Starswirl's Rod
While the eccentric nature of the majestic dragon is still a subject of great conjecture throughout the great nation of Equestria, most scholars have come to a general consensus regarding the behavioral patterns of the world’s most dangerous apex predator. Ask any equine with a mind for books, from the great thinkers of the Crystal Empire to the ‘smart as a whip’ steadfastness of an Appleoosan school-marm, and you’re likely to hear snippets from the same theoretical body of knowledge - peppered with the spice of local flair.
Dragons, it is commonly accepted, are haughty, proud creatures, who have every right to trust in their considerable strength to solve any problem that comes their way. At some point in adolescence they develop a desire to obtain material goods that is so strong, ponies agree it must be genetic. This desire drives a young dragon to devote his or her life to amassing a horde of wealth and possessions to rival that of their solitary elders, until such time as they too retire to ancient mountain peaks where there air is too thin and smoky even for pegasi. There a dragon dwells, resting upon the comfort of goods that no sapient creature with any mind for sanity would ever deny them. Ponies, while creatures of great resilience and fortitude, tend to prefer to establish villages far from the roosts of these gigantic predators from the sky, in the hopes that dragons will take their meals from the geological formations of their mountain homes instead.
Scholars further agree that if there is one thing dragons are not capable of, it is boredom. Certainly, a life filled by countless days of existing upon a large pile of wealth is a sign that dragons seek their own contentment, and are unlikely to twiddle their talons looking for entertainment.
But then, the culture of dragons is an unrefined science.
Spike, the well-known hero of the Crystal Empire and chief assistant to the Princess of Friendship, was perhaps not the most ideal specimen upon which to base the study of his kind. But that didn’t stop him from tossing wadded pieces of paper into the air of the Canterlot Archives and immolating them in green fire, just to watch them burn. The boredom he exuded was so thick it was nearly tangible, and he rolled his eyes before voicing a tiresome complaint.
“Twilight, can I please go to the comic store downtown now? The new issue of Batmare just came in and I wanna check it out!”
Twilight Sparkle, who was only visible by her rump and the swish of mingling raspberry and violet in her tail, had her face buried in one of the many bookshelves that covered the expansive library. “Oh Spike,” She offered amicably, “Literacy is the greatest skill we ever learn. Someday I really hope you’ll use it for something more rewarding than comic books.”
“But Batmare is rewarding!” Spike insisted. He grasped an imaginary cloak with his claw and drew his arm over his face, peering over it mysteriously. “She’s the misunderstood champion of right who wrestles with the demons of her past while taking on the likes of the Jokester, the Riddlemaster, Catman, and even The Puffin!”
Twilight looked up long enough to crinkle her muzzle and stare off into space. “The Puffin? How is a puffin even scary?”
“It’s not supposed to be just scary,” Spike replied, his brows wagging from behind his phantasmal cape. “It’s cerebral and it’s really deep! The Puffin isn’t actually a puffin. He’s a portly unicorn with a top hat who always dresses in a tuxedo, and he uses magical umbrellas as weapons!”
“Magical…umbrellas?” Twilight snorted.
“Yeah!” Spike brightened. “See, he was picked on as a colt on account of his really weird looking muzzle, that kinda looks like a puffin’s beak, and his mother always made him carry umbrellas in public because she had this strange thing going where she thought that if he didn’t, he would catch pneumonia and die like his father.”
Twilight tried to make sense of what she was hearing. “So, his father died of pneumonia because he didn’t have an umbrella?”
“No no no,” Spike waved his arms. “His mom was just crazy. But The Puffin is one of the most unique Batmare villains because he’s not insane. He just had no friends growing up except for his beloved birds, and when his mother died, the birds were taken away. And so he turned to a life of crime as a classy mobster villain who dresses really nice. Burgess Thoroughbred played him in the movie. He has the perfect laugh for it. Really brings out the character.”
Twilight made a face. “He turned to a life of crime because somepony took his birds away? He sounds nuts to me.”
“Oh yeah? Imagine if you took Fluttershy’s birds away.”
Twilight didn’t want to think about that. “Why doesn’t he just get more birds?”
