Sins of the Mother
Digging my keys out of my purse, I can’t help but bite my lip from the cold. The winter night does nothing but remind you how alone you can be, which makes me get home a hell of a lot faster than usual. Of course, they had me stay an extra two hours than when my shift was supposed to end, making it considerably dark outside. I suppose that’s what happens when I’m given the closing shift, but still… I doubt I will be paid overtime. Just what we need. More unpaid work. We’re barely getting along as it is, but I try to not let them see that. They… deserve as much of a life as they can get rather than constantly worrying about me or how I will pay the bills. That’s my job… To worry about each new day and to give them as much as I can.
Sliding my key into the front door, I quickly unlock it, opening the door and stepping inside to prevent any more exposure to the cold than necessary. Taking a deep breath, I look around the living room, seeing Aria sitting comfortably on the couch, texting someone on her phone once again. “Hello,” I say quietly, taking my coat off and letting the warm embrace of the indoor air surround me. The seventeen year-old girl just waves slightly, returning to her texting without even making eye contact with me. That’s usual, though… It would be out of the ordinary if she was actually happy to see me. For a while, I tried to convince myself it was just teenage hormones, but I honestly think it’s just Aria’s avoidant personality. “How was school?” I ask her in a monotone voice, feeling weak and tired from work.
“You always ask that and the answer is always the same,” Aria tells me in an annoyed voice, rolling her eyes slightly as her fingers press the screen a couple more times.
“I just ask to make sure you’re alright, you know.” Sighing to myself, I slowly take my boots off after hanging my keys on a hook next to the door. “Remember. No phone after-”
“After dinner. Got it, mom,” Aria mocks me in the same annoyed tone, shaking her head as she watches the screen.
“You know I’m not your mother,” I respond with an equally annoyed tone, walking towards the small kitchen attached to our living room.
“Oh, an older sister in her twenties who’s always nagging me? Sounds like a mom.” Aria’s sarcastic and rude comment engrains itself in my mind, making me grit my teeth. Let it go, Adagio… Once upon a time, it was a lot easier to anger me, but I had to get rid of that habit to try and be a good role model. Well, try is the optimal word…
The sound of a door opening quickly makes me turn my attention to the hallway, seeing a small blue blur come rushing around the corner, smacking into me and trying to give me a big hug. “Adagio’s home!” her excited voice exclaims as she holds onto me, her hand still holding onto her teddy bear.
“I already knew that, dummy,” Aria says quietly, not bothering to look at the both of us. Her blatant attitude grinds on my thoughts even more, but I keep trying to disregard it. I can talk to Aria later when this little rascal is in bed.
Taking a deep breath, I smile at the girl, picking her up slowly. “Hey there, Sonata~ Did you miss me?” I ask her with a happy tone, Sonata’s big smile and nod giving me the answer.
“Uh huh! Wanna know what we did in school today?” Sonata asks me excitedly, her body practically jittering with anticipation to tell me.
“Of course. Did you defeat a dragon?” I ask her, poking her nose and receiving a giggle from the small ball of joy that is my little sister.
“No, dragons aren’t real!” Sonata confidently states with a big grin, clearly proud of herself for the fact she just gave me. “We went to a circus!”
“You went to a state fair, not a circus,” Aria interjects, her eyes still glued to her screen.
“Then how come there were clowns and balloon animals there?” The small blue girl sticks her tongue out in defiance at Aria, thinking that the whole definition of a circus is the presence of clowns. It’s kinda cute to see such an innocent thought process about the world, but I suppose it’s expected from a kid. She’s going to turn eleven in just a few months, making me feel a bit too old for my own good. “We also got to play with puppies and pet goats!” Sonata exclaims with a couple giggles, her hand dropping her stuffed animal to the floor.
Bending down to grab her lost toy, I can’t help but giggle along with Sonata, nodding slowly. “Did you bring Mr. Thompson with you?” I ask her, referring to the teddy bear.
“No… Ms. Cheerilee wouldn’t let me take him and all. I had to leave him in the locker by himself,” Sonata says with a sad expression, holding onto the teddy bear. Even though most kids her age have already grown out of the stuffed animal phase, Sonata seems to prefer them over dolls or cars, playing with them any chance she gets. To her, they’re her only friends… I’ve tried to help her socialize with other kids her age, but they never seem interested in making friends with her. It sometimes breaks my heart to see Sonata try so hard to be kind to the kids around her only to come home crying from someone’s mean comments getting to her.
