Princess Celestia sighed as she looked over the papers for the latest tax proposal. “This looks really nice, Paper Cut. You did a great job.”
The grey Unicorn smiled in response. “Always a pleasure to work with you, Princess.”
Always a bore to work with you, Celestia thought, but didn’t say. She had perfected the art of looking interested while secretly being bored to tears centuries ago. Still, after all these years, the Royal Tax Advisor could strain even her infinite patience. I wish something interesting would happen....
“Your wish is my command!” a voice suddenly yelled out. Celestia looked up to see a swirling ball of mass that had somehow crashed through the window headed right towards her. Ducking, she avoided it and it hit the wall behind her. Turning around quizzically, she found the Lord of Chaos, dressed in a maintenance worker’s outfit.
“Well, well, when the all powerful Princess of the Sun is feeling bored, I would be remiss in my royal duties not to intercede,” he grinned. “Although, really, look at this place, it looks like a dump. You really have to do some maintenance.” He pointed a claw towards the huge hole in the wall. “Really, you of all ponies should be aware of ‘broken windows theory’.”
Celestia sighed and put her hoof on her forehead. “Discord...”
“Don’t worry, don’t worry!” He assured her. “I’ll fix it for you.” He snapped his fingers, and the hole was filled by a huge stained glass window showing Discord and Celestia sitting next to each other, with the letters D + C written underneath. “Wow, look at me, handy around the house. Is there anything I can’t do? Truly, Celestia, you couldn’t choose a better gentlepony- er draconequus- friend than me.” He leaned over to Celestia, puckering his lips.
Rolling her eyes, Celestia shook her head slowly. “Discord... it’s always wonderful to see you... but I have work now.”
Paper Cut stood up slowly and scowled. “Exactly, Princess. Now if you will kindly tell your... romantic companion to leave, there are some very important tax policies we have to discuss-“
“Oh, pish!” Discord interrupted. In a flash, the papers had animated and were baring their teeth as they chased after Paper Cut.
“Discord! I demand you stop this at once. Return the tax papers to their original state!” the attacked Unicorn called out.
“All I did was show their true form,” Discord pouted. “You like it, don’t you, ‘Tia?”
Celestia covered up her muzzle with a hoof to hide her laughter. “It’s very clever, Discord. But you have to change everything back.”
“Everything?” he whined.
She looked at the new window seriously. “Everything.”
“Do I at least get some compensation for my work?” he said, now holding a picketing sign.
Celestia leaned over and pecked him delicately on the cheek. “Compensation enough?”
“Ugh, fine,” Discord sighed, snapping his fingers. In a flash, the old window was restored, and Paper Cut was covered in a pile of regular evil, non-alive tax papers.
Princess Celestia straightened her back and looked seriously at her lover. “Discord, what brings you here today? Surely you didn’t come just to torture Paper Cut?”
Discord leaned into her. “Oh, I have to have a reason to show up? I cannot just have a casual visit because I like spending time with you?” He gave her a huge “I Missed You” card.
Celestia smiled but raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, all right. Be a stick-in-the-mud,” Discord said, and all of a sudden he was a twig sitting in a mud pile. “Well, the real reason I came is because I knew you were bored and wanted to brighten up your day, O Princess of the Sun.” He pulled on the little lock of hair next to her ear, and her horn lit up.
Celestia frowned. “How would you know I was bored? Don’t tell me your chaos magic senses my emotions?”
He laughed. “Oh, no, it’s elementary, my dear Celestia, really.” He paced back and forth in a detective cap while blowing bubbles out of a pipe. “A few days ago I invited you to spend some time in my chaos dimension so we could discuss my proposal to turn Cloudsdale into a giant floating bouncy house made out of cotton candy. You can imagine how hurt I was when you said you’d rather spend your time discussing taxes with him.” He pointed his paw at Paper Cut, who had just finished pushing the last papers off himself. Instantly, they all fell on top of him again.
Celestia rubbed her head. “Discord, I didn’t say I’d rather spend time discussing taxes, I said I had to. And I think you already know the answer to your Cloudsdale suggestion.”
“That it’s a great idea? Oh, ‘Tia, I’m so glad you came around, I knew you’d see the light!”
