Quit ragging on me...
You’ve been in Equestrian for nearly a month now, and you feel like you’re finally beginning to adapt. You’ve made friends with a lot of the ponies around here, you’ve settled into your life as Princess Twilight’s new roommate (er, castlemate), and you have finally accepted the fact that you can’t eat meat around here.
Ok, it cost Fluttershy a friend or two for you to figure that one out, but in your defense, rabbit in a green peppercorn sauce is fucking delicious. And chicken l’orange is awesome when cooked correctly. And roast partridge is kind of delicacy so…
Yeah, you can see why she’s not really speaking to you anymore.
But besides your gastric mistakes, you’ve kind of found your own place now. It also helps that most of the ponies seem to be girls like you, even if they’re the four legged kind. In fact, the only guy you’re even vaguely close to is Spike, and he seems a little afraid of you to be honest.
So of course, of fucking course, it would be Spike who wakes you up this morning with a high-pitched shriek of mortal terror. You open your eyes just a crack and see the little dragon at your bedside, pointing at you and screaming at the top of his little lungs. It looks as if he was carrying a tray of toast and orange juice, which now lies discarded and totally ruined across the ground. What a fucking waste, stupid dragon.
“Spike. What.” you grumble, still glaring at him through slitted eyes.
His screaming rises in pitch and intensity.
“What?” you groan. “What, is my bed-head that bad? Is my tit popping out, did I drool on myself, did I moan Big Mac’s name in my sleep again, what? Stop fucking screaming and just tell me-“
“Anon!” he says in a trembling and terrified voice. “Y-you're hurt! Really, REALLY hurt!”
“I’m what?”
“You’re bleeding! Oh sweet Celestia, it’s everywhere!”
Bleeding? What is he…
…oh.
Really not wanting to, you look down at the formerly white sheets of Twilight’s guest bed. Sure enough, a smearing and spattering of dark brown-red blood coats the fabric. You can see where it pooled in one area, and where you must have spread it around with one knee, kicked out in restless sleep. It looks to have dried in some areas, turning the color of melted chocolate.
You breathe a heavy sigh of frustration and do a little mental math. Yep, that seems about right. With the sudden change of scenery you’d pretty much forgotten what day of the month it was.Obviously your body hadn’t.
Awesome.
“God. Fucking. Damnit.”
“That’s all you have to say?” Spike Shrieks. “Aren’t you in pain?! How can you lose that much blood and still be alive!? Quick, we need to get to the hospital, I’ll go get Twilight.”
He turns to run out of the room.
“Spike, wait.”
He pauses, and looks at you with eyes brimming in worry and fear.
“I’m fine.”
“B-but the blood…”
“It’s fine.”
“How can it possibly be fine! You are BLEEDING!”
“Well, let me explain…you see…”
You hesitate as you look down at the trembling lip and wide eyes. It’s like a child, looking to you for guidance, just seeking answers. How the fuck do you explain this to him? Well, you could try to explain it’s part of how people make babies…wait…does he even know where babies come from? Are you…are you about to have ‘the talk’ with Spike?
Oh, fuck that!
“O-on second thought,” you say, unable to keep a stutter out of your voice. “Maybe you should get Twilight.”
“On it!”
He goes to leave again, and you breathe another sigh, this time of relief. You don't mind messing with the little guy, but you are in no way ready to start explaining the whole penis goes into vagina thing to a baby dragon. Just as he exits, you remember one more thing.
“Hey, bring me a change of underwear too!” you call out after him.
Things are already awkward, might as well take it to the next level.
——
Once you’ve thoroughly wadded the soiled blanket into a weird lump and stuffed it into your underwear for padding (oh…so THAT’S what you’d look like with a huge cock. Huh. Less impressive than you’d guessed.) you waddle away from the bed to wait for Twilight. The beautiful feather-down bed looks as though a double-homicide crime scene, the Nesquick bunny, and the last of a bottle of Cabernet had an orgy. It’s completely unrecoverable, and you sigh at it thoughtfully. If only these staining powers could be used for good. Or at least directed more effectively at your enemies.
Just then, you hear the sound of hoofbeats approaching. Like…a lot of them. That’s not just Twilight. You feel your throat and lower abdomen tighten, because fuck you cramps, at the thought of even more ponies seeing this. At least you’re all girls, right? They’ll understand what you’re going through.
