Cus I'm A Princess, Thats Why.
Luna quietly sipped her tea while gazing out the front of the cafe, watching all the ponies walk to and fro outside the window. Ponyville seemed to be between disasters today, for no one was running around like a chicken with their head cut off. No smoke rose from the distance, nor were there any ominous shadows looming over the town.
Perhaps because it was tuesday. Luna wasn't certain, though she was absolutely sure of one thing. This tea was actually pretty good.
She hated to admit it, but Twilight had been right, and judging from the knowing look on her companion’s face, she could tell.
“Good, right?” Twilight questioned.
Luna sighed, and placed her cup back down. “Tis wonderful. I must admit you have finally found a blend I enjoy and it only took over a hundred tuesdays.”
Twilight giggled. “A win is a win. No matter how long it took.”
“Steal that one from Rainbow Dash?” Luna questioned.
Twilight shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Tell me Twilight, what is new with you?” Luna asked. “You have been so anxious for me to try your newest creation that we have yet to discuss the changes in your world, as they say.”
“Oh nothing much,” Twilight giggled excitedly and leaned across the table. “But I did just go on this hot date the other day.”
“Real or imaginary?” Luna questioned.
Twilight blushed, and gently batted the other alicorn’s hoof. “Real. I stopped going on practice dates years ago.”
Luna nodded slowly. “I am proud of you my young friend, and who was the lucky pony?”
“Oh you don't know him, but he's really sweet,” Twilight swooned, her gaze growing distant. “We met at a book signing. He was so cute, and flustered that he didn't even notice I was an alicorn until the second date.”
“Really?” Luna asked incredulously. “It seems as though you have quite the absent minded professor on your hooves.”
Twilight shrugged. “It's something we have in common.”
“You know it's been quite some time since I have indulged in such things,” Luna admitted somewhat reluctantly. “I have been so busy catching up on modern Equestrian history, and culture that I’ve rarely even thought about it.”
“Oh? Why don't you try going on one of those speed dating things then?” Twilight offered. “They are a good way to ease yourself back into dating even if they are a little old fashioned at this point.”
Luna hummed thoughtfully before shaking her head. “I am still a busy mare. I don't think I have time for such a thing, even if it is quick.”
The clink of a dish brought the two mares back down to Equestria, where the young waiter was setting down a tray at the edge of their table. Though he appeared to be just barely old enough to drink, the stallion was tall, and had a well groomed moustache that he clearly took pride in. His coat was a ruddy brown and his mane was a deep black, making his bright green eyes to visibly pop.
“Here you are ladies,” he remarked, taking a step back once he had deposited the two small plates. “A chocolate eclair for Twilight, and a double chocolate donut for our princess of the night.”
He smiled. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“I’m fine,” Twilight offered. “Thank you though.”
Luna peered intently at the young stallion, her gaze growing oddly intense as she eyed the male up and down. From his short tuft of a mane, to his chiseled shoulders and well toned flanks, Luna observed it all carefully. Then, just when the server was growing a little uncomfortable, she spoke.
“I have some questions for you. If you don't mind,” Luna offered.
The stallion raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Uh sure, what can I do for you?”
“How old are you?” Luna began, leaning a little closer to the male.
“You don't have to answer that,” Twilight interjected.
“It's quite alright,” replied the stallion. “I am twenty one your highness.”
Luna nodded while rubbing her chin. “Your name is Fine Grind right?”
“You are correct,” he replied.
“Now this may be a bit forward, but what is your sexual orientation?” Luna continued.
The male blushed slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, uh. Straight? I’ve never really thought about it much to be honest. I’ve only ever had a single girlfriend before.”
“Where are you going with this Luna?” Twilight questioned.
“Like I said Twilight, I am a busy mare,” Luna replied before turning fully to the young stallion. “Congratulations young Fine Grind, you will be the first of my concubines. Report to the castle by friday with all of your personal effects.”
Fine Grind blinked. “Uh, are you serious?”
Luna nodded. “I am always serious. Some say it is a bit of a character flaw of mine.”
