The tale of a broken human, afraid of putting himself back together
Franco Herman is not someone that's easy to get along with. His perspective is bleak, and he seems to not enjoy the company of others. Why this is, he'd rather leave unsaid. Unfortunately for him, that's not going to stop the denizens of this strange new environment he's found himself in from trying anyway. How will he adapt?
Told in the fist person. Takes place near the end of Season 2.
Hope you enjoy! Criticism, constructive or otherwise, is greatly appreciated!
I have decided to upkeep a journal, as I was recently thrust into a coma and I’m worried about potential memory loss. In order to prevent such a thing, I’ll record my- shall I call them adventures?- in this journal and keep it as up-to-date as possible. Leaving out whatever I deem inappropriate, of course.
Brief introductions for my future self would be appropriate, though. My name is Franco Herman, although recent circumstances would likely have me changing that fairly soon. Not for any legal reason, mind you; more so due to the effects of magical persuasion. I digress, I’ll get to that when I come to it. For now, let’s start with my arrival in this strange new world.
February 23rd 2052 Much of my memory of said arrival and slightly before it is foggy, hence one of the reasons for the journal, but from what I can remember, I awoke in a dark forest to the distinct sound of monstrous roaring. If there’s one thing my time in the military taught me, it’s that if I hear any loud noises, no matter what they are, and don’t start moving immediately, I’m dead. So, I sprung up from where I was lying and made a conscious effort to move as quickly as possible, while making sure that I was leaving as little a trail as I could to prevent interested parties from tailgating me.
My stealthy efforts were eventually rewarded with finding a straight dirt path, one that could hopefully lead me to some sort of civilization. Realizing that I should have a relative amount of safety now that I was travelling down what I thought was a man-made path, my mind began flooding with questions akin to where I was, how I got here, where the road I was taking would lead me, and so on. Not to mention that admittedly terrifying roaring that I would occasionally hear get further and further away from me. I noted that it was a really good thing that monster managed to not knock over any trees on its path while it was still near me. I tend to be rather skittish around loud crashing noises nowadays.
After what felt like hours walking down this dirt path, I finally managed to encounter someone from the town that the dirt road was taking me towards. I very distinctly remember being completely fucking dumbstruck at the fact that she flew down to greet me. Still have a hard time getting over that, by the way. Well, I say “greet” but it’s more like “assaulted,” I guess? Once she flew down to about eye-level for me, she hovered there for a minute, scanning me very carefully from a distance before actually talking.
“What are you?” Of all things, it had to be a blue, talking, miniature pegasus asking me what I was. What a ridiculous situation to be in for my first encounter with a technically alien species.
I stood there for a minute just staring at her wings, flapping to keep herself in the position she was in.
She gave me a skeptical look before continuing, “Can you talk?”
Before I even got the chance to respond she immediately asked, “Do. You. Un-der-sta-”
“Stop that!” I cut her off. “I’m very capable of understanding your language. I was just… surprised.”
“Well, you don’t have to be rude…” she muttered under her breath. I still wonder if she knew I could hear her say that. I should probably ask her one of these days.
“What are you, and where am I?”
She gave me a blank stare, “My name’s Rainbow Dash, by the way. Thanks for asking.”
“You probably shouldn’t share information like that on a whim,” I retorted. “Neither of us have any idea whether the other is friend or foe.”
She blinked a couple times before giving a quizzical stare. “Well, if you were a bad guy, you would have attacked me by now.”
Okay, scratch foe. I guess she’s just an idiot.
“So you got a name or what?” She stopped flapping her wings and stood normally on the ground. I knew she had to be short, but she was practically half my height. Around 2’11” if I’m being generous.
“I…” I racked my brain for an answer, but for the life of me it just wouldn’t come. The side effect of travelling dimensions at play, clearly. Well, either that or I hit my head on something during my transfer over here. I’ll never know. “I should.”
“Are you gonna tell me or not?” She was clearly getting annoyed, and I didn’t want the only source of information I’ve come into contact with brush me off.
“I would, if I remembered it at the moment.”
“So…” She gave me a deadpan stare. “You don’t remember it.”
Given the circumstances, I could see how she thought I was lying to her. Unfortunately, I was telling the truth. “I probably bumped my head on something. I’m sure it’ll come to me soon enough.”
“Hmm…” She started flapping her wings again, lifting her body up to examine my face. “I guess it can’t hurt to bring you to Twilight. Maybe she’ll know something about this.”
I nodded. I wasn’t about to turn down a chance at some more information, not only about where I was, but what I was dealing with to boot. Clearly I would need it, given this first encounter.
We started to walk down the path with her slightly in the lead, before she stopped dead in her tracks and tilted her head around to look at me. “But if you do anything to hurt my friends, I guarantee you’ll regret it.”
With how unbelievably naive she was being, a statement like that was a refreshing change of pace. At least she didn’t let her nature screw over everyone else around her.
“I’ll keep it in mind.”
We walked a bit of distance on this dirt road before the trees above us finally all cleared up. I had to blink and squint a couple of times to readjust to the light. All the while, I couldn’t help but feel I was still being followed by something lurking just out of our sight. Despite the path we were treading being fairly well-lit, the excessive amount of trees provided excellent cover for any who would try some form of espionage. Perhaps it was old habits kicking back in, inflicting more paranoia than I usually feel, but it made the walk incredibly unnerving.
“Hey, so…” she piped up again, interrupting my focus. “What are you, anyway?”
Oh right, I never did answer this question. Then again, she didn’t answer mine either. “I could ask the same of you. As for an actual answer to that question, human.”
“Who- hoo- hyuman? Can’t say I’ve heard of it. Are there a lot of you?”
“We should be the dominant species on the planet, but since you’ve clearly never heard of us, that isn’t the case.”
“So what, are you, like, an alien or something?”
“That depends. What planet are we on?”
She came to a halt in the middle of the road. “No. Way.” She turned around and looked back up at me, “You’re actually an alien!”
Clearly she’s just going to ignore every question that comes at her. It’s likely I’ll have to save all my questions for this “Twilight” person. I can only hope they’ll be of more use than this one.
She nudged my leg with her appendage, “Seriously, this is so exciting! An actual, real alien encounter! Twilight’s gonna flip when she sees you!”
Her enthusiasm, while appropriate at the time, was most certainly not something I was in the mood for. I rolled my eyes as I continued to walk. “Congratulations. You have the honor of making first contact.”
As I walked in front of her, I could hear her wings begin to flap once more. With each step I walked, the flapping drew closer until it was practically on top of me. Every single primal and trained instinct I had was screaming at me to take some sort of evasive action, so I immediately side stepped and pivoted on my foot to whirl around so that I could see exactly what she was trying to do. My efforts apparently weren’t in vain, as I now gazed upon one of her front hooves, now cocked back in what I could only interpret as a punch.
She stared at me in utter disbelief before whistling. “Those are some crazy reaction times, hyooman!”
I hopped back a bit as I braced myself for combat. “It isn’t wise to pick a fight with someone double your size.”
“Woah, chill, dude!” She flapped her wings forward a couple times, sending her back a couple feet. “You said I could have first contact.”
“Wha-?” My guard lapsed momentarily as I struggled to process her train of thought. “So… you were going to hit me because…?”
“Well, duh. That’s what ‘first contact’ means, right?”
I felt like a statue, standing so completely still as I stared at her. The thought hadn’t occurred to me that a concept such as “first contact” hadn’t been considered in their culture, let alone that she’d misinterpret it in such a manner. Either that or she was more of an idiot than I gave her credit for. Quite simply, I was completely dumbstruck.
“That’s... not…” I trailed off, struggling to find the words to continue this stupid conversation.
Her face flashed with annoyance as she looked on at me expectantly. Over the flapping of her wings, and right before she was about to speak up, I could hear something rustle slightly in the bushes behind her. Whatever I thought was tailgating me must have snuck up on us during my struggle with apparent culture shock and proceeded to wait for this opportunity to strike.
Green eyes slowly starting lighting up the bushes surrounding us, increasing in number as they got closer. There seemed to be 5 sets of eyes that I could count from all the rustling bushes. Looks like I was right about being trailed. These things were waiting for me to get in a position to be ambushed. It’s likely they tracked me by scent, the one thing I hadn’t counted on getting tracked by. Typical.
One of the pair of eyes lunged forward from the darkness, aiming right for the blue pegasus in its path. “Get back!” Using my left arm, I pulled her by one of her hooves behind me and swung my other arm forward, getting a clean, solid hit on our aggressor.
I was now able to get a good look at the source of the pair of eyes that stared intently at us, since my punch made it crash into a nearby tree: a wolf-like creature. It seemed to have some sort of wood armor and leaves all over it. I only wish my initial deduction was correct.
“Timberwolves?!” She yelped behind me. “These things are bad news! Run!” I heard her wings begin to flap furiously and very quickly grow distant.
I can’t believe that a bumbling idiot like that is smart enough to recognize when there’s too much danger to deal with and implement the Joestar family’s secret technique. Speaking of which...
I ran after her along the path, trailing behind her with the distance she created between us. I could hear that these “timberwolves” were still chasing after us, hot on my trail from the sound of it. I figured it was likely that I wouldn’t be able to outrun them, given my bipedal nature, so I decided to look for the nearest blunt object I could find along my path and use it.
My continued running led me to come across a wooden sign. I didn’t have the chance to read what it said, but I imagined it was some sort of welcoming sign to the town the pegasus was leading me towards. I swiftly made my way over to it and kicked it as hard as I could, breaking it away from the ground so I could use it to defend myself. Picking up the now broken sign, I whirled it around 180 degrees and happened to make it collide with one of the wolves. The wolf practically exploded on contact with my force, leaving nothing but a pile of sticks and leaves. Well, that was bizarre. At the very least, two down, three more to go.
Wielding the sign in its current state is what I imagined a dual sided battle ax to feel like, a weapon that hasn’t seen use who knows how long. The only melee weapon training that I had was some knife training from CQC and kendo, so using a blunt weapon of this size and nature put me on edge. Unbelievably uncomfortable. Despite said discomfort, I decided to ready a stance I learned from kendo and centered myself against the last three wolves. Two of them rushed me this time, to which I stepped forward and hammered my makeshift weapon down onto the one on the right, causing it to explode similar to the last one. This left me just enough time to parry the left one, shoving the length of the sign into its mouth. At this point the last wolf realized it needed to attack me here, so it charged forward, forcing me to swing my weapon along with the wolf attached to it horizontally towards my right. The action ripped some of the wolf’s wooden teeth straight out of its mouth as the last two wolves smashed into each other, stunning them long enough to not only ready another overhead strike, but to use it to smash them as well. There were piles of wood fucking everywhere now, but I managed to take care of them just fine.
I took a moment to catch my breath a little, trying to maintain what little remained of my composure. Fighting was something I went out of my way to abstain from after the war. I suppose it would be a bit more accurate to say that I couldn’t fight after the war. Not for long, anyway. It’s what kendo was supposed to help me with in the first place, and I suppose it paid off considering I was still in one piece both physically and mentally after killing or incapacitating five of those things. All this after interacting with a technicolor pegasus that tried to assault me. What a strange day. It probably could have been the fact that I still thought this was a dream- or maybe, more accurately, a nightmare- that allowed me to keep it together for so long. Denial apparently works wonders on the human psyche, who knew?
My stupid jokes aside, it was at this point that I noticed that the blue pegasus from earlier brought over five others- with equally ridiculous colors- back over to where I had been fighting these so-called timberwolves.
“Jesus Christ, how many hallucinogens did I take yesterday?” I muttered.
“Rainbow, dear, is this the one you said needed help?” The white one spoke up, giving a concerned look at me.
“Well, eh… yeah…?” She flew over next to me and looked around at the piles of wood that now littered the area. “But I guess this hyooman took care of it all on their own!”
She had attempted, yet again, to use her hoof to strike me. This time was on the back, so I sidestepped away from her to prevent it from connecting. “Don’t touch me,” I glared at her.
“Yeesh, what a barrel of laughs you are.” She rolled her eyes at me.
I continued glaring at her. Don’t give me that, you abomination of nature. You were the one who left me here to handle these things on my own.
“...Anywho, Rainbow, what is this- er…” The orange one trailed off as she looked at me. I knew what she was going to say.
The purple one with the horn took it upon herself to invade my personal space and studied me intently. “Fascinating. I’ve never seen your species before,” She continued looking up and down my body, occasionally stopping at certain parts, before finally continuing, “Are you ape descended?”
Well, color me impressed. I guess it’s just the blue and orange ones that are idiots. “Correct. Latin classification is homo sapiens sapiens. Commonly referred to as humans where I come from.”
“I assumed she was exaggerating, but Rainbow said you were an alien before. Are you really from another planet?” Her eyes seemed like they could be searchlights with how much she was beaming right about now.
“Not sure. I’d have to get a good look at your constellations at night to confirm or deny that possibility. It may only be a technicality that I’m an alien.”
“P-p-parallel universes?” Her eyes widened even further than I thought possible as a big, dopey grin formed on her face. It was pretty rare to come across another so interested and well-versed in scientific study, even back home, so this was most definitely a welcome change of pace in comparison to dealing with the abusive pegasus.
“Er, Twilight? I think y’all might wanna have this conversation later.” The orange one pointed her front hoof over at something behind me, causing me to whirl my head around to see what she was referring to.
The piles of sticks from the fallen wolves had slowly started to come together, clumping into one massive pile seemingly all on their own. The pile began to take shape, shifting and swirling to form legs, a torso, and a wolf head, with leaves and some sticks flowing together into a tail. Its green eyes glowed as it let out a massive howl. The thing was massive, easily matching the nearby trees’ height. This was going to be a problem.
It was at this point that I was convinced I was just in a shitty, dated JRPG. Dark forest? Mythical enemies that can magically shapeshift into being a larger version of themselves? On overly colorful assortment of side characters? And who the fuck makes signs out of wood anymore? Most- if not all- of them are metal or LEDs nowadays. Speaking of wood, the now massive singular timberwolf readied a swipe at us, to which I used the wooden sign still in my hand to parry it away, breaking my makeshift weapon in the process.
“Girls, plan?!” the orange one screamed.
“Large timberwolves have cores that allow them to reform!” Twilight shouted back, “If we can remove the core, it shoul- Whoa!”
I pulled her back out of the range from the next swipe, gaining a couple feet distance.
She gave me a sheepish grin, “Thanks for the save.”
“Blindly hitting at it until we remove its core is unnecessary. Where’s the most open space this town has?”
“Huh?” She gave me a puzzled look, “I guess the Town Square, why?”
“Then lead it there. Which way?”
“Straight down that way, you can’t miss it.” Her hoof pointed down the path we were on, “What are you planning?”
“Head over there first and clear the area. No sense having anyone get caught up with what I’m about to do to this thing.”
She gave me a concerned look, “I really hope you know what you’re doing. Rainbow!”
“Little busy, Twi’!” Rainbow didn’t pull her attention away from flying literal circles and crazy 8s around this thing to keep it distracted enough so that it couldn’t attack us.
“Head over to Town Square and clear everypony out! We’re gonna lead it there!”
Rainbow looked over at her, completely confused, “You sure?”
“Hurry!”
The blue pegasus broke off from the rest of the group, and flew as fast as she could in the other direction. She could have been mistaken for a blue lightning bolt.
“Now what?” The purple unicorn looked up at me, concern flooding her face and body language.
I raised one of my eyebrows at her. “It’s made of wood. Just burn it.”
“We- we’re gonna burn it? That’s…” She mulled it over for a couple seconds, “Actually not a bad idea. The water fountain in Town Square should allow us to mitigate whatever stray flames make it away from the open space. How are you gonna keep it there?”
Only me? “Simple. Break its fucking legs once we get it there.”
Almost as if she were listening to our conversation, Rainbow came back to report, “Town Square’s all clear, Twi’!
“In ten seconds?” I asked incredulously.
As soon as Rainbow opened her mouth, Twilight immediately stopped her, “Later, Rainbow. This one’s new, remember?” Rainbow huffed before Twilight continued, “Girls, let’s move it out!”
As a unit, we swiftly made our way to Town Square to initiate my plan, the massive wolf desperately trying to swipe and bite at us along the way. We had managed to trap it into an open space once we got there, with all Twilight’s friends surrounding it. Rainbow flew past it at one point, baiting out an attack to leave its left side open. Taking the opportunity, I ran up and drop kicked its front left leg as hard as I could, leaving me flat on the ground after making the hit. Its leg cracked, splintered, and subsequently crumbled under the pressure of its body, forcing it to lie down mere inches away from me. I guess the orange one saw me do this and decided to follow suit with kicking the thing’s right hind leg with her back two hooves. In what looked effortless, she was able to achieve the same result, breaking the other leg.
I guess she’s not as dumb as I thought. I ran back to regroup with Twilight. “If you’ve got a match, now would be a good time to use it.”
She nodded at me. “Girls, stand back!” Once she saw her friends out of harm’s way, her horn lit up with this magenta glow. I wasn’t sure what caused it at the time, but the wooden wolf suddenly burst into flames, squealing a bit as it slowly burned to a crisp. It wasn’t able to move around with its opposite legs broken.
The flames were contained around the beast, and when they finally died down, its pieces slowly began to erode and fly off with every gust of wind that passed. Still not sure why that happened, it was supposed to stay a charcoal mess on the ground, considering it was made of wood. Well, at least that worked. I took a few seconds to sit down at the nearby water fountain, trying to steady myself after being assaulted by these strange wolves. I wasn’t exactly as young as I used to be the last time I fought like that. It took more out of me than I thought.
Now that the fight was over, the six came up to me, still inquisitive as to what I was.
“So, do you have a name?” Twilight asked, staring at me.
“He doesn’t remember.” Rainbow piped up before I could say anything.
I frowned at her. “Actually, all this running around helped the blood flow to my brain a little better. I remembered around when we got to this Square. Franco Herman.”
Rainbow huffed, no doubt annoyed. Even if I had been messing with you, you deserved that.
“Well, Franco, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Twilight Sparkle,” She introduced me to her friends. The rainbow-haired, blue abomination needed no introduction, but the white one was Rarity, the yellow Fluttershy, the pink one appropriately named Pinkie Pie, and I had to struggle to contain my laughter upon knowing the orange one was called Applejack. Had someone been called that back home, they would have been excessively bullied into submission. Matter of fact, any of those names would have received varying degrees of ridicule. Clearly I was dealing with a culture that was vastly different from my own.
“So how’d ya know that was gonna work, Franco?” Applejack asked me after Twilight was done with introductions. She had a very distinct country accent.
“It was made of wood. Why wouldn’t it work? All we had to do was ensure the flames wouldn’t spread.”
It seemed like she wanted to follow up with another question, but Rarity interjected. “Dear, those clothes you’re wearing look positively fascinating.” She intently studied my unassuming outfit. I hadn’t bothered to look at it before, but I was apparently wearing a black hoodie, blue jeans, and some slightly worn-out tennis shoes. Wherever I was going before getting tossed here must not have been very important. “Do you all wear clothes where you’re from?”
The way she spoke gave this air of pretentiousness about her. It really rubbed me the wrong way upon first interacting with her. Made it seem like she was attempting to throw thinly-veiled insults at me through innocuous words and statements. “Yes. It’s taboo to be naked in public where I’m from.”
Rarity seemed shocked at the statement, clearly wanting to press me for more information before being cut off by her pink friend. Pinkie placed her front hooves on my right shoulder as she stood right next to me on the water fountain. “Do you like parties?”
As I used my left hand to brush her hooves off my shoulder, I took extra care to glare at her the entire time I did it. “No.” I had planned on saying something I figured she wouldn’t like to hear even if it wasn’t true because she assaulted my personal space, but I was actually being honest with the topic at hand. Parties and other such social events were never particularly my strong suit. I especially hated surprises, even more so nowadays.
I could see her eye twitch in response to my answer. “B-but, parties… Fun… Why…?”
Twilight walked over to Pinkie and placed a hoof on what I would assume to be their shoulder. I actually don’t remember off the top of my head whether ponies have shoulders or not, so for the sake of convenience on my end, I’ll call it a shoulder. She patted her back a couple times. “There, there. Not everypony enjoys parties as much as you do, Pinkie.” She turned to me. “Maybe we should move this conversation inside? If it’s alright, I’d like to compare our societies.”
I shrugged. “I suppose.”
I rose up from the fountain, towering over all of their heights. The yellow one- Fluttershy- seemed particularly intimidated by this as she squirmed and lowered herself further down into the ground, like a cat readying itself to pounce. I, however, was following Twilight’s lead and opted to ignore that altogether so that I could keep up. We made our way to this tree that had been hollowed out and converted to a building. Twilight said it was the Golden Oaks Library. Clearly I’m going to have to spend a lot of time here. I actually quite liked that they converted a massive tree into a library. Very clever.
I was significantly taller than the doorframe, so in order to get inside, I had to bend all the way down and practically tumble through the entrance. Rainbow apparently wasn’t freakishly short, the average height of their species was just way smaller than mine. The longer I stay here the more I’m going to have to get used to that.
The rest of Twilight’s friends followed us in as she called out, “Spike! Would you get some tea? We have a guest.”
I saw her horn light up again as some nearby stools floated around in the open space of the library. It caught me completely by surprise as I whirled my head around to one that was levitated near me and stared at it. I had my suspicions from the timberwolf fight, but figured it couldn’t have been what I thought it was. Is that…? “You… can use magic?”
I looked over at her to find her staring at me. “Yes! Can you use magic, too?”
She’s lucky I’m not a zealot from the dark ages, I’d have killed her three times over by now. Probably the same way we killed the timberwolf, too, ironically. “Uh, no. Magic is something that’s only discussed in fiction where I’m from. No one can actually use it.”
She gave me a quizzical stare. “Maybe you can but you’re not aware of it? You should be able to, in some capacity.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Every sapient creature has something called a leyline system. This system helps channel the mana around you to perform spells. I can give you a full lecture about it if you want!”
She seemed way too happy upon the suggestion. As much as I hate being lectured, I think I’ll need to hear that later.
“Let’s start with the easy questions first, Twi’.” Applejack piped up. I almost forgot she was there. “We know your name, how old are ya’?”
I was more hoping to squeeze information out of Twilight, but I suppose as long as they don’t ask me questions that are too personal, it’s fine to give them something small. “32.”
“Oh! Are you male or female? What’s your average life expectancy? What’s your profession? What country are you from? Do you use the same dating system as us? What’s your species’ technological standard? Oh, what do you eat?” Twilight’s rapid fire of questions seemed like it would never cease for a second or two.
“Er, Twilight, darling, I don’t think Franco can-” Rarity tried to slow her down, but I didn’t need it.
“Male. In my country, roughly 90-110 depending upon family lineage and general quality of life. Detective. United States of America, located on the continent of North America. I have no idea what dating system you use, but it should be 2052 where I’m from. Technological standard is a bit difficult to describe fully without something to compare it to, but last I checked we were on the cusp of utilizing FTL travel. And my species is omnivorous, so whatever we want.”
My answer got quite a number of strange stares from the girls, excluding Twilight who looked like she was going to explode since I mentioned FTL travel.
“You can eat anything you want?” Rainbow hovered over to me, looking me square in the face. “Even ponies?”
“Were I so inclined,” I said, unflinching. “Although I’m told your species isn’t exactly very palatable.”
She scowled at me. “Is that a threat?”
Don’t play this game with me, you arrogant twit. I’ve had far more experience with it than you have. “That depends. Do you intend to violate my personal space all day?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Applejack slowly walk towards her friend, bite her tail, and yank her down to the ground.
“Hey!” Rainbow whirled her head back to face her friend.
“Why are you antagonizin’ him?” She tried to whisper, but I could still clearly hear her. “If he really wanted to eat us, don’t’cha think he would have tried to eat you when you were alone with ‘em?”
“He could have just not been hungry!” Rainbow made no effort to conceal her concerns the same way Applejack did.
“Oh, fer Celestia’s sake!” I had no idea what that expression was supposed to mean, but she walked over to me apprehensively. “Are ya’... Gonna eat us?”
I shook my head. “I have a feeling that eating sapient species would feel like cannibalism, so I’ll abstain from eating anything sapient as long as I’m here.”
Her whole demeanor changed as she let out a big sigh.
Rarity, who had been watching with apprehension off to the side let out, “Well, that’s a relief.”
“FTL travel?!” Twilight finally echoed about five minutes too late. “Your species can use FTL travel?!”
I shrugged. “Sort of. The technology is there, been tested to work, but right now no singular country has the funding to make it accessible. Stupid political shit. We’ll probably get there in like 30 years if we try hard enough.”
Rarity’s face scrunched up in what I could only assume at the time was confusion. “Pardon me, Twilight, but what’s FTL exactly?”
“Faster Than Light travel” “Faster Than Light travel” the two of us said simultaneously.
I picked it back up. “As the name would imply, it’s a method of travel in which objects can be propelled through spacetime at a rate that’s faster than the speed of light.”
“Er…” Her confused look seemed like it got worse.
“It’s basically just a fancy way of saying that we’ve figured out how to travel extremely long distances in little to no time at all.”
“Ah.” She nodded.
“To put it into perspective, Rarity,” Twilight piped back up. “I’m sure you all remember the Sonic Rainboom?”
They all nodded their heads, even getting Rainbow’s attention from her incessant scowling at me. I had no idea what a Sonic Rainboom was, but if she was referring to the sound barrier, I knew where she was going. It was the same way it was explained to me.
“In order to reach a speed where FTL travel would be possible, we’d have to be going at a speed that’s roughly 874,000 times the speed of a Sonic Rainboom! And you get to wherever you’re going at the speed of a teleportation spell!”