She blinked at the huge flashlight right in front of her eyes, and shook her head. “Discord... no. Just... no.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Well anyways, even though you turned down my suggestion in favor of somepony else, I decided to be the bigger pony and come see you anyways. I knew you’d be bored in a tax meeting, so I figured I’d come and liven things up.”
“You call this ‘livening things up’?” somepony sputtered as he finally got up from under a massive pile of paper.
“Quiet, you,” Discord muttered. With a wave of his claw, Paper Cut was once again covered in sheets of paper.
“Oh, Discord, that was so thoughtful of you,” Celestia chuckled. “I appreciate it.”
“I am pretty great, after all,” Discord boasted. “Just the Lord of Chaos here, folks, that’s all. Donations are accepted.” He held out a hat jingling with bits and then paused. “Well, the truth is, dear ‘Tia, I may not have been entirely honest with you.” Discord admitted.
“Do tell.”
Discord stared at Celestia. “I came to cheer you up- but I also came for another reason. A very very important reason.”
“Important enough to completely derail this policy meeting?” Paper Cut sniped, getting up for the third time.
“Oh, it’s far more important than that. This may one of the most important things of the century, actually of the millennium!” Discord said excitedly. He clapped his hands, and a bunch of balloons appeared on the ceiling. He grabbed one and gave it to Celestia. “Congratulations.”
She took it from him in confusion. “Congratulations on what, exactly? If this is about Cloudsdale, I want to be very clear, I’ve given it far more consideration than it deserves, and the answer is NO.”
“No, no, this isn’t about that,” Discord laughed. “It’s about you. And me, too, I suppose.”
Curiosity piqued, Celestia looked at him with interest. “Please tell me what this important secret is. I have no idea. But if it’s this important to you, I really want to know.” So I can protect myself.
Discord grinned. “I knew you’d be excited, ‘Tia.” He snapped his fingers and a massive blue egg with orange stripes and yellow polka dots appeared in his claw.
Celestia stared at it, before accepting it gingerly. “I... uh... what is this, exactly? It’s definitely not a dragon egg.”
“Well, it’s partly a dragon egg,” Discord smirked.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Celestia asked.
Discord smiled solemnly. “I laid this egg.”
There was a long silence. Finally Celestia spoke. “You laid this egg.”
“Yes,” Discord said. “It came from my very own-“
“Alright, that’s enough!” Celestia said quickly. She threw the egg back to Discord. “I can’t believe I touched this.”
“Why? Discord asked. “You usually have no problem touching my-“
“ENOUGH!” Celestia yelled.
“But, ‘Tia, don’t you know what this means?” Discord asked earnestly.
“That your biological functions are even weirder than I thought?”
“Of course they’re weird, I am the Lord of Chaos, after all.” Discord said smugly. “But Celestia... this means... you’re going to be a father!”
The silence that followed felt about as long as some of the more uneventful decades of her life, Celestia judged. It would have gone on longer, but a loud THUMP shocked her out of her stupor. Turning, she realized it was Paper Cut. The poor Unicorn had fainted. Luckily, there was a good deal of crumpled paper to break his fall. After assessing that her tax advisor was alright, she turned back to Discord. “So,” she began. “What exactly are you implying?”
“I didn’t imply anything, I said it outright,” Discord exclaimed. “I laid an egg, and you’re the father. Very simple stuff here, honestly.”
“I heard that... but how?” Celestia asked.
“Well, sometimes, when two very special someponies love each other very very much, they-“
“I know that!” Celestia hissed, feeling her face burning. “What I meant is, how can this be? It defies all the rules of basic biology. It doesn’t make any sense!”
“Oh, what fun is there in making sense?” Discord cackled.
“Discord, even for you, this seems a tad unbelievable. April Foal’s Day isn’t until next week, you know.”
“I am absolutely serious,” Discord said resolutely.
“You can’t be. You just can’t be. Discord, I’m sorry, there is absolutely no way I ‘sired’ an egg!” Celestia said, sounding just a bit frazzled.
“And why not?” Discord asked, tilting his head questioningly.
“I- well- For one thing, I’m a mare!” Celestia shrieked.
“So?”
