As part of a community service contract, Sunset Shimmer must play the part of a game show host. The idea is to send money to various Equestrian charities. Unfortunately, the goals of the contestants clash with those of Celestia's former student.
"Welcome back to Juxtaposition. I'm your host, Sunset Shimmer. I wish I could say that we were playing for charity. But at this point, I'd be happy to end today with my sanity intact." --- Ever wish your fanfiction had a bit more SNL - Celebrity Jeopardy? Well, shame on you! You should be more careful with what you waste your wishes on. Most of this little side project will be good, clean fun. But slightly more mature themes may slip in from time to time. Please read cautiously. I'm not the first one to think of such a crossover and I know I won't be the last. Edit: August 18, 2014. I'm done with this. It probably shouldn't have dragged for this long anyway. Good afternoon, everyone.
"It says here that you have to take the time slot for Tuesday afternoons as the host of Juxtaposition."
"A game show host? That sounds like fun!"
What the hay was I thinking? Sunset Shimmer grumbled as the theme music started.
The audience was thoroughly enjoying the performance if their cheers and applause were any kind of indication. Hay, a few pairs of sunglasses and hats were being tossed up into the air due to the sheer excitement. The same could not be said for the host pony on the podium. There were six reasons for this. All of them were standing behind stand-up desks with names written out on the front.
Shimmer took a deep breath and faced the camera with a forced smile.
"Welcome back to Pairs Week on Juxtaposition," she said, "Once again, I must remind everyone that we're on a live frequency and that the network discourages throwing around ethnic slurs."
At this point, she let her smile drop before turning to face the line-up of contestants. Two of which seemed preoccupied with mastering the nuances of a proper double-bump, sugar lump, and rump routine.
Shimmer waved a hoof in their general direction. "Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon currently have a score of negative two hundred bits. They missed one question in the first round and stood in their own pride after that."
Diamond harrumphed. "We're just waiting for the right place and the right time."
"Yeah," added Silver, "and you're one to talk about pride. Who dyed your mane? Did they just stuff you down Spitfire's throat so that she could vomit your colors out again?"
The two fillies chuckled at their own little inside joke.
"What did I just say about ethnic slurs?" asked Shimmer rhetorically. She shook her head and pointed to the next pair. "Snips and Snails have a commanding lead with zero bits. For whatever reason, they can't seem to grasp the concept of ringing the buzzer before answering a question."
"Snails, did you hear that?" asked Snips while poking his friend. "We're number one!"
"Woo-hoo!" cheered Snails, "We're geniuseses!"
The audience encouraged them with loud cheers of their own.
Shimmer merely rolled her eyes. "Well, I suppose a winning move is not to play." She wiped a piece of mane hair out of her eyes. "In last place, we have Righty Tidy and Lefty Lucy with a team score of negative four thousand bits."
Lefty Lucy let out a happy bark while Righty Tidy blushed sheepishly. The audience still applauded mindlessly.
"I'm not even mad at you two," commented Shimmer with a baffled expression. "That's amazing."
"We do our best to impress," said Righty with a smirk.
"Indeed," said Shimmer before turning to look at the board. "It's time for Double Juxtaposition and the categories are..."
The first square dinged. "Important Portrayals."
The second square dinged. "Sundials."
The third square dinged. "Movie Characters That End With 'Lash Sentry'."
The fourth square dinged. "Fluttershy's Element."
The fifth square dinged. "Famous Bearded Magicians."
The last square dinged. "What Ponies Think Lyra Heartstrings Is Obsessed With."
Briefly, Shimmer turned back to the audience. "I should add that the answer to every question in that category is 'humans'."
The audience only guffawed in response.
Shimmer kept her face as neutral as possible while staring at her guests. "Snips and Snails, you have the lead. So you get to pick the first question."
"Gosh, Snails," said Snips, "What do you think we should pick?"
"How about geniuseses for one thousand?" asked Snips.
"That isn't a category," pointed out Shimmer. "Tiara and Spoon, do you want to pick something?"
"We'd like to see your mommy pick you up after this is over," said Diamond wryly.
Shimmer stared at them with hollowed-out anger. "My parents are dead."
The audience let out a long "oo" sound.
"Wow," muttered Silver before openly saying, "You're as lame as that blank flank Apple Bloom." The pair went through their bumping routine again.
Shimmer breathed heavily before focusing her magic on one of the numbers on the board.
"Let's go with Movie Characters That End With 'Lash Sentry' for eight hundred." She read the flipped card. "This movie character's name starts with 'F' and ends with 'lash Sentry'."
A buzzer rang.
"Oh, thank Celestia. You figured out how the buzzer works," said Shimmer.
"Um." Snips paused for thought. "Who is... Fiddlestick?"
The audience laughed.
"No." Shimmer shook her head. A second buzzer caught her attention. "Ms. Tidy!"
"Who is Foolish Century?" Tidy asked, provoking a full audience groan.
Shimmer looked flabbergasted. "Wha...? That doesn't even sound like Flash Sentry!"
"Seeing you trip over yourself was worth it," remarked Diamond before bumping Silver once more.
Shimmer loudly sighed. "The correct response was obviously Flash Sentry. He's the only non-crystal pony in the Crystal Empire's Guard. Are they not teaching you kids current events in class these days?"
"Who needs to know those boring things?" Diamond swatted her mane. "My daddy can just pay ponies to make things happen and on his schedule."
"I really hope you don't reproduce," said Shimmer before looking elsewhere. "Snips and Snails, it's still your board."
Snails scratched his chin. "Dur, how about Farm Moose Bears and Dead Magicians?"
The audience chortled at his stupidity.
Shimmer did not. "I've got a better idea. Why don't we try Fluttershy's Element for four hundred?" She magically pulled the card over. "This kindhearted Element of Harmony is represented in spirit by Fluttershy."