They all seemed utterly floored upon the comparison, even Fluttershy who hadn’t spoken an audible word since she got here, but I was more intrigued by the fact that their species can use teleportation. In essence, FTL travel is basically just teleportation with extra steps with how instantaneous it’s supposed to be. If they can teleport, why is she so giddy over FTL? Maybe they can only teleport short distances?
Rainbow, who had been visibly fuming prior to this, jumped up off the ground and started flying in excitement. “That is so. Awesome!” She took another look at me and immediately went back down on the ground. “I mean, that’s cool, I guess.”
Real convincing. Someone give this horse an Oscar.
“Your species is really that technologically advanced?” Twilight asked.
“That’s the high end of it, yes.” I looked around and noticed a distinct lack of electrical outlets and internal lighting. “What of yours? From the looks of things it seems like your species has yet to harness electricity as a power source.”
“No, we have. It just isn’t very affordable to implement outside of major cities like Canterlot and Manehattan. Ponyville’s still trying to develop fully as a town, so it hasn’t quite caught up with the rest of the country yet.”
And their cities are horse puns. Fantastic. That won’t get old any time soon. “I see. Feels strange to ask this, but are there any other sapient species in this world other than yours?”
Pinke, who had been very quiet before, now suddenly found her voice as she gave me a long-winded explanation. “Of course, silly! There’s ponies,- that’s us!- griffons like that meanie Gilda, cows, zebras like Zecora, donkeys, yaks, although I’ve never gotten to meet one. Oh! And Spike over there is a dragon!” She pointed one of her front hooves at the door frame behind me to reveal a small, purple, reptilian-like creature with green spines standing with a platter of a tea kettle and some tea cups in one of his claws staring at me.
“Thank you, Spike.” Twilight levitated the platter away from him onto a nearby table with a- I presume- pony head decorating it. “Are you saying your species is the only sapient one in your world?”
I nodded. “The only other species that was close to ours intellectually was dolphins, but they haven’t evolved enough yet. I recall there being some studies done fairly recently saying that they’d need at least another 10,000 years or so to catch up to us.”
Both Twilight and Rarity seemed stumbled. “Dolphins?” Twilight asked.
I was about to explain, but Fluttershy finally spoke for the first time. “They’re, um, an aquatic mammalian animal that lives in the oceans. I’ve never gotten to meet one yet, but they seem so sweet.”
Unsurprisingly, her voice seemed like it would shatter like glass if you so much as looked at it wrong. This one’s got some serious self-esteem issues. How she managed to fight with us is beyond me. “Surprised you have those here, but that’s correct. They’re at a strange transitional point in their evolutionary cycle where they have lungs, but still live underwater and need to come up to the surface to breathe.” I mostly added that for Twilight’s benefit as she seemed to enjoy clarifications. It didn’t exactly have the effect I intended.
“Y-you know animals?” Fluttershy managed to sneak up next to me silently. If she weren’t so timid and meek I would have been intimidated.
“Not much. Certain behavioral patterns, random trivia depending upon the species. Nothing extensive.”
“Is that how ya’ knew what t’do with the timberwolf’s legs before?” Applejack asked. This must have been the question she wanted to ask before.
I nodded. “Quadrupedal walking cycles require the opposite legs working to stay mobile. Their center of mass will force them to the ground unless the other legs are strong enough.”
Applejack nodded, but I’m not sure she understood. The unsure look on her face seemed to indicate such.
Rarity piped back up, “Tell me, Franco, what’s fashion like amongst your kind? You simply must have some interesting fashion designs if your species wears clothes all the time.”
I shrugged. “Probably.”
“‘P-probably’?” She echoed. “I don’t understand, dear.”
“I meant, I don’t know. Never paid attention to fashion trends back home. Never had the time.” Or the motivation.
The look on her face made it seem like she could break down into violent sobbing at any time. I had no idea it meant that much to her. “I-I see. That’s quite a shame.”
I noticed the reptile finally managed to work up the courage to come near me, so I acknowledged him. “And you’re a dragon?”
He flinched a bit, but his voice finally came out, “Y-yeah… What are you…?” He sounded incredibly young, almost feminine. Considering how little I knew of his species, at the time I thought he was both.
“Human. Classification homo sapiens sapiens.”
His facial expressions contorted into something I couldn’t recognize coming from him. It was probably the scales. “The wise wise ones? Really?”
“Spike!” Twilight barked at him.
I almost smirked. The two of them definitely live together if they can both follow along with me. I doubt they’re related, all things considered. Roommates? Maybe an item? “Try not to put too much stock into the name. Scientists back home can get rather pretentious when it comes to naming certain aspects of us as a species. I mean, we’re the only sapient ones there, so who’s going to stop us?”
This prompted what I could only interpret as nervous laughter from the dragon, as he slowly backed away from me. I hadn’t intended for that to come across as intimidating, but looking back I could see how it would have been taken that way.
I turned back over to Twilight. “What of your government? What’s its structure and who rules it? You don’t have to go into too much detail if you’re not allowed. Just the bare basics is fine.” I’d also rather not be playing 20 Questions all fucking day.
“Oh, Equestria is a diarchy, ruled by Princesses Celestia and Luna. What about yours? What’s this ‘United States of America’ like?” Twilight seemed like she was hanging on every word I said. She’s apparently the excitable type when it comes to subjects that fascinate her. Hearing about this country being a diarchy is interesting, though. That almost never came up back home.
“We like to call ourselves a democracy, but we’re a republic. Much closer to an empire were we to give our ruler any more power.”
She gave a thoughtful nod. “And your ruler? Do you have one currently?”
I guess there’s no harm in giving a name, but I probably shouldn’t say anything more about the inner workings of my country. “...Yeah. President George Sears.” I got up from the seat I used and stretched the best I could. To me, the library had a fairly low ceiling, but to them I’m sure it didn’t feel that way. I couldn’t stretch my arms up, but at least my head didn’t bump the ceiling. “Perhaps we can finish this conversation some other time? I grow weary of these relentless questions. Makes me feel like I’m being interrogated.”
“Aw…” Twilight said, dejected. “Would you be up for more later? Maybe after we check whether multiverse theory is valid?”
I wandered my way over to the nearby bookshelves filled to the brim with their knowledge, picking up a few of them to examine the covers to see which one I would find most beneficial. “I suppose that’s fine. In the meantime, I’d like to read up on your world history. Do you have any recent almanacs?”
“‘Almanac’? What’s that?”
Oh right. It’s probably not called that here, huh? “You probably have one, it’s just called something different. It’s an encyclopedia exclusively dedicated to recent events and historical achievements within a set period of time.”
“Oh, you mean a ponyac.” I heard the dragon pipe up.
I rolled my eyes. Of course it’s called that. Why wouldn’t it be? “Sure, whatever. One covering the last hundred years or so should give me a pretty good idea of where your society is currently standing.”
The girls, excluding Twilight, slowly started to leave the library with Rainbow being the last. I didn’t really pay much attention to why she stayed for so long, nor did I care. I had far too much history to catch up on before I could worry about anything else.
March 1st, 2052 I’ve spent quite a bit of time over the last week researching what I could of their culture and history. The constellations match the ones I see on my world, and since this planet has yet to be discovered by our top scientists, I can safely confirm that this is an alternate Earth. I suppose I should be more distraught about it, but it strangely doesn’t bother me that much. Magic exists on this version of Earth, and after Twilight’s lecture on it the other day, I’m almost certain it’s how I got here in the first place. Since that’s the case, all I really need to do is find some spell to take me home. Until I do, I see no reason I shouldn’t just treat this as some sort of extended, forced vacation of sorts. Although, if I can’t find my way back, well… Perhaps I shouldn’t dwell on it too much. At least it wouldn’t take much to get used to, since this society and mine are eerily similar. There’s not too much difference between being here and maybe some small socialist country in Europe, like Norway, or something. Actually, they’re capitalist, so it’s more like living in the rural south minus the religious zealotry.
At any rate, Twilight’s explanation of how magic works here was extremely fascinating. This leyline system she mentioned when I first got here is apparently tied to the nervous system, and it utilizes your imagination and willpower to bend the reality around you within reason. It’s what the horn on her head is for- a “focal point” I think she called it- to funnel mana both in and around your body to convert into spells. Her entire species uses it to a certain extent, it’s just more pronounced in unicorns since their spells have more of a direct impact on reality than earth ponies and pegasi do. I believe she said it manifests in earth ponies in physical strength mostly, and pegasi with their ability to walk on clouds- although at this point I had yet to see that, so I thought she was just messing with me- and apparently they can break the sound barrier if certain conditions are met.
It’s both an absolute tragedy and an extreme relief that humans can’t use magic due to their lack of a focal point. I shudder to think what atrocities we could have committed with this before finally doing something worthwhile. It’s far more likely we would have killed each other off before getting the chance to do something good with it in the first place, actually. I figured when I made it back home, I’d never tell the rest of my species about the utilization of magic, assuming they didn’t lock me up in an insane asylum first. In the meantime, further study of how exactly magic works will be necessary.
As far as Equestrian culture goes, minus a few colloquialisms that mean the same thing but are worded a slight bit differently, it’s so shockingly similar to my own that it’s actually terrifying. They have quite a number of the same things that serve the same function back on my world, like most- if not all- of their kitchen appliances, railroads and trains, electrical sockets in the more developed towns, doors and cabinets, the list just goes on and on. I’m still not quite familiar with all the intricate societal details yet, but I can’t imagine it’d take much getting used to with all these similarities in place. I think some of the only slight differences were that ponies had ridiculously long lifespans without really much technological aid. 150 was the average across the board, with some unicorns being able to surpass even that. Apparently the more you’re able to cycle the mana in your leyline systems, a natural process most unicorns use to cast spells in the first place, the more it preserves the integrity and longevity of your organs. Only downside is the converse is true as well; if you allow your mana to stagnate and not use it in any capacity, it’s liable to kill you. I know far too many people that would have jumped at the opportunity for a much riskier drawback, so I am once more relieved that my race cannot use magic to this extent. We would have definitely abused this by now. Like that book from the ‘10s… What was it called? Altered something? The one where humans transfer their consciousness to a little disk embedded into their spine at birth so they can swap bodies like they’re candy and live forever? That one.
The extreme longevity of these ponies led to their society having a higher age of consent than mine: 20. They go through puberty at roughly the same time humans do, though, so I’m not really sure what they’re doing to ease the tension of hormones for an extra 2 years. My society had the internet, and by extension a metric shit ton of porn with it, so it was a bit easier to get some quick relief even if it wasn’t technically legal. I had asked Twilight how ponies go through puberty, only for her to offhandedly- offhoofedly? I swear to fucking god, these horse puns are so stupid- mention that mares go through an estrus cycle and that once a month they need to relieve it, pretty different in comparison to humans basically just being horny 24/7 until their bodies adjust to the hormonal imbalance. She didn’t really go into detail about it, though. I think she was embarrassed by the topic altogether. If I’m really that interested, it’ll just have to be something I look into on my own later, I suppose.
I was in the middle of reading a book, about the development of their steam engines for trains, when Twilight walked over to me. She had been rather inquisitive the past week, occasionally coming up and asking me a number of questions about my society she missed from the first day. I always answered the best I could, but not even I know everything. She tried asking me to share the secrets of FTL travel with her as an example, but I honestly don’t know much about it other than some of what was figured out during my lifetime. What little I had wouldn’t have been anywhere near enough to utilize it here. She also decided to house me for the time being until I either found a way home or found a home of my own here, a gesture I found to be far too kind and tried to outright refuse before, but she insisted. I figured the least I could do was some of her house chores and to answer any of her questions to the best of my ability, barring any national secrets, obviously.
Her house chores led me to working with the dragon on a number of occasions. It was during this I found out he was actually a boy. He was some 8 years younger than her, with Twilight being 21 and Spike being 13 by extension. Seemed pretty relieved that I was helping him out around the house. Apparently picking up after Twilight can get rather cumbersome, so he appreciated all the help he could get. Currently Spike was indisposed with Rarity. She never explicitly said it, but the way Twilight was talking about it, it seemed like he had some huge crush on her. It was a bit… difficult to relate to him since he was so young. It’s been a long time since I’ve been a child. So, so long.
Back to the topic at hand, instead of asking me about something as per usual during the last week, Twilight just stood next to me after walking up and stared. I expected a question, but it never came.
I was forced to look over at her. “Yes, Twilight?”
“Um, Franco? I was thinking.” She started, levitating the book I still had in my hand away from me. “Maybe it’s not healthy to coop yourself up in here for so long? I know you wanted to learn about Equestrian culture, but you can learn it away from the library too.”
“Would you prefer I read away from the library?” I asked carefully. I wasn’t sure if she was kicking me out or not, not that I’d blame her if she did.
“No, no! Nothing like that, you’ve been quite a helpful house guest. It’s just…” She gave me a sheepish smile. “I was thinking maybe you could spend some time making friends? It might help you get some perspective of our culture a little better.”
“Not interested.” I immediately turned back the bookshelf and started to search for another book I could read.
“Not- but- wha-?” She stammered over herself. I wasn’t looking, but I imagine her face would have been quite amusing with how dumbstruck she was. “Why?”
“Not interested,” I repeated. “What’s the point in wasting my time to make friends I’m never going to see again after I make it back home?”
“You don’t know that!”
I turned to face her again so I could give her an angry glare.
“I meant, there’s always a possibility that you'll be able to come back, especially if we’re using a spell to send you home. Why not give it a chance?”
“I don’t do friendship, Twilight Sparkle. I’m. Not. Interested. Don’t make me repeat myself again.”
She sighed. “I really didn’t want to have to do this, Franco.”
“What are you talking abou- Ah!” Her horn flared as I felt a force pushing me from the front, nearly knocking me over backwards as her magic pushed me all the way to the entrance of the library.
“Come on! It’ll be fun! I’ll even go with you.” She said, following in front of me as I was pushed.
Fortunately, she realized that I’d need to practically fold myself over to get through the door, so she stopped me there, blocking my path back inside. I gave her a scowl upon the act. “Don’t ever touch me again, and I’ll indulge this nonsensical friendship quest of yours just this once.”
Grudgingly, I opened the door to the library and managed to lower my legs enough to make it through the door frame without bending down so far that I’d need to tumble through again like last time. Twilight followed me out and locked the door behind her. I took the opportunity to stretch my body upwards to its fullest extent. I’m glad I’m not claustrophobic, because being 5’8” in a world filled with people under 3’ would definitely trigger that fear constantly.
I had to blink a few times to readjust my eyes to the sheer amount of natural sunlight they were now taking in. Twilight pushed on ahead, walking a little further ahead of me before stopping and looking back.
“Come on, we’re going to Sugarcube Corner.”
“That’s… that bakery, isn’t it?” I said walking over to her. I remembered her mentioning some landmarks her friends frequented and/or lived at in some cases over the last couple days. Looking back, I guess this was the reason why, although I didn’t care to notice at the time.
“You remembered!” She beamed at me. “We’re going to see if Pinkie needs any help in the kitchen. I heard she’s gotten quite the rush of ponies recently.”
Of course it’s baking. It had to be baking. I gave her a deadpan stare. “...So you’re just going to throw me into a busy kitchen, during a rush, all in an attempt to make friends? You don’t even know if I can bake.”
“Eh, baking is just chemistry with extra steps, and that’s a subject you told me you’re familiar with. You should be fine. Baking isn’t the point of this trip, anyway. Besides, I’m going with you, so if you’re ever stuck you can always ask either of us.”
She clearly put a lot more thought into this than I expected. “Why do you even care so much about my social life? What’s in it for you?”
Twilight frowned. “Who says I have to gain something from helping someone else?”
I rolled my eyes. My prior experiences back home led me to believe she was lying. “How altruistic, but you’re still ignoring my other question. Why do you care?”
She walked close to me, looking right up at my face. “There was a time when I used to be like you, you know? I threw myself at my studies without giving even the slightest thought of what it would do to me as a pony. I was so lonely that I got used to it, expected it to be the norm. So when others tried to be my friend, I brushed them off with the same kind of excuses you used. Had I not given friendship a try, I wouldn’t have been able to meet the best friends I’ll ever have. I don’t want you to miss out on something like that, and I especially don’t want to see you fall into the same trap I did. Is it so much to ask that I want to see you happy?”
I stood there, completely awestruck at her sentiments. She truly cared about a broken mess like me. Deep down, I was touched, truly. “...What makes you think I’m not happy?”
“You haven’t smiled, laughed, or even cracked a single joke since you’ve been here. You really expect me to believe that you are?” It was an accusatory question, but it strangely wasn’t malicious. Caring. Nurturing. I believe those would be more apt descriptions.
You’re far too late to help someone like me, Twilight Sparkle. I stayed quiet. Honestly, what could I say that would even sound remotely convincing? She got me. Hit the nail on the head before I even had the opportunity to retaliate. I never stood a chance.
“I just want to help you,” She placed her hoof on my leg. It must have been a gentle touch, because I couldn’t feel it through my jeans. “All I ask is that you give it a try. Please?”
Her purity was overwhelming. Her knowledge, her kindness, her attempts to understand me, her patience, her altruistic nature I mocked. It was just too much. Here’s someone who genuinely cared not only about me and my well-being, but my future as well. And over what? Locking myself into a study session for a week? How could I even tell her that I’ve trapped myself into this loneliness for 5 years? That I deserve it?
I wanted to tell her not to touch me, but I thought just this once, I’ll let it slide. “...I think you’re wasting your time, but fine.”
Twilight smiled at me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that smile. “I don’t think so. Come on, let’s have some fun helping Pinkie out.”
I couldn’t bear to look at her for the rest of the trip down to the bakery. It felt like staring into a star. Too long, and I’d go blind. Making our way inside Sugarcube Corner was just as much of a hassle as going into the library. I really needed to figure out a way to go through these door frames easier. Fortunately, there weren’t a lot of ponies inside by the time we got there. My arrival definitely got some strange stares and odd looks from those that were there, though.
An exacerbated Pinkie made her way to the counter once the bell on the door chimed signifying our entrance. We met her at said counter and Pinkie practically melted on top of it.
“Oh, Twilight. Thank Celestia you’re here!” She craned her head up to look at me. “And Franco! I thought you got stuck in the library!”
“No.”
“We’re here to help, Pinkie.” Twilight piped up. “Both of us.” She took extra care to stress the last part.
“Thanks, Twilight. I’ll take whatever help I can get! With the Cakes gone on vacation until next week, I’ve practically run myself ragged trying to catch up with the orders and keeping the display full!”
“Uh…” With the way Pinkie phrased that, I thought this was just some elaborate joke she was setting up about being busy.
Twilight must have seen my confusion, because she immediately clarified, “The Cakes are the owners of the bakery.”
“Right…” I nodded, still unsure if it was a practical joke. I was so thrown off from earlier that it didn’t immediately click to me that the owners’ names were Cake.
Pinkie bolted back into the kitchen with a speed that rivaled a cheetah, saying something like “Hurry,” and “This cake isn’t going to bake itself,” I think? It was kinda hard to make out since she was now suddenly in another room.
“Is… Is she always like this?”
“Most of the time, although I’ve never seen her this stressed before,” Twilight said, a look of worry growing on her face. “We should probably hurry to the kitchen.”
Twilight went ahead of me as I struggled to get past the barrier between the dining side and the rest of the building. Being this tall was making it unnecessarily difficult to get around. By the time I finally caught up with them, I found the kitchen in a state of utter disarray. Cake tins and bowls were everywhere, with flour scattered about around most of them. Twilight had tried to immediately start cleaning the place, but with how messy everything was it’s likely she was going to be at it for the next hour. Pinkie was working on this sickly brown mixture that was almost unrecognizable, but I could tell it was probably some sort of cake batter with the bits of eggshell she was trying to whisk in. She was looking right at them, but something told me she didn’t actually see them.
“I’ve tried just about everything, but I just can’t get it to work!” Pinkie was nearly whining. Honestly with the tone in her voice, it seemed like she was on the verge of tears despite not showing it. She just kept whisking and whisking, desperately trying to work her botched mixture.
Finally, I’d had enough. I couldn’t just sit there and allow any more ingredients to be wasted on whatever she was working on. I grabbed the hoof she was using to mix and slowly grinded it to a halt. “Stop. You’re not going to catch up if you panic. Take a step back, and breathe.” I tried to refrain from saying “calm down.” In my experience on the job, it never worked.
She looked up at me, then back at her bowl. I think she realized just how much she screwed up on the mixture because she let go of the whisk still in her hoof, nodded, and took a couple steps backward. I took that opportunity to seize the bowl and dump the contents into a nearby trash bin. There was no way we could have salvaged that batter. Absolutely not.
I used the nearby sink to wash out the bowl and whisk she was using, dried them off, and went back over to where she was working. I guess Pinkie really took my advice to heart since she was in the middle of deep breathing exercises once I got back. “Now, what were you trying to make?”
“Custard cheesecake,” she said, a dejected look on her face. “But I just can’t get the batter right.”
Custard cheesecake with that kind of batter? There’s no way she separated her yolks and whites. “That I can help you with.” I swiftly gathered the ingredients I would need to make such a cake, measuring the appropriate amounts of sugar, vanilla extract, cake flour, and cornstarch and set them off to the side so that they could be used when needed. I grabbed a stove pot, two bowls, three eggs, and some milk and cream cheese and began my explanation of what she should be looking for when making cheesecakes like this.
“You always want to separate your yolks and whites when making cheesecakes,” I cracked one of the eggs and, using the eggshells, kept transferring the egg back and forth, letting more and more of the whites out into the bowl below with every transfer. It was separated completely after three as I dumped the remaining yolk in the stove pot. “It’s okay to get some whites in with the yolks, but you absolutely can’t get yolks in with the whites. The mixture will split once you start trying to whisk it. Give it a shot.” I handed her one of the two eggs left.
Pinkie took the egg and clumsily tried to mimic what she saw me do. It wasn’t perfect, but she got it after about six or seven transfers. How ponies even held things with their hooves perplexed me, but I wasn’t about to question it in a world where magic was rampant. Unfortunately, a sizable piece of one of her eggshells got mixed in with the whites, and her face immediately deflated. She looked up at me wordlessly, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. I had no idea she had been so frustrated with this upon going up to the counter earlier. She never showed it.
“Don’t panic, that’s fixable.” I tried to assuage her fears. “Take the tip of your hoof and dip it into some water.” I was going to go get a cup and fill it with some water, but found that it had already been poured and was sitting at the countertop waiting to be used. Twilight’s doing, no doubt. I took it and brought it near her, to which she eagerly followed my instructions. “Now, dab your hoof on the eggshell in the whites.”
Pinkie did so and, much to her surprise, there was a piece of shell sticking to the tip of her hoof. She brushed it off into the nearest trash bin. I handed her the other egg to get her to try again. She was far more comfortable around it this time, only taking five attempts and not getting any eggshell in either of the mixtures. Now that we had our yolks and whites separated, I could move onto the next step.
“Now the custard.” I took the whisk and began beating the egg yolks, pouring in some sugar and cornstarch to incorporate. I did the same with the vanilla extract and milk. After stirring to make sure all the ingredients were mixed in properly, I turned on the stove and put the pot on. I handed her the whisk while it was on the stove and she continued stirring. It continued for a bit until I saw that the eggs were starting to get a slight curdle upon each of her turns. “Now turn off the heat and take the pot away from the stove.”
Following my instructions to the letter, Pinkie moved it away from the heat as I grabbed a stick of butter from the fridge and cut off about 20g of it. Doing it by eye was much harder than with a scale, especially since it had been a little while since I made this type of cheesecake, but I was almost positive I got it right. I dumped the butter I cut into the pot. “Now make use of the residual heat and stir in the butter.”
As she was doing so, I put the cream cheese in the other bowl, found another whisk and began to stir it until it was starting to get smooth. Once I saw that she had incorporated the butter into the custard, I found a sif and sifted the cake flour into it. She didn’t need any instruction as she stirred the mixture to work in the new ingredient. It seemed like she got her confidence back, as she poured the custard into the bowl of cream cheese and began combining those as well. She set it off to the side after she was sure it was the consistency she wanted.
I was going to explain the meringue, but before I even had the opportunity she grabbed the whites along with a hand- or I guess they’d be called hoof?- mixer and whirred away at it, adding sugar in batches to eventually get it to form soft peaks.
Seeing that she no longer needed any help, I moved out of her way and started helping Twilight clean up around the kitchen, washing and drying the dishes that were used before we got here, as well as wiping down some of the countertops with excess flour on them.
I turned around from wiping down one of the counters to check on how Pinkie was doing only to find her attempting to dump all of the meringue into the custard at once. I quickly placed my hand over the bowl and set it back down on the counter, grabbing a silicone spatula and placing it in her hoof. I held the bowl in front of her. “Take half, then fold it into the custard. Once it’s folded add the next half. If you add it all at once you’ll get lumpy cheesecake.”
She smiled and nodded at me, taking half the meringue and slowly folding it in. While she was readying the final stretch of prep work to bake the cheesecake, I lined a collapsible mold with butter and baking parchment, along with using a spare burner to quickly heat up some water. I also took two different size baking tins to help make the steam bath.
Once I saw that Pinkie had finished the last task she needed for the cheesecake, I handed her the mold to put the batter into. She hastily poured in the batter, opened the oven, and nearly shoved it in before I managed to stop her.
“Hold on. You’re skipping some of the most important steps.” I closed the oven and took the ring mold back onto the table. “You don’t want to do all this work and have it be ruined just because cheesecake batter is fickle. Custard cheesecake even more so.”
I tapped the ring mold onto the counter a couple times, explaining more as I went. “Tap your tin to make sure there’s no air bubbles lurking in the batter. And you can’t just straight bake it, either. If you do, you’ll end up with a cracked cheesecake and in some cases, curdled custard.” I hadn’t intended on using alliteration today, but that apparently was pretty funny to Pinkie as she giggled in response.
