Twilight starts receiving mysterious letters. Who is behind this tomfoolery?
On what begins as a normal day, Twilight Sparkle receives a letter of a romantic and (very) grammatically incorrect nature. With the help of her friends and a newly-discovered book, Twilight sets out to expose the author of this crime and teach them a lesson in proper grammar. And maybe, just maybe, she'll learn a thing or two about romance along the way.
The mail arrived twenty minutes late that day, just as usual.
"Spike!" Twilight Sparkle called from atop her perch, a wobbly stack of books that reached to the highest shelf of the library's bookcase. "Mail's here! Can you run out and get it, please?"
"Sure thing, Twilight!" Spike responded, dashing to the door. "You know that I'm not your..." He paused, raising a claw to scratch his head. "Twilight, what exactly are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just looking for a good book to read for today," Twilight sang. "You know, the usual."
"Yes, I can see that, but, eh..."
"But what?"
"Wouldn't it be just a bit easier to, I dunno, use magic?" said Spike. "Not to mention a liiiittle less dangerous?"
Twilight giggled. "Spike, you worry too much." The tower of books teetered to the right. Spike winced and shielded himself from the possible collapse, but a quick shift of balance on Twilight Sparkle's behalf corrected the threat. "You see? They don't call me Tricky Twilight for nothing!"
Spike smacked his face with his palm. "Nopony calls you Tricky Twilight," he deadpanned.
"Just let me have my fun, will you?"
The dragon rolled his eyes and continued to the mailbox, leaving Twilight alone with her stack of books. She refocused on the row of tomes in front of her, eyes skimming over the bindings. She couldn't help but smile as she did—there was so much literature, so much learning all in one place, and none of it was more than a hoof's reach away. It was a paradise of words, and she was ready to bask in their meanings
"Now, let's see here," she spoke to herself. "A Prelude to Celestia's Empire? Nah, read it too many times. The Creatures of the Everfree? Too Fluttershy. Naked Singularity? Too Rarity. Wait... what's this?" Her hoof paused on a book that appeared unfamiliar, and seemed old enough to predate Ponyville itself. Its binding had worn thin from the passage of time, its pale violet hue indicative of a better time. Twilight Sparkle removed the book from its spiderweb prison and brushed a crusty layer of dust from its cover. When the book's identity refused to reveal itself, she let loose a mighty blow, releasing fumes of all sorts into the air around her, along with a faint musky scent. Some of the fumes found their way into the maw of Twilight Sparkle, triggering a bout of coughing that almost sent the librarian to her doom. When the dust settled and the tower of books righted itself once again, the title of the ancient Equestrian text made itself visible to the world at last.
"What in the...?"
"Twilight!" Spike shouted, swinging the front door open with all his strength. The door hit the wall with a mighty thud, shaking the very foundations of the Treebrary.
Twilight Sparkle, still atop her precarious perch, stood no chance.
Spike backed away as he watched the tower collapse in what felt like slow motion. The first tome slipped out from under Twilight Sparkle's hooves and careened off the bookcase which she faced. She fell back first upon the next volume beneath her, causing the less-than-stoic structure to fall to pieces. Books flew in each and every way, a spiraling mare in the center of it all, sounding the name of her assistant at the top of her lungs.
There was a crash, followed by a cloud of dust, and then all was still.
After the ensuing crash had finally ceased, Spike drew the courage to open his eyes and survey the massacre that he had caused. Casualties were strewn about the battlefield, the victims contorted in ways that would have caused their owner to turn away. At the center of it all, an old and ragged book lay shut, a groaning Twilight Sparkle next to it.
"Twilight? Are you o—"
"Yes."
The dragon jumped. "Are... are you sure?"
"Just start cleaning this up. Now."
Spike gulped. "Yes, Twilight..." He looked around the room. "But, er, where should I start, exactly?"
Out of nowhere, a book encased with a lavender hue smacked Spike in the face and fell into his claws.
"Equestrian Architecture and You: Why One Should Never Possess a Door that Swings Open to Slam the Wall," Spike read. Twilight Sparkle slowly sat up, a fire in her eyes that Spike had witnessed only once before. The corners of his mouth curved upwards in a nervous smirk, as he knew he was walking on thin ice. "Heh. Pretty funny, don't you think so, Twilight?"
The ice broke.
"Spike..."
There was a long silence as Twilight's expression changed from one of anger to a thoughtful one. Spike, who had recoiled instinctively, stood back up to his full height and scratched his head with a single claw.
"Twi—"
"Hang on!" Twilight interrupted. "I'm thinking."
"Of... what, exactly?"
"Well, in most pony cultures, I have noticed that it is widely considered customary for a parent and/or legal guardian to refer to a child by their full name while scolding them. It is a way for the elder to express their dominance and superiority over the younger, and also creates a sense of fear in the younger specimen, as shown by your immediate recoiling. This hammers the message home more clearly and decreases the probability of the incident in question from happening a second time."
Spike's eye twitched.
"But the more I think about it," Twilight continued, "the harder it is for me to get even an inkling as to what your surname is."
"I, er," Spike stammered. "I don't think I even have a last name."
"Oh," Twilight frowned. "Well, that puts a damper on things. Here I was, thinking that I was going to get a chance to test the things I learned from that parenting book, but—"
"Woah, woah, woah. Parenting book?"
"Well, yeah, I figured that—"
"Never mind!" said Spike. "So... you're not mad?"
Twilight shrugged. "Not particularly. It was my own fault for trying something as dangerous as that. Plus, it was all worth it in the end! I found this dusty old book on the top shelf. Check it out!"
Twilight hovered the book that sat next to her into Spike's face, eagerly awaiting his response. The dragon had to squint to read the ancient and faded print.
"Equestrian 3200: Every Pony's Guide to the Basics of Grammar," Spike said hesitantly. "This is your big find?"
Twilight set the book aside and shoved her smiling face inches from Spike's widened eyes. "Yes, isn't it amazing?" she chirped. "Just think of all the possibilities for this wondrous find!"
"Yeah, sure, great. Shouldn't I get to cleaning now?"
Twilight frowned. "You're never excited with my finds." She cast the book aside and snatched the small pile of envelopes from Spike's hand that both of them had seemed to have forgotten. "But yes, you should get back to work. Here's a broom."
The broom blindsided Spike and the dragon got to cleaning up the library without a complaint. Twilight returned her attention to the stack of letters in front of her and began to casually flip through them.
"Now, let's see. Bill... a notice from the town hall... another bill... a letter from Shiny... a sloppily-written letter with no return address... another bill." She paused. "Wait a second." She flipped back to the fifth letter, which, as she had noticed, lacked the return address that usually adorned the upper left-hand corner. It also lacked the protective casing of an envelope, and instead appeared to be a single sheet of brown parchment folded into thirds.
But what alarmed her most was the name of the pony on the front of it.
twilite sparkel
Twilight lurched back, as if she had been slapped.
"Spike?" she called. "Did you happen to see anypony... suspicious when you went out to get the mail?"
"Nope," Spike answered mid-sweep. "I just saw Derpy flying towards Applejack's. She looked like she was in a hurry, but that's not anything new, I suppose. Why do you ask?"
"Because," Twilight said, turning her attention back to the atrocity that hovered before her. "This." She levitated the letter over to Spike's claws. Spike glanced over the letter, turning it each and every way before giving a shrug of the shoulders.
"It's just a personal letter," Spike concluded. "I don't see what's so bad about it."
"They spelled my name wrong, Spike! Who knows what sort of atrocities await us on the inside?"
Spike sighed. "Look, Twilight, I know this kind of thing is important to you, but I bet it's just one of the schoolfoals over at Miss Cheerilee's writing you a thank-you card or something. Just shake it off, really."
Twilight snatched the letter out of Spike's clutches. "Okay, Spike. If you say so. Here goes nothing..."
Slowly, she peeled back the folds in the parchment, opening it to its full extent. A stain of what appeared to be drool decorated the bottom corner. Fearing the worst, Twilight turned the letter over and read its message.