Spike folded his arms and huffed. “Well there’s more to it than all that, but you wouldn’t know because you don’t read it. Batmare is awesome because she always gets the bad guy, but she’s an earth pony, so she doesn’t rely on magic or flying. She solves really complicated puzzles with her wits alone and she never hurts anypony more than she has to, so she has a code of honor too.”
Twilight flicked and ear and offered her assistant a peace-offering in the form of a smile. “Alright, I guess if it’s thought-provoking and you really enjoy it that much, then I’m happy for anything that encourages a desire to read.”
“You read Daring Do after all,” Spike grinned. “It’s the same thing, just with supervillains and pictures. So can I go to the comic store now?”
Twilight promptly stuck her head back into the nearest bookshelf, vanishing in the manner of the noble ostrich. “Nope!”
“Ugh, fine…” Spike scooted across the table and craned his unfortunately non-equine neck in a vain attempt to see over Twilight’s shoulder. “I don’t even understand what we’re doing here.”
“We’re looking for answers, of course!” Twilight announced cheerfully. “I’m going to solve that little anatomical impossibility among our friends back in Ponyville once and for all!”
Spike glanced over at a large stack of books that had been removed from the shelves. Some of them sat open in various stages of research, and all of them had something to do with pony physiology, right down to a first-edition copy of Colt’s Anatomy. “You’ve read like every book in this entire place about pony body parts Twilight, and you did most of it before breakfast. I’m hungry and I think whatever you’re trying to find isn’t here.”
“It is here!” Twilight insisted, as she levitated half a dozen books out of her way. “Our friends would never lie to us Spike, and if everything they said the other day at Rarity’s Boutique was true, than clearly I don’t understand anatomy as well as I thought I did! I have to have this explained!”
Spike swung his legs over the side of the table and kicked at the air. He looked away, and a shiver ran through him, “Maybe…maybe they were just kidding? Rarity can’t possibly have a cock, because that would make her a…a-and that means I…and I just…I don’t get it…”
“Neither do I!” Twilight exclaimed. “That’s why we’re going to stay here as long as it takes until we find out!”
“Couldn’t we just, I dunno…ask them?” Spike ventured, uncertain if he really wanted to do that himself.
“You heard what they all had to say,” Twilight huffed. “According to everypony, I’m not normal because I don’t have a cock, and my pussy isn’t wet enough because there’s no cock around, and my brother doesn’t wake me up in the morning with his—”
“J-just stop,” Spike covered his face in one claw and tried to wave Twilight’s words away with the other. “So this is really just about you being ‘normal’, huh.”
“I’m totally normal!!” Twilight announced, her cheeks marred with dust from old books. “They are not normal! What if somepony put an evil spell on them!?”
“I dunno,” Spike mused. “Remember what happened the last time you were the only one who didn’t understand what was going on, and you just assumed Discord hexed everypony?”
“Are you okay with just accepting that Rarity has a...you know?” Twilight said, gesturing lewdly with her hoof. Spike wilted as he felt eyes on him from some of the other library patrons.
“Well…no…”
“Eeeeexactly!” Twilight ensorcelled another book and whipped it towards the pile, but she let out a small yelp as a second book got caught in the web of her magic. The unidentified tome sailed several feet across the room; both princess and dragon followed it with their eyes until it came to rest at the hooves of a familiar slate-gray mare, who was leveling an unmistakably deadpan look at them.
“M-Maud Pie?” Twilight blinked. “What are you doing here?”
Spike cleared his throat and pointed at the book that had almost beaned Maud, which was now lying open at her hooves.
“O-oh! I’m so sorry!” Twilight lit her horn and made to move the book away, but Maud stared down and planted one hoof on it, pinning it in place. Only her eyes moved as she examined the pages, and she was so stoic that it was impossible to tell if she was even breathing. Twilight and Spike eventually found one another’s eyes. Spike shrugged. Twilight spoke.
“Um, Maud? Are you okay?”
“Uranus,” Maud said simply.
“I…beg your pardon?”
Maud pointed to a passage in the book. “This is an astronomy book. It’s talking about Uranus. That word still makes me laugh like a filly.”
