Wicense to Kiww
One day when Rainbow Dash was flying over Ponyville, ostensibly clearing clouds but really hunting for a cold (and unclaimed) stratus where she could cool off, she spotted a curious creature far below.
The first word that came to mind was egghead. And not in the ‘My name is Twilight Sparkle and I love libraries!’ egghead, an egghead egghead, like a head in the shape of an actual bird’s egg. It was smooth and hairless, with the thick, bulbous part hidden under an oversized brown and red cap. Thin, narrowed eyes squinted out from under hairless eyebrows, the rest of the pudgy face just as bare. The biped carried a long, metallic object in one (appendage? claws? hand?) hand, the other lanky limb occasionally coming up to its eyes as it peered around. Its body was completely covered with a uniform brown coat only Applejack would wear, with dusky red boots that matched the back end of the long object in its grasp.
It stalked from one tree to another with long, exaggerated strides. Then it would look this way and that, then search the ground for tracks, then traipse along again. Was it lost, or just looking for something? Or somepony?
Curious, Rainbow Dash tilted her wings, gliding down and coming to a silent landing behind the creature.
“Hey,” she greeted with a casual, friendly smile.
The creature slowly turned back to face her, like any extraneous or quick movement might reveal its (not very well disguised) presence. It raised one meaty (claw? Digit? finger?) finger to its lips. “Shhhh,” he (she decided) whispered in a deep, gravely voice. “Be vewy, vewy quiet.”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t see any reason he needed to be silent, unless he was sneaking up on a tree. They always snuck up on her! Especially Applejack’s trees, so she got her revenge by napping in them.
“What’cha looking for?” she asked.
He turned and methodically checked every direction (including above and below, just in case something burrowed up to him) before answering. “I’m hunting wabbits,” he confided, as though the very mention of the thing would alert it. “Have you seen any wabbit twacks awound he-ah?”
“Um,” Rainbow Dash stalled, glancing around herself. She’s not sure what a ‘wabbit’ is. It’s either a rabbit (it would be rude to assume so based on his accent), or a walrus (possibly warthog) crossed with a rabbit. If it’s anything like a winterchilla, the small rodent that transforms into a terrifying monster, she would need to be extra cautious. “How tall is this ‘wabbit’?”
“Tawwer than me,” the hunter returned, waving above his head. “With weawwy, weawwy big fwont teeth.”
Definitely winterzilla territory. She groaned; she would rather be up in the air, where the other pegasus mares were spending the week. But if there was a monster about? She glanced at the object in his grasp. It’s longer than he is tall, longer than she is. It had a wooden base. Two hollow metal rods were glued together with a small triangle on the end to aim with. It didn’t look like much, but she could say the same about any number of Princess Celestia’s artifacts. It reminded her of Pinkie Pie’s cannons, a miniature and double-barreled Big Bertha. He was careful not to point it at her, mostly keeping it aimed at the ground or up in the sky.
“Right.” Rainbow Dash stuck her hoof out. “I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“Hewwo, Wainbow Dash.” She’s relieved when the other creature reached his hand out and shook her hoof.” I’m Ewmew Fudd.”
“Cool.” Rainbow Dash took her time to assess him (Ewmew? Elmel? Ermel? Ermer? Elmer? Definitely Elmer.) He looked a bit on the fat side, and not very fast, but she shouldn’t judge just based on speech impediments and appearance. Still, it couldn’t hurt to be sure. “You know what you’re doing, right?”
“Of couwse.” He reached inside his coat and pulled out a hoofful of small cards. “I’ve got wicenses to hunt ducks, mongooses, pigeons, dirty skunks, and wabbits.” His eyes gleamed with an intensity Rainbow Dash found worrisome. “Even fwicaseeing wabbit.”
Rainbow Dash took the last one, gasping. It’s signed by Princess Celestia herself! What did this fwicaseeing (actually spelled fricasseeing) wabbit do to earn her ire? Caused an alien invasion? Ripped holes in space and time? Ate a piece of her cake?