“Anon!” Twilight calls as she round the corner into your room with every single one of her five fucking friends in step. “Spike said you were terribly injured, we came as fast as we…”
She trails off and everyone stop as they spot the bed before they even really regard you. You look at it, then at them, then shrug.
“Uh…yeah…sorry about that.”
Rarity holds the back of one hoof to her head, and faints on the spot. Everyone else ignores her theatrics in favor of rushing you and looking terrified.
“Let me see darlin,” Applejack says urgently, tugging at your arms and legs. “Show me where you got cut and we’ll have you right as rain in no time.”
“But I’m not…”
“Oh you poor dear!” Fluttershy cries out, and she looks as though she might break into tears at any minute. “You’re so brave not to be just wailing and wailing in pain.”
“But I’m not…”
Twilight places her back under one of your arms, as if trying to steady you. She pats a hoof on your hip reassuringly and looks up into your face.
“You can lean on me, Anon. We’re here to help, we’ve got you, we-“
“Will you all shut up for one second!” you suddenly shout. Welp, there go the mood swings. You try again, more softly. “I’m not hurt. I’m find, I promise, it’s just that time of the month is all, ok?”
The ponies go still, then look at each other questioningly, then back at you.
“Uh,” Rainbow Dash says slowly. “You mean…the 12th? Because it’s the 12th. Is the 12th something…special in human terms? You’re acting so random right now.”
You roll your eyes. You know Dash is dumb, but surely she's not really that dense.
“You know…”
They don’t. You wait for them for a moment or two to figure it out, but they continue to stare blankly at you. You let out a sigh and close your eyes in frustration. You can't believe you actually have to spell it out for them.
“You know. Aunt Flo’s visit.”
Nothing.
“The crimson tide, the parting of the red sea, the rag?”
Nothing.
“Shark week, the great flood, the girl flu, the red dot special?”
Nothing.
“Flying the Japanese flag, the painters are visiting, playing the Redwings this week, riding the cotton pony?”
They brighten a little at the last one, but you quickly realize it’s because of the word 'pony,' not because of any actual recognition. Finally, you’re just about out of code terms, and you can’t help but blurt it out.
“My period! I’m on my god damn period, ok?” you practically scream.
And yet somehow they still look completely baffled. You blink at them and slowly, you’re the one who starts to realize it. Wait. Wait a cotton picking, ok not the best term right now, minute. Do…do ponies not menstruate?
“You guys…do get your periods, don’t you?”
“Well,” Twilight says haltingly. “I do make sure I punctuate all my letters to Celestia correctly, if that’s what you mean.”
Of course. She would go straight to books at a time like this.
“I mean, do you ponies menstruate?”
Ok, now it all clicks. They all look relieved to finally be understanding, and then they look even more confused. Fluttershy also looks positively pink with bashfulness.
“Well yes, but…if you’re menstruating, why are you bleeding?” Rarity says.
No one is sure when she became conscious again, and no one seems to care. Exasperation continues to rise in your chest at having to give such graphic intimate details, but you must do what you must do. For the sake of your aching ladyparts.
“Because that’s what menstruation is!” you blurt out again. “Your uterine lining falls out and you bleed out your vagina for like a week while your body realizes that it’s not baby time after all.”
Rarity wrinkles her nose at you, and the others seem to have a similar expression on their faces. What the actual fuck is going on here? Do ponies menstruate candy syrup or something else sweet and delicious? Ok, stop thinking about going down on ponies, it’s probably not as fun as it sounds.
“We…uh…don’t bleed out of our vaginas,” says Rainbow Dash with a cocked eyebrow. “Like ever.”
“Well, unless he was particularly rough that time,” Fluttershy says softly.
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing.”
Fluttershy’s kinky sex exploits aside, you seem to be in a bit of a pickle here. There’s blood everywhere, no one seems to understand why, and you’re feeling more and more embarrassed by the minute.
“So,” you say, trying your best to figure this out. “If you don’t bleed when you menstruate here, what exactly happens? Like…is it…not blood or…?”
“Well,” Twilight explains. “It only happens once a year, for a month or so. We smell a little different, stallions look at us a little, er, differently…oh, and we pee frequently and uncontrollably wherever we go.”
Wat.
Ok, well you didn’t expect that. And…wow, you’re almost glad you bleed now. At least that is a little less obvious. Except for now, of course.