“You’re…laughing?”
Maud nodded. “Yes. It’s hysterical.”
“Pshh, Uranus,” Spiked muttered as he tried to stifle a giggle, “I bet somepony sat on the telescope the day they named that one…”
“Spike, hush,” Twilight frowned. She then prepared to ask the obvious question, but Maud beat her to it.
“So what are you doing here?”
Twilight and Spike glanced uncertainly at one another. Twilight swallowed. “W-well, you see, we’re…investigating. Something. About ponies.”
Maud stood perfectly still except for a slight incline of her head to indicate that the response was sufficient. “I’m here because the Canterlot library got some new geology textbooks in that I haven’t read yet. Those are books about rocks.”
“Y-yes, I know that,” Twilight stiffened. She glanced at Spike again, who was giving her a throat-cutting gesture, but she chose to ignore him.
“Maud, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes,” Maud replied in monotone.
“Does Pinkie Pie, umm…well…” Twilight cleared her throat, “Does Pinkie Pie have a…?”
Maud blinked once. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear that last part.”
“…ssy…” Twilight mumbled, her eyes darting around the room.
“Does Pinkie Pie have what,” Maud persisted.
Twilight attempted to enunciate herself via the ineffective expedient of elongating the syllables of her word. “…ssssssy…”
“Pinkie Pie doesn’t keep snakes. But she does have an alligator. Or maybe it’s a crocodile. I don’t know about things like that.”
“No!” Twilight blurted, frustration taking her. “I’m asking if your sister has a pussy!”
The sound of crickets was matched only by the quick sting of Spike slapping his own forehead. All eyes were now on the Princess of Friendship, whose grin was so huge her teeth were chattering.
Maud betrayed no reaction beyond a casual flick of one ear. “Twilight, you spend enough time around my sister to know the answer to that question.”
“I-I know but!” Twilight lowered her voice, “I know, but, it’s just, she said…”
Spike tried to pick up the slack. “You see, we uh…were talking to our friends the other day, and uh…well…”
Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. “You know what? You’re right. I do see her every day, and this is a very silly question, and of course I know that Pinkie Pie has an er…um…well, you know. How silly of me to even ask! Eh heh heh…”
“Pinkie Pie does not have a pussy,” Maud stated flatly.
Twilight froze. “Wait, you’re saying your sister does not have a pussy?”
“No,” Maud replied. “I would know if my sister has a pussy. Did you see a pussy in her house?”
“Err, you…you could say that, yes? I mean Missus Cake lives there too, so…”
“Pinkie Pie does not have a pussy because it would get in her way while she’s baking,” Maud explained. “And then it would end up with flour all over it. Flour all over your pussy is distracting because it gets ground into the surrounding coat, and you have to take a bath so you can—”
“Thank you!” Twilight stuck her foreleg out abruptly. “That’s all I really needed to know, so please don’t let me keep you from your new geology books!”
Maud twitched her tail once. What that gesture meant was beyond the perception of both princess and dragon. “If my sister has a pussy, it’s strange that I don’t know about it.”
“And how!” Spike agreed.
“Maybe I’ll go back to Ponyville with you whenever you’re leaving,” Maud went on. “I would like to pet my sister’s pussy and play with it some.”
“And h-wait what?” Spike choked.
“Pinkie had a pussy once for a little while when we were growing up,” Maud responded. “We all had one for awhile. Even my mom. We enjoyed playing with each other’s pussies a lot when we were foals, but we all liked mom’s the best because she was so frisky and--”
“Enough!” Twilight tried her best to keep her voice down, “I’ve heard enough, really! Thank you so much but that’s all I needed to know!”
“What is this?” A familiar voice rang out. “Who would speak of such things as pussies here, with such considerable volume?”
Twilight did an about face and came to hard, guard-like attention as the owner of the voice emerged from around a corner. “Princess Luna! H-How nice to see you this lovely afternoon!”
“Verily,” Luna nodded. She inclined her head in greeting, causing a bounce in the midnight sparkle of her everflowing mane. “It is good to see you too, Twilight Sparkle. This is not my preferred time of day, but I enjoy taking advantage of any opportunity to spend time with my sister.”
