job,” Sonata muttered.
“Oh. I'm sorry.” Aria Blaze blew smoke, frowning at her sibling. “How 'bout we un-Al-Qaeda his ass and see how fast you would pull that shit out of a magic hat?!?”
“I'm just trying to be constructive.” Sonata rolled her eyes. “Jesus-Pizzas.”
Sonata pointed the cigarette at Adagio. “She still Silent Bobbing?”
Adagio winced, grasping her throat. She nodded her short head of hair.
Aria smirked. “Nice job, Tinkerbell. But you gotta find out a way to stretch your Number Two out longer.”
“You should have seen her blast him super hard into the mountainside earlier!” Sonata beamed. “Pewwwwwwwwwwww-Kaboooom! It was killer~!”
“Yeah, well, I'd only be impressed if she bored him a hole all the way to China.”
“Texas.”
“Whatever.” Aria flicked the cigarette down to what remained of the stone floor and grinded it to inert bits. “Come on.” She hopped down the cliffside and slid towards their knocked-out prey. “The mutant incel won't handcuff himself~”
“Wait for me!” Sonata scampered after her. “I love handcuffing!!”
“No, you love picking up knocked out opponents and playing with them like a cat!”
“But it's so fuuuuuuun! And the clips I get from our replays garner tons of hits on Reddit!”
“But the sooner you frag 'em, the sooner we can loot more ammo and shield potions!”
“But just imagine the looks on their boyfriends' faces when they see us all emoting around the soon-to-be corpse!”
“Why do you always insist that every enemy Fortnite squad is comprised of gay boyfriends? They're kids, Sonata. Dumb... stupid... snot-nosed brats.”
“If the game's made for kids, then why's there Eminem music? And John Wick? And that one dude who murdered a million people at Astroworld Festival?”
“Okay, first off, I don't think you get to talk so much smack when you suck such big balls at the game.”
“I don't suck! I just... flounder sexily towards victory!”
“Yeah—'cuz Dagi and I have to carry you.”
“You'll carry my tits, betch.”
“Dolphin-humper.”
“Only that one tiiiiiiime!!”
As Sonata and Aria made their way towards the fallen Kazan, Adagio Dazzle followed behind at a leisurely distance. She took a deep breath... ultimately exhaling through a rosy smile. She glanced down at her neck—past the temporary dark cloud hovering near her throat—and saw the monkey paw totem glimmering with gold light. She clasped it in one palm, then ran her other hand casually over her pixie short hair...
...before joining the other two in properly binding the limbs of their target.
Decrepit, ramshackle, filled with junk and detritus beyond shadowed recognition... ... ...
... ... ... a single television flickered brightly atop a table, casting haunting shadows all over the dreary domain.
It was a news broadcast playing helicopter footage from Shibuya Crossing on repeat. From a bird's eye point of view, three femme fatales dressed tightly in black could be seen fighting a burning quirk-bearer before shoving him into a mysterious portal. The phenomenon vanished as soon as they made their exit, and the many-many bewildered onlookers and injured men named "Shinji" could be seen standing up to begin their long, confusing, groggy recovery.
More random news clips revealed Police slowly arriving at the scene, accompanying the injured bodies of Mt Lady, Kamui Woods, and Death Arms as they helped escort citizens to first aid facilities.
Meanwhile, a dark figure shifted in the deepest shadows of the room. The faint outline of a disfigured head kissed the light from the television. A gnarled hand dialed a number on a cell phone, and after a briefly-repeated tone, a voice could faintly be heard on the other line.
A gruff voice hissed into existence, issuing out from the hunched-over figure: "Yes. I'm watching the archived footage as we speak."
Silence.
The figure shifted in the dusty darkness. "That's correct. I too saw it live. It matches exactly what happened in Osaka. Mmmmhmmm... yes... and it's just like what transpired in Kyoto and Okinawa as well."
The televised news flickered to composite sketches of three questionably young female portraits. The anchorperson squirmed awkwardly, apologizing profusely that absolutely zero witnesses were able to provide accurate details of hair, eyes, or facial features to the press.
"They're on the move," the gruff voice continued. Feet shuffled. A mutant head formed a grotesque outline in the rectangular glow of the television screen. "Nobody can catch up with them. The police... registered superhumans... even All-Might himself, if he wasn't retired..."
The figure's head shook and he wheezed slowly, shaking from head to toe.
"...I don't think anyone is capable of matching the strength of their quirks."
The voice on the other line rang eerily.
"Yessssss..." The figure lisped. He slowly reached a trembling hand up to a lamp beside him. "...I too have seen the close-up pictures of the three on social media... and if you ask me, Kaminari..."
Click!
Light flooded the UA dorm room, revealing mountains of crumpled tissues forming a hikikomori war trench around an elaborate scrap book full of printouts of three sexy sirens dressed in black lycra and wearing fish-themed helmets.
"These three villains..." Mineta shrieked, nostrils flaring as the grapefruit balls across his scalp throbbed in earnest. "...are the absolute most hottest bitches to ever grace Tokyo!!!"
The voice on the other line grunted, then chirped something else.
"What?" Mineta did a double-take, grimacing. "Hell no, dude. Fortnite sucks. Download Overwatch." Click. "...Hello?"
...a lone island resided, stuffed full of concrete and steel buildings overrun with wild vegetation. Soulless remains of a coal processing plant and multiple abandoned apartments formed a decrepit framework under an overcast afternoon sky. The place had been completely isolated and uninhabited for decades.
Well—for the most part, at least.
Just then—on the first floor of one of the many-many-many ruined apartment buildings—a random sliding door glowed with a bright gray haze. There was the magical sound of rustling leaves, then—
Flassssh!
—the door opened to reveal a mountain shrine and blistering sunlight beyond. This light was soon blotted out by the enormous frame of a hulking mountain of a human being: a ridiculously muscular man with turquoise hair, a metal nose, and impossibly bulky shoulders. Wearing little more than cybernetic pauldrons and a crimson speedo, he bouldered his way through the narrow door frame before gracelessly tossing Shinji Kazan's bound body onto an open space of concrete. Through the whole duration, he roared: “Superrrrrr~~!!”
“Gaaaaaaa—Mrmmmfff!!!” Shinji Kazan rolled a few times before colliding with the bent beams of a rusted metal gate. He grunted and writhed on the ground, his bruised body tightly restrained by multiple cuffs along his arms and legs. “Goddamn freak...!”
“Silence, old fool!” The cyborg dusted his hands off before striking a pose with his massive shoulders jutting in the air. Dark shades glinted above a swarthy grin. “You can do absolutely nothing about those bindings.”
“He's absolutely right, you know.” Adagio Dazzle stepped out of the portal, shortly followed by Aria Blaze and Sonata Dusk. “So many powerful quirks you've been given...” She smirked. “It's too bad they only work if you can flex your muscles.” She leaned over and pursed her lips in the air above Kazan's frowning face. “That's a little hard to do when you're tied up tighter than a Filipina cervix on Easter.”
“You will not get away with this...” Kazan hissed. “One way or another, I will—”
“What?” Aria Blaze folded her arms and scowled down at the man. “Piss yourself? Face it, cucksicle. You're a useless slab of flabby meat without your mutant football league superpowers. So just suck it up with whatever millimeters of real manhood you've got left.”
“To think that Sarumaru would ever have bargained with the likes of you—”
“Sarumaru doesn't make mistakes,” Adagio said, standing upright again. “But his clients still can. Thankfully, my dear sisters and I are ahead of the curve.”
“Yeah!” Sonata was finishing a long, gentle hand-stroke across the apartment door. The gray light vanished, and the image of mountain trees was gone for good, replaced with the typical urban ruin of the island. “So what's your excuse, poopyhead?!”
Aria grimaced at Sonata. “'Poopyhead?'”
Sonata stuck her tongue out. “Oh please. Like I can really compete with you in the potty mouth department.”
“You can at least fukkin' try~”
“Soooooo...” The huge cyborg man looked down at Sonata. “Are we hoisting anchor, orrrrr....?”
“Nah, we're good, Franky.” Sonata patted his side. “You can punch out for the day.”
“Suuuperrr—” And with that, the giant specimen of masculinity vanished in a melting blue mist.
Sonata walked casually through the falling dust of her summon and posed before the other two women. “Sooooooooo... now that we're here....?”
“We wait,” Adagio said. “Like we always do.”
“Sarumaru's not gonna make us sit here forever, is he?” Aria droned.
Adagio gestured. “Look at the totems, ladies~”
Sonata and Aria glanced at their matching necklaces. All three monkey paws were clenched into fists, pulsating rhythmically with a slow-and-steady gold strobe.
“Whatever...” Aria yawned, fumbling through her torn lycra suit for another cigarette. “So long as we get to hit the bars after sunset.”
“The bars???” Sonata's everything drooped. “But I wanna hop on the servers once the Item Shop rotatesssss!”
“The fuck are you even hoping for?” Aria scowled back at her. “A chance to impulse-buy Potassius Peels for the thirteenth goddamn time in a row?!?”
“Isabelle, motherflubber!!!”
“What are you insipid harpies even talking about?!?” Kazan bellowed.
“Christ on a cross...” Adagio face-palmed. “At this rate, his incessant moaning will be heard all the way to Nagasaki.”
“Fuck that.” Aria lit a cigarette while glancing at Sonata. “You still got enough juice in ya?”
“Hey! Big boy!” Sonata leaned over Kazan, eyelashes fluttering. “What's the first hentai pic ever drawn?”
“BRUHHHH!!!” Sonata spat a blue blob that hovered over Kazan's face, materialized into a woodprint octopus, then landed squarely over his mouth with tentacles gripping tight to the back of his skull.
—“Mrmmmfff-rmmmfffff!!!” Kazan's eyes crossed. Courtesy of the tentacles, he only had his nostrils to breathe through, and he writhed helplessly with the mollusk's added binding to his upper body.
“Now make like a Fisherman's Wife and shut the fluff up!” Sonata Dusk stretched nimbly before rubbing her growling belly. “Leopard's peppers! I could really go for some tempura right about now~”
“I'll pretend not to envy you, girl.” Aria, puffing from a cigarette, wandered over to sit on a partially intact parking brick. Not long after, Adagio Dazzle sat down beside her. “Jee... why don't you make yourself at home...?”
Adagio spoke in a calm, quiet tone. “Would you like to know what I think about today's mission?”
“No.”
Dagi smiled sweetly. “We couldn't have done it without you. More times than I can count, Aria, you came through to save the day with your Quirk. I think it's only fitting to convey how very much I'm proud of you.”
Aria pinched the cigarette in two hands and blew smoke. “Jee. Thanks, Mom.”
“I'm serious.”
“I know you are.” Aria rolled her eyes. “From the very moment you called today's shit a 'mission,' I knew you were wearing your try-hard panties. But we're not at war, Dagi. We've just got a job to do and I expect us to get paid.”
“Well, you're due for payment most of all.”
“Heh...” Aria finished one last puff and grind the cigarette into the concrete below them. “Don't I know it~” Her brow furrowed as she slumped against her knees, hugging herself with a blasé expression. “I feel like a fuckkin' kung fu chauffeur half the goddamn time. Would be pretty friggin' swell to... belch up Dragonquest blobs or shoot lasers out of my cooch like you two.”
“Slimes,” Sonata said from behind.
“Huh?” Aria looked over her shoulder.
“They're not called 'blobs' in Dragonquest. They're called slimes—”
“The fuck does anyone care about th—” Aria waved a harm dramatically. “I just wanna do more than hotwire a sports car by giving it a prostate massage! What if we got a job to do off the shore from Okinawa or some shiet?!”
“You can pilot jet skis...” Sonata blinked. “...can't you?”
“Fuck me with a chainsaw—do you hear that woman?” Aria rolled her eyes. “After your next cup of ramen, consider vomiting us up the Yamato and then we can take on the whole goddamn archipelago.”
“It doesn't work like that!”
“Fine. Eat a bowl of ramen, then.”
“Aria...” Adagio rested a hand on Aria's shoulder. “I get it. You're angry. You feel left out. But we're going to make up for that.”
“Hrmmmmf... like how?”
