On Earth, they were just simple highschool graduates, now they are the talk of all Equestria.
When three simple texan boys got on a space cruise to celebrate their graduation, they never expected to find themselves sucked into a wormhole and sent to Equestria. With their old lives left behind, they will now have to start a new life amongst the ponies of Equestria. Join in their adventures, and experience the humor, the drama, and the action!
Warning: this fanfic might contain content that would be considered inappropiate or offensive. If this fanfic offends you in anyway, then I like to apologize in advance. In fact, if you're under sixteen, you might not want to read this.
It was the day after graduation when our little journey had started. I was in the car with my family as they were driving me off to my graduation vacation. My eye's remained on the Candy Crush level on my phone, until I was brought out of it by the sound of my mom's exaggerated shout of excitement.
"Jeffrie, look! We're getting closer!"
After putting my phone in my pocket and rubbing the shrieking pain in my ears at the same time, I looked towards the front window and saw the ship that'll take me to my graduation cruise getting bigger as we drove further. But this isn't gonna be the regular kind of cruise like in Titanic; no, it was going to be a cruise unlike any other. A cruise in space!
They all thought that something like this could only be possible in Futurama; but today I, and some friends of mine, are going to be one of the first people to be on a space cruise to Mars! Or, as they put it in Star Trek, "To boldly go where no man has gone before."
When my dad finally found a parking space, my backpack had already been strapped on the moment the car had stopped and allowed me to walk out. But I only managed to take three steps before my mom called back to me.
"Jeffrie, don't forget your glasses!"
Ah yes, how could I have forgotten the dreaded pair of specs that I've been forced to wear ever since freshman year. Even before all this I always believed I look better without glasses, too bad that I had to be stripped of my 20/20 vision just to be reminded that life sucks. Anyway, after grudgingly putting on the irritating spectacles, my mom surrounded her arms around me in a goodbye embrace.
"It's gonna feel real lonesome with you gone for three weeks," in return, I gave her a crushing bear hug that I always like to give to anyone ever since I saw a certain seen from Dr. Dolittle 2. "Not so tight, Jeffrie!"
With that out of the way, it was now my dad's turn to say a few words. "You remember to call us the moment you and your friends land," he instructed.
"Yes Dad, I won't forget that." I sighed.
"All right, and did you remember to bring your video camera with ya?"
"Yep. It's in my backpack with my PJ's and books."
"Awesome. I can't wait to see all the fun stuff you'll record on Mars, son."
"Just try not to do anything embarrassing when you get there," snarked the bitter sound of the source of my misery (AKA my sister). You'd think that after I had been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome that my own flesh and blood would at least put up an effort to not be a complete bitch towards me 24/7. But what can you expect from a girl who--when I was only five months old--used a recliner to catapult me into a glass table in a poor attempt to recreate a certain scene from Toy Story.
Since my big sister thought it wise to dampen my good mood with her snarky remark, I figured it would only be fair to give her one as well. "Don't worry Lindsay, by the time I set foot on Mars I would've already forgotten that you're even still living with us." After receiving a sincere flip of the bird from my sister, I was finally allowed to head towards the ship.
I was getting closer to the ramp when I was suddenly tackled by this strong force that trapped me with an unbreakable hug! By the time I struggled my right arm out, I was more than ready to lay the smackdown on the son of a bitch who thought he could take me by surprise; that is until I turned around and saw the face of my friend, Andrew. While I was born with a skinny body, scrawny set of arms with a little muscle, and a face that made most of the assholes from any school I'd went to compare me to Mr. Bean, Andrew had the overall appearance of what many people would assume that any popular kid would look like: from his black Justin Bieber styled haircut to that sort of perfect smile that'll make high school girls have orgasms, and the fact that he was blessed with the upper-body of a football player. In fact, he actually was a football player--and is pretty damn proud of being one. Despite these blessings, Andrew's simple mindset, his overly optimistic and hopeful attitude, and his semi-sensitive demeanor ended up making him the target of many pranks (whether harmless or otherwise).
When he finally released me from his grasp, Andrew could hardly contain his own excitement. "What kept ya, man?! I was startin' to think I would have to go on this trip without ya!"
"I might've gotten here sooner if my folks hadn't held me back," I told him. "Where's your letterman jacket?"
Throughout the last week of school, Andrew would never go one day without donning the white and blue letterman jacket that he practically fell in love with on first sight. So you could imagine how surprised I was to see him in a plain red jacket instead. "Oh, my folks were threatenin' to not drive me here at all if I didn't agree to put on a different jacket," he said with annoyance in his voice. He then added in a soft whisper, "But they don't know that I snuck it in my backpack."
After we both let out a quick chuckle, I then asked him, "Have you seen Jonathan yet?"
"No, I definitely don't remember seeing him anywhere," he admitted while his eyes were scanning the area like a radar. "Oh wait, I think he's coming right now! Jonathan! Hey man, over here!"
He and I wasted no time in running towards our slow treading friend, Jonathan. Everything about him is the exact opposite of Andrew to a T. While Andrew always finds a reason to smile every day, Jonathan was practically born with a permanent scowl on his face. When I first met him during junior year, I thought he looked like a Hispanic Jay Baruchel. His grim personality and his occasional whiney tone would make anyone sitting next to him push their desks far away from him, but I was more than willing to have an open mind and make a friend out of this debbie downer. In fact, if I had never met Jonathan, I never would've met Andrew during senior year and not get to share this great experience with the two of them.
After saving Jonathan the effort of having him come to us, Andrew was the first to start the conversation. "Hey Jonathan, you excited about this?"
"I guess," Jonathan's voice always sounded like mumbles every time he speaks. "I was originally going to just stay in bed and sleep until I finally leave this world, but instead I get to go to Mars with my two friends. I just hope that the ship we go on doesn't have a leak that'll slowly drain all the oxygen out of our lungs until our eyes pop out and we die."
Yeah, as you can see Jonathan's the type of person who could make a party feel like a funeral the moment he opens his mouth. Not wanting to delay any more precious time, I desperately tried to lead the guys on. "OK, I can see that you have a lot to say, but why don't we get onboard the ship first and then talk some more?"
"All right," said Jonathan, "let's get on that ship before it takes off; God knows I don't want to ruin this whole trip for you."
Now that we were finally onboard the ship, everyone gathered to listen to the captain's speech and get ready for the count down. As the countdown began, all the adrenaline within my body was starting to rush all through my veins, as we were all crying out, "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...BLAST OFF!" As we were blasting off into the speed of light, the theme from Star Trek: The Next Generation was playing in my head.
With the ship finally in orbit, the guys and I were heading our way to our room while that "Sunday Clothes" song from Wall-E was being played through the loudspeakers. When we'd entered the room, we were in a complete state of awe at how awesome it was. It wasn't one of those regular rooms; since we practically worked our asses off just to graduate high school, our parents decided to reward us by letting us stay in one of the most expensive suites this cruise has to offer. There was a soda machine that can beam up any type of soda that you want, a round couch, a great view of space, and triple bunk beds.
Anyway, I took out my video camera, turned it on, and as I looked right at it, I started to do a video blog. "Hey there," I said, "I'm in this kick ass suite with my two buds, and we are officially in space!" Jonathan had finished tossing his backpack on top of the middle bunk and was sitting himself on the couch when I turned the camera to him. "Here's my good friend Jonathan, say hi to the camera," he gave a half-assed smile as he slowly waved his hand. "So, are you looking forward to landing on Mars?"
"A little," he said, "I'm just hoping that we don't get captured by some alien race and forced to be their slaves for the rest of our lives. Then again, this is the first space cruise to ever happen, and there just might be a chance that we all might end up being dead before we even get there."
Having enough of Jonathan's morbidity, I immediately turned the camera to Andrew--who was standing next to the giant window. "Hey Andrew, you mind telling everyone what you're doing?" I asked him.
"Well Jeffrie," he said, "I might not be the first man to travel in space, but I am the first man to moon the Moon!" with that said, he pulled down his pants and pressed his ass against the glass in front of the Moon, as he and I filled the suite with our laughter.
After that, I went to the soda machine and got me a drink. All I had to do was say "Coke" and then next thing you know the machine suddenly beams up a can of Coke. I took the can, opened it, took a big gulp out of it, and then I said to the guys, "Beam me up, Scotty!" and Andrew was the only who bothered to laugh at my Star Trek reference. As I took another sip of my Coke, I said to the guys, "You guys want something?" and then they both said, "Coke is fine," and so I got both of them Coke.
So anyway, as me and the guys were just sitting upon the couch drinking Coke, we started to chat for a while. "Well guys, we finally made it," I started. "All those twelve years that we spent in school are finally over."
"Thank God," exclaimed Andrew, "I just can't wait to start working with my dad."
"You know, it's kinda sad really," Jonathan confessed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
And then Jonathan said, "Well, we might be together on this cruise, but when we come back, we might never see each other again."
Never wanting to see any of his friends be sad, Andrew tried to lighten things up. "Hey, if this is gonna be the last time we get to hang out together, then we should make it last." And so we each raised up our cans and while Andrew and I cried out, "To our friendship!"
After taking a quick sip, I continued talking about our trip. "I gotta tell you guys, I'm pretty fucking excited about this trip. We could've gone to New York, but instead we're heading to Mars like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"Yeah, let's just hope that we don't get caught up in any alien rebellions when we get there," Jonathan commented.
"I wouldn't mind seeing a chick with three tits though," I added. Jonathan and I laughed while Andrew silently cringed at my mentioning of that sexual comment. With that out of the way, we then chugged down the rest of our Coke and we spent the rest of today drinking more Cokes, rough-housing, and taking turns making prank calls to the crew of this ship, and all while Jonathan played "Gangnam Style" on his iPod.
...
After that rather brief moment of fun, I had just finished changing into my pajamas by the time I made my way to bed. Andrew laid on the bottom bunk sketching drawings of anthropomorphic lizards (which he seems to be under the delusion that they're frogs), Jonathan stretched on the middle bunk as he was putting the finishing touches of his journal report before putting it away, as for me I just slipped myself into the covers, turned off the lights, and then we all got ourselves some shut eye. But as we were all snoozing, out of nowhere came this loud bang! Me and the guys were startled out of our sleep, and we heard the crew telling everybody to get out at once. The guys and I only had enough time to put our clothes back on and quickly grab our backpacks before we were suddenly being dragged away by a huge crowd of people. When this huge crowd finally stopped moving, one of the crew members said, "Everyone remain calm, we have just happened to have found ourselves in the midst of an asteroid field. We will try our best to steer clear of it as soon as possible; but in case of an emergency, we strictly advise you all to wear an oxygen mask." We were then given these little plastic oxygen masks that can give us clean air without a tank attached to it.
As the ship kept getting pounded by asteroids, me and the guys were able to find each other amongst the crowd. As nervous as Andrew and I were feeling right now, Jonathan was practically on the brink of a panic attack right now. "I knew it, I knew this kind of shit would happen!" he raved. "Why didn't I just oversleep on purpose?!"
"Calm down Jonathan!" I told him. "This may seem a little scary, but as long as they don't tell us to start evacuating, we have no reason to start panicking."
Right after I said that more asteroids continued to hit the ship; but a few minutes later, all that pounding finally stopped. We then heard the captain say on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally got out of the asteroid field," and as everybody started to cheer, we all felt a huge force pulling us!
Jonathan was like, "Please tell me it isn't another asteroid."
And I was like, "No, that's too big to be an asteroid."
And then somebody amongst the crowd shouted, "WORMHOLE!"
And then next thing you know, the wormhole tore out a huge chunk of the ship and me and the guys were suddenly sucked into it! You know that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where the astronaut is in some colorful vortex making weird faces? Well that's exactly what me and the guys were doing: going through a colorful vortex, making weird faces, until there suddenly came a big, bright, blinding, light!
When I regained consciousness, I had found myself underwater, so I quickly got out onto dry land. I noticed that Andrew and Jonathan were both coming out of the water as well. After coughing out some water, Andrew cried, "What the Hell just happened?!"
"I remember someone shouting about a wormhole," I recalled, "and I think we're the only ones who got sucked into it."
"Where are we?" Jonathan wondered.
"I don't know," I admitted.
"Great, not only did we get caught by a wormhole but now we're lost as well," Jonathan complained. "I suppose this is the part where we all die."
"Only if you keep talking with that attitude," Andrew gave him a scolding. "I know that we're lost and everyone we know probably thinks we're dead by now, but we're still alive, aren't we? And look, we even still have our stuff." He immediately grabbed all our backpacks that we're floating in the river that we recently landed in. "So honestly, what's the worst that can happen at this point?"
Jonathan was more than willing to give him an idea. "Well, at the state we're in we just have a few good minutes left before some group of thugs robs us, rapes us, chop off our dicks to feed to some goats, and then leave us stranded and naked until a pack of wolves come to finish the job."
Andrew had to let out a sigh before saying, "Come on guys, at least let's go look around to see if we can find some people who can help."
He was able to get back on his feet just fine, but when Jonathan and I tried to stand up we suddenly fell back in pain! Fighting through the pain that was shooting through my body, I looked at Jonathan and said, "I guess we must've landed harder than we thought."
"Yep, it looks like we're already done for," Jonathan gave in.
With both of our strength drained out, our only hope lies with Andrew and what little energy remained in his body. "All right, it looks like I'm gonna have to carry you guys," he said to himself as he lifted Jonathan and I by our waists. "Oh man, you two feel heavier than you look. But it shouldn't be too hard for me to handle."
He trekked through the countryside until he finally stumbled upon a dirt road. Not knowing whether he should go left or right, he went by his instinct and chose left. Even though it was night Andrew could manage to see houses and other buildings a mile away. He continued stepping onwards until he stopped by a large sign; inching closer to it, Andrew's eyes could faintly make out the words: WELCOME TO PONYVILLE.
After saying the name of the town out loud, Andrew couldn't help but be flummoxed by the name. "Huh, even by smalltown standards that name sounds weird."
He didn't dwell on that matter for no more than three seconds when he noticed a post with individual signs on it. He looked over each one until finally spotting the one that said "Hospital"; and just by sheer luck, the direction that the sign was pointing showed that it was only twelve steps away!
"Don't worry guys," Andrew assured us, "we're gonna make it."
The moment he was standing in front of the Hospital, Andrew started to knock the door with his own boot; we must've been very lucky to not be awake at that point, because after using up the last of his strength on the door, Andrew dropped us like luggage and fell to the ground with us.
The next day, I woke up, but I felt a strange pain in my head as I started to rise up. To top it all off, everywhere I look seemed to appear to be blurrier than usual. I didn't know if Jonathan or Andrew were with me, so I cried, "Hey guys, where are you?!" then I started to hear voices; but not Jonathan's or Andrew's voices, but different voices instead.
"So this is what caused that green fireball?" said a stereotypical western voice.
"I guess so," replied a plain girly voice.
"What is it?" asked a voice that sounded like every tomboy known to man.
"I don't know," spoke a voice that I couldn't decide whether it was a southern belle accent or just your typical fancy accent, "but it sure isn't pleasant looking."
"Oh come now," said a calm, angelic voice, "I'm sure that it's beautiful on the inside."
"And besides," added a girly voice that sounded as if it had sucked an entire tank of helium, "we don't even know what this thing is!"
I wasn't really paying any attention to the voice's conversation when I finally realized that my glasses were never on my face the whole time. "Oh fuck me, how could I forget my glasses back on the cruise?! God, I am not gonna hear the end of this from my parents (if I ever get back); if only I wasn't near-sighted anymore, I wouldn't have to worry about losing those damn glasses in the first place!"
Whoever was speaking in that plain girly voice must've heard my woe, because she suddenly says, "Here, let me fix that for you."
Then out of nowhere I saw a flashing pink light! I freaked out at first, but then I slowly started to calm down when I realized that I can finally see again. I was then like, "Oh my God, I can finally read small words from far away again! It's like my eyeballs have been upgraded to HD!" I looked around and I found Andrew and Jonathan sleeping in two separate beds, "Hey guys, I can see without my glasses!" but they were still asleep. "Boy, do I wish that I could thank whoever gave me back my 20/20 vision."
And then I heard the plain girly voice reply, "You're welcome!"
Finally acknowledging the voice's existence, I said back, "OK, who said that?"
"I did!"
"And who's I?"
"That would be me."
I looked around the room, but I saw nobody. I then said to myself, "OK, I must be hearing things."
Then I heard the tomboyish voice shout, "Down here!"
I looked under the bed, but I still saw nobody. "Whoever you are, just come on out!"
"We are out!" cried the voice of the tomboy which was practically overflowing with annoyance at this point.
"If you're out, then how come I still don't see you?"
"Sweet Celestia, look at the end of your bed!"
I then looked towards the end of my bed, and that's when I noticed six, small, colorful ponies. "Ha ha ha, very funny, whoever you are," I said dismissively, "but it's gonna take a lot more than a bunch of stuffed animals to freak me out."
"STUFFED!" cried the fancy, southern belle voice. I looked down and notice that it was one of the ponies speaking! "I beg your pardon!"
I was petrified at what I just saw: talking ponies! I couldn't believe it; I pointed at the one with the fancy voice and I cried, "Holy shit it's alive, and it talks!"
Then a pony that is pink from top to bottom pops out of nowhere and says, "Well of course we can talk, silly!"
"Holy shit that one can talk, too!"
Then a blue pony with a rainbow mane said, "Yes, she can talk! We all can talk!"
"B-b-but that's impossible; ponies can't talk!"
Then a purple pony with a dark purple mane with a pink streak said, "Our lips are moving and words are coming out, so that clearly disproves your theory."
"No, no, no, this can't be real! I'm probably having some weird, fucked-up dream! Yeah, that's it: I'm dreaming. And any second now I'm gonna wake-up and find myself in a hospital surrounded by human doctors!"
"What's a human?"
I closed my eyes, ignoring the purple pony's question and hoping to wake up from this fucked-up nightmare. However, I was unable to ignore the sound of Jonathan's and Andrew's moans, as they both started to wake up.
"Aw shit," Jonathan groaned.
"Jonathan, is that you?" Andrew called out.
"Yeah, it's me. Can you see anything?"
"No man, I think I left my contact lenses back on the cruise."
"What a coincidence, I just happen to have left my glasses there as well! I guess we better get used to seeing everything as blurry from a distance for the rest of our lives."
"That won't be necessary!"
That's when I saw the purple pony fire a pink laser beam into both of their eyes! The purple and white ponies both had horns, so that made them unicorns. The blue and yellow ponies both had wings, so that made them pegasus. And the orange and pink ponies were both just regular ponies. Anyway, after receiving that laser eye surgery, the guys were just as happy as I was.
"Oh sweet mother of Jesus, everything looks clear again!" Andrew cried out in celebration.
Even Jonathan managed to be joyful enough to make a movie reference. "Mein Fuhrer, I can see!"
I couldn't help but chuckle at Jonathan's temporary state of lightheartedness; and that got both of their attention. "Oh there you are Jeffrie," Andrew exclaimed. "I guess we couldn't see you very well; not that it's a problem anymore. Also..."
And just like me, Andrew and Jonathan were taken back by the sight of the six ponies in the room. It was silent at first, but then the pink pony jumped up and blurted, "Hi there!"
Jonathan was only able to leave his mouth gaping in an over-the-top fashion while letting out a weak squeak, while Andrew was crying from the top of his lungs, "Jesus H. Fuck! Demon ponies!"
"Demon ponies! Where?!" the yellow pony with the long pink mane shrieked as she cowered behind her pony comrades.
"He means us," the blue pegasus elaborated.
As the yellow pegasus began to calm down, Andrew said to all of them, "Just take it easy, ponies. We mean you no harm."
"Why y'all act like we were about ta eat ya," the orange cowgirl pony quipped out loud.
Upon hearing this, Jonathan did some kind of over dramatic faint, and then the yellow pegasus was like, "Oh my!"
And then I said, "Don't worry about him, he's just being a drama king."
"I am not!" cried Jonathan, who immediately rose back up upon hearing my little remark.
And I was like, "See, what did I tell you?"
The pink pony then said, "Gees, what's wrong with you guys? You act as if you've never seen a pony before."
To this I said, "No, we have seen ponies. We just never seen ponies that can talk!"
"Why wouldn't they talk?" asked the pink pony.
"Well...what're you all doing here, anyway?"
The purple pony then said, "We were given orders by Princess Celestia to find the source of a falling comet."
"Falling comet?" Andrew repeated those last two words in confusion. "Just what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Last night, Princess Celestia had received news from her sister, Princess Luna, that a giant green fireball had crash landed in Ponyville. So she told me and my friends to find out what caused it. And that's when we found you three."
"Ponyville?" I said. "OK, just where the Hell are we exactly?"
"You three are in Ponyville: one of the many places of our great country, Equestria."
The pony's quick explanation was interrupted by the sound of dry chuckling coming from Andrew's mouth. "What's got you laughing?" I inquired.
He then slowly explained to us, "While I was carrying you guys over to the hospital, I saw a sign that said, 'Welcome to Ponyville'; before meeting these talking ponies, I thought that the name was just some kind of bad joke!"
While I left him to his laughing, I turned back to the purple pony to clarify something. "So you're telling me that we're in some kind of world ruled by ponies?"
"Exactly."
"Wow, now this is fucking trippy."
"You said it," Jonathan agreed.
The purple pony was like, "Trippy?"
There came a long awkward silence, and then Andrew finally got all the giggles out of his system in time to break the silence. "So...do any of you ponies have names?"
And then the purple pony introduced herself and her friends. "Oh, of course, allow me to introduce ourselves. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie."
After hearing some of the silliest names ever uttered, me, Andrew, and even Jonathan, couldn't help ourselves when we started laughing! The blue pony called Rainbow Dash flew up to my face and said, "What's so funny?"
Then I said, "Those are the most ridiculous names that I've ever heard in my life!"
"What's so ridiculous about our names?"
"That's just it, they're not names, they're just random words! I mean that's like naming someone Trash Boat, or Shoe Feet, or Butt Pillow!"
Andrew then added, "Yeah, you all have to admit that those names do sound pretty stupid."
Rainbow Dash then said, "Oh yeah, then what's your names?"
I stopped laughing and introduced ourselves. "I'm Jeffrie, the drama king is called Jonathan, and the one who's probably wetting the bed by now is called Andrew."
The yellow pony called Fluttershy then flew over to Andrew, rubbed his head, and said, "Oh you poor thing, you must be catching a fever."
When I noticed that he was trembling, I said to him, "Hey Andrew, you better be careful, she might bite you!" me and Jonathan shared a chuckle while Andrew cried, "Shut up!"
The yellow pony that I've mentioned before then said, "You know, now that I'm looking at you three, you're definitely the strangest looking monkeys that I've ever seen in Equestria."
To this I respond, "We're not monkeys, we're humans!"
"Oh, I understand now; 'humans' is the name of your species," Twilight deduced in an overly gleeful manner. You know, seeing the way she was making a big deal over something so obvious was so adorable that it almost made me forget that we were talking to an animal.
But that little adorable act was immediately forgotten the moment Jonathan's grim thoughts kicked in. "So what do you plan on doing to us? It doesn't involve all of you strapping us to these beds and making us look like ponies through some kind of sick plastic surgery procedure, does it?"
The white pony called Rarity spat out a "pfft" before saying, "Puh-lease darling, do we honestly strike you as the savage type?"
"Rarity's right, we would never hurt you three," said Twilight. "In fact, we were just going to give you three a tour of Ponyville as soon as the doctor says you're all OK to go."
I was then like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's not going to happen; what is going to happen is that we're going to be given our stuff back, and then we're going to get as far away from here as possible."
The pink pony called Pinkie Pie then said, "Oh come on, everypony will just love to meet you!"
"Every what?" I asked.
"Everypony," Twilight repeated.
"Everypony? What's everypony?"
The orange pony called Applejack then explained. "Everypony: ya know like 'hey everypony' or 'listen up everypony' or 'we gotta warn everypony about this' or 'we need ta gather everypony together'. Ya know?"
Me and the guys were silent for a while, and then Jonathan said, "I don't get it." And Andrew said, "Yeah, I'm drawing a blank right now." And I said, "Yeah, Applejack, we don't speak freaky-deaky pony. OK, cowgirl?"
"Sweet Celestia," cursed Rainbow Dash, "everypony! You know, all the other ponies besides us!"
That's when I then realized what they were trying to say. "Oh, I see. You meant to say everybody."
Rarity then said, "Yes, we put the word 'pony' in every word. Isn't that weird?"
"Yes, that is weird," I agreed. "But do you know what's weirder? A world ruled by talking ponies, now that's weird!"
"OK, we get it," Twilight groaned with irritation, "you and your friends aren't used to seeing talking ponies. But it can't be that weird!"
"No, it's still pretty fucking weird!"
"Does somepony need a hug?" said Pinkie Pie. And when she said it, she held out her forelegs in a gesture that shows that she wanted to hug me.
But I didn't want to hug a pony--especially one that talks. So I leaned forward and told her, "How 'bout no, you crazy talking pony!"
Fluttershy had overheard my comment. So she stopped rubbing Andrew's head, flew towards me, and said, "That wasn't very nice." When I turned and looked at her, she went from being a strong, authoritative figure, to a weak, timid pony.
I was beginning to be annoyed at having to see them, so I said, "Don't you have anything better to do than bothering random people?"
To this Twilight said, "No, we were told to find you three, and that's exactly what we did. So you better get used to us!"
There was no way in Hell that me and my friends are going to get used to seeing these obnoxious, girly, sissy ponies! So I tried to get rid of them by using a Jedi mind trick. I waved my hand in front of them and said, "You want to go away, now." They all had confused looks on their faces. I tried this trick on many people before, but to no avail. I figured that maybe it could work on ponies; because it's just like what Obi-Wan Kenobi said, "The Force can have a strong influence on the weak minded." And since these ponies are clearly nothing but a bunch of dumb animals, who just happen to have the ability to speak, then they must be extremely weak minded.
Twilight then said, "Um...no we don't."
Then I repeated, "You want to go away, now."
But Rainbow Dash insisted, "No, we don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, we don't! What you think you're some kind of hypnotist, waving your hoof around like that?"
Apparently they've never heard of Jedi's--or hands for that matter. So I said to Rainbow Dash, "First of all, the word that you were looking for is Jedi, not hypnotist. And second of all, this is not a hoof; this is called a hand. And do you see these little bendy parts? They're called fingers. You want to see what they can do?" I leaned over to a table that was next to me, and I started to pick up a random object. "Look, I'm picking up an object! Now isn't that fascinating? Now let's see you pick it up." I then threw the object to the ground, and I waited for one of them to pick it up. "Go ahead, pick it up. Don't be shy, just pick it up. Oh that's right, you can't pick it up, because you don't have any fingers!" I was then pointing at my fingers and I was doing it in a gesture that shows that I'm trying to tell them, "Be jealous!"
Rainbow Dash then said, "You think you're better than us?"
To this I said, "Missy, I don't think, I know. And besides, we humans have higher functioning brains than you ponies. And we can pick stuff up; you can't pick shit up with a hoof, it's useless. It's all about the magic fingers, baby. Magic fingers. And speaking of magic, what was that pink laser beam that you," I was pointing at Twilight, "had blasted into our eyes?"
To this Twilight said, "That was basically just magic."
Jonathan was then like, "So you're saying that it was just plain magic?"
"Exactly."
I then let out a soft chuckle as I laid my hands behind my head and said, "OK, now I know that we must be dreaming."
"Why do you keep insisting that you're dreaming?"
"Well first of all, there's unicorns and pegasus in the room; unicorns and pegasus only exist in fairy tales and myths! And second of all, magic is not real; it's just a stupid superstition! And there's nothing that'll convince me that there is real magic in life."
"So there's nothing that'll convince you that magic is real?"
"Nope, nothing."
"OK, then I'll show you."
I then watched as Twilight's horn started to glow pink. Then out of nowhere a cloud pops up on top of my head, and it begins to drop little snowflakes on my head. I was like, "What the Hell's going on?!"
And Twilight was like, "Oh, I've used a summon spell to conjure up a snow cloud. And until you're convinced that magic is in fact real, I'm just gonna let it freeze you a bit."
As the snow began to bundle me up, I said to the guys, "Hey Jonathan, Andrew, will you look at this; an indoor blizzard, and in the middle of June." Jonathan was then like, "I believe in magic!" and Andrew was like, "I definitely believe in magic!" it was clear that neither of them wanted to go through the same shit that I'm having to go through. When I was finally starting to feel cold, I said to Twilight, "OK Twilight, turn it off; I'm convinced." Twilight's horn glowed pink again, then the cloud disappeared; but unfortunately, the snow didn't.
So as I began to rub some of the snow off, Andrew said, "I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic."
Then Twilight said, "Oh no, I can assure you that my magic is only used for good. In fact, I even represent the Element of Magic. And my friends here also represent the other Elements of Harmony. Now that I've mentioned it, I remember that it was only two days ago that my mentor--Princess Celestia--sent me to Ponyville so I could learn about the magic of friendship, and then..."
At this point I interrupted her, "Uh yeah, very interesting. Um, couldn't you just E-mail us the rest of this story?"
"E-mail?"
"Yeah, E-mail. You know just type down this story and E-mail it to us, because now doesn't seem like the right time to be telling us a very long story that we could honestly care less about."
They all had confused looks on their faces. Applejack then said, "What's E-mail?"
Then I told her, "E-mail, it's like a letter that you can send through the internet."
"What's internet?"
"Really? You ponies can talk, run hospitals, rule countries, and yet you don't even have internet?"
"Should we have it?"
As I was about to respond, a pony who looked like a Dr. came in. "Oh good, the three of you are awake. I was beginning to think that you were all dead."
"And just how bad were our injuries?" I asked.
"Well, none of your bones were seriously broken," the Dr. explained, "but you three were having some severe internal bleeding that would've killed you if we hadn't taken you in right away. But now that you're all right, you and your friends are free to go." Then a couple of nurse ponies came in with our backpacks, clothes, and oxygen masks.
"Holy shit, guys," cried Andrew, "I just realized that we're not wearing our oxygen masks!" he and Jonathan then started to do that suffocating act that Buzz Lightyear did in Toy Story.
I then gave them a reality check. "Wait guys, we're still alive, aren't we?"
They both stopped their little act and they started to notice the obvious. "Yeah, he's right," Jonathan admitted, "we're still breathing."
Then Andrew decided, "Then I guess we won't be needing those oxygen masks anymore."
The nurse ponies then threw the oxygen masks away and just gave us back our backpacks and clothes. When we had our clothes on and our backpacks hanging on our backs, we left the hospital and laid eyes on this Ponyville of theirs'. Right when we were about to leave for good, we heard Twilight say, "Wait, please don't go!"
I let out an annoyed sigh and said, "Why do you want us to stay so badly?"
Then Pinkie Pie popped out of nowhere and said, "I'll tell you why." After my nose had received a firm boop from Pinkie, we then heard background music being played out of nowhere, and then Pinkie Pie started to sing a musical number!
Pinkie Pie:
Because everypony needs a best friend!
Somepony who makes you smile when you frown,
Or picks you up when you're falling down!
And who will always stand beside you in the end?
Nopony but your best friend!
"Stop singing!" I screamed as loud as I can to put an end to that stabbing of my eardrums. I then lifted Pinkie by her ears and tail and told her, "It's no wonder we don't want to be here!" after placing her next to her pony friends, I told each of them, "And I've already told you ponies, when we get our stuff back, we're going to leave this place for good!"
Twilight then said, "Couldn't you at least let us give you three a tour?"
The guys were mouthing, "No! No!" and I said, "Yeah it sounds fun and all, but the answer's still no."
Pinkie Pie then said, "Couldn't we at least give you all goodbye hugs?" she then held out her forelegs in the same gesture as before. Apparently, she has some kind of weird obsession over giving hugs.
I then said to her, "Yeah, I'm gonna have to say no to a hug. And it hurts me to say no, because I'm usually a real people pleaser. Well thanks for creeping up our day, weird, demonic, talking ponies. Normally I would say 'auf wiedersehen', but since that means 'till we meet again', and since neither of us wish to see any of you again, I say to you, goodbye." We then turned around and tried to get as far away from these ponies as quickly as possible.
As we were leaving, we got to see a bit more of this Ponyville. We saw ponies selling things, ponies building things, ponies doing exactly the same things that we humans would do. A world ruled by ponies, I thought to myself, why couldn't it have been something more badass like Middle-earth or Westeros?
Anyway, as we were just walking along, I said to the guys, "Guys, I have a feeling we're not in Texas anymore."
Andrew said, "Don't you mean Kansas?"
Then I said, "Yes, but technically we're not from Kansas."
"Oh yeah, that's right."
After receiving some stares from passerby ponies, Jonathan finally decided to speak. "Just where are we heading, exactly?"
"I don't know," I stated nonchalantly, "as long as I don't have to be around anymore talking ponies, I don't care where we go."
"I just hope the next place we're in doesn't look like it came out of a coloring book," Jonathan commenced his bitching. "Having to look at all of these over-the-top colorful buildings, ponies, and landscapes are making me want to drown myself in a pool of ink."
Yeah, I might've forgotten to point out just how much the guys and I seem to really stick out in this world. While everything around us looks like it's from any kids cartoon show, the three of us surprisingly didn't seem to change in anyway. To put it more bluntly, this all feels like going to Toontown in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Anyway, when we came to the end of Ponyville, Andrew suddenly grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me back. I then realized that he did this because some moron who was driving a chariot almost ran me over! I cried, "Hey asshole, why don't you watch where you're driving?!" and then out of the chariot came a pony unlike any other.
This pony was a lot taller than the other ponies; while the ponies we met before were only as tall as our crotch area, this pony is able to look at all three of us by the same eye level. She also had on golden horseshoes (no pun intended), a golden necklace, and a golden crown. And aside from the long horn atop her forehead and her large white wings that could easily wrap all three of us in one big hug, her mane shines with the colors of a rainbow that flows without any assistance from wind. This pony then trot towards us and said, "Hello, you must be the three who fell out of the sky. And you are...?"
"I'm Andrew."
"I'm Jonathan."
"And I'm Jeffrie. Who the Hell are you?"
Taking no offense to my comment, the pony gave us her name. "I am Princess Celestia; I am the ruler of Equestria."
Cute title for a ruler, I chuckled inside. "I'm sorry, but did you just say that you're a princess?"
"That's right," she clarified, "And I'm also the ruler of all Equestria."
OK, what dumbass taught this chick how a monarchy works?! My inner chuckle immediately turned into an uncontrollable guffaw. "All right missy, I understand that you must be trying to show just what a capable leader you might be destined to be, but I'm pretty sure that meeting new arrivals is the queen's job."
Her welcoming smile transformed itself into an annoyed frown. "There is no queen; I am Equestria's sole leader."
"Yeah right, and I'm the King in the North!" after getting that little jape out of my system, I told the pony princess, "listen Princess, you want to think that you're not a figurehead, then by all means believe whatever the fuck you believe in. We on the other hand are in a real hurry to get out this town. Toodles!"
As we were about to leave, Princess Celestia had suddenly teleported herself right in front of us and said, "And where are you three going?"
"Away from here," I said.
"Anywhere in particular?"
"Uh...yeah, we're going to a place that has humans and no talking ponies."
"Well I'm afraid that you three won't find such a place like that here; I've been to every city, town, and village in Equestria, and not once have I ever seen anyone of your kind before."
Andrew and Jonathan both looked at each other as if all of their hope had been drained. But I wasn't about to let some pony princess tell me that we can't accomplish this. "Well you're a fucking horse, so how would you know? In fact, since I brought that up, why don't you go eat some hay? And better yet, why don't you and all those other ponies start neighing like normal horses?"
"I just think that it would be wise that you three stay here."
"And I think that you should get the fuck out of our way before I throw you away!"
The moment she stomped her hoof and let out a brutal huff, I could have sworn that Andrew was prepared to drop to his knees by then. "Do not dare threaten me, for I am more powerful than I appear!"
"Oh really, what're you gonna do, Princess? Strike me with lightning?" when I turned my back on her, I suddenly heard a loud bang, and I felt a short of burning pain coming from my ass! "What the Hell was that?!"
"Oh nothing," chuckled Celestia as she looked away with a playful smirk on her face, "I just summoned a lightning bolt to strike your rear end."
I was then about to lunge towards her and beat the shit out of her, but Andrew's strong arms were holding me back. While being restrained by my pal, I was shouting stuff like, "Let me at her! LET ME AT HER! Nobody strikes me in the ass and gets away with it! When I get ahold of you, I'm gonna rip off that horn of yours and shove it right up your fucking...!"
Putting his hand over my mouth right in the middle of my threat/promise, Andrew said to Celestia, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you'll have to excuse our friend."
"Yeah," Jonathan followed, "he has a tendency of letting his mouth get too much control over him. (Which is why it's a miracle that he's not stuck in prison.)"
"Anyway, Princess, ma'am," Andrew tried to sound courteous, "might I add on what beautiful hair you have; did you fix it yourself or do you have private hair stylists to take care of that for ya? I must imagine every guy who lays eyes on you is just begging to be your husband. Also..." Jonathan managed to give Andrew a light kick to the shin before he made the pony princess think he was proposing to her. "You uh...said that we should stay?"
"Yes, that I did." Celestia--after giggling to herself from Andrew's over-the-top compliments--then explained some more. "I strongly suggest that you three should stay in Ponyville, and spend six days with Twilight Sparkle and her friends."
Jonathan then said, "So basically you want us to do six days of community service?"
"You can say that." Said Celestia.
Jonathan and Andrew were both silent for a while. Andrew was the first to reach a decision. "I suppose that wouldn't do us no harm."
Jonathan gave the princess his answer in his own somber way. "Well, if I have to decide on spending six days of my life being held hostage by potential kidnappers, or risk traveling miles to nowhere and getting myself robbed and rapped by some thug disguised as a harmless hobo or by a sleazy hooker who tricked me into thinking she actually cared about me...I suppose that the former would be the least miserable."
"Very well..." Celestia adverted her uncomfortable gaze away from Jonathan as she put back her cheerful mask on before speaking to me. "And what is your answer?"
Finally being released from Andrew's bear grip, I took a deep breath before I gave the pony princess my answer. "No, no. Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm. No, no, no! Hell no! NO! NO! I refuse to...no! NO!"
But despite that, me and the guys had suddenly found ourselves upon the doorstep of one Twilight Sparkle.
When Twilight opened the door, she was more shocked to see the Princess as opposed to us. "Princess Celestia, what brings you here?"
"Oh nothing much," said Celestia, "I just came to tell you that for the next six days, these three are going to be living with you and your friends."
Twilight then finally acknowledged our presence. "So you three decided to stay here?"
Right when I was about to say otherwise, Celestia said, "Not yet, but who knows? After they spend some time with you and your friends, they might like staying in Ponyville after all."
"My ass!" I muttered. And ironically, another bolt of lightning just happened to have struck me on the ass again. As Andrew was using his tackling skills to pull me away from Celestia, I cried out to her, "Strike me again, strike me with lightning again! I dare you; I double dare you, bitch! Just strike me in the ass with lightning one more God damn fucking time and see what happens next!"
Celestia then warned Twilight, "I'd be careful around that one if I were you."
And Twilight said, "I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
And then with that being said, Celestia then got back on her chariot and flew off into the sky.
The door to Twilight's place was small, but it wasn't too small for us to walk through. And when we did enter Twilight's home, I noticed a lot of books everywhere--so I would have to assume that she's the librarian around here. If she's the librarian, then what does that make her other friends? One of them could be a police officer, a politician, even a drill instructor. But we'll soon find out tomorrow, and the days after tomorrow. Why? because we're having to be forced to spend the next six days of doing some short of community service that involves us having to live with these ponies. And the reason why this is happening to us is because that bitch (Princess Celestia) would keep on striking my ass with lighting if she didn't get her way.
Now Twilight's home is--literally--a tree! And I'm not kidding, she's a unicorn librarian who lives inside a tree! I bet that Treebeard would be pissed to see a pony living inside a tree.
"I hope that you three will come to enjoy Ponyville," said Twilight. "Come, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping."
We then followed her up the stairs--I don't really know how to describe them; all I can tell you is that they were spiral. Anyway, when we've reached the upper part of her house, we heard her say, "Spike, I want you to meet our guests."
"Hi there."
We looked down and we saw with our very eyes, a real dragon! As everybody knows, it's been every boy's fantasy to see a real dragon. Probably when we were like about five. His scales were bright with purple that seemed to bring out the lime green of his underbelly, and the spikes that sprouted from his back to his head were as green as the shade of his eyes. This one's a lot smaller than what we'd expect from a dragon; by the innocent smile and green puppy-like eyes we could probably guess right away that he was still in his baby stage. If not for the reptile-like pupil within his eyes, I would've forgotten that this precious little lizard shall one day grow into the massive, fire breathing monster of destruction that would have every part of my body stay still during a midnight screening of The Desolation of Smaug.
I then said, "Is that a real dragon?!"
Then Twilight said, "Of course he is. This is Spike; he's my number one dragon assistant."
"So let me get this straight," I said, "not only do ponies talk here, but there's dragons here as well?!"
"Exactly."
"Whoa, now this is fucking trippy."
"There's that word again: trippy. Is everypony physically clumsy where you come from?"
"Well, if by everypony you mean everybody, then no, not everybody's physically clumsy where we come from."
"Then what's trippy supposed to mean, anyway?"
I didn't really feel like explaining our vocabulary to a pony, so I decided to let Jonathan explain it to her instead. "Trippy is a word that we use to describe something that's really messed up."
Twilight then said, "Oh, I understand now. I should add that to the pony dictionary."
"A pony dictionary?" I said to the guys. "What's next, a pony thesaurus?"
We then chuckled a bit until Spike had said, "Oh yes, it's right next to the pony atlas."
I was like, "OK, do these ponies literally just insert the word 'pony' in everything?"
And Spike was like, "How should I know? I'm a dragon."
Jonathan--for no reason at all-- walked up to Twilight and said, "So... judging by all of these books, I'm guessing that you're the smart one."
Twilight turned to him and said, "Of course I am. Isn't it obvious?" that question was clearly rhetorical, so we didn't have to answer it. Twilight then said to me, "Say, if you guys are going to stay in Ponyville, wouldn't you need a place of your own?"
Then I said, "Yeah, but chances are we're not going to stay here. So why would you ask?"
"Oh, I was just wondering that if you could have your own dream house, what would it look like?"
"Well first of all, the house would need to be big enough for three guys. And second of all, it'll need to be green."
"What kind of green?"
"What do you mean 'what kind of green'?"
"Like do you want it dark green or light green?"
"I would say that it should be a mix between dark and light green. You know, a perfect shade of green. But more importantly, my dream house must have absolutely no windows."
"Why no windows?"
"Because I like to have a little bit of privacy, that's why."
"OK, just one last thing. What color would your room be?"
"Green."
"What about yours, Jonathan?"
Jonathan thought for a while and said, "Purple."
Before moving on to Andrew, Twilight had a cheeky smirk upon her face when these next words came spewing out of her muzzle. "Are you saying that because you like the color of my coat?"
Feeling as if he were being interrogated by the police, Jonathan--with a red face--was practically on the verge of panic when he gave his reasons. "What?! No, no! That totally has nothing to do with it! I mean, sure, I'm certain that everybody around here must think that you have a pretty coat! Purple's a pretty color; who ever said that purple isn't pretty?! You'd have to be a fucking moron to think purple doesn't make your coat look pretty! Not that I'm saying that that's the reason why I want my room to be purple; I only chose it because...you know...it's such a pretty color!"
We all stood and stared at Jonathan very silently as he grinned nervously with beads of sweat showering his entire face. When the silence started to feel uncomfortable enough, Twilight had the courtesy of breaking it. "And what about you, Andrew?"
Andrew took a long while to come up with an answer. In the end, he decided, "Orange is fine."
Twilight then rolled up a long sheet of paper and she said, "OK, I'm gonna go tell the others about your visits. So Spike, I think now would be a good time to set up the guest bed." She then went down the spiral stairs to speak with those friends of hers, while Spike went to set up the guest bed.
As we were waiting for the little dragon to return with the guest bed, I turned to Jonathan and started a conversation with him. "So Jonathan, what was up with that little spaz attack you were having just now?"
"What about it?" he asked apprehensively.
"Well from the way you were reacting, I would've thought that maybe you were trying to hide something from Twilight."
"I don't want to talk about it."
Andrew felt that maybe now was a good time for him to get in on the conversation as well. "You have a crush on her, Jonathan?"
"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Jonathan hissed.
"OK, OK, we won't bring it up," said Andrew with assurance.
Had it not been for the abrupt sound of scratching wood, we probably would've been tempted to continue this cumbersome chit-chat. Moving our eyes to where the sound was being heard, we watched as Spike pitifully tried his hardest to push a large bed next to Twilight's. At one point, he had to stop and allow himself to let out four strained huffs; by the time he regained at least a fraction of some energy, he was lucky enough to move the bed at least three more centimeters before having to take a break again.
"You want some help with that?" I offered my assistance to the little dragon.
"No thanks," he declined, "I can handle this."
Wiping off some sweat, Spike continued with his chore of pushing the guest bed. Not wanting to see the poor kid break his back, Andrew and I wasted no time in running up the steps and giving him a helping hand. Grabbing both ends of the bed, Andrew and I managed to lift it high enough so it would no longer have to scrape upon the wooden floor.
"Where should we put this?" Andrew asked the breathless dragon assistant.
"Over there's fine," Spike exhaled as he pointed his claw to the designated area for us.
After we successfully placed the guest bed for Spike, I asked him, "So where will you be sleeping?"
He then told me, "Oh, in my basket, as always."
That statement caught me and Andrew by surprise. "You sleep in a basket?"
"Of course, where else would I sleep?"
"What about this big bed?" Andrew pointed out.
"That bed's for guest only; I only sleep in the basket."
"So instead of sleeping in a big, wide bed, you insist on sleeping in a small basket?"
"Well yeah, that's what I 've just been telling you."
"But don't you ever feel cramped sleeping in that basket? I mean, you could have all of this space on this bed. And yet you choose to sleep in a basket?"
"I don't really mind all that," he then yawned. "I mean, I've been sleeping in that basket ever since Twilight first hatched me."
Before I had a chance of asking Spike, Andrew was kind enough to ask for me. "How did you end up with Twilight, anyway?"
Finding a newfound enthusiasm within himself, Spike was more than eager to give us a little back story. "Well, from what Twilight told me, she hatched me out of my egg with her magic as part of an entrance exam to a magic school. I was also told that Princess Celestia used to take care of me; but since she barely had any time for me, she decided to let Twilight look after me instead."
"And just how old was Twilight when she took you in?" I inquired.
Tapping his chin in thought, Spike came up with a response. "I'd like to say that she was probably eight when this happened."
"You mean that princess actually gave custody of an orphan lizard to an eight-year-old?" said Jonathan as he finally decided to climb up the steps and join us. When he did took his place amongst us, the only thing he received from Spike was an irritated scowl.
"Ahem, I believe the word you were looking for is dragon," the kid clarified for him.
"Same difference," Jonathan shrugged.
"Don't mind him," I told Spike. "He's always grumpy."
"That's not true," Jonathan protested.
"He's right," Andrew agreed, "normally it's Jeffrie who acts rude."
"Well, at least I know that I'm far more polite than Jonathan," I quipped.
"Fuck you, Jeffrie," Jonathan pouted.
After letting out some chuckles, Spike suddenly began to yawn. "Well, I'm feeling tired. I think you guys should get some shut eye. Because tomorrow you're gonna have to visit another one of Twilight's friends."
...
After me and the guys got into our pajamas, we immediately went straight to bed. I was on the left side of the bed, Jonathan was on the right side, and Andrew was in the middle. As we were about to sleep, I leaned over to where Spike was getting himself cozy on his basket and asked, "Hey Spike, what are Twilight's friends names again?"
"Didn't you meet them at the hospital?" said Spike.
"Yes," I confessed, "but I quickly forgot them when we started leaving."
"Oh, well first you have Applejack: she's the farmer at Sweet Apple Acres. Then you have Rainbow Dash: she's the pegasus who thinks she's the living definition of awesome. Then you have Rarity: total knockout. Twilight seems to think that I don't have a chance with her, but what does she know?"
Andrew was then like, "You have a crush on her?"
Then Spike said, "Who wouldn't?"
And Then Jonathan was like, "Um...she's OK, I guess."
"OK!" cried Spike. "She's only one of the most beautiful ponies in all of Equestria!"
"If you say so," said Jonathan, not wanting to continue this little argument.
Spike then continued to tell me the rest of Twilight's friends. "Anyway, there's also Fluttershy: a pegasus who's afraid of heights. Can you believe that? And last but not least, there's Pinkie Pie: the party animal. And don't be surprised if she wants to throw a party for you guys. Because she throws parties for everypony she meets."
"Again with the 'everypony'," I said. "Can't anybody here just say everybody?"
