When Discord revealed the Blue Flu to be a big fib, everypony thought that that was water under the bridge. Little did they know that he needed the tea for another reason. To turn Princess Celestia's life upside down.
When Discord revealed the Blue Flu to be a big fib, everypony thought that that was water under the bridge. Little did they know that he needed the tea for another reason. To turn Princess Celestia's life upside down. The princess has been made into a Tatzlpony, and now it's her duty to not only hide it from her ponies at large to avoid mass panic, but to try and learn to live with her new habits and urges. Will she ever be the same? Will her ponies ever quit being so specist? Will Discord get whats coming to him? Who knows!
“Celestia, princess Celestia! It’s time to get up! The sun needs to be risen, and you are hardly even out of bed!” The voice was like hooves on a chalkboard to me. Not because it was unpleasant, no, but simply because I didn’t want to get up. The bed was comfortable, Luna had left me to my dreams alone for once, and I was content. Maybe if I simply laid there, I would be allowed to just raise the sun a little later than usual? Usually the ponies wouldn’t freak out too awfully much….
“CELESTIA HAS YET TO RISE!! It is the return of Nightmare Moon! Doomed, all doomed!” I heard a pony from outside my window. I couldn’t help but give a loud groan, shaking my head as I finally rose to my hooves, shaking the sleep from myself. I had forgotten, that these are my ponies that we’re talking about here. Ponyville practically went into lockdown whenever something new or strange they didn’t understand reared it’s head in their direction. Of course, for all their quips and quirks, I still do love my little ponies. Even if they can be a tad bit extreme.
Kibitz was waiting for me as I stepped from bed, a tray of tea already set out, the older stallion looking over our schedule for today. Thankfully, it was a shorter one. Only five feet long instead of the usual. I sat down on my haunches, levitating the morning tea up to my lips and taking a small sip, doing my very best to not shudder. Tea, my eternal curse. The drink of all classy citizens and royalty. Oh, how I would throttle the inventor of tea should he and I ever meet. When you have to drink a singular beverage every waking moment of everyday, you can grow sick of it. I, an alicorn, am no different. So, I sat there, drinking and brooding on my dislike of the beverage, before finally I had consumed a sufficient amount to put Kibitz’s mind at ease.
“Was the tea to your liking, Princess?” Kibitz asked, following after me as I headed for court. Like clockwork, I heard Kibitiz’s watch go off, and the sun was raised. There, crisis averted, no more running, screaming ponies in the streets. “Yes, Kibitz. The tea was, like always, a delight.” I told him, lying through my teeth. If anything, this batch of tea had been more distasteful than any before it! I’d only been able to get through one cup, before it had become too much to handle. I shuddered at the thought of their being a still nearly full pot of the stuff. “Ah, well, delightful. It was a gift from a foreign diplomat, a ‘Drocdis’ fellow, odd name. I will be sure to save the tea for later consumption.” Oh, joy. I hid my distaste for that fact behind a small smile to Kibitz. Ah, at least he was being a good butler.
As I walked, I found my mind wandering to Twilight’s last report. Discord had been up to no good again, faking some odd cold to drag Twilight and Cadence on an epic adventure to get the petals for some flower. To make a type of tea. The flower had been guarded by a giant tatzlwurm, and in the end, Discord hadn’t even needed it to heal himself in the first place. Sometimes I wondered if my reforming method even worked on him. Sure, he was Fluttershy’s friend and all, but he still had his moments of just...insanity. I suppose that’s the price for having a sentient WMD at your disposal.
Court resumed as it normally did. Half of the problems were caused by the Flim Flam brothers. Naturally, I let them do their...songs, until I eventually said what I always do. They have to give everything back, say sorry, thee end. After that, things became interesting. This farm goes here, you repay him, easy things. Of course, towards the end of it, I did have a few slips of the tongue. No doubt just an off day. Finally, after many hours, Kibitz signaled that court was over, and I would be taking no more appointments. I was thankful, as my mouth, eyes, and tail ached. No doubt from sitting here in the same spot for much too long. “Congratulations, Princess. Today is a rare day, with not much planned. Feel free to go enjoy yourself. I will go attend to smaller matters.” Kibitz spoke, before walking off. I just gave a relieved sigh at that. Now, when I do have the rare moments of freedom to do with myself what I will, I have a special spa I like to head to.
Today, I wouldn’t be attending that spa. I just wanted to lay down, and rest the aches I was feeling in my body. Ruling a kingdom for a thousand years all by your lonesome, sometimes you had just off days. On my way back to my room, though, I was suddenly intercepted by the one person I always adored seeing, and yet really wish I hadn’t been found by on my way to relaxation.
“Sister!!” Luna declared, suddenly flying down next to me, quite full of energy. I suppose a thousand years on the moon could be considered the ultimate power nap.
“Hello Luna.” I responded, slowing my pace but still on the B-line for the glorious salvation I knew to be my bed.
“Sister, we simply must tell thou of our adventurous night!” This may take awhile. “At the start of the night, we believed it was going to be a boring one. Oh, never before hath we been so wrong before! First, we had to take it upon ourselves to slay a nest of Manticores that were beginning to get close to Fillydelphia! After that, there was a vast parasprite swarm, destined to consume Manehatten, had it not been for our quick thinking, and the help of the Pink one! Who knew you could play so many instruments at the same time? After THAT, I had to save a family from a group of evil cockatoos, and then...”
By the time that Luna finished with the explanation of her night, I had reached my bed, and was getting comfortable in my favorite spot. “Sister, are you okay? Your eyes…” Luna spoke, and I paid it no mind, just laying my head down. “I just need a rest, Luna...Today in court was straining.” I said, adjusting myself to get comfortable. Luna stayed there for a little bit, seemingly perplexed for a few moments, before nodding her head. “Very well, sister. I will be but a shout away, should you need me!” Luna declared, before walking out. Oh, I do love my sister, but being stuck on the moon for a thousand years has left her rather talkative.
