Twilight Learns about Courtship
Twilight Learns about Courtship
Admiral Biscuit
Twilight looked down at the book on her table with a small frown of disapproval. Although she didn't approve of the romance section of the library, it was popular with ponies. Even if the plots and characters in the book were a little unbelievable.
Rarity had assured her it was a good book—one of the best there was—and she'd finally caved under pressure and read the damn thing.
“Did you read it, darling?” Rarity's blue eyes were eagerly locked on her as Twilight gave a small, barely-perceptible nod.
“Oh! What did you think?”
Twilight let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. “I think . . . I had a hard time believing the protagonist's struggles to get the stallion, or the elaborate, convoluted ways in which she tried to get him to go on a date with her! All she had to do was ask—would that have been so hard?
“And then, when she finally worked up the courage to ask him and so obviously wanted to have sex with him . . . she hinted at it with the most oblique metaphors and phrases I've ever seen.”
“Oh, Twilight. A proper mare can't just ask a stallion if he wants to go back to her home and . . . um. . . .”
“Rut her silly?” Twilight suggested.
Rarity's cheeks turned red, but she nodded.
“I have a hard time believing that everymare goes to those extremes to get a stallion is all I'm saying. If I wanted to, ah, do that with a stallion, I'd just ask.”
“You're hardly experienced,” Rarity pointed out. At the look on Twilight's face, she put a hoof in front of her muzzle. “Not that I mean to—“
“I've done it before with a stallion.”
“Of course, dear, I didn't mean—“
“But there aren't many in Ponyville who I find attractive. Intellectually, that is. And I'm of an age where I ought to be looking for a suitable mate to give me a foal, rather than just an uncommitted one-night-stand.”
“Of course,” Rarity said, still blushing furiously.
“I never had to go to these extremes, though.” Twilight set a hoof on the book. “Of course, it was a while ago, and he approached me . . . and kind of did most of the work . . . Rarity?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“This isn't really how ponies get into fulfilling relationships, is it?”
“Well, I'm sure the author took some liberties.”
“But this . . . is this how you see relationships progressing? The other girls at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns never resorted to schemes like these. I don't think. I never really talked about it.”
“Those are adolescents,” Rarity reminded her. “As we all were, once,” she charitably added. “Now that we're grown gentlemares, though, we do these things with a little more decorum.”
Twilight nodded absently. “Uh huh. I think maybe I'll ask some of the other girls.”
• • •
Early the next morning, Twilight set out for Sweet Apple Acres. She didn't know anypony who was more down-to-earth than Applejack, and the farmer's simple honesty would no doubt lend itself to a straight answer. She's the heir apparent to one of the most successful apple orchards in all of Equestria, and she's a national hero, too, so she's got a lot going for her. Plus, she's practical, so surely she's already planning on passing down her family's legacy. Gosh, this is the kind of thing we never really talk about. I don't think she's got a special somepony, but I don't really know.
She found Applejack in the midst of an apple grove, weeding around her trees. Twilight gave a friendly wave and trotted over to her friend.
“Hey, Twi, what's going on?”
“I've got a bit of a personal question,” she said, shifting on her hooves. “If you don't mind.”
“Shoot, go right ahead. I'd be happy to have something to occupy my mind 'stead of these weeds.” AJ tugged a weed loose and tossed at into a basket.
“So I was talking about courtship with Rarity yesterday. Kind of inspired by a romance novel that she thought I should read. And the main character spent an awful lot of time agonizing about this stallion, and dancing around the subject with him, when it was pretty obvious she wanted to have sex with him, but she never came out and said it, so it took most of the book before they finally did.”
Applejack tugged another mouthful of weeds loose. “Uh huh.”
“And Rarity thinks that's the most practical way to go about it, but that would take forever, and what if you spend all that time on somepony and it turns out you're not much of a match? You've wasted a lot of time . . . so how do you do it? I mean, you have gone on dates and . . . stuff, right?”
“Well, shoot. Ah don't really have time for all that fancy Canterlot and Manehattan type of foolishness. Look—when Ah got an urge, Ah usually go over to Caramel—“
“Caramel?” Twilight’s eyes widened.
“Why do ya think Ah keep him as a farmhoof? He might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he knows how to git the job done right.”
“But . . . Big Mac—“
Applejack's eyes narrowed. “Are y'all serious? He's my brother. Ain't no way Ah'd ever even consider—“
“No, no, no! Not that! I meant to ask, if you aren't dating—“ Applejack shook her head— “then how does he feel about it? You being his younger sister and all? Shiny was very protective of me.”
“Oh. Well, Ah reckon he don't know.”
