It Takes A Minute To Catch Her Interest. It Takes But A Second To Be Shot Down.
It was mid-afternoon. A cool summer breeze was blowing, helping to cool down Canterlot and its citizens. However, if one were to fly over this majestic city, they would notice something unusual.
There were hundreds of ponies standing in a line. In that line were also some zebras, gryphons, minotaurs, a strange bipedal thing, and numerous batponies . The line stretched as far back as the city’s entrance.
The line disappeared in a violet-domed tent. There was music and laughter all around, but if one were to look at the faces of the ponies in line, one would see the lines of worry and anxiousness crease their face.
Amidst the fanfare, there stood a simple wooden sign at the entrance of the tent.
Citizens of Equestria
A pleasant day to you all!
Recent events have warranted the need for a date for my sister this coming Hearts and Hooves Day. In line with this, and upon the counsel of my Royal Left Hoof, Doctor Quack, we have set up this Speed Dating Event to find the Special Somebody for my sister.
Everyone is invited to join, be they ponies, batponies, zebras, gryphons, hydras, vamponies, zomponies and so on.
This Speed Dating event will run the course of three days, or until Princess Luna finds that Special Somebody,
Citizens of Equestria, do you have what it takes to win her heart? To sweep her off her hooves?
Enter now, and get a chance to win that ultimate date with the Princess of The Night!
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any bodily injury, psychological pain, and emotional scarring that will result from this Speed Dating event, and from the Hearts and Hooves Day date. The Equestrian Government will not shoulder any expenses incurred by the participants or the winner. In other words: Enter at your own risk!
P.S.: Vamponies and Zomponies are requested to register first with Twilight on the adjacent tent so they may be properly extermina welcomed!
P.P.S.: Princess Luna did not lose a bet and thus she is doing this of her own slightly free will. Also, watch for that twitch in her eye. It means that she’s nervous.
Let us depart from this narrator nonsense and shift the perspective to Princess Luna’s point of view now, shall we?
LET THE SPEED DATING BEGIN!
I sat there, waiting for the first pony to enter. No makeup on my face, no crown to adorn my head, no armor to shield my body, and most importantly, no swords around me to stab ponies with.
“Faustdamnit!” I muttered.
I should have bucked Doctor Quack while we were vacationing in El Neighdo. Without him, Tia would have never known about my twitch. Faustdamn poker game!
I was broken out of my stupor by one of my Lunar Guards.
“Princess, are you ready? The speed dating event is about to begin.”
I sighed. I told myself to put the Princess persona back on. The show must go on.
“Yes, I am ready. Cauldron Born, thou are relieved of thy duties after thou sends in the first candidate. Inform Night Gyr, War Hammer, Stone Rhino, and Black Lanner that they are relieved as well. Your star is not needed today.”
“But Princess, we are he-“
“My swords, Phobos and Deimos, might not be here to eviscerate thine enemies, but my wrath, and my magic is more than enough for anyone foolish enough to slay me!” I then gave him a glare that could have split Equestria in half.
“As you wish, Princess!” Cauldron Born saluted, and exited the main hall of the tent.
Well here goes nothing. I pray that the stars will bring me someone suitable. If not, I pray to Tartarus that Tia would not be able to tell that I was dating a ponyquinn. If only some deity would answer my prayers.
The first pony entered, and he immediately caught my attention.
Hmm, thou hath a nice body. Sculpted flanks, a firm stomach, a shiny flowing mane, a grizzled face, and a nice tan. A simple cowpony has the courage to come win my heart? An interesting pony indeed!
The pony sat down and tipped his hat. “Howdy Ma’m! Name’s Braeburn!”
Warning klaxons rang inside my head.
Ugh! That voice!
I silenced those klaxons the only way I knew how.
By shouting.
“NEXT!”
Braeburn ran and exited the Tent. I do hope I did not terrify anyone else waiting outside.
The next pony that entered was a rather odd pony. He had sunken eyes, and ashen skin. The temperature in the tent dropped.
“Hello Death. What bringeth thou here?” I asked the ponyfication of death.
“Ayeth haveth cometh toth taketh toueth aw-“ Death coughed. It was a hacking cough, the kind that would force your lungs and guts out.
Death cleared his throat. “Excuse me, may I speak in normal English? Having to add "eth" to every word irritates my throat you see.”
“Both of us know that my speech is just a part of my persona.”
