(Not so) Typical Changeling in Equestria
Not so Typical Changeling in Equestria
by
TheBigStallowski
It had been over a year since the horrid defeat of the Changelings at Canterlot. Much has happened since then: The return of the Crystal Empire, the reformation of Discord, Twilight becoming an Alicorn Princess, the defeat of Tirek, Vinyl Scratch's coronation, the death of Spike, and more.
Rump Ruffler was a Changeling in Queen Chrysalis' mighty army. They were all her soldiers, all her little soldiers to do as she pleased. But Rump Ruffler wasn't just any Changeling. No, he was actually the dankest and edgiest member of his whole species. He sat in his honeycomb-shaped-thing that Changelings sit in most of the time, his fedora neatly hung on a hat rack. Most of these little hexagonal dens illuminated green, though his was brighter from all the Mountain Dew bottles that lined the walls. Nopony (or NoChangeling in this case) understood him due to his might euphoria.
Suddenly a large, muscular Changeling Knight buzzed to his den: Sergeant Buzzfeeder. What. A fucking. Pleb. This bitch was horrible at quickscoping, let alone no-scopes. He'd always be bottom of the match every time he'd join hive-wide deathmatches on COD due to his inferior abilities. But of course, Chrysalis always chose muscle-bound douchenozzles like him to mate with and produce the next batch.
"Private Ruffler, the Queen wishes to speak to you."
Now this was strange. Chrysalis wanted to speak to him? Rump Ruffler? The Supreme Euphoric Changeling? He actually got to speak with the Queen? HOLY DICKSHIT, BY LUNA (peace be upon her), THIS WAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW HIS SUPREME GENTELPONYNESS! He quickly snatched his fedora off the wall. "I'll be right there for M'lady!"
Buzzfeeder just rolled his pupilless eyes and buzzed away. Fucking pleb. Rump Ruffler grabbed his fedora and flew off.
. . .
Rump Ruffler entered the central chamber, where Chrysalis stood expectedly. Was this it? Was he gonna finally spread his seed for the next batch, creating another battalion of entirely euphoric, dank Changelings?
"Rump Ruffler." she spoke, addressing him.
"M'lady" he replied, tipping his fedora. So mysterious. He couldn't see a damn thing because of the intensity of his tipping, he'd been practicing for years. But he was certain she was wet as a walrus. Not to compare the beautiful m'lady Chrysalis to a walrus, that is.
"I've got an important mission for you," she spoke in her seductive, echoing, deep, sexy voice. She so wanted his D, he could tell; his fedora still tipped over his eyes. "You can stop that." she said flatly. He lifted the brim, hopeful he had not offended m'lady and her grace.
"What is the mission, m'lady?" he asked, hopefully to get things back on track.
"You're very different," she began.
"Uh-huh."
"You often deviate from mission perameters,"
"Yes,"
"You show little regard for the will of your superiors and are often a loner amongst the hive, save for the occasional online gaming match. I haven't a clue why I still allow those anyway, they've slowed progress so dramatically."
Typical. Girls didn't like video games, she'd rather be mistreated by someone like Buzzfeeder. But he could not offend M'lady if he were to achieve his goal to bed the beautiful queen of the Changelings. Dat oedipus complex. "Uh-huh."
"You harbor a love for pony-made material goods, especially video games and Mountain Dew. That's why I'm sending you on a mission to infiltrate ponyville and lead the way for an invasion. I've sent many Changelings across Equestria, but all they seem to do is find true love, make friends, and all sorts of other things."
"How am I to do this, M'lady?"
"You have to gain the trust of the dumbest member of the mane six. Unfortunately, because my contacts report that Spike died of The Polio, you'll have to befriend a different one. Then lead them away from Ponyville as we steal ALL of the town's love!"
She doesn't need to steal their love. M'lady only needs take mine... Rump Ruffler thought to himself. But regardless, he had to do this. Perhaps once he completed this mission, he would no longer be friendzoned by Chrysalis.
. . .
Ponyville.
Rump Ruffler was now disguised as a red and black pegasus pony wearing a fedora. It was perfect, he would fit right in and be TOTALLY NOT INCONSPICUOUS. He looked at the cloud-house of the dumbest pony in the mane six. A shit-eating grin shot across his face as he flew towards the house and knocked on the door. It was soon answered by Rainbow Dash.
