Discord Writes a Novel
A “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” Fanfiction
Written by Jade Dawn
“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” is owned by Hasbro. I own none of the characters except the ones I have created for this story.
In a dark, almost pitch-black room, in a secret lair that likely didn't exist up until just before the beginning of this story, a tall, serpentine figure sat hunched over a laptop on a desk, his mismatched fingers tip-tapping away at the keyboard while he stared at the screen with glee.
Finally finished, he leaned back from the computer and observed his work.
"Yeeeeessss..." he said to himself. "At last! My work of art is complete!" He moved the mouse to the top of the screen, went to the "File" menu, and highlighted the "print" option.
"And they said I couldn't do it...but I'll show them! I'll show them all!" He broke out into a rather evil-sounding giggle as he clicked "print".
Off in a corner, a printer suddenly sprang to life, its buttons and screen glowing as it began humming and whirring. The figure rolled his chair over to the printer and laughed maniacally as he watched the pages being spit out onto a tray.
"MmhahahahahahaHAAAA!!! YES!!!" The figure cackled, rubbing his hands together with joy at what he saw. "LIFE! LIFE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! GIVE MY CREATION...LIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!"
Finally, the printer spat out the last piece of paper. There was a "beep", and the screen read "Task Complete".
"Well, that's that," the figure said as he stapled the papers together. "And now, for the final phase of my brilliant scheme..."
Twilight Sparkle enjoyed teaching at the School of Friendship. She really did. But after a long day of teaching and grading and other education-related activities, there was nothing she'd rather do than find a good book to read.
She trotted alongside the many shelves of her castle's library, searching for something that piqued her interest. Finally seeing something ideal, she stopped and pulled out The Complete Works of Lewis Carrot in her telekinetic hold.
A little nonsense never hurt anypony, she thought to herself. She walked over to one of the chairs in the center of the room, made herself comfortable, and opened the book.
She'd barely gotten past the title page when there was a sudden, blaring trumpet blast from right behind her. She yelped and fell flat on her face on the floor.
"Presenting his most chaotic amazingness...DISCORD!!!"
There was a sudden burst of sparks directly in front of her. And when it cleared, there was the Lord of Chaos himself, in all of his mis-matched glory. From nowhere in particular came the sound of a crowd cheering.
"Hellooo, my dearest Princess Twilight!" he said happily as he bent down and shook her hoof like a rag doll. "And how is everypony's favorite ex-librarian doing on this fine day?"
Twilight jerked her hoof away and glared at him. "Well, I was doing fine, until I–"
"Oh, that's nice," Discord interrupted. "Very lovely. Say, by the way..." he snapped his claws, and a crudely stapled sheaf of papers appeared in mid-air beside his head.
"Since you seem to be among the more...book-wise, shall we say, ponies in this town, I thought I'd ask you for a little favor."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "A favor?" She wasn't sure she liked where this was going.
"Yes, that's what I said. Nice way to show you're paying attention. Now, as I was saying, I have decided to take a little wade into the wondrous world of writing..."
"Writing? You mean, like, a novel?"
Discord smiled. "As perceptive as ever, I see. Well, anyway, yes. I've written a novel–well, more of a short-story, really–and I thought maybe you could look it over before I run down to get it published."
Twilight nervously eyed the packet. Discord actually trying to write literature was completely new. But she somehow felt apprehensive about the whole thing.
"Well..." she said, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "I don't know..."
"Oh, come on! It won't take too long!" Discord said, snatching the papers and holding them out too her. "Just skim it over and give me your thoughts."
Discord put a finger to her lips. "No no, shh. Don't talk. Just read. Trust me..." A devilish grin creeped over his face. "You'll love this."
Twilight pushed his finger away and gripped the papers in her magic.
Maybe I'm getting worried for nothing, she thought. You never know, he might actually come up with something decent.
And so, with a reluctant sigh, she began to read.
She regretted it almost immediately.
How Discord saved all the pones and the Princessesses were USELESS (lol XD itz funny because it is TRUe)
once upon a time there was a magical land called EQUESTRIA and it was full of colorful ponies. In equestria lived Discord who was a handsome and awesome draconeques who was the lord of Chaos and was super cool. but the ponies didnt like him because they were jealous of his super cool powers and the bullied him and did mean things like turn him into stone one time.
discord was the opposite of happy at this. e was sad.
'why does no body like me/?' he asked one day as he cried in a corner all by himself because he was lonely. he was so sad that he tried to cut himself on his wrists but did not because he did not want infected
but discord was wrong (but only for this because he is great other times). one pony liked him. her name was Fluttershy. she was a sweet kind pegasus pony with yellow fur and a long flowing pink mane and butterflies for cutie marks.
fluttershy liked discord. she liked him a lot.