Soon enough, I drifted off to sleep, enjoying a good nap. By the time I woke up, my tail hurt to my mother, My whole mouth ached with a pain straight from Tartarus. A small area around my eyes also felt no end of agitation. I stumbled out of bed, looking for the light switch. I went to use my magic, before an appendage suddenly shot from my mouth, and hit the light switch. I froze, looking at it. It was long, black, and rather slick looking. As I stared, I felt my jaw...split, and the appendage was joined by two siblings, stretching out from my mouth. A quick test, and I could fully control the trio of them. Up and down, side to side, forward and back.
Had I not been a being of over a thousand years old, who has seen some rather...well, weird things in her time, I would of, for lack of a better term, flipped shit. Instead, I jumped to the one being that loved to not only pull pranks on me, but at the same time, would have the ability to do such a transformation upon myself. “Dithcord…” It was hard to speak when your bottom jaw is split in two and your tongue had become a trio of tentacles.
As if he’d been sitting back, waiting for this exact moment, the spirit of chaos and disharmony appeared, and burst into a fit of giggles at the sight of me. “Oh, Celestia! This! This is much too rich! Or, or, or, should I say, Tatzlestia?!” He giggled, falling onto his back in mid air, laughing and laughing. I thought, for a few moments, about banishing him to the sun.Yet, the way he spoke of it, he had to know something. What in the name of me was a Tatzl?
“Antherth, now.” I spoke, cursing the appendages leaving my mouth, before I fully retracted them once again. It took me a few moments, glaring down Discord’s grinning face the whole time. “Answers. Now.” I commanded, stamping my hoof and staring at the dreaded draconequus. Reformed my plot. He’d be going back to Boot Camp Fluttershy soon enough. Maybe she could stare him down for awhile.
“Mmm, one moment, Celestia...I just have to, hehe, enjoy this. Some of my finer work, I must say!” Discord mused, floating about. Roasting him on the sun was looking really appealing, before he suddenly began to run his hand down my tail, but it wasn’t as it once was. Oh no, the ‘solid’ bit was much, much longer. I turned my head, eyes widening at the sight. My tail had shifted. No longer was it a long collection of hairs. Oh no, it was a longer limb, not too dissimilar to that of a lizard, the top covered in a line of my hair, the tail ending in a tuft of the stuff. “And the final piece…” He said, before holding up a mirror to my face. I could only stare, my eyes seemingly...tattoo’d. Strange colored, almost lightening bolt looking things came from my eyes.
My new tendrils shot out, wrapping firmly around his neck, torso, and tail. Part of me wanted to crush him, while the other part wanted to eat him. I had a feeling I could. “Now!” I barked, tightening my grip while he squirmed. “Let GO and I’ll tell you.” He said, and I gave a small huff, before letting go, retracting the tendrils back into my mouth. He flopped down, giving a few coughs, probably just throwing up a show to tease me.
“You are now a Tatzlpony. Remember Twilight’s last letter, when I said I needed the tea?” Discord asked, and I nodded my head, sitting on my haunches and working to keep my tail out of the way. “Well, I did need to make tea from that flower, but it wasn’t for me. You see, I’ve been planning this prank for quite some time, Celestia. I studied the flower, but more importantly, it’s guardian. The tatzlwurm. It and the flower shared a very...special relationship. Symbiotic, or something.” Discord went on, waving his hand in the air. I really had no idea where he was going with this.
“Long story short, Celestia….The tea you drank this morning? It was from me, and it was made from the flower the tatzlwurm guarded. You are now a tatzl, it’s ingrained in your DNA. There are no known spells to fix this either, because that would make the prank, well, no fun! I’d suggest not letting anyone else drink from your tea pot again….ever. Who knows what might happen?” Discord spoke, snickering. I tried to lash out at him again, but he snapped his fingers and vanished into thin air.
Tea...it was the bucking tea. I always, always knew the damned beverage would be my downfall. I looked about, letting out a heavy sigh. This was not going to be easy, or fun. How could I explain this to the populace? To Kibitz? To Twilight Sparkle? Most importantly, how could I explain this to my sister, Luna!?
“Celestia~!!” I heard Luna shouting, coming down the hallway. My sister, the vanquisher of night monsters and threats. My sister, so hyperactive with energy and brash choices. My dearest sister, who is more likely to strike first, ask questions later. My sister, who was barrelling right for my bedroom. All I could think of was one thing.
I would like to take one moment to reiterate something. Making it perfectly clear, if you will. I love Luna, with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. That’s the exact reason why I sent her to the moon when she became Nightmare Moon. I dare say that next to my student, Luna is the one pony that I love above all others. Now, with that all out of the way, let me make another thing clear. Luna is, like everyone else in Equestria, a Pony. Therefore, a tad bit xenophobic. So, with those two items out of the way, I believe that my next actions should be completely understandable.
When Luna came bursting through my door, I gave her no time to think. Like a whip, I spun about, smacking her into the wall with my new tail, before she fell unconscious. Were my actions perhaps a tad rash? Would it of been better to sit down and maybe try and talk things out with my sister instead of knocking her unconscious the moment she came into my room? You don’t rule a kingdom for a thousand years, uncontested, without being a trifle paranoid.
I moved quickly after that, not wanting to waste time. She was an alicorn, after all. On top of that, she was also rather energetic and robust. She would not be down for long. So, acting quickly, I sent my tendrils to work, while using my magic to focus a sleep spell onto her. Just to buy me a little more time. The first two wrapped around my dear sister, pinning her wings to her back, and she in place. The other grabbed a piece of cloth, before resting it over her eyes. I would rather not have her freak out the very first thing.
With all the preparations I could think of in place, I lifted the sleeping spell. With that done, I reached up with my free tendril, and gave her horn a quick rub. Luna woke up with a loud gasp, a blush on her face from the very brief stimulation. “C-Celestia? Where art thou? Why do we ache as if struck by a tail like appendage, before slamming int a wall? Why is it dark when we’ve not raised the moon? Most disturbing, why art we being held by strange appendages!?” Luna asked rapid fire, and anytime I saw her trying to start up a spell, I gave her horn a quick tap. Imagine striking a dog on the nose. It is the same effect.