“Liiiike...” Adagio smirked. “...I especially requested that we receive your Number Two as payment.”
“My... my Number Two...?” Aria blinked more than once. She pointed at the man restrained by bindings and an octopus. “For this?”
“Mmmmhmmm.” Adagio nodded. “I noted your requests and considerations at our last meeting. I have full faith that you'll be the one gifted this time. Maybe even tonight.”
Aria leaned back, kicking her legs out and making lazy trails in the dusty ground. “... … … tonight, huh?”
“Quite possibly. Wouldn't that be fantastic? For you—and the team?”
“Mmmm...” Aria tongued the inside of her mouth, as if bullwhipping a smile further down her cold throat. “Depends.”
“On what?”
“The drawbacks, of course. I bitch a lot—I know—but at least I haven't got them nearly as bad as you and Sona.”
“Eh...” Sonata shrugged, tossing chocolate-covered raisins into her mouth from a secret pocket beneath her lycra suit. “Mrmmmfff... you get used to it.”
“Speaking of which...” Aria gestured towards the back of Adagio's head. “Seems like it's making good time.”
“Hmmm? Oh... you think...?” Adagio ran a hand down her scalp, feeling the length of her orange hair reaching just past her ears and tickling her neck. “It's getting to nearly one inch per hour.”
“Are you doing anything to control that?”
“Not really. I've yet to master the whole... hair management part of my Number Two.” Adagio cleared her throat. “It seems the more that I use the quirk, the less time it takes to grow back. Perhaps I should engage it more often.”
“Yeah, but it's our ace in the hole,” Aria said. Her voice took on a quiet mutter, and she avoided Adagio's direct gaze. “All things considered, I couldn't have aimed the truck at Kazan earlier had you not given him the big One-Two on the mountainside.”
“Why... thank you, Aria...” Adagio smiled. “I'll take that as a compliment.”
“Yeah, well... don't get used to it.” Aria's face returned to a frown. “And you better drop this whole 'team-captain-schtick' soon. It made a bit more sense back in the other world... back when we were completely powerless and struggling to so much as get fooed. But now—?”
“Now... we are stillrecovering,” Adagio emphasized. “And—for all intents and purposes—I say we've been doing quite swimmingly with me in charge.”
“And you just love to touch yourself at night...” Aria squinted at her. “Thinking about being at the helm of this whole new life we've been living, huh?”
“Would you rather be the one to call the shots instead of me? Hmmm?”
“Pffft...” Aria blew out the side of her mouth. “Fuck that.”
“Heheheh...” Adagio chuckled. “Just as I thought.”
“Uh... guys...?” Sonata's voice lifted in the air—tinged with a bright golden aura. She held her totem up high. The strobe was incessant now, rapid and fluctuating in a way that would make nearby epileptics faint.
“Stuff it,” Adagio grunted. After a brief wince, she continued more delicately: “Please. Allow me the proverbial microphone for this. Things always go far better when I'm the one doing the talking.”
“Yeah, about that...” Sonata stood alongside the other two as a magical wind picked up across the abandoned island, increasing along with the gold pulse of the totems. “Have you thought about using Number One... y'know...”
Adagio blanched. “Against Sarumaru?”
“Gawd...” Aria rolled her eyes. “Why can't she be this assertive in competitive squads...?”
“Even if I was suicidal enough to consider the notion...” Adagio frowned at Sonata. “...do you really think our great benefactor would gift us quirks that could be used against him?”
Sonata let out a sad sigh. “You're right...” She hung her shoulders guiltily. “I guess I'll leave my mouth just for belching...”
“Don't be too sorry, my dear.” Adagio pointed at her with a brief smirk. “Save that vicious cold-bloodedness for when we can all use it.”
“Oh yeah?” Sonata perked up. “And just when will that be?”
“Patience, darlings.” Adagio cracked her neck joint as the three faced a growing cyclone of energy manifesting just beyond Kazan's prone body. “Let us all stock up on our quirks, first.”
“Three is a magical number,” Aria hummed.
“Precisely~” Adagio sang back.
“Shhhh!” Sonata leaned in, eyes wide. “His banana-ness approacheth~”
The fluctuating light source coalesced into a twelve foot tall pillar. Bolts of electricity sparked out from random angles.
Kazan—still wrestling with the summoned octopus that muzzled him—glanced up at the phenomenon with twitching eyes. His pupils shrank as rivulets of fearful sweat ran down his garish skin.
The vertical beam of light turned solid—then unraveled like a massive cotton ball being spread thin across a giant mirror. But instead of fibrous strands, there emerged a dark glossy form. At first, it resembled an orca emerging from cold sea water, and it had the black eyes and polished white teeth to match.
Sonata bit her lip. She touched her gloved fingers together in nervous anticipation.
With a thud thud thud of muscular feet, the mutant creature stepped onto the ruined street of the abandoned island. He was dressed in long cargo pants with weapon bandoleers criss-crossing over his broad pectoral muscles. As if his hulking frame wasn't menacing enough, he carried a high caliber assault rifle that he was keen to wave in the direction of the three sirens and their captured prey.
Just a few seconds later, another figure emerge—just as large if not bigger than the previous. This tall specimen had ghost-white eyeslits crowning a mouth affixed with mantis-like mandibles. A shell-like green torso flexed with hidden muscles, and he kept one gnarled hand resting threateningly on the hilt of a partially-sheathed five-foot long razor-edged masamune sword.
Aria Blaze clenched her teeth hard; she folded her arms in a forced pout to hide any hint of apprehension.
Once the two henchmen took positions, a third figure emerged from the levitating portal. This figure was a paltry five feet, but every one of the sixty inches was dressed to the nines. Expensive leather shoes with an immaculate shine clapped across the cold concrete. Dark silk-smooth pantlegs flapped in the magical breeze. His slender frame was clad in a large, cape-like trenchoat of black cloth with a crimson trim, and it obscured his body into a rigid, triangular shape—almost like a chess figure.
Adagio Dazzle stared intently, fearlessly at the cloaked figure.
He stared back through eerie human eyes. Eerie—for they were set deep within the center of very simian features. The man had the broad cheeks and extended ears of some cross between a chimpanzee and an orangutan, and he had gone through extensive lengths—with decades of practice, no doubt—of slicking and combing his copious amount of chestnut brown ape hair back into a knotted ponytail. Even his sideburns looked well-trimmed, and he bore a serious, deadpan expression of rigid intensity.
His deep bass voice matched all of that and more: “Rarely do the totems lie. And I find that—from all of my contacts in the Field—yours lie the least.”
Adagio shrugged with a proud smile. “Did you just admit that we're your favorites, Sarumaru?”
“Take note that I did not say that they never lie.” Pearl white teeth showed under his inhuman lips. The edges of his trenchcoat flapped red in the breeze, and he tightened his body like a flagpole to keep the banner resolute. “I am keen to do business with you—but I reserve respect for perfection.”
“A noble challenge...” Adagio bowed, and Sonata and Aria followed suit. “...in a world made distinct for its imperfections.”
“As you clearly cling to,” Sarumaru muttered, eyes narrowing. “One of these days you will bowfirst and speak second when we meet.”
Adagio stood up with a wry smirk. “Now where's the fun in that?”
“Enough prattle.” Sarumaru shrugged one shoulder and his two hulking henchmen took a menacing step forward, gripping their weapons. “Just where is the target? Surely, you do know the consequences of bringing a debtor in lifeless~”
Adagio proudly waved at Kazan's bound figure lying on the ground. “You really think we would ruin our track record?”
“Don't brag yet, off-worlder. I must first inspect my lord's new merchandise...” Sarumaru slowly marched over until he was casting a shadow on Kazan's prone figure. “What in blazes' name is this sea creature doing with his gizzard?”
Sonata winced.
“Ahem...” Adagio smiled earnestly. “Just a useful tool—courtesy of the first quirk you granted the youngest of us.”
“How charming,” the ape-person droned. “Do get rid of it.”
“Zoop~” Sonata Dusk leaned over, snapping a finger.
Glarp! The octopus dissolved as if from a Thanos-snap. Kazan gasped wildly, then sputtered in the shadow of the well-dressed man. “Lord Sarumaru! These blasted harpies—I have no idea what they thought they were doing—!”
“Fulfilling a contract,” Sarumaru's human eyes narrowed over primate lips. “My contract.”
“But Lord—that's impossible! I've paid all my dues!”
“Have you, now...?” Sarumaru shimmied his upper body left and right. His trenchcoat unraveled, revealing a torso clad in a neat red-and-black sleeveless vest. Sleeveless—for Sarumaru was clearly paraplegic underneath the cloak. But where the man lacked in two naturally-attached arms, he possessed a bevy of over two dozen life-sized monkey paws, all fitted into the inner lining of his cloak like a shady watch salesman might bear his illicit goods in a dark alley. “And what of the fire in Sendai? Or the arsons in southern Hokkaido?”
Kazan gritted his razor-sharp teeth. “I haven't the faintest clue—”
“Am I expected to believe the same about the fire that broke out earlier today in Yokohama?” Sarumaru's hairy brow furrowed. “When I gave you these quirks, you promised that you would use them to dispense vigilante justice—as it was your self-proclaimed career dream.”
“And I have, Lord Sarumaru—!!”
“You have been making contracts with the Ashi Clan! The one group my master and I forebade you to even speak with! For the past three months, you've been burning up stores and living spaces for their pathetic insurance fraud schemes!” Sarumaru spat. One by one, the monkey paws inside his cloak clenched into furry fists. “This threatens our territory in this realm and our anonymity! Of all the ways you could have paid back the debt you owe my Master—you chose the most foolish and dishonorable!”
“And that's why you've sent a trio of oversexed valykyries after me—?!?” Kazan's eyes suddenly crossed—“Hrrkkk!!”—for he was at the receiving end of a monkey paw strangling his throat.
“That is why...” One by one, Sarumaru launched the paws at Kazan's body like miniature missiles. They gripped the man's every limb and joint, lifting him effortlessly off the ground in a combined multi-angle choke-hold. “...I hired far more reputable clients to collect both their debt and yours at the same time.” The man's body turned as if he was naturally applying the choke through one of his missing arms. He glared through the forest of floating paws, his eyes reflecting Kazan's suffocating expression. “This was not a bounty hunting job. This was garbage collecting.”
“Wh-what... snrkkkt...” Kazan's eyes rolled back in his head. “...are you... g-going to do... t-to me...?!?”
“What belongs to my Master remains the property of my Master.” Sarumaru flicked his neck. One of his many-many paws let go of Kazan and snapped its flingers.
The portal beside him and his henchmen fluctuated. The two hulking specimens stepped back as tentacles of bright light ribboned between the portal and Kazan's body. Shinji Kazan gasped—and he writhed within the grip of Sarumaru. After mere seconds, any trace of lava, water, or stone elementalism vanished. Kazan's muscular frame shrank, giving way to a trembling waif of a human being with pale skin and balding hair.
“N-no... please...!” Kazan's voice was light as a feather, and tears formed in his bloodshot eyes. “Not m-my quirks...!”
“They were never yours. And now—because of your foolishness—you will never taste of the Master's power again.”
“You... c-can't do this...!”
“Consider the deed done. The agreement, rescinded. And your flesh...?” Sarumaru pivoted, and Kazan did too—levitating in the monkey-paw grip over towards the portal. “...it shall be tossed back like the rubbish it always was... back to the universe from which you came.”
“No! I-I'm a wanted man there!”
“If the only people who want you desire to kill you...” Sarumaru tilted his head back with a disgusted look. “Then let that be the only contract you're competent enough to fulfill.”
“Wait—no no no no no no no no!” Kazan flinched and flailed as—
“BE GONE!!!”
—Sarumaru threw him at full-force into the portal. Shinji Kazan vanished, shrieking.
Silence once more reigned across the abandoned island.
“Mrmmmfff...” Sarumaru let out a long sigh. He drew the multiple floating hands inward so that they orbited him as if he was the nucleus of a monkey atom. “Do forgive the outburst,” he muttered aside to Adagio. One pair of paws straightened his cloak while a few others dusted off his expensive silk vest. “I take great offense at those who bring disappointment to my Master.”
