Not even a kiss?
I sat there. politely, comfortably, unassumingly… I sat there with my best friend as we laughed and talked while eating dinner together. In the middle of the restaurant, it was nothing out of the ordinary or overly complex in the minds of everyone within visible range of our table. Just two friends eating dinner after a day of doing whatever they did. Just friends, buddies. Nothing to examine or look too closely at. I just kept telling myself that this is what the ponies around us thought, since they had reason to believe that and only that. That was all there was to it. That’s what my dad would have believed, I thought to myself.
Except… that wasn’t quite the case.
He laughed and smiled along with me. He gave me a warm grin and acted polite whilst I went on and on about the socio-political background of some new antique Starlight Glimmer’s dad had shown me. He couldn’t have cared less, but he sat there, still smiling. My boyfriend.
It’s… still a bit weird to say. It wouldn’t be lying to say he was my best friend, because he is. But he is so much more than that as well. He sat opposite of me, plunging his fork into the leafy greens he had in front of himself, sitting crossed legged, and folding his hooves in that stereotypically… colourful way. I couldn’t help but notice the way his posture presented his image, leaving possible hints for the skeptical ponies around us, even if that was ridiculous. I scooped up my own food, the fork fastened in my aura as I let whatever I was chewing on desperately try to fill the giant, fluttery, fearsome hole in my stomach.
“By the way, Princess Twilight is gonna be coming down for a couple of weeks, so get ready to have Flurry stolen from you all the time,” Flash Sentry chuckled from across the table, popping a cherry tomato between his teeth. He was stunning, a slightly paler coat to mine, but just… shinier and softer. I’ve always been jealous of his looks, and the reason why he picked Sunburst the Crystaller to love is still lost to me.
“Is she? That is exciting. It turns out Princess Twilight loves antiquing just as much as I do, so we might have to compare what we’ve found.” I replied, a wide smile reached over my face as I thought of Twilight coming.
“As long as you don’t leave your entire collection around the house like you did last time. Trying to get to the toilet was a nightmare.” He smiled with warmth again. It was infectious, really. I was still head over hooves for him at this stage. I couldn’t help but blush and return the smile. But I had an inkling, just, something gnawing at me, it hurt. A growing paranoia made me feel dizzy. Flash had hinted to us spending a lot of time at my house. did anypony hear it? Is anypony putting the dots together? Are they looking at us? All I wanted was to look around, to see the judging faces of skepticism looking at us. But I knew if I did, then Flash would sense my fear too. He was good like that. He knew exactly what I was like. I love him so much, but there was one thing that held us both back.
I…
I was terrified of being with him in public.
I knew I shouldn’t be. I knew I shouldn’t care what other ponies think, if they think anything. That was logical, reasonable, rational Sunburst speaking. I really wish that I could have used him that night. But no. Irrational, paranoid, anxious Sunburst made his reappearance. Flash and I had been on conflicting rosters at the castle for almost three weeks. He’d spend the day at home while I worked as Crystaller, then I would go home and his shift would just about to start as night guard. So, to celebrate his three day stay-cation, we went out for dinner. I assured him that night that I was much better with my anxiety over us. I didn’t want to disappoint him or anything.
“I’ll be sure not to. I just wanted to reorganise.” I said, trying harder to not itch my compulsion to scan the restaurant in that anxious way he knows about. I looked over to our water bottle and tipped the rest in, hoping that I could have a quick peak whilst looking around for a waiter to refill our water, but the second I finished off my glass, the server had beaten me to the game, replacing our water bottle with a full one. Sigh…. So close.
“Alphabetically or Numerically this time,” he jeered, wiggling his eyebrows at me and making me melt just as much as it made me laugh. For the briefest of seconds I got lost, almost forgetting the restaurant and the ponies around us. But as quickly as the euphoric feeling came, I was once again left with the anxious pit that made me suddenly not want to finish my dinner. I put my cutlery on my plate and leaned back in my chair.
It didn’t take long for him to finish too, unlike me, with an empty plate. He leaned on the table and gazed on at me.
“I know you don’t like it when I say this, but you really are beautiful, Sunburst.” He said.
It was a weird feeling. A mix of love and lightness coupled with the paranoia just sinking further into my conscience and the fur on my back tingling. He was doing this for me, I had to keep telling myself that. He was doing all of this for me, to make me comfortable, and happy, and loved. I loved him so much. Nopony else would do all this for me and what we have is so special to me. But that night… all I wanted to do was run.
