What the title says, Celestia uses tax money to buy more cakes. Then as a punishment, her sister kicks her out and is forced to live with Anon.
Princess Celestia was caught red handed by her sister, using tax money to purchase more sweet treats for her growing size. Luna decided it was time to take action and banished Celestia from Canterlot for a month. Pretty embarrassing to be banished by your younger sibling.
Celestia didn't want to let her little ponies see her like this. So she seeks out a place to take refuge from the mobs of newsponies and embarrassment.
Anon was teleported to Equestria accidentally by Discord. He absolutely despised ponies and didn't give two shits about any of them.
What happens when an alicorn that controls the sun shows up at his door?
Randomness and weirdness ensues.
Sex tag is for lots of suggestive things. No banging though.
Princess Celestia felt herself being magically thrown out into the dark night. She stood up and looked around, she was on the road that leads to the gates of Canterlot. Looking ahead, the gate wasn't that far, she could see the torches flickering in the distance.
'Lulu isn't too powerful, I'll just walk right back in,' Celestia smiled as she trotted towards Canterlot's gates, only to be stopped by a dark blue rubber-like field that just pushed her back.
'Alright, I'll just use a teleportation spell then,' her horn glowed it's golden color as she readied the spell. The darkness around her was illuminated by the bright flash as the alicorn disappeared, only to reappear in the same spot. Upside down.
Celestia gave an annoyed sigh, 'How is this possible?! Lulu isn't stronger than me!'
Making one last attempt, she spread her humongous wings and shot forward like a bullet, only to be greeted by the dark blue rubber-like field stretching forward to its maximum point, then slingshotting her backward into the cold dirty ground.
'I see how it is Lulu,' she mentally seethed. She then looked around, 'Now what?'
Going through her options, they were: let all her ponies see her and begin riots saying that Celestia isn't even a god and Luna should be the new one or ask her former student, Twilight, for assistance.
Both options sucked, she didn't even know why her ponies started calling her god, she wasn't even one. If she asked Twilight, she might be skeptical but hopefully, Celestia can come up with a coverup story.
Deciding the second choice was the best, she unfolded her wings and took to the cold dark skies.
<><><><><>
An Hour Later
Celestia had reached Twilights library. Circling the tree and making sure that no ponies were looking out of their windows or having a midnight stroll first before landing softly. Celestia approached Twilight's door and knocked as silently as she could. She waited patiently until it took way too long and nopony answered. She placed an ear to the door and listened, not a single sound was emitted, not even her assistants snoring.
Celestia's face turned grim remembering that Twilight and her friends all went to the Crystal Empire to spend time away from Ponyville.
She sighed and looked through her options once more.
There was Discord but he's probably never going to let go the fact that her sister was more powerful than her and there was her castle in the Everfree forest but heading into the forest at midnight alone wasn't the best idea.
But it was that or sleeping in a tree.
Celestia sighed for the umpteenth time until she saw a faraway light lit up the darkness, flickering to life. None of the ponies were awake, it was around twelve in the morning, who could be awake at this time? The light was coming from somewhere near the Everfree, Celestia thought it was strange, 'Who could be living near the Everfree? There's Fluttershy but she's absent and nopony fancied living on the edge.'
Celestia's curiosity took over as she silently trotted over to the light, looking for the source. The source was coming from the window of a large one-story house, the house wasn't like the other ponies as the door was a lot bigger, about Celestia's size. The house was similar to the other ponies but the roofing had strange tiles Celestia had never seen before instead of dried compacted hay and the outer walls were stacked with logs instead of concrete.
Celestia was genuinely curious to who the owner could be. If she had ever owned a house, this would be the one she occupied.
She crouched as low as she could go but being about the size of her extinct ancestors, the horses, she was still huge.
Especially around her rump.
She slowly peeked into the window as her eyes widened upon seeing a creature that she had never seen before in her lifetime.
<><><><><>
Anon sat in the comfy recliner chair, doing some late night reading on Equestria's astronomy. It's been about a year since he's arrived here, it be honest, when Discord teleported his ass here, this was basically his dream. He got away from paying rent and taxes plus not having to deal with his short-tempered boss for not doing anything correctly, even though he was doing everything correctly. But that came at the expense of leaving his mother and sister who were dealing with his father's passing and having to deal with these multicolored gay ponies.
He sometimes became mildly depressed whenever the image of his family mentally appeared but Discord had always cheered him up with chocolate milk and cotton candy.
After he found out that he as the only human here and that their leaders would probably capture him and dissect him, he made sure that these ponies never spoke of him. So he drew a picture of his weapon, gave it to Discord who somehow recognized it, and 'spawned' it in with his magic.
He now fucking had a .357 S&W Magnum revolver. Discord even spawns in rounds daily when he needs them. Discord is like the ultimate bro he's never had before. If he never did this, it was either living on the streets on Earth or going insane from ponies. He'll have to repay him with cotton candy or something.
Anon usually used the revolver in self-defense or to intimidate the ponies, which made them never speak of his name when he demonstrated the destruction it was capable of. He hasn't used it in self-defense yet and he hoped he'll never have to.