Spike chuckled a bit and he said, "You know, I wish that you guys will stay (except maybe Jonathan). Because you seem pretty cool to me."
I like to hear someone say that I'm cool; but to hear a dragon say that I'm cool, now that's freaking awesome! Anyway, seeing that this might be the last time I'll ever get to see Spike, I said to him, "Hey Spike, there's something I've been dying to ask you."
"What is it?"
"How do dragons breathe fire, anyway?"
Spike was silent for a while, and then he said, "I actually don't know."
The next day, I woke up and to my surprise I noticed that Andrew was snuggling Jonathan! I could hear Andrew saying fucked up shit like "Oh yeah baby" or "You know just how daddy likes it", and while I was hearing this, I couldn't help find this to be both funny and fucked up at the same time. I was going to wake up Spike and let him see it, but he wasn't in his basket--which was a real shame, because he probably would've laughed his little dragon ass off. But that however didn't stop me from taking out my cellphone and snapping a picture to show to Spike later on.
I then decided to wake up Jonathan; I poked his head and said, "Oh Jonathan, wakey-wakey eggs and bakey."
Jonathan looked up at me and said, "Good morning, Jeffrie. Why does my neck feel warm?"
"Look beside you and you'll see why."
He then turned around and was shocked to find Andrew's face smacked right next to his. What happened next was Jonathan screaming his head off and Andrew pushing him off the bed in fright.
"What happened?!" cried Andrew. "I heard a loud scream! Did somebody die?!"
Jonathan then said to him, "What the Hell, man?! What the Hell?!"
"What did I do?"
"You tell me; one minute I was sleeping and the next minute I find you wrapping your arms around me!"
"I did what?!"
"That's right, Andrew," I said, "you were snuggling him." I then showed them the picture on my cellphone and added, "You're boyfriend and boyfriend!" and then I started to laugh a bit until Jonathan tried to take my phone away from me. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get your panties in a wad. What did you think I was going to do, post it on Facebook? We're in a world that has no internet, and besides, everybody that we knew on Earth isn't going to find out because they probably think that we're dead! Now will you two relax and look on the brightside?"
"Where exactly could there possibly be a brightside in all of this?!" Jonathan demanded.
Then I told him, "Well, you remember back on the cruise when we were talking about how we may never get to see each other after we come back from our trip to Mars? But as you can see, fate has led us to a strange new world where we'll always have to stick together."
Andrew then said, "You know Jeffrie has a good point; one minute we were talking about how we may never see each other again, and now we're in a situation that requires us to be together at all times."
Jonathan began to slowly ease up upon receiving this realization. "Well, when you put it that way, I guess that there is some good in being trapped in a world ruled by talking ponies. Except for the talking ponies. That's the one part that I might not get used to."
"Can't argue with that," I agreed.
Someone was then coming up the stairs; we turned around and saw that it was none other than Twilight Sparkle. "Oh good, you guys are awake," she said to us. "You three better start packing your things, because you're gonna be living with one of my friends today."
When she went back down the stairs, me and the guys got our clothes on, our things packed, and we were ready to go. When we came down the stairs, Spike walked up to me and said, "Well, I guess this is goodbye."
I didn't want the little guy to be sad, so I knelt down to his level and said to him, "Hey Spike, before I go, I want you to look at this." I then showed him the picture of Andrew snuggling Jonathan; and just as I predicted, he laughed his little dragon ass off!
"Come on you guys," cried Twilight, "we're gonna be late!"
"Is she always like this?" I asked Spike.
And then he told me, "Hey, just consider yourselves lucky that you only have to put up with this for one day; I've been putting up with this ever since I was hatched."
"Well thank God I'm not in your position; because to be honest, I wouldn't last a minute with her." I said that just for the sake of cheering Spike up--which worked by the way. Anyway, after Spike was finished chuckling at my joke, I said to him, "Well, goodbye Spike."
Before I even rose up a fraction of an inch, I felt Spike's claws tugging on my jeans. "Jeffrie." The little guy looked down at first, but after three seconds he managed to look me in the eye again to tell me, "Thank you for helping me with the guest bed. Nopony ever offers me any assistance; I've mostly had to do all the work myself. You and Andrew didn't have to help me, by the way; but I still appreciate it anyway."
Placing my hand on his scaley shoulder, I said, "Hey, no one should ever have to do all the work by themselves. There's no shame in asking anyone for help; so don't be afraid to do so the next time you're having do some hard work again." With that said, I finally got back on my feet and caught up with the guys.
As we were walking out of Twilight's place, Spike rushed out and said to Jonathan and Andrew, "Hope you two love-birds have a nice day!"
Jonathan turned around and was like, "Why you little scaly bastard!"
And he would've hurt Spike very badly if I hadn't grabbed him by his vest and stopped him. "Jonathan," I said, "what the Hell do you think you're doing?"
"But he..."
"I don't care, he's a dragon; that automatically makes him cool."
"SO?!"
"So if he's cool, that means we can't hurt him. Now come on, we got places to go and people to meet--ponies that is."
As we were following Twilight, Jonathan said to me, "So let me get this straight, you show no concern when I was practically being violated by Andrew, and let you do show concern when I'm about to hurt a dragon?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" I said.
Jonathan was then like, "You know Jeffrie, sometimes I wonder if being your friend is worth it."
And I was like, "You wouldn't be the first to think that."
While me and Jonathan were chatting, Andrew said to Twilight, "So, who are we going to be living with next?"
Then Twilight told him, "You're going to be living with Applejack: she and her family live in Sweet Apple Acres."
"She's the orange one who wears the cowboy hat and speaks in the southern accent, right?"
"Yep, that's her."
A few minutes later, we have finally arrived to--what I'm assuming is--Sweet Apple Acres. As I looked around, I could see nearly shit loads of apple trees. "Whoever lives here sure does love apples." I said to myself.
"Of course they do," Twilight replied. "After all, Applejack and her family are the ones who supply Ponyville with apples."
So yeah, we're basically going to be living with an apple rancher for today. As we were walking through, we saw Applejack kicking an apple tree. When she finally noticed us, she ran towards Twilight and said, "Well howdy, Twilight! What brings ya here?"
"Oh not much," said Twilight, "just wanted to let you know that it's your turn to let Jeffrie and his friends spend the day with you."
Applejack then grabbed my hand and she started to shake it very rapidly. "Well howdy there, sugarcube. I don't believe we've properly met; I'm Applejack, and this here's my home, Sweet Apple Acres. And if I remember correctly, you must be Jeffrie." She then grabbed Jonathan's hand and said, "And you must be Jonathan." And then she grabbed Andrew's hand and said, "And you're Andrew."
After Applejack had finally finished shaking our hands, Twilight said to us, "Well, I hope the three of you enjoy yourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be heading back to the library." As Twilight was leaving, Jonathan--for some strange reason--was just watching her leave. Even when Applejack was giving us a tour of her place, he was still just standing there and watched where Twilight had left.
But after I had snapped Jonathan out of his trance, we were able to continue with Applejack's tour. "Now as you three may already know," said Applejack, "me and my family are the ones responsible fer supplyin' Ponyville with apples." As she was telling us this, she then noticed that Andrew was staring fixedly at her. "Uh...ya lookin' at somethin', sugarcube?"
Andrew was then like, "Oh, uh...I was just looking at your hat."
"What about it?"
"It... looks nice."
Applejack then started to blush and said, "Aw shucks, sugarcube, ya don't need ta flatter me."
Jonathan then said to me, "OK, why does she keep saying 'sugarcube'?"
Then I said to him, "I don't know; it must be a pony thing."
Anyway, after Applejack had finally finished her tour, she then decided to introduce us to her family. Like Twilight's place, her door was small, but we were still able to walk through it. Anyway, when we've entered her house, I saw three other ponies that were across from us. "Come on over, everypony," Applejack hollered. "We have guest!"
"She means everybody." I corrected.
She turned to me and said, "That's what I just said."
Anyway, first came this big red pony with some type of wood thing around his neck--I believe they call it a yoke. "Jeffrie and company," said Applejack, "this here's my big brother, Big McIntosh. But we usually just call him Big Mac fer short." When he shook our hands, he didn't say much. So I'm assuming that he must be mute. Next came this little yellow pony with a pink bow around her head. "This here's my little sister, Apple Bloom." Me and the guys had to bend our knees a bit just so she could be able to shake our hands.
"Well howdy there," Apple Bloom greeted us. "You must be them fellers who fell out of the sky."
I then said, "Yeah, that's basically who we are."
Then Applejack said, "And the pony all the way over there is Granny Smith." She then pointed to a green pony who was sleeping on a rocking chair.
When we got closer, we all realized that she was a very old pony. Rinkles, white hair, sleeping during the day on a rocking chair; that's pretty much the three basic things that makes someone old. "Granny Smith," Applejack woke her, "we have guest."
Granny Smith then got off her rocker and she trotted towards us. When she came to greet us, she had her face right in front of Andrew's face--because apparently old people have really bad eyesight and need to be closer to the person or thing that they're trying to look at (she obviously could use some of Twilight Sparkle's laser eye surgery). When she began to get a much clearer look of Andrew, she said, "Why aren't you the strangest lookin' monkey I've ever done seen."
Andrew then said, "That's probably because I'm not a monkey; I'm a human."
Then Granny Smith said, "I've seen a lot of strange lookin' creatures in my time, but I've never seen creatures like y'all before." Her eyes began to close, her head drooped down, and I could've sworn that I heard her snoring.
As Applejack was helping Granny Smith getting back on her rocker, she said, "While Granny Smith's sleepin', maybe now will be a good time ta get some chores done." As she, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom began to leave, me and the guys just stood there looking at Granny Smith. Then out of nowhere I heard Applejack say, "Y'all can just leave yer stuff right there and come help us with the chores."
I was then like, "Say that again?"
Then Applejack said, "Well if y'all gonna be livin' here, then y'all gonna have ta lend us a hoof."
"You mean 'lend us a hand'."
"That's what I just said."
When Applejack left, Andrew then said, "Does she really expect us to work?"
Then I said, "Well it's either that or watch their grandmother sleep." After Granny Smith had made a very disgusting type of snore, I was like, "Yeah I'd rather work."
And Andrew was like, "Same here."
We then began to leave, but we stopped because we noticed that Jonathan was still watching Granny Smith. Andrew said to him, "Aren't you coming?"
Then he said, "Nah, I don't feel like working."
"Oh no," I said, "you're not gonna weasel your way out of this one, buster! If me and Andrew have to work, then you're gonna work too! Now move your lazy ass!"
"I don't want to!" whined Jonathan.
"Well BOO-FUCKITY-HOO," I cried, "you heard Applejack, if we're living here, then we got to do our part. And that includes you!"
"I'm. Not. Going!"
I then said to Andrew, "Well Andrew, looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way." Me and him then stepped towards Jonathan, and right when he saw us coming, he grabbed a part of the wall and he started to perform another one of his drama king acts while me and Andrew tried to pull him out of the house.
"NO," whined Jonathan, "I don't wanna work! I'm gonna get all sweaty and sticky!"
"Get a hold of yourself, Jonathan," said Andrew. "We just graduated from high school, which means we're officially men now. And we're gonna have to start acting like men."
"But I don't wanna be a man!"
I then said to Andrew, "I wonder if Twilight can magically change him into a woman?" We both began to chuckle as we were forcing our drama king of a friend into doing manual labor with us.
This is how the work was done: Applejack kicks the apple trees so that they'll all fall into barrels, while Big Mac carries the barrels over to the barn. As for Apple Bloom, she just tends to the pigs--since that's the kind of work that a pony of her size can do. And this is how we did the work: Andrew will help Applejack pick some of the apples out of the trees, while I help Big Mac carry the barrels over to the barn. And since Jonathan has no problem acting like a little girl, he gets to help Apple Bloom tend to the pigs.
So far, I've carried about fifteen barrels of apples into the barn. As I sat down a bit to catch my breath, I said to Big Mac, "Boy, this is some hard work."
Then to my complete surprise, I heard him say, "E'yup."
"Did you just say something?"
"E'yup."
"Oh, so you can talk."
"E'yup."
Feeling that we've rested long enough, Big Mac and I got back on our feet and went on to continue the labor. A few hours later, I've now carried fifty barrels to the barn. As I laid the barrel down, I asked Big Mac, "Hey Big Mac, do you usually take breaks after fifty barrels?"
"E'yup."
"Would now be a good time to take a break?"
"E'yup."
"Alrighty then."
After that, I went to see how Jonathan was doing. I saw him just lying down beside Apple Bloom, as they were watching Andrew pick apples off a tree. I then said to them, "You two taking a break?"
Then Jonathan said, "No, we're actually done. And it was easy, too; I filled the trough with some of that stuff that pigs like to eat, while Apple Bloom cleaned them."
"How are you and Big Mac doin'?" asked Apple Bloom.
I then told her, "Well we just carried fifty barrels of apples into the barn."
Apple Bloom then said, "Judgin' by all of that sweat and heavy breathin', I'd say you were workin' hard."
You can say that again, I thought to myself. I then decided to lie down next to them. "So how's Andrew doing?" I asked.
Apple Bloom then said, "so far he's only finished pickin' the apples off of one tree."
"Seriously?" I said, "it's been like what, an hour? And yet he only finished one tree?"
"Well look at how my big sister's doin' it; she just kicks the tree then all the apples come down lickety-split. But yer friend's just pickin' them one by one, when he could easily get 'em all down just by kickin' the tree."
Jonathan was then like, "You mean you can literally just get all the apples off a tree just by kicking it?"
Then Apple Bloom said, "It ain't called apple buckin' fer nothin'."
I then called out to Andrew, "Hey Andrew, Apple Bloom says that you can get all the apples off the tree just by kicking it!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, really!"
We then all watched as Andrew was about to kick the tree. But before he did that, he did that crane stance that Ralph Macchio did in The Karate Kid. I said to Jonathan, "Check it out, he's about to do a little Karate Kid action."
Me, Jonathan, and Apple Bloom, leaned forward as we observed Andrew preparing to kick that tree. Then right when he had finally kicked the tree, instead of apples falling down, it was instead him falling down, grabbing his foot, and screaming in pain. Andrew then did that painful sigh that Peter Griffin did in Family Guy--you know, when he was running back home and he tripped and hurt his knee. While he was doing that, me and Jonathan were laughing hysterically while Apple Bloom just stared at us confusingly.
That's when Applejack came over and checked to see if his foot was all right. Applejack then said to him, "You all right, sugarcube?"
Andrew for some reason was blushing as he said, "Oh, uh...yeah, I'm fine."
"Well here, let me buck this here tree fer ya." And that's when she kicked the tree for him.
I was then like, "Oh my God, please tell me I didn't just see that?"
"See what?" asked Apple Bloom.
Jonathan then told her, "Your sister being stronger than our friend."
"So what if my sister's stronger than yer friend?"
"That's the point," I explained, "men are supposed to be stronger than women. A man can't be considered a real man if he's not stronger than a woman." Right when I had said that an idea had come to me. I asked Apple Bloom, "Hey Apple Bloom, where do you keep the paper, pencils, and tape?"
Then she said, "Inside our house of course. Why do ya ask?"
"You'll see soon enough." I then got up and went into their house. When I entered the house, I noticed that Granny Smith was still asleep. As I walked past her, I could hear her talking in her sleep. She was saying things like, "It sure is great gettin' ta be young again." and "I love the smell of apple cider in the mornin'." Anyway, as she was snoozing, I went to a drawer and I got out a piece of paper, a pencil, and some tape. I then wrote something on the paper, and then I put a little bit of tape on it. I then grabbed the paper and went back outside (not until I closed the door behind me first).
As Andrew was finally getting back on his feet, I walked up to him, patted him on the back, and I said, "Keep up the good work, buddy ole pal!" I then walked back to Jonathan and Apple Bloom and said, "Hey, you want to see something funny? Look what I did to Andrew." They both looked at Andrew. And when he had finally turned his back, they both started to laugh at what I did to him. What I did was put a sign on his back that said: NOT A REAL MAN.
As Andrew was watching us laugh, he was thinking to himself, what are they laughing at? Applejack then saw the sign and she said to him, "Uh, not meanin' ta bother ya, but I think that yer friend just pulled a prank on ya."
"What do you mean?" said Andrew.
When she told him about the sign, he pulled it off his back and he read it--and boy was he pissed. He then grabbed a couple of apples and he started to throw them at me and Jonathan. But luckily for us that he was a bad thrower--yeah, he might've been a football player, but he was never really good at throwing anything. Anyway, while he was throwing the apples at us, Applejack had pulled his arms back and said, "What in tarnation do ya think you're doin'? Don't throw the apples!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Andrew raised both his hands in front of his face, as if expecting to receive a beating. "I wasn't trying to tick you off on purpose, I swear!"
Finally calming herself down after Andrew's plea for mercy, Applejack placed a tender hoof upon his bulky shoulder and told him, "It's all right, sugarcube. I ain't angry at ya."
"Is that why you were just raising your voice at him in an angry tone just now?" the Aspie part of me pointed out.
Taking her sympathetic gaze away from Andrew, Applejack gave me the look of strict teacher who's ready to chastise a troublesome student. "Why don't ya mind yer own business!"
"I'm just saying that if you weren't really angry with him, then you wouldn't have raised your voice at him in the first place."
"Well nopony asked ya; so why don't ya mosey along and start carryin' more barrels!"
Not wanting to continue talking with her (especially after receiving that brutal "mind your own business" beratement that hadn't attacked me since fifth grade), I simply went off to collect more barrels while I secretly curse Applejack for a bitch inside my head.
...
A few more hours later, it was now nighttime, and Big Mac and I have now carried one hundred barrels of apples! "Boy was that hard work or what?" I said, while panting for breath. I noticed that Big Mac didn't reply, so I said to him, "You don't say much, do you?" and to my surprise he said, "Nope." That was now the second word that I heard him say.
"So... you can say more than one word, but you just choose not to?"
"E'yup."
So yeah, he's basically the strong, silent type. Anyway, when the chores were finally finished, me and the guys walked back into the house; and to our surprise, we saw a delicious dinner that was set upon the table. "I bet you fellers must be hungry after doin' all that hard work." Said Granny Smith.
I then said, "You bet we are, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." They all looked at me with a scared expression on their faces, as if they were saying "Say what now?!"
Luckily Jonathan managed to calm them all down. "It's a figure of speech." With that taken care of we all sat at the table and began dinner.
This was the order that we all sat in: On the two edges of the table sat Granny Smith and Apple Bloom. Then on one side of the table, Applejack sat next to Granny Smith, and Big Mac sat next to Apple Bloom. Then on the other side Jonathan sat next to Granny Smith, while I sat next to Apple Bloom, and while Andrew sat in the middle. What we had for dinner was apples, apple pies, apple fritters, apple sauce (pretty much anything that's made out of apples) and we all had glasses of milk.
My friends and I must have some sort of psychic link with each other, because all three of us had chosen a red apple as our first meal. After the three of us took an individual bite out of our apples, Applejack was quick to ask, "So do y'all like 'em? We have a reputation fer makin' the best darn apples in all of Equestria."
"Oh yeah," Andrew eagerly offered his praise, "this tastes terrific!"
"Well, if this apple doesn't turn out to be poisoned then I guess I have nothing to complain about." Jonathan stated as he continued munching his apple to the core.
"And what about you, sugarcube?" Applejack waited for my decision.
Since I still had a huge chunk of apple in my mouth, the cowgirl had to wait until I could finally swallow before giving her my response. "It's OK." I then immediately took another bite.
Applejack didn't seem to be too pleased with my final answer. "That's it? Just OK?"
"Well yeah," I said it as if it were common knowledge, "I mean it's not like eating this apple gives me infinite knowledge over everything. Granted, it's nice to finally eat an apple that doesn't cut my gums every time I take a bite out of it; but other than that, it's nothing special." After finishing my first apple, I wasted no time in grabbing a second one.
By the time I took another bite out of my second apple, I heard Apple Bloom's little voice call out, "Jeff?" She didn't know this, but I never liked it whenever someone refers to me as Jeff. I've got my reasons, of course: one, is that that's my dad's name, and I for one prefer the idea that I'm my own man and not my old man's extension; and two, I just downright think that Jeffrie sounds better. "Uh...Jeff?" had I not took another bite out of that apple, I could've explained everything to her myself. But luckily for me, and her, Jonathan's mouth wasn't already full.
"He prefers Jeffrie," Jonathan enlightened the little farm filly.
With this newfound knowledge, Apple Bloom managed to correct herself. "Jeffrie?"
In return for getting my name right, I gave her my attention. "Yeah Apple Bloom?"
"I was lookin' through yer bag and I found this." Raising up her left hoof, she revealed my video camera that I've brought with me on our cruise. A bit of me wanted to curse the little filly for a thief, but since she happens to be a kid, I decided to just simply take it from her and accept the fact that she just didn't know any better.
Sadly for Apple Bloom, however, her big sister isn't as merciful as I am. "Apple Bloom, who said you could go nosin' in on somepony's belongin's?!"
"I'm sorry," Apple Bloom apologized, "I just got a little curious is all."
While that was going on, I've been expecting my camera from top to bottom to see if that curious pony had done broken it. "I'm so sorry fer what my little sister just did," Applejack said in attempt to make amends.
"There's nothing to forgive," I accepted her apology, "it's not like she broke it."
"What is that thing, anyway?" Applejack found herself becoming just as curious as her sister.
"This is a video camera," by the looks on their faces, it would seem that I was going to have to go into more detail. "It's a device that can take pictures that can move."
"How does that work?" Apple Bloom's eyes beamed with interest.
To make it easier for them, I turned on the camera, pressed the record button, and gave them a visual example. "Hello, this is Jeffrie," I said to the camera, "my friends and I are having ourselves a little feast that our host have just made. Allow me to introduce them: this is Apple Bloom," the little farm pony was taken back by the sight of the camera. "This is her big sister, Applejack," the cowgirl looked a little apprehensive when I pointed the camera at her. "This here's her big brother, Big Mac," the red stallion immediately ducked under the table, worried that the camera was going to suck out his soul. "And over there's her grandma, Granny Smith," the old mare didn't seem too happy looking at the red dot that stood on my camera. Ending the video there, I pressed the play button and let the ponies be in awe by this recording.
"You mean that thing can record anythin'?" Apple Bloom wondered.
"Uh-huh," I clarified, "this bad boy can record just about anything."
As we all went back to eating, out of nowhere Apple Bloom asked me, "So... what do ya do where ya come from?"
Wanting to get back to my meal as quickly as possible, I looked at her and said, "Stuff."
Not even a second had passed before she immediately asks me, "What kind of stuff?"
Again, seeing as how I just want to get back to eating, I looked at her again and gave her another one of my short answers. "Human stuff."
And this time I nearly choked when I heard her ask, "And what's 'human stuff'?"
After successfully swallowing what could've been the death of me, I kept my face from looking too pissed off and my voice as calm as possible, I looked at her once again and told her, "Human stuff is stuff that humans like to do." Fearing that she might ask me another question, I immediately tried to change the subject, "So...do you always have apples for dinner?"
"E'yup," answered Big Mac.
I probably shouldn't be asking ponies this kind of question, but I didn't really care at this point. "Don't you ever have meat?"
Then Applejack said, "What do ya mean?"
"Well you have pigs, right?" I pointed out. "So don't you ever butcher them once in a while?"
They all stopped eating and they were looking at me with that scared expression again. I then heard Apple Bloom say, "You assumin' that we eat our own livestock?"
Then I said to her, "What's wrong kid, you never had porkchops before?"
Applejack then said rather firmly, "We happen ta be vegetarians, in case ya didn't notice."
That tone of hers didn't faze me the slightest. "Yeah, but bacon taste good, fried chicken taste good, and porkchops taste good."
"Well that may be good fer you," said Applejack, "but it sure ain't good fer us."
"That maybe the case," I continued, "but I still think that you're missing out."
As I continued eating, Andrew whispered to me, "Jeffrie, don't ever talk about eating meat in front of them again."
I swallowed my food and whispered, "Oh relax, Andrew. It's not like they're gonna vomit." But right after I said that, I noticed that Big Mac and Granny Smith looked like they were about to do just that.
Anyway, Apple Bloom then said to me, "Hey Jeffrie, what's Star Wars?" she asked me that because I had on a red t-shirt that said Star Wars on it.
I turned to her and said, "Star Wars is a movie."
"What's a movie?"
"A movie is something like television, but without commercials."
"What's television?"
"Television is a little box with moving pictures in them."
"And what exactly do ya do with it?"
"Nothing, you just stare at it."
"And why would ya do that?"
"Because it's what we do whenever we get bored."
After I'd finally finished explaining our way of life to Apple Bloom, Applejack decided to point out, "Hey Jeffrie, I noticed that ya haven't been drinkin' yer milk."
She was right of course; I hadn't been taking a single sip of the milk--because I just don't like drinking that stuff. I then told her, "Oh yeah, I just don't drink milk that much."
"Why?" Applejack inquired. "Are ya lactose intolerant?"
"No, I just don't like drinking milk."
"Then what do ya usually drink?"
"Mostly I just drink soda."
"What kind?"
"Coke."
"What's that?"
"It's a soda that's in a red can with white letters on it."
"Ya mean Colt?"
"Is that what you ponies call it?"
"Yep; in fact, I think we might have some. Big Mac, see if ya can find one in the fridge."
Big Mac then got out of his chair and went looking through the fridge. He then came back with a soda can in his hoof--how he's able to do that without any fingers I have no idea. "So you do have Coke," I said.
Then Applejack said, "It's called Colt."
"Well where we come from, it's called Coke." I then took the can from Big Mac, and I started to take a big gulp out of it. I wanted to let out a big burp, but I wanted to show them how well-mannered I am, so I just held it in.
I was in the bathroom by the time we were about to call it a day and get some sleep. Since Applejack and her family didn't exactly have any guest beds for us, I was going to be sleeping on a couch, while Andrew would sleep on a chair, and Jonathan would have to make do with the rug on the floor. While I was still in the bathroom, Jonathan had already wrapped himself like a mummy with that rug he was having to sleep on while Andrew was slouching on the chair, sketching some more pictures of his lizards. Right when he was in the middle of drawing a curved line, his hand suddenly jittered the moment he heard a certain filly's voice ring in his ear.
"What'cha doin?"
Apple Bloom stood by Andrew's left side as she was leaning beside him to get a good look at his sketching's. Andrew let out a mental groan as he gazed upon the black scribble that covered one of the faces of his lizard's, but he calmly erased it while speaking to the curious filly. "If you must know, I was just drawing this little comic about anthropomorphic frogs."
When Apple Bloom finally got herself a good eye-full of these so called "frogs", she pretty much had the same reaction that I did when I first saw them. "Ya sure those aren't lizards?"
If Andrew hadn't been so tired, he probably would've snapped that pencil in his grip by now. Nonetheless, he still managed to calm himself a little and said, "I assure you that these are not lizards; so it's best just to leave it at that."
"Do ya draw anythin' else?"
It's a very rare occurrence that Andrew discovers someone who's even the slightest bit interested in his art. Putting his pencil away, Andrew started to show her pages of realistic portraits of us three, anime versions of us, that pig from The Hobbit movies, a goblin that he drew after watching The Princess and The Goblin with me one time, and a drawing of him as a cat mutant.
After seeing all of that, Apple Bloom was more than impressed. "Wow Andrew, I didn't think you'd be this talented."
Andrew felt a blush coming on from this praise. "I wouldn't call myself talented; I'm more of an amateur at best."
"Don't be beatin' yerself up now, I really think you're really good. Maybe you could draw ponies as a livin'."
"Apple Bloom," Applejack chided her, "don't be botherin' our guest now. It's already past yer bedtime anyway, now go on."
Apple Bloom reluctantly decided to start walking to her room, only to end up accidently stepping on Jonathan's hand. After blurting out a "Sorry!", she bolted up the stairs and left him to growl in pain. With that out of the way, Applejack turned to Andrew.
"Sorry if my lil sis was buggin' ya," she apologized.
"Oh no, I didn't mind her," Andrew told her. "She's actually quite a little sweetheart."
Applejack let out a giggle before saying, "You just might be the first boy I know ta ever describe my sister as a 'sweetheart'; most of 'em usually can't stand bein' around kids her age."
"Well I'm not like most of them; I love kids."
Andrew waited for Applejack to say something back--hoping that what he just said didn't make him sound like a complete pedophile. Instead, he probably got one of the best complements he was ever bound to receive. "Ya know, between you and yer friends, I think you're the sweetest. Good night."
Andrew only had a dumb grin on his face as he was watching her go up the stairs. When I finally got out of that bathroom, I sat my ass on the couch and stretched as I said, "Having a little chat with the cowgirl I presume?"
"Oh yeah, she was just saying good night," Andrew got out of his daze. Right when I was about to sleep, Andrew suddenly said, "Hey Jeffrie, I've been thinking."
"About what?" I asked.
Then he told me, "Well, if we're men now, then shouldn't we think about getting girlfriends?"
"Andrew, we're in a world ruled by talking ponies," I reminded him. "How the Hell could we ever get girlfriends in a world like this?"
"Well, that's what I've been thinking about; I figured since we're in a new world, then shouldn't we just...you know."
It took me awhile, but when I finally realized what he had in mind, I was like, "Oh Hell no, I know that you're not suggesting that we mate with a bunch of ponies!"
"Why not, most of them are girls anyway, and we don't want to be virgins for the rest of our lives."
"Yeah, but just imagine what the kids will look like. I mean, could you literally just imagine how freaking weird they will be? I'm telling you, it won't be pretty! What you're suggesting is more disturbing than Frankenstein's Monster and Gollum having a baby together. And besides, do you even have a certain pony in mind?"
Andrew rubbed the back of his head a little as he confessed, "Yeah, I actually do."
"Well, who is it?" I asked.
And to my surprise, he said, "Applejack." So that pretty much explains why he was blushing and complementing her: because he has a crush on her!
Anyway, I was then like, "Applejack, why her?!"
"I don't know," said Andrew, "I guess it's mostly her caring nature, and her strong spirit; especially the way she kicks--it's kinda hot, actually."
"So basically you want her to kick you?"
"No, no, it's not like that."
"So is it her kicks that turn you on, or is it just her accent?"
"Well, now that I'm really thinking about, I've always wanted to date a farm girl, so this might be my only chance."
"And that's assuming that she's even interested in you."
"Hey, you just wait and see. One of these days, we'll be together."
"Sure you will," I was saying that sarcastically. I turned to Jonathan and said, "Can you believe this? He wants to start a relationship with a pony. Well at least you and I aren't crazy enough to think of doing something as fucked-up as that."
"Actually," Jonathan admitted, "I kinda have a crush on a certain pony as well."
I was like, "You too?!"
"Yeah."
I then let out an annoyed sigh and said, "Who is it?"
And then he said, "Twilight Sparkle." And that explains why he was staring at Twilight while she was leaving, because he had a crush on her! So yeah, as you can see, Jonathan has a thing for smart girls, and Andrew has a thing for country girls.
"So you do have a crush on her!" Andrew declared triumphantly.
"Yeah, yeah, I know I said I didn't yesterday," Jonathan admitted, "but that was only because I wasn't too sure at first. After this morning, I was beginning to think that maybe she might be the one to help me forget about how miserable everything is; that, and her voice is kinda sexy. I mean, doesn't it sound like the kind of voice you'd hear on a sex hotline?"
Not wanting to have more disturbing images like that in my dreams, I said to the both of them, "Come on guys, talk sense for Christ's sake! You can't mate with an animal; that's bestiality!"
"Let's not think of it as bestiality," Andrew objected, "let's instead think of it as...xenophilia?"
"Andrew, you can call it any fancy name you want," I told him. "It's still bestiality. I haven't been reading the bible lately, but I'm pretty sure that bestiality is a sin. Hell, I suppose one of you will probably tell me that you'll want to kiss a hedgehog as well."
"Whatever," cried Jonathan, "Love is love!"
"Well if you two want to spend the rest of your lives having pineapples shoved up your asses, then by all means be my guest! But leave me out of it, because unlike you two sickos, I intend on dying as a good Christian!"
After that conversation, we all went to sleep. While my two sicko friends were probably focusing on pony pussy, I was just focusing on our next visit for tomorrow--while also trying to keep any thoughts of Twilight talking dirty on phone out of my head.
The next day, I woke up as I heard the rooster crowing. I looked at Jonathan--who was still wrapped up like a mummy--and then I looked at Andrew. And believe it or not, he was sucking his thumb! I thought that was freaking hilarious, so I woke up Jonathan from his bestiality wet dream, and then we both took pictures of Andrew sucking his thumb. But as we were just taking pictures, a brown dog suddenly came into the house, jumped onto the couch, and started to lick my face. Applejack came down the stairs and said, "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot ta introduce y'all ta my pet. This here's my dog, Winona; and she just loves ta meet new people. Winona stop botherin' our guest."
I then said, "It's OK, I like dogs." Her dog must've understood what I said, because right when I've said that she started to lick me even more.
"That's funny," observed Applejack, "she seems ta like you more than yer friends."
"Well, I'm just good with animals," I stated.
"Then you should love ta spend a day with my friend, Fluttershy," said Applejack, "she's just as good with animals as you are."
"Is that who we're going to be living with next?" asked Jonathan.
"Oh no, y'all goin' ta be livin' with..." she then stopped mid-sentence when she finally noticed Andrew sucking his thumb. "What in tarnation is he doin'?"
I then said to her, "Oh, he's just sleeping like a baby."
And Jonathan added, "Get it? Because he's sucking his thumb."
As me and Jonathan were laughing our asses off, Apple Bloom had come trotting down the stairs and said, "Why's everypony laughin'?" when she finally saw Andrew sucking on his thumb, she joined in the laughter as well. She then called out, "Big Mac! Granny Smith! Come down here!"
As they were coming down the stairs, Granny Smith was like, "Dagnabbit, Apple Bloom, what did I tell you about wakin' us...?!" when she and Big Mac saw Andrew sucking his thumb, they immediately forgot about Apple Bloom waking them up and focused all their attention on Andrew. Granny Smith then said, "Is that boy suckin' his...?"
"E'yup," Big Mac answered.
We all stood in silence for a while, until Applejack said, "Ya know, now that I look at it, it's actually kinda cute."
Jonathan then said, "If by 'cute' you mean 'freaking hilarious' then yes."
Not being able to contain it any longer, we all started to laugh--except for Applejack, who was trying her best not to laugh as well. But then all that laughter had finally woken up Andrew. As he woke up, he said to us, "Why are you all laughing?"
I was like, "Oh, um...well, let's just say that we have seen the funniest thing in our lives."
Then Apple Bloom blurted out, "And it has nothin' ta do with you suckin' yer thumb."
Applejack laughed nervously and said, "Apple Bloom, go ta school."
"But it's a weekend."
"Then just be quiet."
Andrew just stood there for a while until he said, "Is there a bathroom I can use?"
And then Applejack said, "Sure there is, sugarcube; right this way."
While Andrew was taking a leak, Apple Bloom chuckled a bit and said to me and Jonathan, "Ya know, I know that it's only been a day, but I sure do hope that you fellers stay."
Jonathan looked down at her and said, "Kid, I'd lower my expectations if I were you."
Then when Jonathan had gone off to get our stuff ready, I had a little private conversation with Big Mac. "Hey, Big Mac, you're very protective of your sister, right?"
"E'yup."
"Well I was just wondering, but let's say that there's a guy in Ponyville who's thinking about making a move on your sister. Now would you be OK with that?"
"Nope."
"And why's that?"
"Because if somepony ever tried ta lay a hoof on my sister, I'll stomp on every part of his body, shove him into a barrel, and throw him into the Everfree Forest!"
Wow, I thought to myself, he really can say more than one word! Anyway, after we had finally gotten our stuff together, I said to Andrew, "Hey Andrew, you remember last night when you told me that you wanted to start a relationship with Applejack?"
"Yes."
"Well I just asked Big Mac what he'll do if he found out if somebody was planning on making a move on his sister--and don't worry, I didn't use your name."
"What did he say?"
"Not much, just that he'll stomp on every part of your body and shove you into a barrel."
Andrew's mouth stood open as he looked at me with a shocked expression on his face. "So yeah," I said to him, "I would avoid confessing my feelings whenever he's around if I were you."
As Andrew just stood there, with that same shocked expression, Jonathan asked, "So who are we living with next?"
"I don't know," I said, "I just hope that it's not that blue pony."
But unfortunately for us--though mostly me--it was her. Out of the blue sky came the blue pony known as Rainbow Dash. Oh God, not her! I thought to myself. While she was having some sort of private conversation with Applejack, I noticed that the door to Applejack's house was left open. After shutting it, I went back to the guys and was immediately confronting the blue menace herself.
"So you three are going to be crashing at my place today, huh?" she said to us with a smirk.
"I'm afraid so," I said.
"Well what're you three waiting for?" said Rainbow Dash. "Let's get a move on!"
As we started to walk, Rainbow Dash had suddenly stopped us and said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you guys doing?"
I then said to her, "Well obviously we're walking. You know, the opposite of flying." (That last bit I said was in reference to the fact that Rainbow Dash has been using her wings to float off the ground without even letting her hooves touch it once.)
"No, no, no, that'll take way too long to get to my place." Said Rainbow Dash. "We can get there quicker if you three ride on me."
Like I would ever want to ride on a talking pony. I then told her, "Oh no, we're not riding on you. We got legs, we don't need some winged horse to be transporting us around. Besides, we're probably too heavy for a delicate girl like you to carry."
She must've taken it as a challenge, because as we were walking away, Rainbow Dash said to herself, "Nopony calls me 'delicate'!" then next thing you know, me and the guys have found ourselves being suddenly lifted up to the air!
As we were in the air, I heard Rainbow Dash say, "'Too heavy', huh?"
Andrew then said to me, "I guess she told you."
To this I said, "Shut up."
While we were on Rainbow Dash's back, me and the guys got to see Ponyville from a totally different perspective. "Couldn't get a view like this when you were with Twilight and Applejack, huh?"
"No," Jonathan said with a sense of awe in his voice, "we definitely never did anything like this before. But then again, we never rode on a flying horse before."
"I believe the term you're looking for is pegasus," Rainbow Dash corrected him.
"Great, first I got corrected by a dragon, and now I'm getting corrected by a pegasus as well," Jonathan quipped under his breath.
Andrew then said, "So... you're Rainbow Dash, right?"
"The one and only," said Rainbow Dash, "I'm also known as the fastest thing with wings."
"Really," I said, "then why are you flying so slowly?"
Rainbow Dash then gave me a very stern look and said, "What did you say?!"
Then I told her, "Well, you claim to be the 'fastest thing with wings', but if you ask me, I'd say that you're just being full of yourself."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that you're nothing but a slowpoke!"
Her stern look then quickly turned to an expression that was a mixture of shock and anger, while the guys both had expressions that look as if they'd pissed themselves. Rainbow Dash then turned her head away, and I coulda sworn that I heard her teeth grinding. Jonathan then said to me, "Jeffrie, for God's sake, don't piss her off!"
And then I said to him, "Oh don't get your panties in a wad. I mean what's this turtle with wings gonna do? Go ludicrous speed?" when I called her a "turtle with wings" her face began to turn red from the strong rage that she was having towards me. But what really ticked her off was when I told her, "Oh my God, can't you go any faster?"
When she heard me say that she was so pissed that she literally started to shoot steam out of her ears! She then looked at me and said, "Oh you want me to go faster? I'll show you faster!"
Jonathan then cried, "Wait, he didn't mean it!" but next thing you know, Rainbow Dash had gone ludicrous speed--we've gone to plaid! While she was going ludicrous speed, I had to grab her mane so I wouldn't fall off, and Jonathan was having to grab me so he wouldn't fall off, and Andrew tried to grab Jonathan, but he wasn't quick enough; luckily he grabbed onto Rainbow Dashs' tail, or he would've plummeted to his death.
While he was grabbing onto her tail, Andrew noticed that she was about to ram into a tree. This made him cry out, "Rainbow Dash, look out!" but she was able to avoid it in time before she could crash and burn.
After hours of her doing loop de loops and spins, Jonathan cried, "Stop this crazy thing!"
I then said to Rainbow Dash, "Rainbow Dash, slow down!"
Then she said very smugly, "Slow down? I thought you wanted me to go faster?"
"I change my mind, slow down! For Gods' sake, Rainbow Dash, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!"
Rainbow Dash then landed on the ground and threw us off her back. As Andrew was being thrown into the air, he made that neighing sound that Norbert makes whenever Dagget bops him, and then he found himself ramming into a tree. Then as the tree was being pulled back, instead of it slingshotting him into the air, it just slammed him face first to the ground! When this happened, Jonathan was like, "Ooh, that's gotta hurt!"
Rainbow Dash then flew up to my face and said, "Don't you ever, ever, call me a slowpoke again!"
As she was flying away, I started to mock her behind her back, "'Don't ever call me a slowpoke again!', I'll call you whatever I want."
"I heard that!" cried Rainbow Dash.
"Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?!" I retorted.
She then flew back towards us again and said, "You want me to take you boys for another spin?"
Jonathan and Andrew both covered my mouth as they said, "No, no, we're good!"
"That's what I thought."
When she was gone, the guys took their hands off of my mouth, and then Andrew said, "Jeffrie, for once don't be a smart ass!"
And then Jonathan added, "In fact, Jeffrie, just shut the fuck up! It's bad enough that you pissed the princess off, but it's only going to get worse if you piss the other ponies off!"
I then said to the both of them, "First of all, I can take that princess bitch anywhere, anytime. And second of all, don't ever tell me what to do!"
...
As we continued to walk, she said that we were at her place; but all I saw was technicolor landscapes. "OK, so where's your place?" I asked.
Then she said, "It's up there!"
We looked up and realized that her place is just a cloud. Andrew was like, "You live in a cloud?"
Then Rainbow Dash said, "Well duh! Where else is a pegasus supposed to live?"
"Ooh, a cloud house," I said, "great, now all we need is a magic ladder."
"You don't need a ladder," Rainbow Dash assured us, "I am your ladder!" then next thing you know, she started to carry us--this time not on her back, but with her hooves! When we were being carried, Andrew was in the back, Jonathan was in the middle, and I was in the front. When we were on top of Rainbow Dash's cloud house, I was about to take my first step on it. But then Rainbow Dash said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
I stopped and said, "Oh, and why not?"
"Because while you're on my house, you'll need me to carry you."
"Oh no, I don't need you to carry me; I can take good care of myselllll...!" right when I stepped foot on the cloud house, I suddenly fell through and was falling to my death! While my eyes were closed, I could hear myself screaming, "Oh my God, Oh my God! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!" but when I opened my eyes, I notice that I was just floating in the air. I then realized that it was because Rainbow Dash had caught me in time. Wow, I thought to myself, she wasn't lying when she said that she's 'the fastest thing with wings'.
Rainbow Dash was now carrying me with her hooves again--only this time, I was now behind her, Jonathan was in front, and Andrew was in the middle. Like Applejack and Twilight, the door to her house was small--but when we were having to walk through it, instead of banging our heads, the door just kinda crumbled a bit and somehow fixed itself. Anyway, as we were being led into her house, she said, "I tried to tell you that only pegasi can walk on clouds."
Andrew was then like, "Don't you mean 'pegasus'?"
"No," said Rainbow Dash, "when you're referring to more than one pegasus, the plural term is pegasi."
"Great," I said under my breath, "just what we need; grammar lessons from a talking jackass."
"What was that?" asked Rainbow Dash.
I then shouted back to her, "I SAID, 'GREAT, JUST WHAT WE NEED; GRAMMAR LESSONS FROM A TALKING JACKASS!"
Rainbow Dash's ears were probably ringing by now. "OK, forget that I asked."
Anyway, she then started to give us a tour of her cloud house, which started with the living room and ended with her room. When we were in her room, Andrew noticed a poster that had these pegasi with blue jumpsuits on, and there was a big text that says: THE WONDERBOLTS! Andrew then said, "Hey Rainbow Dash, what's the Wonderbolts?"
Rainbow Dash was then like, "The Wonderbolts are only the most fastest, coolest, and bestest flyers in all of Equestria! And they'll become 20% more cooler when I join them!"
"Then why don't you just become one?" asked Jonathan.
"They don't just let anypony be a Wonderbolt," said Rainbow Dash, "you have to be accepted into the Wonderbolt Academy, and that's only if they think that you're Wonderbolt material."
"How do you know they even want to have you?" I said.
Rainbow Dash then looked me straight in the eye and said, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Jonathan was whispering, "Jeffrie, don't you dare say it!"
And then I said, "It means that they probably think that you're way out of their league; like you're just nothing but a pathetic little wannabe who'll never have what it takes to be one of them."
Rainbow Dash was silent for a while. Then she said, "You know, what you just said, makes me want to drop you right now. But I gotta admit, you've got some pretty big guts. I definitely can't say the same for your two friends."
Andrew and Jonathan were both like, "What?!"
Then I told them, "Oh shut up, you two chose to be spineless pansies."
Rainbow Dash then said, "No wonder you're the leader."
...
As the hours went by, it was now nighttime, and boy was sleeping going to be weird for tonight. Before we all slept, I tried to change my current position while not making Rainbow Dash lose her grip. "What are you doing?" asked Rainbow Dash.
I then told her, "Turning my back from Andrew; because if I were to sleep while facing him, I might do something weird. So I'm sleeping the other way."
When I finally changed my position, both mine and Rainbow Dash's noses were being smushed together. She then said, "OK, have it your way." And with that said, we all went to sleep.
I tried my best to have a good night's sleep, but it was hard when you have to sleep next to someone whose snores sound like a horse neighing! But despite that, I was still able to at least have a dream during the night. While I was dreaming, I was relaxing on some beach, then next thing you know this really hot woman with big tits comes out of nowhere and starts making out with me. Now this might sound great at first, but when I woke up, it turned out that I was actually making out with Rainbow Dash!
It took me awhile to realize this, but when I did, I ended up screaming the same way that Macurly Culkin did in Home Alone. When Rainbow Dash heard my scream, she suddenly woke up and accidently let me and the guys go in the process!
As we were falling to our deaths, Rainbow Dash had quickly caught us before our bodies went SPLAT! "Man, you guys sure do love falling in the air, don'tcha?"
I then said to her, "Put me down right now!"
When she placed us on the ground, I quickly ran straight to a nearby lake and tried to get the taste of pony lips out of my mouth! Andrew walked up to me and said, "What the Hell just happened?"
I then told him, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened; I just got a freaking tongue bath from a freaking pony! That's what happened!"
As I went back to washing my mouth, the guys were just standing there in a confused state. As for Rainbow Dash, she just said, "Gee, you act as if you've never kissed a pony before."
I then looked at her and said, "Gee, ya think so?!"
"Wait, wait, wait," said Jonathan, "let me get this straight; you kissed her?"
Andrew then said rather smugly (even for him), "You know, Jeffrie, none of this would've happened if you had just slept in front of me."
"Andrew," I responded, "if I had slept in front of you, I would've given you a hickey ten times worse than what you gave Jonathan."
Jonathan's eyes almost popped out of his socket once he heard this. "Say that again?"
Then I told him, "Yeah you might want to look at a mirror or something, because Andrew left you a little something on your neck."
Pushing me aside, Jonathan looked at his reflection on the lake, and he was shocked to see that on his neck stood a big red hickey! When Jonathan saw the hickey, he started to scream the way Linguini did in Ratatouille when he realized that Remy was biting his chest. He then said to Andrew, "What the fuck, man?! What the fucking fuck?!"
Andrew raised his hands up as he said, "Hey I'm sorry man, I just can't seem to control myself whenever I'm sleeping."
"First you snuggle me, and now you're giving me hickeys! Do I look like Applejack to you?!"
"What does Applejack have to do with this?" asked Rainbow Dash.
I then blurted out, "It's because Andrew has a crush on her, and was probably fantasizing about her while he was asleep."
"Jeffrie!" cried Andrew as his cheeks turned red.
"Don't get pissed with me," I said, "you're the one who told me that you got a kick out of seeing her kick apple trees."
Next thing you know Rainbow Dash falls flat on her back and starts laughing. She said to Andrew, "You have a crush on Applejack?!"
"So I got a thing for country girls. So what?" Andrew defended himself.
Rainbow Dash started to calm down a bit, and then she said to Jonathan, "So who do you have a crush on?"
Jonathan was then like, "Uh...no one. I got a crush on nobody."
"It's Twilight." I blurted out.
"Dammit Jeffrie!" cried Jonathan.
"Hey," I said, "if you didn't want anybody to know that you got a pony fetish, then you never should've told me in the first place."
Rainbow Dash started to laugh some more; but when she started to control her laughter, she said to the guys, "So let me get this straight; you have a crush on Applejack, and you have a crush on Twilight." She then looked at me and said, "So does this mean that you have a crush on me?"
"Hell no!" I yelled. "I'm not like these two Sickos!"