“I only regret that we couldn't bring him to you sooner~” Adagio said with a smile.
“Don't pat yourself that hard on the back,” Sarumaru gave her a bored look. “I would have preferred you three to have not made such a scene in the heart of Shibuya.”
“It was the only way to drag the likes of Kazan out of hiding,” Adagio said. “Your reports were right—he truly can't... … …. couldn't resist the opportunity to intervene on behalf of criminal activity. We didn't even know about what he was doing in Yokohama. Once the totems gave us an indication of his whereabouts, we knew we had to bring a sporting bundle of chaos his way.”
“And you nearly got captured by the Police Force and three pro heroes in the process—”
“But we didn't.” Adagio smiled, finger raised. “Because the fires in Yokohama distracted most of them and the leftover do-gooders who tried to intervene were pure garbage, personified.”
“I do believe you fail to see the consequences you could have suffered for relying so heavily on your improvisational methods—”
“On the contrary—I think we anticipate the reward of a job well done.” Adagio held both hands out. “So how 'bout it?”
Sarumaru bore her a steely-eyed glare.
Aria Blaze and Sonata Dusk both fidgeted, looking between their eldest and the simian quirk-bearer.
The two hulking henchmen noticeably squirmed as the seconds dragged on and—
“Very well.” Sarumaru used two floating hands to adjust the collar of his coat. “I am indeed a man of honor. But it would do you good to not press me into having to prove it.”
“Now why would I need to do a thing such as that...?” Adagio purred.
“You talk too much. And this island smells rank.” Sarumaru briefly resembled a disgruntled chimp in a cage as he looked around at the run-down buildings. “To think that even the legendary Stain resided in places like this...” His hairs stood on end as he shuddered. “So unnerving...”
Adagio squinted, gesturing. “You do remember our last talk about—?”
“Yes yes.” Sarumaru beckoned with three sets of fingers at Aria. “Bring the foul-mouthed one here.”
Aria Blaze shuffled towards him, grumbling. “You think my mouth is dirty, try to imagine my fingers up your—”
“AHEM,” Adagio coughed while Sonata stifled a giggle.
“A very fortuitous thing that you let your elder talk at our meetings.” Sarumaru stood at a fixed space across from Aria on approach. “Now—if you feel what one might interpret as an inappropriate touch, you have my full-assurance that it was a mere coincidence. I have an awful lot of fingers to coordinate, after all...”
“Inappropriate what—??” Aria's eyes widened as eight different paws zoomed in, gripping her tightly by the shoulders, midriff, and thighs. “Whoahhhhhhh-kay!” She squirmed slightly as he was floated in a simian vice towards the portal. “Easy there, monkey's uncle!”
“Silence.” Sarumaru cracked his neck joints as he positioned himself beside her and the glowing anomaly. “And close your eyes. Those who receive the gifts of my Master are not permitted to gaze upon the gift-giving.”
“Yeah-yeah...” Aria huffed, but nevertheless shut her eyes. “I know the drill.”
The two henchmen bowed their heads. Adagio and Sonata quietly stared towards the ground and closed their eyes.
“As I have been informed by your superior,” Sarumaru said. “What you desire most is strength—more than mere utility.”
Aria kept her mouth shut. From where she dangled, she gave a fervent nod.
“Quirks—like most gifts—are well-deserved. But they are even harder to tame. With power there comes discipline, and each tool requires a different grip. If you can't grow enough limbs to carry all that's given to you, then you must learn to be more nimble with that which you've been given.”
Sarumaru gestured like a priest in mid-invocation, posing the remaining hands that floated around him towards the heavens.
“We live in an imperfect world, and nobody is born equal. But—thanks to our Master—we can provide equalizers to all who come here from other earths... with the goal to forge order out of this realm's chaos. Do you accept this challenge... as you and your sisters have accepted the trials before now?”
Once again, Aria Blaze nodded. Sweat formed along her features as she dangled. Waited. Anticipated.
“Then receive this gift—this quirk. Be thankful... but most of all be honorable. For only through honor and hard work can your gratitude be taken seriously. This way alone... will you not end up like the insipid Shinji Kazan.”
There was a loud rippling sound from the portal. Aria flinched only briefly, but soon she locked her limbs in place. The heart was sucked out of the air around her, and in its place came a cold hand—far larger and icier than any of Sarumaru's. When it came into contact with Aria's face, it was big enough to palm her entire forehead. Within seconds, she had to gasp, for a blast of frigid energy rippled through her system, followed by an incomprehensibly bright light.
“Wowwwwwwwwwwwww...” Sonata Dusk leaned forward on the heels of her boots, stars sparkling in her eyes. “Neeeeeato keeeeeano!” She spun and gestured at the half-repaired horse statue looming before the entrance to Canterlot High School under the dark blanket of night. “So you mean to tell us that the portal can actually take us somewhere besides Equestria?!?”
“Multiple 'somewheres', actually,” Adagio Dazzle stated. She leaned against the side of the trio's van from where it was parked across the street. “Regardless of the original intent behind the construction of the portal, its nexus is caught up in the criss-crossing branches of some enormously complex system: a Multi-Verse, as t'were. And it so happens that our current contact can offer us a ticket to a place far more fortuitous than this world.”
“Sounds like a load of bullshit to me,” Aria Blaze grunted into her half-burnt cigarette.
“Aria!” Sonata blanched at her. “Don't you get it?! We're powerless in this stinkin' place—but suddenly we might have a chance to start all over again!”
“Oh yeah...?” Aria plucked the cancer stick from her lips and flicked it against a nearby lamppost. “Sounds too fuckin' good to be true.” She exhaled a cloud of smoke and glared into the asphalt beneath their van. “If you ask me, this 'Sarumaru' fellow is just tugging at our strings. If we're not careful, we'll become his puppets. I mean—just think back to Equestria.” She glared at the other two. “It wouldn't be the first time we've been baited to certain doom.”
“But this isn't the same, though!” Sonata pouted. “I mean...!” She threw puppy dogs at Adagio. “Whatshername made a contract with Sarumaru before us, right?! Can't she vouch for this dude?”
“To be frank, I don't blame Aria for being so skeptical,” Adagio droned.
Sonata bit her lip. “You d-don't?”
“It's no coincidence that this creature has approached us—and a few other individuals whom the bleeding hearts of this world might label as... as...” Adagio blew out the side of her mouth, arms folded. “...'Unsavory.'”
“It just means he's got good taste~!” Sonata beamed.
“What's with you and riding the dicks of strangers?” Aria groaned.
Sonata barked: “It's worth it if it means we get our powers back!”
“No. No.” Adagio wagged a finger. “He's promising 'quirks'—not powers.”
“Meh...” Sonata shrugged with a blank expression. “So what's the big difference?”
“It's not our powers, dipshit.” Aria clenched her teeth. “It's just random bullcrap.”
This time, Dagi wagged her finger at Aria. “Don't downplay what he's offering either. Legitimate or not—it's what his entire world revolves around. I doubt he's blowing hot air when he says his Master is able and willing to grant us multiple of these all-important quirks.”
Aria's brow furrowed. “If he works for someone who can dish out all of these powers—”
“'Quirks.'”
“Whatever.” Aria planted her hands against her hips and scowled. “What use would he have for a bunch of extra-dimensional chumps like us? Doesn't he have enough power on his lonesome?”
“Maybe they have too many of these 'quirk-thingies' to handle in so few numbers?” Sonata scratched her head hard, squeezing the words out. “Mmmmmm—and... like... they gotta form an army made of soldiers with untraceable paths!”
“Still seems too good to be true...” Aria muttered. She looked at Adagio. “You realize there's gotta be a catch, right? If he gives us all that we want—there must be something he wants even more.”
“I'm quite aware of that. But...” Adagio stared straight back at Aria as she gestured. “...if they're going this far out of their own dimension to hire subordinates, then wouldn't that suggest a great weakness?”
Aria winced. “You're already planning for us to exploit these fuck nuggets?”
“We don't have to exploit anyone.” Adagio smirked. “There's more than one way to win power... true power.”
“Yeah—but if they're grabbing people from other dimensions... like us...” Sonata scratched her head again. “Doesn't mean that we're crazy exponential?”
“'Expendable,'” Adagio corrected.
“...isn't that what I said?”
Sighing, Adagio turned back towards Aria. “Yes... everything about this is risky. A trap? Most definitely.”
“So why are you so fukkin' gung-ho about it?” Aria's eyes narrowed. “Why are you itching for us to be so gung-ho about it?”
“Because... so far this Lord Sarumaru has us greatly underestimated,” Adagio explained. “To him—we're just three teenaged girls with an attitude, hopelessly starving for the magic that's been drained from us.”
“You really think he has no clue how old we are?” Aria blinked. “That we've been up and down this damned road before?”
“It wouldn't be our first rodeo...!” Sonata Dusk exclaimed. “We may no longer have our voices—but we're still pretty charming and sexy.” A beat. She smirked drunkenly and rested a hand over her chest. “I'm pretty charming and sexy~~”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Aria looked from her to Adagio again. “So—what? We hop over to his neighborhood, take his gifts, and then...?” She shrugged. “Just what kind of dirty work will be doing?”
“As if anything would phase us anymore, Aria,” Adagio droned. “You, especially—”
“Let me be the judge of that shit.” Aria Blaze folded her arms in a huff. “What's wrong with what we've got going on here? In this place?”
“'In this place'?!?” Sonata balked, waving her hands dramatically. “You mean you like living in a stinkin' van? Driving from trash-heap-town to burning-dumpster-neighborhood, performing for uneducated yokels with an awful voice modulator and going to bed each night wishing we could really put people under our spell like we used to???”
Aria opened her mouth—but for once she didn't have a rebuttal to Sonata's statement. She hung her head with a frustrated frown.
Adagio's eyes darted between her two sisters. “It's been over a year, girls,” she stated. “Our powers didn't just go away. They vanished. Perhaps those 'Rainboom' cretins from the school stole them. Perhaps they got absorbed into the portal to Equestria—or one of the many branching wells beyond the mirror. All we know is that they're gone and nothing that we're doing or plan on doing is making any progress in retrieving them.”
“So now the 'new plan' is to follow a freakish stranger through a detour in the world-hopper and bargain for a whole bunch of new abilities...?” Aria's teeth showed. “None of which are actually ours??”
“I don't know about you...” Adagio's jaw clenched. “...but I'm tired of floundering around in the shadow of what once made us great. I feel lazy, discombobulated, and worn-out...” She gestured once again towards the portal. “I can't be the only one here who wants to be at work again—hmmm? Seeing some action? Earning something every day to be proud of?” She waved at both Sonata and Aria as a whole. “Wouldn't it be great to feed once again? On something we deserve?”
“... … …” Aria Blaze blew heavily out her nostrils, gazing across the street at the campus and its statue.
Sonata swallowed a lump down her throat. “Look... maybe I can speak for the three of us when I say... I'm friggin' bored.” Her fists clenched. “This place—whether it's real or not—sounds like a real blast.”
“According to this Sarumaru guy, it's just Japan,” Aria droned.
“More like Space Japan!!!” Sonata's voice briefly echoed across the city block. She beamed wide, gesturing. “Criminal organizations? Advanced technology?? Droves of people with powers???”
“Quirks,” Adagio repeated.
Sonata ignored her: “And most importantly!” Her eyes sparkled. “Sushi! Like... hot diggedy demoness! It'll be just like the old days!”
“Do not compare this to the seas of Equestria—” Aria began.
“All the fish meat we could sink our teeth into!!!”
“Eungh...” Aria face-palmed.
Sonata took a breath, her enthusiasm draining slightly and giving way to a sincere expression—which she softly aimed at Adagio. “I really... really don't care if it really is a 'trap.' Anything's gotta be better...” She stared woefully down towards the ground and kicked at the curb with a lazy boot. “Anything has to be better than this.”
“I agree with you, Sonata.” Adagio looked over at Aria. “Do we really want to continue where we are? The way we've been?” Her eyes were slightly misty as she added: “Even back when we could sing, there was something that motivated us... enthralled us. We lost far more back at the Battle of the Bands. I think it's time we won it back.”