“So?! So?! So MARES CAN’T BE SIRES!” Celestia exploded.
Discord stood up slowly. “‘Mares can’t be sires’? Really, Celestia, I’m disappointed in you. And here I thought you were open-minded. Love and tolerance and all that.”
“THAT’S TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S THING, NOT MINE!”
“So you don’t believe in love and tolerance?”
“I- of course I believe in love, tolerance, and the magic of friendship,” Celestia said. “But I also believe in biology. And I can’t be the father of this egg.”
Discord crossed his arms. “Well you are, my dear ‘Tia. And anyways, what does it matter if you’re the dame or the sire? The point is we’re having a foal together!”
“Maybe I don’t want a foal.”
The draconequus stopped. “What?”
“Look, I don’t know if this is your idea of a bad joke, or if this is somehow real- although I don’t see how it could be- but when I entered into a relationship with you, you... laying eggs was not part of it,” Celestia said, willing herself to remain calm. “I mean, how did you honestly expect me to react?”
Discord’s voice was deadly cold. “Oh, I see, Celestia. I never thought of you as a deadbeat dad type. But I guess now that I have an egg you’ve just decided to abandon me and your foal. I guess this is over than.” He snapped his fingers, and he was floating away as he held on to his collection of Congratulations balloons.
“Discord, I never said-“
He cut her off. “You’ve said more than enough.”
She sighed. “Can I at least get a paternity test?”
Celestia was stunned. She still didn’t really believe this was true, but what really scared her was that she wasn’t completely sure it was false, either. And that meant that there was a possibility that... no. This was illogical and impossible. Discord might be the Lord of Chaos, but she was one of the most orderly creatures on the planet (save for Twilight Sparkle, of course). Still feeling rather agitated, she levitated Paper Cut up and trotted slowly out of the room.
“Sister, what are you doing?”
She turned. “Oh! Luna! Long story. Paper Cut fainted and I’m taking him to the infirmary.”
Trotting alongside her, Luna smirked. “Fainted? Pray tell, what could possibly excite him so at a tax meeting? Papers growing teeth, no doubt?”
“Ha ha,” Celestia said, clenching her jaw. “It’s not important.”
Luna’s face became less cheeky and she came to a sudden stop. “Sister, are you alright? Your behavior is more than a little strange.”
“It’s not important,” Celestia repeated weakly.
“Sister. If you are upset you should talk about it. I read that in one of those advice magazines.”
“Oh alright- I suppose you were going to find out at some point anyways- actually you’re not because nothing is happening- but-“ She was mercifully interrupted as they arrived at the infirmary, where she levitated Paper Cut over to some confused medics. Miserably, she turned back to an expectant Luna. “Luna, I- was doing taxes with Paper Cut when Discord decided to show up with some- ah- big news,” she said finally.
“And?” Luna asked.
“He- showed up with- with an egg which he claimed was laid by him and sired by... me. He said I was going to be a father.”
Shock filled Luna’s eyes, and then dawning comprehension. “But ‘Tia, that means... I’m going to be an aunt!” She let out an uncharacteristic shriek and did a flip in the air.
Celestia stared. “Luna, you already are an aunt- Cadence, remember?”
“Oh, right, but this is different. Besides, how exactly is Cadence related to us? I do not think it was ever clearly explained to me.” Luna said.
“Luna.” Celestia said slowly, fighting the urge to scream. “I know you missed a lot of the advancements in what we call ‘science’ while you were... ahem... absent, but surely you can realize some basic biological reasons why I cannot possibly be a father?!”
“What are you saying? Oh...,” Luna said. “Are you saying that you cannot be the sire because you are a mare?”
“Yes! Yes I am! Now that you’ve accepted reality, we can both see that this is one big not-so-funny joke and-“ Celestia’s shrill outburst was interrupted by her sister.
“Celestia- I cannot believe you!” Luna said angrily. “You really think you cannot be the father just because you are female? Really? Get with times! I left those backwards attitudes on the moon! And ponies say I am the one that is ‘old-fashioned’!” With that, the younger Alicorn turned up her muzzle and trotted away. “I refuse to associate with intolerant ponies like you!” she called out as she left.
Celestia sighed. “I never should have let her read Cosmare.”