"Oh really," said Jonathan, "then why did you kiss her?"
I then said to him, "Me kissing her was completely unintentional and you know it! I don't even like the taste of hay and oats, but now I'm gonna be tasting it for about a week; and it's all because a certain pony couldn't keep her stinkin' lips away from me!"
"Oh yeah," Rainbow Dash said in a more than skeptical tone, "well if you didn't want to kiss me so badly, then why did you want to sleep in front of me?"
"Well obviously if I didn't sleep in front of you, I would've given Andrew a hickey."
"I don't think that's the real reason. I think it's because you were just dying to steal a kiss from me ever since you first laid eyes on me at the hospital."
"How could I be in love with you if I was constantly insulting you yesterday?"
"Maybe you weren't saying all that mean stuff out of hate; maybe it was because you like me, but don't want to admit it."
"Why would I ever want to be mean to someone that I like? That makes no sense."
"Neither is you wanting to kiss me." She then flew up into the air and said to all of us, "Now if you three think that I'm gonna tell everypony about your secret crushes, I can assure each and every one of you that I won't." She then flew up to my face and said, "I especially wouldn't want anypony to know about your secret crush towards me." She then began to smooch her lips in front of me.
But I then grabbed them and said, "If you ever tell anyone about this, I will rip your fucking wings off!" I then released her pony lips from my grasp.
As she was flying away, I could hear her say, "Somepony woke up on the wrong side of the cloud bed."
"'Somebody'!" I corrected her. "The word that you're saying is pronounced 'somebody'!"
I then heard her crying back, "Don't care!" and then me and the guys just quietly followed her to the next place. As we were following Rainbow Dash, Jonathan asked her, "So who are we living with next?"
Then Rainbow Dash told him, "The pony you three are going to be living with today is Rarity; she's the fashion designer around here."
"Is she the one who Spike has a crush on?" asked Andrew.
"Yeah," said Rainbow Dash, "but how did you know that?"
"Because he told us, of course," said Andrew.
Anyway, as we kept on walking along, Rainbow Dash suddenly cried, "There it is, boys: Carousel Boutique." And then she pointed to--what I'm assuming is--Rarity's place. And what do ya know, her door is small too! And let me tell you something, it's starting to become a little annoying. Every time me and the guys are having to bend our backs just to get in their houses is literally like a game of limbo. Anyway, when we've entered into this building, we saw shit loads of dresses everywhere, and then we saw Rarity coming down the stairs and she said, "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique." As we were all able to finally get a good look at her again, we finally realized why Spike would have a crush on her. She pretty much had all the things that most attractive girls have: long hair, blue eyes, long girly eye lashes. I bet that every guy pony who lays eyes on her would either do a wolf whistle, start panting like a dog, or hit themselves in the head with a mallet so that their eyeballs would pop out in a cartoonish manner.
Anyway, Rarity then said to Rainbow Dash, "Oh Rainbow Dash, darling. What brings you here today?"
"Not much," replied Rainbow Dash, "just came to drop these three off."
"Good heavens," exclaimed Rarity, "is it my turn, already?!"
"I'm afraid so," said Rainbow Dash. "Oh, and FYI, whenever Jeffrie does or says anything that's really mean, that's just his way of saying that he likes you."
"No," I shouted, "if I'm saying or doing anything to you that's mean, that means I hate you!"
"I think he's serious, Rainbow Dash," said Rarity.
"Nah," Rainbow Dash denied, "he just doesn't know that when he's saying 'hate', he's actually saying 'love'; I should know, because he's been doing and saying all sorts of mean things to me, yesterday. So that means he must really love me."
"Like Hell I do!"
"See, he just admitted that he loves me."
"No I didn't!"
I was becoming so pissed off that my face literally started to turn red from all the rage that I was having towards Rainbow Dash. When she noticed it however, she saw it as another opportunity to tease me some more. So she said to Rarity, "Aw look at that, he loves me so much that he's blushing whenever he sees me."
I then took all the rage within me and cried out, "YOU ARE PUSSY SCUM!"
Despite that, Rainbow Dash was still able to keep a calm and straight face. "Don't you just love a boy who lets you know how he really feels towards you? Well, I best be heading back to my place. See ya, Rarity!" as she was flying out of the building, she stopped behind me and whispered, "Bye lover boy." And then she flew away as fast as she could, before I could even get my hands on her wings!
As I was about to really let out my full rage, Rarity tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Pardon me, darling, forgive me for interrupting your tantrum, but are you by any chance going to be OK?"
"Does it look like I'm going to be OK?!" I cried. "God I can't stand that bitch! If I had to be anywhere near that bitch any longer, I would literally have to put a restraining order on myself just keep me from fucking destroying her!"
Rarity appeared to be shocked at first, but she was able to take a deep breath and say, "Believe me, darling, even I tend to find Rainbow Dash's company to be a bit aggravating from time to time. But let's look on the bright side; you no longer have to live with Rainbow Dash, and now you and your companions get to spend the day with me."
She then started to give us a tour of her place. As she was leading us upstairs, she said to us, "Now gentlemen, as you might've already notice, I am the fashion designer of Ponyville."
"I get it," I said, "you're a tailor."
"I'm not a tailor," Rarity insisted, "I'm a fashion designer."
"Exactly, a tailor."
Rarity looked at me with an annoyed look on her face and said, "Anyway, I hope that you three are finding your stay in Ponyville to be quite pleasant."
Pleasant! I thought to myself, somebody has a fancy vocabulary. Not only does she have a fancy vocabulary and accent, but now that I think about, she reminds me an awful lot of Scarlett from Gone With The Wind. In fact, I wonder what her reaction would be if I told her, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." You think she'll get the reference? Probably not.
Anyway, Rarity ended the tour when she showed us her room. "And last but not least, this is my room, which also happens to be the place where most of my creative masterpieces are made."
I then said, "If by 'masterpieces' you mean a bunch of old, torn dresses that need to be sewed, then yes."
Rarity then looked at me with that annoyed look again and said, "Now see here, I'll have you know that my job is far more important than you give it credit for. Furthermore..." she then stopped mid-sentence when she started to smell something. When she finally picked up the scent, she had the same look as anyone who's ever smelt a dirty diaper or dog crap for the first time. "Good heavens, what is that horrible smell?!"
Jonathan was like, "What smell?"
Then Rarity said, "The smell that's clearly coming from you three!"
I then said to her, "That, missy, is the stench of manhood."
"When was the last time you three had a bath?!"
"Well let's see," I gathered my thoughts, "we haven't really bathed since we got here, so my guess would be four to five days."
"Oh no," Rarity panicked, "this is not acceptable! You three need to take a bath, right now!"
"Why?" asked Andrew.
Then Rarity told him, "What do you mean 'why'? The three of you are filthy; and filthy boys should always clean themselves--especially when one is the presence of a lady."
"Oh yeah," I challenged her, "and what if we don't want to clean ourselves for your sake? What're you gonna do, then?"
"Jeffrie," said Rarity in restrained anger, "we can do this the easy way, or the hard way."
"Ooh, and just what do you plan on doing to me if I don't take a bath? Are you gonna knit me a sweater? Get it, because you're a tailor!" I then started to burst out laughing.
Rarity however finally unleashed all her anger as she said, "OH! IT! IS! ON!" next thing you know, her horn starts to glow light blue as she lifts me in the air with her unicorn magic! As I was being lifted through the power of unicorn magic, Rarity had dragged me into her bathroom, and she commenced to giving me a bath. And let me tell you something, she was not in any way gentle while she was cleaning me. Every inch of skin on my body felt sore from Rarity's rough scrubbing. She scrubbed me so hard that I'm surprised that my entire body wasn't flayed by the time it was over. And when she was finally finished, she literally just tossed me across the floor like I was a wet towel. As the guys were just standing there, staring at Rarity with their "shit my pants" expressions, Rarity said to them, "Now, must I give you two a bath as well?"
The guys both were both like, "Nope, we can bathe ourselves!"
"Good," Rarity chimed with satisfaction as she immediately turned back into her dignified lady demeanor--as if she her recent bitch breakdown had never even happen. As she was walking out the door, she turned and said, "After you finish disinfecting yourselves, be sure to come down for dinner."
"And... what'll happen if we don't come down for dinner?" Andrew dared to ask.
Then Rarity generously gave him a threating look and said, "You know what'll happen if you don't come down for dinner."
"All right," Andrew backed away with his hands raised, "we'll come down for dinner."
With that said, Rarity then went downstairs to prepare dinner for us. As the guys were about to take their baths, Jonathan looked down at me and said, "You just had to go with the hard way."
I looked up at him and said, "And you two just had to act like a bunch of pussies."
...
After we were finally "disinfected", we came down the stairs and saw Rarity setting up a table for tonight's dinner. "Ah good, you're just in time."
As me and the guys sat our asses down, this little white unicorn comes up and says, "Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle; I'm Rarity's sister. What's your names?" God, was she cute or what? You might not be around to hear her speak, but if you were, then you would've also agreed that's she's very adorable. She has her sister's white coat with a mane that looks like a mixture of light purple and pink. The moment I first heard the sound of her sweet little voice, my first thought was that this must've been Judith Barsi if she were reincarnated as a pony.
After me and the guys had introduced ourselves to that little bundle of cuteness, I noticed that a white cat was rubbing against me. I decided to pick up the cat and start petting it--since I just happen to like cats so much. When Rarity had come back with more food, she said, "Oh, I see that you've met my cat, Opalescence (of course, I sometimes just call her Opal for short) and my little sister."
As she placed the food on the table, and started to pour milk into our glasses, I asked, "Hey Rarity, do you have Coke?"
"Come again, darling?"
I then remembered to use their version of the word, "I was asking if you have any Colt."
"Oh of course, darling; I can understand if the food and drink that I offer is too fancy." She went to her fridge and got out a can of Colt; when she handed it to me, I immediately started to chug down on it. She looked at me with a disgusted expression and said, "You could at least take smaller sips."
I then swallowed the beverage and said, "Can't help it, it's so good."
Sweetie Belle then said to her sister, "I think I'd like some Colt as well."
But Rarity looked down at her and said flatly, "You're drinking your milk."
As we were eating our dinner, Andrew--from out of nowhere--had burped. Rarity looked at him and cried in a scolding voice, "Andrew!"
"What?"
"Say excuse me when you burp."
"OK, excuse me."
But as soon as he said that Jonathan had also burped. This resulted in Rarity saying, "Good Heavens, Jonathan, don't you know any manners?"
"So what?" Jonathan retorted. "It was just a burp!"
"You call that a burp?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's no burp." With that said, I took a big chug out of the Colt can and a few seconds later, I'd let out a burp so big, that it had messed up Rarity's hair! "That's a burp!" I proclaimed triumphantly.
Sweetie Belle had then let out a cute little burp that resulted in us all laughing--except for Rarity. She instead started to scold Sweetie Belle for doing what we were doing. "Sweetie Belle, you should know better than to behave in such an uncouth manner."
"But it was funny," said Sweetie Belle in her defense.
"No, Sweetie," Rarity lectured her, "burping is not funny; it is disgusting and rude."
"This, coming from the pony who forced me to take a bath?" I pointed out.
Rarity looked at me and said, "May I remind you that you were asking for it."
Just listening to that statement pretty much tells me that she's just begging for me to get on her nerves. So I asked her, "Hey Rarity, do you have any dipping sauce?"
"Of course, darling," said Rarity. She wasted no time in using her unicorn magic to levitate the bowl of dipping sauce over to me. "Do you always like to have sauce when you're eating?"
"Nope," I said in my Big Mac impersonation, "I just like to use it when I want to make a big mess." And with that said, I dipped my finger into the sauce and wiped it on the table.
This of course caused Rarity to freak out--as I've predicted--and wipe the stain off. "Don't ever wipe that stuff on the table!"
"OK," I said. I then dipped my finger into the sauce again, only this time I wiped it on the floor instead.
Rarity freaked out and wiped the stain off again. "I told you not to do that!"
"No," I corrected her, "you said not to wipe it on the table; I wiped it on the floor."
"Are you just flat out insane?!"
"Nope, I just have Asperger's Syndrome."
"And he's not just saying that just so he can manipulate you into treating him like he's special," Jonathan clarified like it was common knowledge, "he really does have it."
"Well I don't care what sort of mental disease you have," Rarity stated, "that's no excuse for you to be messy!" I then slowly dipped my finger into the sauce again. "Don't you dare do it again!" then as I slowly raised it up, she was like, "Jeffrie, I swear to Celestia if you wipe that dipping sauce anywhere in my kitchen again, I'm gonna..." and with a flick of my finger, I sent the sauce spiraling towards Rarity's forehead! First her eyes started to twitch, and then she let out a big girly scream and was saying stuff like, "Sweet Celestia, my beautiful face is covered in filth! SOAP! I need soap!"
Then as she went to wash her face, I had fell out of the chair as I laughed my ass off. When I got back on the chair, I said to Sweetie Belle, "Is your sister always this melodramatic?"
She looked at me and said, "You don't know the half of it."
When Rarity came back in, her face was dripping with water, and she was holding a bar of soap with her unicorn magic. I was then like, "Gees, Rarity, did you miss a spot?" my laughter however came to a short stop when she threw the bar of soap into my mouth! As I was spitting it out, I said, "What was that for?"
Then she said, "That was for flicking dipping sauce at my beautiful face! And unless you want me to shove that bar of soap down your vulgar throat, you better not do that again!"
Jonathan then whispered to me, "Must be her menstrual cycle." He and I chuckled, but Sweetie Belle overheard us and said, "Menstrual what?" I then said to her, "Don't worry, you'll know more about it when you're in high school." And with that said, we continued to finish this dinner.
A few more minutes later, we had all come to the point of being full. Sweetie Belle then said to Rarity, "Rarity, can I have a cookie?"
"Did you finish your vegetables?"
"Yes."
"Very well then...but just one!"
As Sweetie Belle hopped along to the counter, she then opened the cookie jar and she commenced to finding a cookie. As she was just digging through the jar, Rarity said, "Sweetie Belle, don't be sticking it in too deep!"
I then suddenly cried, "That's what she said!" and then me and the guys started to laugh our asses off once again!
Rarity then had a confused look on her face and said, "Yes, that is what I said."
I stopped laughing a bit and said, "No, no, it's something that you say when you hear someone say something that's sexual."
"What do you mean?" asked Rarity.
I then showed her an example, "That's a big one."
Then Jonathan cried, "That's what she said!" he laughed a bit and said, "That feels stiff."
Then Andrew cried, "That's what she said!" he also laughed a bit and said, "That went all the way in."
Then I cried, "That's what she said!" as we were laughing some more, Sweetie Belle got a cookie out of the jar and cried, "Yes, I finally got one!" and Rarity for no reason at all cries out, "That's what she said!"
Me and the guys just stopped laughing and just looked at her as if we were saying she suddenly grew a third eye on her forehead. Rarity was then like, "Why aren't you laughing?"
"Why should we be laughing?" said Jonathan.
"Because I said, 'that's what she said'."
"Just because you say it doesn't automatically make it funny," Andrew explained briefly.
"But I thought you were supposed to just say it whenever somepony says something."
"No, no, no," I said, "it has to be something sexual in order for the joke to work. Otherwise, what's the joke? I mean if we just say it when nothing sexual has been mentioned, then that'll just make us idiots saying nonsense."
When Sweetie Belle had finally eaten her cookie, she walked to the table but stopped when she noticed Jonathan's iPod peeking out of one of the many pockets of his vest. Sweetie Belle tried to grab it, but then Jonathan snatched it away from her and said, "Hey, keep your hooves off my iPod!"
Sweetie Belle then said, "Can I see it?"
Jonathan raised it in a position that she could see and said, "There, you're seeing it."
"Can I touch it?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
Sweetie Belle's eyes started to get bigger, and her lips formed a little pout as she said in a cutesy tone, "Pretty please with whip cream and a cherry on top?"
Jonathan was beginning to be overcome by her cuteness as he said, "No, you're not gonna touch it!"
Then Sweetie Belle's eyes got really big, the pout on her face started to get bigger, and she made a squee sound as she said, "Pleasie--squeezie--weezie--weeze?"
Jonathan couldn't take it anymore, so he gave her the iPod and said, "Fine, here just take it! Just please stop being so cute!"
Sweetie Belle's facial features quickly went back to normal the same way her big sister did a few hours ago (it must run in their family, I guess,). "Works every time." And then she got back on her seat.
Rarity then said, "You'll have to excuse my sister; she tends to take her cuteness a tad too far."
"What? I can't help being born cute," said Sweetie Belle. As she was tinkering with Jonathan's iPod, she then said, "So what does this rectangle do anyway?"
Jonathan was then like, "Really?! You tormented me with your cuteness and yet you don't even know how it works?!"
"Does it even do anything?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Yes," said Jonathan, "as a matter of fact, it plays music."
"Really, how?"
"I'll show you." He then took the iPod and he started to play "Super Freak". Sweetie Belle was enjoying the song, but Rarity however was being disgusted by it. She was then like, "Turn that ear-bleeding atrocity off this instant!"
Jonathan turned it off and was like, "What's your problem? It's only Rick James."
To this Rarity said, "I don't care if that sick abomination of garbage is considered a masterpiece where you come from, I shall have none of it in my home. Come Sweetie Belle, I believe it's way past your bedtime." As she took her little sister up the stairs, she said to us, "Goodnight, gentlemen. I shall escort you to Fluttershy's cottage in the morning."
She didn't have any guest rooms or guest beds to offer, so she just laid a bunch of sleeping bags all over the place for us to sleep in. That night, as Andrew was just snoozing away, Jonathan and I were not yet tired, so we decided to kill time by chatting.
"I can't believe you let a seven-year-old get the better of you." I said.
"Oh shut up," said Jonathan defensively, "even you wouldn't have been able to resist something that cute. Hell, I don't even think I could even sleep tonight."
"Don't be such a drama king," I told him. "She's just a little girl for Christ's sake."
"No, no little girl can be that devilishly cute," Jonathan declared. "In fact, I think she might even be the anti-Christ."
If not for the sake of not waking up Andrew, Rarity, or Sweetie Belle, I would not have hesitated to let this boutique echo with the sound of my laughter. "I seriously doubt that Satan would a cute little thing like her to be the anti-Christ; even if she were, I'm more than certain that the devil would probably disown her."
"All I know is that I'm never gonna be getting that image of her out of my head anytime soon."
As I was just looking at all the dresses in the room, an idea that could possibly get his mind off of Sweetie Belle had suddenly popped into my head. I whispered to Jonathan, "Hey Jonathan, you want to pull a prank on Andrew?"
"Sure, why not? It's not like I can sleep when I want to."
After I'd finished explaining the prank to him, we each got up and gathered all the necessary supplies that we were going to need for what might be the greatest prank in the history of pranks.
The next morning, me and Jonathan were giggling as we watched what we did to Andrew last night. Sweetie Belle must've heard us, because next thing you know she comes down the stairs and lets out a very cute yawn. "Hey Sweetie Belle," I said, "you sleep good?"
"Yeah," she says groggily as she rubs some of the sleep off her eyes, "what're you guys doing?"
"You want to see something funny?" I asked her. "Then look at what we did to Andrew."
When she looked at him, she was like, "Is he...?"
Then Jonathan said, "Uh-huh." Then next thing you know, we were all bursting out in laughter. All of that laughing had resulted in Andrew waking up; he stretched as he let out a big yawn and said, "Morning guys, Sweetie Belle. That's funny; why do I feel so comfortable?"
Jonathan snickered as he said, "Look at the mirror and you'll see why."
Andrew looked at the mirror and he let out a big girly shriek as he saw himself wearing a pink dress! But it wasn't just a dress that he was wearing; he was also wearing a yellow sun hat with a pink flower on top and he had on those long white gloves that fancy women like to wear. And in addition to all of this, we also put some jewelry and make-up on him. As me and Jonathan just kept on laughing, Andrew looked at us and said, "I'm gonna kill you!" with that said he began to chase me and Jonathan all over the place, crying, "Wait 'til I get my hands on you!" Sweetie Belle then joined in the chase as well--because she must've thought that we were playing a game or something. As we were being chased by Andrew, we were knocking a bunch of stuff over and making a big mess! All that's left now is for some Benny Hill music to play in the background. But before we could even get as far as to have Benny Hill music, the chase was suddenly brought to an end when somebody cried, "STOP!"
We turned around and realized that it was only Rarity--and boy did she have serious bedhead or what?! "I could hear all this pandemonium all the way to my room! Do you have any idea what beauty sleep is?!"
"Nope," I said in my Big Mac impersonation, "but you definitely seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed."
Rarity however was too busy overreacting over the big mess we've made to even give me another one of her annoyed looks as a response to my witty remark. "Sweet Celestia, what have you done to my store?!"
To this I said, "Well you know what they say, 'boys will be boys'." I then let out a nervous laugh as Rarity slowly turned and gave me what might be the creepiest angry expression anyone could make.
"After all these years that I've ever spent in Ponyville," said Rarity, "I have never in my life met anyone as messy and inconsiderate as you three!" she aimed her gaze at me. "First your bad hygiene, then your disgusting table manners, and now you wreck my store! You have got to be the absolute, most rudest and disgusting person I've ever seen in my entire life!" then she turned to Jonathan. "And you're no better than he is; what with your uncouth behavior and your absolute horrid taste in music!"
"Hey, leave Rick James out of this," Jonathan shot back.
"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M SPEAKING!" Rarity hissed from the top of her lungs--if she even has any after that outburst. This of course resulted in Jonathan whimpering like a little girl, and me doing that annoyed sigh that Peter Griffin does whenever Buzz Killington says something. "And as for you!" Rarity points to Andrew. You're probably expecting her to say that he's gross or something like that--believe me, we were expecting the same thing. But instead, she just stares at him for a while and says, "Pink is just not your color. Come darling, let's see if we can't find something that's more you."
She then took Andrew to some type of podium, then next thing you know, she makes Andrew wear all sorts of dresses! I sat next to Jonathan and Sweetie Belle--with Opal lying on my lap--as we watch Andrew putting on dress after dress after dress! When Rarity finally decided to let him wear some kind of red dress that you've probably seen in spy movies, we couldn't contain our laughter any longer. Jonathan was like, "Oh Andrew, red: definitely your color."
Rarity then said with pride, "Yes, as you can see, I do have an eye for these sorts of things; they don't call me the greatest fashion designer in Ponyville for nothing."
I then said to her, "You sure they don't just call you that because you're the only one they got?"
Rarity finally gave me another one of her annoyed looks as she said to Andrew, "I swear, how you're able to put up with the likes of him I may never know."
Andrew didn't say anything; he just stood there, glaring at me with anger in his eyes. I attempted to calm him down by saying, "Andrew, relax. It's not like anybody else is going to find out about this."
As soon as I said that however, Rainbow Dash comes bursting in and says, "Hey Rarity, do you have any...?" she stopped mid-sentence when she saw Andrew in the dress. She then fell flat on the floor in a raving state of laughter and was like, "Please tell me I'm seeing things! Please tell me that I'm not seeing Andrew in a dress!"
Jonathan then told her, "Nope, it's for real. Me and Jeffrie put it on him while he was sleeping."
Rainbow Dash then said, "Man, I seriously hope that you guys stay. I could always count on you three giving me a good laugh."
Rarity then said, "What is it that you came here for, might I ask?"
Then Rainbow Dash said, "Oh, I was wondering if you had any paint that I can borrow?"
"Of course, darling; just take as many pails that you need out of that closet over there."
Rainbow Dash then flew over to the closet and took as many pails of paint that she could carry. As she was about to fly out the door, she stopped in front of me, and she purposely blew a kiss at me just so she could piss me off. In return I flipped her the bird, but that didn't piss her off--and why would it piss her, she probably doesn't even know what it means. Instead, she just pinched my nose with her hoof, and she mouthed the words, "Love you too." And when she finally left the building, I mouthed the words, "Fuck you bitch!"
Sweetie Belle then said to Jonathan, "Why was Rainbow Dash doing that?"
Jonathan quickly darted his eyes away from the "anti-Christ" of cuteness and said, "Don't ask." He then asked Rarity, "So why did Rainbow Dash needed all that paint?"
Rarity just shrugged and said, "How would I know? After all, I'm only just a fashion designer."
"Don't you mean a tailor?" I reminded her.
Rarity then cried out, "Will you please stop calling me that?!"
And to this I said, "You do realize that I enjoy it when you react this way, right?"
Rarity just let out an annoyed grunt and continued playing dress-up with Andrew. When she was finally finished with putting the finishing touches on Andrew, she said, "There, darling, now don't you look fabulous?"
I then snickered as I said, "Yeah, he looks fabulous all right."
"Yeah," Jonathan snickered with me, "fabulously girly!" and then he and I burst out into more laughter.
But when I'd stopped laughing, I then said, "You know, now that I'm looking at him, he seems to be missing something."
"Really, like what?" asked Rarity.
"Well, not to be too nitpicky, but how 'bout we let him wear this diamond tiara on his head and let him hold a bouquet of roses. And for that matter, why not throw in a sash while we're at it." When I'd put the diamond tiara on his head, the bouquet of roses in his hands, and the sash that says: MISS PONYVILLE, I then said, "There, now you look just like a prom queen."
Me and Jonathan laughed a bit, and then he added, "Hey Andrew, would you like some glass slippers to go with that dress?" and then we started to get to a point where we would laugh until we pissed ourselves. In a rare case of anger, Andrew then shouts, "OK, you guys had your laugh! Now will you please take this shit off me before somebody else sees me?!"
I then tried to calm him down again, "Relax Andrew, it's not like it could get any worse." But right when I'd said that a whole bunch of photographers had come bursting in and started to take pictures of Andrew! The next thing I hear was Andrew shrieking like a girl again as he posed for his pictures.
...
As Rarity was finally escorting us to Fluttershy's place, Andrew was saying, "'It's not like it could get any worse!', 'it's not like it could get any worse!', you just had to say that!"
"Hey man," I said, "how was I to know that Rainbow Dash would come back with photographers?"
Then out of nowhere these two guy ponies--who had newspapers with Andrew's picture on the front cover--walk up to him and say, "Hey baby, you want to go out sometime tonight?"
Andrew then cried to them, "I'm a guy you jackasses!"
They were both like, "You're a guy?!" and then they began to feel like barfing, so they ran off and one of them dropped their newspaper. The newspaper--like I've mentioned before--had Andrew's picture on the front cover and in big, bold letters it said: MISS PONYVILLE FOUND IN CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE.
When the guy ponies were gone, Jonathan said to Andrew, "What do ya know, you've only been in a dress for a couple of minutes, and now you're finally getting admirers."
Andrew then looked at us with that angry glare of his and said, "I hate you guys."
Patting him on the shoulder, I said, "Come on, you don't really mean it."
"Oh yeah, I mean it all right."
Not wanting to risk our friendship to be one friend short, I continued to try calming him down. "Come on Andrew, it was just a harmless prank that went wrong."
"Harmless?! You call publicly humiliating me harmless?! You remember back on the cruise when Jonathan said about us never seeing each other again?"
"Yeah," said Jonathan.
"Well I take it all back," cried Andrew, "I wish I'd never got on that ship with you two assholes!"
"Hey," I told him with some held back frustration, "you don't mean that, Andrew. This kind of attitude I might expect from Jonathan, but not from you of all people."
"Tough shit!" Andrew spat back. "We've been here for about five days on this planet, and so far, I've been receiving nothing but abuse from both of you! You know, maybe I shouldn't have bothered carrying you and Jonathan over to that hospital; maybe I should've just left you two to fill up some buzzards' stomachs and receive all that medical care for myself! Sure, I might've been alone with absolutely no interaction with any other human being, but at least I wouldn't have to keep taking shit from a couple of assholes who I like to call my 'friends' for some fucking reason!"
Unable to restrain myself any further, I allowed my fist to give Andrew a jab strong enough to make him lightly stagger back and keep his mouth shut long enough to hear what I have to say. "Look Andrew, you might be ready to let our friendship be broken, but you're still my friend regardless of what you just said. Which is why I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest when I tell you this." Taking in a deep breath and wiping off a few loose tears on my cheek, I told him, "I. AM. SORRY. I don't know how many times I'll have to tell you this, but you know that I mean every single word of it. You're right; Jonathan and I definitely went too far with you. I'm not afraid to admit that I haven't been too much of a good friend to you these past few days, but I am afraid of not having you or Jonathan by my side while being stuck on this Godforsaken planet. I mean, who else am I to rely on if you or Jonathan decide to not have my back anymore? Most of the ponies we've met probably hate my guts to even fathom the thought of helping me out."
"Now hate is an awfully strong word, darling," Rarity voiced in.
"Stay out of it," Jonathan shushed the fashionista pony.
"The point is Andrew," I continued talking, "we need to stick together. We can't afford to just abandon each other when the rest of our friends and family are billion light years away from us. If you could somehow find it in yourself to give me a chance to make up any wrongs I've done to you, then maybe I can start being a better friend to you."
Tilting his head down, Andrew sniffled a little before saying, "I didn't mean all that stuff I said to you. I just got so angry, and I just needed to let it all out. I'm sorry if you truly thought that I didn't want to be your friend anymore."
"You don't have to apologize," I assured him. With that said, me and Andrew had hugged each other in an act of forgiveness--except for Jonathan. I said to him, "You too, Jonathan."
He then let out a groan and whined, "Fine. As long as you two stop your little soap opera act. (And you think I'm a drama king.)" And as we were embracing each other, we noticed that Rarity was crying. Jonathan was like, "Are you crying?"
Rarity wiped her eyes with a handkerchief and said, "Of course not, I just got something in my eye." She then put the handkerchief away and continued to lead us to Fluttershy's place. When we finally came to Fluttershy's place, we saw that it was a small cottage with a chicken coop and a whole lot of bird houses next to it...and a small door--I swear, these ponies really need to consider making bigger doors! "You three are just going to love living with Fluttershy," Rarity promised. "She's the nicest pony you're ever going to meet." She then knocked on the door. As we were waiting for Fluttershy to come out, Rarity said to us, "By the way 'gentlemen', I might've made it perfectly clear that I don't like you three, but I just want you three to know that my sister really hopes that you stay."
"She wants us to stay?" I said.
"Yes," said Rarity, "you might not believe it, but last night, as I was putting her to bed, she was just going on and on about how much she likes you three so much."
Andrew then said, "If she wanted us to stay so badly then why didn't she tell us herself?"
"Because she was too shy to tell you, darling," said Rarity. "Which is why she asked me to tell you for her."
"And what'll she do if we don't stay?" asked Jonathan hesitantly.
Rarity then gave him a stern look and said, "You know what she'll do if you don't stay." With that said, Jonathan began to cringe at the thought of Sweetie Belle tormenting him with her devilish cuteness again.
Anyway, as we were chatting along, the door slowly opened and then we saw Fluttershy peak her head out a bit, "Oh, hi Rarity."
Rarity turned around and said, "Hello Fluttershy, darling."
"Does Opal need to be groomed again?" asked Fluttershy.
"Oh no," said Rarity, "I've just came to drop these three 'gentlemen' off."
"Oh, is today my turn?"
"I'm afraid so, darling. But look on the bright side, at least you'll have some company." Rarity then said to us, "Well 'gentlemen', I believe this is where we say goodbye; so, au revoir."
With that said, me and the guys entered the cottage. When we've stepped inside the cottage, I tried to start a conversation with Fluttershy, "So... this is your home?"
She then timidly said, "Yes."
After a long, awkward silence, I then said, "Anyway, I'm Jeffrie, and these are my friends, Jonathan and Andrew."
"I know," said Fluttershy, "we've met at the hospital."
"Well I just wanted to remind you in case you forgot," I said.
"You can trust me to not forget," said Fluttershy.
After another long awkward silence, a bunch of these little animals started to swarm out of nowhere. Jonathan was like, "What is this, some kind of private zoo?"
Fluttershy giggled a bit before telling him, "Oh no, these are just my little animal friends."
"Your animal friends?" said Jonathan.
"Oh yes," said Fluttershy, "you see, sometimes I get very nervous around other ponies; so I mostly hang around with animals most of the time."
Nervous around other ponies, I thought to myself, I guess that explains why her name has the word "shy" in it. I then sat on a couch; and as I was relaxing, I've noticed a little white rabbit staring at me. "Who's this little guy?"
Fluttershy then said, "Oh, this is my pet rabbit, Angel."
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Angel's a boy."
I chuckled a bit and said, "I'm sorry, but did you just say that he's a boy?"
"Yes."
I then started to laugh my ass off and I said to the guys, "Hey guys, this rabbit's name is Angel, and it's a boy!"
They started to laugh as well and say stuff like, "Angel?! Are you serious, that's a girl's name!"
As we kept on laughing, Fluttershy then said, "OK, I'll just go in the kitchen and make all of you a snack."
While she was in the kitchen, I noticed that Angel was giving me a bad look. So I said to him, "Eh...what's up, doc?" but all Angel did was turn his back from me. I then said to the guys, "What's his problem?" the guys just shrugged. It's weird because normally the ponies' pets--like Winona and Opal--would like me, but this one seems to hate me. I then asked Angel, "What's the matter Roger, did Jessica play patty cake behind your back again?" instead of a laugh or a chuckle, I instead got his tongue sticking out and blowing raspberries at me. I was then like, "Why you furry little bastard; you asking me to eat you?!" he then looked at me with confusion in his eyes. I then told him, "That's right, we're meat eaters; and we just love to eat rabbits, don't we guys?"
Jonathan was like, "Oh yeah, they bring us good luck and good food to our stomachs."
And Andrew added, "And they make good stew too."
As Angel was beginning to become scared, I ended it by pointing at him, then my open mouth, and then I was rubbing my stomach and nodded my head. It was like I was telling him, "Oh yeah, I'll eat you." When Angel started to back away a bit, I then said, "That's right, you better be scared you little...oh my God!" I just slowly turned my head a little and then I found a bat on my shoulder! I then quickly grabbed the little blood sucker and threw it across the room.
As Fluttershy came in with the snacks that she made for us, she was like, "Oh my goodness, what happened?"
I then told her as I pointed at the little blood sucker, "There was a giant bat on my shoulder!"
Fluttershy then said, "Oh, that's just Batty; he was probably just saying hello."
"I hate bats, Fluttershy, I hate 'em!" across the room I could see Angel laughing at me. I quietly said to him, "Laugh it up, fuzz ball!"
Fluttershy then placed the tray of snacks on a table, put her hoof upon my shoulder and said, "There, there, let's not let a little mishap spoil our day."
I however had smacked her hoof off of my shoulder with all the strength in me and I let out my full frustration. "No, I can't take this anymore! I hate this fucking place! HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE IT! I hate every single talking pony that I come by! I hate every single day that we have to waste being in this Godforsaken Hellhole! I hate having to hear every fucking pony say 'everypony' when they should say 'everybody'! I hate all the back pains that I get from having to walk through these tiny doors! But more importantly, I JUST HATE HAVING TO BE IN A WORLD RULED BY TALKING PONIES!" I was so frustrated that when my face started to turn red, I swore that it was about to explode!
As soon as I finally finished letting out my anger, I then started to hear some kind of whimpering noise. I turned around and saw that Fluttershy was standing at a corner with her back turned away. I walked up to her and said, "Are you OK?"
She then turned around and that's when I'd noticed tears coming down from her eyes. She then said to me sobbingly, "Y-yes."
"If you're OK, then why are you crying?" my Asperger side of me asked.
She then said while she tried to hold back her tears, "W-well, you were raising your voice at me, and you told me how you don't like everypony. I can understand why you wouldn't like it here, but you didn't have to be so harsh."
"Well when I said that I hated talking ponies, I didn't mean you in particular."
"It's OK, I'm use to this kind of treatment. Everypony's been treating me this way ever since I was a filly; always laughing at me, always yelling at me, and always trying to hurt me. I try my best to have everypony like me, but they still do mean things to me. This is why I like being with my animal friends; because they can never hurt me." When she ended that sentence, she finally lost control of her tears and she just cried away.
Now normally I wouldn't care at all if any of these ponies were hurt; but for some strange reason, there was a part of me that wanted to be nice to her. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was just something about her that just flat out fills my heart with pity. It's like as if this poor creature had no friend at all and was never treated the way that she ought to have been treated. And so, plucking out as much courage as I could muster, I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "I'm sorry."
Jonathan and Andrew cried, "What?!"
And Fluttershy looked at me and said, "W-what did you say?"
"I said I'm sorry," I repeated. "I shouldn't have raised my voice at you; I was just getting so frustrated for the past five days, that I just had to let it all out. But I never intended to lash it out on you; and for that, I am sorry."
Fluttershy's tears finally started to dry up a bit and then she said, "Y-you mean it?"
"I mean every single word that I say." I promised her.
Then without saying anything at all, Fluttershy wrapped her hooves around my neck and gave me a hug. I didn't hug her back because I was too surprised by this unexpected response to even consider hugging her back. But when she finally let go of me, she then flew up the stairs and went into her room.
As I got up, Andrew said, "Gees, since when did you become tenderhearted for ponies?" I just ignored him and walked on by. As I was walking up the stairs, Andrew was like, "What, no smart aleck remark or insult?" and when they couldn't see me anymore, Jonathan was like, "OK, is it just me, or is that not the real Jeffrie?"
As I stood beside Fluttershy's door, I could hear her sniffling. I then knocked on the door and said, "Fluttershy, look, I really did mean it when I apologized to you. I wasn't just saying it for my own sake, I really did mean it. Also, I'm very sorry that nobody is ever nice to you; because to tell you the truth, nobody was ever nice to me either, so I kinda understand what you might be going through. I'm not as mean as you might think I am. I can be a very nice guy from time to time, but I always feel so angry that I forget how others would feel towards me. Listen, I'm not asking you for much; all I ask is for your forgiveness. And if you ever feel that you don't have as many friends as you want, then I would be more than happy to be your friend. But I of course understand if you don't want to speak to me again; so I'll just go down the stairs and I won't bother you."
I then went back down the stairs, and I took a plate from the tray. As I was eating the snack that Fluttershy had made, I noticed that Jonathan and Andrew were both staring at me with that weird, perverted smile that SpongeBob gave Squidward when he found out that he likes krabby patties.
"What?" I asked.
Jonathan then said, "You love her, don't you Jeffrie?"
I nearly choked to death after hearing that statement, "What?!"
"Admit it, Jeffrie, you have a crush on her."
Andrew then said, "And what was all that talk about you not wanting to start a relationship with a pony?"
I then told the two sickos, "It's nothing like that, I just want to be her friend."
"Yeah," said Jonathan, "Her boyfriend."
"Just because I apologize to her, doesn't mean I'm in love with her."
"Yeah about that," said Andrew, "what was up with that apology? You wouldn't have typically apologized to any of the other ponies we've met, so what makes her so special?"
"Because I strongly believe that the rest of the ponies can handle a few insults here and there. Fluttershy, however, can't; so from now on, I gotta learn to control my temper when I'm around her and I need to be more gentle to her."
"And you never want to be more gentle to me or Jonathan, because...?"
"Because I enjoy hilarious moments like this." I then showed him the picture of him sucking his thumb while he was asleep. When I saw the look on his face, I just rolled on the floor, laughing. As I was laughing like a hyena, Jonathan said to Andrew, "Yep, it's the real Jeffrie all right."
The next morning, I've awoken from my sleep as I laid upon Fluttershy's couch. I then looked down at Andrew--who was sleeping on the floor. As I started to get a closer look at him, I noticed that his face was drawn on! He had girly eyelashes and black lipstick; I chuckled a bit because I thought that was kinda funny. I then turned my attention to Jonathan--who was sleeping near a corner. He and Andrew both knew that they were going to sleep on the floor, but there was no way that Jonathan was ever going to sleep next to Andrew again. Not ever since that whole hickey incident. Anyway, I looked upon Jonathan's face as well, and what a surprise, his face was drawn on as well! He had a big unibrow and on his forehead was the word: LOSER!
I also chuckled at this; I don't know who did this, but they sure do have a great sense of humor. Maybe I did this in my sleep. You know, sleep pranking. Or maybe it was Fluttershy. Maybe she was a bit of a prankster, and she didn't want anyone to know. Anyway, I got off the couch and I went straight to the bathroom.
When I looked at my reflection, I've discovered--to my absolute horror--that I too have been drawn on! Mine wasn't as worse as the guys, though; it was just a curly French moustache and goatee. But despite that, I still had a bad reaction towards it. "What the fuck?!"
This of course caused the guys to wake up; as they dashed into the bathroom, Jonathan was like, "Hey Jeffrie, what's with the wake-up call?" When he saw my face, he was then like, "What the Hell?"
Andrew was then like, "Let me guess: you were tired of waiting for actual facial hair to grow, so you decided to draw some instead."
They started to laugh of course, but I ended up getting the last laugh when I said, "Yeah, well at least I'm not a freak who wears make-up or a LOSER with a unibrow."
When I showed them their reflections, Jonathan was like, "Oh God I look hideous!" while Andrew was like, "When I get my hands on the son of a bitch who did this to us, he's so going to regret it!"
We then started to hear someone laughing; we turned around and realized that it was only Angel...with a sharpie in his paws! As we were looking down upon the little Hell spawn of Bugs Bunny, I said to him, "So you're the son of a bitch who drew on our faces!" and Jonathan said, "You're so dead!" and Andrew added, "Nobody makes us look stupid and gets away with it!" Angel's laughing then slowly came to a stop, and the look on his face went from one of delight to fright. We were silent for a while, and then I blurted out, "GET HIM!" then next thing you know, me and the guys jumped right at him and started to chase him all over Fluttershy's cottage.
We nearly had smashed just about everything just so we could get our hands on that little furry bastard. But I was still able to catch him, nonetheless. As I held that fluffy demon within my grasp, Jonathan said, "So what are we gonna do to him?"
I thought for a while and then I said, "I know what we can do to him." I then took the sharpie from his paws, and I plan on giving him a taste of his own medicine. "Let's see how cute you'll look when I make you look like a gremlin." But that however had to wait; because as I was about to draw on Angel's face, I heard Fluttershy coming down the stairs.
If she were to see me doing something bad to her pet rabbit, she might think of me in a bad way--kinda like how Rarity is right now. And I for some strange reason want to see to it that she thinks of me in a good way. So I quickly got rid of the sharpie, picked up a towel and cleaned my face, and then I gave the towel to the guys so that they would clean their faces. But what was I to do with Angel, you might ask? Well I certainly wasn't going to let that little furry bastard go, if that's what you're thinking--I went through an awful lot of trouble just to catch him for Christ's sake! So I decided to just hide him behind my back, with my hand over his face--so that way he doesn't make a sound.
When Fluttershy finally came down the stairs, she saw all three of us just standing there and she said, "My, you three are up early!"
I then said, "Well that's who we are; just a couple of early risers." While I was saying this, Angel started to struggle. So I made my grip tighter.
Fluttershy then said, "Well, I guess you three should start packing your things. I'll just get myself ready to take you all over to Sugarcube Corner."
When she went back up the stairs, Angel had slipped his way out of my grasp. As he was hopping away however, I said to him, "Where you going, Thumper? Aren't you forgetting this?" in my hand I held his little, fluffy, cotton tail! Angel looked behind himself and realized that I had ripped his tail off! He then came towards me, and he started to hop up and down while he made some kind of weird, whiny sound. I then said to him, "What's that, you want it back?" he then began to nod his head very rapidly. "OK, I guess you can have it back." But right when I was about to give it to him, I raised my arm up and said, "Although of course it's all the way up here." This is a little something that I like to do call "the teasing game". It's when I'm about to give something to someone but then I jerk it away before he could grab it. I used to play this game a lot when I was in middle school. And now I'm going to play it with Angel.
I would lower my arm a bit, and right when Angel hops up, I raise it back up. As I kept on doing this, I was saying stuff like, "Over here Angel, don't you want it? I thought you want it. Come on, you almost got it." Then as he hopped up again, I quickly grabbed him with my other hand! With my thumb, I opened his mouth and shoved his tail right into it. I then said to him, "Let this be a warning to you, fluffy. Don't you ever fuck with me again. You got that you little furry bastard?!" Angel then nodded his head in a very intimidated manner. I then let go of him and just watched him scurry away with that cotton tail of his in his mouth. Maybe next time he'll think twice before fucking with me again, I thought to myself.
...
A couple of minutes later, Fluttershy had taken us to this Sugarcube Corner place. She knocked on the door and we waited awhile for someone to answer it. While the guys were looking at their reflections on their cellphones, I thought that now might be a good time to start a conversation with Fluttershy--you know, to see if she was thinking of me in a good way. But as I was about to say something, she says, "You didn't have to apologize again."
I was like, "Say what?"
"Your apology," she clarified, "I accepted it the first time."
"Oh, uh...thanks." I looked away from her, then next thing you know, the memories of me shouting at her and making her cry started to come back to me. As these thoughts started to sneak back into my head, I started to tear up a little.
Fluttershy noticed this and said, "What's wrong?"
I then said to her tearfully, "I was just remembering yesterday when I raised my voice at you. When I saw you crying, it was making a bit of me feel like crying as well. I don't know why I'm like this, but I'm guessing it's because I just can't handle seeing somebody feel hurt. Especially when it's someone like you. If I had known about all the horrible things you were having to go through, I wouldn't have raised my voice at you. But now..." I couldn't say anything else at this point, because I finally couldn't hold back my tears any longer and I just covered my mouth with my hand to block out the sound of my sobbing.
Fluttershy then patted me on the shoulder and said, "There, there, it's OK. You didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I know that you might act like a bit of a meanie now and then, but I'm sure that deep inside you must be a real sweetie."
"You think so?" I said as my waterworks finally started to die down a bit.
"Of course I do," Fluttershy assured me, "I am the one who represents the Element of Kindness after all. Besides, we are friends, right?"
Right when I was about to answer her question, the door suddenly blasted out with confetti and out of the door came Pinkie Pie. She had a party hat on her head, and she was blowing a noisemaker. She then put party hats on me and the guys, then next thing you know she starts to sing some sort of welcome song to us.
After she finished singing, me and the guys took the party hats off our heads and then she just came right up to our faces and said, "Well it's about time you three showed up! I was beginning to think that you three would never come to my place! Because when Twilight said that I was going to be the last one that you'll visit, I was like," she then made a deep gasp. "And I was like that because I really, really, wanted to see you guys again! Because I never got to throw you guys a party, and I always like throwing parties for my new friends! But not as much as I like making new friends, eating cupcakes, singing songs, giving hugs, and seeing my friends smile! Ooh, did I also mention that I like...?!"
Oh my God, does that pony ever shut the fuck up?! Man, and I thought Rainbow Dash was annoying; at least she doesn't just talk non-stop! All that I was hearing out of Pinkie Pie was, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" I swear if I had to listen to her talk any longer, I was going to shoot myself in the head just so I wouldn't have to listen to the sound of her speaking again! Anyway, as Pinkie Pie continued to blabber us to death, we all stepped inside her place and oh my God, are there not any doors that aren't so damn small?! In fact, I'm just gonna go out on a limb that every single door in this world is about the size of Yoda. Anyway, when we were inside of Sugarcube Corner, that's when I noticed a cannon. "Is that a cannon?" I asked.
Pinkie Pie then stopped talking about whatever the Hell it was that she was talking about and said, "It's not just a cannon, silly! This is my party cannon! How did you think all of that confetti came out of the door?" A party cannon; next she'll tell us that she has a party bazooka or a party flame-thrower--or a party tank for that matter.
As Pinkie went to put her party cannon away, the guys were drooling over the delicious sweets that were being put on display. And while they were doing that, I turned back to Fluttershy and next thing you know, she hugs me again! As she grasped her hooves around me, she whispered, "Promise me you'll stay."
Since I may not see her again, I figured that the nice thing to do was to hug her back--since I didn't hug her back the first time. And after that little random act of kindness, she let go of me and went back to her cottage.
After I closed the door that Fluttershy walked out of, Pinkie immediately came back with two other ponies; one was yellow with orange hair and the other was light blue with pink hair. She then said, "Jeffrie, Jonathan, Andrew, meet Mr. and Mrs. Cake; they own Sugarcube Corner."
Mr. Cake shook each of our hands and said, "How you do."
Then Mrs. Cake shook each of our hands and said, "So you're the ones who fell out of the sky?"
"E'yup," I said in my Big Mac impersonation, "and you two must be Pinkie's parents."
They both started to laugh, and then Mr. Cake said, "No, no, it's not like that." And Mrs. Cake added, "Pinkie just works for us; we just let her stay here since she doesn't have anywhere else to live."
"I'll be more than glad to show you three my room, if you want?!" before we could give her an answer, she just pushes us right up the stairs and took us to her room. "This is where I'm sleeping," she pointed at her bed, "and this is where you'll sleep!" she then pointed at an area that consisted of a couch, a chair, and a rug. On the rug stood a little alligator; Pinkie Pie picked him up and said, "This is my pet alligator, Gummy!"
"Why is he called that?" asked Jonathan.