“Luna, I need you to make me a vow. When I remove the cloth from your eyes, you may not scream, shout, let it all out, try to end me, call for help, or a variety of other things that do not include sitting in this room calmly, discussing things calmly, with NO smiting whatsoever. Deal?” I asked, wanting to be totally thorough with my sister.
“We suppose so. We still see not why any of that is needed, but we will make it our vow. Now, please, remove the blinding cloth from our eyes so that we may see our sister sunbutt.” Luna said, and I gave a small breath, before tossing the cloth from her eyes.
Luna looked around herself, before her eyes finally rested on me. I sat there at first, trying to not look too strange, despite my eyes, tail, and tendrils coming from my tri-split jaw. You know, no pressure in that at all. At first, Luna could only stare at me, and I at her. I had no doubt in my mind that had I not made her make that vow she would be freaking out quite heavily at the sight of me. I know I almost had, and would if I saw Luna in my condition. I worried that I’d hit her to hard for a few moments. For a monster slayer, she was taking this a bit easier. Of course, I was restraining her. Perhaps there was a natural calming agent in the tendrils I didn’t know about?
“Sister..if not for the vow we just gave, we would be reacting much more harsh. Please give me a reason not to lash out besides that vow...if you even are our sister.” Luna said, and she was not happy. I can’t say I’d be very happy in her position either. I was a strange creature entangling her in tendrils after all, and while I am quite sure there is more than a few out there who would find it greatly alluring, my dear sister was not among their number...I hoped.
“Discord dosed my tea with the petals of the Tatzlflower that Twilight Sparkle had to cut down for him.” I answered, and that seemed more than enough to appease my sister. Discord had that effect on ponies, and my sister was no fool. She knew that this form, and me in it, would cause mass problems. Something right up the new ‘reformed’ Discord’s alley.
“Thou had me when thou said Discord...So, Discord is the cause of whatever affliction thou is now suffering, and he had not provided thou with any method as to which thou can cure yourself?” Luna asked, and all I could do was sigh and shake my head. Now, that actually would of been something unpredictable of Discord, giving me an easy way out of his pranks. Alas, for being a spirit of chaos, Discord wa surprisingly predictable in his pranks. We were at stage three, where he would sit back and laugh and laugh at the fruits of his brilliant planning, which he enacted in step one. Then was step four, of him laughing at us trying to find a way out of it, before finally came step five. Discord pouting that we got out of the prank till he could enact his next prank. Oh yes, for a spirit of chaos, he was predictable in many things.
“Well, we simply must find a way to turn thou back! Consult Starswirl’s library! Call on Twilight Sparkle! Make a national announcement and a call to arms of the people to find the cure!” Luna declared, and I blanched a bit. “No, Luna! We really do NOT want to call attention to my change among with people!”
“And why should we not? There may be some miracle cure! This might be a common affliction!”
“Sister, they had to battle a giant worm with their alicorn magic after they pulled the flower from the ground, which in of itself was as large as a building. I doubt that this is a common affliction. Discord even said himself that there are no spells to cure this.”
“I see thine point, but it still begs the question, what are we to do? Should we even trust his word that there are no spells?”
“We must simply…keep calm, and flutter on. We will act like nothing is wrong, find a way to hide my tail. I will say my eyes is just an alicorn exclusive illness, and I will keep my mouth in it’s natural state. During that time, we will hunt for a cure. If there is a spell, and Discord lied, we’ll find it...Do you think you can keep this silent for me, Luna?” I asked, looking to my dear sister with pleading eyes, while finally retracting my tendrils back into my mouth. I was kind of getting tired of tasting Luna the whole time I was speaking to her.
Luna looked about, stretching out her legs and wings, seemingly debating something in her mind. The chance to lay me out? Maybe. She did spend her night’s on various adventures, after all. This whole thing might of been a front. Finally, she just sighed, and saluted with her forehoof. “Thou can count on us, sister!” Luna nodded, and I let out a relieved sigh. Well, that was one giant conquered. I don’t think I would be able to pull the wool over Luna’s eyes. Things would be much easier with her on my side, anyway. “Oh, and Luna, please don’t drink the tea in the teapot. We need to study it for it’s properties. Try and find a way to cure myself with maybe what caused it. Just, whatever you do...Don’t drink it.” I warned, and my sister nodded. The clock was getting around that time, and I knew I’d need to lower the sun soon.
“Very well, sister. On our exploration of the night and of dreams, we will be ever vigilant on the hunt for a way to cure thou! Worry not sister, thou shall not suffer long!” Luna declared, before suddenly bursting from the room at a gallop, on her latest mission. I sighed, shaking my head before reaching forward and using my tendrils to tug the door closed. Didn’t want anyone stumbling in on me like this, after all.
I glanced outside, focusing a bit of magic and helping the sun back down over the horizon, before watching the moonrise up as well. It was actually a bit of a relief, no longer needing to rise and lower them both. Even I have to admit that there’s been more than one occasion where I slipped up and, well, rose either the wrong celestial body, or both at the same time. I was ever so thankful for when I could just pass them off as eclipses.
I sat down on my haunches, considering my options for the moment. I couldn’t simply go out as if nothing had happened. The ponies would notice in an instant, and I would have mass mayhem and chaos on my hooves. Probably declare either end of days, or a brand new world order. That, of course, was bad. So I scratched that off the list. I ALSO couldn’t just hide my head in the sand and wait for someone to find a cure. I tried having Luna rule both the day and the night once. She did not like it, and neither had Kibitz. So, that was also off the table for things I could do.
So, there was only one course of action left that I could honestly take in this condition of mine. I would need to bamboozle all of my subjects into thinking that everything was just fine. As much as I didn’t like the thought of it, I also didn’t enjoy the thought of mass rioting in the streets and ponies hurting themselves while bumping their heads into the walls. I was amazed how that was the cause of many injuries during the Changeling invasion. It was a trifle embarrassing, but of course, that whole event was...Luna didn’t let me live down being fooled so thoroughly for weeks. Twilight’s air of ‘I told you so’ had been rather persistent for sometime, and even know I get the feeling that she would whip out the event at a moment’s notice to prove a point.
