I just wanted to be a mother...
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Dear Princess Celestia
I hope all is well in Canterlot, things here, well... they are not working as I expected. Today I received another
pregnancy result and I spent at least an hour gathering my courage to be able to review it knowing what the result
would be, I hope it would say something different ... hehe, another negative result ...
These last few months have been ... not the best of my life ... and in each new session it has been a little more difficult
and harder to go back and forth with another new medical result, but I’m not going to lose hope just yet! I know that
one day I will succeed in getting to be a mother.
After seeing the happy faces of Candence and my brother when Flurry Heart was born, I knew in that instant that I
wanted that for myself, I know that I do not have a stallion by my side for a formal relationship and to start a
traditional family with. But I also know that some single mares have made this decision of artificial insemination, I
know that one day I will be a mother... I know that I will be a good mother.
Nurse Redhearth always waits for me when I come to the hospital, she greets me with a smile and hugs me when I arrive. cheers me up with phrases like, "maybe that was not the one Twilight" or, "quiet Twilight, we can always try the other week ”, but... negative results are starting to pile up on my desk and... I don't know... I can't let a few negative tests take away my dreams of being a mother.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hello, I have to inform you that I have done these days.
Twilight sparkle
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Twilight slowly put with her magic down her quill into the inkwell. She took the parchment and gently rolled it up leaving it on her desk to send it for the princess in the morning, she couldn't send it at that moment because Spike was sleeping peacefully in his bed hugging his pillow and tucked in his little blanket probably dreaming about his day with Rarity, Spike had agreed that today he would help Rarity to collect her gems for the dresses for next season.
She would come to pick up "Spikey Wikey" very early in the morning and they would return after the sunset. Twilight wasn't going to wake up Spike. Hours of sleep are very important for the development of a little dragon.
Twilight stood watching amusingly at Spike for a couple of minutes as he slept quietly in his bed and as the candle slowly burned down on his desk, the dim, flickering light of the candle didn't help Twilight's current mood much thinking about how Spike could sleep so peacefully and how little Spike needed to have a happy day, just a couple of hours helping Rarity in her day-to-day life and she formed a slight smile peeking over her face. she walked over to the little dragon giving him a loving caress kiss on his forehead "goodnight Spike, get some rest."
Twilight whispered in his ear before laying down on his bed and blowing out the candle with her magic.
When she finally got to lie down on her bed Twilight could not stop thinking about her results of the pregnancy tests, when she started the treatment the nurse explained to her, that this method was not a natural one and it was going to be a very difficult to get pregnant, Twilight never thought that more than fifteen attempts would be enough to get some positive results.
She didn't want these testing phases to ruin her desire to be a mother, after a couple of hours of thinking about her last medical result, Twilight fell peacefully to sleep.
It had been a few days since Twilight had her last test and today was the day for her new session with Nurse Redhearth.
Twilight woke up early, after her showers and fixing her mane, she went down the stairs of the castle towards the kitchen where Spike was preparing breakfast for them at the tables.
"Good morning Spike, how did you sleep last night?" greeted Twilight to the little dragon as she happily trotted in the direction of the table with a smile on her face, something told her in her mind that today would be a great day.
Spike was approaching the table with a glass of fresh milk in one paw and a bowl of crunchy gems in the other to sit down at the table to eat his breakfast, today Spike would have another date with Rarity.
"Hello Twilight, I see you woke up in a very good mood, you look so radiant" the little dragon replied to the princess as he held the glass of milk out to Twilight before sitting down to eat his bowl of gems.
"Thank you, Spike! I feel like today is going to be a good day... hmmm Spike, this breakfast looks delicious... fresh milk, orange juice, daisy sandwich... and you heated my oatmeal to the temperature I like... Spike you didn't have to bother yourself so much" Twilight looked at Spike with a tender smile as the smells of her breakfast brightened her morning more and more.
