Crying Over Spilled Frozen Milk
"You just made me drop my FUCKING ICE CREAM!" screamed Pinkie Pie, lifting the pony in front of her by the throat before slamming them head first into the ground. They were surprisingly heavy for an average pony on the street, and upon closer inspection, Pinkie realized she wasn't dealing with a regular unicorn; they had a horn like a unicorn, but also wings like a pegasus. She was dealing with an alicorn.
But they made me drop my ice cream! thought Pinkie. She wanted nothing more than to lean over and stomp on the skull of the alicorn laying on the ground, but something told her that she shouldn't, at least for now.
"Pinkie Pie, may I ask why you just chokeslammed me into the ground?"
Pinkie froze. She knew that voice. "Princess Celestia?"
"No Pinkie, it's your fucking mom. Of course it's me, you dumb piece of shit," said Celestia, pulling herself to her hooves and dusting off her wings. She walked up to Pinkie and stared her down with narrowed eyes. Pinkie gazed back happily at her with a smile on her face, upsetting Celestia even more. The princess lashed out aiming for Pinkie's face, but she blinked in confusion when her hoof met nothing but thin air.
"What are you doing, silly?"
Celestia flinched at the sound of a voice behind her. She hadn't even noticed the pink pony move, but sure enough when she looked ahead, Pinkie was no longer there. "Is this a game to you, Pinkie Pie?" she asked.
Pinkie tilted her head. "Of course not! Games are supposed to be fun, but an old hag like you is so slow that this is more like a chore."
"You a real motherfucker huh, Pinkie Pie?" said Celestia.
"I don't think a princess should be using that kind of language," Pinkie pointed out. "If you come back to the School of Friendship, Twilight and everypony else would be glad to reteach you all the things you've forgotten in your old age!"
"I'M NOT FUCKING OLD, YOU DICK GOBBLING, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, PUSSY-COLOURED, GAY PIECE OF SHIT!" screamed Celestia. Her face turned red as she spoke, and she swayed back and forth on her hooves. Strangely, it seemed like the ground was rushing up to meet her. Celestia was out before she even hit it.
Pinkie watched the scene with a shrug. "Seniors these days." She lifted Celestia onto her back and cantered back to the Castle of Friendship.
Princess Celestia awoke to the sound of many faint voices, seemingly from another room. Wherever she was, it in some dark room with the door locked from the outside. She pressed her ear against the cold wooden door and listened.
"I... she's... awake, Twilight!"
"Thanks, Pink... I'll go... her now."
A moment later, the door burst open, smashing Celestia in the head and sending her tumbling to the ground. She looked up and saw a blurry purple face. "Princess Celestia, are you awake?"
Celestia groaned, holding her hooves against her pounding head. "Twilight? Yes, I am."
"Good, now you can learn to sit the fuck down." Twilight kicked Celestia in the stomach, causing the older princess to fold up in pain. "Pinkie told me all about what happened and how you called her some disgusting names out of nowhere before collapsing. If I were her, I would have left you dead on the road."
Through all the pain and confusion, Celestia frowned. "Wait, Twilight," she coughed. "That pony isn't what you think she is, and that isn't what happened," she gasped.
"Really? So you're telling me you didn't call her a dick-gobbling, shit-for-brains, pussy-coloured gay piece of shit?" Twilight recited.
"I-I did, but that isn't the whole st--"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Twilight, slapping the princess in the face. "I've heard enough of your lies. It's clear you aren't fit to be a ruler of Equestria anymore," she said with a sad shake of her head.
"Enough!" shouted Celestia. "Can't you see? She's manipulating you! What really happened was that she bu--"
"Is everything okie dokie in here, Twilight?" It was Pinkie Pie.
Twilight turned to her friend, a frown creasing her brow. "I don't think so, Pinkie. It seems like she's lost it. She says you're manipulating everypony, but I know you wouldn't lie!" Twilight hung her head. Without Princess Celestia to guide her, she felt lost. But then she felt a warm hoof wrap around the back of her neck and she knew she wasn't alone. Together, they could help Celestia.
"I can handle this, Twilight! You go relax with the others," said Pinkie, practically shoving the purple princess out the door. Without giving her a chance to react, she slammed the door shut and turned to Celestia with a devilish smile. "Silly, that was never going to work. Then again, I suppose that old brain of yours must be on its way out."
Celestia let out a primal roar and rushed at Pinkie, but the pink pony slipped away at the last moment, and Celestia crashed head first into the door, dazing herself. "DON'T FUCK WITH ME!" she shouted. Her horn lit up with magical power, and she directed it at Pinkie. "This has gone on long enough. Forgive me, Tia. I have no other choice! Send this bitch to the moon!" Celestia cried and released her magic. The beam shot straight at Pinkie, enveloping her in a myriad of bright coloured magic.
"Ooooh, sparkles!" said Pinkie, her voice distorted by the magic around her. There was a flash, and when the smoke cleared, Pinkie was nowhere to be found.
With a sigh of relief, Celestia headed for the door. That pink pony had uncanny abilities for a seemingly ordinary earth pony, but she was a menace unfit for life in Equestria. She could only hope Twilight and the others would forgive her after. However, to Celestia's horror when she tried the door, it was still locked. "That's impossible!" she exclaimed. The door locked from the outside, and Pinkie had never left the room after kicking Twilight out. She banged desperately on the door. "Twilight? Anypony? HELP!"
And then she heard it. A maniacal laugh that sent shivers down her spine. It was her imagination; it had to be exhaustion. And yet, somehow Celestia knew it wasn't. When she turned around, there would be the pink pony right in front of her face, whispering in her ear...
"That was fun, but now it's time for a real party!"
Celestia screamed.
Pinkie burst out of the room. "She's gone!" she exclaimed.
"Who's gone?" demanded Twilight.
"Celestia! She cast a spell on me, and then she disappeared!"
Pinkie suppressed a giggle as Twilight threw the door open for inspection. "Um Pinkie, why is there a knife and red stuff everywhere in here?" asked the princess.
"Oh, I just wanted to show Celestia how to use food colouring, but she disappeared before I could!"
Twilight nodded. "Oh well, who cares about Celestia? Pinkie Pie, I declare you the new ruler of Equestria in Celestia's place!"
"FUCK YEAH!" screamed Pinkie Pie.
And they all lived happily ever after