“Yes, but... do you think...?” Aria looked up, shuddering slightly. “...do you think—after all these quirks we force ourselves to juggle for those fuckers—we might actually be gifted back what we've lost?”
Dagi placed opposite hands on Aria's and Sonata's shoulders. “Where do you think I have my eyes set on?” She smiled wickedly. “There's a big picture here, girls. When all is said and done... and after these poor fools beyond the portal have come to depend on us... then will we make our move...”
“Move towards what??” Sonata blinked.
Adagio Dazzle's teeth showed through an icy grin. “To seize even more power... and become the strongest entities in the place Sarumaru calls home. No matter how long it takes.” She leaned back. “Now... what do you think about that...?”
Aria huffed through a frown... a frown that slowly melted as she gazed forlornly at the portal across the street... resting beneath a missing, obliterated horse statue...
One rose-tinted eye opened. Then another. Aria Blaze blinked rapidly, then squinted skyward.
Sonata Dusk's face loomed overhead, blotting out an overcast sky that hung over the abandoned island.
“Wakey-wakey, sexy-betchy~~”
Aria Blaze lay on her back. Her brow furrowed in foggy contemplation.
Sonata smiled. “How ya feeling, sleepy-head?”
“... … …” Aria's muscles tightened. With a blur of her arm, she raised a hand up and gripped Sonata's mouth tightly.
“Derp?” Sonata squeaked into her sister's muffling grip.
Aria squeezed and unsqueezed her fingers. Nothing of note happened. Aria's lips parted: “Your face hasn't imploded like a pulpy melon...”
“Mrmmfff...” Sonata squirmed from where she squatted awkwardly in Aria's grip. “...n-no?”
Aria sneered: “Then where the fuck is my 'Super Strength Quirk?'”
“Jee...” Sonata frowned into Aria's palm. “...glad my skull means so much to you—EEP!” She fell aside...
...for Aria had just shoved her before sitting up. “Where is that apetitted bastard—HEY!” She barked at the first sight of Sarumaru, who was standing beside his henchmen, in close conversation with Adagio Dazzle. “Yo! Monkey cuck!! I thought you granted me with the ability to—” In attempting to step up, Aria discovered her body was still tingling with residual numbness, and she fell flat on her permanent-resting-bitch-face. “Mrmmmf!!! Fuck me!!!”
“Aria, I know you're mad...” Sonata scrambled to sit her upright. “...but please don't cuss at the all-powerful-quirk-dispensing-monkey boss—!”
“You gorilla-dick'd banana-huffing ass mongrel!!!” Aria Blaze kicked and hissed in Sonata's grip, falling over once again. “Is this your idea of a fucking joke?! Didn't we do your lame-ass job at the risk of our fucking necks or what?!?”
The two henchmen glared at Aria with exasperation. They didn't even bother reaching for their weapons.
Sarumaru sighed. One of his many floating paws rubbed his aching temple as he kept his focus on Adagio. “Surely, by now, she will catch onto why I've gifted her last these past visits...?”
“It'll come to her eventually, I'm sure.” Adagio fought the urge to groan herself as she half-curtsied. “So sorry for the fuss she's making. Your good patience is appreciated.”
“I only endure her prattle because I know you must be enduring it at all times.” The faintest hint of a smirk crossed his simian features. “And seeing how well you've served us—all three in equal capacity—I think it's a small price to pay—”
“—'for an orderly universe that was born from pure chaos.'” Adagio folded her arms and tilted her chin up, sporting a proud smile. “Is it too forward of me to declare that your Master is far closer to that goal after having recruited us?”
“... … ...” Sarumaru stood still as his orbiting monkey-hands straightened his vest and jacket. “It is ever and always an uphill battle. And you are far from our only loyal servants, Madam Dazzle.”
“I would hope, at least...” Adagio gestured delicately. “....we provide a certain degree of exceptionalism.”
“You're dependable,” Sarumaru admitted, two of his paws pointing. “That is why we're still having this conversation.”
“And before it ends...” Adagio paced slowly across the decrepit island alongside Sarumaru and his henchmen. Aria's outbursts dwindled in the distance. “...could we be fortunate enough to know our next assignment?”
“Do you truly have to be so precocious with each word you say...?” Sarumaru muttered, using errant hands to push back tall grass and weeds stretching up from the sides of the broken concrete roads. “So daring and assertive?”
“Ambition comes with its wayward colors.”
“And again you forget that I'm color blind.” The simian fellow spun towards her, dress shoes scuffling on the hard earth. “I will say this one last time, Madame Dazzle, and a servant of your growing reputation will do well to remember it.” His eyes narrowed icily. “My Master has a certain way of doing things... a method that does not bend—despite whatever hot air you may or may not toss at it.”
Aria's eyelashes fluttered. “What if I just blow harder?”
Sarumaru rested two floating hands into his vest's pockets. “Disseminating tasks—as well as executing them—requires the utilization of our entire network. My Master likes to keep things subtle and homogenized.”
“Splendid~!” Adagio waved her arms with a proud grin. “So where can we begin?”
“You can begin...” Sarumaru pointed with two fingers that flanked her face. “...with learning some degree of subtlety. My Master appreciates a job that's efficiently done—but there's a lot that can be said about stealth.”
“You don't think he'd be pleased with the fools we made out of the Police Force in Tokyo...?”
“Oh, undoubtedly. But if all organizations like ours wanted to do was give the majority of civilization a black eye, we'd all be retired generations ago. No—Madame Dazzle—our goal is far loftier. At the end of the day, we owe as much to this world as we take from it... just like you and your sisters owe to my master.” Sarumaru nodded behind Adagio. “Look around. What do you see?”
“Mmmmm...” Adagio turned around, squinting at Sonata struggling to restrain an still-pissed Aria. “My sisters... wrestling to the death...”
“Beyond them, fair outworlder.”
Adagio let out a long sigh, eventually muttering: “Ikeshima Island. Apartments, coal refineries, restaurants and shops—all completely abandoned.”
“Not entirely,” Sarumaru declared. “A few waifs still cling to the decrepit hovels of this long-forsaken sanctuary. I bet you did not know that when Ms. Dusk designated this a convenient hideout with her quirk.”
Adagio squirmed slightly. “The thought did occur to me that we were never quite alone...”
“I don't care too much for this part of the country,” Sarumaru said. “And can I be blamed? Just who are these mad people who have chosen to live on a dried-up old rock? Introverts? Lone hermits? Maybe back in the universe you're from, the people living here would be well-intentioned individuals seeking peace, solitude, even enlightenment. But here?”
A few of his many floating hands stroked at sun-faded graffiti against the concrete, denoting forgotten symbols of Destro, Stain, and the League of Villains.
“Here we have a drain... an escape for the filth and squalor that the rest of this nation constantly pushes away. Shamed for their perception of morality, or for the ghastly nature of their quirks, people like you and me are segregated to the fringes of the so-called paradise that civilization fetishizes. Straightlaced citizens think what what they have is order in a sea of uncertainty—but they've only made islands of a newfound chaos in their worshipped cities. Those metropolises becomes new seas unto their own, demarcated by tempests of fear and disillusionment—and the fresh islands that form are only smaller, deadlier, more potent in their toxicity.”
Adagio watched as their contact turned to face her, slowly pacing with somber poise.
“There is an imbalance, Madame Dazzle. Society has put 'goodness' upon an impossibly high pedestal and have tasked 'superheroes' with polishing such a lofty trophy—daily, zealously, religiously and without fail... without sparing consideration for how they're only making an infinitesimal hell that will implode in on itself forever and ever until all that's free and honorable is drowned out of everyone and everything.”
Several of his fingers pointed at Adagio from all angles.
“That” is the greatest crime of this era... to fashion a new chaos—an artificial and self-perpetuating tumor—after all the lengths mankind has gone to evolve beyond the sheeplike sway of misery that once defined us. All of us. Hell, it's a vomitous thing to go so backwards... like crawling once more into the sea and praying for the gills that we no longer deserve.”
Sarumaru shook his head.
“We are not really criminals, Madame Dazzle. We are liberators. And like all good soldiers, we must exercise a certain degree of restraint. That's what differentiates my Master's growing army from the bloodthirsty psycopaths out there... the ones that—I'm not ashamed to admit—you and your sisters unfortunately resembled while fulfilling your latest contract.”
Adagio Dazzle bit her lip.
“That being said, you three are nevertheless exemplary paragons of evolution...” One by one, Sarumaru's floating paws retracted into their proper resting places under his wide silk cloak. “That's why my Master is willing to overlook some the mistakes that you made while bringing in Shinji Kazan.” With the last paw retrieved, he shrugged his arm-less shoulders and stood neatly within the cocoon of his cape, looking proper regal. “And it's why—to maintain his favor—you will endeavor to accomplish your future missions with greater delicacy.”
With a slight clearing of her throat, Dagi bowed. “Yes... Lord Sarumaru.”
His eyes hardened like kunai blades. “And you will retrieve your next assignment through our field contact—like all the missions previous.”
“Yes, Lord Sarumaru.”
“Very well...” Sarumaru tilted his hairy chin back with a satisfied expression. “I do believe our current business has culminated. Return to your places of hiding. Stay low. Enjoy life. Then—when the time has arrived—you will be called upon to improve it... for us all.” He turned with a twirl of his cape, joining his henchmen in a swift march towards the portal. “It is forever and always an uphill climb.”
“And what if one day we scale the last one in your Master's name?” Adagio asked.
“My good Madame...” Sarumaru's head tilted back towards her as he and his accomplices vanished through the bright anomaly. “Should such a glorious day come, we will start building new summits...!”
FLASH!
Adagio stood in the windblown dust of the contact's absence. A necklace dangled to a stop beneath her neck. She looked down to observe the monkey paw totem—its metal was dull, dark, and inert. As if it could use some polish.
“Well...???” Aria's growling voice floated in the desolate wind towards her. “Did Cuck Kong tell you just what the Hell is up with my quirk?”
Dagi exhaled sharply. She clinched a fist around her totem. “Same as always, Aria.” She swiveled around and marched back towards her two sisters. “We'll have to figure how it works as we carry along.”
“Plblbllbbb...” Aria blew out the side of her mouth, folding her arms in a huff where she sat. “Shitty deal is shitty.”
“Grow some nipples on your bosom~” Adagio stabbed, shuffling to a stop before the other two. “Lord Sarumaru hasn't turned us down with his gifted superpowers yet. Either your newfound meta-strength hasn't kicked in yet or there's some... quirk to the quirk. Just be patient.”
“Heh...” Aria arched an eyebrow. “Suddenly you're so respectable of the foppish lemur.”
“He was talking an awful lot to you just now,” Sonata Dusk remarked, squinting. “Just what was he going on about?”
“Oh... Sarumaru?” Adagio's eyes scanned the desolate buildings scaling above them. “He was just... … ...” Her words trailed off.
The shadow of a random human vanished from where they had previously been peering through a third story apartment window above. In other windows, clothes were hanging to dry. There was even a potted plant or two. Specks of life against so much decay. Remote, forgotten, forsaken.
“Dagi...?” Sonata blinked. “Pussy got your tongue?”
“What's going on in that fuzzy head of yours?” Aria murmured in a sober tone.
Adagio's chest let loose a melancholic breath. “We're all living in the drains...”
“Huh?”
Dagi cleared her throat. “Forget it. Y'know shady people like Sarumaru.” Adagio let her totem dangle freely as she smirked down at the other two. “They like to monologue a goddess-forsaken storm.”
Sonata smiled. “With a cape and vest that fabulous, it'd be a shame not to.”
“We used to do villainous monologues, y'know,” Aria said in a dry tone. When she received a curious look from Adagio, Aria re-emphasized: “Well... you did.”
“Mmmmm... quite...” Adagio brushed a hand behind her head, feeling her bangs having grown even longer. “Used to sing them too.”
“We all know how that ended up,” Sonata muttered, hanging her head. Aria soon followed suit.
Adagio's teeth tightened. She clenched her fists as she leaned over her sisters. “Well, let's work hard so that—one day—we will be villainous and powerful enough to do long and windy monologues again!”