I grabbed the ring mold and placed it inside the shorter tin, grabbed the tin and placed it in the larger one. I took the heated water and poured it in between the two tins, creating my aforementioned steam bath. “Use the steam bath method to get it risen and cooked properly. Bake it for an hour, turn off the oven and let the cake sit in there to cool down for ten minutes.”
She nodded profusely as I reopened the oven and put the cake in. I was going to let her do it, but the tins were heavy from the water and I didn’t want her to burn herself on something.
“Is… Is that all?” Pinkie asked apprehensively.
“I guess optionally you can add a jam or preserves on top after it’s cooled off, but otherwise, yes. You’re done.” The entire process took maybe half an hour, but it felt like I had been there for a month with how much I had to multitask. Between prepping the cake, hand holding Pinkie through most of it, and cleaning the massive mess that was this kitchen, I felt like passing out and not waking back up for the next week. This was one of the reasons I hadn’t bothered with baking too much lately. It was just such a hassle to make some of the better stuff.
Pinkie apparently felt similar to me, because she immediately slumped on the floor and started crying, clinging to my leg and rubbing her face over my jeans. “Thank you-huu-huu…!”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “Calm down, it’s just a cheesecake.” I was a little unnerved, not only by her heart on her sleeve, but also the fountain-like state of her eyes that wouldn’t stop leaking. I really wish that was hyperbole. It’s not. Tears just fucking everywhere. I’m honestly shocked it didn’t drench my pants.
“But it’s naaaaahhhhhht!” She kept bawling. “I thought I was gonna diiiiieeeeee!”
“Holy shit.” I really didn’t expect her to take it this hard. It just seems like such a stupid thing to get upset over. “Uh, Twilight? Little…” I trailed off after looking around to see that she had snuck out. When she managed this was beyond me. “...Help.” This bitch did that on purpose. This is your friend to console, not mine! I swear I’m gonna strangle her later.
I really didn’t know what to do about the sobbing pony clinging to my leg. In my line of work, no one wears their heart on their sleeve. At least not the ones who have been doing it for as long as I have, so consoling people wasn’t exactly one of my strong suits. “Uh… There, there?” I copied what I saw Twilight do day 1 and haphazardly patted her head twice.
It was a gesture she appreciated far too much. “You’re so niii-hii-hiiice! You-you help with the custard cheesecake and you’re nice to meeee! I’m sorry I ever called you a meanie!”
“Wait, what?” I don’t recall her calling me that, so she said that about me behind my back?
“I called you a meanieeeee! I’m sooooorrrryyy-hyyy-hyyyyyy! How can you ever forgive meeeeee?”
I used my hand to try and gently peel her off my leg. “How about you get the fuck off me and stop crying, and we’ll call it even?” I was convinced that if I had to listen to her bawling any longer, I’d get a migraine.
Finally- finally- Pinkie stopped clinging to me. She was still sniffling a little, but at least the waterworks were over for now. “O-okay.”
Fucking hell. I don’t think I want to help her with baking ever again if it’s gonna turn out like this every time.
She sniffled again. “S-so you know how to bake?”
Normally I would’ve given a smart-ass, snarky response at the obvious stupidity of the question, like obviously I can bake. What else have we been doing the last half hour? This time, however, I jumped at the chance for being able to have a conversation that wasn’t going to end in her crying a literal river by the end of it. I didn’t think I could handle that again. “Yeah. Was a hobby of mine for a while.”
Because it reminds me too much of the time I spent with him. “No particular reason.”
She gave me a quizzical stare as she tilted her head. I knew what she wanted to get at, but she wasn’t getting any more information on that than I’ve already given her. “By the way, why did you use two tins for the water bath? Don’t you only need one?”
Kinda surprised she paid attention to that, all things considered. “Because we used a collapsible mold to put the cake in. Water can seep into those, so I needed to add another layer to prevent that. Also the water can’t make contact with the tin the cake is in, otherwise the custard will get cooked improperly.”
“Oh. Then why didn’t we use a normal cake mold?” Pinkie stared up at me expectantly.
“Because custard cheesecakes are notoriously fragile and collapsible molds offer an easy way for the cake to come out in comparison to a normal cake tin.”
“Is that why the cake needs to sit in the oven to cool off?”
“Correct.” Honestly, I’m kind of impressed at how easily she’s following along with this. I thought she didn’t have a lot of baking experience, but it looks like she just struggles with custard? Or maybe... “You don’t bake a lot of cheesecakes, do you?”
She gave me a sheepish grin. “Not really. They don’t really stay good at parties. That’s why I got so frazzled when a customer ordered one of the hardest cheesecakes to bake that we serve here. Thanks for your help, Franco. Really.”
“...Yeah. Don’t mention it. There anything else pressing that you need help with?”
“Nope! I should be okie-dokie-lokie from here!” Pinkie beamed at me.
“...Right. If that’s the case, then I should probably find Twilight.” And give her a piece or two of my mind while I’m at it.
I saw that there was another exit to the bakery from the kitchen, and figured that must have been what Twilight used to sneak out earlier. I made my way towards it but was stopped by Pinkie before I could leave.
“Hey, Franco?”
“Hm?” I turned just enough so I could see her. She had these wishful eyes plastered on her face.
“You think maybe you could stop by again sometime? It doesn’t have to be to help, if you wanted to just hang out?”
I should say no. I’m not here to make friends. And yet… “...I’ll think about it.” I just didn’t have the heart to crush her like that. Not after the day she’s had.
I left the bakery in an attempt to find Twilight. Normally, I would have just bolted straight back to the library, but she locked the door and had the key to it. The only way I could have gotten in would be breaking in through one of the windows, and I’m fairly certain I didn’t want to be charged for breaking and entering while I was here. It’s already bad enough I was technically an illegal alien, I didn’t want anything more on my plate than that. Which meant that I had to find her first if I wanted to get back.
My search took me across most of the town, seeing the landmarks this small, rustic little village had to offer. There really wasn’t much outside of the fountain in the Square and the farmlands to the southeast. The houses and businesses were spread across town haphazardly with no real rhyme or reason to their locations. I imagine this made it really hard to start a shop here. It seemed like Sugarcube Corner was the only appropriately placed shop in the entire town as it was located on a main road that I saw most ponies use. Everything else was pretty out of the way, and that was just out of the ones that I found. Who knows how many more are scattered around this town?
I happened to stumble across Applejack running a stand of apple-related produce and baked goods. I wanted to pretend I didn’t see her and move on so I could finally find Twilight, but she noticed me walking by and waved me over. I figured I’d never hear the end of it if I ignored her, so I grudgingly walked over.
“Hiya, Franco!” Applejack greeted me with an enthusiasm I certainly didn’t share.
“Applejack.” I curtly replied. It took all my effort to not call her “breakfast cereal”.
She gives me what I can only assume is a sly grin as she looks up at me. “Betcha ya’ never had these delicious apple treats back home!”
In an act of defiance, I proceeded to name every single one of the treats I saw as I pointed to them. “Red delicious, granny apple smith, apple tart, apple pie, apple turnover, apple crumble, apple sauce, and I assume this is apple cider. I know what the other ones are, but you probably have different names for them. Fuji apples and pink ladies.”
The look on her face was priceless. Her jaw hung open as she stared at me. “Landsakes! You really know yer apples!”
I shrugged. “Used to bake with them a lot.”
“Yer a baker? I never woulda guessed!”
“Why does everyone keep saying that to me today?”
“You an’ Pinkie might get along real well! She’s runnin’ Sugarcube Corner all by herself this week. Maybe if ya’ want, you can-”
“I think I’ve had my fill of that for today, thanks.” I can’t even believe I’m getting told the exact same thing by Applejack. What are these six, a fucking hivemind?
“Yer sayin’ you’ve already helped Pinkie out?”
“Mmmm.” I nodded. “To say that she was struggling to bake a custard cheesecake would have been an understatement.”
Applejack gave me a suspicious sideways glance. “Yer not pullin’ my leg, are ya’?”
I rolled my eyes. “If it means that much to you then you can ask her yourself. Have you seen Twilight around?”
“Yeah, and I don’t know what’s got her so worked up, but she was running like a bat outta Dodge Junction back over to the library. I tried to see what was goin’ on, but she had some sorta letter in front of her. Prob’ly some urgent business with the Princess, I reckon.”
Oh sure, so it’s okay for her to spend ridiculous amounts of time in the library but not- wait, what? “...the Princess? What does that mean?”
She gave me a weird look. “Y’know, the ruler of our country?”
I placed my face in one of my hands in an act of exasperation. God fucking damn it, breakfast cereal. “...I meant why is she getting a letter from the Princess?”
“She didn’t tell ya’? Twilight is Princess Celestia’s Number 1 student!”
“Is she…?” She neglected to mention that. I wonder why?
“Yeah, we’re so proud a’ her! Anywho, ya’ll maybe wanna stop by the farm sometime and help some? Applebuckin’ season’s ‘bout ta’ start soon, and ya’ look like you could be mighty helpful.”
I have no idea why she was so open about asking me that. I’ve barely had one conversation with her at this point and she’s already asking me to go work- for free, presumably- on her family’s farm? I wanted to outright refuse, but thought that working on a farm might actually be a good way to stay in shape. I was going to need to get some form of physical exercise while I was here, and working on a farm is cheaper than a gym membership, I guess. I halfheartedly gave her the same response I gave Pinkie, “I’ll think about it,” and trudged my way back to the library.
Heading back to the library, my mind was filled with doubt. Why would Twilight not reveal that she had direct contact with her ruler? Wouldn’t that have been pertinent information to disclose to me? There’s no way she hasn’t spoken about me to this Celestia yet, right? So what have they been talking about? Have they finally decided what to do with me and that’s why she bailed back to the library?
Finally, I made it back and through the door. The small triumph of being able to go through the doorframe much easier than last time was completely overshadowed by this lingering doubt in the back of my head. I looked around the library only to see Twilight was nowhere on the ground floor. I struggled to make it upstairs, worried that I’d have to slide my way back down with how much I was leaning over, to find Twilight in her room, toiling away at something on her desk.
“So, the ‘both of us’ are gonna help, huh?”
“Gah!” Her head whirled around to her room’s entrance. She nearly tumbled off her seat in the process. “Oh, Franco, it’s you. How did the rest of the cheesecake go?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Don’t give me that. What was so important that you bailed on us and came back here?”
“Oh…” Twilight tilted her head at me. “Well I got this weird letter from my mentor that Spike rushed over to bring me while we were at Sugarcube Corner. She said it was urgent.”
“What does it say?” I wanted to try to play it off like I didn’t know who it was from, thought it might give me an edge of sorts. Or at the very least if she told me of her own accord, I probably wouldn’t have anything to worry about.
She looked back over at the page on her desk and scrunched her face. “I’m not sure. She sent me something written in Highland, a language I’m regrettably not familiar with, and asked to see if I could find a way to translate it.” Twilight levitated the page and brought it up to me. “Maybe you’ve seen it?”
I took the page and read it. It was an old Japanese proverb I was pretty familiar with. My dojo that I learned kendo from during my stay in Japan was quite big on the saying. “Where does this language come from?” My growing anxiety was preventing my curiosity from manifesting fully. I was really interested, but just couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than this secret Twilight was trying to keep.
“It’s ancient. It and other texts like it were found in northern Equestria some couple hundred years ago and nopony’s been able to translate them since, hence the off-hoof term ‘Highland.’ We think it originated from dragons when their kingdom used to extend to that land, but we’re not sure exactly. If dragons did use it once, they don’t anymore.”
Oh, so it’s a dead language. I spend all that time becoming bilingual in a language I like only to find that it’s basically Sumaritan here. Lovely.
“「弱肉強食 」(jaku niku kyou shoku) It’s an old proverb. Why would this be urgent?”
“You… you can read this?” Twilight’s eyes seemed to light up the same way they did when I mentioned FTL travel barely a few days before. “You know what it means?!”
“Mmm. I guess there are things neither of us know about each other.” I don’t think I could have dropped a bigger hint if I tried. My patience was wearing thin.
She frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Alright, I’ve had more than enough of this facade. “I’m well aware you’re Celestia’s pupil, Twilight.”
She got really quiet. “Yes… I am.”
I think I’ve figured it out, but I’d really rather be wrong. “And she’s asked you to keep an eye on me, I’m sure.”
“Yes.” It was the least talkative I’ve ever seen Twilight get.
“Which is why you offered to house me, so that you could keep a better eye on me.”
“...Yes.”
“So that sappy speech from when we went to the bakery was all a lie, then? Something your ruler asked you to do to keep me in check?”
“Wha- No! Princess Celestia did want me to keep an eye on you, but I meant every word I said earlier!” The defiance came back in her eyes, a complete reversal from before. “I want you to be able to make friends! I don’t-”
“I don’t believe you.”
That stopped her dead in her tracks. “I-I’m telling you the truth…”
“Then why not tell me the truth about keeping an eye on me?” My temper was flaring up, and I was far too worked up to keep it under control. “It’s insulting to know that you think I wouldn’t understand her decision. I’m an illegal alien, Twilight. I’m not stupid. Obviously, she wants someone she trusts to keep an eye on me. I just think it’s real funny how you moral grandstand to me about how making friends is so important, yet you turn right back around and lie to me.”
“...I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have...” As I saw her crestfallen face slowly sink further down as she allowed herself to slump into the chair, I immediately regretted losing my temper.
I huffed and made my way back downstairs, setting Celestia’s note on Twilight’s vanity before borderline sliding back down to the ground floor. I needed something to take my mind off of things, so I scanned through some of her books, looking for anything in particular that sounded interesting. I settled on a novel that I can’t quite remember the name of and meandered my way through it. It’s unfortunate I don’t remember the name, because the book was actually quite interesting. From what I remember, it was about a book that makes some sort of contract with a pony, and all the leyline systems of equine kind get ripped out of their bodies and they become these ghost creatures. It was vaguely familiar, like I’d seen or heard of something similar back home, but I couldn’t quite place it. At the time, I was far too distraught over my recent outburst to really put my focus into anything else. I felt horrible about it. She may have been ordered to do so, but Twilight took me in. She even looked out for me even when she didn’t have to, and I yell at her over something stupid.
My self-deprecating train of thought was suddenly interrupted by none other than Twilight, walking up to me with what looked like a cheesecake being levitated behind her.
“...Franco?”
I tried to pretend I didn’t notice her and buried my head back into the novel. Not even I think it was very convincing.
“Look, I know you probably don’t wanna talk to me right now, but I remembered how you taught Pinkie before, so I made this.” She levitated the cheesecake in front of her.
She made that? Wait… I turned my head to the nearest window to find that it was basically pitch-black outside. When the hell did it become night? How long have I been reading this book?
“I wanted to apologize properly. I should have told you that I was asked to watch over you. I just thought it would’ve been more comfortable for you here if I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
I sighed, finally closing the book I held as I massaged my brow. “You’re so pure and you don’t even realize it…” I muttered.
“What?” She tilted her head.
“Don’t apologize, Twilight. I think I should be doing that instead. I shouldn’t have yelled at you over something so stupid. Sorry.”
She smiled at me again. Christ, that smile. It’s the sort of smile you’d lay your life on the line for. “Friends?”
“Don’t push your luck.”
To my surprise, Twilight giggled over that. “That better have been a joke, Franco!”
It wasn’t, but for your sake, just this once, I’ll let you think that. I shrugged. “I’m a comedic god. Worship me and all shall know my name.”
She snorted into laughter. “So you can crack jokes!”
“...Twilight.” Upon my word her laughter slowly wound down as she looked back up at me. I spoke my next words carefully, trying not to reveal too much about my personal life. “My life has been rather… difficult, which in turn has made me someone that I’m sure is difficult to get along with. So, thank you. For putting up with me. You shouldn’t have to.”
Her gaze, filled with concern, pierced my eyes. “...Do you wanna talk about it? You might feel better if you do.”
I could no longer bear looking at her. “No. I don’t.”
She placed a comforting hoof upon my leg. “If you ever change your mind, I’ll always listen.”
I simply nodded. I didn’t know what to say. In all my life, there've been two people that have treated me with this sort of kindness and compassion. Seeing it here, especially from someone I barely knew at the time, felt strange.
I saw some plates fly into the room as the cake was put on the nearby table. She sliced the cake with a thin sheet of mana and put a slice on each of the plates. She levitated one of the plates up to me. “Here, let’s try it! I’ve been dying to have some since we were at Sugarcube Corner.”
I took the plate and noticed a distinct lack of silverware. I would have settled on a spoon if not a fork. I looked around to see if there had been one lying about I could maybe wipe off with my shirt but no such luck.
Twilight cocked her head at me. “Whaffs wraung?” Her mouth was full of cheesecake.
“Uh… You wouldn’t happen to have any silverware, would you? Like a fork or a spoon?”
She quickly finished chewing and swallowed what she had in her mouth. “Oh! Of course.” A fork came hovering in from the kitchen and stopped right in front of my free arm that I wasn’t using for the plate.
“Thanks,” I said, accepting the utensil.
Twilight hummed her affirmation as she levitated another piece of cake on her plate and just started assaulting it. I mean really, just outright murdering this cake. No utensils, no magic levitating portions of her cake to her mouth, nothing. Just digging her face straight into it and ripping it apart with her teeth as she munched.
I guess I must have been staring too much, because she looked over at me. “Wha?” Yet again, not stopping to finish what was in her mouth before talking.
“Nothing, it’s just… I didn’t peg you for being a messy eater, that’s all.”
Her face turned a shade of purple I hadn’t seen yet as she swallowed again. “Well, I didn’t know you could bake, so we’re even.”
I smirked. “Heh. Touche.”
She beamed at me. “I think that’s the first smile I’ve seen from you.”
“Don’t get used to it.” I finally dug into the cake and found that Twilight had baked it perfectly. “By the way, how did you know what to do for the rest of this cake? You weren’t around for my water bath explanation.”
“I went back to Sugarcube Corner earlier and talked to Pinkie about it. She told me how the rest of it went.”
“I see…” I was pretty sure where she was going to go next.
“You should hang out with her again. I think she likes you, since she couldn’t stop raving over how nice you were to her.”
I frowned. “She’s overreacting. I wasn’t nice.”
“That’s not what I saw.” Twilight levitated her plate down next to the rest of the cake. “You calmed her down, you were patient with her, you even knew when to step back and let her handle things on her own. You didn’t have to do any of that. Honestly, if you had told us you teach baking for a living, I would have believed it.”
“Seriously, why does everyone keep saying that to me today? Also, just because I was able to instruct her properly does not mean I was nice. I just didn’t want her to butcher the art of baking any more than she already had trying to make that cake.”
She gave a quizzical “Hmm?” before doing what I could only interpret as a shrug from their species. “Well, call it what you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that Pinkie’s really taken a liking to you. You should hang out with her again.”
“...I’ll think about it.” I found myself saying that far too much this day. “Oh, before I forget, ‘survival of the fittest.’”
“What?”
“The note Celestia gave you. It means ‘survival of the fittest.’”
“Oh!” Her horn immediately flared up again, and I saw some paper fly in front of her along with a quill and ink. Either she’s just really old fashioned or pens haven’t become mainstream yet. “‘Survival of the fittest’?” she echoed, scribbling it down as she said it.
“A more literal translation would be ‘the weak, meat, the strong, eat,’ but ‘survival of the fittest’ is the colloquialism directly associated with the phrase that means the same thing.”
“Fascinating…” She nodded while scribbling more stuff down, presumably taking notes. “And this language is common where you’re from?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Not as common as some others, anyway. I just liked the language and wanted to learn it. Had the opportunity while I was at University, so I took it.”
“Well, I’m certainly glad you did! With your help, our historians will be able to have a monumental breakthrough in understanding more of the Old World’s culture!”
“I’m sure. If you have anything else in that language you need me to translate, feel free to send it my way. I’m actually quite curious myself as to how and where this language originated in this world.”
“You bet! Also, uh…” She gave me a sheepish grin. “You think maybe you could teach me the language? I’d like to be able to read it, too…”
“Maybe later. For now, I’d like to get some rest. This day took far more out of me than I thought.” Friendship is apparently difficult work when you’re as out of practice as I was.
“Of course,” she said, levitating the cake and sending it back into the kitchen. “I should probably report to the Princess about this. I’ll be up in my room if you need anything.”
I nodded my understanding as she made her way to the stairs, stopping when she got to the base of them.
“Good night, Franco.” Twilight gave a soft smile.
I hummed my approval upon the wish without saying anything more. I regret not telling her the same. I really should have.
Custard Cheesecake Recipe Ingredients: 3 eggs (separated into yolks and whites) 70g sugar 20g corn starch 200mL milk (Note: make sure it’s warm before mixing) 5g vanilla bean paste (Couldn’t find any in Pinkie’s kitchen, so I skipped it. Can’t use vanilla extract for the same effect without making the cheesecake watery. Cake without it has a bit more of a tangy aftertaste due to the cream cheese, can be offset with a sweet-tasting jam on top, like strawberry.) 20g unsalted butter 200g cream cheese 10g lemon juice 10g cake flour Optional: jam/preserves Note: these ingredients are measured with a 30 cm. cake tin in mind. Adjust ratios according to size of tin.
Prep: Oven preheated to 150° Celcius (300° F) 1. Separate yolks and whites 2. Whisk yolks with 20g of sugar and corn starch 3. Add warm milk and vanilla bean paste 4. Put mixture on stove and keep stirring. When you see it start to curdle slightly when you stir, take it off 5. Take butter and stir in completely while mixture is still warm 6. Whisk cream cheese alone in a separate bowl until it becomes smooth 7. Add custard to cream cheese and mix 8. Sift cake flour into mixture and stir 9. Prep meringue by using egg whites and whisking them with hand mixer 10. Once whites become foamy, add rest of sugar in 3 batches 11. After sugar is added, keep mixing until consistency is soft peaks (Note: check for this by lifting the hand mixer all the way out of the meringue. If the strands that are formed maintain their shape, but wilt back into the mixture, that’s soft peaks. Should take close to 5 minutes if done correctly) 12. Fold meringue into custard in at least 2 batches. (Note: never all at once. Will get air pockets in mixture and cheesecake will either get lumpy or explode. Sometimes both, not fun) 13. Lather collapsible cake tin with butter and put baking parchment over butter 14. Once lined, pour cake mixture into tin and tap tin to make sure no pockets of air remain 15. Prepare steam bath by using 2 different sized tins larger than the cake tin you’re using. Pour water in largest tin, place other tin in water, then cake tin in that one. Want the effect of the steam bath without having the water touch the cake tin. (Note: make sure your water is at boiling temperature before putting it in oven, steam bath won’t have effect otherwise) 16. Bake for 60 minutes or until cake becomes slightly golden brown 17. Let rest in oven for ~10 minutes. Can instead let it rest for a few minutes in the oven then a few minutes in the fridge if desired 18. (Optional) Spread jam/preserves on top of cheesecake once cooled. Apricot, strawberry, or raspberry jams work best (Note: if you brush the preserves on, it’ll give the cheesecake a nice, glossy finish. Good for restaurants if trying to be fancy)
I’m quite lucky I’m a light sleeper that tends to wake up early. Or, I guess more accurately, that I don’t sleep well at night and tend to get up earlier than most simply because I don’t want to go back to sleep, but I digress. I could hear Twilight was shuffling around quite a bit up there once morning came. I didn’t know what she was doing, nor was I sure I wanted to know depending on the scenario. I figured I would just pick up a book to read and wait for her to come down if it was important enough. I wasn’t about to risk a trip up the stairs again after the horrible experience I had with it last time.
Once I heard the rustling upstairs stop, I saw Twilight struggling to come down with overfilled saddlebags strapped on her sides, spilling their contents on the stairs with every step she took. There were so many scrolls, parchment and quills that I couldn’t even begin to count them all. It seemed like she was about to collapse due to their weight at any minute. With considerable effort, she finally made it down and just melted onto the ground floor, panting a bit as she tried to catch her breath, I walked over to her, my curiosity at her antics now piqued.
I looked down at her.
“Oh… good… you’re… up…” Twilight managed to wheeze out, her face slamming back down on the ground.
“What’s with the packing?”
“Princess… Canterlot… Gotta come…” She was struggling to get the words out to even try and form a cohesive sentence. It wasn’t working.
“Breathe.”
She took a solid minute to catch her breath, not even bothering to try and pick herself back up off the floor. “The Princess wants to meet with you. You gotta come with me to Canterlot.”
I was wondering when this was going to happen. “Very well.” I took this opportunity to unfasten her saddlebag, pick it up, and sling it over my shoulder. It clearly had some books in there, but it wasn’t that heavy. I guess the old stereotypes about mages always being physically weaker than warriors held true even here. Well, that or I was double her size and could thus carry far more weight than her. Considering ponies are only like 3’ tall max, it was probably the latter.
She gave me a grin and picked herself up now that the weight was lifted from her back. “Thanks.”
I nodded my response as the two of us made it down to the train station to depart. I had asked about the dragon coming along with us, but Twilight sighed as she mentioned something about a note being left for him since she couldn’t get him up. Considering they sleep in the same room and with all the noise she was making upstairs earlier, I was legitimately surprised she managed to not wake up the whole neighborhood, let alone her little brother. Either way, apparently whenever the Princess calls her to do something, she drops everything and goes running to her. With her actions the previous night, I suppose that should have been a level of dedication I would have expected out of Twilight Sparkle, but the act surprised me at the time.
Something I noticed that was quite bizarre about their society is that while I may have gotten stares, no one really seemed to care that a giant who’s double their size is using their public transportation system. I guess that was the advantage of being on a planet with a number of other sapient species other than their own? I asked Twilight about it and she said that the other ponies must just think I’m some variation of minotaur. The fact that minotaurs not only exist here but are also sapient somewhat bothered me. Most of the stories I’d heard about them back home are that they were a cross between a human and a bull, so how did they come about here if there aren’t any humans? Clearly they evolved a different way, but would they still be ape descendants? How many are there? Do they, too, have their own structure of government? These are the sorts of questions I would chase answers for at the library if I still had access to one. Seeing as I was currently on a train, that was, unfortunately, not possible.
