Rainbow Reviews My Little Pony

by SciWriter

First published 8th of May, 2017

The dragon Torkuda finds the human world and learns about the series My Little Pony. So naturally he and Rainbow Dash set about to document their series for Book Horse.

The ponies from the You're Wanted AU discover the My Little Pony from the human world. Turns out the first few episodes were accurate... too accurate. Twilight worked that out, but all the same, Twilight sets Rainbow and the dragon Torkuda on a review series to see their reactions and the reactions of her other friends to the stories in the show.
Prepare for jokes, bewilderment and even a little drama as Rainbow and her friends try to respond to a series ostensibly about their lives... if they lived in a world without serious consequences where even their passed away parents are still alive... they aren't prepared.

Canterlot Botique- Why Bob Will Never Drink Again

Inside a cave in Canterlot Mountain, dragon Torkuda and I started the first episode of our “My Little Pony” review show. Twilight had specially requested this for some reason and decided to designate the task to her most qualified friend… most qualified to sit and watch TV. Me, Rainbow Dash, of course!

Have to admit, I’d never heard of this “TV” until Twilight brought it to my attention but… oh my goodness, where had it been all my life? It was from the human world, a way of telling stories through moving pictures, like you were actually watching a story on a small screen. I could just sit and watch a story without even reading… this was so awesome!

Twilight specifically wanted me to review one show in particular, and she gave me a camera to do so… something else from the human world.

I figured I didn’t want to do this alone, so I went to the cave of Torkuda for the first episode. Also, I needed his daughter Lightning to charge the TV’s and Camera’s batteries.

Having finished setting up the camera I went and sat on the small couch Torkuda had for his kids. Torkuda was with me, but he was so big, I was pretty sure all anyone could see was his head. Really his size terrified me at first, but that was a long time ago now. Now we were buds.

I waved to the camera. “Twi says that blinking light means it’s recording Tork so um… Hey there everyone, this is Rainbow Dash, the most awesome pony ever, and the most awesome Mom ever- cept for my mom, but well, ya know, she’s in heaven and all.” I gave a small whimper. I still missed my mom Firefly. I moved on quickly though, “That’s not what we’re here about. We’re here to give you all our thoughts on this weird show that we found out about.” Torkuda tapped me on the shoulder. “Oh right, “we” is me and the dragon Torkuda, though some of my other friends and my daughter might be here from time to time- oh and Torkuda’s kids.”

Torkuda spoke up, looking at the camera. “The story of how we found this show is probably rather interesting in it of itself. You see, this cave we’re in is more than my home, it is home to the Cave of Mirrors, a magical nexus of mirrors that leads to other worlds.

I found a world full of strange naked monkey like creatures who had replaced magic with science. They called themselves, “humans”. Observing them for a time, I found them to be quite fascinating actually. You see-

I tapped him on the chin. “That’s not what they’re here for though big buddy. See folks, Torkuda found a show there called “My Little Pony”. Kid’s show there, but something was off about it. You see, it was… somehow… a show about us here in Ponyville, particularly about me and my closest friends… our adventures had been- kidified… I guess that’s the word? Less mature than what really happened, but even as juvenile as some of the episodes where, they were eerily spot on to events that really happened in our lives.” I cringed thinking of the… accuracy. Right down to the first series two parter of the series chronically our first controversial use of the elements of harmony, resetting Luna’s mind by force. In real life, Twilight became hesitant to ever use the elements again after that, but we just kept needing them. It was creepy to see our lives made kid friendly, our most heart breaking decisions, sometimes made to look inconsequential. Bet the kids in the human world never dreamed Shinning Armor almost killed Cadence during their wedding, thinking she was still Chrysalis. “It was kinda creepy to have strangers making a show about us without even talking to us and asking what was okay to feature… even if it was in another universe. So Twilight, finding out about all this, had Torkuda let her visit the show producers personally.- That… that was apparently an interesting meeting- kinda wish I had been there, apparently there were a lot of gasps, stuttering and a couple swear words. Couple folks swore off drinking I hear, so that’s good.” I continued. “Anyway, she pushed the show staff to not work on some episodes about me adopting Scoots… would have been cool and all for the kids there maybe, but… like I said, kinda creepy for us.”

Above me Torkuda chimed in. “However I thought the show was interesting, all of it supposed to be pure fiction. Such a curiosity that someone else’s fiction could be our reality.”

I chuckled. “I’ll say, how am I in a TV show in another universe… what even is a TV anyway?”

“Um… I have books on the subject.”

I shook my head. I loved Daring Do and all but, “No, not a book filly, let’s just watch an episode, first one that occurred after Twilight’s talk with the staff, and then do the review.” I picked up a remote with my mouth and looked at it. “The buttons on this thing are really small.” I put it down. “How am I supposed too…” I looked around the room… how was I supposed to operate this thing? How did ANYTHING operate this remote exactly? Finally I picked up a pencil in my mouth from the table in front of the couch and hit a few buttons with it. Maybe that’s how humans hit small buttons… seems cumbersome. “See you all after the episode!”

(***)

I switched off the TV. Spitting out the pencil “Well we’re back, and hey, we got Rares to join us!”

My white unicorn friend spoke up, nodding to the camera. “Yes, I suppose I rather enjoyed the production… sort of… much better than when they… in more than one episode, accurately portrayed fights between me and my sister…”

I bit my lip, but put in, “We talked about that already. Twilight set the producers straight. But still, what did you think of the show? Elaborate… this is for Bookworm, roll with it.”

Rarity nodded side to side. “Well, I suppose it was good for children, Sweetie would have understood it but… well it’s like the producers know nothing about real business… or they think I’m an incompetent store owner.”

This sounded interesting to even me, but I still had to make sure things stayed on track. “Guess we can get to that part, but I made a list, since hey, I wanna make this entertaining and… Twilight made the list… she wanted me to say I did to keep the environment but… yea no one’s gonna buy that.” I lowered my eyebrows looking at a paper in my hooves. “She’s the one who wants us to make full formal reviews, I’m just gonna try to liven it up. We’re making this for her studies. First she wants to talk about the first scene, the one with Pinkie.”

Torkuda spoke up curiously. “Yes… does Pinkie often make cupcakes with flavors like that?”

I tried to answer. “Weeeellllll, um… there’s a reason Pinkie doesn’t own Sugar Cube Corner herself. She is REALLY impulsive. She gives random ponies treats all the time and she impulse bakes. I mean you name it it’s ended up in her cupcakes.”

Rarity chuckled, “Sometimes we wonder if she’ll put ponies in them some day.”

I laughed. “She’s goes crazy, she’ll never catch me!... Ah who am I kidding, I’ll probably go first. But seriously, she has surprised me with cinnamon cupcakes once.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.” Rarity pointed out.

I grinned. “Not until you realize she substituted the cinnamon for the flour. It tasted terrible and I was chocking out brown dust for like five minutes!”

Rarity paused, but then tried to respond. “How would she even… I know a thing or two about baking and…”

“It’s Pinkie, don’t question it. Anyway though… hey Rarity, is it is really your lifelong dream to open a shop in Canterlot?}

Rarity shook her head. “Well darling… I mean, it’s always been a goal, or was, though just one shop in one city seems awfully specific. What I wanted was for my dresses to be worn all over Equestria, but yes, Canterlot has always been a huge step… but well… over time on that dream, I’ve matured. You see, when I started out as a fashionista in my shop here in Ponyville, I invested all my capital in a shop in Canterlot… but I had no idea how to run a shop in a completely different city it turned out and all the money I invested was lost…" Rarity hung her head. "Plus well, even more money than that… That’s how I lost my first boutique… and the second when I tried again. After the second time I had to go home to my parents because I had lost everything and had to depend on them for a place to stay, I had to think about what I really wanted. You see, some ponies would have continued fighting for a formal franchise for the rest of their lives-and many would have gotten it, I’m not saying that’s impossible. But some, have to ask themselves, even if they got that franchise, would it really make them happy? In my case, I realized, I don’t so much like just knowing my dresses have been sold and are being worn, I want to interact with my customers, to see my creations in the real world. I can’t do that with a dress made on an assembly line in Griffenstone and sold in Canterlot. Ultimately, it’s an adventure with its own hardships, but I decided a small personal shop is what I really wanted. I… I guess I wouldn’t be able to fault this Rarity for having a different conclusion than myself, if she considered things just as hard. That being said, I am fairly successful for the size of my business, so it allows me to live quite comfortably I must say.”

I normally didn’t care about business stuff, but I listened this time with wrapped attention. After all, Rarity was a good friend. I even had questions, but decided it would be better to move on. “What did everyone think of the intro? I kinda like my lines in the song… well line… it was brief…”

Rarity had a different take however. “Generic. If you liked it, it’s fine darling, but I heard nothing interesting.”

Torkuda shook his head. “Honestly I just ignored it.”

I twisted my lips. “Okay… probably should get Vinyl if I want to review songs. Anyway, hey Rares, Twi wants to ask about one of the throw away lines. In the show you bought the shop with money from your deal with Saphire Shores tours… so, the question is obvious, since you didn’t really do that, how loaded are you?”

Rarity lowered her eyebrows and stole the list from me with her magic. “She wanted to know if I thought that really would have bought me a shop in Canterlot; just one tour. The answer is… maybe, but I doubt it. There’s a lot of overhead to buying a shop, as I found out. Maybe that would have paid for the store itself, but I would have to stock up dresses and other items in advance… it’s a complicated process you see-“

“Hold up, off hand, what about Sassy Saddles, what did everyone think of her character?”

Rarity’s eyes went wide. “SASSY SADDLES!??? You know that’s a real pony right? Goodness gracious I wish she did work for me… heck there was a time I would have loved to work for her! She is super famous in the fashion industry. That being said, as to her character in the production, I have to say that I would have been more disappointed in my own character than hers. Seriously, not discussing anything with her ahead of time? Rarity was the manager correct?… Odd to talk about myself in the third person… So why didn’t she manage? She never asserts her authority or a positive plan of her own until she’s ready to throw in the towel. How in the world was Sassy supposed to respond? She was left to figure everything out on her own. When you give someone a job and no direction, you really can’t blame them when the result isn’t what you wanted.

I paused for a minute. Then spoke up, processing this strange turn. “So safe to say you didn’t like your own character…?”

“I should say not. Looks like she got the money, bought the shop and expected things to just sort of… work… kind of reminds me of a young me… I hate her for the fact that it actually worked for her.”

I shook my head. Time to get back on track I guess. “But the question was what did you think of Sassy?”

Rarity nodded, then answered. “I think it looked like she did a spectacular job with the resources she had. She gave Rarity financial success, how was she to know that’s not what she really wanted? It’s what most ponies want when they build a business. Oh and the overwhelming work? For Celestia’s sake, hire some employees you lazy prima donna!”

I did a double take. Rarity didn’t at all seem lazy to me in the show. “Lazy? She was doing all that work-“

Torkuda started laughing. “No actually, she’s quite right, that Rarity was being lazy. She apparently had always made dresses herself, and training someone else to do it for her would take time, investment and risk, much safer and easier to just keep overwhelming herself. Laziness takes more than one form. Sometimes it’s not so much doing nothing, as not doing what you need to do. Laziness is taking the safe option, even if that ends up hurting you in the end… Why are you looking at me like that?”

I processed what Torkuda said, maybe something I could use later in life ya know. Still, I was giving him the lazy eye. “You are such a dad. I guess that’s a compliment but… you are such a dad… and I’m a mom, maybe I should be asking for tips.” I switched gear. “Oh hey Rares, was there anything about that Rarity that was like you?”

“Well yes darling. The rules of TLC, time, love and couture… well, if my employees are practiced enough the time goes down but-“

I quickly interjected, with a question that in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have had to ask. “Wait, you have employees? I thought you made all your own dresses, like you did for that blue one you gave me.”

“When I make personal gifts for my friends of course I make them myself, it just… it just adds that extra element of myself to it I feel. But goodness Rainbow, there are thousands of ponies in this town who come to my shop, do you really think I make all those dresses personally? Sheesh you have ponies help you kick clouds, let alone making an intricate dress… not that I mean your job is easy.”

I chuckled. “Don’t apologize, it is an easy job. But I’m a single mom right now so… things even out.”

Rarity smile and patted me on the head. “I’ve dealt with Sweetie, she’s cute but if I had to care for her full time… you have the harder job. Anyway, I also model many of my dresses after my friends. Actually Torkuda, I made a very interesting yellow and blue piece after watching your daughter and son playing. And you Rainbow, I’ve made several rainbow inspired pieces, one line I even sold with a complimentary orange plushy dog to commemorate your adoption of Scootaloo. It was so cute!”

“At least it wasn’t a chicken.” Torkuda pointed out.

Rarity had to think for a minute on that one and so did I. “Why would I… what?”

“What does a chicken have to do with Scootaloo?” I asked.

“I’ve learned that in the human world there is a large fan base for our show who call themselves bronies.” Torkuda explained.

“So… what?” I asked back.

“They call Scootaloo the chicken.”

“Why?” I asked.

“A chicken is a flightless bird.”

I paused to think. “I…” my eyes went wide. “Oh those JERKS! She’s disabled… “

Rarity tried to clam me down. “Now Rainbow-“

But my mom instincts had already been triggered… heck that would have triggered my big sister instincts. “I WANNA CRACK SOME SKULLS!”

Rarity patted me on the head as I seethed. “Please let’s move on.”

I folded my foreleg. “Fine.”

“Another thing I have in common with that Rarity is that I really have ponies model my dresses. In fact, since you gained a daughter that you constantly want me to foal sit for…”

“I haaaaate modeling… but its payment for letting me get out of the house for a bit.” I interrupted.

“You have a perfect figure for it darling.”

I started rapidly blinking my eyes at Rarity in the most creepy way I could manage. “Why thankyou darling!”

Rarity started backing away from my creepy fashionista impression. “Please don’t… In any case, I also really do like selling to customers personally… seriously stop that or you’re trying on the straight jacket I’m designing for the local asylum.”

“Wait you’re designing a what?” I asked.

“They offered a decent sum, why not?” Rarity asked back.

“Well because… because…. You’re designing a what?... um- um… Hmmm- so what did everyone think of the show over all?”

Torkuda nodded his head. “I think Lightning and Dusk would have loved it, it’s about their speed, and it’s about their heroes. Personally I enjoyed the message it was trying to send. Beyond that, I didn’t find it particularly interesting.”

I had similar sentiments really. “I liked the parts with Pinkie and few of the other jokes, but ehhh, it was okay.”

Rarity picked up the remote off the table with her magic, turning it over and over. “How does this work- oh right the show… those buttons are so small… Right, show. Personally… it was good for what it was. It got all kinds of things wrong, for instance, one hundred dresses isn’t that many to make, it’s why you have employees… but for the audience, it makes sense that everything was scaled down. Though… I must say, I did get some ideas for some new dresses. Rainbow, would you like me to foal sit-“

“And with that, we’re done for today, Imma a fly-bye!” And I shot away.

Author's Notes:

BTW, everyone can ask questions in the comments and I'll do my best to answer "in character" of the ponies in the story.

Rarity Investigates- No It's Not Sexist!

Rarity clicked the remote with her magic, the next episode over. She twisted her face and then cocked her head.

“Well? What did you think? I kinda like it,” I said.

“I… I don’t know what to think… what’s on Twilight’s outline?” she asked back.

“Well first she wants us to talk about the setting,” I said with a slight yawn.

“Well… I see they were being consistent and staying in Canterlot. I half expected them to forget my shop and just move somewhere else. I mean, it’s a clearly a children’s story and kids don’t always remember from one story to the next… well actually, I suppose they can. I remember a few of the stories I read to Sweetie when she was younger. She always remembered if I told something wrong, she even remembered the things I sometimes add-libbed better than I did… Maybe that’s something other children’s series should be careful about.”

“Guess I should be careful about Scootaloo’s bed time stories…” I said, not sure if I wanted that special time ruined by over thinking the experience. The filly only wanted me to do it every once in a while as it was. “So um…” I read, “Do you really use novels for inspirations for dresses?”

