WTF?!
Spike was moseying down the main corridor in the hall, enjoying an increasingly rare hour off. After scrub-a-dubbing the entire damn castle from stinky top to smelly bottom, the poor little blighter felt he was owed some downtime at least. En route to his bedroom though, he happened to catch a snatchet of a conversation from his friend/adoptive mother/slavedriver Princess T. Sparkle, and former psychopathic equality obsessive Starlight Glimmer who possessed no particular honourary title. You'd think after saving the world from the Changeling scum she'd have at least been elevated to 'Madam', but ah well. Such are the unfairities in the system.
The animated discussion was taking place behind the closed doors of the central chamber, and the opening dialogue seemed innocent enough. "...So, when's he arriving?" Twilight asked her reformed unicorn companion with eagerness.
"Soon. He told me he was going to be quick. He knows how desperate you are to see his package." Starlight spoke to reassure her mentor that things were running smoothly.
This small exchange caught Spike's reptilian ear, but he wasn't unduly concerned at this juncture. So, we're getting a visitor are we? It's probably somepony with a friendship problem. I better disappear before I'm roped into waiter service for the umpteenth time. Would it really kill them to fetch their own refreshments for a change?
The second part of the conversation though, raised the humble dragon's eyebrows considerably. "Can you tell me a bit about him? You've met him before, I presume." Twilight inquired curiously.
"Oh, he's strong, reliable, dependable... let's just say he always gets the job done. He can be as fast or slow as you want, too. When he eventually comes, you'll see what I mean." Starlight tried to allay the alicorn's obvious jitters.
"Well, I hope so... I've been waiting for this for a long time." Twilight seemed to be getting a bit impatient. "Tell me, will I have to lie down, stand up or doesn't it matter?"
"It's entirely your preference..." Starlight apparently knew what she was talking about. "...But I usually find that just shoving it in there and giving it a good few yanks does the trick every time."
All thoughts of superhero comic books, tasty jewels and young sheltered innocence had long since left Spike's sullied mind at this stage, and now he found his head almost magnetically sealed to the door, while each salacious detail was unveiled in the most casual way possible. T-They can't be talking about... n-no, I refuse to believe it...
"I have to ask...what's his tool like?" Twilight carried on, apparently unaware of the corrosive influence she was having on her special little guy lurking behind the panelwork. "Is it long? Bendy? What I mean is... can it reach the spot without being too painful?"
"You might get a tiny bit of discharge, as is typical for your first time..." Starlight was unfailingly honest about what was to follow. "...But it's well worth the inconvenience for the pleasure you'll feel afterwards! You just need to open up as wide as possible, and push it in as deep as you can."
"I have to admit, I'm slightly nervous. I don't want to cause any permanent damage..." Twilight spoke her fears to her student without regret. "After all's said and done though, and my 'little friend' pops out later on, I'm sure it'll be well worth it! Are you positive he's not just going to take me for a ride, though?"
"I told you, he'll treat you the the same as all of his other clients." Starlight promised the reticent royal. "Just because you're a princess, don't expect any special favours. He'll service you, and then he'll leave. Don't expect him to stump up for any future payments if anything goes wrong, either. This is strictly a one-time deal, no takebacks."
All of this new information was too much for poor old Spikey Wikey to process, and he began to sweat profusely. T-Twilight wants to... so she can give birth to a... but where does that leave me?! A-And why didn't she tell me any of this?! I'm supposed to be her oldest and closest friend, and instead she chose to confide in...
"Why do I have to go through with this? Can't I just try to swallow the stuff, won't that have the same effect?" Twilight now seemed to be looking for an easier answer to her dilemma.
"I told you before, it's not that easy. It won't work if you try sticking it up the other end, either. When you read the enclosed pamphlet, you'll see what I mean." Starlight continued to insist this wasn't a simple procedure. "I should know, after all I have tried it myself, otherwise I wouldn't be able to recommend it to you now."
"Oh, really?" Twilight replied, mildly intrigued. "Tell me, did his visit give you the desired effect? How did you feel later on, when all was said and done?"
"It was a she, actually." Starlight corrected her curious teacher. "...And to answer your question, it was absolutely fantastic! I tell you what, when I saw her piece and rubbed it against my squishy, sensitive area, I've never felt so satisfied in my entire life! I'd never tried it with a mare before, but I'd certainly do it again."
