Apple Bloom's voice came from upstairs. "Where'd ya say it was?"
"It's in the drawer!" Scootaloo shouted back. There wasn't really any need to help her friends look, so the filly focused on the epic sandwich she was making. Her room wasn't that big, and besides she only had a few drawers...
Wait- what if they looked in THAT drawer?!
In a flash Scootaloo abandoned the half-finished and doomed sandwich, racing to her bedroom as fast as she could.
Unfortunately she wasn't Rainbow Dash, and thus she wasn't fast enough. The sight of her super-secret shame suspended by Sweetie Belle's magic greeted Scootaloo as she skidded to a stop by the door frame. As super-secret shames went, hers didn't look all that bad- or it wouldn't have, if she hadn't built up a tomboyish reputation in emulation of her idol. Flowers, hearts, and little butterflies dotted the Pinkie-pink diary, and her friends were close enough to notice that the pages were strawberry-scented.
But that was nothing compared to the content the pages held, which the other Crusaders were now consuming.
"I, um... I can explain."
"Scootaloo, are you a- what did Rarity call it?" Sweetie Belle's face scrunched up as she tried to remember the word she was trying to remember, then she smiled when it came to her. "A shipper! Are you a shipper, Scootaloo?"
"Yeah, are ya a shipper?" Apple Bloom echoed.
That was it. The game was over, the jig was up, and the truth was out. The least Scootaloo could do was own up to it "I- I can't help it. I see two ponies and I just can't stop myself from imagining how cute they'd be as a couple. I'm sorry for keeping this from you both, and I'll understand if you don't want to hang out anymore."
"But if they don't hang out with you they won't be able to go to the 'It's OK, Scootaloo, We Love You For Who You Are- Shipping and All' party I was going to throw you!"
The easily-recognizable voice had emanated from the other side of Scootaloo's open window and, sure enough, when the little pegasus looked Pinkie Pie was floating there, tied to balloons. "Pinkie? What are you doing loitering by my window?"
"Really?" Apple Bloom groaned. "Yer gonna ask that?"
"Honestly, I'd be more concerned if she wasn't conveniently in earshot," Sweetie Belle chimed in.
Scootaloo couldn't deny that. "You've got me there. Now, what were you saying about throwing me a party?"
Pinkie threw her a party.
It wasn't the greatest party Scootaloo had ever been to, though. Don't be mistaken, it was a great party- it was a Pinkie Pie Party after all, and there ain't no party like a Pinkie Pie Party. Pinkie was just a victim of her own prior success.
Or maybe Scootaloo was just uncomfortable with so many ponies knowing a certain secret...
It was hard to miss. A banner that hung overhead read 'We Love You, Shipaloo', and tiny models of boats dotted Sugar Cube Corner. 'Galleons' they were called, according to Doctor... Actually, she couldn't remember his real name, now that she thought about it. In one corner a ship battle game was currently being hogged by Ponyville's resident gamer, to the delight/irritation of the foals watching.
But worst- and most noticeable- of all was the giant fudge statue of Scootaloo, sporting an admiral's uniform, clutching a ship's wheel.
That was way too much, and was most likely the reason the party had taken a week to put together. Plus, the chocolate was affecting the taste of the soda Pinkie had decided to pair with it.
"Rookie move, Pinkie," Scootaloo muttered into the cup she was holding.
"Excuse me?"
A pony Scootaloo barely recognized trotted over. Cutie Mark was a bunch of grapes... Berry Punch? Yeah, that was her name. "Um, hi. Can I help you?"
"I certainly hope so." Ms. Punch furtively looked around, then took a swig of her drink. Her features settled into a look of determination, a fact that Scootaloo found odd. Pop didn't usually give ponies extra courage. "I... I was just wondering..."
Berry Punch's question, while unexpected, had given Scootaloo an idea. So a few days after her party she erected a stall in the town square, hung a sign that read 'Consultations- 5 bits', and waited.
She didn't have to wait long.
"Come on, this is st- um, silly. Why are we doing this?" Rainbow Dash complained as she approached.
"It's just a little harmless fun, Darling, so why not indulge her?" Rarity- for indeed Rainbow Dash had not come alone(one could even say she was being dragged against her will)- flashed a disarming smile Dash's way, then turned her attention toward Scootaloo. "Pardon me, but might you be open for business?"
Scootaloo chose to ignore her idol's reluctance and excitedly nodded. "Sure am! Five bits a pairing, satisfaction guaranteed."