Anon was jerked from his thoughts as a silent knock came from the door, 'I swear, Lyra will never give up,' he thought as there was another knock, 'Goddamn she's persistent, I'll give her that.'
He slowly placed the book on the table in front of him and cautiously walked over to the door, pulling out the destructive weapon from his back pants and flicking the safety off with a click as he reached for the door handle.
He flung the door open and thrust the barrel to where a human's head would've been. He was about to aim down realizing that ponies are small as fuck until apparently the pony in front of him was almost as tall as him.
<><><><><>
Celestia stood motionless, a hoof raised mid-knock and eyes wide as the 'L' shaped object was pointed right below her horn on her forehead. She could sense the amount of destructiveness the object could cause and hoped that this creature was friendly or she was dinner.
"U-um, greetings creature, I am―" she was cut off as the creature pulled the weapon off to the side and in one swift motion, hit her square on the side of her head, her mind going blank as darkness shrouded her vision.
<><><><><>
'SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT,' Anon thought as he stared at the unconscious pony. He had panicked, the princess had found him but now said princess was sleeping on his doorstep. He flicked the safety back on and placed the weapon on the table behind him.
Discord came floating out of a room, rubbing his eyes and wearing pajamas, "Anon, what are you..." His eyes widened, "WHAT did you do?!" he hissed.
"I don't know!" Anon hissed back.
"What do you mean you don't know?!"
"I fucking panicked!" he retorted, throwing his hands in the air, 'I swear, Twilight probably reported me, she gonna get it when she comes back...' he angrily thought.
"Well, what now? You just attacked one of the princesses and now she's lying on your doorstep!"
"I don't fucking know for now," Anon looked over at the sleeping white form, "Help me move her inside and spawn in some ropes and a powerful magic inhibitor."
"Oh~" Discord suggestively wiggled his brows as he lazily flew around Anon, "I didn't know you were into bondage."
Anon glared at him as he grunted, picking up the massive horse-like pony. He was pretty strong as bullying in high school motivated him to work out constantly, then show up at school and beat the living shit outta them.
"Just fucking spawn the shit in or she'll won't be the only one on the ground you asswipe."
Celestia groggily woke up as she groaned. She felt as if a fully loaded steam locomotive collided with her head. And then proceeded to mind-bang her. Hard.
'What happened...? Did I eat too much cake again?' she thought as she tightly shut her eyes from the sunlight shining through a window, 'Looks like Lulu rose the sun on her own again.'
She sifted through her thoughts, trying to recall the events that happened before. She remembered being banned from Canterlot because her sister didn't agree to the purchase of sweets, trying to find somewhere to hide before raising the sun, and then darkness. Celestia groaned as a headache became more prominent.
'Where am I?' Celestia lifted her head and looked around, she was in a living room laying on the most comfortable couch she's ever laid on. Across from her was a bookshelf stacked with books and a desk, to her right was a door that led outside and to her left was a few rooms, probably the kitchen and bedroom. She noticed that her royal attire was missing as the heavy feeling wasn't there, but there were more important things to worry about than that. But she felt a little...naked without it.
Celestia slightly jumped at hearing what sounded like shouting from outside. She tried to move but realized she couldn't, looking down she saw that her forelegs and hindlegs were bound by rope. Celestia started to panic, she tried to spread her wings, nothing happened. She tried to use magic, not even a slight golden glow. Whoever this creature was, getting his hooves on a powerful magical inhibitor that could stop alicorn magic, definitely wanted to capture an alicorn.
Her eyes widened in fear remembering the events that lead to this situation. She had met a creature she had never seen before living in this home at night. Now she was tied up in the creature's house. What will it do to her?
Celestia was jerked from her thoughts as a familiar draconequus kicked down the door, dropping it to the floor with a loud thud, and ran across the room on all fours. He was wearing Celestia's crown for some reason.
"Discord! Thank goodness you're here! Please help me!" Celestia frantically said, ignoring that Discord took her crown.
Discord stopped and looked at Celestia, "Nuh-uh! I gotta get outta here, Anon's not happy!" Discord then heard a whoosh of air as a tomahawk flew into the house and embedded itself in the wall inches from Discord's head. Both of their eyes widened. Discord then proceeded to throw himself at a nearby window, smashing through it and flying away.
"No! Discord, come back!" Celestia shouted. But it was hopeless as nopony answered. A question appeared in her mind, 'Who's Anon? And who could scare Discord so easily?'
She heard the sound of hoofsteps making their way hastily to the entrance as she turned her head towards the entrance. She cowered back into the depths of the couch as a tall bipedal creature ran across the room and up to the window, "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YOU FOUR-LEGGED DEFORMED LIZARD!" it screamed whilst raising a balled fist. Realizing that the draconequus wasn't coming back, he turned and grumbled his way into another room.
Celestia didn't know what to do, whether to scream for help and be discovered tied up by her little ponies or to lay here and let the creature do whatever he desired. Celestia hoped the last one wouldn't happen. There was a loud crashing sound in the room with the creature.
"FUCK!"
