Gabe Newell challenges Celestia to a competitive gaming match, the title kinda speaks for itself.
Gabe Newell, our lord and savor of PC gaming was sitting on his throne of money and graphics cards one day when he decides that he needs to travel to Equestria and challenge Princess Celestia (as well as Princess Twilight) to a competitive match of Counter Strike: Global Offensive, Team Fortress 2, and Dota 2. Celestia (having nothing better to do) takes Gabe up on his offer and accepts his challenge.
Join this edge of your seat story (note: there are no guarantees that you'll be on the edge of your seat) as Gabe and Celestia game it out in a tournament to determine who gets an exclusive TF2 item!
Also Mike Harrington is in the story too, and Twilight, and Luna doesn't come into the story until towards the end so... Yeah, look forward to that I guess.
Rated T because of the occasional swearing, but they're not abused. It's more like a fine seasoning, they're added just in the right parts and in the right moments to make it a perfect comedy filet.
Hope you enjoy it! And if you don't enjoy it, please feel free to tell me how I'm a terrible person. It's what the comment section is there for.
Gabe Newell Challenges Celestia To A Competitive Gaming Match
Unfortunately written by: That_Gamer_Scout
Gabe Newell was sitting on his throne made of money and graphics cards in his office at Valve Software, he was bored. Sure he had it all: he was the god of PC gaming, he was loved by gamers everywhere, he was even about to start the annual summer sale in about a week or two. But something was missing…
Gabe reached over to pick up his iPad, he was going to look up some Youtube videos or maybe read the hundreds upon hundreds of emails of people asking where Half-Life 3 was. As he hit the on button he noticed something: his iPad wallpaper was of the show ‘My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic’, Gabe was a brony, a tear came to Gabe’s eye. He loved the show as it reminded him of how beautiful PC gaming is, just then an idea came to our lord and savior of PC gaming.
Maybe, just maybe, if I challenge a pony to a round of Counter Strike: Global Offensive, Team Fortress 2, and Dota 2. Bronies around the world will become PC gamers just in time for the sale!
Gabe nodded to himself and smiled, it was a perfect plan! But… Who would he challenge? It had to be a princess after all, someone of high status to capture the attention of bronies worldwide. Either that or challenge the fan favorite Fluttershy, but that was out of the question. Gabe didn’t want to accidentally scare the shit out of her with the loud sounds and flashing visuals of a shooter like CS:GO or TF2, after all, Gabe was a kind and loving god of gaming who only liked scaring the shit out of peoples bank accounts from starting up an annual sale.
Hmm… Gabe pondered to himself atop his glorious throne while staring at his iPad wallpaper. I know what! I’ll challenge Celestia and Twilight, they’re both princesses! This’ll work perfectly!
Gabe stopped to think this through, yes, this would work. But bronies everywhere would be pissed Luna wasn’t involved. But Gabe carefully thought this through, Luna would most likely be asleep. It was daytime after all and he didn’t want to be rude and keep her awake all day for a video game tournament, he’ll just meet up with her for the afterparty.
There was one problem though, who was going to come with him? He needed someone to back him up, Gabe quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nokia phone. (because it was the only phone that wouldn’t immediately explode by the presence of Gabe and the sheer awesomeness he exhumed, well, until the ‘Valve Phone’ would finally come out of it’s development cycle but that could take years. It was scheduled under ‘Valve Time’ so to Gabe and the rest of the gaming community it meant that it could literally take forever for it to see the light of day) Gabe quickly dialed the phone pressing the buttons with his large beautiful sausage fingers, he pressed call as the name ‘Mike Harrington’ flashed onto the phone screen, he then held the phone up to his ear.
“Mike!” weezed Gabe. “Mike, I need you back”
“Ugh!” grunted Mike on the other end. “Gabe, I told you I’m not coming back to Valve. Quit calling me, that’s the third time this week”
“No, Mike, this is something different, just hear me out”
“Ugh… Alright Gabe what is it?”
“Mike, I’m going to go to the magical land of Equestria to challenge two alicorns to a competitive gaming match so bronies worldwide will become PC gamers. You up for it?”
“...”
“Mike?”