It was worse than she could have ever anticipated.
A shrill shriek echoed through the Treebrary, causing Spike to jump several feet into the air. Twilight's ears were folded back in fear, the source of her fright held far away from her eyes.
"Twilight, what in Celestia's name was that for?"
Twilight merely shivered and raised a hoof to point at the floating letter. Cautiously, Spike tiptoed towards it, expecting an explosion of some sort, or something of an equally hazardous nature.
Instead, there were simply two words.
Two horrible, awful words.
your beutifull
All was silent. Twilight Sparkle's right eye twitched relentlessly as she continued to shiver. It was as if she were gazing upon Pinkie Pie's infamous "Souffle Surprise"—it was something so terrible, so hideously retching, so downright disgusting, yet she couldn't find a way to avert her gaze. It was disastrous. A crime, even.
Spike burst out laughing.
"Spike!" Twilight shouted, blushing profusely. She quickly closed the letter and cast it aside. "How disrespectful of you!"
The dragon clutched his sides and breathed heavily. "Sorry, Twilight," said Spike. "I guess that's just the last thing I expected to see on the letter, is all. You made it sound like it was something terrifying!"
"But it is!" Twilight protested. "Just look at it! Look at it!" The parchment flew directly into Spike's face.
"Oh, come on, Twilight, it's just a mushy love letter," said the dragon as he brushed the paper off of his face.
Twilight's body went rigid as a chill went through her bones. "A love... letter?"
"Well, yeah, it's not like ponies just anonymously leave letters saying 'you're beautiful' if they don't have romantic intentions," Spike explained. "What else could it be?"
"Spike, this is awful! Don't you see? They didn't even spell my name right on the front!"
"It could be anypony, really. Big Macintosh is pretty quiet, you never know what he's got on his mind..."
"And on top of it, they didn't even capitalize it! Doesn't everypony know that proper nouns should be capitalized?"
"Or that clockmaker downtown—what was his name again? Ah, yes, Doctor Whooves, that's right. He's pretty cool."
"And then there's this message on the inside: 'your beutifull'. First off, that's the wrong form of 'you're'..."
"And what about Comet Tail? I bet he heard you like stargazing and he just went from there."
"...'your' indicates possession, while 'you're' is a contraction of the words 'you' and 'are'. This would have been the correct choice in this context."
"It could always be a mare, though, you can never quite tell with them..."
"They also misspelled 'beautiful'. B-e-a-utiful, that's what Professor Whiteboard always taught us up in Canterlot."
"Carrot Top is a nice mare. Pretty, too. Oh, what about Roseluck? I've heard rumors that she's had her heart set on finding a marefriend as of late."
"And to top it all off, there's no punctuation whatsoever! How unprofessional! That's hardly acceptable in a simple memo, let alone a letter of love!"
"What if it's one of the other Elements of Harmony? Ooh, that'd be juicy. Just as long as it's not Rarity, then—"
"For the love of Celestia, Spike! Have you been listening to a single word I've been saying this entire time?"
"Sorry, Twilight," Spike apologized. "I guess I just got a little carried away, is all."
"You think?"
"Well, think about it, Twilight! You've spent all this time in Ponyville, but you haven't had a single stallionfriend or marefriend yet! Don't you think it's about time you came out of your shell and started looking for someone to spend your time with other than the friends you've made? Romance is just a serious friendship, after all."
Twilight nodded. "That may be true, Spike, but there are more important things to be taken care of right now."
"Such as?"
"Grammar."
"Grammar?" Spike whined.
"Grammar," Twilight confirmed. "Look at this. Violations of rules everywhere! It almost hurts to look at!" A sly grin came across the librarian's face as she turned to her assistant. "I think, my dear friend, you know what needs to be done."
"You're going to find out who wrote this letter and go on a date with them?" Spike hopefully suggested.
"Wrong," Twilight Sparkle said, stamping her hoof on the ground. "I think it's about time I taught good old Ponyville a lesson in grammar—Sparkle style."
"I was afraid of that," Spike sighed, lowering his head. "Shall I get the parchment?"
"And the quills," Twilight confirmed. "Lots of them." Her gaze fell on her newly-discovered book and smiled. She knew it would be her greatest ally on the journey she was about to embark on. She levitated the book to her side, her eyes narrowed in determination.
"Alright, Ponyville. Prepare to get schooled."
And so began another day in the town known as Ponyville.
"You have got to be pullin' on my leg." Applejack rested her head between her hooves on the apple cart, her hat slowly sliding down her mane. She shook her head before speaking again. "Twilight, you've had some ridiculous ideas before, but this one takes the cake."
Twilight frowned through the bite of an apple. "Come on, Applejack," she protested. "Don't you get what this could do for Ponyville? Just think about it—a world without any grammatical or spelling errors anywhere. No more confusions among businesses! No more indecipherable notices on the bulletin! No more spelling mistakes to make me cringe wherever I go!" She sighed. "Oh, just the thought of it is beyond my wildest dreams. You understand... don't you, Applejack?"
"Convention," Twilight corrected. "It's a convention. The Conventions Convention, to be specific. Isn't that clever?"
Applejack groaned. "Well, to anypony who knows what in Equestria you're talking about, yes, I suppose it is. But the truth is, well... how do I put this lightly?"
"Hey, what's the holdup?" an earth pony called from somewhere in the sizable line that had formed behind the librarian. "Some of us are on a schedule, you know!" Several grumbles of agreement sifted through the line.
"My apologies!" Applejack called to the unsatisfied customers. "I guess some of us just don't understand that this is a business being run here, and not a social gathering!" She shot a glance a Twilight, who gave a nervous smile.
"Alright, I can take a hint," she said. "Spike, do you have any of those flyers ready yet?"
"Three," the previously silent dragon grumbled. "It's hardly enough to—"
"Okaythanksbye! Be right back, Applejack!" Twilight sprinted to the middle of town square, simultaneously snatching the three completed notices from the dragon's claws. The sudden jerk caused Spike's quill to slip, leaving a stray mark of ink on the parchment he had been working on. In a huff, he crumpled the parchment up and threw it behind him, where it landed with a clunk in the trash can across the street.
"Nice shootin', Tex," Applejack complimented, giving a smile.
Spike huffed and crossed his arms, a puff of smoke escaping one of his nostrils.
"So, what's the deal with our little prodigy this time?" Applejack quipped between serving customers. "I mean, she's always been sort of a stickler with grammar, but this is a bit over the top, don't you think?"
"You're telling me," Spike agreed. "Honestly, one horribly written love letter riddled with errors, and she's all up in arms and ready to teach Ponyville as if the fate of Equestria depended on it."
Applejack nearly fell face-first into the pie that her most recent customer had ordered. "Heh, sorry. I must have misheard you there Spike. I could have sworn that you just said something about Twilight getting a love letter."
"You didn't," said Spike. "And I did. Anonymous, too. You should've seen the look on her face when she read the letter. I thought her mane was going to catch on fire again."
A chill visibly went up Applejack's spine, almost causing her to spill a batch of apple crisp. "Spike. What... exactly did this letter say? Are you sure it was a love letter, and not just Twilight overreacting like she normally does?"
Spike shrugged. "It just said 'you're beautiful'. Spelled incorrectly, of course. I might not know a whole lot about romance or anything, but I'm smart enough to know when one pony's showing interest in another."
Ignoring a customer's request, Applejack rapidly spun to Spike's eye level and grasped his cheeks with her hooves. "Spike," she began, speaking with the urgency of a mailmare running late. "I need you to listen very closely to what I'm about to say. Do you understand?"
Spike, eyes widened, nodded.
"Good. Now, listen. I think we might have a huge problem on our hooves here."
"I'm lithnig," Spike replied through clamped cheeks.
"Alright. Here's the thing. Twilight might know almost everything there is to know about magic, Equestria, and any one of those fancy gadgets she's got in her basement, but she knows as much about romance as a snake knows about walkin' on four legs. Heck, I've seen her break stallions' hearts just because she didn't know that they were trying to ask her out on a date! I'm no hopeless romantic like our friend Rarity, but I at least know the basics of dealing with a pony that's after your heart!"