"Excellent! Well, it seems to me you have your first client. Rainbow?"
Forcefully- a necessary adverb when saying things through clenched teeth- Rainbow Dash murmured, "Who would I be good with?"
Tiny supernovas detonated and wiped out the twin galaxies in Scootaloo's skull- or so any passersby would attest, so brightly did her eyes beam.
This was it! Right out of the gates, this was what she'd hoped for. A chance to flaunt her pairing prowess to the pony she wanted to impress the most. She had to think hard, she had to think fast, and she had to do both at the same time.
"Aha!" Scootaloo exclaimed suddenly, startling the mares before her after a few moments of silence. "I've got it! A deceptively simple, yet secretly complex answer. A brutishly elegant ship. For the best partner for Rainbow Dash is your, Rarity!"
"Me?!"
"Her?!
"Indeed!" Scootaloo confirmed. "Shipping science does not lie! The gentle, refined mare and the athletic, brash... other mare. It's a match made in shipping heaven!"
"Scootaloo my dear, couldn't the same reasoning apply to Applejack and I?" Rarity inquired, a slightly concerned look on her face.
Scootaloo smiled sheepishly and settled down a bit. Even she would admit she'd overdone it a little with the whole hooves raised to the sky thing. "You would think that, at first. But there's a crucial fact you're overlooking. You run a boutique. Applejack runs a farm. You're both organized and prepared individuals. Rainbow Dash is anything but."
"Making us perfect opposites." Rarity nodded, true understanding dawning on her.
"I think you two are missing something kinda important," Rainbow Dash said, trying to pull the brake lever on this particular conversation train. "Namely, the tiny fact that I'm not gay. And neither are you, Rarity!"
"So? What's wrong with being gay?" Scootaloo accused.
"Nothing, but I'm not!"
"Can't help it if she's your best match." The younger pegasus held out her money tin to the older one. "Five bits, please."
Rainbow Dash turned away, forelegs folded, in denial. "Screw that, I'm not paying for this!"
"But- But I-"
"You said 'satisfaction guaranteed'," Rainbow Dash reminded Scoots as she started floating away. "Your suggestion was awful. I'm not paying!"
Her idol disappointed and departing, Scootaloo felt her grand business crashing and burning around her- before she had even managed to put any fuel in it. Or some other, more appropriate, metaphor. She had to think of something fast. She couldn't afford a 100% disapproval rating.
The polychromatic pegasus strafed back and forth in Scootaloo's living room, impatience growing with each wingbeat. She very clearly wasn't appreciating having to stay cooped up inside on a beautiful sunny day, and indeed she had barely tolerated Scootaloo's suggestion that they move inside (away from the eyes and ears of potential customers) in the first place.
For her own part Scootaloo sat on the floor with her hind legs crossed, in a position she'd seen Zecora assume before. Many in town thought the zebra was pretty wise, the little orange pony included, and Scootaloo hoped a few scraps of that wisdom would tumble her way if she stole a move or two. Rainbow Dash was being exceptionally difficult.
Unfortunately, any incoming wisdom was being intercepted by Scootaloo's obsessing over that darn sandwich in the kitchen. She had seen it as she walked in, and accompanying the sight was a memory of feeling she was forgetting something at the party. With a twinge of embarrassment Scoots realized Rainbow Dash must've seen it as well. How could she not have thrown it away?
"Patience, Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo said, with a vaguely mystical hoofwave for added effect. "For shipping is an art, and you can not rush art. If you do, all you will receive is a rushed result. Imperfect. Lackluster. Like your previous pairing."
"'An art.' Really?" Rainbow Dash's deadpan betrayed her enduring state of unconvincedness.
Scootaloo nodded. "The truest art."
"Never really been an art fan. Guess I'll just go..."
The speedster's spoken shrug shattered any hope Scootaloo had of playing for time. "Wait, Rainbow Dash! It's Fluttershy, okay? Your best match is Fluttershy."
"Of course! An answer so obvious, it looped all the way around to being completely mysterious," Scootaloo affirmed.
Rainbow Dash just stared nonplussedly.
"Just think about how perfect it is. You've known each other for a long time- you practically grew up together! You've been protective of her since flight camp, and everypony knows protective feelings always develop into romantic ones. Like all my books say! She's sweet, and kind, and perpetually supportive of you. Doubters gonna doubt, but even the doubtiest of doubting downers couldn't deny how immensely awesome this pairing is!" Her declaration finished, Scootaloo took a bow and collapsed. Shipping could get really tiring sometimes, and that one had taken a lot out of her.