“How does—“
“Well, it ain't like Ah go back to the house and say, 'Hey, McIntosh, Ah'm going up to my room to canoodle with Caramel for a while.' It jest don't come up.”
“So how did this arrangement come about? Did you kinda get a crush on him when he was working the fields, and then treat him to a romantic dinner? Get to know him a little bit better before you—“
“Nope.” Applejack tipped her hat back. “Ah'd just been working in the orchard all day and knew what Ah really needed was a good swivving, so Ah went over to the grove where he was working, and . . . are ya sure ya want to know this? Have ya got a stallion you're interested in?”
“No, like I said, I got to talking with Rarity, and she has her ideas, and they just seem unrealistic.”
“Yeah, that mare's got her head farther in the clouds than Rainbow sometimes.” AJ adjusted her hat again. “Well, okay. So Ah went over to the grove where he was working, and Ah made sure Ah was upwind of him, so he'd get a good scent. We was weeding, like Ah'm doing today, and Ah waited until his head was down. Then Ah pissed right next ta one of the trees, an called out ta him. Told him there was weeds he's missed around the tree. He came trotting over, and as soon as the scent hit his nose, he kinda stopped and stuck it up in the air and wrinkled his lip back like ya do when ya get a scent ya wanna mull over.
“So, Ah kinda lifted my tail and started winking at him. I figured that'd get his attention, and it did. He was pretty hard before he even got over to where Ah was standing, and Ah told him to mount me right there.” She smiled faintly. “It was a beautiful spring day. Ah don't know why everypony seems to want to do it in a bed at night.”
“You . . . winked at him? Like this?” Twilight gave her most seductive wink, which came off as more of somepony with something in her eye leering at a stranger. “And then he just, with no preamble?”
“Not . . . no, Ah didn't wink with my eyelid.” Applejack nodded her head at her rump. “I winked back there.”
“Back there?”
“Oh, for Pete's sake, Twi. Haven't you ever seen a mare winking her lady bits?”
“That's what that means? I just thought it meant she really had to go to the bathroom or something! So that one time I saw my Mom and Dad come home after a romantic dinner and Mom was . . . and they ran right upstairs. . . .” Twilight suddenly galloped off, leaving Applejack staring at her retreating form in bewilderment. Finally, she turned her attention back to the orchard.
• • •
After a nice calming gallop twice around the perimeter of Ponyville, Twilight finally slowed down to a brisk walk to cool down. They're both healthy unicorns, she reminded herself. You're acting like a silly filly. You know they've done it—and probably still do—they've got you and Shiny.
“Hey Twilight!” Pinkie pronked merrily alongside the lathered unicorn. “I saw you galloping around town and I thought maybe you were running from a monster but I didn't have any weird twitches or pinches, so then I thought you must be running 'cause it's fun, so I ran, too, and then I hopped 'cause it's funner, and here I am!”
“Pinkie, have you ever—“ Twilight stuck her tongue out. “Nope. If you wanted to—“ She looked at the energetic pink pony cheerfully hopping next to her and suddenly decided that research or not, there were some things she didn't want to know, chief among them any details whatsoever about Pinkie's love life. “If I wanted to find Rainbow Dash,where would I? Find her?”
“She was out at the lake! You missed her, because you were so focused on galloping and making sure that your hooves and legs kept up the perfect cadence bah-dah-BUM bah-dah-BUM. You should go back to the lake to see her, and maybe jump in the lake 'cause you're all sweaty, and I know Rarity says the spa is nice—and it is—but some days nothing beats a good dip in a cool lake! Ooh!” Pinkie's ears both flopped and her tail stuck out straight for a second. “Gotta go—party emergency!”
Pinkie shot off towards Ponyville in a pink blur. Twilight turned and headed towards the lake.
• • •
Rainbow Dash was sunning herself in a lounge chair, fast asleep. Twilight took Pinkie's advice and jumped in the lake—even though she hadn't brought any of her swimming supplies or her Beginner's Guide to Having fun at a Beach: Inland Lake Edition.
The cool water cleared her head, and she shook herself off in the shallows, wishing she had a towel to dry her coat the rest of the way. For some reason, she'd never bothered to learn a drying spell, even though they were fairly simple and common.
Rainbow pushed her shades up her forehead. “Twilight? What are you doing out here?”
“Research?”
“Is it on how awesome I am?
“No . . . I was wondering about, uh, courtship behavior among different ponies. I read a book Rarity recommended, and it was so complicated a way to get a stallion. But Rarity said that was how she’d do it. So I asked Applejack, and she had a more direct approach, and—“
“Wait, wait, wait.” Rainbow leaned forward on her chaise. “Are you asking about getting laid? No—researching getting laid? Are you writing an article for Playmare or Pegasluts?”
