Extreme Metal has arrived in Equestria. And it's going to be bloody good.
Carnivore is one of Equestria's first extreme metal bands. Daring to play brutal, fast music focusing on the darkest aspects of life (and death, naturally) , Carnivore are determined to push the envelope as far as they can, and then some more.
But the big question on everypony's lips is... just who is lead guitarist, Salty Licks? And why does she remind Rainbow Dash of one of her best friends?
WARNING: Questionable lyrics, song titles and band names. Hence the violence, gore and profanity tags.
Rainbow Dash loved noise. The more it matched the constant buzz in her head, the better. To her mind, no bands in Equestria could better understand this than the likes of Iron Mare and Black Minos.
Rainbow Dash was a rocker, 100%. Her friends all knew it (to varying degrees of acceptance - from Pinkie's mutual regard for loud music, to Applejack's straightforward neutrality, to Rarity's complete disdain). Twilight found the lyrical content, much based on Equestrian history, to be fascinating, if not minorly inaccurate - Rainbow called it artistic license. Twilight teased her about listening to egghead metal, to which the pegasus scoffed good-naturedly. And while Rainbow did not know for absolute certain, she was willing to bet that Fluttershy would probably implode from fright if she even heard a double kick drum.
In the moons since Black Minos released their eponymous debut, Rainbow had discovered an entire underground music scene dedicated to the sound the Birmareham quartet had revolutionized. Sombra Priestess, Motörhoof, The Chimeras, St. Equinus, Mercyful Destiny, Metallicolt (and Maretallica, a rival band created by their ex-lead guitarist Diva Mustang)...
After a while, however, Rainbow found herself in a bit of a rut. She'd listened to all of the metal out there, and while she loved it, she felt like she was missing something.
Soon, bands like Flayer and Poisonjoke were upping the speed, mixing in elements of punk bands like Black Banner, The Smash and The Ruts. The lyrics got darker, angrier.
Dash needed more.
When Carnivore hit the scene shortly after Twilight's coronation, Rainbow was unprepared for the sheer awesomeness they were about to unleash.
Especially their lead guitarist, Salty Licks. A stark white unicorn with incredible face paint, blood red eyes and hooves that bent her guitar to her very will.
And yes, Rainbow Dash thought she was incredibly sexy.
And vaguely familiar.
Rainbow stared at the track listing of Carnivore's debut album, Eat Meat, for a solid minute, sweating just a tiny bit.
Welcome to Tartaurus? Hoof In Mouth Disease? Pony Leather?
She swallowed the rising bile in her throat.
EAT MEAT?
The stallion behind the counter smirked. His cap had a Motörhoof logo on it. His muzzle was dark with stubble and his eyes looked (perpetually) bloodshot.
"That one might be a little extreme for your tastes, missy," he opined like a moron. "That's no Sapphire Shores you got there. That's intended for more--" He faux-coughed, also like a moron, "--mature ponies."
Rainbow Dash shot him a withering glare. Composing herself, she brought the record over to him and dropped it from her wing with disdain.
"How. Much?" she growled.
This time, the stallion gulped and stuttered, "D--I... I didn't m-mean anything by th-that!"
Rainbow Dash scoffed and blew her mane out of her eyes. "Whatever dude. I listen to heavy metal. I know extreme."
Something about the stallion's expression made her take pause. "Yeah? You ever hear of Coltcrusher? Or Hayhem? Herbivore Corpse?"
Rainbow gave him a blank stare.
To her annoyance, he just chuckled and said, "Yeah, thought so. If you like your music extreme, then this will be a real treat."
It was insane.
Rainbow Dash was a Wonderbolt, an Element of Harmony, the greatest flier to come out of Cloudsdale, and one of the toughest ponies around. She had survived everything from being pulled into an enchanted comic book, to being possessed by dark waters that corrupted her, to a Grand Galloping Gala attended by Discord and the Smooze. Grappling with Nightmare beings, belligerent dragons, creatures of chaos and whatever species of adorable demon Scootaloo happened to be, Rainbow was no soft customer.
Carnivore's debut album took every moment of insanity that she had ever experienced and compressed it all into a forty minute aural assault of guttural shrieking, discordant harmonies and drums that evoked images of Buffalo stampeding through a wide cavern. She had thought that Metallicolt, with their songs about war and madness, were about as intense as you could get. At least then, she could understand what the singer was singing.