Twilight felt a chill. “P-Princess Celestia is…here…?”
“Twilight! How nice to find you in Canterlot today. Why, I didn’t even know you were coming!”
Behind and above the Princess of the Night emerged the willowy, elegant form of her elder sister, the crown princess of Equestria herself. Celestia’s pastel locks flowed with the fresh breezes of a summer’s day, despite the still air in the archives. The rays of sun from the every window seemed to seek out the adornments of her office just to favor them with a radiant glow. Celestia sported a carefree smile, and the spring in her step suggested her brow was light with the crown this day. Celestia nodded in turn to all of her subjects, and finally to her student.
“It’s good to see you, Twilight. What brings you here today?”
Twilight, who was hissing the phrase ‘don’t ask my why I’m here’ under her breath, smiled insincerely. “Oh! Well! I, we, I mean…Spike and I…” She patted the stack of books with one hoof, sending up a puff of dust that elicited a sneeze from Spike sufficient to immolate one of the tomes.
“We were, um…studying anatomy, and I…err…” Twilight stared in shock at the ashes that were once a book. Spike only shrugged helplessly. “We’ll…totally replace that one, also…”
“Twilight wanted to know about how my sisters and I used to play with our pussies,” Maud said.
“Wh-what! No!” Twilight waved her forelegs gregariously, “N-not at all! I don’t ever think about pussies! W-well, I suppose I think about my own sometimes, but that’s besides the—”
“Twiliiiight,” Spike jerked a thumb at the princesses and shrank his shoulders, “Ixnay on the uusypay….!”
“Oh? You have a pussy, Twilight?” Celestia smiled amicably. “I wasn’t aware.”
“You…you what?” Twilight stammered.
“How long have you had her?” Celestia went on. “I’d certainly like to see her sometime.”
Luna tapped her chin and glanced thoughtfully at the ceiling. “My, I do hope your pussy isn’t getting wet too often, Twilight Sparkle. From what I have heard, there’s been something of a snafu regarding embarrassing moisture as the result of meddling cocks in Ponyville as of late.” She let out a snort. “Honesty. Such difficult creatures, cocks. I far prefer a pussy.”
Spike gaped. “You do!?”
“Of course,” Luna shrugged. “I have quite a bit of experience with the pussy, particularly my own abominable one, with which I vanquished my enemies in days of yore. They are simply of greater interest to me. My pussy was also often on the prowl in the evening hours. Cocks by contrast are most often active in the morning, which is my sister’s forte.”
Celestia chuckled. “You never were particularly good with cocks, Luna. I remember how the one our father had kept slapping your cheek as a filly ages ago.” The crown princess’s chuckle became a giggle. “You should have seen her back then. Father’s cock kept us both busy and often got out of hand.”
Luna huffed, turning her muzzle up playfully, “Perhaps that is so, but as I recall, pussies were just as foreign to you. Why, it is through the efforts of my daring, relentless, steadfast pussy that we got sufficient wood to expand the borders of Equestria such that it could be what it is today!”
“My cock is made of rocks,” Maud chimed in. “He’s the most peaceful cock I’ve ever met, and he makes me very happy in the morning.”
“…not again…” Twilight whined, trying in vain to crane her neck around the side of Luna’s body as she spoke. “S-so, Princess Luna, you say your, um, pussy…helped you…claim territory?”
“Oh yes,” Luna replied. “You see, the pussies in those days were much larger and more ferocious. They are what ponies of the modern era would dub ‘prehistoric’. I’m proud to say that my pussy’s sharp teeth alone were enough to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies as I brandished her on the field.”
“T-teeth!?” Spike squeezed subconsciously together. “D-does Rarity’s pussy have teeth!? I-I didn’t know that was a thing!”
“Did you bring your pussy with you, Twilight?” Celestia asked. “I’d be interested in experiencing the pussy of my favorite student.”
“Gah…” Twilight’s jaw dropped. With her ears drooping, she slowly began to turn around.
“Twilight, what are you doing!?” Spike choked.
“You don’t…refuse a request from the crown princess, Spike…” Twilight whimpered.
