Common maladies are never common for Discord...
Fluttershy trots along the well worn forest path through the Everfree Forest, the Cutie Mark Crusaders keeping pace beside her. Up ahead, the path widens out into a familiar clearing. As they approach Zecora’s hut however, the four cannot help but notice that she has company.
In front of the cottage Zecora stands smiling, as she casually fields questions being thrown at her by none other than the Lord of Chaos himself, Discord. As the ponies approach, they begin to make out what is being said.
“How about Orange?” Discord asks.
“If you seek a rhyme for Orange,
a field of mushrooms is a spore-range.” Zecora replies, with a twinkle in her eye.
“Oh that’s good,” Discord says mildly applauding,“but let’s make it hard... Purple.”
“An equation that would rhyme with purple,
is- Ditzy Doo plus Mirror Pool, will equal a Derp-pile.” Zecora responds, now openly grinning.
“Show off.” Discord mutters. “You may excel at bringing order out of randomness, but I am a God. The penultimate randomness. I think it’s time to pull out the big guns. Let’s see you rhyme... Chaos.”
"No deity are you, just a ‘spirit’ of chaos,
for if you were a god, then you’d have your own Naos.” Zecora replies, crossing her hooves in contempt.
Discord begins to fume in anger, but then notices the new arrivals. “Fine, you win. You get one wish. I’ll give you until this afternoon to decide what you want.” And with that Discord snaps his claw and disappears.
“What was that all about?” Fluttershy asks the still smiling Zebra.
“Oh the draconiques drops by from time to time, just to see if he can stump me for a rhyme.” Zecora tells the four. “If I lose I must make him his favorite dish, but each time I win, he grants me a wish.”
“Wow, a free wish!” Scootaloo says excitedly.
“Just imagine, you could have anything you want!” Sweetie Belle says, eyes wide.
“Dang, it must be pretty awesome ta be Discord. You can do anything you want, go anywhere ya want, and just conjure up all the chocolate milk and cotton candy you can eat. Talk about the perfect life.” Applebloom adds wistfully.
“Oh I wouldn’t say that my little dears, Discord’s life is harder than it appears.” Zecora says walking back toward her door.
“Yeah right,” Scootaloo scoffs, all he has to do is lounge around all day, and snap his claw whenever he wants something. Doesn’t sound so hard to me.”
“Hmm, I could explain otherwise if you have the time, for yet another story set in rhyme.” Zecora says, holding open the door invitingly.
“Well, we weren’t really in any hurry.” Fluttershy says. “I was just taking them for a nature hike. I wasn’t really planning to go any deeper into the Everfree. We have time to listen to a story, if that’s what you girls want to do. Girls?” Fluttershy asks, looking all around, with nary a foal in sight.
“The ones you are seeking did not hide, for they have already ran inside.” Zecora says with a wink.
Sure enough, the Cutie Mark Crusaders have already settled into their favorite spots, eager for Zecora’s new tale. As soon as Fluttershy makes herself comfortable, Zecora speaks.
“You claim his life is free from care, but I tell you now he must beware, for a simple thing to ponykind, for him could cause reality to unwind.” Zecora says, pouring tea for her guests before settling in her favorite chair to begin in earnest. “This tale is of an irritation, that nearly destroyed the entire pony nation.”
Twas a bright summer’s day,
and Discord was awake,
helping Rainbow catch clouds,
with an old garden rake,
although memories of Tirek,
still stuck in his craw,
at least the pony’s forgave him,
for his coup d'etat,
so he spent his time helping,
to make it up to his friends,
and eventually even Rainbow,
let him make amends.
“Let’s call it a day,”
Rainbow said with a smile,
“I don’t know about you,
but I need to rest for awhile.”
“It looks like that’s all,
would you care for a cider?”
Discord ask of his friend,
which made her smile wider.
He snapped up two mugs,
chocolate milk in the one,
and then with a snap,
Rainbow Dash’s was done.
“Now your talking!” She said,
as she guzzled it down,
then she saw it was empty,
and started to frown.
“Never fear,” Discord said,
“put it all on my bill,”
Discord gestured his claw,
and the mug was refilled.
“Aww yeah!” Rainbow said,
as she chugged nearly half,
Which caused the chaos lord,
to let out a laugh.
“You really love cider,”
He said, watching her haste.
“If you don’t mind me asking,
just how does it taste?”
Rainbow stopped moving,
her eyes then went wide,
she looked up at Discord,
“SAY WHAT?!?” she then cried.
You’ve NEVER drank cider?”
she said in disbelief,
“This travesty must end!
Set ‘em up chief!”
Discord gestured again,
And two ciders appear,
Discord sniffed at his mug,
“So it’s like... apple beer?”