“Hey, Anon?” Pinkie Pie says suddenly.
You look down to find her poking at the bulge in your very stained panties. Oh good. More to be embarrassed about. You wait for her to stop, but she doesn't and at last you clear your throat to get her attention. She looks up and smiles, but keeps poking.
“What’s that?” she asks. “Do humans also grow dangly bits during their poo-ree-id?”
There’s so much wrong with this question that you don’t even know where to start.
“Uh, no,” you say. “I put that there to soak up the blood, at least until you can find me a pad or tam-“
You stop, realizing suddenly that there’s no way they have these items here. No tampons, no pads, no menstrual cups, no nothing. Holy fuck, you’re up blood creek without a paddle.
“I…need something to absorb a lot of liquid for a whole week,” you say with a slow sigh. “That I can stick in my underwear. Do you..have anything like that?”
“Well,” Pinkie pipes up, still poking your budge shamelessly. “There are always the extra diapers at Sugarcube Corners. I’m sure you could-“
You hold up a hand to stop her right there.
Nope. NOPE. You are NOT wearing a diaper. You’re sure some certain people on the internet would just love to read about you putting on a diaper, but they’re just some sick fucks. That's never ever happening. What is wrong with those people anyway, jeeze.
“I’ll have to find something else,” you mutter. “Just…not that.”
Pinkie shrugs.
They're silent as you all think. Through the silence, you can feel a sort of weird tension building in the air. The ponies seem twitchy, uncomfortable. Maybe it's the red rorschach test on the bed, or maybe it's just your own paranoia. But it does seem like they're glaring at you now. A lot.
“You know,” Applejack says suddenly. “I don’t know why exactly, sugarcube…but seeing you like this makes me plumb mad for some reason.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow dash says. “Me too. I don’t know why, I mean, you’re my friend and everything…but I kinda want to kick you in the face right now.”
“I just want to hug you,” Pinkie chimes in. “Well…until your head explodes like confetti, but at least there would be hugs!”
“I already didn’t like you,” Fluttershy says softly.
“Wait, what?”
What the shit is this? Why are they all approaching you like that? Why do they look angry, why…
Something a hunter-jumper riding friend once told you suddenly hits you like a ton of tampon-shaped bricks. She told you that her horses often acted violently to her and the other girls when they were on their period. They’d kick, bite, pin their ears, the works. But that doesn’t mean it would carry over to this world…does it? No way, these ponies are your friends, they wouldn’t…
“You know, dear,” Rarity croons, eyeing you very much like a popular high school senior looking at a nerdy freshman. “I never realized how positively bitchy you sound when you talk. Perhaps you should stop? Or…perhaps we should make you stop?”
Yep, it happens here too. Just your luck, you're surrounded by horses, and your body is sending them into ragefits. This could get ugly. Even uglier than a bearded man after that-time-of-the-month oral.
As you turn and run, the wadded blanket shifts and begins to trail out behind you, dangling from your immensely ruined underwear. You sprint down the hall, shrieking in terror, a train of bloody blanket streaming out behind you as you go. The other ponies charge as you flee, calling out violences at you as they chase. This was not at all the way you wanted to spend your morning, and now you feel like crying and laughing at the same time for no reason. Because of course you do. Fucking body. Fucking period.
Spike rounds the corner, looking very ashamed, but diligently carrying a neatly folded new pair of panties for you. As he spots you, he brightens, probably thinking he’s glad that you’re ok and that you'll be happy for his offering. But all too soon, his expression turns to one of terror as he sees the stream of blood staining the marble floors behind you, and the sheet waving like a tattered war flag.
“Anon!” he shrieks.
You wave at him to run, but he stays there, completely petrified at the sight of your uterine Jackson Pollock.
“Run!” you scream at him as you pass. “Run Spike! Now”
“Why!?” he squeaks out.
Your bloody rag strikes him across the face like a towel whip. It leaves a thick, gelatinous smear of red on his cheek as it goes, and he reaches up to touch it in bafflement. As he spots the blood on his claw, he practically gurgles in distress. You turn to look over your shoulder and have just enough time to call out one last thing.
“I told them I got my period and they…they…ovaryacted!”
You can’t help but laugh as you round the corner to leave him bloody and confused in the hallway. At least you can take solace in the fact that you traumatized Spike for life today.
-End-