"It's no bother Twilight, I know today is an important day for you and I want you to be well-fed and fully energized for your appointment at the hospital today" Spike replied to Twilight as he devoured a large blue gem from his breakfast.
A breakfast made with love was just what Twilight needed today to keep her good spirits up before going to the hospital, which reminded her of the relationship Spike started a few days ago with Rarity and as she ate her daisy sandwich she asked the little dragon about his plans for today, "and tell me, Spike, how are things going with Rarity, she told me she had a lot of fun with you the other day."
"It went great Twilight, We laughed, we looked for gems, we laughed some more, we had lunch together by a tree outside Ponyville, then we talked all afternoon without noticing that the time was flying and that's why we got back late."
Spike answered her with a big smile while he finished eating his breakfast, "and today Rarity promised me she would make me a new dress suit, which reminds me" Spike paused for a second to eat the last gem from his bowl tossing it in the air and catching it with his mouth, "that I have to leave soon to find Rarity, I told her I would help her to get her new fabric order from the train station before I go to her house" Spike stood up from the table with his empty bowl and his glass of milk heading towards the kitchen.
"Have fun Spike, I'll finish my breakfast and take my cutlery’s to the kitchen."
Spike nodded his head and headed in the direction of the kitchen. After a minute or two, he shouted "See you later Twilight, good luck at the hospital"
"Thanks, Spike. have fun with Rarity!" And with that Spike left the castle and Twilight alone with her thoughts and the rest of her breakfast, Twilight was startled when she heard knocking sounds behind the doors of the castle, after finishing her breakfast, she went to look for who it could be.
"Hello?" it was the voice of a very familiar gray-winged mare in Ponyville.
Twilight couldn't guess whose voice it was but she knew it was a familiar voice, she quickly stood up from the table in the direction of the castle doors, "one second" she answered quickly trotting to open the doors with her magic, still unable to remember whose voice it was.
"Yeah?, Derpy, what are you doing here so early, I thought the castle wasn't on your tour until the afternoon, what is that huge box, and what happened to your mane?" Twilight bombarded the pegasus with questions with a puzzled look on her face as she received mail so early in the morning.
"Hello, Twilight Sparkle! Today this package arrived for you from Canterlot and the courier asked for the delivery address but... " Derpy paused for a moment to brush her mane with her hoof while making cracking noises "We had a slight impasse about "WHO MAKES DELIVERIES IN THIS TERRITORY!" Derpy replied to Twilight with excitement. and after a few seconds later Derpy pulls out of her bag a signing dispatch board to sign the delivery which Twilight signs without major problems and remembering in the future not to anger the pegasus in her work, after signing the dispatch sheets Derpy happily nods her head and flies away.
After a few moments of thinking with the hope that no one would get hurt in the "impasse" with the mailmare, Twilight lifts the box with her magic to check its content, as she enters the library, she leaves the huge box on the table opened.
"Let’s see what we have here... a book titled "your first foa-", Twilight couldn't hold her excitement dropping the book on the floor. She starts to excitedly jump around the library, "it's here... it's here... it's here... my order from the "future mom store" I was looking forward to this package"
After her excitement burst outs Twilight calms down and with a big smile, she goes back to the box to finish checking its content.
"let's see... my first mom books, baby clothes, toys, and awwww... my crib!" Twilight takes a moment to read the books on how to raise your first foal and quickly learn its contents from cover to cover, after a few hours Twilight remembers her appointment at the hospital. "Geez, I'm going to be late, Twilight lifts the box with her magic to a room she had already prepared for her future baby, the room with a large lavender carpet, some furniture, clothes, a box of new and old toys that she got from her mother that she sent her a long time ago.
After leaving the castle and closing the doors, Twilight began to jog towards the hospital quietly through the central square and the market where most of the inhabitants of Ponyville spent their days doing their morning and afternoon shopping.