Eventually, I turned my eyes to the teapot with the vile mixture inside. The mixture that had caused this. I stepped up to it, looking down at the thing. Tea. If I drink it, this happens. If I didn’t drink it, a large portion of Equestria trade and commerce would collapse. I hated moments like this. Ah, the many things you do for national stability. My brain began to go to work, thinking of how I could study this thing. Find a cure. Most of the time, I would simply have Twilight Sparkle write me a research paper on the topic I needed to know about, and that would the source of my knowledge.
Then, it hit me. Twilight Sparkle, my good and faithful student! That adorable mare that I’ve known since a filly, that glorious egg head! If there was a mare whom I trusted, and had the brains to solve such a conundrum without freaking out, it was Twilight Sparkle. “I’ll write Twilight a message, calling her to Canterlot...Claim it’s a test or something? Possibly…” I spoke to myself, before trotting over and writing a message, calling Twilight to my side.
It didn’t take all of five minutes before a message arrived, from Twilight Sparkle. I opened it up, and found that she’d be exhilarated to visit, and had a rather important matter she needed to discuss with me. I smirked a bit to myself. I wonder which one of us had the more important matter to discuss. I let me tendrils out, and wrote a swift reply to let her know how I looked forward to her visit, and that she should only bring herself. Princess business. I sent the message, and looked down at my tendrils. “Alright, Twilight...You’re my only hope.”
“Twilight!! Twilight! Come oooon! You don’t wanna be late for my super special awesome spectacular town wide extravagant omega alpha happy fun joy sponsored by Fluttershy Tea Party do you!?!” I heard Pinkie Pie’s voice, bouncing around the halls of my library as I got ready. “Pinkie, I doubt we’re going to run out of tea! Did you see the size of the pot that Discord gave Fluttershy? I am just freshening up is all. If I don’t do it here, Rarity will do it there. Patience is a virtue!” I reminded her, combing a few knots out of my mane.
The sun was slowly setting outside, and I could hear the hustle and bustle of the whole town outside. Pinkie Pie was holding the biggest tea party that Ponyville had even seen, with everypony attending. Vinyl ‘DJ Pon-3’ Scratch would be providing music, with a few performances from Octavia and Lyra to add some ‘class’ to our tea consumption. Fluttershy and Discord would be providing the tea, and as much as I didn’t trust Discord, I had full faith that Fluttershy could keep him in line.
Finally, I checked off the last detail on my list of proper mane, tail, hide, wing, and horn care. Spike was off, running errands for Rarity. I was almost thankful, knowing that he would only be swallowing down the tea to look good for Rarity. That dragon...how he expected interspecies relations between a dragon and a pony to ever work out, I would never know. What would the children look like? Though, I suppose it makes him happy, so it’s not in my rights to rob him of that.
I finally walked down into the main room of the lobby, only to see Pinkie twitching in all manner of ways. “Uh, Pinkie sense going off? What’s THAT one mean?” I asked, sitting back on my haunches to observe the party pony of our town twitching and contorting in all many manner of ways that I swear only she could pull off and NOT need intense medical attention. That’s just Pinkie for you, I suppose.
Eventually, the Pink, poofy mane mare of Ponyville stopped, and shrugged. “I have no idea! Whatever it is, it’s something totally new, and TOTALLY weird! I look forward to it!” Pinkie smiled that big, bright, Pinkie Pie patented smile. I just gave a small sigh, before smiling and gesturing to the door. “Come on Pinkie, let’s get out there. I am sure that you wanna be the one to deal out the tea.” I don’t think I have ever seen her bolt out of the library so fast. I followed after her, chuckling a little bit.
The town was completely done up for the grand drinking of tea. It had been Fluttershy’s idea, actually. She wanted a small tea party with just us six girls, but then Pinkie began to invite others...Till, eventually, though extended invitations and a lot of begging from Pinkie Pie to Fluttershy, it became a whole town event. To sweeten the pot, as it were, we were trying out a whole new type of tea, as it were. Discord assured us, while he was helping Fluttershy make the tea, that Princess Celestia had had a cup in the morning and simply loved it. While it was Discord saying it, Princess Celestia knew her tea. Not even HE would risk incurring tea related wrath from it’s biggest sponsor in Equestria.
I looked out at the sun setting farther, and watched as the stringed lights all began to light up, dangling all over, connecting the buildings. I took a brief sniff, and sighed in delight. The tea smelled amazing, and I picked up the pace, joining a number of other ponies all hurrying to the main event. I don’t think that there has ever been such a vast gathering before, all in the name of drinking and enjoying tea. I smiled, seeing more and more ponies. I dare say that there wasn’t a single pony staying in for this one, even foals allowed to stay up for a cup. Maybe Pinkie Pie had started a new Ponyville tradition, and I would be the princess presiding over it all? I had to admit, that was a little exciting for me. My first Holiday!!
The large tea party was set up in the center of town, all based around the biggest teapot I had ever seen. It was floating over a roaring fire, and was as big as a house! We had a rather elaborate contraption all setup and ready. All one needed to do was pull a lever, and the grand teapot would tip ever so slightly to pour down a massive funnel towards the awaiting cup. Depending on the lever that was pulled, it would either be hot or iced once it got to the desired cup. After that, we had a vast ‘tea prep’ table set up, in which to allow those to make their tea their own. Sugar, honey, cream, the works. I saw Pinkie fast at work, darting about, delivering tea to every table as fast as she could.
Rainbow Dash landed next to me as I trotted over to our special table, set aside for me, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike if he ever showed up. “Hey Rainbow Dash. Excited?” I asked the pegasus, nudging her with my wing. Oh, that tea smelled utterly heavenly. Rainbow Dash shrugged, looking around at all the different ponies. “Eh, tea isn’t usually up my alley...but I know me being here and drinking tea will make this all twenty percent cooler, at least.” Rainbow Dash smiled, and I patted her on the back with my wing. “That’s the spirit girl!” I encouraged, and Rainbow Dash just smirked a bit, before something caught her attention and she dashed off again.