“Aww Flash, I never know how to react to that though.” Admittedly, I was blushing like crazy, but my head sank and my voice lost a lot of volume in an irrational attempt to make sure nopony heard me, he only smiled harder though.
But he also was starting to pick up on it too. He knew that when I lower my voice it’s because I’m getting anxious. He also knew I had a problem with... it...being public. And I knew how irrational it was too. It was still ingrained in my-
Past? I guess that word will do. He knew it was harder for me anyway, being open about… who I am. I still can’t really say it out loud. But I was trying to get better, for him, because I wanted him to be happy just as much as I was. I knew the best way to make him happy was to be confident and proud, but I just wasn’t ready.
“Also, what do you plan on doing with that spare room? You said you were going to move all the artifacts out of it, but then what? It’s not going to be doing much.” He continued on with the conversation, trying to steer away from the elephant in the room.
“Well, I don’t know yet. We’ve been… ugh… that, for ages now. I guess I just want it more homely. I’ll be the first to admit my house is a bit of a cave. Maybe I could turn it into a spare bedroom, for Starlight so she doesn’t have to stay at yours or a hostel when she visits. And who knows, it might become a more… permanent bedroom someday.” I looked down in an attempt to hide my horrible blush, my orange coat only getting more vibrant around the cheeks. I was terrible at hinting and my face let me know it.
But just as he went to say another thing, I heard a gasp from a table nearby. It must have been from something trivial, but I was on edge, and it made me jump in my seat, a little whimper escaped me as I looked around nervously.
“Sunburst? Are you alright?” He asked, leaning in closer.
I was being really stupid… “No I’m fine,” I replied, trying to stop my voice from cracking or raising.
“All finished?” The waiter was right behind me and I was way to focused on maintaining my demeanour to pay attention to my surroundings.
“AH!” I shrieked, my fur standing on edge and my hooves grabbing the table. The waiter kept apologising, acting like he had just stabbed me with a fork. He was probably just as surprised as me. Then I started apologising whilst he was still apologising and eventually we parted with mutual apologies four times over and the bill now slipped between us.
“Sunburst? Are you okay?” Flash looked over to me, his eyes only filled with concern for me. It made me feel so happy. He’d kill me if I said this but I really didn’t deserve him. “What’s wrong? You’re so jumpy and fidgety tonight.”
He knew that I was freaked out, he even gave me the chance to come clean. But no, I was being my awkward dumb self.
“I’m okay Flash, maybe just a little tired.” I went quiet again. I looked down, like a sad, anxious puppy dog. I flicked my eyes this way and that, then back to Flash.
“Okay, well we don’t have to stick around for dessert. We can just go home and-” He reached out, and put his hoof over mine. That’s when I gave it all away. I went into a panic and ripped my hoof from his grasp, putting it under the table and gingerly glancing around, looking for the stares or skeptical looks. I don’t know what got into me, it was like autopilot.
I could almost see the realisation hit him. First he recoiled, shocked, but then he saw me look around, and he understood what this was all about in an instant. My hooves we’re outstretched on the table now, my attempt at trying to stop the nervousness and play off what I had just done. But the damage was done.
“Sunburst? Have… have you been anxious the whole dinner?” He asked, looking deep into my eyes. I couldn’t lie to him, no way, not with those gentle, caring, firm eyes fixed on my own. My lip quivered as I slowly, tentatively nodded, shrinking down a bit. I felt his empathy as I nodded. He hated seeing me like this.
“Okay Sunburst… We’ll go home. I understand. It’s not easy when you’re… us, I guess.” Relief flooded me, it was our date night. Our date night! And I had just let him down. I shouldn’t have felt that relief, or that eagerness to go. But I did, and so I got up, Flash following suit. Bits in the checkbook and things packed away, I went to turn around to head towards the door.
“Wait a sec. I just wanna tell you something.” I was waiting for some sort of ‘we need to get you through this’ or some other comment. But as I leaned in, in front of half the restaurant, Flash went in for a deep kiss. He wrapped his hooves around me as my heart dropped to my stomach and all my hooves felt like giving way. The kiss felt like it had been going for centuries already. Every bone in my body was telling me to run away, that everypony was watching, was glaring, was judging. We were kissing in the middle of everyone! My worst nightmare had turned to reality. I heard the gasps, I felt the stares. Ponies had stopped talking around us. Eventually my body kicked in again, ripping my face away from his and taking a step back. Worry and fear filled his face, my breathing was becoming ragged, my body was shaking.