“Yes, Quite. Anyway I have a job to do, and it says that there are ponies here long overdue for their reaping.” Death then pulled out his scythe and started sharpening it. It was a magnificent weapon, and I would have loved to test it against Phobos and Deimos.
Tia always tells you to try the diplomatic approach. One will always lose in a fight with death.
“I’m sorry Death. You must be new to the job? It seems that your predecessor might have forgotten to tell you something.” I then used my magic to summon a scroll. “Read this.”
Death put on his reading glasses.
I heard some mhmmms, some uhms, a few 'Makes sense', and finally a “Faustdamnit.”
“I am sorry, Death, but this contract is eternally binding. And it says here that you cannot kill any ponies in the show.”
“Well, you are right, but I still have a job to do, Princess. Boss needs ponies killed for the sad, tragedy, gore and grimdark sections.”
“There must be no lawyers in your plane of existence.”
“No, I have yet to meet a pony lawyer princess.”
“Well let’s put it this way. It says here on the contract that you cannot kill any ponies that are IN the show.”
Death smiled. It was unnerving. He understood pretty quickly on what I meant to say.
“Thank you very much, Princess Luna!”
Death bowed, and I was certain that I heard the metal of the scythe sing.
I grinned. “You could start with all those alicorn oc’s! They are just taking up space. Then work on the lousy humans and OC ponies please. After you’re done with them, maybe get Doctor Quack my dear?”
Death shooked his head.
“I am sorry, Princess, but I cannot do that. I cannot touch him, or else the writer would write me off the story. He has other plans for Doctor Quack.”
Faustdamnit! “Oh well it was worth a shot. At least Equestria would be rid of all the lousy OC’s and humans that have started popping up everywhere. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
Death smiled, and disappeared, as silent as a thief in the night.
“NEXT!”
In came a Pegasus with comically miniature wings, but with a massive muscular build. His forehooves were the size of some of the smaller fillies I have met. He sat down and placed a forehoof on the table.
I raised an eyebrow.
This day must be celebrated with cake! After a millennium, the Royal Eyebrow has returned! Huzzah! If it’s a hoofwrestling match he wants, it’s a hoofwrestling much he will get!
I placed my forehoof opposite his and with my magic, grabbed the metal grail beside me.
I gave him my harshest glare. He didn’t even blink.
“We start the moment this hits the ground.”
He just smiled.
I focused all my strength on my forehoof, and in doing so, the magic holding the grail dissipated.
CLANG!
“Yeah!” grunted the white pony.
“Neigh!” I answered. He was strong, I’d give him that
“YEAHHH!!!!!” shouted the white pony.
“NEIGHH!!!!!!!” I screamed back.
“YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” bellowed the white pony. It shook the foundations of Canterlot, but it did little to faze me.
I focused all my strength on my forehoof. I then roared my battlecry. The heavens thundered with my fury!
“NEEEEEEIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
THUD!
The white pony was defeated. He stood up, bowed, and thanked me for this test of might.
I smiled and told him that I wanted him competing for Canterlot on the next Equestrian Games. He gave his sincerest apologies, and told me that he already was on the Ponyville team.
Once again he bowed, and made his exit, and I took the chance to put back the grail on my table.
The next few ponies were uninteresting. There was this blonde maned Pegasus who thought this was the line for muffins. Some were lecherous old ponies. Yes, I do raise the moon every night, but it would need all the magic in this universe to let something in them rise.
There was that cute foal from Trottingham. I liked him, so we set a playdate. I then sent a letter to Tia, informing her of our “date”, but she replied by saying that what I needed was a Special Somebody for Hearts and Hooves day, and not a playdate for next week.
Rarity’s ponyquinns are looking more and more attractive with each passing minute.
The next pony looked to be a good catch. I found him dashing with his monocle, a fine mustache, a tidy combed mane, and a well pressed suit. A pony that seemed to know the ways of the world. This must be the Fancy Pants that Rarity was always raving about.
“Well, what brings you here, handsome?” I asked in the most seductive way possible.
“Oh, yes. Please don’t mind me. I seem to have lost my marefriend. She has a knack of showing up whenever I start talking to a beautiful mare such as yourself.”
“Unicorn, white coat, pink mane with a body like that of a supermodel perhaps?” I raised an eyebrow.
Huzzah! This day will undoubtedly be celebrated with cake! The Royal Eyebrow has truly returned!
