I walked here and there. Canterlot to Ponyville. To Cloudsdale. Into the Canterlot gardens. Into the throne room. Into the School of Friendship. Into the castle. But nowhere seemed to calm the burning in my heart.
The hurt I felt couldn’t be consoled by anyone.
Not by anything.
Never.
“Princess Twilight?” Luster asked me. “Are you okay?”
I could never be okay. Everything was taken away from me. It didn’t matter that my heart beated; it didn’t matter that I was a princess; it didn’t matter that I was anything. It only mattered that I was with my friends. And now that I wasn’t, well… it didn’t matter whether or not I was alive or dead.
“Princess?” She asked again.
But there were other things, other people in my life now, yet those that mattered most were no longer here. What was the point of me being alive? Immortality was a curse that couldn’t be broken.
Everyone was dead. How could I live with this? Seeing the world go by before my eyes, yet be able to do nothing about it.
“Princess?” She repeated.
Luster was here. She was on the same quest that I had been on years ago. I had found friends. Maybe one day she would continue on her quest. But this burden of immortality broke my heart every day.
How I longed to be with those who weren’t here anymore.
“Twilight? Are you okay?” Luster was truly worried about me.
I glanced at her and put on a fake smile. “Of course Luster, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”
Her look of shock was replaced by one of curiosity. “Okay, Princess. But, um, if you don't mind me asking, what have you been thinking about? You seem to zone out a lot, and I’m getting freaked out.”
People worried about me. But I wasn’t worried about myself. “It’s fine. I’m fine, Luster. Why don’t you get back to Sunny and Auri?” I asked her. She was with her friends a lot.
But mine were gone. There were still the princesses. But knowing that I was going to be in this life forever and my best friends were never going to return. My brother. My parents.
“Yeah, I’m meeting them in around ten minutes, but are you sure you’ll be okay, Princess Twilight?” Luster asked me again.
No. I could never be okay. My friends were gone. My B.B.B.F.F was gone, and the ‘forever’ could never be true. “Of course, Luster, I’m fine. Go on to Sunny and Auri, and of course, Saphie. She just can’t stop reading books, can she? It kind of reminds me about myself.” I held tears in. “See you, Luster.” I waved.
“Okay then. Take care, Princess!” She waved, and ran off to her friends.
No matter how many friends I would make, they would never be as true as those I had made years ago.
I walked around the castle. Everything was perfect - from the curtains to the floor. There was none of Pinkie’s confetti. None of Rarity’s designs or random pieces of cloth here and there. None of Apple Jack’s applesauce or apples that she always bought with her. None of Rainbow Dash’s Wonderbolts posters. Not even Fluttershy’s critters.
I opened the memory book; they had given me it before they all, one by one, departed from the world.
There was one that was taken after we defeated Nightmare Moon. Pinkie, of course, had a party cannon, and we were all wearing the Elements of Harmony. I flicked to the next page, where we were all in dresses, designed by Rarity of course, at the Grand Galloping Gala. I flicked to the next, and the next, and tears were pouring down my cheeks.
The moments with my best friends were unforgettable. We did so much together. We even trusted our lives with each other. One by one, they all left. I flicked to the next - it was Cadence’s wedding. Well, her real wedding, after we defeated Queen Chrysalis.
We worked together. Whether it was one of their problems or one of my problems, if it was one of their problems, then it became our problem.
Even Spike was getting old. Soon, he would leave me as well. Number one assistant. The little brother Shining and I never realised we had. I would be left alone. Everyone who I ever cared about was going to leave me.
No-one but princesses were immortal. I couldn’t love without experiencing pain. I couldn’t make friends without experiencing pain. There was certain pain in everything I would do. Because I would have to see it die before me. The world would go by before me, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything.
Luster would go. Her friends would go. The cutie mark crusaders will go. Everyone would go. Yet I would still have to live in this cursed world. I would have to witness everyone go, yet my time could never come.
Yes, I could still die. But I couldn’t. Suicide wasn’t an option. Why wouldn’t someone just kill me?