"Well, it sounds like I've got something to look forward to then!" Twilight finally seemed convinced by the merits of the unicorn's plan. "I can't thank you enough for setting all this up, Starlight. I've had this yearning for quite a while now and it finally looks like it's going to be taken care of. I might even invite all my friends around to watch... maybe they'll want to give him a go as well!"
"The more ponies I convince to use their services, the more future discounts I get, so that's fine with me!" Starlight was enthused at the prospect of word being spreading about. "Soon, all of Ponyville will have heard of them, and that makes me so proud. They even run a special club for colts and fillies, so they don't feel left out either. After all, it's good to start them off youn... oops, is that the front door? Sounds like he's here. Get ready Twilight, for an experience you'll never forget! I'll just go and let him in."
This should've been the cue for Spike to make himself scarce, but he was so utterly bewildered at the shock revelations he'd just heard, that the poor zombified dragon could only stand stock-still as Starlight opened the hall door. Tumbling to the floor without anything to lean on now, both equines inside looked puzzled at the drake's surprise appearance, with Twilight commenting first.
"Spike? What are you doing down there?! Shouldn't you be enjoying your time off? Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were eavesdropping..."
Starlight seemed a little more relaxed. "There there, Twilight... I'm sure he would've found out sooner or later about our little secret." She gently patted the head spines of the uncomfortably twitching reptile. "Tell me, Spike... are you at all interested in what we were discussing? It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. Even dragons have these urges every once in a while. In fact, I can introduce you to the guy now. Then, if you're not totally satisfied with his performance, you can join us all later..."
The protracted "NNNNOOOO!!" that emerged from the drake's lips at that point should've been a clue that whatever the unicorn 'pimp' was offering, he wasn't interested. Twilight and Starlight glanced at each other with confusion as their friend bombed up the stairs at a pace that would've turned Rainbow Dash green with envy, stopping only to emit gasping noises of hyperventilation as he disappeared from view.
"How very strange..." Starlight mused to her alicorn tutor, before remembering there was an impatient stallion waiting for her on the welcome mat. Opening up the front door, she saw a brownish mailpony in his typical uniform, with a large parcel addressed to Twilight.
"Here you go." He hoofed over the wrapped-up item, before tipping his hat politely and trotting away. Starlight wasted no time at all in passing it onto an expectant princess, who quickly unraveled the string with magic to reveal it's contents: A ponynalised toothpick with her name on it.
"See what I mean, Twilight? Your very own specially-designed dental product, brought to you by a highly professional delivery stallion. Like I said, I discovered this instant mailing service called Ponypost soon after moving here, and it's brilliant! Apart from the fact they use way too much packaging, but we can recycle that, right? Anyway, as much as I love Derpy, you have to admit... it's nice to get stuff on time for a change."
"Yes, I suppose so, but are you sure this toothpick is as good as you say it is, Starlight? I've never used one before, don't forget. This smidgen of broccoli near the back of my throat is driving me crazy though, and who knows what Celestia will think if she sees it during our meeting today."
"I told you, it's great! It's the first thing I ordered from their catalogue, after Trixie put tiny metal nuts by mistake into the fruit and nut cake we made together. It can shift anything Twilight, guaranteed! Needless to say though, the second thing I requested from them was a cookery book for Miss Lulamoon..."
"That was probably wise, Starlight. Anyway, while I'm getting ready, can you do me a favour and see what's up with Spike? First, he's secretly listening in on private conversations, then he's charging up the stairs like a mad banshee. I don't know what's gotten into him today."
"Sure thing, Twilight. I must confess, I was quite surprised at his reaction to my offer, as well. I always thought that dragons prided themselves on keeping their teeth in pristine condition. Before I go though, try not to look so down-in-the-mouth. Your meeting will go fang-tastic, and if it doesn't, you can always get me to fill-ing..."
"...Let me guess, Starlight. The third item you ordered was a joke book, am I correct? You've been hanging around Maud too much. Hoof it over now, if you please."
"How did you know? And, what are you going to do with it?"
"Just a lucky guess, I suppose. In answer to your second question, I'm going to disintegrate it this very instant. For the good of all ponykind."