Then Pinkie Pie told him, "Because he doesn't have any teeth, see!" Gummy then started to bite him, but it didn't hurt him. But despite the fact that Gummy's bites were painless, Jonathan still freaked out and started to perform another one of his drama king acts.
When he fell to the ground, I picked Gummy up and said, "Relax, Jonathan, she said so herself that he doesn't have any teeth." And then Gummy started to gnaw on my head.
Pinkie was like, "Aww, he likes you." Apparently everybody's' pets--except for Angel--has some kind of liking towards me. She then said, "Well, I'm gonna go down the stairs and get everything ready. You guys just hang back until I call you down." And then she went down the stairs.
While we were relaxing, Andrew said, "What do you suppose she's getting ready for?"
"I don't care," I stated bluntly. "I'm just glad that after today, we are out of here."
Jonathan was then like, "Yeah, I don't really know what could possibly make us want to stay."
Then Andrew said, "Who knows, maybe they're secretly making something that might make us stay here."
"Oh please," I doubted, "what could these ponies possibly make that'll...?" I stopped at mid-sentence when I seem to have notice something weird about Andrew. When he blinked, there seemed to have been something on his eyelids. "Hey Andrew, close your eyes." When he did just that, I then saw little words that Angel had written on him. One eyelid said: I'M A. And the other eyelid said: DUFUS. I took a picture of this on my cellphone, and I showed it to Andrew, "Hey Andrew, looks like Angel had written a little message on your eye-lids."
When he saw the picture, he was like, "I really hate that rabbit." Don't we all? I thought to myself. Anyway, when Andrew went to the bathroom to wash that shit off of his eyelids, Jonathan said, "Hey Jeffrie, see if I have anything written on my eyelids."
He closed his eyes; I looked and saw nothing. "Nope, you're good. Now see if I have anything written on mine."
I then closed my eyes; he looked and saw nothing. "Nope, you're good too. I wonder why he only did Andrew?"
"I don't know," I said, "maybe it's because he's so easy to prank; we did make him wear a dress for Christs' sake." He and I chuckled a bit, but then he suddenly changed the subject.
"By the way, how was it like kissing Fluttershy?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't act like you don't know, I saw you two hugging each other."
"Well yeah, we were just saying goodbye."
"Was that all, Jeffrie? You positively sure that you two didn't kiss each other goodbye as well?" he then started to pretend he was French kissing someone and he did an impersonation of Fluttershy, "Oh, Jeffrie, don't stop. I've been a bad girl and I must be punished. Say that I'm dirty." But I was able to put an end to this bullshit when I gave him a big punch to the nose! He then said to me as he moaned in pain, "Why did you do that?"
"Because I felt like it," I said. "Also, don't you ever speak of Fluttershy that way again!"
"This, coming from the guy who's done nothing but been a complete ass to everyone, even his own friends, for the past six days?!"
"That's different; you and everyone else are non-sensitive and can handle a little abuse. Fluttershy however is very sensitive and can't handle any abuse at all. Weren't you even listening to all that stuff she said about her getting picked on? She clearly has never been treated like the lovely, kind-hearted lady that she is. So it's only fair that we treat her as gently and kindly as possible."
"Yeah, I smell bullshit."
"Is that so? If your nose isn't working right, I can be more than happy to give it another punch." Jonathan then flinched as he said, "OK, OK, I won't say anything bad about your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend!"
"Right, and Adam Sandler's still funny."
When Andrew had finally came out of the bathroom after getting the little message off his eyelids, we heard Pinkie Pie cry out, "OK guys, you can come down now!"
So we all went down the stairs. When we had reached the bottom of this place, we noticed that the room was pretty dark.
"Jeffrie."
"Yes, Andrew."
"Why is it so dark in here?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe they're planning on taking our kidneys," Jonathan suggested.
"I kinda doubt that Pinkie is the bloodthirsty type," I commented.
Then out of nowhere the lights flashed back on and a big crowd of ponies shouted, "Surprise!"
Me and the guys just stood there as if we had been frozen or some shit like that. Pinkie Pie then comes bouncing towards us and says, "So, what do you think?"
Jonathan was like, "What's with all the ponies?"
Then Pinkie told him, "They're here to attend your welcome party of course!"
"Our welcome party?" asked Jonathan.
"Well yeah," said Pinkie, "I did mention that I love throwing parties for my new friends, didn't I? And besides, this could be a good way for you guys to meet the other ponies of Ponyville as well."
That's right, before we could kiss this Hell-hole goodbye, we had to meet every single pony here. Not just the ones whose places we had to stay at, oh no, we also have to meet the whole entire town! I'm not really sure on how many stages of Hell Dante had to go through, but I'm pretty sure that this must've been the last one. Anyway, throughout the party, me and the guys just stood next to the punch table. Jonathan and Andrew were drinking the punch, while I was chugging down about eight cans of coke. As we were just hanging back, we saw nearly an entire collection of ponies. There was a light green unicorn with a light green mane, a yellowish earth pony with a pink and dark blue mane, a white unicorn with a pink mane, even a yellow unicorn with a light blue mane. Man, that's a lot of ponies, I thought to myself.
As we continued to people watch, or pony watch (which would be the more appropriate term), a cross-eyed gray pegasus with a yellow mane was flying very clumsily towards us. "Hey," said the cross-eyed pegasus (who spoke in a very suspiciously mentally disabled manner), "you must be the guys who fell out of the sky. I'm Derpy Hooves, but my friends call me Derpy for short."
"Derpy?" said Jonathan. "Your name is Derpy?"
"Yep."
"You sure it's not Dopey?"
"No, that's my brother's name; in fact, he's over there with Bulk Biceps." She then waved to some male version of herself, and then he waved back and said, "Hey sis!"
I then said to her, "So... what exactly did you want to talk to us about?"
"Oh that's right," Derpy remembered, "I just wanted to welcome you guys to Ponyville. But I'm sure that you might like Cloudsdale even more."
"What's Cloudsdale?" I asked.
"It's where all the pegasi live."
Andrew then asked her, "So what do you do here?"
"I deliver things."
"You're a mail-man?"
"Well technically I'm more of a mail-pony, but I'm very good at delivering things. If you ever need something to be delivered, you can count on me. Although, I have been known to lose some packages, and give them to the wrong ponies; in fact, sometimes I like to look into other ponies' mail to see what it is they're sending. Well, it was nice talking to you three, now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get that next batch of muffins before my brother does." When she flew towards the plate of muffins, she and her brother crashed into each other and caused a big mess.
Jonathan then said, "OK, am I the only who thinks that she might be mentally challenged?"
"I'm not so sure," Andrew wasn't convinced. "Maybe she's one of them method actors who's trying extremely hard to become the role."
"No, she can't be pretending," I said.
"Why's that?" asked Andrew.
"Because if she was acting, she would know that she should never go full-retard."
"Well I doubt that she's seen Tropic Thunder, so she probably wouldn't know about that golden rule."
"Derpy, Dopey," said Jonathan, "next thing you know she's going to say that she has an out-of-town cousin named Simple Jack."
Andrew then brought up, "Hey guys, do you see that light greenish unicorn over there?"
"Yeah," I said, "what about her?"
"She's been staring at us for quite a while."
"You serious?!" asked Jonathan.
"Yeah, it's like she's just waiting for us to lay our guard down."
As we kept our eyes on that unicorn, something tapped me on the shoulder, and it made me freak out--including the guys. That something just turned out to be another pony; this one was some sort of combination of red and purple, and she had a pink mane. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I startle you?"
"No," I said to her sarcastically, "I was just practicing my Jedi reflexes."
She looked at me with a confused expression and said, "OK, um...anyway allow me to introduce myself." She then shook each of our hands as she said, "I'm Cheerilee, and I'm the schoolteacher of Ponyville." A schoolteacher. Who would've thought that after graduating we would be seeing schoolteachers again? Anyway, she then asked us, "So, are you three currently in school?"
"No," Andrew quickly corrected her, "we actually just graduated a few days ago."
"Really?" said Cheerilee. "From what school?"
"MacArthur High school."
"I guess you three must be very smart."
"Well we certainly wouldn't have graduated if we weren't smart," Jonathan retorted.
After that smart aleck, and yet very clever one-liner, Cheerilee then said, "Anyway, I was thinking that since you three are going to stay, I figured that you might come to my class one day and tell my students about your world."
"Whoa, hold your horses!" I said while also chuckling at the clever horse pun. "First of all, Cheerilee, the whole point of graduating is to never go back to school. And second of all, who said we were staying? I never said that; did you two say that?"
"Nope," said Jonathan and Andrew.
Cheerilee then said, "Well I just assume that this party that Pinkie's throwing meant that you were staying."
"Oh no," I said, "we are not staying in this Godforsaken place for another second. We just have to go through today, and then we're out of here, for good!"
Cheerilee then had a disappointed look on her face and said, "Well, I hope you three have enjoyed your stay." And as she walked away from us, I thought to myself, if her name's Cheerilee then why doesn't she look cheerful?
"Oh God," groaned Jonathan.
"What is it this time?" I asked him.
Then he told me, "That unicorn is still staring at us." Me and Andrew looked over and saw that the unicorn was--believe it or not--still staring at us. "Why is she doing this?" I wondered. Then Andrew said, "I don't know man, but I don't like the way she's looking at us."
As we were watching that unicorn, someone said to us, "Excuse me." This spooked us, but we were relieved to see that it was just a tannish earth pony with gray hair and glasses. The earth pony shook each of our hands and said, "How you do, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself, I am the Mayor of Ponyville."
Great, just what we need, a pony politician, I thought to myself. I then said to the Mayor, "What do you want?"
Then the Mayor said, "I was just wondering if you and your company are enjoying Ponyville."
I then told her, "If having to live in Pony Hell for six days is your idea of enjoyment, then by all means, yes."
The Mayor then had a scared expression on her face and was like, "OK, um...toodles!" and with that said she just bolted right out of the door and ran far away from here as possible.
Andrew then said, "Dude, I think you just creeped her out."
To this I said, "Tell me something I don't know."
"Well that unicorn over there is still staring at us."
When he had mentioned this, Jonathan couldn't take it any longer, and it resulted in him shouting at the unicorn, "Will you stop staring at us?!"
Everyone in the room then stopped to stare at us, but the unicorn turned to her friend and said, "Oh my gosh, Bon-Bon, they talked to me! They actually talked to me!" she then let out a high-pitched, girly squeal.
Her friend then said to her, "I can see that, Lyra. Everypony saw it."
A few minutes later, all the ponies stopped staring at us and went back to what they were doing before. But that still didn't stop them from walking up to us and having brief conversations that we're sure to forget. For example, after everyone stopped staring at us, someone had tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw that it was a white unicorn with blue hair and sunglasses, and alongside her was a gray earth pony with black hair. The unicorn said, "Sorry to interrupt, but is your friend OK?"
I then told her, "Yeah, he was just rehearsing for a play."
The gray pony then said, "Really, what's it called?"
"I believe that it's called 'The Drama King And I'."
"Will you stop calling me a drama king?!" cried Jonathan.
I then turned to him and said, "Hey, save that attitude for when you're begging Hollywood to give you an Oscar."
The white unicorn then said, "Anyway, my name's DJ Pon-3."
Andrew was like, "Is that your real name?"
The gray pony then said, "No, that's just her stage name; her real name is Vinyl Scratch. I'm Octavia, by the way."
"So... are you two friends or sisters or...?" I asked.
Vinyl then told me, "Actually, me and Octi are just roommates."
"You two live together?" asked Jonathan.
Octavia sighed and said, "I'm afraid so."
Vinyl then said to us, "Anyway, if you three are having another party, and are in need of a DJ that can make some awesome wubs, then I'm the pony you need. See ya!" when she'd walked away, Octavia said to us, "But if you three are in more need of music that's less loud or booming, then I suggest you call me, instead. Ta-ta." And then she left.
"Excuse me," me and the guys looked down and saw that it was that unicorn who was staring at us.
Jonathan was like, "Oh my God, what do you want from us?!"
"I was just wondering if I could have one of your autographs?" she then levitated a blank piece of paper and a pen with her unicorn magic.
"You want an autograph?" said Jonathan. "OK, I'll give you an autograph." He then took the piece of paper and pen into his hands, and in big, bold letters he wrote: PISS OFF!
When he handed it over to her, she ran to her friend as she was squealing like a Justin Bieber fangirl. "Oh my gosh, Bon-Bon, I got one of their autographs!"
Her friend looked at the sheet of paper and said, "Lyra, this isn't an autograph; this is an angry letter."
"You mean his name isn't Piss Off?" her friend then facepalmed herself, "What? He kinda looks like a Piss Off when you look at him."
OK, back to us now. After Jonathan had given that unicorn his "autograph", another unicorn walked up to us. This unicorn was blue and had blue and white hair. Before she could say anything, Jonathan had rudely said to her, "If you want an autograph, piss off!"
I slugged him in the arm and I said to the unicorn, "Sorry about my friend, he just tends to be a bit of a shit now and then. And you are?"
I then extended my hand out to her. She shook it and said, "I'm Minuette--though someponies call me Colgate; I'm the dentist in Ponyville."
The second she mentioned dentist, I immediately took my hand from her hoof and was like, "OK, conversation over."
"You got something against dentist?" asked Minuette.
"It's not that I have anything against them," I said, "It's just that I don't like being near them."
She took a long look at me and said, "Open your mouth."
"Why?"
"Just do it." I opened my mouth a bit, but that didn't seem to please her. "Wider."
"This is as wide as it goes." Then without even warning me, she just starts stretching my mouth with her unicorn magic--and boy did it hurt! I swear, she was pulling my lips so far that I felt as if my whole entire face was going to be ripped off! But when she finally let go of my lips, I was like, "What the fuck, lady?! You trying to pull me apart?!"
"Nevermind that," Minuette dismissed my outburst, "it's your teeth you should worry about! After all my years of being a dentist, I've never seen teeth so crooked before. Have you even heard of braces?"
"Yes," I said, "and there's no way that I will ever have that stuff in my teeth."
"But braces help straighten your teeth."
"And they make you talk funny; and I wasn't going to let everyone make fun of the way I talk all throughout high school."
"So what if they make you talk a bit funny? I wore braces in high school, and now my teeth are perfect." She then grinned so she could show off her "perfect teeth."
She was hoping for me to be impressed by them, but I instead told her, "Yeah, but was it worth those four, long, painful years of everybody teasing you and never wanting to speak to you? I don't think so."
"Well you won't be talking that way the second your teeth start to decay. In fact, do any of you even brush your teeth?"
We were each silent for a while, then Andrew confessed, "We didn't bring our toothbrushes."
This shocked her of course, but she said to us, "Well it's a good thing I bring toothbrushes with me wherever I go."
As she gave each of us toothbrushes, I tossed mine aside and said, "Yeah, I won't be needing that."
"Well how else are you going to brush your teeth?" asked Minuette.
"I'm not."
This caused her to actually let out a shocked gasp and say, "But you must!"
"What's the point?" I shrugged. "They're just going to get dirty again."
"He does have a point there," Jonathan admitted.
"Well if you're not going to take care of your teeth, then I'll do it for you. I'll set up an appointment for you at..."
"An appointment? Missy, I'm not sure that you're aware of this but we're not staying here! So that would make your appointment, useless! So why don't you go give an appointment to someone who actually cares? You know, like my butt; because he's the only one who gives a crap!"
This caused her to have that offended look that Rarity would make and then she said, "Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when all your teeth fall out!" and with that said, she turned her back and walked away.
Jonathan then said to me, "I think you might've over did it a bit."
"Oh she's just mad because she's not a real doctor," I said. "And I should know, I've seen all three Hangover movies."
Andrew then whispered to Jonathan, "This is the same guy who apologized to Fluttershy, right?"
And to this Jonathan responds, "I don't even know who he is anymore."
Then the most strangest thing happened, that weird unicorn walked right up to us again, and she told her friend, "OK, Bon-Bon, now take my picture with these humans." When her friend had snapped the picture, the unicorn just swipes it right out of the camera and was like, "Yes, now I have all the proof I need! Now I just need to go to the university and show them that humans really do exist!" and then she bolted out the door like The Flash.
Her friend then turned to us and said, "I'm sorry about all this; it's just that my friend has this strange obsession over humans."
"What do you mean she's obsessed?" asked Jonathan.
"Well believe it or not, she's been studying about humans all her life. She even dreams about being one herself one of these days. Of course everypony thought she was crazy, but when she shows them all that proof, they're so not going to hear the end of it. Well I best be going. Oh, and welcome to Ponyville."
After that awkward conversation, Andrew was like, "Wow, who would've thought that somebody in this world was studying us?" me and Jonathan didn't have anything to say to that.
Up to this point, my legs were feeling a little achy and were in need of some exercise. My answer came in the form of the front door being left opened again. "My God, don't any of these ponies bother to close their doors?!" after taking care of that little business, I walked back to the guys and we just laid back and continued on with the party.
The next couple of hours later, the party was finally coming to an end, and it was now nighttime. As we were about to go to sleep, me and the guys were fidgeting with excitement for what's about to come the next day. But our excitement had suddenly gone away from us the second Pinkie Pie had entered the room. "Today sure was a funday, wasn't it?"
"No, that won't be until tomorrow," I declared.
"That's right," cried Pinkie, "I almost forgot that tomorrow will be the day when me and my friends...!" she then just suddenly stopped in mid-sentence.
Jonathan said, "You and your friends will do what tomorrow?"
Pinkie then said, "Nevermind, goodnight!"
"What, no goodnight hug?" I asked sarcastically.
"You want one?!" Pinkie perked her head up.
I then told her, "No, I was just being sarcastic." And with that said I laid my head upon the soft cushions of the couch, Jonathan rested himself on the fine leather of the chair, Andrew lied face first on the itching wool of the rug, and then we all fell asleep.
...
When the sun had arisen the next day, I stretched myself as I began to rise as well. The day that we've been waiting for has finally arrived; today's the day we finally leave Ponyville! I was about to wake up the guys, but right when I was about to do that, I saw Andrew doing the most fucked-up thing in the history of fucked-up things! I tapped Jonathan on the shoulder and said, "Hey Jonathan, get a load of Andrew."
When he got a good look at Andrew, he and I both began to chuckle a bit. If you thought Andrew sucking his thumb was funny, then it's nothing compared to him making out with Gummy! This was more fucked-up then Jack Nicholson making out with that old woman in The Shining. After we had taken pictures of this on our cellphones, we then tried to wake him up. But apparently, he was a sound sleeper, because nothing that we did seem to have any effect on him. That is until Jonathan said, "I know what'll wake him up." He sticked his finger into his mouth, and when he pulled that sucker out, he stuck it right into Andrew's ear and gave him a wet willy!
This caused Andrew to get up and say in a muffled-up voice, "Who the fuck gave me a wet willy?!" he then realized that we were staring at him, "What're you looking at?" I was then pointing at my nose--meaning that I was telling him to look at his nose. And when he did look at his nose, he started to scream like a little girl as he tried to remove Gummy from his face. When he did get him off, he was like, "What the fuck is he doing on my face?!"
"I don't know," I said, "maybe it was because you were making out with him."
"What?!" cried Andrew.
"Oh yeah, Andrew," said Jonathan, "you were smacking lips with an alligator. Speaking of which," he then took out his cellphone and showed Andrew the picture right up to his face and said, "Oh Andrew, give me a kiss!"
With that said, Andrew immediately rushed into the bathroom, and he commenced to getting the taste of alligator saliva out of his mouth--now he must know how I felt when I accidently smacked lips with Rainbow Dash. When Andrew came back out, he said to me, "You did this, didn't you?"
"Oh no," I said, "it's on you, Andrew; you're the one who kissed an alligator. So don't blame me when you're giving a reptile a tongue bath."
"Shut up."
"By the way, when you were making out with Gummy, were you pretending that it was Applejack?"
"I said shut up!"
"Just asking."
Jonathan then said, "Where's Pinkie Pie?" that's when we then noticed that Pinkie Pie wasn't in the room. As we were wondering where she might've gone to, she pops out of nowhere and screams, "Goodmorning!" and then we all jumped up in fright. "Somepony's awfully jumpy today."
"Really, you don't say?" said Jonathan.
"Anyway," Pinkie continued, "now that you guys are up, put these blindfolds on and follow me."
"Where are you taking us, exactly?" I asked.
"I'm just going to show you three what we've been making for the past six days."
"Really, what is it?" asked Andrew.
"I can't tell you, silly; it's a surprise!" and so me and the guys reluctantly put the blindfolds around our eyes, and we let Pinkie Pie lead us to this surprise--but if this turns out to be some sort of trick for Rainbow Dash to make me kiss her again, then they're gonna find themselves in a glue factory! As we were walking along, we had suddenly come to a complete stop. "OK, you can take the blindfolds off now!" shouted Pinkie.
When we took the blindfolds off, we saw all six of the ponies standing next to each other and shouting, "Surprise!"
We didn't quite get what the surprise was supposed to be, so I said, "What's the surprise?"
"This!" cried Pinkie. She then pointed at a house that was right behind them.
Andrew was like, "Whose house is it?"
"It's yours, silly!"
"What do you mean this is our house?" asked Jonathan.
Then Twilight said, "You remember when I asked Jeffrie about his dream house?"
Now that she mentioned it, I actually do remember her asking me that. And as I looked at the house, it's everything that I described it to be: big, green, and no windows--they even got the size of the doors right for once. Anyway, Jonathan then said to Twilight, "Yeah I remember that."
Then she told him, "Well, after I left you three with Spike, I went and showed the blueprints to my friends. And while you three were living with some of my friends, we've been secretly building this house for you guys."
Wow, I thought to myself, who would've thought that this community service was just a distraction for them to build us a house? As M. Night Shyamalan would say, "What a twist!" but anyway, I then said, "So why did you all build us this house?"
Then Twilight said, "Because we really want you three to stay."
Rarity said under her breath, "Well most of us do."
I was then like, "You actually want us to stay that badly?"
"Uh, yeah!" cried Rainbow Dash. "You think that we would build this house if we didn't want you guys to stay?"
"She does have a point," Andrew admitted.
I still wasn't convinced that we should stay though. "Hmm...I'm not so sure that we ought to stay."
"But you haven't even seen the inside yet!" cried Pinkie. "Come, let me show you!" and I'm not kidding, Pinkie Pie had literally dragged us all through the house and said, "This is the living room, this is the kitchen, this is the bathroom, this is the upstairs, this is a green room, this is a purple room, and this is an orange room!" then when she was done, she just flung us right out of the house.
"Are they going to stay?" me and the guys looked up and saw that Spike, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and every single pony in Ponyville, was standing right in front of us.
"Have you all been standing there this whole time?" I said.
"Yeah," said Spike, "we were told that you decided to stay."
"And we wanted ta see if it was true," said Apple Bloom.
"You are staying, right?" asked Sweetie Belle. And when she did ask, she started to make her eyes all big and cutesy again. When Jonathan saw this, he immediately looked away and said, "If I don't look at her she can't hurt me! If I don't look at her she can't hurt me!"
I then said, "OK, who told you all that we were staying?"
"That would be me," then out of the crowd came the old battle-axe herself, Princess Celestia! "You!" I cried. Andrew was like, "Oh Jesus!" and then I looked Celestia right in the eyes, opened my mouth, and I let out the mother of all insults! "Why you sick...twisted...manipulative...diabolical...stuck-up...spoiled-rotten...cunt-licking, breast-sucking, donkey-rapping, fetus-eating, piss-drinking, tampon-shoving, panty-sniffing, bra-choking, herpes-infected, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, chitty chitty bang bang, scrumdiddlyumptious, sugar, spice, and everything nice, power-obsessed, abortion-spewing, royal pain in my ass, BITCH! You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?! First you make me and my friends spend six days of our lives in this town; and right when your community service of Hell finally ends, you had to make the whole entire town try to guilt-trip us into staying! Well, if you think that this'll make us stay, then you got another thing coming, bitch!"
"JEFFRIE!" cried Princess Celestia. "Don't dare to challenge my wrath! As Princess of Equestria, I order you and your friends to..."
I then interrupted her, "Fuck you and your stupid little title! You can be Princess of the Universe and I still wouldn't give a rat's ass! Because nobody, especially some pampered-up bitch like you, tells me what to do! Me and my friends are leaving, and if that doesn't make you happy then you can take your little crown and shove it! But before we go, why don't you get down to your royal knees and kiss...my...ass!"
The second I turned my back, Jonathan was saying to himself, "And Jeffrie dies in three...two...one..." then as quick as you can say "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" a clash of thunder boomed across the sky and a bolt of lightning came hurtling towards my ass! Now the first and second time this has happened usually resulted in me getting my ass struck with lightning; but third time's the charm as they put it, and this time I wasn't going to let this happen to me again. I said I can take on Celestia, and I was going to prove it. As the lightning was getting closer and closer to my ass, I took out my cellphone, placed it in front of my ass, and when the bolt had struck the glass it had refracted itself and went straight to Celestia instead!
The guys were both like, "Holy shit!" I on the other hand was pointing at Celestia and saying, "Ah-ha! I knew you would fire another one of your lightning bolts at me if I piss you off enough!"
Celestia was then like, "Y-you were pestering me on purpose?"
"Exactly," I said, "For the past six days I've been waiting to get back at you for striking me in the ass with lightning. And now I've done it, I'VE DONE IT! Oh yeah, I did it, I gotcha! Go Jeffrie, it's your birthday--not really! But who cares? Because I gotcha back!" When I felt that enough was enough, I said, "OK now that that has been taken care of, I would like to take this time to tell you all my actual decision."
The guys and all the ponies were like, "What?!"
And then I said, "Yeah I've been giving it some thought, and now that I'm really thinking this through, this place ain't so bad. It has its flaws of course but we don't really have anywhere else to go. And to be fair, that house is freaking awesome."
Fluttershy then walked up to me and asked me, "So does this mean that you'll stay?"
I then told her, "Yes, we're here to stay."
She then cried, "Yay!" and then the other ponies started to cheer as well. While they were cheering, I went up the guys and we had a private conversation. "Jeffrie, what the Hell?!" Jonathan started to bitch. "For the past six days you were saying how much you wanted to get out of here, and now all of a sudden you want to stay?!"
"Where else can we go to, Jonathan?" I asked. "Because if there is another place that we can go to, then I would be more than happy to go there. But there isn't; this is the only place that we know so far, and until we learn more about this world, we have no choice but to stay here."
Andrew then said, "You're wanting to stay because of Fluttershy, aren't you?"
Then I said to him, "You keep that up and I'll tell Big Mac about your feelings towards Applejack."
Pinkie Pie then pops out of nowhere and cries, "Who wants a 'Welcome to Ponyville' hug?"
I was then like, "Pinkie, enough with the hugs already. We never wanted to hug you then, and we don't want to hug you now."
Pinkie then said, "If you let me hug you, then I won't sing the 'Welcome to Ponyville' song."
Knowing that another one of their corny musical numbers would be far worse than a hug, I said, "Fine, but make it quick." The second I said that she had wrapped her hooves around mine and the guys' waist in some kind of anaconda like grip, and then next thing you know all the ponies began to join in as well. When I started to feel like I was beginning to lose all the breath inside of me, I cried, "OK, you can stop now!"
When they had released their bear hugs on us, Pinkie then said, "OK everypony, who's ready to sing?"
I then said to her, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, you said that you wouldn't sing if we let you hug us."
She was silent for a while and then she said, "Oh yeah, I lied!"
As they began to sing their corny musical number, I just stood there and watched as my anger slowly started to build-up. If you thought that I was pissed before, then you hadn't seen me when I'm enraged. The hate that I had for Rainbow Dash and Princess Celestia were nothing compared to the hate that I now have towards Pinkie Pie. As she was just singing away, I walked up behind her, raised my hands, and I would've strangled that annoying, hug obsessed blabbermouth if the guys hadn't pulled me back into the house. So in the end, me and the guys have decided that it was best to just stay here after all. But this of course is only just the beginning for the three of us.
Ever since me and the guys had chosen to stay in Ponyville, we were getting a bit used to living here. It took some time of course, but we eventually decided to just embrace the fact that we were going to spend the rest of our lives in a world ruled by talking ponies. And in case you're all wondering, no, I did not ever try to kill Pinkie Pie again. It still pissed me off that that annoying, pink, blabbermouth would just trick me into letting her hug me and sing another one of those corny musical numbers, but we've been living here for about a week, and I was able to find it in me to let the whole thing go.
Now as for the house in general, it was a pretty decent place to live. I had dibs on the green room (since green is my favorite color), Jonathan got dibs on the purple room (since purple happens to be Twilight's color), and I bet that you already know why Andrew would call dibs on the orange room. So as you can see, this house seems to have everything we could ever ask for...except TV, videogames, and internet. If there's one thing that any boy--or any human being for that matter--can't live without, it's the three things that I just mentioned. I of course explained to Twilight and her friends how we humans needed these things in order to survive from boredom, next thing you know she takes me to this inventor pony called Dr. Hooves, and believe it or not, he was actually able to make a TV, a PS3 and PS4, and our very own Wi-Fi system! I don't even know how he was even able to get the supplies to make these, but he did. My guess would probably be that he has secret ties with MacGyver. Oh, and in case you're all wondering how we're even able to power these things up, it's simple. Twilight had placed one of those electrical post near our house and she charged it with her unicorn magic. Now we can finally watch TV, play videogames, and surf the internet. And the best part of this is that there won't be any electric bills--because it's all free!
So as you can possibly imagine, we're actually starting to feel glad that we got ourselves sucked into that wormhole. Because back on Earth we would have to get jobs and pay taxes; but we don't have to do any of that stuff here. We're literally the first high school graduates to ever make a living in life without having to go through any of that hard work of getting jobs and paying taxes.
Everything seemed to have been going along just fine at this point...that is until today when me and the guys had finally become bored after doing nothing but watch TV, play videogames, and surf the internet. We were literally just lying on the couch, while trying to think of something to do.
"God, I'm so bored," I groaned.
"You can say that again," said Jonathan.
"I thought that living in a world ruled by talking ponies would be more exciting," said Andrew.
"I know, right?" Jonathan said in agreement. "Who would've thought that life here would be as dull and boring as life on Earth?"
"All I know is that I would give anything for something unexpected to happen," I stated, "and I mean it; I would literally just go out and get involved with the first unexpecting thing that happens."
"Even if it involves Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, or Princess Celestia?" asked Jonathan.
"No," I told him. "Just because I'm bored doesn't mean I'm insane."
"So you say," Jonathan muttered under his breath.
Right after I'd made that statement, we suddenly began to feel the ground shaking and hear loud noises. "What the Hell's going on out there?" asked Andrew.
"I'll go check it out," I volunteered. So I got my ass off the couch, and I went to see what all the commotion was. When I opened the door, I saw Twilight and Spike running from what appears to be a huge mob of ponies. I said to the guys, "It's just Twilight and Spike running from a mob."
Jonathan suddenly rose from the couch and was like, "An angry mob?"
"Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that they're angry," I tried to explain, "but they do appear to be happy. Is there such a thing as a happy mob?"
Without even answering my question, Jonathan rushed to the door and shouted, "Twilight, in here, quick!"
She and Spike then went running into our house, but then the huge crowd of happy ponies were about to come in as well! But before any of them could even step foot into this house, or hoof in their case, I cried out, "You shall not pass!" and then I slammed the door--since I didn't have a staff to hit the ground with. When I closed the door, I quickly locked it--so that way the mob doesn't come bursting through. I then turned and saw Twilight and Spike breathing heavily.
Jonathan went to Twilight and said, "You all right?"
Then she said, "Yes, I'm fine."
"So why was everybody chasing you?" asked Jonathan.
"Well, it all started this morning; I was helping Applejack getting off a tree, then out of nowhere I received two tickets from Princess Celestia."
"Tickets to what?"
"Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala."
Andrew was like, "The Grand Galloping what-now?"
Then Twilight told him, "It's only the biggest and greatest event in Equestrian history."
I then said, "That still doesn't explain why all those ponies were chasing you."
Spike was kind enough to explain everything to us. "Well first of all, when Twilight's friends found out about the tickets, they were doing all sorts of crazy things just to get on her good side. And they're doing these things because there's only two tickets and Twilight needed to choose which one will get it."
"Ah, like in that episode of Rocko's Modern Life," said Andrew. Spike and Twilight then stared at him confusingly until he said, "Never mind."
I then said to Twilight, "So who did you choose?"
Then she said, "That's just it, I haven't picked anypony yet! I'm afraid that if I choose one of my friends over the other, they might hate me!"
"But what about that huge mob of ponies? They can't all be your friends."
"Exactly, they weren't! It's just that when Pinkie Pie told everypony about the tickets, they immediately went berserk!"
I pondered about this for a while, and then I thought up of an experiment. I said to Spike, "Let me see the tickets, Spike."
Spike was then like, "Oh no, not you too!"
"No, no, it's just for a moment," I assured him. "I promise I'll give them back to you." He seemed a bit reluctant at first, but he eventually decided to give me the tickets. As I looked upon the tickets, they seemed to have just been plain, ordinary tickets. They were golden and very shiny. Maybe these ponies just like the way they look, I thought to myself. I then said to Twilight, "Now you're saying that everybody wasn't crazy until they knew about the tickets?"
"Yes," said Twilight, "they were all completely normal until they laid eyes on those tickets."
"Well then, look." I then tossed the tickets into a waste basket. Spike rushed in to get 'em but I stopped him. "You desire these tickets so much that you're willing to dive into a pile a garbage?"
"No," said Spike, "but why throw them away?"
"Because they are all together evil," I told him. "They will corrupt and destroy anyone who lays eyes upon them. Until they pass into the world of shadows and fall under the power of Sauron; the dark lord of Mordor."
I could hear Jonathan saying, "Oh God, please tell me he's not making a Lord of the Rings reference."
Twilight ignored his griping and said, "What're you saying, exactly?"
I took the tickets out of the waste basket, handed them to Spike, and I said, "What I'm saying is that something needs to be done with these tickets before anymore ponies become insane."
We all started to ponder about this for a while. Spike then shared his suggestion, "I know, why don't we just give them to you?" he was referring to me.
I was like, "That won't be such a good idea, Spike."
"Why not? You don't care about these tickets; you're practically immune to them. So here just take them."
As he was offering me the tickets, I cried, "Don't tempt me, Spike! I dare not take them, Spike; not even to keep them safe. Please understand Spike that I would want to hide these tickets for the desire to do good. But through me they would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."
Jonathan then let out a Buzz Killington sigh as Twilight said, "OK, so what else are we supposed to do?"
"It's clear that we only have one option," I said. "These tickets must be destroyed."
Andrew then said, "OK, then let's just rip them to little pieces and toss 'em in the waste basket."
"That would be easier said than done," I said. "Sure, we could just rip them into little, tiny pieces, but then someone could just easily put 'em back together with tape or glue. In other words, we'll need to see to it that these tickets are destroyed permanently."
"And how are we going to do that?" asked Twilight.
"Simple," I told her. "We need to cast these tickets into the fiery depths of Mount Doom from whence they came!"
Jonathan was then like, "Really, you're just gonna reenact the whole entire movie?"
That statement was also ignored. Spike then said, "What are we supposed to do exactly?"
Then Andrew told him, "He's suggesting that we toss them into a volcano."
"Why a volcano?" asked Spike.
And I told him, "Because whenever something touches lava, it burns. And as we all know nothing that has been burnt can ever be fixed."
"That sounds like a good idea," said Twilight, "but there's one problem though."
"And what's that?"
"We don't know where any volcanoes are."
"Then I guess we better go find one." And so begins an awesome journey to destroy some tickets.
...
A few minutes later, we were all ready for this completely unexpected journey. As we were about to leave, I peeked out the door to see if any more of those crazy ponies were still around. When the coast seemed clear, me, Jonathan, Andrew, Twilight, and Spike, crept out of the door and started our quest to find a volcano. So yeah, we were basically the Fellowship of the Tickets. As we were walking out in the open, Spike said, "Are you sure this'll work?"
And I told him, "If it worked for Frodo, it can work for us."
Jonathan was muttering, "That was just a movie."
And Andrew added, "And a book."
That's when we all heard someone shout, "There she is!" and next thing you know that mob of crazy ponies were coming right towards us! We ran away of course, but unfortunately, we ended up in a dead end. As the mob had us completely cornered, I said to Jonathan, "Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf."
Then Jonathan cried, "Will you stop quoting Lord of the Rings already?! It's getting really annoying!"
It would seem that there was no hope for us; that is until a big pink flash came out of nowhere and we somehow found ourselves in Twilight's house. Andrew was like, "What the Hell just happen?!"
Then Twilight said, "Oh nothing, I just teleported us to my house."
"You teleported us?" asked Jonathan.
"Of course I did," said Twilight, "I'm not the Element of Magic for nothing."
"So what do we do now?" I asked.
"The best thing that we can do for now is to just wait until everypony forgets about the tickets."
"Uh, Twilight?" said Spike.
"Yes, Spike?" that's when she realized that her friends were in the house as well. Twilight was like, "How long have you all been standing there?"
"We've been here since you and Spike ran away from everypony, silly!" cried Pinkie Pie.
"So, did you decide yet?" asked Rainbow Dash. The second she brought that up, she and the other ponies started to ask as well. All this pressure would of course result in Twilight crying out in despair, "I can't decide, I just can't. It's important to all of you and I just can't stand to disappoint any of you and giving me gifts and doing me favors won't make any difference, because you're all my friends and I wanna make you all happy and I can't, I just can't!"
As Twilight was being lost in her despair, I said to her friends, "My God, what is wrong with you ponies? You're really that determined to get these stupid tickets that you would put all this pressure on your own friend?!"
"Oh please," said Rainbow Dash, "you would've done the same thing."
"OK, you clearly don't know that much about me if you were to think that I would ever do something as diabolical as putting pressure on my own friends over tickets to some stupid fancy ball."
"It is not 'some stupid fancy ball'," cried Rarity, "it is the Grand Galloping Gala!"
"Yeah, I'd hate to burst your bubble, Rarity, but unless these golden tickets take you to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, I doubt that they're worth the mental scars that you've all probably gave Twilight."
As Twilight finally began to regain a bit of her nerves, she was able to say, "I wish these tickets had never come to me."
I saw this as another opportunity to make another Lord of the Rings reference, so I patted her on the shoulder and said, "So do all who live to see such times."
But sadly, Jonathan had to ruin it by interrupting me, "STOP!STOP! Just stop with the Lord of the Rings references already!"
"But they're so fun and cool to say!" I protested.
"No more Lord of the Rings references!"
"OK, fine." I also added under my breath, "Killjoy."
Jonathan then said to Twilight, "Look, Twilight, if you don't want these tickets so badly, then why don't you just send them back?"
Twilight was then like, "I thought the only way to get rid of them was to destroy them."
"It was not the only way," said Jonathan irritably. "Jeffrie was just reenacting his favorite scenes from Lord of the Rings. Also, if you were to think of it, none of this stress or pressure that you're going through right now would never have happen if Celestia hadn't send you those tickets in the first place."
Spike then said, "So... we should just send them back?"
"Exactly," said Jonathan, "I mean it's a lot smarter than just tossing them in a volcano."
"Speak for yourself, killjoy," I blurted.
Then Jonathan said to me, "Shut up you annoying, son of a...!"
And right when it would seem that we were going to beat the shit out of each other, Fluttershy got in between us, and believe it or not, she actually raised her voice a bit, "Hey, don't make me separate you two!"
I was like, "Well he started it!"
Then Fluttershy started to give me and a Jonathan a typical motherly lecture, "Jeffrie, tell Jonathan you're sorry."
"Jonathan, I'm sorry."
"Good. Now Jonathan, what do you say?"
Jonathan let out a combined sigh and groan and said, "Apology accepted."
"See, that wasn't so hard," said Fluttershy.
After me and Jonathan had made our amends, Andrew whispered to me, "You know if I didn't know any better, I'd say that Fluttershy just made you her bitch." And if you could read me like a book, you would know that I'd stomped on Andrew's toes as a warning to never insult me to my face again.
Twilight was then like, "OK, I forgot what we were talking about."
And then I reminded her, "We were talking about whether you should return those tickets to Celestia."
"So should I return them or not?"
"Yes Twilight, you should return. You should literally just send them back to Celestia and put a note with them that tells her that she should take those tickets and shove 'em up her ass."
Twilight, her friends, and Spike, each had shocked expressions on their faces. Twilight then said, "Well I most certainly won't tell her to do that; but I will send the tickets back to her."
I was then like, "OK, now before you do that, can you teleport us back to our house?"
"Why would you want me to do that?"
"You teleported us to your house, so it should only be fair that you'd teleport us to our house."
Applejack was like, "Can't y'all just walk?"
"We could," I admitted, "but all of that escaping from that mob of ponies has worn us out; in fact, I'm probably tempted to just lie down on the floor right now."
Twilight let out an annoyed sigh and said, "Fine." And then her horn started to glow pink as that pink flash engulfed us again. Then next thing you know, we were back in our house. I let out a whistle and said, "I guess she really can teleport anything."
We were then back where we started from a few minutes earlier; just lying around on the couch, trying to think of something that'll get the boredom out of our systems.
"Any ideas?" Andrew wondered.
That's when I finally came up with an awesome idea. "Hey Jonathan, go get me a Coke."
"Why don't you get it yourself?" he inquired.
"Because one does not simply walk into the kitchen and get a Coke out of the fridge." And what do ya know, that little Lord of the Rings reference had literally drove him crazy. He just jumped off the couch and he started to just run around and incoherently cursed me in Spanish.
"Maldita sea, Jeffrie, ¿por qué siempre tienes que referirte al Señor de los Anillos? ¿Es algún tipo de obsesión tuya por ti? ¿Molestarme constantemente es tu pasatiempo favorito? ¿Cuál es tu maldito trato?"
The tantrum that Jonathan was pitching could literally put Nicolas Cage's tantrums to shame. And so for the rest of the day, me and Andrew just laid back and watch Jonathan do what he does best--which is acting like a drama king.
After that little ticket fiasco, Spike had come over to tell us what happened afterwards. He told us that Twilight did in fact return the tickets to Celestia; but instead of shoving them up her ass, she instead decided to just give tickets to all of Twilight's friends--she even gave a ticket to Spike. When Spike had finished telling us this, he then took out three golden tickets and said, "Celestia wanted you three to have these."
When he handed us the tickets, Andrew was like, "Wait, so Celestia wants us to come to that fancy ball?"
"Yeah," said Spike, "those tickets are pretty much your invitations to the Grand Galloping Gala. You guys are coming, right?"
Jonathan said, "Well if the princess bothered to give us these tickets, I guess we ought to go. Right, guys?"
Andrew then said, "Yeah, I'll go to this little shindig." But I just laid my ticket on the table and said, "Sorry Spike, but I'm gonna have to say no."
"Why?" asked Spike, with sadness in his voice.
"Well for starters fancy parties mean fancy clothing, and I for one like to stick to comfortable clothing. Also, there's a possibility that Celestia just wants me to come so she can strike me in the ass with lightning again."
"Dude, didn't you get back at her for doing that?" Andrew pointed out.
"Yes," I didn't deny, "but that doesn't mean that she's not planning on getting back at me."
"Come on, Jeffrie," Spike pleaded. "Please come as well; I don't want to be the only guy in a group of girls."
"You won't be," I told him. "You'll have Jonathan and Andrew to keep you company."
"Great, just what I need: the snuggle duo."
"What did you call us, dipshit?!" cried Jonathan.
As he rosed up, I grabbed him by the shoulder and sat him back down as I whispered to him, "Jonathan, unless you want to live the rest of your life in a full body cast, you better leave Spike alone." The ground then suddenly started to shake again. Oh God, I thought to myself, this better not be another ticket frenzy! But as I was thinking this, the shaking immediately stopped.
Andrew said, "Wow, that was awfully short compared to yesterday."
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "Well, see ya, guys. Twilight will probably be needing me to help her with something, as always."
After Spike had left, Jonathan said, "Shouldn't we go out and see what all the commotion is all about?" I simply said to him, "Nah, that can wait 'til tomorrow." And with that said, I went to my room and spend the rest of that day surfing the net.
...
The next day, me and the guys were just taking a short walk through Ponyville, and that's when we noticed a huge crowd of ponies gathering at town hall. I noticed that Vinyl Scratch was amongst the crowd, so I walked up to her and said, "Hey, what's everybody gathering around here for?"
She then said to me, "Oh, we're all here to see Applejack get her award."
Andrew then said, "What did she do to get an award?"
And then she told him, "OK, get this, yesterday there was like this cow stampede, and then Applejack comes in and stops them!"
Well, I thought to myself, at least we know what that shaking was all about. Anyway, me and the guys were at the far end of the crowd, but thanks to Twilight's laser eye surgery, we can now see things a hundred percent more clearly than before. Twilight was on a podium giving a speech, but Rainbow Dash interrupted her at the last minute. After that, Twilight tries to continue her speech, but then she gets interrupted by Pinkie Pie. Twilight--yet again--tries to continue her speech, only to be interrupted by Fluttershy. And right when Twilight was finally going to continue her speech, she notices the Mayor standing right beside her; Twilight then just raged quit and got off the podium. Me and the guys laughed a bit and we each thought to ourselves, poor Twilight.
After the Mayor gave a long, boring speech, which would've made Twilight's speech much better by comparison, she presented a big, shiny trophy, and then everybody was waiting for Applejack to come get it. When Applejack finally came to get her trophy, she was acting very weird; She stepped on somebody's tail, she was dropping apples, and when she saw the trophy, she actually called it an "award thingy"
Andrew was like, "Did she just call it an 'award thingy'?"
And I was like, "Yep, apparently the cowgirl that you got the hots for has never heard of the term 'trophy' before."
Oh, and get this, she and Pinkie Pie then looked at each other's reflections and they started to make goofy faces and were saying weird, fucked-up shit like, "Ooo-ooo." Then when Applejack finally took the trophy with her, Andrew said, "What's up with her?"
"I don't know," said Jonathan, "maybe she and Pinkie Pie had marijuana brownies." We then started to laugh at the thought of them doing drugs. I mean could you just imagine a pony doing drugs? HA, HA, HA! I know, right?!
Anyway, let's skip on ahead to three days later.
...
Today seemed to be calm and peaceful; that is until the ground started to shake again! I figured that this one would be as short as the last, but this one however didn't seem to stop. I went out to see what could be causing this stampede, and then I let out a sigh of relief to see that it was only a stampede of rabbits.
After that little rabbit stampede, me and the guys decided to walk a bit--since we've been staying in the house for the past three days. As we were walking along, we each saw Twilight and we decided to go join her.
"Hey Twilight," Jonathan greeted her. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to see Applejack," said Twilight.
Andrew's interest immediately skyrocketed. "What's wrong with her? Does she need help?"
"You bet she does," said Twilight. "She's the whole reason why this stampede started!"
"She started the stampede?!" cried Jonathan.
"Yes, and that's not all; just two days ago she catapulted Rainbow Dash into my house."
"What?!" I cried. "You mean to say that something funny happened to Rainbow Dash and you didn't bother telling me?! Aw man, I would've been laughing my ass off so hard just to see something like this happening to her!"
Twilight looked at me all shocked like and said, "Anyway...she also made these muffins that gave everypony stomach aches."
"And when did that happen?" asked Jonathan.
"Yesterday."
"Why would Applejack be doing all of this?" asked Andrew anxiously.
"Because she's been up all-night bucking apple trees."
"Is that why she was acting so weird when she got that trophy?" I wondered.
"Exactly."
"Phew," Jonathan released his breath, "for a second there I thought she was high."
"Why would she be high?" asked Twilight. "She's an earth pony."
"No, no, no," said Jonathan, "I meant high as in on drugs."
"What are drugs?"
"I'll explain it to you later. But right now, we should focus on helping Applejack."
"Yes, we do need to help her!" Twilight agreed. "But every time I offer my assistance to her, she just says 'NO'!"
"Then maybe you shouldn't be taking no for an answer," I suggested.
"You mean just help her without permission?" asked Twilight.
"Hell yeah I mean 'without permission'. I mean, there's no law that says that we can't do things without permission."
"Actually..." OK, the rest of this conversation is just long filler of Twilight explaining the laws in Equestria. So I'll do you a favor and just skip straight to when we arrived at Sweet Apple Acres.
...
When we finally came to Sweet Apple Acres, we found Applejack snoozing underneath the shade of an apple tree. "Applejack, wake up!" cried Twilight. When Applejack had woken up in a daze, Twilight told her, "Now look, Applejack, I know you don't want help, but you need help!"
"I told ya before," said Applejack in a groggy manner, "and I'll tell ya again. I...DON'T...WANT...HELP!"
"Yes," said Jonathan, "but be that as it may, you're going to need help."
"I don't need help, either!"
"Come on, Applejack," said Andrew. "We're your friends; and friends help each other all the time. So why don't you just give us a chance?"
"I said no!"