I finally reached the table to find Rarity and Applejack giving one another quite the stare down, teacups next to them on the table, filled. Rarity’s was steaming, piping hot, while I could see the ice in Applejack’s. Fluttershy was only looking between the two, so I sat down next to her, and Pinkie Pie had a cup set for me before running off again. “So, Fluttershy, what’s up with them?” I asked, gesturing to the pair.
“Oh, um, well...Rarity thinks tea should always be as hot as it can be without burning your mouth, while Applejack, well, says that tea should be as cold as...um…”
“As cold as a windigo's behind on a winter solstice blizzard!” Applejack filled in for Fluttershy, before Rarity scoffed loudly.
“How uncouth! Tea is meant to be hot and steaming! Applejack, darling, I think I would know a thing or two about tea! It is the drink of high society!”
“Pfft! Are ya’ll suggesting we don’t have tea on the farm? Why, Ah been enjoying iced tea with Big Mac, Applebloom, and Granny Smith fer years!”
“Applejack, darling, I’m not saying that that method of tea drinking is okay on the farm, but in a high class social event such as this, you must show SOME class!”
“Well excuuuuuuse me for not wanting tah burn mah mouth on some tea! Twilight! Tell Rarity that tea shouldn’t be hot enough to burn yer tongue off!”
“Twilight! You’ve been with Celestia most your life, PLEASE tell Applejack tea has a certain temperature that one must adhere to!”
I looked between the pair, blinking a few times. I swear, they could literally fight over the color of the sky if it wasn’t proven to be blue. “Well, girls, Princess Celestia is the last word on tea, and she has enjoyed it at all temperatures. Some mythical teas even grow hotter or colder as you drink it. So, I feel that you can drink tea at any temperature and it’ll be okay. I mean, why don’t the two of you try out each other’s tea?” I asked, before switching their cups. They looked almost dumbfounded, before grumbling about how they supposed they could give it a shot. I smiled, happy to resolve yet another conflict between such GOOD friends...No, Twilight, never again.
Finally, a loud horn was blown and a hush fell over the crowd. We all turned out heads to see Pinkie sitting behind the horn, a wide smile on her face. She soon Pinkie’d over to sit at the table, followed by Rainbow Dash. Mayor Mare walked up behind the microphone, smiling to us all before tapping it a few times to ensure it was working. “Hello, everypony! I would like to cordially welcome you all to this, Ponyville’s first, ever...’ she paused, staring at the name of the event for a few moments. “Super Special Awesome Spectacular Town Wide Extravagant Omega Alpha Happy Fun Joy sponsored by Fluttershy Tea Party!!” Pinkie Pie shouted out, and mare we called Mayor nodded a few times. “Yes. That. Let us all take a moment to thank Fluttershy for catering the event….and let the tea drinking commence!”
With that done, everypony in Ponyville, including myself, lifted up their own cup and gave it a drink. It was thee most amazing tea I had ever tasted. No wonder Princess Celestia had liked it so much! Music began to fill the air as Vinyl Scratch began to get to work on the turntables, Octavia seated next to her, the pair of them sipping their own cups. Pinkie drained down her cup, followed by another, and a third, all in under five minutes. Applejack would drink hers, once Rarity’s, before letting out a resounding ‘Yeehaw!’, proclaiming that that was a buck of a kick! Rarity sipped hers more gingerly, before agreeing that the sensation wasn’t too unpleasant.
I enjoyed my own cup, and as the music played the tea party began to go in full swing. While the tea kept flowing into our cups, everypony going back for seconds and thirds, the Cake’s, Bon Bon, and Big Mac all had stalls set up to cater to the event, providing the food with which we could wash down with tea. I turned and smiled at Fluttershy, raising my eyebrow. “Hey, Fluttershy, where’s Discord?” I asked, canting my head at the mare.
“Oh, um, he said he had a few more pots he wanted to deliver. Canterlot, Manehatten, Fillydelphia, Appaloosa, places like that.” Fluttershy smiled, and I let out a small ‘Ah’ before beginning to sip my tea. I couldn’t place it, but I began to feel a dull ache in my tail, mouth, and around my eyes. I shook it off, before sipping down another cup of tea.
Suddenly, though, things go weird. The first one to be ‘affected’ as it were, was Pinkie Pie, who’d been chugging the tea like a mad woman. She gave a sudden shriek, which turned into a bit of a squeel. We all turned, and my jaw literally dropped from my mouth. Pinkie Pie had, well, changed. Her tail was long and lizard like, a poofy line of hair traveling down it, before ending in a tuft. Her eyes had odd, almost lightning strike like designs, bright, neon pink, zigzagging from her face. As if to go full on weird, her lower jaw had opened up two ways, and a trio of three, dark pink tendrils had slithered out.
We all stared, before another screech could be heard. At first, I thought that it was somepony fainting at the sight of Pinkie Pie, as us ponies aren’t the most accepting bunch. When another screech sounded, I thought it was just hysteria catching, and then I turned and saw Applejack. Applejack’s eyes were huge, as she was suddenly up and stamping her hooves. I watched as red, lightning strike marks suddenly grew in under her eyes, marking her. After that, her tail seemed to drop off all of it’s hair, before swelling out, long and lizard like, with that red hair, ending in a tuft. Finally, her lower jaw split, and a trio of tendrils almost fell out, before feeling about. “Thith ith NOT yeehaw!!” Applejack declared, speaking around those three tendrils.
I looked around, my eyes full of shock. Pony, after pony, after pony was struck with the affliction. Those not turned watching in terror as their compatriots turned, before they were next. No one was spared, not even foals or the elderly. Suddenly, it dawned on me, when I felt the ache in my body. “Oh….HORSEFEATHERS!”
I can’t say it was pleasant, but it wasn’t painful either. I barely noticed the effect on my eyes, before all the hair of my tail fell out. I turned and watched with wide eyes. Yep, just like everypony else, I wasn't spared from gaining a lizard like tail. A sudden, sharp pain, and my lower jaw split. I watched, and three long, dark purple tendrils grew out from my mouth. As I stared, something finally clicked. I’d scene this kind of thing before. When I went with Discord on a very certain mission with Cadence...And we fought that giant Tatzlwurm. “Dithcord!” I spat, before glaring at my tendrils.