“Why, yes! Such an accurate description! Jolly good show my dear!”
“She’s standing right behind you.”
“I have no idea how she does it actually. She must be related to Pinkie Pie. Come now Fleur, off we go.”
He then led his marefriend out of the tent but not before I heard a sharp 'SLAP!'
The great Princess Luna reduced to mere prop! What have I done in my life, or in my past lives to deserve this?
“NEXT!”
In came a mint green unicorn. I seem to remember her being the one they called Lyra.
A mare trying to woo me? Tis odd but tis a new age for Equestria, I might as well give it a shot.
“Greetings Princess Luna!” she said.
Minty fresh breath. A nicely done mane. Just the right amount of makeup. Neat and tidy coat...And she has a harp for a cutie mark! Surely she would woo me with songs that will be sung through the ages! Don’t screw this up Luna!
“What brings thou here, uhm, Lyra? I do hope I got thine name right.”
“Actually princess, I was hoping you’d set me up with that human in ponyville....”
“Doctor Quack? I do recall him telling Twilight that every time you see him, you panic, spill your hayshake and, start running around like crazy.”
“It’s not what it looks like! I don't know where those hayshakes come from! ’m just-“
“HE’S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!” I screamed.
Lyra screamed her head off, and ran like a bat out of hell. She kept bumping into the anything she could find. Thank Faust she was finally able to find the exit. The thought of Doctor Quack’s near finished pinball machine came into mind, and I laughed upon seeing the similarities between Lyra and the machine.
Poor Lyra, but she deserved it! No one turns the princess into a dating service! Wait, where did this hayshake come from?
I took a few minutes to clean up the mess caused by Lyra's commotion. I also grabbed two apples from the cooler, ate one, and placed the remaining apple on my table for later. I took a peek outside and saw three beings standing there. One had the shape of my nemesis.
With the onset of night, the other ponies must have gone home. Or maybe, I scared them away.
“NEXT!” I cried.
In came a pegasus with a yellow coat and a pink mane. She looked so familiar and yet so different.
“Fluttershy, is that you?”
She answered with a loud hiss.
“What happened? Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe call Twilight here?”
“HISSSSSS! HISS! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! HISSS! HISSSSS! HISSS! HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!.......Hisssss”
Well, she’s pretty behaved. Her eyes were looking at something though. Oh, the Apple!
I picked up the apple with my magic, levitated it upwards, and noticed Fluttershy following it with her eyes. I levitated the apple downwards, and she followed it as well.
I recalled Doctor Quack telling my sister the almighty code, and levitated the apple in that sequence. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. Then, with all my might, I hurled the apple skywards, ripping a hole in the tent.
Fluttershy, or should I say Flutterbat, raced after the apple, tearing an even bigger hole in the tent.
That should keep her busy. Now to deal with the big thorn in my side
I cleared my thoughts and took a deep breath. I needed to be of sharp mind to deal with this being. Discord was a walk in the park compared to this evil.
“I saw you standing outside. There is no need to surprise me. Come in, Doctor Quack.”
Doctor Quack entered and sat down.
Here he is, the most vile manipulator in all of Equestria. Never underestimate this human, and his magic immunity. He already has Celestia, Cadence, and Twilight under his sway, but not the Princess of the Night. Next time, instead of blasting him with magic, I’ll just pick up a boulder and smash him with it instead. Magic might not hurt him, but a fifty ton mountain might.
“Good evening Loony, any luck?”
“DON’T YOU DARE USE THAT TONE ON ME PEASANT!” I roared. “THAT TONE MIGHT WORK ON MY SISTER BUT DON’T YOU DARE USE IT TO ADDRESS ME! SHOW RESPECT TO THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT.”
He answered with an eye roll.
“RAAAGGHGGHHGHGHHG!!!!!!!!”
I AM SO GONNA GO NIGHTMARE MOON ON-WAIT, WHY IS HE RAISING HIS ARM? IS HE SURRENDERING? WHAT IS HE HOLDING?!?! OH NO!!! Calm down Luna! Quiet the inferno that is your anger. He has something that can blackmail you.
I did my best to quench the raging inferno inside me. I tried to ask him in a regal manner, but what came out was a weak and feeble voice.
“Why, yes it is, your majesty. I found this lying around the Treehouse, and I have no idea how it got there. It didn’t seem to have been opened or anything, so I guess your secrets are safe. Here, and no need for the reward.”