“Oh on occasion of course,” Rarity replied. “Oh and I do enjoy Shadow Spade… it’s just… how do I put this?”

“What’s bothering you?” asked Torkuda.

“Maybe it’s all in my head. I just noticed something.” I raised an eyebrow to her and waved for her to go on. “Well… Shadow Spade is a stallion in the story. Now, to be fair, in the human world this is all fiction anyway, so by some twist they probably don’t know that. But I’m noticing something in this series. Rainbow, can you tell me of one good male character that appeared in the whole of these last two episodes?”

I went to speak up and say a few names easily, after all the episodes had varied casts but… I paused. “No… actually I thought Spike was supposed to be in this, but he wasn’t in the last two…”

“To be fair, we’ve only seen two episodes,” Torkuda pointed out.

“Plenty of time to give a single good example of half the species,” I noted.

Torkuda chuckled. Rarity looked at him curiously. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh I think I know where this is going with you two. You will be wrong. But what will you learn if I just tell you so? Go ahead, keep going on this track. I’ll help you out in the end.”

“You don’t need to dad us, we’re adults,” I commented.

Rarity smiled, she liked intellectual inquiry or whatever, way more than I did. She wasn’t even invested in being right, just learning. Never saw the draw, but hey, having smart friends has benefits. “Well, like I was starting to say, one thing to note, I don’t understand why these people seem to think everything to do with dresses has to be female centered.”

“Cause girls wear dresses,” I commented. “Didn’t break a sweat answering that one.”

“Then what’s a kilt?” Rarity asked. “Actually through history, stallions have worn dresses all the time. The distinction is just a recent creation and not entirely set in stone even now. Besides, not every piece shown in the show was really a dress formally. Also I have modeled dresses after stallions. Beautiful ones at that, Rainbow.”

“This is something about beauty being more than skin deep isn’t it?” I asked.

“You’ve never seen a stallion as beautiful?”

“Handsome, yes… maybe a little humin-a-humin-a if you know what I mean, but, not so much beautiful.”

“Hmm… you just have to know what you’re looking for,” Rarity said. “A rock isn’t beautiful, but put it with many others in front of a setting sun, and it’s gorgeous.”

I sighed. I guessed what Rarity said was profound there, but I didn’t get it. A pencil tapped me on the shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and suddenly remembered something. “Oh crap, hi there Vinyl,” I said. “You’ve been so quiet this whole time-“ the disabled white unicorn glared at me over the couch arm I was leaning on. “Oh- um- that wasn’t a joke about you being mute, I’m sorry, you just tend to be quiet and I forget you’re there… I mean I didn’t hear you- why is this so hard?”

“Do you like digging holes with your mouth or something darling?” Rarity asked me.

“She knows I’m good,” I finally said rolling my eyes. Vinyl kept glaring at me. “In fact you were just kinda messing with me there huh?” She kept glaring for a few seconds, but then she grinned. I grunted. “Fine you got me… how often do you do that to ponies?” Vinyl looked off into the distance, motioning her mouth as if to whistle. “That often huh?” She gave a sheepish grin. “So, we brought you here for a reason. What did you think of the intro song?” Vinyl opened her mouth, stuck out her tongue and pointed her hoof at her throat making choking sounds. “That good huh?” I said smiling. She gave me a lazy eyed stare. She showed me a note and I read it aloud, “”So bad it’s not worth the time to critique, that clear enough for you?””. I nodded, “So it’s you’re new favorite? I’ll let Lightning know all about-“you make my mentoree think I liked it, you’ll be eating this notepad with the pencil as dessert.””. I chuckled. “Always good to hang with ya Vinyl.” She grinned and slugged me with her elbow. She then walked out of the room.

I returned to talking to Rarity. “Okay,” I said. “We’ll get back to this being a sexist show in a bit,”

“I don’t know that it’s sexist per say but well…”

“In a minute,” I said. “I just wanted to point something out- I FREAKING LOVED THAT THE REAL WONDER BOLTS FEATURED IN THIS!”

Rarity laughed. “Oh that’s right. You were sitting there listing off their names and records each time they appeared on screen. I have to wonder… I guess I’m getting a bit personal here, considering… do you ever regret not following your dreams and becoming a Wonder Bolt in real life… can’t you still try to join?”

I sighed. “This is real life Rarity. I wouldn’t trade Scootaloo’s happiness for taking the position of top bolt. I have a job already, along with a daughter, and… well I’m sorry, being a Wonder Bolt is a full time career that requires months of intense training and often constant deployment. I would hardly see Scoots for half the year, and even if I could stomach that, let’s not forget, it was neglect that her first mother was arrested for so… I need to be a mother whose present okay? Not just ANOHTER MARE WITH A BETTER EXCUSE FOR WHY SHE’S NEVER AROUND!” Rarity backed up a little on the couch. I shook my head. I realized I was starting to shout. “Sorry… touched a nerve. No, I can’t try to join again. Scoots won’t be grown enough for me to leave for another… I don’t know, ten years? About that much. Then I’ll be 31. They don’t recruit ponies that old because the training causes injuries… come to think of it, I don’t know what makes someone who’s thirty softer than someone who’s twenty, but the rules are the rules. I gave up one thing for another.”

Torkuda gave a bit of a smile. “Are you sure you made the choice you wanted?”

“What I want isn’t the question. It’s what she needs. My stupid wants… no matter how much I DO want them, aren’t anywhere near as important as…I just hope I’m good enough to be what she ne-“

“Sounds like you are,” The dragon said with a wink.

I looked down. “Don’t… Twilight, when you watch this, don’t show this to Scoots if she’s with you. Just, skip this part for her okay?”

Rarity tapped her chin a few times. “Rainbow, something has always been nagging at me, but I never find the opportunity and desire to research it come at the same time. What exactly are the Wonder Bolts?”

I smiled. Surprisingly many ponies think the bolts are just performers. “They’re an elite rescue and rapid deployment unit. Most of what they train for is actually rescuing ponies from disasters or in the case of an enemy invasion. They’re trained in basic combat of course, but really their roll is mostly rescue. Equestria has had it good for a while though, so you only see a few stories every now and then about their real jobs. Spitfire herself showed me her trophy room after I said I couldn’t join… she was trying to convince me to stay… anyway, she had her trophies, then a bunch of drawings. She said the drawings were her real trophies. They were from foals she had saved from fires, tornadoes and floods. Those pictures meant a lot more to her than a few golden cups she won by showing off.” I looked down again. “I… I don’t mean to say what they do isn’t important. It is. I just have a different mission it turns out.”

I looked at Twilight’s outline again. “So Rares, have you ever used your wiles on a stallion before?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Is Sweetie going to see this?” she asked, with a kind of embarrassed expression. “If she does, Twilight, skip this part. Um… yes.”

“Yes?” I said, a little surprised. “You were talking about sexism back there, isn’t that kind of-“

“Using my body in a perverse way, like those busy body mare activists say? Not every action I take needs to be analyzed to make sure I’m the best example of all mares or whatever. Honestly, if I can get a bigger piece of cake by batting my eyes at a stallion, then screw it, I’ll do it. Why not, I’m not hurting anyone. But c’mon Rainbow, you’ve never tried to get a stallion to do something by being a little flirty?”

I took a back. I never saw this side of Rarity before. I was… intrigued. “Nnnnoooo-do you do it all the time?”

She rolled her eyes. “Well… often enough.”

“Isn’t that called, ya know, teasing?”

“Yes, yes it is. And they like it. And honestly, I’m not the only one teasing someone with my body. I swear, sometimes when I’m fitting a stallion, he knows I’m having… fun… and does a few flexes for me. Sometimes I give them a discount for it.”

“How many times have you-“ I started but Rarity cut me off.

“I’ve corrupted you enough darling, none of your business.” She said with a chuckle.

I looked back at the outline. “Oh here you go, you ever heard about the cologne juniper phoenix?-Why would she want to know that?”

“Probably because Twilight knows about it too. It has a hilarious add campaign, but sweet Celestia, it smells awful. I can see it making mares run alright, away from whatever stallion is using it.”

I never smelled the stuff myself, but I still chuckled at the visual. “Take it the show wasn’t accurate on that point?”

“It’s definitely distinctive,” Rarity said.

I smiled, the next question was for me. “Hmm, next, would Spitfire have ever talked me up like she did in the show? Um… even outside of training, I’ve never seen Spitfire talk up anyone still in training. You have to prove you’re an elite to get recognition, and if you haven’t proven yourself, she’s pretty black and white about it. She talks me up now, but I’m not in training anymore, not even a reservist. She really regrets me slipping through her hooves she says.” I shrugged. “There are times, I like to hold over her head how she talked down to me in training. She did it to everyone, and I know I’m not being fair, but who cares, its fun to rub her nose in it sometimes.”

“So you and Spitfire are friends now?” Rarity asked.

“Yea, I mean she never bragged on me as a trainer, but she always respected me as an element bearer.” I looked at the list again. “Anyway, Twilight wants to know two things about the scene where I spilled something on you… wow that’s specific- anyway, she wants to know if I really use spitshine- of course I do, who doesn’t-“

“You had better never use it on a dress I’m wearing…” Rarity interrupted.

“And then she wanted to know if you really do toss dresses if they get stained.”

“I… I should say not!” Rarity said. “A dress is expensive, even if I made it. There is such a thing as a spot remover, sheesh!”

I nodded. Really even I knew the answer to that question, Rarity didn’t like anything happening to her creations in real life. Okay, so she wasn’t the type to go get them out of the trash when another pony tossed them, but she kept and restored dresses that were returned to her frequently. I looked at the next question. “And then we get to when I’m accused of tricking Spitfire. I can see how I would be kicked off the team, but yea, the idea that they were ready to kick me out without so much as having proof… are you kidding?”

Torkuda nodded. “There is such a thing as innocent until proven guilty. When it comes to justice, I always like to say, “to listen and believe, is to invite to deceive”. You have to be critical before passing judgement.”

“Yes, imagine a world without innocent until proven guilty!” Rarity said. “Rainbow could just accuse me here of raping her or something and that would be it, I’d be in jail!” Rarity shrugged. “Let’s go off list for a bit Rainbow. I want to talk about a few points of my “investigation”. I really do like that my character was being so keen. For instance, I did notice the hair from your mane was cut while watching the show, but I didn’t realize it was actually going to be relevant to the resolution. That was a clever point!”

“I noticed that too...” Rarity raised an eyebrow to me. “What? I’m a visual learner remember? Surprised my character didn’t catch on really.”

Rarity then put her hoof to her chin. “Then there was the part with the guards… I’m sorry, but I have to bring this up again. Once again, the show paints stallions in the least flattering light possible and they lay these stereotypes on thick!”

“I thought it was hilarious personally. Thought you said you flirt all the time,” I pointed out.

“I do on occasion- excuse me- not all the freaking time!” she snapped. I gave her a sheepish grin, then hung my head in apology a little. “Like I was saying, stallions are people. You can’t just swish your mane at them and get whatever you want. They’re not just obstacles. For a series called “Friendship is Magic”… they do realize you can be friends with the opposite sex right? You just have to treat them with actual respect!”

I shook my head. “Rares, I don’t think that’s what they intended…”

“Then why is there so little representation?” she asked. “If it’s because the main audience is supposed to be fillies- excuse me, girls, can’t girls also learn from boys and… what’s the word… men?”

“I’m pretty sure they can Rarity, but the story just focuses on mares, that’s all.”

Torkuda just chuckled behind us. “So Rarity, you have a suspicion of discrimination, now, where’s your proof?”

“There are no male characters,” Rarity said with her hoof in the air and starting to look angry.

“I counted plenty,” Torkuda said back.

“Well… true, but they were all either dumb or evil. Name one that looked like a decent person!”

“Soarin,” Torkuda replied.

“I… oh right… he did. He was even the first to stand up when the truth was revealed.” She looked over at the small TV from the human world. “Am I the one being unfair?... wait… any of the mares act as stupid as the stallions?”

“Rainbow Dash acted pretty air headed,” Torkuda pointed out.

“Yep I- HEY!” I shouted.

Torkuda smiled but ignored me. “It’s admirable to be concerned with the plight of others, especially if what’s effecting them doesn’t affect you,” Torkuda continued. “However, remember, you always need proof. You can’t just assign a motive.”

Rarity gave a twisted smile, looking a little embarrassed. Feeling my own embarrassment, I had to ask something. “Um… guys, do you think I can ever be as air headed as in the episode… I mean, that was just comic exaggeration right…?” Rarity and Torkuda both looked at me and paused. “Well, ya know, don’t spare my feelings, just be honest…”

Rarity chuckled, “Oh, well in that case,” she looked up at Torkuda. “I think it falls short of reality.”

“You really have your moments,” said the dragon. “Let’s not forget the adoption you keep bringing up, that happened in less than a week. You really don’t think before you act.”

I looked down, blushing, “Yea, as evidence, I asked that question.

Rarity grabbed me in a head lock. “Oh darling, you’re OUR air head!” I pushed her off with very little effort and she fell to the floor of the cave. I then felt myself levitated off the back end of the couch and landed on my back. I shot back over the couch and we resumed our places, Rarity having a big smirk on her face.

“I’m only letting you get away with that because I know how unfair of a fight it would be,” I said.

“I thankyou, Scootaloo probably wants you home in one piece darling,” Rarity said. I intelligently suck my tongue out at her. “In any case, I also noticed that in the story, my character didn’t really use deduction so much as assumption. In many cases, like with the cake, she already knew her conclusion before she said it. From what I know of investigations, this is actually a bad idea. You’re supposed to ask open ended questions, not put ideas into the heads of witnesses. That can cause them to “remember” things that never happened.” She then rolled her eyes. “And, yes, I’m reserving judgement… but still, who here is surprised that the villain was a stallion?... Though I will ask, he was a very obvious stallion, so how did he pull off Rainbow’s voice?”

Torkuda shook his head. “Actually I appreciate that the villain got some kind of just desserts in this story. As to the voice… that’s a good question. Rainbow you have a very unique voice.”

“Scoots can do my voice pretty easily, but no one else,” I said with a nod, proud of myself and my daughter, only we could do my raspy female voice. I’ve been told it’s not exactly pretty, but it’s mine and mine alone.

Rarity took the list. “Do we really need this thing?” she asked. “If Twilight wants to direct the conversation, she should be here.” She tossed it over her shoulder. “Let’s keep going, it’s more fun if we’re talking naturally. I think I can remember the order of events… Now, here’s a question, the forged letter said where Spitfire had gone, so, why didn’t anyone looking for her go in that direction? Or did they seriously wait until the end of the episode to actually READ the note?”

“How did I not notice that?” Torkuda asked.

“I did… it was weird. Is that what’s called a plot hole?” I asked. Rarity nodded. “And then, if no one else could get to Spit… how did I get to her so fast? I’m fast, but even I have my limits… plus I’m a sprinter, not a marathon flier.”

Rarity levitated the list back to herself. “Hmmm, we seem to have skipped a point… about your little dances… Rainbow, have you ever danced like in the show when you got excited?”

I started to sweat. “I um… no, of course not… recently,” I scratched the back of my head. I then dropped the act. “Okay, let’s face it, we all know I’m the youngest of the group, I still dance like a filly when I get excited… ice cream girl,” I added to Rarity.

Rarity looked up and to the side. “Well I mean… chocolate has it’s… therapeutic properties.”

“Yes, so much therapy is needed when someone tells you your taste in dresses is bad. Everyone has their opinion Rares,” I said.

Torkuda laughed at our antics. I smiled over at him. “Oh Torky boy, don’t tell me you don’t have your moments of immaturity… what are they?”

“This is being documented. You think I’m dumb enough to say?” Torkuda said. “Nope, as far as everyone will know I am a wisdom dispensing dad, and I’m fine with that. I’m never ever immature.”

“Oh c’mon! Lightning Strike is still a rambunctious ball of energy, you can’t tell me her home example is perfect!” I shouted.