The town was on the brink of tearing itself apart. Everypony had changed into these, these...Tatzlponies! Pinkie Pie was suddenly next to me, leaning in. “Thith ith tho my fetith…” She whispered, and I just glared at her. Now was NOT the time for her dirty fantasies! Finally, I pulled the tendrils into my mouth, and decided now was the time to step up. I flew into the air, and summoned one of the more...useful Alicorn abilities. The Royal Canterlot Voice.
“EVERYPONY! Remain calm and do NOT panic! I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, will get to the bottom of this! Princess Celestia will know what to do! There is probably some spell which will totally fix all of our issues!” I declared, and it seemed to appease the crowd. If only because they didn’t want royal, alicorn, canterlot vocal wrath brought down upon their heads. I floated down, glancing to Rarity, who was staring at her own dark purple tendrils. “Rarity, do you know when Spike’ll be back? I MUST get a letter to Princess Celestia.” I asked, and she looked at me, before managing to swallow down her own tendrils. “He...ahem, he SHOULD be back right about...Now, actually.” Rarity said, and just like that, Spike rounded a corner, holding a collection of boxes. He gazed at the sight before him for a few moments, before dropping all the boxes. “This is so NOT my fetish!!” Spike spoke, turning tail to run. On instinct, my tendrils shot out of my mouth, wrapping around the dragon and dragging him back, kicking and shooting fire at my tendrils, but they thankfully were unphased.
I dragged him up to us, the whole group looking down at him. He seemed about to scream, before instead burping a letter right into my face. It bonked against my nose, before my magic caught it. I lifted Spike into the air, before opening the letter and reading it over. Celestia...wanted me in Canterlot, NOW?! I read over the letter a few times, before quickly summoning some paper and a quill. I wrote a quick reply, and squeezed Spike to get him to shoot fire and send it. “Um, Twilight, you can probably let Spike down now…” Rainbow Dash said, and I gave a small eep, before dropping the little baby dragon. “Thorry Spike…” I said, pulling the tentacles back into my mouth.
He only burped out another letter, looked at Rarity, and fainted. “Oh, it isn’t THAT bad!” Rarity huffed, scowling at the dragon’s unconscious form.I read the letter, and smiled. “Uh, Twilight...How are you going to fix this? I don’t think my animals can handle this very well…” Fluttershy said, hovering there and examining herself. “Yeah, Twilight. I’m not sure if they make Wonderbolt suits accessible to this.” Rainbow Dash said, glancing to her tail.
“...Ah think Ah could use these on the farm.” Applejack mumbled, glancing down to her new appendages.
“Simple, girls...I am going to see the princess! She will surely know what to do! You have stay here, keep things as calm as you can. Maybe keep the party going?” I ask, and as if on cue, the music started again. Pinkie Pie was up there with Vinyl, doing her little jig while Vinyl just seemed to shrug, and drop thee beats. Octavia had seemingly fainted next to the other mare, so there was no one else really to tell the alabaster mare to freak out that she was using tentacles to work her turn tables.
“Oh yeah, you girls got this.” I smiled and nodded to them, before raising into the sky and setting off for Canterlot as fast as I could. At least, I hoped they had this. As I flew, a though occurred to me. Something Fluttershy had said...Discord was taking teapots to every corner of Equestria. I hurried along even faster. All I could think of as I flew was one simple thought.
Waiting for Twilight Sparkle to arrive was, well, a bit torturous. Sure, Luna was out on a quest to try and find a cure to this, but there was nopony I trusted more than Twilight Sparkle to fix a problem. I had yet to find a problem I couldn’t point her at. Sister coming back to seek revenge, and needs purified? Send Twilight Sparkle. Have a gala that’s boring, and you want crashed? Send Twilight Sparkle Discord has woken up and needs put back in his place? Send Twilight Sparkle. Wedding is infiltrated and I’m too much of a thick twat to notice my niece is acting strangely? Twilight Sparkle. Have an empire that is suddenly back on the map, with the lord of all side burns here, trying to conquer it again? Send Spike the Dragon….with Twilight Sparkle to accompany him. The point was, when you had a problem that needs a quick fix, you sent Twilight Sparkle and Co.
Of course, I also knew of how fickle that ponies could be.There was no way I could predict how her friends would react. If Twilight overreacted, I could entangle her and keep her still till I would be able to calm her down. Was that a bit cruel? Maybe, but all the motivation I needed was to look outside, and then to my bedroom door. If I didn’t have this problem fixed by the morning, I had no idea how my ponies would react. It would be anarchy in the streets, heads bumping into walls, into each other, stampedes of xenophobic, scared ponies all about. I shuddered at the thought. Oh, Discord would no doubt get his kicks out of such an image. To see it come true? Why, he’d be utterly delighted.
Eventually, though, I felt a few stealthy knocks on my door. “Princess?” I heard Twilight’s voice, and I let out a happy sigh. There, now I could begin the quest to fix this whole issue. I had to play my cards right with this. I couldn’t just stun her like I had my sister. I was Luna’s sister, after all. Some rough housing, even at my age, was expected. Twilight, well, that’d just be frowned upon. “Twilight, come in...but you must promise me that you will not freak out, under any circumstances.” I said, and listened to the silence for a few moments. “Um...you have to promise me the same thing.” Princess Twilight said, and I blinked a few times. What a curious notion, I almost had to smile. Oh, I bet that my little secret would be much more frightening to her.
“Deal...now come in, and hurry.” I said, sitting up and squaring myself with the door. I glanced down at the teapot which contained the liquid which caused this whole mess. Oh, how I hoped that Twilight wouldn’t ask for a cup. We needed to study it, find out if there was a way to reverse the process. Otherwise, I would have tossed it into my fire. I focused on the door again. It opened, and I visibly twitched.
