Who Does?
“Sweet Celestia, but it’s a beautiful day!” Fluttershy exclaimed—which for her was akin to speaking in a normal voice. The soft-spoken pony felt so alive as she partook of the warm spring day. Her step was light and her saddlebags full as she put the Ponyville open-air market behind her.
“Hey, Fluttershy,” a familiar voice called out to her as she passed a flower kiosk. Twilight Sparkle approached her with a wide grin. Not too far behind was her shadow, Spike, clutching several parchments as his little legs struggled to keep up with his surrogate sister. “I thought I recognized you.”
“Hey, Twilight. Spike. What are you guys up to?” She asked as they caught up with her.
“I ran out of parchments,” Twilight said, albeit shyly. “Apparently, some pony forgot to jot them down on our shopping list.” She eyed Spike. “Some pony I trust will not make that same mistake again?”
“Geez, Twilight. Lay off,” Spike said in his defense. “It’s bad enough you made me carry all these things when you can just use your magic to levitate them, or better yet, teleport back to the palace.”
“Teleportation is draining,” Twilight said. “Besides, you could use the exercise. You’re starting to get a tummy.”
Fluttershy giggled. “She’s right. Spike. You and Angel Bunny are starting to look like twins.”
“Not you too, Fluttershy!” Spike complained.
The two mares laughed together, causing the dragon to grumble under his breath.
“Speaking of Angel, I take it that’s for him?” Twilight eyed Fluttershy’s saddlebags which were overflowing with carrots, cabbages, lettuce stalks, pears, onions, garlic and an endless variety of sweets.
“For all of us actually. I’m having a little get-together with all my animal friends this afternoon.” Fluttershy suddenly stopped. “Oh! You and Spike are invited of course. That is, if you can come. You don’t have to, of course. I don’t want to get in the way of any plans,”
But Spike cut her off. “Yes, please!” He wailed. “Save me from this check-list-mad princess, I beg of you!”
Twilight glowered at him. “Just for that, you’re doing Owliscious’s chores when we get back to the palace.”
“She’s a slave-driver!” Spike was near tears.
The Princess of Friendship could only roll her eyes as she said, “You’re such a drama queen, Spike. It’s no wonder you and Rarity get along so well.”
No sooner had she said that when there came a high-pitched scream. The trio cringed as they immediately recognized it. “That sounded like,” Fluttershy began.
“Rarity,” Twilight said. She spread her wings and took flight with Fluttershy leaping up right after her. Poor Spike was left to run on his own while making sure not one of Twilight’s precious parchments touched the ground.
They arrived at Carousel Boutique to find nothing out of the ordinary. “Rarity?” Twilight knocked twice. “Is everything okay?”
The door opened, unleashing a frantic white mare with the most stunning of blue manes. She nearly tackled Twilight as she shut the door behind her, tears in her eyes. “Oh Twilight!” She wailed, throwing herself at the hooves of her dear friend. “It was horrible!” Rarity was sobbing now, her eyes large black orbs of precious femininity.
“What happened?” A concerned Twilight quickly patted her friend’s head. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s in there!” Rarity pointed back to where she’d come from, hoof trembling. “I don’t know how to describe it. It was as if all the evils of the world had taken manifest form and sought to invade my sacred sanctuary.” Bringing her hoof up, Rarity threw back her head in dramatic pose. “The demon came straight for me.” She began to stutter. “I…I…I…I barely escaped with my life. It was so icky.” She began hopping like mad, patting her body like some pony who was covered in ants.
“Ahem!”
Both ponies turned to find Fluttershy clearing her throat. “Perhaps if you start at the beginning, Rarity,” unfortunately, she never finished that sentence.
“Fluttershy!” Rarity shoved the Princess of Friendship aside and leaped to the pegasus’ side. “You have to help me. If any pony will know what to do it’s you.”
“M-Me?” Fluttershy squeaked. “But…But I don’t know anything about demons.”