“Awesome.” Rainbow Dash gave the card back, and the collection disappeared into his coat. “Any idea where to look?”
“I’ve been wooking evewywhe-ah,” the hunter replied with a heavy sigh. “Do you know the game wawden?”
“Um, yeah.” Rainbow Dash took to the air. “Follow me.”
It took forever, but they finally arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage. “You know, you didn’t have to check behind every tree.”
He never stopped scanning, a vigilance Rainbow Dash found encouraging, if exasperating. “With my wuck, that wouwd be the twee he’s hiding behind.” His eyes widened at Fluttershy’s cottage. “And, speaking of twees.”
Fluttershy’s cottage, built to mimic the trees her animals love, loomed dark and silent. Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure if it was his presence, or the wabbit, but all the critters that normally congregate around the cottage were missing.
“You’ll want to wait here,” Rainbow Dash said, pointing to the bridge several paces away from the front door. “She’s… easily spooked.”
“Weww,” the hunter said, resting mini-Big on the wooden railing, “I wouwdn’t want to scawe h-ah.”
Rainbow Dash knocked on the door, then waited. Hopefully it wouldn’t take long; the mare always had trouble this time of year. But from too much attention or too little?
After a few seconds the door cracked open, one cyan eye staring out. The rest of the mare wasn’t any better; her pink mane looked like several birds had recently made it their home and her coat was all frazzled and unkempt. “Yes?”
Rainbow Dash gave an encouraging smile. “There’s someone outside who wants to talk. But I have to warn you, he’s a hunter.”
Fluttershy gasped. “A… a hunter?” The single pupil contracted to a pinprick before locking onto the creature standing on the bridge.
“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash apologized, scratching at the back of her head.
She was about to introduce him, only for Fluttershy to blow past her, knocking the surprised flier out of the air. Rainbow Dash gawked as the timid mare hurriedly smoothed out her coat with a quick shake and flip of her mane, looking every bit the model Rarity once coaxed her to be.
“Hello,” Fluttershy purred, batting her long eyelashes at the strange creature. She took her time, drinking in his appearance like a cold glass of apple cider on a hot day. “My name is Fluttershy.”
“Hewwo, Fwuttewshy.” He gave a curt nod of his head, pure business. “I’m Ewmew Fudd.”
It obviously wasn’t the reaction Fluttershy wanted, though she hid her pout well. She slinked forward, shaking her hips as her wings spread an inch from her sides. Rainbow Dash groaned. Could this have come at a worse time? “It’s very nice to meet you, Ewmew Fudd.”
The creature frowned. “It’s Ewmew Fudd.”
Fluttershy cocked her head, her smile locked in place. “Ermer Fudd?” she guessed.
“Ewmew Fudd.”
“Elmel Fudd?”
“Ewmew Fudd.”
Fluttershy acted like their last exchange hadn’t happened. “And what are you hunting, Mister Fudd?”
Elmer (because what else could it be) replied, “I hope you can help me, missus game wawden. I’m hunting wabbits. Is it wabbit season?”
“It’s always wabbit season,” Fluttershy lasciviously replied, licking her lips. “But it’s pony season right now.”
“Huh-huh-huh-huh,” Elmer laughed with a creeping, malicious grin. “Have you seen any wascally wabbits awound he-ah?”
“Wascally wabbits?” Fluttershy was pulled from her frenzy, looking more than a little distraught. “Oh dear.”
“That’s what I said,” Rainbow Dash interjected, hoping to keep up her bravado. Sweet Celestia; if Fluttershy thought they were bad? She was friends with manticores, cockatrices, and bears!
“I… Fluttershy anxiously glanced around, then pointed behind her cottage. She gulped. “I think I saw one over there.”