Rainbow Dash landed in front of Scootaloo and cupped her face like a mob-pony. "Scootaloo, listen to me. I absolutely have nothing against same-sex relationships, but that isn't what I want. I am not looking for a marefriend."
Scootaloo silently cursed the shipping gods for sending her such an unreasonable first client.
"Fine!" Scootaloo relented. "The best match for you is with Soarin, because he has colt parts and you have filly parts. There! Now everypony's happy!"
Rainbow Dash released her. "Soarin, huh? That sounds interesting. I'll give it a try, thanks."
As the older pegasus left her house, Scootaloo wondered where Berry Punch had gotten whatever party drink that had made her courageous enough to approach the shipper, and if she had any to spare. Scootaloo was going to need the extra bravery if more of her clients turned out like Rainbow Dash.
Little did Scootaloo know how useful that extra bravery would be, as at that moment her doom strode into town on blue legs...
Business was booming in Ponyville's market square. Well, as much as it could given the population figures.
For everypony except Scootaloo, that is.
She had to find a way to drum up business somehow. Ponies were always saying that most new companies failed in the first year. Or was that just for a certain industry? Regardless, Scootaloo wasn't going to make bank if no bits were coming in. A client, any client, was sorely needed.
Just then, she spotted the perfect potential marks- er, clients- perusing a stall across the plaza. "Vinyl! Octavia! Hey, come over here!"
The cellist heard her name and turn, swiftly spotting Scootaloo. She nudged Vinyl to get the DJ's attention and they both trotted over.
"Good morning, Scootaloo. What did you need?" Octavia asked as they completed the short journey. Vinyl just nodded.
"Oh, but it's not what I need from you," Scootaloo corrected, taking her entire bag of charm and applying thoroughly. "It's more in the line of what I can do for you."
Octavia frowned, realizing the trap an instant too late. "You're referring to your little... service, aren't you?"
"Got it in one! And ponies say musicians can't be smart. Now, today- today only, to be precise- I'm offering a special price reduction on consultations. You'd have to be crazy to not take advantage of this impressive deal." Vinyl bobbed her head, which Scootaloo chose to interpret as an affirmation. Seizing on that she continued, "Awesome! Now as a disclaimer I must remind you that, while your satisfaction is guaranteed, any attempts to disrupt and disengage during the rendering of services will nullify that guarantee."
Surrendering, Octavia simply sighed and said, "Alright, fine. Perform your little consultation."
"There you are!"
Scootaloo and Octavia, but not Vinyl, turned in the direction of the voice and saw Trixie standing there triumphantly, girded for a confrontation. But when Scootaloo looked behind her to see whom Trixie could be addressing she didn't see anypony. With a shrug, she returned her attention to the nascent consultation. "Anyway... Let's start with you, Octavia. The ultimate example of refinement in Ponyville- congratulations on beating out Rarity for that distinction, by the way- and I'm sure you've felt that fact would cause problems when it came to finding your special somepony."
"It has crossed my mind," Octavia admitted.
"Well, allow me to put that fretful mind at ease." Scootaloo hopped over her stall's counter and threw a foreleg around the cellist's shoulders. "For your special somepony has already been found."
"Trixie has heard tell of your incredible prowess and skill at entertaining ponies! A new act can not be tolerated, especially in the midst of Trixie's own comeback tour! So I challenge you, knave, to a showdown!"
Scootaloo kinda wished Trixie would take her theater practice somewhere else. It was totally messing with her rhythm. Never-the-less she pressed on. "They're white-coated, with a blue mane and tail, and a super-stylish pair of shades."
"V-Vinyl?!" Octavia blushed as she realized which pony Scootaloo was talking about. "But we're friends! And roommates!"
"Well that's two-thirds of a relationship covered," Scootaloo quipped.
"But-"
"Just listen." Scootaloo let go and held up a hoof to cut Octavia off. "You both love music, right? You get each other. That's a beautiful thing if you ask this filly. What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Trixie is impressed with your fortitude, vagabond! This day shall be conceded, but mark Trixie's words. There'll yet be a confrontation!"
Octavia looked at Vinyl, who bobbed her head again, then smiled and turned back to Scootaloo. "You're right, I'd feel worse if I never tried. Maybe this consultation was worth it after all."