My face had nothing but horror painted on it. His assured, euphoric smile quickly drained into a horrible, white ‘what have I done’ look. I did something I really do regret. I turned away from him, stumbling through the restaurant, probably drawing even more attention than the kiss had. I had no ambition to look at the ponies staring at me or him or anything, but then… I saw one, out of the corner of my eye, it was a stallion, but he had my coat. It was my dad. In all of Equestria, I was seeing my dad. I couldn’t see his face. I barely got a glance, but I knew he was looking at me, at what I did. All I wanted was to get out of there, and get out of there I did. The second the glass doors crashed against me and gave way, I bolted down the street and away from Flash and the restaurant.
***
He finally found me in the Crystal Square.
It was scarily quiet.
I walked past this square every day to go to work, always bubbling with life and action. There is always something going on, except during the night when the most action it got was the odd pony making their way home or stumbling through the street. But it was weird, seeing it this quiet. You never know how to visualise it until you see it. I must have been sitting there for ages, because I no longer heard the rush of the water fountain I leaned against. All I could hear was him calling out my name from around me. But then I saw him turn the corner in the street nearby. He looked exhausted. He must have searched half the suburb for me. It was like a strange mixture of relief and anger where I didn’t know if I wanted or didn’t want him to find me.
“Sunburst! Finally! I found you!” He cried out, picking up his pace to the water fountain. “Sunburst, I’m so so so so sorry!” He picked up his pace, coming right up to the fountain. “I don’t know what I was thinking I just wanted you to feel more confident being yourself and I didn’t know how else to do it so I thought that I might be able to do it at the restaurant but that was sosososososowrongandI’msodamnsorry” He blurted out, looking down at me sitting against the fountain.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, I sat there, sniffling and and breathing heavily, holding back tears. No words wanted to come out anyway, so I just looked back down at the ground. I wasn’t mad. Just… hurt.
He sat down a respectable distance from me, awkwardly kicking around pebbles on the cobblestone ground. “I really messed up didn’t I?”
I tried to say ‘yes’, but nothing except a small croak came out so I just resorted to nodding and continuing to look down and avoid shivering. The night was getting cool and the lack of movement was getting to me, my coat no longer keeping the chill at bay.
“Out of three, how bad was what I did?”
I gently stamped my hoof against the cobblestone
Clop… Clop… Clop
...
He sighed again. It was long, sad, defeated, and angry. Angry at himself.
“Sunny, I’m so sorry... I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. That was so stupid of me to think that embarrassing and pretty much totally outing you to all those stallions and mares was the way to help you get over your fear.” He paused to take a breath and move a bit closer to me, rubbing his leg awkwardly as his cheeks reddened. “I forget you didn’t really have the same sort of experience coming to grips with… Being who you are.”
“I… I’m sorry,” I croaked back, albeit with a bit more coherence than the ‘yes’ earlier.
He looked over at me with nothing but care in his eyes. “Sunny… you have nothing to be sorry for. Why are you sorry?” He asked, closing the distance and putting a hoof around me. My hair raised a bit and my heart beat faster as I looked around quickly, satisfied that nopony was around.
“I want to make you h-happy. But. But I can’t do that I-if I’m too scared to,” I stammered. I was a wreck, but his warmth was making it a lot easier.
He lifted my chin up and looked at me in the eyes. He was beautiful. I hadn’t seen his face since the restaurant. His eyes were damp and his mane was frazzled. “Sunburst, just being around you makes me happy, and I want to share that with you. I guess I pushed you tonight because everytime I see you anxious or scared to be yourself, it hurts, unno? I want to see you get comfortable, because I want you to be just as happy as I am.”
We were quiet for a while. We just sat there, embracing each other and keeping the quickly cooling night away. Eventually, I hugged tighter and brought my mouth closer to his ear.
“I saw my dad while you were kissing me.” Tears started streaming down my face and my breaths got heavier and heavier as I tried to keep from sobbing. I clutched him as tight as possible, my breathing becoming raggedy and out of control.