"Well too fucking bad!" I cried. "You need help! Because one: you catapulted Rainbow Dash into Twilight's house--despite how hilarious that might've been. Two: you made muffins that gave everybody stomach aches; and they're probably all puking in buckets right about now; buckets, Applejack, BUCKETS! And three: you just caused a rabbit stampede today--I still don't know how it was possible, but you did it. So the long and short of it is you need help!"
"No I don't!" Applejack protested. "I don't need anyponys' help!"
"Well that little 'no means no' bullshit may work on these pansies," I said, "but it won't work on me! I'm going to help you whether you like it or not!"
"You wouldn't dare!" Applejack challenged me.
"Oh yeah, just watch me."
I then walked up to an apple tree, and I spread my hand out. "Don't you dare grab that there apple!" Applejack barked. I then grabbed the apple. "Jeffrie, don't you dare pick it!"
"Well you better come stop me, Applejack," I said teasingly, "I think my hand is slipping."
I then began to slowly pick the apple with only about half of my strength. Applejack was then pleading in a high-pitched voice, "No, Jeffrie, you can't!" and then I picked the apple.
I was like, "Oh look at that, I just picked one of your apples. And now I'm gonna drop it into this here barrel."
I then held the apple over the barrel (preparing to drop it in). Applejack then said, "No, not that!"
I then commenced to dropping this thing, Tweety Bird style. "This little piddy went to market."
"No!"
"This little piddy stayed home."
"Please!"
"This little piddy had roast beef."
"Don't!"
"And this little piddy had..." after I lifted my other finger, the apple had fallen right into the barrel. I then said, "Oh what do ya know, I ran out of piddies." As Applejack just stood there in a stunned manner, I said, "Now I'm gonna pick this one. And this one. And this, and this, and this, and this..."
As I was just picking away, Applejack collapsed to the ground and said, "I give up, go ahead and help me!"
I stopped and said, "Say what now?"
"I need your help," Applejack confessed. "I bet Big Mac that I could harvest all these apples on my own, but I was wrong; please help me."
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I didn't quite catch that."
"Please help me."
"A little louder."
"PLEASE HELP ME!"
With that said I patted her on the shoulder and said, "That'll do, Applejack. That'll do." I heard her the first time, I was just milking it in. As Twilight was taking Applejack back to her house to rest, Andrew said to me, "Gees Jeffrie, did you really have to go that hard on her?"
To this I said, "Well, maybe if you had grown a pair of balls and stopped being so damn soft on her, then I wouldn't have to be so hard on her, would I?"
...
A few hours later, after me, the guys, and all of Applejack's friends came and helped her harvest the apple trees, she thanked us by giving us apple juice--but I didn't drink it because I just don't like apple juice. Spike then came with a plate full of muffins; Pinkie Pie said, "Eeew...Spike, I threw those all away. Where did you get them?"
Then Spike said, "From the trash."
Then the ponies were like, "EW!" while me and the guys were just laughing away.
Rarity was like, "That's not funny, that's gross!"
"He's a boy," I said, "boys do plenty of gross things. That's why we're called boys and not girls."
Jonathan then asked Pinkie, "Also, why would you throw these muffins away?"
Then she told him, "Because those are the same muffins that gave everypony those stomach aches."
Andrew then said, "If those are the muffins that Applejack made, then how come Spike isn't sick?"
"I'm a dragon," Spike clarified, "I can eat anything--including gems." He then extended his plate and said, "Want one?"
These muffins might give us stomach aches, but if it grosses those ponies out, then we were willing to take that risk. So as me and the guys grabbed a muffin, we made each of the ponies watch as we stuffed our faces with garbage infected muffins. This grossed them out of course, but that is the typical reaction that a girl gets from seeing a guy be a guy. And it would seem that we each did the most badass thing ever--but in a few minutes, we were probably going to regret that.
Remember when I said that we were going to regret eating those muffins? Well, after me and the guys had return to our house, we were beginning to feel the effects of those muffins. Although, we each seemed to have had different side effects: Jonathan would be vomiting every twenty minutes, Andrew would be having diarrhea every ten minutes, and as for me...well it definitely wasn't anything like what the guys were having. I don't know exactly what I was having, but for some reason I was too weak to even get out of bed, my whole body felt warm, and my voice began to crack a little. So it was safe to say that I got the worst of it.
All of this may seem bad at first, but the one good thing about all of this was that Fluttershy got to take care of me. And I'm not kidding, she was literally in the middle of grooming Angel when she heard about me being sick--and I can only imagine how pissed that furry little bastard must've been when she ditched him.
Anyway, when Fluttershy did come to take care of me, she was doing the usual thing that anyone does to someone who's sick. She put a thermometer in my mouth, an ice pack on my head--she even put an extra blanket on my bed. When she checked my temperature, she said, "Oh my, you're really burning up!"
I then said in my cracked-up voice, "Really? I didn't notice."
"At least now you'll think twice before eating something out of the trash."
"Yeah, but it was worth grossing you girls out." Fluttershy seemed to have been offended by that, and she would've been long gone if I hadn't said, "Fluttershy, wait." I don't know what was getting into me, but for some reason I didn't want her to leave my sight.
As she stood by the door, she said, "Yes?"
I then decided to let her know how grateful I am. "Thanks for coming on short notice."
She then flew over and gave me a hug. "There's no need to thank me, I always help my friends when they need me." Then as she flew to the door, she said, "Now you just stay right in bed and get plenty of rest; your fever should wear off in a week." And with that said she walked out of the door and went back to her cottage. After she had left, the guys came in and did some more cracks about me and her being together--and they were lucky that I was too weak to get off this bed and shove both their heads in the toilet.
...
A week later, our fevers had finally worn off; Jonathan didn't have to puke anymore, Andrew didn't have to constantly shit, and I got my strength and deep, manly voice back. As we were playing a Call of Duty game (they're all basically the same if you ask me), there came a knock on the door. I went up to see who it was. When I opened the door, there stood Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie with a pickle jar.
"What is it?" I asked them.
Then Pinkie said, "Me and Rainbow Dash were wondering if you could help open this jar for us."
As I took the jar in my grasp, I noticed that Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were both chuckling for some reason. And that's when it came to me that this was just a prank. So as I slowly twisted the top, I quickly aimed the jar at them and let out the little fake snakes that were stuffed in there. As I saw them jump back in fright, I said to myself, "Old gag, new twist."
Rainbow Dash was like, "How did you see that coming?"
"I'm the prank master," I said, "I know a prank when I see it. And it'll take a long time for anyone to out prank me."
"So you're saying that you can do better pranks than us?" said Rainbow Dash.
"I'm the guy who made Andrew wear a dress, remember? In fact, I'll just show you what I can do."
I took them all to Twilight's place. There, I asked Spike for another one of those muffins (and it just happens that he had the last one). As I held the muffin in my hand, Pinkie Pie said, "What're you gonna do with that?"
"You'll see." When Derpy just happen to have flown by, I shouted, "Hey Derpy, you want this muffin?"
She then stopped flying for a second and just swooped down and took the muffin. As she was flying away, she cried out, "Thank you!"
I then turned to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash and said, "And that is why I'm the prank master."
Rainbow Dash was then like, "OK, me and Pinkie are gonna go prank Fluttershy now. So..."
"You better not prank her!" I shouted.
Rainbow Dash was then like, "And why not?"
I then grabbed her and said, "You even think about pulling a prank on her, then I'll shove you in this pickle jar!" and with that said, I gave them back their jar and I went straight to the house.
Rainbow Dash said to Pinkie, "Gees, since when did he care about anypony?"
Then Pinkie told her, "Well, if somepony you knew took care of you when you were sick, wouldn't you be nicer to them?"
"I guess so."
...
A couple of days later, me and Jonathan were just lying on the couch, watching a Game of Thrones episode. As Khal Drogo was about to pour molten gold on Viserys, Andrew came bursting in and said, "Hey guys, we've just been invited to some party Pinkie Pie's throwing."
Jonathan asked me, "Should we go?"
I then told him, "Ah what the Hell? We can watch fantasy-violence and sex some other time." So I turned off the TV, and then we went on to Sugarcube Corner to attend Pinkie's party.
When we came to Sugarcube Corner, we were standing at the exact same spot as before. I had a can of Coke in my hand, and I just chilled with the guys. Then out of nowhere we started to hear somebody scream. And that somebody turned out to just be a gryphon. For those of you who don't know, a gryphon is a mythical creature that's part eagle and part lion. This particular gryphon was raising its voice at Pinkie Pie, but then Rainbow Dash came and started to yell at the gryphon.
When Pinkie came by, I asked her, "Hey Pinkie, what's up with the gryphon?"
Then she said, "Oh that's just Gilda; she's Rainbow Dash's old friend. But she's also a big meanie."
"Oh please," said Jonathan, "If there's one thing I know, it's that there's nobody who's meaner than Jeffrie."
"Why was she screaming?" asked Andrew.
"Because she thought that I was responsible for these pranks, but now she's realizing that it was actually Rainbow Dash who was behind them," Pinkie explained.
"So what makes this three-foot chicken so mean, exactly?" I asked.
"Well for starters," said Pinkie Pie, "she's trying to get in between mine and Rainbow Dash's new friendship."
"OK," I said in a not-so-caring manner.
"Don't you care?" asked Pinkie.
"Nope, not really," I took a sip of my Coke, "but do keep telling me."
"Well, she also used her tail to make Granny Smith sneeze."
"That's just a harmless prank; and I should know, because I do them on Andrew all the time."
As I took another sip of my Coke, Andrew said under his breath, "Harmless my ass!"
And then Pinkie continued, "She also stole an apple."
"So what?" I said dismissively. "I used to steal tons of things when I was six. And I was a good thief, too. I can steal anything and never get caught."
To this, Jonathan said, "It's true, he can do that."
As I took a big gulp of the Coke, Pinkie Pie then told me, "Well, I hope I didn't have to tell you this, but," she made a big sigh and said, "she also bumped into Fluttershy on purpose and yelled at her!"
After hearing that sentence, I spat the Coke on Andrew and I started to cough! Rainbow Dash stopped her yelling and she, Gilda, and all the other ponies turned and stared at me. After I've stopped coughing, I said to Pinkie Pie, "What did you say?!"
When she noticed all the ponies staring at us, she leaned in and whispered, "When Fluttershy was walking her ducks, Gilda bumped into her and just yelled at her for no reason."
I then gave Gilda an angry glare as I called Fluttershy over. "Why is he staring at me like that?" Gilda said to herself. When Fluttershy came over, I whispered to her, "Did that gryphon yell at you?"
She then started to tear up a bit as she told me, "Yes, she did! And I don't know why she would do such a thing; I was just walking my ducks' home and then she comes out of nowhere and roars at me!"
"WHAT?!" as the crowd started to look scared, I was like, "Oh that is it!" and as I walked forward--with the guys walking beside me--the ponies began to clear away for me to give that bitch a piece of my mind. "Hey birdbrain!" I said to Gilda. "Now you listen to me and you listen good; you can make Granny Smith sneeze, steal apples, and even come between Pinkie Pie's and Rainbow Dash's newfound friendship. But when you bump into Fluttershy, and yell at her for no fucking reason, then you have gone too damn far! You go apologize to her right now!"
Normally I wouldn't care about any of these ponies' problems, but if that problem involves Fluttershy, then that's different. Anyway, as I waited for Gilda to apologize, she just looks at me all smug like and says, "Hey, don't blame this on me; that dweeb should've looked where she was going!"
"How dare you," I cried. "She is a nice lady; and I should know, because that so called 'dweeb' over there, took care of me when I was sick. And if you think that I'm just gonna let some feather-brained bitch like you get away with treating nice people like her like crap, then you got another thing coming! I'm not gonna count to three--Hell, I'm not even gonna count to one! You will tell Fluttershy you're sorry, or so help me God, I will pluck out every single last fucking feather on your body!"
Jonathan then said to her, "I'd do as he says if I were you."
And then Andrew added, "Trust us, you don't want to fuck around with him when he's that pissed."
Instead of apologizing to Fluttershy like I told her, she instead says, "I'll do whatever I want, when I want to, and no two-legged, tail-less, fleshy, mutated monkey, is going to tell me how to treat any dweeb I come across!"
Andrew was then like, "Ooh, now you've done it."
And I was like, "Oh no you didn't, no you didn't, NO YOU DIDN'T! That's it, bitch; you have just brought down the thunder, and you have left me with no other choice but to do this."
"And what's that?" she asked.
"Gilda, I challenge you to a yo mama battle, right here, right now!"
Everybody was gasping in surprise, except for Spike. He said, "OK, I'm confused. What's a yo mama battle?"
Andrew explained to him, "It's when two people try to come up with insults about one another's mothers."
And I added, "Yeah, and you only have ten seconds to come up with an insult. If you can't think of one in ten seconds, then you lose. In fact, let's make this more interesting." I then announced to all the ponies, "Whoever loses has to leave Ponyville and never return!"
Everybody was now gasping in shock! Twilight was like, "Don't do it, Jeffrie! That's probably what she wants you to do!"
I turned to her and said, "Relax, Twilight, I got this."
Fluttershy then said, "But what if you don't win?! What if we never get to see you again?!"
"None of that is going to happen," I assured her. "I maybe a lot of things; but if there's one thing I'm not, it's a loser." I then turned back to Gilda, "Now here's the deal: if I win, then you have to leave Ponyville and never show your fucking face here again."
"And what if I win?"
"If you win, then I'll leave and I'll give you my house."
This caused Jonathan to hiss to my ear, "Jeffrie, you better win this, I shit you not!"
"Really?" said Gilda, raising an eyebrow. "You're willing to give up your own house?"
"Shake on it?" I said as I extended my hand. When Gilda shook it, she said, "Good luck," she then pulled me forward and added, "You're gonna need it!" but as she was about to let go, I pulled her forward, tightened my grip, and said, "Not as much as you, birdbrain!" and with that said, I released my grip on Gilda's claw/talon thing and we started the battle.
"Yo mama's so ugly," I started, "that people dress up like her for Halloween!" this made Andrew and Jonathan go, "Ooo," except for the ponies--apparently, they never heard of Halloween before.
Gilda was beginning to understand the concept of this game as she said, "Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't pass a blood test!" this time the ponies did go, "Ooo," (at least they know what a blood test is).
I then said, "Yo mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry!" this made everybody laugh.
To that, Gilda said, "Yo mama's so ugly, she turned a cockatrice to stone!"
"Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!"
"Yo mama's..."
I then interrupted her, "Yo mama's so stupid, she cheated on Derpy's test!" Derpy was somewhere in the crowd shouting "Woo-hoo!" but then she dunked her head back in a barf bag and commenced to vomiting--apparently the effect of that muffin was finally getting to her.
Gilda was surprised by this sudden interruption and was like, "Well, yo mama's..."
But I interrupted her again; only this time I was up in her face, looking down at her as she was lying down, trembling, as she looked up at me. "Yo mama's so ugly, she looked at a mirror and it shattered!"
Gilda then began to get nervous as she stuttered, "Yeah, w-well, y-y-yo mama's s-so..."
But now I finally got her in my trap, and I was going for the kill! I'm about to finish that Kentucky Fried Chicken bitch off with the mother of all yo mama insults! I'm going to take three insults and combine them into one big insult! I then said, "Yo mama, is sooooo ugly, I said she's sooooo ugly, that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares, the kidnappers from Taken wouldn't want to take her away, and the sight of her makes Justin Bieber go 'EW'!"
Gilda was now sweating up a storm; she just stood there as she repeated, "Uh-uh-uh!"
Then I told her, "Tick-tock, Gilda, you only got ten seconds." Me and the guys started to count, "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1!" and when we reached zero, I cried, "Oh yeah, I won! Play my victory song, Jonathan!" he then took out his iPod and he played "We Are The Champions"
After it was over, I walked up to Gilda and said, "Time's up, bitch, you lost! Now you gotta fly the coop."
"B-b-but..."
"No buts!" I cried. "We had a deal: whoever lost has to leave Ponyville, forever."
"B-b-but..."
Pinkie Pie then pops out of nowhere and said to Gilda in a somewhat creepy tone, "FOREVER!" and then she hid behind the crowd very slowly.
Before Gilda left, I said, "Hold on there, Ernie."
"What now?!"
"Before you go start your next round with Peter Griffin, I believe you still owe my friend an apology."
"Seriously, you still want me to apologize to that dweeb?"
I was getting sick and tired of that bitch thinking she can get away from what she did to Fluttershy! So I quickly grabbed a bottle, smashed it against a table, then I grabbed Gilda in a headlock, and I pointed the broken bottle right at her face! "Tell Fluttershy you're sorry or I'll gouge one of your fucking eyes out!"
Gilda suddenly transformed from a smug bitch to a terrified little girl the moment I held that broken glass in front of her face. "OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"You're sorry for what?!"
"I'm sorry for bumping into you; I should've watched where I was going!"
"And?!"
"And I'm also sorry for raising my voice at you; I should've used my inside voice!"
That's when Jonathan cried, "Oh my God, she wet herself!"
I looked down and I saw the little puddle of urine that was under Gilda's feet. I was like, "Aw, does Polly want a diaper?" and then me and the guys just had to laugh! After I got that out of my system, I held Gilda up to my face, and I told her as I held the broken bottle up in her face, "Let's get one thing clear, bitch. When I say that you'll leave forever, I mean you'll leave forever. I don't want to see you flying over here, I don't want to see you setting a single foot on here, and I most certainly damn well don't want to see you anywhere near Fluttershy, again! If I do, then I'll rip your fucking head off, mount it on my fucking wall, and then me and my friends will have the rest of your body for Thanksgiving. YOU GOT THAT BITCH?!"
She nodded her head in a rapid pace and I released her. But before she left, I told her, "Oh, and one last thing. Yo mama's so ugly, she entered an ugly contest but was cast away because the judges told her," I then got really close to her face and said, "'Sorry...NO PROFESSIONALS!"
After I gave her a big dose of her own medicine, she then flew away crying like the little bitch that see is. I then cried out to her, "Yeah you better fly away, and don't let me catch you here again, or it's gryphon season for you!"
Jonathan then said to the others, "Like I said, 'nobody is meaner than Jeffrie'."
"It wasn't that mean," Fluttershy insisted. "In fact, it's actually kinda sweet." When I walked back in, she told me, "Thanks for standing up for me."
And I told her, "It's the least I could do."
...
As I was walking back home that night, Twilight had followed me and said, "Jeffrie, I don't believe it. How were you able to do that?"
"Do what?"
"Defend Fluttershy the way you did just earlier."
"Oh that, well...it's in my nature."
"What does that mean?" I then took this time to tell her the story of the scorpion and the frog (although, I personally prefer the Robot Chicken version). After I finished explaining to her, she said, "So what is your nature exactly?"
And I told her, "To defend people like Fluttershy against people like Gilda."
The next day, me and the guys were walking around all over Ponyville to see if that Gilda bitch was still around. As we were walking by Sugarcube Corner, Jonathan decided that now is the time for him to complain. "Jeffrie, why are we doing this?"
"To see if our Thanksgiving dinner has come early," I told him.
"Do we really have to do this?" asked Andrew.
"Well it's definitely better than lying around in the house all day," I pointed out.
"If somebody asks us what we're doing, what should we tell 'em?" asked Jonathan.
And then I told him, "If anyone asks, we're just say that we're hunting rabbits." Andrew then did an impersonation of Elmer Fudd, and we just had to laugh.
...
We've been searching for hours; we've searched Sugarcube Corner, Sweet Apple Acres, the Ponyville Schoolhouse, Carousel Boutique, Twilight's place, and Fluttershy's cottage. After all of that hard work, Andrew said, "Jeffrie, do you think we can take a break now?"
"Sure," I said, "I'm getting thirsty anyway."
As we were walking back to the house, we saw a bunch of ponies gathering around some kind of stage/cart. "What do ya suppose is happening over there?" said Jonathan.
"Don't know, don't care," I said. As I was continuing to walk, I looked back and noticed that the guys were going towards the stage. "Oh come on guys, I'm thirsty!" as much as I wanted to quench my thirst, that was going to have to wait for a while.
When I caught up to the guys, I noticed that Twilight, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, were amongst the crowd as well. Jonathan said to Twilight, "So what's going on?"
Then she told him, "I don't know; Spike and I just got here."
We then heard some voice say, "Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of The Great & Powerful Trixie!" then out of nowhere comes this blue pony with white hair, wearing a wizard cape and hat. She then continued her announcement. "Watch in awe as The Great & Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!" then a bunch of fireworks started to go off and she started to perform some simple magic tricks.
While she was doing this, Andrew was like, "Oh, it's a magic show."
Rarity then said, "My, my, my! What boasting!"
I then turned to her and said, "What're you talking about? All magicians are like this."
Rarity then said, "Well just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic, it does not make one better than the rest of us."
"She never mentioned anything about being better than any of you," I pointed out, "she just said that she'll perform magic tricks."
To this, Rainbow Dash said, "Well there's performing, and then there's just plain showing off."
"Again, she's a magician," I reminded her, "she's supposed to be doing this." And just who the Hell are you calling a showoff?!
Applejack then said, "It's one thing ta be doin' what yer suppose ta be doin', but it's completely different when somepony acts all superior."
Trixie must've been overhearing this, because she suddenly stopped performing her tricks and said, "Well, well, well, it seems we have neighsayers in the audience." And I'm not kidding when I tell you that she literally neighed as she said "neighsayers" and boy did me and the guys tried our best not to laugh out loud! "Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of The Great & Powerful Trixie? Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?"
Well, I thought to myself, somebody certainly has a high opinion of herself. Rainbow Dash then flew up to her and said, "So, Great & Powerful Trixie, what makes you think you're so awesome, anyway?"
Then Trixie said, "Heh, why only The Great & Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded Ursa Major!" An Ursa what now? Me and the guys both had that some thought in our heads; more fireworks started to go off, only this time it was depicting Trixie fighting this so called "Ursa Major"
"When all hope was lost," said Trixie, "the ponies of Hoofington had no one to turn to, but The Great & Powerful Trixie stepped in, and with her awesome magic, she vanquished the Ursa Major and sent it back to its cave deep within the Everfree Forest!"
"What the Hell is that thing?" I said to the guys.
"I don't know," said Andrew, "but it kinda looks like a giant beaver."
"So she's basically telling everyone that she defeated a giant beaver?" said Jonathan.
"Maybe it was an angry beaver," I suggested. And then me and the guys just had to laugh at that little reference I just made.
Our laughter had caught the attention of "The Great & Powerful" Trixie, and she said to us, "Well, look who's come to witness The Great & Powerful Trixie's show; it's our three visitors who fell out of the sky. Are you three enjoying the..." she then stopped in mid-sentence the second she laid eyes on Jonathan. When she saw him, the pupils in her eyes literally turned into pink hearts, and she just stood there staring at him.
I then snapped her out of this love-struck trance she was in and said, "Yeah, sorry to interrupt your little awkward moment there, but would you mind explaining to me about this Ursa Major thing?"
She took her gaze off of Jonathan for a bit and said, "Oh that's right, you're new here. An Ursa Major is basically a giant, bear-like creature." She then leaned closer towards Jonathan, and she whispered to him, "I vanquished one, ya know. Wink!" And then she made that little giggle that girls like to do when they have a crush on a guy.
I then started push her away from Jonathan as I told her, "OK, show a little respect for my friend's personal space."
Trixie then backed away a bit as she announced to the crowd, "Anyway, as you can all see, The Great & Powerful Trixie is clearly the best in Ponyville." And then what followed next was a random cricket sound effect going on as everybody in the crowd stood in silence. Trixie then broke that silence, "Don't believe The Great & Powerful Trixie? Well then, I hereby challenge you Ponyvillians. Anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone? Hmm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived?!" and as you might've guessed, a bunch of fireworks started to go off again. I seriously don't know whether she's more obsessed with fireworks or speaking in the third person. Are these just her two personal fetishes? Anyway, she then called out, "Hmm, how about, you!" she then pointed at someone; we all turned around and realized that it was Twilight she was pointing at! "Well, how about it? Is there anything you can do that The Great & Powerful Trixie can't?"
Well she can speak in the first person, for starters. I thought to myself; as much as I wanted to say that joke out loud, I was too busy thinking about how awesome this fight could be. I mean, Twilight vs. Trixie just might be the next Freddy vs. Jason or Alien vs. Predator.
But that fantasy match might have to be put on hold for a while. Because while Twilight just stood there, stuttering like Porky Pig, Applejack stepped in and accepted Trixie's challenge. Applejack got on that stage and showed Trixie just how good she is with her lasso. After she had shown Trixie what she's made of, Andrew started to cheer, "All right Applejack, woo!"
I then blurted out, "Kiss ass!"
And then he turned to me and shouted, "You suck!"
After that, Trixie used her unicorn magic to tie Applejack's legs with her own lasso and shoved an apple in her mouth. Then Rainbow Dash decided to challenge her; she flew into a bunch of clouds and came back down with a little rainbow over her head. But Trixie then used her unicorn magic to turn that rainbow into a tornado, practically making mincemeat out of Rainbow Dash, and--to add insult to injury--she had a little thunder cloud strike her in the ass with lightning.
Oh yeah, the old strike a person in the ass with lightning gag. Because it was so funny when Celestia was doing it to me...I of course am saying this sarcastically because it was in fact not funny! In fact, since I brought this up, I like to take this time to address to whoever's reading this. The second you read that sentence on Trixie striking Rainbow Dash in the ass with lightning, you weren't thinking about those two, were you? No, you were actually thinking about Celestia doing that to me. And I bet that you're sitting at your computer, laughing your ass off at the thought of it. Well, if you're reading this and doing the two things that I've just mentioned, then you better ripe that smirk off your face and think of something else! I maybe a billion miles away from where you are, but I can still haunt you in your dreams for the rest of your life just as much as Freddy Krueger. So don't you ever have that thought in your head again, and believe me, I'll know when you're having that thought in your head!
OK, now that that's been taken care of, let's get back to the story. After Trixie had humiliated Applejack and Rainbow Dash--which doesn't make much sense because she stated before that she wanted to prove that she's better than everyone, and yet all she's done is humiliate them. In fact, I just noticed something; these ponies seem to have a hard time making up their damn minds. First Trixie wants to perform tricks in front of everybody, and then everybody assumes that she's being a showoff. Then Trixie wants to prove she's better than everyone, and yet all she's done is pretty much show what an absolute bitch she is. Do they just always like to say that they're going to do one thing and then just randomly do something else at the last minute?
Well as much as I like to get in thought with this, I still have a story to tell. So anyway, it was Rarity who would become Trixie's next victim. Rarity used her unicorn magic to take some stage curtain and turned it into another one of her fancy dresses. And if you were thinking that Trixie was going to do something like that, and actually try to prove that she's better, then you're going to be sadly disappointed. No, she instead uses her unicorn magic to turn Rarity's mane into what appears to be some kind of green birds' nest.
And boy, was Rarity frantic or what?! "What did she do to my mane? I know she did something. What did she do?!"
Jonathan then said, "You don't wanna know."
"How bad is it?" asked Rarity.
"Well, on a scale of one to ten," said Jonathan, "it's a one hundred."
Rarity of course had to run out of the scene in the most over-dramatic way she could think of, as we all stood in silence. Then when I felt that the silence had gone long enough, I decided to break it by uttering what might be considered one of the most obvious ugly jokes ever. I said out loud, "Paper or plastic?" now before you say anything, just remember that I gave up the chance to say that first person joke earlier. So I had to make up for that missed opportunity somehow.
And I'm not lying, but the only one who was laughing at that joke was Trixie. But is it really worth it? I mean, it's like giving a big speech in front of everybody, and the only one's clapping for you are that one group of people who'll just give you a bad image. Anyway, Trixie was like, "Oh, that's a good one! 'Paper or plastic?', now that's funny! Let's give a big round of applause for Mr. Comedy and his two sidekicks!"
Andrew whispered to Jonathan, "Did she just call us his sidekicks?"
And as much as I would like to agree with that statement, it still doesn't change the fact that she's a complete bitch! I mean my God, I've only just met her and already I can't stand her! And I thought Gilda was a bitch; and I'll go so far as to say that Trixie is more of a bitch than Gilda--and that's saying a lot! Hell, I'm surprised that her name isn't The Obnoxious & Unbearable Trixie!
So as you can probably imagine by now, me, the guys, and even Spike, were just begging Twilight to show that bitch who's boss. "Come on, Twilight," Spike begged, "show her what you're made of."
"What do you mean? I'm nothing special," Twilight denied.
"Yes you are!" cried Spike. "You're better than her!"
"Spike's right, Twilight," Andrew agreed, "your magic is way more powerful than hers."
"Who me?" Twilight feigned ignorance. "I'm just your run-of-the-mill citizen of Ponyville. No powerful magic here."
It was now Jonathan's turn to try to talk some sense to her. "What're you talking about? Of course you have powerful magic, you represent the Element of Magic for Christ's sake."
"What, me? Don't be ridiculous; that can't possibly be me."
"Actually it is, Twilight," I said. "You told us yourself."
"When did I ever tell you three that I represented the Element of Magic?"
"Oh I don't know," I said, "maybe it was during that one time when you magically teleported us away from those ticket-crazed ponies! And then after that you briefly mentioned that you represent the Element of Magic and teleported us back to our house! Ring any bells?!"
"Uh...I don't know what you're talking about."
Then out of nowhere, Trixie says, "It appears that The Great & Powerful Trixie is too much for this pony to handle."
No, but you're definitely too much for my patience to handle! I thought to myself. I then said to Twilight, "Look Twilight, you might not know this, but this bitch is really pissing me off. That, and she just publicly humiliated your own friends. Aren't ya gonna go defend their honor? You know, like any other good friend would do?"
And you're not gonna believe this, but instead of defending her friends' honor, she says, "Yeah, and let everypony think that I'm a showoff? Get real, Jeffrie."
"But technically you wouldn't be a showoff," Andrew stated. "You would actually be someone who stands up for her friends."
"No Andrew," said Twilight, "if I show everypony my magic, then they'll think that I'm just as much of a showoff as she is."
I then said to Twilight, "Newsflash, Twilight, everybody already knows that you can do magic! I mean my God, it's no secret that you can do magic. We've seen you do this before; so it's really kinda pointless for you to be keeping something a secret, if everybody already knows the secret!"
"I just can't do this," cried Twilight. "If I do, then everypony will hate me!"
"Who the fuck cares whether they'll approve of you or not?!" I let out my full irritation. "Your reputation is not the priority here; it's your friends' pride and honor that's the real priority! So why don't you just get your little pony ass up on that stage and show that bitch who's boss?!"
"What part of 'I can't do this' don't you understand?!"
"Jesus Christ, Twilight, what's to worry?! It's the Element of Magic vs. The Fake Wizard with the big fat mouth!"
Trixie then said to me, "What did you call me?!"
I turned to Trixie and said, "You heard me; you're a Fake Wizard with a big fat mouth!"
She became very angry and said, "How dare you insult The Great & Powerful Trixie?!"
"You haven't done anything that proves that you're any of the two things that you claim to be," I shouted back to her. "All you've done was prove just what a complete bitch you are!"
"Are you saying that you wish to come forth and challenge The Great & Powerful Trixie?"
"Fine, I'll challenge you. If she won't defend her friends' honor," I was referring to Twilight, "then I might as well do it for her."
As I got up on that stage, Fluttershy said to me, "Be careful, Jeffrie, she might do something much worse to you."
"Don't worry," I assured her, "if I could make a gryphon wet herself, then I can take on a Fake Wizard."
As Trixie and I stood on that stage and looked at each other face to face, she said to me, "So what will it be, Mr. Comedy? Will it be more comic relief? Because The Great & Powerful Trixie will be in need of a laugh after she's finished with you."
"You want a joke?" I said. "OK, I got one just for you. What did the five fingers say to the face?"
"The Great & Powerful Trixie does not know."
Then when she least expected it, I quickly slapped her across the face and cried, "SLAP!" while the ponies were gasping in shock, the guys were like, "Oh snap!"
After she had taken that powerful blow to the face, she was like, "How dare you strike The Great & Powerful Trixie?!"
"Will you stop speaking in the third person, already?!" I cried. "I mean why can't you just say 'I' and 'me' like everybody else? What, did 'I' and 'me' kill your parents? Did 'I' and 'me' steal your lunch money? Did 'I' and 'me' post nude pictures of you on Facebook? What? WHAT?!"
"The Great & Powerful Trixie does not see why she can't present herself in any way she chooses."
"Also, what is with these titles that you keep giving yourself? I mean you don't see me calling myself The Smart & Incredibly Handsome Jeffrie." This little remark had earned myself a laugh from the guys. I turned to them and said, "Hey guys, The Smart & Incredibly Handsome Jeffrie wants to get a drink!" they laughed some more.
Jonathan then said, "The Cool & Really Sexy Jonathan now wants to take a nap!" this made me laugh along with them.
And then Andrew said, "The Awesome & Very Muscular Andrew now wants to take a dump!" and we just could not control our laughter any further.
Trixie was then like, "What does any of this have to do with challenging The Great & Powerful Trixie?"
"None," I said, "I just wanted to fuck with you a bit. But if it's a challenge you want, then it's a challenge you'll get." I then turned to the audience. "Can anyone get me a glass of water?" I waited a bit for someone to get me a glass of water, but no one did. "Come on, I need a glass of water for the challenge. Chop, chop!" a pink flash then popped over my hand, and in my clutches, I held a glass of water. I knew that it was Twilight who did it, so I called out to her, "Thanks for getting me this glass of water, by using your magic that everybody knows about!" she then backed away from embarrassment. That'll teach her to not stand up for her friends. As I held the glass of water in my hand, I said to Trixie, "OK, here's your challenge: turn this glass of water into wine."
Trixie was then like, "Pray tell, what is this wine that you speak of?"
Oh my God; first they don't know about E-mail, then internet, then Star Wars, then movies, then TV, and now they don't even know about wine! I then vaguely explained to her, "It's a purple drink; now can you do it or not?" she seemed a bit hesitant--despite the fact that she was so confident before. "Well, aren't you're gonna do it?" she didn't respond. "I thought you're supposed to be 'Great & Powerful'; because if you were, then this ought to be nothing but child's play for you."
She then finally said, "Of course Trixie is Great & Powerful! It's just..."
"Just what?" I interrupted her. "Is it because you can't do it?! Yeah, that's it. Maybe you're not as Great & Powerful as you claim yourself to be; maybe you're just a big fat phony. 'The Great & Powerful Trixie', more like The--Not So--Great & Powerful Trixie if you ask me!"
Her face then began to turn red as she cried out, "The Great & Powerful Trixie will show you!" she then fired a light-pink flash at the glass, and next thing you know the water turns purple. "Ah-ha! You see, The Great & Powerful Trixie can do anything!"
I then decided to burst her bubble. "Whoa, hold your horses there, missy." I then chuckled a bit after making that horse pun. "Get it, because you're a horse?" after minutes of none of the ponies laughing, I then said, "Anyway, this may look like wine. But does it taste like wine?" any ounce of confidence that she had was now suddenly gone the second I asked her this. "I'll be the judge of that." After I'd taken a sip of the wine, I immediately started to laugh.
"What's so funny?" asked Trixie.
"This isn't wine," I told her while laughing, "this is grape juice! What a dumbass!" I turned to the guys and cried out, "She turned the water into grape juice!" it made Andrew laugh, but for some reason, Jonathan was the only one not laughing. But I ignored that and said, "Some Great & Powerful wizard; she can't even turn water into wine!"
Trixie was then like, "Just what in Equestria is wine, anyway?!"
I then told her, "It's grape juice mixed with alcohol! I can taste the grape juice, but where's the alcohol?!" I'm just gonna have to assume that these ponies don't know what alcohol is, either. Anyway, I then said to Trixie, "OK, you've done your little magic trick, now it's my turn." I then announced to the crowd, "Be amazed, as The Smart & Incredibly Handsome Jeffrie makes this grape juice disappear before your very eyes!" I then made a ghost like ooing sound to make it feel mystical. I was then like, "Are you all watching? That's it, watch this." Then as quick as a flash, I splattered the grape juice all over Trixie's face! I was then like, "Look at that, the glass is empty! How did I do that?" as Trixie's back was turned, I then said, "Now watch as I make this glass disappear." And then I bashed it on her head!
I heard Andrew shouting, "Ooh, this shit just got real!"
As Trixie was regaining her consciousness, I quickly grabbed her wizard hat and cried, "Oh, I got your hat! I got your hat, bitch!"
Trixie was then like, "Give The Great & Powerful Trixie her hat back!"
Before I was even contemplating doing just that, I decided to have some more fun with her. "Oh Trixie, I think your hat got dirty. Here, let me fix that." I then started to twist it.
"Stop that!" cried Trixie.
"You're absolutely right, Trixie," I said. "Twisting won't help; let's do something else." I then placed the hat on the ground, and I began to stomp it like a campfire.
"Stop this at once!" Trixie roared.
I then picked the hat up and said, "You know what, I think this hat needs a good ole spit shine." I then began to cough up a great big loogie.
As the loogie was slowly dripping from my mouth, Trixie was like, "Don't you dare! I swear to Celestia if you spit on that hat, The Great & Powerful Trixie will..." and that's when the loogie touched the hat.
As all the ponies in the audience were crying, "EW!" I was like, "There, now it's all clean."
Trixie then said through clenched teeth, "Return The Great & Powerful Trixie's hat to her, now!"
"OK, you can have it back." Right when she was about to take it, I raised my arm up and said, "Of course it's all the way up here." So yeah, I was pretty much doing the same thing I did to Angel. Only this time I was tossing it back and forth to the guys. We just tossed that thing back and forth for God knows how long, and boy was Trixie really getting pissed. All of that soon came to an end however, when Andrew had tossed the hat to Jonathan. And this resulted in Trixie pouncing on him, her being on top of him, and the both of them touching each other's noses.
When Jonathan had given the hat back to her, she was like, "Oh, uh...thanks." And I'm not kidding with you, but she literally started to blush (she must really have a thing for drama kings).
When she got off of him, he went up to me and said, "Jeffrie, can we just go back to the house now?"
And then I told him, "Sure, I've had enough fun and I still need a drink." So as we were walking back to our house, I flipped Trixie the bird and said, "Later, phony-pony."
...
When we had finally returned to the house, we each grabbed ourselves a can of Coke, laid our asses on the couch, and we just talked about all that had transpired today. "Man, I can't believe that Twilight would just do this. I mean, isn't she supposed to be the one encouraging everyone on the values of friendship? She doesn't even give a shit when her own friends have been humiliated."
"Yeah, I still don't get why Twilight would just do nothing about all that," said Jonathan.
"Well at least I was able to show that 'Great & Powerful' bitch who's boss."
"Yeah, you definitely did just that," Andrew agreed.
Jonathan however said, "Yeah, no offense, but you might've over did it a bit."
I looked at him and said, "What're you saying?"
Then he gave me his reasons. "Well, I'm just saying that you might've gone a bit too far when you were 'showing her who's boss'."
As he took a gulp of his Coke, I then said, "You like her, don't you?"
He then spat out his Coke and was like, "What?! No, I never said that!"
"Well you might not like her," I said, "but she definitely likes you."
"Yeah, I have to agree with Jeffrie," Andrew joined in, "she really made it clear that she's got the hots for you."
"And just what did she do that made it seem that she has a crush on me?"
I then went over the list. "Well let's see, she was checking you out the second she noticed you, she giggled at you, and she even blushed at you."
Andrew then added, "And she pounced on you; don't forget that."
"She was just getting her hat," Jonathan justified her action.
"You sure that's the only thing she was trying to get?" I asked him.
After he finally understood the sex remark, Andrew added, "Yeah, she was probably trying to cast a love spell on you."
"Well if I'd ever wanted someone to cast a love spell on me," said Jonathan, "it would have to be Twilight."
"Well let's hope that Trixie would never find out about your crush towards Twilight," said Andrew. "Then she'd want to cast a love spell on you for sure."
I then said, "Good thing I'm not attracted to any of these ponies."
As I was drinking the rest of my Coke, Jonathan suddenly said, "Now wait just a minute, what about that crush that you have on Fluttershy?"
I choked a bit and said, "What are you talking about? I never said anything about having a crush on Fluttershy."
"Well you sure are nicer to her then most of the other ponies," Jonathan pointed out.
"Of course I'm nice to her," I didn't deny. "She's sensitive; she's that kind of person that people would try to take advantage of, and she needs a friend like me who's willing to defend her."
Andrew was then like, "So... you do have feelings for her, or you don't?"
I then looked at him and said, "Andrew, let's make one thing clear: you don't like Applejack, you love Applejack." Then I turned to Jonathan, "And you don't like Twilight, you love Twilight. And as for me, I don't love Fluttershy, I like Fluttershy...as a friend."
Andrew then said, "Then how do you explain all that shit you did yesterday?"
"Must I spell it out to you?" I said to him irritably. "I have a lot of sympathy for Fluttershy! Why do you think I did all that crap to Gilda in the first place? Because Fluttershy's my friend; and when you fuck with my friends, you're fucking with me. That, and Fluttershy had gave up her own time just to care for me when I was sick--so I had to pay her back somehow."
After that statement, Jonathan was like, "You know, hearing you say this still makes it sound like you love her."
I then looked at him and said, "Well I don't, so keep dreaming." And then followed a long awkward silence of boredom. As the boredom was really starting to get to me, I just flat out spoke the first suggestion that was popping in my head. "You guys wanna pull a prank on Trixie?"
Jonathan groaned as he said, "Oh come on man, you already made mincemeat out of her."
"Yeah, but that was for Twilight's friends," I said, "this'll just be for fun."
"As long as I'm doing something I'm completely OK with it," Andrew didn't complain. And with that said, I then went over the plan for this prank.
...
A few minutes after explaining the plan, we all went out to gather the necessary supplies for this prank. Then after we had gotten the supplies, we went straight to Sweet Apple Acres. I was calling out, "Winona! Come here, girl!" then next thing you know, she comes running towards me and starts licking my face.
Jonathan then took out a can of dog food, opened it, and said, "Hey Winona, you hungry? I got some yummy dog chow just for you." She sniffed at it first, and then she decided to just pig out on that can. After she had her fill, we patiently waited for her to drop a big one--if you catch my drift. When she finally did do that, our reaction of course was, "Ugh!" then Jonathan handed a paper bag over to Andrew and said, "OK Andrew, you know the drill."
Andrew was anything but thrilled. "How come I have to pick up the dog shit?"
Then I reminded him. "Andrew, we've been over this already: I handle the plans, Jonathan handles the supplies, and you handle the shit. So get to it!" he made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to do this; that is until I told him, "Well it's a shame that you won't do it, because Applejack told me herself that she just loves a man who can pick up dog shit without complaining."
Andrew then looked at me somewhat angry like and said, "You're lucky that I have a crush on her." He then took a deep breath and scooped that dog turd right in the bag.
Now that we had the vital thing for this prank to work, we went straight to Trixie's cart to put this prank into process. When we got there, we saw her looking at herself through a mirror, and these two colts giving her a milkshake. One is a blue unicorn with orange hair, and the other is an orange unicorn with light green hair. I don't really know what their names are, but I did notice that when they were talking to Trixie, they both sounded very dumb. So until I actually find out what their names are, I'll be referring to them as Dumb and Dumber.
When Trixie went back into her cart, Dumb and Dumber were then having a conversation with Spike. I didn't really care about what they were talking about, so I decided to not pay attention to it. But when they finally did leave, me and the guys sneaked up to Trixie's cart. I took the bag from Andrew, placed it on the doorstep, took a lighter from Jonathan and lit the bag on fire, then I quickly knocked on her door and we each ran to a nearby bush to hide behind.
As we watched behind the bushes, we saw Trixie walk out and say, "Who dares disturb The Great & Powerful Trixie?" when she saw the flaming bag, she was like, "Holy Celestia!" and without even thinking, she just stomps it with her hooves. She then stopped and said, "Why does The Great & Powerful Trixie's hooves feel wet? And what is that horrid scent?" she then sniffed one of her hooves, and when she finally found out what it was, she cried, "POOP!"
As me and Andrew were just rolling on the ground laughing, Andrew said, "She called the shit, poop!" and while we were laughing, Jonathan was like, "I can't believe she actually fell for that."
Trixie then cried out, "When The Great & Powerful Trixie finds whoever did this to her, she'll make you pay dearly for this!"
And when she was back in her cart again, Jonathan said, "OK, you done your prank. Happy now?"
"Oh no, Jonathan," I told him. "We're only just beginning."
...
The next hours were literally spent on making Trixie miserable: first we drank a bunch of Coke cans until our bladders felt like exploding. When that happened, we immediately ran back to Trixie's cart and pissed all over it. Then I went to some shop and bought myself a spray can; with it, I'd written a little text bubble next to her window that reads: I SUCK DONKEY-BALLS! And right when she had poked her head out, I took a picture of it on my phone (from a safe distance of course).
But I was saving the best prank for last; later that night, I was in the kitchen preparing the big finale. You remember in The Help when Octavia Spencer made Bryce Dallas Howard eat a pie that was made out of her shit? Well that's exactly what I was going to do to Trixie: I just made her a pie that looks like it's chocolate--but's it actually my shit!
As we were bringing the pie to her, Jonathan said, "Jeffrie, don't you think you've done enough pranks on her by now?"
I then told him, "Now Jonathan, you know that when you do bad things to people, people will do bad things to you. So if you think of it, I'm just teaching her a valuable lesson in life."
"Yeah, but you're just really going hardcore on her ass; first it was just little pranks, now it's just straight out harassing."
"Look, if it makes you feel better, this'll be the last prank we'll do to her."
"You promise?"
"Sure, I promise that after this is over, we won't do anything else to your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend!"
"Twilight's not your girlfriend either, but you still like to think that."
Anyway, when we finally got to Trixie's cart, I placed the pie on her doorstep, knocked on the door, and then we quickly ran to an alley. Trixie came out and said, "What now?!" when she saw the pie she was like, "Ooh, pie!" then she lifted the pie with her unicorn magic and just took it back inside.
I then said to the guys, "And now we play the waiting game." And that's exactly what we just did. We waited, and waited, and waited, and waited...my God, how long does it take someone to know that they're eating crap?! We were literally sitting behind that alley, just waiting to see her react in a grossed-out way; and yet nothing happens! I was like, "What's taking her so long?"
Then Andrew said, "Maybe she's saving it for later."
When he said that, Jonathan was like, "Oh God, we're gonna be here for hours!"
"Stop whining, Jonathan," I said. "It'll be worth it once we see her vomiting or some shit like that." As soon as I said that Trixie finally tosses out the pie tin. And you're not gonna believe this, but the pie tin was empty--and I mean completely empty! I was like, "Oh my God!"
And Andrew was like, "Did she really ate the whole thing?!"
"Well, not unless if you count the little crumbs that are left," I said.
Then next thing you know, Jonathan goes straight to a trash can and starts puking! When he stopped, he said, "Oh God, I can't believe she ate all of your shit!"
And I told him, "Yeah, I have to admit, I've never in my life seen anyone put that much crap in their mouth."
Jonathan was about to puke again as he said, "Oh God, please stop talking about this!"
I then decided to have a little fun with him, "You know, if she loves the taste of crap so much, then maybe we should make her a crap smoothie." And then he puked again, "Or maybe a crap sundae." And he puked some more, "Or maybe a crap cake." And he puked yet again.
Andrew then said, "Or maybe we should make her a crap pizza." Jonathan suddenly stopped puking and then he and I just stared at Andrew as if we were saying, "Seriously?" Andrew was then like, "What? You've been saying much grosser shit than what I said."
Before me and the guys could even think about going back to the house, out of nowhere comes Dumb and Dumber. They were saying something to Trixie, but we couldn't quite hear what it was (just because Twilight fixed our eyes, doesn't mean that she fixed our ears). Then what happened next was a roar as loud as thunder, then out of the blue--literally--comes this big, giant, blue grizzly bear! When they caught the site of that twenty-foot Baloo, they immediately ran away--and we just had to follow them.
When they finally stopped running, the blue unicorn said to Trixie, "Great & Powerful Trixie, you've got to vanquish the Ursa."
Well, at least I know now what an Ursa Major is. The orange unicorn then said to Trixie, "Yeah, vanquish it so we can watch."
And the blue unicorn added, "It took us a lot of trouble to get that thing here."
Trixie's mocking, over-confident look, soon turned into a look of complete petrifaction. "Wait, you brought this here? Are you out of your little pony minds?!"
"What's wrong, Trixie?" I said. "I thought you said that you defeated one before. Because if you did it once, then you can surely do it again."
Trixie then took a big gulp as she said, "Uh, OK, stand back." She then used her unicorn magic to tie a rope around the Ursa Major's fingers; and it didn't work.
I was like, "Wow, that was a very Great & Powerful tactic you did there...NOT!" and then me and Andrew had ourselves a laugh.
