Crazy Cat-Hating Ladies
“I can’t thank you girls enough for helping me, especially at the last minute,” Pinkie Pie said to the three other girls who were with her as she rode a recently inflated balloon like a bucking bronco, bouncing around inside the Canterlot High School gymnasium. She hopped off the balloon and released it, allowing it to float towards the ceiling. Considering that the balloon was filled with Pinkie’s own breath, that should have been impossible, but anyone who knows Pinkie well has learned not to question these shenanigans.
“No problem, Pinks,” her cool yet colorful friend, Rainbow Dash, replied as she swept away various debris scattered all over the gymnasium floor. The floor was littered with burst balloons, shredded paper, and torn streamers. As Dash cleared away the damaged party decorations, Pinkie Pie and their freckled friend Applejack worked to replace them with new and unbroken decorations.
“How in the world did all this happen anyway?” Twilight Sparkle asked as the bespectacled girl used her magic to remove an obliterated paper sign and replace it with a brand new one. The new sign was made of blue paper and read “Wondercolts Spirit Day” in big sunshine yellow letters. “Everything was fine when we left the gym yesterday.”
“I don’t know how, but according the janitor, a bunch of stray cats got in and destroyed everything,” Pinkie answered as she finished blowing up the last of the balloons and began scattering confetti everywhere.
“Ugh!” the three other girls groaned loudly.
“Don’t get me started on cats,” Rainbow Dash grumbled as her mind went to an episode that happened when she volunteered to help Fluttershy out at the animal shelter. She didn’t know how, but the moment Fluttershy left the room, the cats went crazy on her. Luckily, the whole ordeal only cost Dash one set of clothes and a few minor stitches.
“Don’t get me STARTED on cats,” Twilight cried, remembering all the homework assignments and projects that her parents’ cats have ruined over the years.
“Don’t get me started ON cats,” Applejack agreed. Long story short, thanks to an experience last weekend, she was never going to agree to catsit for Rarity ever again.
All four girls let out a sigh and crossed their arms as background music began to play out of nowhere.
“Right now, we’re angry and sad,” Pinkie Pie sang along with the music.
“It’s our right to get righteously mad,” Rainbow Dash continued, putting her right hand on her hip and wagging her left index finger to the beat of the music.
“At every single rotten cat that exists,” sang Applejack.
“Oh gosh, we hate them!” Twilight belted.
“Let’s not distinguish between them at all.”
“Let’s just stuff ourselves with cinna-rolls.” To the surprise of the other girls, Pinkie Pie made a tray of cinnamon rolls appear out of thin air. However, everyone quickly shrugged it off and each took a roll.
“And then high-five each other/As we make a bunch of blanket statements,” all four of them sang as they used their free hands to give each other high fives before breaking out into a choreographed dance routine. “Let's generalize about cats!/Let's generalize about cats!/Let's take one bad thing about one cat/And then apply it to all of them/Let's conflate the felines/Let's generalize about cats!”
“All cats will just make a big mess,” Applejack sang as she bit into her cinnamon roll.
“All cats will ignore all your pets,” Pinkie Pie added.
“There are no exceptions/Every single cat is like this,” Twilight emoted.
“Every single darn cat,” the other three harmonized in agreement.
“All cats are always scratchin’ and fightin’,” Dash continued.
“When given cuddles, every cat will be bitin’,” sang Pinkie Pie.
Twilight’s talking dog Spike chose this point in the song to make himself known as he popped his head out of her backpack, which she had set on the bleachers.
“And why do cats never listen and only think about themselves,” Spike sang before belting loudly, “AS OPPOSED TO DOGS, WHO ALWAYS LISTEN AND NEVER THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES?!”
“Ooh, I hear you, dog!” his human and her friends sang in response before starting another dance routine.
“Let's generalize about cats!/Let's generalize about cats!/Let's devour some pie and then deny,” they sang as Pinkie once again made another tray of baked goods appear out of thin air. “This is a kind of primal ritual we need now and then/Maybe our spirits will rise/If we generalize about cats!”
“All cats are crazy and violent,” sang Pinkie and Dash as they each took a hand pie off the tray.
“Even the ones who are ‘calm and peaceful,’” Twilight and AJ agreed, also taking a hand pie.
“All cats do each and every day/Is break stuff, scratch things, hiss, poop, and barf!” all four of them belted.
“Hey, what about cartoon cats?” Twilight asked as a needle scratch sound effect played in the background. Immediately, two thoughts came to the front of her mind. The first is the Hi Hi Kitty Kitty fangirlism from her childhood that she had yet to completely outgrow. The second is the Korean-French animated series that she and her friends recently started watching that featured a super cute cat-themed superhero.
“Oh no, cartoon cats are fine,” Spike clarified.
“Hey,” Pinkie Pie cried as she pulled out her phone and showed it to her friends. “My Adventure Kitties game just finished a quest.”
“Aww!” the rest of the group cooed.
“Cartoon cats are really great,” Pinkie and Dash sang as the background music resumed. “Every single one.”
“They’re never mean, just sassy/They’re all completely adorable and fun,” Twilight and AJ added.
“So let’s focus for now on real cats,” all four girls sang as they broke out into yet another choreographed dance. “Let’s just generalize about them.”
“They’re all monsters,” sang Dash, pulling up a pant leg to reveal her fading bite scars.
“They’re meanies,” added Pinkie, blowing confetti from her suddenly present party cannons.
“They’re demons,” belted Twilight.
“Totally,” agreed Spike.
“Wait,” said Applejack as another needle scratch sound effect played in the background. “Opalescence is a cat.”
“Rarity’s cat is a demon,” her friends harmonized in response as they all struck a pose.
Applejack blinked a few times in confusion before nodding her head and saying, “Well, yeah, I guess she is, but I’d never say that to Rarity’s face.”