The ride up took a little over an hour, I think, and my arrival upon Canterlot- their capital city- was met with a far more hostile response than the one I received from Ponyville. Where before I had just gotten some stares and ponies moved on, the ponies in this town were apparently far more high-strung and willing to sling insults at whatever tickles their fancy. Many of them would openly huff, crane their heads all the way up- ironic, since I think it had the opposite effect from what they intended- and tried to turn away from me. Some would see me, stop, do a double-take, and then immediately bolt in the opposite direction; an action I found to be quite humorous. I even got one to faint right in the middle of the road. My crowning achievement in this town thus far.
It’s unfortunate that my presence here was met with, shall I say... less than optimal results, as I found the city itself to be quite interesting. It was built on an encove near the top of a mountain with some of it being placed almost precariously upon the side, surely a modern marvel of their current engineering standard, with far taller buildings than the ones I saw at Ponyville. It was properly organized, with buildings and establishments being segregated into their appropriate districts. The Royal Palace, even from the outside, seemed to be quite extravagant as well. Honestly, the only thing I really saw that was missing was maps placed at the start and end of every district as landmarks to help allow non-residents find their way around town. It was a place I’d actually like to explore around, had it not been for these snooty reprobates displaying a level of xenophobia I’d expect from some of the worst out of my race. Finding that here over Ponyville was unexpected, as it’d probably be the other way around back home had one of them been in my situation. Bizarre indeed.
Twilight couldn’t help but apologize profusely as she bore witness to the backlash that my coming here caused. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t really care, and- very explicitly- to not apologize on behalf of those that didn’t share her viewpoint. After all, if they don’t represent you as a person- or pony, in this case- then why apologize on their behalf? It was a waste of her time and mine. Also hearing her apologize once every 15 seconds or so was really grating.
Excessive apologizing aside, we finally made it to the entrance of the Royal Palace, a fairly easy feat with all the ponies moving out of our way in disgust. Apparently xenophobia has at least some positive usage. I was thoroughly looked over by the guards standing at the entrance, and once they noticed Twilight next to me, they nodded and allowed us passage. Following her lead, Twilight led me down a series of corridors that not even I could memorize all of at the time. The sheer size and scope of this palace was massive, and the fact that Twilight knew exactly where to head and what corner to turn really showcased just how often she was here. She’s either very close to her mentor, or she’s been here long enough to memorize the place. Maybe both.
Our walking ceased once we made it to these- what I assume to be- extravagant, gold-trimmed doors. The guards didn’t even acknowledge us; they simply opened the door, and once we were inside, immediately closed it again. What I had walked into was a throne room, adorned with a number of stained glass windows depicting what I assume were important events in their nation’s history. Twilight and her friends had two of them. She was apparently far more important than she was letting on.
At the end of the room sat two thrones, one decorated with a sun and the other with a moon. A pony sat at each one, but to my surprise, they were significantly larger than any other I had come across thus far. The one sitting at the sun chair was almost a pure white color with a horn and wings. Her mane was this swirling of soft, tinted greens, blues, and pinks that seemed to sparkle and shimmer when the sun glazed over them just right. The other also had a horn and wings, and was a dark shade of midnight blue, with a portion of her rear end fading into pure black. Her mane was also a pure black splotched with little specks of light that felt like you were gazing into the night sky if you stared at it long enough. Clearly these two were vastly different from all those I had met prior to this.
Twilight had prostrated herself- I think?- on the ground, presumably as some sort of bow or curtsy to the two of them. I simply stood there, Twilight’s bags in one of my hands still slung over my shoulder and the other hand in my hoodie’s pocket. Call us Americans stubborn all you like, but I bow to no leader that I don’t respect, and at this point I had close to no idea what this ruler was like. To say that I was on edge at this meeting would be fitting.
The white one rose from her seat, flaring her wings out as she walked closer to us. She stood about as tall as me, with her horn reaching a couple inches over my head. She stared, silently, as her eyes hovered over me up and down. Eventually she finally settled on my face and spoke for the first time.
“You are Franco Herman, correct?” It wasn’t a question. Her voice was almost monotone, as if she was forcing herself to speak that way. It was a manner of speaking I’d expect from a Princess. Forcibly refined. Commanding. Well spoken. She at least had the demeanor of a leader.
How nerve-wracking. “Correct.” I affirmed, my eyes unwavering off her.
“My student has spoken much about you, yet we still know so little. I’m sure you won’t mind if I ask you some questions?” Once again, not a question.
“I would not have come here of my own accord had I not been expecting some. Go ahead.” I didn’t believe that my affirmation was necessary, considering the tone of her voice, but she waited for it anyway.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “How many wars has your species had?”
Oh. I get the feeling this is going to get ugly. “...Timeframe?”
I could tell she wasn’t happy about the request for clarification, because she let out a worried, “The last hundred years?”
“Of the ones my country fought in?” I tried to do a quick mental note of the recent wars we’ve had. It had been relatively quiet after the last war ended a few years ago, but there was no way I’d have known about all of the ones outside of what my country was a part of. Not like I really needed to, anyway. America’s compulsive need to maintain its status as a dominant superpower led us to waging far more wars than most other countries on the planet. “...I wanna say 10.”
I noticed both Twilight and the dark blue one gave me shocked glances. The white one, too, seemed very unnerved by the revelation I gave them. “...And of the rest of your kind?”
“Don’t know. Never kept track.” This was a partial lie. I knew it was somewhere over 10,000 collectively, but merely speculating it was somewhere that high, and potentially even higher, wouldn’t look good for me no matter how it was spun.
She stepped back a bit as she asked the next question. “And what of the total number your country has participated in?”
She’s really harping on this. I had to give the question more thought than I would’ve liked. “Don’t remember the exact number off the top of my head. Close to 30 sounds about right.”
“How old is your country?”
At least that one is easy. Maybe I can get a question in to clarify something, although I might not like the answer. “276 years. What of your country? How many wars has your kind had?”
I think she was about to ask another question, but stopped for a moment and plastered a neutral expression on her face. “None in the last 400 years.”
Oh. I was wondering why I couldn’t find any records of their recent warfare. They don’t have any. “...I see.” I didn’t know what else to say. In comparison to theirs, my species must’ve seemed like pure savages. I guess that’s actually not an unfair statement to make, all things considered. I was becoming increasingly worried after she said that. My species is far more violent than theirs, and I basically just threatened them with how much more experience we have with warfare by comparison. To say that I accidentally put myself into an unfavorable position would be an extreme understatement.
“How many of these numerous wars have you participated in?”
I was almost afraid to answer truthfully. “One.”
She got really quiet for a minute. Eventually she settled on her next question. Well, I say question, but... “...Give me one good reason I should allow you to stay here.”
I had to force myself to stop panicking internally. I had no idea whether other countries would be as willing to take me into their society as this one was, but at this point all I felt I could do at the time was simply resign myself to this inevitable fate. “...I suppose after a revelation like that, there wouldn’t be one. Deport me, if you must.”
She retracted her wings and turned around to walk back over to her throne. Once she sat down, she spoke once more. “I most certainly do not approve of your species’ obsession with violence, but clearly it seems it can be put to good use if handled correctly.”
How strange. I was certain she would have had me exiled.
“With help from my student, you managed to quell a small population of one of the more dangerous threats to this nation’s small towns, without anypony getting hurt in the process, no less. You have shown adherence to the laws of this land, and even assisted with the translation of a language many of us believed to be dead. I see no reason why you should not be allowed to stay.”
...What? It almost sounds like she-
“In other words,” she concluded, “I believe you are selling yourself short.” She gave a soft smile, the first expression I saw from her that wasn’t forced in some way. “Proper introductions are in order. I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. The one sitting next to me is my sister, Princess Luna.”
“Charmed,” Luna finally spoke up, nodding in my direction.
“I asked my student to bring you here today to confirm a few things about you, our previous conversation being one of them.”
“...And the others?” I finally asked. I wasn’t sure if that was the start of the conversation or not. She really threw me off my game.
“Some safety precautions as well as Equestrian formalities. I am not sure how much of our nation you were able to learn about prior to this, but we would like to administer a G.I. test to you, as well as some medical examinations.”
The medical examinations make sense, but… “‘G.I. test?’”
“‘General Intelligence.’ We feel it helps lost ponies find their purpose if they have their intellectual standards measured and compared to the types of jobs that are around their level. Does your nation do something similar?”
“We have similar tests, but they aren’t used in the same way.”
Celestia nodded in understanding. “We would like to go through the medical examinations first, so please walk with us to the Royal Bastion Hospital. There is an appointment for you already scheduled.”
...So they had no intention of deporting me? Then why did she…?
“You’re coming with us, Princess?” Twilight finally spoke up. I guess she must have been as nervous as I was throughout that bombshell of a first conversation I had with Celestia.
“Of course,” She smiled at her. “I would like to see the results of both the examination and the G.I. test firsthoof, so I shall be joining you. Come, Twilight. We will wait for them outside.”
I’m sure I must have given the same quizzical stare as Twilight as she was ushered out of the room by one of the Princesses. That left only this Luna and I remaining in the large, empty room. She got off her throne and came up to me, much closer than Celestia did.
“We wished to have a word with thee in private, Franco Herman.” The first words Luna spoke to me had the speech pattern I’d expect from an old Shakespearean novel. Even used the royal “we” and everything.
“Very well.”
“You rarely sleep here, and even when you do, it is not for very long. You are plagued by creatures of the night, no?”
How in the hell...? Don’t tell me mind reading is actually possible here. “...What makes you say that?” I figured there was no way she’d be able to physically tell if I was tired, considering the only frame of reference she had to my species was me. I also figured if she could actually read my mind, she’d only be able to tell by delving into it in front of me.
“We hold dominion over the dream realm. It is our duty to watch over the dreams of all who reside in our kingdom. We are more than familiar when somepony is consumed with so much darkness that they cannot sleep. What ails thee, Franco? Why do you refuse to rest?”
So she can’t read my mind, or I guess she can only do so if I’m asleep? Let’s test it. “I don’t. I get all the sleep I need.”
Luna frowned at me. “You must have nerves constructed of the strongest steel if you intend to lie to one of Equestria’s reigning rulers. We know that is not the case, and we shall not drop this matter. It is of grave importance that these nightmares of yours be ripped out at the root.”
What? There shouldn’t be any way for her to know that the amount of sleep I get isnt enough without reading my mind now, right? Her horn didn’t do that glowing thing that Twilight’s does when she uses magic, so I can probably rule that out. I think I need another test. I am curious, though... “Why?”
“We are not sure how it works on your world, but if allowed to fester here, nightmares can prove to be quite dangerous. They attain power by feeding upon the leyline systems of ponies. If left unchecked, they can consume the host’s mind and control their bodies. Should they become strong enough, some can even break out of the dream realm into our reality and wreak serious havoc upon all those that come into contact with it.”
I didn’t even believe what I was hearing. All that damage can be done just by a nightmare? I guess I also had the wrong impression of what her powers do. Maybe she can see what I’m dreaming and when it’s happening? It’s the only explanation I can think of, assuming she isn’t able to tell that I’m lying.
Looking back, I suppose it makes sense that nightmares are dangerous if magic is just an expression of willpower upon reality. Operating under the assumption that this dream realm is an extension of this reality, then it stands to reason that if you subconsciously release enough mana while dreaming, you could perform a spell without meaning to that can now go rampant since you no longer have control over it. Kinda like Silver Chariot Requiem, only potentially way more dangerous.
“...So you’re saying I’m a ticking time bomb?”
“We are not sure what that expression means, but it needs not come to disaster if you allow us to help.”
Great. So my options are let someone I barely know, let alone trust, into the deepest parts of my head, or kill myself. I believe I need to reassess how I feel about this place. “...Perhaps it would have been better had your sister simply exiled me.”
She shook her head. “That would have made things more difficult. Simply leaving the nation does not ensure that your nightmares will not consume you. The further away from us you are, the less our power would be able to help you.”
I guess that explains why they seemingly had no intention of deporting me.
“Why are you so defiant about this issue? Most ponies would beg to have their nightmares taken away to sleep soundly during the night, yet you seem intent on keeping them.”
Because I deserve them. “...I have my reasons.”
She gave me a concerned stare. “...We shall give you some time to cooperate with us upon this issue, but hope that you are willing to share these reasons soon. Nightmares of this intensity and frequency can only stand to damage your psyche in the best case scenario.”
You are far too late for that.
Luna sighed. “We simply ask that you be more open, at least with us. Know that you can trust us. It may be our job, but we do care for your well-being. If not for yourself, at least consider those around you, as they would no doubt be affected by this nightmare you insist upon latching on to.”
It was now slowly starting to click why ponies were so nice with each other. Or, most of them anyway. If having nightmares can result in this outcome, then it makes sense to band together to fight them in a healthy, constructive manner. Fighting them that way would help prevent the problem from ever coming back, for the most part. Getting a thick skin simply wouldn’t cut it, and in some cases would be an active detriment depending on how said thick skin is obtained in the first place. No matter how hard you try, you can’t run from nightmares, so metaphorically standing your ground to fight them is the only option left at that point, right? This is, of course, operating under the assumption that you care enough to not want them to consume you. It’s no wonder they haven’t seen warfare in four centuries.
“I will… make an effort. That’s all I can promise,” I was practically forced to relent.
Luna simply nodded at me. “Come, then. Let us resume with the day’s activities.”
She walked right past me on the way out of the room with me following suit behind her. With this grave news looming over my head, I had no idea what I was going to do going forward.
Exiting the throne room, Luna and I were met with Twilight and Celestia not far away from it, chatting about something I wasn’t able to follow along with. No doubt Celestia was close to listen in on our conversation. Whether she could actually hear it or not, I wasn’t sure, but there was no way she didn’t already know what it was about. The four of us merged our split groups and made our way over to the hospital. It was a fairly short walk from the palace, so the only reason it took any time at all was due to the number of corridors we had to pass through to get out of the palace in the first place. Why these sisters were so obsessed with constructing these elaborate buildings with seemingly no end was beyond me. I mean, they can use magic and fly, do they really think that someone busting in is going to be so much of a threat that it warrants this labyrinth of a castle even their staff would have a hard time navigating? It’s weird for a race that hasn’t seen warfare for as long as they have, especially given Ponyville’s standard. Either they’re incompetent, or their residence gets broken into far more than they’d like.
Interior designs of royal buildings aside, this was my first time stepping into one of their hospitals. It looked like a blast from the past. Within the last 15 years or so, hospitals back home got a huge revamp, standardizing the structure and organization of every building in the country so that no matter which one you went to, everything was where it should be in the place that you would expect to find it. Every single time. The only variations were the size of the rooms and hallways and that depended upon how large the city’s population count was. From what I understood, the reorganization of structure was only a mere afterthought to the true goal of lowering administrative costs to a reasonable level. The processes being used before were so needlessly convoluted that every hospital needed practically an army of lawyers covering their asses at every given moment to prevent getting sued. No idea why the system was so fucked back then or how it got to be that way, but it’s nice having affordable health care now. This one, on the other hand, was a bit more freeform in its organization, far more similar to how hospitals used to be constructed around the time I was born. It was strangely nostalgic, but I could only hope Equestria wasn’t plagued by the same problems we once had.
I got checked in and brought to a fairly large room with a number of pieces of their hospital equipment in it. From what I could recognize, there was a heart rate monitor and blood pump machine, but along with what looked like some strange scanner of sorts. These were all fairly bulky, hence the need for the large room, I imagine. Also my height certainly didn’t help placing me in a room much.
What I could only assume was a doctor came into the room that I was standing in, and told me to take a seat on the hospital bed. It was a grey unicorn with blue eyes in a lab coat, stethoscope draped across his neck. Kinda surprising considering nurses usually come in first, but maybe my first time here was a special case? Y’know, come to think of it, he may very well have been a veterinarian considering what these ponies were dealing with. Well vet or not, I admired his professionalism, if nothing else. Dude didn’t even blink upon seeing me, just came in and told me to sit down.
I sat on the bed as he spoke. “Good afternoon. My name is Doctor Grand Cross. I’m going to need some urine, stool, and blood samples from you, but before that I’d like to get a look at your anatomy. Would you please remove all your clothing and lie down flat on the bed?”
How mortifying. This is why I hate going to the doctor. I sighed. “Sure.”
I did as he instructed up until it came time to take off the shirt underneath my hoodie and my underwear. I suppose my need to cover up my genitalia was just some natural shame that I had acquired due to my societal upbringing, but my shirt… I had quite a number of scars that I didn’t like looking at. They made me paranoid about covering up all the time, which is why you’d never see me in something like a tank top, let alone shirtless. Quite literally the only time I ever took off my hoodie was to shower and do laundry, so being in a situation like this was beyond nerve-wracking.
Reluctantly, I finally pulled my shirt off, revealing my mangled torso for the doctor to see. Not even he could hide his shock at the sheer number of reminders I had accumulated over the years. Well, it would be more accurate to just say “year” in that context, but you understand my point. I had a lot of them, and I wasn’t exactly willing to reveal them at a moment’s notice. My undergarments also came off as I laid down on the bed.
To my surprise, the bed was actually tall enough to fit me completely. Unfortunately my surprise was completely overshadowed as the doctor’s intent gaze on my form was embarrassing me beyond belief. I understand that he needed to, as none of them had seen my species before, but it still bothered me to be stared at in such a way. Eventually after some notes he told me to turn around, revealing the rest of the scars I had on my back.
The next test he told me to sit back up as they hooked me up to their heart monitor. They wanted to get a good feel for what my blood pressure was like, as well as how I breathed as he listened to my lungs with a stethoscope. They took a sample of my blood, and once that was over, he told me to stand up fully against the wall as he set up the scanner I saw earlier. Apparently it was used to read the leyline systems of any creature it scanned. Sort of like an x-ray, but for detecting mana flow. Speaking of which, they x-rayed me too.
Once the x-ray was finished, he finally allowed me to put my clothes back on, an action I was all too eager to comply with. After getting fully dressed, I was escorted to a restroom as they still needed my urine and stool samples. With considerable effort trying to force something out of my system, I finally came out with what they asked for.
“Is that everything you needed from me?” I finally asked.
“There is one more thing, but it will be quick,” he said, levitating my urine sample close to his eye to study it more intently.
“...It doesn’t require me getting naked again, does it?”
He simply chuckled. “No. All that’s left now would be to…” He trailed off, an unsure look on his face. “I’m not sure if your kind does this as well, but we need to scan your brain.”
“Ah, an MRI.” I gave him a concerned stare. “I don’t need to disrobe for that?”
“Ah, so you are familiar. And no, we’re just going to scan your cranial structure, so you don’t need to worry about disrobing again.”
I hadn’t intended on letting it out, but I gave a sigh of relief upon the realization.
“I suppose I can see why you’d be reluctant to take off your clothing, considering your particular condition. May I ask-?”
“No.” I frowned at him.
“My apologies, perhaps I could have phrased that better. I meant if there was anything in particular for us to look out for that would be out of the ordinary?”
Oh. I thought… “Uh… Just one thing as far as I’m aware. Metal plate attached to what’s left of my right shoulder blade. It should come up on the x-ray.”
He quickly levitated a clipboard in front of him as he walked and scribbled something on it, presumably a note about what I just said. It was difficult to make out, apparently doctors here have writing just as bad as the ones back home. Must be a consequence of the job.
Grand Cross looked up and smiled at me. “Thank you, Franco. I understand this must be uncomfortable for you on a multitude of levels. If you just bear with us for this one last test, we should be out of your mane for a while.”
He was surprisingly cordial, and once their version of the colloquialism clicked for me, I was able to reply. “...Right. Thanks.”
I was taken to a different room that looked like the MRI scanners of old. Took up the entire room, and was properly sealed off so as to not let the mild radiation affect the doctors constantly performing them. I had taken an MRI scan before, so I knew what to do as I laid down on the bed-like structure that was comically small for me and my head was inside the machine. I heard the distinct whirring as it began to scan, and eventually after it stopped, Grand Cross came back in to get me out.
Finally, now that all the tests were over, I followed Grand Cross to the room that the Princesses and Twilight had been waiting in. The doctor levitated all his scans on the light-up board- wish I could remember what they called those things- and began a thorough examination of all of them. He stopped once he found something on a scan of my right shoulder.
“This is rather strange.” He placed his hoof on the mana scan of my right shoulder.
The girls around me seemed far more perplexed by it than I was, considering I had no idea what I was looking at. At first I thought he was referring to the plate, but Twilight spoke up, “T-two signatures...?”
“I don’t have any idea what I’m staring at.” I said expectantly.
Twilight looked up at me. “Your body is displaying two mana signatures! In other words, you’ve got leyline systems from two different sources! How in Equestria is that even possible?!”
I remembered from Twilight’s lecture that the leyline system was intrinsically tied to the nervous system. If the brain was the head of the nervous system, then it stood to reason that it was also the head of the leyline system as well. It must have been why horns were on their foreheads rather than, say, on their stomach or back. Meaning, if there was more than one source coming from someone- “So it’s like I’ve got a second brain in my arm?” I had a feeling I knew how it happened, but wasn’t sure if I should tell them.
Celestia and Luna both seemed surprised that I followed along with Twilight’s explanation. Twilight, on the other hand, continued her confused rambling. “Yes! How?! Can you think of anything that would have caused this?”
I have a couple of ideas as to why, but I’d really rather not tell them anything. “That is strange. And no, not particularly. Humans can’t use magic, so I’m at just as much of a loss as you are.” My arm is a sensitive topic, and I’d like to avoid digging up old wounds as best I can.
I think maybe Celestia was able to see that I was hiding something, as she gave me quite a long stare before finally responding, “I see… Is there anything else abnormal? No potential diseases or other pathogens that might be harmful to ponies?”
“Toxicology has yet to finish their analysis, Your Highness. It may very well take a while for them to piece together his DNA structure.”
“Chimpanzee.” I answered.
They all stared at me.
Perhaps they don’t have such a creature here? Just to be certain- “Species of ape? Black hair. Disproportionately long arms. Relatively slender frame.”
“We know of the species, yes. We are unsure of your meaning, however,” Luna spoke up.
Oh. Apparently I need to be more thorough with some of my explanations. “Compare mine to the blood of a chimpanzee. They should share 99% of my DNA. Should help with the guesswork.”
The doctor scribbled a note down on his clipboard. “I’ll have to hunt around and see if we can find any from some other animal hospitals around the country. To my knowledge, there shouldn’t be any in Canterlot. Chimpanzees are quite rare here in Equestria.”
“If that’s the case, then I think mice share 97% of my DNA, as well. You could try that if you can’t find any chimpanzee blood.” Please don’t fucking ask me how I know that.
“I think toxicology is going to love you for all that help. They’ll have a field day, I’m sure.” Thank Christ.
“Please notify us of any changes you might discover, Doctor,” Celestia said.
He leaned himself over slightly, although nowhere near as much as Twilight was before, “Of course, Your Highness.”
Leaving the hospital felt absolutely fantastic. I’ve always hated doctor appointments, and even though Grand Cross was somewhat pleasant, I didn’t want to go back there again. We walked back over to the palace, but this time instead of the throne room, we made our way to the opposite wing where I was brought into a room very akin to a classroom. And by that I mean it was basically just a classroom with only one desk in there. I guess they prep rooms like this for ponies going to take this test. For what purpose emulating a classroom is supposed to serve is beyond me, but I took a seat at the small desk all the same.
Apparently Luna and Twilight didn’t follow us in, as Celestia was the only one administering the test to me. Unfortunate, as I probably would have handed Twilight back her bag had I known she wouldn’t be joining us. She levitated a sizable stack of papers on my desk along with a scantron sheet and pencil to go with it. Oh, they use these too. That’s convenient, but then surely pens must be widespread by now. Why does Twilight use a quill and ink? Maybe she panicked and it was the first thing she thought of to write with? But then that doesn’t explain all the quills and ink in this bag. Curious.
She interrupted my train of thought that I’d definitely have to bring up to Twilight later. “There is no time limit, so feel free to work out your answers as much as possible, to the best of your ability. I’m sure I need not mention this, but there will be no help from outside sources in any way. You must answer these on your own. You may start whenever you’re ready.”
Ah. I guess that’s why the other two didn’t follow us in.
Celestia must’ve done this millions of times before with a statement worded like that. As I dug into the test, I found most of the questions insultingly easy. There were 250 questions total, and I’d say maybe 30 of them actually made me think for more than five seconds. Most of them were things I’d find in a grade school textbook back home, like how rain forms naturally, or the rate at which gravity applies to the planet. Considering I didn’t feel any lighter or heavier being here, I had assumed it was the same rate as back home, so that made things a bit easier. Some were reading comprehension, spelling, there were some logic puzzles I found fun, but they were the more common ones you’d find back home, so I knew the answers to all the ones showcased in the test. There were some actual, pure pattern recognition questions strewn about with the logic puzzles, but nowhere near as many as I was expecting. The only questions that gave me trouble were the more culture-oriented ones, and the ones about magic. I hoped that the lecture Twilight gave me a few days prior was enough for me to work out some of the problems, but I guess I’d just have to see.
After about maybe an hour and a half of test taking, I walked up and handed her the scantron.
Celestia studied me before asking. “You’re already finished? You can always review your work to ensure your answers are correct.”
“It’s fine.” If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. No amount of answer-changing will fix that. Even if it did, artificially inflating my score does nothing for me.