Lord Masticator, the lead singer, was utterly undecipherable. Rainbow Dash had spent enough time with Fluttershy at her animal sanctuary and had heard just about every sound her critter friends, big and small, could muster up. What she heard on Carnivore's album was just unlike any living creature she had ever encountered, living, dead, imagined, conjured or otherwise created. She wondered if there was magic involved.
The lyrics were written in the record sleeve. At first Rainbow was sickened. Then she was enthralled. Then, she was just amused. Like everything she loved in life, this was extremity for the sake of pushing envelopes and shocking ponies - two of her favorite things!
"I bet Pinkie would get a kick out of this," Rainbow said as she replaced the record in the sleeve. She slid it into her saddle bag and headed for her front door.
Pinkie Pie was guffawing about halfway through the tracklist.
"Eat Meat? Hee hee, we are meat! That would be silly!" She snorted again, and Rainbow Dash wiped her forehead in relief. Of course Pinkie would be unfazed by this...
"Death Metal is soooooo fun! It's like being really happy, but angry, but you're really happy to be so angry, and you get to share your angrippy - hapry? - with everypony else who's raging out and you all dance like you're stomping bubble wrap and you can be impolite to ponies in the no manners pit and bump into them without even saying sorry unless you want to, which you totally can--"
Rainbow Dash shoved a hoof into her excitable pal's noisemaker.
"Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on a second. Death metal?" Rainbow's eyes shone. "That is legitimately the coolest. Thing. Ever!
Pinkie hopped in place, still giggling. "I know, it's so dramatic!"
"Dramatic doesn’t even begin to describe it!" Rainbow licked her lips. She could feel her adrenaline rising. "I want to hear more!"
Rainbow slapped down a hoof-ful of bits and grinned at the stallion behind the counter (wearing an Equuicide cap today). "What else you got?"
After a moment to process this challenge, the stallion returned her grin. He reached under the desk and after a few moments of rooting around, he pulled out another record. He held it up to show her the cover.
It read "Masters of Death Volume II".
A small sticker read, "feat. 'Demaned, Dehooved, Debrained' by Vanhoover phenomenon Coltcrusher!!!"
Rainbow's jaw hung open a moment before she snapped it closed.
Naturally, having royalty among your fanbase was an enormous boon for any artist. And Carnivore were no exception. Having the Princess of Night call your band, "Exactly what we wish could have been possible when we were but an angry youth" was an endorsement of which one could only dream.
Thunder Pain, bassist for Carnivore (and obviously Thunderlane wearing white face paint, to anypony who had any sense) dropped the issue of Metal Mane-iacs he had been reading and stared across the table at his bandmate Brütal Impact. She was lazily tapping her drum sticks against the seat cushion she was seated on.
"Princess Luna is a fan," Thunderlane whispered.
Brütal Impact grunted in acknowledgement. Continued to drum.
"One of the rulers of Equestria is a fan of our Death Metal band." He continued to stare.
She continued to drum.
"Maud!" he finally exclaimed. "Don't you get it?"
Brütal Impact - aka Rr. Maud Pie, PhR. - drummer for Carnivore, merely blinked at her bandmate.
"Yes. We're very good," she replied in her patented monotone.
Before Thunderlane could retort, they were presently joined by another stallion. He appeared to be in the midst of applying his own face paint in his trademark design. His purple aura held a swab with white paint and was gently smoothing out his layers. His cutie mark - a flaming treble clef - had been touched up already.
"What are you tweetering on about?" he asked. This was Lord Masticator, vocalist for Carnivore. Thunderlane's coat was practically snowy compared to the jet-black of his bandmate's. His mane was a deep, crimson red that glinted under the stage lights. He was the very picture of heavy metal esthetic. All the mares (and a lot of stallions) swooned.
Thunderlane was positive he dyed both.
Maud tapped out a complicated tattoo and answered, "Thunderlane is having difficulty in comprehending the magnitude of our success."
Lord Masticator raised a brow and gestured to the discarded magazine. "What? You mean Princess Luna?" He snorted. "Mad, that one. If she's listening to our dreck, then this kingdom is far worse off than I thought."