“Oh I was just being dramatic,” Rarity, her voice returning to normal, waved a hoof in the air. “You know me, darling. That’s just how I am. It was actually more of a bug than anything else. Still,” Rarity shivered. “It was the ugliest bug I’d ever seen.”
Fluttershy smiled. “Oh. Okay. I can do bugs.”
“I must warn you, Fluttershy. It…was…hideous,” Rarity stressed every word.
“Bugs are often harmless and gravely misunderstood animals,” Fluttershy spoke as if giving a lecture. “When you stop and think about it, it was probably more afraid of you than you were of it. I mean, you are much bigger than the poor thing.”
Rarity grabbed at both sides of her face, stretching her ample cheeks to their limits. “But it was so icky. And those legs.” She trembled again. “Ewwww.”
Spike, having run all this way, showed up at just that moment. Panting, he looked up. “Whew! What’s going on, guys?”
Fluttershy answered. “Oh, Rarity just saw a bug.”
“A bug?” Spike blew out his breath. “For a second I thought it was an emergency.”
“It is an emergency!” Rarity cried. “You didn’t see it, Spike. You don’t know how evil it is.”
Fluttershy winked at Spike without Rarity seeing. Casually glancing at Twilight, she watched the alicorn roll her eyes. “Now don’t you worry, Rarity. I’ll go take care of everything.” Fluttershy placed her saddlebags on the ground; then she strode confidently into the Carousel Boutique.
“It was inside the kitchen,” Rarity called out after her. “Be careful, Fluttershy!”
Twilight walked up beside her. “Rarity, why are you so freaked out? You helped us fight a lot more freakish things than bugs.”
Spike came around her other side. “Yeah. And you totally kicked their flanks.”
Trembling like some frightened filly, Rarity huddled on the floor. “That was different. This thing is pure evil.”
“How evil?” Twilight asked.
“Like last year’s Fashion Choice Award winner, evil,” she answered in terrified whispers.
Spike shrugged his shoulders. “Fluttershy’s on the case so you have nothing to worry about. I’ll bet she’ll have it eating out of her hoof the moment she gets back.”
A new scream filled the air, shaking the Carousel Boutique, the ponies, the dragon, and half of Ponyville along with it. Fluttershy came thundering out the building , slamming the door shut behind her. She stood on her hind legs, back to the door, pressing against it as if some unholy thing were attempting to break out of the other end. Her breathing was ragged and her chest heaving. Her eyes were narrow pinpricks.
“F-Fluttershy?” Twilight dared to ask.
“It was a cockroach,” Fluttershy said in barely a whisper.
“What was that?” Spike asked, straining to hear.
The pegasus zoomed before them, wings spread, arms wide. She grabbed all three of them and hoisted them into the air. Spike dropped all the parchments, cringing at Fluttershy’s suddenly vice-like grip. She held them all aloft, eyes frantic as she screamed, “IT WAS A COCKROACH!”
“A what?” Twilight asked. “A cockatrice?”
“IF ONLY!” Fluttershy yelled/answered. She immediately dropped them and said, “Rarity, your whole house is quarantined until further notice. Twilight, keep every pony away from the boutique. Absolutely nobody is to go inside. Do you understand?”
“Um…yes?” Twilight said hesitantly.
“Spike!” Fluttershy turned her mad gaze on the dragon. “If it comes out or tries to escape, burn it. Burn it all down!”
“Now see here,” Rarity began to object. But Fluttershy cut her off.
“Burn everything!” Then the normally docile pegasus exclaimed, “IT…MUST…DIE!” And she flew off, leaving a fiery trail of smoke in her wake that would have left Rainbow Dash jealous.
The three friends stood in complete shock, unsure of what to make of what they’d just seen.
“Is she going to be okay?” Spike had to ask. “Cause I’ve never seen Fluttershy act so crazy.”
“She was a bit out of character,” Rarity said. “Who’d of thought she’d become so unhinged by a mere bug.”
“Not long ago you said it was a demon,” Twilight narrowed her eyes.
Rarity “humphed” and crossed her arms. “I tend to overreact. I should think you know that by now.”