Celestia's ears folded back at the loud curse word as she saw the creature trudge out of the room.
The creature was wearing what seemed to be a black formal business attire with white shirt underneath along with a red tie. Its face was green and lacked eyes but the creature could see for some reason, right smack dab in the middle was a question mark. Why? Celestia didn't know. Its hands were also green, the right hand was wrapped in a bandage with a dark red stain on it. The left hand was holding a plate with had a dark chocolate cake on it.
Celestia's ears perked up as her mouth watered at the sight while she licked her lips. When was the last time she had a piece? About seven hours ago? Way too long.
Anon's hand felt like it had been crushed by a five-ton press. And then had salt shaken over it. Anon looked down at his plate of cake.
'Shit, I forgot a fork,' he thought was she started for the kitchen again. He paused at the doorway, eyeing the tomahawk embedded in the wall, then looked down at the cake, then back up at the tomahawk. He shrugged as he reached up with his injured hand and pulled it out of the wall. Wiping the concrete dust off, then sliced off a small piece with the weapon and ate it. Giving a face of 'this will do', Anon made his way towards his recliner and sat down to enjoy his treat.
Anon then remembered he had a prisoner in his house as he turned his head towards the couch. Anon already knew her name since she was the goddamn ruler of a nation he was currently dwelling in. He looked down at the white alicorn, who obviously wanted some of his diabetic sweets.
"Soo...my name's Anonymous," Anon said. Celestia opened her mouth but was cut off, "I know who you fucking are."
Celestia closed her mouth and stared at the cake. She was craving for some of that sugary goodness, "Can I―"
She was cut off again, "No, you can fuck off and sit there and watch," Anon calmly stated, "I paid good money for this shit," he then pointed the tomahawk, which was now covered in chocolate frosting, at Celestia, "You fucking placed a huge ass tax on this."
Anon was right, she did place a tax on sweets in order to receive more bits for the purchase of some cakes for herself and Luna, she thought nothing bad could happen. Looks like it came back to bite her in the flank, "Please, I'm starving, I haven't eaten since yesterday," Celestia pleaded. To her, this was utmostly embarrassing. Asking a commoner, who was a hairless bipedal ape at she just met a few minutes ago, for some cake. She was in no position to be negotiating.
To Anon, this was laughable and slightly concerning. Laughable because of the ruler of Equestria, tied up in his house, asking for cake? This was one hell of a day. Concerning because he captured the ruler of a nation and would probably have a pony version of the secret service on his ass. He was probably going to die, even if he released her. But fuck it, might as well have a little fun.
"I'll give you something later, right now," he looked over at the door which was still on the floor, "I gotta fix this door," he placed his plate of half-eaten cake on a desk along with the tomahawk across the room and moved over to fix the door.
Celestia stared at the cake. She was hungry. Hungry for some goddamn cake. She looked over at Anon who was busy hammering in the hinges to the door. She could roll on over to the desk and swipe it away but that's just a stupid idea. She knows that the 'L' shaped weapon could do a number on her, she had experienced it last night. Same with that deadly tomahawk that almost beheaded Discord. She shivered a little. If Discord was afraid of Anon, she probably should be too.
Anon backed up and tossed the hammer that he pulled out of nowhere to the side and looked upon his work. He gave it a light kick. It stayed. Shrugging, 'Good enough,' he turned around to pick up the plate to finish eating. But saw the broken window and groaned.
"Stay here Celestia, you move from the vicinity of this couch and I'll pour bleach down your nose," Anon walked over to the window and stepped through it, glass crunching and walked towards the nearest hardware store. He could've used the door but that's just too much walking.
Celestia just laid there, stunned by such a cruel punishment that will transpire if she decides to depart from the couch. Not wanting a cleaning product pumped down her nostrils, she decided against moving.
'Hopefully, Anon will house and supply me with food for a month,' Celestia looked out of a nearby window, 'Must be twelve or one o' clock,' she thought.
She sighed and hoped once more that Anon will untie her, this was just as humiliating as being overpowered by her sister.
'Just a month to go...' she thought as she laid her head down on the soft couch, '...with or without cake.'
Anon pushed the door open and walked into the hardware store, hands pocketed and the smell of sawdust and alcohol in the air for some reason. It was like a miniature version of Home Depot shoved in some guy's house. Anon looked over to the counter and saw an earth pony stallion with a light brown coat and a white mane.
"Windows and door again?" he asked.
"Just the windows," Anon replied, "Fixed the door this time," the stallion nodded and walked towards the aisle to retrieve a windowpane.
Anon leaned on a wall, crossed his arms and legs and closed his eyes. Today was a strange day, what will he do with a pony the size of a horse in his house? Discord isn't much of a problem, he moved in when he couldn't stand doing tea parties with Fluttershy anymore. The only problem is that Anon has to deal with Discord's bullshit like this morning when he poured chocolate milk into his orange juice he was enjoying at a restaurant. Which was empty because these ponies sorta fear him, some are fine with him and understand his intentions which are nice depending on the circumstances. Anon shook his head, 'Lemme tell you, OJ and chocolate milk are not good combinations,' he thought as he tried to think about how Discord managed to survive running purely on cotton candy and chocolate milk, 'He should be dead from diabetes.'