“...Sure, why not”
“Great! I’ll see you there!”
Gabe jumped down from his throne and quickly ran over to a cabinet full of desktop PCs, Gabe quickly grabbed a pile of PCs and ran over to his desk and pushed a button on his desk phone labeled ‘Secretary’. The phone rang of a second or two before it was picked up as a woman's voice came through the speaker.
“Mr. Newell”
“Hey Karen, clear my schedule. I’m going to go play video games with some ponies”
“You don’t have a schedule Mr. Newell”
“Excelent! That’ll be all Karen”
“Mr. Newell, are you going to have me do some actual work or do you honestly just want me to sit here and get payed to play video games all da…”
Gabe quickly hangs up the phone as stuffs the PCs into a large travel pack and walks out of his office. On his way out he spots an employee walking by.
“Oh, hey Johnson” says Gabe as he waves at the employee
“Hey Mr. Newell!”
“Can you do me a favor really quick?”
“Sure thing Mr. Newell, what do you need?”
“I need you to sacrifice a wallet to give me the strength I need to travel across dimensions, here, use this one” Gabe then pulls a wallet from his back pocket and hands it to Johnson.
“Again? Alright then, sure thing Mr. Newell”
To most people, this would be unusual. But to the employees of Valve Software it wasn’t unusual for Gabe to request a wallet sacrifice, it gave him strength during the times in between sales when he wasn’t as flooded with money as he usually is. After all, a wallet sacrifice isn’t nearly as bad as EA’s CEO who gains strength by making good games terrible or Ubisoft’s CEO who releases a bunch of sequels and shuts down the Uplay servers just to screw with people.
Johnson held the wallet up into the air as he then pulled a few dollars from it and carefully arranged the dollars on the floor into the shape of a 3, he then pulled out a pocket knife and stabbed the wallet repeatedly and dumped the newly shredded dollars onto the 3 on the floor.
“Nice, very nice” Gabe says as he gives Johnson a thumbs up “here, take this. You earned it”
Gabe reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $20 Steam wallet code.
“Thanks Gabe!”
“Run along you little scamp”
Gabe ruffles his hair in a loving, totally not gay, way as Johnson quickly runs back to his desk with wallet code in hand.
“Now then, it’s time”
Gabe raises his arms in the air as a vortex with a spinning Steam logo appears around him, and in the blink of an eye Gabe was gone.
---
It was a normal day in Equestria, things were quiet, not even a friendship problem. Celestia was sitting on her throne a little bored.
Sometimes when Celestia gets bored she likes to sit on her throne and just look across the throne room and think: yeah, I’m the princess of this castle, I’m the #1 around here, you’d all be so screwed without me.
Just then a vortex appeared in the throne room as Gabe stepped out of it, normally anypony would be surprised or shocked by the sudden and seemingly random appearance of a strange portal with a strange creature stepping out of it. But Celestia was so used to shit going from 0 to 100 on the ‘what the fuck?’ meter that she really didn’t give a shit at this point.
“So… Who are you then?” Celestia asked the strange, large sized man
Gabe takes off his travelpack and responds “I’m Gabe Newell of Valve Software”
“Gabe… Is… Is it really you?”
Suddenly, a surge of memories flooded through Celestias mind, it was years and years ago when she was just a filly. But she distinctly remembers a younger man who was traveling across dimensions to research stuff for an upcoming game he was going to call ‘Half-Life’, though he didn’t stay in Equestria long he did leave behind video game technology, he was a legend to gamers all across Equestria, he even had an old pony tale written about him titled ‘Gaben of Valve’.
Celestia was taken back by his sudden arrival, why was he back?
“Mr. Newell…”
“Please, call me Gabe” he says with a voice that would melt the hearts of a million steam users.
“As you wish, Gabe” says Celestia with a voice that would melt the hearts of a billion bronies. “So, why’d you return?”
Gabe reached into his travel pack as he withdrew a desktop PC.
“Because Celestia, I challenge you and princess Twilight to a competitive gaming match”
Celestia let out a big grin, it wasn’t often that something exciting and fun happened at the castle, usually she had to ruin the Grand Galloping Gala for that. She was so overcome by excitement that she couldn’t hold it in any longer, she quickly jumped down from her throne.