A crowd began to assemble around the Carousel Boutique. Many nearby ponies had overheard the outburst and were curious as to what was happening. “Don’t worry, every pony,” Twilight fell into her crowd-control mode. “It’s just a small pest problem. Fluttershy is looking into it.”
“Twilight,” Spike began as the crowd murmured amongst itself, “What’s a cockroach?”
Scratching her chin, Twilight shrugged. “I have no idea. I thought I knew every animal in Equestria. At least those in Ponyville. If we were at my library, I could do some research on the subject. Whatever it is, it sure bugged Rarity.” She saw the hard stares of her friends. “No pun intended,” she grinned sheepishly.
“Hey guys!” Emerging from the crowd, Pinkie Pie came bouncing up to them. “What’s going on?”
After Twilight filled her in, Pinkie said, “Cockroach? Hm. Never heard of them. Is that some sort of parasprite, because I really hate those.” She stuck out her tongue to emphasis her point.
“I don’t think so.” The alicorn turned to regard the gathering ponies. “I just hope Fluttershy knows what she’s doing.”
Spike chuckled. “She’s our animal expert. I’m sure she does, Twilight.”
“Look!” Some pony called out. All eyes turned to the distance where a winged form was slowly making itself noticeable. Fluttershy landed before the crowd, but it was not the Fluttershy they were all familiar with. She donned a strange lavender gi that hung loosely on her body. The sleeves were wide, providing ample room for her legs. Adorned on the gi were several butterflies the color of blood. She had her hair pulled back into a bun that she tied with a pair of chopsticks to hold placed through the strands to hold them in place. But what was most striking of all was the sword at her hip.
“Fluttershy?” Her friends said at once.
“Every pony,” Fluttershy, her voice hard and stoic, “Leave this to me. Under no circumstances is a pony to approach the boutique while the beast is alive.” Fluttershy unsheathed her sword, revealing a blade so shard it seemed to catch the sun in its surface. It was a katana, the keenest sword ever made, its edge—it was said—able to cut the air itself in twine.
“Are you okay?” Twilight asked her.
“My ancient foe has returned.” Fluttershy proclaimed. “Long ago, I thought I’d vanquished his ilk off the face of Equestria. It seems one has survived. Now,” She raised her sword, exposing its razor-sheen blade to the crowd. “I will finish what I had started.”
“Uh…okay…” Taken aback, Twilight stepped aside as Fluttershy approached the boutique. After a brief pause, Fluttershy opened the door and closed it shut behind her. For the longest time, no pony said anything. They were all concerned over this startling change in Fluttershy, known in all of Ponyville as the kindest, sweetest, quietest…
“Banzai!” There came the sound of metal ringing against metal that had every pony jump up into the air. Fluttershy unleashed a blood-curdling cry as she attacked her “ancient foe”, adding a chorus of swears that seemed as if they’d come out of the mouth of the most inebriated of sailors.
“T-Twilight?” Pinkie stuttered. She was clearly disturbed. “What’s going on with Fluttershy?”
Twilight jerked back as she heard Fluttershy break something. “I don’t think she likes cockroaches.”
“You think?” Spike said.
Rarity was distraught. “It sounds like she’s destroying my house.” The Carousel Boutique shook violently. Glass was broken and something very heavy hit the floor. Fluttershy screamed all hell before a great crash shook the earth. “She is destroying my house.”
Turning to her, Spike asked,. “How big was this thing, Rarity?”
“Actually, Spike, you could fit it in the palm of your claw.”
Spike looked down at his claw. “That small huh?”
“YAAAAAHHH!!!!” Fluttershy’s sword clanged against something hard.
“Was it…armed?” Twilight asked skeptically.
“Don’t be absurd. It was a bug!”
“So what in the world is she fighting?” Pinkie asked.
A piece of furniture came crashing out the window. Then another, this time from the second floor. Rarity yelled. “That’s my fainting couch!” A mirror followed shortly. “My vanity!” Rarity fainted. Luckily, Pinkie was there to catch her.
“Uh, you think maybe we should do something? You know, while Rarity still has a home left?” Pinkie asked Twilight.