Silence permeated the show's set. At least, it was until three beeps signified the end of the idle time.
"None of you know," stated Shimmer in disbelief. "After it was stated multiple times, none of you know what Fluttershy's Element of Harmony is."
Tidy rang her buzzer. "What is Laughter?"
"First of all, you're wrong. Second of all, the time has already expired." Shimmer slowly wiped her face with a hoof. "Well, since Snails is still waiting for a willing brain donor, I will pick the next category. Let's try Sundials for two thousand." She practically tore the card off of its square. "The answer is 'When the sun is at its highest point in the sky, this is roughly the time that is shown on a sundial'."
Snips kicked a random spot that just happened to be his buzzer. "Two-thirty!"
"No," said Shimmer.
Lucy grabbed her team's buzzer between her teeth. The subtitles for her barking read, "What is six?"
Shimmer sighed. "No."
The third team's buzzer rang.
"Oh, good," said Shimmer sardonically, "Tiara and Spoon want to say something."
"It's time to tell you..." started Diamond.
"... how much of a loser you are," finished Silver.
Shimmer ripped the piece of paper in her telekinetic grasp. "Need I remind you that I can turn into a demonic entity and brainwash you if you make me angry?"
"Not on a live broadcast, you can't," said Diamond smugly.
Shimmer clenched her teeth and muttered, "Darn it. How did they know my secret?" She shook her head and cleared her throat. "Since this is getting too ridiculous, let's move onto Final Juxtaposition. Shall we?" She pulled out a new card and read it. "The category is Food. The answer is, 'Anything that ponies eat'. All you have to do is write down something ponies eat."
Three pens scribbled around on the magical sensor boards.
"If it makes it easier for you," added Shimmer, "write down something you eat."
The audience laughed at the simplicity. The theme continued playing in the background for about twenty real-time seconds before the lights returned to normal.
"Let's get this over with, starting with the team in last place." Shimmer trotted over. "Ms. Tidy and Ms. Lucy, what did you manage to come up with?"
Their board briefly showed up for the viewers at home. Instead of a written answer, however, it looked more like an illustration.
"That's a bottle of vitamin tablets," commented Shimmer.
"I don't eat much," said Tidy in surrender. Lucy simply barked with subtitles that read, "Speak for yourself."
"Right." Shimmer sighed. "What did you wager?"
The picture of the vitamin bottle was quickly replaced on screen with a picture of another bottle.
"A bottle of water," noted Shimmer. "I suppose that would be valuable to some ponies."
She trotted to the next desk. "Alright. What horrible mishaps do you two wish to show the class?"
The rich duo's board flashed on screen.
"Lightning?" asked Shimmer before chuckling. "Well, there's a new sports' drink out that's called Lightning. So despite your best efforts, you have given a correct response. Let's see what your wager is."
The screen showed both boards. Diamond and Silver looked quite pleased with themselves.
"Dust sucks?" Shimmer raised her eyebrow. "I don't get it."
Meanwhile, a random pegasus pony was struggling unsuccessfully against two security ponies while she was shouting, "Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!"
"I'm just going to move on," Shimmer said decisively. "Team boys sans Puppy Dog Tails, what was your response to the question of what ponies eat?"
Snips and Snails smiled as their board shined brightly.
"Wonder," read Shimmer out loud. "Uh... that's not any kind of food I've heard of. What about your wager?"
The second board read "Glue".
"Oh, gak." Shimmer's face turned an unhealthy shade of green. She turned briefly back to the audience. "That's all for Juxtaposition today. If you'll excuse me, I have to..." She was off and galloping before she could finish the sentence. Off screen, the audio still gave hints of retching.
The audience closed the broadcast with a big round of applause.
"Wait, no. Not that. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing then."
As the theme song played, Sunset Shimmer swallowed her dose of pain medication for the inevitable headache she was sure to experience. The audience gave their approving applause and cheers as the camera panned around to the show's host.
"Welcome back to Juxtaposition," she said, "Contrary to popular belief, my mane color is natural. With that out of the way, let's introduce our contestants properly."
The number had been cut in half from six ponies from the week prior. Three stood behind the stand-up desks with hoof-written names on the front. Two out of the three were smiling, though not necessarily out of the purity of happy hearts. Either way, Shimmer motioned toward the first pony on the end.
"Mr. Trenderhoof surpassed my expectations by holding a steady score of negative one thousand and two hundred bits."
The crowd laughed at the implications of that statement.
"Hm, yes," the stallion said happily, "Thank you for having me, Ms. Shimmer. I believe this is the second rarest game show set I have ever laid my eyes upon."
As per the light-up prompt, about half of the audience managed to force a coughing laugh after he said that.
"You keep using that word 'rare'," commented Shimmer. "I don't really think that means what you seem to believe it means." She cleared her throat. "Next, we have Fleur who currently holds the highest Juxtaposition positive record of five bits."
Some of the audience laughed while the rest cheered and whistled.
"I don't know how you could get five bits when all of the scores are multiples of one hundred, but I guess that's show business for you."
"It certainly is, Sunset." Fleur smirked. She rested her hooves on the desk flat-side up and her head on top of that. A few of the ponies in the audience hooped and hollered at the mere sight.
"You stay where you are," ordered Shimmer. "Finally, with a score of negative ten thousand bits is Trixie Lulamoon."
The crowd squealed in delight upon her mention. There was even a low deep voice that shouted, "Have my children!"
"Soon you will all see that the Great and Powerful Trixie can't be held down by four measly zeroes," said Trixie while sliding a hoof along the brim of her hat. "Especially you, Shimmer."
"Wonderful." Shimmer deadpanned. "Without further ado, let's move onto Double Juxtaposition. Take a look at the categories."
Upon the board, the squares turned around one by one. Each was highlighted by an audible ding as Shimmer read the words out loud.
