Frickin' Bees!
A beautiful spring day in the lovely loving town that was Ponyville. All the citizens were trotting about, and the birds and the sun were singing as they went across the top of the sky. Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and Awesome, walked among her fellow pony people, enjoying the weather and the scenery that was her home.
“Oh what a wonderful day,” she said with a smile. “I think for once, instead of overlooking the upkeep of the town like any proper pony politician, I’ll stop to smell the roses.”
And so she did! ...By going over to the rose stand near the town square. Rose vendor Roseluck was there to meet her, and gave her a wave.
“A most fine and wonderful day, Princess,” she remarked in a loud and happy tone. “Jolly good weather for rose-selling, I tell you wot.”
“Most certainly indeedy,” Twilight replied just as loudly. “Makes a pony want to be more civilized.”
“Top right dandy no bollocks there, crumpets tea kettle marmalade chim-chiminy-cheroo.”
“And how!”
With the object of her floral desire before her, Twilight Sparkle leaned forward to catch a whiff of nature’s sublimity. Immediately her regal yet humble senses were hit with a fragrance that no artificer could properly match in terms of naturalness, and all was good in the world for it. Yet she caught herself before snorting something else entirely, for a lone bee had flown within close proximity of her muzzle. Pulling back, she watched it buzz about its busy way and grinned at its calculated hovering.
“Well hello there, little guy,” she greeted the friendly bee. “Out collecting nectar, are you? Or are you just enjoying the weather?”
Clearly the bee wasn’t flapping about for leisure, but on an afternoon like this Twilight permitted herself a smidge of ignorant whimsy. Her attention quickly shifted as another bee buzzed in to join its fellow drone.
“Guess I spoke too soon.” She allowed herself a light laugh, just as another bee joined the two, which was then followed by another. And then another. Then two more. Then five. “Uhhh, okay…”
Her princessy ears perked up to a growing sound. The air was steadily becoming more abuzz, but turning around, she beheld to her shock that it wasn’t from anticipation. There were suddenly bees everywhere, and they were attacking everyone! As ponies shouted, cried and tried to flee from the stinging masses, Twilight spun around in time to see the fuzzy buggers demolishing Roseluck’s stand.
“Dear crikey chips Saxon wanker privy on the Thames!” was all she could shout before the bees made her stand collapse on top of her with a squish.
Twilight looked around in dismay. Bees where flying everywhere and hurting ponies and making everything sad.
“I must get to my Friendship Castle and think up something to save everypony!” And so she went!
Twilight galloped headlong through the simple town streets, now overrun with screaming ponies and raging bees and general chaos. Much stinging filled the air to match the incessant buzzing, which were barely drowned out by the cries of the horrified and dying. But Twilight ran on, knowing it was up to her to save the day like always.
Twilight ran to her castle near the edge of town, but skidded to a halt for she saw it was covered in layers and layers of angry bees! In a panic she shouted, “Spike! We must get out of here quickly!” But Spike had already been beed to smitheroons, and so she left.
Despair began to creep into Twilight’s mind over the death and terror filling the town, as well as a butt-ton of bees. The death of her number one assistant also weighed heavily on her princessy heart, but then she got an Idea: her other friends! Using her magic, she withdrew the Conch of Friendship from her sleek mane and blew into it a blow of most dire assemblage. The call was instantly answered by the pink party pony prancing about popping pesky pests for the preservation of ponydom, Pinkie Pie!
“Pinkie! We need to get everypony and get to Canterlot! Celestia might know how to fix all this!” Twilight subtly explained.
“Okie Pokie Malokie, Smokie!” Pinkie cheered. “I’m on it like Sperglords on Derpy!”
“Great! First, we need Rainbow Dash.”
“Yessirino!” With that, Pinkie Pie launched straight up into the air, only to come down with Rainbow Dash in her grasp, who in turn had a Nap Cloud in hers.
“Rainbow! How can you sleep with all the buzzing, not to mention the sounds of friends and loved ones dying horribly stingy deaths!” Twilight politely chastised.
“Huh? That’s the sound I always hear when I sleep,” Rainbow Dash replied.
Twilight re-explained the plan to Rainbow Dash, who immediately thought was almost as awesome as her. But then!
“We need to get Rarity quick,” Rainbow inputted. “She won’t last long with all these bees, not to mention death.”
“I agree.” And so they went!
The pony girl trio battled and batted their way past the angry swarms, hopping over the occasional sprawled-out or fleeing citizen. Soon they made it to Carousel Boutique, and just in the Nick Swanson of time, for Jerry Seinfeld bee was in the midst of serenading the frightened fashionista.