She then used her unicorn magic to summon a little thunder cloud, and had it strike the Ursa in the ass with lightning--his reaction was kinda the same reaction that I had when that happened to me. Andrew then cried out, "EPIC FAIL!" and then we both laughed while Jonathan just gave us that "seriously?" look.
With no other options left, The--Not So--Great & Powerful Trixie and Dumb and Dumber just continued to run away as the Ursa Major terrorized the town! As the whole town was in a complete uproar, Twilight had come and said, "What's going on?"
Then the blue unicorn told her, "We brought an Ursa to town."
"You what?!"
Then the orange unicorn told her, "Don't worry, The Great & Powerful Trixie will vanquish it."
And then Trixie said the one thing that I thought she'd never say. "I can't."
The second I heard this I immediately went to her and said, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I didn't quite catch that."
And then she said, "I can't, I never have. No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better."
I then pointed my finger at her and cried, "Ah-ha! I knew that you were just a phony-pony! 'Great & Powerful' my ass!" but nobody was paying attention to what I was saying; they were too busy watching Twilight taking on that Ursa with her magic!
First she made some type of soothing music to calm that four-thousand-pound Winnie The Pooh down, then she rocked it to sleep, and she used a water tower as a bottle of milk. Forget the "Bare Necessities", when you're a unicorn all you need is magic. Even though everyone was practically thanking her for saving them, she was still like, "I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."
Jonathan then said to her, "Why would we hate you? You just saved everyone from a giant bear!"
Then Twilight said, "Well, I know how much everypony hated Trixie for showing off her magic, and I just thought..."
I then interrupted her, "Oh my God, Twilight, for the last fucking time, everybody already knows that you can use magic! What part of that don't you understand? And what really makes your magic different from her magic is that she was using her magic to hurt your friends; you however used your magic to save your friends. And you seriously think that everyone is going to hate you just because you used a little magic?"
Applejack then said, "Yeah, Jeffrie's right, Twilight. You got nothin' ta be ashamed of. Yer magic is a part of who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. And we're proud ta have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend."
Rainbow Dash then said, "And after whoopin' that Ursa's hind quarters, we're even prouder."
"You are?" asked Twilight. And then each of her friends were assuring her that they were in fact proud of her.
I then leaned towards Twilight and said, "I told you no one would hate you for using magic."
Twilight gave a roll of her eyes as she admitted her mistake. "OK Jeffrie, you were right."
"And?"
"And I was wrong."
"That's better."
Jonathan then said to Twilight, "Anyway Twilight, that was still pretty cool how you took down that Ursa Major."
"Actually, that wasn't an Ursa Major," Twilight corrected him, "that was an Ursa Minor; it was a baby."
Me and Trixie were both like, "That was a baby?!"
Andrew then asked Twilight, "If that was a baby, then what does the parent look like?"
Twilight then told him, "You don't wanna know." But Andrew insisted, so Twilight used her magic to put an image of an Ursa Major in his head. Andrew was then like, "Holy shit, look at the size of that thing! It's fifty feet tall, it's purple, and it has saber-tooth tiger teeth! Damn, even Trixie wouldn't take that thing down!"
As soon as he mentioned her, she then said to Twilight, "Huh. You may have vanquished an Ursa Minor, but you will never have the amazing, show stopping abilities of The Great & Powerful Trixie!" she then blasted this disappearing smoke, but we could still see her running in the distance.
I cried out, "We can totally see you running!" and then I turned to the guys and said, "What did I tell ya: Fake Wizard with a big fat mouth."
After Trixie--AKA, The Fake Wizard with the big fat mouth--had left Ponyville, Twilight was now going to punish Dumb & Dumber for luring that Ursa Minor in the first place. Spike gave her a suggestion, and so she used her unicorn magic to give Dumb & Dumber--and Spike for some strange reason--moustaches! Me and the guys went up to Spike and I said, "Hey, check it out, we're now facial hair buddies." The reason I brought that up was mostly due to the fact that we were just beginning to grow our facial hair. But let's save all that for the next day.
...
When the next day finally came, I went to the bathroom to take a usual morning piss. As I was washing my hands, that's when I looked at myself through the mirror and saw that on my face stood a full-grown beard! I used to remember how my parents--mostly my dad--would always shave any bit of facial hair that was on my face. The one major perk of being in a world ruled by talking ponies is the fact that I'm billions of miles away from my parents, and I can finally grow that beard that I always wanted.
I then decided to show it off to the guys--who just happen to be growing some facial hair of their own. Jonathan had a five o'clock shadow, while Andrew had himself a goatee. Jonathan didn't make too much of a big deal about it, but Andrew however was just looking at me as if he were saying, "You lucky son of a bitch." I mean if you ever looked like a bearded Jake Gyllenhaal, wouldn't your friends be jealous?
Anyway, I then decided that the next thing to do is to go show this off to the ponies and see what their reactions would be. And the guys decided to tag along since they didn't really have much to do today. As we were walking out of the house, Jonathan said, "What the Hell is that?" we looked up and saw that it was a huge cloud of smoke.
I then said, "Either there's a forest fire or somebody's having a barbecue."
Andrew then said in his Homer Simpson impersonation, "Mmm, barbecue." And we all had ourselves a short laugh for the road.
Anyway, we then saw the ponies getting packed-up for what's probably an extreme hiking trip. I walked up to Twilight and said, "Hey, what's going on?"
Twilight was looking over some map as she responded, "Not much, just going to stop a dragon."
"Did you say dragon?"
"Yep."
"A big dragon?"
"That's right."
"Can we come?"
"Sure, we're probably going to need all the help we can get."
I then went to the guys and said, "Hey guys, guess what we're going to be doing?"
Jonathan then guessed, "We're going to see you make out with Fluttershy while having that carpet on your face?"
"No," I said, "we're going to see a dragon."
"A dragon?" said Andrew. "Like a big dragon, not a little one?"
"Oh yeah," I said, "we're talking like Smaug sized."
"Well what are we waiting for?" and so we were all off to see a full-grown dragon.
As we were walking along, Twilight was explaining to us how all of this smoke was being caused by the dragon. Apparently this dragon is having himself a nap, and let's just say that his snores aren't the only thing that's becoming a health hazard. So basically Twilight and her friends are trying to get to it and tell it to sleep somewhere else. Yeah, that's more possible to work than convincing Spyro to stop selling himself out to that stupid Skylander crap.
When we came to this big mountain that the dragon was sleeping in, Rainbow Dash insisted on flying straight to the top. But Applejack felt that they should all stay together just to be safe. So Rainbow Dash had reluctantly decided to stay with the group--something tells me that she's not much of a team player.
While all the ponies were climbing up the mountain, Fluttershy--for some strange reason--was staying behind. I said to her, "Aren't you going up?"
Then she said timidly, "Oh, but it's so high."
"Well mountains do tend to be like that," I told her. "But it's no problem for you, you can just fly. You do have wings, after all."
"Oh, OK." She then started to fly up a bit, but then the ground suddenly trembled as we felt the full effect of the dragon's earthquake snores (and I wouldn't want to imagine what sort of natural disaster occurs in Japan when a dragon snores). But we weren't the only ones who were being daunted by this snore-quake; apparently the dragon's snore caused Fluttershy's wings to stop flapping, and she would've broken them if I hadn't caught her in my arms.
She was trembling a bit, but when she noticed me holding her in my arms, she wrapped her hooves around my neck and said, "Oh, Jeffrie, you saved me!" then when she started to rub her face against mine, that's when she finally noticed my beard for the first time. She was just slowly rubbing her face against my beard as she said, "Oh Jeffrie, what's this furry black thing that I'm feeling?"
I told her, "That would be my beard; just grew it today."
She then continued to rub it and let out a soft purr. "Oh it feels so hairy, and I like it." But that soon came to an end when the dragon snored again. Only this time the snore made her fall flat on her back all paralyzed like--and I coulda sworn that I heard something that sounded like a goat bleat.
Applejack then came sliding down the mountain and said, "I'll just be takin' her around the mountain." She then tied Fluttershy's tail around her head and dragged her around the mountain.
Andrew then said, "Shouldn't we follow them?"
Then I said, "Nah, we'll just climb up the mountain and wait." And that's exactly what we did. I was the first to reach the top, then Jonathan, and when Andrew was about to come up, his foot slipped, and he was about to fall. But luckily me and Jonathan were there to lift him up.
...
While we waited for Applejack and Fluttershy, we tried to kill time by just chatting. Jonathan said, "Hey, Jeffrie."
"Yeah."
"You remember yesterday when you made it clear that you like and not love Fluttershy?"
"E'yup."
"Well, me and Andrew just realized something."
"And what's that?"
"Fluttershy doesn't like you; oh no, no, no, no. She loves you."
I was then like, "What was that?!"
Then Andrew said, "What Jonathan's trying to say is that you might not have a crush on her, but she definitely has a crush on you."
"And what would make you two sickos think that?"
Jonathan then said, "Well she sure was fondling your beard a lot."
"She's a chick," I said, "all chicks dig facial hair."
"I don't think it's the facial hair she wants," said Andrew, "I think she wants the whole set of you--if you know what I mean."
When I finally got the little sexual remark he had made, I told them, "Yeah, why don't you two save your sick wet dreams for your bestiality version of Fifty Shades of Grey?"
Jonathan then said, "Look man, you don't have to keep denying your own feelings; if you love her so much then just say it. And she'll definitely say yes if you just tell her. It's like what I always say: love is love."
I then said to him, "First of all, let's get one thing clear: there's no way she's in love with me. I am way too much of a jerk for her to love."
To this, Jonathan said, "But you're always so nice to her."
"But am I nice to everybody?"
Andrew then said to Jonathan, "I guess he got us there." That'll shut 'em up. As I had this thought in my head, that's when Applejack and Fluttershy had finally came up. Applejack said exhaustingly, "We. Made. It." and with that said, we finally continued on.
We all came to a part of the mountain where the ponies had to jump off some cliff. But Fluttershy seemed a bit reluctant to do it. Pinkie Pie then tried to raise her spirit by singing a musical number about jumping--it was short, but it was still annoying. Fluttershy then found it in her to at least try to jump; but right in the middle of the jump, she stopped the second she looked down. But don't worry, she didn't plummet down, she was just caught in the middle of the cliff. So I just gave her a little push and then she was on the other side.
Now it was mine and the guys turn to jump--although it wasn't that much of a jump, it was more of a step, really. The cliff wasn't even that wide, the edges were so close to each other that Fluttershy and the others could've just saved all that energy that they wasted on jumping it by just stepping over it. In fact, as we were moving on, Jonathan pointed this out, "You all know that you could've just step over that cliff, right?" nobody responded to him, "Just wanted to let you all know."
We were now in an avalanche zone, which means that we had to be very quiet. Fluttershy's a real pro when it comes to being quiet, so I know for sure that she won't cause it. But as we were walking, I notice a leaf that was falling off of some tree. And when it just happened to land on Fluttershy's back, she cried out, "AVALA...!" I quickly covered her mouth with my hand, but that didn't stop the echoes of Fluttershy's voice.
Nothing happened so far; the echoes of Fluttershy screaming kept going on, but no rocks were falling down. And it all would've end smoothly if the other ponies hadn't added a loud sigh of relief to those echoes. And that's when all the rocks started to fall down!
Nonetheless, we had made it out alive; but the avalanche however did leave a giant hill of dirt and rumble in the middle of the path. So we clearly had no choice but to climb it.
It was no problem in any way for me and the guys; we were able to walk to the top of that thing in three seconds flat. But it did take the ponies awhile to catch up--what with them having four legs and all. When they did catch up, I jokingly said, "Well it's about time you slow-pokes showed up."
Twilight rolled her eyes and said under her breath, "Two-leggers."
Since it was going to take a while for them to go down, we decided to just lay back and enjoy the view. But as Fluttershy was going down, she somehow tripped and started to slide down very fast. She would've bumped into Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack, if I hadn't slid down and stopped her. As I was holding her in my arms again, she wrapped her hooves around my neck again, rubbed her face on my beard again, and said, "Oh, thanks for saving me again."
When I felt that she was rubbing my beard long enough, I said, "You can let go now."
She then let go and was like, "Oh, sorry." And I coulda sworn that I saw her blush as she turned away from me...I'm starting to think that Andrew's and Jonathan's little love theory about her might be true.
...
Anyway, after a few more minutes of walking, we finally reached the top of the mountain. Before we could go in and stop that dragon, Twilight started to go over the plan, "Rainbow Dash, you'll use your wings to clear away the smoke." Rainbow Dash flew into the smoke and fanned it away. "Rarity and Pinkie Pie, you'll create a diversion to distract the dragon if things get a little hairy in there." Pinkie Pie then started to play around with a rubber chicken for some strange reason. "Applejack, you're ready with the apples in case he decides to attack." Applejack then kicked some apples--I bet Andrew was getting a kick out of that.
I then decided to point out an obvious flaw. "Really, you're gonna try to stop a dragon by throwing apples at it?"
Then Applejack replied, "Well shoot, why wouldn't I?"
"Well Applejack," I said, "do you have any idea what the scales of a dragon are like? Its scales are literally like a thousand shields. There's no way that a couple of apples can do any harm to that beast. Why didn't you bring anything more useful? Like a knife, or a sword, or an axe, or a spear, or arrows; you know, something that'll actually kill the dragon?"
Twilight then said, "Jeffrie, we didn't come all this way to kill it; we're just gonna get rid of it."
Then I retorted, "Now hold on there, isn't kill technically the same as getting rid of?"
"Well yeah, but..."
"But nothing, now all of this smoke here is coming from the dragon's snoring, right? Well, it can't snore if it's dead. So if you were to think about it, we could be doing Ponyville a huge favor just by slaying it."
Andrew then said, "He does have a point there."
And Jonathan added, "Yeah, killing the dragon definitely sounds better than just letting it live. I mean, who knows what worse it might end up doing after this is all over?"
I then continued, "And like I said before, apples aren't going to harm that dragon in anyway. Sure, he'll feel some type of feeling, but it won't be pain. And when he does get that feeling, he'll probably be very pissed when he finds out who did that to him. And you all might consider yourselves lucky if he doesn't burn all of you to a crisp."
That last statement caused Fluttershy to fall on her back and make that goat bleat again. Jonathan leaned over and whispered to me sarcastically, "Way to take her breath away, lady-killer."
Twilight then said, "Anyway, it shouldn't come to any of that. Because Fluttershy will do what she needs to do to wake him up, and between the two of us, we should be able to get him to understand why he needs to go. Is everypony ready?" everybody except Fluttershy responded.
I then added, "She means everybody."
Twilight was then like, "Don't start that again."
"If you just pronounce your words correctly, I wouldn't have to start this."
Twilight rolled her eyes and said, "Come on, Fluttershy, let's just get this over with."
She then went into the cave, but Fluttershy just stood behind. When she noticed that Fluttershy wasn't with her, she and the other ponies tried to push her into the cave, but to no avail--apparently Fluttershy's a lot stronger than all the ponies combined. Rainbow Dash then said, "Oh great. She's scared of caves now, too."
To this Fluttershy said, "I'm not scared of caves, I'm scared of..." she mumbled the last word.
Applejack said, "What's that, sugarcube?"
"I'm scared of..." she mumbled again.
Twilight said, "What?"
"I'm scared of dragons!"
Right when she said that the dragon's snore-quakes started to act up again. So this whole time, Fluttershy was afraid of dragons--I guess that explains why she keeps falling on her back and bleating like a goat. Twilight then said, "But Fluttershy, you have a wonderful talent dealing with all kinds of animals."
To this, Fluttershy said, "Yes, because they're not dragons."
Rainbow Dash said, "Oh come on! We've seen you walk right up to a horrible manticore like it was nothing."
"Yes," admitted Fluttershy, "because he wasn't a dragon."
Pinkie Pie said, "Spike is a dragon, and you're not scared of him."
"Yes," said Fluttershy, "because he's not a huge, gigantic, terrifying, enormous, teeth-gnawing, sharp-scale having, horn-wearing, smoke-snoring, could eat a pony in one bite, totally all grown-up dragon!"
Yeah, lucky for them that Spike isn't big enough to destroy the whole town, right? I mean could you just imagine how screwed these ponies would be if Spike was all grown-up? I'm telling you, they would be fucked up the ass by that point! But let's focus on the story for the time being; I went to Fluttershy and said, "Fluttershy, if you're so scared of dragons, why didn't you just stay home?"
Then she told me, "I wanted to, but Twilight insisted that I go along with them."
I turned to Twilight and said, "Really, you made her go even though she's afraid of dragons?"
She immediately said in her defense, "Well I didn't know that she was scared of them until now!"
I then turned my attention back to Fluttershy and said, "Look Fluttershy, you got nothing to be ashamed of. We're all just as scared as you are."
Rainbow Dash then blurts out, "I'm not!"
I turned to her and said, "Excuse me, big silly braggart, but I was talking to Fluttershy." And then I turned back to Fluttershy, "Now Fluttershy, you like lizards, don't you? You know, those little reptiles that are about the same size as Angel?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well then, don't think of it as a dragon; instead, think of it as a lizard, with wings."
Then Jonathan made it worse by saying, "Yeah, a big giant winged lizard, with razor sharp teeth, claws, and can breathe fire." The second he said that Fluttershy was now in fetal position, whimpering.
I turned to Jonathan and I told him, "Now who's the lady-killer?" and then I turned my attention back to Fluttershy, "OK Fluttershy, here's another option. What if I go in there with you?" she then stopped her whimpering and looked up at me, "You don't have to go in there alone; I'll be right beside you. And if that dragon ever tries to attack you, then I'll just let him take me instead."
Everyone--including the guys--were gasping in shock. Fluttershy was then like, "Y-you would do that for me?"
"Of course," I told her, "I wouldn't let you die."
Everyone was silent for a while, and then I heard somebody crying; and that somebody turned out to be Jonathan. He was placing his face on Andrew's shoulder as Andrew patted him and said, "There, there, no shame in crying." It's kinda weird how the drama kings are always the most emotional. In fact, if I were to die today, I'd expect Jonathan to be crying the most at the funeral.
Anyway, after a brief silence, Fluttershy said, "I...I... I just can't." she was beginning to tear up a bit.
I then tried to assure her, "You have nothing to worry about, I'll be right beside you."
"That's just it," cried Fluttershy, "I just can't bear to lose you!"
"What're you talking about? You're not gonna lose me."
"Yes I will! You've saved me twice now; if I keep letting you risk your life for my sake, then I will lose you. I'm sorry Jeffrie, but I'm just a burden." She then hugged me and said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just get out of your way." She then flew behind a giant rock.
Rainbow Dash tried to go get her, but I stopped her and said, "No Rainbow Dash, let her be."
She was like, "What?! You can't be serious!"
"Does it look like I'm not serious?!" I raised my voice. Rainbow Dash then had a scared look on her face, "That's what I thought." I then said to the others, "Now Fluttershy doesn't want to face that dragon; and if she doesn't want to do it, then we have no right to force her to do something she doesn't want to do."
Twilight then said, "But we have to stop the dragon."
"And we will," I told her. "But we're just going to have to do it without Fluttershy's help. Now are we just gonna let that thing suffocate everybody or are we going to stop it?" everybody started to go towards the cave, while I just stood where I was for a while. I turned my head towards the giant rock that Fluttershy was hiding behind and I notice that she was poking her head out a bit. I said to her, "You're not a burden, Fluttershy. You're neither that or a coward; you're just trying so hard to be one, when all you need is a little bit of confidence." I then turned away and went towards the cave.
Twilight was the first to go in; when she came to the dragon, I heard her say, "Mr. Dragon." There came a loud rumble, "Excuse me, Mr. Dragon." There came another loud rumble--apparently this thing is a sound sleeper.
I then said out loud to Twilight, "Hey Twilight, I don't think he can hear you."
Twilight made a shushing sound and said, "Keep it down, Jeffrie! You'll wake him!"
Andrew then said, "Isn't that what you're doing right now?"
"Yes," said Twilight, "but not so loud!"
That mischievous desire to pull pranks on people then started to sneak into my brain again; I place both my hands next to my mouth and cried, "HEY! WAKE UP YOU BIG SCALY LIZARD!" me and Andrew were just laughing our asses off, while the ponies had heart attacks.
Jonathan dragged me and Andrew away from the ponies and said, "What the Hell, Jeffrie?! You trying to get Twilight killed?!"
"What's wrong, Jonathan," I said, "you think she's in danger? Then why don't you be her knight in shining armor and go save your damsel in distress?"
Me and Andrew laughed while Jonathan cried, "Shut up!"
Andrew then started to act like Twilight, "Oh Jonathan, you're my hero!" he started to make kissing sounds as a way to add insult to injury.
Jonathan then said, "Andrew, I said shut up!"
"Why don't you make me?"
"I don't make monkeys, I train 'em!" they were then about to beat the crap out of one another. That is until I got between them and said, "Whoa, whoa, don't get your panties in a wad; it was just a joke." And that's when Twilight came out; I walked up to her and said, "So... how did it go?"
Then she said, "Well, after that loud outburst of yours, the dragon finally woke up."
Jonathan said, "And he's going to leave now, right?"
"Not exactly," said Twilight, "I tried to reason with him, but he just ignored me and went back to sleep."
Andrew then said, "So who has plan B?"
"That was plan B," said Twilight.
"Then what was plan A?"
"Plan A involved Fluttershy."
"OK, then who has plan C?"
Everyone was silent for a while, then Rarity said, "Obviously this situation just calls for a little pony charm. Allow me girls--and gentlemen." She then went into the cave and spoke to the dragon, "I'm so sorry to interrupt." She was really beginning to put that southern belle accent of hers to good use, "But I couldn't possibly head back home without mentioning what handsome scales you have." As she was sweet talking the dragon, she was beginning to take some of his treasure. "And those scales have to be hidden away in some silly cave for a hundred years?" the dragon was starting to become flattered by Rarity's compliments. "Personally, I think you should skip the snoozing and be out there, showing them off." Everything was going just fine...that is until Rarity added, "Obviously, I would be more than happy to keep an eye on your jewels while you're gone." The second the dragon heard her say that he quickly took all of his treasure away, and she ran out of that cave empty handed--or in her case, empty hoofed. She then started to complain about her failure, "I was this close to getting that diamond."
Twilight then corrected her, "You mean...getting rid of that dragon?"
"Oh, yeah...sure."
I then said to her, "Rarity, you didn't get any of that treasure because you didn't keep your mouth shut. If you hadn't mentioned anything about that dragon's treasure in the first place, you would've gotten away with it. But no, you just had to mention it right in front of him; that's like Bilbo telling Smaug that he'll guard his stolen treasure while he's off destroying Lake-town."
Rarity then said, "Oh, and I suppose that you can do a much better job than I?"
"Rarity," I said, "I've been stealing things since I was six; I can take anything I want without getting caught."
Applejack then said, "So basically you're some kind of treasure hunter?"
"Yeah," I declared, "they don't call me the master thief for nothing."
Jonathan then said, "I thought Sly Cooper was the master thief?"
"Yeah, well I'd dethroned him." I stated.
And this is when we all saw Pinkie Pie wearing a birthday present outfit, a large bow tie, large sunglasses, a balloon animal hat, balloons tied to her tail, scuba flippers, and she was blowing a noise maker. Rarity told her, "Darling, you look ridiculous."
To this, Pinkie said, "Exactly! Sharing a laugh is a sure-fire way to get someone on your side!"
Andrew whispered, "Isn't that what Roger Rabbit said?"
"I don't know," I whispered back, "this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about."
And so, Pinkie Pie went in that cave and soon came back out looking like someone who just got a swirlie and a wedgie at the same time (Apparently me and the dragon seem to be annoyed by the same things).
Rainbow Dash started to get angry and said, "All right, that's it. We tried persuasion, charm, whatever it is Pinkie Pie does. It's time to stop wasting time! I'm going in!" she was then going to just barge in there. But before she could do that, I stopped her and said, "Whoa, hold your horses!" me and the guys just had to chuckle; there was no way that we could say a horse pun in front of these talking ponies and not laugh about it.
Rainbow Dash said to herself, "Ugh, I hate it when he says those horse puns."
I then told her, "Now Rainbow Dash, before you go in there and do something stupid, as always, me and the guys want to go in and see that there dragon."
"You actually want ta go in there?" said Applejack, "What're ya crazy?"
"Well we didn't come all this way for nothing," I said, "at first I just wanted to show off my awesome beard, but now I want to see a full-grown dragon. That, and I need to show Rarity how a real thief steal things. So if you'll excuse us, we got ourselves a dragon to see." Me and the guys then went inside the cave.
As we walked inside the cave, we saw, standing upon a pile of treasure, a huge ass dragon! The dragon was red, and boy was it huge! I mean really huge! It was like the size of Godzilla! Jonathan was like, "Holy shit, look at the size of that thing!"
The dragon didn't seem to take much care about us, so we each took out our cellphones and started to take pictures of it. I went up to the dragon and said, "Hey guys, take my picture with the dragon." And they did just that. After that, I then took out my video camera and turned it on. "Hey, it's me, Jeffrie. I'm with Andrew and Jonathan, and what I'm about to show you is not fake--it's totally real!" I then turned the camera at the dragon, "Hey big guy, can you roar?" he then roared, "Can you also breathe fire?" he then breathed some fire. I then turned the camera off and said, "OK, fun times over. Time for you to get your big scaly ass on out of here, so skadoosh!" the dragon just stood where he was.
Andrew said, "I don't think he's leaving."
"No shit," I said.
"So what do we do now?" asked Jonathan.
"I got an idea," I said. I then said to the dragon, "Hey Mushu, your breath smells like Daenerys' poontang, and I had sex with your mother last night!" the dragon started to get pissed, "That's right, your mom is a filthy dragon skank with a flat chest and a fat ass!" now the dragon was really getting pissed.
Jonathan said, "Jeffrie, I don't think you should've done this."
"Oh relax," I said, "What's he gonna do? It's not like he's gonna..." the dragon was then preparing to burn us to a crisp! I then cried, "HUMAN SHIELD!" and then me and Jonathan hid behind Andrew. He was like, "Hey, what're you doing?" and then what happened next was Andrew screaming like a little girl as the dragon flames engulfed him!
When we exited the cave, me and Jonathan were OK, but poor Andrew's body was completely blackened from top to bottom. Applejack was like, "What in tarnation just happened?!"
I then said, "Oh it was awful, that dragon was about to breathe fire on me; but luckily Andrew rushed in and blocked it. Thanks buddy."
Andrew just looked at me all angry like and said, "FUCK YOU!"
Jonathan then said, "Ooh, Andrew, I think you just lost your goatee."
"What?!" he rubbed the soot off his face, and to his horror, his goatee was completely shaved off! He then dropped to his knees and screamed, "NOOOO!"
I then let out a whistle and was like, "Good thing I was behind Andrew; otherwise I would've lost all of this."
Andrew looked at me and he said under his breath, "Oh I so can't wait for you to fall asleep tonight!"
"Oh, and one more thing." I delved into my pocket and in the clutches of my hand was a bunch of gold coins!
Rarity and the others were just gaping at this sight. She was like, "H-h-how did you do that?"
And I told her, "Oh, I just took a couple while I was having my picture with the dragon; and he didn't even notice it. You see, Rarity, this is how you steal things: by not saying anything about it, or doing anything suspicious, or getting caught! And that is why I'm the master thief!"
Applejack then whispered to Rarity, "I guess he showed you."
I then said to Rainbow Dash, "OK, now you can now go do your thing." She then flew into the cave and what happened next was her kicking the dragon right in the snout! Jonathan said, "She's dead." And then the dragon roared so loud that it propelled Rainbow Dash and the ponies right into the rock that Fluttershy was hiding behind (good thing me and the guys had got out of the way). When they hit the rock, it shattered, and it revealed Fluttershy.
Then out of the cave came the dragon--and boy was he pissed. As he was looking down upon us, I whispered, "Stand perfectly still, their vision is based on movement."
Jonathan was able to take his mind off the dragon to say, "That only works on T-Rexes!"
And to this I said, "It could work on dragons too."
While that was going on, Fluttershy just stood there and watched as the dragon was about to attack her friends. She was scared at first, but then she started to find a bit of anger in herself as she said, "How dare you...how dare you!" she then flew up to the dragon's face, "Listen here, mister. Just because you're big, doesn't mean you get to be a bully. You may have huge teeth, and sharp scales, and snore smoke, and breathe fire. But you do not--I repeat--yo do NOT! HURT! MY! FRIENDS! You got that?"
We were all silent; Jonathan was like, "Damn, why wasn't she like this with Gilda?"
"Well?" asked Fluttershy. And to our surprise, the dragon said, "But that rainbow one kicked me."
Fluttershy then told him, "And I'm very sorry about that. But you're bigger than she is, and you should know better. You should also know better than to take a nap where your snoring can become a health hazard to other creatures."
"But I..."
"Don't you 'but I' me, mister. Now what do you have to say for yourself?" the dragon was silent, "I said, what do you have to say for yourself?" the dragon then started to cry. And I'm not fucking with you. The dragon--this fire-breathing lizard--literally started to cry! I know, right! Anyway, Fluttershy then said, "There, there. There's no need to cry. You're not a bad dragon, you've just made a bad decision. Now go pack your things. You just need to find a new place to sleep. That's all."
And with that said, the dragon flapped its huge ass wings and flew off to the sky. As we were watching this, I said to the guys, "I guess that's one way to train your dragon."
...
After an hour of getting off the mountain, we were all just hanging around near Twilight's place. While Rainbow Dash was bouncing a ball around, Fluttershy went up to me and said, "Thanks, Jeffrie."
"For saving you?"
"No, for what you told me. You were right, all I needed was a little bit of confidence."
"Well since we're thanking each other, I ought to thank you for saving our asses back there. Who knows what that dragon would've done to us if you hadn't stood up to him."
Rainbow Dash kept on bouncing that ball until this loud roar came out of nowhere. She then cried, "DRAGON!" and she fell on her back and bleated like a goat--just like Fluttershy. We just all had to laugh; she was then like, "Why are you laughing? That awful dragon is back!"
We then heard that roar again, but it turned out to just be Pinkie Pie sounding like one. I then said, "Well, check it out, guys. Looks like Rainbow Dash finally showed her true colors."
This caused Rainbow Dash to say, "What're you talking about?"
Jonathan said, "It seems to me that you're more scared of dragons than Fluttershy."
And Andrew added, "What's the matter, does a winged lizard make a coward out of ya?" and we were all just laughing away as Rainbow Dash cried, "Shut up!"
I then asked her, "Hey Rainbow Dash, quick question: is it dragons that sound like Pinkie Pie that makes you a spineless pussy, or is it all dragons?" we laughed some more, and Rainbow Dash retorted by shouting, "SHUT UP!"
Fluttershy flew up to her and said, "It's OK, Rainbow Dash. Not everypony can be as brave as me."
Jonathan was like, "Ooh, would you like some ice to go with that burn?"
Rainbow Dash however ignored that statement just so she could blow a leaf that was falling down, and have it land on Fluttershy's back. This caused Fluttershy to do that goat thing again, only this time I caught her before she could touch the ground. I looked at Rainbow Dash and said, "Really, you just had to do a cheap shot like that?"
She was like, "What?"
Then I said, "Not cool, Rainbow Dash, not cool." I then said to the guys, "Come on guys, we might as well take her home." We then took Fluttershy back to her cottage. After all the shit that she was having to go through today, she definitely deserved a break for one day.
One day, me and Andrew were just chilling on the couch, watching SpongeBob SquarePants, while Jonathan was just going here and about in an unusually happy manner. Usually he would be going through the day with a figurative cloud over his head, but for some reason he's acting as if today's going to be the best day of his life. Me and Andrew were not used to seeing him in this state, so I said, "You sure are feeling happy today."
He turned to me and said, "And why wouldn't I be? Do you have any idea what today is?"
Andrew guessed, "Thursday?"
"Yes," Jonathan didn't deny, "but what else?"
I then made my guess, "Is today the day you finally get that sex change?"
Me and Andrew laughed as Jonathan cried, "No! Why would you even say that?"
"Well you were pretty whiny when we were making you do chores with us when we were at Applejack's, so I figured that you must rather be a drama queen instead of a drama king." Andrew whispered to me, "Nice."
"OK, you two clearly suck at guessing, so I'm just gonna tell you." He took a deep breath and said, "Today's the day I confess my feelings to Twilight."
Andrew cried, "Mazel tov!"
But I was like, "What makes you so sure that this'll be the day?"
Then Jonathan said, "Because Spike is off on some royal business, which means it'll just be me and her, all alone, together."
"How do you know one of her friends won't be with her?" Andrew asked.
"I'm pretty sure that her friends have way more important things to do," Jonathan insisted.
"Well even if her friends aren't with her," I said, "how do I know that you're just not gonna pussy out?"
"You just wait and see," Jonathan declared. "First, I'll tell her how I feel about her, then we'll be together, and who knows? Maybe we'll get married and you two can be my best men."
To this, Andrew said, "Um, we're kinda the only friends you have; so if you think of it, you'll probably going to just let us be your best men anyway."
I then added, "And if you do get married, you won't have kids, will you? Because the last thing that I want is to be the uncle of some weird, horse-man mutant."
Jonathan let out a sarcastic laugh and said, "OK, I'll be seeing you two bastards later; I got myself a girl to woo." The second he left the house, I said to Andrew, "Five dollars says that he pussies out." And Andrew said, "You're on." And so the bet on whether Jonathan gets lucky or not has finally commence.
...
As Jonathan was heading straight to Twilight's place, he was coming up of many ways to tell her how much he loves her. "When I enter her home," he said to himself, "I'll say 'hey Twilight, you look lovely today'. Or maybe I should say 'beautiful' or 'pretty', so that way she feels more comfortable with her looks. Or maybe I should just say 'nice', so that way I'm not giving her too much of a hint. OK, so now that I've settled with how I'm going to start things off, how will I tell her exactly? Hmm...maybe I should do it in a soap opera approach; like maybe I should get down to one knee, hold her hoof, and say, 'Twilight, ever since I've laid eyes on you, I've been dying to tell you something; something that any man should tell any woman. You see, I...'."
As soon as he was about to finish that statement, he then suddenly found himself inside the home of Twilight Sparkle (apparently he was so in thought of what he was going to tell her, that he didn't even notice where he was going). Twilight then came down her stairs holding a stack of books with her magic, and when she saw Jonathan, she said, "Oh, hi Jonathan."
The second he knew where he was, he forgot all that mumbo jumbo that he was saying to himself, and he began to panic inside. His knees quivered, and his whole body started to break out in droplets of nervous sweat as he stammered, "Oh, uh...hi Twilight. Y-y-you need any help?" wow, a few seconds ago he was thinking of ways to tell Twilight she's hot, and he just chickens out at the last minute! If only me and Andrew were there to witness it.
Anyway, Twilight said, "No thanks, Spike maybe away, but I can take care of myself." She then set the stacks of books on a table, "So what brings you here?"
"Me?" said Jonathan. "Oh, well I just felt like getting out of the house today."
"Why," Twilight asked, "Is Jeffrie irritating you again?"
"He irritates me every day." He looked around and saw on the wall a picture of Twilight with some white unicorn. "Is that your boyfriend?"
Twilight looked at the picture and gave a little chuckle. "No, that's my brother."
"Oh, I didn't know you have a brother."
"Not just any brother; he's my B.B.B.F.F."
"Don't you mean B.F.F.?"
"No, B.F.F. is Best Friend Forever; B.B.B.F.F. is Big Brother Best Friend Forever."
"You know, if Jeffrie was here, he'd say that you were making it up."
"Well at least it's better than him telling me how to say everypony."
"You mean everybody?" she gave him a surprised look and he was like, "Sorry." After taking a quick last glance of the picture of Twilights' brother, Jonathan said, "Listen Twilight, the reason why I came here is because there's something that I need to tell you."
"What is it?"
If you pussy out now, you'll never hear the end of it. He thought to himself. He took a deep breath and said, "Twilight, I..." but as soon as he was about to tell her, a bolt of lightning suddenly clapped! He then started to panic, "What was that?!"
Twilight then said, "It's just a thunderstorm that the pegasi had just made."
"What do you mean by 'made'?"
"You mean you don't know that the pegasus ponies are the ones who control the weather?"
"They can control the weather?"
"Yes, didn't Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy tell you and your friends?"
"No, all we got from Rainbow Dash is that she wants to be some kind of Top Gun flyer, and we didn't really get much out of Fluttershy."
Twilight was just gazing out her window when she cried, "Is that Applejack and Rarity?!" Jonathan leaned in closer and saw that it was in fact Applejack and Rarity. He was then pushed back by Twilight, as she ran towards the door and called them in.
As Rarity was entering, she said, "We are most grateful for your invitation."
Then when Applejack had entered, she said, "Thank ya kindly for yer hospitality."
But then Rarity stopped her and said, "Do be a polite house guest and go wash up please, won't you?"
While Applejack went outside to wash the mud off of her hooves, Jonathan said to Rarity, "You're seriously going to make her go wash herself in the middle of a thunderstorm?"
To this, Rarity said, "Just because there's a thunderstorm, doesn't mean she can get away with muddy hooves."
"So what?" said Jonathan. "It's just mud; it's not gonna bite you."
"Typical boy attitude." Rarity said to herself.
Twilight then tried to change the subject, "Some storm, huh? The pegasus ponies sure have outdone themselves this time. I hope that none of you have any trouble getting home."
Rarity then said, "It may indeed be a problem."
Jonathan looked at her and said, "Gee, ya don't say?"
Twilight was then suddenly like, "You should all totally sleep over! We'll have a slumber party! I've always wanted one of those."
"A slumber party?" said Jonathan. "Isn't that one of those things that you do when you're eight?"
"I was too busy on my studies to do any of the things that most ponies would do," Twilight explained, "but now I can finally do those things that I've never had time to do before; and I even have a reference guide to get me started." She then literally took out of a bookshelf, an actual guidebook on slumber parties. Don't believe me, then just take a gander at the title: Slumber 101: All You've Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties But Were Afraid to Ask.
Jonathan just looked at it and was like, "They actually make guidebooks on slumber parties?"
"Of course," said Twilight, "they make guidebooks for everything."
After she said that, Jonathan was beginning to become deeply in thought of that statement. If Twilight has a guidebook on slumber parties, then does that mean George R.R. Martin has a guidebook on killing a favorite character? While he was thinking this through, Twilight and Rarity started to do what all women like to do, and that's giving each other makeovers.
When Applejack finally came inside, she saw the both of them putting that girly mud on their faces and was like, "Now wait just a goll-darn minute. Ya make me wash the mud off my hooves, but it's OK for y'all to have mud all over yer faces?"
To this, Rarity said, "Silly! This is called a mud mask. It's to refresh and rejuvenate your complexion."
And then Twilight decided to point out the obvious, "We're giving each other makeovers! We have to do it; it says so in the book." Why does that last sentence that Twilight said sound like something that the kid from Once Upon A Time would say?
Anyway, the second Twilight showed Applejack the book, she immediately wanted to get out as soon as possible. But a bolt of lightning was all that she needed to stay where she is. And a bolt of lightning is also what Jonathan needed to get out of his guidebook trance and start flinching like a little girl. Applejack looked at him and said, "You OK, sugarcube?"
Jonathan was then like, "What, me? Of course I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be?"
Rarity then said, "Other than the fact that you were twitching and making all that squealing uproar?"
"Oh, uh...I was just, uh...exercising. Yeah, exercising."
He then let out a nervous laugh as Twilight asked, "Are you afraid of thunderstorms?"
"No, of course not," Jonathan quickly denied, "I'm just afraid for the guys, that's all."
"And just why would you be distressing over those two?" asked Rarity.
"Because unlike me, they are afraid of thunderstorms."
"Seriously?" said Applejack.
"Oh yeah, in fact they even have their own little song for when a thunderstorm does happen."
"Ooh, your friends write songs?" Rarity inquired.
"No, they just got it off of a movie they both really like."
"So does this mean that you'll be staying?" asked Twilight. Now if you know Jonathan as much as I do, it's that he'll normally would give up upon the first instance of a challenge; but since this is a matter of love, my somber friend has managed to gain some determination to never let anything get in the way of accomplishing this goal. Even if it involves having to endure a slumber party with talking, girly ponies. So of course he agrees to stay for the night. And as soon as he said that Twilight was like, "Isn't this exciting? We'll do everything by the book, and that will make my slumber party officially fun."
Well I suppose it can't get any worse, Jonathan thought to himself. That is until he heard Rarity say, "Did you hear that, Applejack? You certainly wouldn't want to do anything that would ruin Twilight's very first slumber party, would you?"
"Of course not," Applejack stated firmly. "And you wouldn't either, I reckon?"
"So do we have an agreement?"
"You betcha." She then did that short of handshake--or in her case, a hoofsake--that involves spitting on it. Instead of just sucking it up and just shake the damn hoof, Rarity instead cries out, "Oh, gross! You know, there's messy and there's just plain rude."
To this, Applejack said, "Ya know, there's fussy, and there's just plain gettin' on my nerves."
What is this, an Odd Couple episode? Jonathan thought to himself. At this point, Jonathan was beginning to notice that Rarity's and Applejack's bickering might prove to be a bit of an obstacle for him. But that didn't seem to bother Twilight, because while those two were having their little personality clash, she wrapped her hooves around them in a group hug as she said, "This is going to be the bestest slumber party ever! Yay!"
"Yay." Said Rarity and Applejack in a deadpanned tone as they continued their little dagger like stare down. Jonathan then turned around as he took a deep breath and said to himself, "OK Jonathan, just keep it together. So some little complications just popped out of nowhere, but it'll be worth it. I mean, it can't be as worse as what the guys are doing." Speaking of which.
...
After Jonathan had left the house, me and Andrew just continued to lie around the couch, watching SpongeBob SquarePants. Then when that was over, we decided to just watch a random movie. And seeing as how our friend is going on a quest to find love, we decided to watch something similar to what Jonathan was going through; and that movie was Dumb and Dumber. Now I know what you're thinking, "Dumb and Dumber?! That movie has nothing to do with love!" well if you were to really think about it, Jonathan's kinda like Lloyd in this situation; and like Lloyd, he's not gonna get the girl in the end. At least I hope he doesn't. After all, my five dollars depends on it.
Anyway, as we were getting to the part with the dead parakeet, the TV suddenly goes out and me and Andrew were both like, "OH COME ON!" Andrew then got his ass off the couch and went to check on the TV. After banging it a couple of times and checking the wires from the back, he then came to the most absolute brilliant discovery, "I think something's wrong with the electric post."
And to that amazingly stated conclusion, I said, "Then I guess you better go check it out then." As he went outside, I went to the kitchen and got me two cans of Coke. As soon as I've set the Cokes upon the table, there suddenly came this loud thunder crack, and it resulted in me flinching back to the couch. And the second the thunder cracked some more, Andrew had come bursting through the door and landed on the couch.
As we sat side by side, we started to sing the "thunder buddy" song from Ted--and we did it, word for word. When the thunder finally started to die down a bit, we decided to take our minds off the storm and just drink our Cokes while talking about stuff.
"I wonder how Jonathan would react to this storm?" said Andrew.
And to that I replied, "Curdled up in fetal position, while crying like a little bitch in front of Twilight."
We both had ourselves a little laugh, and then Andrew decided to address something that I would never bother bringing up, "Speaking of which, do you really think that Jonathan won't tell her?"
"Oh yeah," I said, "if there's one thing I know about Jonathan, it's that he's all talk. He might say that he'll do something, but midway through he'll just say, 'screw it'."
"Yeah, I know he kinda tends to be a bit of a defeatist, but I think he's really determined this time."
"Andrew, Jonathan and Twilight being together is more likely to happen than you and Applejack getting together."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It simply means that you're a bigger pussy than Jonathan."
"Hey, I'll let you know that I could tell Applejack just how much I love her if I wanted to!"
"Yeah, except for one big thing..."
As I waited for Andrew to finish my sentence, he then let out a sigh and said in a groaned tone, "Big Mac."
"E'yup." After that little insult to injury, I suddenly had the urge to take a piss (if Rainbow Dash were here, I'd say a horse pun just to annoy her). So I lifted my ass off the couch and led myself towards the bathroom. After I was finish draining my bladder, I just had to look at myself in the mirror. I mean when you have a beard like mine, you just can't stop looking at it. After a few minutes of admiring my facial hair, I went back to the living room and said to Andrew, "Man, Andrew, if I were home right now, I'd be gettin' tons of women right about now."
"Let me guess, it's because you have facial hair?"
"Well yeah, everybody knows that chicks dig facial hair."
"Just because one Alaskan girl had rubbed your face and called it hairy, doesn't mean that all women are like that."
"Of course it does, whenever one woman says she likes or dislikes something, that means all the women in the world think like that. It's simple math." And with that said, I picked up my can and took a big chug.
...
Meanwhile, over at Twilight's place, she, Applejack, and Rarity had moved onto putting curlers in their manes and tails (for those of you who don't know, a curler is something that a girl uses to make their hair look curly. They think it makes them look beautiful, but it actually makes them look terrifying). And--to his complete shame--Jonathan had to wear them as well. If the guys ever hear about this, I'll never hear the end of it, he thought to himself. But luckily for him, Twilight decided that makeover time was finished, and with her magic she removed all the curlers and went on to the next activity. "Ooh, it says here we have to tell ghost stories. Who wants to go first?"
"Me!" cried Applejack. "I'd like to tell y'all the terrifying tale of the prissy ghost, who drove everypony crazy with her unnecessary neatness. Oo-oo! I'm sure y'all are familiar with that?"
"Never heard of it," said Rarity, "but I have a much better one. It's the horrifying story of the messy, inconsiderate ghost, who irritated everypony within a hundred miles! Oo-oo!"
Good God, a Scooby-Doo episode is scarier than this. The lights then suddenly went out as Twilight was about to tell her story, "I've got one! This story is called, The Legend of The Headless Horse." If Jeffrie were here, he'd probably say, "You mean The Headless Horseman?!"
He probably should've been trying to make Twilight think he's a good listener--seeing as how that's pretty much what women expect from us--but he figured that thinking about things I would've done was far more interesting than listening to her story. Besides, he wasn't even scared to begin with. He pretty much predicted that Twilight was going to wait for another thunder strike just so she can quickly put a blanket over her head, and somehow scare Applejack and Rarity.
And after making him witness that jump scare that even a kindergartener wouldn't find terrifying, she turned the lights back on and said, "OK Jonathan, it's your turn."
And instead of telling a ghost story, he told them, "Why bother? I'm practically experiencing one already."
They each had a shocked expression on their faces as Applejack said, "Gee Jonathan, that isn't like you."
"What do ya mean?" asked Jonathan.
"Well normally I'd be expectin' those kinds of remarks from Jeffrie."
"What are you talking about? I've made those kinds of remarks before."
Rarity then decided to correct him, "Actually darling, I never had any recollection of you performing any of those actions."
Jonathan did a double take as he exclaimed, "Seriously!"
Then Applejack said, "Well, to be honest sugarcube, you and Andrew aren't exactly the talkin' type."
"That's not true, we've talked to you ponies before!"
"Technically darling, you and Andrew talked sometimes. Jeffrie, however, does most of it."
As Jonathan was just standing there all dumbstruck, Twilight tried to change the subject, "Anyway...who wants s'mores?"
After a short s'more break, Twilight made an announcement, "OK, now that that's out of the way, the next item of fun we have to do is Truth or Dare."
Rarity immediately tried to make a first move, "I dare Applejack to do something carefully and neatly for a change."
Applejack then tried to make a comeback, "Oh yeah? Well I dare Rarity ta lighten up, and stop obsessin' over every, last, little detail, for a change."
"I think the truth of the matter is that somepony could stand to pay a little more attention to detail."
"And I think the truth is somepony oughta quit with her fussin' so the rest of us can get things done."
"OK, clearly neither of you know how Truth or Dare works," Jonathan made his observation be known.
"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.
Then Jonathan explained the rules to her, "When you're playing Truth or Dare, you gotta either make someone tell you an embarrassing secret about themselves or make them do something very humiliating."
"What do ya mean by 'humiliating'?" asked Applejack.
And Jonathan gave her a list, "You know, something like eating dirt, or rubbing shit all over your face, or telling everybody you're secretly gay. It pretty much has to be something that can crush a persons' pride."
After thinking for a while, Applejack had finally came up with a dare, "I dare Rarity ta step outside and let her precious, tidy mane get ruined again."
This caused Rarity to gasp and shout, "You wouldn't!"
"Oh yes she can," explained Jonathan, "and once somebody dares you to do something, you gotta do it whether you like it or not."
"Fine!" and so she swallowed her pride and stepped out into the rain. When she came back in, she ended up looking like a little wet dog, and this resulted in Applejack and Jonathan laughing their heads off. But Rarity was then about to turn the table on Applejack, "OK, I dare Applejack to play dress-up; in a frou-frou, glittery, lacey outfit."