Change. Everything would change. The people would change. Things would change. Yet there was me. I could never change. My thoughts would never change. True, the honesty, the loyalty, the kindness, the generosity and the laughter were still in the world. But my best friends weren’t here.
I would trade anything to be with them again. It was selfish. But I would trade my long life to have just one more day with them.
If I did tell Luster, she could never understand. Only the princesses could understand.
Rarity departed, then Rainbow Dash, then Fluttershy, then Pinkie Pie, followed by Apple Jack.
One after the other, they all left.
“Twilight?” Rarity asked. “Twilight, darling, promise me something.” Tears were pouring down my cheeks. “Of course, Rarity…” “Twilight, make sure you make friends. The Princess of Friendship needs to make friends, alright? Don’t be afraid to make better friends than us. We’ve all lived our lives, while you may not have an end. Pain comes all the time, darling, but there are so many more people out there. Promise me, one day, you will find another friend. If someone gives you love, don’t be afraid to take it. If someone loves you, return it, darling, alright?” She smiled. My heart was racing. “But Rarity…” “Promise me?” Rarity repeated, her breaths growing deeper and deeper. “No Rarity, please…” “Please Twilight. You know well who and who not to make friends with. Friends will be one of the most valuable things you will ever get. I don’t want you to be lonely, darling. So please, promise me.” Her breaths became deeper and deeper, and she looked at me anxiously. “Please Twilight.” A tear came down her cheek. “Of course…” I forced myself to say.
She smiled, like the true purpose of life had been fulfilled. “Bye, everyone.” The five of us burst into tears.
“We love you Rarity…” Pinkie cried.
“We’ll miss you so much…” Fluttershy sobbed.
“Bye Rarity. We love you…” Apple Jack cried. “We’ll never forget that fashion of yours.”
“Rarity, I’ll miss you… and there are only a rare number of people who make me think that.” Tears started flowing down Rainbow Dash’s cheeks. “We’ll miss you.”
“Bye girls…” Rarity croaked. She closed her eyes, and departed from this world.
“Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Hmm?”
She sighed. “Do you remember that time when I told you I never leave my friends hanging? Well, I think… today… I’m leaving you girls. Twilight, promise that you’ll find love somewhere. Whether that’s friendship or the - ew - other love, just find it, okay? Because I can’t leave my friends hanging, and whether they’re alive or dead, they’re still my friends. So make sure you do that, okay, Twi?” “But Rainbow…” I sobbed. “Twi, please.” “But…” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Twi, death doesn’t allow me to be loyal, so just promise me, okay?” “Okay…” I nodded. “Okay Twi.” She took a deep breath. “Bye.” “Rainbow, we’ll miss you…” Fluttershy sobbed. “Rainbow, thanks for everything!” Pinkie cried. “Rainbow, we’ll see who’s a better pony in the afterlife, okay?” Tears started falling down Apple Jack’s cheeks. Rainbow laughed. “Blame death for my lack of loyalty.” She took one last breath. “Bye girls.” And she also departed from this world.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy coughed. “Twilight, I need to tell you something.” “Oh my gosh, Fluttershy, are you okay?” Fluttershy rarely talked. She loved her critters. “Twilight, please, make sure you make friends, Twilight. Please. Kindness takes you to many places, Twilight, but death doesn’t listen to any kind act. There are more good people out there, Twilight. Be kind. Make friends Twilight. I love you. But promise me you will. I can’t stand seeing anyone sad…” She took a deep breath. “Fluttershy, no…” I sighed, trying to keep the tears in. “Twilight, you need to. Please.” She begged. “Okay…” I managed to say. “Good.” Fluttershy paused. “Bye…” “Bye, Fluttershy. We’ll miss you…” Apple Jack sighed. “Oh, Fluttershy, oh my gosh, no… thanks for everything!” Pinkie cried. “Oh my gosh, Fluttershy…” Discord’s eyes widened. “Bye… ” Fluttershy took one last breath before closing her eyes and leaving the world as well.