“Thank you, Fwuttewshy.” Elmer took off his cap and gave her a short bow. “I wouwd be etewnawwy gwatefuw fow any hewp appwehending this viowent monst-ah.”
“Oh, I know just how you can repay me.” Fluttershy grinned, then winked, then trotted into her house, tail swishing back and forth.
“Huh-huh-huh-huh,” Elmer laughed, rubbing his hands together. He chanted, mostly to himself, “Kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit!”
“This wabbit must be bad news, huh?” Rainbow Dash said, doing her best to inject cheer into her voice. It’s not that she’s against killing; like most ponies, she would prefer rehabilitation, but some monsters didn’t listen to reason. And couldn’t Fluttershy keep her head in the game? This was serious!
“The wowst,” Elmer replied, then went silent. He stalked, with one long stride after another, taking a full minute to (not very stealthily, in Rainbow Dash’s estimation) cross the gap from the bridge to the house, a distance Fluttershy traversed in about three seconds. “Huh-huh-huh-huh.”
“Oh, no,” came a high-pitched voice from behind the cottage.
Elmer grinned, then tiptoed (Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure how he tiptoed in boots, complete with rapid plinking sounds) the last few paces. He raised mini-Big to his face, looking down the sight on the end as he came around the corner.
There, held aloft by a pair of butter yellow hooves, was a squirming Angel Bunny. He yowled, fighting with everything he had, but the hoof gripping his tail and the other at the scruff of his neck were too much.
“I’m a dangerous wabbit,” came Fluttershy’s falsetto from just behind a planter box, the mare’s long pink tail easily visible. “I sure hope no nasty, mean hunter manages to find me!”
“Huh-huh-hu.” Elmer’s laugh cut off as he lowered mini-B, his mouth gaping open. “Dat’s the wong wabbit!”
“Oh, dear,” Fluttershy said, twisting Angel Bunny around to get a better look at him. “A-are you sure? He can be very rascally!”
“I’m suwe.” Elmer turned around and stalked away.
“Aww.” Fluttershy sank down, only for Angel Bunny to kick her hoof before he scampered off. She tucked the hoof into her chest, eyes shimmering.
“Hey,” Rainbow Dash consoled as Fluttershy nursed the kicked hoof. “It’s okay. We’ll catch that wabbit.” She grinned at her and ruffled the pink mane.
Fluttershy blinked a few times, clearing away the wetness. “Yes.” She matched Rainbow’s grin in a manner most foul. “Yes, you will.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as she took off, leaving Fluttershy behind. Now, where the hay did Elmer get off to? She knew he didn’t stalk around that quickly.
She finally found him outside of Carousel Boutique. He peered under Lyra’s stall, the mint green mare giving him a questionable look but otherwise saying nothing. Then he scanned the sky with the same intensity. Then he made several revolutions around the same lamppost, as though his quarry was just on the other side and might trip up at any moment.
Rarity came up to Rainbow Dash as he searched behind the pony-shaped seats ringing the Boutique. “Hello, darling.” She raised an eyebrow at the strange creature. “Have you been keeping your eye on this… newcomer?”
“More or less,” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Elmer, this is darling Rarity.”
Elmer stopped his search to carefully gauge the white mare. “You-ah putting me on.”
Rarity rolled her eyes, stepping forward to raise her hoof in greeting. “It’s just Rarity, darling.”
Elmer sighed, then tapped her hoof. “Hewwo, Wawity Dawwing.” He turned to Rainbow Dash. “Awe aww you ponies sahdwed with such wedicuwous appewwations?”
“No!” Rainbow Dash defensively shook her head, pointing at the ponies starting to congregate around them. “That’s Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle, and Cheerilee.” It took a moment, then her ears sheepishly folded down.
Elmer grunted something to himself. “Hewwo, Wywa, Twiwight Spawkwe, and Cheewiwee. Do any of you seww cawwots?” They shook their heads. He grunted through grit teeth. “Have you aww seen a wabbit awound he-ah?”