“You’re on!”
Celestia quickly stopped and composed herself, she has to stay regal, she is a princess after all. Though she was happy that she could get this excited about something other than cake.
“But, all in good fun”
Gabe smiled back, but in a friendly way, not like in a weird way. “Of course, but the winner of the match gets a exclusive TF2 item”
Celestia didn’t even know what a ‘TF2 exclusive item’ was, but for some reason something deep down inside of her screamed ‘you want this item!’.
“Hmm” said Celestia as she rubbed her hoof under her chin. “Alright then Gabe, I’ll write to Twilight right now”
Celestia quickly levitated a pen, inkwell, and scroll over to her and begun writing to Twilight. Celestia always enjoyed Twilight's company and she hoped that this event would get her out of the house more as Celestia was sure that Twilight was literally a book addict.
Celestia rolled up the newly written letter and sent it off with a teleportation spell, she looked over at Gabe who had set up a large table with monitors, headsets, keyboards, mouses, and desktop PCs in a full Major League Gaming like setup. Gabe quickly pulled out his phone and quickly dialed Mike’s number.
“Mike!” coughed Gabe “Mike, where are you?”
“I’m almost there Gabe, just give me a minute”
After a few minutes the doors opened in the throne room as Mike quickly walked in.
“What took you so long Mike?”
“I had to take the bus, my car wouldn’t start”
Celestia looked at the man named Mike, he looked about the same age as Gabe though he was half his size… Not in height, but in weight.
“Who’s this?”
“This is, uh, Mike Harrington. Former co-founder of Valve”
Mike gave a little wave to Celestia. “Hi, how you doin’?”
Just then the doors flew open again as Twilight quickly ran in.
“Princess!” she yelled as she ran in. “Are you in trouble!?”
Celestia rolled her eyes, it seemed like every time Celestia invited Twilight to the castle the purple alicorn was always either freaking the fuck out or thinking something was wrong.
“No Twilight, I invited you here because Gabe Newell has challenged us to a video game match”
“Gabe Newell!?” Twilight said with excited curiosity. “You mean THE Gabe Newell of legends old?”
Twilight knew the legend ‘Gaben of Valve’ like the back of her hoof just like many, many, many other books. Like the book horse she was.
Celestia looked at Twilight thinking I should totally troll her right now, I should say something like ‘yeah he’s back and he’s come to take all your books’ or something like that. But Celestia decided it would just be a better idea to get this tournament setup as soon as possible.
“Yes Twilight, he’s that Gabe Newell”
“Wow!” Twilight quickly turned towards Gabe “I’ve never played video games, but I’ve read books about them”
Mike quickly turns towards Gabe. “Gabe, you sure about this?”
Gabe turned towards Mike and looked into his eyes passionately. “Mike, we’ve come all this way, we can’t turn back now. I’ve already challenged them, we can’t back down now”
Gabe turned towards Twilight smiling a warm smile that would only come from a man as majestic and beautiful as Gabe Newell. “Well then Twilight, it looks like we’ll have to get you a Steam account”
“Not to interrupt” interrupts Celestia “but what are we going to play first?”
Gabe turns towards Celestia and looked into her eyes (though less passionately than when he was looking into Mike’s eyes) and says with a stern but kind voice “Counter Strike: Global Offensive”
Gabe Newell Challenges Celestia To A Competitive Gaming Match (Chapter 2)
Unfortunately written by: That_Gamer_Scout
The Counter-Strike Round
This event became one of the biggest events in all of Equestria; Gabe Newell vs. Princess Celestia in an all out 5v5 match to determine who is more MLG (and in turn get an exclusive TF2 item), ponies around the world flocked to the castle to watch such a grand event, as well as millions and millions of Steam users getting online to watch the stream live.