"I don thee what thith hath to do with the conventhun," Spike spat before breaking away from Applejack's grip. "Don't get me wrong, it's a crazy idea, but it's just a grammar thing. The letter's just what made her do it."
Applejack groaned. "Spike, you said it yourself. If she's really that upset about the letter, she might end up... oh, I don't know, using it as an example or something. One way or another, the news of the letter's gonna get out because Twilight doesn't understand how to deal with this kind of thing. How would you feel if you wrote a letter like that to Rarity and she showed it to everyone, even if they didn't know it was you?"
Spike shot into the air and shrieked. "What are you talking about? I don't like Rarity!" he panicked. "It's not like I think she's the most beautiful mare in Ponyville and that I think about her all the time or anything! I mean, heh, come on, Applejack. She's a pony and I'm a dragon. That's just silly, right?"
Applejack couldn't help but crack a smile. "Whatever you say, killer. I'm just being hypoth... I'm just using an example. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Sort of." Spike scratched his chin. "I guess it would be pretty embarrassing for someone to read a love letter I wrote to Rarity—not that I would ever do anything like that, of course."
"Right. So do you get why this is such a problem?"
"Yes, I get it. But what do we do?"
Applejack didn't have the chance to answer.
"I'm back!" Twilight chirped, panting. "Whew! Posting flyers really can take it out of you if you're sprinting around town. I gotta hand it to you, though, Applejack, you took care of all those customers pretty quickly!"
A puzzled look made its way onto Applejack's face. "What're you talkin' about, Twi? There's still quite a few—" She paused, looking for the line of customers that had occupied the space in front of her apple cart, but they had seemed to have vanished into thin air. "Oh, consarn it."
"So, Spike, do you have any more flyers ready?"
"Not yet, Twilight. I was talking to Applejack."
"Well, get back to work! We aren't going to get anywhere just standing around!" Twilight scolded. Spike frowned and set the quill to the parchment, grumbling once again. "So, Applejack, I have something I need to ask you. A favor, if you will."
"And just what would that be?" Applejack asked.
"Well, as I told you earlier, I'm hosting the Conventions Convention at Town Hall later this week. Since I want as many ponies to come as possible, I was hoping that you might be able to cater the event?" She gave a massive smile. "Pleeeeeease?"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you have Pinkie Pie do it?"
"Well, I just thought... that ponies would be more interested in apples on a Friday night, you know?"
"Twilight, this doesn't have anything to do with that advertisement of mine that I posted on the bulletin last week, does it?" Applejack inquired. "You know, the one you rewrote without asking because it was 'covered in so many errors'?"
"What? Oh, no no no no no," Twilight insisted. "It's just that, well... I might have already written it down on the flyer that you're catering."
"You cannot be serious," Applejack deadpanned. "Twilight, please tell me you're joking."
Twilight shook her head with a nervous smile.
Applejack shot a look at Spike. "Spike, please tell me she's lying."
"Um... she's lying?"
Applejack gave a deep sigh. "And I promised Apple Bloom I'd take her and her friends kite flying this Friday," she mused. "That reminds me, Apple Bloom said I needed to buy some really strong rope. I suppose I could ask Rarity to do it, though. Plus, it would probably be good for business..." She thought for a few seconds before nodding. "Alright, Twilight, you've got yourself a deal."
Applejack found herself being twirled around in a circle shortly after, a purple blur filling her vision.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh, thank you Applejack! You have no idea how much this means to me!"
"—on one condition," Applejack uttered between spins.
Twilight halted her celebration, allowing a dizzy Applejack to tumble to the ground. "What was that?"
"I'll cater for your little Convention on one condition," Applejack repeated. "You see, Spike here told me about the little love letter you received today."
Twilight's ears perked up. "Oh, he did, did he?" She narrowed her eyes at Spike, who hid himself behind the parchment, scribbling furiously.
"Yes, he did," Applejack continued. "And listen, I get how much it frustrates you, but no matter what, you cannot talk about it at the Convention."
"Why not?" Twilight asked, puzzled. "I had a speech centered around it in which I would show all the mistakes and—"
"Twilight," Applejack interrupted. "Listen to me. That is a very, very, very bad idea. I know the bad grammar and whatnot upsets you, but if you show everypony a letter that was meant to be a secret, you could end up hurting somepony's feelings really badly."
"But it was sooo bad," Twilight whined.
"Yes, I know," Applejack retorted, "but you need to find other ways to teach ponies that don't involve embarrassing them in front of the entire town. Haven't you ever had a secret you've never wanted anypony else to know?"
Twilight blushed.
"I thought so. So do you promise not to use that letter? No matter what?"
"I suppose I could always use your advertisement from last week..."
Applejack took a deep breath. "Sure. Yes. Whatever. Use it a hundred times if you need to. Just don't use the love letter. Promise?"
"I promise!"
"Pinkie promise?"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Good. Then in that case, I look forward to seeing you at the Conventions Convention on Friday, Miss Sparkle." Applejack held out a hoof, which Twilight took in return.
"And you as well, Miss Applejack," Twilight replied, giggling. "I think Spike and I need to get going now. We've got lots of work to do to prepare!"
"I bet you do. Have a good one, Twilight!"
"You too, Applejack!"
Twilight trotted off, humming a tune, with Spike still standing at Applejack's side.
"You aren't really excited for the Conventions Convention, are you, Applejack?" Spike moaned.
"Heavens to Betsy, no. But let's just keep that our little secret, shall we?"
A smile was exchanged between the two before Spike ran off, parchment and quill in hand, ready to perform whatever demeaning tasks Twilight had in store for him next.
When the two were out of earshot, Applejack looked back and forth between the nearly-full shelves of goods that decorated her apple cart. She bit her lip as she imagined the hours of hard work and care put into making them as delicious as possible, all lost because of a simple distraction.
"Oh, shucks. Big Mac and Granny are gonna have my head on a silver platter for this."
-- -- --
Rainbow Dash could see it now—the finish line, her key to glory, only a hundred meters ahead of her. She couldn't see anything behind her, but she didn't have to look to know she was several body lengths ahead of the closest racer. Even Spitfire, who was the clear favorite for the Derby, didn't stand a chance against her unparalleled awesomeness.
She crossed the line to be greeted with cheers louder than she had ever imagined. Confetti rained down from the heavens like the most soothing rain, drenching her in delight and fame. She put a hoof to her ears as the crowd chanted her name over and over again like some sort of harmonious chorus.
She looked over her shoulder and saw a news reporter approaching her. Of course, she thought. Who wouldn't want to interview the fastest pegasus in the world?
She stood tall and proud as the reporter approached. Rainbow Dash felt like she was on top of the world. She was ready for any question, no matter how difficult, and she would answer it with the utmost confidence. It would be a cool answer, an awesome answer, one that would be remembered for ages.
"So, you've come to interview me?" Rainbow asked. She almost laughed. Why else would this pony be here?
The reporter nodded.
"Let me have it," Rainbow challenged. "I'm ready for whatever you've got."
"Blossomforth, that's a terrible idea!" the reporter screamed.
"Um, what? Sorry, but that's not exactly a question."
"I said, that's a terrible idea!"
Rainbow Dash shot up from her makeshift bed—a comfortable cloud that hovered above Ponyville—and looked for the source of her alarm. Below her, two ponies from the weather team, Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth, appeared to be quarreling. Very loudly.
Un-awesome.
"Hey, what gives?" Rainbow Dash called, gaining the attention of the pair. "I'm trying to get my afternoon nap here!"
"Sorry, Rainbow Dash," Cloud Kicker apologized, albeit halfheartedly. "It's just that Blossomforth here wants to go to some grammar convention this Friday. How lame can you get?"
"Heh, yeah, that is pretty lame," Rainbow Dash agreed as she touched down next to her friends. She yawned and stretched her wings before folding them back to her sides. "Who in their right mind organizes a grammar convention for fun, anyways?"
"I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count."
"Twilight?"