“...Shit” was the first thing he said. He then began to hold me as tight as possible. I was making weird noises trying to keep it all in. I didn’t want to start moaning in the middle of the square. “Sunny… I’m so damn sorry. Oh I’m such a scumbag.”
I wanted to say ‘no’, or ‘it’s okay I forgive you’, or ‘we should get out of here’, but nothing came out. I buried my face deeper into his embrace, trying desperately to take control over my emotions again. Saying it out loud had just brought on so much emotion. So much… hurt. I knew I shouldn’t forgive him just yet, but I just wanted him to be here with me. It wasn’t his fault I saw my dad.
The only one I could blame was myself.
Thankfully, he managed to speak out loud. “It’s getting really cold out here. We can go home and I can make you some green tea, and get you a blanket. Sunburst… I’m so sorry.”
I think he saw me mouth the words ‘it’s okay’ as he looked down at me and gave me one more quick squeeze before parting and standing up. He offered me a hoof up and we set off for home, a close, yet respectable distance away. There was a tense sort of silence. One where, there was obviously more to say, and both of us could sense it, but the cold, quiet walk was no place to say it. It began to rain, not helping either of our moods or the little warmth we shared left.
The second we got home and I had closed the door with my horn, we hugged tightly, ignoring the shivers and the fresh wave of coldness that came with pressing our damp coats together. I wasn’t teary anymore, but I felt another pang as we hugged again.
Breaking the hug, Flash went and put some water on to boil, grabbed us towels, and wrapped me up tightly. I stood there like a stunned chicken. I knew that I could have done both those things without either of us taking a single step, but I also knew I should let him do this. We both sat down on the couch on our own corner, wrapped in our towels on our own cushions.
“I’m sorry-”
“I’m sorry-”
We both blurted out at the same time. I wrapped my towel tighter, staying quiet and letting him go first.
“I know I keep saying it, you’re probably sick of it, but I want you to know how much I feel like a featherbrain. I should have respected the way you felt about your sexuality. I know I have no right to change who you are, but if you ever want to work on that issue, I’m here for you, sunny.” He said, holding my cold, damp hoof in his own.
“I wanna get better,” I spoke quietly, squeezing his hoof back idly, “I want to be as confident and happy as you because you just…”
Sigh “I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of how comfortable you are, and I wanna feel that confidence too but… I don’t know where to begin Flash. I don’t know how to begin to be better.”
“It’s okay Sunburst, we’ll work on this together. I’m gonna be here, every step of the way. I… I promise.” I had never heard him so sincere, so determined in my time with him. I threw myself forward, hugging him tightly and not letting go, even after the kettle began boiling. We almost would have fallen asleep there if we hadn’t started shivering. But get up we did, not taking long to make the journey from the couch to the bed. The second my head hit the pillow, and I felt Flash’s warm arms around me, I knew I was in for a very peaceful sleep.
But as we laid there, a mouse’s hair away from sleep, Flash suddenly jolted upright, pulling me away from sleep, and the warmth he was giving me. “Sunburst,” He whispered quickly yet excitedly. “I know your confidence is going to take a long time to build, but I think I know where to begin…”
***
It was always warmer in Sire’s Hollow, being a long way off the Crystal Empire. But here we stood, Flash and I, in the middle of the grassy field I always made an effort not to go near whenever I came back to visit mum. Not out of anger, or spite, but out of embarrassment; shame I guess. I looked down, old emotions I had buried a long time ago beginning to resurface.
“Hi dad.” I croaked, looking from the gravestone to Flash. He urged me to keep going, looking back over to my mum at the cemetery entrance. Flash had told me later that she had cried the whole time as she looked on at us.
“It… It’s been a while, I didn’t know how to do this, I guess. I should have visited sooner, but I just needed a push, I guess.” I turned away, trying to keep my composure, but tears began to stream down my face and I began to sob uncontrollably. I choked on my cries and talking got hard. Flash put a hoof on my back and got closer to me, yet patiently kept his distance from me. Eventually I got hold of my breathing once again and I turned back to Dad.
“I-I’ve got someone for you to- To meet Dad. His name is Flash and he’s…”
I choked out another cry, but I looked on, using my hoof to dry my eyes once again, sniffling and sniffling. I was struggling, but I was determined to go on.
