LIKE, AN ENTIRE BAG OF THEM
“Come on, don’t be afraid!”
Twilight Sparkle stood in the glaring sunlight, beckoning towards a nearby alley on Ponyville’s always-busy Mane Street. Something in the shadows shrank back further into the gloom.
“I’m not ready,” came a shaky voice. “Can—can we do this tomorrow?”
Twilight chuckled and shook her head. “Nope! There’s no time like the present.” Her horn lit up. “Now come on out and let’s make some friends!” The spell snagged something, then pulled hard. The concealed figure yelped.
“No, waitwaitwait—” Dragged by the tail, the protesting Starlight Glimmer slid out on her belly into the sunlight, where she blinked sheepishly. “I’m not ready!” A few passersby glanced over before immediately averting their eyes. Starlight wailed, trying to claw her way back into the alley. “Everypony’s staring at me!”
“No, they aren’t,” Twilight said. She hefted her charge upright. “Starlight, take it easy. Everything’s going to be alright.”
Starlight whimpered, eyes darting through the crowd. “What if they hate me? What if they think I’m a no good pony who doesn’t deserve friends?” She shrunk down. “What if they’re right?”
“They aren’t.” Twilight put a wing around Starlight and led her away from the alley, in the direction of the Ponyville Market. “Of course what you did was wrong, but everyone does things they regret. Besides, I doubt anypony here even has a clue about your past.” By now, she had this lecture down to a T. “What’s important is how we move forward from our mistakes and become better ponies in the end.
“Do you mean that?”
Twilight fought the urge to roll her eyes. “I meant it the last six times I said it, so what do you think?”
“I’m—” A sigh slipped past Starlight’s lips as her shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. This whole thing, I just don’t know what to think, how to act. And here you are trying your hardest to help.”
“You’ve been here for one day,” Twilight said. The crowds grew thicker and thicker around them as they went. “Good friendships don’t just appear overnight, you know. Give it some time, and you’ll have friends everywhere. Just take a deep breath. Try to calm down.”
Starlight inhaled and held it for five seconds before letting it out. “Yes. Calm down. I can do that.”
“Now,” Twilight said brightly, “have you ever heard of the Five F’s of Friendship?”
“The what now?” Starlight blinked.
“The Five F’s of Friendship: fraternity, family, fundamentals, fluoride, and friendship.”
Starlight narrowed her eyes. “You made those up.”
“What?” Twilight gave a shaky laugh. “N-no I didn’t.”
“You totally did,” Starlight said.
“No, I didn’t!”
“Okay, then what does fluoride have to do with friendship?”
Twilight’s brow furrowed. “Well, uh—you know how good friends need to have, um, healthy teeth?” Starlight snorted, earning herself a scowl. “Okay, fine—you caught me. I didn’t have time to come up with a lesson plan. I’d like to see you think up five friendship words that start with f.”
“Fun,” Starlight said without pause. “Feelings, fairness, fellowship, fortitude.”
“I—” Twilight’s mouth snapped shut for a moment, then she muttered, “Dang, that’s good.”
The sounds from the square ahead grew louder. Starlight chuckled. “Maybe I should be the Princess of Friendship.”
Whatever Twilight said in response was caught up in the sounds of Ponyville’s market—it sounded suspiciously like “the princess of banishing smart-aleck unicorns”—as they crossed into the bustling square, still thick with the morning crowd. A large ring of canopied stalls circled the square, with the rest of the tables and carts scattered about inside. Voices from shoppers haggling over prices mixed with those of the vendors calling out their wares, making for a heavy blanket of noise that prevented Starlight from even hearing herself.
“I can’t hear you!” she yelled at Twilight, who glanced at her, then shrugged and pointed at her own ear. “I can’t hear you!”
Starlight groaned. Bodies pressed in from all sides, jostling her and Twilight. That cool, dark alleyway was looking nicer and nicer by the second. She had just started to put together a plan to escape when someone slammed into her from behind, sending her falling onto her face.
“Hey!” she said as she pushed herself back up and spun around. Everything around them got quiet for a moment. “Watch it!”
“Are you alright?” Twilight asked.