Anon heard the sound of clopping hooves as he opened his eyes. The stallion had come back with a crystal clear window and some rubber sealant on his back. Anon pocketed the sealant and pulled the window off of the stallion's back, "Thanks," Anon said as he fished out a sizeable bag of bits and handed it over to the stallion who nodded and went back to his counter. Anon looked at the window, he noticed the label indicating that it was magically resistant to anything, the price was fucking huge and he paid like nothing compared to this price. Anon looked over at the counter, the stallion was staring off into space, 'Fuck it,' Anon thought as he pushed it back home, it was pretty big.
<><><><><>
Anon backed up and looked at his work. The window looked as if no one had ever used it as an escape route and a doorway. Pulling out a hammer from somewhere, he threw it at the window. Instead of the hammer bouncing off harmlessly, it somehow shattered into pieces, iron and all, it just shattered, 'Fuckin' magic I swear,' he thought as he stared at the broken pieces, 'I'm not cleaning this up.'
Anon walked around to his front door and entered his house, Celestia still laying on the couch, tied up, looking up at him. The plate of chocolate cake was still sitting on the desk, 'Dammit, I forgot to put it in the fridge,' closing the door, he walked up, picked up the plate and headed for the kitchen.
"No, wait Anon! Can I have it?" Anon stopped at the doorway, looked at her in the eyes. Celestia could feel his eyes drilling into her as if he could see her soul, she can hide her emotions very well behind a mask but Anon was making her uncomfortable and she can feel it slipping.
"No," Anon calmly replied before disappearing into the kitchen.
Celestia's eyes shrunk, "Please, Anon! I'm famished!" Celestia pleaded. Her reply was a head of lettuce flying out of the kitchen and hitting her square in the face. Celestia rubbed her muzzle on the couch before looking at the edible plant in front of her. She scrunched up her face, she could eat this but she'd rather have a side of ranch or maybe some cake. Deciding this was all she was getting, she lowered her head and silently ate her food. At least it was better than nothing, maybe she'll get more later. She doubted that Anon will let her starve. Hopefully, she's correct. She jumped when the door was kicked down with a loud smash and an earth pony with a beige coat galloped in.
"Anon! One of the princesses was banished―" her eyes fell upon the tied up form of their ruler who gave a not convincing and nervous smile. Celestia hoped that this pony would not tell the press about this.
Anon came running out of the kitchen, his magnum drawn and pointed at the pony, the magical safety off. It was fucking Bon-Bon, "What the fuck are you doing?! I just fixed that door you ignorant Mongol-tard!"
Bon-Bon flinched at such an insult, whatever a Mongol-tard was, before regaining her composure and yelling back at Anon "You should explain why one of the princesses is in your house tied up!"
"First of all, learn to knock dammit, second, because she terrorized me at night while I was trying to read in peace!" Anon yelled, "And she was gonna assassinate me!" Celestia's face contorted to confusion. When did she try to murder Anon? She only knew of him since yesterday.
"What?! Why would the princess of Equestria try to kill you?!" she yelled.
"Remember that time two months ago?!" she held a hoof up to her chin before shaking her head, "When Celestia here fucking sent an entire battalion of guards here armed to the teeth?" her mouth formed and 'O' as she remembered, "Well, I bet that she came back to find me herself!"
Celestia was utterly confused, "What? When did I do that? I don't recall such a repugnant act."
Anon had lowered the weapon and threw it off to the side somewhere as the two stared at her, "Well, Celestia, Twilight sent you a letter saying a creature was attacking Ponyville, right?"
She hesitantly shook her head, not remembering any letters stating an attack, "Must've been Luna then..." he murmured. Anon had remembered seeing Celestia's guards instead of Luna's bat ponies, "Anyway that's when a huge ass bear that looked like Barney on steroids came into town and started wrecking the place."
Celestia tilted her head and looked at Bon-Bon who sighed and shook her head, "Ursa Major..." Celestia formed and 'O' with her mouth. Whatever Barney was, she did not know but it must be similar to an Ursa Major.
"What happened to it?" Celestia asked. She was currently wondering why she never got a letter on this. If Luna got it like Anon had just muttered, she was concerned on why her sister received the letter and she didn't and why didn't she receive any news until now.
"I kicked that motherfucker into orbit," Anon said as he gave the air a light kick to demonstrate his heroic deeds. Celestia tilted her head again in complete confusion and looked at Bon-Bon who shrugged with a foreleg.
"I don't know princess, it actually happened. I was there and saw it with my own eyes. It's probably dead orbiting Equus," Bon-Bon never expected Anon to actually do good once in his life that day. She expected Ponyville to be in ruins by the time Celestia's guards came. That was a strange day.
Celestia laid there, her mind processing the information. If Anon really did send an Ursa Major into Equus' atmosphere, what's going to stop him from sending Celestia to the moon or even sun? She shivered a little.
Bon-Bon turned and looked up at Anon, "Anyway Anon, now what? You have a princess tied up in your house. If ponies weren't scared of you before, they'll be now if they discover her."