Roseluck and Daisy attended the flower shop like any other day, but Lily was not seen in the stall, which caught Twilight's attention. It was normal for the three of them to go out to make a purchase or a delivery, so Twilight did not give it much importance and continued her way through the market.
On the other side of the market, Golden Harvest was laughing while Bulk Biceps ate a carrot and shouted his characteristic phrase and a little further on in the market was an orange mare along with a big red stallion and a little filly knew to all, finishing ordering the fruit they’re going to sell in the market and a cart with several barrels full of apples.
"Good morning Applejack, wow that's a lot of fruit to sell today don't you think?" asked the princess as she saw the hundreds of apples they brought to the market.
"Hi Twi! this wagon here? haha no... this here is for a delivery I have to make near Hollow Shades. Apple Bloom is going to take care of business today and Big Mac is going back to the farm, it will be a couple of days trip only." replied the filly as she finished unloading a couple of boxes from the wagon. "And tell me Twilight what brings you to the market at this hour, run out of ink and quills?" she asked the princess with a smile and a little giggle imagining why she was at the market at this hour.
"No AppleJack, I still have a few bottles of ink left for about three days, I have a new appointment at the hospital today"
"Oh, I hope you get lucky today sugar cube, I know you want this to work."
"Thanks, Applejack, I have a good feeling today" replied Twilight as she hugged her friend, "I have to go now, good luck on your journey Applejack. good day Big Mac!, you to Apple Bloom!" Twilight says her goodbyes before continuing her journey to the hospital.
Already in front of the Ponyville hospital, Twilight was always nervous. Being that she has done this same procedure several times in her mind, she still thought as if it was the first time she did it.
She was grateful that on that day princess Celestia accompanied her and waited for her during the whole process, gathering some courage she went back once again to enter the hospital. Already in the reception room, Twilight knew what she had to do. She just asked if Nurse Redhearth was ready for her appointment, which after a brief confirmation she went to the maternity ward where Nurse Redhearth was already waiting for her.
After finishing the procedure Twilight left the hospital when shortly before going out the door when she heard her name spoken "Twilight... Twilight waits a moment", the princess stopped, and when she turned to see who was calling her she realized it was nurse Redhearth trotting in her direction.
"Twilight I have to tell you some news", said the nurse as she stopped a few steps in front of the alicorn.
"What happened nurse, was there a problem with my procedure?", quickly a feeling of worry and nerves invaded Twilight's face, she didn't want this, what must have happened, was there a problem with today's session?
"No problem Twilight relax, everything went perfectly." the answer calmed the princess down a bit but she still had some concern on her face.
"As you have had problems with your sessions and pregnancy, I took the liberty of contacting a colleague at the medical school and he is an expert on mares with this kind of problems.", Twilight's concerned face quickly changed to one of interest. "and he told me that he can help by indicating a list of medications and a diet that may favor a positive result. But first, he needs that me send him a blood sample so he can find any imbalance in your immune system, that would indicate the best possible treatment. Of course, I indicated that you are an anonymous patient of mine." Redhearth waited a few seconds for Twilight to process that information before continuing to speak.
"I hope you don't mind that I did without consulting you first, but I didn't want to give you false hope." the princess's face once again returned to one of happiness, now with the help of an expert she knew it was only a matter of time before she got a positive result.
Twilight threw herself over Redhearth in a hug so tight it would put Applejack to shame, "thank you nurse Redhearth, something told me this morning, that today would be a great day! I don't know how to thank you..." a tapping on her back interrupted the princess, given by a nurse with a too red face struggling to breathe.
"Emm... sorry, I guess I got a little too excited." Twilight tried to apologize with a chuckle in her words after releasing the mare she had between her front legs.
"Don't worry Twilight... ufff" replies the nurse after being able to take a good breath and spend a few seconds adjusting her outfit, "come with me to my office so I can get some samples of your blood and send them today, the result should arrive in a few days".
Both mares nod their heads and Twilight followed nurse Redhearth.