“Turn off the camera,”

“No, you’re telling!” I demanded. “I’ll make you!” He just laughed to this. “I can’t hurt you but I can always just talk to Lightning, she’s terrible with secrets.”

“Oh and of course, an eight year old child can tell you all about the secrets of a five hundred year old dragon.”

“It’s possible,” I said, wanting to defend my threat. “Ya know what? Episode over, Imma talk to her, you’ll see, I’ll get something embarrassing, “daddy”.” I turned off the camera.

Made in Manehattan- Sorry, Wrong Friendship Problem

On went the camera, and out went the Twilight Sparkle, after discussing what she wanted us to talk about- or so she thought. Rarity used her magic to yank the purple alicorn back to the couch.

“Alright now darling, I know you want notes on the parts of the episode you’re not in only, but- no, we’re not doing that. You’re answering some questions too,” Rarity said.

A little yellow filly with a blue mane flew around the couch, wings buzzing far too fast for the pace she was going. Lightning Strike was her name, the adopted daughter of Torkuda. Kiddo didn’t know wing control yet, but still, she was fun to hang around sometimes. “I’m really happy to be part of a Rebel Rainbow show!” she grinned at me.

“Why do you call me “Rebel Rainbow”?” I asked, not able to hold that question back anymore.

“That’s what the Great and Musical Trixie called you,” she answered, as if that should have made sense.

I blinked a few times. “The whosa-whatsit now?” I asked.

“Trixie bard!” Lightning said. “I’ll have to tell you the whole story some time.” The filly finally sat down next to me, eyes beaming up at me. I had heard bits and pieces about who “Rebel Rainbow” was before but, never the whole story. I was tempted to tickle her until she agreed to tell the whole thing but… eh, whatever.

Rarity levitated a list in front of herself. “Actually Twilight, I made my own list of questions.”

“I don’t like you two messing with the parameters of the experiment…” Twilight said.

“Darling, to us this is really just a game!” I said, pointlessly impersonating Rarity, just to see everyone roll their eyes.

“Well… it sort of is,” Rarity admitted. “We’re having fun. C’mon, we’re watching a foal’s show.”

“I know, that’s why I wanted Lightning and Dusk in this episode,” Twilight said.

“An’ what am ah ere’ for?” Apple Jack asked, standing behind the couch.

“You were in the episode,” Twilight said with a shrug. “And Torkuda is here because this is his home.” The dragon nodded.

“Yay! My two most favorite element bearers, Honest Apple and Rebel Rainbow, mortal enemies and best friends!” Lightning yelled suddenly.

Myself and “Honest Apple” looked at her for a minute. “Okay um… ah really need ta hear that story some time… sounds like it might be good.”

“Right well, back on subject,” Rarity said. “Twilight, do you really ever get bored of reading like in the beginning of the episode?”

“Hm? Well, I mean anything can get boring,” Twilight said with a shrug.

“Well I just thought reading was your favorite thing to do and all,” Rarity pointed out.

“Well, that’s a toss up really,” Twilight said. “Between that and playing board games with Spike.”

“You an’ Spike… hold on, ah thought he was just your glorified secretary,” Apple Jack said.

“Are we that subtle about it?” Twilight asked. “Spike was my first friend ever… practically my little brother.”

“I play board games with Dusk too!” Lightning said, pointing at her much quieter little brother. The blue colt had yet to speak up, and had she not spoken up about him, I would have forgotten he was in the room. “What’s your favorite game Twilight?”

“Mine is Upwords, but Spike is more into jacks,” Twilight replied.

“Here’s a good one, Twilight about how fast do you read?” Rarity said, going down her list.

Twilight shook her head, looking up from a book she was apparently already five pages into. “Oh… um… pretty fast. Kind of a curse really. I read fiction out loud so I can slow down sometimes.”

“Oh hey, real quick, Lightning and Dusk, what did you two think of the intro song?” I asked the two kids.

“My Little Pony-“ Lightning sang in a horrible tone.

“I used to wonder what friendship could be-“ Dusk sang in a monotone voice.

“until you all shared it’s magic with me!” Lightning belted out.

“Big adventure!” I suddenly broke in. I looked over at Rarity.

“I… fine.” She grunted then, sang, “Tons of fun!”

Apple Jack smiled. “A beautiful heart faithful and strong.”

“Sharing kindness!” Lightning shouted.

“It’s an easy feat!” Dusk monotone.

Then myself, AJ, Rarity and the two foals finished the song. “And magic makes it all complete, My Little Pony-“ Twilight joined in with our… probably the most awful rendition of this song ever. “Did you know you’re all my very best friends!” I looked over at Torkuda to see he had shoved his fingers into his ears.

“You all done yet?” he asked. I nodded.

I grinned. “Care to explain to everyone how the friendship map really works Twilight… and how we found out?” I asked.

“Oh right.” She thought for a moment. “Well you see,” and then looked at the kids, the only two in the room who didn’t already know this story- well maybe the dragon didn’t either but he wasn’t a cute little kid. “First off, it displays the cutie marks of the ponies in distress, so we aren’t just guessing. Also, yes, it does suggest to ponies each time but well… you see, I used to follow its suggestions religiously until one day it summoned me and Rainbow in the middle of the night. We passed out at the map, just to find our butts ringing again the next day for mission complete. Apparently a visiting night guard pony had seen the map and got the genius idea to try to fix the friendship problem himself… he succeeded. Turns out all you really need is a heart and a brain.” Twilight hung her head. “Guess that’s poetic and I should have figured but… really sucks that thing didn’t come with instructions.”

I laughed outloud. “Yep, first time I got a signal I went to the bathroom, thought I had diarrhea… helped get some of the pizza out though so… let’s not go into details on that one.”

“Alright then,” Twilight said, taking the notes. “Back to the things I want to know, out of the two of you, AJ and Rarity, which of you has the biggest problem with big cities in real life?”

“Ah don’t like em’, but ah actually spent about a year in Manehattan as a filly, so I can adjust,” AJ answered.

“Me however… honestly every time I go to a big city something bad happens. I had a necklace stolen, a few designs were almost stolen, it’s hard to even cross the street!”

“Funny, I would have thought the show got it right,” Twilight said.

“Ha ha,” AJ laughed. “Ain’t you the stereotyper?”

“I got lost last time we were in Manehattan Twilight, don’t you remember?” Rarity asked. “I was so scared because Sweetie was with us… turned out she stayed with the group and she had to calm me down… it was embarrassing really.”

“Yea well, everyone makes mistakes. I thought you just messed up. I mean, c’mon you’re basically THE pony of fashion,” Twilight said. “YOU don’t like the big city?”

“I like dresses, doesn’t mean I like getting mugged,” Rarity replied.

“Well what about you Twilight?” I asked. “You like the city?”

“Hm? Actually yea,” Twilight replied. “There’s so much history in big cities, which means plenty of research to do… plus, sorry, but the book selection in here in Ponyville is sadly lacking… How does everyone else feel about cities?”

“We dragons mostly avoid the city… because Celestia threatens war if we don’t- and the kids have never been,” Torkuda replied.

“Me?” I asked. “I’ve only ever gone with you guys but… kinda stuffy I guess. Not much room to run around or open up my wings. Feel like a caged bird, even when I’m outside. Guess you can put me in the “not a city pony” category.”

Torkuda chuckled. “Well, I’m definitely in that category… ah casual racism.”

“Wait what?” I asked, but everyone just laughed at me.

“Don’t worry about it,” he assured me.

“Oh and I just remembered something in the episode, apparently I missed the sisterhooves social, you all know there is a brotherhooves social right?” Rarity asked. “Anyone know how it works?” Everyone shook their head. She looked up at Torkuda. “Off hoof… maybe you know?”

“If I showed up? Probably a lot of screaming and running I’d imagine,” he answered.

I laughed. “Ya know what else is funny, that scene where Rarity steals some poor guy’s customer… I mean sheesh, she didn’t even offer to buy something herself, just sat there with a sh-iazzah eating grin…” I said, remembering the kids were in the room, “eating grin.” Dusk gave me a confused look. “What’s shiazzah? It’s um…” Torkuda raised an eyebrow to me, “It’s um… it’s a kind of raccoon.”

“Why would you eat a raccoon?” Dusk asked.

“That question would be even funnier if he knew what you meant to say,” Rarity whispered to me. “It’s just supposed to be a funny saying darling,” she assured him. “Imagine trying to eat a raccoon- would you start with the tail?”

“I would just swallow it whole,” Torkuda replied, everyone becoming silent. He smiled and we relaxed, remembering he was mostly a softie.

Rarity nodded her head, recovering from the startled reaction to realizing we were all in the company of someone who could swallow us whole. “I also found it funny to see all the antics AJ and I went to to find out what the map was driving at-“

“Hey, I have a list you guys!” Twilight said.

“Annnnd- we’re not using it. C’mon Twilight, it’s just boring to use such a blunt list like that,” said Rarity.

Twilight sighed and tossed the list over her shoulder with her magic and sighed. “Fine.”

“Anyway, I especially liked my help stand,” Rarity said. “Well, everything except that pony in the stripped shirt who walked by. Such terrible fashion!”

“I liked him!” Lightning shouted.

“Well he passes the fashion sense of a tone deaf eight year old anyway,” Rarity said.

“Swallow whole,” Torkuda said casually.

“Which can be quite the bench mark!” Rarity said. “Hmm… well it was good to see show me also has a good relationship with Coco Pommel. Really, she helped me recover my stolen designs in Manehattan.”

“I would have invited her to the review too, but she lives in another city,” Twilight said. “Plus… we’re a little crowded today really.” I looked around the room, meant to accommodate a five story dragon comfortably... yes, Twilight had a small town pony's idea of "crowded". She thought for a second. “Hey AJ, do you remember if there were any community theaters in Manehattan?”

“Not that ah recall, but ah didn’t exactly explore the whole city,” AJ replied.

“There’s one in Ponyville, and it’s awesome! I love the puppet shows!” Lightning shouted.

“Hey, remember Luna’s puppet shows?” Dusk said.

“Oh that’s right, from your time when she was caring for you two,” I said. “Have to ask you two more about that some time.”

“Well… I mean she did a few puppet shows for us back when she was momma Luna…” Dusk said. “But, she also did one a few days ago.”

“Oh… missed that… hope me not showing up wouldn’t be considered an issue… sheesh, should have brought Scootaloo,” I said. “Hmm… oh you guys remember the pony who made the show in the… show… right?”

Rarity tapped her chin a few times. “Yes, Charity Kindheart right?”

“Now there’s a name that’s on the nose,” Apple Jack said, chuckling.

“Really? Apple Jack?” Rarity pointed out.

“Ya think so? What’s Jack fer?” she asked back.

“I… I don’t know,” Rarity replied.

“Actually um… you guys know there really is a Charity Kindheart right?” I asked.

“Really?” Lightning asked. “What does she do?”

“She’s one of the top Lunar guards, special ops I think,” I said. “Learned all about her while studying Wonderbolt history.”

Rarity laughed out loud. “You’re kid- oh… you’re not kidding are you?”

I smiled, “Actually, no, she’s real. Not sure what’s up with the name, but that cat could kill you in like seventy two different ways with a fork!”

“Sounds like we need to meet her,” Torkuda said with a smile. “So we can all make fun of her name.” Everyone stared at him. “What? Think I never get into mischief or something? We dragons protect the land from the outer demons. Luna’s guards help out sometimes, and it’s actually pretty fun to mess with them. Especially when they try to threaten us to make us stop.” We kept staring. “Not like we hurt them.”

Rarity finally knew what to say. “Oookaaay… good to know it’s not actually because of racism everyone is afraid of dragons… anyway… Just thinking, in the show, our characters are terrible planners.”

“Ah don’t think they “plan” much of anything Rares,” AJ pointed out. “The map just says, “go here” and off they go, no idea why, what they’re looking for or what they’re supposed to do. It’s a miracle anythin’ works out really.”

“Seriously!” Rarity exclaimed. “Even when we had a plan, trying to find volunteers, we kept going to ponies who were currently working. That’s like the worst time to bug someone about charity- you know, mid eight hour shift dealing with an ungrateful public and being dumped on by your boss.”

“Ha! In one scene, you and ah were talkin’ to a popcorn seller about volunteering instead of, ya know, the chuckle heads doin’ nothin’ buyin’ popcorn right in front of em’!” AJ said. “You ask someone who ISN’T in the middle of work about volunteer work, how hard a concept is that?”

“To be fair there was the one stallion,” I said.

“Doesn’t work one hundred percent of the time,” AJ said. “It’s called “volunteerin’” fer a reason. Guess ma character did eventually put in some backbone and work though, that’s good.”

“Yes, and your character excellently demonstrated why taking the map so literally can be a foolish idea. Even if you had put up a sign asking for volunteers, seeing only ONE pony at work on something you assume it’s just their job and the volunteer sign is for something else.” I said.

“Ya think?” AJ asked.

“Not a hard and fast rule there I suppose,” Rarity admitted. “Still, PUT UP A SIGN!” we all started laughing. “If no one has any idea what you’re doing, of course they’re not going to help, idiot!”

“More of the laziness of doing everything yourself I suppose,” Torkuda said. “She gave up on trying to get volunteers by that point, remember?”

“Oh well yes they tried to get volunteers one way for a few hours,” Rarity said. “As we all know, the wise old saying, if at first you don’t succeed, give up and do whatever!” We all laughed again, the kids probably a little oblivious to a few of the jokes, but they just laughed along. “That reminds me, AJ, dear, in the show your hat was destroyed, wasn’t that a gift from your father or something?”

“Um… wow… there’s a subject change!” AJ said. Rarity cringed. “Just kiddin’, ya don’t have to be serious every time ya bring up ma folks. They had good senses of humor themselves. Yes, ah do have a hat from ma dad, but sheesh Rarity, ya think ah wear that just anywhere? It’s fer special occasions not workin’ in the dirt. This thing ah’m wearing right now is from a thrift store… all the same, you have restored the real one a few times Rares… thanks.”

“Yes, I remember how hesitant you were to ask. I take good care of clothes of sentimental value though. I… guess saying it wasn’t fashionable wasn’t opportune the first time though… sorry.”

“It’s okay, ya’ apologized a long time ago fer that.”

Rarity nodded. “Then there was the further evidence in the show your character never plans. Why, in the name of all Equestria, if you knew the stage was unstable, didn’t you put up a caution sign?”

“Maybe they don’t have signs?” I said.

“That explanation is moronic but… it would explain so much…” Rarity said.

“All that being said, I have to point out I appreciate the show emphasizing the importance of community to children,” Torkuda pointed out. “Seems community slowly goes away as a city gets bigger. Not sure why.”

Rarity slouched her shoulders. “I think I know why. As a city gets bigger, it becomes more socialist and ponies make laws to force each other to do things that would normally be accomplished by community efforts, such as taking care of the elderly. Ponies stop feeling like they need to work with each other, as everything is just mandated. Is it so surprising they stop doing things like theater shows? Community comes from a sense that we need each other, not just sort of liking to share the street together.”

“Yea but… ya really think small town community efforts and such would function the same with thousands of ponies?” AJ asked back.

“Not sure. I do know that in the end, you need your neighbor even in a big city… if nothing else you need them to not be monsters so if they felt safe and like ponies around cared about them, you know, felt community… well you get the idea,” Rarity pointed out.

Twilight started staring at the two of them, moving her hoof back and forth. “Wait… you’re the one who at least tries to understand socialism…” she pointed at AJ, “And you’re the one who thinks it causes more problems than it solves?”

“Stop stereotypin’ Twi,” AJ said. “Ah was actually in the big city fer a while. Did some thinkin’ bout the way they did things and well… some of it made sense… still, Rarity isn’t wrong. Folks there often aren’t very nice.”

“Oh hey, I wanted to see the play… guess the episode didn’t have it though,” Lightning said. “Shucks…” I bopped her on the head. “But it was funny when the crowd lifted Coco on to the stage… I tried to- think it’s called crowd surfing? I tried to crowd surf a while back. You all know how I help Vinyl perform.” She put up a hoof, electricity dancing around it. “But well… when I tried to jump on the crowd… a crowd that had just seen me firing off powerful electric spells- yea, probably should have guessed I would end up eating dirt.”