“Twilight? Twilight…” Pinkie Pie sighed. “You can’t be happy all the time, can you?” I sighed. “No, you can’t, can you?” “But Twilight, please, don’t be afraid to make friends. Sure, we’re the bestest friends you’ve ever met, but there are so many more out there. You can’t laugh and be happy all the time, but friends make it all better. Once we’re all gone then you need to make some friends, please Twilight, we care about you. At the end, it might hurt, but it’ll be worth it.” Pinkie took deeper and deeper breaths. “But-” “Please.” “Of course.” I replied. “Okay.” She took another deep breath. “Bye AJ.” “Bye Pinkie.” Tears fell down Apple Jack’s cheeks. “Bye Pinkie. Love you…” Cheese Sandwich gently pressed his lips against hers. She smiled. “Bye…” And Pinkie too departed.
“Twilight?” Apple Jack asked. “AJ?” Twilight replied. “Twilight, I’ve been honest to everyone, and it’s time for you to be honest with me. Please make more friends, Twilight. I’ve seen that look in your eyes. Please Twilight, be honest with me. Making friends is hard, but when you’re friends with someone, then it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. The loss hurts, but you would rather have a good life with friends than a dull life without them.” She paused. “Promise me that you’ll make friends.” “I promise, Apple Jack.” I sobbed. “Honestly?” “Honestly.” I agreed. “Bye, then.” She smiled. “Bye Apple Jack.” Apple Bloom cried. “Yup.” Big Mac wiped a tear going down his cheek. And she closed her eyes and left me too.
“Twilight. Just listen to me. Stop doing this to yourself. Go out there and make friends!” Spike told me. “Stop being blinded by people who aren’t here anymore!” Spike said.
“How can I not be blinded by them, Spike?”
“It’s been years, Twilight! Don’t you think that it’s about time to move on!”
“It’s never time to move on!”
He scratched his head. “Twilight. Please, try to understand. You can’t live your life like this. Please, Twilight, I can’t see you like this any longer.”
“What if you don’t see me at all?”
Spike’s eyes widened. “Twilight, you- you know you can’t do that. That isn’t an option. You can’t-”
“Spike. I can. I will. I will do it. I can’t live like this anymore, Spike!” I cried. Spike could never understand what I was feeling. Never. He didn’t know what it was like seeing everyone just pass in front of him. There was only me. I was the only one who knew.
“Twilight. Please.” He coughed.
“Wait, Spike? Spike! Are you okay?” I asked, as he choked, and another one of Princess Celestia’s letters emerged.
“Well, Princess Celestia hasn’t used that method in ages.” He gasped.
He’s right about that thing. What would Celestia want?
Dear Princess Twilight,
Twilight. You need to stop doing this to yourself.
Do you understand that there is a whole world out there? I have been lenient and understanding with you. It’s true, you lost your parents and anyone who you cared about, but you can’t stay like this forever. Your friends would never wish for this to happen to you. It’s time to fulfill the promise that you made to each of your friends.
The honesty, kindness, generosity, loyalty and laughter aren’t gone from this world. They’re still here, deep in your heart. There is a magic inside of you that no-one can take away.
I understand how you feel. Generations have gone by before me, yet here I am. I live because there’s love all around me. But Twilight, the tears have blinded you from seeing it. Make friends again, Twilight.
I have loved you like my own daughter, but it hurts not only me to see you like this. Please, Twilight. For my sake, for your sake. Listen to me.
Princess Cadence also wanted me to inform you that she will be coming to Canterlot in the next few days.
Celestia
“How can I make friends again?” I mumbled.
“Twilight?” I heard Spike’s voice repeating my name.
“Aha?” I looked up from the letter, keeping the tears from swelling up in my eyes. “Yes, Spike?”
Spike scratched his head. “Something on your mind, Twilight? You know, you're not alone. Look all around you. There are so many people who would understand your problems. Just believe, Twilight.”
“Spike, no-one can understand my problems, not even you.” I said bluntly. So much for the princess of friendship.
“T-Twilight? Luster is here. With her friends.” Spike said, holding the door open for six mares.
“Princess Twilight? You’ve already met my friends, Auri, Sunny, Saphie, Galaxy and Tinted.” Luster said, biting her lip.
“Of course, hi girls.” I said, quickly folding the letter up and putting it on a nearby table.
“Hi.” The six of them chorused. These girls remind me of us. Only us isn’t us anymore. It’s… it’s just me.