"Important Portrayals."
"Famous Treasure Hunters."
"Villains That Exploded At The End Of Their Two-Part Special."
"The Wielder Of The Element Of Honesty."
"The Number Four."
"Spike's Nicknames."
"Since I feel sorry for the underdog," said Shimmer as she turned back to the contestants, "we'll let Trixie choose the first category."
"But of course." Trixie levitated her hat and tipped it before placing it back on her noggin. "The Great and Powerful Trixie always goes first. She will choose Revenge Against Sparkle for one thousand."
The audience laughed when they saw Shimmer's unamused expression. "Trixie, that is not a category. It wasn't a category. It will never be a category."
"You cannot hide Sparkle from Trixie forever, Shimmer!" announced Trixie, "You can only make Sparkle run."
Shimmer shook her head. "I no longer feel sorry for you. Fleur, please select a category and a bit number."
"Hmm." Fleur stroked her mane with her eyes closed. "The number of Eastern death speaks on beautiful breezes today. The Number Four for four hundred, if you'd be so kind."
"At least that was competent." Shimmer breathed easy before pulling the card. "This is the number of hooves you have."
The audience chuckled and snickered. A buzzer rang.
"Mr. Trend," addressed Shimmer.
"That reminds me," said Trenderhoof, "I've been meaning to write a new book all about the most soothing of massaging techniques and hoof rubs. Would you like to hear me explain the premise?"
The timer rang three times.
"Is it too late to bring Tidy and Lucy back?" asked Shimmer more to herself than anypony else.
A new buzzer rang.
"Ms. Lulamoon?"
"My proper title, if you please," scoffed Trixie.
"It's too much of a mouthful for the limited time that we have," Shimmer said.
"What it is," said Trixie, "is a privilege to be used by all who are less great and less powerful than the Great and Powerful Trixie."
The timer rang three times. Trixie's reaction was a surprised widening of her eyes.
"You see what I mean?" asked Shimmer rhetorically.
The third buzzer rang.
"Fleur!" exclaimed Shimmer.
"I only need one to do this." Fleur made a kissy noise into her hoof and then blew out toward the audience. A fraction of the sitting ponies fell backwards in bright pink delight.
"And here I was hoping that a charity would actually get some money," Shimmer said with a shake of her head. "It is still your board, Fleur. Please choose a category."
Fleur stroked her mane. "Hmm, that Spike Ess Nicknames is very curious."
"That's Spike's Nicknames," corrected Shimmer. "Spike's. Nicknames. Here's the answer: 'This is the nickname that Twilight called Spike after his first crushing gaze of Rarity'."
Fleur pressed the button to her buzzer. "Juliet?"
"That is incorrect," said Shimmer with disappointment.
Trixie followed up with her buzzer. "Lizard Boy."
A deeper buzzer blared briefly.
"No," said Shimmer.
"Well, that's what that thing is," insisted Trixie. Some of the audience laughed in agreement.
"No, Trixie," restated Shimmer.
Trenderhoof applied his buzzer. "Tell me what you think of this line: 'Oh, Juliet. Fair Juliet. Why must your name be Juliet?'"
Shimmer put a hoof to her face. "That was dreadful." She turned back to the board and sighed. "Why don't we just go for Villains That Exploded At The End Of Their Two-Part Special for two thousand? There's no way any of you could get this wrong." She pulled the card and read it. "Say, 'King Sombra'."
The audience got a good laugh out of their systems because of that.
Trixie rang her buzzer. "Twilight Sparkle will be sure to explode in defeat once I've surpassed her and make her rue the day that she drove me into hiding!"
"I am this close to ripping your mouth off with duct tape," hissed Shimmer.
After ringing her buzzer, Fleur fluffed her mane with both of her front hooves. "Queen Chrysalis landed pretty far away after the explosion in Canterlot."
"She didn't actually explode, Fleur," said Shimmer, "She was caught in the explosion."
"Oh." Fleur gave a pouty face to the camera. By prompt command, the audience cooed and let out an elongated 'awww'.
Trenderhoof interrupted with a ring of his own. "Would it be possible for me to buy a vowel?"
The audience laughed at his confusion.
"Unbelievable." Shimmer shook her head. "Maybe choosing an answer from The Wielder Of The Element Of Honesty will let one of you break even." She expressed her doubt in the form of a sigh before reading the card. "This Apple Family member is a 'jack' of many trades and was chosen to wield the Element of Honesty."
No sound but a pin dropping could be heard. The time-up beeper sounded three times.
"Applejack," enunciated Shimmer, "Applejack. The wielder of Honesty is Applejack."
"Well, you've got cards in front of you with the answers!" retorted Trixie. The audience laughed.
Shimmer squinted her eyes and opened her mouth in disbelief. "You've known those ponies longer than I have. You don't have an excuse." She shook her head. "Let's move onto Final Juxtaposition. The category is... you know what?" She magically ripped up the card she was carrying. "The category is Shapes. Draw any shape you want with your pen."
The show's theme played overhead and in surround-sound.
"It can be a circle. It can be a triangle. Heck, you could even draw a few disconnected lines. I'd still accept that."
The audience chortled at her exasperated tone. The time came to an end and the lights turned back on.
"I guess it's time to see the reasons for my alcohol abuse tonight," said Shimmer much to the amusement of the crowd. "Trenderhoof, you seem fairly pleased with yourself. What did you draw?"
Trenderhoof's board came up on screen with a large wall of text.
"This looks like the beginning of a book chapter."
The audience laughed.
"And your wager was... the rest of the chapter continued."
The audience laughed again.
"Can you believe it only took me fifteen seconds?" said Trenderhoof happily.
"Remarkable." Shimmer deadpanned before trotting to the next desk. "Fleur drew... absolutely nothing."
Indeed the board was completely blank. Fleur was currently busy laying on her side on top of her desk while looking at the audience like a temptress.
