WHY!?
"Here you go, miss Bells!" I sang happily at the face of Ponyville's resident fashionista. "Just sign here, and I'll be on my way!"
"Yes, yes, of course," Rarity muttered, hastily scribbling her signature, barely acknowledging my presence. As soon as she was done, she grabbed the unremarkable box that I had delivered to her, turned the 'Open' sign over to 'Closed', and promptly shut the door. Immediately after, I heard a click, indicating that Rarity had locked the door.
"Huh. Weird," I muttered to myself as I lazily took off from the ground. Rarity usually behaved in a much more refined manner, but maybe she really, really wanted whatever was in the box. I mentally shrugged, and started flying away from the Carousel Boutique.
"Next is-"
I stopped. I felt them die. Heard their cries for help, only to be silenced forever by a horrific monster. I was afraid, but I couldn't let that stop me from saving those poor bubbles from an awful fate. My cutie mark was about bubbles, for Celestia's sake!
I made my decision. Gathering all my courage, I hovered above the skylight of the boutique, tucked my wings in, lifted my forehooves skywards, then dropped like a stone.
CRASH!
I went through the skylight, unfurled my wings, and landed on the ground, glaring as best I could against the bubble killer. She looked surprised, the poor bubbles trapped on her horn, but didn't move one inch. I was determined to give her no ground, and simply locked eyes with hers.
Those cold, soulless eyes.
The bubbles drifted off her horn and floated slowly to the ground. Keeping my attention split between them and the killer, I growled:
“Step away from the bubbles.”
Rarity focused her attention on me, licking her lips. “Ah, well, I wasn't trying to–”
I cut her off: “Step away from the bubbles." Couldn't let her get an edge.
The bubble killer's face assumed it's true form, changing from sweet and soft to cold and hard, like those eyes of hers. She could never fool me though, not for an instant.
"No."
I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyes. I had to work myself into a rage; otherwise my fear would overcome me. I breathed in and out, my vision slowly focusing on Rarity and Rarity only. A faint breeze wafted through the shattered skylight, rustling both our manes.
The bubble killer's face contorted in fury, crouching and lowering her horn in my direction. I paled when I realized that if she was couldn't have these bubbles, she would have my bubbles. Still, I stood my ground, refusing to give an inch.
"Rarity, give me the bubbles." I tried again, though I knew she would never acquiesce.
"They're mine!" she snarled, shaking her mane out of her face.
“They don't belong to anypony. You can't own bubbles!” I answered her angrily.
Rarity didn't answer me, moving the bubbles under her bed with her hoof.
“Rarity, please!” I pleaded, hoping I could change her mind.
“Make me.” She uttered with absolute contempt.
"With pleasure". My expression hardened, and I let out a mighty HIYAAAAAAAAH!, aiming a kick towards the killer's face. Her eyes widened, and she dodged at the last second, my kick hitting her bed instead, splintering it with a large CRACK! Woodchips flew everywhere.
"W-Wait Derpy, stop! You don't have to do this!" she shouted behind me as I struggled to free my hoof from the wreckage.
"Too late!" I roared, yanking myself free, and turning towards her. "I must end you, bubble killer!"
"Bubble kill-ACK!" she screamed as I tackled her, the two of us tumbling head over hoof until I hit a wall. Slightly dazed, I rose to my hooves, dodging a few gems surrounded by a blue aura.
"Okay, that's it, I'm out of here!" the bubble killer yelled, and she rapidly made her escape, taking the gems with her. I shook my head and flew after after her. I wasn't going to let her get away from me!
"I can't believe I let her get away from me!" I groused as I flew over the streets of Ponyville. Rarity had managed to hide from me initially, and I was paying the price for not keeping up. I couldn't find her, not anywhere!
"Maybe I should have agreed to help Pinkie Pie after all," I grumbled as I passed by the Ponyville Library. Where could she b-oh there she was!
"Think you're going to get Twilight to protect you, huh?" I muttered under my breath, watching the white unicorn below me run towards the hollowed out tree. "Sorry, but your days of bubble killing are over!"
I flew into position, and dove at her at a sharp angle, yelling, "JUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!"
Rarity glanced behind her, noticed me coming. She ran up to the wall of the library, and starting cutting through it with her gems. As if she could escape me in time!
"Take this, fiend!" I shouted, twisting at the last moment and kicking out at her torso with my hind hooves. Rarity crashed into the library, breaking through the wall and kicking up a cloud of sawdust. I sped through the hole, and I dove towards her prone form, looking to finally finish Rarity off.
But that sneaky little unicorn! She clipped my jaw with her hind hooves, and I went flying backwards, crashing into a wall and kicking up some more sawdust.
"Ooooh..." I groaned, picking myself up off the ground, my eyes spinning round and round. Man, I was going to feel that in the morning! Wait, it was still morning! Drat!
"Rrrrrrrrarrrrrrrrrrrrityyyyyyy," I growled, , making my way back into the library. "Just give it up!"
"You can't escape me!" I continued, looking around the empty room. "You will...surrender...wait..."
I surveyed the room in dismay. Rarity had vanished! Where could she be hiding?
"NOW!" Somepony shouted behind me. Confused, I turned around towards the noise, only to watch a net suddenly envelope me!