“♪If I was a flower growing wild and free, all I’d want you to be is my sweet honey—”
“AIEEE!!” Rarity screamed as she swatted and smashed the intruding funny bee repeatedly into the ground with a rolled up newspaper. “Disgusting bugs, leave me alone!”
Twilight and friends went up to meet Rarity and told her their great plan, to which she wholeheartedly agreed to join. Next they all agreed to look for Applejack next, until,
“What do we do about Fluttershy?” Dash queried.
“I’m sure she’ll be safe way out in her cottage,” Twilight posited, and the rest concurred. So off they went again!
The scene in town had only gotten crazier and worsened with each passing trot. At one point, they passed by some background stallion writhing on the ground in bees and shouting,
“What is that what is that what is that? Oh no, not the bees! Not the Bees! AAAAAAAA—” but then he was smothered before he could finish that overplayed meme.
Twilight and friends continued their search amid the horrors that only an Olympic pool’s worth of bees could produce, with Rarity doing her part and swatting every cheeky drone that dared get within a foot of her, resulting in a long pile of dead bees following in their wake like bread crumbs in the Valley of Death. After some time a new horror arose, quite literally, to the girls’ shock. The ponies who were either stung or choked to death came back to life as Zombees!
Twilight and friends screamed predictably, and as they did so, a black man in a long coat with a hook hand arose from the dead bee pile and grabbed Rarity, dragging her into the deep dark abyss without anyone’s notice. The other friends were about to be attacked by the zombees, but just then an orange blur came from the rooftops and into the fray. It was Applejack, come to save them like a boss!
“Yee-Haw!” she hollered as she went at the zombees like a madmare, pulling off lariats and suplexes and clotheslines and smashing undead pony heads into the ground with a smush. She punched a zombee and then hit some others in the legs, making them fall, and then Applejack began stomping on them and killing them. Applejack looked at dead dead ponies and said to them,
“Zombees, we are living ponies and you are zombees but we don’t need to hurt others like ourselves.”
As Applejack kept fighting the zombees, Twilight yelled at her the plan to go to Celestia for help against the bees.
“Yall get outta here! I’ll take care of these varmints!” she declined while disemboweling the zombee formally known as Bon Bon. Not sure how she could do that with just a blunt hoof, but whatever ANYWAY!
So the girls left their dear violent friend and escaped Ponyville once and for all! They had to run the rest of the way to Canterlot, though, because the trains and chariots were overtaken and possessed by bees and dead ponies. They made no delays in seeking the princess, however not long after leaving the outskirts of Ponyville they were attacked by a racially-offensive black man in a bee suit and leisure suit and platform shoes!
Mojo King Bee pulled out his Gitaroo Trumpet and was about to groove at the girls, but then Pinkie Pie jumped forth and called upon her own magical guitar. A rock showdown was to happen! But then,
“You go ahead, girls,” she said. “I’m gonna show this jive turkey exactly what it means to rock.”
Twilight was reluctant to leave Pinkie after Applejack and Rarity but she and Rainbow Dash went anyway without looking back. Sparkle Twilight and Dash Rainbow ran faster than fast over the fields and plains, far from the bees that ruined their spring day and most of their friends. It was a race against time to save the town—neigh, THE WORLD!
But unbeknownst to the harried horse girls, way back in the woods of Everfree, a most beleaguered Dragon Warrior had been violently expelled from an oak, followed shortly by a deranged doped-up doofy despot in a snazzy blue cape. With much a-tumble the scaly swordsman went through leaves and branches, scuffing his suit. A kind elm stopped him, but the rumbling rowdy-rouser jaunted over to squash him!
Just then! The dragon, who was clearly a Spike that hadn't been beed to death, reached behind the elm and pulled out a unique wepon. He then pissed himself up and said,
“No, I win,” to himself, outloud, before shoving an IV needle into the beastman’s neck. Instantly a pouch of saline pumped into him, purging his veins of drugs and removing his muscles, reducing him to the skinny loser he always was at heart. No longer at threat, Spiked Dargon raised his sword and gave chase, the slappy man running away waving his arms like a girly girl before diving into some bushes, followed then by hero. But back to the actual girls! —>
Soon they made it to city limits of the City of Canterlot. By that time the sky had become orange because of the sunset that was happening nearby, so no more time could be wasted! But then, as Twilight and Dash were about to enter the city, the ground opened up and a massive wide-screen TV floated up into the air before them. It turned on with static, but cleared up to reveal Princess Celestia herself! However, she was different. Celestia was sitting at a desk, wearing a black suit and military-grade sunglasses and had her forehooves together.
“Ah, you have come very far, my former student,” she greeted them with smile.
“Princess Celestia! Bees are attacking Ponyville and we need your help! Ponies are dying and houses are being ruined and everypony is sad because of it!” Twilight graciously elaborated.