Before she could speak, everything went silent. After a few moments, the door opened and Fluttershy came stumbling out. One would swear she’d just fought the reincarnation of Nightmare Moon single-hoofedly. Her beautiful gi was tattered and torn in several places. She’d lost her chopsticks, her hair hair cascading about her in rumpled tangles and plastered to her sweaty face. Fluttershy stumbled towards her friends before falling to her knees and said, “I’ve failed.”
“What in all of Equus were you doing in there?” Twilight asked.
“This one is stronger than the others. I must regroup.” Sheathing her sword, the samurai pegasus flew back to her cottage. Upon her return she found that the crowd had grown, Rarity was still out cold after the loss of her vanity, and her friends were just as flabbergasted by her new appearance. “What in the…?” Twilight couldn’t finish. She was truly without words.
Dressed in jungle camouflage, complete with kakis and a vest full of ammo and grenades, Fluttershy’s face was painted green and black. A red bandana tied her hair away from her face, which was painted with black and green lines. Her hooves kicked up clouds of dirt when she landed, chewing on something that smelled like tobacco which she promptly spat out.
“Is that a rifle?” Spike pointed to the contraption on her back.
Hoisting over her shoulder so that every pony could get a good luck, Fluttershy patted the weapon gingerly. “AK-47.” She slapped a magazine in one fluid motion, with the ease of one accustomed to doing so on a regular basis. “When you absolutely must kill every motherbucker in the room.”
“You’re starting to scare me, Fluttershy,” Twilight admitted.
Fluttershy cocked her rifle. “The only thing that needs to be scared of me is that poor bastard inside.” Halfway to the door, Fluttershy looked over her shoulder. “You might want to keep your heads down.” Once she was inside, every pony held their breath. “Get some!” The tell-tale sound of gunfire filled the air as flashes lit up the remaining windows.
Rarity woke up to the sound. “What in Celestia’s name is that racket?” She saw her friends staring wide-mouthed at the boutique where Fluttershy’s screams were as loud as the bullets. “Eat it!” Bullets began to burst the walls, forcing every pony to take cover. “Die, motherbucker, die! Die, motherbucker, die!”
“My house!” Rarity screamed.
A grenade explosion caused part of the ceiling to cave in. “What is she doing to my bedroom?” Rarity was literally pulling at her hair right now. “Some pony stop her!”
More gunfire drowned out her pleas. A second grenade went off, tearing a gaping hole on the side of the building.
Crying, Rarity fell to Twilight’s hooves. “Please do something!”
Using her wings as protective cover, Twilight finally stood up. “I don’t know what’s come over her, but this has got to stop!”
But before she could take a single step, however, Fluttershy came back out, the muzzle of her gun glowing a heated red. Her ammo clips were spent and she had only two grenades left. “Fluttershy, you have t…” Twilight stopped as Fluttershy flew right past her.
“I’ll be back.” She was gone before Twilight could say anything else.
A rambling Rarity was barely comforted by Spike who could only look at her and shrug. “Guess she really doesn’t like cockroaches.”
It wasn’t long before the ground began to shake. A large contraption pulled into view. Moving on treadmills, the hulking vehicle was ten feet tall and weighed several tons. It had a single cylindrical object on its top which was mounted on swiveling gears that could turn it around a full three-hundred and sixty degrees. Ponies screamed and moved out of the way as Twilight alone stood before the monstrosity.
“Fluttershy! Stop this immediately!” She commanded.
A hatch opened up and the pegasus poked her head out. She now donned a green helmet with three white stars on the front. “I’m sorry, Twilight. But this time, it’s war!”
“Where the hell did you get a tank?”
“Prepare to fire!” Fluttershy aimed the turret at the boutique.
“She done lost her damn mind!” Spike cried as he carried a still sobbing Rarity behind cover.
“Stop!” Twilight screamed to no avail.
“My house!” Rarity screamed.
The tank fired. The boutique went up in a cloud of rubble. When it subsided, Fluttershy peered through a pair of binoculars to survey the damage.