“Princess Twilight, I’m… I’m just so tired, and so scared of seeing you like this. I can’t do it anymore. It’s killing everyone, Princess. Everyone around you is so worried… and… I just can’t take it anymore! Maybe it’s about time I teach you a lesson. It hurts when the knife plunges deep into your skin, but it hurts even more when you keep pushing it in.” She burst out of the room. So it’s time for the student to teach the teacher, eh? If only Starlight were still here to teach me that lesson again.
Auri sighed. “So sorry, Princess, we’ll just… go.” The five friends bowed and ran after her.
“Auntie Twilight?” A voice came from behind.
“AGH!” I shuddered. “Oh, uh, sorry, Flurry, is everything alright?”
She nodded. “Of course, auntie. Is everything alright… for you? You… you… you okay?”
“Flurry, you know, you are just as surprising as you used to be when you were young.” I changed the topic. “Twilight. Just tell me what’s on your mind.” Flurry persevered.
“No-”
“Twilight?” Cadence entered the room.
I gave her a weak smile. “Sunshine, sunshine…”
She returned it. “Ladybugs awake.”
“Clap your hooves…”
“And do a little shake.” She ended. “It’s… it’s great to see you again.”
“Y-yeah. Me too. I’ve… I’ve missed you Cadence.” I said.
“I’ve missed you too, Twilight.” She said, glancing at Flurry. “Flurry, honey, why don’t you go to your room?”
Flurry took a quick look at me, before returning her gaze to Cadence. “Of course, mother.” She said, before leaving the room.
“So… h-how’s it been going?” Cadence asked, her hoofs trembling.
“I.. It’s been going… okay.” I said awkwardly, as tears gathered up in my eyes, as one fell down my cheek, she glanced at me as her own started pouring down her face.
“Twilight. I miss him. I miss him so much.” She whispered, as I put my hoofs around her. “I MISS HIM SO MUCH!” She shouted.
“Yeah. I miss him too. M-my B-B.B.B.F.F. Except the forever in big-brother-best-friend-forever was never right.” I whispered.
“They’re never coming back.” She whispered. “It hurts. And it hurts even more that we can’t join them, and they can’t join us.” She sighed, clearly attempting to keep tears in. “When he was d-d-dying, he-he said t-to not be afraid t-to love someone again.” She whispered. “Only there was the only stallion I could love.” She pulled free from the hug, and wiped a tear from her eye.
“Every one of my friends told me to make friends again. B-but how? How can I do that?” Tears started falling down my cheeks again.
“Twilight, I can’t do it anymore.” It was barely a whisper. “I’ll go back to my room now. See you tomorrow, Twilight.” She gave me another hug and left the room.
Tears poured down my eyes. I miss you so much, girls. What happened to the ‘forever’ in BFF’s?
“Twilight? Where is mother?” Flurry asked me as she took a mouthful of pancakes.
“Don’t worry, Flurry, I’m sure she will be down in a minute.” I sighed. There were pancakes and donuts and everything that there could possibly be for a party. Pinkie Pie always hosted the best parties.
“Okay, Twilight.” She said with a mouthful.
I smiled. My mind filled with memories of Pinkie’s organised breakfasts… and fun times I had with my friends.
I heard Pinkie Pie’s loud voice. “I’M PANCAKE! I mean - awake.” I shouted, and gave another goofy smile to one of my friends. I spent a whole night helping out Pinkie Pie with pancake flavours, so I must have fallen asleep. But this castle… “Uh, Twah-light, is there something ya wanna tell us?” Applejack asked. Rarity approached, taking the pancake out of my hair. “You know how much we appreciate all you do for us, and we simply adore having you around, buuuuut, we’re worried you might be, mmmm, avoiding… something else?” She put a hoof to her chin. I looked away, and glanced back at Rarity. “Oh, it’s been that obvious?” My friends nodded. “I… uh… I’ve been… well, the thing is… it’s… it’s silly… but I… I’ve been… I’ve been avoiding this place.” I sighed. Rarity gave me a shocked face. Oh, please, I beg you Rarity. Do not say ‘Of all the things that could have happened. This. Is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing!’ “Of all the places in Equestria, why would you want to avoid such a gorgeous castle?” Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared between us two. “Yeah! This place has everything! Big, tall ceilings that make you feel tiny.” She whizzed around the room. “Shiny, new floors that are cold to the touch!” She shuddered whilst lying on the ground. “And it even has looooong empty hallways!” Her voice echoed as she pushed the door open. She appeared right next to me. “Oookay. I get it.” She casually put a hoof on my shoulder. I sighed. “The castle is amazing, but… I just… it… it doesn’t feel like home.” I sighed. Rarity giggled. “You simply need to decorate, dah-ling, make this space your own!” She said excitedly.