Thunderlane's jaw fell open, and Maud watched with detatched fascination as yet another political arguement broke out between her bandmates.
Maud didn't sigh. She didn't even roll her eyes, or scoff. She simply continued drumming.
She was still uncertain why Salty Licks had asked her to join the band. Other than their discrete romantic relationship, that is. Maud played drums well, but when she had pointed out that her sister was far better and more suited to the type of music Salty played, the guitarist had scoffed and insisted that Maud was the only pony she would dream of asking. Pinkie was frenetic and outrageous, and what Salty wanted was steady and intense.
Maud Pie knew intensity.
Maud Pie was intensity.
Also, being an earth pony made setting up and packing up that much easier.
The door to the green room creaked open. Salty Licks, already decked out in her fabulous black silken robes and otherworldly make-up, slipped into the room and wound her way around her bickering bandmates. She nuzzled Maud and gave her a delicate kiss on the cheek (so as to not ruin either of their make up). Maud blinked warmly.
"You look really great," she remarked.
Salty Licks winked but said nothing.
Maud was still getting used to that.
Rainbow managed to snatch up a pair of tickets to the next Carnivore gig, in Baltimare. The days leading up to it were like a training regimine. Rainbow was determined to become acquainted with Carnivore's catalogue (their debut had been preceeded by two demos, an EP and a split with Coltcrusher). She was also curious about the opening act, Goatworm, whose singer was purported to be a goat-tatzlwurm hybrid.
Pinkie came along, of course. She was one of a few metal fans she knew from Ponyville. Thunderlane was another, but Dash hadn't managed to get a hold of him before the concert. And no amount of sheer adorable would convince her to bring Scootaloo along. Rainbow Dash had some common sense.
So it was just Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Not that Dash could really complain too much - having Pinkie along was really like inviting a small party in itself.
"--and then the cannon went off right in the dragon's face! And then I was like Yay! and the dragon was all like Wha-aaaa? And then I was all like Aw yeah! In! Your! Face! Which is really funny because--"
Then again... Rainbow Dash exhaled, blowing a stray lock of mane out of her face. Pinkie was oblivious to her boredom.
The train ride took an hour, and before long, the pair had checked in to their hotel room, grabbed a few carrot dogs from a street vendor, and made their way (Pinkie pronking of course) towards the venue.
The line was considerable, given the relatively small niche to which the genre lent itself. More than a hundred ponies, dragons, griffins, zebras, changeling and even a trio of breezies. Rainbow almost couldn't believe it when she saw Manny the Manticore and exchanged hoof/paw bumps with him while he and Pinkie playfully butt heads. They waved and continued down to the end of the queue, greeting Vinyl Scratch, Lyra Heartstrings and Berry Punch along the way. Lyra and Berry didn't strike her as the types of ponies who would listen to death metal, but she supposed that it took all kinds. It was nice to know that there were more fans who lived nearby.
Rainbow was perhaps the most surprised to see Cheerilee and her sister Cherry Blossom decked out in bright glam metal attire. Wait till Scoots and her friends heard about that.
The wait was reasonably short - about 20 minutes before the doors opened, then perhaps another 10 to get inside. Pinkie was all smiles and giggles while Rainbow was gradually becoming bored. Luckily, the stallions just ahead of them had really cool vests on covered with hoofsewn patches with band names and logos, and Rainbow was content to inspect them all as they waited.
Goatworm took the stage soon after they found a spot, and Rainbow was just a little disappointed when the lead singer was merely a goat wearing a fabric serpent tail. His vocals were amazing though, and she found herself cheering extra hard as they finished their last song.
There was a quick special performance by a strange avant garde band called Wingboner, who were locals of Baltimare and friends of the venue's owner. Rainbow didn't really get it - how is an accordion metal? - but Pinkie really seemed to like them. Their singer was completely straight-faced as he crooned about living banana creatures and melting dirt roads and... well, Rainbow wasn't entirely sure. She had to admit that their drummer was really good. Their banjo player wasn't.
That experience only lasted 15 minutes, but Rainbow was still a little miffed.
At last, the lights went down again, smoke began filling the arena, and the air was pierced with slowly rising wails which climaxed with a bright flash from the stage. And then Carnivore was there.
Brütal Impact called the song and bashed her sticks together.