Still, the idea of discussing something that was bothering you- even if it did come from one of those cursed magazines- wasn’t too bad a concept. Celestia felt she was going to lose her mind if she didn’t find somepony who would acknowledge that she was the sane one in this situation, and it was Luna and Discord who were flat-out wrong. But who to talk to? A name flashed in her mind. Of course! If there was one pony who would look at things rationally.... Feeling heartened, she lit up her horn and teleported with a POP to a castle on the outskirts of Ponyville.
“Princess Celestia!” The purple Alicorn was frantic when her mentor showed up unannounced in the throne room. “I had no idea you were coming- not that I’m not happy to see you- I am! But I’m just surprised- you weren’t in the schedule-“ at this she pulled out a long scroll- “which is obviously my fault- I didn’t write you in- and I’m so, so sorry about it- I would’ve cleaned up- a royal visit-“
“Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia said gently. “You don’t have to anything special for me. After all, we are equals now.”
“Right, right,” Twilight said nervously.
“Well, Twilight Sparkle, I, uh, was wondering if if I could discuss something with you?” Celestia said, smiling weakly.
“Oh- of course!” Twilight answered quickly. “Is the fate of Equestria at risk? Should I gather up the Element Bearers?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Celestia said. “It’s just- I wanted your... thoughts on something. Advice, I guess. You are the Princess of Friendship, after all.”
“You want MY advice?” Twilight said incredulously, the grin spreading across her face reminiscent of the smiles Celestia had so adored in her fillyhood. “I’d be honored, Princess!”
“Then- uh- you should probably sit down,” Celestia said, settling herself down gracefully on Pinkie Pie’s throne and waiting for Twilight to take to her own.
Twilight glanced up at her, curiosity evident on her face.
Celestia decided to break things gently. “Well, Twilight Sparkle, you are aware that Discord and I are dating now?” Wait, are we still? Did we break up? Sadly, romance didn’t get easier as you approached your fifteenth century.
Twilight interrupted her train of thought. “Of course I know, Princess. It was all over the Neigh York Post and the Daily Mare. I wrote strongly worded letters to them of course, saying that they were interfering in your private life and anyways everypony knows they aren’t reputable newspapers because they publish so much rubbish-“
“Er- right, but that’s not what’s important here. My main point is that-“ Celestia took a deep breath- “Discord recently informed me that he has laid an egg, and has claimed me as the father, and I- am not sure how to react.” She finally glanced at Twilight. Twilight was staring at her in shock, her eyes wider than Celestia had ever seen, her mouth hanging open.
Celestia laughed in relief. “Yes, this whole thing sounds insane, doesn’t it? That’s exactly what I thought, too.”
Finally Twilight spoke. “Princess Celestia- no! It’s not insane- it’s wonderful news! I’m so happy for you- you were an amazing teacher to me, and I’m sure you’ll be an amazing father, too!”
“WHAT?” Celestia yelled. “Twilight Sparkle, you are the most logical pony I know. Surely you realize such a thing would be impossible? The whole idea is preposterous!”
“Princess,” Twilight said earnestly “I learned from my friend Pinkie Pie that we can’t understand everything, and there are wonderful things in this world that we just have to believe in! And it’s wonderful that you’re going to be a father, even if I can’t understand how it works!” Her eye twitched momentarily at those last few words, but her smile remained.
“Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia hissed, all semblance of calm gone. “This is not like that at all. Just think for a moment, how such a thing could ever happen? How could I, a mare, father an egg, with Discord, a stalli- well, a male draconequus? How would that even work?!”
Twilight blushed. “Umm, Princess Celestia?” she squeaked. “I know you said that we’re equals, and that you aren’t my teacher anymore, but umm, I don’t really feel comfortable discussing the... intimate details of your life with you.”
“Oh... I didn’t mean.. of course!” Celestia mumbled. She could feel her face burning at least five different shades of crimson. Curse this white hide! “I- uh- just remembered something I have to do- farewell!” She trotted briskly out of the doors and hung her head in shame and dejection.
Staring at the floor in embarrassment as she left the castle, she bumped into something.
“Oh, hello, Princess Celestia!” a voice chirped cheerfully.