Applejack then grudgingly went upstairs and then came back down, dressed as a princess (and I'm not even joking; she literally looked like a princess! She had on the pointy hat, the puffy dress, she even had her hair done in a fancy manner). This got a chuckle out of Rarity, but it got a big chunk of laughter out of Jonathan. He even went so far as to take a picture of it on his cellphone. The second he'd sent that picture, Applejack and Rarity were both tossing dares at one another.
They were so intent on this that Twilight was literally just standing there and said, "Um, do I ever get a turn?"
Finally, Jonathan exclaimed to himself, while those two are busy arguing, I can be able to get the truth out of her! And so, without wasting anymore time, Jonathan said to Twilight, "Actually, Twilight, I've been wondering."
"Ooh, is this a Truth or a Dare?!" Twilight asked in enthusiastic anticipation.
"It's Truth," said Jonathan, "and it's something personal."
"Well go on, ask me!"
First, he took a deep breath, and then he asked her, "Do you have a crush on someone?"
Twilight was a bit confused at first, but she was soon able to tell him, "I don't think so."
He became a bit flustered at this response, "You mean you never thought about wanting to go out with someone?"
"Well, to be honest I was also too busy in my studies to even focus on boys. Why do you ask? Is there somepony who's interested in me?"
She never even thought of me. Being too shocked to just bluntly tell her the truth, he just told her, "You could say that."
She then let out a cheerful, girl squee as she asked him, "So who is it?"
Now of course he could've told her right at that moment, but being the emotional pansy that he is, he did what I pretty much bet he would do, "Can we move onto the next activity?" and I'd probably be getting five bucks at this point.
Anyway, Twilight had then went back to her little guidebook to see what other slumber party related activity they could do, "Hm, let me see. What does this mean? Pillow fight?"
Rarity--overhearing this--decided to voice her opinion, "Oh please, I'm not at all interested in participating in something so crude." But the second Applejack tossed a pillow right at her face, she was then like, "OH! IT! IS! ON!"
She then tossed a pillow at Applejack, and she in turn had tossed another back at her, and then this harmless, little pillow fight soon turned into a flat out, pillow war! (Although you're technically supposed to just grab the pillow and use it like a club instead of throwing them, but I wasn't there to correct them). If Jonathan wasn't so damn traumatized by the fact that Twilight was never interested in him, he would've done the correcting for me. But while he just stood there like a guy who received word that he has AIDS, Twilight had finally begun to understand the concept of pillow fights. But she unfortunately had found herself in the middle of the crossfire and got completely pummeled. So... after that little beatdown, she then suggested, "Maybe we should just call it a night and get some sleep?" and while those three went to prepare the guest bed, Jonathan still stood there and he said to himself, "Not even once."
...
While that soap opera melodrama was happening, me and Andrew were having our own little moment. For some strange reason, after I'd gulped down the rest of that can of Coke, I've been feeling very weird lately; as if I was somehow becoming intoxicated. For example, after a few minutes had passed by, my head started to feel dizzy. Then, my eyesight was appearing to be all loopy. And then, my speech was beginning to sound all slurry. And to finish it all off, I was just beginning to lose complete control of my body. (Like I would just be moving back and forth, and waving my arms, and spinning my head for no reason at all).
At that point, I was having a little discussion with Andrew, "Look...all I'm saying, is that Alaskan girls...are somewhat more attractive...than girls, from Texas."
"What are you talking about?" questioned Andrew. "Girls in Alaska are ugly; I mean, they have squinty eyes, their faces are all chubby, they like to wear dead animals for clothes..."
"No, no, no, those are Eskimos...that's not what Alaskan girls are...look man...you can't just live your life based on stereotypes...this isn't the fucking 1800's... you gotta learn to embrace the differences of another human being."
"Well what difference does it make anyway? I mean, what is it that Alaskan girls have, that Texan girls don't have?"
"Well...for starters...Alaskan girls look like Texan girls...only 20% more hotter."
"Why 20%?"
"I don't know...Rainbow Dash always measures things by 20%...so I figured, why not?"
At that point, Andrew had taken his phone out and when he took a gander at what was on it, he was like, "Whoa! Jeffrie, I think you'd wanna take a look at what Jonathan just sent me."
He showed me his phone, and I'd found myself falling over the couch in a burst of hysteria, "Oh my God...is that...is that Applejack?"
"E'yup."
"In a princess outfit?"
"E'yup."
"OK...this...this is just too much...and to think you want to tap that...hey that reminds me...you're not still mad at me for using you as a human shield, right?"
He gave me a scowl after reminding him of the most embarrassing moment of his life since that one time when he was declared Miss Ponyville, but he was soon able to build a smile and say, "Oh no, I'd never do something like that; holding grudges is your thing."
"Well that's good," I responded, "because for a minute there, I thought you were..." and I then suddenly blacked-out and planted my face on the table.
"OK, bedtime." Andrew then got his ass off the couch and tried to take me to my room. You'd think that being the buff member of the group, he'd be able to lift me without putting much effort into it. But believe it or not, I was actually a bit heavy for him to carry. Even as he was draggin' me up the stairs, he was like, "Gees, ya know for an incredibly skinny type of guy, you sure are heavy."
...
Back at Twilight's place, she and the others had decided to get to the actual "slumber" part of the party. While Rarity and Applejack had to sleep on the guest bed, Jonathan was lucky enough to sleep on the same bed with Twilight. At this point, Jonathan was finally able to break free of his little comatose from earlier and decided to try to take advantage of this new opportunity. OK Jonathan, you've might've let your emotions get the better of you, but now's your chance to get your girl. When Applejack and Rarity go to sleep, you'll have no problem making a move on Twilight.
It was easier said than done; because throughout the whole night, as Jonathan was waiting for those two to go to sleep, they just kept on arguing. "Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed," Rarity commanded.
"My hooves ain't muddy," said Applejack.
"They were; there might still be a little more on them."
"Well they're ain't. See?" when she showed Rarity her hoof, she got grossed out and for some reason decided to hog the blanket for herself. "Now who's bein' inconsiderate?"
Applejack in turn tried to hog the blanket for herself, and this caused Rarity to get off the bed and say, "Now I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up." She then shoved Applejack off and then Jonathan watched as Rarity used her unicorn magic to tuck the blanket back into the bed. When Applejack was about to get back on, Rarity quickly said, "Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this." And then he watched as Rarity had got under the blanket in a way that even an acrobat couldn't accomplish.
As she was getting herself all snuggled up, Applejack had stood there for a while and then said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." She then jumped high in the air and came crashing down on the bed so hard that it caused Rarity to fall off. And while Applejack was appearing to be all cozy like, Jonathan then watched as she and Rarity partake in another tedious argument.
"You did that on purpose," said Rarity accusingly.
"Um, yeah?" remarked Applejack.
"Get up so I can fix it again."
"Can't hear ya, I'm asleep." She then started to mock her by letting out some fake snores, but that soon came to an end when Rarity had pulled the blanket off of her. "I ain't budgin'."
"You will if you want any blankets." Next thing you know, they both found themselves having a little tug-of-war match over a blanket.
As Jonathan was watching them pull that blanket back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, he was really starting to get tensed up. Oh my God, will these fucking bimbos give it a break already?! And just when he was about to make those words come out of his mouth, Twilight had suddenly woken up and shout, "ENOUGH!" the second they both stopped doing what they were just doing, Twilight had levitated her guide book and said, "It says right here that the number one thing you're supposed to do at a slumber party is have fun, and thanks to you two, I can't check that off!" I swear to God, if she mentions just one more little tidbit out of that fucking book, I'm gonna...!
Suddenly, more blasts of thunder started to act up. Twilight had turned the lights back on and they all went to the window and saw that a bolt of lightning had blasted the midsection of a tree! To make matters worse, that tree was about to fall upon a house! Applejack then said to Rarity, "Ya see? That's why we needed to take down all those loose branches in town, not spiffy 'em up."
"But I..."
"Outta my way missy," interrupted Applejack, "time's a-wastin'."
She opened the window and was preparing to toss her lasso towards it. As she was getting ready, Rarity cried, "Wait! Stop! Don't!"
But being the stubborn dumbass that she is, Applejack wouldn't listen, "No waitin'! No stoppin'! Just doin'!" she then let her lasso fly across the air and was able to stop the tree from falling onto the house. "And that, my friends, is what we call gettin' her done." Did she really just end that sentence with a Larry the Cable Guy quote? Anyway, the second Applejack had pulled back on her lasso, they each found themselves being suddenly pushed forward! Jonathan had ended up landing face first to the floor, and it resulted in his nose being busted and bloodied! As he placed his hand over his nose while doing Peter Griffin's pain sigh, he looked up and saw that the tree that Applejack had pulled was sticking right through the window and taking up all of Twilight's space.
Rarity then said to Applejack, "I tried to tell you it would come crashing down in here!"
To this, Applejack said, "Well ya shoulda tried harder!"
Then--surprisingly--Jonathan had heard himself shout out, "No, you should've just stopped for a couple of seconds and listened to her, you Goddamn numskull!"
Applejack then said to him in an annoyed tone, "Jonathan, you're really startin' to sound like Jeffrie. And that's the last thing we need right now." Why do they keep telling me this?! She then said to Twilight, "I'm mighty sorry, Twilight."
Then Twilight was like, "It's...well, it's not OK. There's a giant tree branch in my bedroom, and the book doesn't say anything about having a giant tree branch at your slumber party. Or at least I haven't found that entry yet."
As she was skimming through her guidebook, she, Applejack, and Rarity were beyond shocked when Jonathan cried out, "Jesus fucking Christ, Twilight! Will you give that fucking book a rest already?! Don't you see you have more important things to be worrying about?!"
She just looked at him for a while with a "What the fuck" expression on her face, and then she told him, "Jonathan, what's gotten into you? You haven't been being yourself, lately."
"Why do you all keep telling me this?!" cried Jonathan. "I'm pretty sure that I've said these sorts of things to you ponies before; so why do you keep insisting that I never do any of this?!"
"Sweet Celestia," Applejack blurted in irritancy, "do we really have ta spell it out fer ya?"
"Well gee, I just asked you why you always say that Jeffrie's the only one who does this sort of stuff; so yeah, I would like you to spell it out!"
"OK, I'll tell ya; it's because you're too gosh darn whiny!"
Jonathan didn't quite get what it was they were conveying to him, "What're you talking about? I might be pretty moody on a daily basis, but that doesn't make me whiny."
"No, it's true, darling," Rarity stated. "Even on the rare occasions that you do get angry, I always find it rather cute compared to Jeffrie."
Twilight then added more information, "You see Jonathan, when Jeffrie gets angry, it legitimately sounds intimidating; but when you get angry, it just sort of sounds like a little kid throwing a hissy fit."
Jonathan was a bit in denial for a while, "Oh yeah, give me one good example."
Applejack then gave him an example, "On the day y'all were livin' with me and my family, I remember seein' Jeffrie and Andrew draggin' you outside while you were screamin' like a little girl."
Jonathan was a bit flustered at the moment, but he later regained his composure and said, "Yeah, well I'd like to see any of you give me more examples." Then after they each attacked him with a barrage of examples, he eventually lost his cool, "OK, OK, I get it! Just...just let me go down and cool off for a while."
When he went downstairs, he started to pace back and forth as he was having a little temper-tantrum (not the over-the-top ones where he's breaking stuff, just the down-played ones where he's just shouting). "Goddamn these ponies; I come over to tell Twilight that I have the hots for her, and then they had to come in and ruin it! First they prevent me from ever putting a move on her, then she tells me that she was never interested in me to begin with, and now they tell me that I'm whiny! THESE PONIES ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! And I don't get how Jeffrie is able to put up with this; I mean if I were the one who was losing my temper, I probably would've killed them by now!" then his temper was suddenly drained out, for an epiphany had hit him like a ton of bricks. "Oh my God, I finally get it. Jeffrie doesn't just lose his temper over these ponies just for the sake of telling them that he hates them; he does it just to keep me and Andrew from doing it ourselves. Now that I think about it, if Jeffrie wasn't the one to lose his temper, me and Andrew would've murdered them all. And yet day after day, he's constantly keeping us from ever doing that just for the sake of these ponies. I better tell 'em this." And so, as Jonathan was going up the stairs to share his newfound knowledge with the ponies, he was a bit surprised when he noticed that the tree was nowhere to be found. "What happened to the tree?"
"Not to worry, darling," said Rarity, "I was able to get rid of it with my magic."
Then Applejack added, "And we were both able ta put our differences aside and fix this mess together."
"Great," said Jonathan, "now that that's finally out of the way, I want to share with you all on what I just learned today."
"Really, and what's that?" asked Twilight.
"Well Twilight, I think I've finally found out why it is Jeffrie's the one who does all of this mean stuff to all of you. It's because he's trying to keep me and Andrew from hurting all of you. This may sound confusing at first, but if you really think about it, it's kinda true. For example, when were about to go to Sweet Apple Acres when we first got here, Spike had said something that got me so mad that I would've crushed him if Jeffrie hadn't been there to stop me. And I know that Andrew might appear to be a bit of pushover now and then, but if you were to provoke him to some extent, he might really try to hurt you. And the reason why none of this has ever happened is because Jeffrie is always there to keep us from doing these things. He can get annoyed by you ponies, and he knows that we can get annoyed by you ponies too. And that's the reason why he's always the one who yells at you; because if he does before we can, then there's no point for us to yell at you. And after all this time, we've been completely taking him for granted. You all might think of him as some rude asshole for doing these sorts of things; but you should always remember that he doesn't do these things just because he hates you, he does it just to protect you from me and Andrew." After that heartfelt speech, he looked through the window and noticed that all the grey clouds had suddenly dissolved and released the beams of the sun. "Oh look, it finally stopped raining. I suppose it's time for me to be going."
Twilight then said, "Wait Jonathan, wasn't there something you wanted to tell me before the storm had started?"
Now you'd probably be expecting him to take advantage of this one shot he'll ever get, but after all that has transpired, he figured, "Some other time, Twilight. I will tell you what I need to tell you someday, just not today. Besides, I need to have my nose checked anyway." And with that said, he walked out of Twilight's place, failing to get the girl--just as I bet he would.
...
A few minutes later, Jonathan had come back into the house with a large white cloth covering his nose, while being held by a long strap around his face. When he came into the kitchen, he sat next to Andrew--who was eating a bowl of this worlds' equivalent of Cookie Crisp. When Andrew finally saw his face, he was like, "What the Hell happened to you?"
"It's a long story," groaned Jonathan.
"So, did you tell Twilight?"
"No Andrew, I did not. Apparently today wasn't my lucky day after all."
"Well, looks like I've lost five bucks now."
"Why is that?"
"After you left, me and Jeffrie were having bets on whether you would tell her or not. He betted that you wouldn't, while I betted that you would."
"Well thanks for believing in me, man. Where is Jeffrie, anyway?"
"He's still in his room, sleepin'."
"How could he have been able to sleep through that storm?"
"That would be the result of these." Andrew then took out of his pocket and gave to Jonathan a bottle of pills.
"Where did you get these?" asked Jonathan. "And for that matter, why would you need them in the first place?"
A smile then grew upon Andrew's face as he told him, "Well, you remember when he used me as a human shield against that dragon?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I've been planning, and planning, and planning of a way to get back at him for it. When I finally did come up with a plan, I went over to that pony dentist and asked her for some of those pills that you take when you're about to get a tooth removed. When I mentioned Jeffrie, she of course went and gave them to me free of charge. During the thunderstorm, me and Jeffrie were just chillin' and having Coke. When he went to take a piss, I dropped some of them into his can and I just waited for the effects to take over. When he finally did pass out, I took him up to his room, and I finally got my revenge."
Later that morning, I'd finally recovered from my little blackout from last night and had found myself in my room. As I got out of bed, I started to feel this weird pain in my head; as if one of the ponies had kicked me in the noggin. But my focus on the headache had gone away when I suddenly had the urge to take a piss.
So with that said, I quickly ran down the stairs and went into the bathroom. While I was relieving myself, I felt like rubbing my facial hair some more. But as I was stroking my face, I couldn't quite feel any hair at all. It was only when I'd flushed the toilet and looked at myself through the mirror did I realize that my face was completely shaven!
Jonathan and Andrew were of course still in the kitchen; and around the time when I saw my beard-less face, they too had heard the scream that the whole entire community could probably hear.
"Sounds like Jeffrie's awake," Jonathan said to Andrew.
And with a very smug smirk, Andrew said, "Yep, and he should enter in three, two, one..."
I then kicked the door open as I roared, "All right, who the fuck did this?!"
When Jonathan laid his eyes upon my--now--babyface, he was trying his best not to burst out laughing. Andrew however had turned to face me when he said, "That would be my doing." Out of his pocket he took an electric razor and was waving it in front of me.
After looking upon his tool of destruction, I was then like, "What the fuck, man?! I've been waiting my whole life for the day when I can finally keep my facial hair without having to worry about my parents taking it away from me, and then you went and shaved it?!"
"Hey, you had it coming," Andrew retorted. "I told you I would get back at you for using me as a human shield against that dragon; and I did!"
When Jonathan was finally able to get the giggles out of himself, he then shared his opinion with Andrew, "Wow, Andrew, fucking wow! I mean normally this is something that Jeffrie would do to you, and then you just went and gave him a taste of his own medicine. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends becoming the new you after this."
OK, now I'm really determined to get back at Andrew at that point; if there's one thing I'm not gonna put up with, it's the idea of me being the butt of a joke. The Scotch-Irish part of me was saying, I gotta put this punk back in his place! While the Italian part of me was saying, nobody fucks with me and gets away with it! Angel had to learn both those statements the hard-way, and now it seems that Andrew will have to suffer the same fate. But the question is, what would I do to him? With Angel, I just ripped his tail off, but what could I possibly do to Andrew that would be more humiliating than having your facial hair shaved off?
It then suddenly came to me when I looked at his razor again, "Hey Andrew, can I see that razor?"
When he handed me the razor, he and Jonathan started to have a discussion. "So, where did you get that razor anyway?" Jonathan asked Andrew.
"Some store, can't quite remember the name of it though."
"So was it the best they had to offer?"
"Oh yeah, it's one of a kind, really."
"What makes it so different from other razors?"
"Well for starters, it doesn't make a sound."
"A soundless razor, yeah that doesn't sound like bullshit at all."
"No, it's true; the second you turn it on, it makes no sound whatsoever."
After making that bold statement, I then snuck behind him and with the "soundless razor" I did to Andrew what Peter did to Cleveland on that one episode of Family Guy (which was shave the midsection of his hair).
While Jonathan had fallen off of his chair from laughing his ass off, Andrew was like, "What did you do to me, Jeffrie?!"
"Go see for yourself." While Andrew was about to gaze upon his humiliation, I turned to Jonathan and asked him, "So, did you break the news with Twilight?" he immediately stopped laughing after I'd brought that subject up. "You pussed out, didn't you?"
What followed next was the sound of Andrew shrieking like a little girl as he came back into the kitchen and was like, "You...you...you son of a bitch! Look what you did to my hair!"
"I know, funny lookin' isn't it?" I said, "Also, I do believe that you owe me five bucks."
As he grudgingly handed me his gambling debt, he then commenced to bitching, "OK Jeffrie, you might've had your little laugh, but what am I gonna do?! I can't go out lookin' like this!"
"Don't worry Andrew, I wouldn't want you to be even more embarrassed than you already are. Jonathan, see if Rarity has a hat for him to wear." As he was about to walk out of the door, I quickly stopped him and whispered in his ear, "See if you can find that girl hat we made Andrew wear during that little dress prank."
Jonathan looked at me and said, "Gees, Jeffrie, isn't shaving half of his hair off enough?"
"After what he did to my beard; I'm only just beginning."
...
After about a couple of minutes later, Jonathan had finally returned with the same hat that we used on the infamous dress prank. "Here you go, Andrew, this oughta hide your reversed-mohawk."
When he placed it on his head, Andrew went in the bathroom to see what it was and was anything but pleased when he found out. "I can't wear this, it's a girl's hat!"
"Don't get all pissy at me," said Jonathan, "he's the one who told me to get it."
Andrew then turned to me and was like, "Jeffrie, you're not really expecting me to wear this, right?"
"Oh yes I am," I told him. "Not only that, but you're also going to walk outside and let all the ponies see you."
"Well you can forget it, because there's no way I'm going to be seen in public like this!"
"Well Andrew, if you don't feel like going outside today, then I can always just shave the rest of your hair off."
Jonathan then blurted out, "Yeah, you'll be so bald that we'd have to start calling you Dickhead!" and that resulted in the two of us laughing together.
Seeing as how he's going to be humiliated either way, Andrew decided that the best option would be to just go out in public with the rest of his hair intact. As we were about to walk out the door, he muttered to me in his best Daffy Duck impersonation, "You're despicable."
I then gave him my very own smug smirk and said, "Don't blame me, you're the one who fucked with my facial hair, remember?"
As we were walking through Ponyville, we couldn't help but have this strange feeling that the entire town was deserted--probably because there was literally nobody around! When I was finally starting to realize this, I asked Jonathan, "Say Jonathan, when you went to get the hat, wasn't Rarity or Sweetie Belle there?"
"No, the whole place was empty. In fact, nobody was around while I was out."
After a brief moment of silence, Andrew said, "Guys, you don't think that something happened while we were in the house, right?"
"You know what Andrew, that's probably what happened," I agreed with his theory. "Maybe some sort of apocalypse had occurred, and we're the only ones who survived it."
Jonathan decided to ask a question, "But if we're the only ones here, then what does it mean for us?"
With that said, I told him, "Well Jonathan, if we're the only ones in this town, then it means that we can do whatever we want without consequences!"
"What can we possibly do in an abandoned town?" Andrew asked with a hint of doubt.
"Well for starters, I can do this." I then got on top of some soap box and on the top of my lungs, I shouted, "PRINCESS CELESTIA IS MY LITTLE PONY BITCH!"
After that loud outburst, Jonathan was like, "Wow, imagine how pissed the ponies would be if they were around to hear it."
"I know," I said, "but we don't have to worry about that sort of shit anymore!"
"So we can basically just vandalize the town?" asked Andrew.
"Sure, you can practically tear this place apart. Who's to stop you?" and with that said, the guys then went off to perform their own "fuck you society" moments. Jonathan was stomping on some flowers, while Andrew tipped a cart over...yeah, as you can probably tell, they really lack imagination. And so I stopped them and said, "Guys, guys, you're not thinking big enough. I mean we're in an abandoned town; we should be doing stuff that would really get on peoples' nerves. Something like...like..." as I was trying to come up with a good example, I looked towards the horizon and gazed upon a fountain. After just one little look at that fountain, I immediately had an idea. "Guys, follow me."
After leading them to the fountain, Jonathan asked, "So what's the big nerve-wracking thing you're wanting us to do?"
"This." They both just stood there and witnessed as I stepped onto the fountain, let down my zipper, and then commenced to pissing in the water! They pretty much had the same reaction. "Oh, that is sick!"
I turned to them and said, "Well don't just stand there with your dicks in your hands, start pissing."
Jonathan was like, "I don't think that'll be a good idea, Jeffrie."
"Come on, Jonathan," I said, "don't pussy out like you did with Twilight." Not wanting to prove my point, he immediately stepped onward and pissed along. And now it only leaves Andrew, "There's one spot left for you, Andrew." He seemed a bit reluctant at first, but I was able to coax him into it. "Come on Andrew, it's not like anybody's gonna see you."
And after a short pause, Andrew finally said, "You know what, fuck it." And so he'd risen to his place and joined in the pissing festivity. As we were practically filling the entire fountain with our urine, Andrew decided to strike up a conversation. "Imagine the look on Rarity's face if she ever saw us pissing in public."
And then I said, "Yeah, I can totally see Rarity doing one of those over-dramatic faints. You know, the one where she raises her hoof over her forehead and does that high-pitched, girly sigh?" I showed them a demonstration that caused the two of them to piss their pants--literally.
After that quick laugh, Jonathan decided to bring up something that I would never expect from him, "You know, Jeffrie, after having to stay at Twilight's place throughout the storm, I finally learned something about you."
"Like what?"
"Well for starters, I've realized why it is you're always mean to the ponies. I used to think that it's because you just like to overreact all the time; but after having to actually be near them without you or Andrew has made me realize just how annoying they can actually be. And the fact that you're always the one who has to lose his temper in front of them, I can't blame you. I was literally this close to ripping them apart, and yet you of all people are able to just control yourself. What I'm basically trying to say is I'm sorry; really, I'm sorry. Me and Andrew have probably never shown much gratitude for what you do for us, but I just want you to know that I totally get what it is you're having to go through."
After a very awkward silence, I slowly started to build up a chuckle as I said, "What the Hell have you been smoking?!" and then it resulted in a big burst of laughter, "I mean, what the Hell are you even talking about?!"
Jonathan looked at me all flummoxed, "I'm talking about how you're always the one who yells at the ponies because you don't want me or Andrew to hurt them."
My lungs were beginning to feel like exploding at this point, "No, no, no, clearly you must've broken something other than your nose. First off, you and Andrew would never do that because you two don't even have the balls to put a rabid dog out of its misery. And second, I yell at the ponies because it feels good to tell them how much I fucking hate 'em! Protecting the ponies from you and Andrew, that's hilarious!"
Note to self, never think too deeply on anything Jeffrie related ever again, Jonathan thought to himself.
After we'd succeeded in turning all the water in the fountain yellow, we just wandered around some more until we heard the sound of Andrew's stomach, growling. "I sure could use a bite right about now."
When I noticed that we were near Sugarcube Corner, I gave the guys a suggestion, "You know, Sugarcube Corner has gotta shitload of goodies to eat."
"Yeah," Jonathan agreed, "I mean it would be a shame to just let all of those sugary treats go to waste." And so without saying anything else, we immediately went straight to Sugarcube Corner--and boy were we in for a treat. As soon as we'd stepped inside, that's when we saw Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Apple Bloom! It then occurred to me that maybe this is what the other ponies were doing and that they might've heard and seen everything we did. After we just stood there in an awkward daze, Jonathan said, "Hey, we were just talkin' about you guys."
And that resulted in Pinkie Pie responding with this, "Close the door!"
After we'd closed the door, Jonathan tried to strike up a conversation, "Uh...you all didn't hear us say anything completely crazy by any chance, right?"
And after a brief moment of silence, Applejack said, "Sorry, sugarcube, can't say that we really did."
OK, so they might not have noticed, I thought to myself. I was soon broken out of my thoughts when Fluttershy asked me, "Um...Jeffrie, what happened to your beard?"
"Oh that," I said in a mopey tone. "Apparently Andrew thought it would be funny to shave it off while I was asleep." But then my smile was beginning to come back, "But I got him back."
"Is that why he's wearing one of my hats?" asked Rarity.
"No, this is why." As fast as you can say "Swiper no swiping" I immediately removed the hat from Andrew's head and just basked upon the priceless expressions on everybody's faces. It was all silent at first, but then the second Rainbow Dash started to laugh then the others pretty much had to join with her, while some were trying their best to contain themselves.
luckily Jonathan was able to keep a straight face when he said, "OK, now that we've all got that out of our systems, can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on?!"
Apple Bloom then said, "Oh we're just hidin'."
"Hiding from what?" asked Jonathan.
"Her." She and the other ponies pointed at the window; me and the guys looked out and saw what appeared to be a pony wearing a brown cloak.
"Who the Hell is that?" I asked.
"That's Zecora," said Apple Bloom.
"Apple Bloom," Applejack scolded her, "I told you ta never say that name."
"And what's wrong with saying that name exactly?" I again asked.
"It ain't the name that's creepin' everypony out," Applejack explained, "It's just her."
When we looked out the window again, we saw She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named take off her hood and revealed herself to be a zebra. I chuckled a little as I said to the ponies, "Really, you're getting yourselves worked-up over a zebra?"
"A what?" asked Rainbow Dash.
Wow, I didn't think she'd be that much of a dumbass. "A zebra; you know, a white horse with black stripes."
Andrew then said, "I'm pretty sure that they're black horses with white stripes."
To that I said, "No Andrew, it's black stripes because if you were to look at the underbelly, you would see that it's all white under there. So ha!" I then turned my attention back to the ponies, "So what is it about this Zecora that creeps you all out?"
"Well for starters," explained Applejack, "she lives in... the Everfree Forest!"
By the way she was saying it, it seemed to be a big deal. But I was just like, "The Evergreen Forest?"
"No, the Everfree Forest!"
"I don't know, Evergreen just seems to sound better than Everfree. Don't you guys think so?"
Jonathan was like, "Well, it does have a nice ring to it."
And Andrew was like, "It definitely sounds more pleasant than Everfree."
I then said to the ponies, "OK, so why don't we all just start calling it the Evergreen Forest from now on?"
Then Applejack said, "The name of the forest isn't the point; the point is that weird things happen there. And it's just so weird that somepony like Zecora would want ta live in a creepy place like that."
"I know," Pinkie Pie second it, "it's so weird that I've written a song about it!"
Oh dear God, not another one of Pinkie's stupid musical numbers! Me and the guys tried to get out of there, but it was too late. We were forced to have to stay and listen to the horrifying sound of Pinkie Pie singing! Even as she was singing, I was thinking to myself, yeah, there's no way that she'd ever make it on American Idol.
When she finally finished her stupid song, Jonathan said, "Thanks for the song, Pinkie, but that still doesn't quite explain why Zecora is so 'creepy'."
Rainbow Dash then gave him an example, "Well...once a month, she comes into Ponyville."
Getting a bit fed-up with how much of a dumbass she's being, I decided to correct her, "Uh, Rainbow Dash, I don't know if you're aware of this, but...EVERYBODY COMES TO PONYVILLE!"
"Yeah, but she comes here once a month!"
Jonathan then said, "OK, apart from coming here once a month, what else does this 'creepy' zebra do?"
Then Rarity gave her example, "Well, she also lurks by the stores."
"She probably wants to buy groceries," I pointed out. "Isn't that what most people would do when they're 'lurking' by a store?"
"He does have a good point," said Jonathan. "Anything else?"
Fluttershy was next, "After she lurks by the stores, she digs at the ground."
"She's probably a gardener," I pointed that out as well. "Who says that planting flowers was considered creepy?"
"Yeah!" cried Apple Bloom. "Maybe she's just tryin' ta be neighborly."
"Exactly," I said, "and besides, how the Hell do any of you think that all those apple trees in Sweet Apple Acres came to be? Because somebody had to plant them, which would involve digging the ground. And seeing as how you've just established that digging the ground is creepy, that would mean that Applejack is creepy--seeing as how she and her family are the ones in charge of supplying this town with apples."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Applejack, "this ain't about me, this is about Zecora."
Jonathan then decided to ask one last question, "OK, now that you've all shared your little insights about her, you mind telling me how it is you came by this information? I mean, did any of you even talk to her?"
They were all silent for a while, until Rainbow Dash said, "Well, not exactly."
I was then like, "Really, you were all just judging her without even getting to know her?" none of them said anything, "My God, I don't believe this! You mean this whole time you were all just stereotyping her?!"
Apple Bloom came up to me and asked, "What's stereotypin'?"
I looked down and told her, "It's when you judge a person without knowing anything about them."
And then Andrew decided to give a list of examples, "Like when some people say that all Mexicans wear sombreros and eat nothing but tacos. Or when some people say that all Asians are always good at math and eat nothing but sushi. Or when some people say that all Italians are members of the Mafia and only eat spaghetti."
Jonathan then said to all the ponies, "So basically you were all just purposely not showing her any hospitality?"
"Why should we?" asked Rarity, "She's so...different!"
Wow, and I thought that only humans can be racist. And just when I was about to say it myself, Jonathan went and took the words right out of my mouth. "Yeah, no offense, but what you're all saying sounds a little bit racist."
"What's racist?" asked Apple Bloom.
"It's when you hate a certain type of person just for being different:" I explained to her, "like if Applejack was hating Rainbow Dash because she's a pegasus, that would make her racist towards pegasi. And if Rainbow Dash was hating Twilight because she's a unicorn, that would make her racist towards unicorns. And if Twilight were to hate Pinkie Pie because she's an earth pony, that would make her racist towards earth ponies. And if any of them just happen to hate Spike because he's a dragon, then that would make them racist towards dragons."
"So basically my sister and her friends are racist tawards zebras?"
"That pretty much sums it up," I concluded. "Come on, guys."
As me and the guys were about to leave the building, Fluttershy said, "Um, what're you doing?"
"What's it look like we're doing?" I asked rhetorically. "We're going to welcome Zecora."
Pinkie Pie then blocked the door and was like, "No, don't go! Because she's an evil enchantress...!"
"SHUT UP!" I could put up with Pinkie Pie singing once...once. But the second time around is where I draw the line. Anyway, while the ponies just stood there silently, I told them, "Now we are going to go out there, talk to Zecora, and actually get to know her! Then after that, I'm going to come back in, and prove that all of your racist bullshit about her is wrong!" and with that said, me and the guys walked out of Sugarcube Corner.
When we were outside, we saw Zecora digging the ground--probably trying to plant some flowers. I went up to her and started the introductions, "Hi there, I'm Jeffrie and this is Jonathan and Andrew. We just came here to welcome you."
She then stopped digging, slowly turned her head towards me, and said, "I am Zecora, if that's what you want to know. But what I want to know is where did everypony go?"
"Did she really just speak to us in a rhyme?" Jonathan whispered.
Andrew bumped him in the arm as he whispered back, "Quiet, she could've heard you."
Ignoring those rude responses, I decided to just go ahead and answer her question, "Well, this may seem a bit ridiculous, but apparently the ponies here are purposely hiding from you because they think that you're some kind of witch."
She was silent for a while and then she just suddenly burst out laughing. "So after all these years, everypony is thinking bad things about me. Do you three agree?"
I might've felt a bit awkward at that moment, but I was still able to come with a response, "Well, we just thought that it wasn't fair that everybody in this town wouldn't so much as welcome you."
And to that, Zecora rhymed, "I appreciate your kindness, I only pray that the ponies will see the real me through their blindness."
And then Jonathan blurted out, "Why are you talking like that? I mean who do ya think you are? Yoda?"
"I do not know about this Yoda; All I know is that I am Zecora." And this is the point when she finally noticed Andrew's bald midsection. "Forgive me if I stare, but it appears that half of your head is bare."
"Oh that," groaned Andrew, "Jeffrie did this to me this morning; and now I'm probably going to look like a punk rock band member for months."
"Please, do not be such a sad sack," Zecora rhymed, "for I happen to have a gel that'll make it grow back."
"Really?!" exclaimed Andrew.
"Yes, for I happen to have many potions just in case. Especially for when certain things are out of place."
"You wouldn't happen to have any potions that can heal a broken nose by any chance, right?" asked Jonathan.
"For a broken nose, all you need is some healing dust. Just one whiff, and it'll fix what has been bust."
Andrew and Jonathan both dragged me away from Zecora, as they discussed with me in a football huddle, "Jeffrie, you've got to let us get our hands on those potions! These ponies are nuts for always ignoring her!"
"Calm down guys," I told them. "Besides, she probably doesn't want a bunch of strangers just coming at her doorstep for some of her stuff."
And to our surprise, Zecora had somehow overheard our little discussion and said (in rhyme, of course), "If ever you three are in need of my company, just stop by my home that lies in the Forest of Everfree."
And as she was about to leave, I quickly asked her, "Hey Zecora, what do ya think sounds better: Evergreen or Everfree? Because we think that it should be called the Evergreen Forest instead."
She thought for a while and then let her decision be known, "Evergreen is a much better name. Because Everfree sounds lame." We had ourselves a bit of a laugh, said our goodbyes, and then went back inside Sugarcube Corner.
The second we came back in, Pinkie Pie had practically pounced on all of us and was like, "Are you three OK?! Did that evil Zecora cast a spell on any of you?! What did she do, WHAT DID SHE DO?!"
"She did nothing of the sort, Pinkie," I said. "In fact, she was very nice."
"Yeah," Andrew concurred, "when we were talking to her, she said that she could help the rest of my hair grow back."
"And she said that she had something that can completely heal my nose. I mean sure, the way she talks is a little annoying, but all in all, she's a nice person," said Jonathan.
"And starting tomorrow, we're going to pay her a little visit."
"Are you sure that she didn't cast a spell on y'all?" asked Applejack. "Because that would be the only reason why y'all would suggest somethin' that kooky!"
"Did somepony say cookie?!" cried Pinkie.
Ignoring Pinkie's little outburst, I went and made my statement. "And why the Hell shouldn't we? It's not like any of you actually had proof that she's evil; we at least actually went and talked to her, while you were all just doing nothing. Also, weren't you the ones who constantly say that 'friendship is magic'? Because it looked like to me that you were all doing the opposite of that." The ponies were completely stunned after I'd pointed that little bit of information at them. And what can they say after that? I pretty much proved that they were just a bunch of hypocrites; so how can they possibly defend themselves after that? Anyway, while they were still in their state of shock, I ended the discussion with, "Now if you racist bimbos will excuse us, we're gonna go home and get ready for our little visit, tomorrow. And if we're ever in need of knit sweaters or home backed cookies, we'll be sure to let you girls know."
The second we had left the building, Rainbow Dash said, "Am I the only one who finds it weird that he thinks that it's wrong to for us to avoid Zecora, and yet he has no problem being rude to us?"
And to that, Twilight responded, "I used to wonder how he sees things, but I gave up on that ever since the whole Ursa Minor incident."
...
Following the next morning, me and the guys were calmly eating our breakfast, as we got ourselves prepared for our little visit to Zecora's. Then there came a very rapid knock on the door (either Pinkie Pie's finally putting her head to good use, or Princess Celestia had found out about the comment I made yesterday and decided to arrest me). I went to open the door, and to my surprise I saw Spike. "Hey Spike, something the matter?"
"You guys have got to see this!"
Seeing as how we were about to leave anyway, we figured that we could spare a few minutes. As Spike was leading us towards Twilight's place, I asked him, "So what is it that you're wanting us to see?" then right when he opens the door, I'd found myself being impaled by Rainbow Dash--literally! When I'd got back on my feet, I felt like shouting at her, "Watch where you're going, you clumsy bitch!"
"Well excuse me," Rainbow Dash retorted, "but it's not my fault that I'm out of focus!"
As we all went inside, Andrew asked Spike, "Say Spike, what's up with Rainbow Dash?" and right when he was about to tell him, Pinkie Pie comes out of nowhere, and for some strange reason her tongue had blue dots and she kept making this weird spitting sound whenever she tried to say something. Normally our first response would be to say, "Say it, don't spray it," but we were more preoccupied on what it is she was trying to tell us. As she kept trying to spit the words out of her mouth, we each had our own reactions. Andrew was like, "What the fuck is she saying?"
And Jonathan was like, "Is that even English?"
But I on the other hand just simply told her, "You need to enunciate, Pinkie. I sound like a prepubescent Russell Crowe and even I can enunciate."
"Don't bother." We turned around and realized that that groan came from none other than Twilight. Not only that, but we also noticed that her horn had blue dots as well and was as limp as a broken dick.
So I jokingly said, "Did your horn get chicken-pox?"
And like the grumpy, cynical bitch that she is, she told me, "Shut up."
I then turned my attention towards Apple Bloom and greeted her. "Hey Apple Bloom, where's your sister?"
"I'm down here!" cried a very squeaky voice.
Me and the guys were just flummoxed as we were trying to find the source of that voice. "What the Hell was that?" Jonathan wondered. "Was somebody sucking too much helium?"
"I'm on the table!"
Me and the guys looked down on the table and were completely shocked to see that Applejack was about the size of one of those little people from Gulliver's Travels. When Andrew saw this, he was like, "Is that, is that Applejack?"
"Either that, or somebody decided to make an action figure of her," commented Jonathan. And we couldn't help but have a little laugh; but that soon turned into a scream of fright the minute we laid eyes upon some hairy beast! "What the fuck is that thing!"
And to our surprise, the hairy monstrosity said something, "Ooh, I knew that everypony would react this way to this abomination of a hairstyle."
The monster's voice sounded prissy and melodramatic; we knew right away that it was Rarity. Jonathan said to her, "Rarity, is that you?"
"That is Rarity, right?" Andrew wanted to make sure.
"I don't know," I told him while rubbing my chin with my hand. "It could be Tim Burton's missing pet."
"Your criticism isn't making me feel any better," complained Rarity.
"Well gee Rarity," I retorted, "haven't you heard of a haircut?"
"My day's already bad enough as it is; it doesn't need your help."
Meanwhile, Jonathan was taking the time to clarify things, "OK, let's get this straight: Rainbow Dash is clumsy, Pinkie Pie speaks through spitting, Twilight's horn has dots and is wobbly, Applejack's the size of an action figure, and Rarity is in desperate need of a haircut. So what does that leave Fluttershy?"
We each turned to look at her, and surprisingly she seems to be the only one who's normal. "I guess there's nothing wrong with her, right?" Andrew asked.
Fluttershy made no response, so I asked her, "Is there something wrong with you?" still no response. "What's wrong, cat got your tongue?"
And then she finally says, "I don't want to talk about it." And that's when we all reached a new level of "What the fuck?!"
Andrew was like, "Is it me, or did she just grow a pair of balls?" and why wouldn't he react that way? One-minute Fluttershy's voice is all sweet and angelic, and the next minute it suddenly transforms into Barry White!
Anyway, Jonathan then said to Spike, "OK, what the Hell is this, Spike?! Some kind of traveling freak show?!"
Spike just burst out laughing as he said, "I know, right?! We got: Harity, Rainbow Crash, Spitty Pie, Apple Teeny, Flutterguy!" he was going on a roll; that is until he couldn't think of one for Twilight. And this is why it's always important to have a name that doesn't rhyme with anything (It's times like this that make me and the guys glad that there's nothing insulting to rhyme with Jeffrie, Jonathan, or Andrew).
As Spike was trying to come up with a nickname, I stepped towards Twilight just close enough for my finger to reach her horn. Giving it a little flick, I became completely entertained by the sight of her horn flopping around. I kept on doing this--much to Twilight's annoyance--until I had to stop and shout, "Twilight Flopple!" and boy did he and Andrew laughed or what?!
After I'd high fived both of them, Twilight shouted, "Oh knock it off!"
To this I responded, "What's wrong, are you cranky because your horn's all floppy?"
"You shut up!"
"Well it serves you all right! You were all very rude to Zecora yesterday, and now it seems that karma has finally come to bite you on the ass."
"Will it kill you to be on our side for once?!"
"Oh believe me, Twilight, there's nothing I would love more than to be on your side...it's just that my moral character has strictly forbidden me from helping bullies!"
"Moral character my flank," muttered Apple Teeny. After hearing that comment, I looked upon her and realized that I can use her height to my advantage. And seeing as how I might never get another opportunity like this; I walked towards the table and picked her up. As I held her in my clutches, she was screaming, "Put me down! Put me down this instant!"
I then pinched her tiny cheeks as I said, "Aww, you're so cute when you're angry. Yes you are, yes you are."
Right when she tried to bite my finger, she was then like, "Boy, ya better put me down right now!"
"I'm sorry, what was that? You gotta speak up."
"PUT. ME. DOWN!"
"You want a playmate? Well, it just so happens that I'd brought one with me." I then took a G.I. Joe action figure out of my pocket. "Applejack, meet Flint; his hobbies mostly consist of fighting Cobra, and making public speech announcements for kids. What's that, Flint? You wanna kiss her? Well go-ahead soldier." I then started to mash her face with the action figure, while making kissing sounds. While this was happening, I was saying, "Oh look at me, I'm Applejack! I like to make out with toys, even though it's wrong!"
After I'd put the action figure back in my pocket, Apple Teeny took a while to catch her breath and say, "Don't you ever do that again!"
I then decided to move onto the next phase of torture, "Looks like somebody wants to play rocket ship!"
"What in tarnation is...?" she was then sent flying up to the air and landed back in my hand! And whenever she landed, I'd throw her again! And boy was she screaming or what?!
When I'd got tired of rocket ship, I then said, "Hey Jonathan, I believe it's time for catch the Applejack!"
"Catch the what?!" right when she said that she found herself being tossed back and forth by me and Jonathan. It of course came to an end when Andrew butt in and caught her before we could. As he was holding her, he was telling her, "I'm so sorry about this; please don't get angry at me." Wow, they're not even dating, and she already has him whipped.
After I'd snatched Apple Teeny from Andrew, I said, "You know Applejack, now that you're the size of an ant, everything's probably going to be very dangerous for you. We ought to keep you somewhere safe. Now let's see..." I looked around the room and soon spotted an ant farm. "Oh, how 'bout this ant farm? It may seem crowded, but for somebody of your size, it's practically a suite!"
As I was getting closer and closer to the ant farm, Apple Teeny was really trying her best to escape from my grasp. Just when I was about to drop her in, Spike suddenly said, "You know, Jeffrie, we could just use a jar instead."
After contemplating the matter while hanging Apple Teeny over the ant farm at the same time, I decided, "Sure, why not?" when Spike had come back with the jar, I noticed that it had pickles in it. "Uh, Spike, I don't think that's going to be enough room for her."
"Well I could always eat the pickles." Spike suggested.
"There's no need for that," I stated, "I'll just get rid of them the old fashion way." And with that said, I took the jar, opened the lid, and splattered it all over Twilight Flopple.
She gave me a death-glare as she said, "If I could use my magic right now, I'd so make you pay for that!"
After placing Apple Teeny inside the jar, I turned to Andrew and said, "Hey Andrew, let me see your pocketknife."
As he took his knife out of his pocket, he asked, "Why do you need it?"
"So I can put some holes in the lid, of course." And right when he'd handed it over, I immediately commenced to rapidly stabbing the lid! After I'd gave the knife back to Andrew, I looked at Apple Teeny and noticed that she looked like that she had a panic attack. "Gee Applejack, you don't look so good. What you need is some exercise!" and that's when I started to shake the jar.
Through the shaking, I could hear Apple Teeny screaming, "Stop this crazy thing!" and when I was finally growing tired of it, her face had sort of turned green. "I think I'm gonna throw-up."
Feeling that I've had enough fun, I gave the jar to Spike. "Here Spike, hold on to this; because if she ever gets out, then chances are we might never see her again."
Apple Teeny was finally able to regain her consciousness to give me a threat. "Boy, when I get big again, you're gonna be so sorry!"
"If you get big again." I corrected her.
Jonathan then blurted out, "OK, will somebody please just tell me what the fuck is going on?! I mean how did all of this happen?!"
Apple Bloom then started to explain everything, "Well, yesterday I went ta the Everfree Forest ta see if Zecora was everythin' that y'all described her ta be. Then my sister and her friends came ta get me, and then Zecora came and said somethin' ta us."
"What did she say?" asked Jonathan.
"I believe she said, 'Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!'"
"Leaves of blue?" Andrew pondered. "What leaves of blue?"
"When all of this was happenin', we were surrounded by these blue plants."
Seeing as how we've probably wasted enough time here already, I tried to end the conversation. "OK here's the thing, we're going to visit Zecora; and while we're there, we just might ask her a thing or two about the 'blue plants'."
Spitty Pie then tried to tell us something. But that only resulted in Jonathan telling her, "Look Pinkie, unless you have some kind of device that can translate spit into words, we are never going to understand you!"
And right when Rainbow Crash had clashed onto the table, she said, "She's saying that it was Zecora who did this."
So just a reminder people: she's never heard of a zebra, or understands the concept of how a town functions, but she somehow understands what Spitty Pie says. Anyway, I looked upon Rainbow Crash and said, "Really, you're still under the biased delusion that she's evil, even though we clearly proved that she's just misunderstood?"
Hairity then said, "Well this is so obviously her doing!"
And to that I said, "My God, you ponies can't be so racist! Just because a person is different from you, that doesn't mean you can just make up bullshit lies about them!"
Flutterguy then said in her manly voice, "But she's the reason why we're ridiculous."
"And what proof do you have?" the awkward silence that followed after was all the proof I need to know that I've won round two of the Zecora debate.
Andrew then announced, "OK, so while you ladies stay here and look like freaks, me and Jonathan are gonna go see Zecora and get some of those potions she's been talkin' about."
Jonathan added, "And if you're all nice, we just might make sure that Zecora saves some for you."
I stopped the guys and said, "But before we do go, there's one last thing I gotta do." And with that said, I walked over to Spike, opened the lid to the jar, and I spat a big wet loogie all over Apple Teeny! "That's for telling me to mind my own business!" I whispered to the minuscule cowgirl. And as we were running away, I coulda sworn that I heard her shouting, "Jeffrie, you're gonna be fertilizer when I'm through with ya!"
...
This was the first time that me and the guys had ever been in the Everfree Forest; and let me tell you something, there's nothing scary about it! I don't see why these ponies make a big deal about it, it's just an ordinary forest like any other. (And that alone is all the reason to change the name to Evergreen.)