“I know this, Twilight, for I was the one who sent the bees!”
Twilight and Rainbow were shocked beyond all measure. Their one hope, had become their one enemy!
“But why?” Twilight pleaded. “I thought you loved all ponies, so why did you send bees after them?”
“So naive, but I’ll explain,” Celestia answered. “I’ve accepted that Equinity is a flawed race that must be eradicated. I had suspected this around the time I banished Luna, but I thought I’d give them another thousand years to improve. At first it looked like they would, but after Luna returned it quickly worsened, and now they all must die! In their place I’ll raise an empire of deadly, devout and loyal bees to rule the world and do my bidding without question. And the capital of this grand new regime shall no longer be called Canterlot, but will be renamed: Studio Bee!”
“You monster!” Rainbow shouted.
“And you will have the honor of dying at the hands of my ultimate weapon. Finally, it is time for you to die. Farewell.”
The evil TV went away, but suddenly the ground rumbled violently as a massive hole appeared, and rising up from it was a massive fat robotic bee!
HACHI
Six cylinder turrets popped out from the bloated evil and readied to fire. Although Twilight trembled at this threat and the betrayal of her cherished former mentor, Rainbow Dash stepped forward with a grimace.
“We have to fight, Twilight,” she encouraged. “Ponyville and all the world is depending on us!”
Then Rainbow leapt into the sky and entered battle! The mecha-bee began firing streams of red and blue bullets, but Rainbow swerved and dove through them like a pro. Next, two gun barrels appeared from the base of her wings and she began returning fire.
“Since when could you grow guns from your shoulders?!” Twilight cried out in surprise.
“Like, since always,” was the response. “It’s something all pegasi can do. Sheesh, for a massive egghead, you sure can be dumb about regular stuff.”
So Rainbow Dash kept firing for Everlasting Peace while Twilight provided ground support by shooting Magic like BANG BANG BANG. Eventually through their combined effort the robo-bee began exploding, however only part of its front and back blasted off as it entered its Second Form! Four lasers shot out from its back like wings and it grew a stretchy stinger which started firing even more dakka at the girls. But Rainbow Dash wasn’t going to be discouraged by something as trivial as extra bullets.
“Alright big and ugly, bring it on!”
But then Rainbow got sniped by a stray red bullet.
“You can’t be serious,” she whined as she plummeted. Plummeted from a height so great that you would die, which is exactly what she did.
Twilight gasped in horror at the messy loss of her friend, but she immediately became mad and angry and stared at the killer bee with glaring death. Calling upon her princessy strength, her horn fired off a powerful purple laser that tore a hole right through the monster, causing it to explode in a boom. But suddenly a ball of light shot out from the wreckage, followed by the most heart-pounding chaotic piece of music ever featured in a shmup! However, Twilight’s mouth hung open not from the dope sounds, but at what emerged from the ball of light.
“F-Fluttershy?!”
Indeed, it was the cream-coated pegasus herself, except she was wearing her bee costume, and her eyes were blazing crimson. Oh, and one other thing: That pony was on FIYAAAAA!
“That’s correct, Twilight!” Celestia’s TV popped in enthusiastically. “That timid pegasus friend of yours is the reason I am able to control so many wondrous bees, and she will be the commander of my new glorious army! Now, go forth, HibaShy! Search and Destroy!!”
The flaming pegasus complied, conjuring up a massive swarm of deadly bees, which she then sent forth straight at her bewildered lavender friend.
“Here, I will save you!”
From out of nowhere, Henry Winkler leapt in front of Twilight and faced the attack head-on, only to become hopelessly covered in bees. Twilight looked down with overwhelming sadness, but immediately looked right back up with renewed determination at her burning friend.
“For those who have fallen today, I shall not lose to you!”
Immediately Twilight’s wings popped off, only to be replaced with six glorious wings of divine energy, her head gaining a crown of purest Friendship that radiated brighter than the sun, and made the rest of herself glow as well. Six laser cannons arose from her majestic back, and her horn grew three sizes that day for sheer winning. (Author’s Note: Were you expecting Rainbow Form? Fat chance!)
“This is for the Fonz!!”
Twilight took flight and fired off everything she had at the bee-ified pegasus. The skies of Equestria radiated as it filled with a roiling storm of magic, bullets and tons of angry bees as two powerful combatants fought for the fates of all who dwelled below. HibaShy eventually unleashed a veritable whirlpool of bees that surely would have ended Twilight then and there. But luckily she achieved a Level 1 Hyper and activated it, causing a ludicrous amount of Bee Cancels while also unleashing a shining beam of Golden Disaster right at her target.