Sonata beamed. “Hoorayyyy!” She hopped up and pumped a fist multiple times into the air. “I wanna do my monologue on top of a burning helicopter!”
“I want to do mine naked and in a retirement home,” Aria said, smirking. “With a megaphone so I'll be heard above all the screams.”
“Yes... well...” Adagio pointed. “One delicious travesty at a time.”
“Uh oh...” Sonata winced as her stomach let out an audible growl. “Speaking of travesties...” She rubbed her belly. “If I don't fill myself up, I might imploded into an unsexy black hole.”
“Gawd...” Aria scoffed at her. “You really are like a vacuum ever since you got your Quirk Number One!”
Sonata stomped her foot, pouting. “Well—it's different when I'm eating for me and not for a mission!”
“Fret not, ladies.” Adagio gestured. “I do believe a night on the town is in order.”
“You mean we're not signing online and dropping onto Rocky Reels?” Sonata stated.
“Friggin' Fortnite won't fill your gullet, ya dumb cunt,” Aria belched.
“Well, just what are we gonna tip any cook with?!?” Sonata barked. “We worked all day only to be paid with monkey molestation!”
“Uh uh uh...” Adagio reached deep into her lycra suit and whipped out a netted mini-bag full of diamonds and jewels. “Somebody might have held onto just a smidge.”
“Hah!” Aria smirked crookedly. “No shit!”
“Just a quick trip to black market...” Dagi gestured vaguely northeast. “Then downtown for food and drinks.” A wink. “Consider it my treat, ladies.”
“Woooooooooo!!” Sonata cheered again.
“Heh...” Aria stood up, cracking her joints. “I'm all on board the 'drinks' part.”
“Sushi sushi sushi!” Sonata danced.
“Heheh...” Adagio motioned towards the nearest apartment entrance. “Come, Sonata. Form a portal. I'm thinking... Shinjuku?”
Somewhere, deep in the urban sprawl of Downtown Tokyo, inside a towering building that stood as the Japanese Police Force Headquarters...
...there was a nondescript room with plain furnishing, long couches, and cleanly-kept counter tops. It was a break room like so many others situated on every block of every city in Japan. It was something Detective Naomasa Tsukauchi had become well-accustomed to seeing, and if he squinted his eyes tight enough the various different rooms would all blur together and become the same nebulous domain, re-experienced ad nauseam over and over again throughout the extent of his career.
Being as he was quite used to this, Naomasa easily engaged in his second greatest talent besides detective work: serving tea to exhausted companions.
In this particular case, the guests in question turned out to be Mt Lady, Kamui Woods, and Death Arms—all three of whom were sprawled out on the couches with multiple scrapes and bruises, looking as if they had just limped home from barely surviving a triceratops stampede.
“Eugh...” Mt Lady took Naomasa's cup of coffee while melodramatically groaning and rubbing her head with a free hand. “Is my head still spinning? Or do I hear hundreds of people squawking in the streets down below?”
“There is quite the media presence outside the front gates to the Police Force headquarters,” Naomasa calmly said. He had long-discarded his trenchcoat and stood in a simple vest and slacks as he handed cups of coffee to the other two disheveled pro-heroes. “It's to be expected—what, with all the chaos that unfolded through several city blocks of Shibuya. No doubt the tv vans will be here until sundown... perhaps beyond.”
“Damned sharks...” Death Arms grumbled, doing his awkward best to daintily hold his cup of tea with enormous hands. “They smell blood in the water and now they're all in a frenzy...”
“Let them feast,” Kamui Woods—easily the most exhausted of the trio—fought the urge to outright faint in that room. “After my dishonorably pathetic performance today, they deserve to eat as much as they can sink their rabid teeth into.”
“Shinji, don't say that,” Mt. Lady mewled, throwing him a sympathetic look. “You were on vacation when you bravely answered the call of duty~”
“Some of us were even retired,” Death Arms muttered, sipping more tea.
Mt. Lady ignored him. “Surely, the reporters will understand that you meant to stop a violent villain's rampage. And the rest of us...” She sighed sadly into her own cup. “...we did our best to follow suit.”
“None of you failed to the extent that I did,” Kamui said, refusing a sip for the time being. He gazed a thousand miles straight ahead, gripping his knees with angry fingers. “I was completely at the mercy of those vixens' quirk. My mind and body were seized by... b-by abject witchcraft! With my strength and quirk completely compromised, I was as much a danger to the public as those robbers were!”
“Actually, from the looks of it, you barely maintained control of your quirk during the duration of your 'episode,'” Naomasa declared. “If those three women had desired for you to add further mayhem to their rampage, they were quite bad at the execution. And—while on the topic—I do not believe they were actual robbers in the traditional sense.”
Death Arms sniffed the tea before giving the Detective a curious glance. “You puttin' something funny in this brew, Tsukauchi?”
“You're not actually taking the sides of those criminals, are you?!?” Mt. Lady grimaced. “We're miserable enough in our defeat as it is—without you having to twist the knife and all!”
“My apologies, friends.” Detective Tsukauchi waved his hand and offered a calm smile. “Please—my very job is to contemplate, speculate, and determine. I simply mean that there appears to be more to the criminals' action than a mere jewelry heist, and everyone they confronted was just a means to their mysterious ends. I meant no disrespect to the sacrifices you've made today. In fact, I was the one who interrupted your time off and requested an intervention.” He gave a slight bow. “Which you did so—quite honorably, I might add.”
“Oh yeah...?” Death Arms huffed. “Did you determined just how damned powerful those three harpies were going to be when we were summoned?”
“I knew that they needed to be confronted by pro heroes,” Tsukauchi declared. His expression went serious briefly as he recalled: “Captain Kondo had them underestimated at every turn, and nothing about the daylight robbery made sense from the start. They went above and beyond to hide their multiple quirks, and every action they committed was simply an attempt at baiting both you and the Police Force—up until their very last act that preceded their disappearance.”
“Whatever the case, that was easily the most humiliating defeat I've suffered in the line of duty,” Kamui Woods muttered, rubbing his head. “Not since my first week of internship during my academy days have I been made such a fool of...”
“If they had truly intended to capitalize on the power their quirks had, I don't think the four of us would be having this conversation right now,” Tsukauchi stated. “In no way am I attempting to excuse what they did earlier in Shubaya, but it's clear that every bit of resistance they met meant very little to them.”
“Just how is it that they have multiple quirks?!?” Mt Lady exclaimed. “I thought only Nomu were capable of that!”
“This shit seems bigger than a mere robbery, alright,” Death Arms grumbled, staring intently at Tsukauchi. “Could they be working for the League of Villains? Something bigger?”
“I've thought that myself,” Naomasa said with a nod. “But it doesn't check out.” He rubbed his chin in thought as he paced through the room slightly. “The League is usually far more lethal... with even greater disregard for life. Today's villains—for all of their flashiness—did not inflict a single fatality.”
“Isn't that just a spectacular coincidence?” Mt Lady remarked. “Not that I'm complaining, of course...”
“Normally, I would think so—and I would express pure gratitude at the supposed miracle.” Naomasa stopped and pivoted to face the three. “Except that there's a pattern here that I recognized from the start—even before Captain Kondo and the majority of his forces were neutralized.”
“So you have met these three before,” Death Arms stated.
Naomasa shook his head. “Met them—no. But while working on my own cases as of late, I've... reviewed multiple reported instances potentially related to these three. Consider it a hobby—to look up on cases—both cold and otherwise—in between the personal research I am always doing on a regular basis.”
“Wow...” Mt Lady shook her head with a faded smirk. “...to not be able to switch off like that...”
“What did you discover, Detective?” Kamui asked. “If anything?”
“Not a great deal, unfortunately,” Naomasa said with a sigh. “Except that what happened today matches up with random, isolated reports of three young female suspects wearing dark body suits that obscured their features... who proceeded to cause a great deal of chaos before vanishing without a trace. After a certain degree of vandalism and collateral damaged had been incurred, the encounters ended without severe injury... however...”
“What?” Kamui asked.
Naomasa's eyes narrowed. “Each event curiously coincided with a missing person's case.”
“So, abduction, then?” Mt Lady asked. “Just like today?”
“If these mysterious cretins have been abducting people with random acts of violence...” Death Arms blinked across the room as he thought aloud: “Then how come this isn't a bigger case than it already is? Hell—why isn't it the biggest case in all of Japan?”
“Probably because most of the missing persons were ascertained long after the fact,” Naomasa said. “Very few people took notice immediately.”
“You mean these three are kidnapping mere nobodies?” Kamui Woods asked. “Couldn't criminals like this do such heinous things under the veil of secrecy?”
“For whatever reason, these suspects choose to do so in open public—for the most part,” Naomasa declared. “Maybe it's a means of drawing their targets out...?”
Kamui Woods tilted his head aside. “Just who was abducted under our watch today? I'm ashamed to say I was too encumbered by their mind-control quirk to notice.”
“Shinji Kazan, woof...” said a deep voice at the entrance of the breakroom.
Naomasa Tsukauchi turned and immediately gave a polite bow. Mt Lady and Death Arms stood up at attention while Kamui Woods struggled—wincing—to bring his bruised body upright. “Mrmmff... d-dammit...”
“Please...” Kenji Tsuragamae held his hand out. “As you were.”
The Chief of the Police Force was a tall man dressed in a black vested suit. Aside from his human features, the one truly quirky thing that stood about him was his head—which resembled the cross of a basset hound and a beagle. Despite the canine distinction, he carried himself with calm, serious poise as he stepped into the center of the room and addressed the group.
“Following Detective Tsukauchi's lead, I immediately led an investigation into the people present at the last known sighting of today's three criminals,” Kenju Tsuragamae said. “The last known position of the three women was on the north end of Shibuya Crossing, where they forced a quirk-bearer into a portal of sort... after which the four swiftly disappeared. Cameras identified the abducted individual as Shinji Kazan. There's a singular record for the individual. After the incident in downtown Shibuya, I sent special forces to his last known home address to investigate, woof. The wild chaos that took place in the streets of Tokyo today will not so easily be forgotten, and it's important that the Police Force extract some sort of information from the incident in order to prove to the public that we can stand the black eyes we've suffered, woof.”
“Chief Tsuragamae,” Kamui Woods spoke in a somber tone. “We have let you down. I let you down. For that, I am immeasurably sorry.”
“From what Detective Tsukauchi here has explained to me, you were irreversibly affected by a mind-altering quirk—but you were far from alone. Everyone named 'Shinji' within earshot of the suspects was likewise affected.” Tsuragamae folded his arms. “It would appear that this was a precisely-targeted assault, and the three individuals made off with their target: the elusive Shinji Kazan, woof.”
Naomasa spoke up. “It would appear—from both camera footage and eye witness account—that Mr. Kazan was also manifesting multiple quirks.”
“Yeah...” Death Arms nodded. “That bastard had a torso like a shell and he was splashing around while setting stuff on fire.”
“Hardened skin. Lava elementalism and water elementalism.” Tsuragamae nodded. “While multiple quirks do manifest among the human gene pool, that many instilled in one person is statistically improbable.”
“Even more improbable for four people—much less one—to be wielding multiple quirks on the same city street,” Mt Lady remarked.
“Quite so, woof.”
Mt Lady asked: “What was found at the home of this 'Shinji Kazan'?”
“Enough evidence to suggest that he may very well have been responsible for the arson that led to the fires in Yokohama today,” Tsuragamae declared. “Among other incidents, woof. Mr. Kazan essentially lived in a hole in the wall in Edogawa, socializing with no one and building for himself a little workshop of horrors in his apartment. Already, my men are parsing through collected evidence, and we've already discovered connections that Mr. Kazan had made with multiple criminal organizations—many of which we've been following on separate investigations.”
“What a creep,” Mt Lady remarked. “Almost seems like a favor was done in getting rid of this guy.”
“I would rather us not adopt that attitude, Ms. Takeyama, especially about today's suspects who brought Shibuya down to its knees, woof.”
Mt Lady winced. “I am sorry, sir.”