“He’s my… my boyfriend, Dad. You’d love him. He’s smart, and funny, and a good cook.” I laughed a bit through the sobs, sniffling once again. My nose and eyes were beginning to feel almost as sore as my throat as I went on. “He’s been making sure I eat full meals, and that I’m looking after myself. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him.” At that, Flash nudged me slightly, he truly does hate it when I say that.
“But then I remember what you said. That I was gonna get the coolest Mare in Equestria,” I laughed a bit again, and smiled through my tears a little brighter. “While the Mare part wasn’t entirely true, I know that you would think he is the coolest stallion in Equestria. Because… I love him, and that would have been enough for you.” The sobbing came again, Flash went in for a hug this time. It was filled with so much warmth and energy, enough to keep me going. But this time, I had lost the smile.
“I’m… sorry. I should have told you sooner. And, I’ve always regretted it.
So. Damn, Much.
I owed you so much more and I should have been confident enough to tell you. The worst day of my life was hearing that you were gone and… and…” With a couple of long breaths, I closed my eyes and kept going. I could feel Flash’s hoof on my shoulder. He was right there beside me.
“I’d let you leave without you knowing such a huge part of who I was. I miss you, and I want you back just to tell you that, and to tell you I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there, and I wasn’t there. There was so much I wanted to say. But I guess I still can say it to you, you’re just a little further away. The most important thing is that, Dad, I love you so much. And you would have loved to meet him, even if he isn’t a Mare.” I leaned onto Flash, letting him embrace me in front of Dad’s grave. We stood there, one minute, two minutes, ten minutes. Mum had left by that point, gone home to make us some supper. But we stood there, quietly, hugging for every pony to see for what felt like a century. And for the first time ever, I didn’t think about the stares, I didn’t think about the judging faces if there were any. All I thought about, was how privileged I was to have the ponies that I had, and how much they loved me.
***
“Annnnd done!” Sunburst exclaimed happily from his spot under the large oak tree. Just then did he realise how cool the shade had gotten, despite how bright and sunny the park was. He finally took a look around, stretching his neck and his back after hours of lying in that one spot. Colts and Fillies now filled the park with their laughs and shrill voices as school finished and the weekend began.
Sunburst looked around, smiling as he watched them all play and talk. Parents sat around in small groups nearby, enjoying the day themselves, it really was a fantastic sight. But it left Sunburst sighing wistfully as he threw his ink and quill back into his saddle bag.
He looked over to the entrance. Flash Sentry was there, looking over to him and smiling. Sunburst smiled back, giving him a small wave as he packed up his papers and slung his bag over his back, lazily walking over to where Flash waited for him.
“How long were you standing there?” Sunburst asked as he opened the gate and gave his boyfriend a big hug.
“Long enough…” Flash replied, returning the hug.
“Long enough to know what?” Sunburst raised an eyebrow as he broke the hug, breaking into a slow walk next to Flash.
“Long enough to know that every couple of minutes you would get uncomfortable and shuffle around a bit. And that you instantly start smiling like a goober every time you hear kids playing in the background.” Flash shot him a cheeky smile nudging him off balance a bit.
Sunburst bit back, knocking Flash a little bit harder, but still smiling. “I guess I have that paternal instinct. Did you get your half of the papers signed?”
“Of course! I did it while you were out here hobby writing. You just need to sign a couple of things on sector two.”
“Oh for the love of- Adoption papers, I know they need to be thorough, but there are tons of places they could streamline it a bit! I won't go into depths here but I tell you, I almost want to highlight all of the poor choices they made when designing those things!” Sunburst took one last look at the playground, turning his frown back into a small smile. “But it'll be worth it.”
“So did you finish the memoir? Flash asked, getting a bit closer and throwing his wing over Sunburst.
“Of course! All written up, ready to go with the others.”
“You could publish those, unno. Make a little autobiography or something. You are pretty well known now. I’d almost go as far to say, a very famous wizard.” Flash smirked.
“Shutupppppp!” Sunburst whined, giving Flash a slight knee in the ribs, forcing him into a small chuckle as they walked along. “But I might. I don’t know.”
“I still think when he/she is old enough, they should read them. They’re really cool, and you’re an amazing writer.” Flash smiled.
“I guess, but first we gotta get those very unoptimised papers in.” Sunburst got closer to let Flash’s wing fit right around him, getting as close as possible, not a thing on his mind other than the small little foal they were just about to visit.