Her lips mouthed a phrase that barely whispered, "Draw me like one of your Prench ponies."
To that, the audience hooped and hollered. At least two ponies howled like wild animals.
"I guess I can add bleach to the things on my drink list tonight," muttered Shimmer before moving along. "Trixie, you look very serious right now. You have me worried. Let's see what you drew."
Trixie's board showed for the home viewers to see.
"Oh, wow, a five-pointed star!" exclaimed Shimmer, "You actually did what I asked you to do? That's amazing!"
A full crowd's laughter responded to Shimmer's excitement.
She cleared her throat. "And your wager is..."
The two boards on top of each other revealed a very crude illustration that used the aforementioned star as only a small part.
"This is a picture of Twilight Sparkle lying underneath your hooves."
Some of the audience laughed while the rest cheered. One even shouted, "Yeah, Trixie!"
Shimmer sighed and turned to the camera one last time. "Thank you for watching Juxtaposition. I feel like spiking my own drink now. Good night."
As the host trotted away, Trixie made some taunting motions with her hooves. It was like she was daring Sunset Shimmer to come back. But the audience paid no heed and mindlessly clapped and cheered for the show.
"What do you mean I can't enjoy a hangover if I want to?"
"That still doesn't explain a pure oxygen-filled sleeping chamber."
"Also, how does simply looking at the ceiling and the floor count as an aerobic exercise?"
Ninety-six bottles of punch on the wall, ninety-six bottles of punch, Sunset Shimmer mentally sang. Though, the tune that the audience was hearing was only that of the game show's theme song. As per prompt instructions, they cheered as soon as the cameras were rolling. Shimmer didn't even try to hide her hollowed out expression from the public eye.
"Welcome back to Juxtaposition," she stated, "I'm your host Sunset Shimmer. Normally, this would be the part where I say that we're playing for charity. But at this point, I'd feel lucky enough to leave the set with my sanity intact."
Her suffering was funny to the jeering audience.
"Let's take a look at the scores," she said with lackluster enthusiasm. "Mr. Thunderlane has sustained negative three hundred bits."
"Hush, dear," said Thunderlane while closing his eyes. "The rolling thunder speaks to me now."
A few snickers were had by the audience.
"For the last time, thunder doesn't speak," said Shimmer. A blood vessel threatened to burst. "In the lead, Ms. Lulamoon holds a whopping score of zero."
All the Trixie fans cheered like crazy, throwing in at least three whistles for good measure.
"You'll rue the day you tried to steal my rival from me," warned Trixie with a defiant hoof raised. "Rue it!"
"Looking forward to it." Shimmer rolled her eyes as the audience laughed. "Finally, Ms. Maud Pie has accrued five thousands bits of debt in the Rocky Road charity's name. Good job."
"Thank you," said Maud monotonously. Her eyes did nothing to betray her true emotion. So, the audience decided to fill the silent void with laughter instead.
Shimmer cleared her throat. "Better luck to all of you in the next round." She turned to face the board. "It's time to start Double Juxtaposition and the categories are..."
The first square pinged. "Important Portrayals."
The second square dinged. "Equestrian Princesses."
The third square aligned itself. "Ways Shimmer is a loser... wait, what?!"
Meanwhile, Trixie was banging on the desk while laughing hysterically. Her hat was clearly off as she finished casting whatever hidden spell she had cast. The audience couldn't help but join her laughing fit. Shimmer snorted indignantly before magically ripping the fake letters off of the category's name. She cleared her throat a bit more dramatically before the audience's laughter died down.
A second ring was made for the third square. "Famous Wonderbolt Founders."
The fourth square dinged. "Cutie Mark Crusaders in Manehattan."
The fifth square pinged. "Elements Ending In 'Rosity'."
Finally, the sixth square revealed its category. "Make Some Noise."
Shimmer turned around. She made a motion with her hoof pointing at herself before pointing at Trixie. Then, she pretended that she had done nothing of the sort.
"Trixie," she stated professionally, "it is your turn to choose the category."
"Certainly," agreed Trixie, "The Great and Powerful Trixie shall choose the late Ways Shimmer is a loser for five hundred."
"That isn't an actual category and you know it," said Shimmer. The audience's laughter, however, disagreed. "Ms. Pie, why don't you start us off?"
"I think I'll pass," said Maud, still monotonously.
"You pass?" echoed Shimmer. She scratched her chin. "You're smarter than you look."
The audience had a good chortle to that remark.
"Very well then, Thunderlane," said Shimmer, "The board is yours."
Without opening his eyes, Thunderlane lifted a hoof in a way that it rested vertically in front of his face. He took a deep breath and said, "The wind tells me to go for Famous Thunder Founders for sixteen thousand."
"Famous Wonderbolt Founders for sixteen hundred," corrected Shimmer. "The answer is, 'This 'fly' pony had enough 'fire' in her soul that she needed to found a flying team and call it the Wonderbolts'."
A buzzer's button was pressed.
"Trixie?" asked Shimmer.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie!" declared Trixie as some hidden fireworks went off behind her.
All the Trixie fans in the audience went wild with cheers.
"If that was your answer, it was wrong," said Shimmer. She was unimpressed.
Shimmer half-frowned. "No, but you're getting warmer."
The third buzzer went off.
"Thunderlane?" Shimmer turned in hope.
"The storms call Cloud Kicker to my train of thought," commented Thunderlane.
Shimmer sighed. "No, Cloud Kicker is alive now. The Wonderbolts' founder is dead." She shook her head. "The correct answer was Firefly."
"Was as in past tense?" wondered Trixie, "So it's no longer the correct answer?"
"Trixie, could you please shut your mouth for five seconds?" asked Shimmer with a deceptively polite tone. To this, the audience laughed like crazy. "Thunderlane, it's still your choice."
