The Second Ampersand
When ponies ask me what it’s like being part of a poly relationship, I usually say one of two things. The first is that I’m their mascot, which is true in a sense. They both claim I’m the cute one, and I’m usually too busy sputtering to attempt to refute that claim. The second response is that I’m the second ampersand. Twilight & Celestia & Fluttershy. I’m the reason that second one has to exist. It’s such a lovely thought, being poly. It isn’t about or, it’s always and. I’m in love with Twilight and Celestia. Two princesses! I’m the luckiest mare alive.
When ponies ask one of them what it’s like being in a relationship with me, they usually say something much more mature, like “Well, Fluttershy joined us and our lives got that much better.” It’s awfully sweet of them to think of me like that, but there’s more to it than that. It’s free love, something that any changeling would dream of. Free love, isn’t that a nice thought? To be able to love anyone, and not pretend it’s going to run out? I think it’s beautiful.
Oh, don’t worry about asking about it. It’s no trouble, really. A lot of ponies are curious, just like you! I’m so happy you came to visit, anyways. Just let me know if I say too much, or you want to speak or ask another question, because that’s nice too, it really is. It’s such a lovely morning, isn’t it? The birdies are singing to the sunrise, and I can hear Angel bunny getting into mischief in my kitchen. I’ll clean up the resulting mess after we’re done with our tea, don’t worry.
I love talking about them too, I really do. Both Celestia and Twilight love me dearly, and care for me so very much. It’s wonderful that I’m not alone any longer. I’m lucky to be in such a wonderful situation, I really am!
I’m lucky, I’m lucky, I’m lucky. I keep saying that, because that’s what it feels like. Luck. Celestia rolled a dice to see which of the friend group gets to be with her and Twilight, and it landed on me. I know that’s not how love works, but that’s just how it feels. It’s a different sort of love too, for each. Both romantic, of course, but… it changes. It switches from sisterly affection to burning passion to romantic sappiness. It’s way different than any love I’ve ever felt for an animal friend, though I suppose that’s to be expected.
It feels kind of like a dream, like something I mentally inserted myself into, a fantasy without a conclusion. I’ve wanted to be with them for so long, it’s surreal to find myself in this relationship at last. I was so terrified to ask them! I mean, what do you even say? Hello, I kind of ship me with both of you, wanna make this canon to our lives or something? Oh, I can’t believe I said that out loud! It turns out that they were just as nervous to ask me! I’m so happy they did, though. I probably never would have said anything.
It’s kind of odd, though, being in a relationship that’s already existed for a while. It’s like watching actors playing out a love story in front of you, and you can’t do anything about it when drama happens. Oh, yes, there’s drama, just like in every relationship, because no relationship is perfectly perfect, even if it’s close. Especially if it’s close. Sometimes they come to me about it, and sometimes they don’t, and then I feel really out of the loop. Some days I wonder whether they’d come to me more if I weren’t in a relationship with both of them.
I just… I just don’t know if I’m adding anything to the relationship, if that makes sense. They’re both off doing wonderful things together, and sometimes it feels like they have to go out of their way to talk to me. It’s almost like I’m a bother, and I don’t want to be a bother! They keep telling me that they want me to be around, but I’m not sure. What if they’re just saying that to make me feel better, or because it’s what I want to hear?
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get upset. I love them, and I adore them, I really do. And I’m happy here, with them. They’re my world and my everything, and I would face dragons if it meant that they were safe and happy. Even, um, mean ones. Mean, scary dragons. How terrifying! I hope the thought isn’t scaring you, too!
Look at that sunrise! Isn’t it going to be a lovely day? I think so. The orange glow it brings makes everything look somehow more cheerful. I guess I just need to look on the bright side though, right? I’m in a relationship. It’s wonderful, and for some reason they love me back.
They love me back. Is there any other way to put it that will somehow do it justice? I doubt that all the poets in the world could find a way to say it nicer. Not only do I love them, with all my soul and being, but they actually love me back, in the same way! Sweet Celestia and Twilight, you respond with “I love you too.” There’s a too. Because of me, there’s a too. It isn’t one sided, I’m loved back! Isn’t that just beautiful?
I’m sorry, I probably sound like a lovesick filly, but maybe that’s just what I am. I’ve never been in love like this before! I never drew hearts around other colts’ names back in school, and I didn’t celebrate Hearts and Hooves day. Being around my two loves, though (loves loves loves, I cannot get enough of that word!), it makes me want to buy flowers and sweets and anything and everything for them. And, um, I’m not a huge romantic, or at least that’s what I tell myself.
I wish that I could somehow know for certain that it would always stay like this, though. I wish I could tell myself that everything will remain the same. The thing is, though, I can’t. There’s no guarantee that they’ll always love me back, and that really scares me. I know that it’s the same with all relationships, but this is the first time I’ve really felt like I have something to lose.
If they were gone, I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I’d cry all the time, and be sad. I’d move on after a while, but it would always feel like they took a part of me with them, and whenever I’d see them together it would feel like something is missing. I need to keep them close, you see. I just can’t let that happen to us! (Us, there’s an us!) I wish I knew some secret way to always keep them by my side. Do you know any way to make this work forever and ever? No, no, it’s okay, I didn’t expect you to know. I don’t think anypony does, and besides, it would be wrong to force it.
I might be the second ampersand because I feel like the odd one out at times. Twilight and Celestia both say that it’s perfectly normal in poly relationships, but I’m not sure I like this part. It’s like there’s a comma there sometimes. Twilight & Celestia, & Fluttershy. They’re just the perfect pair, and when I see them together it makes my heart both melt and ache, because that’s what I want, but I don’t want to simply thrust myself in the middle. Then it would be Twilight (& Fluttershy) & Celestia. It just wouldn’t be the same.
Oh, sorry, am I rambling too much? Oh dear, oh dear, I hope not. It’s simply amazing to be in a relationship with them, but it’s got some challenges I didn’t expect. That’s my point. Sorry it took so long to get there! I- oh, my tea got cold! Celestia was the one who introduced me to this type of tea. Jasmine green. You like it? Twilight is more of a coffee drinker. You should hear them bicker about which is better. Celestia sips her tea calmly as she works, and Twilight sprawls against her, chugging back cappuccinos! It’s kind of fun to watch, and it usually ends in giggles, despite the intense debating.
It’s moments like that, moments that make me smile and wish I could hug something fluffy and warm close to me, that make me beam when I think of them.
There’s Twilight, who spends late nights staying up with me, reading books and scribbling out her favorite quotes. She writes them on sticky notes and hides them in my house when I’m not looking, with scrawled notes about why they remind her of me. I can usually decipher her hoofwriting, and her messages warm my heart. I keep a collection of them in my sock drawer.
There’s Celestia, who goes out shopping with me. She wears some silly disguises that only fool about half the ponies who see her, and we try on the prettiest dresses without even considering buying them. I guess even princesses have budgets! Celestia’s sent me some fake “official documents” that states that she and Twilight have adopted me, because I’m so cute! She makes me feel like part of their little family, which is nice.
And then there’s me. Twilight & Celestia & me. And you know what? I’m proud of being the second ampersand. It’s the luckiest thing to be.