A brown-coated earth pony stallion stood before Starlight, wearing a sheepish grin. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Although long bangs covered his eyes, she still could see the surprise that crossed his face. “I know you!”
Before Starlight could respond, she felt a hoof on her back. Her body was suddenly drawn upwards and downwards at the exact same time; all of the noise from the market faded away. A moment later she felt like someone reinflated her, and as her sight and hearing returned she found herself standing behind a row of stalls. Buildings loomed on either side, covering the area in shade. Her stomach lurched from the surprise teleportation.
“What was I thinking?” Twilight said, smacking herself on the forehead. “The market is an awful place to talk to other ponies.”
“You think next time you do that, you could tell me first?” The stallion’s shock played through Starlight’s mind. She had never seen him before—at least, she didn’t think so. Maybe he had mistaken her for someone else?
“We should try again somewhere else.” Twilight glanced around. “Sugarcube Corner? That would probably work.”
As Starlight opened her mouth to ask if they could walk instead of teleport, someone else’s voice cut in. “Hey! What’s your problem?” Both she and Twilight glanced over to find the stallion from before stomping over. Starlight took a step back, ears lying flat.
“Hi there, um… Roundabout, right?” Twilight gave him a wave, but he stomped right past her and glared at Starlight.
“First you knock me over in the market, and then you go ‘poof’ and run away without even saying sorry?” With a swift motion, he used a hoof to brush the hair out of his eyes. “You got something to say to me?”
“Well,” Starlight said slowly, “I think you bumped into me, but I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
“Very good, Starlight!” Twilight beamed at her.
“And, um—” Starlight reached up to play with a strand of her mane. “If… if you want, maybe I can treat you to a snack as an apology?”
“Very good!”
“You’re the last pony I want to spend time with,” Roundabout snapped, wiping the smile from Starlight’s face before it even had a chance to spread. “I thought I recognized your face, and I do, Starlight Glimmer. Like I’d ever forget that name.”
Starlight winced. “Have we met?”
“Oh, we haven’t met.” The hair slid back over his narrowed eyes, but Starlight could still feel them burning from behind his bangs. “It was my brother who you abducted with all that talk of—and I quote—‘a little paradise all of your own, where everypony could live happily, side-by-side.’ ”
“Ah.”
Twilight walked up to Starlight’s side. “What’s he talking about?”
“Yeah, what am I talking about?” Roundabout said.
“Well, um…” Starlight toyed with a strand of her mane. “In order to found a town, I first had to find enough ponies to live there, so I might have done a little bit of recruiting beforehoof.”
Roundabout let out a humorless snort. “A little, she says. She sweet-talked ten ponies from my village into going with her, including my brother. We didn’t hear a word from him for years. I thought he was dead until a few weeks ago when I get a letter in the mail from him, saying that he was brainwashed and enslaved by the crazy mare who abducted him in the first place. He said she stole his cutie mark and was abusive and cruel and the biggest jerk ever.”
Tears made Starlight’s vision watery; she let her head droop, but didn’t offer any sort of rebuttal. After a moment, Twilight cleared her throat.
“Okay, there’s no need to be nasty,” she said. “Starlight knows what she did and has changed for—” A hoof over her mouth cut her off.
“It’s okay. I deserve this.” Starlight lowered her hoof and nodded to Roundabout, who sneered back.
“Well look at you, acting all brave like a hero.” He walked a slow circle around her. “I don’t know why they let you walk around free like this, after what you did.”
“Me neither,” Starlight said.
“You should be rotting in a dungeon somewhere.”
“I should.”
Twilight raised a hoof. “Now hold on one—”
“Please, Twilight,” Starlight said. “Don’t protect me. I want to face the consequences of my crimes.”
“Would you stop that?” Roundabout stomped hard, which was less than impressive considering they were standing in grass. “Stop acting like you matter. You aren’t a normal pony like the rest of us. You’re a crazy, psychotic witch. You belong in a jail cell or an insane asylum, not out with everypony else.” He wiggled his cutie mark, a merry-go-round, in her face. “You took my brother’s cutie mark. You wanna take mine, too, while you’re at it?”