“What? No!” Twilight looked at Rainbow curiously. “Do they publish scholarly articles?”
“Uh, duh! There's, like, dozens of pages of words.”
“But are they scholarly? I thought they only accepted thinly-disguised erotic fiction that purports to be a real experience.”
“How the hay would I know? It's not like I read the articles. Anyway, you came to the right pony. I can get laid quicker than any other pony in Equestria. Why—I can get the deed done in ten seconds flat.”
“You can attract a mate in ten seconds?”
“Pfft. Attract and finish,” she proudly declared.
“I . . . sex isn't a race. It's not about how fast you can do it. It's supposed to be physical and emotional and satisfying for both partners. I can't imagine a stallion who'd be happy with only ten seconds of pleasure.”
“Well . . . .” Rainbow looked down.
“Or a mare, if that's your preference. It takes me at least ten minutes, assuming I'm already in the mood, of course. I suppose it might be quicker with a partner, but—“
“Woah, Twi! TMI! I so did not need or want to know any of that." Rainbow flopped back in her chair. “Urgh. I'm better than Applejack, and don't let her tell you different. But I'm an athlete at the top of my game, so what I do won't work for just anypony.” She glanced around the beach, before beckoning Twilight closer. “Listen,” she whispered. “If you wanna get the real dirt for your article, you should ask Fluttershy.”
"Fluttershy?” Twilight exclaimed.
“Ssh! Yeah, she's got a . . . thing, for big, quiet stallions. If you know what I mean.”
“Fluttershy?”
“Big Mac and Bulk Biceps.”
“No.”
“Why else would she be in the Ponytones?”
“She likes to sing!”
“And she goes to Sweet Apple Acres all the time.”
“To help out with the poultry!”
“Oh, it's not the rooster she's interested in. And what about on the train and stuff with Bulk Biceps? She couldn't keep her hooves off him!”
“They were training for the relay!” But there was a nugget of doubt in Twilight's rationalization.
“Right, 'training.' She likes 'em big and strong.”
“Really.”
“And quiet. Probably why nopony knows. But, listen—I'm doing you a favor, for your 'research.' Don't tell her I told you, okay? She doesn't like to talk about it.”
“I won't.” Twilight licked her lips. “I just . . . it's hard to picture.”
“Yeah.” Rainbow watched as Twilight left the beach, headed in the direction of Fluttershy's cottage. As soon as she disappeared over the rise, Rainbow fell out of her lounge chair, rolling around on the sand and braying out laughter. “Oh, Pinkie, I wish you'd heard that! It was just the best prank ever! I can only imagine the look on Fluttershy's face when Twilight asks her. . . .
“Oh, I've gotta see this.” She looked up on the sky, scanning for a loose cloud that would be out of Twilight’s sight if she looked back. Spotting one, Rainbow streaked up to the cloud. As soon as she was on top, she wrapped her hooves around the edges and began the journey to Fluttershy's cottage.
She waited on her cloud until Twilight had entered the humble cottage, then slowly descended to rooftop level, stopping right above an open living room window. Rainbow and her cloud almost instantly turned into a bird perch, but she didn't care. It was worth it to witness firsthoof the end result of the Greatest Prank Ever.
• • •
“So what brings you over today? It isn't Owlwolicious, is it?”
“No, he's fine.” Twilight took a polite sip of her tea.
“It's just that, um, we hardly ever see him.”
“He is nocturnal,” Twilight unnecessarily reminded her. “It's more of a friendship question.”
“Friendship?”
“Yes. For the Princess.” Twilight picked up the cup again and took another sip, her mind racing. “Er, in Canterlot, things aren't always done the same way as in a smaller town.”
“There are so many ponies,” Fluttershy said.
“Yes. And there are certain rituals that just aren't the same. Like Winter Wrap-Up!”
“They don't wrap up winter in Canterlot?”
“No. I mean, yes, but not the same way as in Ponyville. It's all handled by unicorns. Lots of spells.”
“That would be interesting to see,” Fluttershy said dubiously.
“Other things, too. Like, there's a harvest festival in Ponyville where farmers show off their crops. They don't have that in Canterlot, either.” She cringed inwardly—she could already sense that this conversation was getting as convoluted as any romantic plot in any romance novel ever. But how else to broach the subject? Fluttershy would just shut down if she asked directly.
“Um—“
“When I got to Ponyville, there was even a different way of making friends for me. And I was tasked with learning more about friendship, remember?"