“You three risked your lives to assist the citizens of Tokyo—and that selflessness deserves respect,” Tsuragamae stated. “You must not fear any needless marks on your records. If there's anyone taking a fall for this, it's clearly Captain Kondo. Tsukauchi was right in assessing that today's incident required heroic intervention far earlier. Kondo's failure to request help sooner—as far as I'm concerned—directly led to the eventual abduction of Shinji Kazan. But, for the time being, it's far too early to tell if this is in any way a good thing, woof.”
The Police Force Chief turned to face Naomasa directly.
“Detective Tsukauchi. You are currently working with Gran Torino on the investigation for All-Might. Is that correct?”
“It is, sir.” Naomasa said with another bow. “I just happened to be here in Tokyo when the incident took place.”
“Let it be known that I appreciate you putting in the call to assist in matters, woof. The public will be wanting to know that justice is being dispensed with, and—for the time-being—we haven't a whole lot to give them.”
“If you're asking me to find time to investigate the three suspects today, I would gladly say yes...” Naomasa smiled helplessly. “But unfortunately I'm stretched thin enough as it is, and I really can't see myself abandoning this investigation I'm performing for All-Might.”
“And yet, it is my understanding that you have keen intuition regarding previous incidents involving these three. Is that correct?”
“For the most part, yes, sir. It is.”
“Then I simply task you with this.” Tsuragamae gestured. “Your skills are admirable, Detective—but your connections are just as enviable. It would do the Police Force a great service if you can find someone you trust who's capable of working on this case. If a person was able to track down those responsible for abducting Shinji Kazan—and the connections that Kazan and other missing persons have with their operations—then it will give the Tokyo defenders of justice something to lean on, woof. The people of this great city deserve an explanation, and I for one would be greatly put at ease to know what we are dealing with.”
“It would be my honor, sir,” Naomasa said. “Already, I know my first choice of where to go.”
“Where's that?” Death Arms asked.
Naomasa looked over. “Juzo Moashi. Ever since the passing of the late Mirai Sasaki, Sir Nighteye's Hero Office has been conducting several independent investigations, utilizing the greatest detective heroes Japan has to offer. Surely, their skills and resources will be more than enough to tackle this particular incident.”
“If you think so highly of them, then they have every bit of my confidence as well, woof.”
“In the meantime, should we be doing anything about these three?” Mt. Lady asked.
“Yes...” Kamui Woods finally found the strength to stand up, despite his aching limbs. “Just say the word, Chief, and we will patrol the streets of Tokyo for signs of these violent miscreants...”
“I would highly advise against that,” Chief Tsuragamae said with the wave of a hand. “We've already witnessed what these three are capable of doing to a large group of people, woof.” His canine eyes narrowed with icy seriousness. “Until we know more about them, we can only assume that these three women are nothing short of the most formidable demons to prowl the streets of Tokyo. Just who is to know what devious plan they may be up to now... what horrible conspiracy they could be concocting exactly as we speak... … …?”
“~A hurricane of jacarandaaaaaaas~” Sonata Dusk sang, gripping a microphone in two hands and bending over dramatically with each exhaled lyric. “~Strangling figggggggs. Hanging viiiiiiiines~”
A widescreen television shimmered brightly, silhouetting Sonata's lithe figure and flouncing ponytail at the end of a small room. Two hermanas from Disney's Encanto danced vibrantly among splashes of colorful flowers on the monitor. In the meantime, lines of text—both English and Kanji—rippled across the screen, splashing from white to gold in time with the cinematic singing. Sonata did her enthusiastic best to keep in tune:
“~Palma de cera fills the air as I climb and I push on throughhhhhh~” Sonata spun and gestured towards two other young women seated at a table booth in the room with her. “~What else can I dooooooo?~” She twirled back, faced the karaoke machine, and pumped a fist while caterwauling to the ceiling. “~Can I deliver us a river of sundewwwwww?~”
“That's it.” Adagio, her orange hair now reaching down past her shoulders, raised a half-full glass of alcohol and smirked. “...sing it like you mean it, girl.” She raised the drink to her lips when she heard an off-cadence grunt beside her.
“Mrmmff...” Aria Blaze sat slumped against the tabletop, her twin ponytails draped beside her like heavy chains. “Someone slap her. She's stuck.”
Dagi lowered the drink and squinted at her less-rosy sibling. “Keep that up, and we can use you for an anchor next time we have a mission in the Sea of Japan.”
“Meh...” Aria's eyes reflected a half-empty glass lying before her smooshed-cheeks against the table top. “They need far sadder songs on the playlist for these places.”
“Not... exactly the locals' style,” Adagio remarked. “Besides—why so sad-sacking?” She finally sipped her drink and exhaled. “Figured—out of all of us—you'd be the cheeriest. What—with you having gotten a new quirk and all.”
“Pffft. Some new quirk.” Without looking, Aria punched the bottom lid of the table. The resulting thud was barely enough to throw Sonata Dusk out of “perfectly” mouthing Lin-Manuel Miranda's songwriting, much less rattle the glassware assembled before them. “...did the table flip?”
“Erm...” Adagio squirmed in her seat. “...no?”
“See what I mean?” Aria swirled the drink and sighed melodically—a sound remarkably sad, even for her. “Mount Blankeriino. That monkey ripped us off.”
“Aria...”
“Ripped me off...”
“All quirks take time to master,” Adagio stated with a hopeful smile. “Remember my Number Two?” She reached a hand up to fluff her swiftly-grown hair. “At first, I thought I could just become a tomboy with the flick of a wrist. Turns out it was all about what was in the wrist. Then I discovered how my requested force blast beams manifested—”
“I asked for super strength...” Aria gnashed her teeth. “What's to 'master' about that?!? It's been hours since we portal-hopped from Ikeshima to Shinjuku—and the quirk's had all that time to manifest!” She took a heavy swig of the glass, fought the alcohol all the way down, and growl-belched in misery. “I should be pissing jagged holes in squat-toilets by now. Hell... urp... in about an hour or two, I'll be doing that anyway... quirk or not quirk.”
“You have to learn the trick to it, Aria.”
“You mean the 'gimmick'.”
“It's always a gimmick.” Aria rolled her eyes, ultimately smirking. “Quirks function like muscles—for all the give there's also a take.”
“You'd think they'd come with a warning or some shit,” Aria grunted.
“Well, most people in this world were born with 'em.” Dagi sipped the last of her cup. “But us?” She exhaled through clenched teeth as she examined her glass. “We and Lord Sarumaru's other agents in the field? We gotta adapt the hard way.”
“What a bullshit arrangement,” Aria growled. “Goddess on a sybian...”
“I'm pretty sure we're the only human beings on this entire planet who inherit quirks~” Adagio said. “And we're ungodly powerful for it, too. You were there earlier, Ari~” She gestured vaguely out the door to the karaoke booth with a smirk. “Out in Shibuya—we practically owned Tokyo for a good half-an-hour! The Police Force... Shinji Kazan... three pro heroes all at once...!!” She shook her mid-length head of hair. “None of them could stop us! Now... that's just with having five quirks between the three of us! Imagine how unstoppable we'll be once you figure out how to work your Number Two as well!”
“I'm telling you...” Aria glared daggers up at her eldest sibling. “That freaky dimension-hopping lemur pulled a fast one on us.”
“Wouldn't that disrupt the pattern of things?” Adagio squinted back. “He's not let us down before... and we've performed honorably for him.” She reached towards the center of the table and poured another glass from their shared bottle. “If things were different, we'd be sharing Shinji Kazan's fate right about now.”
“Yeah—but what if that's the fate of everyone who works with the dude?”
“Pffft...” Adagio smirked as she swirled a fresh glass of alcohol. “You'd think I'd trap us three in a hole that obvious?”
“The dude's gifted us with fucking monkey paws for Christ's sake!!!” Aria gripped the totem in question with a heavy fist. “That we wear like nooses around our fucking necks!”
“Careful, Ari...” Adagio waved a finger. “Now would be a bad time for your quirk to manifest.”
“Believe-you-me.” Aria's nostrils flared. “I'd kill to shatter the damned thing.”
Adagio leaned back and crossed her legs while swirling her glass. “Maybe...” She sighed. “...filling you up with sake and bourbon was a bad idea.”
“Yeah, well...” Ari slumped against the tabletop once more, glaring at the monitor in front of which Sonata was dancing. “...maybe coming to this stinkin' universe was a bad idea.”
“~I wanna feel the shiver of something newwwwwww~” Sonata Dusk danced and swayed her free hand like a sailor senshi. “~I'm so sick of pretty, I want something trueeee. Don't youuuuuu~”
“Hmmmfff...” Adagio couldn't help but bear a half-drunk smile as she gazed at Sonata. “Isn't it fantastic, though?”
“What?” Ari droned. “The stink?”
“Her... singing...” Adagio waved a lazy hand across the karaoke booth. “Any of us singing—for that matter. We're actually not half-bad, y'know. Since we've arrived from that previous dimension that imprisoned us.”
“Meh.” Aria stifled a yawn. “I haven't noticed.”
“Don't lie.”
“I'm not being dishonest. I just don't give a shit.”
Adagio squinted at her. “You don't think it's remarkable that—in crossing the threshhold from one parallel universe to another—we've lost the dissonance and cacophony that's plagued our vocal chords ever since that disastrous battle of the bands?”
“Yeah, well, we still can't control anyone with our voices,” Aria said. A beat—and her eyes rolled. “I mean, you can, but—”
“It's not the same,” Dagi grunted.
“Fuck no, it ain't.” Aria managed the slightest hint of a smirk, and a venomous one at that. “I always thought it was pretty damn cheeky that your first choice for a superpower from Sarumaru was the ability to put spells on others by talking to them.”
“You must have found the annoying side effects of the quirk to be quite hilarious as well.”
“Damn straight.” Ari leaned back, cracking her neck and back. “Hrmmmff... … ...I'd be lying if I didn't say it was just desserts.”
“In what fashion...?”
“You were always the most gung-ho about coming to this freaky place,” Aria Blaze said. “Seems natural that you'd fight so hard to get something back that you lost.”
“Does that truly make me so selfish? My Number One doesn't hold a candle to the original sorcery we carried over from Equestria into our last domain.” Adagio stared into her drink, sad-faced. “I suppose I was quite hell-bent on believing that we could climb back up.”
“Up where?”
“To a position of power comparable to what we once had. In truth—I still believe it. But... you two made so many sacrifices in following me here.” Adagio took another sip and exhaled. “Is it so strange that I opted to make myself a guinea pig?” She tongued the inside of her mouth as she looked past Sonata's song-and-dance number. “It's been rather useful in our missions, most certainly—but it is far from feeling even remotely like we once have. Sure... maybe you and Aria have a right to be jealous, but I assure you it's more of a weight than an asset.”
Aria Blaze's eyes fell. She squirmed a bit where she sat. “Y'know... before we got the van, I barely drove anything.”
“Even in all our years?”
“Just never cared for it. Y'know. But then—once we got here—it became clear to me that we needed to get around super easy. So that's why I said 'sure, why the fuck not' to getting some transportation quirk,” Ari explained. “I figured Sarumaru had plenty of useful shit to pull from under his many-many-many sleeves. But... beyond that? I didn't give it much thought.”
Adagio smiled. “Your Number One is quite the impressive one—”
“Yeah, but it's not flashy.”
The eldest sister scoffed: “You honestly think that driving a muscle car sideways across the building faces of downtown Shibuya isn't 'flashy?'”
“Where are the explosions?!?” Aria barked. “The sense of unbridled power??”
Adagio gestured. “Earlier with the semi-truck—”
Aria raised both clenched fists for emphasis. “I want complete control! On my lonesome! Not shit that... like... involves using a car or a moped as proxy!” She slumped sideways, blowing a dangling ponytail out from her face. “Only when things started getting... kinda cool did I start actually thinking about these super-powers that we're being loaned.” She folded her arms. “I may not be a huge fan of this whole operation—and that's no big secret—but I do wanna make the best of it.”
Adagio swirled a glass in her hand. “So...” She gave Aria a small, sideways smile. “You're starting to find things here to be 'kinda cool?'”
“Mmmmm... don't get a big head about it,” Aria grumbled. “I'd have rather chosen to hang out in another country within this dimension. Like America—”
“That place is a chaotic, violent dystopian Hellhole—”
“Yeah. But it's more my style.”