The procedure of taking Twilight's blood took much longer than usual, and more painful than the princess would have liked it. It was because the skin of an alicorn is more resistant than that of an earth pony. but now the princess was on her way to the castle of friendship, she only had to eat something and order the huge box she received in the morning with the things for her future foal.
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Dear Princess Celestia
This morning when I woke up I had the feeling that today would be a great day and I was right, today nurse Redhearth
told me that she contacted a friend of hers expert in mares with pregnancy problems and after asking me for a blood
sample, she sent it by pony-express and the results will arrive in a few days about some medicines that I can take and a special food diet to favor a positive result.
Also today my order from the Future Mom Store arrived from Canterlot, I ordered the books and the box of toys, also
my old books and toys that I asked my mom to send me. the crib I couldn't put together... hehe, the instructions are a little confusing but Spike promised to help me tomorrow to put the crib together for me.
Also, Rarity is coming to have lunch with us and she will help me to make the perfect curtains designs for the future. "mini Twilight's" room.
I am so excited that I will also send a letter to Candence and my brother telling him the good news, I hope you will
answer me soon and tell me how things are going around the castle.
Twilight Sparkle
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A couple of days later
The train carriage from Canterlot to Ponyville felt cold, lifeless, silent, and completely lonely, even though there were other passengers in the carriage Twilight felt empty, abandoned. She never imagined that the same pony that gave her the news of hope a few days ago, this morning would bring her a devastating reality, still vivid memories of that conversation.
"Nurse Redhearth what are you doing so early in my house?"
Twilight couldn't see the smoke coming out of the locomotive, but she could smell it coming in through her window.
"Twilight... we need to talk..."
An earth pony dressed in conductor's clothes entered the carriage and gave a message, but Twilight didn't bother to listen to him. Still thinking about that morning's conversation.
"Your hormone levels are very low Twilight..."
"What does that mean?"
A couple of houses and buildings were visible out the window, but Twilight just gazed out into the emptiness.
"The chances of you being able to get pregnant Twilight are..."
"Princess?... Princess Twilight?" the same earth pony that entered the carriage minutes ago was now tapping her on the shoulder.
"Ah, yes?"
"We've arrived in Ponyville princess!" the conductor replied to Twilight, calling out to her when he realized she was the only passenger left on the train.
"Oh, thank you!" Twilight replied in an emotionless tone as she got off the train at the Ponyville station, to begin her lonely journey to the castle of friendship.
The raw truth that the nurse told Twilight was what drove her in the first place to go to Canterlot and talk to Princess Celestia to ask for her help. But Princess Celestia's lapidary answer was the final point to collapse her long-term hopes.
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Earlier that same day
"Princess Celestia I need your help!" cried Twilight as she rushed into the throne of Canterlot, where only the sun princess was sitting on her seat.
"Oh for Celes..., Uhm, Uhm, what's wrong Twilight?"
"You remember I sent you a letter explaining about my problems getting pregnant? Today nurse Redhearth gave me the results and it turns out that I can't have a natural pregnancy." Twilight started to explain to Celestia about her problems and the result of the blood test, in which Celestia just stared at her fixedly and seriously.
“And I wanted to ask for your help if you have any spells you know, as you are the most powerful alicorn in Equestria and you have access to the largest magical library in existence if anyone can help me I know it can be you!"
Twilight finished speaking panting a little from the exhaustion of running non-stop from the train station to the castle.
Celestia still stared at her.
Celestia let out a sigh looking down at the ground and back at the young princess, but now she was looking at her with sadness on her face. "Twilight come a little closer, I have something important to tell you."
Celestia knew she should have done this much earlier, but she didn't know the best way to say it.
As Twilight approached the throne, Celestia got up from her seat and walked in Twilight's direction walking down the small staircase and finding herself a couple of steps away from her.