In response to this, Rarity started giggling… a little too much. “What’s up Rares?” I asked.

“Oh nothing darling, I was just remembering what I was thinking while they were showing the play. If putting on the play was really why they were there, the map should have signaled them they were done before it even started, or at least before it finished. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if they went to all that work just to find out that was the WRONG friendship problem? It’s like, “I’m sorry but the problem was really between the big time business pony and the gal selling popcorn, nice play though.”.”

“You guys keep making fun of it… did you like the show or not?” Lightning asked.

“We liked it kiddo, we did,” I said. “Sometimes though, you like something for the fun you can have with it.” She gave me a confused look. “You’ll get it when you’re older. We even pick on each other.” I looked over at Rarity. “For instance, Rares, are you really so obsessed with fashion you interrupt random customers at stores?”

“Um well…-“ Rarity started.

“I’ve been friends with you long enough to answer that myself. Yes you are!” I quickly said. “Seriously Torkuda, you should see this girl go! It’s sad sometimes!”

Rarity looked at me with lowered eyebrows. “Why yes Lightning, we often like to have fun with the things we like…” I saw two balls of magic float up around me.

“What are you… oh crap-“ I said. And like that I was on the floor screaming in laughter from the tickle spell. “Turn off the camera!”

Author's Notes:

Tried to make this chapter sound more like a naturally occurring conversation.

Brothermahooves Social- Big Mac's Massacre!

I clicked off the remote. Everyone was still laughing pretty hard.

Let’s see, today we had Torkuda and myself of course, but also, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Best Daughter, Apple Jack and Big Mac. At the moment we had just finished watching… something… just something. We weren’t sure what it was supposed to be. There was a message in this story we all knew, but… oh gods.

I started wheezing from my own laughing, again looking at Big Mac, whose face was constantly fluctuating between irritation and laughing himself. “Well… okay… my sides… that happened. So um… we’re using the list this time because otherwise the entire review is gonna be inside jokes about Big Mac’s reactions. Um… so AJ, about the beginning, how often do you and AB play, as opposed to how often does she play with Big Mac?”

Apple Jack wiped away a tear. “Well um… hold on,” she swallowed a few giggles. “Yea, they got that right. Apple Bloom use ta look up ta Big Mac somethin’ fierce. Ifn’ he ever left the home for a few days, she would scramble to the door at even the notion he was on the other side. He used to toss her around, race her and wrestle with her fer hours. But as he got older and our relatives started movin’ away, he had to take on more and more chores and had less time fer his little sister.” Big Mac held his head down a little. “Ah don’t be like that bro. Ah’m not saying yer a bad sibling, the work ya do lightens my load and Granny’s a lot. It gives us more time to raise Apple Bloom. Ah appreciate it.”

He gulped. “Well… ah do sometimes feel we’re not as close as we were.” To this Apple Bloom ran up to him and hugged him tight. He smiled. He then quickly tickled her sides and when she let go, tossed her in the air and caught her, the filly laughing and squealing with delight. He let her go and she sat next to him.

AJ smiled at them.

“Ah should say,” Apple Bloom piped in. “Ah’ve never seen that dragon fly thing, but Big Mac did teach me ta make paper pegasi!” she pulled out a piece of paper and made a paper flier in a few seconds tossing it at AJ before she even realized what was happening.

To this, AJ growled and came at her sister playfully, only to be suddenly pulled into a bear hug by Big Mac. “Ah win!”

“You- ah- confound it Big Mac let me go!” she said. She smiled and growled, tickling his ribs to make him let go. They looked about ready to start rough housing themselves, but then blushed, looking to suddenly realize so many others were watching.

“Ahh!” I said. “My money was on Big Mac!”

“I don’t know,” Scootaloo said, “AJ is scrappy.”

The two siblings sat down with Apple Bloom sandwiched between them. The filly grunted, but grinned, hugging them both.

“Alright next question… hey she skipped talking about the song this time,” I said.

“But its tradition now, we have to make fun of the song,” Torkuda pointed out.

“Really the only joke I got right now is on the title,” I said. “”Murder is Magic!””

Apple Jack grinned. “Just like that, ah don’t have to deal with ma annoyin’ friends anymore! Magic!”

“We probably shouldn’t be a talkin’ like that around the girls…” Big Mac pointed out.

“Get that, it was the stallion who pointed that out!” I said. “They’ll be fine!” I said waving at him. “Seriously girls don’t kill anyone.”

Apple Bloom squeezed out from between her siblings. “But seriously, AJ, you are the best big sister ever!” Apple Jack blushed.

“Ah shucks, but ah got to disagree with ya there, ah might be the best BIG sister, but yer the best sister!”

“No you!”

“Nap… you.” AJ said.

“We gonna have to throw down about this?” Apple Bloom said. “Big Mac, who’s the better sister?”

“Ah just remembered ah forgot to plow the north field…” he said getting up. AJ pulled him back laughing.

“So then,” I looked back at Twilight’s list. “Apple Bloom… wow… as a fellow sufferer, Twilight wants to know, how often do you hyperventilate?” Apple Bloom looked at me with big eyes and an expression that said “what?”. “Um… breathe really hard because you’re panicking.”

“Ah figured that part out but… she asked what?!” Apple Bloom practically demanded.

“Ah she’s plumb neurotic!” AJ quickly put in.

“Ah am not!”

“We lost all yer bows,” AJ said casually.

“MA BOWS! WE GOTTA FIND EM’- HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW WHO AH- ah’m reconsidering yer best sister title…” Apple Bloom said, quickly going through a range of emotions, ending with her eyebrows lowered and I swear a storm cloud forming over her head.

“Oh and I remember the scene where she panicked and ran out of the room,” I chimed in. “And I can tell you all from personal experience, extreme awesomeness back firing can be a real problem.” Several face hooves spontaneously occurred. “Hey, I’m so awesome I wound up with a big fan being around me who constantly shows me up with her own awesomeness.” Scootaloo blushed.

“Ah, ain’t that the sweetest thing in its own way?” AJ asked.

“No seriously,” I said. “It’s a problem, losing your awesomeness is painful!” I gave the best panicked expression I could to Scootaloo, who just grunted at me and grabbed away the list. “She’s even stealing the show from me!”

“Right,” Best Daughter said. “So Big Mac, do you joke with Apple Bloom often?”

Big Mac looked over at his younger, younger sister. “Garden snake.” Apple Bloom fell over laughing. “Yeeep.” Apple Bloom quickly recovered, still having to wipe away a tear.

I so wanted to ask what “Garden snake” meant but Worst Daughter spoke up before I could ask, “Anyone here know anything about the Brotherhooves Social?”

“Think we addressed this before,” I said. “But I got to say, I loved Granny’s line about the social having a loose definition about what “constimatutes a sister”. I chuckled. ““We just call it “sisterhood” in particumaler because we’re female supreeemacists!””

“Granny really needs to reign in her accent,” AJ admitted. “Will say, ah like Big Mac’s evil grin in the show, almost as good as the real one.” I then looked over at Big Mac at the WRONG moment. He held down his head, slowly grinning, his eyebrows slowly lowering… the grin just kept widening and his brows just kept going. I paused.

“Right… um…” I looked away. I then looked back to have that face taking up my full view as the stallion was inches from my face. “YAAA!” I shot into the air, grabbing Scootaloo and ducked behind the couch. I put my hoof over the back of the couch and pointed at Big Mac, “You have to replicate that for the next Nightmare Night corn maze.” I climbed back over, letting Scoots come back by herself.

“Next,” Scootaloo said reading the list, “Does Scootaloo like being cheered on or does she find it embarassing?- I love it!” she shouted. “Sorry, that’s all I got… Okay so, Big Mac, are you really into drag?”

“Only during his time of the month,” AJ said. Everyone in the room over the age of ten busted out laughing.

“You should model for Rarity!” I said through laughs.

“Who says ah don’t?” He asked, to which I just stared at him unblinking.

“Hey, she has ta work on plus sized dresses somehow,” AJ pointed out.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say.

“Also for cross dressers, we have a few of those in town,” he pointed out.

“You saved one of your complete sentences to say that?” I asked.

“Yeep.”

“I… I’m torn… do I or don’t I want to see you in drag for real?” I asked aloud. Big Mac pumped his eyebrows at me a few times at me with a creepy grin. “I decided, never, never, never… you have to be embarrassed or I am,” I said. Apple Jack came close to me and leaned in.

“How do ya know that’s not the idea?” she asked.

“I… I… he’s good,” I said. I shook my head and changed the subject. “Also, from the line “don’t expect me to go easy on you because you’re a stallion” apparently that version of me is sexist… weird.”

“Do we belong in the kitchen?” Big Mac asked.

“I don’t know.” I said “Don’t ask me, you have to ask me!” I pointed at the TV. I cleared my throat. “Also, was anyone else looking forward to hearing me and Scoots sing that song?” I looked at Scootaloo, “Ready?” she nodded. We then belted out together, “Sisterhooooo-“ and found ourselves buried under the couch cushions we were formally sitting on. I tried to get out, from under cushions only to find them heavier than usual. “Hey!”

“Nope, ya can’t come out fer a bit, this is yer punishment for tryin’ to subject our ears to that noise ya call singing again,” AJ said.

“Aww.”

“I understand,” Scootaloo said. “Can we still hear Big Mac’s filly singing voice?”

“Sisterhoood!” a… kind of… female voice shook the entire cave.

“Ya got a nice set of pipes there Torkuda,” AJ said, chuckling.

“Thankyou,”

“Do it again and we’ll have to find a bigger couch,” she followed up.

I sighed. “Okay, so I guess I have to point this out, I remember it was on the list- by the way, that’s your job now AJ- anyway, yes, I noticed a LOT of negative male stereotypes in this. Ungraceful, pushy, uncoordinated-“

“Ya know Rainbow, that all coulda been explained by Big Mac not knowing the routines an’ bein’ so desperate ta win. Also, the average mare is a LOT smaller than a stallion, so ifn’ the course was made expressly for them, ah cn’ see things bein’ awkward as they’d be fer me navigatin’ a course fer little kids.”

“Sounds like reasonable doubt on that charge to me,” Torkuda said.

I shrugged, but no one saw it. “Though I will point out, all the stunts Big Mac was pulling, like throwing the hay bails at the others and smashing the barns and practically crushing Apple Bloom… I clicked my hooves together- “You know what I’m talking about Scootaloo-“ I pointed at where she was in the dark and we said it together. “MURDER IS MAGIC!”

“Sweetie is looking a little too happy with that joke!” AJ said.

Scootaloo snorted in laughter as we heard Sweetie Belle’s next line. “Looks like we get a red ribbon after all!”

“We are awful influences!” AJ shouted.

“Oh c’mon, it’s not our fault, all those ponies getting smashed and tossed around, this should have been called “Big Mac’s Massacre!”. I snickered, “I’d watch!”

“Oh ah got one, ah got one!” AJ said.

“Lay it on me… eventually get off me though you’re getting heavy.”

“”Weees gots ta be subtle like about our female supreeemacy, afterma-all, what with the brotherhooves a ma social bein’ a race through acid an’ rat traps- really just an excuse ta thin the herd!”

“Scootaloo, nothing that you heard tonight, you actually heard!” I quickly noted to Best Daughter.

To that she responded, “Winner gets married!”

“Might not want to win!” Sweetie shouted.

Apple Bloom finally chimed in on our death related jokes, in a way that was funny even though it wasn’t much. “Um… Murder is Magic…” everyone roared with laughter again.

“By the way, apparently I’m okay with winning by default,” I said.

“Yea but show you should watch where she sleeps,” Big Mac noted.

“Ah’m gonna be hearing that title fer the rest of the week aren’t ah?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Yep!” I shouted again. “I still want to hear Big Mac’s girly singing voice!”

“Nnnope.”

“Wasn’t there a moral at the end of this episode?” asked AJ. “It’s on the list so-“

“Yea, yea but it probably had something to do with killing so, that’s all for tonight!” I said. “By the way, can someone in the audience send us letters or comments or something… maybe you Twilight… or you person watching this broadcast… just saying.”

“And remember everyone, as we always say, and we swear not to say outside of this room cause it’ll get our folks in trouble,” Sweetie Belle said. Everyone came in in unison this time.

“MURDER IS MAGIC!!!”

Author's Notes:

And yes, please do comment with questions for the characters if you guys can, I get the feeling that would be a fun interaction. I will respond as if them in the comments.

Crusaders of the Lost Mark- Where are our marks!

Author's Notes:

Okay, quick note, this is a subject that will probably come up a lot. NO I don't think my story is better than the one in the show, however, yes, the characters are watching idealized versions of their own lives and trying to overcome the urge to see theirs as an inferior world. It's hard enough to face your short comings and trials without being shown how good you and the world COULD be.

So here's a big question that will occur many times in this production. If you could, would you REALLY want to see a show about your life, just made better? Remember, it's a life you can't have.

To see "the rest of the story" about Gray, go here:
I'll Always Protect You

Torkuda was out this day.

I clicked off the TV and set down the remote. “So um… Twilight decided not to review this one ahead of time to make a list, saying she wanted us to be surprised along with her…” I looked at the five Cutie Mark Crusaders. There was my adopted daughter Scootaloo who had an orange coat and a messy purple mane. Then there was Sweetie Belle, white with a neatly styled mane that was two shades of violet. Then, the last of the original crusaders, was Apple Bloom, yellow coat with a red simply styled mane. The two new members were Lightning Strike and her adopted brother Dusk. Lightning was the most messed up looking kid I ever laid eyes on, with a yellow coat, freckles on only one side of her face, a messed up front mane with a jagged back mane shaped comically like a lightning bolt. Her brother had a normal colt cut of his navy blue mane and a cyan blue coat like mine.

All five of the crusaders sat there in stunned silence, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom staring at their still bare flanks. “Um guys… I didn’t know… um…” I tried. “It had um… Crusaders in the title so I figured it would be um… interesting for you guys.” I slowly forced out. Apple Jack and Rarity were also in the cave. AJ just shook her head at me.

“I’d say they found it interesting all right,” Rarity said.

“So are we… should we have those marks?” Scootaloo finally said. “I mean, you said that was all fake Rainbow-“

“Mom.” I interjected.

“Sorry, mom. You said none of this stuff was real. So… I guess I liked those marks… so that means we won’t get them?” Scootaloo finished her question.

“I really have no idea,” I admitted.

Apple Bloom gritted her teeth. “Ah… ah so wish ah was in that world! Ah wish that was me! Ah want ma mark! Ah’ve been trying fer two years, tryin’ everythin’ ah cn’ think of and there, we just repeat a buncha’ the lessons you already taught us after bein’ nice to a bully and BOOM, instant cutie marks! Ah been tryin’ so hard-“

“Now that’s not fair, they’ve been trying hard in the show too,” I noted.

“OH PLEASE!” Apple Bloom shouted. “Ah’ve been tryin’ since ah was six, an’ everything ah try, nothin’, not even a hint!”

“It comes when it comes kiddo,” I replied. “Don’t know what to tell ya.”

“Why can’t ah live there? Ah have ma mark, ma bully is ma friend, the worst damage from Tirek was the playground, ah don’t have to worry about getting ma mark before ma friends cause ah got it at the same time, no one gets left out, everyone is happy- AH WANT TA LIVE THERE!” The girl glared at the ground breathing hard.

AJ sat next to her. “Now… now hun, ya’ll don’t really know what yer sayin’. Yer just reactin’. Just think about it. Did ya see yer friends Lightnin’ n’ Dusk in there? Ya’ll never met there.”

“SO FREAKIN’ WHAT! AH WANT MA MARK! No matter what it takes ah want it, ah want it now! If ah would git it without them bein’ around, then ah want it still! So what if they don’t exist! Ah have ta git it, ah have ta, ah just have ta ah- wait what did ah just say…?”