There, in front of me, was my dear student Twilight Sparkle. Purple hide, horn, wings, purple eyes...And then, I focused on the symbols on her eyes. At the trio of tentacles hanging out from her split lower jaw. At the long, lizard like tail that grew from her behind. Just. Like. Me. The same signs. Oh, dammit Discord. “P-Princess…Celestia?” Twilight gapped, looking at me. I instantly put it all together. Twilight had come to me for the same exact reason that I had called out to her for. “Twilight...you have to tell me. How exactly did you come into contact with Tatzltea?” I asked, jumping to the assumption that she’d had to drink tea to become a tatzl. Why wouldn’t Discord stick to that method?
Twilight seemed to need to take a few moments to compose herself, taking a deep breath before focusing on me. “Pinkie Pie threw a town wide tea party. Catered by Fluttershy and...Discord. The whole town…” Twilight said, and I could only stare. A whole town, under the effects of this dreadful concoction? The part where it was turning everypony into Tatzls wasn’t good either. “So...a whole town, converted into Tatzlponies…” I mused, thinking on it. That was not good. It could become completely isolated if we didn’t revise this epidemic swiftly enough. Plus, along with that, mass mayhem and chaos. The look on Twilight’s face told me that that was only the start of it.
“Twilight...is there more?” I asked, leaning in towards the mare. Oh yes, there was definitely more. Discord was one for theatrics. Two princesses and a whole town? Why stop there?
“The last I heard about Discord...he was delivering teapots all over Equestria, with the Tatzltea. Judging by the size of the flower that we had to get, he has more than enough petals to make tea to convert a sizeable chunk of the population...if not everypony.” Twilight responded, and my ears fell flat on my head. I could picture it now. It was essentially the same image of chaos as before, but now everypony had tatzl features. Discord floating above it all, laughing like there was no tomorrow.
“Princess, surely we can put a stop to this! Place Discord back into stone, banish him to the moon or the sun?” Twilight asked, looking around as if the answer was waiting to come and smack her in the face.
“No, Twilight...we can’t place Discord back into stone or banish him. The matter of the fact is that Discord has yet to do anything wrong, or breaking his contract of being a good guy.” I said, frowning. It was true, too. Besides making the tea, and floating about delivering it, Discord had yet to do anything wrong. I could still function, the tea didn’t cause any harmful changes, and he wasn’t using magic for the change. Discord was simply going about, handing out tainted tea. I couldn’t punish him for that, when I myself had slipped a laxative or two into Blueblood’s own beverage whenever he shows up. Could I be blamed? I think not.
Twilight slumped down a bit, looking almost defeated. I myself let out my tentacles to rub at my temples, finding I could control them easier and easier. It was foolish of me to think that Discord could have only had one pot of the Tatzltea. A creature like him? That wasn’t near grand or chaotic enough. No, not by a long shot. Now, this, this was much more up his alley. Finding a cure for the affliction could come later. For now, we had to stop Discord. As fun as running a kingdom with a sudden widespread trait of mouth tentacles, that sort of duty really wasn’t for me.
“Twilight, you said that he was delivering those teapots all over Equestria?” I asked, suddenly getting an idea. Oh, it was a horrible, dastardly, wonderful idea, I must admit. I would be lying if I said that when the idea came to me, it didn’t fill me with joy. Twilight looked at me, giving a nod of her head. “Knowing Discord, he has probably already delivered a good chunk and at completely random areas.” Twilight said, and I nodded my head. I could work with this.
“Very well. Twilight, follow me. What I am about to do may seem a bit drastic, but it is the only way to stop the whole of Equestria from becoming Tatzlponies, and possibly sending out nation into complete and utter chaos.” I said, before I began to run forward, bursting from my room and heading for the throne room. Already, out in the streets of Canterlot, I could hear the screams of shock and terror. It seems that Discord had already made his Canterlot deliveries. I had to pick up the pace, so now I simply teleported into the throne room, Twilight by my side.
The guards on booty looked at me in terror, and seemed to almost want to ready their weapons. I just rolled my eyes, and flashed the royal sunbutt. It was an unmistakable sight that not even becoming a Tatzl could change. Sitting squarely upon my throne, my horn began to glow brightly. There was one spell, which I could only pull off while in her thanks to certain amplification systems I had put in place. If my subjects thought that the royal Canterlot voice was bad, they had forgotten it’s bigger brother. The Royal Equestria Proclamation Voice.
“Citizens of Equestria! Listen to me, your Princess, Celestia of Equestria! Stop what you are doing! If thou art drinking tea, cast the cup from your lips this very instance! The tea of Equestria has been tainted! For too long, have we enjoyed the splendors of tea, and now it has betrayed us! Surely you have seen the new ponies, with strange tails and tentacle mouths! Even I, your princess of the sun, is afflicted! This is the price we are paying for over consumption of tea! It gives me no great pleasure-” Let me just take this moment to say, that I have never felt more pleasure for a proclamation before in my life. “-that I must forbade the drinking, making, or selling of all tea, or tea related products! Cease now, citizens, unless you wish to join those of us afflicted by the Tatzl! This is a steep price, I know, and I will mourn it most of all,but for all of us, we must move on from tea! For the unity of Equestria, and for ponies who this really isn’t their fetish, tea is now BANNED...A substitute will be announced later in the week.”
Twilight looked at me with a look of sheer and utter disbelief. A sound of silence set over the city, before a new, louder sound began to rise up. All across Equestria, came a mighty sound of mourning. Tea, our national drink, now banned. Tatzl or nontatzl, Earth Pony, Unicorn, Pegasi, all were affected. All joined in the mourning for the tea. It no longer mattered what you looked like on the outside. It no longer mattered that I had tentacles coming out of my face. No, in one foul swoop, I had stopped Discord’s plan, reunited a splintering xenophobic nation, and defeated my age old enemy. My face was one of resolute seriousness, but on the inside...Oh, on the inside I was a joyful, dancing filly.