“Luna!” Twilight hissed. “You can't just induct random stallion’s into your harem!”
“And why not?” Luna countered. “The stallion seems willing. Isn't that right?”
“Hell yeah I am!” Fine Grind exclaimed before ripping off his uniform and tossing it on the ground. “I’m outta this dump!”
Luna smiled sagely and sipped her tea as the stallion burst out of the room, the first few notes of a heartsong already on his lips.
“Somebody once told me-”
Twilight however, was much less amused. “You can't do that. The princesses don't have harems anymore! They haven't for over eight centuries!”
“Then it is as good a time as any to bring it back,” Luna retorted simply, putting down her cup and taking a bite of her donut.
Twilight groaned. “Think of the diplomatic ramifications! The other nations will think we are a bunch of backwards barbarians!”
Luna scoffed. “I am not enslaving the poor stallion. Nopony unwilling shall be forced into my bed chambers.”
“That's not the part I’m worried about!” Twilight shouted, rising from her seat. “This will cause chaos at the next united nations meeting!”
“I don't rightly care what they think,” Luna exclaimed.
“Hey, whats going on here?” Shouted a slightly older stallion with a salt and pepper mane, an off grey coat, and a long, luxurious beard.
“Just a princessly disagreement, I assure you,” Luna claimed.
“Then why is my star employee dancing in the streets singing something about dancing between the sheets?” Continued the stallion.
“Luna here is trying to induct him into her harem,” Twilight replied, gesturing to the nonplussed alicorn sitting across from her.
“Is this true?” He asked.
“Indeed it is my good sir,” Luna answered.
“Gods dammit,” he cursed, throwing his hat at the ground. “He was my best employee and now were going to be short staffed for weeks while we search for a replacement.”
“Say, I have a few questions for you,” Luna offered.
“Luna, don't you dare!” Twilight shouted.
“Err, I suppose I could answer a few questions, but after that I’m giving you a piece of my mind, princess or no,” He countered.
Luna nodded. “That is more than fair, now then. How old are you?”
Twilight groaned, and buried her face in her hooves. “My life is ridiculous.”
“Err I’m forty one, your highness,” replied the stallion somewhat reluctantly.
Luna smiled. “And what is your name again? I’m afraid we have only met once before.”
“Jam Drops,” he declared.
“And what is your sexual orientation my good stallion?” Luna continued.
“I don't see what that has to do with anything,” he muttered, blushing ever so slightly.
“Indulge me,” Luna pressed.
“I’m pansexual,” admitted the stallion. “Haven't been in a relationship for a while though. Running the shop while the owners are out takes a lot of my time.”
“You will be the second member of my harem,” Luna declared, turning away form the male. “Report to the castle by friday with your effects.”
“Woah there, hold on a minute,” cautioned Jam Drops.
“Finally a stallion that isn't thinking with his privates!” Twilight exclaimed.
“I just had a few questions, is all,” Jam Drops stated.
“Go right ahead,” Luna offered.
“This is a paid position right, what about dental?” he questioned.
Twilight groaned. “Oh come on.”
“It is indeed paid, and will have excellent dental coverage,” Luna answered. “Not only that but your material needs shall be cared for, and you shall live in the castle with me.”
A slow smile grew on the stallion’s features. “Free room and board to boot? Now that's way better than what I’m getting here. What the hell princess? I’m in!”
Twilight let out a deep sigh, as she stuffed her eclair into her mouth.
“Most excellent, I shall see you soon my new lover,” Luna declared before turning away from the stallion and taking another bite of her snack.
The door to the shop opened briefly, allowing a flood of smooth guitars, and a distinctly nineties era ska inspired tune to spill in. As well as the dulcet tones of Fine Grind as he espoused the virtues of love in a tone that made it sound rather unromantic. His former manager joined a second later, his voice deepening significantly as he began the next line about his deep love of comprehensive dental plans.
Luna didn't seem to notice any of this, and patted her mouth with a napkin before gazing across the table to a distraught looking Twilight. “I’m sorry. I interrupted you. What were you saying?” Inquired the alicorn.
Twilight sighed. “Romance is dead.”