She nodded and the two of us went over to a machine in a nearby room. She fed the scantron through it, and the machine started to whirr and rumble. Once it stopped, it spit out a sheet of paper from the top. Celestia levitated the paper up to her, glanced over it and was about to say something, before looking back at the sheet again. It seemed like she was staring at it far longer than required.
“So...?” I finally asked, trying to prompt her into a response.
She levitated the paper back down onto the machine as she turned back into the room and motioned for me to follow her. I did as asked, and her horn lit up a brief, bright light. She had teleported a stack of folders and some paperwork onto the desk I was using. There were some blank sheets of paper on her desk, but none on mine.
“There is one more stage to this test before we can know your total score.”
“Which is…?”
“Please, sit back down.” I did as instructed as she continued. “The context for this portion is as follows: there has been a series of crimes believed to be committed by the same pony, but that pony has yet to be caught. Using the information provided, catch the culprit in question. Provide evidence and a motive in your response.”
I get the feeling this isn’t a test. “So do I just tell you my answer when I’m done?”
She simply nodded.
I picked up a loose page titled, “CASE REPORT” and gave it a brief glance. The case in question was about a teenage pony who was murdered, and that the crime was believed to be linked to a number of other similar cases that had shown up sporadically in the span of the previous 20 years or so from the most recent one. I looked at the autopsy report to find that she had been asphyxiated, same thing with all the other victims. What reinforced the belief of a link was the presence of an X being slashed into every victim’s right forehoof after their death, along with some strange sorts of notes. This led to the edgiest name imaginable being coined for the killer: Blood X Murderer, commonly abbreviated as BXM in some of the reports.
The only thing particularly noteworthy about the types of victims was the fact that they were all female teenagers, in other words none of them were of legal age. Otherwise there was no common thread between any of those murdered. Total body count was eight, with three being pegasi, four earth ponies, and one was a unicorn. There were two things that did strike me as odd, though. The first was the lack of any toxicology reports on any of these victims, and the second was that the same detective was on every single one of these incidents. One detective Virtuous Breeze, a male unicorn that looked like he hadn’t joined the force long before these killings started. He was lead detective for all of them, even the first one when he was really young. That’s strange. I wasn’t sure how they did things here, but typically no one gets solo cases like this so early into their career. I was no exception. I had to wait a couple years before I started getting cases to handle on my own, and even then it was only when we were overworked.
What was also strange was at every murder, a nonsensical note was left with each of the victim’s bodies, totalling to eight notes. Initially I didn’t see anything special, but when I aligned them properly, the first letter of every line vertically spelled out, “I A M C L O S E T O Y O U.” I had to jumble them and cut one out from the order in which they were received, though, as one note contained a “P C” that didn’t seem to fit anywhere in the message. It must have been an abbreviation for something, as I doubt someone would go through all the trouble of a coded message only for it to be rendered meaningless by a singular, out-of-place note.
I checked the suspects for each case and found that there were absolutely no recurring suspects throughout the cases in question. Theoretically, there should have been at least 1, but the lack of any was a little puzzling. With a sample size of 8 murders, typically patterns show up in and around the crime scenes, and I’m not just talking about these notes, either. The locations of the murders themselves play an important part as they tend to indicate where the killer can be found, like if they live in the nearby area, or if they’re travelling and renting a nearby hotel/motel room. I remember my mentor once had to deal with a case where she had a killer elude her for longer than he realistically should have due to abusing that old Zillow app. He would rent a room for a week on the app then immediately swap to somewhere else, and it continued for- what, a little over a month, I think? Primarily due to the app developers’ unwillingness to provide the killer’s transaction history and personal record on the app. Funnily enough, she didn’t even need the information to create a pattern to track him down. Old fashioned detective skills go a long way, I’ve noticed. That’s the sort of pattern I’m talking about, and it was strange that there didn’t seem to be one regarding these cases.
Something wasn’t quite adding up, so I went back and took out all the autopsy reports and descriptions of each of the crime scenes only to find that these notes simply weren’t mentioned. In any of them. At all. As far as these crimes were concerned, the notes were irrelevant, not related to the case. So why were these notes in the case files, then? I looked back at the first “CASE REPORT” I picked up and immediately found my answer. I would have laughed, but I wasn’t done yet. I still needed a motive.
What reason would he have to specifically target teenagers? I looked back at the notes, thinking they might have been love letters of some sort, but no. That wasn’t it. There weren’t any apparent clues in the autopsy reports, either. Then as I was browsing through some of the case descriptions written up by this Virtuous Breeze pony, I found something. A small slip-up of sorts. He mistakenly describes one of the victims as being pregnant, which the autopsy report for that victim didn’t mention. The next victim was pregnant, which the autopsy confirms, but no mention of it was made in that case report. Huh. I guess that was it. Also I guess technically the body count is 9, not 8.
The whole thing took me about 45 minutes, but I finally cracked it. Honestly, it was kinda fun. Just like digging into cold cases back home, certainly one of my more niche pastimes.
“Got it,” I finally said.
Upon my words, Celestia immediately perked up. “You... do?”
I hummed in affirmation. “This is an actual cold case, isn’t it?”
She didn’t say anything to me. Not that she needed to. I intended that question to be rhetorical.
“Well, either way...” I brought up all the evidence I would need to explain my point up to the desk she was sitting at. “There’s a little note that the killer left, as I’m sure you’ve already noticed.” I rearranged the notes I pulled to spell out the message. “‘I am close to you,’ clearly put there to try and taunt whoever was looking for him. But here’s the interesting part: none of these notes were mentioned in the initial descriptions of the crime scenes. In other words, they weren’t found with any of the bodies at any of the scenes.”
Her brow furrowed as she glanced over the case reports for each of the incidents I pulled out of their files. I continued, “Meaning these notes were placed in the case files for each incident after they already happened, with the exception of one: the most recent case.”
She looked at the case report in question and read over the contents as I explained further. “This report mentions that these notes were in all the other incidents, yet that’s clearly not the case based on the other reports themselves.”
“Which means?” Celestia looked at me expectantly.
“Take a look at who the lead detective is for each case.”
She levitated all the case reports in front of her and realized the same thing I did some 30 minutes ago. “Virtuous Breeze? You are accusing a detective of this?”
I nodded. “Given the information on hand, he’s practically the only one that could have, especially considering every case report was made personally by him. Also, I’m not sure how long these have been around, but every single one of these incidents is missing a toxicology report. There should have been at least some archaic version of it in some of these cases, but there isn’t a single one. Suspicious. He would have the ability to be able to cover up something like that since he was lead detective in every case, no?”
A grave look soured her face as she morbidly asked, “Motive?”
I pulled out two of the incidents with their corresponding autopsy reports. “Looks like these two happened within the span of about two months, while the others were far more spread out over the two decades in question.”
She glanced at the cases for one Cloudy Day and Sugar Fall. The first was 15 and the other 16. “This led to a slip up: Virtuous Breeze mistakenly labels Cloudy as pregnant when Sugar is- or, was, I guess.”
“I don’t believe I’m following.”
Christ, you really need me to spell this out for you after all that? No wonder this case is unsolved. “Why would he assume that someone who isn’t pregnant, that the autopsy report confirms isn’t pregnant, to be so at all? What possible reason could he have for that assumption?”
She frowned at me. “Just tell me.”
I held back rolling my eyes in exasperation. “He’s a pedophile.”
She seemed completely taken aback.
“By your definition and mine. He most likely engaged in romantic relationships with all of his victims and the second he thought they were pregnant, he killed them to cover his tracks. Pedophilia must be as stigmatized here as back home if he’s willing to kill his victims to cover it up. Meaning, I bet if you search his home, you’ll find some particularly revealing pictures of children and other items of that nature hidden on the premises. Individuals like that don’t just start with victims. It’s a long build up of degenerate sexual urges that go unchecked.”
Celestia took a moment to process the information before finally saying what she wanted. “...You’re absolutely certain about this? This is a grave accusation you’re making.”
“The only other possibility I can think of is that it’s one of his superiors that he’s either covering for or couldn’t expose for some reason or another. Either way, he, at the very least, took part in these crimes. Don’t know how old these cases are, but look into all of them if they’re still alive.”
She levitated a blank page over to her desk and began swiftly writing something I couldn’t make out. Once she was done, she rolled it up and it was blinked away in a flash of light.
“30 years,” She finally said.
“Hm?” I cocked my head at her.
“This case has been haunting us for the last 30 years. And you find two prime suspects within an hour.”
I shrugged again. “Helps when you have as much practice as I’ve gotten. It is my dayjob.”
A thought occurred to me upon my explanation of my abilities: it was my dayjob. Now that I had been gone from it for so long, it’s likely they would have fired me by now. Not to mention the fact that the longer I wait, the more likely it is that I would experience major difficulties readjusting to my life back home. If I was gone long enough, I would legally be declared dead and my will I had in place would take into effect, transferring all my former assets to the one recipient of said will. In other words, not only was I a ticking time bomb here, but if I waited too long to get back home, I’d realistically never be able to go back. At least not to a normal life, anyway. What a morbid situation.
She frowned at me. “It’s truly frightening how comfortable you are with subject matters such as these. Are events like this so common in your world that you have all become desensitized to them?”
“I have. That tends to happen in this line of work back home, especially in larger cities.”
She sighed. “I shouldn’t be complaining. Thank you for your help, Franco. It has been monumental with this case.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets. “I take it that wasn’t necessary for my score at all?”
“No. My apologies,” Celestia chuckled. “It was actually because of your score that I requested your aid.” Her horn flared up again as the page spit out from the machine earlier flew into the room, stopping when it got to my eye level. I took the page. “Each question on a G.I. test is worth two points, totaling a score out of 500. You scored a 480.”
“...I’m assuming that’s a good score?”
Her expression turned serious. “It’s the highest score I’ve seen since my mentor, Starswirl. He was the one who helped optimize the test structure over 1000 years ago. Had your temperament been different enough to make you hostile to our land, our ponies… I would not have hesitated to strike you down, or in the best case scenario, turn you into stone with a score like this.”
I… I believe that’s the first time I’ve ever been threatened for doing well on a test. Honestly, at this point I can’t tell if she’s just messing with me or not. “...Then I suppose I’m lucky that my years as a detective made me respect the law.” Speaking of which… “Out of curiosity, what’s the crime rate like in this country?”
“Very low, thankfully.” Her expression remained neutral as she spoke. “Robberies and petty vandalism once every so often are the typical cases the Royal Guard gets called on to resolve. Anomalies like the BXM case you reviewed are exceedingly rare. The last case similar to this occurred nearly 400 years ago now.”
They only get serial killers once every three-and-a-half centuries? I’m both jealous and concerned. I can’t really do my job here if there’s no crime to stop, but I guess I should be happy about it, all things considered. “There was far more work for me back home. It’s good to see that isn’t the case here.”
“Indeed,” she said. A troubled look slowly filled her facial features before she spoke again. “...I’ll be honest, Franco Herman. I’m not sure what to make of you.”
“Beg pardon?” Where did that come from? I know she’s been trying to size me up all day, but why lead with that so suddenly?
“Between the letters I’ve received from my faithful student and our interactions today, I can’t quite piece together exactly what drives your actions. One moment you’re saving Twilight from a blow that could very well have been fatal, and the next you’re actively distancing yourself from her and her friends. You have followed the laws of the land and went out of your way to make sure nopony got hurt when you dealt with the timberwolves, yet your interpersonal behavior borders on being completely asocial. It’s almost as if you’re purposefully trying to get ponies to dislike you.”
She’s far sharper than I gave her credit for. I’ll have to keep my guard up around her. Moreover, just how many letters did Twilight send about me? I wasn’t quite sure what to even say to her in response. She was closer to the truth than I ever would have admitted to anyone.
“Perhaps something happened to you in this war you mentioned partaking in to cause this sort of behavior?” She pushed the subject way too far for my liking while staring at me.
“That- That’s none of your business…” I had thought that, but didn’t want to say it out loud for a variety of reasons. The first and foremost of which being that she was the active ruler of the land that I was technically illegally entering. It was her business to look into me to determine if I was a threat. I knew that. She had to have known that, too. Only problem with that for me was she couldn’t look into me without my help, and I wasn’t ready to talk about that war. Truthfully, I don’t think I ever will be. I could go the rest of my life never seeing, hearing, mentioning, or even thinking about it ever again and that would be the closest to happiness I think I’ll ever get. It is not a memory I’d like to relive, hence why the words flew out of my mouth before I could even stop them. It was a knee-jerk reaction that I, unfortunately, couldn’t control. Not even in front of the Princess.
I saw her frown and immediately expected a lecture, or maybe for her to lash out and demand a reason. She could have just ordered me to talk and I’d be compelled to. What Celestia said instead took me by complete surprise.
“War never tends to be very pleasant, no matter the planet, or culture. I cannot say I blame you for not wanting to talk about it. My apologies, Franco.”
“Uh…” I blinked. I hadn’t expected her to be so understanding. “Thanks.”
She nodded. “Should you ever wish to speak about what troubles you, know that you need only ask and I would be willing to listen. As would my sister, and my student, I’m sure.”
I don’t know why she spoke as though she didn’t know they would. They had already said as much, and with Twilight’s apparent numerous letters to her as well as her sister no doubt communicating her intent, she should have known. Maybe she was just being facetious? Some sort of strange regional dialect maybe? I guess there’s always the possibility that she simply doesn’t communicate with her sister that frequently. What was a little more pressing at the time, was how far these ponies were willing to go to take care of someone that wasn’t their own. There’s no way I’m that important, and Celestia herself even said she’d have no problems killing me should I step out of line, so why?
“Why go so far for me?” I just couldn’t wrap my head around why they cared so much. Just Twilight doing this would have made at least some amount of sense, but why these Princesses? At least Luna seemed like she had an ulterior motive for helping me, but the other two… I get that nightmares are much more of a problem here than back home, but I don’t think it warrants this kind of a response, does it? Were I that much of a threat due to my nightmares, they could just kill me and she knows it. I need to know why.
“I could ask you the same,” she said. Her expression was something I had yet to see from ponies thus far, so it was difficult to make out. Not pained, but esoteric? Melancholic? Celestia is someone that I’ve always had trouble reading, so that didn’t exactly help much. “Why risk life and limb to save others you knew nothing about? You didn’t know whether we’d be hostile, and stood to gain nothing from the encounter upon succeeding.”
“Those wolves attacked me, too. I was simply defending myself. Your student and her friends just so happened to be in the way.” You’re also not answering my question.
Celestia frowned. “Then why pull Twilight out of harm’s way? Surely my student means something to you if you’re willing to keep her safe?”
“More numbers means a higher percent success rate on the battlefield, although I’m fairly certain my intervention was unnecessary in that instance. Your student seems competent enough that she could have handled that attack on her own.” Considering what I’ve seen that girl do in the library, an attack like that seems like it would have been child’s play to deal with in comparison.
Silently, she stared at me for much longer than she needed to. It started off neutral, but as it went on, a grin slowly crept on her face until she finally burst out into laughter. Hearing her suddenly laugh was… unnerving. I had yet to hear it, so at the time, I thought it was some maniacal laughter, as if she finally figured out whatever horrible thing she planned on doing with me.
What in the fuck is going on right now?
She stifled it long enough to begin formulating sentences, “And to think I was worried over nothing!” Celestia laughed a bit more before looking at my no doubt confused face. “I’m sorry, I’m just laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I hadn’t expected you to be such a convincing liar, Franco. No doubt a skill you picked up from your profession.”
...What? “What?” What?
She chuckled. “You seem to care about my student- and potentially those around you- far more than you let on. Why you insist on distancing yourself from others admittedly still eludes me, but I am most certainly relieved that my initial assumptions about you were incorrect.”
There’s over one million words in the English language, and I don’t think I can string any of them together appropriately enough to describe just how fucking lost I am right now. She’s... partially right, but how in the fuck did she come to that conclusion?
Celestia smiled at me, rising from her seat and headed towards the door. She motioned for me to follow her. “I’d like you to stay in Canterlot for the time being, just in case Royal Bastion needs any follow-up examinations from you. Come, I’ll show you to where you’ll be staying in the Palace.”
Confused, dumbstruck, and a little frustrated, I stood there staring at the seat she was using. Getting a mental run-around was so far beyond unexpected from what I had been dealing with thus far that it didn’t even cross my mind as a remote possibility. The only person who had been able to do something like that to me was Liz, my mentor. She’s far better than I at catching criminals, and I daresay she’s the only reason I’m good at my job. Sure, she had some weird ways of training me sometimes, but there’s no doubt in my mind if she were to take this G.I. test I was given, she would have gotten a perfect score. Potentially even higher, were that possible. Liz just had this way with words… It’s almost indescribable how talented she was at weaseling confessions out of people. I remember her getting offers to join the FBI on multiple occasions, but she turned down every single one, though I never figured out why. I owe her a great deal for looking out after me when I was starting out, and I only hope that if I don’t make it back, whatever I leave behind for her is enough to make up for it. Interacting with Celestia, in some strange way, almost makes me feel like I’m talking to her instead. Between their strict-but-caring attitudes, to their regard for the well being of others, even their weird senses of humor… They’re eerily similar. At least now I can understand why Twilight looks up to her.
“Franco?” Celestia pulled my thoughts back to the moment at hand. I don’t know for how long, but she had been staring at me with this worried look on her face. “Are you alright?”
“...Yeah.” I shook off my lingering thoughts as best I could and followed her to the door, taking a brief detour to grab Twilight’s bag I left sitting near the desk. I took one last look at the empty seat on my way out.
The quiet walk with Celestia to my room gave me time to clear my head and admire some of the decor. I wasn’t familiar with architecture, but the design of the Palace definitely had a medieval- or maybe it was feudal?- feel to it. The stones on some of the walls had horse paraphernalia on them, and every so often I’d find a suit of armor sized for a pony displayed down some of the corridors. It was interesting to think that even architecture was somewhat similar to back home. You’d think that some of these buildings and objects would be designed with pony biology in mind, but no. Things like doors still had door knobs instead of something like a latch or those rectangular door handles that they could pull, and don’t even get me started on their kitchens. Literally just miniature, old style kitchens from back home. No idea what the thought process was there.
Celestia led me through quite a number of hallways, passed through a courtyard, and up a flight of stairs in the next wing over before finally stopping at a corridor with two rooms. She looked over at one of the doors and spoke.
“This will be your room for as long as you remain in Canterlot. Apologies for it being so far out of the way; it was one of the only rooms that could accommodate a creature of your height.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine. I appreciate the hospitality.”
She turned back to me and nodded. “Should you have any qualms with accommodations, speak to Twilight so that she may inform the guard. She’ll be using the room across from yours.” Her gaze shifted to the right-sided door, as did mine upon the gesture.
“I won’t.” I wasn’t expecting to have any accommodations at all, so I should be grateful for whatever she’s willing to give. I suppose I also shouldn’t be surprised that the only reason she’s giving me accommodations in the first place is to keep me close to Twilight.
“If that’s the case, then I shall leave you to get some rest. There is another trial of sorts that I’d like to see how you fare against, but that can wait until tomorrow. It will be under my supervision, of course.”
Yeah, definitely doesn’t trust me. Can’t say I blame her. “Very well…? What exactly is this task?”
“You’ll see.” Celestia gave me this coy grin that crept all the way across her face.
“...Right.” Oh yeah, she’s like Liz, alright. Bad cryptic habits and all. And if I know Liz as well as I think, either Celestia’s gonna murder me tomorrow or it’ll be something completely off-the-wall. Maybe even both if she’s feeling particularly adventurous.
“Do try to get some actual rest. My sister tells me you have trouble sleeping at night.” Those were her parting words before she turned around and started walking back from where we came. I didn’t even get the chance to respond to the sentiment- or maybe I should say order? That’s certainly what it felt like.
It’s been a little while since I’ve had these sorts of thoughts, but I find it very… unfortunate that my life turned out the way it did. Had I been brought here even just a few years prior, I have a feeling I would have gotten along pretty well with Celestia and Twilight. This, of course, is excluding the myriad of other events I’d rather not go into detail about. Perhaps I should No. It’s best not to dwell on this sentiment. It will only lead to pain if I do. And if, for whatever reason, my memories suddenly happen to be wiped, those are the sort of things I’d like to stay forgotten.
I went to the door to my room and reached for the doorknob, only to be distracted by the sound of creaking hinges behind me.
“Oh, Franco!” I heard Twilight’s voice as she trotted up behind me.
I swear to Christ, this day is never going to end. If these ponies are trying to wear me down to the bone so that I actually get some sleep later, it’s fucking working.
“Twilight,” I acknowledged, turning around to face her.
“So, how did it go? Is this your score?” She eagerly stared at the page in my hand.
“Hm? Oh, here.” I extended my arm for her to take the page. It was a gesture that, looking back, was probably unnecessary considering she just ended up levitating it out of my hand in front of her.
Twilight gazed at the singular page. Her eyes settled at the top of it and did a double take. She glanced up at me, then back down on it, flipped it over- for some reason? The back of the page was blank- then back around. Finally, she shifted it out of her field of vision and stared at me. The staring continued for an uncomfortable amount of time before she spoke.
“Wow. I knew you were intelligent, but…” The page filled her vision again. “This score is… You scored higher than I did.”
“Oh?” I’m... kinda surprised to hear that, actually. Figured my score would have been close to hers at least, but she’s making it sound like I scored substantially higher than her.
“I scored a 416 when I took mine last year, and I studied relentlessly for it.”
Hm. It almost sounds like she’s… Jealous? There’s no way I’m reading into that right. “I did spend a straight week in your library reading. I believe that would be the equivalent.”
The page levitated back into my hand, revealing her now-frowning face. “Princess Celestia was right. You really do sell yourself short. This score is one of the highest our nation has ever seen. Aren’t you at least somewhat excited about it?”
I hadn’t really put much thought into the score, it was kind of difficult at the time due to… certain circumstances. Now that I could actually focus on it, my thoughts drifted more towards my world’s equivalent: the IQ test. Much unlike this G.I. test, IQ tests were specifically designed to solely measure pattern recognition and nothing more. While it may not be perfect, I believe it’s a much better method at determining pure, raw intelligence over G.I. tests.
The problem with measuring intelligence based on how many facts you know is that older, more experienced individuals would have far more of an advantage in answering whatever question was thrown at them, even more so if that question was about a fact that happened during their lifetime. It would create a massive score variance with individuals over a certain age, as those with higher knowledge retention and pattern recognition will have scores that increase, while others that may have been considered geniuses in their youth could drop to average intelligence or worse- something that doesn’t happen to that extent with IQ tests back home unless you have Alzheimers. Not to mention the variance in troubled individuals taking the test. Depending on the individual’s background, they could either score substantially higher or lower than their peers solely because of quality of life factors that are out of their control. Example: Person A and Person B both have the same IQ, only Person B doesn’t have access to the same amount of information as Person A. Because of this circumstance, despite having roughly the same amount of intelligence, Person A scores significantly higher. Granted, this can happen to an extent with IQ as well with certain environmental factors playing a role in helping develop the score, but I don’t believe they’re as impactful to IQ as to G.I. In the same situation with an IQ test, Person A and Person B’s scores would still be close to identical, especially in an information-driven society like mine. After all, if I can score a 142 on an IQ test with the shitty background I’ve got, some of these environmental factors clearly can’t be that impactful. What I’m seeing with this is that a G.I. test is more a determiner of wisdom, while an IQ test is an actual measure of intelligence. A small, yet extremely important difference.
A part of me would have liked to classify this test closer to an SAT or CSAT, but there were far too many questions regarding pattern recognition to warrant that comparison. It’s kinda like the G.I. test is a mixture between an IQ test and an SAT, so it ends up getting the problems that both the others have without many of the advantages. I guess that should be expected when the last pony to make substantial changes to the test was from a time period without indoor plumbing. If they intend to be more accurate with determining intelligence in the future, they should probably split it up.
“Not particularly.” I shrugged. Mentally comparing and contrasting the two tests solidified my feelings. I saw no merit in scoring highly on this considering I inadvertently prepared for it during the last week. Had this been a case, I would have been given far less time and expected to do better. You don’t really have a lot of room to make mistakes as a detective.
“You-” Twilight seemed taken aback. “Why not? It’s an amazing score!”
I shrugged again, sliding Twilight’s supplies off my shoulder in the process. I extended my arm for her to take them, and aimed to change the subject. “Why did you even give me all this stuff anyway? You knew the test was scantron, there was no way I was going to use anywhere near all of it.”
She frowned, and levitated the bags back into her room, an option I’m not entirely sure why she didn’t take when packing them in the first place. “I really don’t get you…” She muttered.
Good. At least I’m doing something right. I was about to turn back around and go through the door again before she piped up.
“Hey,” Twilight started. “Why didn’t you say anything about your sleeping arrangements?”
“What?”
“Princess Luna mentioned you were having a hard time sleeping. You could have told me, I would have brought you some more pillows or something…” She had this worried, almost guilt-ridden look spread across her face.
That bitch blabbed. I have a right mind to just not sleep out of spite now. “Don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with you.”
“Then what is it about?”
“None of your damn business.” Her constant prodding into my life was starting to get on my nerves. Take the fucking hint, Sherlock. I don’t wanna talk about this. Not now, not ever.
She gave a frown. “Franco, I just want to help you. I ca-”
Oh no, that’s not working on me again. “I don’t want your help!” I saw her immediately shrink down into the floor upon the increased volume of voice, and figured I should probably tone it down a little. “Just… Just leave me alone.”
I finally managed to enter the room I was given and immediately closed the door behind me. Unfortunately, my survey of said room was interrupted almost as soon as I entered as I heard a light knocking at the door. I sighed, turned around, and opened the door again.
“What?” You’re not very good at following directions, are you?
Twilight, with an expression that looked so innocent that she must have been faking it, simply asked, “Can we at least go out to celebrate your score?”