Loading de_dust2... Player Gabe has joined the game Player Gabe joined team Terrorists Player Mike has joined the game Player Mike joined team Terrorists Player jmccaskey has joined the game Player jmccaskey joined team Terrorists Player Drunken F00l has joined the game Player Drunken F00l joined team Terrorists Player JacobU has joined the game Player JacobU joined team Terrorists Player PrinCelestia has joined the game Player PrinCelestia joined team Counter-Terrorists Player TwiSprkle has joined the game Player TwiSprkle joined team Counter-Terrorists Player CptnShiningArmor has joined the game Player CptnShiningArmor joined team Counter-Terrorists Player FlashSentry has joined the game Player FlashSentry joined team Counter-Terrorists Player Cadance has joined the game Player Cadance joined team Counter-Terrorists
Mike stands up and says to everyone “The rules are simple, the terrorists are trying to plant the bomb at site A or B, the counter-terrorists are trying to stop them. The T’s win if the bomb detonates or all CT’s are dead. The CT’s win if the bomb is diffused or all the T’s are dead. Every round each team gets more money to buy better weapons and the winning team gets a cash bonus. There will be 30 rounds, after the first 15 rounds the teams will switch, and the first team to reach 16 points wins. Also no auto-snipers, those are for noobs”
Everyone puts their headsets on as they place their hands and hooves on their keyboards and mouses.
“Mike!” vomits Gabe. “let’s do this!”
Round 1
Shining Armor stares at his screen, confused, and turns towards Twilight.
“Twily, what am I supposed to do?”
Twilight stares at her screen confused. “Uh… I don’t know, this wasn’t covered in any of my books”
Celestia facehooved before getting the attention of her team. “Everypony, just follow my lead”
Round 5
Terrorists: 4 Counter-Terrorists: 0
Counter-Strike was not an easy to learn game for beginners like Celestia, Twilight, and the rest of the pony crew. They were getting their asses handed to them; they were getting AWP’ed from across the map, flashbanged around every corner, and the livestream chat was going crazy.
Celestia composed herself and took a quick glance at the livestream chat.
Pootman: dude, celestia is getting rekt
hollahollaget$: praise lord Gaben!
Ermack [LEC]: celestia needs to get gud
Lightning: Don’t lose hope celestia, us bronies still <3 u
burripo: Love isn’t going to get you un-rekt
[WRaP] Pierate: ^lol
It was true, Celestia was getting ‘rekt’ and she knew it. She had to devise a new plan, and fast.
“Alright everypony listen up. Me and Shining Armor will watch B, everypony else watch A”
The game starts as Celestia and Shining Armor make their way towards B, as they cross the middle point Celestia gets shot by Gaben with an AWP.
Celestia throws off her headset “Horse Apples!”
Shining Armor quickly equips his P90 and runs to a corner at bombsite B, he was alone now. With everypony else watching A all he could do was clutch if anyone came to B... And just then, he heard footsteps in the tunnels to B.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” screams Shining Armor as he runs around the corner and sprays bullets everywhere killing all five terrorists as the announcer announces.
“Counter-Terrorists Win”
The Valve employees let out a collective groan as the ponies all jump up from their seats cheering.
“We won one! We won one!”
They all quickly sit back down as Celestia announces to her team confidently.
“It can only go up from here!”
Round 10
Terrorists: 8 Counter-Terrorists: 1
“Why is everypony always using an AWP!?” yells a frustrated Shining Armor.
Round 12
Terrorists: 9 Counter-Terrorists: 2
“I said no auto-snipers!” yells Mike.
Round 15
Terrorists: 12 Counter-Terrorists: 2
“Terrorists Win”
The in-game chat is filled almost instantly as the scoreboard appears on-screen with the words “The teams will now be switched”
“Alright everypony” says Celestia who (at this point) was two parts annoyed and three parts irritated. “now, we might not be able to win this. But we can come out with a tie”
The game starts as everyone quickly buys their weapons spending every last cent on any grenade or gun they’ll need, the timer counts down and once it reaches zero all mayhem breaks loose: grenades, flashbangs, and molotovs flung everywhere, bullets whizzed by as everyone was either carrying an AWP or some sort of machine gun, smoke grenades filled the air with so much smoke that the current map could be confused for Snoop Dogg’s house.
“Come on everypony! We can do it!”
Just then a CT ran through the smoke carrying a Netgev and sprayed bullets everywhere finishing off the pony team.