"We have a winner!" Cloud Kicker declared. "I saw her running around and putting these up earlier today. I don't get why she was so excited for something like this. Seriously, Rainbow Dash, why do you hang out with her sometimes? She seems like a real egghead."
"She is an egghead," Rainbow Dash agreed, "but she's actually pretty cool once you get to know her. A good friend, too. So hey, move out of the way. Let me take a look at this flyer."
Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth obediently stepped aside for Rainbow Dash. Rainbow squinted her eyes at the faded parchment and read:
Come one, come all, to Ponyville's very first...
Conventions Convention!
Ever wanted to learn more about proper grammar? Now's your chance! Meet this Friday at 6:00 PM in Town Hall to be wowed by the wonders of our language! No RSVP necessary, just show up and be ready to learn!
Catering to be provided courtesy of Sweet Apple Acres.
Rainbow Dash burst out laughing. "Okay, that really is lame," she concluded. "Looks like Applejack's in on it too, though. Huh."
"What? Where does it say that?" Cloud Kicker asked.
"Right here. It says that Sweet Apple Acres is bringing food, which I'm pretty sure means that Applejack will be there."
"Hm. You know what, Blossom? I have had a bit of a craving for apple pie lately."
Blossomforth grinned. "Oh, Cloudy! So does that mean you'll go with me?"
"Well," Cloud Kicker pondered. "Sure. I guess. If anything, we'll get a good laugh out of Twilight Dorkle up there."
Blossomforth embraced her friend. "Oh, thank you, Cloudy! Thank you so much!"
"Don't call me that."
"There's just one thing I don't get," Rainbow Dash said. "Why in the world would Twilight bring this up so suddenly? I mean, sure, she's corrected my grammar more than a couple times, but it's never seemed like that big of a deal to her."
"Well," Blossomforth began, "a little birdie told me that Twilight got a love letter today. Not just from any pony, either. It was from a secret admirer! Apparently, it was so badly misspelled that she just had to do something to bring justice back to the written word."
Rainbow Dash jumped as if she had sat upon a bramble patch. "Um... where exactly did you hear this, Blossomforth?" she questioned, sweating slightly.
"Yeah, Blossom, that's kind of a far-fetched explanation, don't you think?"
"I just told you. A little birdie told me!" Blossomforth replied. "That one, to be precise." She pointed to a portly cardinal resting upon the sign of a nearby store. "His name is Mister Chubs!"
"Heh, yeah, that is pretty silly," Rainbow Dash said, backing away from the pair slowly. "Tell you what. You two have your fun, I've gotta go take care of some... things."
Cloud Kicker shrugged. "Alright, Rainbow. See you later."
"Okayseeyoubye!" Rainbow Dash took to the skies, her telltale rainbow streak trailing behind her. In seconds, her figure was but a speck on the horizon.
"Jeesh, what's got her tail all twisted?" Cloud Kicker wondered aloud. "She was acting pretty... uncool, and for Rainbow Dash, that's saying something."
"Should we ask Mr. Chubs?" Blossomforth suggested.
Cloud Kicker sighed, laying a hoof on Blossomforth's shoulder.
"Blossom, it's a good thing you're a looker," she said.
All he had wanted was to have a perfectly lazy Tuesday afternoon. Tuesdays were almost always the easiest days of the week for him, since Twilight was usually off spending time with her friends and thinking about what she had learned about friendship over the course of the past week. He had had his perfect day off all planned out: he would start with a simple nap to catch up on some much-needed sleep, eat some of the succulent gems he had been saving up, read the latest Daring Do and talk with Rainbow Dash about how incredibly cool it was, nap again, and top it all off with a visit to Rarity's, where he would surely win her heart over with his charm and quick wit. Was that really too much to ask for?
Apparently, to his best friend, it was.
Normally, he would be all for helping out Twilight with whatever needed doing. It was his job, after all, and as he knew, work always came before pleasure. But ever since that love letter from Tartarus made its way into Twilight's hooves, he had felt more like Twilight’s prisoner than an assistant.
With a flick of the wrist and a wince, he finished the next flyer and handed it off to his jailer.
"Thanks, Spike," Twilight said, more by force of habit than anything else. "That's fifty-seven flyers already! Keep up the good work."
"But Twilight," Spike whined, "don't you think that's enough? I think I'm building up a serious writer's cramp over here." He twisted his wrist and his joints gave a satisfying crack. "Besides, we've already covered most of Ponyville with these stupid flyers already. Can't we just go home?"
"Exactly. Most of Ponyville," Twilight emphasized as she finished pasting the latest flyer to a nearby house. "We've still got a little bit more to go before we've covered every optimal position in town. Now, come on, Spike. One more flyer couldn't possibly hurt."
Spike ground his teeth together as another piece of paper was thrust into his claws. If only he were a little older... "How much farther to we have to go, anyways?"
"We're almost finished, I promise," Twilight said sincerely, chuckling to herself. "You know, with that attitude you've got going right about now, I think where we're headed might be the perfect place to be."
"Home?" Spike grumbled.
Twilight frowned. "Home will come soon enough, Spike. Trust me. This is our last stop, but it'll be an important one."
"And where exactly would that be?" Spike asked with false curiosity, his eyes still focused on the paper in front of him.
"Right here!" Twilight declared, swinging the door wide to their next destination. "Spike, welcome to Sugarcube Cor..." In an incidence that would surely go down in Ponyville's own history books, Twilight Sparkle was left speechless. The Sugarcube Corner she had expected to see was nowhere to be found, a chaotic mess taking its place. Dozens of tables had been overturned, with chairs scattered every which way across the room. Napkins rained slowly and steadily throughout the wreckage, covering the floor in a blanket of white.
"... ner."
"Twilight, what are you—" Spike began before his face froze in the same expression of terror as his companion's. "Twilight?"
"Yes, Spike?"
"What exactly happened here?"
"You know what, Spike? I have no idea." Twilight swiveled her head every which way, still stunned by the positively monumental amount of destruction that decorated the bakery. "I mean, Pinkie Pie is hardly the tidiest mare we know, and I'm sure the twins don't help with the cleanliness around here. But this? This is just..."
"A disaster," Spike finished. "Twilight, help. I can't look away."
"Quit being ridiculous and help me find Pinkie," Twilight commanded. "The sooner we find her and talk to her, the sooner we can go home." As she regained her senses, the muffled sound of whispering caught her ear. She turned to the source, hoping to find Pinkie Pie along with it. Sure enough, a puffy pink tail was protruding out from behind the bakery's counter. "Pinkie Pie? Is that you?"
In a flurry of motion that only a pony named Pinkie Pie could possibly perform, the tail's owner dashed between Twilight Sparkle and Spike, putting her forelegs around their shoulders and pulling them close in the infamous Pinkie Pie Chokehold.
"Twilight! And Spike!" she squealed. "How oh-so-very nice of you to come visit! And on such a short notice, too!"
"Uh, yeah. Good to see you too, Pinkie," Twilight said. It was strange, she thought. Pinkie had never complained about the two of them dropping in uninvited before. Heck, Twilight even thought she preferred it that way. She did throw about half a dozen surprise parties every week, after all. "Say, were you... talking to somepony back there? Behind the counter?"
In a motion just as swift as the previous, Pinkie sped back over to the counter, leaving Twilight and Spike in the dust. "Nnnnopers!" Pinkie responded, an abnormally large grin on her face. "No ponies back here! Just yours truly, holding down the fort before closing time."
"But, Pinkie," Twilight insisted. "I specifically heard you whispering to somepony when I walked in here." She raised an eyebrow. "Is there someone... hiding back there?"
Twilight craned her neck around the corner to get a peek, but Pinkie moved her head to block the view. "Nope, that was just Gummy. Not anypony else, and definitely not Rainbow Dash! Could you imagine? Rainbow Dash, hiding behind the counter! That would just be silly, now, wouldn't it?"
Twilight wore a quizzical look on her face before she broke out in giggles. "Yeah, I guess it would be. I should have just assumed that you were holding a normal conversation with your alligator, since that makes so much sense."