"Hey, who're you? Uh... what can I help you with?"
"Rump Ruffler," he tipped his hat. "M'lady...". It was perfect. She was so clearly seduced by that look of her raised eyebrow and cocked head.
"Okay.... can I help you?"
"M'lady, I would like to be your friend."
Rainbow Dash simply stared at this anomalous pegasus. This was most certainly a confusing scenario. Twilight had told her to look out for Changelings, but surely this pony was not inconspicuous enough to be a Changeling, right? Right? She decided to press on. "So you need a place to crash for the night or something? Couch is free." Twilight had also told her to be good friends with everypony. She'd ask Twilight for advice, but she was probably busy with recovering from last night, so she didn't want to bother.
Rump Ruffler graciously accepted. Upon entering her house, he saw that the living room reminded him very much of his den: with mountain dew bottles and doritos wrappers strewn about, an Xbox 360 hooked up to the TV, dubstep playing in the background and a slight smell of some dank kush. "You're... you're..." he fumbled for the words.
"MLG? Heck yeah!"
"I bet I can quickscope better than you on Cod!"
"You're on!"
And so the two got on the couch and played. He was very impressed: he'd not seen anyone that good at quickscoping, especially on Rust. He looked over at her during one of his killcams. She was such a beautiful mare... focus, Rump! The score is tied!
They wandered through the map. He then saw her. He bellowed at the top of his lungs "GET NO SCOPED!!!" and fired without touching the left trigger. The game was over. He'd won, through the power of dank. He was the true MLG gamer. He looked over to her. "You're... you're so... beautiful. I love you."
Rainbow Dash looked him in the eyes. "I... I think we should just be friends." she said as she patted him on the back.
Fucking.
Friendzoned.
Again.
No, he wouldn't take it. "But... but why?"
"Sorry, I like chicks."
Curses! The perfect pony was a lesbian! But wait, he was a shapeshifter! He then shape-shifted into a mare.
Rainbow saw this, and felt odd. She couldn't quite place it. THere was something fishy about this whole situation. Was he a Changeling? Tirke? Some trap? She then eyed his fedora. Looking closer and closer, she saw it: a triangle. Now she was spooked.
"YOU'RE A CHANGELING!" she yelled as she reached for her .50 cal. She wouldn't go down easily.
Rump Ruffler wouldn't go down so easily either. He took a puff from his joint, and HOLY SHIT, DANKSCOPING MODE ENGAGED!
WITH HIS EUPHORIA AT MAXIMUM, HE MATRIX-DOGED THE BULLET FROM RAINBOW'S RIFLE, SPRAYING MAGICAL BLASTS FROM HIS HORN EVERYWHERE. BUT RAINBOW FLEW AROUND, TRYING TO TRICKSHOT HIM AS HE DODGED. DAMN THIS BITCH WAS GOOD. HE NEEDED TO PENETRATE HIS MAXIMUM LEVELS OF EUPHORIA TO SUBDUE THIS BITCH.
THERE WAS A BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW ON THE FLOOR NEARBY. HE LUNGED FOR IT, DRINKING ITS CONTENTS. HE COULD FEEL IT COURSING THROUGH HIS VEINS. "IN THIS MOMENT, I AM EUPHORIC. NOT BECAUSE OF SOME PHONY GOD'S BLESSING, BUT BECAUSE I AM ENLIGHTENED BY MY OWN INTELLIGENCE!"
RAINBOW DASH WAS TAKEN ABACK BY THE SHEER AMOUNT OF EUPHORIA IN THAT STATEMENT. WHAT KIND OF PONY DIDN'T BEWLIEVE IN gOD? IT WAS ALL THE TIME Xx_RUMPRUFFLER_xX NEEDED. HE THEN QUICKSCOPED RAINBOW DASH INTO THE FUCKING SKY WITH A CONTINUOUS MARIJUANA LASER. NUMEROUS CALLS ECHOED THROUGH THE AIR.
"GET NO-SCOPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"OH BABY A TRIPLE!"
"OH-OHMYGOD. OHMYGOD. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"MUM, GET THE CAMERA!"
And then Rainbow Dash flew into the remains of the moon.
Fin.