Prologue: Everything’s Coming Up Schoolhouse
“So what?” Anon asked, sizing up the dragon with a skeptical gaze. “You fly now?” Spike, that pudgy little dragon that Anon owes a lot for his newfound pony social life, hovers enthusiastically at Anon’s eye level. It was a strange feeling, not having to crouch down to interact with the drake. But he was sure it did wonders for his knees.
“Yup. I finally molted and now I’m rocking these bad boys.” Spike looked back at his wings dreamily, capturing himself under their charm. Anon snickered.
“You know, I thought they’d be bigger.” Anon teased. Spike reflexively grabbed on to his wings, coddling them to his chest like a baby.
“Hey! I’m still growing!” Spike shot back, before plummeting to the ground. He landed on his bottom with a thud. Anon chuckled deviously to himself. When he finally ceased before Spike could light his pant leg on fire again, he looked up at the massive school building that stood before them. It was massive and ornate, being built of crystal and having its own most surrounding the perimeter. It even had a scenic waterfall for some ungodly reason.
“I still don’t get why a ‘School of Friendship’ has to be this well funded.” Anon remarked absentmindedly. “I mean, you’re just teaching people basic social etiquette right? Shouldn’t this stuff be basic knowledge?”
“Well, it only makes sense.” Spike replied. “For thousands of years, all the kingdoms of Equestria have remained isolated from each other. By bringing in students from across the kingdoms and having them learning the Magic of Friendship, we guarantee a harmonious future built by these very students who can bring back the lessons of friendship to their homes!”
“Yeah, but is such a future really going to be achieved by telling a bunch of teenagers sharing is caring?” Anon raised an eyebrow, doubling down on his skepticism. Spike looked up at Anon, perplexed.
“Why wouldn’t it?” Spike asked.
“I’m just speaking from experience.” Anon answer. “Although, I guess humans just make things more complicated than they ought to be.”
“You sure did when you got here.” Spike answered back with a sly smile. “I always did say that Twilight and her friends would help you and you refused. Now look at you!”
Anon turned and glared at the dragon.
“You know, I bet I could pluck those little bastards right off your-“ Anon interrupted by the sight of gaudy carriage being pulled down the road by an elderly stallion. It looked like one of the royal carriages that would be occasionally found in Canterlot in the few times Anon visited. Yet, something about the wagon seemed off. It looked kinda like the ones collecting dust at Sweet Apple Acres, only spruced up to appear more elegant and ornate than it was.
“Oh boy...” Spike muttered, flying next to Anon to get a better look at the carriage. “That’s Filthy Rich’s carriage.”
“Who? Diamond Tiara’s dad?” Anon asked, vaguely remembering his time with Diamond Tiara.
“The one and only.” Spike seemed unimpressed with the carriage. “Although, it’s usually not Filthy Rich that rides them. It’s his wife.”
“Yeah, heard they were going through some rough patches.” Anon looked to Spike for confirmation, but was met with a shrug.
“That kinda stuff is usually Rarity’s wheelhouse.”
Anon raised an eyebrow. “Don’t act like you don’t eavesdrop.”
The carriage drew closer to the two, eventually stopping right next to them. The elderly stallion, who looked more like a butler now that he was closer, gave the human a curt nod in greeting. Anon nodded back cautiously. He was rather shocked that he was the apparent destination and prepared himself for the worst.
He watched as the window of this carriage slowly descended. Inside was indeed a pink mare wearing shades, which only made the human noticed the oddly sharp schnoz. Hell, it looked like a rhinoceros horn. Anon silently noted that it probably helped keeping the shades in place, never mind the fact there was no reason to wear shades inside a carriage unless you were that far up your ass. He further noticed that while the mare looked to be still, he could see by her shoulder that she was in fact turning a crank that lowered the window.
“Would you that, Spike?” Anon joked aloud. “She got the windows that you can roll down. Now, that’s a sign of high society!” He had hoped Spike would have at least chuckled, but the dragon instead looked away, attempting to not be part of the interaction.
“So,” the mare started, pulling her shades down to look at the human. Her cerulean eyes scanned the human, as if she were inspecting him. Anon merely rolled his own. “You’re the alien prowling around town?”
“Shit, I hope I am.” Anon replied. “If there were another one, I’d feel a little less special. What brings you out of your ivory tower?” Spike nudged him in a futile attempt to curb Anon’s usual assholery.
“I was lead to believe that you are friends with the Element Bearers, correct?” The mare removed her glasses entirely. Anon always thought he was the only one in this land of rainbows and magic to be cursed with resting bitch face, but to his surprise, the mare almost had him beat. Her eyes were hard and judgmental, her muzzle a permanent sneer. “You’ve also interacted with my daughter as well, right?”
“Yes to both. Is there a problem?”