"Argh! What is this witchery!" I shouted, trying to disentangle myself from the net, but to no avail. The ropes suddenly started to constrict me, and I soon found myself immobile, though I struggled mightily against my bonds. Out of the corner of my eye, Rarity and Twilight suddenly became visible.
"Listen, Derpy, I don't know what you did to upset Rarity, but it has to stop!" Twilight lectured me. "You also can't go around destroying other ponies' property!"
"I must make the bubble killer pay!" I spat, still trying to escape.
"Bubble...killer...?" Twilight echoed. She looked at Rarity. "Do you know what she's talking about?"
"N-No! Absolutely n-no clue!" she stuttered.
"Liar! You know what you did!"
Twilight returned her gaze to the white unicorn, who was starting to sweat quite a bit
"Rarity-"
"Alright Twilight!" she burst out, looking left and right to make sure that nopony else was around. "This reaches noponys' ears. I...I like to..pop bubble wrap with my horn!"
She said the last bit quite fast, looking rather guilty.
"I-It's just so satisfying,! A-And stress-relieving! I just can't help myself!"
"Murderer!" I yelled. "You've been ending the lives of those poor bubbles for far too long!"
"I'm sorry, but since when does popping bubbles constitute murder!?" Rarity shouted back.
Twilight blinked, then facehooved. "Ugh, I am NOT up to dealing with this today! Listen, Derpy, if Rarity promises to never pop bubbles again, will you stop your, er, pursuit of justice?"
She gave Rarity a Look, who cringed and, after a few seconds, muttered a dull 'yes'. The purple unicorn turned to me, expecting a similar answer.
"No! The bubbles must be avenged!"
"Greeeaaat," Twilight groaned.
"Twilight, remember what happened that time?" Rarity whispered to Twilight. "You know, with the lasers and everything? Maybe you could get Pinkie Pie to whip up a batch of muffins to calm her down?"
My ears perked up. They were going to try to bribe me with muffins!? That wasn't FAIR! They couldn't do that! That was cheating!
Wait! I still had that thing! My trump card. The one thing that could turn this all around!
I bit my lip. I didn't want to have to use it, but I didn't see any other choice. I couldn't let the most delicious food in existence be used against me!
"W-Wait!" I coughed. "Can you at least grant a mare her dying wish?"
Twilight goggled at me. "What are you talking about!?"
"The muffin," I rasped, "in my left saddlebag. I...want to eat it before you send me to Tartarus."
Twilight's mouth gaped open like a fish.
"Dear, aren't you being a little...melodramatic?" Rarity asked me, a little perturbed.
Eventually, after some more fake coughing and wheezing, they held whispered discussion amongst themselves. After what seemed like an eternity, Rarity strode forward.
"Derpy, I'll get you your muffin, but you can stop with the 'last meal' act," Rarity deadpanned as she retrieved a brown, blueberry muffin from my left saddlebag and set it down in front of me. "Now, er, you can eat."
"Yay!" I fake cheered. Without delay, I took a big bite out of the muffin, then immediately spat it out! Blech! That was gross! Then again, that muffin wasn't meant for eating.
"W-What was that for?" the unicorn looked shocked. Well, for me to spit out a muffin would normally be sacrilege, so I couldn't blame her.
"You'll see," I smiled in the most evil manner I could manage. Rarity and Twilight looked very disconcerted at the expression on my face. As they well should. For the partially eaten muffin had begun to emit a bright light and a low hum.
"You've lost! I've got you now!" I crowed. Twilight seemed shocked beyond belief at the glowing muffin, and immediately started casting spells. A bunch of shimmering purple domes, each smaller than the other surrounded the muffin, which grew brighter and louder every second.
"SPIKE! WHERE ARE YOU!" Twilight screamed for her assistant dragon.
"Derpy, what did you do!?" Rarity yelled, all sense of propriety forgotten
"The only thing I CAN do!" I screamed back.
"It's not worth blowing up all of Ponyville! For what!? Some stupid bubbles!?"
That stopped me short. "Pinkie didn't say anything about blowing up Ponyville!" I hollered back to Rarity.
"That's right! It's not going to blow up Ponyville!" a cheerful voice sprang out of nowhere. All three of us looked around and saw Pinkie Pie sitting on a recliner, wearing a pair of sunglasses and holding a huge tub of popcorn.
"Pinkie Pie!? What are you doing here!?" Rarity yelled.
"I'm just here for the show!" Pinkie said nonchalantly, taking a hoofful of popcorn and flinging it into her mouth.
"For Celestia's sake, get up and fix this!"
"Aww, but I want to see it go boom! Besides, Ponyville won't be destroyed! At least, I don't think so!"
"YOU DON'T THINK SO!? THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH PINKIE!"
The muffin grew ever brighter and brighter, the humming louder and louder. I closed my eyes.
There was a loud boom.
Everything became white.
Then everything turned black.
I awoke slowly, surrounded by a sea of brown.
"Ugh, my head," I moaned. I tried moving my limbs, but it seemed that I was still bound. Drat.
"What happened...?" I wondered aloud. I was expecting something big to happen, and some. For filling my now clear vision was tons and tons of blueberry muffins.
"I...really wasn't expecting that," I admitted to myself. I was still bound, so there was nothing for me to do but wait for someone to rescue me. In the meantime though...
"Lunchtime!"