“No, no no,” Rainbow said,
then like a certain alicorn,
she lectured for half an hour,
on how cider was born.
“I’m sorry I asked,”
he said rubbing an eye,
“Well, if it’s THAT big a deal,
I’ll just give it a try.”
Discord first took a sip,
and then smacking his maw,
he put the mug to his lips,
for a much longer draw.
“Hey this stuff is great!”
he said with a smile,
“Let’s find us a cloud,
and hang out for awhile.”
And that’s what they did,
and as the day went along,
Rainbow taught Discord,
how to play cider pong,
things were going real well,
cider flowed by the gallon,
Discord proved he could chug,
just as good as a stallion.
“Wow, Discord,” said Rainbow,
that new batch has some kick,
Discord looked at her blearily,
and then he went {hic}.
And down from the sky,
ten thousand pies fell,
which hit all the ponies,
who were outside as well.
“Thas not good,” Discord slurred,
I think I’ve got... {hic},
and suddenly the two,
were out in the arctic,
“Oh, this is bad,”
Discord said snapping his claw,
and then they were back,
and were trying to thaw,
{Hic}, once again,
and the trees all grew legs,
{hic}, yet once more,
and they began laying eggs.
“Dude stop!” Rainbow cried,
“I can’t,” Discord wailed,
“I can’t control hiccups,
I’ve tried and I’ve failed.”
{Hic}, neon clouds,
appeared in the sky,
{hic}, plaid pterodactyls,
waved as they went by.
Rainbow said,“Dude just stop!
Twilight will have conniptions!”
{Hic}, “Oh dear,” he replied,
“No, I think she’s had kittens...”
They both flew toward Twilight’s,
but before they arrive,
They saw her and Spike,
with a basket outside,
“DISCORD!!!!” Twilight yelled,
and then Spike said “shush”,
sudden mewling was heard,
that made them all hush.
“Kittens?” Discord asked,
pointing down with his claw,
“Yup,” Spike replied,
and just guess who’s the ma.”
five heads all poked out,
from the blanket inside,
causing Rainbow and Discord’s,
eyes to go wide,
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
baby cat alicorns!
So cute!” Rainbow squealed,
gazing at the newborns,
“Who’s got cute widdle wings?”
Rainbow said from the air,
then Twilight trotted up,
and said “hold it right there!”
“Um, I can explain,”
Discord said in retreat,
“It’s not really my-” {hic},
then they were covered in meat.
“Eww,” Twilight said,
flank steaks on her flank,
“Get this off of me now,
the smell is so rank!”
Discord snapped his claw,
steaks and kittens were gone,
then Rainbow told the whole tale,
as they sat on the lawn.
“And my kit-foals?” Twi asked,
“From a different dimension,”
Discord said, “There’s no way,
you could give birth to a kitten,
“Whew,” Twilight said,
“So they’re back with their mother?”
“Yes,” Discord replied,
then {hic}, “oh bother...”
The four all looked up,
as a shadow crossed the sky,
“Get me down!” Rarity yelled,
as her boutique floated by,
Rainbow flew up,
and got her friend down,
and then with a snap,
her home was back safe and sound,
“This is bad,” Discord said,
“hiccups can’t be controlled,
a cure must be found,
it’s our most pressing goal.”
“I’ll go check my books,
come hurry inside,”
Was what Twilight said,
then they saw Pinkie trot by,
“Pinkie,” Rainbow said,
“you’ve foal sat the twins,
do you know of a way,
to make hiccups end?”
“Sure,” Pinkie said,
“it’s as easy as Pie,
(see what I did there?)
give drinking water a try!”
Despite the bad pun,
Discord snapped his claw,
when the bottle appeared,
he chugged it all down his maw,
“Um Discord,” Twi said,
gazing down at the plastic,
“This bottle says ‘sparkling’!”
she yelled, getting spastic.
“Well, what did you think?
That I like water plain?”
Discord said with a laugh,
and then went {hic} again,
The sun turned to cheese,
and then fell from the sky,
which made Luna yell “YESS!”
And Celestia scream “WHYYY!?!”
Before an ice age set in,
Discord again snapped his claw,
and set things back right,
(elsewhere Luna said “AWW...”)
“What the hay?” Twilight yelled,
“sparkling water has bubbles,
all that you’ve done,
is just add to your troubles!”
“Oops,” Discord said,
it was an honest mistake,
I didn’t mean {hic}”
then they all fell in a lake.
“Well howdy ya’ll,”
AJ said from the shore,
“Ain’t it too cold for swimming?
ya’ll look froze to the core!”
“W-we are,” Twilight said,
as she shivered and shook,
she asked “W-why are you fishing?”
As AJ baited a hook,
“Well it ain’t for the food,
if that’s what you thought,
Snips dumped piranhas in here,
and they need to be caught.”