“A wabbit?” Rarity asked, glancing at Rainbow Dash.
“He says he’s hunting wabbits,” Rainbow Dash confirmed, “but if there’s already a wabbit in town we’re pretty screwed.”
“Oh, dear.” Rarity glanced around, then whispered, “You don’t think that wabbit is the one who stole my dress?”
“Unless he cross-dresses more than Big Mac?” Rainbow Dash snorted. “What kind of loon would do that?”
“Only the looniest.”
Rainbow Dash and the others turned, Elmer raising his mini-B, only to see Fluttershy wearing the dress. Smooth red silk spills along her slender sides, hugging all of her elegant curves. Two slits reveal her cutie marks and long, sexy legs, a third for the pink tail that spills down her backside in rippling waves. She shook her dolled-up mane, which came down to her barely covered (and stuffed? Fluttershy didn’t have snuggable chest floof like that) bosom. She raised one stockinged foreleg (it came up to her barrel!) to her muzzle and blew a kiss.
That set Rainbow Dash’s heart fluttering (no pun intended, she swore). She was glad there weren’t any stallions in the audience, or she could hardly have blamed them for what most certainly would have happened.
Elmer merely raised an eyebrow as he peered over his iron sights. “Jessica Wabbit?”
A lascivious grin swept across Fluttershy’s muzzle as she sauntered forward. “I’ll be anymare you want me to be, Mister Fudd.”
Elmer considered for a brief second, then angrily shook his head from side to side. “Afwaid I can’t, Miss Wabbit. Wog-ah wouwd gwill me cwispy-ah than a weg of wamb if I pway patty cake with ya.”
He turned and stalked away, leaving a quite distraught Fluttershy gaping. Rarity offered her a wither to cry on while she consoled the mare, though it was mostly a way to get the dress off before she did something that might ruin it.
Rainbow Dash groaned as she realized she lost the hunter again. Where would he have gone? He said something about carrots, so she flew off toward Applejack’s and the Carrot farmhouse.
She arrived just as Elmer stalked up to a group of three mares.
“Wet me guess,” Elmer directed at the mare with a cutie mark of three carrots. “Cawwot Fawm-ah?”
“I get that alot,” the goldenrod mare returned with a wink. “Golden Harvest. And this is Applejack and Coloratura.”
Elmer sighed grumpily. “Hewwo, Gowden Hawvest, Appwejack, and Cowowatuwa.”
“Please,” Coloratura said with a wink of her own. “Call me Rara.”
“Okay, Wawa.” Elmer didn’t look any happier with that name. “I’m wooking fow wasciwally wabbits. And wabbits wove cawwots. Have you-ah cawwots been wost, or mewewy mispwaced?”
The three mares shake their heads, only for a voice to come from behind.
“I would love a carrot.”
There, fully covered by the bunny costume Granny Smith uses to make Zap Apple Jam, was Fluttershy. She had two white plates serving as buck teeth and two floppy bunny ears. It didn’t do anything for Rainbow Dash, but it sent Elmer’s motor going.
“Huh-huh-huh-huh,” he laughed uproariously as he raised his mini-B. “I’ve got you now, wabbit.” He aimed down the barrel. “Say you-ah pway-ahs, wabbit.”
Fluttershy grinned and gave the posh rump of the costume a teasing shake. Applejack groaned and covered her eyes, the other two only mildly concerned.
A deafening blast rattled the windows.
Fluttershy slumped over.
“Huh-huh-huh-huh.” Elmer gleefully stomped over to the fallen pegasus. “Now I’ve got my hands on that scwewy wabbit.” He grabbed onto a hing leg, easily hoisting her limp body onto his shoulder. “Now, whe-ah wouwd that scwewbaww duck have gone off to?”
Rainbow Dash sighed as Fluttershy winked at her from across his back. If Celestia showed up in a duck costume…