I just stared at her, unmoving.
“I, uh- I know this great donut shop on the edge of Restaurant Row. I just thought maybe you’d like something to eat?” She gave me a sheepish grin as she rubbed the back of her neck with one of her front hooves.
Oh, so she wants donuts. Come to think of it, I haven’t had anything all day, have I?
“I’ll even Pinkie Promise to not ask about your nightmares for the rest of the night, if it makes you feel more comfortable,” she added.
I’m sure I gave her a confused look. “I- I don’t know what that-”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-” She went through these bizarre series of hoof movements, culminating in her hoof getting jammed into her eye. “Agh! Every time… Why…?”
What in the hell is wrong with this girl? I sighed. “Fine, just stop hitting yourself in the face.” The last thing I want to do is explain to Celestia why her student suddenly has a black eye when we’re supposed to be the only two in this hall.
Twilight blinked a couple of times before looking back up to smile at me. “Come on, you’ll love it.”
The two of us made our way out of the corridor, with Twilight effortlessly maneuvering around the curves and turns of the palace walls to guide us to the entrance. Once out onto the streets of Canterlot, I was finally able to clearly see the sun had set, and night was slowly overtaking the city. Apparently, ponies weren’t as willing to be out and about during the night as opposed to the day. It might have just been due to us going to a corner of the restaurant district that was presumably not as busy, but it appeared as though Canterlot didn’t have much of a nightlife. Perhaps it has something to do with them having a Princess that watches over their dreams? Either way, the lack of ponies made our walk to this donut shop rather peaceful. I figured that if I was going to explore more of this city, then around this time every day would be a good time to do it.
We got to Twilight’s donut shop in question, a small little diner named Donuts and Joe. Seeing them use some of the same slang we use felt like I was having some strange, out-of-body experience. I would have questioned how the slang for coffee originated here, but truthfully I don’t remember how it originated back home, so it’s not like I’d have any real comparison. It is very strange seeing so much of my culture- even the slang- align here, though.
Twilight immediately beelined over to a seat in front of the counter and motioned for me to sit next to her. I followed and sat down the best I could at the affixed seat, leaving a singular seat gap between us.
An earth pony walked out from the kitchen. I could tell he was male from his voice, and he had a light brown coat with a dark brown mane. “Well, if it isn’t little Twily. How-” He stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing me, looking something akin to a deer in headlights.
“Joe, this is Franco,” Twilight picked up the conversation. “He’s new. I’ve been showing him around.”
Yeah, only because your Princess ordered you to keep an eye on me.
“Y-yeah… So I, uh- so I gathered.” His voice was apprehensive, and he looked positively terrified. Truthfully, I found his response rather refreshing. All the rest of this species I had met thus far had pretty unreasonable reactions to my presence in their society. Between the citizens of Ponyville just blindly accepting me walking around, to the ponies of Canterlot going well out of their way to ham up their disgust, seeing him act- well, human offered me some strange sense of comfort.
I suppose the least I can do is try to assuage his fears. “If it’s any consolation, I have no intent of harming you.”
“Uh…” He stared at me for far longer than he had to. “Right. Thanks, I guess?”
“Sorry for the startle, Joe. I probably should have warned you first.” Twilight gave an apologetic look to the shopkeep.
Joe turned back over to her, a smile slowly forming on his face once more. “Thought I’d be used to the kind of trouble you get into by now, kid. Don’t worry about it. If you’re vouching for him, I’m sure he’s fine. So, you want the usual?”
She smiled and nodded. “Please.”
“And, uh- Franco, yeah?” His gaze met mine again. “You want a menu since it’s your first time?”
Right now, I do not have the patience for that. “No need. Whatever she’s ordering will suffice.”
“A second order, please Joe.”
“You got it, kid. I’ll have it out for ya in a jiffy.” The shopkeep took one last concerned look at me before heading back into what I assume is the kitchen.
I made sure to take a brief look around the shop for emergency exits and anything particularly suspicious. Old habits I intend to keep around for a while longer. They can be quite useful, especially in situations like the one I currently find myself in. The aesthetic of the shop was very much a ‘90s diner vibe, something that died out decades ago back home. In general, diners back home are a dying industry, actually. In the current digitized age, trusted brand recognition and reputation mean everything. If anything goes wrong with a particular business, they’ll get bombarded with negative reviews and press in a matter of seconds. Because of this, small-time business owners have less and less incentive to start a business like a restaurant due to the high amount of risk with minimal rewards. One of the many unfortunate byproducts of the internet’s utility that’s been around far longer than I think any of us humans care to admit.
Back on topic, once I was sure Joe was out of earshot, I decided to ask Twilight a quick clarification question. “You come from this city, don’t you?”
She looked up at me. “Yeah. Is it that obvious?”
“You’ve seemingly memorized the interior layout of the Palace, know about obscure restaurants in town, and tried to profusely apologize on behalf of the citizenry. I’d have been genuinely surprised if you didn’t at least grow up here.”
“Pretty perceptive.” Twilight nodded briefly before continuing. “What about you? Where are you from?”
I massaged my temple. Why did I even ask that? I knew the most probable outcome to that question would lead here. Stupid. Fucking exhaustion is ruining my judgment. “Big city. Similar to this one but larger.”
“Really?” She perked up in her seat. “About how much larger would you estimate?”
“Population count here?”
“Canterlot has a population of roughly 480,000 ponies currently residing within the city.” Her mannerisms after she spoke led me to believe she normally wore glasses, but her daily routine indicates otherwise. I think she just gets like that when she’s analytical.
“Then my city is over 16 times larger in terms of population density. Spans over a wider area, too.”
Twilight blinked. “Y-your population count is 8,000,000?”
I nodded. “Give or take a few thousand.”
“Th-that’s nuts! How can you even support that many of your species in one area?”
“You’d be surprised. I’ve been to some cities that have double and in some cases even triple our population count. Also the population of my country isn’t evenly distributed. Where the eastern and western coastlines have metropolitan cities with an absurd amount of people in them, the vast majority of the middle of the country is farmland and desert. Our agriculture and infrastructure are just advanced enough to overproduce food in those areas, distribute it out across the country, then trade the excess internationally.”
She slowly nodded in understanding. “It’s hard to believe your species managed to get so far without the usage of any magic. Kinda makes me think we rely too much on it here in Equestria...”
“It’s for the best that we humans don’t have access to something like magic.”
“What?” She gave me a quizzical look. “Why?”
“Over 10,000.”
“Huh?”
“The amount of wars my species has had collectively. It’s well over 10,000, some even speculate it to be over 200,000 depending on how you define it. That level of bloodshed so frequently would have resulted in the eradication of our species a long time ago if we had the ability to use magic.” Honestly, it probably wasn’t a good idea to tell her this, especially not in a public area, but considering how far she was going to look out for someone like me… The least I could do was not lie to her, I figured. Well, that and I was so exhausted I was starting to lose my normal filter. May have been more the fault of the latter in hindsight.
“But I thought you told Princess Celestia you didn’t know how many wars your species had…?”
“I lied.”
Twilight’s face slowly fell, first into a frown, then a scowl. “You WHAT?!”
I was taken aback by her sudden outburst. I had yet to witness her get angry, so experiencing it so suddenly firsthand was a bit of a shock. At the time I was also pretty surprised that this is what finally tipped her over the edge with me, and not the countless times I tried to brush her off before, or the constant push away from my personal life, or doubting her altruistic nature. The one thing I try to do in good faith for her, and I somehow get the result I wanted before. How ironic.
“How could you lie to the Princess?!”
I guess now would probably be a bad time to mention I tried to lie to Luna, too… “If it’s any consolation, it was only a partial lie. I don’t know the exact number, nor does the rest of my species.”
“That doesn’t make it okay to lie to Princess Celestia! What would you have done if she seriously exiled you out of the country?”
Did she not notice? “I imagine more of what I was doing the first day I got here. Besides, neither she nor her sister had any intention of deporting me. That much is clear.” It was easier to say that now that Celestia wasn’t trying to intimidate me into saying something particularly incriminating. It also helps that they practically admitted as much, though I should have suspected that was the case since they didn’t immediately want to do anything about my presence here until now.
“You don’t know that!”
Huh. Either she’s allowing worry to cloud her judgment, or she really didn’t notice. “If she seriously wanted me out, she knew where I was prior to coming here. She could have simply come to the library personally and exiled me out on the spot, but she didn’t. Instead she waited a week and summoned me here, expecting me to abide by the call. Even had me look over that BXM nonsense for her. Those aren’t the actions of someone who wants me out, Twilight.”
“I gu-” She stopped herself short for a moment, “Wait, ‘BXM’? As in ‘the most infamous case of the last generation’ BXM? The one where the monster who killed 8 ponies got away with it because they were never found? That BXM?”
“9. And yes, she had me look over it.”
“What do you mean ‘9’?” Twilight’s questioning gaze occupied my attention until-
“Well, don’t keep us in suspense.” Joe had walked back out with Twilight’s orders and placed them on the bar in front of us. He hadn’t been there for more than a few seconds, so either he caught the back end of what Twilight was saying and pieced together what we were talking about, or- more likely- he was eavesdropping.
I gave him an annoyed stare before continuing. “One of the victims was in the early stages of pregnancy, thus the total body count should be 9, no?”
It seems like they both leaned in closer to me as Twilight started, “Weren’t all the victims in the BXM case underage? You aren’t seriously suggesting…”
“The autopsy report confirmed as much.”
“Th-that’s horrible…” The utterly horrified look on Twilight’s face made me immediately regret telling her about this. I know she said she was pretty young, but apparently she was just as naive as well.
“Franco, right?” The shopkeep didn’t even give me time to confirm before following up. “At least tell us you caught this monster. Ain’t right for the victims’ families to go this long without justice.”
“If criminal proceedings here are even remotely similar to back home, then I don’t believe I’m at liberty to say that much. All I can say is that I’ve indicated the possibility of a prime suspect and at least one secondary suspect, and that they’re being investigated as we speak.” Well, one of them is, anyway. I don’t know if any of Virtuous Breeze’s superiors are alive, considering how long this case has gone cold.
Joe nodded slowly, signifying what I assumed to be his understanding. “I’ll be honest, Franco, I dunno how you keep a straight face when talking about that. You musta seen some serious stuff way worse than that back home, yeah?”
Both Twilight and Joe looked at me expectantly for an answer. “...I have.”
“Seriously?” Joe frowned. “How could it possibly get worse than that?”
Why would you even ask me that question in the first place if you weren’t going to believe the answer I gave? And here I thought I got stupid when I was tired. “If you can’t handle even hearing about this killer with a stupid name, then you wouldn’t be able to handle most of the cases I’ve solved over the years.”
“Oh yeah? Try me.” Apparently he was the indignant type. Not as bad as that stupid blue horse, thankfully, but still annoying.
I took a quick glance at Twilight who must have been staring at me for a while with what I could only interpret as morbid curiosity plastered all over her face. Fine then. Maybe if I give him a taste, he’ll stop eavesdropping on my conversations. “Very well,” I sighed, and began recanting my tale of one Jeremy Ortega, a serial killer that got started back in 2040. Quite the bloodthirsty bastard, as he would typically beat his victims repeatedly over a long period of time before finally killing them. It wasn’t long after I joined the force, maybe 6 months, give or take a few weeks. Liz and I got called to a fairly quiet spot in LA- well, quiet relative to the heart of the city, anyway. There were still quite a number of witnesses describing the guy near the area, so it was still populated enough for people to not notice a few random bystanders they come across go missing. Liz knew the area fairly well, and we started scouring the neighborhood for older, uninhabited places as those were the most likely hiding spots he’d be in. Within the third dilapidated house we checked, we managed to find him. Caught him right in the act, no less. Beating some poor girl he tied up senseless, then taking her as a hostage once we got inside. We had a standoff, and once it was over, we managed to get the girl to safety, although she was unfortunately traumatized for a quite a while after the event.
I didn’t tell them this part, but Ortega held the girl hostage with a knife in his right hand, gripping her with his left as both Liz and I ordered him repeatedly to let the girl go and surrender. I decided I could probably end the conflict if I could just cripple him enough to drop the knife, so I shot him. I aimed at his shoulder, but I missed, and ended up shooting him in the throat instead. He bled out right then and there. I killed him. I suppose this also makes me a bad person, but I don’t regret it either. That monster that has no right being called human killed at least a dozen people before we got to him, and was about to make his body count one higher before I intervened. I understand taking the law into your own hands is a dangerous road to travel, but what other choice did I have? Allow him to live long enough to take yet another life? In hindsight, perhaps I was simply making excuses to cope with the fact that I ended someone else. Little did I know those same sentiments would come in handy for me years later.
“I- I think I might be sick…” Joe stumbled over a bit and looked around near the ground, presumably for a trash can.
Twilight, on the other hand just sat there, a much paler tint of lavender than she normally is with this blank look on her face.
Hm. I guess even that one was too much for them to handle. That wasn’t even the worst case I had to deal with, either. I reached for one of the drinks Joe brought to the table and started sipping away at it. Coffee. My lifeblood on numerous occasions as a detective. And, to his credit, Joe made a pretty damn good cup, though I’d never say that to his face with how indignant he is.
“No wonder…” I heard Twilight mumble. “Sorry about before, Franco. I didn’t know you were dealing with…”
Believe me Twilight, you’re barely scraping the surface of the shit I’ve had to deal with. “There are quite a number of good reasons I don’t speak of myself or my endeavors. That was merely one of them.”
Silently she stared at me, a concerned look governing her gaze. Maybe now she’ll stop asking about me so often.
Most of the rest of our time at the shop was spent in silence as we ate. Within a matter of maybe a couple minutes, I managed to create this miasma of an atmosphere in the donut shop. Twilight hardly spoke at all, minus a few short affirmations every here and there. That bombastic shopkeep was unusually quiet up until we got up to leave, to which he sent us off with a simple farewell. Even once we started walking down the street we came in on, Twilight didn’t talk.
She must be taking this way harder than I thought. I guess ponies don’t exactly have the constitution to deal with serial killers. Then again, most humans don’t, either. Perhaps I should… “...You alright?” I finally asked after maybe half the distance to the Palace was left.
“Am I alright?!” Almost instantaneously, her head tilted up to look at me. I could see tears begin to form at the corners of her eyes. “What about you? How long have you been dealing with horrible things like that?!”
“If you’re asking me how long I’ve had my job, it’s been 7 years. Would’ve been 8 in a few months, actually.” And, strangely enough, most of my trauma came from outside of my job.
“Franco, that’s…” Twilight promptly plopped down on the ground to sit. “How do you even manage to…?” She trailed off, whatever she wanted to ask just wouldn’t come out, it seemed.
Honestly, I was a little surprised at how hard she was taking it. I expected there to be at least some form of this reaction, but not to this extent. I figured someone with a history of combat would be able to steel themselves appropriately for stories that one could consider to be traumatizing. Miraculously, Twilight apparently doesn’t have this skill. How she’s seen enough combat to be considered a hero amongst her people and not be able to at least suppress whatever trauma she comes across was absolutely baffling to me. It was at this point I began to realize that this nation’s standards for heroes were probably way lower than back home.
“I have no idea why you’re taking this so hard. It’s not like you were the one dealing with my job in my stead.” Perhaps maybe I was being a little too apathetic here, but I still feel it was a good point to make. How does that old saying go? “Don’t weep for the stupid, you’ll be crying all day”? Same thing applies here, although I think I’d be hard-pressed to call myself an idiot.
“Why won’t you just let me help you?!” She had stood back up, stomping one of her front hooves on the ground. “I can’t… I can’t just let you suffer like that all alone… Please… Let me help…”
So these are the sorts of things Twilight just can’t let go, huh? In hindsight, I think it was a good call to withhold a bunch of information about my world from Twilight. I genuinely don’t believe she’d be able to handle hearing about the suffering that my species has not only endured, but inflicted as well. That much purity is apparently a double-edged sword, one that she has yet to learn how to properly wield.
“...I don’t really believe you can help me, Twilight.” Brutal, almost malicious honesty can be extremely effective in distancing yourself from others. The expectation I had was that if I used enough of it, Twilight would likely back down on her advances to help, and she could go back to her happy little village where the worst thing she’d have to worry about is library maintenance and maybe a little adventure or two so that I could go about my business unabated. Maybe even find my way back home, given time. Unfortunately, Twilight isn’t like most others I’ve come across.
“I do. Even if it turns out I can’t, I have to try, at least. I can’t just sit back and watch as other creatures around me suffer.”
“Look, if this is supposed to be reconciliation for pulling you away from that timberwolf’s strike, then you’re wasting your time. I only pulled you out of harm’s way to increase my chances of survival in that fight. Had I thought you were a detriment, I would have allowed you to get hit.”
She gave me an angry frown. “I know that’s a lie. If you were that callous, you would have just ran from the timberwolf after we started fighting it. We gave you plenty of opportunities to.”
Shit. Of course she picks now of all times to start acting like her mentor.
“I’m not doing this because you saved me. I’m doing this because there’s a good pon- eh, person- in there that’s been so desperate for help that they don’t think they could ever get better.” Her facial expression lightened up, “I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, but I can’t let you do this to yourself. I just… I just thought you needed a friend.”
“...Anyone ever tell you you’re far too nosey for your own good?” I turned away from her. It was all I could do to keep her from seeing… Well, that’s not important.
I could hear her trying to suppress her nervous laughter. “Maybe once or twice…?”
“...Twilight?”
“Yes?”
“I still think you’re wasting your time on me, but… Thank you.” It’s the most anyone’s looked out for me in what feels like ages.
“Anytime, Franco.” I could practically feel her smile burn through the back of my head. It was far more than I deserved
The next morning started like any other. I awoke far earlier than I should have, in no small part because I didn’t want that night Princess rummaging through my thoughts at her leisure. Especially so since she apparently decides to divulge extremely personal information at the drop of a hat. Had it not been for the fact that she was a Princess, she would most definitely have been fired for such behavior back home. As a matter of fact, even if she was a Princess back home, she would have been at least reprimanded by whatever the governing body was for said hypothetical nation in question. Checks and Balances are the best system of government for a reason. Prevents stupid bullshit like this from happening in the first place, and even gives solid options for cleaning up a mess like that after the fact.
At any rate, the rest of my morning was fairly typical. Well, typical for someone residing in a palace, at the very least. It was quite strange, trying to adjust to accommodations that would have been so far above my means back home. Detectives aren’t exactly six figure earners, and it’s not really even a respected position either. You would think that a job that’s crucial for ensuring the safety of the citizens around you would at least give better benefits or something. Now that I had been away from the position for long enough, I was able to take a step back to really weigh the pros and cons of being a detective in the first place, and the only question that kept getting brought up in my head was “Why on Earth did Liz refuse the FBI so many times?” Being a part of the FBI couldn’t possibly be that much worse from being a detective for the LAPD in terms of the quality of cases that you’d come across, and I very much doubted the possibility that she wouldn’t have been able to handle the workload, so why? Why refuse them so vehemently? She must have had some reason… I suppose mulling over questions I’ll never get the answer to is a waste of my time. Really should have asked her about this years ago.
I happened to stumble across some books that were kept in the room, so to pass the time and help keep my mind off some things, I decided to skim over them. I half expected them to be some sort of religious text, as hotels and motels back home were very notorious for putting such texts in every room they rented out. Instead, they turned out to be some history textbooks covering all sorts of periods from Equestria’s history. In this context, I suppose in some strange way it’s basically the equivalent. From what I was able to skim, the one book I read covered a brief period right before the founding of the nation, detailing some of the endeavors of someone named Clover the Clever. Apparently true to his name, Clover found himself in quite a number of dangerous situations that he always managed to just barely scrape his way through. Honestly, the only thing this book was missing was having Clover occasionally say “Your next line will be…” That was the sort of feel I got from the guy. Not sure if that was just this author embellishing him up or not, though. Typically historical accounts are filled with bias anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise me if someone who really liked this guy wanted to stroke his long-since-dead ego.
My light reading was interrupted by a few hard knocks on the door. Uncharacteristic of Twilight, whose knocks were far lighter by comparison, so I could safely conclude that this was definitely someone else. Without any peephole on the door, I apprehensively opened it to reveal some pony I’d never seen adorned in some sparse golden armor. He was white, much like most of the rest of the guard I’d seen thus far, with blue hair and some strange purple star adorned his chestplate.
“Princess Celestia requests your presence.”
I’m curious as to what she wants of me. Since she asked so casually, one would assume it’s not important, but then again, she tried to disguise a cold case as a portion of a test, so I really don’t know what to expect here. I moved through the door, closing it behind me as I stepped near the guard. I expected him to lead the way to where Celestia wanted me, but he just stood there staring at me.
Not really sure what you’re waiting for, dude.
He stared up at me for far longer than anyone should, especially considering how little I know of him. He stood for what felt like an age before finally speaking again.
“I see…” He nodded, not at me necessarily, more like in my general direction. “I was told you dispatched an entire pack of timberwolves by yourself. Now I think I see why.”
Well that’s a first. I don’t believe I’ve ever been praised for slaughtering some woodland creatures before. Was that even praise, actually?
“Tall, fairly large frame that you clearly know how to use to your advantage. Think you’d be willing to spar with me sometime? I could use the practice against larger opponents, and it never hurts to be too prepared.”
His question caught me off-guard. So far, he was the only one actively showing an interest in combat. Usually, most of the questions I had gotten up until this point were either nonsensical small talk or unbelievably naive. This one must be an exception. He’s probably high up on his military ladder for it.
I had made it down the hall, and just as I was about to make a left, the guard started walking over near me. “Princess Celestia’s study isn’t that way, y’know.”
I tried to contain my sigh to no avail as I stopped in my tracks. I turned around to find the guard a little bit ahead of me down the other direction, waiting for me to walk over to him. Grudgingly, I obliged, now following him as we moved through the corridors. Unfortunately my compliance with his request didn’t stop him from trying to engage in pointless small talk.
“Don’t really talk much, huh?” He took my silence as an answer and continued. “I get it. I think if I were in your position, I’d be pretty anxious, too. Can’t say I blame you for being a little on edge.”
You don’t even know half of it.
“By the way, since I have the chance to say it now…” He stopped in his tracks, forcing me to do the same. He dipped his head towards me, “Thanks for saving my sister.”
“...?” What? His sister?
He looked up and must’ve seen my confusion. “Oh! Sorry, I guess I should properly introduce myself before saying stuff like that. I’m Shining Armor, Twilight’s brother.”
At this point I vaguely remember Twilight mentioning that she had a sibling, but I don’t think I paid much attention when she started trying to name all her family to me. The only thing I got out of that conversation was that her and that dragon viewed each other as brother and sister and that she had one more sibling, too. Didn’t know who it was until now. Actually, thinking back, they might have told me all the way back then, I probably just didn’t care.
I guess this would partially explain Twilight’s neurotic organizational skills. Probably something she picked up in part from him, if their military trains their troops the same way mine did to me.
“She’s taken quite a liking to you from the sound of it. Thanks for looking out for her when I couldn’t.”
I’m… kinda surprised. I half expected him to be overprotective and threaten me the same way Celestia did. “...You’re probably not giving your sister enough credit. Pretty sure she could’ve handled herself without my help.”
“If I know my sister as well as I think?” he smiled. “Yeah, probably. Still, you put yourself in harm’s way to help out not just my sister, but Ponyville, too. That’s worth something, right?”
“If you insist it is,” I shrugged. From the sound of things, I am nearly 100% certain that Twilight and her friends could have cleaned up that whole mess without me. If everyone can do the same thing you can, it doesn’t really feel like that much of an accomplishment even if you manage to pull something like that off, does it? Besides, I did the equivalent all the time back home, and never once received thanks for it. What sense is there in accepting praise for such things now?
“Wow. I’m not sure whether to be impressed or completely terrified by that shrug.”
“...Hm?” Alright, not really sure how to read this one yet. He’s either too perceptive for his own good, or a weirdo. Quite possibly both. High perception usually leads to a combination of both.
“If you’re willing to shrug off an accomplishment like that, your home must be filled with worse creatures than timberwolves to deal with.”
I might have laughed at that once. “In a sense, you aren’t wrong. One could argue that I hunt creatures like that for a living.”
I could see him gawk at me long enough to nearly walk into the wall now in front of him. Fortunately for him, he stopped in enough time to avoid that outcome. “Okay, now we need to spar. I can’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
...He knows I’m speaking in hyperbole, right? I also can’t tell whether that’s bloodlust or he’s just really competitive. It actually could have been both had his country been at war. Either way this is a change of pace suited to me much more than simply farm work or random village errands. It’s also a pretty good training opportunity for me, as well. Staying sharp on the field of battle seems like it’ll be a necessity for as long as I’m here. I suppose I should accept.
“Shining Armor, was it?”
He simply nodded his response, finally moving away from the wall he nearly walked into.
“I’ll accept your offer. Tell me a time and place, and we can spar.”
He beamed up at me, clearly excited from my answer. “How about after you’re done with the task the Princess has planned for you today?”
“I guess that depends on what Celestia’s planning,” I shrugged.
He continued to walk down the corridor with me not too far behind him. “That you’ll have to see for yourself, from what I was told.”
So either he doesn’t know, or he’s not at liberty to say. Damn. Well, it was worth a shot, at least.
I nodded my response as we ventured forth. The corridors in the palace were long and unnecessarily convoluted. It wouldn’t be so bad if they had something like street names to label them, but you could only really go off of landmarks, which wasn’t always reliable as there were some hallways that either had nothing in them, or the exact same things in them in the exact same places. My sense of direction is decent with extremely limited information, and obviously better when I have more time to prepare, but this place was just an absolute nightmare to navigate. Makes me feel like a rat in a cardboard labyrinth.