He smiled, and gave me back my diary.
How kind of him. But, why is he still sitting there with an ever so smug smile? There must be a catch.
“You didn’t read my diary did you?”
“No princess I did not read YOUR diary. However, since I needed a backup of everything that I find in the Treehouse, I had Twilight do a copy spell on it. I did not read YOUR diary, I just read the COPY of your diary. I really love the Nightmare Moon part. I also loved the excuse on why you were nowhere to be seen during the changeling-“
I was dejected. “Let’s cut to the chase. What is this going to cost me?”
“I want a slightly used virgin sacrificed in my honor.”
I was taken aback by his answer.
“A slightly used virgin? What in Eques-.”
“I’m kidding Princess. Here’s what I want. I recently went underground to meet with Queen Chrysalis. She says that Nightmare Night is her favorite holiday. She wishes to join our Nightmare Night festivities without being hunted down. She plans to dress as Nightmare Moon this year. I'll be the one to keep an eye on her, and on every Nightmare Night hereafter. Will you allow her?"
There must be a method to his madness. The price is too low.
“Is that all Doctor?”
“Some steaks and wine. You have royal connections, I’m pretty sure you can get me some steak.”
Is he drooling? He must be fantasizing about that steak! But even I, the Princess of the night, cannot go against the whole of Equestria to get him his steak.
“I am sorry doctor, but I cannot get you the steak.”
He sighed. “It was a long shot but it was worth a try. Can you bring the wine at least?”
I nodded. Wine would be easy.
“One more thing. No moon the night after Nightmare night. I want to see this world's night sky in all of its glory."
“I never imagined you to be a lover of the night sky, doctor.” A kindred soul perhaps?
“After finding myself here in Equestria, I found a new sky to explore and its wonders have captivated me.” Doctor Quack continued. “That’s all I’m asking in exchange for my silence: Chrysalis being allowed to join our festivities, some wine, and a night where you don’t moon me."
I giggled like a teenaged schoolpony. “Done! Are you sure you don’t want company on that night my dear doctor?”
He laughed “I’m having too much fun being your enemy. I find it cute when your eyes twitch. Maybe we stop fighting, and agree to disagree?"
I blushed. “I’m looking forward to it doctor.”
“Anyways, I have to go. I have to scatter the ashes of the copy of your diary, that way, there would be no means for someone to reconstruct it with magic.”
“Thanks Doc.”
Doctor Quack then bowed and made his exit.
Well that was unexpected. I wonder if that last pony is still waiting.
“Hello? Anyone still out there? You can come in now!”
In stepped Pinkie’s sister, Maud Pie.
Her here? I know that she’s been dating Trixie this past few months. Did they break up?
“Greetings Maud Pie! What brings you here?”
Silence.
“Find any good rocks lately?”
Nothing.
“I am sorry, Maud, but I find myself at a loss for words.”
Maud just looked at me.
I was starting to feel awkward. My eye started twitching.
I pointed to the apple. “Want a bite?”
*Cricket noises*
I just sat there looking at Maud.
Finally, something broke the tension. Maud moved and place a charred rock on my table.
“Boulder found this, and he wanted you to have it.”
A charred rock? That’s it? Might as well show my interest in this rock to her. She did wait for hours for a chance to talk to me. There doesn’t seem to be anything inter...Wait, I know this shape. I’ve seen this rock before! It can’t be! It’s impossible! How in Faust’s name did HE end up here!?!?!? He’s a moon rock!! How did he....
“Rocky?!”
I saw Maud look at me.
“He fell from the sky last week. He told Boulder about you, so we brought him here. We are happy to see you happy.”
Maud then left. No further words were needed. The look she gave told volumes on what she was thinking right now.
“HUZZAH HUZZAH HUZZAH!” I screamed in the Royal Canterlot voice. “I have found one of my long lost friend! He shall be my date on Hearts and Hooves day!!! HUZZAH!!!”
Something shimmered by the exit, just out of Luna’s sight.
After the auditory assault on her eardrums, it was hard to focus on her invisibility spell, thus she stopped her channeling. Her head was down, and her hoof was on her face.
Celestia sighed. “Today we have seen the return of the Royal Eyebrow, and we welcome Rocky to Equestria. And on this day, we also see the return of the Royal Facehoof.”