"Twilight, what Nurse Redhearth told you is true, you are not going to be able to have a foal naturally."
"What??"
"You see Twilight... When a pony transforms into an alicorn she gains an enormous amount of power and immortality, a power envied by some and feared by others. But all that power comes at a price!" Celestia moved closer and gently touch her face with her hoof "alicorns cannot give birth."
"But... but... but... Cadence and my brother had Flurry Heart!"
"Somehow Candence being the princess of love, she was able along with your brother's love at the time to create the shield that drove out the changelings, also somehow creates a spell that allowed her to create an enormous amount of love which allowed her to have a filly, but Candence accomplished this without knowing it."
Twilight plopped down on her haunches and looking down at the ground.
"The only ones we know that have been able to give birth this way, have been Candence who accomplished it unconsciously. Also our mother, but she to Luna or I never told us how she accomplished it. But we know it is a painful subject for her and involves our father's disappearance."
"All this time... you knew..." Twilight whispering her words without taking her eyes off the ground in front of her.
"For centuries, Luna and I have searched for a way to break this curse but all our attempts have been unsuccessful. We believe it is nature's way of controlling our numbers and that is why only a few worthy by their deeds are chosen to be alicorns... I'm sorry Twilight, but you will never be able to have a daughter."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry?, after knowing everything I have been through, I'm sorry Twilight?" the young princess stood on all fours looking at Celestia with fury in her eyes, "you knew from the beginning that this would not work when you saw me make these plans and you didn't tell me anything? " The fury in Twilight's eyes slowly began to change to one of pain, which also began to show in her words.
"you accompanied me on my first session at the hospital, you accompanied me to buy the toys and the crib, you... you... you... you helped me choose names?" Twilight was still looking at Celestia holding back the urge to cry.
"I had hoped that your desire for a daughter would be enough fo-"
" No Princess Celestia... Just no."
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The memories of that day quickly faded away when Twilight realized that she was already at the gates of the castle of friendship, it was already late and she had walked from the station to the castle just thinking about the conversations with nurse Redhearth and Princess Celestia.
The castle was dark and Twilight just walked through the corridors towards her room in silence and with a defeated attitude, without noticing the only light coming from the castle's kitchen.
"I'm telling you Rarity, you have to try licking the gems to know their quality, it's much easier and more efficient than just looking at them."
"Darling you are a dragon, you literally eat gems for a living. I on the other hoof live to create the most beautiful dresses Equestria has ever seen." Rarity replied to the little dragon as he ate a plate of gems.
"I can't just walk into a store and lick the gems before I buy them either, that wouldn't look good for my reputation darling, that's a privilege only you have for being a dragon." It wasn't something Rarity wanted to do again either, the last time she tried it, she found no difference between licking a ruby and sapphire.
"I think you're right, your last dress was delici... I mean it was beautiful."
"Of course it was beautiful darling, and I know you found it delicious too. when I saw you, you had already eaten half from a cloak." she couldn't blame him for that either, Spike helped Rarity a lot that day carrying the fabrics and shopping bags and she had forgotten to pack him something to eat, although Spike never complained he knew she couldn't forget that he needed something to eat.
"Sorry about the dress Rarity, I was really hungry and couldn't resist" Spike answered her with an embarrassed look on his face looking to the side.
Rarity put her hoof on the dragon's claws. "It's my fault too Spike dear, I promise I won't forget to pack you something to eat again." seconds later Rarity heard hoofsteps of someone walking down the hallway and her ears instinctively made her focus her attention on the kitchens door.
Twilight walked slowly in front of the kitchen, without paying attention to its occupants or their talk.
Still troubled with the events of that day, at an automatic pace she just kept walking in the direction of her room, and seeing this it took Rarity less than a second to realize that something was bothering Twilight.
"Twilight darling what's wrong, are you alright?" a worried face quickly formed over Rarity when she saw Twilight didn't answer her and just kept walking.