“Princess...are you sure something so drastic needs to be done?” Twilight said, looking at me with such pity filled eyes. “Tea has always been your favorite beverage. Surely there must be another way! Some secret spell that can fix all of our problems?” Twilight asked. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. I had to keep on a mask of complete and total sombrarity to this latest development. It wouldn’t be as genuine and nation bonding if I didn’t. “No, Twilight...it must be this way. There is no deus ex machina coming to save us this time. No spell to simply cast. The reign of tea...must come to an end, lest we all become Tatzlponies.” I said, a few tears of utter joy rolling down my face. To her, they looked like tears of sadness.
“Sister! We have just heard the announcement! Art thou okay? Are thou sure in thine’s choice? One so drastic?” Luna asked, flying in and landing next to me. Oh, it was rather difficult to keep a straight face….But I pressed on! For the good of Equestria, and no small part for my own personal enjoyment.
“Yes, Luna...for the good of Equestria, this is how it MUST be. I know not how I will cope, but I will. I will set the example, that we can live without tea. That we can press on without tea. That we will not fall to Discord’s wiles. It will be a long, hard, depressing road, but it is one we all must walk.” I had every head bowed in respect, to my loss and their own. “Now, if you'll excuse me…” I said, slowly getting off my throne. “I must take a moment to be alone and cope with my loss.” I spoke, before teleporting into my room.
Once I was in my room, I took only a few moments to put up the proper spell as to soundproof it, before I utterly shouted in joy. I danced, trotted, laughed, and cried, all in my joyous outpouring. At last, at last, I had beaten the dreaded beast that was tea! I sat back on my haunches, giggling like a mad mare, before Discord suddenly appeared, a rather coy smirk on his face.
“I must say Celestia, when I heard that announcement...well, I thought you’d be more torn up about it. The sacrifice of your nation’s national beverage? Of your own personal drink? You seem rather delighted.” Discord said, and I only smirked back at him, shrugging. “Oh, of course, I am torn up over it all...But, as a good ruler, I am quite sure I will endure. What matters to me, is that I stopped your dastardly prank. How does it feel to lose, Discord?” I asked, before Discord burst into a fit of gut splitting laughter. It was not a pretty sight to watch...and it was rather annoying.
“What happens to be so funny, Discord?”
“Oh, oh nothing...Just the fact that you thought you’ve beaten me!”
“...What did you do?”
“Oh, well, when you made the announcement, I was understandably rather upset. All this tea, and no one to drink it anymore? So, I simply did what anyone in my position would do. I dumped it in all the major water supplies and cloud factories.”
Now, I like to think that I am a woman with unlimited patience. That nothing can topple my resolve to stay calm and keep my head level. That no matter what is thrown at me, I will keep calm and flutter on. Let me just say, that I have been able to do this for over a thousand years. I am allowed one slip up now and again, especially when Discord is involved.
In the next moment, I gave a shout of pure rage, and lashed out in the same way I had seen Twilight Sparkle lash out only once. I burst into flames, and promptly set everything in my room on burning fire. I burnt everything to a charred crisp, before falling back to my hooves, eye still twitched, looking at Discord. A pile of ashes, which suddenly popped up two eyes. I suddenly got a rather crazy, insane idea.
“Discord...please remove the tatzl tea from Equestria’s water supply?” I asked, giving him my best, begging pouty face. The pile of ashes reformed into Discord, and he stroked his chin for a few moments, before finally just shrugging.
“Okay.”
Five minutes later, after I set the room on fire again, and Discord properly reformed, he raised his claw. “On ONE condition.” I was not going to like the condition, by the smirk he had on his face.
“Yes?” I asked, canting my head and looking at him. Oh, how I hoped it was just something simple. Maybe standing on my head or something. That smirk told me otherwise. “You can’t cure yourself, or any ponies already afflicted. You must stay Tatzlponies, forever. Deal? Deal.” He said, before teleporting away.
I just sighed, closing my eyes and falling into a heap. I’d have had accepted the deal anyway, weighing my options. If ponies kept converting after my big announcement, not only would that spread chaos and distrust, but I might of had to bring tea back! The door burst open, Twilight and Luna were standing there, eyeing up my room.
“We take it Discord has visited thou…” Luna said, and I sighed before nodding my head. “Twilight...Get used to this form. We’re going to be stuck like this for a very, very long time.” I said, frowning at Twilight. Twilight took a moment to look at her tail, and then her mouth tentacles. “I….suppose it could be worse.” Twilight said, and I smiled a bit. “That’s the spirit.” I chuckled. “Now, on three…” I said, as I knew that we were all thinking along the same lines. One. Two. Three.
“Dammit Discord.”
***
It took a few days to get everything accounted for, but Discord had kept his word. Only those who had ingested the tatzltea had become tatzlponies. At the end of the national consensus, we found it to be about a fifty fifty split, of those converted and those not. After my big announcement, we mourned tea together as a nation, but disposed of any and all signs of it. It was tainted, after all. I put on a good show, giving public speeches about unity, togetherness, and finding new, exciting beverages to enjoy.
Naturally, though, ponies will be ponies. Basically, still slightly xenophobic. I found that, more often than not, non tatzlponies actually prefered my sister to myself. Not that I could blame them, the mouth tentacles were unsettling. Thankfully for the Crystal Empire, only Cadence had enjoyed the tea of that day. Shining Armor was never a big tea drinker, so the crystal ponies got a tatzl and non tatzl in office. It was probably for the best, as well.
Ponyville became the tatzl capital of Equestria, as the whole population had been converted. Twilight and her friends helped everypony adapt as best they could while adapting themselves. Some took it better than others, and we worked on adapting to our new bodies and cultural norms. Earth ponies and pegasi actually took to being able to handle and manipulate things rather well. Much more useful than a pair of hooves.
Eventually, we found a new normal. I took to the lack of tea rather well, while keeping on a sad face. I sampled everything I could. Sodapop, Cider, milk, mixes, until eventually I settled on coffee. Iced, sweetened, and made my own. Naturally, the nation clung to coffee, and to avoid another incident, I simply rotated my beverages. To keep them from all clinging to one drink, as to avoid Discord ever getting to pull the prank again.
And thus, I became the tatzlprincess of Equestria, Tatzlestria. Tea was defeated, I found various ways to get back at Discord, and life was good. Now to wait for the next nation disaster...I hope they like tentacles.