Anon shrugged, "I dunno, but I'm keeping her. Serves Luna right for trying to kill me."
"What? Anon you can't keep the princess in your house tied up!"
"Who says I can't?"
"Uh, Princess Luna, maybe?"
"Fuck her, I don't give a shit, I'm taking Celestia as payment for sending guards and traumatizing me," Celestia's face scrunched up, she was apparently worth something now.
Bon-Bon sighed before Anon spoke again, "And don't tell anyone about this," he added.
Bon-Bon stared up at Anon, "If I do?"
"Then you'll be joining Barney," he said whilst pointing towards the ceiling.
Seeing Anon's face, which looked like he wanted to do it for fun, Bon-Bon gave a nervous smile, "Oookkkayyy, I'll, uh, I'll see you at work on Tuesday then..." she said as she backed out and galloped away. Anon somehow got a job here in this place, maybe because he saved Ponyville once from that oversized bear. Of course, Discord could've just made everything he wanted appear out of thin air so Anon didn't have to constantly pay for anything but Anon didn't want to become a lazy anti-social little shit that lives in complete isolation.
"Anon," Celestia said. Anon turned his head to look at her, "Why did you assume that I sent out guards to murder you?"
"Well, because those ponies that tried to kill me were wearing golden armor, not that blue-purple stuff Luna's guards had so I guessed it was you," Anon said, slightly shrugging.
Celestia's mind exploded when she remembered that she lent Luna a bunch of guards because she was currently lacking in hers, "Well Anon, I didn't send those guards if you are still wondering, but it was most likely that my sister did," Celestia disliked blaming her sister but she banished Celestia from Canterlot so this was basically revenge.
Anon stared at her before shrugging, "Welp, someone new to add to the mental kill list," Celestia regretted mentioning her sister. Anon looked down at the broken door, "Dammit, I forgot to tell her to pay for this," Anon groaned as he walked towards the fallen door. But he stopped when he heard a snap and the door disappeared, only to reappear fixed and back on the entrance, "Discord? Come out."
Discord poofed into existence next to Anon, still wearing Celestia's crown, "Hello Anon! I do hope that you're enjoying yourself."
"You know I'm still mad at you," he growled. Discord took a step back, slightly fearing for his life, "But for fixing my door I'll let you go," Discord did a fist pump, "But don't do that again, I'm capable of fixing shit on my own and I'll be taking that crown," Anon said as he swiped for the crown and placed it on his head.
"Awww, Anon, come on. You're no fun," Anon ignored him and walked into the kitchen. Discord looked at Celestia who stared back at him. She motioned with slight shake to her tied hooves, "I'm sorry Celestia but I can't help you."
"What? Why?"
Discord leaned closer to Celestia and whispered, "Because Anon here is capable of many things that I do not know of and most of them are pretty scary Celestia," Celestia stared at him, "He's also my best friend!" Celestia was stunned. Since when did Discord consider friendship?
"Yo, Discord!" Anon yelled from the kitchen. Both their heads whipped in the direction of the voice.
"Yes?" Discord yelled back.
"You want some cake? The frostings melted though and I'm not hungry," Discord's face lit up while Celestia frowned. Discord ran on his fours into the kitchen then came out with a half sliced chocolate cake along with a tomahawk covered in chocolate frosting. Discord could've just used a fork, but no, he uses the weapon that almost killed him. Celestia scowled at Discord who sat down in the corner of the room and happily ate. Discord noticed and stopped chewing, staring at the angry tied up alicorn before grinning mischievously. Before Celestia could guess what was going to happen, the entire room quickly lit up in a bright flash while Celestia shut her eyes tightly. When she opened her eyes, she saw herself gobbling up the cake in a un-princessy like manner. Discord looked up at Celestia, smugly smiling, which to Celestia was a creepy-looking Celestia covered in chocolate frosting. Is that what Celestia looked like when she was eating cake?
Anon came walking out, still wearing the crown, "Who fucking went Super-Saiyan in...here," Anon saw the two white alicorns, both staring at him, "Uh, am I interrupting something?" 'Discord' Anon guessed, in the corner shook his head, "Alright..."
Celestia glared at Anon angrily, "You give him a slice and not me?!" she yelled. Anon glared back at her.
"Because you technically tried to kill me and he hasn't," Anon said calmly. You'd expect the princess of Equestria to refrain from yelling. A lot.
"What?! You just said that my sister did!" Celestia retorted.
"Well, she had command of your guards which you probably had to have given her," Anon wasn't wrong on his conjecture. Celestia knew that well, "Alright, first of all, no goddamn yelling in my house, got it?" Celestia glared at Anon, "I guess that's a yes then. Second, if you behave and not try to kill me or run, maybe I'll give you something other than lettuce," Celestia's ears perked up at this news. Maybe she'll get some cake! She needed some cake badly or she'll go insane.
Celestia laid on the couch in silence before speaking, "Fine. I accept your terms," Anon gave a small nod, "But can you at least untie me? These ropes are digging into my fur."