'Discord you are the best nobody else thinks so but I think you are the bomb'
discord smiled and said 'at last i have a friend' and they hugged and were happy
but then one day something really bad and scary happened. a whole bunch of air ships came and polluted smoke every where and made the environment people mad. the ships landed and an edgy OC pony named TempestShadow came out. she was dark and goffick and was mean to everybody.
'we gonna take over da world' she said real menacingly
oh yea? shouted princess celestia really loud. well never let you take Equestria!
but then tempest did a flying ninja kick into celestias stomach and she fell down because she was hurt bad
'why am i so useless' celestia said as she cried over how useless she was
'you will pay for hurting up my sister!" shouted princess luna. Luna was goffick too, but not as goffick as tempest was.
tempest grinned and kicked luna in the face and she fell down next to her sister
'your goffickness is no match for mine!!.!' tempest shouted evil-ly.
princess cadance!' shouted luna. 'come and help us!'
cadance did not help because she was too busy kissing her husband who was just as useless as the rest of the ponies
'lets use the elements of harHARmony!' shouted friendship princess Twilight. 'that will stop tempest from being so mean!'
but tempest was very cunning and she had already BLOWN UP THE ELEMENTS!!!!!111!!! (sorry for spolierz). she laughed evil and put all the ponies in jail
but when they went to lock up fluttershy, suddenly DISCORD came in! 'i will do what has to be done by me and RESCUE THE BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!' he shouted heroically.
the TempestMinions tried to fight him, but Discord was too strong and powerful. and they ran off screaming for their mommies
fluttershy said to Discord, "discord you have amazing powers more powerful than the elements and i know you can save us!"
but then tempest saw what happened, and she said too her army "hunt down the discord!" and so they chased after them with dangerous weapons and GUNS. they were bad and killers because guns kill people
fluttershy and discord ran to harbor to find a airship. they founded a really fast and big one but could not get in so they went to find owner, it was here that they were met with TreeHugger who was NewAge hippy pony who talked real slow and newagey.
discord had bad feeling about tree hugger but fluttershy liked her because they both liked animals
fluttershy said "do u know who owns that boat¿"
and tree bugger said "i can like totally get you on"
and so all three of them got onto airship and FLEW OFF just as the bad guy army came
tempest was angry and fired at Will until she felt happier and he was dead, and then turned to minions and said, "we must continue to hunt the down discord!"
while tempest monologged evily, the heroes flew down to clog town, because they could hire mercenaries to be army to help save equestria; they walked into bar that sold BAD DRUGS and WEEDS and they found pirate crew who was looking for work because they were poor like dirt. hot lady parrot captain celAno said "what you want us do??"
and discord told them "we need powerful army to help us to what has do be done by me and fight to save equestria because my best friend Fluttershy is sad and homeless now" and he held up a big bag of bitcoins and cleano say OK
and they went off and boat and went to country of seahorses, because they had heard of mysterious powerful mcguffin that could defeat tempest and save world
while they went, fluttershy and tree hug got closer and closer and they talked about aminals and new age and discord began to feel jealous and alone and he still not trust tee bugger, but when he tried talk fluttersheye about she got angery and said 'discord you should not be jealous because i have more than one friend' and discord was ashamed
when they got to seahorse land, they were met with queen nova who asked them 'why you come to seahorse land?.'
fluttershy said we heard you had powerful device to beat bad guys' and novo said 'yes' and she took out magic pearl and said actually'use this to save world'
but before they could take it, tree hugger STOMPED IT TO DEATH, and queen novo with stormtrooper head said 'TRAITOR MEME'
everyone was shocked and captain say 'why you do this!?"
and with big sinister grin, tree hugger said..........
"BECAUSE I WAS SPY FOR TEMPEST AND BAD GUYS WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!1!;
and fluttershy was sad at betrayal and discord said 'I knew it all long!"
but then tempest and her army came and she said 'good job tree hugger for helping us hunt down discord'
and then celaeno said "ATTACK THE EVIL GUYS" and they all fighted and queen novo hid in spa because she was coward who needed see weed rap.
discord and good guys fought hard but bad guys were too much. then he saw something bad! a minion had grabbed fluttershy!
;leave my friend alone!' discord shouted and charged to save her
but before he could get there, tree hugger bucked him in face and gave him black eye and knocked him down. and she said to him 'discord you have my permission to die' and she THREW HIM OVER EDGE!!!
discord fell down to ground far below and hit REAL hard, and bones and body were broken. bad guys left and put fluttershy in cage and went back to equestria.
as discord lay bloody on ground dying, he said to himself 'I've lost my best friend and now i die all alone......like i always been....."
but when all seemed lost, there was a bright flash of light and silver car came out. and from car out stepped..............MORTY MCFLY!!!!