With a yelp, Spike leapt off of the table and scampered over to block Twilight’s rump from view, which he was just about tall enough to accomplish. “I-I don’t care who asks for it, that’s indecent!” His eyes met Celestia’s “I um… I mean, with all due respect, Your Highness.”
Celestia looked oblivious. “Oh? Well, alright. It’s not a problem of course. I’m sure I can experience Twilight’s pussy next week, when I planned to come and visit the Palace of Friendship anyway.” Celestia smiled, “Knowing a pussy, I’m sure I’ll find her relaxing in the bedroom by a sunlit window when I get there.”
“I don’t go waving my pussy out the windows!!” Twilight exclaimed. Realizing who she was talking to, she curtsied abruptly, “I mean, excuse me Princess, b-but I don’t—“
“My pussy was the greatest of them all,” Luna bragged on, a hoof touched proudly to her chest. “Equestria’s borders were smaller back then, but my pussy got us so much wood that it seemed no plot was left untouched!”
Twilight put her hooves to her ears and stepped away, “Okay, okay! I understand! This couldn’t be more shocking than the time I found that jokebook written by Starswirl the Bearded!”
“Oh, he didn’t have a pussy,” Celestia commented
“You don’t say!” Twilight choked. “Go figure that!!”
“He did not, it is true,” Luna elaborated, “But his staff was a sight to behold.”
“His…his…”
“His staff,” Luna clarified, glancing then at her sister, “Do you remember Starswirl’s staff, Sister? I do not believe I’ve seen it’s like in all my nights since.”
“It was rather amazing,” Celestia agreed. “And his rod was quite ornate.”
“Wait,” Twilight gulped. “He had two?”
“Well of course,” Celestia replied as she offered a polite nod to a passing library patron. “Is it so hard to believe that a sorcerer of his caliber would have two?”
“Twilight is a sorcerer,” Maud, who was standing idly by listening, pointed out.
“Quite so!” Luna agreed. “Twilight Sparkle, you really are so similar in temperament to Starswirl the Bearded that it’s rather puzzling. You do have a rod, yes?”
“No?”
“Well, then certainly you have a staff?”
“No!”
Spike was mumbling at a wall of books, his scales practically wilting. ““A-Applejack said I’m Twilight’s cock…she doesn’t think I have a cock of my own, none of them do…”
Luna ignored the dragon, “How very curious, Twilight Sparkle. I suppose it is a matter of taste, but I do recall the many hours of satisfaction brought on by the presence of Starswirl the Bearded’s rod and staff. Do you not as well, Sister?”
“Oh yes!” Celestia seemed downright eager for the topic. “As I recall, Starswirl could entertain us with them for days! He was even adept at using both of them at the same time. Oh Twilight, I wish you could have been there. Such fireworks. I’m positive that you and he would have taken to one another right away, and I’m sure both you and your pussy would have enjoyed his rod and his staff in equal measure.”
Twilight’s left eye was twitching. “…c-can we…please just talk about something else…”
Though Maud’s face remained unreadable, her mind was working to accommodate the request of her sister’s dear friend. She spoke-
“The other day, my father let strangers come inside at our farm. It was very nice of him.”
Twilight marched stoically over to Spike and simply glared at him. The little dragon sighed.
“Right, I know, assume the position…” Spike stuck his head out so that Twilight could firmly cover his ears with her hooves. She then took a deep breath, collected herself, and finally replied.
“Maud, forgive me, but have you ever heard of TMI?”
Maud, who was paging through a geology textbook balanced on her hoof, didn’t even look up. “I learned a very important lesson about friendship. It was a rewarding experience to allow random ponies to come inside.”
Celestia’s grin was merry. “It’s always nice to hear when a pony encounters a new experience in friendship. Did your family share in it with you?”
“Yes,” Maud replied absently. “My sisters and my mother thought having strangers come inside was great. My dad thought so too.”
Twilight twitched and kept her attention on Spike’s oblivious stare. “Your…father, too?”
“Mmhmm,” Maud continued. “When the strangers came inside, we were all involved. Dad appreciated the one who came with the largest twig and berries. He added that pony’s offering to the soup that night.”