“Did you say piranhas?”
said Twilight, then “AIEEE!
Forget catching THEM,
because they just caught ME!”
The six quickly fled,
the cold water’s embrace,
then all went to help Twilight,
who was jumping in place,
“Get them off get them off,”
Twilight said in near panic,
“Then stop jumping around,”
AJ said, “you’re too frantic,”
“They’re biting my wings,
there’s some caught in my mane,”
Twi said “if I’m being too subtle,
they are causing me PAIN!”
Discord moved in closer,
“I can help, let me {hic},
all the fish changed to spiders,
Rarity shuddered, and said “ick!”
Twilight stood stock still,
her one eye got a twitch,
“get... them... off...” she said slowly,
not moving an inch,
“Okay no sudden moves,”
Rainbow said from the air,
“We can take them off slowly,
just don’t give them a scare.”
“I’m in no mood for SLOW!”
Twi said amid shudderings,
“Spike kill it with fire!
Get me RID of these things!”
Spike trotted forward,
and with a great blast of fire,
got rid of the spiders,
but turned her mane into a pyre,
“AHH” Twilight yelled,
and jumped back into the lake,
“AHH” Twilight yelled,
“I just made a mistake!”
Twilight got out again,
then she stood with hooves crossed,
as off of her body,
more piranhas were tossed.
She was cold, she was wet,
she had bite marks and was burned,
she wondered what the princess,
would make of the lessen she just learned,
Then thinking of that,
her eye twitched once more,
as she thought of what Spike,
had done moments before.
“Um, Spike,” Twilight said,
noticing as he winces,
{sigh} “yes Twilight,” he admits,
“they were sent to the princess.”
Meanwhile in Canterlot,
just moments before,
Celestia and Luna,
did a once a day chore,
Celestia said,
“Luna it is such a pain,
to spend an hour each day,
just combing my mane.”
Luna said,“I know sister,
mine’s always a fright,
at least I am lucky,
no one sees it at night.”
Then in a burst of green fire,
Spike’s spiders came through,
and landed on Celestia,
making Luna say “EWWW!”
“Um... Luna,” was then said,
from the princess of the sun,
“am I... covered... in... spiders?!?”
“Yes!” Luna said, and then, “RUN!”
As the princesses fled,
Celestia then called,
“Somehow I just know,
that Twilight Sparkle’s involved.”
Back at the lake,
AJ was brought up to speed,
Said she, “Don’t ya’ll worry,
I know just what you need!”
She convinced Twilight and Discord,
to send them to the farm,
“Now ya’ll just wait here,”
and she ran out past the barn.
A few moments later,
she said “This will do the trick,”
as she started toward Discord,
who once more went {hic},
Then the ground started shuddering,
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP,
as each little earthquake,
caused the ponies to jump,
then the front door bashed open,
and Granny Smith stepped outside,
Rarity fainted,
as the rest stared eyes wide,
Granny stood eight hooves tall,
and was totally ripped,
her muscles were bigger,
than even Bulk Bicep,
“Granny said, “not sure why,
but I got me itch,
to plow the back forty.”
And she went for her hitch,
Discord extended his claw,
and was preparing to snap,
Then AJ said “hold up now,
no need to do that,”
“I mean if Granny feels spry,
who am I to complain?
And that field DOES need plowing...”
All Spike said was “LAAAME.”
“Hey, don’t be judging,”
AJ said, “I’ve got the cure,
to fix Discord’s hiccups,
it’s what I went fer.”
AJ’s hooves were both full,
then she held up a pod,
the rest looked confused,
but Pinkie said “Oh my Maud!”
“Those are ghost chili peppers,”
she said backing up at a trot,
in the hot pepper world,
those are hotter than hot!”
“Exactly,” Aj said,
“these here can’t be beat,
when you want to cure hiccups,
what you need is HEAT!”
Discord took all the pods,
with a skeptical air,
“They don’t look like much...
Meh, what do I care?”
He popped them all in his maw,
chewed them up, then he spake,
“I beweave I hawf mwade,
a howwwable mwistake!!!”
“AHHHHH! Discord screamed,
his face turning red,
he conjured a bucket of water,
then dunked in his head,
“No!” AJ yelled,
her voice sounding terse,
“water won’t work on peppers,
it’ll just make it worse!”
“AHHHHH!” Discord screamed,
as Celestia touched down,
“Twilight Sparkle,” said she,
“why’s Discord jumping around?”
“Princess,” Twilight said,
“Um, I can explain,”
but before she began,
Discord yelled, “AHHH, THE PAIN!”
“Drink milk,” Pinkie said,
“Eat crackers,” AJ cried,
Discord tried doing both,
then {hic} he replied,
As the heat finally cooled,
Discord looked up shocked,
all the mares were now colts,
“Prince Celestia?” Discord mocked.