"Nah," Celestia glared at him and sighed, "Until I know you are gonna run away, you're staying like that. Also, I'm using you as a bargaining chip when Luna comes here," Anon turned his head to look at Discord in the corner.
Discord who was still disguised as Celestia was busy licking the plate, "Dude, turn back, you look retarded," Celestia snorted while Discord stopped and stared at Anon. His muzzle was completely covered in frosting. Anon saw a slightly sinister smile form on his frosting-covered lips before Discord then undisguised and lunged backward and smashed through a window, flying away. Again.
Celestia laid upon the couch in the most non-majestic position ever, still tied up and bored as Tartarus. It's been hours since Discord had exited Anon's house in a strange way and Anon had left to do some errands, buying a new window was one of them. Anon had also finally given her something worth munching on which was a bowl of salad with some dressing which was much better than the bundle of lettuce that he had assaulted her with. It wasn't fit for a princess but better than plain lettuce.
Her usual golden regalia attire had eventually disappeared due to Discord's shenanigans and now she felt exposed. While she ignored it most of the time, she still felt revealing even though ponies normally don't wear clothes but at least she got the nice feeling of not being weighed down every. Single. Day. By heavy pieces of solid gold.
Celestia sighed for the umpteenth time. This was really excruciating. She could've been somewhere else other than confined to a couch, but nooo, she just had to talk with this strange creature and ask him for somewhere to disappear for a month only to get clobbered in the head with a weapon and kept a prisoner in his house. At least it was better than being an actual prisoner and being treated like one, others could've used this to their advantage. Celestia shivered and pushed the thoughts into the thought shredder. She did not want to be thinking about that.
She felt a strong gust of chilling wind brush against her fur and she shivered a little.
Wait, it's only the middle of fall. The weather team said no cold winds for another week.
She turned her head towards the broken window, the shattered glass still on the floor everywhere and noticed a few flakes of white falling through. It's snowing...I thought the schedule said that there wasn't going to be any for another four weeks. Somepony must've messed up their calendar.
She heard the sound of hooves trotting up to the door and stopping. Celestia held her breath, she didn't want another pony seeing her in this embarrassing situation. Bon Bon would probably keep her muzzle shut but still, anything could happen. She heard the sound of ruffling papers before a single sheet of paper was slid under the door and the sound of hooves dissipated as the pony walked away. Celestia let out the breath in relief and stared at the sheet. She tried to pick it up with magic but realized she currently didn't have access to it. She groaned in annoyance.
There was a popping sound as a certain mischievous draconequus poofed into the middle of the room wearing a very decorative and flashy red sweater, "Greetings Celestia!," Discord said happily before his face turned to an overly sarcastic horrific look while reeling back as if Celestia had just said the most offensive thing ever, "My, my Celestia! Not wearing the Hearth's Warming Eve colors?"
"It's not even December," Celestia deadpanned. Discord ignored her and snapped his claw, Celestia tightly shut her eyes as she was enveloped in a bright light as she felt magic wash over her and something now covering her neck and legs. Celestia opened her eyes and saw that she had a red and white striped scarf wrapped around her neck along with pink striped socks covering her white hooves. But these weren't your normal everyday socks, these were advanced socks mixed in with Discord's chaotic magic which gave them a more comfortable, warm and heavenly feeling on Celestia's hooves, a feeling that no other sock had. And the same old rope still wrapped tightly around her hooves which ruined it. At least she was going to be warm from now on.
"Oh, um, thank you...Discord..." She trailed off, a little confused with his never before seen generosity and admiring the socks that seemed to match her coat quite well.
"It's my pleasure," He said, bowing like he had just finished a performance, "Now, let's see what this letter says!" Discord chimed cheerfully and doing a summersault over to the sheet of paper lying on the ground and picking it up, conjuring a pair of very big and unstylish pink reading glasses and donning them on. A certain marshmallow pony far away did a spit take. Discord quickly read the sheet, slightly making a disgusted face at the end and then decided it was irrelevant and unimportant, crumpling it up and tossing the wad at Celestia who was still admiring the pink socks and lazily gliding away into a room.
Being pulled out of her trance, Celestia stared at the ball of dead tree cells before attempting to awkwardly uncrumple it with her still tied hooves. Patting and brushing it out flat she read the sheet.
Breaking News
About a day ago, Princess Celestia was seen outside of Canterlot at night, attempting to do strange magical acts in the middle of the road witnesses say. After casting a few spells, she was then last seen flying off towards Ponyville and hasn't come back to Canterlot or informed us about her leave. Princess Luna has acknowledged us recently, announcing that her sister was on a vacation but ponies are getting suspicious and worried. Is Princess Celestia in danger? We will keep you updated on the situation.
Turn to the back for more information on Granny Smith's new relationship with Braeburn.
Celestia did not want to flip the sheet over unless she wanted therapy sessions, the rest on the front was about the strange weather and nothing too special. But what concerned her the most was that ponies were starting to pick up on her disappearance which ultimately frightened her. What if her sister found out that she was tied up in some creature's house? Luna would either laugh her flank off or bring an end to Anon's life. Which Celestia really did not want that to happen since Anon is a pretty decent guy. Decent because he hasn't tortured her or something horrible yet. And he has fffffffriggin' cake somewhere! Celestia will eventually get some delicious cake soon enough if she willingly cooperates.