Lightning’s ears went down and a whine came out from Dusk. Dusk, who was just six, ran and hid under the couch. Lightning screamed, stomped her front hooves and then shot out of the room and probably out of the cave. “Crap…” I said.

I quickly unfurled my wings and flew off after the yellow filly as I heard AJ shout “Apple Bloom, now that was a terrible-“ but I was out of ear shot before she got much out.

Outside the cave I sighted the filly in the distance, flying hard and fast away. Still she was no match for me- until she engaged her abilities. In a single beat of her wings, a powerful burst of electric energy shot out behind her and propelled her forward faster than I could track. She reappeared hundreds of yards away, her power not being something she could sustain indefinitely. I lowered my eyebrows. “Reminds me why I’m content with my daughter’s disability, catching her is never a challenge.”

It took a good fifteen minutes of flying in what I guessed was pretty much a random direction, for me to finally catch up to and grab the child. She didn’t fight me, she just fell limp in my forelegs, pretty clearly exhausted. I landed with her near a small river.

“Lightning, she was just lost in the moment, she didn’t mean-“

“I’m not stupid!” she shouted. “And it’s not like I’ve haven’t had worse things said about me, or done to me!” she panted a little.

“Then what is this?”

“That world, those ponies… they’re all happy, all of them. But here… the crusaders don’t have their marks, Tirek disabled ponies and there was an entire war with Gray that, let me guess, didn’t happen there, did it?”

“You figured that out from one episode?”

“I guessed on Tirek… or was hopping… that’s the only thing that doesn’t have to do with me.” She hung her head. “I’ve scared Diamond Tiara with my powers a lot… she makes me SOOO angry sometimes! She makes fun of my brother… NO ONE HURTS DUSK!” A bolt of electricity shot out from her right wing and tore violently through the ground sending tufts of earth in several directions. I wasn’t really scared of Lightning, but she had her moments. “There’s no way she’ll make friends with the crusaders here, she’s scared to go near me. Gray experimented on me, and learned how to make his own powers, and then, his army. No way he could have done what he did without me… am I wrong?”

“I…” she was just an ignorant child, surely I could outsmart her on that but… I drew a blank. Her role in the conflict with Gray was pretty obvious. “No… you are definitely part of what happened. Especially with Gray.”

“So… what Apple Bloom said… just… made it all click. If I wasn’t here, everyone who got hurt, everyone who died… I sometimes think about this. I… can I go back? Can I change it? How?” I shook my head.

“Kiddo, he experimented on you. He tied you up and abused you… you can’t act like you’re responsible for something like that, it doesn’t work that way. Someone took advantage of you. He hurt you too. It wasn’t your fault.”

“You sure?” she asked back.

“Look, I get the impression a lot of the bad things that happened in our real world, didn’t happen in that made up one okay?” her ears went down. “But there’s more than that. The good things, they didn’t happen either. I mean, for instance, I’m not Scoots’ mom there. Scootaloo never met Dusk there, so she’s not mentoring someone herself, something she tells me all the time she loves.” I held the filly’s chin. “And we never met you. A filly with mood swings that give me whiplash, but despite her weaknesses, somehow brought at lot of very different folks together. Your father, your brother, your mentor Vinyl, the crusaders… Not gonna say you made EVERYONE’S relationships, I mean the crusaders were around before you showed up in town, but you made a lot of things happen, and half of it by accident. I don’t know how, but when you come into a room… things just sorta start happening.” She raised an eyebrow to me. “Look, nothing I say I like about you is going to take the pain of a war away.” I sighed. “Look kid, you’re too young, you should never have had a part in any of that. War sucks, and… what happened to us, it’s always going to hurt… But look, why don’t we go back and talk with the others about the episode? Let’s see if we all REALLY want to live in that world alright? I have a feeling a lot more is missing than a war. Some pretty important things.” I picked her up and flew her back to the cave.

Truth was, I was grasping at straws. The things that happened, the ponies I watched die, good friends made just to have them be torn away by an evil stallion… even my daughter had been kidnapped and attacked several times. Gray was a monster and his army was sadistic, probably worse than anyone I had ever fought before. I had had three nightmares this month about what happened… Lightning was a good kid, but… I had no idea how to help myself, let alone her.

I landed with her in the cave. We found Dusk sitting with Scootaloo, her foreleg on his shoulder. She smiled warmly at him and had apparently given him a handkerchief while we were gone. Lightning ran to him and hugged him. Apple Bloom sat hanging her head. “Sorry…” Apple Bloom said. “Guess it’s gets the best of me sometimes…”

“Sometimes!?” shouted Sweetie Belle, sitting next to her and folding her forelegs. “You and cutie marks- you have a problem!” She grunted.

“I guess I forgot, ma friends matter way more than some… butt mark,” Apple Bloom said, sounding like calling it that hurt her. “Please Lightnin’, ah wouldn’t want to lose you or yer brother, okay?” Lightning nodded.

“Come sit with us?” Sweetie said, her and Apple Bloom parting to give her a spot between. Lightning smiled and sat between them. Dusk stayed with Scootaloo.

“Well let’s really look at that episode everyone,” I said, not sure how I was going to end the statement even as I said it. “I’m betting I can find things about that world you guys will think less of. You’ll see, it’s a different world, but not a “better” world.”

Scootaloo hung her head a little. “Well I already notice one thing, I can sing in that world. My voice sucks here.”

“Oh I don’t know that that’s a bad thing!” I said, grinning. “Lightning, Scootaloo, Dusk, theme song, on three: THREE!”

“Um… My little pony!” Scootaloo said.

“I used to wonder what friendship could be!” shouted Lightning, her signature grin returning to her face, her voice changing octaves every other freaking note. Like I said, her mood swung like a tether ball.

“Until you all shared its magic with me!” Dusk “sung” in a completely monotone voice.

“My little pony!” Scootaloo shouted in her raspy voice with… some… melody. Suddenly couch pillows went flying at the three, Sweetie Belle apparently not as in love with the sound as I was… I was personally having a blast. This was crap! It was awesome!

Everyone in the room started laughing, even the angry music loving Sweetie Belle had to grin. Rarity spoke up, “Girls… and Dusk… you’ll grow into your voices, but with practice. Give yourselves time to learn. Besides, singing isn’t for everyone, just like fashion.”

“I’m 20, and I still can’t sing!” I shouted.

“And I’m 29 and it’s still a challenge,” Rarity admitted.

We looked over at Apple Jack, “Oh no, ya’ll cn’ blab yer ages all ya want, ah’m not sayin’ how old ah am. All the same, ah can’t sing worth a darn.”

“You’re alright,” I said. “I’m the one who sucks.” I chuckled. “In any case, that brings up a point, something I noticed watching your characters crusaders. In reality, you guys are all over the place. Apple Bloom, you are obsessed with cutie marks, but Sweetie, you care about them, though you’re more focused on just projects in general. Scootaloo… really I get the sense you don’t care about your mark, just so long as you’re doing something fun, you’re happy.” Scootaloo nodded and grinned. “And Lightning, you and your brother… oh sweet Celestia, Lightning you’ve screamed, cried and just flew half way across the country side and he still has yet to talk without being motivated to. Lightning, you never even seem to talk about cutie marks, just loving to move around and be with others and Dusk, you seem to just like seeing others happy.” Lightning smiled at her brother. “But in that world, you all just want your marks, and yea, you don’t have two siblings whose personalities are complete opposites. Those kids get along better probably, and good for them, but any adventure they have, they don’t see from five completely different angles. Would you really want to hang out with copies of yourselves?”

“They weren’t that similar…” Sweetie Belle pointed out.

No they weren’t, but I was trying to get the ball rolling. “They certainly weren’t that different,” I said back.

“Still like how determined they were in the show,” Apple Bloom said. “Even just that episode showed it. “Think I’m the only one that determined to get a mark… ah… ah hate ta say it, but sometimes ah wonder… if ah had friends just as determined, would ah already have it?” everyone turned to her. “Look ya’ll, ah’m sorry, okay, but it’s how ah feel. Ah can’t change it, even if ah want to. Ah know, ah’ve tried. Ah love all of you more than anything, more than whatever ma mark might be, and ah would never give ya’ll up, ah love ya… ah just… ah wanna know what’s comin’. And wonderful as ya’ll are, ya aren’t helpin’. Ah hate it, but it feels like ah have ta choose… ya’ll r’ more important, but this is pretty important too…”

Scootaloo sighed. “I… I’m sorry Apple Bloom it just… I don’t see why it matters. I just like the chance to try new things, why else should I care?”

“Apple Bloom, what do cutie marks even mean?” Sweetie asked.

Apple Bloom shook her head. “Ah… ah don’t really know. Apple Jack says hers is what made her stay with the family, Big Mac says it stands for his love for apple work, which kept him here too… ah… ah guess what I want is a mark like theirs, one that keeps me with ma friends… but… what if ah get one like Fluttershy’s or Rainbow’s and it calls me half way across the country? What then?”

No one seemed to know how to answer her. I wasn’t ashamed of my path in life, but I couldn’t deny, there were times I wished I hadn’t left behind my father and my old friends. I wasn’t even sure if my cutie mark made that happen or not.

Rarity suddenly chimed in. “Um well… oh is Pip really that small?” she asked.

“Oh yea he is,” Scootaloo said. “It’s just a growth issue really, he’s not younger than us. He’s fun to hang out with sometimes.”

“Why isn’t he a crusader?” I asked.

“We asked, but he has his own club of friends,” Sweetie Belle replied. “They’re all colts. Says he’d feel weird being the only boy and we haven’t asked. Since Dusk joined… maybe we should try again.” She seemed to think. “Ya know… Pip seemed to have a lot of authority in that episode, for a class president. I don’t think a student president can fix a play ground… kinda wish a president really could do that.”

“You sure about that?” I asked. “They could make a better playground, but they could also just make a statue of themselves to replace the whole thing.”

“A rather adult lesson about politics, ironically,” Rarity said. “A class president with that kind of power could be a real problem. What if they made things more fun for some, but then played favorites? What if they made a longer music class…” Sweetie Belle smiled, “But took away PE class?” Scootaloo scowled. “You would all have to be focusing on getting on his or her good side. Trust me children, you don’t know it, but you’re much happier having adults in charge.”

“I would make free cookies at lunch time, let’s see an adult beat that!” Lightning shouted.

“Lightning for president!” the crusaders all shouted, save Lightning herself, who just grinned.

“Right, and free tummy and head aces from too much sugar,” I commented. “You sure?” They all looked down, acting rather unsure of themselves. “Besides, in that world, the whole class looks gullible enough to elect the school bully to be president.”

“She threatened to reveal their secrets!” Scootaloo pointed it.

“Exactly what secrets do you guys have that would make you vote a bully the power to take away your playground?” I asked. I was half expecting them to give me a bunch of grimaces, but actually they all looked confused.

“Ah guess not much…” Apple Bloom said. “Ah mean, ah’ve had some embarrassin’ things happen but… ah think everyone already knows about them.”

“Apparently it works on more than half the class in that world. You sure you gals want to live in a town where all your classmates are that dumb?” I asked. Wow I was over simplifying things, and I knew it, but no one I was trying to convince was over the age of ten, so I was taking advantage.

Rarity shrugged. “I did notice the election was an overly optimistic view of a socialist candidate vs. an overly simplified bad nationalist candidate. Even if you don’t like candidates who disfavor socialism, you do yourself no favors seeing your opponents as just selfish easily satisfied… none of you are following any of this are you?” the crusaders just stared at her. “Maybe that’s why they simplified it…”

“Oh I got it,” I said. “Don’t like socialism, except you should! Acting like my personal opinion is the solution to everyone else’s problems. Yay politics!” Rarity gave me a tired glare, to which I simply smiled. I then looked down and said quietly, “And thus, Pip, was assassinated, and the proletariat rejoiced!” She paused. “What? I went to high school, I know words.”

AJ interjected here saying “Ya know, ah will say, ah like how humble Pip was. Actually don’t see how a person like him would make a good socialist or the like, ya know, what ya’ll are talkin’ bout. Someone running something like that would kinda need a pretty high opinion of themselves to think they could…” but she paused, looking at the uncomprehending crusaders.

“Can we get back to stuff we understand?” asked Sweetie. “I did like how Silver stood up to Diamond… is it bad that that was my favorite part?”

“It was mine too,” I said, hanging my head. Several nervous grins were exchanged around the room. “What can I say? Karma is fun to watch.”

Apple Bloom sighed. “Ya know, AJ, ah know it would make ya proud if ah could befriend Diamond in real life, but she’s been so mean- especially to ma friends. She’s made fun of Scootaloo’s disability, made fun of her being abandoned, told Sweetie she makes her sister ashamed, teased Dusk about how he was tortured by Gray, tore into Lightning about her mood swings… ah just… just… when Lightnin’ finally snapped an’ blew up a tree nearby with her powers, making Diamond run away screamin’ and cryin’… ah was happy to see it! She stopped makin’ fun of me because ah broke her nose and gave her a black eye more than once! She needs to leave ma friends alone r’ ah’m gonna… ah’m gonna… dag nabit ah hate that-“

AJ put a hoof on her back. “That’s enough of that now. Let it go.” The filly started seething, but after a few minutes started to relax.

“Ah’m not as good as that Apple Bloom. Really, what ah said earlier, ah know those words hurt you Lightnin’, an’ ah’m sorry they did. If ah were as good as the filly in that show, ah never would have said somethin’ like that.”

No one seemed to know how to respond to that. A whole half minute must have passed. “Don’t be so down on yerself,” AJ finally said. “It’s good that yer sorry.” She thought. “Ah have ta say, Apple Bloom, in real life, maybe ya go a bit far, but ya have every right to be angry at that filly Diamond. She’s older and bigger than ya’ll’s friends, doesn’t give her the right to prey on ya’ll like she does. An’ really, in real life, her mom left her father a long time ago, but ya’ll have had yer own problems. Her problems give her no right to act the way she does.” She looked at the TV. “Ah guess ah’m torn on the episode. DT’s life apparently cut her off from others, which is a good lesson, an’ forgiveness is a good moral, ah wouldn’t say anythin’ against that, really, ah wouldn’t but… In the show Diamond did a freakin’ heal turn. No one actually SHOWED her a better way, they just talked about it. It doesn’t happen like that! Nothin’ the crusaders did in the show was wrong, not at all, but expectin’ results that fast… it could even be dangerous! We have punishments and prisons for a reason, folks don’t just turn around with a few nice words.”

“AJ it was simplified for kids,” Rarity pointed out.

“Feel like it was over simplified… maybe… like it was right on the line between teaching forgiveness and teaching unbelievably naive optimism.” AJ replied. “Folks cn’ get better, but not that fast!”

“I don’t think they were trying to teach how bullies really work,” I said. “I think the point was to teach how to act towards them.”

“That’s why ah say it’s on the line. It taught it’s message alright, but the subtext is all over the place… maybe…” she sighed.

Rarity looks at her flank. “Anyone else here confused as to what cutie marks actually mean? They seemed so sure of it in the show, but me, I don’t know. You get a revelation about your true passion and there it is, but even that changes over time. I’ll always like fashion, but I will change with time. Perhaps someday I’ll have a family, and then they will be my passion I’d imagine. Or maybe charity, I’m surrounded by orphans a lot, so their plight is starting to hit me pretty hard.”

“Kinda envy that world for another reason there,” Apple Bloom said, “Fer the record, better bullies, better presidents… ya’ll aren’t makin’ a good case for our world really. And they actually understand their marks!”

“Yea, they know cause they’re stuck in a rut!” I said. “Pretty sure the me in the show could never be a mom. Scootaloo is my new life passion,” I looked at my daughter, who was fighting a blush. “I still work weather, and I still like moving fast, but there’s more to me than that!”

“There’s not more to them?” Apple Bloom asked.

“From what I’ve seen of the show… yea,” I admitted, hating that I lost the point. Again, I sought to derail the subject. “Hey, wasn’t Pip’s pee pee dance funny when he asked for help the second time?”

The girls grinned.