“So...?” Adagio shrugged. “Eventually we'll make this place more your style.”
“That's an upward fucking climb if I ever heard one.”
“You just have to have patience—”
“With Sarumaru?”
“For the time-being,” Adagio said with a nod.
Aria turned to blink at her.
“What?” Adagio smiled. “You really think we'll be working with him forever?”
“He always prattles on and on about forging 'order.'” Aria blew sideways. “That unnerves me. And the more we work for him—the deeper we sink into his web of plots.”
“Supervillains always go in over their heads,” Adagio said.
“What does that say about us?”
“We've got three heads,” Adagio said, resting a hand on Aria's shoulder. “Heh... I'm certain we can manage.”
Aria squirmed a bit more. “You... really don't enjoy your Number One quirk, do you?”
“You're not the only one who chose to go for something practical in the second choice,” Adagio said.
“Yeah... but your blast beams are so...” Aria grimaced. “Lame.”
“Uh huh...”
“When you really pour in the juice, it lasts barely a minute, and you transform into something like a ginger Ellen Degeneres.”
Adagio shrugged. “It's just the right kind of quirk we need to fill in the gaps between each other's talents. And the moment you master your super strength, you and I will complement each other nicely. Then when it's time for our third go-around, we'll add even more to the arsenal!”
“Yeah—but how deep will that put us in Sarumaru's pocket?”
“Doesn't matter.” Adagio smirked. “We'll have gone further up the ladder than any of his previous servants—even the ones who didn't turn on him. He won't ever want to take us out of his pocket.”
“Surely he'll predict us wanting to make a move on him,” Aria said.
“Not if we play our cards right.” Adagio freed a finger from gripping her glass to point. “If we become indistinguishable from the fine cloak he clothes himself with, he won't see the twist of the knife coming.”
“Then what...?”
“Once we take Sarumaru's place, all we have to answer to is his so-called 'Master.'”
“You really think he could give us three something close to what we had before?” Aria asked. “The ability to control and feed off of so many people?”
“Hey...” Adagio shrugged. “If what he's after is complete harmony over the whole of Japan—then who better to manifest that than sirens who can lull the entire archipelago with a song?”
Aria sighed. She gripped her head and leaned over in the booth.
Adagio blinked. “What's wrong?”
“How in the Hell...” Aria Blaze clenched her teeth, as if suffering a migraine. “...do you keep your eyes on such a big fukkin' picture all of the time...?”
“Mmmm...” Adagio sipped from her glass. Swallowed. Spoke. “Sometimes—most of the times—it involves painting it.”
“Guhhhh... sure... sure... what-the-fuck-ever...” Aria hugged herself, staring lethargically across the small room as the music persisted. “... … … you suppose my new quirk will manifest in the morning?”
“Or tomorrow afternoon. Or the night after. Or the week after.” Adagio patted Aria's shoulder again. “We're playing the long game, Ari. I know it's not your cup of tea, but that's fine. Leave it to me—and one way or another we'll figure out the gimmick that makes your new quirk tick. I have full faith that you'll be kicking a great deal of posterior quite soon. And you can bet your teats it will be 'flashy' when you do.”
“Heh...” Aria finally reached out for a drink. “'Posterior.'”
“Finally gained your thirst?”
“If only to forget half the shiet you just rambled on about.” Aria swigged from her glass and exhaled. “Mmmm...” She slapped a fist over her chest and belched. “...I hope my pubic hair doesn't grow in order for me to punch a hole in the wall or some crap.”
“That would require a massive wardrobe change.”
“Or you could coerce everyone named 'Kevin' to close their eyes.”
“Pffft. Why 'Kevin?'”
“You fukkin' kidding? It's always a 'Kevin.'”
“In Japan??”
“Why the Fuck not. Cross the goddamn Pacific Ocean to sniff some supervillainess pubes.”
“Pffft—and what if they're Australian?”
“Nah—they got emus for that.”
“Heheheh... s'trewth.”
“Whewwwwww!” Sonata Dusk slumped—sweating and smiling—into the booth beside them. “Hah! I was totally on tune that wholllle time!” She winked and held the microphone out to Adagio. “Beat that?”
“Why must I?” Adagio droned. “When you're on such a role?”
“Okie Dokie Sushi Rollie!” Sonata hopped back up and fingered the karaoke machine's console. “Nobody's stopping the melody express!”
“Just whatever you do...” Aria desperately waved. “Don't select—”
“~We don't talk about Bruno-no no no...~”
“God fuckkin' dammit!” Aria facepalmed, slumping into her booth.
“Eh...” Adagio poured another glass. “Let her have her fun.
“~We don't talk about Bruno~” Sonata paused, struck a pose, and jerked her head towards the other two with clenched teeth. “~BUT—~”
Late at night, along the fringes of Kabukicho, and deep within six narrow side streets that formed a shantytown arrangement of tightly-tightly-packed two-story buildings, a cluster of ridiculously tiny bars resided, and within one such cramped interior there were three sirens with long hair who sat shoulder to shoulder with merry little drinks raised in their girly hands.
“Mmmmm...~!” Sonata Dusk finished taking a heavy swig of sake. She slapped the glass down onto the bar counter and held two fingers out at a meager length. “Ten and a half centimeters!”
“Get out of town...” Aria Blaze droned, shaking her head.
“What—you think he was bigger?”
“When you got him talking about what he did to Darius III, chhhtyeahhhhhh...” Aria Blaze nodded enthusiastically. “Fucker really did like having his ego stroked.”
“Hrmmmfff...” Sonata pouted, arms crossed. “Even if there wasn't much of it to stroke.”
“Case in point...” Adagio smirked while swirling her glass. “Alexander wasn't quite as 'Great' as his title suggested.”
“He could still give ol' Genghis a run for the money~” Sonata declared.
“Pfffft. Fucckin' wild...” Aria chuckled. “Considering how many fuck-babies that crazy-brains asshole made.”
“You'd think it would fall off!” Sonata exclaimed.
“Who says it didn't?”
“Heeheehee!”
“Well, I suppose he did wield it decently enough,” Adagio suggested.
Sonata grimaced at her. “A pecker that tiny?”
Adagio pointed with a finger. “The bigger they are—the harder they fall.”
“Well, yeah...” Sonata Dusk leisurely looked up at a dusty widescreen tv propped crookedly against a wall full of retro movie posters. “Point well made. Or perhaps un-made.” She pepped up at the sight of muted news footage showing three lycra-clad vixens wreaking havoc in the heart of Shibuya. “Hey look! Memories!”
“Besides...” Adagio went on, taking another sip. “...it was Genghis' jewels that mattered more than his scepter.”
“Right...” Aria yawned. “Or else where would half the population of modern-day Mongolia be today?”
“More like one percent,” Adagio claimed. “He wasn't that loaded in the chamber.”
Sonata Dusk her nose—and tongue—into the conversation. “Oh go soak your fat head.”
“It's been a long time, Sonata.”
“I said! Your head! Soak it!”
“What about DB Cooper?” Aria Blaze asked.
Sonata Dusk frowned. “What about him???”
Aria squinted. “Nobody else here remembers DB Cooper's cock?”
“Why should we?! It was a cold night in Oregon when we found his body.”
“I always thought they'd shrink after suffering frostbite. Ah well.” Aria Blaze took a sip. “Damn if that wasn't a good Christmas shopping spree after snatching that briefcase...~”
“I have to say...” A young adult barkeep smirked from across the counter. He was dressed in white-and-tan casual wear and had a towel draped over his shoulder while he cleaned glasses beside an arrangement of vodka and sake bottles. “...most patrons take a while to get tipsy enough to talk about strange things.” He threw forth a good-natured chuckle. “But you three show up, firing on all cylinders!”
“That's us, alright,” Aria droned over her glass. “Machine gun massacre of dick jokes.”
“Heeheehee!” Sonata Dusk hugged herself and kicked her feet against the bar while giggling.
“Now...” Adagio raised her glass. “Nobunaga...” Her eyes twinkled a bit. “There was a dude who could get it on.”
“Pffffft. Yeah.” Aria rolled her eyes. “Cuz his married wife was barren.”
“Ain't that the truth?” Sonata swirled her drink. “The dumber the marriage—the bigger the harem you can slip into on the side.”
“You don't suppose Hideyoshi would ever have forgiven us for that whole mix-up with Mitsuhide?”
“Shhhhh!!” Adagio leaned in, eyeing the bartender warily. “We don't talk about that on this archipelago!”
“Shit. My bad.”
“Heh...” The bartender shifted awkwardly. “You three talk like you've lived for hundreds of years.”
“Bro...” Aria arched an eyebrow. “We've fucked for thousands of years!”
“So to speak...” Adagio toyed with her growing hair.
“Living is temporary,” Aria mused. “Fucking is forever~”
“Woohooo!” Sonata Dusk pumped a fist. “Praise the Fates for genetically incompatible fish wombs! Bruhhhh!!!” She belched, inadvertently conjuring a Koopa Paratroopa from Super Mario Brothers 3.
“Geeeeeuhh—!” Aria Blaze leapt up and clapped both hands over the entity, reducing it to a dark blue mist.
The bartender did a double-take, clearly missing the phenomenon by a hair. “What was that? A mosquito?”
“More like a horsefly.” Adagio—bearing a tipsy smile—leaned over the counter. “What if I was to tell you, dear sir, that the three of us were personally responsible for the first shots fired at Lexington, Massachusetts?”
“Is that...” The bartender made a face. “...a yankee thing?”
“Heheheh—yes. It is indeed quite the American thing.”
“I'm afraid I'm not too terribly caught up on American history.”
“That's okay.” Aria Blaze shrugged. “The British reserves sure as fuck got caught up after someone accidentally tripped on the mayor's loaded musket on her way to the outhouse at sunrise.”
“Hey!” Sonata Dusk frowned. “Just that one time!!!”
Adagio laughed.
“Mmmmhmmm...” Aria Blaze smirked into her drink. “Tomahawk missiles? Aircraft carriers? Nuclear submarines? None of those hold a candle to a trio of immortal snatches that can't ever get knocked up.”
“For what good it's done us...” Sonata rolled her eyes.
“Hey...” Adagio Dazzle gestured. “I—for one—enjoyed our extended stay with the Romanovs~”
“Yeah.” Sonata blew some bangs out from her forehead. “Then Vlad had to go and ruin things.”
“It's always a 'Vladimir,'” Aria groaned.
“His bald head felt good to straddle, at least~” Sonata said.
“Pffffft!” Aria Blaze spat out half of her last sip and face-planted on the bar counter, pounding it with her fists. “Fuckkkkkkk! I forgot he was into that shit!”
“How could you, girl?!?”
“Hahahahaha!”
“I dunno about you two girls, but I'm rather glad that we switched entirely to the song-spells instead of the sex-spells,” Adagio said. “The world just got... considerably grosser over time.”
“You mean 'unsexier,'” Sonata said.
“Yeah, well...” Aria Blaze sat up, finishing her drink. “World Wars will do that to the global libido.”
“That and the Internet.”
“Right. But one made it slightly harder to live in Japan than the other.”
“Well said~”
“Whew...” The barkeep shook his head while cleaning more glasses. “I'm going to have an interesting journal entry tonight.”
“Don't ever jot your thoughts down,” Aria said. “Just keep your feelings held deeply inside your head until you feel like screaming.”
“Yeah!” Sonata bounced in her seat. “Like the rest of us!”
“Heheheh...” The bartender chuckled, blushing slightly. “You're very cute when you bounce!”
“Erhm...” Adagio Dazzle leaned forward. “Where are we at with the tab, friend?”
“Oh! Um...” The bartender did some math, examined the empty drinks, then scribbled onto a sheet of paper that he slid over to Adagio.
While he returned to his business, Adagio studied the figures while Aria and Sonata leaned over her shoulders.
“Whoah... uh...” Sonata Dusk blinked. “Do we even have that much yen?”
“Of course we do,” Adagio calmly replied, her brow nevertheless furrowed. “We can last a century in this place. That's not the point...”