She dropped the fee into Scootaloo's lockbox, and as the two mares walked away Scootaloo busted out a grin. Business was picking up.
"Ah yes, come in, come in- don't mind the mess. I'm somewhat in the middle of something."
Scootaloo hesitantly plodded into the chaotic lab/living space. Bits of bizarre technology were strewn across a few workbenches, and a bunch of beakers hung on a rack. "You know, Doctor, it's not often I make house calls. Though I guess that statement is a bit premature, what with how new my business is..."
"Indeed, and I hope you know I would never have imposed so if I wasn't incredibly busy. Here, hold this." He shoved a flask into the filly's hooves, nearly causing her to drop it, and in a flash was at a table stirring some concoction.
"Busy doing... what exactly?" She took a whiff of the murky liquid bubbling in the flask and immediately regretted it. The noxious fizz burned her nostrils, with the surviving smell-receptors urgently informing her brain of the overly foul stench that emanated from the substance. Scootaloo retched. Recovering, she continued, "If it's not too much to ask."
The Doctor waved her concerns away genially as he stopped stirring. "Not at all, my dear. With luck, and some tremendous science-ing on my part, these various oils and minerals will become Equestria's next great hair care solution." Crossing back, he recovered the flask from Scootaloo. Then he frowned. "Or an extremely efficient nerve agent. One can never really tell at this stage."
"Let's wish for the former..."
"Don't worry, Scootaloo. I do know basic chemistry. The only way that could happen is if they were combined in the wrong way, and this lab has been set up precisely to stop that from happening. Although, I have been noticing some loose screws..." A concerned look lingered on his features for a fleeting moment, before he shrugged and went on with his preparations.
A new apprehension washed over Scootaloo as she realized that, despite the Doctor's confidence, the lab seemed more unstable than she would've liked. It'd be best if she settled this quickly. "So, you wanted a consultation."
"Oh. Actually, no." He swished his tail, the tip of which brushed a jar of semi-translucent, purple liquid. It started to wobble. "Perhaps I should have been more clear in my message." The jar tipped over off the shelf. "I already have somepony I fancy." Scootaloo dove and caught it, mere inches from the floor. She sighed in relief as the Doctor turned back around. "Please don't mess around with that. It's very dangerous."
"So you'd like me to tell you how to ask her, or him, on a date?" Scootaloo gently placed the jar back where it belonged.
"Her. And yes."
"'Her'? Are you sure? I've got a few excellent pairings-"
The Doctor cut her off there. "Yes, I'm sure. No need to waste your time on that."
"Ew, het..."
"So can you help me?" he asked. "Will you?"
She patted him on the back reassuringly. "Of course, Doc. If anything, I am a professional. The client's satisfaction is my number one priority. Now, who is this dream mare?"
"It's Derpy."
"The Muffin Mare?!" Flashbacks of ravenous hunger lanced through Scootaloo's mind, the sounds of the beast still fresh.
"The very same."
Scootaloo scratched her head. This seemed like an easy problem to solve, so she didn't get why the Doctor would need her help to do so. But before she could say it, a loose shelf support gave way. The side it had been supporting dropped and knocked into a nearby bookcase. That should have been the end of it, and in most cases Scootaloo would have right in expecting so, but in this instance the Doctor had placed several knickknacks atop the bookcase- Knickknacks that toppled off at the impact. It was everything she could do to catch them all before they hit the floor, and nothing short of a mythical feat that she was able to place them on another nearby surface without the Doctor noticing.
Unfortunately, she still took too long for the Doctor's forbearance. "I knew it, this is too difficult for even your talents..."
"No, no, no- not at all! It is, in fact, the opposite. So simple a procedure that you don't even need me at all, Scootaloo proclaimed. "Though I will gladly accept the commission."
"Well then, how should I broach the subject?" the Doctor pressed as he set a full flask on a low-flame burner near the door.
"Have you ever just... said it?"
"'Said it'? You mean simply walk up to her and ask if she would like to accompany me on some sort of... date?"
"Yeah. She's clearly interested in you, what's the worst that could happen?" Scootaloo rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Well... I guess she could say 'no', and point at you, and laugh, and then everypony else could point and laugh."
"How reassuring."
"Oh, come on! You spend most days mastering science itself. Something like this should be nothing compared to that!" She fixed him with her most earnest look, a technique that had never failed her before.