AJ ruined it though. “Odd that it mattered so much that a promise didn’t work out from a politician. If ah had a bit for every politician’s broken promise ah’d be rollin’ in em’ by this point!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “So, better leaders ah guess.” We all grimaced.

AJ shook her head, “Well, however we get through this, girl, ya’ll need to understand somethin’. Back on Diamond Tiara, the show kinda glossed over a certain point, even if it did bring it up. Yes, her attitude can get you friends, ya know, win at all costs. Because, well, folks like to be near success. However, once you start losing, just like with Silver Spoon, you’ll start losing those so called friends. Better to be a good person and have a few good friends, than be like her and have many friends, none of whom really care for you.” She then nodded side to side. “Then one thing it got flat wrong. Diamond’s problem wasn’t looking at herself wrong. She didn’t really care how others felt, something that didn’t change until she miraculously cared about the crusaders felt after one of the musical numbers. At no point did anyone tell her that her issue was caring too much what folks thought of her, and not genuinely caring about others. Ironically, it felt like Silver was about to point that out, but she never really did.”

“That is something that gets to me about the real Diamond, she doesn’t really seem to care about anyone else, like hurtin’ another pony’s feelings is just something she does for fun,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah mess up, ah get angry an’ maybe, ah get mean from time to time, but ah know it’s wrong and try to fight the urge… it’s hard, but ah fight! With her, it’s like it doesn’t matter. She hurts ma friends because she thinks its funny!” Lightning was still sitting with her and suddenly found herself locked in a one foreleg hug, “Ah love ma friends! Ah don’t understand how someone cn’ see them as just something to laugh at!” Lightning smiled a little.

“Well…” I thought, “Ya know Apple Bloom, I did notice no one really standing up for you kids in the show, not even your teacher. You were all pretty much on your own. The real Cheerilee would not just stand by as a mare talked about you guys with contempt right in front of her. It looks like some problems might be easier to deal with in that world, but… I don’t know. Looks like you’re also a lot more isolated there. Like folks are just kinda there, but the community often doesn’t do anything. Only your direct friends.”

“There are communities like that,” Rarity pointed out.

“Well, not a place I want to live!” I replied.

“If ma bully would become ma friend, stop hurtin’ ma friends- ow-“ Lightning finally gave Apple Bloom a small shock to get her to let go. Apple Bloom looked at her to see she was grinning and happy. “Good to see you’re feelin’ bet-“ and she was tackled in a bear hug by Lightning. Lightning got off, Apple Bloom sighing. “Ya know what… ah doubt we’re gonna be able to say that world is worse, but if some of ma friends aren’t in it, ifn’ they’re not the same ponies there as here, even if they are there… ah wouldn’t wanna live there.” She sighed again looking at her flank, “Really if ah never git ma mark, so what? If ah have ma friends it’ll be okay. Ah’m sorry ah-” a light started to flash on Apple Bloom’s flank.

The flare went away after blinding everyone in the room. We all stared at the filly’s hindquarter. Right there, where a cutie mark should be was… a heart with a knot around it… it was her mark.

“It’s really that easy!” Apple Bloom shouted. “All that work and when ah give up, you just appear?!!!” she shouted at her own butt.

“No, ah, ah think ah know what that is,” Apple Jack said. “Apple Bloom, a cutie mark may have been your goal at first, but the thing you really cared about all this time, was yer friends. You have a strong tie to them, and yer family, maybe even stronger than most. An’ the reason it never came before, is ya never realized that before yerself.”

The filly smiled contentedly.

I blinked, then shook my head. “Oh no! We’re not done here, I still want to dig into this world! What about all those unnecessary songs? What about no one’s parents being at the cutecineara? What about no one being able to talk about serious issues, like whether Apple Bloom’s parents are alive there, like freaking adults?”

“Rainbow, it doesn’t matter. Ah think we got what we’re gonna get from this episode.” AJ turned off the camera.

Afterwards

Actually, no, we weren’t done with every issue that had come up that day. After the camera went off, I grabbed up Dusk and had his sister fly with me. We traveled to the edge of the badlands.

Explosions from miles away rocked area as we landed. Off in the distance we saw what looked like insects flying around a giant bird… this was why we ponies REALLY never traveled far into the badlands. Those insects… those were full sized dragons. And that “bird” was a massive outer demon. A beam of energy fired as a line into the demon and one final explosion tore across the land, a scream echoing out.

It was the day job of dragons. Not long ago, we thought of them as all barbarians, not realizing they were the last line of defense we had against forces far beyond pony ability. The dragon who fired the beam was none other than the bearer of the dragon element of courage, the five hundred year old monster who adopted two pony children. The “monster” Torkuda.

Quickly four legs touched down on the ground, shaking the earth. He looked down at us. I held up his daughter. “If you’re done for the day, someone needs to talk to you… sorry, her demons might be even scarier.”

I flew away, hoping her father knew how to help her. Hoping someone knew how to help me.

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows: Baby Eyes

I finally turned off the TV. There were a few dying chuckles in the room, but nothing compared to Brotherhooves Social.

“Well this was a pretty pointless episode but hey, it was a way to laugh anyway.” I said. I looked at a piece of paper in my hooves again. After the last incident, Twilight went back to watching the shows before us and making lists. But really, she just put a bunch of question marks and comments as this episode didn’t really elicit that much thought besides “wwwwhat?”.

Still, I guessed we could at least be snarky about it. I looked around the room. There was Rarity, because she needed a laugh, Pinkie, myself, Torkuda and Twilight, because her character was also a big part of this episode.

Twilight spoke up. “Yea I guess that… happened?”

“Well I got some questions,” I volunteered.

“You’re not the only one,” Twilight said.

“Why didn’t the twins have real eyes?” I asked. Twilight seemed to raise a hoof to answer, but put it back down.

“Yea that made no sense,” she admitted. “At first I thought the little light reflections told you where they were looking, but those things don’t really point at anything so yea… they just have balls of color that never turn or change or anything… they’re just there, fixed…”

“They’re kinda creepy really,” I said.

“Like they were staring into your soul,” Pinkie said.

“So I take it baby ponies don’t have eyes like that?” Torkuda asked.

“NO!” I practically shouted, “They have eyes not… brown and blue balls…”

“What would they even see with those?” Twilight asked. “I mean, what colors? Would they see millions of copies of the same image or… I don’t know… it’s just creepy. They have eyes that aren’t eyes,” Twilight gave a shiver.

Rarity chimed in, “Well I got over it, honestly in the first scene I barely noticed them. I was just waiting for that huge tower of cupcakes to be knocked over.”

“Hey!” Pinkie said. “Looked like I worked hard on those!”

“It wasn’t really you- besides I’m a sadist,” Rarity admitted.

Twilight scratched her head with a pen for a bit, then asked, “Okay so um… I guess I did figure out one question. That scene where you put your eyes through that paper was so silly right Pinkie, I mean you have your limits and-“

“Actually…” Pinkie said. “I may have punched through a paper or two with my eyes.”

“Okay so maybe you just-“

“And I got them stuck one time…” Pinkie clicked her hooves together, often nervous about explaining her rather, unique, abilities. She wasn’t like Discord, best anyone could tell, her reality warping powers were focused on herself, so she didn’t have the ability to make reality bow to her will. However this did allow her to basically ignore the laws of physics almost completely as long as her body was involved. On occasion she had been taken down in a fight, but that’s frankly because fighting just isn’t her thing. And that is the end of what Twilight was able to explain to me about all that, before I passed out... I think there were some numbers involved at some point.

Twilight blinked a few times. “There has to be… I mean things don’t just happen… chaos magic?”

Behind us, Torkuda put his head on his hand. “I’ve been alive hundreds of years child, you learn to just accept some things.”

Twilight looked at him with a twitching eye. “Don’t you “child” me! You’re so smart? Fine, the square root of 5 to six decimal places.”

“Um…”

“C’mon, you’ve been alive for “hundreds of years”, surely you can solve something a mere “child” like me can!” Twilight did not like being clueless. Thus she was stupidly venting her frustrations on a centuries old helgath dragon. Good thing Torkuda is a dad, he’s had to practice patience. “Well?”

“I have no idea Princess Dorklight,” I taught him that one! “Two point three, eight, nine, two, four, seven. Hmm?”

“That’s… that’s… not even close.”

“You sure?”

“Yes!” Twilight shouted.

Torkuda turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie, you have a party cannon?” The pink mare pulled a massive metal cannon out of her mane on command. “How certain are you of anything?”

“I… I-I-grrrrrr!!” Twilight just let out a defeated growl.

“You need to relax Twi,” I said. “I have just the thing. Close your eyes and think about completely soulless baby eyes watching your every move-foooreeeeeverrr!” I said waving my hooves at her. She gave me a pursed smile.

Pinkie spoke up. “This episode did point something out though. Just because someone doesn’t want to talk to you about something, doesn’t give you the right to pester them ad nauseam.”

“And YOU are pointing this out why?” Rarity asked.

“I’m great at keeping secrets as you all know… you guys are terrible at helping…” Pinkie gave Rarity a lazy eye.

“Oh… oops… you mean secrets like, what was that thing you planned for Rainbow’s party? Something about-“ Rarity was suddenly cut off by a very intense glare. “Oh my goodness… this show makes me feel like being such an asshole. I don’t know how to explain myself.”

“Baby eyes…” I said in her ear quietly. She gave me a raised eyebrow as I slowly walked back. I then found myself on the floor screaming in laughter as she snatched my hooves with her magic and let Twilight tickle me for about two minutes solid. Felt like ten to me, but somehow I glimpsed the clock while I recovered.

“I will admit though, this show did get something right,” Rarity said. “Pinkie, you act weird so often, even when you are acting particularly off, generally we don’t notice.”

“How do you mean?” Pinkie asked, a brush in her mane at the moment while it combed itself. “Do I do weird things? How many weird thing have I done today? Two?” she held up both hooves. “Sixteen?” she held up… sixteen of her own hooves. The other legs disappeared and she pulled a balloon of Rarity out of her mane. She hugged it to herself and started talking to it, “Whatever do you mean, “weird” Rarity?” Rarity just blinked watching her. Pinkie smiled at her.

Twilight inserted herself between Pinkie and Rarity. “Okay, lets get back on subject before you break everyone’s brain.” On cue, Pinkie was juggling two brains that she pulled out of… somewhere. “Eeeee-everyone saw that room for Shinning Armor?” We nodded. “It was oddly accurate.”

“Oh yea,” I said. “I even remember Smash Fortune… I’m a big fan of his books in real life these days, but how did they even know that series existed?” Everyone shrugged.

“I guess they got my reaction to my brother and his wife having a baby,” Twilight said with a slight chuckle. “But that could be coincidence.”

Suddenly a female voice came booming over us all from outside. “Attention citizens of Ponyville!” Luna shouted in the Royal Canterlot voice. “We are here to deliver a message to Twilight Sparkle in an ironic fashion. As you all know, it is too late for Celestia to be participating in this, as she is too tired right now, and currently, a small colt. A situation with which you are all familiar by now, so no further context is needed.”

Twilight nodded her head saying to the air. “Yea, a situation I’m sure will resolve itself in a few years.”

“In any case, Cadence is, at this very moment, very much and incredibly, as Pinkie wants to put it, “preggo”.”

Twilight looked over at Pinkie. “Nice try,” she said. “But it’s all to convenient for me to believe-“

“Remember when a few copies of this show went missing a few weeks ago? I watched several episodes without you guys,” Pinkie interrupted. “Couldn’t resist. Then when I saw this episode and learned a certain something…” she left a purposeful pause. Twilight was caught in mid expression and just stood there in place. Pinkie pulled a camera out of her mane. “Okay, that’s right, hold it, hold it,” her camera clicked and a powerful light blinded all of us.

When my vision returned I saw Twilight still standing stunned. “Did we break you?” Pinkie asked.

“I… I… she’s… and you…” Twilight couldn’t word.

Pinkie pulled a stuffed baby Twilight doll from her mane. “This might help.” She gave it to Twilight, who held it out of instinct. “It even has normal eyes so it doesn’t creep out Rainbow Dash.” Twilight just looked at the baby doll in her forelegs.

“I’m so gonna get you back for this…” Twilight said. “Rainbow, my place, tomorrow.” I nodded. The Princess of Friendship, in all her glory, then sat down, cradling a toy doll. Pinkie promptly snapped another picture.

“For your brother,” Pinkie said.

“I will notice one thing, in the show, you girls sure use that term “anypony” a lot,” Torkuda said, everyone still watching Twilight with her baby. We all blinked and eventually looked up at him.

“Why would anypony have a problem with that?” asked Rarity. “By the way, everypony, the pony supremacists meet tomorrow at town hall.” She shook her head, chuckling. “My goodness… what is happening to me? What is this show doing? It’s all so childish and positive… it’s turning me into a monster!”

A few snickers went off to that, including one from Torkuda. Pinkie spoke up. “One thing did bother me about the episode. The scene where I was talking to Mr. Cake with Gummy in my cake batter-NO! I would NEVER do something so gross to food! Guys, you can trust what I cook! Even if I jump out of it, every cake I make is edible and delicious and certainly never had a reptile in it!... By the way, I happen to know, Fluttershy hates baby carrots.”

Rarity nodded her head. “I was surprised that your character never struck upon the real key to keeping from interacting with ponies. Talking to yourself very loudly in public… pepper a few cuss words in there, just to be sure.”

“Oh and Rarity, do you often appear in mirrors to talk to ponies, I swear that’s happened to me a few times,” Pinkie said back.

“I try to limit myself to weekends,” she said back with a grin. She looked over at Twilight and her “baby”. “What’s her name darling?” Twilight started grumbling.

I grinned shaking my head. “I so wish best daughter was here. I have so many jokes I want to pull on her about that balloon baby bottle scene.” Pinkie smiled at me. She then reached into her mane and gave me a stuffed Scootaloo. I held the toy, mimicking Twilight, who shot me a glare.

Twilight looked down that her baby self. “I would have asked how many ponies my brother can get involved in a secret before me, as the episode showed quite a few… but it seems that question was already answered.” She finally smiled. “Really, I can’t wait to meet my nephew or niece.”

“Let’s hope they have real eyes,” I said, Twilight grinning.

“Hey did you all notice that scene where we were decorating the friendship map?” Twilight asked. “Have to admit, I have wondered, if I ever use that thing to entertain and it activates while we’re eating on it… what will happen?”

Rarity tapped her chin a few times. “Come to think of it, if you dump mashed potatoes on Cloudsdale, will Rainbow’s father suddenly have to relocate?”

“I’ll have to try some time,” Twilight said, starting to play with her stuffed baby self by making it dance.

“I will also say, that day-mare about you guys talking to me as floating balloon heads” Pinkie said, “I think that was creepier that the eyes of the Cake Twins… even creepier, I’ve had several dreams like that.”

Rarity nodded. “I have a couch at home, would you like to come over so I can psychoanalyze you?” she asked.

Pinkie smiled at her slyly. “Sure. Let’s see who cracks who first.”

Rarity and Pinkie shook their heads. I made a mental note to be careful around them for the next few weeks. “Really I was hoping when Cadence showed up finally, the surprise would be that she was carrying the baby in her forelegs… I can just imagine it. “Surprise everyone, it’s the fruit of my womb, I just pooped it out on the way down here!””

“Pregnancy doesn’t work like that Rarity,” Twilight said sooo necessarily.

“Like any of us would know,” Rarity said. “How many ponies in this room have gotten pregnant?”

“Still only talking to the ponies?” Torkuda said.

“Okay then sir, have you ever become pregnant?” she asked sarcastically.

“Hmm, maybe, what do you know of dragon physiology?” he asked with a grin. There were a few minutes of silence in the room.

We recovered and Rarity started to snicker. “I remember making a few private jokes during the scavenger hunt part of the show. That note at the beginning, when Cadence and Shinning Armor were conspicuously missing? What if it was a ransom note?” A few snickers came out. “And then Rainbow’s constant whining about her hunger… “and thus Rainbow Dash became so hungry she ate a book in front of Twilight- and was executed later that day”.” Twilight and I both laughed out loud at that one. “Oh and the news paper, “and thus Rainbow Dash ate a dress- she was made into a dress later that day”.”