“You got it, Twilight! Yup, that’s exactly what was happening. And boy, does Gummy like to talk. He can be a real gabby gums sometimes, though. Always spreading gossip and... hey! Maybe that’s where Apple Bloom and the others got the name for their column!”
“I bet you’re right, Pinkie.” Twilight once again surveyed the wreckage around her before turning back to Pinkie Pie, the suspicious grin on the baker’s face returning. "So, Pinkie... what exactly happened here?"
Pinkie Pie looked around the bakery confusedly, as if upside-down tables and napkin flooring was the norm at the Cake household.
"Oh, you mean these?" Pinkie finally replied, gesturing to a tray of cupcakes on display inside the counter. Each was topped with grey frosting and several little dollops of white. "I call them Cutie Cakes! Personalized cupcakes with your own cutie mark on them." She playfully nudged Twilight's ribs, startling the unicorn. "Pretty creative, huh?"
Twilight blinked slowly. "Yes. Very... creative, Pinkie," she admitted. "But what about the mess around here? Aren't things a little out of order?"
Pinkie began to sweat as she frantically looked around the room. "Oh, this? It's nothing. Just a little result of some playtime with the twins. I mean, what did you think happened? Did you think that Rainbow Dash just fell out of the sky and crashed right into everything or something? That's prepostefluous, isn't it, Twilight?"
“You mean ‘preposterous’ or ‘superfluous’,” Twilight corrected. “But in this context, preposterous would be the appropriate word. It means that something is absurd or ridiculous. Superfluous, on the other hoof, means that something is unnecessary. Though I suppose you could call this mess superfluous to an extent...”
“Exactly!” Pinkie Pie popped up behind Twilight’s shoulder. “Prepostefluous! Jeez, and here I thought you were some sort of word wizard or something.”
Twilight let out a deep breath. The cause of the mess was still bothering her, but she decided to let it go for the time being. She obviously wasn’t going to get an answer that made any sort of sense from the earth pony anyways, but that was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. “Listen, I'm forgetting why I came here in the first place. Do you think you could do a favor for me, Pinkie?"
Pinkie smiled. A more genuine smile, Twilight thought. "Of course, Twilight! You know I'm always up to helping out my friends."
"Thanks, Pinkie. I knew I could count on you." Twilight opened her mouth to tell her tale and caught a scrutinizing glance from Spike in the corner of her eye. One that warned her to not leave out certain details. "So, anyways, I got a letter this morning. And not just any letter! You wouldn't believe it, it was..."
-- -- --
"Is she gone?" Rainbow Dash whispered from her hiding place behind the counter.
"Yup! The coast is clear, Dashie!" Pinkie assured. Rainbow Dash groaned as she untangled herself from her previous position, stretching her limbs and wings out in the process. Pinkie Pie watched Rainbow Dash carefully, unable to shake the feeling that something seemed off about the pegasus. Barging into Sugarcube Corner unannounced and knocking everything over in a crash landing was strange enough, but her insistence to hide her from Twilight was just downright strange.
And it took a lot to make Pinkie Pie think of something as strange.
"What's going on, Rainbow Dash?" Pinkie asked.
"Huh?" Rainbow responded. "Whaddya mean, Pinks? I'm right here. You know, at Sugarcube Corner. With you. That's what's going on."
"Not that. I mean, what's the matter?" Pinkie clarified. "You're acting all tense and kooky. And the Rainbow Dash I know isn't tense or kooky, let alone both at the same time." She held out a chocolate chip cookie to Rainbow Dash. Besides laughter, she knew that sweets were the best medicine, especially for a troubled mind. "You need a cookie, kooky?"
Rainbow didn't even smirk. "No, I don't need a cookie, Pinkie Pie. And don't call me that. Just let me pay for the Cutie Cakes and I'll get out of your mane, alright? I've already caused enough trouble here." She nodded to the mess her crash landing had caused. "I mean, look at this. Not one of my better landings, if I do say so myself."
“Well, no, definitely not. Even I could tell that you were off-balance, trying way too hard to go fast without thinking ahead, and—” Pinkie Pie shook her head and sprinted over to Rainbow Dash, blocking her path. "Hey! No fair! You were just trying to distract me so you could leave!”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Um, what? I just want to get going, Pinkie, that’s all.”
“Well, you’re not going anywhere until I figure out what’s on your mind! What kind of a friend would I be if I just let you leave without trying to make you feel better?”
"There's nothing—"
"And don't try and lie and say that there isn't anything wrong with you!" Pinkie Pie interrupted. "Something's bugging you, Rainbow Dash, and as resident party pony and your best friend, it's my job to make you turn that frown upside down!"
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and brushed Pinkie Pie aside with nonchalance.
"Come on, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie Pie pleaded. "I just want to help."
Rainbow Dash huffed and closed her eyes in exasperation. If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought Persistence was Pinkie's middle name. Pinkamena Persistence Pie. It was almost enough to make Rainbow Dash crack a smile.
Almost.
"Pinkie Pie, really, there’s nothing going on that you need to worry about right now," Rainbow stated. "I’m doing fine, alright? And besides, we’re best friends. Don’t you think that if something was up I’d tell you?”
"I... guess so,” Pinkie Pie conceded. She knew Rainbow Dash wasn’t exactly lying, but something about the way she was acting seemed fishy, to say the least. “You said there’s nothing going on that I need to worry about. But there’s still something. Isn’t there, Rainbow Dash?”
Rainbow Dash threw her forelegs up into the air. “Yup. You got me, Pinkie. There’s definitely something bothering me. And that something is that I still haven’t gotten what I came here to get. So can we please, for the love of all that is good, just get on with the sale already?” A low growl sounded throughout the room. “See? Even my stomach is getting impatient.”
Pinkie Pie crossed her arms. “Alright, Rainbow Dash. If you swear that there’s nothing you need to tell your best friend, then that’s okay, because Celestia knows that best friends don’t keep secrets from each other because best friends are always there to help each other. And since I’m your best friend, and you’re not telling me anything, then everything must be hunky-dory. Right?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow Dash said, relieved. “Alright, now that we’re past that, can we—”
“How could you possibly be okay with keeping a secret from me!” Pinkie exploded. “We tell each other everything, Rainbow Dash! Everything! We know about each others' fears, childhoods, love lives, dreams, interests, and... well, everything else! I mean, I even told you about that one time where I accidentally put sugar in a recipe instead of salt! Sugar, Rainbow Dash! Sure, maybe it wasn’t completely on accident, but that’s beside the point! The point is, we don’t keep things from each other, no matter how big of a mistake or how deep of a secret it is!” Pinkie Pie slammed her hooves on the counter and breathed heavily. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about that. You do remember, don’t you, Rainbow Dash?”
Rainbow Dash bit her lip. "Of course I remember, Pinkie," she spoke, choosing her words carefully. "But...” A sigh. “Look, this is just different, alright?”
"Different how?"
"It's just different, okay?" Rainbow snapped. "Look, Pinkie, I understand that you care, and I really appreciate that you want to help. I really do. But I’ve gotta do this myself, alright? It’s a little more personal to me.”
“Aha! So there is something you’re hiding!”
“I wouldn’t say I’m hiding anything, Pinkie. It’s more just me trying to be a big pony and take care of my own issues. It’s a pride thing, alright? Kind of like how Applejack likes to do things on her own. She might be able to use a little help, but she doesn’t ask for it because she knows that she can take care of things herself. So just pretend that I’m Applejack, alright?”
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “But you’re not Applejack. You’re Rainbow Dash!”
“I know. It’s a metaphor.”
“A meta-what?”
“A metaphor. You know, like in books, when... nevermind.”
“Nevermind? Now I’m curious, Applejack!”
“I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“But you said you were—”
“Just forget about Applejack!”
“Forget about her? How could I? She’s one of my best friends!”
“Augh!” Rainbow Dash buried her head in her hooves. “Look, Pinkie, just forget about it. Forget about the metaphor, Applejack, and anything else that might be floating around in your head right now. All I need is for you to give me some space and let me handle this issue myself. Can you please do that for me? As my best friend?”
