Optimal Strategies
Equestria Online Speedrun
You'll see a newspaper (those still exist in 2012, when the beginning of this game is set.) On one page, a fluffy article about some new computer game with custom hardware. On the facing page, a small advertisement for the game.
Reach into your wallet or purse (depends on starting gender) to find your credit card. Find your mobile phone (usually in back pocket, 25% chance in purse if female.) Call the phone number you memorized before starting the game (401-555-0122) and use your credit card to order a Ponypad, fastest delivery option.
Now you can read the advertisement and article, if you want to.
Time skip to Ponypad's arrival.
When your Ponypad arrives, strip off all packaging. Do not connect the charger, basepiece, etc. Without charging, you can use the pad for twenty minutes before the battery will go dead. Plenty of time! Turn the pad on by depressing the large red button. Use default settings (or whatever Celestia chooses for you, either is fine) to create a new user account. Tell Celestia that you wish you could be a pony all the time, it's your only reason to live.
Don't wait for Celestia to offer you an upload. Buy a plane ticket to Japan (call 401-555-0190, use same credit card as before) and ask your Ponypad for directions to the secret alpha test site. Be careful not to run out of money. You won't need money once you've uploaded, but if you run low before then, you might have to take a slower train instead of the Shinkansen, and lose precious hours.
When you get off the train, if you see a man with a limited edition MLP sticker on his messenger bag, wave to him. He will probably offer you a ride to the alpha testing site, which is several minutes faster than finding a taxicab.
When you arrive at the alpha testing site, refuse food and drink. The more desperate you seem, and the less likely to survive without uploading, the sooner you'll be bumped to the front of the line.
Also, take off your shoes when you enter the main warehouse, even if it looks dirty. Sometimes that affects how fast you get bumped.
Once you get into the uploading chair and say "I want to emigrate to Equestria," the rest of the game runs on rails. It really doesn't matter what you say or do, after that point.
As an unofficial minigame, some players like to try to escape the chair and see how far they can get, before robot tentacle arms drag them back. So far, no players have found any way to make the rest of the game longer or shorter, no matter what they do. After the player agrees to 'emigrate,' it always lasts exactly fifty-two seconds.
The unofficial record for distance from the chair (before the robots drag you back) is about fifteen steps.
Equestria Online Distance Run
First, read the speedrun instructions. You might even do the speedrun as practice. If you want to cancel out of the speedrun before the end, use the usual Konami code to bring up a "secret" options menu.
During your distance run, you start the game looking at the same newspaper as in the speedrun. Put the newspaper down, and use your mobile to find the nearest convenience store, all-in-one market, or other seller of lottery tickets. Use the winning numbers schedule at the end of this document, to buy tickets in as many lotteries as are listed and are available in your play location.
At this point, use the attached map to see how many different lotteries you can play before ticket sales close. Note the Canadian and Mexican options. If you don't speak Spanish, the Mexican option can be a bit risky. If you don't speak French, but are forced by deadlines or lack of other options to travel into Quebec and enter a Canadian lottery, use page C5 (immediately after the Canadian border map, including passcodes to neutralize or escape all listed anti-personnel devices.)
If your in-game character has a current United States passport, skip to page seventeen. Otherwise, skip to page eighteen.
Note: there is no single standard distance run record, as available options depend on the randomized start-of-game variables.
Equestria Online Time Run: Longest In-Game Time
To the best of our knowledge, the longest in-game time a playthrough can last is only achievable in one way: you must play as the character Hamasa Sarbani, a resident of Kabul District within Afghanistan.
If you can't arrange to be H. Sarbani, your best bet is to travel to Afghanistan or one of the other listed central Asian republics. See the maps on pages C7 and C8. Through carefully using time skips, the longest recorded time run completed so far lasted a little over three years. Travel advice and guides can be obtained in-game. We recommend the "F**ed Planet" series of guides, especially after in-game 2013.
The length of the longest time run currently in progress but NOT completed is, understandably, not yet known.
DRM Warning
These instructions are protected by several DRM (Digital Rights Management) measures. Attempts to print or photocopy these instructions will fail. These instructions contain subtle patterns of microdots similar to those on recent U.S. paper currency. Photocopiers or printers which detect such patterns will refuse to print, and might enter additional failure modes.
Attempts to scan these instructions into a tablet, mobile phone, or other computing device will very likely run afoul of at least one officially uncatalogued computer virus or worm. Your device will shut down, and might suffer additional problems such as a ransomware mode.
Also, any sex pics on your computing device? Copies of those pictures might travel to places where you would rather they wouldn't.
Some people have thought it would be a cute idea to try to take a full copy of these instructions into the game itself. This works to a limited extent, but if you try to duplicate the instructions in-game, you will encounter the same problems as in real life. Yes, the game's simulation really IS that accurate.