I kept laughing, “How many of these involve me dying?”

Rarity answered. “That was the last one- “No book prize? And thus Cadence became a widow.”” Many more laughs.

“Ya know I am pretty hungry,” I said looking around. “Maybe I could find a good book or two in the castle… enough catsup and anything can taste good.”

Twilight by this point was petting her “baby”. “I have a dungeon Rainbow. Just remember that.”

Rarity looked at Twilight. She then looked over at Pinkie. “Do you happen to have a baby me?” Pinkie nodded and pulled a stuffed Rarity filly out of her mane. “Well, it’s a little older, but, heh, can’t not have little me be cute.” She started to rock the “baby”.

I grinned holding up my baby Scootaloo toy. “Ya know, I never saw her at this age. Wonder what she looked like.”

Twilight was finally sitting back contentedly with her doll. “I’m gonna be an aunt,” she said happily.

“Took you that long to process it?” I asked.

“You guys are just mean,” she said.

And with that, I turned off the camera.

Author's Notes:

Oh, and because everyone forgot to say it, remember kids, "murder is magic!".

Hearthbreakers: Aborted Dragon Baby

I flipped on the camera. “Hey there... so, kinda left this behind for a few months-”

“Half a year more like it,” said Pinkie.

“Well I was doing... things,” I said.

“I'll say you were,” Twilight said. I set up the camera over the TV so it could focus on eveyrone in the room today. Twilight, Pinkie, AJ, myself and Torkuda in the background.

“Someone has a boyfriend!” Pinkie shouted.

“She better, the wedding was a few days ago,” Twilight replied.

I blushed. “I bet it's good to finally have Scootaloo have a formal father,” Rarity said.

I nodded, that was a pretty good part of all this too. “Didn't talk about Stormy here cause... well wasn't always sure where it was going,” I said.

“Seems like a random episode for this to come up during,” Pinkie noted. “Hearths Warming?”

“I didn't plan my engagement around a cartoon show,” I said with a raised eyebrow. “Sides, I saw the episodes before this one, they don't talk much about romance type stuff. Doubt one of us is getting married on the show any time soon. I sighed. “May as well formally say it here. I married an impulse pegasus pony named Silent Storm. He's mine and I'm his,” I waved at the camera, “When you see this, hi hubby...” I blushed. “He's gonna tell me how cute that was for the next week...”

Pinkie pulled a large white pegasus stuffed pony out of her mane and set it on the couch. “We can pretend he's here!” she said.

“That... okay that's creepy, half expected you to pull my actual husband out of there,” I said. “Please... please get rid of that,” Pinkie put it back in her mane.

“You didn't mind Scootaloo.”

“I didn't... I can't explain it, that was just creepy,” I said. “Moving on- so, to the episode,” I looked at the notes I had taken on my own. “So, I wanted to ask after the first scene Twilight, do you really have a chimney in the castle somewhere that I don't know about?”

“I do have a fire place, course I have a chimney,” she said.

“Never seen that from the outside,” I said.

“Not a prominent thing,” she replied.

I chuckled, “Course when Pinkie stuck her head through in the episode, everyone was cheering for Twilight to light the fire!”

“Of course darling, we are the most mature ponies in the world,” Rarity said.

Twilight shook her head. She and Rarity sat on the couch together, AJ sat with me on the floor and Pinkie sitting in an adjacent chair. “I think it was a sweet idea,” Twilight said. “Pinkie and Apple Jack going to celebrate the holidays together.” AJ nodded, smiling warmly at Pinkie. “I love it when my friends go away.” There was a pause as we looked at her. She breathed in, “Wait a minute... when they go away to spend time together- that's what I meant, I didn't mean-”

“Well ah recon we can just go then,” AJ said, getting up. I pulled her back down, us both snickering at Twilight's expression.

“Still, and yes, I'm getting into things a little more these days, Twilight during your first Hearthswarming with Spike, weren't you like, seven and he was a baby?”

Twilight shook her head to get out of her embarrassed state. “Pretty much yea. Yea that scene of Twilight talking about their first Hearths Warming weirded me out too. In this series I got him as a baby too so... the heck? How could we have traditions dating back to that?” she shrugged. “In any case, yes, I do get Spike books on occasion, but I swear, they're based on his interests.” I lowered my eyebrows at her. “Or... ya know, when I was younger, what I assumed his interests were. I gave him a bug book once, thinking I would show him what he could eat...”

“Excuse me?” Torkuda said, his head coming over us.

“Um... yea... I did that,” Twilight said, nervously clicking her hooves together. “It was racist and I am sorry.”

“What was your goal though- did you think you were raising a carnivore- and that in it of itself didn't bother you?” He asked.

“I really don't know,” Twilight said. “I thought, ya know, dragons are a boy thing, bugs are a boy thing, dragons must eat bugs!- I was like, six!... For the first few years my parents took care of Spike, not me, or he probably would have died.” she admitted, hanging her head.

“Wait till he hits his growth spurt, you'll be the bug,” Torkuda grumbled. Twilight gulped.

“Sorry...”

“I'm not the one you did it too,” Torkuda said back. Twilight sighed and nodded.

“I'll talk to him later... pretty sure I'm better these days,” Twilight replied.

“We've all had our moments of prejudice,” I said, remembering how I had tried to take Lightning and Dusk away from their father a year ago.

“Yes, little is the word,” Torkuda said. I gave him a lazy eyed stare. “Didn't say I was innocent.”

“And now, for some reason, I'm thinking of that the photo you send to Celestia after the song,” Pinkie chimes in. “Twilight, you have such a plastered on smile in that photo.”

“I do not!” Twilight snapped.

“Yep, you do!” I said back. “It's like, “I'm dying inside!””

“They'll never leave me alone!” Pinkie shouted.

“Love it when theys go away!” AJ threw in.

She hung her head, “I hate you guys...”

“COMFIRMED!” I shouted.

Twilight looked over at AJ, “So, you really do treat all your friends like family, like in the show,”

“Hmm? Well ah suppose so,” she said. “All ma friends are ma family really.”

“Don't you think it's good to be friends with a stallion before you date them?” she followed up.

“Well, ah suppose, kinda hard ta- wait a minute...” AJ said, she got there, but it took a while for her to catch on.

“Somehow I got a child with a third eye!” Torkuda said.

“Friendship IS magic!” I shouted.

“Thought about bringin' Apple Bloom ta'day but glad ah didn't,” AJ said.

“Ah c'mon, we're just kidding,” I said. “Anyway, I remember that scene of AJ teaching Apple Bloom about the reason for the Holiday.”

“Yeeep!” AJ said. “We go over that story every year, as well as a few of Apple Bloom and ma favorite holiday stories. Odd how somethin' like the wendigos brought us all together so long ago.”

I looked down, remembering the wails... the blasts of energy... the creature falling to the ground, Fire Sky standing victorious as all of Canterlot looked on in terror. It was a day like... really it had been several weeks of questioning what you believed, where you stood, but it all seemed to lead up to a few moments. One key moment I guess was the freeing of all Equestria from the terror of the wendigos. “Yea... so... what do you all think killing a wendigo did?” I asked.

No one spoke for a few moments. AJ started. “Ah... ah rightly don't know. But, ah think it's better to believe the best of our fellow ponies. Fire Sky destroyed a thing that brought us together, but something that did it through fear, now we can choose to stand together. What once was forced, is now a choice. Ah know what Fire was doing that day was actually pretty evil, but good things came out of it. Rainbow, you got a husband, and I do believe Twilight here has a colt friend...”

Twilight blushed. “I have a lot of duties these days but... yea, Cloud Strike... things start making sense when we're together.”

“I know what that's like,” I said with a smile. I looked at the camera, “For the record Stormy, you're cute too.”

“Feelin' a smidge left out here!” AJ said.

“When Pinkie ate that flag, wonder if it symbolized protest,” Rarity said.

“Not sure if flag eatin' is a condoned form of protest their Rarity,” Apple Jack chimed in.

“Freedom of eat!” Pinkie shouted. “Hey Apple Jack, you say you hang stockings with candy right?” AJ nodded. “Really my family does that too- except the dolls are neighborhood foals, and they don't have candy till we gag them with it-” everyone stared at her wide eyed. “What? Who says I can't do dark humor?” We all did our best to stifle our laughter. “Honestly though, we don't eat the rocks in rock soup, you put flavoring on the rock and it slowly filters into the soup. Also you clean the rock first.”

“Really?” AJ asked.

“Oh yea, you'd be surprised how hard it is to make something with rocks,” Pinkie replied.

“Huh... think I'll stick to easy stuff like rice personally,” I said, “But- did anyone else think rooftastic sounded like a street drug name?” No laughs. “Well... I had to try...” Apple Jack patted me on the back. “Pinkie can you really do that thing where you have appendages appear outside of your body?”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “That's just rediculous, her powers are limited to her body...” Pinkie lifted up her foreleg, another foreleg appearing on her hoof, then another touched Twilight's nose. Twilight sighed. “Like I said, I hate you guys.” She thought for a few seconds. “Anyway, Pinkie, is Maud really so good with rocks she can tell where a pony has been based on the rocks on their hooves?”

“Rocks get spread everywhere Twilight, any rock could come from anywhere. I'm a rock farmer too remember? They just don't work that way,” Pinkie explained.

Twilight pulled out a list of her own. “Been wanting to ask a few questions about rock farming for a while Pinkie. So then, does snow make rock farming easier or harder, first off?”

“Oh much harder,” Pinkie replied. “Especially when digging in soil. Never sure what tool to use. You get no where with a pick ax in soil, but if it's too frozen over you'll ruin your shovel. You have to go out there with like six different tools.”

“What are you trying to get when you farm rocks? What's the product you put on the market?”

“Depends on the customer,” Pinkie replied. “When you make a brick wall, you have to get the rock to make the brick from somewhere.”

“Yea, but it's not like you can grow rocks, you have to find and excavate them.”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Do you? You can't grow them, but you can make them. It's not like brick has to be made entirely of one kind of rock to function in a wall. You just have to know what kinds of rocks mix well. We get an order and we search our farm and the quarry nearby for rocks that will satisfy it. That's why its important that we're all so knowledgeable about rocks. If you want a shield from radiation, only lead will do, and we can only find so much of that, but if you just want to build the interior wall of part of the palace, to later be overlaid in limestone, you just need load bearing rocks. Those are pretty easy to find and some can be mixed.”

“Huh... ya know I was always envisioning you guys growing rocks.”

“Nope. We harvest by digging up what's already there. That being said, not all our rocks come from the farm. If you want something specific, like limestone, you can pay us to go find it, as there might not be much of it on the farm.”

I started snickering as a thought occurred to me. Several heads turned to me. “Oh nothing, I was just thinking of the scene of Granny meeting the Pie folks, I even have it in my notes, Granny for best old fart!”

“Ah don't rightly know if ah should take offense to that,” Apple Jack said.

Rarity finally piped in. “I've taught all of you so well, its almost like I don't have to be here, these jokes are aweful.”

“Well... Granny does love her bean dip, so, not sure how you would feel about being on the receiving end of an actual old fart,” AJ put in.

“Honestly, I'd be more afraid for Apple Bloom being on the receiving end of a stallion fart, seeing as she was sleeping with Big Mac's butt right in her face practically... he could just sleep on the bottom ya know,” I said.

And everyone busted out laughing on the next line, “We hide the bean dip from him,” AJ said. “Ya'll cn' use yer imagination as to what that means.”

“The doll thing is real,” Pinkie said. “They also double as weapons.”

“That's not very comforting,” Rarity said.

“Really, Miss, born with a weapon on my face?” Pinkie said, with her brows lowered. “We carry to protect ourselves.”

“Oh you're not kidding...” Rarity said. “Well I mean... if you feel the need to protect yourselves go ahead, it just seems off that you make weapons on a day to celebrate unity and peace.”

“We also make imitation jewels and grew up in a poverty stricken area. Do the math,” Pinkie said.

“Oh well... that's aweful...” Rarity just paused.

“There's a reason Limestone is the way she is...” Pinkie gave a small smile, “Even if I could take her. Things have gotten better over there, really the rock dolls are now just a reminder of where we came from.”

“So here's a question, to move off sensitive stuff a little... if that's okay,” I said. Pinkie nodded. “Is Marble really that shy?”

“Yea, mostly,” Pinkie said.

“Well then... when she and Big Mac were playing the flag game, since Marble doesn't talk much, who explained to him what was going on?”

AJ chuckled. “He grew up on a farm of girls, he's great at just pretendin' to know what's goin' on.” She then nodded. “Oh and on Granny on that choosing stone thing, actually she's done looking for another husband. She misses her first one too much.”

“Another question,” I said. “Pinkie, if no one finds the presents each year... does the pony hiding the present forget where it is?”

Pinkie shook her head. “We find them every year,” she said. “We do hide them though, it's a fun game for the foals. Seriously, I suppos that was supposed to be a funny idea, but it makes us look stupid. By the way, Limestone doesn't live at home anymore, she's married and I became an aunt about four years ago. So on Hearth's Warming, we still do that, but mostly for her filly, not the adults.”

“The whole time AJ was trying to push her traditions, a thought kept occurring to me,” I said. “She could just invite the Pies over to her house next year.”

“Yea...” AJ said, “Oooor! Now just follow me here, or, ah could try to force my traditions on another family like a religious zealot. Sweat bun heretics!” she said, pointing a hoof at Pinkie.

“Try it, we've got all the rocks,” Pinkie replied. They did a pretend stare off then laughed. “Still, maybe we should have sweet buns in our traditions, pretty sure Basalt Quarry would like them.”

“How did you get the name Pinkie Pie?” I asked. “All your other relatives are named after rocks.”

“I... I really don't know,” Pinkie answered.

Rarity chimed in, “You know, when the rock fell off the cliff, I was thinking, “what if a pony was down there?” Then I realized, the Pies do have a bunch of shovels to hide the evidence. Seems like the solution would be the same, get the big rock out.”

“It would be covered in blood!” I objected.

“Well wash it off, you know, it's not that hard.” Rarity said. A few of us stared at her. “I was dropped... a few times.”

“Dark jokes? I got one!” I said. “Really AJ could have been asking questions about the Pie culture the whole time, that way she could learn all about it and take it home. And then promptly make a mockery of it right in front of Pinkie!” the others shook their heads at me. “Not the best?”

“Not really all that dark,” Rarity said. “Really, make fun of it or not, you take someone's traditions to your home with you, you spread their traditions anyway, in net, you could just make them stronger. Really stuff like that is kind of a gray area, ya gotta come up with something better than that.”

“Hmm... well that rock sure did have a distinctive shape,” Torkuda said. “You think the Pie's actually have an aborted dragon egg on their land?” that one shocked everyone. “I would have asked why the Pie's didn't just ask for the help of the dragon family whose land they were apparently on, but I think there's a pretty easy answer as to why they wouldn't have helped put the rock back up.”

Pinkie blushed a little. “We actually do have a large egg shaped rock on our farm... I swear it's just a rock though.” Only a few snickers that time. “Oh and on Marble and Big Mac, to those of you who don't know, they did have a thing for a while, but distance kinda strained the relationship. They still like each other though... no we're not actually related.”

AJ nodded. “Still, ya know, ah kinda do want to invite Maud over some day. Ya know, just ta do one thing.”

“What's that?” Pinkie asked.

“Sing the theme song. She can go home after that, ah just want to see her sing just one time!”

A few more laughs. “I think we got everything. Really, it's not Hearths Warming right now, so I don't think anyone feels festive. We done?” I asked. They nodded their heads. I turned off the camera.

Author's Notes:

Rainbow Dash here- C'mon guys! Ask questions, interact! I'll even have my husband or Scoots answer questions- you guys better be nice to Scoots- hell you better be nice to Stormy or I'll hunt you down. Still, send in those questions!