"Dude, the storms are bringing fire from the sky," mumbled Thunderlane. "There's like... two hundred of them."
"Right, whatever," said Shimmer while rolling her eyes. "Let's just go with Equestrian Princesses for four hundred." She read the card. "This Princess prefers not to be called by her real name of Mi Amore Cadenza."
Maud slowly pressed her buzzer. "Who is... Mi Amore Celestia?"
Shimmer shook her head. "That's incorrect."
Thunderlane somehow rang his buzzer without ruining his own deep breaths. "Mi Amore Luna?"
"Well, if you three are taking the multiple choice approach, then surely you can get it right, Trixie." Shimmer smiled expectantly.
"Who is... that faker, Princess Twilight Sparkle?" asked Trixie while somehow scratching a groove in her desk with nothing but her hoof.
The audience laughed as Shimmer lost her smile. "Cadance. All you had to say was 'Cadance'." She performed a facehoof. "Maybe you'll have better luck with Elements Ending In 'Rosity for eight hundred." She turned the card over and read it. "This Element of Harmony ends with 'rosity' and is represented in spirit by Rarity."
Thunderlane pressed his buzzer. "Integrity?" Something beeped at him.
"No," said Shimmer.
Maud maintained her calm, collected look. "Inspiration?"
Shimmer's head dipped down for a second. "Were that only the case..."
The idle-time signal rang three times.
"At least some ponies have initiative," said Shimmer, "Maybe that initiative can help you respond to the category of Make Some Noise. The answer is, 'Make some noise'. Just be the first to ring your buzzer and you automatically win."
The audience held their breath. Once more, the idle-time signal went off.
Shimmer banged her head against her podium. "Great. No pony even cares anymore. Let's just get Final Juxtaposition over and done with." She lifted herself back up and read the card. She frowned deeply. "Why would they do this? The category is Ponies That Deserve Vengeance."
"Ha ha!" Trixie practically jumped for joy. "The Great and Powerful Trixie can shine right here and now!"
Her fans all cheered in a similar manner while the rest of the audience just laughed.
"Too bad for you that I'm not dignifying your bloodlust," said Shimmer while magically ripping up her own card. She ignored Trixie's sails being removed from the wind. "The new category is Place Your Bets. Simply write down two numbers, one in your response and one in your wager. Whatever those numbers are, we'll add that to your score and send it to your charity with no strings attached."
The game show's theme played for the next twenty seconds as much scribbling was made by the pens. As soon as it had started, it was over.
"I suppose we should see the bad news that we're going to tell these charities," said Shimmer with a sigh. The audience seemed a lot more amused by the potential than she did. "Let's get the worst of it out of the way first. Trixie, what did you write down?"
Trixie's board was displayed on the screen for home viewers.
"You drew a crown?" asked Shimmer. "No pony knows the real value of a crown." She sighed. "What about the other possible number slot?"
The rest of the message was spelled out in bold letters.
"To bash Twilight and Shimmer in the face." Shimmer deadpanned as the audience laughed. "How cute. Let's move on." She trotted to the next desk. "Maud Pie, you wrote..."
Maud's board was completely blank. Both of them were blank, actually.
"You didn't write any amount at all?" asked Shimmer incredulously.
"The pen was too heavy," said Maud monotonously.
The audience laughed as Shimmer tilted her head. "I can't read you at all." She shook her head and trotted over to the last contestant.
Thunderlane's boards were shown to the live and public eyes.
"A fire... that's crashing into a storm cloud," noted Shimmer, "Great. Grand. Wonderful. This has been Juxtaposition. I'm going to try to forcefully re-open that portal to the other world. Good day."
Sunset Shimmer trotted off the set as the audience gave one more cheer and a round of applause.
As the game show's annoying and/or catchy theme played, the audience gave their usual cheers and applause. The camera panned across the set and rested on the neutral visage of Sunset Shimmer. She patted down some stress hairs before looking up.
"Welcome back to Juxtaposition," she said, "After speaking with my magic counselor, it turns out that seven years of bad luck is a bit longer in pony years. So, I stand before you all as a broken pony."
The audience laughed at her misery.
"That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sapphire Shores has a ridiculous score of negative seventeen thousand bits."
"~Oh, yeah! Serves her right!~" Sapphire sang.
In the audience, Apple Bloom shouted, "I love you, Sapphire!"
Right next to her, Scootaloo shouted, "I love you more!"
Sapphire smiled and waved at that section of the audience.
"Currently in the lead, Photo Finish has broken the previous Juxtaposition record with a positive score of twenty-five bits."
"Ah, yes," said Photo while nodding. "Just hold still darling. Hold onto that pain and hopelessness. The camera loves you." She emphasized her point by opening up her suitcase that doubled as an old tripod camera. Said camera proceeded to click with four flashes of light.
"Don't remind me," Shimmer deadpanned. "On the other extreme, Trixie Lulamoon has set a new record with a breathtaking score of negative-"
"Shut it, Shimmer!" snapped Trixie. Even over the audience laughing, she continued by saying, "Shut it short and shut it narrow."
"O...kay then," said the host, "I wish better luck to every pony in the next round. It's time for Double Juxtaposition. Here are the categories."
As each square turned over, a small bell rang.
"Important Portrayals."
"Ships And Dips."
"Your Own Voice Actress."
"Magical Artifacts."
"Is This A Horseshoe?"
"The Letter 'L'."
The audience laughed at more than one of those categories.
Shimmer turned back toward the contestants. "Ms. Finish, you have the lead so you get to pick first."
"Six hundred!" said Photo short and quickly.
Shimmer waited expectantly. "In what category?"
"It matters not," said Photo, "All that matters is the moment that I capture." Her camera went off two more times as the audience chortled.
"How about 'The Letter 'L''?" asked Shimmer before magically tugging the card. "In the English alphabet, this is the letter that comes directly before 'M'."