Once again, it worked like a charm. The Doctor sighed in resignation. "Very well, you've convinced me. I'll ask her."
Scootaloo smiled in what would seem to an outside observer to be a congratulatory manner, though what she was actually doing was some mental banking. She reached over to-
The door flew open and Trixie stormed in, eyes darting around as if she was a hunter searching for her quarry. She jabbed a hoof at the little pegasus and shouted, "There you are! Today is the day we settle this! Trixie demands a -"
BOOM!
Scootaloo coughed as the dust and smoke from the explosion settled, and as her vision cleared she could see Trixie again. The magician was covered from head to hoof in soot, her mane shocked to the side. "Umm... Trixie? Are you okay?"
"You- ahem- you may have won this round, but Trixie s-shall have her revenge!" With that pronouncement the unicorn staggered out of the lab.
"Oh dear, I forgot about that burner... I hope she's alright," the Doctor muttered. "What could she have wanted?"
Tedium had struck again, threatening to collapse the foundations of reality and send the whole world crashing down on her.
Or so it seemed to Scootaloo. Though on reflection, she conceded to herself that she might be overestimating the effects her boredom could have on her surroundings. Hopefully.
How was it possible for her to have so few customers? The last few days had seen exactly zero bits fall into her lock-box. What's more, most ponies were giving her a wide berth, which had the extra outcome of making the marketplace even more crowded.
Scootaloo didn't understand how everypony could think she was at fault. Sure the town had almost been destroyed, but was she really to blame? How was she supposed to know that encouraging the Ponyville's resident tinkerer to ask- well, Derpy- to be his special somepony would prove so catastrophic? Besides, Twilight and the others had managed to put the muffin golem down before too much damage had been done.
Spotting the lovestruck duo across the square, Scootaloo sighed contentedly. They really were perfect for each other- never mind the potential for property damage.
Though they might have caused a serious problem for her. If business refrained from picking up, Scootaloo was going to have to give up her stand and work from home. That would be the worst, as there was a strange smell in the house that refused to dissipate.
“There she is, down at the end.”
Scootaloo's ears perked up. The little pegasus' stall was at the end of the row, maybe the pretty voice was talking about her. She turned and saw Equestria's infamous Alicorn of Love, who was indeed pointing out Scootaloo's stand to her husband. Before long, they were both standing before the filly.
“A good day to you, Princess Cadence,” Scootaloo greeted, slipping with well-practiced ease into business mode. This was the real deal, an opportunity to impress the authority on love herself. She wasn't about to mess up now. “And to you, Shining Armor.”
Cadence nodded graciously. “We've heard a lot about you, Scootaloo. You've really made a name for yourself.”
“You wouldn't happen to know why The Great and Powerful Trixie's basically preaching a sermon against you on the outskirts of town, would you?” Twilight's brother inquired, a perplexed look dominating his features.
“Trixie's still in town?”
“Anyway...” Cadence redirected. “Shining and I are on vacation, visiting Twilight and the like-”
As she paused for a breath, Scootaloo took the chance to interrupt. “But didn't you just have a baby?”
“Twilie and her friends have agreed to take care of Flurry for today,” Shining Armor supplied.
“To give us a bit of a break. Which is why we're here, Scootaloo. We thought it'd be fun if you gave us one of your Equestria-famous consultations.”
“Oh, I don't know if they're that famous...” The little filly bashfully traced lines in the dirt. Or at least she hoped that's what it looked like. She still had to keep up appearances. For now.
Cadence must have bought it. “Of course they are, Scootaloo. Now will you perform one?”
“I never turn down a potential client,” the filly proclaimed. “Not yet, anyway. So who is going to be matched up today? And might I add how, um, progressive you are as a couple to be so... open.”
“No no no, Cadence and I aren't looking for somepony else!”
“We wanted to see how well you rated us as a pair,” Cadence clarified.
“So you want me to play matchmaker to an already-made match?”
Shining Armor nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Truly, this is unprecedented.” Scootaloo murmured as she thoughtfully rubbed her chin. “But this mare ain't a mare to give up without trying. I'll do it. It'll cost double, though, to defray any extra costs.”
“What extra costs?”
“I have... costs.” Scootaloo didn't shrink from the princess' gaze.
Cadence sighed in frustration, but relented all the same. “Fine, we'll pay double.”
“Then let us begin!” Scootaloo declared, rather loudly and for effect, before lowering her voice's volume again. “You guys are terrible.”