"But..." Pinkie Pie shook her head. "Of course, Rainbow. I'll do anything for you, you know that."
"Thanks," Rainbow said. "Look, I’m sorry for being such a grouch. Maybe once this has all blown over we can hang out sometime and I can tell you about it sometime. Does that sound good?"
"Only if you Pinkie Promise it!"
"Fine. Cross my heart and whatever."
"You didn't do the motions."
"Don't push it, Pinkie."
"Sorry, sorry." An awkward pause filled the room. Rainbow Dash occupied herself by looking everywhere except at the pony in front of her, while Pinkie did the exact opposite. "So, a dozen Cutie Cakes. Right, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow nodded. "Yup. That's it. They've all got Derpy's cutie mark on them, right?"
"Mhm! Just like you asked! But why Derpy's cutie mark? Why not your own?"
"Because they're for Derpy."
"Oh." Pinkie's face fell, but she forced a smile back on. "What'd you go and buy Derpy a bunch of cupcakes for?"
"I owe her. She did something for me, and I'm repaying the favor."
"How nice of you, Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie sang. "So what did Derpy do deserve these dozen delectable delicacies?"
“It was... nothing. Don't worry about it."
Pinkie Pie frowned. "Oh."
"Yeah."
There was another long silence as Pinkie Pie began to carefully load a basket with Rainbow Dash's order, cautious to not ruin the design on the frosting. "So how cool is it that Twilight asked me to invite ponies to the Conventions Convention this Friday?"
Small talk. Now she was really reaching, Rainbow Dash thought. "Pretty cool, Pinkie."
"Isn't it though? You heard her: 'nopony's more persuasive than you, Pinkie Pie'! Oh, I'm gonna have loads of fun getting everypony to come this Friday! You're gonna be there, aren't you, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow Dash grimaced. "I dunno, Pinkie. It doesn't really seem like my thing."
"But Twilight's been working really hard on this!" Pinkie insisted. "And remember how she came to watch you fly in Cloudsdale? I'm sure she would love it if you went and supported her this time! I'm sure everypony else will be there, too!"
"Maybe, Pinkie."
"But—"
"You all done filling up the basket?" Rainbow asked, gesturing to the now-filled container that sat between them.
"Oh!" Pinkie said, forcing a smile once more. "Yeah, I suppose I am. Here you go, Rainbow Dash. This one's on the house."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "You sure? This is a lot of cupcakes, Pinkie. I doubt the Cakes would be very happy with you."
"Positive!" Pinkie declared. "See you later, Dashie! I hope you have a supersplendiferous day!"
"Yeah, you too. Thanks. And Pinkie?"
Pinkie Pie’s ears perked up. “Yes, Rainbow?”
“Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it.” And with that, Rainbow took the basket in her mouth and left the bakery, taking to the sky in a burst of color.
And then, Pinkie Pie was alone. But while the overturned bakery was like a ghost town, her mind was running a mile a minute. Something was bugging Rainbow Dash, that much was clear. The spunk and playfulness that Pinkie had come to love about that pony had seemed to vanish, leaving a completely different pony in Rainbow Dash's body. A grumpy pony, Pinkie noted.
Pinkie knew what she had to do. She wanted the old Rainbow Dash back, and she was going to get her back, no matter the cost. And to do that, she had to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering her best friend. It would be tough, that much was clear. The only information she had was a hunch that it involved Twilight, Derpy, and the Convention that was coming up on Friday.
Whatever it was, Pinkie was determined to figure it out the best way she knew how: spying, Pinkie Pie style.
Now where did she put her catsuit?
-- -- --
To say that the light rapping on her door came as a surprise to Derpy Hooves would be an understatement. Being the resident mailmare, she never had the delight of receiving an unexpected package, and most ponies that needed to talk to her would simply wait for her to make her rounds to personally deliver their news or requests. Needless to say, visitors to the Hooves household were few and far between. And when there were visitors, they usually weren't friends carrying a basket filled to the brim with cupcakes in her mouth.
"Rainbow Dash?" Derpy said, pleasantly surprised. She brushed a hoof over her disheveled mane, attempting to look more presentable to her lifelong friend. "Not that it isn't good to see you or anything, but... what's the occasion? And what are the cupcakes for?"
Without a word, Rainbow Dash brushed past Derpy and marched into her house.
"Erm... yes, please come in. Make yourself at home," Derpy said politely. She followed Rainbow Dash into her home, a quaint little cottage on the town's edge. Rainbow made her way into the living room and set the cupcakes on the coffee table before pausing in her tracks, stopping Derpy mid-stride behind her. Taking a closer look at the treats, Derpy noticed that they bore a very familiar cutie mark on them.
"Rainbow Dash," Derpy repeated. "It's not that I don't appreciate the visit or your bringing me these treats, but do you mind telling me what—"
In a flash, Rainbow Dash spun around and met Derpy's eyes with a piercing gaze. Derpy froze, startled by her friend's sudden movements. Several seconds passed in silence, neither pegasi knowing exactly what to say next. And then, as quickly as she had advanced on Derpy, Rainbow Dash withdrew, seating herself on a nearby armchair. She rested her head in her hooves, mumbling words too quietly for Derpy to hear.
"R—Rainbow Dash?" Derpy stammered, scrambling for words. She seated herself on one of the chair's arms and began to slowly rub Rainbow's back. She was afraid—not because of Rainbow Dash, but for her. Derpy knew it took a lot to crack Rainbow Dash's outer shell of confidence, and even more to make her outright show her emotions like this. "Hey. You doing alright, buddy?"
Rainbow Dash shrugged her shoulders before speaking in a muffled voice.
Pinkie Pie lived for that word. After all, every party planner needed to have some degree of mastery in the art of stealth in order to throw a successful surprise party. And with the number of surprise parties she had under her belt, Pinkie Pie had every right to her self-imposed title of "Double-Oh-Pinkie".
Darting across Ponyville unnoticed, Pinkie tugged at the catsuit that hugged her curvy frame. It was a fitting name for the outfit, Pinkie Pie thought. Catsuit. It just sounded sneaky to her, not to mention that the way she slithered and sneaked through the boxes and barrels downtown made her feel like a cat stalking her prey.
A few moments later, Pinkie arrived at her destination: a lone tree standing in the middle of a yard, which just so happened to be positioned in the very center of town. A suitable perch would give her a perfect view of all three hundred and sixty degrees of Ponyville, allowing for optimal spying efficiency around the clock. A few leaps and bounds later, Pinkie found herself at such a perch, a firm branch about a dozen feet off the ground. With her foldable zipline at her side, Pinkie slid on her night-vision goggles and commenced scoping out the town. She smiled to herself, knowing that so far, everything had gone according to plan.
"Phase One: Find a super secret scouting spot" was complete. Now, according to her checklist, it was time for "Phase Two: Find that sneaky Rainbow Dash and see what's going on in that head of hers". As far as she was concerned, nothing could go wrong. It had taken her only a few minutes to find a hiding spot, and Rainbow Dash wasn't exactly a tough pony to find. And thanks to her catsuit, she was completely and utterly invisible.
"Pinkie Pie!"
Completely.
"Pinkie Pie!"
"Shhh!" Pinkie replied in annoyance. "Go away! Can't you see I'm invisible up here?"
"Well, obviously not, since I can see your fluffy pink tail sticking right out of my tree!"
Looking backwards, Pinkie noticed that the pony below was right: a cotton-candy like mess was sticking out from the back of her suit, easily giving away her position to her enemies.
Curses, she thought to herself. So much for stealth.
"Now will you please get down here and explain yourself to me?" the observant pony continued. "I mean, since when has it been okay for ponies to just climb other ponies' trees without their permission? Hardly a neighborly gesture if you ask me, though I suppose I shouldn't consider that you of all ponies would be carrying around that sort of common sense, hm?"