“Well, no—”
“What kind of evil harpy steals cutie marks, anyway?” he went on. “What were you even thinking? Did you kick puppies and drown kittens in your free time?”
“No, I never did—”
“You’re probably one of the cruelest ponies ever. When Nightmare Moon was a filly, she had your posters on her wall so that she would grow up to be just like you.”
“I didn’t—”
“And how did you even get ponies to follow you, anyway? You aren’t the most impressive looking leader. Kinda little, and that shade of purple is really pathetic.”
As the barrage went on, Starlight’s head sank lower and lower. Each blow was like a boulder being laid upon her back, one after another. She saw Twilight staring at her.
“And by the way,” Roundabout said, “your mane? What’s up with those bangs? Fifty years ago called—they want their style back.”
Starlight glanced up. “Um—well, I actually kind of like my mane.”
“Because you’re clearly sane enough to know,” he said.
“My mother styled hers like this.” Starlight lifted her mane up. “And she told me mine was really pretty.”
“Then she was as stupid as you are evil.”
“Please don’t say that,” Starlight asked.
“That she’s stupid?” Roundabout said. “She’s a moron, and she raised a moron.”
“Okay, you can insult me, but please leave my mother out of this,” Starlight said.
Twilight nodded her approval, but any accomplishment Starlight felt was quickly wiped away when Roundabout spoke. “Why should I? You didn’t leave my brother out of it, so I think family’s fair game. I bet if he was here right now he’d have a lot more to say than I do.”
“I doubt that,” Starlight muttered.
Roundabout’s eyes narrowed. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I’m the one who did wrong, so I’m the one who should take the heat. My mother’s innocent.”
“An innocent idiot, maybe.”
“I said don’t do that.” Her eyelid twitched.
“I’ll do whatever I want,” he said, “and if I want to make fun of a filly diddler, I will.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Starlight said with a bit of edge to her voice.
Roundabout squared his shoulders. “It means your mom’s a whore.”
Twilight gasped. Instant silence fell over the small area, with only the distant sounds of the market breaking through it. A few nearby birds took wing almost as though they could feel the tension that filled the air.
“I’m sorry,” Starlight said sweetly, straightening up. “Could you repeat that?”
Twilight put a hoof on her back. “Remember the Five F’s,” she said so only Starlight could hear. “This is a good chance for you to make a new friend.”
“Right,” Starlight said, teeth clenched together. “But before that, could you please repeat what you said?”
“What part of ‘your mom’s a whore’ didn’t you get?” Roundabout stepped forward. “Do you need me to spell it out to you? D-U-M-B-W-H-O-R—”
“Okay, that is it.” Starlight butted her forehead against his. “You can say whatever you want about me, but my mommy’s off limits. She worked hard for my family and I won’t just let a little toad like you talk about her like this.”
“Starlight, the Five F’s!” Twilight said. “Fundamentals! Or, uh, fraternity! Treat him like your brother, not an enemy!”
Roundabout pushed hard, only to be shoved back. “Yeah, Starlight, don’t treat me like an enemy. What would mommy say?”
“Would you stop that?” Starlight shouted.
“What were the other ones?” Twilight’s eyes darted around frantically. “Uh—uh—fusillade? Fishsticks?” She rubbed her forehead. “Calm down, everypony, and I’m sure we can resolve this. Friskiness? Was friskiness one?”
“Okay, I’m done with this,” Starlight snapped, stepping back. Her chest heaved with every breath. “I need to go before I have an aneurysm.” She turned and stomped away.
“Yeah, go ahead and run!” Roundabout called after her.
Twilight galloped to catch up. “I’m proud of you for walking away,” she said, “but you probably could have handled that a little better.”
“Did you hear what he said to me?” Starlight said.
“Well, yes, I was there when it happ—”
Roundabout’s voice floated over their shoulders. “And don’t come back, lame-mane!”
“Oh you can just go eat the biggest dick!” Starlight yelled back. “Like, the biggest bag of the biggest dicks that you can find!”
“Eating dicks?” he called. “I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about your mom!”
Starlight spun on her back-hooves. “That is it!” A nimbus of energy crackled around her horn. “I have had it with you!”