Fluttershy nodded. “Are you wondering how Rarity and I became friends?”
“Not exactly.” Twilight drained her teacup. “I—well, I was on a date last night. With a stallion. It didn't go very well.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry.”
“I don't think he would have been the right pony for me,” Twilight admitted. “But it would have been nice to, you know.”
Fluttershy nodded.
“So I thought maybe my approach had been wrong.” Twilight looked down at the table as Fluttershy reached over and touched her pastern reassuringly. “Maybe things are done differently here in Ponyville.”
“I'm not sure that I—“
“I've noticed that the ratio here of mares to stallions is pretty skewed, so they're probably pretty picky.”
Fluttershy nodded.
“So it must be difficult to find a stallion to date.” Twilight looked into Fluttershy's eyes. “Let alone two.”
As Fluttershy jerked her hoof back in shock, Twilight thought she heard faint laughter from outside the cottage, although with all the animals running around the place, it was hard to be sure.
Flutttershy squeaked out something inaudible, bleated once, and then fell on her side.
• • •
It was fortunate that Twilight knew where Fluttershy kept her smelling salts, and after breaking a few capsules under the pegasus’ nostrils, Fluttershy finally came to again. Twilight offered her a cup of linden tea, and she sipped on it gratefully. When she’d finished her cup she looked over at Twilight, slightly disappointed that the unicorn was still there.
“I suppose you still want to know about my, um, lovers.”
Twilight nodded.
“Well, the thing with Big Mac started after cider season, two years ago.”
“So before I even got to Ponyville?”
“Yes.”
“You've been fucking Big Mac for two years and I only just now found out?”
“It, um, sounds so crude when you put it that way.”
Twilight glared at her.
“We'd been drinking. But it was fun, and we both wanted to try again when we were sober. So we did.”
“What about when Big Mac was seeing Cheerilee?”
“Oh. Well, I couldn't be mad at him, since it wasn't his fault.”
“That's a good point. What about Bulk Biceps?”
“Um, I've known him for years—ever since flight camp. We got separated when I moved to Ponyville, but then he moved here, too, and he started coming over, and eventually one thing led to another.”
“So that was before you met Big Mac?”
“No, I'd known him almost as long as I lived in Ponyville.”
“I meant 'met,' as in 'did the deed.'"
“In that case, yes.”
“He wasn't jealous?”
“He has other mares.”
“And Big Mac?”
She nodded. “Him, too. Plus, there was the thing with Cheerilee.”
“Yes.”
“And it was a good opportunity for me.”
“How so?”
“Well . . . I had to punish him.”
“I thought you weren't mad at him.”
“I wasn't, so I didn't want it to be a mean punishment.”
“So.”
“I . . . um . . . went on a date with him and Bulk Biceps.”
“Like, a double date?”
“Well, sort of.” Fluttershy's ears dropped, but then perked right back up. “I was the only mare.”
“So.”
Fluttershy nodded.
“And then?”
She nodded again.
“Both of them?”
Another nod.
“And you let Bulk go first as punishment?”
“No, that would have been mean.”
“But if Big Mac went first—“
“They both went first.”
Twilight's jaw dropped. From outside, she heard a very distinctive thud that sounded very much like an eavesdropping pegasus collapsing in shock.
“How did they—actually, don't tell me.” Twilight gave Fluttershy a calculating look. “And, this has been going on ever since the love poison incident?”
Fluttershy's silence was all the answer Twilight needed.
“Why?”
“Um, why not?”
• • •
“I have a letter for the Princess,” Twilight said.
“I'm on it!" Spike grabbed a quill and a blank piece of parchment. Dear Princess Celestia—
“I already wrote it,” she said. “I'm sorry, Spike. It's something . . . personal.”
“But. . . .” Spike dropped the quill. “You tell me everything. I—you aren't asking her for a replacement, are you? First Owlowlicious, and now. . . .”
“Oh, Spike.” Twilight swept him up in a hug. “No, I'm not asking her for a new assistant. You're my baby brother . . . but this letter isn't something you should read. Listen—you remember when I explained the birds and the bees to you?”
“I can't get those pictures out of my head. Did you have to put that much detail into something that's supposed to be fun to play with?”
“Be glad I haven't gotten to venereal diseases yet,” Twilight muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. This is on a . . . similar subject.”
Spike scratched a claw on his head. “So, does that mean that you're . . . with a colt? Like, with with?”
“No, it's—“
“A mare?”
“No! It has nothing to do with my sex life! Which is currently limited to my own hoo—just send the damn letter and then we'll both have ice cream and forget that we ever had this conversation.”