“Aaaaaaaaaaagh!” groaned the pony team as the announcer said.
“Alright everyone, this is the Team Fortress round and the rules are also simple. Whichever team captures the intel three times wins the game. That’s pretty much it”
“Mike!” barfs Gabe “let’s do this!”
The pony team enters a quick huddle.
“Alright everypony, we lost the Counter-Strike round. But I heard that Team Fortress is an easier game to learn. So let’s give it our all!”
The pony team quickly jumps back to their PCs as the game loads up.
Loading 2fort... Player Gabe has joined the game Player Gabe joined team Red Player Mike has joined the game Player Mike joined team Red Player jmccaskey has joined the game Player jmccaskey joined team Red Player Drunken F00l has joined the game Player Drunken F00l joined team Red Player JacobU has joined the game Player JacobU joined team Red Player PrinCelestia has joined the game Player PrinCelestia joined team Blu Player TwiSprkle has joined the game Player TwiSprkle joined team Blu Player CptnShiningArmor has joined the game Player CptnShiningArmor joined team Blu Player FlashSentry has joined the game Player FlashSentry joined team Blu Player Cadance has joined the game Player Cadance joined team Blu
Everyone spawns in as the administrator counts down on the clock.
“Mission begins in thirty seconds”
Everyone on RED starts doing the conga
“Mission begins in ten seconds”
Everyone on RED starts square dancing.
“5…”
Everyone on RED starts doing the Kazotsky kick.
“4… 3… 2… 1”
The starting alarm sounds as everyone rushes out on both sides.
*Many hours later*
Both teams were neck and neck with two intel captures on each side, only one team had to secure the intelligence one more time to ensure victory.
Gabe was playing as his favorite class (the Spy) as he was mere steps away from the intel room, he quickly cloaks and disguises once he hears footsteps. A Pyro guarding the intel, Gabe hovered his crosshair over the Pyro as the name ‘Cadence’ appeared on screen. Gabe quickly studied his surroundings and noticed that, if he was quick enough, he could de-cloak behind her and quickly get in a backstab. Gabe made his way around Cadence as his cloak was near depletion, he quickly un-cloaked, Cadence didn’t notice, Gabe rushed over and quickly hit the left mouse button, backstab! Too easy...
Beep
Before Gabe could react it was too late, that beep was from an all too familiar sound: a sentry gun. Before he had the chance to even move the sentry sent a storm of bullets straight through Gabe. The deathcam panned over to his killer as a name appears on screen.
Killed by ‘PrinCelestia’s’ sentry gun.
“Alert, the enemy has taken our intelligence!”
What!? Was no-one watching the intel?!
“I got it, I got it!” yells Flash Sentry who was playing as the Scout.
“Don’t let him get away!” yells Mike.
It was a race against the clock as Flash quickly ran out of the intel room, he quickly ran up the stairs and out to mid where the entirety of RED team was chasing him. His HP was dropping: 115, 85, 55, 35. Twilight, Shining Armor, and a newly re-spawned Cadence quickly ran to his aid. Bullets, rockets, fire, and bombs flew everywhere as Flash quickly made his way down the Blu team staircase and into his intel room where he quickly dropped off the briefcase as the screen then displays ‘Blu team wins’.
The pony team quickly hops into the air as they all jump into a group hug.
“We did it! We did it!” exclaims Twilight.
“Hmm, that was a very good play” says Gabe as he adjusts his glasses and says with confidence. “but it’s not over yet, this just leads us into our final round: the Dota 2 round”
The Dota 2 Round
Mike stands up.
“Ok, well the rules for Dota 2 aren’t as simple as CS: GO or TF2, so…”
Mike reaches down and pulls up a very large book labeled ‘All You Need To Know About Dota 2’ as Twilight perks up upon seeing the giant book.
“Dota 2 is a game where…”
“Sister!”
Everyone stops immediately and turns their attention towards the new voice.
Celestia quickly stands up from her chair. “Luna?”
“Yes, it’s me!” she says as she storms over to Celestia.
“Sister, did we wake you? I’m deeply sorry if...”