Despite the obviously terrible time trying to memorize some of the layout of the palace on the way, the walk over wasn’t that bad. Tedious, sure, but we made it to the intended destination within a few minutes. Said destination was something like a study room with a decent amount of bookshelves lining the place along with a couple of tables with chairs set up around them. Upon our arrival to the room, Celestia could very easily be seen sitting at one of the aforementioned tables, craning her head down to read a book. A cup of tea was currently suspended in the air near her face, her horn glowing a light golden color to indicate that it was her magic performing the task.
She glanced over at us after we walked in through the door. We had made a decent amount of noise, so I would have been surprised had she not heard us.
“Ah, right on time.” A smirk was plastered all over her face as she greeted us. I surmised this was her way of baiting people into stupid conversations, which I’m usually rarely in the mood for.
If you think I’m gonna fall for that, you’re dead wrong.
I had stayed quiet, but apparently Shining Armor either hasn’t had this pulled on him enough to catch on, or he just likes stupid conversations. “Princess, pardon me if I’m mistaken, but I don’t believe you gave me a timeframe in which I had to bring Franco over…”
“Oh?” I could see a sly grin form on her face for a brief second before completely shifting to a more neutral expression. “Are you saying I’m mistaken, Captain?”
“Wha-? No! I-” Shining Armor stumbled over himself so frequently in such a short timeframe, I would have mistaken him for being drunk had I not known better. Also, apparently there was a third correct option to him taking the bait: him being an idiot.
I can’t believe he fell for that. Either he’s screwing around or the bar for becoming Captain amongst their ranks is so low that it’s buried into the ground. I rolled my eyes. “I would hope you didn’t bring me all the way here just to make me watch you mess with him.”
Her smile returned, this time directed at me. “And this is why I think you’ll do wonderfully with the task at hoof today.”
A confused Shining Armor stood there dumbfounded as she levitated the book from the table that she was reading over to me. Scanning the cover of the book, I noticed it was a law book. If I recall correctly, the title was “Equestrian Revised Statutes MCXXIII Ed.”
“You may very well not end up needing or even using it, but everypony else that has attempted to do this job said that it was helpful to have.” Her horn stopped glowing after she saw me take the book.
“And what exactly is it you want me to do?”
“I would like to see how you fare with being a Hearing Analyst at a Royal Hearing.”
Considering I had absolutely no fucking clue was a Royal Hearing was, the significance of her request was lost to me, but not to Shining who had snapped upright when he heard it.
“Y-your Highness, are you sure about this? Asking him to do a Royal Hearing might be a bit too much...”
“I disagree.” She had apparently decided to stop fucking around with him, as her answers became far more direct. “Actually, I believe he may very well be overqualified for this position. Besides, it’s not like he’d be alone in there.”
“I don’t have any idea what either of you are talking about.”
Shining gave a concerned stare as Celestia continued. “A Royal Hearing is a court proceeding upon which Royal Council members bring forth issues presented by the ponies they represent. The job I ask you to do is what’s known as a Hearing Analyst. It requires that you listen to the complaints brought forth and determine a suitable method for dealing with such grievances.”
I can’t really tell what she’s getting at here, but if she can read me as well as I think, she probably wants to know how much of the facade that I put up is fake. Isn’t this a bad test for that? I can just deliberately give bad answers more frequently than good ones and she shouldn’t be able to tell the difference, right? ...No, hold on, she already knows of the facade I put up, why would she check to see how much of it is fake? If she’s not doing it for that, then why put me through this? Is she really just looking to have me fill this position? Either way, the answer should be the same: give bad answers more than good ones and I don’t have to bother with it anymore. I am not here to be her courtroom lapdog. I have far too many high profile cases solved to be wasting my time on nonsense like this.
“...And why choose me for this, exactly? What makes you think I want a position like this?”
“Oh, I have a feeling you’ll hate the position. Most ponies that attempt to take the job do.” She smiled the most shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen plastered on her face. “But if you really want to know the reason I’m assigning this job to you, then I’ll tell you after you’re done with the Hearing today. Assuming you perform up to the standard you’re capable of, of course.”
Huh. So that’s how that feels. Being on the receiving end of such tactics is not a welcome change of pace, I can say that much for certain.
“Okay…?” I sighed.
Getting the mental run-around again was about as pleasant as I’d expected. Especially from the same person twice in two days. Celestia is more like Liz than I initially suspected. This mentality that drives them to this specific behavior must be prevalent in everyone that has the capacity for being a leader, apparently. They act so eerily similar that had I just been listening to the orders they give those under them, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. I would like to say it made me feel at home, but honestly? It’s really creepy.
“Feel free to review the ERS Codes before we head in, if you like. You can also bring the book in with you, if you think it will help. The proceedings begin in roughly twenty minutes.”
With that, she sat down on a nearby cushion and continued sipping on her tea, leaving Shining and I standing there basically completely dumbstruck, although for mostly different reasons. Everything that she does just always seems to go at her pace, with her in complete control over the situation at hand every time. Yet another quality she and Liz share. It really didn’t surprise me that she was able to be ruler for supposedly as long I’ve been told she has.
Figuring I’d probably need to brush up on some of the fundamentals of Equestrian Law, I opened the book to read whatever I could before I had to go in with her. I had a bad feeling it wasn’t going to go well, and getting whatever extra preparation I could get would most certainly help.
Celestia and I walked through the corridor leading into the Hearing Room for my first session. Said corridor seemed a bit fancier than the rest of the halls I’d been traversing up till this point, being decorated with a bit more gold and it looked far more spacious, so I assumed it was really only meant for Royalty or someone with a closely related status. While on the way, she decided to strike up a conversation.
“Truthfully, I am a bit surprised you’re so willing to go along with this, Franco. I expected far more resistance to the notion that you’d be helping the public, given your peculiarities.”
Ah, so this was a test about my facade. Why would she even want to know that? What does she gain from that information?
“Do I even have a right to refuse, given that I’m not a citizen and presumably subject to deportation at any time?” Deflection, especially deflection to other valid points, is probably the best way to tackle this. I can’t just let her control every single conversation we have.
“Come now, Franco. Surely you’ve pieced together that I don’t have any intention of deporting you by now. I cannot.” A strange frown I’d not seen from her before adorned her face. It was like… frustration, I think? It’s extremely difficult to read her, even when she’s displaying the appropriate tells.
She… can’t? What? I knew she didn’t have any intention of deporting me, but she should have more than enough ability to do so at any given moment, so... “Why not?” This was a bad question, looking back. To this day, I’m still really not sure why I even asked it. Any amount of extra thought would have told me why, but I just didn’t see it at the time. Even if I didn’t see the answer, the implication of asking such a question in the first place isn’t good no matter how you spin it.
“Because,” her voice was scathing, and an uncharacteristic scowl replaced her previous frown. “Given your current mental state, the only thing preventing your nightmares from corrupting you into a monster or breaking out of your head and running amok is your inability to use magic. Should you suddenly gain this ability, what would happen?”
“Uh…” I was speechless. I had yet to see her angry, and I would wager that she probably doesn’t get angry often, if at all with the way I’ve seen other ponies practically worship her. Even I started to get a little nervous after this display.
“Utter chaos at best. At worst, it becomes a threat to this nation. My nation. All over problems that you refuse to seek help with or talk with anyone about.” She had been taking steps closer to me every time she emphasized something, leaving me no choice but to follow in kind and slowly take steps back. It was a good thing this corridor was wider than the others, otherwise I would both figuratively and literally have my back against the wall at this point.
“I will not see this nation threatened by problems that I can fix ever again,” she continued. “You may have been able to do this to yourself without any trouble in your world, but not here. Things work differently here, and I will not have you be a hazard to everyone and everything around you just because of the position you’re in.”
I didn’t say anything. What could I even say to that? Honestly, this is the kind of treatment I was expecting when I got here, so I’m really not surprised it ended up happening. What I was surprised about was all this pent up frustration she was harboring for me, especially without any clear indication that she felt that way prior to this conversation.
She sighed, finally calming down for a second. “Make no mistake, I understand that you are not here of your own accord. Forcing unwanted change upon you isn’t exactly fair, and had I the ability to send you home, I most certainly would. Unfortunately I do not, and leaving you as you are is liable to start problems that not even Twilight and her friends could get under control. I was not exaggerating in the slightest yesterday when I told you that you could be a serious threat to my nation and its populace.”
Why was she suddenly so angry with me? That can’t all be from me, can it? “...And were I not able to change? What then?”
She became silent for a bit, her face becoming quite grim as she finally spoke. “...I suppose I’d have no other option but to kill you.”
…
“However, I would hope it never comes to that. What I do not understand is why you insist upon gripping this darkness in your heart and never letting go. What happened to you, Franco?”
Were it so easy to talk about something like that. Even if I wanted to tell her, I couldn’t. Just remembering it is bad enough. How could I tell her- anyone for that matter- about that day? I… can’t. She was seeking the impossible while threatening to kill me if I didn’t deliver.
“...If you really want me to do this Hearing thing, then I can’t answer that now.”
It seemed like her expression softened a little bit. “Very well, but I expect to hear about at least some of your troubles after this Hearing is over.”
“If you insist.” I sighed. Mentally preparing myself for unknown territory was already hard enough, but things like that just make it worse. For someone claiming that they were trying to help me, it certainly didn’t seem like it. She apparently picks the absolute worst times to bring up her complaints.
She nodded her response, signifying the end of the current “conversation.” The rest of the walk into the- what did she call it, Hearing Chamber?- was in silence. I’d like to say it was peaceful, but the amount of tension she built up was so thick, one of my swords probably couldn’t cut through it without getting snapped in half. At least at this point, however, I could actually focus on preparing for the task at hand. I was going into it relatively blind, so I was kinda expecting anything to happen. She gave me a decent enough description of what this job’s function should be, but not necessarily how to do it, or what were appropriate solutions for what effectively functioned as a courtroom environment. How informal could I be and get away with it? What answer is so bad it would land me in jail? Was I actually curious enough about her reasoning for putting me here to perform well? Were these questions so easy that it would basically be impossible to come up with an answer that was so obviously wrong? Eventually I came to the conclusion that I’d have to determine all of these answers after the first complaint was brought forth during the Hearing. That should have given me a pretty good idea for what the rest of the complaints will be like and how to handle them.
Upon our entry into the Hearing Chamber, whatever conversations that were being had suddenly ceased, only to immediately be replaced with fervent murmuring. I couldn’t really piece together what any of them were saying, but they were no doubt concerned that a massive biped that was double most of their heights just suddenly walked into the room with their leader. Not necessarily a bad thing to get panicked about, in all honesty.
Speaking of the room, the Hearing Chamber in question was quite ornate. The exits were evenly spaced apart from each other, and symmetrical from wall to wall. Big desks that were pressed together filled the middle of the room. They were wooden with this golden trim that was etched with some flowy-looking design pattern. The wood looked to be high quality, but I couldn’t make out what kind it was. I’m not exactly a tree expert. The ceiling was high, supported by massive pillars that seemed to be built into the walls, with a couple of pillars near the edges of the desks that weren’t connected. These pillars had similar patterns to the gold trim etched into them as well. I wasn’t sure, but I’d like to imagine this room abided by the size dimensions of the golden ratio. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me if it did.
Celestia took a seat at the end of one of the tables, motioning for me to sit next to her on her right. Luckily they provided cushions rather than chairs in this room, so I simply sat on the one provided. I was going to sit in the seiza position, but figured my feet would probably fall off before the Hearing was over if I did, so I decided to sit cross-legged instead. It was easier and a bit more comfortable, too. The desk was a little lower to the ground than I was used to, but I could make do.
Now that I was sitting, I could get a good look at all the ponies that were here. From what I could count, there were eleven sitting at the desks, including Celestia and myself. Four guards stationed at each doorway with a fifth near Celestia. From what I could tell, there was definitely an uneven distribution between the types of ponies here, as of the other 9 ponies sitting, five of them were unicorns, two were pegasi, and two earth ponies. I wasn’t really sure what I was expecting regarding that, but based on how their society operates, I assumed there would be a bit more of an even distribution.
The murmuring that was prevalent throughout suddenly ceased as Celestia raised one of her front hooves. “Mares and Gentlecolts, this 6,576th proceeding of the Equestrian Royal Hearings will now commence. As I’m sure nearly all in the room are aware, these Hearings are in place to ensure that the troubles and needs of the citizens of Equestria are not only brought to light, but resolved in a peaceful, constructive manner, as well.
“As you all have noticed,” She motioned over to me, an act I very much wanted to protest, before continuing. “I have brought a guest with me today. His name is Franco Herman, and he is of a subspecies of ape called ‘human.’ I believe he is quite a popular topic of discussion amongst certain groups of ponies due to his origin and unique appearance. I will be trying him out for the position of Hearing Analyst at this proceeding. As such, I put forth the motion to accept him as a candidate.”
Unsurprisingly, murmurs immediately started back up after she announced what I was going to be doing.
“Are you sure that’s wise, Your Majesty?” A black unicorn spoke up. Honestly, I kinda have a hard time remembering any of their names, save one. However, if I recall correctly, this one was named… Black Bolt, I think…?
She gave that same shit-eating grin that I saw from her study earlier. “If his credentials are in question, would it please the court if I submitted his G.I test results?”
Once she saw the slow nodding coming from everyone else in the room, her horn glowed golden and a singular paper appeared in front of her in a flash of light. The page levitated over to the objecting unicorn. He took a moment to look at it, then eventually at me, then back at the paper again.
“I-is this result accurate, Your Majesty?”
“Quite impressive, isn’t it?” She made sure to look over at me while saying it. I merely rolled my eyes in response.
As the page made its way around the other tables, the black unicorn once more continued his onslaught of superfluous clarity questions that quite literally no one asked for.
“What was your name?” This one was directed at me this time. At least, I assume so. He was looking at me when he asked it, at the very least.
Oh what, now you want to know my name only after you’re interested? Fuck off. “Why do you ask a question you already know the answer to? Or were you not paying attention when your leader introduced me?” Considering all he had done so far was ask stupid questions, I figured rhetoric was an efficient way of getting him to stop.
It was apparently a bit too good of a method, as he seemed utterly taken aback. It even looked like he flinched a bit. Who does he think he’s kidding? Try to get him off my back, and this is what he does? Is he a child?
“Franco.” Celestia sternly spoke up next to me. “I believe there was a more cordial way of introducing yourself.”
Ah. So she won’t let me perform poorly. Seems kinda obvious in hindsight. If I perform poorly, it’s a poor reflection on her, too. Especially since she’s personally recommending me for the position. Was afraid of that. Fine then. I suppose I’ll have to try and find a way to do as mediocre a job as possible. Perhaps that will prevent me from needing to do this in the future. “Right. Of course.” I took a deep breath to steel myself for all the shit I was likely going to have to put up with for the rest of the day. “Franco Herman. Former detective, LAPD.”
“LAPD?” one of the pegasi echoed.
Oh lovely. Now I have to deal with this too on top of whatever Celestia’s looking for. And for as long as I’m in a courtroom setting, I can’t lie, derail the conversation, or simply ignore the question like I’d normally be able to. I sighed. “Initials for the citing agency I was a part of and the city of its jurisdiction. Los Angeles Police Department, thus the acronym: LAPD.”
“What kind of city is this ‘Los Angeles?’” A different unicorn- this one was red- spoke up.
I narrowed my eyes at that one. “Do keep in mind that we are debating my worthiness to participate. I don’t believe that question is relevant to my credentials. Either I’m qualified for this or not, regardless of the nature of my hometown.” If I let them ask whatever question pops into their brain, this will go on for way too long. I have not the patience to deal with that. I have to get this back on track so that we can continue and I can get the fuck out of here.
“Y-yes, of course…” The red one tentatively affirmed.
“Ah, I believe that display should be more than enough to prove yourself, old chap.” There was one unicorn with a monocle that spoke up. He had a refined- I wanna say British?- accent, and was even dressed in a small, expensive-looking vest that covered some of the top half of his torso. Quite a strange sight, honestly. He also had a name so stupid I refuse to even write it down. It was quite literally the only reason I remembered his name.
“Indeed, I do believe you’ve displayed all the qualities needed for the position thus far.,” he continued. “Quick-witted, straight to the point, and I must say this is the highest score on a G.I. test I’ve ever seen! Admittedly, I am a bit jealous of Her Grace for finding you before me. It is no wonder she recommends you for this position.”
Definitely a people-pleaser, this one. Not really surprised he made it far enough to have a position like this. I happened to look over at Celestia and found her smiling contently in her seat. He even has his leader melting in his hands. Hooves. Whatever.
“All in favor?” Celestia finally asked.
Hooves slowly raised into the air one by one. Of the nine council members, three of the unicorns and both pegasi had their hooves raised.
At this point it was mostly just for formality’s sake, but she followed up. “All opposed?”
Of the four that were left that had yet to vote, three of them raised their hooves. The last one, an earth pony, left out his vote. Not really sure why, perhaps he was just indifferent?
“Motion granted.” She slammed her hoof down on a soundblock, making a similar noise I’d expect a gavel to make. “The court approves Mr. Franco Herman as a candidate for the position of Hearing Analyst. Would a council member bring forth the first complaint?”
The shuffling of papers immediately started as all the other ponies scrambled to get their stuff together. Using this opportunity, Celestia leaned over to me and whispered, “I will deal with the first one to give you a good idea of how an Analyst should do their duties.”
I nodded my understanding. Having a frame of reference would certainly help in this context. This may not be my first time in a courtroom setting, but it would be my first time not simply being here as a witness. At this point, any amount of extra data was more than welcome.
Once all the other council members were sorted, the unicorn with the monocle stood up, levitating a paper up with him at eye level. “Right then. Let’s begin with an important one that was submitted in my jurisdiction.” He cleared his throat before reading,
“‘Your Majesty,
I seek yours and the Council’s humble aid with a dilemma I’m currently dealing with. I’ve noticed my parents having more and more arguments when they think I’m not looking. I have began to worry I might be the reason why they’re fighting so much. Is there any advice you can give me that you think might help?
From, Miss Autumn Wind’”
Celestia had closed her eyes and nodded at the request. Presumably, she already had an answer to deal with this, or at least some idea as to how to handle it. It was very fortunate that I did as well.
“Thoughts, Franco?” She asked.
So much for handling the first one. I rolled my eyes. “Her parents are likely going through financial trouble and don’t want her to know about it. She should just be direct and ask them if getting something like a part-time job would help.”
“I object! How in the world would you know something like that based on this letter? You didn’t even read it to confirm its contents!” One of the unicorns piped up. The only distinctive feature I remember about her at the moment was that she was red. I think her name was Summer Blaze? Some nonsense of that caliber. “There isn’t any possible way to know if even half of what you’re asserting is true!”
How in this world do you not? I had to bite my tongue to prevent saying that out loud. “Context is everything, and she gave us more than enough to work with. For starters, it’s easy to deduce that she’s a teenager. Her noticing her parents’ arguing so frequently implies she lives with them, and her incorrect verb usage despite having good sentence structure, and her inability to exhaust all of her options prior to contacting her local government for help in such a matter shows that she is naive and immature. She has yet to acquire the life experience needed to deal with an issue like this on her own. And, obviously, she can’t exactly ask her parents for help in such a matter, can she?”
“Y-yes, but-”
She didn’t get far before I interrupted. “Furthermore, her eagerness to reach out for help and her parents’ willingness to cease arguing once they find that she’s been listening in tells us that she likely does not come from an abusive household and that they don’t want to bother her with the issue they’re having. Meaning, it’s extremely likely that the reasons they’re arguing in the first place have nothing to do with her. The singular most likely cause in this context is that one of them either lost their job or got a lower paying job, so they’re struggling to figure out how to handle their finances, causing untold amounts of stress which would lead to arguing. Even if my assumption ends up being wrong, Autumn Breeze simply being direct and asking what she can do to help is the best option she has for easing tensions in the household. Telling her to ask such a specific question is both for her benefit and a safety measure. It implies that she’s trying to pay close attention to what’s going on, and shows her parents that she cares while also getting the government involved in her family affairs as little as possible.” Effectively, all we’re really telling her to do here is to exhaust all her options she has available first before coming back if the problem persists. Why this wasn’t the first option everyone else saw as well is apparently far beyond my understanding.
I stared at her as she seemed to struggle to find what to say next, as was nearly every other council member. I didn’t want to add this, but the only other possibility that came to mind was that her mother had an affair, and her father found out the hard way or vice versa, hence why they would stop arguing when she was around. Of course, if that’s the case, it’s better she finds that out sooner rather than later. Directly asking them what she can do to help is the best option she’s got, regardless of what’s actually going on in that household.
“Ob-objection withdrawn…” She finally stammered out.
Oh no, you won’t get away that easily. I’m not done with you yet. “One last thing. ‘I didn’t even read it to confirm its contents?’ Why would I need to do something like that? My understanding of Equestrian law is that the Hearing Analyst does not actually need to see a copy of the complaint or request being brought forth. It is the responsibility of the select few council members to dictate said complaints and requests as accurately as they are written under penalty of a small fine should they not comply. ERS Code 21-411, I believe. I have a copy of your own lawbook to confirm, if you’d like a review.”
Despite my intentions, I didn’t actually harbor much ill will towards this one. I just needed to make an example out of her so that the rest of them would see what happens if they try to pull the nonsense that she tried. I am no fool; I could clearly see she was trying to take advantage of what she assumed was an inexperienced rookie. Unfortunately for her, this job thus far proved to be fairly similar to getting witness statements, an act I am quite familiar with and used to be very proficient at. There was no way I was letting that slide. Also, getting them in line in such a way allows this to go faster, and makes them more accurate for fear of being called out to such a humiliating and ruthless degree. Little something I picked up on from military boot camp, despite never actually getting to use it until this point. Never thought it would come in handy, let alone here.
I saw her shrink in her seat in response, clearly unhappy with the outcome she got. It was like a pouting little brat that didn’t get their way for the first time. Obnoxious, but at least I no longer had to worry about her stepping out of line for the remainder of the trial.
I heard Celestia clear her throat next to me. “I believe such an offer is not necessary, as the council members are required to know all of the Title 21 ERS codes.”
Huh. Didn’t expect her to back me up on that one. I guess that explains why she didn’t stop me from chewing into the red one over there when she had the chance.
“That being said,” she continued, “While your solution and the reasoning behind it may be sound, it is not perfect.”
...Beg pardon? It’s the best answer available, who cares if it’s perfect?
“What you tell her to do and your intent as to why you wish her to do so are at odds with each other, are they not? If you do not wish for her to use this public service frequently, then why tell her to do something so specific that will undoubtedly make her reliant on it? Should this advice work and she sees Royal Hearings as a way to personally benefit via social standing based on the answers you are willing to give her, she will simply become dependent upon them, and seek them out for even the most mundane of situations. Surely that was not your intent?”
I tried to rattle my brain for any appropriate response to her rebuttal, but none came to mind. It may have technically been based on an assumption, but the logic was sound. I also had no right to complain about the foundation, as I had just recently chewed someone out for attempting to call me out for the same thing. She trapped me to the extent that the only way out was to backpedal. Clever.
Damn it, I should have seen that possibility. If I ended up overlooking such an obvious outcome, my social skills have deteriorated more than I- Wait... It took me a minute to fully process what she was actually telling me here, then it finally clicked. Wait, I was right about her true intentions in placing me here, I was just looking at them from the wrong angle. It’s not about how much of my actions are fake, it’s about how much that facade has ruined my social skills. She placed me here just to test me again. And I fell for it. Again.
“Very well,” I begrudgingly replied. “What would you suggest, then?” Considering, y’know, you were the one that said you would handle this.
“Might I suggest that instead of asking a specific question, she takes a less specific approach and simply asks her parents if there’s anything troubling them? This would resolve the conflict of intent with the other option, as well as instill some measure of confidence that she had the answer she sought before even coming to us with the dilemma in the first place. Would this not make her less reliant upon this service as you were hoping for?”
I could see the other ponies on the council were slowly looking over towards each other and nodding, a faint murmur of approval being echoed across the room accompanying it.
“Perhaps so…” I had given the option some consideration, and found it lacking. “Perhaps not. The possibility exists that it could not be a good enough answer depending on what exactly her parents argue about. Should the topic be more severe that what was implied, asking a more specific question and still getting a dismissive answer should clue her in that she should be digging deeper. Whether it be with our help or not is irrelevant. Asking an indistinct question is easier to dismiss, and while that may cause her to not use this service again, it would be for the wrong reasons, would it not? Again: telling her to ask a specific question is not just a benefit to her, but also a failsafe that we would be foolish not to use.”
The room got eerily quiet after my rebuttal. I suppose adding the “foolish” part at the end wasn’t exactly necessary, but I didn’t care. It became clear that in order to get out of this as fast as humanly possible, I would need to do better. Get it right the first time and move on. And I believed that the answer I gave was the best option, given what we had to work with.
I could see Celestia deep in thought, her hoof raised to her chin with her eyes closed. Eventually her hoof lowered, and she spoke. “‘Tis a risky option, but an interesting point to make, to be sure. I do not suspect her household is as bad as this failsafe would imply, but I suppose I cannot argue with the logic behind it. Very well. If there are no more objections, we can try this approach. Just do not be surprised if we get more submissions from Miss Autumn Wind in the future. I suspect this will cause more problems than it will fix should it backfire.”
Wait, so she also saw the possibility of adultery and still wants to give this option a try? I took this option knowing that might be possible, but I don’t see much of a problem in cluing her in that something like that is going on. I mean, she’ll find out eventually either way, won't she? Operating under that assumption, we are simply granting her a boon in exchange for fucking off and not coming to us with problems that she should be dealing with on her own.
With the rest of the room still displaying the ominous quiet from earlier, Celestia flashed forth a piece of parchment and a quill, (again, what’s wrong with pens or pencils in this country is a mystery I still haven’t the foggiest idea on how to solve) and quickly scribbled the answer I gave. She levitated it over so that I could see what she wrote, with me giving a quick nod of approval before it passed around the council.