Rarity lifted the doughnut with her magic. “Post-apocalyptic doughnuts. Interesting choice.” I nodded. “I know, but there’s going to be plenty of time for all the challenges and struggles and adventures to come. For now, I just want to spend a quiet moment with the six best friends I’ve ever had.” I took a bite of my doughnut. Applejack glanced at Pinkie. “Well, mostly quiet.” “It’s like the end of an era.” Fluttershy said. “Or the beginning of an even more awesome era.” Rainbow Dash took a bite of her doughnut. “All I know is that whatever comes next is going to be perfect.” I said. “How’d you know that?” Spike asked from beside me. I smiled. “With you guys by my side, how could it not?” We all burst out laughing.
“Well, mother is quite late today. And… she’s never late for breakfast.” Flurry sighed.
“Well, Flurry, I was late for my coronation. And… it didn’t exactly go as I expected.” I smiled, taking a doughnut.
“Oooh, really? I wanna hear about it!” She said excitedly.
“Well, okay. I was so nervous about moving to Canterlot, and I went around asking my friends to tell me how they felt about it. It seemed like they didn’t care. But on the day of my coronation… I realised that they were only pretending that they don’t care so that they don’t get worried, and, well, we were late for the train to Canterlot, and each one of my friends faced different problems. Rainbow Dash with the Wonderbolts, Fluttershy with her critters, Applejack with her apple deliveries, and Rarity with her star-spider sash, or whatever she called it. And don't forget Pinkie's fireworks.” Wow, reminiscing our memories feels so… good. “And then there were sheeps that were in the middle of the train track, and we reached Canterlot suuuuuuper late. I quickly got my dress on, and when Rarity got the sash ready. And… well… I think she forgot to get rid of the spiders… and Fluttershy’s critters did not react well to that, placing the crown on my head. Don’t forget the Wonderbolts and the fireworks clashing… and Big Mac mixed up the apple delivery. It was… crazy! It did not go in any way we possibly imagined… but I would not have it any other way.” I smiled.
“Well, the best memories are just unforgettable, good think it’s stuck in your memory box.” She giggled, and tapped her head, before taking another bite of her pancakes.
Power ponies. Why was everyone forgetting about me? Why would Spike leave the Power Ponies behind? HOW COULD I LEAVE MY FRIENDS BEHIND?