“No!” she quickly retorts. “It’s almost time to lower the sun, but that’s not important right now. What I want to know is why are you in a video game tournament, and why didn’t you invite me?!”
“Well… I just didn’t want to wake you”
“Tia...” Luna takes a deep breath and lets out a big sigh. “no offense sister, but you're not a gamer like me, you’re a newb, now move aside”
Luna pushes Celestia aside, puts on her headset and sits down at her PC.
“I’m going to win this”
*Many hours later*
“Just go after the Ancient! Focus on the Ancient!”
The pony team quickly moves in on the Dire Ancient quickly clicking away on their mouse buttons.
“How did they destroy our towers so fast?!” yells Gabe
“One… More… Second!”
The Dire Ancient quickly crumbles as the words ‘Radiant wins’ appear on screen
“Yes!”
The pony team quickly jumps from their seats as they all run into a group hug, cheering, and bouncing up and down.
Gabe slowly takes off his glasses and rubs his forehead.
“Dang it Mike, we lost... I really wanted that TF2 item”
Mike puts his hand on Gabe’s shoulder.
“Hey, don’t feel bad Gabe. How about we delay Half-Life 3 again, will that make you feel better?”
Gabe nods. “Yeah, a little”
Mike reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone as he calls Valve.
“Hey, it’s Mike… Gabe wants to delay Half-Life 3 again… Yes, again… Ok I’ll tell him”
Mike hangs up the phone.
“They delayed it for 15 more years”
Gabe smiles a little.
“Really?”
“Really”
Gabe sits back in his chair and looked into Mike’s eyes passionately.
“You’re right Mike, that did make me feel better”
“Yeah… I know Gabe...”
They awkwardly stare at each other for another ten minutes before Luna quickly runs over.
“So?... What now?”
Gabe puts his glasses back on.
“Afterparty”
Pinkie Pie literally appears right the fuck out of nowhere.
“Did somepony say party!”
“What the fuck?!” yells Gabe as he falls out of his chair from getting the shit scared out of him.
Luckily for us, Gabe didn’t die of a heart attack last chapter. From being scared that is, not because he’s fat because he totally isn’t! He’s just has really flabby muscles!
The after party was off to a great start, and of course Pinkie Pie was the one who organized it (because who else could? Somepony else? This is MLP, of course Pinkie organized it). The party was being held at Applejack’s big ass barn who prepared a shit ton of hard apple cider, well, she didn’t intentionally make it hard cider… Gabe just poured a bottle of vodka into the barrel.
Mike rolled Gabe over to Celestia, Gabe stood up and burped loudly as he extended his hand.
“Congratulations on your win”
Celestia lets out a little, semi-drunk, laugh and shakes Gabe’s hand. “Oh, well, thanks. That was a lot of fun. Honestly, my sister was the big reason we won tonight”
Luna quickly runs over and pokes Gabe in the side. “Ha, looks like we beat ya Gaben”
Gabe laughs as he pokes Luna back “Yeah, whatever Woona”
“It’s Lu, and you know that!”
Celestia shakes her head. “Wait!... You know each other?”
Luna rolls her eyes. “Yeah sister, we’re Steam friends, we game all the time”
“Wah?!”
Luna rolls her eyes again as she turns towards Gabe. “Sorry Gabe, my sister is such a scrub”
Gabe laughs and takes a drink from his cup. “That’s quite alright Lu”
“So Gabe, now that you’re here in person… When are you going to release Half-Life 3?”
“Umm…” Gabe quickly pulls out his iPad and opens Google Docs as he selects a document titled ‘List Of Excuses’
Loading… Error Document Cannot Be Loaded
“This isn’t working…” Gabe quickly looks around and spots Mike, Gabe quickly grabs him and puts him in front of Luna
“Here, Mike will tell you why”
Luna stares at Mike as Mike quickly thinks of a reason why.
“Uh… It’s because Valve is still working on the Source 2 engine”
Gabe nods and whispers to Mike. “Nice work Mike, have a cookie” he says as he shoves a cookie into his back pocket, slaps his ass, and pushes him aside.
Celestia then walks over to Gabe pushing Luna out of the way.
“So Gabe, what’s a ‘TF2 Exclusive Item’?”