“I’m sure Mr. Thompson wasn’t scared~ He’s been protecting you from the dark for a long time now, remember?” I tell the blue girl as I set her down on the opposite side of the couch.
“Oh yeah! We’re like superheroes! He can fight the dark and I can make him fly!” Her hands excitedly hold the bear up to the sky with a smile on her face, causing me to giggle slightly.
“Well, even superheroes need to eat, so how about you go put Mr. Thompson back in your room and change into your pajamas, okay?” Sonata’s eyes widen almost instantly, nodding as she stands up.
“Can we have some chocolate ice cream for dessert? Please?” Sonata asks me with the most pitiful face. Unlike other kids, Sonata hardly ever breaks the rules, always finding a way to be good and treat others with kindness. I still don’t know where she got such a kind heart, considering Aria is usually pretty rude and doesn’t care about strangers and I am…. Well, I was a bitch in high school.
Looking towards the fridge, a part of me can’t help but feel conflicted. Technically we’re almost out of ice cream and our food stamps don't renew for another week… I can’t quite go get another carton, but… I suppose there’s enough for two servings. “Okay, you can have some, but only if you get changed like I asked,” I say with a wink, causing the blue girl to run towards her room as fast as she can. Straightening my posture, I can’t help but sigh to myself, looking towards Aria. “Put the phone up. It’s time to eat.” Walking towards the kitchen, I hear an exhausted sigh come from the teenager, the sound of the phone shutting down echoing in the room.
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Dipping the ice cream into two bowls, the sound of Aria and Sonata talking to each other fills my ears, making me smile slightly. They don’t talk that much due to their stark age difference, but seeing the two of them spending time together is nice. Even if I had to facilitate that by demanding Aria to get off her phone. If I didn’t she would probably be ignoring Sonata and texting away with the few friends she does have. At least Aria actually has friends… Sonata can’t seem to make them no matter how hard she tries and me? I… don’t really have the time. My time is taken up by work and… sleep. I guess it’s because I feel so tired every single day, but another theory is that I don’t really want to stay awake and worry about tomorrow. The three of us barely live off my paychecks alone, which causes me enough stress as it is. Regardless, it’s nice to hear them interacting once in a while.
Walking into the living room, I give the bowls to my sisters, stacking up the dirty plates and bringing them to the sink. Without giving me a chance to come sit down, Aria’s eyes look at me with a confused tone in them, her gaze switching between her bowl and me multiple times. “Um… Where’s your bowl…?” Aria asks me hesitantly, seemingly curious about the absence of a treat for me. In response to her question, Sonata’s eyes look up at me, her own gaze now reflecting her confusion.
“Yeah, where is it?” the blue girl asks me with the same innocence I hope she never loses.
“Don’t worry. I had my ice cream earlier in the day, that’s all,” I lie to both of them, walking over and sitting in the middle of the couch. Aria’s eyes stare at me with skepticism, not believing a word that comes out of my mouth. Her face instantly looks conflicted as she glances at her ice cream, seemingly wanting the treat but feeling guilty about it at the same time.
“But… don’t we eat our ice cream together…?” Sonata asks quietly, her eyes looking up at me with confusion. It hurts me to lie to her when I see her eyes full of confliction like this…
“You… can have some of mine if you want,” Aria whispers, looking away from the both of us as she slowly hands me the bowl only for me to push it back towards her.
“It’s alright, really~ Just eat your ice cream~ I already had my share earlier, so once you two get done, I can read a story, alright?” Instantly, Sonata perks up, looking at me with excitement.
“A bedtime story?” she asks me with wonder in her eyes, quickly taking a bite of her treat. Every couple of days, I try to read Sonata a bedtime story, no matter how tired I feel. It makes Sonata feel better after some particularly bad days and she enjoys the funny voices I use. Every time, she begs Aria to stay around, but she hardly does. Aria usually just goes to sleep and leaves us alone. Rarely, the teenage rebel does stay around just for Sonata’s sake, often contradicting me and telling me my voice for a certain character doesn’t fit.