A buzzer rang.
"Ms. Shores?" asked Shimmer.
"~N as is right now, right here!~" sang Sapphire.
The crowd cheered for her in spite of the loud buzzer that indicated a wrong answer.
"More like 'N' as in no," muttered Shimmer.
A second buzzer rang.
"Trixie." Shimmer looked over.
"R marks the revenge that the Great and Powerful Trixie will have against T for Twilight Sparkle!" Trixie spread her cape against an unseen wind.
All the Trixie fans clamored for her attention.
"You are so lucky that I have a non-violent clause in my contract regarding contestants," said Shimmer. Her blood boiled on the spot.
The last buzzer rang.
"Photo Finish."
"Could you keep your eyes facing upward?" asked Photo. "It looks amateurish when the subject is looking to the left or to the right."
As the audience laughed, Shimmer took a deep breath and turned around.
"Let's try 'Is This A Horseshoe?' for eight hundred," said Shimmer.
Three zip-line sound effects blared overhead.
"It's a video Daily Double," noted Shimmer. "Everypony, take a look at your screens."
A looping audio of a piano played the main chorus to Sleigh Sundae's most viral song. Meanwhile in the background of the video, chocolate milk poured down as a form of precipitation. The responsible draconequus chuckled as he hovered about in the scene. A large portion of the audience cheered when he showed up.
"Hello, every pony!" the taped Discord called, "It's your favorite master of chaos here. I've been asked by a friend to personally help out Shun Set Simmer today."
"Sunset Shimmer," corrected the host.
"Oh, right. Whatever," said the clip as if responding to her. "Anywho, take a look at this." Discord poofed a clearly broken parasol and opened it with a meowing sound effect. "Answer the question: 'Is this parasol a horseshoe?' Can any pony answer it? Any pony at all? Come on! Don't be shy. Is it a horseshoe or isn't it? Give your best guess to the host for me. Ah ha ha ha!"
The piano music faded as the audience chuckled. A few seconds passed with no response.
"None of you know?" asked Shimmer, "Really? You can't tell if a parasol is a horseshoe or not?"
A buzzer rang.
"Thank gosh!" she exclaimed, "Sapphire Shores."
"Five, six, seven, eight, ba-bam!" Sapphire turned around. It seemed she had no idea that her back hoof had actually hit her button. "Oh, sorry. Did you say something, girl?"
Shimmer scrunched her brow as the audience laughed at the mistake.
Photo Finish buzzed before moving her hoof to wave some pony over. "We need more blush on the model, tout de suite!"
A far-east pony rushed forth before dabbing blush powder against Sunset Shimmer's face. She was immediately flung around via Shimmer's magic. Somebody in the sound department thought it very funny to press the 'glass shattering' button.
"Get away from me!" Shimmer breathed heavily.
Trixie's buzzer went off. "Say, if I were to crush you, would that give me enough magical strength to at least be on par with Twilight Sparkle?"
Shimmer's eye twitched involuntarily. "I am going to try my very best to pretend that you did not just combine all of those words in the exact same sentence." She shivered a bit as the audience laughed at the spectacle. "Let's move onto 'Magical Artifacts' for four hundred." She pulled out the card and flipped it over. "The answer is, 'This alicorn-shaped amulet was worn by Trixie for two magic duels with Twilight Sparkle'."
For the first time since she came on the set, Trixie was visibly sweating.
"Well, Trixie?" prompted Shimmer.
"T-Trixie hasn't the faintest idea w-what you're referring to," stammered Trixie.
Shimmer stomped her hoof. "You know darn well what it is! You were wearing that hunk of junk for Celestia knows how long."
"No I wasn't!" Trixie looked left and right as the audience laughed at her nervousness.
The signal for the end of idle-time blipped thrice.
Shimmer shook her head and exhaled audibly. "The one time that you're given the world on a silver platter, you turn it down." Her voice turned ragged and sarcastic. "Perfect! Just perfect!" She threw her hooves into the air briefly before stomping back down.
One of the buzzers rang.
"Ms. Finish, time is already up," said Shimmer.
"I am out of the film," said Photo, "Could one of you go find me the new roll?"
As the audience laughed again, Shimmer sucked in a breath before wiping her face. "Let's just skip to Final Juxtaposition. The category is... 'Ministry Practices'?" She flipped the card over a few times. Were her eyes playing tricks on her? "Huh? Oh, wait. This is for that other game show on the next time slot hosted by that Smart-Alec Tribe-Kay fellow."
The audience laughed and clapped at the mistake. Shimmer blushed and smiled sheepishly as she flung that card out of the way.
She fumbled around a bit before pulling out the next card. "Let's see. Your category is 'Famous Changeling Queens' and the answer reads, 'Name a changeling who has held the title of 'Queen'.'"
The lights dimmed as the Final Juxtaposition theme song played in stereo. As the contestants went to work scribbling something that was probably unintelligible, Shimmer used the distraction to drink directly from a bottle of Maalox. After twenty seconds passed, the theme ended and the lights returned.
"There's no point in putting this off," Shimmer muttered as she trotted over to the desks. "Sapphire Shores, you wrote... nothing. Somehow, you ba-bammed your pen so high up that it got lodged into the ceiling."
"Dagger isn't the only pony who has got the moves," stated Sapphire proudly. Cheers of agreement resounded in the audience.
Shimmer rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's move onto Photo Finish. What did you come up with?"
Photo Finish's board briefly showed onto the home viewers' screen.
"Flute Heir Shai?" Shimmer raised her eyebrow. "Who in the hay is that?"
"The queen of the scene changed for something worse." A small tear actually leaked from Photo's shades.
"Well, that isn't right," said Shimmer, "Your wager was... 'Da Magic'?"