I could see each council member slowly nod their approval one by one, with the monocled one giving his approval a bit too eagerly for my liking. Clearly already trying to weasel in some favor with me. For what possible reason he had to try this, I did not know, nor did I care, but it would not work either way. With the reply acceptable to nearly all in the room, the only exception being the same earth pony that didn’t vote before, it was thus approved, and with a flash of light from Celestia, it was sent off.
Surprisingly, most of the rest of the notes presented from the council members were fairly arbitrary, mundane tasks that offered significantly less logical thought prowess than I was expecting. There were certainly none that implied severe moral repercussions depending upon the answer we gave like the first question we took. Some of the- I hesitate to call them “noteworthy,” but for lack of a better term- letters included such fun conundrums as: Should I go to this high society party and ditch my friends in the process? Do you have any advice on getting my family to not embarrass me for a school presentation? And, my personal favorite: Is it safe to mix chemical cleaning solutions I found under my sink to get a more thorough clean?
The answer to the last of these was, unfortunately, no. I was, however, very seriously considering saying yes to it. Anyone who’s dumb enough to ask a question of that caliber in the first place would have inevitably gotten a- what were they called? Oh, yes- Darwin award in record time. Typically curiosity is a good thing to have in one’s youth, but too much of it can lead to a particularly shorter end than one might expect. At least, that’s the case if you’re not careful, anyway.
Regardless, the rest of the Hearing went by fairly quick, especially considering the sheer volume of requests presented. There were no others I found to be worth my time, save one. Right at the very end, no less. It was presented by the one earth pony that had been refusing to vote to a large extent. Very rarely did I ever see him participate, so him suddenly including himself into the hearing was a bit of a surprise.
“There is one more from my jurisdiction, your Highness.” It was the first time I heard him speak. Apparently he only brought one complaint with him. Looking back, I can definitely see why.
“‘Dear Princess Celestia,
I don’t know what to do or how to even ask this, but I had this friend who broke our friendship. There was this group that came by town a while back that got into his head and whispered whatever he wanted to hear to get him to join them. It worked, and now I’ve lost my only friend and ain’t got no idea on how to get him back.
Please help in whatever way you can.
-Bright Light’
“For reference,” he continued, “This letter came from the outskirts of Dodge City.”
I knew not what this meant, but the others in the room seemed to. The rest all had similar stumbled looks upon their faces.
“Meaning…?” My attempt at fishing for information could have been more subtle, I suppose, but depending upon who we were dealing with in this note, the direct approach seemed the best to take.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “This group is a wanderin’ band of ponies. They ain’t even native to the country, so if they’re already at Dodge City, this is already a problem we shoulda been dealin’ with.”
Hm… So they’re nomadic? Still doesn’t tell me enough. Need more information if I’m to answer this appropriately. I hadn’t paid this much heed at the time, but him suddenly slipping back into a really thick southern accent sticks out to me now that I think about it. I guess I know better than anyone that old habits die hard. “What of this group? Do we have any intel on them?”
“Not much. Apparently they occasionally pick up a few extra members that wanna join their cause along the way. Unfortunately, they can cause a might of damage if they’re left t’their own devices. Rippin’ members out of a local community is devastating to the area’s populace for a number of reasons. We should be dealin’ with this menace as quickly as we can.”
“Cause”…? “And what is this cause of theirs? Do we know?”
He shook his head. “The group likes to keep their secrets. We ain’t even got a name to call ‘em. We had been hearin’ some word-of-mouth rumors a while back about a travelin’ group like this ‘round the border of the country, but up until ‘bout three months ago, this group was silent. Apparently they worked their way up from the Badlands, into Appleloosa, and then into Dodge City in that time and’ve been recruitin’ ponies to join them at every stop.”
Sounds like a cult of some sorts, but we’re working with next to nothing here. We don’t know what their goal is, or for that matter how or why they’re recruiting people. Hell, we don’t even know what kind of damage they’re actually causing. Ripping individuals from a community is one thing, but with the amount of time they’re actually spending in each area, the individuals in question that were recruited might have left at any other opportunity presented to them. I suppose it’s possible that they’re using magic to recruit others to their cause so quickly, but even that’s unlikely due to their low recruit rate. We just don’t have anywhere near as much information as we should. Guess that should be our first method of approach to see what’s going on.
I took a glance over at Celestia to find her seemingly stuck with this. Cults here apparently aren’t as common as they are back home. Quite a number of them were running around in fairly unlikely places. Liz once told me of a group she had to deal with when she was younger. She withheld the name of the cult from me, presumably out of spite to them, but according to her, they were Satanic in nature. The cult was based in the outskirts of Granada Hills, spilling over a little into Santa Clarita by consequence, and was active until the early 30’s before getting shut down. Apparently they were some remnant of a larger string of cults from the 1980’s in which their practices were reportedly far more widespread. Whether or not they actually were more active during that time and the reports from that time being accurate have yet to be determined from all the hysteria surrounding them due to old media coverage. From what Liz told me, she believed they started a little north of the Compton area, (I think that’s called Lynwood? I never got a lot of cases in that area, so I don’t remember off the top of my head.) merged with some of the bigger cults around the area, and then when they started getting arrested in the 1990’s, they split off and went way north in an effort to avoid being caught but still being close enough so that they could keep meeting in and around the LA area. Presumably their contacts for whatever degenerate acts they wanted to partake in were too valuable to give up. Taking them down apparently wasn’t easy, but she meticulously recorded every method she used against them that worked and subsequently taught me all of them, should I have found myself in a similar situation if she happened to not be around. Admittedly, I don’t remember every method off the top of my head anymore, only the most effective ones, but I figured that should have still been enough to stop whoever this group was if they were to get out of control. Liz’s over-preparedness and meticulous nature helped even here, and I think only here did it finally begin to sink in to me exactly how much prep work Liz truly did. A part of me even wonders whether she expected something like this to happen.
“As it stands,” I started, shifting my glance from Celestia to the earth pony. “I don’t believe we have enough information to effectively resolve the issue in question.”
“Of all the darn-!” I could see him get visibly angry, the only emotion I think he displayed while being here. “We need t’do-”
“-Which is why,” I had no choice but to interrupt. All too frequently have I seen situations similar to these turn sour at a split-second’s hesitation. “I would propose we send some sort of specialist or military personnel to discreetly gather intel about them that we need. Perhaps then we can accurately devise a plan to have them dealt with if need be.”
“I concur,” Celestia finally piped up. “‘Tis a sensible approach. Without even a name to call this group, it would be difficult to determine what must be done, if we even need to do anything at all.”
Wow. I think for once we’re finally on the same page about something. That’s a surprise. I’d prefer her to not outright steal my answers, though.
“With all due respect, Princess, if’n we don’t figure out somethin’ to do ‘bout this group, they’ll just keep takin’ ponies away from their families.” I remember him losing his composure making the accent come out worse. He apparently tries very hard to keep it concealed, at least in a courtroom setting, anyway.
Oh great, so he’s just going to ignore that this was originally my point. “Make no mistake, I am not suggesting we do nothing. Gathering as much intelligence as we can will allow us to determine whether they are a public menace that should be handled accordingly or not. Unless, of course, you happen to know what their goals are and why they’re even interested in recruiting others to their cause in the first place?”
“What does that gotta do with anythin’?”
Ah. I see he doesn’t speak, not because he feels as though he doesn’t have to, but because he has nothing intelligent to say. “Everything. For instance: do we know for certain that they are deliberately recruiting others with the intent to wreak as much havoc upon their visited locales’ infrastructure as possible? Assuming the worst: that they are, why take so few individuals from these places? After all, it would be far more devastating to rip as many as they can from their homes, no? And yet, reportedly, that isn’t happening. Is it not simply possible that they are charismatic enough to persuade those around them to follow? Or, perhaps, their goals are perceived as just and moral, and those with certain ideological proclivities ask to join them rather than vice-versa?”
It’s almost as if I could visibly see the gears in his head slowly start to turn, grinding against each other in some lousy attempt at a thought process.
“Such questions are merely scraping the tip of the iceberg in comparison to the amount of information we do not have. Making a decision now is reckless at best, and utterly disastrous at worst. Gathering intelligence is quite literally the only viable option we have at the moment, lest we endanger the citizens who joined them. I am, however, open to any suggestions you’d care to make.”
A few minutes passed with the earthy pony seemingly struggling to find any semblance of an answer in that head of his. Eventually, he gave an exasperated sigh. “Gah. Fine. I don’t like it one bit, but much as I hate to admit it, ‘yer smarter’n I am. If this’s the best plan we got, I’ll go ‘long with it. We ain’t got no one like who ‘yer suggestin’ down anywhere near Dodge Junction or Appleloosa though.”
I gave a brief glance over at Celestia, who nodded her understanding almost immediately.
“Worry not, the Crown will provide the necessary personnel and expenditure funding for such an endeavor. You need only point out the group in question to the investigator we send.”
The earth pony gave a curt nod. “Mighty kind o’ya, Princess. Thank ‘ya. Both o’ya.”
Apparently not one for formalities in any sense of the word, he just got up from his seat and swiftly left the room. The anger over the decision was clear, certainly, but given how literally no one else in this room was phased by his sudden departure, I’m inclined to believe he just gets up and leaves whenever he feels like it.
“Well, I believe that should be all for the day.” Celestia started. “Thus concludes the 6.576th Royal Hearing of Equestria. Dismissed.”
Slowly but surely all the participants of the hearing rose from their seats and began to shuffle outside of the hearing chamber. The red pegasus that I made an example of was the second to leave, barely even waiting for Celestia’s dismissal. To her credit, at least she bothered to wait, unlike the other one. The unicorns made their way out after that, save he who shall not be named. He came up next to Celestia to whisper something to her before he left. What they discussed, I do not know, nor do I care. I have zero interest in pursuing that matter in any capacity at the moment, and I believe it may very well take a miracle to get me to care enough to even want to pursue it in the first place.
Soon all the council members had dispersed, their seats empty, and in some cases strewn about. Celestia waved her hoof, and almost immediately the few guards that were actually in the room left as well. With one movement, we were alone. A still silence engulfed the air around us, a stark contrast to the prior hearing we had just partaken in. With this newfound silence came an overwhelming sense of dread, for I knew what came next.
I wasn’t ready to be able to face what came next. Or rather, “face myself,” would be more accurate in this context, I suppose. In the moments leading up to her striking up that horrid conversation, I seriously considered becoming an enemy of the state. I eventually dropped that option, of course, but the thought did cross my mind. Admittedly more than once.
“Well, that went quite well, all things considered.” Celestia’s words cut through the deafening quiet
“All I have taken from this endeavor is an understanding of why this position remains yet unfilled.”
She chuckled at that. “If it’s any consolation, that’s the best first session I’ve seen out of a Hearing Analyst in at least a century or two. The council members get very… self-assured when there is no Hearing Analyst keeping them on their hooves.”
I raised my eyebrow at her. “Clearly.”
“...I must ask.” Her pause was brief, but every moment of silence is not a welcome one. “Regarding Miss Autumn Breeze, you knew the other possible option implied from the letter she sent, yes?”
“...Gonna need to be a bit more specific.” This was, of course, a lie. I knew exactly what she was asking about. I simply wanted to hear her say it.
I saw her give an intense frown. “You requested she ask something specific to her parents. You would not have suggested such a thing during the hearing if you did not know what I speak of. It is possible her parents are having an affair, yet you advocated for her finding out anyway. Why?”
“Strange question.” I remarked. “You make it sound as though she has no right to know.”
“That is not what I said.” I didn’t need to see the continued frown to feel it piercing down on me.
“But it is what you’re implying. Let’s assume for a moment we went with your suggestion. She asks an indistinct question to her parents, gets a vapid answer in response, and I would hope I don’t need to explain why absolutely nothing is resolved in her household as an end result?”
She sighed. “No, I am well aware. If the problem is as dire as that, her parents' arguments would simply grow in size and frequency. Make no mistake, I am not doubting the efficiency of such a solution. I am doubting its need.”
Ah, I know where she’s going.
“Assuming the worst case scenario here,” she continued. “Is it truly necessary for her to find out such unsavory details about her parents? Would it not be better for her to not unearth that knowledge?”
“No.”
“‘No’?” she echoed. “For what reason?”
“You said it yourself. Her parents’ arguments will grow in size and frequency if left unchecked.”
“...I fail to see how the two are related.” A confused look showed upon her face. Probably the only tell that I’ve ever been 100% confident in identifying correctly.
“Assume for a moment that you’ve just found out your partner has been cheating on you. What’s the first thing you doubt about your partner after the marriage itself?”
“Hmm.” She placed her hoof under her chin. “I suppose it would be the legitimacy of- Ah.”
“That’s why. Even if one side or both are objectively wrong, they will inevitably use her as a weapon against each other should these arguments of theirs escalate. Your suggestion would have Autumn Breeze walk into such a thing completely blind, and arguably more hurt by it by consequence. If that is the outcome, it would be far better if she knows.”
Celestia sat silently, her hoof still raised near her mouth.
“Of course, even with my suggestion, there’s still a very likely possibility that she still won’t find out, assuming such a thing is even occurring in the first place. We are building this scenario on a massive hypothetical, after all.”
“True enough on both points,” she nodded. “There is no guarantee that she would be inquisitive enough to chase after such answers, let alone whether something of the sort is even happening behind closed doors.”
I am not entirely sure why this needed to be explained to her. Seemed obvious to me, as it should have to her as well. Perhaps she simply wanted to hear my reasoning? I do not understand her angle.
Finally, she smiled. “I am surprised to hear you gave that letter so much thought. And to be so verbose with your explanation of it is a welcome change. I was beginning to think that cold case I had you work on was a fluke.”
I am certain the look I gave her was that of utter annoyance. “My work back home required far more attention than this. What I gave that letter was nothing more than a cursory glance.”
She chuckled. “If that was nothing more than a cursory glance, then I daresay you’re likely overqualified for your job back home, as well.“
“...Not really? There are a few people way better than me at what I do. They are overqualified. I still have a long way to go before reaching their level.”
“Hm.” I had only been periodically looking at her to read some of her facial expressions, but for a brief moment, I thought I saw a glimpse of fear, maybe? Shock? She’s already hard to read, so I’m probably wrong about the whole thing, but it was the first time I thought I saw it. “A goal to work towards?”
“No,” I shook my head. “Nothing more than a byproduct.”
“Oh? So what was the goal?”
“Ridding my city of crime.” These words came before I could even stop myself. I had not intended on divulging such personal information during my time here, and yet such an old sentiment still managed to rear its ugly head.
She stared at me for a minute. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to figure out how to steer the conversation next or what, but it took her a bit before she responded back. “...I didn’t think you’d have a goal like that.”
“I did.”
“‘Did?’ You gave up on it?”
I gave her a questioning stare. “Obviously? For the foreseeable future, there’s no way to go back home, which means I couldn’t pursue it even if I tried.” Who am I kidding? I gave up on that dream long before I came here. It was a stupid, naive one that served no other purpose than a vain attempt to make me better at my job.
“Ah. Of course. If it is any consolation, I do have a few ponies researching what brought you here in the first place. It would take time, but eventually we could possibly find a way to send you back home in the future.”
“Ha,” I scoffed. “I’ve heard things like that before. Meaning it’s not going to happen in my lifetime. They’re better off not bothering.”
She frowned. I could tell it wasn’t out of anger this time, but honestly I would have preferred it in this context. No, I knew what that look was all too well. Pity. I hate it.
“Is this why you’ve been so abrasive? You’re angry that you’ve been forced to give up your dream?”
Under normal circumstances that would have been a good guess. “...You want me to be honest with you?” She didn’t speak, nor did I bother to look over at her for visual confirmation to continue. I think we both knew it was rhetorical. “It’s nothing more than icing on the proverbial cake.”
“Oh?” She fully shifted over to her right so that she was now facing me from her seat. “If it isn’t that, then it must be that war your country participated in, no?”
I didn’t look at her. I didn’t even say anything. And she didn’t have to even ask that question. That, too, was rhetorical. She clearly knew the answer long before this conversation started.
“I see…” Celestia sat in thought for a moment before she continued. “Tell me about it.”
“...I’d rather not.”
She frowned. “You won’t be able to overcome this if you aren’t at least willing to speak of it. Could you at least try?”
“No.” She’s practically asking for a miracle here. “The last time I tried…” I had briefly recalled a time not long after I got discharged when my former superior officers tried to send me over to the military shrink. To say that it went so poorly that a few people nearly died still wouldn’t do it justice. “...Did not end well.”
“Hm.” I could see the same frown visible on her face. “Very well, perhaps we’ll try a different approach, then. I’d like to confirm some suspicions I had regarding your condition, if you’ll indulge me?”
…What kind of game is she trying to play? She forces me to talk about this stuff, and now she wants to ask for permission? Why does every conversation I have with her end up this way?
“...I suppose.” Not like you left me any choice.
“Very good,” she gave a smile at me, one that I found to be extremely disingenuous. Almost as soon as she gave it, however, it immediately faded to a more serious expression. “You suffer from PTSD, do you not?”
…I suppose it wasn’t really that hard to figure out, all things considered, but she really went straight to the point immediately? All this subterfuge and only now does she want to be direct?
I curtly nodded in place of a verbal answer.
“I see,” she nodded her head in understanding. “And I assume this stems from something related to all those scars on your body, yes?”
…Of course she’d have access to my medical record, why wouldn’t she? It was naive to think that they’d keep it private from someone like her. I should have expected this.
I stayed silent, an action she would have no problem extrapolating the answer from.
“I should have expected as much.”
“...?!” I whirled my head to give a confused stare at her. Suddenly saying what I was thinking was quite the scare for me since I still wasn’t convinced that mind reading wasn’t possible yet at this point.
“I am truly sorry that you had to experience such a thing, Franco. I am only one of two ponies that even remember what war was like here in Equestria, and I remember all too well what it did to the brave soldiers who came back after fighting for me.” As she spoke, I could see her neutral face become more and more crestfallen as she reminisced about her past. “It was most certainly not pleasant for anypony involved once the last war ended. We all needed to scramble to get systems in place to get all our soldiers mental help regardless of their income. It was difficult. Stressful. What was even worse was seeing the kind of trauma they experienced after fighting on my behalf. I tried to help them. I was no psychologist or anything of the like, but I tried to do what I could, when I could. Do you know what I saw? Constant sleepless nights, going into random panic attacks at a moment’s notice, exhibiting extremely asocial behavior, to the point that some of the worst cases would get violent even being around others. They are some of the same symptoms I see from you.”
She had turned to face me before continuing. “Clearly your country has done you a great disservice by giving up and allowing you to live in such a self-destructive manner for this long. I would certainly hope you are an exception and not the norm for how they treat your fellow brothers-and-sisters-in-arms. And while your leaders might have allowed this to happen to you, Franco, I will not. As far as I am concerned, your defense of Ponyville is the equivalent of fighting for our country, and I will not sit idly by and watch yet another soldier suffer the horrors of war for any longer than is absolutely necessary.”
Hearing her speak about this with me was somewhat… bizarre, I guess? Certainly unexpected, as at the time I still seriously doubted the authenticity of the claim that both Celestia and her sister were over 1,000 years old. This conversation, however, at least gave some credence to the claim. No one else here could possibly even comprehend what I went through during that war, except, I suppose, for these two sisters. Her speech almost made me forget about that threat she issued to me prior to starting the Hearing. Almost.
“...I don’t get you at all.” These words, too, practically flew out of my mouth, but I had no interest in controlling them. I needed answers.
“Hm?” Celestia tilted her head at me.
“First you’re threatening to kill me in the hallway, and now you’re basically offering me free therapy? What are you trying to pull?”
“Ah,” she gave a strange smile. “I presume you won’t accept the answer of me genuinely caring about you, yes?”
Of all the stupid excuses…! As if anyone would believe you after pulling a stunt like that! “Obviously not. Why would I assume that when barely a couple hours ago you threatened my life?”
“You misunderstand, Franco. In the Hearing Chamber I spoke to you as a ruler. Here, I speak to you freely.”
So… She does apparently care about me but her duties as ruler get in the way? If that’s what she’s saying, I’m not buying it. She’s been running me ragged the last two days, giving me the constant mental run-around to presumably get information out of me, digs into my medical record, and then proceeds to threaten me should I step out of line. Twice, no less. I would have to be some kind of moron to believe that her motives are as altruistic as Twilight’s at this point.
“If we are speaking freely, then I don’t believe that for a second.”
That smile she had on her face faded. “You may believe whatever you wish, Franco. It does not change the reality of the situation. Do you really think that I would offer this service to a non-citizen of Equestria if I didn’t care?”
There’s no way that’s the only reason she would do this. She could have an ulterior motive. …No, she must. It’s practically impossible to believe she’d be doing this otherwise. “...It’s certainly possible.”
“Really.” If she wasn’t annoyed before she absolutely was now. She didn’t even bother trying to hide that reaction. “Well, I’m curious to hear how you think I’m apparently trying to- what, exactly? Deceive you?”
Truthfully, I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond. This conversation was unavoidable, and unfortunately, I came woefully underprepared.
“I’m listening,” she said, clearly impatient at my hesitation. “What do I possibly have to gain by deceiving you in such a manner? I’m certainly not concerned about your loyalty, considering your willingness to defend my citizens with your life on the line and zero prospects of a reward being granted to you. So why else would I offer you help other than the one reason you aren’t willing to accept?”
Again, I said nothing. At the time, this was something I hadn’t even come to terms with myself, so how would I ever be able to express my thoughts? I simply couldn’t believe that anyone would help me in such a manner. Not without there being strings attached. Be it loyalty, future “favors,” or something akin to the sort, there was usually always baggage that came with such kindness.
She was silent for a bit before she continued. “...Unless there is no problem with my giving you something, but rather what you are receiving?”
I’m sure my face showed my confusion. I didn’t know where she was going at the time. Looking back, with the skills I used to have, I definitely should have seen, though. Yet another aspect of my acquired skills that I have let rot and decay.
“How do you feel about therapy, Franco? Is it something you have received before?”
I shouldn’t tell her. There’s no telling what she’ll do with this information if I let it leak. There’s no way telling her will lead to any good… And yet… “...I have,” I reluctantly let out.
Despite every fiber of my being screaming at me to not tell her, I found myself unable to filter my response. I don’t know if this was due to Twilight’s repeated, unwanted insistence into prying into my personal life at every chance she got finally wearing me down, or whether somewhere deep down, I believed that Celestia truly understood what I had been through and was actually willing to help. Either way, I let the careful guard I always have up slip, if only for a brief moment. It would prove to be my undoing, as it always does.
“Oh?” she questioned. “I am surprised to hear that. Your therapist has done you a great disservice to leave you in such a state after finishing your sessions with them.”
“...I didn’t. First couple sessions weren’t going anywhere. Refused the rest.”
“Ah,” she nodded. “So, do you have reservations about therapy? I understand there are certain cultures here in our world that view getting help in such a way as weakness. Is that what you see it as?”
“...No. Not necessarily.”
“Then why? Why forsake the help you need?”
“I will not drag others down with problems I should be able to deal with on my own.” I was starting to get frustrated. My mind was racing, I was trying to finish sentences as fast as I could. It was a miracle I didn’t start slurring some of my speech. This was the longest I’d talked about topics like these, and the self-defense mechanisms I put in place to protect myself were all starting to kick in. I knew that if she started probing any deeper, things were going to get ugly real fast.
“You are not dragging them down by allowing therapists to do their work, Franco.”
“...” And yet I have already dragged down someone with my problems. Straight to the grave.
“Would you accept therapy from a therapist here, if given the opportunity? Perhaps even from Twilight, if she were willing?”
“...No.” What right have I to get therapy after the mistakes I’ve made?
I didn’t look at her, but I could tell from the tone of her voice she was probably frowning. “Why not? You are not burdening others with your problems if it is their job to do so. If you refuse therapy so vehemently, there must be another reason why. Tell me, please.”
“...” No more. I cannot bear it any more.
“If you do not speak of your problems, you will never be able to be rid of them. Communication is always the first step. Won’t you at least try?”
“...” My patience was entirely spent. I knew if she continued to probe, I’d finally crack under the pressure. And, just my luck…
“Franco, please. If you truly refuse to get better, I may really have no other choice but my threat from earlier that I would rather not repeat. I do not wish that upon you. I do not wish that upon anyone, but if you continue down this road, then I cannot help you. Why do you insist upon clinging to these problems?”
“Because I deserve them!” I feel like the words came out before I had time to even think about them. I remember hammering one of my hands down at the desk I was sitting at. I remember being short of breath, and not being able to stop my hands from shaking. This is what happens when I talk about these things. This always happens.
“Franco…”
“Because I fucked up! And if I hadn’t, then maybe-!” I had to stop myself short. If I didn’t, there would have been no way to come back from falling apart again. I think I remember putting my face in my hands, but I’m not quite certain. My memory after this point gets clouded. I think my brain instinctively blocks out certain memories so that I can function, but I never know which ones, and I’m fairly certain it goes overboard and ends up blocking too much. Whether that’s for the best or not, I wouldn’t know. I can’t remember what it blocks out.
Out of the few pieces of my memory that remained intact, I remember Celestia attempting to approach me. I remember her suddenly backing off for some reason. I remember being escorted back to the room she’s allowing me to stay in. After that, nothing. No details of how our conversation ended, or what resolution came from it. No details of the trip back to my room and how awkward it must have been. Not even whether I actually explicitly told Celestia why I turned out the way I did. It is exactly because of situations like these that I do not speak of this event. I cannot, lest one day I actually do end up truly falling apart. If I do, I’ll never be able to put myself back together. Never.