There was grunting outside as a brand new window was lifted into the old smashed window's place and then the sound of hammer on glass, and the window was fixed. How did it work? Magic maybe. There were a few sounds of snow crunching outside and the door was pushed open and Anon walked through carrying three large white boxes. Celestia noticed it was starting to snow heavier. She also noticed the three white boxes. They could've been normal everyday boxes but they were white and Celestia could smell the sugar from here. It was pretty obvious on what he had bought.
"Alright, so it's snowing heavily outside so I don't think we'll be going outside for a while," Celestia's ears flattened and her face saddened a little, she wanted to go outside in the snow. She's always been caught up with running a nation with no time to do any fun activities. Of course, she took strolls in her royal garden but they were very short.
Anon noticed her saddened expression as he took off his shoes before setting the boxes on his desk, "Tell you what, be a good pony and maybe we'll go outside for a while when the winds die down," Celestia's ears perked up as she grinned like a little filly given candy. Anon smiled, it warmed his heart seeing this but also saddened him a bit. She reminded him of his family.
Pushing the depressing thoughts away, Anon noticed her attire. Hmm, wonder where she got those. Discord perhaps. "Nice socks and scarf, they really fit you," Celestia lightly blushed as she looked away. Usually, it was ponies or her sister that would complement her and she'd smile, unfazed by the comment but right now, she actually felt like somepony genuinely liked her appearance and complimented her. Weird pony feelings are getting to her. Anon thought it was fucking adorable.
Celestia coughed, "So," she said, interrupting Anon's thoughts, "Do I sit here the entire time or...?"
He pulled out a knife seemingly out of nowhere. Celestia's eyes widened, which Anon noticed, "Don't worry, Celestia. I'm just gonna cut away the ropes," Celestia relaxed but was still unsure, "As long as you don't try to kill me. Then this knife will do more than just cut rope," He said grimly. Celestia gulped. No sudden movements or she's dinner.
Anon walked over and cut the bindings off of her hooves. He glanced at the inhibitor on her horn, thinking about it for a second, before grabbing the cut ropes and throwing them into a trash bin, "Alright, now walk into the middle of the room," Celestia stood up, nearly collapsing from her sudden weight because of laying around for a day. Tied up. She mentally deadpanned to herself.
She walked into the middle of the room and looked at Anon for more instructions, "Sit," She sat on her haunches, "Lie down."
Celestia complied as she laid on her belly but she didn't like the fact she was being treated like an animal, "Why are you talking to me like a dog?"
Anon shrugged, "I don't know. Just testing some stuff. Now roll over," He said with a circular motion with his hands.
Celestia thought this was getting ridiculous, "Ok Anon this is absurd, I'm not going to―" Anon pulled out a plate with a slice of cake on it. Oh god, things just got real. Celestia thought as she ogled the slice dazed and drooling. Instantly forgetting that she's a princess that rules an entire nation.
Anon smiled, his past assumptions was correct; ponies are like household pets. While he has been spending a year here, he couldn't get his hands on another pony without getting in jail so he couldn't really do science on ponies. His image wouldn't look good if he was walking around and feeling up every pony...if his image hasn't been ruined already. Even if it were just small ear scratches still, ponies are paranoid and hesitate to everything. Probably because their town gets attacked daily.
"Roll over," He said calmly. Celestia was pulled from her slight daydreaming, wiping her muzzle with a sock-covered hoof and complied, rolling over to her back and again onto her belly and looking up at Anon expectingly, wagging her multicolored tail and grinning. Anon didn't know why but this was pretty neat. Maybe he could keep the princess as a pet, that'd be pretty awesome to see Twilight's face when he has a princess as a pet when he shimmies on over to their pony pet play dates they have once in a while. Anon smiled at the thought.
Anon realised something, "Wait here, I gotta put these boxes in the fridge. I'll be back," Celestia whined in a unprincessy manner, "Oh yeah, here," He said as he placed the plate on the ground, "For being a good little pony," Not-so-little pony's eyes widened in glee as she grinned the biggest grin that would put Pinkie Pie to shame and plunged her face into the slice. Anon chuckled as he walked into the kitchen with boxes in hand. Celestia joyfully devoured the slice in pure bliss, savoring it's heavenly taste as if she'd never would have another sweet in a lengthy period. Celestia picked up the plate with her hooves and licked the plate squeaky clean, wanting every last drop of chocolate icing. She placed the plate down gently on the floor and happily licked her lips. Anon came out of the kitchen with his hands in his pockets and let out a long whistle and a chuckle when he saw the sight before him.
"Damn, you guzzled that down like an oversized lawnmower," Celestia lightly blushed and looked away for some reason. She didn't know what a lawnmower was, maybe it was a profession she didn't know about. To devour ponies lawns for a living. Yes, very nice.