"Hey, I've got plenty of common scents! You should see all the candles we have in the back of the bakery. Just who do you think you are, anyways, questioning my taste in scents?" Pinkie poked her head out of the tree and was greeted by a very exasperated-looking white unicorn. "Oh, Rarity! It's you! It feels like it's been ages since we've seen each other!"
"Yes, well, I've been thinking the exact same thing, but I never suspected that our next meeting would happen with one of us a dozen feet up a tree."
"Well then, what are you waiting for? I can hear this section of branch calling your name right now!"
"That's not quite what I meant by that."
"Rarity... Rarity..." Pinkie whispered, shaking the branch beside her.
"I refuse to subject myself to such a strange means of conversation."
"Ah, well. It was worth a shot." Not a second later, Pinkie was back on the ground next to Rarity. "As long as I get to talk to my best friend, Rarity, it doesn't matter whether we're in a tree or on a boat or in a house or by a moat or—"
"Yes, yes, it's good to see you again, as well, Pinkie. Now, how exactly did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Get down from the tree so fast. It was almost as if you teleported or something. One second you were up there, and the next you were right here beside me. It was... strange."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Rarity! Sheesh, and ponies say I'm the crazy one."
"Never mind. It's not important." Rarity looked Pinkie Pie up and down, noticing her catsuit and night-vision goggles. "But what is important is that... interesting ensemble you're wearing. Just what is it, exactly?"
"Oh, this? This is my spying-slash-scouting-slash-other secret operation thingies-suit. I used these same night-vision goggles when we went to the Crystal Empire, remember? And this catsuit is from the time that Twilight, Spike, and I broke into the library at the castle in the middle of the night!"
"You did what?"
"Wore these goggles when we went to the Crystal Empire. Come on, Rarity, were you even paying attention?"
"Pinkie Pie, you can't... oh, just forget it. Can you please just explain to me why you're wearing that bizarre outfit of yours? And why you need night-vision goggles at five in the afternoon?"
"Don't question my methods! Like I said, it's my spying-slash-scouting-slash-other secret operation thingies-suit. It's not that hard to figure out, is it?"
"So you're spying?"
"And scouting and doing other secret operation thingies! You know, maybe you should see a doctor. It seems like you're having trouble paying attention today. Hey, look, a squirrel!"
"So what exactly are you spying on?" Pinkie Pie furrowed her brow and opened her mouth to scream. "And scouting and other things!" Rarity added.
"Much better. Well, it's really secret stuff, so I don't know if I should tell you."
"Ah."
"Like, reeeeeallly secret stuff. Top class in Pinkie Pie secrecy."
"I see."
"Level Pink security clearance is needed to access this information, Rarity! I can't just go handing it out to ponies left and right like it's some sort of candy!"
"'Level Pink'?"
"Okay, fine. Since you're being so persuasive, I suppose I could tell you. But just this once!"
Rarity rolled her eyes. Pinkie looked every which way to make sure that nopony else was listening in on them, and then whispered her secret, top class, Level Pink mission to Rarity.
"... I'm looking for Rainbow Dash."
Rarity paused for a moment, waiting for Pinkie to tell her more. "That's it?" Rarity deadpanned when nothing else came. "You're just looking for Rainbow Dash?"
"Just looking for Rainbow Dash? Rarity, don't you understand how important this could be?"
"No. I don't. How did you expect me to know that when you didn't even bother to tell me why you were looking for her in the first place?"
"Well, I thought that much was obvious."
"Well, pardon me for not possessing your masterful skills of deduction."
"You're pardoned! So would you like me to tell you?"
"Well, I thought that much was obvious," Rarity mocked.
"I'm a spy, not a mind-reader, Rarity! Anyways..." Pinkie once again leaned in to Rarity's ear and whispered. "... I think there's something bothering her."
Rarity's pause was shorter this time. "Context, Pinkie! Could you please give me a little more than that?"
"Oh! You want the deluxe bundle! Well, Rainbow Dash came to Sugarcube Corner earlier today and picked up an order of Cutie Cakes. They're cupcakes that are personalized to have the cutie mark of the pony who ordered them on it," she clarified, seeing Rarity's confusion. "But get this: they weren't personalized for Rainbow Dash. They were personalized for Derpy Hooves."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "And you thought that was strange? She doesn't have to order cupcakes with her cutie mark on them, does she? She might have just wanted to surprise Derpy with an afternoon snack or something. Rainbow might be uncouth at times, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care for her friends."
"But that's the thing! I asked Rainbow Dash what the occasion was, and she was just all 'she did a favor for me and I'm repaying her' and I asked what for and she was like 'don't worry about it' and she was acting all grumpy and shifty like she was hiding something. But why would she be hiding something?"
"Well, I can't say for certain, but it seems like she just didn't feel like she needed to tell you, Pinkie. Most likely it was a personal affair between her and Derpy."
"But we tell each other all of our personal things! Everything, Rarity! It's not like Rainbow Dash to hide things from me like this. It's like she doesn't trust me or something."
Rarity frowned slightly. "I'm no expert on what goes on between the two of you, Pinkie, but I do know quite a bit about how to properly handle situations like these. I am a proper lady, after all."
"Yay, advice! I knew I could count on you! What should I do? Spy harder?"
"No, Pinkie, I don't think that's such a good idea. If you're worried about Rainbow Dash trusting you, I don't think spying on her would help you with that at all. Just give her some space and let her sort this out, and when she feels comfortable, I'm sure she'll tell you. You are best friends, after all."
"Yeah, but so are we!" Pinkie pulled Rarity into an embrace. "Thanks, Rarity. I really appreciate the advice. No more spying for this mare! At least for now, that is."
"I'm glad to hear that, Pinkie," Rarity said, struggling to escape. "Now, I think it's time for me to get going. I have a pedi-pedi coming up at the spa later and I want to look fabulous for it. That means it's time for my beauty sleep!"
"You know what? That's not a bad idea! A nap sounds just peachy right about now." Pinkie squealed, pulling Rarity to her side once more.
"You aren't... suggesting that you want to join me, are you, Pinkie?"
"Nah. I was actually thinking about napping in that branch up there. It's actually a lot more comfier than it looks."
"Uh, that would be 'more comfy' or 'comfier', Pinkie Pie."
Pinkie snickered at Rarity's correction. "Oh, come on, Rarity. Something like that isn't really that important, is it?"
"Well, I suppose not," Rarity admitted, tapping at her chin, "But I've always been one to believe that a lady should use proper grammar whenever possible. I suppose you could call it a sort of reflex that I picked up as a child. Oh, just thinking about the typos I see on the flyers on that dreadful bulletin downtown makes me want to shiver."
"You know, Rarity, you sound a whole lot like Twilight right now."
"That's because Twilight is a Canterlot unicorn who holds the grace and beauty of a well-constructed sentence in high regard. It could do you some justice to have her instruct you on the matter sometime, Pinkie."
"Well, if everything goes according to plan this Friday, that's just what's going to happen."
"This Friday? Why, what's going on?"
"You mean you haven't heard?" Pinkie said in disbelief. "I thought you knew about everything that went on around Ponyville!"
"While it's true that I pride myself in being a connoisseur in... various forms of knowledge around the town, I can't say that I've heard anything even remotely similar to what you're talking about."
"Oh! That's perfect! That means I get to practice my routine!"
"Your what?"
"Rarity of Ponyville!" Pinkie stood on her front legs and cartwheeled around the yard. "Yooooooouuuuu are invited to Ponyville's very first..." She stopped in front of Rarity and thrust a piece of paper in the unicorn's face. "... Conventions Convention—a place where proper grammar and sentence structure reign supreme! Come join Twilight Sparkle as she instructs the less informed in the arts of comma usage, pronoun agreement, and much more!" A backflip that merged into the splits ended Pinkie Pie's performance. "Catered by Sweet Apple Acres!"
"A... Conventions Convention?"
"Yep! You want me to do my routine again? Twilight told me I have to invite as many ponies as I can, so some extra practice would be great."
"No, that's quite alright," Rarity said, paying more attention to the paper than Pinkie. "It's just strange, though."