Twilight was livid. “What in the name of Celestia is wrong with you?!”
Coughing, Pinkie poked her head up from where she had been hiding. “She really doesn’t like cockroaches.”
“That’s no excuse for,” But before Twilight could finish, the tank jerked into motion, nearly running her over. “Crap!” Twilight ducked to the side just in time.
“Target sighted. Move! Move! Move!” Fluttershy kept tapping the side of the tank like mad as she spotted the elusive roach. It was on the move and trying to make a run for it. “Oh no you don’t!”
Twilight flew after her. Spike, having passed a distraught Rarity off to Pinkie Pie, hurried after her.
“Fire!” Fluttershy yelled out.
Not far away, a second house went up in flames. Ponies all over town scrambled for safety as the mad pegasus cleaved a path of destruction. The tank fired one shot after another. Fluttershy was relentless in her pursuit, Twilight attempting in vain to deter her course of chaos. “You’re going to blow up all of Ponyville!”
“Fire!”
The tank crushed the fountain at the heart of town, firing off a shot that leveled another home. The turret swiveled toward the gazebo.
“Don’t!” Twilight gasped.
“Fire!”
Nothing happened. Apparently, and fortunately for the good folk of Ponyville, the tank had run out of ammo. “Are you kidding me?” Fluttershy slammed her hoof down. “Dammit it all!” She got out, a small figure hoppig out after her wearing a miniature helmet.
“Angel?” Twilight said. “You were in there this whole time?”
“Someone had to drive the tank,” Fluttershy told her. She looked through her binoculars at the gazebo. “He thinks he’s found safety. Little does he know he’s fallen right into my trap. Angel?” Fluttershy held out a hoof, wherein Angel placed a small portable device. “Call it in, Angel.” She pointed the device at the gazebo while Angel muttered something into a walkie-talkie. A small cone of red light painted the gazebo from where Fluttershy was pointing.
Spike had caught up to them at that moment. He saw Twilight arguing with Fluttershy and watched Angel Bunny chattering madly into a walkie-talkie. “I’ve seen stranger things,” he admitted. Then he heard something which caused him to look up. Several streaking objects swirled in midair before coming straight down at the gazebo. “Are those,” Spike was blown off his feet before he could finish, the gazebo utterly annihilated by the incoming missiles. He got up slowly, his face black, watching as bits of debris rained to the ground.
“You have missiles too?” Twilight exclaimed.
A satisfied smirk crossed Fluttershy’s face. “Good work, Angel. Mission Accomplished.” Only when the bunny stamped his foot and pointed in the distance did Fluttershy raise her binoculars. “He’s still alive?” She threw the binoculars away. “HE’S STILL ALIVE?” Growling like some feral beast, Fluttershy tossed her helmet aside. “That’s it! Come on, Angel.” She and the bunny went back into the tank, the hatch slamming shut. The tank took off, heading back towards the outskirts of the town.
Terrified, for there was no telling what new monstrosity Fluttershy would bring back with her this time, Princess Twilight grabbed Spike and flew after them. They arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage where she parked the tank and exited with Angel in tow. She walked towards her mailbox and flipped a switch just as Spike and Twilight arrived.
“Stop what you’re doing this instant,” Twilight told her friend. Only then did she notice that the ground beneath their feet was sinking. The mailbox was situated atop a lift which began to descend into the earth, a secret door sealing shut above their heads.
“Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, “What is this?”
“Operation Last Resort.” The platform descended for a good three minutes before they arrived at the bottom. Entering a small tunnel, Fluttershy led them toward a metal door at the far end. “VOICE IDENTIFICATION PLEASE,” a computerized voice said.
“Fluttershy,” the yellow pegasus announced.
“VOICE IDENTIFICATION VERIFIED. BEGIN RETINA SCAN.” Fluttershy approached the door whereupon a tiny latch opened up to reveail a retina scanner. After having her eyeball scanned, Fluttershy stepped back. “SCAN COMPLETE. WELCOME, FLUTTERSHY.” There was a hiss as the metal doors slid open. Inside was a vast circular control room with computer screens showing various parts of the town and its surroundings. At the far end was a massive computer console upon which sat a large red button beneath an impenetrable glass cover. It was nestled between two keyholes.