Celestia looked up in surprise. “Oh, hello, Pinkie Pie,” she said flatly.
Pinkie grinned. “Great to see you, your Highness,” she said, bowing clumsily. “I smell that you sat on my throne. Don’t worry, I don’t mind!”
“I- smell?”
“Yeah, I smeared frosting all over it. I can smell it all over you. And you smell great!”
“Wonderful.” Celestia said tersely.
“Princess,” Pinkie said. “Is something wrong? Because usually when I see you you’re all happy because Twilight learned a friendship lesson? But now you’re all.. bleh!” She rolled her eyes back and stuck out her tongue.
“It’s kind of you to inquire, Pinkie Pie, but I’m... fine. Just a bit upset. And I doubt that you- of all ponies- could help.”
“Me? Of all ponies?!” Pinkie yelled in offense. “Of course I can help! My special talent is cheering ponies up! My SPECIAL TALENT,” she yelled, gesticulating to her flank.
Celestia sighed. “Fine. Discord just told me that I’m going to be a father.”
Pinkie’s eyes grew as wide as saucers. “A father? But Princess... you’re a mare!”
Celestia stared at her with shock and delight. “Yes, Pinkie Pie, you’re right!” She scooped Pinkie up in her front legs and hugged her before setting her down again.
“Yes,” Pinkie said seriously, pacing in a circle. “Only a stallion can become a father. Which means-“ she paused. She jumped up. “Oh I get it! You’re a stallion!”
“WHAT?!”
“Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!” Pinkie shrieked, jumping up and down. “Am I the first pony you told? Don’t worry, I accept you for who you are, Princess- or should I call you Prince?”
“Pinkie Pie,” Celestia said sternly. “I am most certainly not a stallion. And even if I did identify as such- which to be absolutely clear I do not- it still would not change the underlying biological issues with me ‘fathering’ anything.”
Pinkie looked at her earnestly. “Prince Celestia, you don’t have to hide yourself from me- I accept you. In fact, now that I think about it, it totally makes sense that you would be a stallion. I mean you represent the sun, and something about it seems masculine, you know? And you and Luna are sisters, but she’s all short and slender, and you’re all tall and broad. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!”
“I am feminine and beautiful!” Celestia howled in offense.
“You’re whatever you say you are, Prince, and you shouldn’t hide that. In fact, you should tell everypony in Ponyville that you’re a stallion- we’re a really accepting town! I know! I’ll throw you a coming-out party! It’s my favorite kind of party except for Gummy’s birthday party, and his after-birthday party, oh and all my friends’ birthdays, of course....”
“Pinkie Pie.” Celestia called out weakly.
Pinkie Pie continued to hop towards the balloon store in excitement.
Celestia found herself standing alone in front of the Castle in a rather catatonic state, with the only stray thought going through her mind being whether she actually smelled like chocolate cake, or was it her imagination. Foolish thoughts, of course, but after her many years as Ruler of Equestria and dealing with many a shock, she had learned to compartmentalize her brain so that she could have private thoughts while “Princess Celestia” deftly handled the situation. Still, she had never dealt with a shock quite like this. Her, a stallion of all things? Certainly nopony would ever have accused her of this last century. She wasn’t really that broad, was she? Had she gained weight? Stop it! Celestia told herself. Either this was a dream, some kind of elaborate hoax, everypony had gone insane, or she had. There was only one option now: go home. Sighing, she lifted up her wings and started flying, preferring to take a slower route instead of teleportation so as to push off dealing with this strange reality.
When Celestia got near Canterlot Castle (but not sufficiently near that she would be spotted), she teleported herself right outside the hall to throne room, and trotted in leisurely, full of faux calm.
“SURPRISE!” Somepony shrieked in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.
Celestia looked up in horror to see Pinkie Pie, alongside Spike and the others, as well as Luna, and some of Celestia’s staff, all staring at her and the huge sign over the doors to the throne room, which read: HAPPY SURPRISE COMING-OUT PARTY, PRINCE CELESTIA! The sign itself had been signed by Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Spike, and Luna.
“Aight de uhh,” Celestia said weakly. (She had meant to say “Oh dear Harmony” but her inner Princess stopped her.)