"What is, my routine? Does it need a little more flair?"
"No, your routine is perfectly... you."
"Then what is it?"
"This Convention, of course! Twilight's always been a sort of stickler for grammar, and I admire that, but don't you think this is a little..."
"Over the top?" Pinkie chanced.
"Yes, precisely! She always corrects other ponies when needed, but she's never gone out of her way to do something on this large of a scale."
"Well, she's never received an error-filled love letter from a secret admirer before, either."
Rarity's body went rigid. "I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie, could you run that by me again?"
Pinkie started to run in circles around Rarity at speeds the unicorn never knew could be achieved. "Well, she's never received an error-filled love letter from a secret admirer before, either!" A few laps later, Pinkie slowed herself and danced around Rarity's yard in a daze until she was stopped by a pair of white hooves clasping her cheeks.
"Pinkie. Are you telling me that Twilight Sparkle—our Twilight Sparkle—received a love letter?" Pinkie simply nodded. "Augh! Pinkie Pie, do you know what this means?"
"Suhpise pahty?" Pinkie said through pursed lips.
"No, no, not quite. Pinkie, ever since Twilight came to Ponyville I've been trying to set her up! Stallions, mares, it didn't matter to me as long as she had someone to be with! She's simply too stunning to be all cooped up in that tree with nopony to love. It's tragic! Just tragic, I tell you! But now, now, my dear Pinkamena, an opportunity presents itself to us to finally find Twilight the match she deserves! Ooh, this is just so perfect I could scream! Come, Pinkie, we've got some work to do!" Her face beaming with confidence, Rarity marched towards Carousel Boutique, a very shaken and confused Pinkie in tow.
"But Rarity, I thought you had a pedicure this afternoon." Rarity stopped in her tracks. "And besides, we don't even know who this pony is in the first place. How are we going to make any progress if we don't have any leads?"
"Pedicures can wait, Pinkie Pie. But true love waits for no mare! If Twilight is to become united with this stallion—"
"Or mare."
"Or mare," Rarity corrected, "then our work must begin immediately! Love is kind, but it is also fleeting! And we must act now if we are to be successful agents of love!"
"Well, that solves the pedicure problem. But what about the secret admirer? First things first, we need to find out who this mysterious pony is."
"Right. We're going to need to be thorough. We're going to have to be smart. And most importantly, we're going to have to be sneaky."
"I like where this is going..." Pinkie sang.
"I thought you might. Pinkie!"
"Yes, Rarity?"
"In order for this operation to be a success, we're both going to need to be at the top of our game. I'll be the brains, but you need to be the eyes. I'm talking spying like you've never spied before. Sneaking like your life depends on it! And all that other stuff—"
"What about it?"
"Just bring it."
"Woohoo! I love it when you get fired up like this, Rarity. Buuuuuut there's still one teensy-weensy little problem."
"What? Why didn't you say so earlier? Quick, spit it out!"
"Well, this is the only catsuit I have. And while I might be the eyes of the operation, you're still going to need to have some degree of sneakery if we want to pull this off. And just walking around like that won't do!"
"Hm... yes, you're right. This does pose a problem to our operation. And that's why I've already thought of an alternative!"
"Really? No wonder you're the brains!"
"Ha! I am quite the clever one, aren't I?"
"The clevererest!"
"'Cleverest', Pinkie. And I think it's time for you to ditch that catsuit."
"Aw, no costumes?"
"I never said that. Of course we're still having costumes. What kind of spies would we be without costumes? In fact, I think I've got just the things sitting right inside."
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's do some spying!"
"And sneaking and other things!" Rarity reminded. "Come on, Pinkie. We don't have any time to waste! Let's do this!"
"Alright! Operation L.E.T.T.E.R. is now underway!"
"Operation L.E.T.T.E.R.?"
"I'll think of a clever acro-thingy later. Come on, let's go!"
And with that, Ponyville's top secret agents bounced and galloped their way back to Carousel Boutique.
-- -- --
"Spike, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Unfortunately, yes. I think I am."
Under the faint glow of the just-setting sun, Twilight Sparkle and Spike stood motionless at the front porch of the library. After a quick bite to eat to alleviate the irritations that the day had brought on both of them, Twilight and Spike were ready to collapse at any moment. But one thing stood in their way, guarding the entrance to where they could finally wind down and relax:
A simple envelope, missing a return address, addressed to one twilite sparkel.
"What do you suppose it means?" Spike asked. "Why is there another one? I thought I grabbed all the mail earlier. I must have just missed it or dropped it or something. Sorry about that, Twilight."
"Don't beat yourself up, Spike. I don't think it's your fault. We're dealing with something much more devious than your clumsiness here."
"So you're saying..."
"They came back, Spike. While we were away. They had to have known somehow—maybe they saw us downtown, or somepony on the inside told them—but somehow, they knew."
"Do you think they know about the Convention?"
"We have to assume that they do. It's always best to assume that the enemy knows more than you."
"'Enemy'?"
"Well, what else am I supposed to call them, Spike?"
"How about 'secret admirer'? That's what they are, right?" Twilight was silent. "Ooh! Or you could call them 'X'. Yeah, X. That sounds really cool. X."
"Don't be ridiculous, Spike. Come on, let's go inside." A purple veil appeared around the doorknob and the letter simultaneously, and the pair made their way back inside, where a massive pile of books still sat. "Oh, Celestia, I forgot about that."
"I'm guessing you want me to get to cleaning?" Spike said, already reaching for a broom.
"No, you've done enough work for today. I want you to go to bed right now and get a good rest. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow."
"I dunno if I like the sound of that," Spike said, trudging to his room. "But hey, aren't you going to open that letter, Twilight? It might give us some clues or something."
"Not right now. Don't worry about it, okay?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever you say. Goodnight, Twilight."
"Goodnight. And Spike?"
"What's up?"
"Thanks. For putting up with me today. I know I've been a handful, but this is something important to me."
"Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it. I'm your friend, right? Of course I'm going to help you. That's what friends do."
Twilight smiled. "You're a good friend, Spike. Now get a good night's sleep. You deserve it."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Love you, Twilight."
"Love you too, little guy."
Yawning the entire way, Spike slowly made his way up the stairs until he reached his small bed that lay beside Twilight's. Twilight waited patiently until she heard the dragon's telltale snoring before turning her attention to the letter that still hovered before her.
The letter. The second strike. The second coming of the bane of her existence.
And she was about to face it.
Slowly but surely, she broke the seal that held the abomination in place. She closed her eyes as she removed a piece of paper, preparing herself for the worst.
And then she read it.
im sorry my first leter was bad. im not good with words. i just want you to now how i feel.
As she had expected she would, Twilight shivered. It wasn't the full-out cringe she had experienced when reading the first letter, but she still couldn't look at the letter without feeling a little sick inside. Would it kill them to at least capitalize a few words?
As terrible as it was, the second letter did give Twilight one thing—answers. She now knew that the author knew about the Conventions Convention, or at the very least, her disapproval of the first letter. What this would lead to, Twilight had no idea. Would her admirer be at the Convention, trying to learn something so that they could improve their writing? It was a thought that bothered Twilight—there was no way she would be able to deliver her lessons without constantly thinking that the author of the letters could be sitting only a few feet away.
One thing was for certain: whoever this pony was, mare or stallion, they weren't giving up easily. Another letter being delivered so closely to the first one meant that this pony was persistent, and likely to strike again before the convention.
And Twilight would make sure she was there when they did.
Her mind running a mile a minute, Twilight summoned a quill and some paper and started to brainstorm. Even if it took her all night, she was going to think of a surefire way to catch this pony before any more damage could be done.
"I don't know who or where you are, or what you're thinking, but mark my words: I'm going to to get to the bottom of this. And when I do, I expect answers. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm coming for you..." She scratched her head, thinking of a proper name to refer to the author other than 'that pony'. Much to her dismay, only one name could come to her mind that made any sense as a codename that held anonymity to gender. Dipping the quill in a nearby inkwell, she made two quick strikes across the paper and held it up in front of her.