"Rarity what's wrong? why didn't Twilight answer you?" Spike asked.
"I don't know Spike, but it sure looks to be something very serious." replied the unicorn to the little dragon without taking her eyes off her friend who had just passed them. "come on Spike we better find out, I think this is bad." After they both had nodded they, followed Twilight in the direction of her room keeping a couple of hooves away, talking to her, and trying to find out why she was in such a bad state.
"Twilight please tell us what's wrong? we won't be able to help you if you don't tell us anything dear."
"Yeah, What’s up with you Twilight? we are worried about you."
"Darling what's wrong please tell us, you know we love you and care about you."
Twilight continued walking down the halls not paying attention to her friend's questions until she passed by a door that was open and stopped for a few seconds to look at it. then she remembered what room that door led to. It was a room she planned to use soon, Twilight opened the door with her magic and slowly walked in only to find a dark room with a couple of pieces of furniture, a box with toys, a cabinet with clothes and diapers, a shelf with children's books, and an empty crib. Twilight approached the crib and grabbed the pillow with her magic, sat down on the floor, and hugged the pillow tightly.
"Twilight dear..."
"Twilight what's wrong?"
"I can't Spike...I can't do it." Twilight spoke interrupting the little dragon, " Nurse Redhearth explained the medical outcome to me and Princess Celestia confirmed it to me when I went to her for help in Canterlot." The young princess began to cry softly squeezing the pillow tighter in an attempt to make that action relieve her from the pain she felt in her chest, "I'm never going to be able to be a mother Spike".
Rarity and Spike stood silently watching the princess with her shattered dreams in front of an empty crib, the sad image that the couple saw seemed to have stopped all noise and happiness in the world. A poorly closed curtain only let a sliver of moonlight into the room, bright enough to see their devastated friend.
"Please guys, I want to be alone..."
the pain in Twilight's words was easily felt by Spike and Rarity who still stood in the doorway looking at her wordlessly.
"Twilight I-" Spike took a step towards the room, but stopped as he felt a white hoof on his shoulder, Spike turned to see Rarity who had her eyes fixed on her friend with a deep look of empathy, knowing it was a pain only a mare could understand, the pair retreated leaving Twilight alone in the room.
They both walked silently through the halls of the castle, not knowing what to say to each other until they reached the front doors. Spike opened the door and waited for Rarity to come out.
"Spike?"
"Yes, Rarity?"
"I'm going back to my house to rest, early tomorrow morning I'll close the store for a few days and come back here to the castle to help you look after Twilight, I know she won't do anything dangerous to herself or anyone else, but I'm very worried about her condition, I'd be very grateful if you could arrange a room for me to stay in for a couple of nights preferably one next to Twilight's."
"Next to Twilight's room is my room Rarity, do you think it would be a good idea for you and me...?"
"Oh Spike dear you are a sweetheart, but this is not the time to think about that, besides you are too little to have those ideas." Rarity gave a kiss on the forehead to the little dragon who blushed as he received it. The unicorn giggled at the dragon's reaction not quite sure if Spike knew what she was referring to.
"Tomorrow I will tell the girls what happened to Twilight, and I will ask Fluttershy if she can watch Sweetie Belle for a couple of nights or at least until Applejack returns from his trip and ask her if she would let my sister stay over with Apple Bloom for awhile. I know they will both love the idea and I would hate to have to separate my sister from her friends and send her back to my parents."
"Thanks, Rarity see you tomorrow!"
"Rest my Spikey Wikey tomorrow will be a long day." with that Rarity took off in the direction of her house not taking her mind off Twilight the whole way.
Twilight sat all night in front of the empty crib with the pillow tightly pressed between her front paws just staring into the void thinking about her situation and that she is never going to be able to be a mother, the only sound that could be heard at that moment was the breathing of the princess who for hours stayed in that position, only to repeat from time to time to herself a simple sentence.
"I just wanted to be a mother...".