Anon smiled as he walked back into the kitchen and returned with a wet cloth in his hand. He lowered to a knee and slipped a hand under Celestia's chin and turned her head to face his, raising the wet cloth to wipe away at Celestia's chocolate-covered muzzle. Celestia's face heated up slightly from the closeness of his face and hers as she adverted her eyes elsewhere. They were practically inches away from each other. Anon didn't seem fazed from their proximity. Until there was a small flash of light above them and they looked up. To their horror was a certain green plant with red berries hanging above them. And the sound of Discord sniggering in the background.
Anon sighed, shaking his head and went back to cleaning, "Just ignore him," He looked back down at Celestia who was in deep thought, "Lemme wipe these last few stains from your muzzle and we'll―" He was interrupted as Celestia moved forward and he felt the warm feeling of lips on his own. His eyes widened for a second in confusion and shock before he relaxed and closed them and decided to go with it, returning the kiss and caressed her cheek with a hand, feeling the soft warm fur glide across his fingers. It's not every day you could smooch a princess and Anon's been around ponies for a while so why not. A certain draconequus had stopped his muffled laughs with his jaw on the floor, literally as he did not expect this to happen. Discord picked his jaw up and made a sickened face, sticking his snake tongue out in disgust and decided that it was getting way too heated for him and poofed silently away to go break somepony else's windows.
Anon and Celestia parted from the intimate moment and opened their eyes, staring into each other. Celestia's eyes widened as her face went redder than before, realising what she had done and quickly looked away, "Oh, I um, I-I don't know what came over me. I'm very sorry, i-it's tradition to kiss under the...uh," Celestia lowered her burning face into her hooves in embarrassment. She really did not know what happened, it went from licking a plate to her pressing her lips on Anon's. Maybe it was because she never got the chance to kiss anypony under the mistletoe in a millennium because of her current social status. Oh, why did I do that?! What if he's angry? What if Anon knocks me out again? Celestia wasn't a fan of being knocked out.
Anon smiled warmly and lifted her head up, lightly caressing her rosy cheek, "It's alright Celestia, I liked it anyway. You taste like chocolate," Celestia sheepishly returned the smile. Welp, Anon is now probably the closest thing to a horse-fucker by now if he wasn't one before but he didn't care at the moment, "How about another slice of cake for that? You were pretty good," She grinned and nodded. Anon stood up but before he could head for the kitchen there was a knock on the door. Anon furrowed his brow. Who could be coming here in the middle of a goddamn blizzard?
He walked over to the door and opened it. A certain beige colored pony was outside wearing thick winter clothing, "Oh hey Bon Bon! What are you doing out here in the cold?"
Bon Bon looked worried, "I came to tell you something urgent. Remember that you have a princess tied up in your house?"
Anon nodded, "Well, it isn't hard to miss her..." He stepped to the side allowing Bon Bon to view the princess laying on the floor, "...and she's not tied up anymore."
Celestia glared at him,"Are you calling me fat?" She scowled.
"What? No, I'm clearly complimenting the plump size of your flank," Anon said casually and squeezed the air to emphasize how squeezable it is. Celestia and Bon Bon blushed. Yep, Anon is now officially hitting on horses. One hundred percent horse-banger right here.
Bon Bon coughed into a hoof, "Well, back to what I was gonna say, I came to tell you that Princess Luna is searching for Princess Celestia. She's worried and thinks that somepony has captured her."
Celestia had stopped blushing and became serious as she stood up and trotted over next to Anon who was currently thinking about relocating to that one Hilter town that has a fetish for equal signs and enslaved Twilight and her friends, "Have you told anypony of my location?" Celestia asked.
"No, not yet. What kind of friend would I be if I gave away my friend's location and get him sent to the dungeons?"
Anon patted her head, "Thanks for not selling me out," Bon Bon smiled, "Anyway, you want to join us? We're having hot cocoa I'm making soon and some cake."
Bon Bon tilted her head, confused, "Are you...not worried that Princess Luna could probably lock you up forever or...kill you?"
Anon shook his head, "Nah, I've got too much on my head. Especially after," He pointed with a thumb backward towards the ceiling, "That," Bon Bon looked up and noticed the green plant.
Bon Bon's face contorted in confusion until she put two and two together and her jaw dropped. Her eyes darted from Anon and Celestia, "Y-you..." She pointed at Anon with a hoof, "And you..." Then at Celestia.
"Yeah...we just kissed under the horrifying parasitic plant. Is something wrong?" Anon asked as if he were genuinely confused.
Celestia slightly blushed, now a pony knows what she had done. Thank heavens that this pony can keep a secret. She thought. Silently hoping that Bon Bon will actually keep this between the three of them.
"Is something wrong..." She repeated, shaking her head and hold a hoof to her forehead, "I will never get how you work..."
"Don't worry, I don't either," Anon said, "So, you comin' or what?"
"Sure," She said happily as she entered the household and took off the winter clothes.
And so they all got drunk on hot cocoa, temporarily received diabetes from cake and unknowingly slept together on the couch. Discord was eventually captured by Princess Luna due to his property damage spree which exclusively consisted of broken windows.