“Bey you weren’t expecting that, were you, Princess?” Pinkie Pie said smugly. “Uh, I mean Prince.”
“What is this?” Celestia finally made out.
“Well…,” Pinkie said, bouncing up and down, “You know how I said that coming-out parties are my favorite, after Gummy’s birthday party and after-birthday party? Well, actually, after I ran off to Sugar Cube Corner to plan your party I remembered I LOVE surprise parties even more! But the problem was I already told I was making you a party because everypony in Ponyville is so accepting. But then I realized I could still make you a surprise party if I made the party somewhere you didn’t expect, so I brought everything and everypony right here and set it up super fast!” Pinkie stopped to take a breath. “It worked, right? You were totally surprised!”
“You sure were!” Somepony cackled.
Celestia turned her head. It was Discord, wearing a a full tuxedo and cradling that cursed egg.
“Really, Celestia? You’re a stallion? And you never told me? Unlike you, I would’ve accepted you for who you are from the get-go. I think it’s pretty kinky, anyhow,” he said, waggling his eyebrows. “Stallions without medallions, and all that. Personally, I’m genderfluid.” He snapped his talons and was suddenly wearing a frilly pink ball gown.
“Discord… I ah.. you’re genderfluid?”
“In a manner of speaking,” Discord said coolly, snapping again, so that he was wearing half dress, half tuxedo, split straight down the middle “I mean, I would never want to limit myself to just one gender. So… orderly, you know? Usually I’m fine being my regular chaotic self, but sometimes I want to really spice things up,” he said cheerfully, making pepper and cinnamon rain all over the throne room.
Celestia looked at him in wonder. “Discord, you never told me any of this!”
“Well,” Discord said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Perhaps I didn’t think you would be willing to accept me for who I am.” He said it quite earnestly, without a hint of mockery in his voice.
“Oh,” she said quietly. Her anger with Discord had sort of evaporated. She wasn’t sure what to feel now. “Well, I’m sorry you thought that. Did you…?” She willed herself to continue, “did you lay that egg when you were… er… female?”
“Still trying to make things orderly, aren’t you ‘Tia?” Discord sighed dramatically. He cradled the egg in his tuxedo’d arm. “As a matter of fact, I didn’t. Are you ready to accept that?”
“I don’t know,” Celestia said honestly. She looked at him earnestly. “But, um, Discord, I’m not a stallion. This whole ‘coming-out party’,” she glared at Pinkie Pie, “has been one gigantic misunderstanding. I’m definitely a mare.” At this, many of her staff sighed with relief, Spike and the others nodded in understanding, and Pinkie Pie looked a bit deflated.
“If you say so,” Discord said solemnly. “Honestly, Celestia, I don’t care if you considered yourself a stallion, a mare, or a fire-breathing dragon. I like you, and spending time with you. That’s why I was so excited to lay your egg.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Of course,” Discord said seriously.
Celestia took a deep breath. “Well, I suppose if you can accept me as a stallion, I can accept that you’ve laid an egg- and that I’m- its father.”
Discord grinned. “I knew you’d come around in the end.”
“Can I… um hold your- our- egg?” Celestia asked nervously.
“I thought you’d never ask!” Discord yelled out jovially. “Catch!” He threw the egg clear across the hall. Celestia, Pinkie Pie, the staff, and everypony in the room watched in horror as the multicolored egg hit the ground, cracked, and exploded into multi colored goo.
Slowly, Celestia trotted silently over to what had been the egg, and over to the pile of goo. There, in the center of it all, was a lump of some sort. Trembling, she levitated it up in front of her to reveal… a crumpled paper ball. Celestia opened up the wet, creased paper, which had, typed neatly at the header, Equestrian Tax Code Title XX. What appeared to be a crude drawing of teeth was printed underneath. Below that was scrawled, in messy penmanship, Happy Early April Foal’s Day, Celestia!
The world stopped. “Discord.…” Celestia hissed in the lowest voice possible.
“Wha-at?” He chirped back happily. “Happy early April Foal’s Day, ‘Tia. That was ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!” He crumped over onto the floor in laughter. “I mean, you should’ve seen yourself! When I told you you were the father even I practically cracked up.” At this he split himself right down the middle, where the tuxedo and dress met.