“Friendship!” Twilight shook Starlight. “Just think about friendship!”
A bolt of energy lanced forth towards Roundabout. “Oh, ponyfea—” he managed to say before it struck him, and a moment later he was gone. Four tiny flames in the grass marked where his hooves had been just seconds before.
“Ha!” Starlight said, grinning wickedly.
Twilight’s eyes were so wide they looked like they were about to pop out of her head. “That wasn’t friendship! That—that wasn’t friendship at all!”
“Yes it was,” Starlight said. “It’s a special kind of friendship I just invented right now, called ‘I hate you and you suck so go away’. Er, friendship.”
“Starlight, that’s the exact opposite of friendship.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a work in progress.” Starlight ran a hoof through her mane. “I’m still working out some of the kinks.”
“Where did you send him?" Twilight asked.
"You know, I wonder about that—"
"Where did you send him?" Her nostrils flared.
Starlight glanced at Twilight sidelong, then shrugged. "I didn't send him anywhere."
"Don't lie to me,” Twilight said. “I saw him disappear right in front of my—" She stopped and blinked. She blinked again. "No. No, you didn't. You can't have." Although Starlight held both hooves in front of her face, they couldn’t hide the glee spread all over it. "Please say that you didn't."
"I totally did."
Twilight grabbed her by the shoulders and whipped her back and forth. "Where did you even learn to do that? And why would you do that? I mean, I was telling you to try to think about friendship the entire time! I even talked about the Five F’s of Friendship! That was ten minutes ago!"
“I’ll eff your friendsh—” Starlight began, pulling away.
“Not the time, Starlight.” Twilight trotted to where Roundabout had vanished and glanced down. The smell of burning grass made her nose scrunch. “Fix this.”
Starlight sat down. “Why?”
“Because fix this.”
“Because why?”
Twilight spun around, eyes blazing. “Because feathered friendship, that’s why! Now fix this or so help me I will start to actually get angry with you!”
“That’s just too bad, because even if I wanted to—and I don’t—I can’t.” Starlight crossed her forelegs.
“What do you mean, ‘you can’t’?”
“I mean I can’t,” Starlight said with a shrug. “I don’t know how to undo that spell.”
“You cast a spell without knowing the proper counter-magic to reverse it?” Twilight yanked her own mane so hard it felt like it was going to pull out. “Do you know how unethical that is?”
Starlight lifted an eyebrow. “Isn’t that literally how you became a princess?”
“That’s not the point, and you know it! Can’t you just come up with a reversal spell?”
“Who do you think I am? Marigold the Marked?” Starlight rolled her eyes. “I can’t just whip up a brand new spell in thirty seconds. I probably can’t do it in thirty days.”
Twilight let out an explosive sigh. “Then we’re going to whenever you sent him and bringing him back. Now, what time did you send him to?” After a moment with no answer, she spun on the other mare. “Starlight. What. Time?”
“So, um, about that,” Starlight said slowly. “I maybe sorta kinda have no idea when that might be.”
“Great." Twilight stomped a few steps away. "Just great.”
Starlight’s ears drooped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your first lesson.”
“It’s not me you should be worried about,” Twilight said. “It’s poor, innocent Roundabout.”
“Why? Did you hear the things he said? He needs friendship lessons as much as I do.”
“That’s not the point,” Twilight said. She sighed, walking back over. “Part of being a good friend is treating ponies nicely, even if they aren’t the nicest. That’s one of the reasons you’re able to be here right now.” One of her hooves came to rest on Starlight's shoulder. “And you’re pretty happy about that, right?”
Starlight let her head drop. “Yes. Yes, I am glad. And instead of being nice to that jer—to Roundabout, I treated him just like you could have treated me.” She sighed. “I guess I’m just a hypocrite.”
“Try to stay positive.” With Twilight guiding the way, they started in the general direction of the castle. “As long as you learned something, this ordeal wasn’t an entire waste. Now let’s go figure out how to find our lost stallion.”
“At least we get to have fun studying together,” Starlight said meekly.
“I refuse to be happy about thi—”
“Ladies!” A voice from behind brought them to a halt. Back at the stalls, a white-coated earth pony squeezed his way through to trot towards them. “Hold up a moment!”