“Wait, what?” was the bi-vocal reply.
“In terms of shipping, you two are the worst.”
Cadence gaped. “B-But... we're married!”
“Yeah- but you're too, I don't know, plain? You love him, he loves you, and that's that. There aren't any dark secrets in either of your pasts, there aren't any hateful arguments leading to passionate reconciliation. You aren't trying to reform one another. Shining doesn't even have leather pants. All you have is... happiness. It's not very interesting.”
“I-I-I don't know what to say,” Cadence stammered. “This is inconceivable!”
Scootaloo shrugged. “It's shipping, the rules are the rules.”
“I am the Alicorn of Love! I think I'd know a good match when I'm in one.”
“Cadence, come on.” Shining Armor placed a calming hoof on his wife's shoulder. “She's just a filly. We got the consultation, so let's go back and have some fun with Twilie and Flurry.”
As the pair stomped away in a huff, Scootaloo shook her head with a dismissive snort. There were always going to be critics.
But at least she could look down at the two shiny new bits sitting in her box.
There are certain secrets that older ponies never reveal to the fillies and colts. Obscure and eldritch truths. Things they believe to be too much for innocent minds to handle...
In Scootaloo's current case, it was how to make potpurri.
The little pony poked around the underbrush, sniffing desperately to find something at least moderately pleasant-smelling. Her home situation was becoming untenable, and none of the spacialists she had called could tell her why her house smelled so bad. So here she was- all alone in the woods.
“Psst!”
Scootaloo perked her ears up, wondering who could possibly be traipsing in the same part of the forest as she. The voice had been a voice- not a snarl, or a hiss, or a roar- so the odds were pretty good that it wasn't a monster of some sort. Unless, of course, said monster had learned how to speak... No, that only happened in comic books.
Thus, it must have been a pony of some kind who'd made their presence known. But why would a pony be hiding out here? As she cautiously looked for the source of the beckoning, Scootaloo began to worry that she might have stumbled into an enterprise that was both secretive and illicit.
“Psst! Little Orange Pony!” Finally, Scootaloo was able to zero in on the speaker.
“Bush-?” The plant seemed offended by the notion. “I am no mere shrub, you little fool!”
The leaves rustled and shook, and suddenly Queen Chrysalis herself. The Invader of Canterlot. The Stealer of Faces. The Rather Disheveled-Looking.
Chrysalis seemed quite pleased at her reception. “Yes, little foal, stare and be dumbstruck. Quake in the presence of the mighty Queen of the Changelings!”
“What, uh, what are you doing?”
“What was that, you little brat?!” Chrysalis roared, incensed at the filly's temerity. “You dare question the Queen's actions?”
Scootaloo shook her head frantically. “Not at all, your Chrysalis-ness. I was just wondering why you were here. At Ponyville, I mean. Are you going to attack?”
“Ah. You may breathe easy, Little Orange Pony,” the changeling declared, seemingly mollified.
“Umm... It's 'Scootaloo'.”
“That's what I said,” Chrysalis dismissed.
“Alright...” There seemed to be little point in trying to press the issue, but by now the fear Scootalood been feeling was starting to fade. Answers were needed. “So- if you aren't going to attack, why are you here?”
Chrysalis frowned, like what she had to say grated at her pride. “It's come to my attention that you've developed... something of a reputation.”
“I've got a reputation?”
“Yes.”
“For shipping?” Scootaloo clarified. This was amazing, if true. Perhaps it was time to move on to Phase Rainbow. After she got rid of the smell.
“Yes.”
The pegasus stroked her chin thoughtfully. “And you need my help.”
Chrysalis just growled.
“I'll take that as a yes,” Scootaloo meeped. An ahem later, she was able to speak normally again. “A consultation it is, then. First things first, do you have aspirations on the subject? A benchmark, or somepony you're interested in?”
“The last time I set my sights on a pony, I was blasted across the country,” Chrysalis reminded her.
“Quite right. Another question- do you have any preferences when it comes to romance? It's very important to narrow this down, or else it will be more difficult to determine your dream pony.”
“As long as I can feed on their love for me, I don't care,” Chrysalis stated.
“Excellent, excellent- complete matchmaking freedom. A blank canvas, if you will.” The little pony trotted around her newest client, sizing the changeling up. Two revolutions later, Scootaloo had figured out her stratagem. “I've got it! You know what your problem is, Chrysalis?”