The door to the green room slammed open, making two of the assembled members of Carnivore jump out of their seats.
Maud didn't even flinch. She just took another sip of her Quartz wine and pushed Boulder's tumbler closer to him. She watched with her normal cool gaze as Rainbow Dash stormed in, pulling a pronking Pinkie Pie by the tail inside before whirling around and pointing a hoof at Thunderlane. Lord Masticator was quick to scramble out of the line of fire.
"THIS IS WHY YOU SKIPPED OUT ON WORK THE LAST THREE FRIDAYS?" she bellowed a mere hoof from his muzzle. He cowered.
Before he could say anything, her demeanor switched on a dime and she was cackling. She punched her thoroughly terrified subordinate in the withers and said, "Ha! Totally worth it. But you shoulda told me, you doofus!"
Thunderlane felt his body cautiously relax and gave a nervous laugh of his own. He turned a pleading gaze to his bandmates, both of whom simply stared back.
Pinkie Pie took that moment to break the tension by appearing behind her sister and glomping her.
"Eeeeeeeee! Maud, you were super-duper-drummer-ific!" she squealed. "Oh! I mean..." she amended slyly, "Brütal Impact." She waggled her eyebrows, much to Maud's ambivalence.
Rainbow Dash stared at Pinkie and said, "Uh, Pinks? What did you just do with your mouth?"
"It's called a yümlot!" Pinkie chirped, then pranked off to the catering table.
Rainbow looked at Maud, who shrugged.
"Pinkie said my stage name was too harsh, so I added an ümlat and made a happy face." Inside, Maud was giggling. Rainbow didn't know this and also retreated to food.
She sidled up next to Pinkie, taking a hoof-ful of pretzels and a mug of cider (she was delighted to discover that it was Sweet Apple Acres cider). She whispered to her friend, "So where's Salty Licks? And who is she, for that matter?"
"Rarity!" Pinkie exclaimed through a mouthful of potato chips and carrot greens.
There was a beat before Rainbow Dash burst into hysterical laughter. "Bah-ha-ha-ha! Rarity? Yeah, sure Pinks. Rarity plays death metal. Yup." She rolled her eyes and nommed a pretzel.
Pinkie would have retorted, but Lord Masticator took that opportunity to slide inbetween them, his sleazy leer leveled on Rainbow.
"So this is the infamous Rainbow Dash, eh?" He drawled in a clearly fake Trottingham accent.
Rainbow Dash let her glare do all the work for her. The dyed ponce slowly crumbled and backed off without another word, his make up sweating down his face. Thunderlane rolled his eyes.
Rainbow turned her attention back to him, haranguing him about Salty Licks' identity.
"Sorry Crash," he apologized, "but we've all been sworn to secrecy."
Rainbow grumbled to herself. "Where is she even at? Shouldn't she be here with you guys?"
"Salty Licks is a very private pony," Maud intoned. Rainbow Dash turned back to her. "After each concert, she returns to her home."
"It's Rariteeeeeeeee!" Pinkie thrilled from the potted plant behind Rainbow.
The pegasus groaned and retorted, "Shut up Pinkie, Salty Licks is not Rarity."
Even Maud rolled her eyes this time.
A few hours later, Maud and Thunderlane arrived back in Ponyville. Luna's moon was at its apex.
Thunderlane yawned widely as the duo walked toward the center of town.
"Your sister is a minor menace," he told his bandmate. "It's a good thing that Crash didn't take her seriously."
Maud hummed in agreement.
He shot Maud a frown. "You didn't tell her, did you?"
"Thunderlane," she droned, "it's Pinkie Pie."
Well, he could hardly argue her point.
When they reached Thunderlane's house, they hoof bumped and Maud continued on her way.
She arrived at Carousel Boutique just as the front door began to glow blue and slowly opened. Maud stepped inside and closed it behind her.
"Darling," Rarity purred from the stairway. She was clad in her soft peach robe. Her face and mane were immaculate, no hint of make-up left over. Maud met her at the landing and they nuzzled tenderly.
"You were absolutely fantastic, my dear," Rarity said.
"You were as well," Maud intoned.
Rarity held Maud's cheek in one hoof, a soft smile on her face. She pulled Maud in and gave her a chaste kiss. Maud let her eyes close and favored Rarity with a tiny smile, and a light blush.