“Do you know him?” Starlight asked.
“That’s Tick Tack.” Twilight’s ears drooped. “Roundabout’s father.”
“Ladies.” Panting, he came to a halt before them. A large wooden barrel cutie-mark was stamped on his trembling thighs. “Are you the two mares who met my son?”
“Tick Tack. Sir. I’m—I’m so sorry,” Twilight said. “It was my fault. There was an accident, and—and—”
“He got sent into the past, right?”
“—and he was sent into the past.” After a moment, Twilight fell back a step. “Wait, what did you say?”
Tick Tack gave her a warm smile. “It’s okay. I already know what happened.”
“You do?” Starlight asked, glancing at her speechless friend.
“Yes.” He turned his grin on her. “Roundabout is alive today, and is very happy with his life. After you, Starlight Glimmer, sent him back in time, he met the love of his life. Without you, that would have never happened, and Roundabout wouldn’t be nearly as content. He’s so grateful, he wanted me to come here and thank you from the bottom of his heart.”
Twilight frowned. “Why didn’t he come here himself?”
“Well, he was, um, busy,” Tick Tack said. “Important things to do.”
Starlight’s eyes were fixed on Tick Tack’s cutie mark. After a long moment, she cleared her throat. “I’m more curious as to why you have a fake cutie mark.”
“Fake?” He followed her gaze to his mark, then gasped. “My cutie mark?”
“That’s what I said.”
Twilight leaned in for a closer look. “It looks real to me,” she said. “How can you tell it’s a fake?” When she looked back and saw Starlight glaring at her, she let out a nervous giggle. “Right. Sorry.”
“You’re wearing a patch over your real cutie mark,” Starlight said, letting her gaze linger on Twilight for a second. “On both sides. What are you hiding?”
“Well, I—” he began.
“Starlight!” Twilight pushed between them. “If he wants to hide his cutie mark, that’s his business.”
Tick Tack laid a hoof on her shoulder. “No no, it’s alright, Princess. I debated earlier whether or not I should tell you the truth. Now that you’ve found me out…” He reached back and peeled off the patch of fur to reveal a spot of brown coat underneath.
A brown coat upon which was stamped a merry-go-round.
“That’s Roundabout’s cutie mark,” Twilight said in a faint voice. “Which means—”
“Yes.” He beamed at them both. “I’m Roundabout.”
Starlight’s back stiffened. “Oh. You.”
“Yes, me!” Roundabout cheered. “You can’t know how thankful I am! My life was so dull, so empty when I met you! I bullied other ponies to fill the void in my heart, but it was a dreadful existence. Then, I met her.”
“I’m so glad for you,” Starlight said flatly.
“So…” Twilight scratched her chin. “That story about being Roundabout’s father was fake because you’re Roundabout.”
“Well, not quite,” he said.
Starlight’s head snapped up. “What?”
“As you know, I met the love of my life all those years ago, right after I arrived in the past.” He laid a hoof on his chest and sighed. “I didn’t know at the time, but she was the mare who would eventually become my mother.”
“What?” Twilight and Starlight said in unison. Starlight added, “How could you not know that right away?”
Roundabout chuckled. “You know what they say about love being blind.”
“More like gro—” Starlight cut herself off and looked at her friend. “Twilight, as somepony who is trying to practice good friendship, am I allowed to find this story gross?”
“Yes,” Twilight said, blank eyes staring into the distance. “Yes, sure.”
“Ew. Gross.”
“Now hold on a second.” Roundabout took a step back, eyes darting between the two of them. “I know that it’s an unconventional relationship, but—”
“So you are your own dad,” Starlight said with a snort.
He crossed his forelegs over his chest. “Yes I am, and proud of it.”
“And despite knowing what would happen to your other son—you know, the one I brainwashed and you got all angry over before,” she went on, “you just kind of, what—let it happen?”
“I gave him a cryptic warning, but it turns out the colt’s not very bright.” Roundabout shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t want to do anything to interfere with history.” A cruel grin spread over his muzzle. “Right, Starlight?”
Starlight’s eyes narrowed. “What’re you getting at?”
