Secrets & Truths
Rainbow had arrived to the farmhouse just a few moments prior and yet they were already in the heat of battle, trying oh so vigorously to beat the other in a game of absolute luck; Snakes and Ladders. Yes, not an uncommon thing for the pair on a hot summer evening when nothing seems to be wrong or right at the same time. A date, if you will. Although that word has a drastically different definition in their dictionary.
Dash rolled her fifth attempt. A five. One less than the biggest. Close enough, she thought. She moved her pawn to the appropriate spot, smirking as she had - by one space - avoided a snake. She puffed out her chest proudly, and awaited her next roll.
Applejack, clenching her jaw, let the dice fall from her hoof. A six. The biggest number, therefore she got it lucky. Which she did. She missed a snake by three spaces. However, she did end up missing a ladder by two spaces. "Shoot." She muttered under her breathe.
The game continued uneventfully. One turn after the other. Avoiding some snakes, missing more ladders, and not missing even more snakes. Reverting stuff, really.
As Dash played once again, Applejack's thoughts wondered off to somewhere she’d been visiting a lot as of late.
She didn’t like secrets. Secrets weren’t fun and were never easy to keep. Secrets brought with it a whole bundle of what ifs. What if they react as blank? What if they blank? What if they don’t like blank? Those blank spaces aren’t easy to figure out either. Placing the appropriate words in them. Not to mention the fact that putting a word in those blank spaces would be assuming something. Assumptions aren’t okay. Good ones or bad. Assumptions are often wrong and are derived from prejudices. Assumptions also often lead to misunderstandings and broken friendships, or even hearts if taken to extremes.
Secrets equals what ifs. What ifs equals blank spaces. Blank spaces equals assumptions. And assumptions leads to many, many wrong things.
But…
"Aj?"
The raspy call of her partner tuned her back into reality. She quickly blinked, staring confusedly at her current opponent. "Yeah?" She quirked an eyebrow.
Rainbow directed a hoof at the game they were playing, the pawns right where Applejack remembered, except Rainbow's was moved two spaces forward. "You zoned out. Not like you." Concerned, Rainbow's expression had lost the combativeness she had only moments prior. Now all that showed on her face was a look of concern.
"Aw shucks, didn’t realize. Sorry 'bout that." Trying to move on, AJ picked up the dice and rolled it to receive a measly one. She let out a nervous laugh before scooting her pawn a space forward. She placed the dice in front of Dash, expecting the other mare to play.
Rainbow looked down at the dice, then at her partner and sighed. "Fine." she stated. She used the tone she uses whenever Applejack wasn’t being completely full with Rainbow. Yes, it happened enough for Rainbow to have an entire tone based around it. Rainbow always ended up getting the truth out of the element of honesty. Shouldn’t sound as hard as it is.
Rainbow played and got a three, leading her straight - well, not exactly straight - to some ladders granting her the position of first place.
From there, the game was even quieter than that quiet summer evening on the orchard. The pair were often quiet and tame during these little date nights of theirs. A rare time for them, so they cherished these little moments of quietness. Usually, the quiet brought a sense of calmness and serenity. But at that very moment, calm and serene were not words they’d use to describe the atmosphere. A chilly breeze might have been a better description. The thick air of the barn mixed uncomfortably with the summer heat only worsened their already rather soured moods.
Applejack nibbled on her bottom lip, trying her hardest to non-verbally assure her marefriend that nothing was bothering her. But nothing worked. Not the light hoof nuzzles she managed to give, nor the soft smiles she offered. She tried so much as leaning toward the other side of the table and planting a soft kiss on the mare's cheek to assure her, but even still, Rainbow remained adamant.
Where in Equestria did that girl learn to be this gosh darn stubborn?!
She wants ta know, Applejack. she thought to herself, She has every right ta know….
That was true. Rainbow was the most important thing in her life. On par with the rest of the Apple family and the farm, if not higher than them. Applejack would give everything up for this featherberain. She’d love this gosh darn idiot 'till the end of time, no questions asked. She’d pull out the most expensive ring that would leave her in years of debt, say the cheesiest speech imaginable, and wear the itchiest dress made in history for this amazing mare. And yet, she still couldn’t tell her this simple little truth. She believed in honesty, and Rainbow believed in trust. They go hoof in hoof. So, it shouldn’t be very hard for Applejack to trust Rainbow with the honest truth, right?
Why was she struggling so hard to admit this? Rainbow would accept her for who she is, right? Rainbow loved her, undyingly so. Which would therefore mean that Rainbow wouldn’t turn her back on Applejack. Element of loyalty and everything.