“Wait, this was all a prank?” Pinkie Pie asked in dismay. “You mean Celestia’s not really a stallion? But I already went through all the official documents on her desk and changed them to ‘Prince Celestia’!”
“I knew something about this whole thing sounded off,” Spike muttered.
“I guess so.” Pinkie Pie looked disappointed, and so did Luna.
“DISCORD!” Celestia screamed. “I ASKED YOU IF THIS WAS AN APRIL FOAL’S DAY JOKE!”
“Well, I couldn’t tell you, could I, that would ruin all the fun.” Discord said reasonably. “As I see it, the whole point of having a day dedicated to pranks is great, but then everypony expects the prank, which ruins the surprise. So I thought, and it is one of my most ingenious ideas of all, I daresay,” Discord continued, waving his arms so he wore a white lab coat and a frizzy white hair, “that what if I did April Foal’s on a different day, a day nopony would expect? Keep all the pranks, and all the surprise. So in a way, I didn’t lie to you at all. Because this prank didn’t actually took place on April Foal’s.”
Celestia moaned. “You’re still going to pull a prank on me on April Foal’s Day, though?”
“Well, probably,” Discord admitted. “Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll keep you guessing the whole day if I will or won’t do anything. You’ll constantly be on the lookout for a prank that may never happen. Only the Master of Chaos could could such mayhem just by doing nothing!”
Celestia sighed.
“Oh, cheer up, ‘Tia, really, it was hilarious! I mean, how did you convince dear Pinkie Pie that you were a stallion, it’s simply fabulous!”
“Wait a second,” Celestia said slowly, processing the humiliation all the while. “If all of this was a prank then- you’re not really ‘genderfluid’, are you?”
“Eh, not really,” Discord shrugged. “I mean, I sort of find the idea interesting. I guess I’m more like ‘genderfluidfluid’.”
“I see,” Celestia said flatly. “Discord, even if this so-called prank was funny- which to be clear it is not, and by the way I did not believe for a second that that egg was real and I knew it was nonsense the entire time- these sorts of jokes have no constructive purpose. It is just cruel.” She frowned at him.
Discord sighed. “Well I suppose you may have a point there,” he conceded. “But actually,” he said, brightening, “there is in fact a very valuable lesson to be learned from this whole ordeal.”
“Which is?” Celestia said, raising her eyebrow.
“Well, for me to lay an egg from you would mean that we were sleeping together, right?”
“Yes….” Celestia said, dreading where this was going.
“WAIT, WHAT?!” sompony exploded. Everypony turned to a shocked Twilight Sparkle.
“Twilight, where did you think the egg came from?” Spike sighed, trying to discreetly lead her out of the room.
“I don’t know, magic? The whole thing never made any sense to begin with so why couldn’t the egg just come out of nowhere? I’ve actually researched conjuring spells quite a bit, it could be possible… I never thought Celestia and Discord would… she’s a Princess!”
Everypony was quiet until the pair made it out of the room. Celestia decided to break the awful silence. “You were saying?” she said acidly to Discord.
“Yes, well, the point is, dear Celestia, that there are ways to prevent unwanted eggs in a relationship. Always use the proper protection! And if I recall, correctly, ‘Tia, a few nights ago, you were saying….”
“Alright, alright you can stop now. I think everypony gets the idea.” Celestia muttered, not daring to look at the faces of the others in the room. “What a valuable lesson. Great prank.”
“Oh, don’t be so grumpy, Celestia! After all, aren’t you happy that you aren’t the father of a multi-species egg?” Discord asked.
“I….” Once again, Celestia found herself at a loss for words. Then suddenly, she found herself laughing despite herself. “Yes, I’m so happy I’m not a father,” she snorted. “I’m not a father! I’m not a father!” she shrieked happily between peals of laughter.
Finally, she stopped and caught her breath. “Wait, Discord,” she said with interest, cocking her head. “If that egg wasn’t real, then how do draconequi reproduce?”
“Oh,” Discord said. “Well, generally we just-“ He pulled her over to him and told her the rest.
Celestia looked at him in horror, and subconsciously wrapped her wings around her body and squeezed them tightly. “We are always using protection.”