Fluttershy nodded to Angel Bunny before removing a hidden key from around her neck. Angel revealed a similar key as they both approached the console. After inserting their keys, Fluttershy began to count “3,2,1, now,” at which point they turned their keys at the same time. The glass covering the big red button popped open. It was at this point that the largest computer screen came into focus to show a birds-eye-view of Ponyville.
“Is this a nuclear missile site?” Twilight asked in sheer disbelief. “How do you even have these things?”
“The better question,” Spike began, “is how inhabitants of a pre-industrial society like our own has an inkling as to what these things are.”
Cackling madly, Fluttershy prepared to push the button. “Now burn!”
“Fluttershy, no!” Twilight grabbed her. Fluttershy fought back. The two ponies began to struggle dangerously close to the button. “You’re going to kill all our friends.”
“It must die!”
“It’s just a stupid bug!”
“It’s a cockroach!”
“I don’t even know what that is!”
As they struggled, Spike looked to take in the very large, very expensive control room. “How can she afford these things on a vet’s salary?”
On a dirt path leading to Equestria, Rainbow Dash and Applejack talked excitedly amongst themselves. “I totally whooped your flank in that contest, AJ. Why don’t you admit it?”
“Beatin’ yer opponent in a nappin’ contest ain’t nothin’ t’ gloat about, Rainbow Dash.”
Flying over the earth pony, Rainbow smiled smugly. “Jealous?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Very.” She looked up at the sky. “I wonder what those there streaks were we saw earlier. They look like they were headin’ t’ Ponyville.”
“Probably just some birds,” Rainbow said.
“Lot of noise, too. Ya think Pinkie’s havin’ one of her parties?”
The cyan pegasus shrugged. “You know her. Never needs a reason to throw a bash.”
Applejack would have said something else until something caught her attention. “What in the hay is that?” She pointed as something small and black skittered along the road in front of her. It was the most hideous little thing she had ever seen, even worse than those termites she and Big Mac had to clean out of the barn the other day.
“Don’t know,” Rainbow leered at it. “But boy is it Ug-ly!”
“Ah’ll say.” Her face scrunched up in disgust, Applejack stepped towards it. “Sorry, li’l fella, but there ain’t no room in in this world for heebie-jeebies like yers.” Then Applejack stomped the roach dead.
“TARGET ELMINATED” the computerized voice announced, putting an end to the struggle between Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy.
“What?” Fluttershy pushed Twilight away and studied the readings on the screen. “The roach is…dead?”
“CONFIRMED.”
“Oh. Well in that case, abort launch.”
The red lighting in the computer room changed to a steady white as the computer said, “LAUNCH ABORTED. HAVE A NICE DAY,” and signed off.
“Goodness. That was a close one, wasn’t it, Twilight?” To Twilight’s continuing surprise, Fluttershy had returned to her soft-spoken self and seemed as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “What say we get out of this stuffy missile silo and back to our friends? I’ll bet they’re wondering where we went.”
“What are you talking about?” Twilight threw up her hooves. “We have to talk about this. Just what in Tartarus is the matter with you?
“Why nothing, Twilight.”
“You destroyed Rarity’s house, blew up half of Ponyville, and now I find you have a secret silo full of nuclear warheads? All this, all of it, just to kill some stupid bug?”
“Cockroach.” Fluttershy casually walked towards the lift, Angel in tow. “Believe me, Twilight, there is no such thing as excessive when it comes to those things.” Her hooftsteps echoed loudly as she strolled down the hall, humming to herself.
Collapsing against the computer console, Twilight whimpered. “She’s lost her mind, Spike.”
Spike couldn’t disagree. He gently took Twilight’s hoof as he escorted her towards the exit. “Twilight, let me tell you something I learned while growing up in a world full of talking pastel-colored ponies who use magic.”
Twilight listened.
“Just deal with it.”