“Yes, but only if you finish your ice cream and brush your teeth,” I tell Sonata with a smile, rubbing her head slowly. An excited nod comes from the little dork as she eats her treat, a big smile coming across her face. As for Aria, her face still holds the conflicted tone it had before, slowly taking a bite of her own ice cream. Every so often, Aria is able to show her inner thoughts such as the kindness in her own heart and the consideration she has for others.
“You really don’t want a bite?” Aria asks me in a whisper, quiet enough so that Sonata can’t hear her. Shaking my head slightly, I pat Aria’s shoulder, encouraging her to just enjoy what she has and to not worry about me. Worrying is my job. In moments like these, it’s sometimes difficult to remember all the struggles I’ll have to go through tomorrow or the upcoming week. Just for a few moments, everything seems alright in the world, even if it could all be taken away from us with one bad day. For now, everything’s alright and we won’t have to worry until the day comes. Then the cycle repeats once more. Maybe someday we can afford nicer things and move somewhere better. For their sakes, I hope so… As long as I can keep them happy and healthy, I will be fine.
Licking her bowl slightly, Sonata quickly gets up from the couch, running to the kitchen to put her bowl in the sink. The pajamas she has on are a bright pink that contrasts with her skin nicely. The pink fabric is absolutely covered in a taco print, something she had wanted for a long time. Her favorite food in the whole world is a taco, making her wish for something as mundane as taco pajamas for Christmas. She’d write a letter with help from me to Santa Claus and send it to the North Pole. She doesn’t know the ‘North Pole’ she’s been sending her letters to is actually a shoe box in my closet. I guess I didn’t have the heart to actually send them away when she worked so hard on them. They’d only end up in the trash, so why not save them? It took me so long to save up enough money to buy her that gift, but I didn’t give myself the credit. To her, she still believes Santa gave her the pajamas. Most kids want toys, but she wanted sleepwear with her favorite food on them. It’s weird, but… wholesome.
Running out of the kitchen, Sonata quickly makes her way to the bathroom to brush her teeth, making me smile at how excited she is to hear a bedtime story. Aria quietly stands up, bringing her own bowl and the rest of the dirty dishes to the kitchen with a stretch. “I’m going to go to bed now before the dork can ask me to stay,” Aria states quietly as she reenters the living room, making eye contact with me briefly. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she sets it on the table in front of the couch with a slight sigh before walking down the hallway, disappearing behind a corner that leads to her own room.
As if the world thinks it’s a crime to leave me alone, Sonata comes rushing down the hall with Mr. Thompson in her arms, quickly taking a seat on my lap. It seems she ran back to her room to get her bear before the story. “Okay! I’m ready,” Sonata says with a big grin. Wrapping my arms around Sonata, I take a deep breath and think to myself. I don’t have enough money to buy Sonata a lot of story books or toys, so most of the stories I tell Sonata or either made up or fairy tales I vaguely remember from someone else. Occasionally, I even ask coworkers for some stories. They always seem weirded out and ask me why I would want one, but their confusion is almost instantly set aside when I tell them it’s for my little sister.
“Is there any story you want to hear again or do you want me to tell you a new one?” I ask Sonata with a happy tone, tickling her slightly to hear some of her giggles.
“Can we hear The Siren Princess again?” Sonata pleads with me, referring to both her and her stuffed animal. Sirens are typically seen as bad creatures… They seduce people and bring them to their doom, but Sonata saw some superhero like Aquaman and thought they were a siren. From then on, she insisted that sirens are good guys and they use their magic to save people, despite what I and her teachers try to tell her. I suppose it’s nice in a way. She can believe that something that is seen as typically bad can have a good side to them and give them the benefit of a doubt. I still wouldn’t hope to meet one though, but due to Sonata’s unbudging stance, I ended up relenting and making up a story about a siren. One she loves so much that I have memorized at this point.