Photo's tail snapped out straight behind her. The audience had a couple of chuckles at that.
"Seek therapy, Ms. Finish," advised Shimmer before trotting to the last desk. "Alright, Trixie. What condescending garbage did you draw about Twilight and I this time?"
The audience laughed before they were shown Trixie's board.
"Nightmare Moon?" said Shimmer, clearly confused. "Why Nightmare Moon?"
"The changeling invasion never happened," Trixie whispered before raising her voice to say, "It was a conspiracy! I tell you, a conspiracy!"
Several knees were slapped in the audience.
"Dare I ask for your wager?" wondered Shimmer as the next board flashed on. "Eleventy jillion bits? That's not a real number."
There was a pause before Trixie smoothly added, "... yet."
Those that hadn't slapped their knees were now rolling out of their seats in laughter.
Shimmer turned to the camera. "That's all the time we have today. I'm going to go take a long nap. Sweet Celestia..."
The audience's cheering and the blaring show theme threatened to drown each other out as the episode ended for the afternoon.
"You're getting spaghetti everywhere. Didn't your mother teach you how to eat?"
*Snore*
"Oh, she's dead? She probably died from embarrassment because you couldn't chew your food properly."
*Snore*
"What? Expulsion?! No!"
*Ker-plop!*
"Ow..."
---
Sunset Shimmer lightly tapped against the bump on her head. She didn't really have enough time to bandage it properly due to her community service job. So, she withstood the pain and let the audience cheer over the game show's theme song.
"Welcome back to Juxtaposition," she said, "I urge every pony who still has a soul to run away while they still have a chance."
The audience got a good laugh from that statement.
"Without further ado, let's look at the scores. Prince Blueblood has a ludicrous score of negative one hundred thousand bits."
Despite the negative score, the audience still offered claps and hollers.
"For whatever reason, he thought it was a good idea to answer several first-round questions wrong multiple times."
The audience chortled at the fact.
"Your ridiculous show simply refuses to acknowledge my perfection," scoffed Blueblood.
Shimmer muttered, "What charity was so desperate that they decided to use you for their face?" She shook her head. "Captain of the Crystal Guard, Flash Sentry has dominated with a positive two thousand, five hundred bits."
"Yes! Alright! Go, Sentry! Woo-hoo!" cheered one clapping earth pony filly in the audience. The only other sound was a stray cough from somepony else.
"Heh heh," chuckled Flash, "Thanks, Archer... and thank you, Sunset."
Ergh, darn it, Shimmer thought, Why does he have to remind me so much of the other him?
"And..." She paused for a long time. "Trixie is also here. Let's move onto Double Juxtaposition where the categories are-"
Objection!
The third contestant dramatically pointed her hoof at the show's host. The audience was caught somewhere between a laugh and an arousing cheer.
Shimmer sighed. "I can't believe I thought that was going to work."
"Well, Trixie has no problem believing that you would be so naive," boasted Trixie. "Alas, your foalish mind cannot comprehend the difference between our levels of greatness." She chuckled. "Oh, that reminds me. Stop me if you've heard this before."
"Can I stop you anyway?" asked Shimmer before the audience laughed. "We really don't have time for this."
Trixie blissfully ignored her. "How many Sunsets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Psyche! It's a trick question. Any number of Sunsets would burn out before they could complete the task."
A few of the fans laughed at her 'riddle', but the voices were scattered and not of the whole group.
"What did I ever do to you?" asked Shimmer rhetorically. "As I was saying, the categories are..."
Six squares were flipped over to the sound of six bells a-ringing.
"Important Portrayals."
"Famous Theme Songs."
"Adventure Books."
"Will This Hurt If You Put It In Your Mouth?"
"Salad Ingredients."
"Princes That Don't Rhyme With Chew Mud."
The audience got a good laugh out of that one. However, the hardly subtle joke sailed right over Blueblood's head.
"Flash Sentry," addressed Shimmer, "Since you are in the lead, you get to choose the category." Thankfully, no one seemed to notice the shade of extra red on her face when she said that.
"'Adventure Books' for four hundred, if you'd kindly," requested Flash.
"Gladly." Shimmer yanked the card from its slot. "This adventure book series was written entirely by A. K. Yearling."
A button rang a contestant's buzzer.
"Prince Blueblood?"
"Lord of the Ties," said Blueblood proudly, until a louder buzzer cut off his good mood.
"No," said Shimmer.
A gentle buzzer went off.
"Flash Sentry?"
"What is Daring Do?" he asked.
"That is correct." Shimmer nodded as the points were added to Flash's score. The loudest applause came from Archer.
Another gentle buzzer rang.
"Trixie, the question is already over," said Shimmer flatly. "You'll have to wait until the next one."
"Give me Sparkle's horn or give me death!" Trixie cried out.
"Don't get my hopes up," Shimmer deadpanned as a fair portion of the audience laughed at that. "Flash, it is still your pick."
"'Adventure Books' for eight hundred," he said expectantly.
"Fine by me," said Shimmer with a shrug. She turned around and pulled out the next card. "This book is the second book in A. K. Yearling's Daring Do series."
Flash took a quick look left and right before ringing his buzzer. "What is... Daring Do and the Griffon's Goblet?"
"Correct," said Shimmer. Flash's score went up again. Archer actually whistled in excitement.
Another buzzer went off.
"Too late, Trixie," reminded Shimmer.
"But you promised this next one to Trixie," said Trixie as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"No," said Shimmer, "I said that you'd have to wait until the next one. You just have to ring your buzzer before the correct answer is given."
Trixie blinked. "So... what would happen if, hypothetically, I were to break Flash Sentry's kneecaps with a wrench?" She levitated out a red monkey-wrench. "Specifically this wrench?"