Scare Master: Rarity Should be Watched

Off went the TV as the episode ended. So who was our cast today? Me, because this was my thing now, Torkuda, because his home, Rarity, because sadism and Fluttershy because this was an episode about her.

I sighed. “So… that seemed a bit… over kill.” I looked around. “What did everyone think?”

Torkuda spoke up. “It was like a show a dragon would make about you ponies, your personalities dialed up to eleven because he’s racist.” Rarity giggled. “Hmm?”

“Oh well… racism always seems to be a two way street. You should see the plays we do about dragons.” She shook her head. “To be honest, all the things these writers get wrong I’m starting to just find funny. Fluttershy is portrayed as so paranoid in this episode it would be amazing if a character like that could even survive in the real world!”

Fluttershy sighed. “Guys, be honest, am I EVER that bad?”

Torkuda and I both looked off to the left. “Weeeelllll-“ I started, trying to figure out how to put is delica-

“Yes!” Rarity said. Sheesh, thought I had a problem with brutal honesty.

Fluttershy stepped back.

“Oh don’t worry about it darling. We all have our moments.” She got up from the couch and went to Fluttershy, putting a foreleg on her shoulders. “Be comfortable with what you are hmm? Sometimes it’s embarrassing, but that’s life. We all have weaknesses, but I’m learning something from Rainbow Dash while watching this stuff. Sometimes our flaws are part of what makes us so amazing!” Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. Rarity chuckled. “One more time for old time sake Rainbow? Sing!”

And thus, one more time, I sang the theme song for the show. Torkuda and Rarity had heard my horrendous renditions of this song a few times, but Fluttershy hadn’t. She sat there giving several positively adorable giggles as I went, which made me sing all the louder. Eventually she was full on belly laughing at me. The song ended, Fluttershy wiping away a few tears.

She looked down with a grin. “You guys are right, I do let my fears get carried away sometimes… is it ever fun for you guys when I act like that?”

“When we see a scary play, it’s pretty fun to watch your reactions,” I admitted. “I especially love when you do that thing where you put your hooves over your eyes and turn away, just to look for a mirror where you can keep watching anyway.”

“I still want to see what happens!” Fluttershy said, smiling.

I thought back a little on the episode. “Ya know, that scene in the beginning made me wonder, just how much power do you have over animals? I mean-“

“Oh absolute,” Fluttershy said. I looked at her with wide eyes, stunned. “What? That too honest?”

“Wait, so you have full mind control?” I asked.

“Well I’m not a puppet master,” Fluttershy said. “Please don’t think that. It usually just last a few minutes, just long enough to give a few suggestions. If I want, yes, my stare ability can give me the power to tell an animal to do pretty much anything and they have to obey. I mostly just use it to keep an animal from struggling while I treat it though.”

“Yea but, you never use that on ponies right?”

“Well you’re all my friends aren’t you?” she asked. I backed up a little. “I’m kidding! Please don’t look at me like that Rainbow! I-“

“It- it’s okay,” I said quickly. “Have you um… ever used your stare on me?” she cringed. “Fluttershy…”

“Look it wears off but… when you broke your wing, you kept putting up a fight and wanting to fly again. You were going to make it worse so… I had to do something... honestly I thought you were in shock. I try to avoid it but when I really care about someone and they’re in pain, I can kinda make them do what I want so they don’t make it worse- it’s hard to resist- Is that wrong?”

“Well I mean- maybe?” I wanted to tell her to never do it again, but… I had grown up a lot. Things weren’t so black and white to me anymore. I had many ponies who were pretty important to me now, especially my daughter, and if I had the ability to keep her from hurting herself like that, it would be hard not to use it. And would it ALWAYS be wrong to use? Maybe just for a little thing?

Rarity spoke up. “You know, I find that right and wrong usually have to do with context. For instance, restraining a pony against her will, well that’s pretty wrong yes?” we both nodded. “But well, if she’s attacking you, it’s a better alternative to injuring her is it not? I think your power can be used for good Fluttershy, you just have to be careful with it.”

“Oh, I am,” Fluttershy said with a nod.

I decided to move on. “So Flutters, you ever build an under the bed fort like in the show?”

“Oh that? Goodness no, I haven’t done anything like that since I was ten!” Fluttershy replied.

I chuckled. “Even ten seems a little late for that.”

“You didn’t seem to mind,” she said.

“Wait I… what?” I asked. “I didn’t hide with you-“

“I never said we were hiding in the pillow fort. You were seven, I was ten. You wanted more and more pillows for some reason. I think you wanted to see if you could move the bed with pillows or something. I read you stories under there for a while and you played with your wonderbolt dolls.”

I grimaced. “Well first of all, action figures, not dolls. Second… I was seven!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Mhmm, and as I remember, you were very cute.”

“I…” I blushed.

Rarity chuckled behind me. “Still are.”

I grunted. “Okay so, Fluttershy is anyone immune to your power?”

Fluttershy nodded. “Actually Angel Bunny is. It’s a little bit of why I like him so much. There are times I get scared I have too much power, but I can’t do anything to his will. I guess it’s… sort of a reminder that my power shouldn’t be used to make friends.” She nodded her head side to side, “I think on occasion I let him be more mean to me than I should, but I need someone with me who’s will is just as strong as mine.”

“So, I hate to revisit this, but you don’t make ponies be your friends, right?” I asked.

“I can say I don’t,” she sighed, “But now that you know it’s possible, the thought is always going to be in your head isn’t it?” Rarity and I both looked away for a few seconds. “Why I don’t talk about it, guess it just slipped today, I was in the spirit of being goofy and… wish I knew something to say.” She bit her lip. “Truth is, I guess my fear is a good balance for my power. I’m pretty scared of other ponies and even animals. Not sure what would happen if I lost it entirely.”

“Are you scared on purpose?” I asked.

“No, I wouldn’t even know how to do that,” Fluttershy said. “I just see it as a good balance that’s all. Sometimes I think about using my power wrong, but then I get scared of what others would think if I did, and it stops me.”

“Still the scenes where you got scared, I mean, the kids with the bad teeth, would you really get scared of that?” I asked.

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “Um, they were just kind of cute. Cute doesn’t scare me. I’m like anyone, you have to put some actual effort into scaring me.”

“So not just candy and clothes scare you?” Rarity asked.

“What? Of course not. In those scenes I was just being a kill joy. It’s hard to understand how, if even candy supposedly scares me, I’m later able to set up a Granny Smith puppet that decapitates itself while wearing a bat costume. Though the episode did get right, that I don’t like to scare others. Not my thing. Maybe I like surprising ponies every so often, but not genuinely scaring.”

“Oh come dear, it’s not hard to scare other ponies, and it is fun from time to time,” Rarity said. “For instance I love telling scary stories.” Fluttershy shrugged and shook her head.”

“Bet you couldn’t scare me!” I said, secretly hoping she could.

“Oh I can scare anyone,” Rarity said. “I credit that to most of my stories involving bondage of some sort.”

“I guess that could do it, but if you focus-“ I started.

“It’s a very particular fetish darling. Particularly exposed positions. Most folks find it terrifying-“ Rarity began moving over to me.

“OKAY!” I quickly cut her off. She grinned, making me think she wasn’t serious, but still, she could have been. “So what about that scene with Granny Smith scaring Fluttershy? Laying in on thick in that scene… kinda wish AJ was here so we could ask about it. Would Granny really act that way?”

“You can ask me, I’ve known the Apples waaaay longer than you have darling,” Rarity said. “Remember, I didn’t move here from another city after all.” I shrugged. “Now Granny Smith has never been a very empathetic person that I remember. Well… maybe that’s the wrong way to phrase it. She had the intuition of a mare into how others are feeling, very much of it, but you have to understand the world has been very mean to her. She lost her son and daughter in law not long after her husband and then had to take care of a farm and three children in her older years all by herself with only fleeting assistance from the rest of the family. She sees the world as rather unforgiving and while she tries to be kind, she wants others around her to be resilient, not just happy. She’s said it a few times, when it comes to Fluttershy,” Rarity looked at our yellow friend, “She thinks we baby you.” Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “She sees you afraid of so many things darling and she thinks you’re cutting yourself off from possible friends and good memories.”

“I’m working on it!” Fluttershy finally snapped.

“I know you are darling, I’m explaining how someone else feels. You can’t defend yourself to me against her.” Fluttershy pushed down her ruffled feathers. “But sometimes, I must admit, I wonder just how right she could be. Fluttershy how many genuine friends do you have outside of us and your animals?”

“Five friends is actually a decent number,” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Not when you consider the main reason we became that way was a life threatening situation in which we had no choice. None of us even knew you before the Nightmare Moon incident. We’d only seen you around town and took our pets to see you from time to time,” Rarity said.

“Rainbow knew me…” Fluttershy objected.

“For a few months, in your childhood. After flight school you rarely spoke to each other,” Rarity replied. Fluttershy’s ears went down. She sighed. “Fluttershy, I’m not saying being introverted is completely wrong, or even voluntary. You probably don’t know how to relate or ponies have rejected you, but the solution to that isn’t to hide in your cottage… I’m glad you’re making progress in overcoming your fears, but Mrs. Smith isn’t wrong that you have a long way to go and you need to keep going. In reality, she would have scared you on purpose, just to show you that fear itself isn’t to be feared.”

Fluttershy bit her lip. “C… can we talk about something else for a bit?” she asked. Rarity and I nodded. “Why don’t we talk about Spike’s costume.”

I chuckled, “I thought it looked dumb, you couldn’t scare anyone with that!”

“Hey!” Fluttershy shot back. “That looked like the hardest to make out of all of them!”

“I’m sure the Crusaders could work really hard to make a bigger tree house but it would still collapse the tree. Putting more work into something doesn’t make it better.” I pointed out.

“I still say hard work counts for something!” Fluttershy said, folding her forelegs.

“Agree to disagree,” I said. “But hey, would you really be that easy to convince to join us on Nightmare Night? Spike didn’t have to try hard.”

Fluttershy nodded. “I’ll admit it. My fears hold me back a lot, but I have another weakness in that… I’m kinda gullible. Kinda unfair that I have both weaknesses.”

“It makes sense Fluttershy. Experience is hard to gain with so much fear.” She patted Fluttershy on the shoulder. “We’re here though, we’ll help you.” Fluttershy smiled at her.

I chuckled. “Ya know I’m here to take care of any real danger!” Fluttershy smiled and nodded at me. “Anyway, anyone hear Pinkie’s balloon story? It’s so awesome… really wish she were here to tell it. Had me sitting up with Scootaloo half the night I was so scared.”

“You woke her up to comfort you?” Rarity asked. “I’m not sure if that’s sweet or not.”

“Oh no, she passed out on my side, I just felt better having someone there.” I shivered. “Couldn’t look at a balloon for a week after that one.”

“I notice the show tried to say you being honest with Fluttershy about her weaknesses was a bad thing,” Rarity noted. “Thing is, most of the comments you were cut off from giving would have been rude, but, time and a place. When you’re literally acting afraid of candy, if someone is being snarky about it, that’s called for.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Truth is, I like some of the concepts of Night Mare Night, I like dressing up for instance, and I love the excuse to eat candy… oh and some of the foals look adorable in their costumes.”

“Hey remember the scene where the Crusaders TP’d Rarity’s house, Sweetie would know better than that right Rarity?” I asked.

Rarity chuckled. “Oh I would let Sweetie slide… the other two might become characters in my next story…” I looked at her with lowered eyebrows. “Maybe just Apple Bloom.” I nodded.

“So you don’t like Night Mare Night Fluttershy… why?” Rarity asked. “You sound like you have no real problem with the traditions.”

“Out of context it all sounds fun.” Fluttershy replied. “Eating candy, dressing up in costumes, startling your friends, an excuse for the foals to play, taking something fearful and making it fun, it’s all great sounding fun… Being scared can be fun. I even like playing peekaboo with babies… not sure if that technically scares them… but on Night Mare Night ponies go out of their way to terrify each other. I don’t like being scared or seeing others scared much beyond being startled. It’s too aggressive. It’s like eating a whole bag of sweets. You like them, but too many makes your stomach upset and you feel like throwing them up. Too much scaring, even if I know it’s all fake, makes it so I can’t sleep and I get jumpy. For goodness sake, I don’t hide under the bed, but I do abstain from Night Mare Night.”

“So what did everyone think of the costumes?” Rarity asked. “Anyone want something like those for their costumes next year?”

“I’ll have Rainbow Dash’s,” said Torkuda, the five story dragon. “Better get started.”

“You really should take part in Apple Jack’s corn maze next year!” I said.

“Doubt I would fit.” I shrugged, still, I wanted to somehow incorporate my ACTUAL dragon friend in a Nightmare Night prank, but how...?

“I did try to make my own costume one year,” I noted. “It was basically a couple painted cardboard boxes… yea, glad Rarity helps me these days.”

“I will notice something,” Rarity said, “You got things thrown at you Rainbow, and Pinkie was pushed into a wall. Our entire team sans Fluttershy was scared half to death in fact, but only Fluttershy seemed to be the one we were ever supposed to feel sorry for. I guess there’s something about how a person presents themselves. If they act tough, not only do you assume they can take more punishment, but you care less if they do. Wonder where that instinct comes from.”

“Yea, in real life, nobody better shove Pinkie into a wall, no matter how annoying she’s being… but me,” I shrugged, “If ya have to, whatever.”

“I do wonder why your character didn’t think of using Discord to scare everyone,” Rarity noted to Fluttershy.

“Good question,” Fluttershy said back.

“Kind of cheating,” Rarity said. “I mean, if you want to scare someone you can always pull a knife too.”

“Yea, especially if they’re tied up,” I said, hearkening back to her stories.

“Oh now c’mon, that’s effort,” Rarity said cheekily. “I mean, the spider web we got stuck too, that was a good effort.”

“I’m sorry but that would be a bit far Rares!” I said.

“No, not far enough really,” Rarity said. “She needed to deal with the magic user. Oh and find a way to get your hooves up so you feel more exposed-“

“Oookaaaay!” I shouted.

“Still up to hear one of my stories?” Rarity asked.

“Nope.” I replied. “Besides you’re supposed to scare ponies, not kill them.”

“Oh but killing one would scares the others, especially if they can’t escape!” Rarity said, raising her eyebrows a few times. “Hmm… wonder if that excuse would work on the police.”

“Clearly you should be watched,” I said.

“I will note something that was too much effort. Why bother dressing up the bear?” Rarity asked. “At the end, he’s dressed up as a monster. Look, if I’m stuck in a giant spider web with a giant carnivore coming at me, I’ll be good and scared even if it is “just a wild animal” who could you know, crush me with one swipe of its paw.”

I waved a hoof at Flutteshy. “Um... off hoof, you can't still turn into that Flutterbat thing can you?” I asked Fluttershy.

She shrugged. “Maybe, but really, off hoof, would that be the most scary thing you've learned about me today?”

“No, it would be an awesome thing,” I replied. “So how about it, can you still turn into a bat?”

She looked at me, cocked her head to the side and blinked a few times. Suddenly her head shot forwards, bearing sharp fangs at me. I jumped back and crashed into Rarity. Both of us started laughing as we got back up from the floor and looked back at Fluttershy on the couch- who was standing next to a flutterbat made of glowing energy. “Um... guys... that's not me...” Fluttershy jumped off the couch and joined us.

I quickly pushed my friends behind me and fluffed out my wings. “Torkuda?!” I yelled. I looked over to see the dragon on his back, his head laying flat and his tongue out, not breathing. “Umm... RUN!!!” The three of us took off, grabbing Rarity as we hit the mouth of the cave and flying off with her.

(***)

Lightning flew into view of the camera, her electric projection fading. “Good thing Fluttershy is so yellow, that was easy... well the pink was a little hard,” she admitted.

Still in his “dead” pose, Torkuda still lifted up a claw to his daughter. She quickly flew over and slapped him a high five with her hoof.

The face of a small blue colt appeared in front of the camera before the recording ended.

Author's Notes:

I have no idea why I keep writing Rarity as someone who loves to creep out her friends... maybe it's something about how ironic her character tends to be.