“Don’t pretend like you don’t know,” he said, sneering. “I’ve heard the rumors of you messing with history and nearly getting everypony killed. Nopony else actually believes them, but I know just how evil you are. I know the things you’re capable of.” He towered over her. “What you did to me might have worked out in the end, but nopony believes for a second that you did it for anything other than your own selfish wants.”
“I wouldn’t count marrying your mother and making foals with her as ‘working out’.” Starlight poked Twilight in the ribs. “Right, Twilight?”
Twilight blinked a few times before answering. “No. Oh, sweet Celestia, no.”
“And she would know,” Starlight said. “She’s been to at least three different dimensions, where things were crazy.”
“There isn’t enough friendship in the world to make this right.”
“Okay, you know what?” Roundabout bellowed. “Our love is beautiful. You suck.”
Starlight snorted. “I’d ask you if you kiss your mother with that mouth, but we already know the answer to that.”
“Why don’t you go play in traffic?” he snapped.
“Oh, so when it’s my mother, anything goes, but yours is off limits?” She squared her shoulders.
He faced her head-on. “Maybe because my mother didn’t raise a heartless, brainless, cruel, ugly harpy.”
"So do you enjoy being in a perpetual cycle of inbreeding?" Their foreheads crashed together.
"Dunno,” Roundabout snarled. “Do you enjoy being a petulant mare-child?"
"Probably not as much as you like it when mommy sucks on your tongue," Starlight shot back.
"At least I never caused the collective death of ponykind."
"You definitely caused the death of your little corner of the gene pool."
Twilight gently pushed Starlight away. “Alright, that’s enough,” she said. “Let’s just… go home, okay? We’ll try this again tomorrow.”
"But he—” Nostrils flaring, Starlight dry-swallowed. “I have never met such an infuriating pony in my life!”
“You know,” Roundabout said, “my wife—”
“You mean your mommy?” Starlight cut in.
“My wife had your manestyle twenty years ago, and it looked just as dumb then as it does now. And old.” He grinned at her. “And dumb.”
“Take it easy, Starlight,” Twilight said under her breath. “This is your chance to show how far you’ve come.”
“Yeah, Starlight,” Roundabout shouted. “Why don’t you show us all how good you are at ruining lives?”
Starlight’s breast heaved, but Twilight continued to push her back. “Be a good friend, even if he doesn’t deserve it.”
“Yeah, Starlight.” Roundabout’s mocking tone grated in her ears. “Be a good friend, even if you don’t deserve it.”
“Ignore it,” Twilight said.
“Ignore me, you massive turd!”
“Did you just call me a turd?” Starlight yelled, struggling to get at Roundabout.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Starlight, take it easy. Practice good friendship.”
“No, I called you a massive turd.” Roundabout grinned wickedly. “A massive turd with literally the ugliest mane eve—” A forked blue bolt sliced through the air over Twilight’s shoulders and engulfed him; a moment later he was swallowed in a cloud of crackling energy.
“Try surviving that this time, you pig’s anus!” Starlight crowed.
Twilight let out a feral scream. “Not! Friendship!”
“I’ve had enough friendship for today.” Starlight trotted over to kick the ground where Roundabout had been. “Good riddance.”
“This—I—you—” Twilight sputtered as a vein on her forehead twitched. “I don’t have the energy to deal with this anymore.”
Starlight patted her shoulder. “Look, Twilight, I know I’m not the nicest pony, but I’m going to do my best to learn. I’ll help find exactly when I sent him to the first time, and then I’ll bring him back safe and sound. I promise.”
“Really?” Twilight lifted her head to give Starlight a miserable look. “You promise?”
“I promise,” Starlight said with a nod. Then, she spun on her hind legs and pranced away. “Just not right now.”
Twilight sighed. “And where do you think you’re going now?”
“I’m going to Rarity’s,” Starlight called back.
“Maybe I should just go back in time to this morning and light my castle on fire,” Twilight muttered. “Then I’d spend all day putting it out instead of living through this nightmare.” She raised her weary voice. “What do you need Rarity for?”
“So she can restyle my mane before that jerk comes back as his own grandpa to insult me some more.”