A few seconds of this barrage was all it took to finish off HibaShy, who gave off several miniature explosions before erupting into one gargantuan blast that cleared the sky of all projectiles. As she fell back to the ground, a large red bee popped out from her and hovered where she had been before.
“Uh oh, Twilight-sempai noticed me!”
The bee that was Hibachi quickly buzzed a few circles before fleeing into Outer SPAAAACE!, taking along all the bees in Equestria. They also inadvertently brought along a crippled Nic Cage, who managed to shout “Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!” before disappearing along with the rest of the swarm. And with that, the day was saved and the rest of Equestria was spared a very loud, stingy fate.
But at what Cost?
Landing upon her delicate shiny hoofies, Twilight broke into a run to her fallen friend. She entered into a slide once she was close, bringing her down and next to the broken pegasus.
“Fluttershy!”
A pair of eyes weakly opened through a blood-matted mane, but upon seeing the familiar alicorn hovering over her, a smile formed on Fluttershy’s battered face.
“Twilight… I’m so glad you’re okay. I didn’t mean to… do all that… to you.”
“How did this happen to you?” Twilight asked, lip a-quiver over the numerous injuries that covered the bloodied mare.
“It came to me. That… red bee. So full of… hate, and destruction. I... took him in. I tried to… control him… Hmph, you can see who got the better of us.”
“Baka!” Twilight cried with a headshake. “Why didn’t you come to us? We could’ve put a stop to it before it could get to anypony! Why did you have to take it upon yourself?”
“For all his wrath… he was still a living creature, and I couldn’t bear the thought of… killing him, without giving him a chance. And, for once, I wanted to be the one who saved everypony. But… instead… I nearly destroyed us all. *Sniff* I’m so stupid…”
“Don’t say that,” Twilight said with tears growing in her ducts. “Celestia just used you, but we can still fix everything. Once we get back, we’ll make it all like it was before. You and all of our friends in Ponyville.”
“I’m afraid… it’s too late, for me.” To this, Fluttershy coughed up a delicate spurt of blood.
“W-what?” Twilight choked out amid the blood specks on her muzzle.
“I won’t be coming back… I’m too far gone… Anypony, can clearly see that… So there’s no point kidding ourselves.”
“N-no, you’ll get better! I-I’ll take care of you, heal you with my magic, which I could’ve used to resolve all of this quicker now that I think about it! Just hang in there; I’ve already lost too many friends today! I can’t lose you too on top of all that!!” Twilight shouted through a shower of tears.
“I’m sorry, Twilight… that I couldn’t have been strong enough. But… just know, that I loved, and will forever cherish all the time we spent together. With you, and everypony else. Always…”
“Don’t do this. Please don’t do this to me! Please!”
“Tell everypony I’m sorry for all that I’ve done… and see that all my animals… get loving homes…”
“Noo!”
“Hee, it’ll be alright, Twilight.” Fluttershy turned her dimming gaze to the darkening orange sky, feeling the warmth of the setting sun. She made a grin at the soothing feel on her weary flesh. “I never thought it would end like this. But… I’m glad I’m not alone for it.” A pause as her eyes began to close, but only after uttering a final “Arigato” did her breathing stop and she gave in to eternal sleep, at long last free from the world’s sufferings. A shame there still remained one to bear it all.
“FLUTTERSHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!”
And so only one heroine remained to see the sun set on that incredibly traumatic and random-ass day. Many lives lost, and nearly as many hearts broken. But finally, the world was silent of buzzing, and could rebuild itself. What future awaits for those who must pick up the pieces and make sense of it all? Well let’s find out!
Le Epilogue
In the wake of the calamity that came to be known as “Gunfire Angry Bee”, Twilight Sparkle was made supreme ruler of all Equestria, for Celestia had fled after the failure of her treachery, and the other two princesses were discovered to have been canonized days before (with an actual cannon).
With the departure of Hibachi and all the world’s bees, the splendor of vegetation everywhere decayed, making much of the world barren and immensely dreary for its inhabitants, made especially worse by the absence of Pinkie Pie.
After defeating Mojo King Bee, Pinkie took up the mantle of Gitaroo Mane and departed Planet Equestria to deliver rockin’ justice throughout the universe.
Following the devastation to her farm, Applejack entered an underground MMA fighting circuit to support herself and elude the numerous second-degree ponecide charges on her head. She never looked back.
Rarity remains missing, and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are still dead. So in all, a mostly sorta kinda good ending all around?
However…
Somewhere else, far in the future, a man of crazed ambition was planning his latest heinous plot. Suddenly, a divine light filled the dark confines of his offices, and he looked up to behold a most peculiar, though not unfamiliar visitor.
“Hello again, Taisa. Would you mind giving me some more creative input?”
MISSION COMPLEETO