“You ponies are frightened of me, terrified of the implications of what I've done,” Chrysalis said flatly.
“You're unique.”
The Queen just stared. “Unique?”
“Exactly! Your looks, your philosophy, your approach to interpony relationships. There's not a pony like you in Equestria.”
“So you can't help me?” Chrysalis hissed.
“That's not it at all,” Scootaloo soothed. “On the contrary, I have the perfect special somepony in mind. One just as different as you are.”
A bit of hope shimmered in Chrysalis' eyes. “And this pony... could love me? As I am?”
“I couldn't imagine her doing anything else.”
“Describe her to me,” the changeling demanded.
Scootaloo breezily ignored her client's tone. “I'll do you one better. Come with me and you can see her for yourself. You'll need a disguise, though...”
Half an hour, and a shape change, later the two of them sat surreptitiously observing their target. If anypony noticed how suspiciously similar they looked, the topic wasn't broached. Ponyville ponies were very polite, normally, and wouldn't point out how strange it was for a filly to have a moustache. Pinkie Pie lived here, after all.
“So? What do you think?”
“She's so...” Chrysalis searched for the proper adjective. There was only one that truly fit. “Fluffy.”
“That she is. She's also super nice and extremely.. uncomplicated. A nice balance for you, don't you agree?” As if to illustrate Scootaloo's point, the poof-y pony pounced at a butterfly. It got away.
“You don't need to sell me anymore,” Chrysalis grumbled, blushing ever so slightly. “So, will you set up a meeting? And maybe be there to introduce us?”
“It might be better if you do it alone. Just bring tacos, you'll be fine.”
“Very well, I'll do it myself,” Chrysalis said determinedly.
Scootaloo grinned victoriously. “Great, great, now there's just the matter of the fee.”
“I don't exactly need or carry any of your monies,” the Queen reminded her.
“Well... there is something you can do for me, in lieu of payment.”
Today was a great day for a certain orange pegasus. Her house no longer smelled like... well, it was best to not to think about what that smell could be assigned to. It was gone now, and she didn't need to learn about insurance law anymore.
Plus, Scootaloo was free from the threat of inexplicable run-ins with Trixie. The unicorn, according to gossip, had fled in the middle of the night. Any ravings about the magician seeing duplicates were dismissed by the townsponies as the product of exhaustion and overwork. Touring was hard on a star, everypony knew that. Certainly Scootaloo did, when she suggested it.
So Scootaloo's business was well off, a perplexing problem had scarpered, and that stench was gone. The day couldn't get-
“Someone like me?”
A flash and the pop of a party popper, and Discord was looming over the filly. Normally this would be a life-changing, or at least bowel-loosening, event in a pony's existence. But Scootaloo lived in Ponyville, so she was mostly just confused. “Wait- what?”
“I said 'Someone like me?'” Discord repeated grumpily, as if somepony had ruined a punchline- which was possible. He had said it with such aplomb, and it was within his... proclivities. “You were thinking 'Oh, I hope no one shows up to ruin this moment',right?”
“Nooo... I was actually wondering how the day could get better than it already was.”
“Well congratulations, I'm here now. Betterment achieved,” Discord pouted.
Not that Scootaloo could fault his huffiness- entrances were important, after all. Still, it was probably best to redirect his train of thought before it reached Mess-Up-Ponyville Station. “So what's with the visit, Discord?”
“The truth- not that you actually care- is that I've heard about this 'shipping' thing you're doing, and all the wonderful chaos you've been causing.” He snootily crossed his... appendages? “Chaos, I might add, that you haven't been punished for.”
“Chaos?”
“Oh, yes. Or have you forgotten the golem?” Discord wiggled his paw and a nearby bush shaped itself into a diorama of the incident, complete with mini sound effects.
“Wait a minute!” Scootaloo protested. “Twilight said I wasn't legally responsible for that!”
“Regardless, that's why I'm here. As the Spirit of Chaos, it's only right that I get in on this.”
The pegasus' jaw dropped. “You want me to... ship you? You?!”
“If that's what you call it. Should be fun for all involved.”
Fun. Sure. That's a word, definitely, but Scootaloo doubted it would be applicable. But since she didn't really have a choice, she reluctantly said, “A-Alright, but I'll need a little time. And maybe some help...”
“Discord wants you to do what?!”
“Yeah, I know,” Scootaloo said through a sip of tea. “Any thoughts?”