Applejack rolled her dice, moving three steps forward, and all the way back to the first row. Darn that snake, she nearly had the game, too.
Rainbow wouldn’t be mad, she’d be proud. Happy even that Aj trusted her with the truth.
"Right." Rainbow said far louder than necessary. "What’s up with you tonight?" An eyebrow had been instinctively quirked.
"Whatya mean by that, RD?" Aj asked back, smiling nervously. She reached out for the dice, only to realize that they were held captive by the unpleased Rainbow Dash.
"What do I mean, Applejack?"
It was then that Applejack realized just how serious Rainbow had gotten about this. Her tone had told Aj enough to know Rainbow wasn’t fooling around, but her speech told Aj that Rainbow wasn’t in for the games at all. When was the last time Rainbow used Aj's full name, anyway?
"You’ve been zoning out, looking out into literally nothing. You answer me all funny, you don’t even realize what you’re playing, or if you’re playing. Did you know you moved all the way down to the beginning when you’re supposed to be moving two spaces down? Did you know that you let me skip three snakes in a row? If you were in the game, Applejack, I would know that."
Sighing, Applejack avoided Rainbow's gaze, looking rather ashamed of what Rainbow just listed. "Ima go on a limb an' say this ain’t 'bout the game no more?" Reaching a hoof up to her hat, she covered her eyes.
"C'mon Aj," Dash's tone had softened slightly. It still did have that agency to it, but rather calmer and softer than before, "You know you can tell me anything. You can tell me that you’re a freaking guy and I’d still love you!"
Applejack blinked. "Rainbow- that ain’t how that…"
Rainbow dismissive waved a hoof, "Forget the specifics, you know what I mean!"
She nodded, "I do…" and she kept nodding, "I do…" and nodding, "I do… but…"
"What but? You think I’d hate you if you told me? Or I’d leave you or something stupid like that? 'Cause that’s never gonna happen, and ya know it. And if it does, you know you’re not talking to the sane, sober and this world Rainbow Dash."
Applejack squeezed her eyes shut. She opened her mouth once, then shut it far tighter than before. Biting her lips, Applejack didn’t say anything. It remained like this; a stale mate, if you will.
The uncomfortable silence reigned yet again, leaving the air to carry both their frustrations. Somewhere outside the barn, a crow rather loudly cawed adding to the unpleasantness of the moment. As a light breeze swept into the room, Applejack's ears flopped to the sides. Her eyes still shut and covered from view by her trusted her Stetson.
"Aj-" Rainbow began, only to get quickly hushed by Aj.
The farmer lifted her head, a look of determination of her face, "I’ve made up my mind. No more secrets. No more what ifs. No more blanks spaces. And not more assumptions. Ya deserve the truth, and nuthin' but the truth. It was wrong o' me to pretend ya didn’t, or that y’all’d take it the wrong way. I trust ya, and I trust that ya love me enough to accept what I’m 'bout to say." She took a long, deep breathe, closed her eyes and thought of the two little words she was about to utter.
"I’m asexual."
Quietness. That was all that followed. Not the uncomfortable quietness from earlier, and definitely not the calm ones they were used to. Somewhere on the spectrum, but not exactly one or the other.
Rainbow was the first to break the silence. Thank Celestia, "A-… a… um… a-what?"
"Asexual. It means that I ain’t sexually attracted to anypony. So I can’t tell ya nuthin' 'bout how 'hot' or how 'sexy' ya look. It also means that I ain’t interested in havin' sex. Not all of us are sex repulsed, and neither am I. I just don’t feel comfortable or any kinda pleasure while havin' it… I know how much y’all love havin' sex… but… I don’t…"
"That all?" Rainbow tilted her head to one side, wearing a rather dumbfounded expression.
Applejack blinked, "What do ya by that?! We can’t have sex… I thought ya loved havin' it. If I'm yer full time partner, y’all'd never get ta have it… don’t that upset ya?"
Rainbow laughed. A very casual, Rainbow-like laugh, as if nothing at all had happened in the last five minutes, "'Course not! I like having sex ‘cause it’s one way I can say ‘I love you' without saying the words." She cleared her throat, "If you don’t like it, then what's the point? There's loads of other ways to say those words without saying those words. We can find one that you like too!" Rainbow grinned goofily. Leaning over the table, and pecking the girl on the cheek.
A bright hue of pink decorated itself across the already bright orange cheeks, "Does that work?" Rainbow asked, giggling a little.
Applejack nodded, smiling. She grabbed Rainbow by the neck, and hugged her tight, knocking over the board and the two pons that had been sat atop it.
"By the way," Rainbow whispered loudly enough for Aj to hear,
"Hm?" Applejack hummed back.
"I won."