“Talk about over-charge,” Aria Blaze grumbled. “Toldja we shoulda gone over to Omoide Yokocho.”
“Well, duh we're being over-charged! Doesn't matter if it's here or there!” Sonata squawked out of earshot from the bartender. “We're foreigners!”
“The fuck?” Aria balked at her. “No we're not! We fuckkin' live here!”
“No, I mean we're foreigners!” Aria used her fingers to frame her own face. “Like—get it?”
Aria blinked. “You mean we're light pink, light blue, and yellow?”
“Who's yellow?” Adagio asked.
“You are, bitch!”
Adagio looked down at her own arms and upper shoulders. “Since when...?”
“Point is...” Sonata gestured. “We don't blend in with the Japanese.”
“For fuck's sake—people in this world have shark teeth and flaming dicks growing out of their faces,” Aria droned. “Even the Japanese don't look Japanese.”
“Yeah, well—they can tell! And they overcharge foreigners!” Sonata said, arms crossed. “I learned it from Abroad in Japan.”
“What the fuck is Abroad in Japan?”
“He's a Youtuber.”
“You're Mom's a Youtuber. Why the fuck should I care?”
“Cuz he totally gives an informative perspective on a foreigner living in Japan and what other foreigners can expect! And the sad truth is that most bar establishments charge more if you don't look like you're from Japan!”
“Is that this dude's quirk? To be full of shit?”
“He's not full of shit! He's a famous Youtuber!”
“Do you even hear yourself right now?!?”
“Ah-ahem...” Adagio smiled across the bar counter. “Excuse me, sir...”
“Oh here we go...” Aria Blaze face-palmed.
“How are we doing??” The bartender shuffled over, smiling. “Ready to pay your tab?”
“Oh! Absolutely~” Adagio smiled as her younger familiars looked on. “I take it you've never been to the States?”
“Hmmm? Oh! America? No—but... uhhhh... I'm a big fan of their culture!” He smiled, giving a “victory” symbol. “Kobe Bryant!!”
“And do forgive me.” Adagio's eyelshes fluttered.” I don't believe I got your name,” she said while Sonata and Aria looked knowingly at each other.
“It's Tanaka.” He gave a slight bow. “Tanaka Sota.”
Adagio winked. <Well, Sota> she spoke in English, her voice echoing with an ethereal energy. <You will want to charge us the same as everyone else.>
A beam of rose light transferred from Adagio's eyes to the bartender's. The man named Sota jittered slightly in place, blinked, then robotically reached for the bill. “My apologies, madame. I seem to have done my math wrong. How foolish of me.”
“Whoopsie Poopsies!” Sonata exclaimed, stifling a giggle.
After a brief moment, the bartender handed the girls an edited tab. The three looked at it again.
“Only two thousand yen less?!?” Aria wheeze.
Sonata frowned at her. “I didn't say they overcharged by much!”
“Man—fuck you and Youtube with a ten inch bamboo stick.”
“That's Pornhub, fuzzhead!”
“Did you just call me fuzzhead—?”
Adagio coughed before patting Aria's shoulder.
“Hmmm? What?” A blink. “Oh, right.” She reached into her pocket and produced several notes and coins. “Gotta fill in for the inexplicable mute.”
“Huh?” the bartender blinked.
“Nothing, handsome.” Aria placed the money on the counter as she stood up. “Nice eye color, by the way.”
Sonata snickered while Adagio smirked.
“Hmmmm?” The bartender looked into the shiny plastic of a menu placard, observing the slight rose glow to his eyes. “Huh... that's weird.” Another blink. “Wait... are you three...” He turned to look towards the steep stairwell leading down to the streets. “...quirk-users?”
The three had left, leaving only giggles and the echo of foot-steps in their wake.
Several hours and barhops later...
“I may not live to see our gloryyyy~”
“I may not live to see our gloryyyyyyyyy~”
“But I will gladly join the fight~!!”
“But I will gladly join the fiiiiiiiiiight~!!”
Aria Blaze and Sonata Dusk sauntered down the Golden Gai—arm in arm—as they caterwauled to the neon skyscrapers of Tokyo above. Adagio Dazzle, still mute, walked slowly behind them in a relatively more sober gait. She dug her hands into her hoodie's pockets and breathed evenly, watching her two siblings with a lingering smirk.
“And when our children telllll our storyyyyyyyy~” Sonata Dusk led.
“And when our children tell our storyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~” Aria Blaze followed.
“They'll tell the storyyyyy of toniiiiiiight~!!”
“They'll telllllllllll the story of toniiiiiiiiiight~~!!”
Both women leaned into each other, rosy-cheeked and sweat!smiling up a liquid storm.
“Let's have anotherrrrrr round toniiiiiiiight! Let's have another round tonighhhhhht~~!!!” they sang in unison. At one point, their ankles got caught with each other, and the two nearly tripped—forcing Aria to side-belch an errant “FUCK!” before throwing her throat back into hormal.
Adagio giggled breathily.
“Raise a glass to freeeeeeedommmmmm~!” Sonata Dusk sang, raising her hand towards the streetlamps and stars. “Something they can neverrrrrrrr take awayyyyyyyyyy~~!”
“Mmmmm—No matterrrrrrrrr what they tell youuuuuuuu~~” Aria Blaze barely held Sonata up as she teetered in mid-uvulation. “Raise a glass to the four of ussssssss~~!!!
“Wait wait wait...” Sonata Dusk skidded to a stop on drunken feet. “Four?!?” She squinted dizzily at Aria. “Since when—HIC!—were there FOUR of us!”
“Bitch, there's always been four of us!!”
“Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhh?”
“Yeah!” Aria counted her fingers. “You! Me! Dagi's left tit! And Dagi's right tit!”
“Girl, you actually see them?!?”
“Shit—I am drunk, after all!”
“Pfffft-heeheehee!” Sonata Dusk swung on Aria's body like a tetherball circling a pole. “Anotherrrr! Another barrrrr!”
“Nuh uh!” Aria yanked Sonata back upright and trudged towards the end of the street with her. “You're summoning us a fart-door home!”
“HIC! How come?! The night's still young!”
“Adagio said it's time to go to bed.”
“She didn't say fluff!” Sonata frowned. “She's still mute from talking down the tab earlier!”
“She hand-signed it!”
“JSL, ASL, or BSL?”
“Fish fingers! Fish sticks! Whatever—fuck you. We're taking you to bed.”
“Hahahaha!” Sonata Dusk belched a blue tanuki onto the street which Sonata quickly stamped to misty vapors with her boot. “Fuck me! Take me to bed! Hic! Not necessarily in that order!”
“You gotta make a door first.”
“Are we gonna play some Fortnite still?”
“Fuck off about Fortnite! Make us a portal, bitch!”
“Nuh uh! I wanna do trios!”
“Fine. Fine. The moment we get home, we'll drop in.”
“Do I get to choose—”
“Rocky Reels.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaat—?!? How'd you guess?”
“Bitch, it's always Rocky Reels.”
“Heeheehee! Vamos a morir!”
“Make. Portal. Casita. Órale.”
“Si si si...” Sonata Dusk leaned against the maintenance door of a random building on the edge of the Shinjuku shantytown. “Mmmmmm...” As she concentrated gray-glowing energy into the frame, she chuckled limply aside. “Sus si sus si sus si! See? Get it?” A crooked grin. “Spanish Among Us! HIC!”
“Fuck me, you're so drunk.”
“I'm not as fuck as you drunk I am.”
“Hahaha—Christ. DOOR, girl!!”
“I'm dooriiiiiiiiiing!”
“I swear—if I spontaneously get my quirk, I'm tossing you all the way to Shikoku on my own.”
“Better have a good aim!”
Adagio Dazzle hung back at a distance. She gazed at the two, entangled in each other's arms, full of mirth and whimsy. The eldest siren hugged herself, gnawing on her smiling lips as she drank in the moment, allowing it to fill her more than any alcohol could.
“So, what's the sound of one hand clapping?”
“... … …?” Adagio turned, blinking dizzily towards her side.
The first thing she saw was the color green—neon and vibrant, even under Shinjuku night. A young man stood in a vibrant hoodie, his hair frosted with the same emerald to match. His eyes were a rounder almond than she expected, but the warmth of the stranger's smirk was all-encompassing.
“Heh... doesn't really matter, does it?” He winked, and Adagio saw a flicker of that same green vibrancy. “With three sets of arms, you can always count on applause.”
Adagio could only blink and stare at him. Her throat tightened, shadowed and useless.
“But hey...” He shrugged, that same smile receding—along with him—back into the shadows. “...with so many hands at your disposal, you're bound to catch more than the cat fetches tongues.” There was a twirl of sneakers, and he wandered off in the opposite direction, as relevant as a passing dream. “May luck be with you, all the same~”
Lost in night, Dagi shifted where she stood. She felt a cold metal prick in her hand, and she realized that she was clutching her monkey paw totem. The woman's eyes fluttered lazily—contemplatively—along the neon signs as they flickered out one by one, and even the darkest and seediest place of Tokyo faded before her.
Another eclipse. Another sliver of light forever being chased, but its shimmer always a grasp further.
She pursed her lips, as if to beckon the edge of night with a kiss—
“Hey! Dagimon!!”
“???” Adagio spun.
Aria Blaze stood before a glowing gray door that opened to a mountain drenched in starlight with a lone cabin awaiting them. She was bridal carrying a dead-asleep Sonata whose snores threatened to summon blue misted kami at every wave.
“Hop on through!” Aria hissed. “Cuz she ain't makin' a new portal for hours!” A tired smirk. “You really wanna try stowing away on the bullet train at fuck-o'clock'-a.m?”
Adagio shook her head briskly, skipping into action.
In a singular, shared jump—the three sirens hopped through the exit and returned home, with the world swallowing itself up behind them.
Captain Kondo slumped limply down onto a stool, haggard and deadpan. Patches of his face were covered with bandages and part of his right arm hung in a sling. He stared a thousand kilometers forward, his bloodshot eyes emotionlessly reflecting the flicker of lights upon lights upon even more lights.
He breathed in and out through bruised nostrils. Strands of gray hair rustled from a random gust of air conditioning above him.
Just when it seemed as though he could not remain still-as-a-statue any longer...
...a chiming sound went off. His eyes rolled, but he maintained composure. His good arm fished around what remained of his tattered police jacket. Kondo shifted his weight, wincing heavily as he did so. Ultimately he pulled out a cell phone and flipped it to life beside his ear.
"Yes, hello, Mother. Good evening."
The other line chattered.
"No, Mother. I'm okay. I'm... uh... I'm at home."
More chattering.
"It's okay, Mother. Look... I don't know what you heard from the news, but you have to understand that most of it is hyperbolic hearsay. I'm not..."
The chattering increased in volume. The middle-aged man hunched forward, eyes clenched shut tight as he stifled a groan from deep within his injured body.
"...it's not that simple. Listen, Mother, I'm a Captain in the Tokyo Police Force. I don't care how powerful Tsuragamae thinks he is, but that dog-headed egotist is going to need a lot more sway if he thinks he can simply fire a loyal law enforcement officer such as myself."
There was a pause on the other line, then some chatter, Kondo sighed and spoke:
"Do not fret one bit, Mother. I've been in service of this great country of ours for years. I'm the very paragon of efficiency and responsibility. I know full well how to take care of myself."
He leaned back and took a firm breath.
"Now if you want my advice, turn the television off and go read a good book. Things are going to be wild and crazy on the airwaves for a while, and there's no need to hear any baseless rumors about my competency. Alright? Now, forgive me, but I must retire to bed and get up early in the morning for my regularly scheduled exercise routines. Okay?"
A brief squawk or two. He nodded with the phone to his year.
"I love you too, Mother. Sweet dreams. Talk to you later."
Clap!
Kondo shut the phone off and slid it into his jacket pocket.
"Mrrrrrngh... where would this Town be without me?"
With that said, Kondo slipped cash into the left side of the flashing pachinko machine in front of him. After pressing "Play," he habitually fired several ball bearings into the vertical field, watching with dazed eyes as his luck ran out again.
"Dammit..." He muttered under the echoing noise of the parlor all around him. "...why'd I have to get the fish tits and not the flash fire?"