As Trixie prepared to make a live demonstration, a light blue magic shield surrounded Flash. The monkey-wrench bounced off and flung into Thesisto's lap. Multiple Trixie fans started pummeling him and trying to navigate the dust cloud for Trixie's precious wrench.
"No violence against the other contestants!" shouted Shimmer before releasing her hold over the shield. "Only I get to hurt Flash Sentry and not while we're on public frequencies."
The audience laughed while Trixie retorted with a grumpy harrumph.
"Wait..." Flash looked confused. "Don't I get a say in this?"
"Just choose the next question, pretty boy," Shimmer snapped.
Blueblood hummed. "If you insist..." The fact that the audience laughed at him didn't even phase him. "One thousand from the painful subject."
"I wasn't talking to you, but fine." Shimmer rolled her eyes before she took the card from 'Will This Hurt If You Put It In Your Mouth?' for one thousand bits. "The answer is, 'an ice arrow'. Will an ice arrow hurt if you put it in your mouth?"
Trixie rang her buzzer. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is practically invincible. No amount of frozen tips can hurt her."
Shimmer deadpanned. "I'm not even going to tell you how wrong that sounds."
Blueblood hit the buzzer next. "Hurt me? Any number of my servants would intercept the arrow long before it can perform any bodily harm against this beautiful stallion." Little twinkling sparks were shaken out of his mane.
"I feel like I want to kick your butt," said Shimmer, much to the delight of the audience.
Flash Sentry cautiously pressed his buzzer. "What is... 'yes'?"
Shimmer sighed with a half-smile. "At least you've still got a brain. Pick the next one, Flash."
"'Adventure Books' for two thousand," he said.
"The answer is... an audio Daily Double," noted Shimmer. "Listen carefully."
A little static brushed over the speakers before an excited yet scratchy voice played.
"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! The latest book in the Daring Do series just came out and it's got a picture of me on the cover. Can you believe it? Me! Rainbow Dash exploring and questing side by side with Daring Do herself! Ha ha ha, yeah!"
"Rainbow, just read the card," insisted a stern yet light voice, like a bookstore manager shushing her customer.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to that," said the other voice before clearing its throat. "This is the title of the latest book in A. K. Yearling's Daring Do series. All of the coolest ponies know what this one is." The recorded audio cut off there.
"What is Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny?" asked Flash.
"Correct," said Shimmer, "and that Daily Double, as its name implies, doubles your current score."
"Keep it up! Yeah!" cheered Archer. A few of the other ponies in the audience hesitantly added their claps.
"It's still on you, Flash," stated Shimmer.
"Hmm, 'Famous Theme Songs' for eight hundred," said Flash.
"Very well." Shimmer magically pulled the card over and read. "This song is a work in progress regarding Pinkie Pie's initial feelings toward Zecora the zebra."
The set was filled with a very awkward pause. The idle-time buzzer rang.
"Yeah, okay. That was a little tricky even for me," admitted Shimmer while scratching her neck. "The correct answer was 'Evil Enchantress'."
Trixie's buzzer went off. "Make the prince chew mud and give me four hundred bits to watch him doing it!"
"I beg your pardon?" Blueblood looked over at her incredulously.
"Ugh, fine, we'll do it your way," said Shimmer, "I don't even care anymore. 'Princes That Don't Rhyme With Chew Mud'. The answer is, 'This Equestrian prince, who technically has authority over the Crystal Empire, has a name that does not rhyme with chew mud'."
Trixie practically slammed her button down. "Prince Stuck-Up over there!" She pointed.
"Guards!" hollered Blueblood, "Lock her in the dungeon for attacking my image."
"I said no violence against the other contestants," said Shimmer. She whacked a hoof over her face.
Blueblood and Trixie got caught up in a debate where they literally said nothing but the word "rabble" over and over again. The audience just laughed at their ridiculousness.
Flash gently tapped his button. "Who is Prince Shining Armor?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Shimmer. Her mane was practically covered in split ends by this point. She exhaled. "It's time for Final Juxtaposition." She magically shuffled a bunch of cards before pulling out one. "The category is 'Value'. Write down a concept or an idea that you value."
The game show's theme played in a smooth jazz style as the contestants flicked their pens around against their respective boards. Well, two of the pens wiggled around anyway. Blueblood seemed more interested in checking to see if his hooficure was still in prime condition. After the time was up, the lights came back on.
"I just want to go home tonight and forget all of this," muttered Shimmer before saying, "Since it's proper etiquette to start with the ladies, we'll look at Blueblood's answer first."
The audience stomped and roared with laughter.
"You wrote... nothing." Shimmer looked at Blueblood with pity.
"That pen does not have the best imported ink," he said.
"It's a magic pen," pointed out Shimmer. "It doesn't need ink." She shook her head and skipped a desk. "Trixie, what do you have to ruin my day?"
The home viewers got to see the board just before Shimmer could.
"You wrote, 'The Great and Powerful Trixie'."
"Was there ever any doubt?" asked Trixie rhetorically.
"As conceited as that is, it's technically a correct answer," admitted Shimmer with a heavy sigh. "What was your wager?" Her expression didn't change even after the second board showed up. "No, you can't go murder Twilight Sparkle just so you can practice necromancy."
"Curses, foiled again," muttered Trixie as some of the sicker fans laughed.
"Finally, what do you value, Flash Sentry?" She nodded at what she saw. "Honor. That appears to be sufficiently legitimate." She brought up the next board. "And your wager was... seven thousand. Well congratulations, Flash. You are the only contestant that ended the day with a positive number. I'm sure your charity appreciates it."
Flash gently smiled as Archer and her closest friends clapped for her big brother's victory. Millions of miles away, several pitchforks were set on fire... only to be drenched in the tears of hatred.
"Another afternoon of live Juxtaposition comes to a close," said Shimmer. "Thank you for joining us, everypony. Good day."
As she trotted off the set, the audience cheered and applauded as per prompt instructions.