“It’s an in game item your character wears to show that you’re better than someone else”
“Oh…”
Applejack walks over carrying cups on a tray on her back.
“Ya’ll need more drinks?”
---
“HA HA HA!” laughs Gabe. “No, freaking, way!”
“Yes way!” Celestia quickly retorts. “And the best part is; I’m the one who invited Discord to the Gala”
“Ooooooh! Man!” Gabe and Celestia take a swig from their fourth drink. “That’s crazy!”
Luna stumbles over to the table “So… Gabe, you got any stories to tell”
“Uh…”
Mike comes out from under the table.
“Mike!” burps Gabe “what the heck were you doing under there!?”
“Umm… I was reading…”
“What!?”
Just then, Twilight comes out from under the table carrying the book ‘All You Need To Know About Dota 2’
“You know what, Mike, let’s tell them the story of Half-Life”
“Uh… Alright”
“Shut up Mike I’m talking!”
Gabe pulls out a scrapbook out of nowhere with the title ‘My First Half-Life’
“This story all starts where most miracles happen. In a small, crowded, office. When we first started; Valve was little more than an organization of geeks. Unlike now which is an organization of geeks with a shit ton of money, but I’m getting off track. Anyway, we we’re making a new game at the time on a modified quake engine. It was going to be a story driven, intuitive, first person shooter, which at the time was revolutionary. So we made it, it released to major success and critical acclaim, we created Steam, we made millions, released three more sequels, and delayed the last and final sequel for all time so no one will ever know how the story will end. But, you know, I’ll eventually release it sometime...”
Mike looks into Gabe’s eyes
“We sure had a good run Gabe…”
“Yeah Mike… We did…”
“So… Gabe” Mike pulls at his shirt collar.
“Yeah Mike…”
“I think… I think I’ll take up your offer on coming back to Valve, if you know what I mean”
“Yeah Mike… I get what you mean” Gabe extends his arm around Mike. “And all I gotta say is… You’re fired”
“What?”
“You heard me” Gabe pushes Mike aside. “You’re fired, get the fuck outta here”
“Well… I… Screw you Gabe!”
Mike storms off holding up two middle fingers at Gabe and everypony else in the barn as he makes his way out the door.
“Screw you Gabe, and screw all of you! I’m outta here bitches! I’m gonna catch the late bus, assholes!”
Mike slams the barn door as everyone goes back to drinking as Gabe’s phone alarm goes off.
“Oh look at that, time to start the sale”
Gabe pulls a button panel from his pocket with three buttons with glass cases around each button. Each button was labeled, the first button was labeled ‘Steam Update’ (this button looked heavily used), the second button was labeled ‘Release Half-Life 3’ (the glass case around this button was super-glued shut), and the third button was labeled ‘Start Seasonal Sale’, Gabe lifts the glass case and presses the button as he quickly looks at his bank account info on his iPad. Almost instantly money was being flooded into his account; hundreds, millions, billions of dollars were being deposited into his account.
“Well, looks like I gotta go”
“Aw!” groans Luna. “Don’t go yet Gabe, we didn’t even get to have a LAN party”
Gabe looks at Luna, Celestia, Twilight, and the rest of the ponies.
“Well, how about a parting gift”
Gabe reaches his right hand into his fat folds and pulls out a handful of Steam machines as he reaches his left hand into his pocket and pulls out a handful of Steam VR headsets. as tosses them to everypony in the barn.
“Woah” Luna levitates one of the headsets over to herself as she examines it closely. “No way! Thanks Gabe!”
“It’s the least I could do, now, I must be off”
Twilight quickly steps forward. “But… When will you return”
Gabe smiles. “I’ll return when I’m needed. Like PC gaming, no matter how bleak the times may seem, and no matter how many butthurt console peasants gang up on us, I will always be there”
Gabe raises his arms in the air as a vortex with a spinning Steam logo appears around him.
“Farewell my friends”
All the ponies in the barn wave goodbye as Gabe disappears.
Celestia clears her throat. “Well, that was fun”
Twilight quickly turns to Celestia. “Does this mean you won’t ruin the Gala this year?”