“Alright~ Once upon a time, there was a large castle in the middle of the ocean.” Sonata gleefully listens to my story, holding onto her teddy bear and getting comfortable in my lap. Despite the numerous times I’ve told this story, Sonata never seems to tire of it. A part of me hopes she never learns the true meaning of a siren just so her blissful ignorance can stay with her. Once that childhood innocence is lost, it can never come back, making it all the more valuable and depressing to lose. The majority of her problems right now are not having friends and accidentally spilling something on her toys. If those were the only problems I had, I would count myself lucky. I just hope she can enjoy these years while she can… I had to mature real fast in order to take care of Sonata and Aria, so I just hope that maybe they can look back at these years with fondness when they’re older. If they can do that, then maybe I’ve done a good job. Maybe… Maybe I would have been a good sister. “After her long day of saving people overboard, the little siren princess goes back to her big castle in the ocean. ‘The sun is setting, so it’s time for my day to end,’ she says before laying her head on her pillow. The day has been fun, but now it’s time for the night to run its course. Goodnight to all of the sailors and fish out there. And goodnight to every siren, big or small~” Hugging the small girl in my arms, I notice a small frown on her face. Usually, that ending makes her pretty happy… Why does she look like this?
“Adagio…?” she asks me slowly, her eyes looking down at her stuffed animal hesitantly.
“What is it, Sonata?” My eyes still watch her, trying to tell what the girl is thinking. All I can tell is that she feels upset about something, but I’m not sure what it is.
“Does the siren princess have a mom?” she asks slowly, her eyes not moving from Mr. Thompson.
“She probably does~ Why do you ask? Do you want to hear more about her family?” Even though I don’t consider my stories great, I would be willing to contribute more to the story if Sonata wants to hear extra details.
“Some of the boys in school said that all good kids have mommies and all…” A sad tone emanates from the young girl’s voice as she says those words, a deathly silence following afterward. Without needing any context, I can already understand what those boys meant. Sonata, as kind as she is, is seen as weird and a freak for not having parents and being raised by her sister. I attend every parent teacher conference and I make sure to keep up with Sonata and Aria’s performance in school, but even the adults look at me weirdly… It’s not seen as ‘normal’ to raise your siblings in the absence of a parent. For us, it was… more complicated. I’m glad Sonata can’t remember her, to be honest. I never knew our father, but our mother…? I wish I had never known her… She would constantly berate us for the smallest things whenever she flew into one of her manic episodes. Those words would usually lead to her grabbing a belt and… Well, it just wasn’t a good situation. It was even worse whenever she drank or took some drugs. I would take the fall for the girls, especially since Sonata was barely one year-old. Even now, I sometimes shiver at the thought of some of those nights… I’m a grown woman and I can’t help but try and block out those memories. I think Aria remembers some of the things that happened, but thankfully not as much as I do… She didn’t have to deal with the physical aspects of those… times. I always protected her and I chose to blame myself. Aria and Sonata thankfully don’t have scars. At least physical ones.
Her screams and angry eyes still sometimes haunt me… The few times Aria did get hit, I couldn’t bear the sound of her whimpers. I hope she has forgotten those memories, but if I’m anything to go by, then she probably still remembers it… I got us out of that situation and I don’t care what happened to the woman who did that to us, but I sure as hell don’t call her mother. “Honey, they were just… misguided,” I tell Sonata with a whisper, holding her close to me. “Families come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t mean you’re any less of a good girl, alright?” Sonata slowly nods, finally looking up at me with a weak smile.
“Promise…?” she asks me with her quiet voice, her eyes locked with my own. The day I got us out of there, I made a promise to myself to keep them safe. To keep them happy and healthy at all costs, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. In large part, this promise has been carried out, sacrificing my social life and my previous mannerisms just to make sure I can keep them happy and make sure they have good lives. Them first, me second… No matter what, I know the three of us can make it. We’re strong and I love both of them so much. They both need to know they matter and that they’re worth it.
“I promise~” I whisper, hugging Sonata as tight as I can before letting her go. She quietly gets off my lap and smiles at me, hugging her bear. “Now how about you go get in bed, okay? I’ll come tuck you and Mr. Thompson in after I brush my teeth,” I say before poking Sonata’s blue nose, getting a cute giggle from her.
“Okay~ I love you, Adagio,” Sonata tells me with another hug before letting go and turning away from me, walking towards the hallway. As long as they have a good life, I will be happy. No matter how dark the night may be, I will always be here for my sisters. Nothing will change that.