Twilight shut her eyes, sighed, and pushed Spike’s claws up to his ears so that she could use her hooves to cover her own. “…not listening, just not…not listening anymore…everything will be fine…”
Twilight felt a touch on her shoulder. She opened her eyes, removed her hooves, and looked up to find the comforting visage of her mentor, the crown princess, smiling warmly down at her.
“My student, you are so tense,” Celestia observed as she tested the tightness in Twilight’s upper back. “What’s the matter?”
“Yes,” Luna added, concern spreading over her muzzle as well. “What ails you, Twilight Sparkle?”
Even Maud approached. “When something is bothering me, I get my rocks off with Boulder.” She set her book aside and produced a small, smooth stone from her pocket. “Maybe if I ask nicely, Boulder will get your rocks off too-”
Twilight Sparkle, in a gesture learned from her time at a certain high school in another reality, firmly gave Maud ‘the hoof’ and focused instead on the inquiries from the princesses. “I-it’s just…what has gotten into everypony lately? With all due respect, can either of you really stand there and equate the magic of friendship with…with a group of strangers coming inside an entire family!?”
Celestia’s frown was not harsh, but to her student it was downright withering. “Twilight, I let strangers come inside all the time.”
“As do I,” Luna agreed. “Particularly those who have been hardened by their travels. Are we not supposed to extend a hoof to those in need?”
“A hoof!” Twilight declared. “Just a hoof!!”
Luna was perusing the spines of books on a shelf. “When I was small, my ferocious pussy and I had a habit for staying out until the weather turned. The result was not something I wanted the common ponies to see, so I waited by a secret opening and stroked my pussy, the both of us getting wet, until my sister let us come inside.”
Celestia’s brows peaked. “My student, you are the Princess of Friendship. Do you mean to say that you do not allow your subjects to come inside when they are needy?”
“NO!”
Celestia’s frown deepened. “If they allowed you to come inside when you were needy, would you not reciprocate?”
“I can’t do that I don’t have a cock!!” Twilight squawked.
“I have a cock…” Spike muttered, slouching on the table. “…nopony asks me to come inside…”
Celestia let out another small giggle. “Oh Twilight, you’re so silly sometimes. You certainly don’t need a cock to come inside.”
“I don’t!?”
Luna trotted over and held out her hoof, booping Twilight gently once on the tip of her muzzle. “Accomplishing such a task requires little beyond the simple use of your hooves.”
“D-does my cutie mark look like I have a skill like that!?” Twilight complained.
“Well,” Spike spoke up, pointing at Twilight’s flank, “When Batmare kicks somepony, stars appear over their heads. They use stars for other intense stuff too, so you could say that your cutie mark kinda looks like when you take a pony and—”
“Not helping, Spike!” Twilight rumbled, “And we are so having a talk about your reading material when we get home!”
“Twilight,” Celestia nabbed her student’s attention with slightly elevated volume. “What if you were needy, and I were to invite you to come inside? Would you not use your hooves to do so?”
Twilight swallowed hard. “I…you…what…?”
Celestia’s hoof moved to Twilight’s withers, where she again gently stroked. “I’m not sure what has you so agitated Twilight, but just a little kindness and understanding can go a long way. If you’re going to be in town for another day, I’d very much like it if you would visit me in my private chambers. You can come inside there, like old times whenever you were frustrated.”
Twilight felt dragon eyes boring into her from behind. She stiffened further despite the petting, and her voice dropped. “P-princess Celestia,” She whispered, “P-please don’t say that right in front of everypony…”
“Whyever not? We used to do it all the time when you were younger Twilight, and I don’t think anypony minded too much then?”
“Princess!” Twilight’s cheeks began to burn, and she actually put her hoof over Celestia’s lips, “I-I know, but please!”
Maud found herself next to the Princess of the Night. She held out the smooth stone she was still holding. “Boulder likes your crown. He thinks it looks very hard, and he would like to know if you’d like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place sometime.”
Luna considered the small stone. “My pussy was considered the terror of the Everfree long ago, but I do believe she would have enjoyed playing with such a hard thing as yours.”