“I am not amused,” said the prince,
in a rich baritone,
the results of your actions,
I cannot condone!”
“I can fix,” Discord said,
“just give me a {hic},”
and they all changed again,
“Um, that did NOT do the trick.”
They all remained male,
but the change was uncanny,
for they now looked like humans,
and were all buff like Granny.
Discord’s eyes open wide,
he laughed loud and long,
he fell to the ground,
and rolled on the lawn.
He laughed and he laughed,
until the Pink Pie man said,
“If you’ll stop for a minute,
you’ll see your hiccups have fled.”
Discord stopped in mid laugh,
then he sat silently,
“I think you are right,
I’m CURED!” He said with glee.
“Well of course” Pinkie said,
“if it’s a cure that your after,
the best one of all,
is the power of laughter!”
“But, before you said water,”
Discord said now confused,
Pinkie said “that would have worked too,
if the right kind you had used.”
Just then Big Mac,
arrived back from town,
as he trotted up,
he looked them all up and down,
six buff human males,
some with horns, some with wings,
Mac stared in disbelief,
“Am I seein things?”
Just then Granny came back,
from her work with the plow,
“Glad your back youngin,
I’ll go put on the chow.”
Granny stomped back inside,
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
Mac said, “Please somepony,
explain this all soon.”
As AJ explained,
Discord took many pic’s
of Twilight and her friends,
without any more hic’s,
Then he made everything,
back the way that it should,
but from that day ever forward,
he swore of cider for good...
Just then there was a knock at Zecora’s door. Outside the Chaos Lord had returned.
“Well Zecora, have you decided on what today’s wish will be?” He asked with a grin.
Zecora gestured for him to lean down and then whispered something in his ear.
“Really?” Discord asked in surprise. Zecora just nodded in response. “Oh my Zecora, I didn’t know you had it in you. By all means, your wish is my command!” And with that Discord snapped his claw and vanished.
Zecora trotted back inside where Fluttershy and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were getting ready to depart.
Fluttershy faced her to say her goodbyes. “Thanks for the story, it was quite entertaining, but we’d better get back before it starts raining.” She said.
“No problem at all,” Zecora replied. “Please feel free to come back anytime.”
Applebloom was next, “thanks Miss Zecora, we really had fun, I can’t wait to come back, and hear the next one.”
“Looking forward to it Applebloom,” Zecora replied with a smile.
Scootaloo was next, “Yeah that story was great, I don’t want to go, but Rainbow is coming, to take me to a show.”
“No worries Scootaloo, they’ll be plenty of other stories waiting on you when you return.” Zecora said warmly.
Last up was Sweetie Belle. She waited until everypony was outside, and then pointed to her horn. “I know what you did, even though THEY can’t tell, and I just want to say, that I think it is swell. Tomorrow at school, when I see that bully Diamond, I’m gonna ask her what kind, of spoon is on her friend’s hind end.” Sweetie Belle said grinning wickedly.
Zecora thought for a second, “Diamond Tiara’s friend is... Silver Spoon... isn’t it?” Sweetie Belle just nods, her grin still in place.
Zecora begins to laugh, “Oh Sweetie Belle, you wicked filly, trying to make Diamond Tiara rhyme ‘silver’.”
“Come on Sweetie Belle, you don’t want to get wet, if we don’t get you home, you’re sister will fret!” Fluttershy called from outside.
“Bye Miss Zecora, I hate we must run, but we’ll be back soon, and all have more fun.” Sweetie said with a wave.
“Take care Sweetie Belle, let me know how it goes at school.” Zecora said as she waved goodbye.
Finally after everpony was gone, she poured herself a fresh cup of tea, and settled into her favorite chair. After taking a sip, she then took a deep breath and said, “Almond, Angry, Angst, Anxious, Aspirin, Bachelor, Breadth, Bulb, Bulbous, Calumny, Cannabis, Caveat Chimney, Chocolate, Circus, Citrus, Citizen, Denizen, Depth, Different, Eighth, Elbow, Else, Empty, Engine, Film, Foible, Fugue, Galaxy, Glimpsed, Golf, Gulf, Hostage, Husband, Iron, Justice, Laundry, Luggage, Monster, Month, Mulcts, Ninth, Neutron, Obvious, Of, Office, Olive, Pint, Pedant, Penguin, Pizza, Plankton, Plinth, Promise, Reptile, Sanction, Sandwich, Shadow, Silver, Transfer, Twelfth, Width, Wolf.”
She then paused, took another deep breath, and let out a contented sigh. The she listed the words in reverse order, then at random, and then just one at a time, very slowly. With each repetition, her smile grew wider... “Best... wish... ever!” She said at last.