“Oh, far from it!” The mare answered with a smile. Yet, the smile did little to convey anything positive. “Actually, it’s quite the opposite. You see, I have certain aspirations for my darling daughter. She is a smart and resourceful filly, just like her mother. However, at her current school, I find that her curriculum has been a little...lacking. Furthermore, I’m worried that the students and teacher there are becoming a bad influence on her. I-“
“You want me to convince Princess-I mean, Principal Sparkle, to enroll your daughter into the School of Friendship.” Anon crossed his arms, cutting to the chase.
“You catch on fast.” The mare sounded impressed. “But that’s not exactly it. See, I know that Principal Sparkle would not allow me to simply buy our daughter a seat in her school. Believe me, I tried.” Anon and Spike rolled their eyes in unison. “So, I was hoping that a gentle-stallion like yourself would instead become a tutor for my daughter.”
“A tutor?” Anon asked. “What’s being her tutor going to do for you?”
“Well, you see, the School of Friendship has a placement test.” The mare rests an arm on the carriage door. “The test covers a whole myriad of pointless subjects, all in the hopes of determining a students willingness to learn and their capacity for learning. I want to ensure that my little Tiara passes that test.”
“And you assume that I know how to prepare her for that?”
“You were a student of Celestia, were you not?” The mare smirked as Anon rubbed his neck.
“I mean, technically.”
“Then that’s good enough for me.”
Spike decided now was the time to cut the conversation short. “Sorry, Ms. Spoiled. But my friend here has no interest in letting someone as mean and rude as Diamond Tiara enter the School of-“
“What’s in it for me?” Anon asked bluntly. Spike’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor, which is impressive given how he flies now.
“The Rich Estate will pay you for your time, of course. 30 bits an hour sounds like enough.”
“Bump it to 50.” Anon smiled devilishly. “I have a life beyond the pony world, so this would be rather inconvenient to my own studies. Besides, as a student of Celestia, you can expect quality lessons that were earned from real experience.” Spike rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. The mare, on the other hand, grinned happily.
“Fine. 50 it is. Come by the Estate tomorrow at noon.” The mare places the shades back over her eyes and leaned into her seat. “I’d give you directions but you’ll know it when you see it.” Wordlessly, the butler begins to pull the carriage once more, carting off the mare down the road. When the wagon was out of earshot, Spike spoke up.
“Are you serious?!” Spike shouted, his wings flapping furiously. “You’re gonna help Spoiled Rich, the rudest, most cutthroat mare in Ponyville!?”
“Hell no!” Anon answered, feigning offense. “The broad has massive Karen energy! Plus, I hate rich people.”
“So then why are you taking a tutoring job for Diamond Tiara of all ponies?”
“Why not Diamond Tiara of all ponies?” Anon turned the question back on the dragon. “She’s not the brat that she was before anymore, right? The CMC got her to be a little nicer, right?”
“Emphasis on a little.” Spike held his claws millimeters apart for emphasis. “She’s still the daughter of the Rich family, and the Rich family aren’t known for their politeness.”
“Neither was I.” Anon retorted. “Spike, it was you that said that by teaching the youth the magic of friendship, they can guarantee a more harmonious future. And what better way to secure that future then with a philanthropist? If Diamond Tiara passes the placement test and gets in the School of Friendship, think about all the things the wealth that the Rich Family hoard can be used for. Urban redevelopment, job creation, outreach centers, you name it, they could buy it.”
“You’re doing that thing again.” Spike noted.
“Doing what?”
“Overcomplicating things.”
“I’m not overcomplicating things!” Anon shouted defensively. “I’m planning ahead! You think that the world will be a better place just because people will be nicer to each other?”
“Yes.” Spike answered bluntly. “Yes I do.”
“Exactly~!” Anon booped Spike on the nose, causing the dragon to reflexively cover it. “And what better way to achieve that goal than a happy, rich filly empowered by the magic of friendship?”
“Okay, okay. You got a point.” Spike relented as he rubbed his nose. “But, why you?”
“What’s that suppose to mean?” Anon asked seriously.
“Anonymous, let’s be real.” Spike said, clasping his claws together. “You’re not exactly teacher material. You’re abrasive, vulgar, and you hardly practice what you preach.”
“Are you saying that I’m not a good role model?” Anon placed his hands on his hips.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Spike answered, mimicking Anon’s gesture. Anon scoffed, throwing his hands in the air.
“Unbelievable.” Anon shook his head. “My own dragon-from-anotha-wagon doesn’t believe in my ability to inspire the youth. Truly, friendship is dead.”
“I just think that you should maybe go about this a little differently?” Spike pleaded. Anon remained quiet for a moment, before suddenly laughing.
“Oh, my little drake.” Anon patted Spike on the head, much to his displeasure. “There is another reason I’m doing this.”
“I’m afraid to ask.” Spike admitted before swatting away Anon’s condescending pets. “But why else are you tutoring for the Rich family.”
Anon holds up his hand. “Five words: Cash Rules Everything Around Me.”