'who the hay are you?' discord said
and morty said back 'i come from future to help you win! you have super powers far gator than anyone in entire world but you need to use them to save ones u luv!'
'but how?" discord said
and marty smiled and says ' discord you have to believe yourself because friendship is magic!'
and so discord believe in self as hard as could and healed all wounds and started glowing like sun! and he said to forty 'thank you so much!"
see you in future! and he left
discord got up and went back to ship, where crew was surprised an happy and say 'we thought you were died!'
and discord smiled and said 'i know what to do to do what has to be done, and it's time we save the world!"
when they got back to equestria, all the minions were putting the ponies in big pink boxes with fancy letters and plastic windows. discord saw fluttershy about to be put in box and fought at minions to save her.
'discord i knew you would save us all because you are good friend!' and she gave him big hug
when tree hugger and tempest saw discord they were SURPRISED! and hugger say ' you posed to be dead!'
it doesn't matter now!' tempest says with no fear ' the leader is here'
and a big black limousine pulled up, and out stepped the mastermind. the evil man who had diabolical plans to enslave ponies for his own dark deeds...evil writer president corporate see e oh MA LARSON DONALD TRUMP BRIAN GOLDNER!!!!!111
'what is your evil plan for us' said fluttershy full of afriad
and goldner smile and say 'i am to take ponies back to human world and sell to little girls so they can brush manes and paint hooves and fly to castle. and they be popular for older people to make fanfics and anthros!'
and discord grab guns in muscle arms like Chuck Norris, and he say, 'not today, evil man!'
'kill the good guys!' golden shouted. and the bad minions charged
'i find lesser friends!' fluttershy said ' cover me!' and she went off to free other ponies
with his guns and new magic powers, discord fought off all the minions. then tree hugger came at him chanting new age stuff. but before she could hit him, he shot her in leg!
discord pinned tree hugger to ground and shot her over and over
'you betray me!'
'you kidnap friend!'
'YOU BUCKED MY FACE!!!!!'
and he shot her until bad pony and false friend was dead.
'impossIBLE!' shouted brian goldner an girly!''
'its possible because FRIENDSHIP AND GUNS ARE MAGIC!' shouts discord. And with blast of magic energy he VAPORIZED BRIAN AND TEMPEST! and all the minions ran away and peace was re-stored.
'discord you saved us all! we were wrong to bully you!' the ponies said.
'we so sorry!' the rpincesses said
and discord now had lots of friends and was loved by everybody, but mostly by fluttershy and they got married and lived happily ever after in cottage.
thankz for reading and NO FLAME REVIEWS!!!!!!!
For a while, Twilight just stared blankly. She barely even registered when the papers just kind of slipped out of her telekinetic grasp and fluttered down to the floor.
Twilight had read several bad stories in her time. But those had mostly been narrative flow, or pacing, or concepts.
But this...this took it far past eleven and into infinity. The scholar inside her screamed in agony as she had read, before flopping down in twitching spasms whilst frothing at the mouth within the caverns of her psyche.
To put it in simple terms, her mind had been shattered into a thousand pieces, thrown into the sun, and then brought back to Equestria, burned again during re-entry, and buried in the darkest depths of Tartarus.
It was only gradually that her mental functions began to come back online, and it was only then that she began to realize that Discord was talking to her again.
"Soo...what do you think? Quite a riveting piece of literature, eh?"
Her eyes snapped up at him.
Literature? she thought. LITERATURE?!
Now, on almost any other occasion, Twilight would be a lot more gentle with her critiquing. When she had run the Golden Oaks Library, she would sometimes get a foal asking her to look over papers for school, and she would kindly give them advice on grammar, spelling, and the like.
But this was different. This was an abomination on the most heinous levels.
And literature was serious business, after all.
Discord narrowed his eyes. "I'm sorry, what?"
Twilight's faced morphed into an incensed glare. "No. Just...no! This...this is the most Celestia-awful thing I have ever read in my life!!!
She took to the air and got to eye-level with the draconeques. "Literally everything about this story was wrong! The spelling! The grammar! The characterizations!!! This story is one giant guilt-trip for the entire nation! Almost everyone except Fluttershy is a moronic bully or a weakling or an evil henchpony of...of..." she gestured futile to the papers. "I don't even know who that guy is! Half of the references in that story are a complete mystery to me!"