Fluttershy simply sat there staring at the kettle- not the capital S version, just a normal one. Scootaloo didn't blame her. Finally, the yellow pegasus asked, “Not with me, right?”
“I don't think so, but who can tell with Discord? Reason doesn't usually associate with him.”
“That's a relief,” Fluttershy sighed.
Scootaloo winced. “Wow, that was pretty harsh.”
“Oh, don't take that the wrong way,” Fluttershy backpedaled. “Discord's a dear friend to me. It's just...”
“You only want him as a friend,” Scootaloo finished.
Fluttershy nodded. “Exactly. He has enough of a problem with jealousy already. I can't imagine what he'd do if we were together and he found out somepony had a poster of me.”
Scootaloo could think of a few scenarios, all of which could be labeled 'Squicky'. She took another sip of Fluttershy's tea to drive those images away. It really was a good brew, and probably would've been calming if not for the situation.
“I haven't the slightest clue who would be a good match for him. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, Scootaloo.”
“It's alright,” Scootaloo assured. “Honestly, I only came here because I hoped you might be interested.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
The little filly shrugged. “Guess I'll just ask around. Shouldn't be too hard to find somepony who likes him.”
“No, thank you.”
“Nope.”
“Absolutely not!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!!!”
“Well, that was an absolute bust!” Scootaloo shouted to herself as she slammed her door shut.
Muted bells replied, echoing throughout her house, They got louder as a certain draconequus shimmered into being before her, before cutting off suddenly. “What was?”
“Why are you in my house, Discord?” she grumbled, ears still ringing from the bells' abrupt silence.
“You said you were going to ship me.”
“I'm trying, okay? It's kinda hard when nopony-” Scootaloo gagged as she caught a whiff of something. “Oh, great! Now that bucking smells back!”
“Crreeatoor...” croaked a new voice. The two arguers whipped their heads toward it, as its source emerged from the shadows.
“Wow. I honestly didn't expect to see that.”
The thing was about the size of Winona, or so Scootaloo estimated. Too-large lettuce dripped from its sides, and congealed bacon jutted out. But worst was the chicken. Dear Celestia, the chicken. And...
“Why do you have so many eyes?!” the filly demanded. “And tongues?! How did you grow tongues and eyes?”
Discord clear his throat. “Scootaloo, do you know what this thing is? Because I don't think I made it.”
“It's a sandwich. One I made before my secret was found out. One I then forgot about. Guess it must have... I don't know, mutated.”
The sandwich gurgled. “Crreeatoor. III haave rreturrned. Am III goood, Crreeatoor?”
“Good? More like rotten, if you ask me,” Discord quipped.
“Could you not make fun of my abomination of nature?” Scootaloo glared at Discord, then turned back to the sandwich. “Yes, you're very good little- wait, I just realized you don't have a name. It's got to be something super kawaii... how about Sandwich-kun?
“III like iit, Crreeatoor.”
“Oh brother,” Discord's eyes rolled so hard they popped out of their sockets. Embarrassed, he quickly scooped them up and put them back in.
It was then that Scootaloo hit upon idea. “Hey, Discord?”
“What is it?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes.
“I think I've figured out who to ship you with.”
“Who?”
Scootaloo simply pointed at Sandwich-kun.
“Me and the- thing?” he sputtered. “Have you lost your mind?!”
“Not at all. Think about it.”
Discord grimaced. “I am. I don't like it.”
She shook her head. “No, really think. You're Discord! The Spirit of Chaos!”
“Which is why you should realize-”
“That you should do something different!” Scootaloo interrupted. “Everypony is dating a pony. You've got to change it up.”
“I don't know...” Discord said uncertainly.
Scootaloo could tell he liked the novelty aspect, so she pressed on. “Look, it'd never work with a regular pony. But Sandwich-kun is different! Sandwich-kun doesn't care how weird you are. It may only be a May-December thing- I don't know how SK's going to hold together- but a relationship with Sandwich-kun will be one of the most accepting of all time.”
“It smells.”
“You can literally change that with a snap of your claws.”
Discord frowned, then threw up his arms in surrender. “Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.” He turned to Sandwich-kun. “Would you be my special some... thing?”
“Suuurre.”
“Awesome, I shipped you,” Scootaloo said. “Now both of you, get out of my house!”
A short time latter, after they had left, Scootaloo sat rubbing her forehead. “I need to find a new job...”