“Twilight?” I heard Spike open the door. “Starlight is supposed to come over soon. There’s a little… something we wanted to give you. You know, before we leave.” What, throw the, now years, of friendship I gave you right back at my face? How could you… my friends… I can’t bear to be without you? Spike walked over to me. “Ya know what, I… think you’re right, Twilight. I should take my comics to Canterlot.” He picked up the comic. “I can’t leave the Power Ponies behind.” I looked down at my hooves. “I… I don’t think the Power Ponies care, Spike!” I sighed, and looked up at him. “J-just like all of our friends.” I looked back down. “They don’t care.” I mumbled under my breath. “Alright Twah-light.” I heard Applejack’s voice. “Are you ready?” All my friends appeared behind Applejack. “We all wanted to see you off, but there’s still a lot to do.” Spike turned around, a confused expression growing on his face. “Aren’t you coming on the train?” I turned around. “I gotta go with Big Mac so we can go over the packing list. Or we won't know who gets what deliveries.” Applejack said, with what looked like… a fake smile. Rainbow flew a few feet off the ground. “And I’m gonna go meet the Wonderbolts so we can go over the routine… one last time.” “I’m going with Gummy.” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. “He saaaid he knows when the fireworks display should start.” She put her hoof down. “BUT DOES ANY PONY REALLY BELIEVE THAT!” Fluttershy stepped forward. “And I need to pick up food for the swans and doves who flew ahead to Canterlot. If I don’t get them fed, they’ll be too pooped to perform.” Pooped indeed. Well, if this was what I made friends for, what was the point? I might as well go die. “Well, I’ll be living in Canterlot alone, might as well take the train alone too.” I walked towards the door. “Bye, I guess.” I said vaguely. “Oh, you won’t be taking the train alone, dah-ling.” Rarity said. What has she got to say now? “I’ve got just enough time on the train to weave the star-spider sash.” Rarity trotted behind me and pushed me. “But we must leave now. There’s no time to dawdle if you want the coronation to be peeerrrrfect!” Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Everything needs to be perfect. Who cares about how I feel? Oh right. No-pony. “THAT’S THE PROBLEM!” I shouted. “You’re all so… worried about making my coronation perfect, but I’m leaving Ponyville, and none of you even CARE!” Tears started to fill my eyes. They all gasped. Well, this was what I made friends for, huh. “Of course we care that you’re moving, Twah-light.” Applejack took a step forward.
So… they do care?
“I can’t believe that you think we don’t…” Fluttershy whispered.
What?
“What could possibly make you think that?” Pinkie Pie asked.
R-really?
“I tried to talk to you… to tell you how I was feeling.” I said truthfully. “But you seemed more worried about what you had to do for the coronation…” I felt a tear fall down my cheek.
Spike stepped forward. “It’s true, I was there.” So the Power Ponies are staying, huh.
Rarity put a hoof to her chest. “I… I suppose it gave us something else to focus on…”
“I sah-pose you were worried about everything changing.” Applejack started. Sure I was. Glad you realised. “I guess I made it seem like everything was okay, it would be.” Applejack looked down.
“I was just trying to make you feel better.” Fluttershy looked down. Definitely feels better, girls. “That way I wouldn’t feel so terrible.”
I sighed. “Before I moved to Ponyville, I didn’t really know what friendship was.” I closed my eyes. “You’ve all taught me so much, I can’t believe it might be ending!”
It was going to be ending. It had to end. Celestia had to make me immortal, after all.
“Auntie Twilight?” Flurry asked me, taking another mouthful of pancakes.
“Hmm?” I shifted my gaze to Flurry.
“You okay?”
“Of course, you just got me reminiscing.” I took a mouthful of pancakes, and forced the corners of my mouth into a smile.
That was when I noticed a knife on the corner of the table.
No, Twilight, no, Stop it, you can’t do this.
“Auntie Twilight?” I heard Flurry’s alarmed voice.
I bought the knife closer to my hoof. But there’s no-one who can understand you. No-one who understands your pain. There’s no-one who knows what you’re feeling.
“Auntie Twilight!” Flurry repeated, her voice slightly trembling.
I bought the knife another inch closer. End your life. Don’t spend your life in sorrow. Die and be happy.
“Twilight!” Flurry screamed. I looked up, and looked at my hoof, which had a deep cut in it. “Twilight, what are you doing?” She screamed, as I cut the knife deeper into my skin.
That was when I felt a dizzying sensation come over me.
At least I can leave this world and return to happiness…
“Twilight!” I woke up on my bed. I looked around to see Flurry and Luster with worried expressions on my faces.
I’m not dead yet. Great. I looked down at my hoof, which had a bandage around it. I sat up. “Where’s Cadence?”
“She’s in her room, asleep, I think.” Flurry said quickly. “Auntie, are you alright?” She asked again.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” I reassured them. I AM NOT FINE! HOW CAN I BE FINE? “So… why did you do that?” Luster asked, barely a whisper.
“Do what?” I asked. She means the suicide attempt, doesn’t she? WHY CAN’T I JUST DIE? I’m tired of seeing the day. “That.” She replied.
“I- uh…” I sighed, trying to keep tears in.
A guard came rushing in. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Flurry Heart… there’s something you ought to see.”