Discord stared at her with a look of faux-indignation. "Well, it's not my fault you don't get around more. If you branched out a little, maybe you'd understand." He picked up the papers and straightened them out. "And honestly, I think this attitude is a little uncalled for. All I wanted was some constructive criticism–"
"Constructive criticism?! It would take an entire demolition crew to fix that thing up!"
"Hey, just because you can't understand the genius of it all doesn't make it bad! And so what if it has problems? Sometimes people love to see stories with a few artistic deviations! Look at My Immortal! Look at Full-Life Consequences! Those stories aren't perfect, and they're massive hits!"
"I have no idea what in the hay you are referring to," Twilight growled.
Discord huffed. "Well, if you're going to act like this..." he bent down and picked up the draft in his paw. "...then I'll just get out of your mane and run down to get this published and–"
"NO!!!" With a speed that even Rainbow Dash would gawk at, Twilight slammed into the doors to the library and blocked them with her body. "As long as I'm a Princess of Equestria, I will not let that...that monstrosity meet anypony else's eyes!"
Discord gasped. "You...you can't do that! This is censorship! It's every writer's bane!"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm sorry, Discord...but I cannot, in good conscience, allow that thing to be published in Equestria."
Discord stared at her and sputtered as though trying to find words. Finally, he glared at her with fury and spat out, "Fine. I'll go and publish this story somewhere else. Maybe Griffonstone. Maybe Klugetown. Or–" He froze, his eyes going wide as an idea sparked into his head.
"No," he said, a rather sinister look appearing on his face. "I know where I can get this published. I know a place where I can get the appreciation this story deserves. I know a place where they'll eat this thing up!"
Before Twilight could stop him, he'd already snapped his fingers and disappeared in a flash of light.
Twilight settled to the ground and did her best to not think about the literary nightmare that she had just endured.
But it did worry her that somebody was going to end up reading that thing.
She just hoped they would have a higher threshold than her.
Discord popped back into reality a few hundred kilometers above the third planet in the Sol system, a habitable planet not unlike Equestria. With a pair of comically oversized binoculars, he scanned the planet's surface, looking for somebody who might suit his needs.
Really, I should have just tried here in the first place, he thought. With the tastes of some of the nut jobs here, it shouldn't be too difficult too...ah-ha!
He finally found what he was looking for in a small suburban house on the upper East coast of the United States. The person in question was a bespectacled, teenage male sitting on a couch with a laptop, occasionally typing but mostly tapping his fingers together or holding his head in his hands.
A quick glance at the computer screen showed that he was on a fanfiction website run by a certain cult commonly referred to as "Bronies".
He'll do quite nicely, Discord thought as we willed away the binoculars. With another snap of his fingers, he teleported himself right into the Brony's house.
The reaction was immediate and (in Discord's humble opinion) rather hilarious; the Brony let out a startled yelp and jumped about a foot or so in the air before beginning to hyperventilate and stammer incomprehensibly at the sight before him.
"Hello, fellow pony-admirer!" Discord shouted with a smile.
The Brony just stared and made a futile effort to form a coherent reply. "Y-you...but...wha–?"
"Well, anyway, getting down to business...I see you're having a little trouble coming up with something to write. Am I correct?" He threw a cursory glance at the Brony's username. Lime Sunrise, or something ridiculous like that.
"Of course you are. Anybody could see that. So what's the problem? Trying to write a side-story while you work on your magnum opus? Had a brush with the feature-box once and trying to regain that glory and attention?"
"Ooh, I know! You wrote a story involving a series of alternate scenarios to the Storm King's invasion, but then everybody kept asking where I was, so you're trying to write something to compensate!"
Quoth the Brony: "Uh..."
"Well, it doesn't matter. I have a little proposal that just might help the both of us!" He snapped his fingers, and the sheaf of papers containing his story dropped into the Brony's lap.
"You see, I tried to get my first novel published back home, but due to certain...complications, I had to find an alternate plan. Which is you. All I want you to do is publish this on that charming little-fansite of yours and give credit to me."
The Brony just blinked.
"I know, I know, it's not the ideal publishing plan, but I want somebody to appreciate my artistic talents. Well, that about sums it up. Adieu!"
With another snap of his fingers, Discord was gone.
For about five minutes or so, the Brony did nothing, opting to merely stare straight ahead at where Discord had been.
Eventually, he looked down at the draft before him, and then back at the laptop.
With a shrug, he created a new story file, and began copying the words from the papers into the document.
"Why not?" he said to himself. "I'm probably going to wake up any moment anyways."
He was quite convinced he was dreaming until he saw the comments section the next morning.