“Your pussy,” Twilight interjected, “that you don’t have anymore apparently!”
“That’s correct.”
“Nopony here has a pussy or a cock!”
The sisters looked at one another. “Also correct,” They said in unison.
“Are we the last generation of ponies!?” Twilight babbled. “Is our species going to die out because of how many of us apparently just suddenly don’t have cocks or pussies to play with each other anymore!?”
Celestia eyed Spike, who was back to kicking his legs and staring at his knees. “Spike, did I hear you say you have a cock?”
Spike didn’t look up, “…that is a sentence I swear I thought I would never hear in my life…”
Celestia took that for an affirmation and turned to the furiously blushing Twilight. “And Twilight, you said that you have a pussy now, yes?”
“I have a pussy now, and I have had one for quite some time, thankyouverymuch!”
“Well!” Celestia clapped her hooves together, her slippers emitting a small metallic ring. “That’s perfect then! I know exactly what you need to take the stress of this entire situation off of you, Twilight!”
Twilight gaped. “You…you do?”
“Of course! You just need to have some fun!” Celestia puffed up with pride over her epiphany. “All work and no play makes ponies dull, my student, and it is even more important for a princess to remember that. I insist that the moment you get back to Ponyville, you and your pussy play with Spike and his cock!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You want me to…”
“Mmhmm!”
Twilight pointed at Spike, “…with him…”
“Mmhmm!”
“You know I hatched him from an egg as a baby, right?”
“Mmhmm!”
“And so he’s basically like my son, and so you’re asking me to use my pussy to play with my son’s cock. You are completely, positively, acutely aware of all of that, right?”
“Mmhmm!”
Spike’s eyes were darting around. “…can ponies and dragons even do that…?”
Maud touched Spike’s shoulder. “If your cock gets together with Twilight’s pussy, there will be fireworks.”
Spike’s eyes went wide, “Wait, my cock will explode!?”
“Like a rainboom,” Maud said mirthlessly.
Spike was squirming. “…I’ll never go near Twilight in the morning ever again…”
Twilight marched towards her saddle bags on the table and began to gather her possessions in the raspberry hue of her magic. “I can’t even…I don’t even…my head hurts…”
Spike, who was sitting right next to the bags, watched Twilight work. “Um, so later tonight, are you going to go to Princess Celestia’s room and—”
“No.”
“B-but you said it’s not right to refuse a request from the crown princess—”
Twilight merely raised one eyebrow and stared at her assistant. Her face was hewn from granite even tougher than Maud’s. Spike flailed his arms.
“On come on! I just want to be Rarity’s cock like she said I could be!!”
Twilight ensorcelled Spike and lifted him onto her back. “Come on Spike, it’s time to go.”
Spike blinked. “Huh? Where?”
Twilight’s ears dipped and she blushed. “Home. Princess Celestia is my mentor and she’s never steered me wrong, soooo…”
“What!?” Spike realized with horror that he was already in the air and heading towards an open window. “Wait! No! I don’t want my cock to explode like a rainboom!!!!”
The two princesses stood silently beside the single Pie sister, as the three of them watched Twilight’s violet rump shrink in the direction of the train station. Maud coughed. Princess Celestia scratched her temple.
“Your student is a fantastically complicated amalgamation of brilliance and thickness, Sister,” Luna observed. “And your personal zest for mirth never ceases to amaze me.”
Celestia grinned mischievously at the window. “Sometimes Luna, you just have to let your mane down.”
“Do you think we should stop them?”
Celestia tilted her head and flicked an elegant ear. “They’ll figure it out eventually. Let’s go get some tea.”
“Very well. But you are purchasing this time.”
The ring of metal on metal sounded as the princesses of day and night shared a hoof bump. They turned and marched from the library as casually as they had come.
Maud Pie started on her trek back towards the Canterlot train station. “Oh Pinkie,” she said aloud to herself, “you sly dog. Getting a pussy again. I can’t wait to pet it. I like cocks too. Your friends have so many cocks and pussies that I bet I’ll get to stroke them all. It’s so exciting that I’m just about to burst.”
Maud made good on her intentions. Boulder did too.