Anyway, after we've been walking through this--not so--scary forest, we then came upon a tree that had a bunch of colorful bottles hanging around the branches, and some African masks. I'm assuming that this is Zecora's place, I thought to myself. After knocking the door and seeing that it was none other than Zecora herself, I was right!
"Ah, Jeffrie and company, I bid you welcome. I was starting to worry that you three wouldn't come. Please, do come inside. For it has been long that I had to abide."
When we were inside her home, we gazed upon a lot of strange stuff like a black cauldron, more African masks, and the potions that she was practically raving about. Zecora grabbed something that looked like a toothpaste tube and said, "Andrew shall be the first to go, for I've happened to come upon the gel that'll make his hair grow."
She then gave the tube a squeeze and let the gel spread all over his bald section. Andrew stood silent for a while and then said, "I don't feel any different."
Zecora handed him a towel and rhymed, "First, rub the gel off of your head and gaze through the mirror. Then you shall see the effects quite clearer."
Andrew went and did just that; and right when he had taken the towel off of his head, we were all surprised to see all of his hair had grown back! He then gave Zecora a big hug as he was saying, "Thank you, thank you! You don't how much this means to me!"
"I'm glad to have been of good support," Zecora rhymed, "now I shall fix the part of Jonathan's face that makes a snort." She then went to a cupboard and grabbed a small bag. "Please remove the bandage that covers your face, for it's the only way to fix that which has been deface." So without arguing, Jonathan took the bandage off and we all got to see what a nose job from Freddy Krueger must look like. Zecora then undid the bag and laid some dust upon a table. "With your nose, take a whiff. For once the dust has been inhaled, only then shall you regain the ability to sniff."
Without saying anything, Jonathan bent his knees, and he shoved his face into the dust the same way Al Pacino did to the mountain of cocaine in Scarface. What followed next was Jonathan letting out a big sneeze, then next thing you know, his nose had gone back to normal! And like Andrew, he too thanked Zecora by giving her a big hug.
She then turned to me and asked, "Now what ails you? If you're in any distress, then there's nothing my potions can't do."
"Actually Zecora," I started. "It's something that concerns you."
"Really? Do tell; while I continue to fix up a certain spell."
So while she was making something in her big, black cauldron, I told her everything. "OK Zecora, something really fucked-up is happening to the ponies, and they seem to be blaming you for it. Apple Bloom had told us that yesterday, you were warning the ponies about 'leaves of blue'. What were you talking about, exactly?"
Zecora chuckled a bit, closed some sort of ingredient book that she was reading, and through rhyme she said, "This Apple Bloom is referring to the day when I warned the ponies of the leaves of blue. You come searching for a lot of answers to a big mystery, yet all you really need is one clue."
Jonathan then asked her, "So what exactly are these 'leaves of blue' that you were warning the ponies about?"
And Zecora told him, "The leaves of blue are nothing more than the plant known as poison joke; a plant whose effects are very similar to that of poison oak."
"So you're saying that the ponies look like freaks because they stepped in a plant that's sort of like poison oak?" asked Andrew.
"Correct. For a hairless monkey, you have quite an intellect."
"Isn't there a cure?" I asked.
"A cure is exactly what I am brewing. You three better run back to Ponyville and come back with these supplies quickly, before my undoing."
After giving us a list of supplies, it was then clear that she was asking us to go get them for her (seeing as how none of those racist jackasses would let her anywhere near the damn stores). And if the ponies are as racist as we thought they were, then they're probably forming lynch mobs at this point. And if they do, then they would officially make the Ku Klux Klan look like boy scouts.
And after all the nice things that she's done for us, there was no way that we were going to let her be tarred and feathered. So without wasting anymore time, me and the guys quickly rushed to the door; but right when we opened it, there stood Apple Bloom! "Apple Bloom," I cried, "what're you doing here?!"
Then she said, "I was worried that Zecora did somethin' evil ta y'all; so I came ta see if y'all were OK."
I then bent my knee and told her, "Apple Bloom, sweetie, I already told you and the others that Zecora isn't evil. She's even working on a cure right now."
"A cure?"
"Yes Apple Bloom, Zecora isn't the one who made your sister and her friends look ridiculous; it was the blue plants she was warning them about. Now Apple Bloom, we need to get these things as quickly as possible. So do ya think you can help us?"
"Sure, I can help you fellers."
"Then see if you can take us to a store that has them."
...
As we were running back to Ponyville, we ran by the fountain where I saw a filly asking her mom, "Mommy, why's the water yellow?" as much I'd wanted to bask in the hilarity of that moment, I knew that we needed to focus on getting the supplies.
When we finally came upon a store, Apple Bloom handed the list over to the shopkeeper and said, "Excuse me Mister, but do ya have any of these?"
As the shopkeeper looked over the list, he told her, "Oh yes, they're right in the back." As we were going to collect them, the shopkeeper stopped Andrew and said, "Hey, you're that human who I sold the soundless razor to."
"Wow, what're the odds of us bumping into each other?" asked Andrew.
"I know, right? So how's the razor doin' for ya?"
"I gotta admit, it's a pretty neat piece of technology."
"You betcha, one of these days everypony in Equestria will have one."
"Who knows?"
We then came back with the supplies. After we'd succeeded in purchasing them, we immediately headed straight to Zecora's. And as we were running, I coulda sworn that the theme when Ferris Bueller was racing back home before his parents found out that he wasn't sick was playing in my head.
...
The second we'd re-entered Zecora's home, we found Zecora being surrounded by the ponies--including Spike. And boy was her place a mess or what?! Either these ponies don't have it in them to actually hurt an innocent creature, or they were just warming themselves up. Anyway, Apple Teeny--who was still in the jar--cried out, "Apple Bloom, you're OK!"
To that, Apple Bloom said, "Why wouldn't I be?"
Then Twilight Flopple told her, "Because Zecora is an evil enchantress who cursed us and was gonna cook you up into soup!"
Wow, and she's supposed to be the smart one, I thought to myself. What followed next was a long, painful silence of me looking at the ponies with a stern/disappointed expression on my face. I was soon able to get the nerve to tell them, "Are there any other groups that you all just want to insult? I mean, clearly the pony race must be so vast and full of variety, that I'm sure that you can come across the stripped face of every single zebra on the planet. And Hell, why bother focusing on a group? Why don't you just show us ugliness in every shape and form; you're all good at that! And don't even bother letting your duty of spreading the values of friendship get in the way; just use it whenever Zecora does something 'evil'! You know, like making a cure after you all stepped into a certain blue plant called poison joke!"
Twilight Flopple then said, "You mean...all of this was the result of us stepping into those blue plants?"
"That's right, and Zecora was working all day to make a cure for all of you. And this is the thanks you give her? By breaking into her home and trashing her place? You know, you should all be ashamed of yourselves! I mean when we'd came to this planet, none of you acted this way towards us; and yet you'd show none of the same hospitality towards her?! In fact, Zecora, I don't think they deserve a cure."
"What?!" cried the ponies.
"Yeah, you all heard me, none of you had done anything that shows that you're worthy of her kindness. And let's not forget, Zecora; these are the same ponies who purposely hid from you and make up racist bullshit about you. If you ask me, I'd say these ponies owe you a big, fat apology."
Rainbow Crash then said to Zecora, "Oh come on, you're not really gonna listen to this bozo, are ya?"
Zecora let out a soft chuckle and said, "I'm afraid Jeffrie is right; if you all want the cure, then you all must apologize for this plight."
Everybody was silent for a while, then I broke the silence. "Well, are you all gonna apologize or not?"
And then they'd all said, "We're sorry Zecora, we never should've judged you before we got to know you. Can you ever forgive us?"
"Apology accepted," Zecora rhymed, "now is the time to give you all the cure. But first we must go to a place that is pure."
The second she'd said those words, Harity said, "I believe that I know of such a place."
...
As Harity was leading us to this "place that is pure" Jonathan asked Zecora, "So... how do you know what the cure was, exactly?"
And then she told him through rhyme, "We can find answers to many questions if we stop to look. I've just happened to find them in this book."
When she took the book out, Spike said, "Say, that looks like the same book we have in the library."
I was then like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, you had this book?"
"Yep," Spike confirmed, "but Twilight thought it was useless, so she didn't bother looking at it. And it's funny because if she did, she could've made the cure herself."
I then looked back at Twilight and said, "Really Twilight? The answer was literally right in front of your face, and you didn't bother to take advantage of it? You know, I beginning to wonder if Celestia made a mistake when she chose you to be her student; I mean, I don't think she of all ponies would just let any idiot be her personal pupil."
And she in turn responded with, "You know, Jeffrie, your insults are really starting to irritate me!"
"You think you're the only one annoyed by this guy?!" cried Rainbow Crash.
"You're the ones who practically begged for me to stay," I pointed out. "It's not like I forced you all to build a house for me and my friends."
Rainbow Crash then said to Twilight, "Seriously, why did we want them to stay again?"
We then finally came to the "place that is pure", which turned out to be nothing but a spa. But while we were in the spa, all the ponies--except Apple Teeny--went into a hot tub that had the cure in it. Twilight's horn stopped flopping, Rainbow Dash finally regained her focus, Rarity's hair was just right, Fluttershy sounded like a girl again, and to my everlasting dismay, Pinkie Pie could talk again.
As I was holding the jar, Apple Teeny said, "Well don't just stand there, dump me in the hot tub."
I was about to, but then I stopped. "Nah, I actually prefer you this way."
"Boy, ya better dump me in that hot tub if ya know what's good for ya!"
"OK, I'll dump you in, right after you admit that I was right about Zecora."
"All right, fine! You were right about Zecora not being evil, and we were all wrong. Now dump me in the hot tub!" I stood still. "Didn't ya hear me?! I said dump me in the hot tub!"
"Oh I heard that; but what I didn't hear was 'please'."
She then began to grind her teeth as she said, "Please dump me in the hot tub!"
Right when I was about to do just that, I noticed a bucket that was just lying around. "Hey Zecora, is there any of the cure in that bucket?"
"Yes, I believe so," she rhymed. "But why must you know?"
"Oh, just wondering." I walked towards the bucket, opened the lid, and I prepared myself to dump Apple Teeny.
"Don't you do it," she threatened. "Don't you dare do it!"
I raised my hand and told her, "Bon voyage." And with one little push, I'd sent her falling into the bucket.
The second she'd touched the water, she became big again--except her butt was stuck to the bucket! As I was having myself a big laugh, Applejack hopped back to all four hooves, and with anger she said, "Now you're gonna get it!"
Zecora leaned to my shoulder and rhymed, "You might've had a little bit of fun. But now it is time for you to run."
But before the chase could begin, I said, "Wait, there's one thing that must be done." I turned to Jonathan and said, "Play it." He then took out his iPod and he played the Benny Hill theme.
Right when the music started, I was running all over the spa as Applejack was shouting, "Wait 'til I get my hooves on you! I'll teach ya ta put me in a jar, and spit on me!"
"It'll be worth it!" I said with laughter. But I'd stopped laughing the second she'd caught a towel and started to whip me in the behind! This of course caused me to run faster.
Now apart from Applejack chasing me down, today was a pretty good day. Andrew got his hair back, Jonathan's nose was healed, the ponies finally found it in themselves to put their deeply rooted zebra prejudice aside, but more importantly, Zecora was finally accepted into the community.
A couple of days later, all the ponies were preparing a big welcome party to Princess Celestia. Me and the guys were just roaming around, checking out on all of the preparations. As we were walking around, I saw something that would've made milk come out my nose--even though I never drink it. When Andrew noticed that I was trying to contain myself, he asked, "What's up with you?" I then pointed at the cause of this, and both he and Jonathan laid eyes upon a sign that literally said: WELCOME PRINCESS CELEST!
Eventually they each started to chuckle as well, and next thing you know we all just let it out. "Did they seriously just write that?!" asked Jonathan.
"I mean, who wrote this?! Derpy?!" Andrew commented.
As my laughter started to die down a bit, I then said, "I wonder what would happen if I ever said this to Celestia?"
"What do ya mean?" inquired Andrew.
"Like if I just happen to bump into her, and say 'Hey Princess Celest', how would she react?"
"I don't know," said Jonathan, "maybe she'd strike you in the ass with lightning." He and Andrew laughed some more after that comment; but I got the last laugh after giving Jonathan's nose a death grip! "Easy on the nose, Jeffrie!"
"Oh relax," I loosened my grip, "if your nose gets broken, just ask Zecora for some of that magic cocaine."
Anyway, we then found ourselves entering Carousel Boutique. There we saw Twilight watching Rarity work on some kind of outfit. At first, we thought that the whole "Celest" screw-up was the funniest moment of today, but what we were about to see was ten times funnier than Andrew in a dress--and that's saying a lot! Like I've said before, Rarity was working on some kind of outfit; an outfit that looks so ridiculous, that even Lady Gaga would die from embarrassment. This was the kind of outfit that could only be found in the 1800's (I know this because the said outfit had a powdered wig to go with it)!
But that's not the reason why this is so damn funny. No, the overall reason is because of the person who's having to wear it. Seeing as how this is Rarity we're talking about, you'd probably think that she'd have Spike or Sweetie Belle do this. But no, the person that she's forcing to wear this outfit is none other than...Rainbow Dash!
Yes, you've heard right. Rainbow Dash: the arrogant, tom-boyish, Top Gun wannabe, is literally wearing an outfit that even Disney Princesses would laugh at. Now as you've probably guessed, me and the guys immediately started to laugh our asses off!
"What's with the outfit?!" I said to Rainbow Dash. "You goin' to the opera?!"
Andrew decided to add a comment of his own, "Sh-she looks like Mozart's bitch!" and this is the point where me and the guys took our cellphones and started to take pictures.
Rainbow Dash would've tried to beat the crap out of us, if Rarity hadn't stopped her. "Stay still, Rainbow Dash. You're gonna mess up the outfit."
"You're not making this any better, Rarity!" Rainbow Dash grumbled.
Anyway, as I was setting up my wallpaper, some little ball shaped bug flew up to my face and I was like, "Ah, a bug!" I then smashed it with both my hands, which resulted in Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, screaming as if they were in a horror/slasher movie.
When the bug landed on the ground, I stomped it, took my shoe off and beat it repeatedly, gave it a couple of elbow drops, and then I took a quick breather and finished it with an extra elbow drop. Andrew then said in Mortal Kombat style, "Overkill."
Twilight then walked up to me, keeping her "what the fuck" expression, and she said in a--not so--subtle manner, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
And to that, I said, "Twilight, that was a bug."
"The point being?" asked Twilight.
"The point is," I responded, "I hate bugs!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Rainbow Dash, "last time I remember, Fluttershy specifically mentioned that you hated bats, not bugs."
"Oh no, he hates bugs just as much as he hates bats." Andrew clarified, "He hates bees, mosquitos, wasps, hornets, ants, dragonflies, spiders, pretty much any insect you can think of."
I turned to him and said, "I might be afraid of things that most people wouldn't make a big deal about, but at least I'm not afraid of clowns!"
"Hey, clowns are scary!" said Andrew defensively. "Sure, they may look all fun and cheerful; but the second you turn your back, they'll destroy us all!" and he just stood there, repeating "Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!"
Rarity then went up to me and said, "Oh Jeffrie, how could you possibly hate something that's so adorable?"
And to that, I said, "Rarity, they're bugs! There's nothing adorable about them! They're hideous, they're creepy, and they're a complete pain in the ass! And besides, Rarity, if you keep all of these bugs in your shop, then they're going to chow down on your dresses." She then let out a big, loud gasp. "Yeah, that's right, bugs just love to feast on clothing. And the longer they stay here, the chances of all your dresses becoming nothing more than chewed-up bits of cloth starts to get higher." And then Rarity did one of her famous over-dramatic faints. I then turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash, "If I were any of you, I'd start killing every last one of these little motherfuckers before they start multiplying. And trust me, you don't want to see what they do when they multiply. I've seen something like this happen in Gremlins, and boy it wasn't a pretty picture."
When me and the guys were about to leave, Pinkie Pie comes in and says, "Does anypony know where I can find an accordion?"
And I told her, "Have you tried a music store? You know that place where instruments are sold."
Pinkie was then like, "Wow, why didn't I think of that?"
Because you have a cupcake for a brain. Before I could even say that Pinkie rushes out of the boutique and me and the guys decided to take the chance to go back home.
...
When we were finally back at the house, Andrew was literally still shouting, "Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all!" starting to get annoyed at this point, I took out the same razor that Andrew used to shave my beard and said, "You want me to shave your hair off again?" and then he wisely shut his trap. At this point, I decided to strike up a conversation, "Why the Hell do bugs even exist to begin with? I mean what purpose could they possibly serve?"
"I don't know," said Jonathan, "maybe you can ask God when you're in Heaven."
"Yeah, I bet that just gotta be one of the biggest mysteries to mankind." I then went over a list, "God, why do bugs exist? What's the point of living if we're just gonna die anyway? Why the Hell do people keep believing in Democrats?" and we had ourselves a little laugh.
We then started to hear screaming; I took a peek out of the door, and to my horror, I saw a swarm of bugs attacking the town! I quickly closed and locked the door as Jonathan said, "What the Hell's going on out there?"
"Oh nothing," I told him, "Ponyville's just being attacked by a plague of locus."
"What?!"
"You remember those bugs over at Carousel Boutique?"
"Yeah."
"Well, they just multiplied, and we're gonna have to stay inside for the time being."
"So what're we gonna do?" asked Andrew.
"We could always watch a movie." I sat on the couch and started to browse through Netflix. Seeing as how I'd already called Andrew out on his fear of clowns, I figured that it's only fair that I poke some fun at Jonathan's fear. Which is why I selected Snakes on a Plane; and the second it started, Jonathan immediately ran straight to his room. So in case you missed it, he's basically the only person who took that movie seriously.
...
As we were about to get to the famous "motherfucking snakes" speech, we started to hear something that sounded somewhat like polka music. Jonathan slowly came down the stairs and said, "Is that polka music?"
I went to see what was going on, and that's when I saw Pinkie Pie leading a parade of bugs, through the power of polka music. Andrew was like, "Should we see where they're heading?"
And Jonathan said, "Whatever keeps the focus off of snakes." And with that said, we went and followed her.
We then found ourselves getting nearer to the Everfree Forest; and that's when we noticed Twilight and the other ponies talking to Princess Celestia. As we were walking up to them, Celestia looked at me and said, "Good evening, Jeffrie."
And in my best Jerry Seinfeld impression, I told her, "Hello, Celest."
She was silent for a while and then she said to Twilight, "Anyway Twilight, I really must be going." And she got upon her chariot and went off.
"What's she in a rush for?" asked Jonathan.
Twilight turned to him and said, "She said she couldn't attend the festival because of an infestation in Fillydelphia."
After Pinkie was finished getting rid of those bugs, Andrew said, "Dang Pinkie, you sure showed those bugs who's boss."
"Oh it was nothing," said Pinkie. "Everypony knows that a parasprites' only weakness is polka music."
"Yeah, you sure know how to play music." Andrew praised her skill, "Speaking of which, Jonathan, call me on your cellphone."
He called him and started to hear the ringtone play the same polka music. "Hey Jeffrie, call me on your cellphone."
I went and did that, and what a shock, his ringtone just happens to have the same music. "Hey guys, let's call each other at the same time." We each did that, and then all three of all our ringtones combined into one giant ringtone.
As we were walking back to Ponyville, Twilight said to Pinkie, "You saved my reputation with Princess Celestia, and more importantly, you saved Ponyville." That's when we saw the destruction that the parasprites had left behind. "Or not."
I was about to do the "waa, waa, waaaa" sound, but Pinkie had beaten me to it. But that didn't stop me from saying, "Well good luck with cleaning up this mess."
And as we were about to head back to the house, Applejack was like, "Aren't y'all gonna lend us a hoof?"
And to that I told her, "We would, except we don't have hooves!" I figured if you're gonna end a fucked-up day, you might as well end it with a laugh.
As we were heading back home, Rainbow Dash said to Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, you wouldn't happen to be hiding another parasprite by any chance, would ya?"
"Oh no," said Fluttershy, "I've learned my lesson."
Rainbow Dash then gazed towards me at the distance. You might've gotten away this time, but I'll get you.
Months later, me and the guys finally got to experience our first winter in Ponyville--and boy did it suck! Back in Texas, it never snowed during the winter. A bit of me was hoping that it wouldn't snow during the winter in Ponyville as well. God do I hate snow; I've hated it ever since that one time when me and my family had to live in Alaska for a year. Every morning I would have to put on a snow coat and shovel out snow. And boy was the weather cold! It was so cold that I couldn't feel any part of my body! And don't get me started on the strong blizzard winds; those winds were so strong that I always felt as if I was about to be blown into Outer Space! I bet that some of you are probably saying, "Oh, it'll be worth it just to throw snowballs and build snowmen." Well let me fill you in on something: IT'S NOT FUCKING WORTH IT! It all might look easy on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and every other Christmas special; but it's a lot harder than it looks! The second I tried to make a snowball, it would just crumble into little, tiny pieces. And the same thing would happen when I tried to build a snowman! So don't bother trying to go up north to do any of those things; because chances are, you might suffer the same disappointment that I had to feel.
Speaking of which, when it came to the business of having to shovel all the snow around the house, me and the guys determined who would have to do it through a good ole round of Nose Goes. Andrew was the last one to touch his nose, so he had to carry the burden throughout the entire winter. He complained at first, but after I'd pulled the electric razor out of my pocket, he immediately went outside without any further complaints
...
A few days later, winter was finally about to come to an end, and all the ponies were getting themselves prepared for this big event that they like to call, Winter Wrap Up. While me and the guys were lying around the couch, trying to get warm, we could hear all the ponies--and I do mean all--singing a musical number! I've always thought that it was only Pinkie Pie who does this annoying habit, but it turns out all the ponies feel that they have to make a song out of every little mundane thing they do. I'm serious, one of them could just be going to the bathroom and that would somehow result in a song.
Anyway, when the singing finally stopped, me and the guys decided to go see what it is they do, exactly. We saw a bunch of ponies wearing different types of vest; some were either shoveling snow or just doing something that didn't involve shoveling.
As we were just walking around, we saw Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and Rarity, hanging out at some table, making birds nest. As we went to get a closer look, Twilight noticed us and said, "Oh hey guys, what do you think of the nest I just made?"
We looked at it, and I'm not gonna lie, it ain't pretty. The nest that Twilight made literally looked like something that Derpy would've made. I didn't have anything nice to say about that nest, so I just kept my mouth shut. Andrew was still gaping in an awestruck manner at how God awful that thing looked to even make a reaction. Jonathan however would do anything to make Twilight fall in love with him, so he told her, "It looks...great."
Rarity then said to Twilight, "Oh yes, darling, it does look great. The birds can use it as..."
"An outhouse?" Spike blurted out.
This resulted in me letting out a loud chuckle, which in turn resulted in Rarity asking me, "And what, might I ask, is so funny?"
"Oh it's nothing," I told her. "It's just that what Spike said about Twilight's nest being an outhouse was actually kinda funny." Twilight started to look sad, so I tried to cheer her up. "But you know something else? This nest can also be..." I then took the nest and placed it on Jonathan's head, "A hat."
I was able to get a chuckle out of her, Spike, and Rarity, but all I got from Jonathan was an angry look and a sarcastic remark. "Ha ha ha, very funny."
After he'd placed the nest back on the table, we then followed alongside Twilight and Spike, while Rarity was left behind to fix the monstrosity. As we were walking along, I decided to strike up a conversation with Twilight. "So... what was up with the nest making over there?"
She then said, "Oh, well you see, this is my first Winter Wrap Up here in Ponyville, and I just want to do my part."
"And I'm sure that everybody here will be more than grateful to have your help."
"Thanks Jeffrie, you don't know how much this means to me coming from you."
After that, I went back to the guys so we could have our private conversation. After I'd explained everything to them, Jonathan said, "So she's basically trying to be accepted?"
"Pretty much."
Andrew then decided to change the subject, "Say Jonathan, did you really think that Twilight's nest looked great?"
"Hell no, that thing looked like it was made by Derpy!"
Oh hey, that's exactly what I was thinking, I said in my head. But I said to him out loud, "So basically you were just trying to get her to like you?"
"No shit," said Jonathan. "After finding out that she was never thinking about me in any romantic fashion, I clearly have to get her to think of me somehow!"
"You know, Jonathan," I explained to him, "maybe it's because you're wooing her the wrong way; maybe she's into funny guys. I mean, didn't ya see how she'd chuckled at that hat joke? Maybe you just need to make her laugh."
Andrew added, "Yeah, get yourself a nice haircut, shave your face a little, start smiling more often, and start wearing new clothes and you can be her personal court-jester."
That might've made me laugh, but not as much as when Jonathan told Andrew, "Yeah, and if you would just head over to Applejack, kneel behind her, and duct tape your lips on her butt and then you can be her personal ass-kisser!" and that would result in Andrew crossing his arms, and making a pouty face.
After more roaming around, we came upon a frozen lake and there we saw Pinkie Pie ice skating...or is it figure skating? I don't care, they're the same to me. Anyway, while Pinkie was skating the ice, she somehow was able to use her skates to just slice through the ice and release the water. After she was finished with her little Olympic performance, Andrew--being the suck-up that he is--decided to applaud her. "Wow, Pinkie, that was a pretty neat trick."
"Thanks," said Pinkie, "I've been doing this since I was an itty-bitty, little-wittle, Twinkie-Pinkie. What I do is that I cut lines in the lake with my skates. That way, when the rest of the weather team comes here to break the ice, it'll be as easy as pie."
Twilight then commented, "Oh, I get it; when the thick ice begins to melt, it'll break along the lines. Well, you sure have a lot of work ahead of you, there's quite a few lakes in Ponyville."
"Ha, tell me about it." Pinkie admitted. "Hey, Twilight, wanna help me out?"
"Would I?"
"Come on, put on those skates over there."
After putting the spare skates on her hooves, she went along with Pinkie as they began to carve out the next lake. As they were about to skate, I asked Spike, "Uh Spike, Twilight does know how to skate, right?"
Jonathan then decided--for once in all the times I've known him--to actually have some hope. "Oh she'll be fine; I bet she'll be a natural."
But right when he'd said those words, we started to see the reason why Twilight never skated in her life. While Pinkie seemed to be skating with some amount of grace, Twilight however was clumsy at best. She was literally skating as if she were in a Goofy cartoon--all that was missing was for her to make the famous Goofy yell. She carved so many lines that the ice was beginning to get all cluttered up, and it resulted in her and Pinkie crashing headfirst into the snow!
In response to Jonathan's earlier statement, Spike tells him probably one of the funniest insults ever to be heard in the history of insults. "Oh, she's a natural all right; a natural disaster!"
And I just had to laugh, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Twilight! But you have to admit that it's pretty damn funny!" and I also had to award Spike with a high five (because I had to admit, sometimes he can make better insults than I can).
After her little mishap with the ice, Pinkie suggested that she go help Fluttershy. So without any further notice, we left Pinkie to her skating and went to find Fluttershy waking up hibernating animals. After she'd finished waking a family of porcupines, she turned and was surprised to see Twilight. "Oh, hello Twilight! I wasn't really expecting to see you here." And then when she'd finally noticed me, her cheeks started to turn red as she'd slowly turned her face away. "Hi Jeffrie, it's nice to see you as well."
I could hear the guys sniggering behind my back--they're lucky that I don't stuff some snow down their pants. Anyway, Twilight decided to make her request. "Say Fluttershy, you wouldn't mind if I'd lend you a hoof with your animal friends?"
"Will you?!" exclaimed Fluttershy. "Oh, that would be wonderful." She then turned to me and whispered, "I could also use your help too." Andrew then started to make smooching sounds and that's when I decided to sneak behind him and stuff snow down his pants.
Anyway, while Andrew was running around the background, dragging his butt on the ground like a dog and doing anything that would make him look like an idiot, me, Jonathan, and Spike just watched as Twilight tried to wake up some of the animals. She walked up to some little burrow and started to ring a bell. She was probably expecting a family of bunnies at the very least, but she instead got a family of snakes!
As she was backing away, I said to Jonathan, "Look at that, Jonathan, it seems that she shares your fear of snakes."
But then she ended backing into a cave full of bats! As she was running away, Jonathan said to me, "And it seems she has your fear of bats."
And then she ends up bashing herself against a tree, which would then cause a beehive to fall right on top her head! While she was running around, me and Jonathan were both trying to resist the urge to shout, "Not the bees!"
But the worst was just about to come; because the beehive was stuck to her head, she wasn't able to notice the skunks that were right in front of her. And I'm pretty sure you can guess what would become of her afterwards.
...
While Fluttershy was giving Twilight a nice tomato juice bath, me, Jonathan, and Spike, decided to check on Andrew. As we were coming closer, it was there that Spike had noticed that Andrew was in the process of making yellow snow. "What is that?" asked Spike.
Andrew zipped up his jeans and said, "What, that? It's yellow snow."
"How did it become yellow?"
"Because I'd pissed on it."
"And you're allowed to do that?"
"Well who says you can't?" I inquired.
Spike looked up to me and said, "Well...it's just I've never seen anypony else do this."
"Then you don't know what you're missing," I said, "I might not know who first started this, but yellow snow has got to be one of the greatest discoveries since Christian Bale."
Jonathan looked at me and was like, "How is he a great discovery?"
"Because he's made movies so much more entertaining to watch." I told him like it was common knowledge. "Now Spike, yellow snow is much more than just frozen piss; It can be used for a lot of cool things. Allow me to demonstrate." With that said, I pulled my zipper down, and very carefully I was able to piss out the following words: JEFFRIE WAS HERE!
"Wow, that's pretty impressive!" Spike cheered.
"That's nothing," claimed Jonathan. "Here's a little something that only I can do." After pulling down his zipper, he took the piss from his bladder was able to create an image of large breast.
While I was rather impressed by this work of art, and Andrew was trying his best to avert his eyes from the snow tits, Spike didn't seem to know how to react to this. "Uh, what's that? Is that a sideways eight? Are those eyeballs?"
Jonathan looked at him all perplexed and said, "Those are boobs; you seriously haven't seen a pair of breasts before?"
Spike was silent for a while and then he said, "What're boobs, exactly?"
Jonathan turned to me and Andrew as he whispered, "And this kid wants to bone Rarity." He chuckled to himself, but me and Andrew just didn't really find that statement of his to be funny.
At this point we completely lost focus on Spike and just talked to ourselves. "So Andrew, how was it like to have snow in your pants?" I asked him.
He looked at me with a sulky expression and told me, "Well it wasn't exactly pleasant, especially since you practically had the snow covering my fucking balls! I never felt so cold in my life; I literally had to pour a cup of hot coco down my pants!"
I laughed a bit as I responded, "You actually took a cup of hot coco and just poured it down there? Jesus, I must imagine your balls were reaching a new level of pain."
"Hey, when your body starts freezing, then it doesn't matter whether it's hot or not."
"OK, I'm done." Spike announced to us.
I looked down at him and said, "You're done with what?"
"This." He pointed out for us a section of snow that appeared to have been green. It took me awhile to realize that Spike's pee is about as green as the fire he breathes. In other words, he just invented green snow. But the bigger question is what the Hell did Spike do? We couldn't tell if it were a message, a painting, or what!
"Spike, I'm not really sure what it is you're trying to show us," I admitted.
"Yeah, this might be a bit of a problem." When he saw Twilight finally returning from her bath, he immediately started to give us some instructions. "Twilight, I need you to teleport Jeffrie and Andrew to some hill that's a few miles back. Jonathan, you just stand there."
Not even bothering to ask why he wanted her to do this, Twilight had teleported both me and Andrew to some far-off hill. When we got there, we looked far into the distance, and that's when we finally saw what Spike did with the green snow. We of course got a big laugh out of this, and I also decided to take a picture of it on my cellphone so I can show it to Jonathan. When we came back, I showed the picture to Jonathan. And there's literally no words that could describe how enraged he was; he just kept an extremely pissed off expression on his face as he gazed upon the picture of a giant green arrow pointing at him with this message: THIS GUY LIKES TO DRINK HIS OWN PEE!
He then took a long glance at Spike. Everything seemed to have gone silent at this point; he just stared down upon him in a long, uncomfortable, intense moment that you'd expect from a Sergio Leone movie. Then out of nowhere, Jonathan just sporadically lunges towards Spike! Spike was surprisingly quick on his feet, for the second when Jonathan tried to pounce him, he immediately dodged away, and he watched as Jonathan had his mouth stuffed with some of the green snow.
As Jonathan was spitting some of the dragon piss-stained snow out of his mouth, Spike told him, "Gees Jonathan, I know I said that you enjoy this sort of stuff, but I didn't think you have to make it so obvious."
Jonathan got up on his feet as he roared, "Come here you little punk!"
I quickly stopped him and said, "Hey, hey, relax! It was just a joke."
"Why are you always on his side?!" Jonathan whined.
While Spike was sticking his tongue at him, and while Jonathan was preparing to call him a doo-doo head, I asked Twilight, "So, did Fluttershy help you out?"
"Oh yes, she did a great job at removing the stench." She clarified. "She also suggested that I should help Applejack."
After mentioning that name, Andrew immediately said, "Well what're we waitin' for?! Let's get goin'!"
After we were all hastily rushed by Andrew, we soon found ourselves upon some big field with a bunch of ponies plowing away the snow. When Andrew saw Applejack, he walked up to her and said, "Hey Applejack, how's progress?"
"Oh, just dandy." She said, "Little slow startin', but peachy all the same. What brings you here?"
"Well actually, Twilight was wondering if you could let her help you," Andrew explained.
"I dunno, Andrew," said Applejack, "she doesn't seem fit enough fer this sorta business."
"Come on, she's your friend; just give her a chance."
"Well, I suppose if she's willin'."
So without any further notice, Twilight soon found herself behind a plow. But she quickly realized that pushing it was going to be harder than she thought--what with her not being athletic and all. So I figure that I go and give her some advice, "You know Twilight, you can just push the plow with your magic. You are the Element of Magic after all."
She then told me, "But Ponyville has been doing Winter Wrap Up without magic for generations. If I use magic, I'll be breaking a most sacred tradition."
"Twilight, what do you think these ponies want more? To keep traditions, or to get the job done quicker. Because if you ask me, I'd say that magic would make this job a lot easier and faster."
She thought about the matter for a while and then she responded with, "OK, I'll give it a shot."
As I was walking back towards the guys, I somewhat noticed Twilight using her unicorn magic to make the plow move. When I finally came to the guys, I heard Applejack say, "She's awful strong fer such a little pony."
But aren't you the exact same height as her? As much as I wanted to ask her that, I had to put that question aside and tell her, "You're welcome."
"For what?"
"Well, since Twilight's using her magic, I'd say everything's gonna be just fine."
"She what?" right after that little outburst, I looked at Twilight again and saw that she'd lost control of the plow, and it somehow caused an avalanche!
When me and the guys poked our heads out of the snow, we noticed that we couldn't see our bodies. I jokingly said to the guys, "Oh no, oh no, I got nobody!"
We of course started to laugh, but that laughter soon came to an end when we all heard Applejack cry out to Twilight, "Nuts, Twilight, you used magic! That's not how we do it 'round here, and especially not on my farm!"
I looked back at Twilight, and I noticed that she was beginning to tear up a little. Next thing you know, she just gets up out of the snow and runs away crying. And as I watched this, I was starting to get that same sympathetic feeling that I usually get around Fluttershy. And Jonathan was definitely having the same feeling as well.
As we were getting ourselves out of the snow, I can hear Applejack say, "I just knew I shouldn't had let her help; a pony like her has no business doin' this sorta work anyway. Aren't ya gonna help me up?"
When I looked at her, I was beginning to have that aggressive/defensive feeling that I had around Gilda. So when Andrew lifted her up, I walked up to her, and I gave her face the biggest bitch-slap it ever felt in her life. "Who the Hell do you think you are?!" I yelled.
She rubbed her cheek as she said, "What was that fer?"
"That was for hurting Twilight's feelings, you bitch!"
I'm not too sure that this is the first time I called her a bitch, but I'm just gonna assume anyway. Applejack let out a gasp as she then said, "Ya mean you're slappin' me just fer losin' my temper with her?"
"You're God damn right I am!" I shouted. "How could you just hurt your own friend's feelings like that?! She was just trying to help!"
Jonathan then added, "Yeah, how dare you make her feel bad for wanting to help? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Oh she helped all right," said Applejack, "she helped make a big mess of things!"
"So she made a little mistake," said Jonathan, "it's no big deal."
"A little mistake!" cried Applejack. "Oh no, it ain't little, it's huge! Now we're goin' ta be late fer spring again!"
"So Twilight's not perfect," I said. "So what? And besides, Applejack, you're not exactly Miss Perfect yourself. In fact, I remember a time when you made nothing but mistakes: you catapulted Rainbow Dash into Twilight's home, you made muffins that gave everybody stomach aches, you even started a rabbit stampede for Christ's sake!" Applejack was speechless. "And do you know how you've stopped making these mistakes? Because Twilight helped you! That's right, Applejack, if it weren't for Twilight and her magic, you wouldn't have been able to harvest all those apples and you'd still be making more mistakes." She was about to say something, but I quickly interrupted her. "And by the way, didn't you once say about Twilight's magic being a part of her?" she knew exactly what I was referring to. "Yeah, I'm talking about that night when Trixie was revealed to be a big fat fraud. You know, the same night when Twilight took down that Ursa Minor with her magic! And I remember you telling her, and I quote, 'your magic is a part of who you are, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend.'. Now did you really mean all that, or were you just makin' up a load of bullshit? Because you do know that you can't make up bullshit if you represent the Element of Honesty, right?"
"You callin' me a liar?" I allowed Applejack to say.
"No, I'm just simply stating that you're a hypocritical bitch." I retorted. "And judging by the way you just treated Twilight, I'd have to say that you completely prove my point."
"Hypocrisy, thy name is Applejack!" Jonathan blurted out.
Applejack then said to Andrew, "Come on Andrew, you're on my side, right?"
I was expecting him to kiss her ass again, but he surprisingly said, "Sorry Applejack, but I have to agree with them." She then had a "what the fuck" expression on her face. "But don't get me wrong, normally I would be on your side, but they just have a good point. You were being a bit of bitch to Twilight; and friends just don't do that to each other. Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy didn't treat Twilight like this when she messed up."
Applejack wasn't getting that last bit of information, so Jonathan decided to explain to her. "Yep Applejack, you weren't the first-person Twilight had offered her service to. Only this morning we saw her trying to help Rarity build a bird's nest; she didn't do good, but Rarity didn't yell at her for it. Then after that, she tried to help Pinkie get rid of some ice; she might've screwed that up as well, but Pinkie never lost her temper with her. And then she went to help Fluttershy wake up some animals; now she really messed up on that, but did Fluttershy yell at her for it? No, she didn't! She knew that Twilight was only trying to help her friend, and she also knows that friends don't hurt each other's feelings--even if they fuck up. You however don't seem to get it; and you don't get it because you're a horrible friend. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm very disappointed in you."
And after that heartfelt lecture, what did Applejack have to say in response? "Sweet Celestia, I don't believe this. Y'all just gangin' up on me and actin' like Twilight's the victim. Well what about me and everypony else?! Look at all of this snow we have ta plow now! It's gonna take us hours!"
I couldn't believe that Applejack would be unremorseful for all of those terrible things she said to Twilight. So I told her unremorsefully, "Well, then I guess ya better get your little pony butt out of the snow and get back to work!" as me and the guys--including Spike--started to leave, I said under my breath in a singsong tone, "la-zy."
...
After hours of searching, we finally found Twilight hiding behind a bush. "A bush? Seriously?" I said. "I mean, I can expect this from Fluttershy, but not you."
"What do you want?" Twilight said in a depressed tone.
Jonathan then tried to lift her spirits, "Come on Twilight, don't be so upset. You tried your best."
"Don't even bother," Twilight rejected his comfort, "I'm just a winter mess up."
"Look Twilight," I butted in, "we all make mistakes once in a while. You make mistakes, Spike makes mistakes, I make some mistakes, Jonathan make mistakes, Andrew makes a lot of mistakes."
"Now wait just a minute! I..." the second I took the electric razor, turned it on, and held it in front of his face, Andrew was like, "I... have nothing to say. Please, continue."
Jonathan then said to her, "Look Twilight, everybody makes a mistake once in a while; they were just accidents waiting to happen. And you shouldn't let a little mistake get to you."
"A little mistake?" said Twilight. "You call an avalanche a little mistake?!"
"Well nobody's perfect," I told her. "Besides, I used to think that somebody of your high intelligence to be a snob. But after seeing you make all those little mistakes, you've shown me that you're not a snob. Because a snob would be perfect at everything, but you're not perfect at everything--which is a good thing."
Andrew then added, "Yeah, you're just humble, like Wilbur."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Jonathan asked with a hint of anger.
"I'm just saying she's like Wilbur. You know, the pig from Charlotte's Web."
"You're saying she's a pig?! Is that what you're saying?!"
"No, no, I'm just saying that she's humble like him."
"You're saying, that she is like a humble pig?
"Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying."
"THAT'S IT!"
And that's when he started to beat the crap out of Andrew. While that was going on, I told Twilight, "Now Twilight, every cloud has a silver lining. You just got to find it."
Next thing you know, all the ponies started to argue with one another. Apparently, due to those little mistakes Twilight had made, everybody was falling behind. While they were arguing, I overheard the Mayor mention something about being organized. When she heard that, Twilight popped out of the bush and shouted, "Spike, get my checklist and clipboard, STAT!"
"Eh, yes ma'am." Spike obeyed.
Twilight then got everybody's attention and said, "Sorry, I know you want to complete your jobs on time but arguing is no way to go about it. What you need is organization, and I'm just the pony for the job."
Like I said earlier, every cloud has a silver lining. And Twilight just found hers. Jonathan was so proud to see her succeeding that he started to cry tears of joy. But since it was still winter, his tears had become frozen solid. He was like, "Ah shit, my tears have frozen!"
I then said to Spike, "Hey Spike, I think Jonathan could use a hand."
He knew just what I had in mind as he started to shout, "No, no, no!" Spike then breathed fire on him, and it made the icy tears melt away.
Andrew then told him, "Holy crap, Jonathan, I think you just lost all of your facial hair."
"What?!" after touching his face, he then cried out, "SON OF A BITCH!" apparently dragon fire can shave off anything.
...
Anyway, with Twilight's great organizing skills, she was able to help everyone get rid of winter and make way for spring. The Mayor was so impressed with her skills, that she made her a vest of her own: All Team Organizer.
Then out of nowhere, Applejack said, "Spike's sure gonna be in fer a hog-sized surprise when that last piece of ice melts."
They all started to laugh, even though I wasn't getting what she was talking about. "What do ya mean?"
She then pointed at something, and that's when I realized that it was Spike. He was asleep, on a piece of ice, in the middle of a huge lake! I was starting to panic; I was like, "Well don't just stand there, do something! Isn't anyone going to save him?! Rainbow Dash, you have wings, go fly over there and bring Spike here! Twilight, use your magic to teleport him away from the lake! Come on, Spike's gonna drown if you don't do something!" but nobody did anything, they just stood there and watched. I was then like, "Jesus fucking Christ, must I do everything by myself!" after taking out my cell phone and handing it to Andrew, I rushed into the water and caught Spike just before the ice had melted. The water might've been cold, but it was worth it to save Spike.
He then woke up and said, "What happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened," I said, "you were this close to drowning, and nobody did anything to stop it!" I then turned to all the ponies and said, "What the Hell?! Spike was about to drown, and you all just watched?!"
Applejack then said, "It was just a little joke."
"A joke?!" I cried. "You think death is a joke?! My God, what the fuck's wrong with you ponies?!" so yeah, not only are these ponies racist and hypocritical, but they're also homicidal as well--I'm learning so much about them. Anyway, I then told the ponies, "Next time, when something like this happens again, you do something! I mean, it's irresponsible crap like this that made Jason Voorhees a killer!"
Rainbow Dash then said, "Who's Jason Voorhees?"
"That's not the point," I stated, "The point is I can't do everything for your lazy asses!" after a brief moment of silence, I took a long look at the ponies and said, "You sicken me." Then as me and the guys were going back to the house, I coulda sworn that I head Rainbow Dash say, "Did he just call us lazy?"
A couple of days later, me and Andrew were on our way to Sweet Apple Acres. He was trying to make his move on Applejack, and he needed me to warn him if Big Mac ever comes by. As I was standing outside of Applejack's house--looking for any sign of Big Mac--I saw Apple Bloom walking by. I noticed that she had a sad look on her face, so I asked her, "Hey Apple Bloom, something wrong?"
"Oh nothin'."
"Well something must be wrong if you're having a sad look on your face."
"Well, I'm kinda bein' bullied at school."
"Who's bullying you?"
"Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon."
"I don't think I remember meeting those two."
"No, you haven't. But chances are you wouldn't like 'em anyway."
"Can't argue with that, but why are they bullying you, exactly?"
"Because I'm a Blank Flank."
"What the Hell's a Blank Flank?"
"Me."
"And what exactly makes you a Blank Flank?"
"Do ya see this?" she showed me her butt for some strange reason.
Not knowing what she's expecting from me, I decided to just point out the obvious. "Um...that's your butt."
"Yes, I know that. But don't ya notice anything different about it?"
"No, it just looks like an ordinary butt to me."
She then let out an annoyed sigh as she bluntly shouted out, "IT DOESN'T HAVE A CUTIE MARK!"
"What the Hell's a Cutie Mark?"
"Did ya ever notice those little markings on my sister's flank?"
Now that she mentioned it, I actually do remember seeing markings on the ponies' butts. Applejack had little apples on her butt, Rarity had diamonds, Fluttershy had butterflies, Twilight had a pink star, Rainbow Dash had a lightning rainbow, and Pinkie Pie had balloons. I've actually noticed them right on the first day when we came to Equestria, but decided not to mention them. You're probably thinking that it was a complete dick move to just make you wait and mention this bit of information at the last second, but in my defense, I was far more surprised at the fact that these ponies were capable of speaking to even take notice of the tattoos that endowed their butt cheeks?
Anyway, I then said to her, "That's what those markings were? I thought they were just tattoos."
"What's a tattoo?" asked Apple Bloom.
"A tattoo is a little mark that we humans like to put on our bodies. There are temporary ones, and permanent ones. And trust me, you do not want the permanent ones; they hurt like Hell."
"Well I wish that I have a permanent mark on my flank right about now."
"What's so special about these Cutie Marks anyway?"
"Cutie Marks are supposed to show what yer special talent is."
"And what's your special talent?"
"That's just it, I don't know! But if I don't get my Cutie Mark any sooner, then I'll keep gettin' bullied."
While we were having this conversation, I failed to notice Big Mac walking by. A couple of seconds later, Andrew comes out, takes me by the shoulder, and says, "It was nice talking to you, Applejack. Bye." When we were far away from Sweet Apple Acres, he then said to me, "Jeffrie, what the Hell?! You're supposed to warn me when Big Mac comes!"
"Oh, sorry Andrew," I apologized to him, "it's just that me and Apple Bloom were talking, and I guess I just got a little distracted."
"Well the next time we go there, you better warn me when he comes."
...
Later that night, as I was laying on my bed, I was beginning to have the strangest dream. Only it was more of a flashback than an actual dream. I'd found myself in the house of some kid that I went to school with; I was probably eleven years old at the time. Anyway, the reason being why I was at that kid's house was because she was having a birthday party. This was during the fourth grade, which meant that she had to automatically invite everyone in her class--even if she didn't like them. During the party, the birthday girl and some other kids were having some kind of conversation; I was never good when it came to socializing, but I was in the same class as them, so a bit of me was hoping that they would let me join in.
But the second I walked up to them and opened my mouth, I was soon going to regret it. They stopped talking and just stared at me with their resentful gazes. One of them finally said, "Were we talking to you?" I remained silent. "WERE WE TALKING TO YOU?"
I timidly told them, "N-no."
"Then mind your own business!" the birthday girl's parents then finally brought out the cake, and right when she blew off those candles, I was back in my room.
Afterwards, me and Andrew went back to Sweet Apple Acres. Andrew went inside Applejack's house to try to confess his feelings to her--again--while I stood outside, looking for Big Mac. As I was looking, I saw Apple Bloom coming back from school--with an even sadder expression on her face. I said to her, "Hey Apple Bloom, you had a good day at school?"
"No," she told me, "Diamond Tiara picked on me again. And it was worse than yesterday."
I was beginning to feel a tad bit sorry for Apple Bloom. I really hate it when people are being bullied. I've always wanted to try some of that anti-bully stuff ever since I saw that Bully documentary; maybe now can be my chance to do something like that. I then told Apple Bloom, "Now look here Apple Bloom, you don't seem to be using your head about this Diamond Tiara. You act as if you don't have any brains at all."
"I too have brains!"
"Then why don't you use them? Next time you're at school, don't go anywhere near this Diamond Tiara; then she won't make fun of you, and you won't get picked on. See?"
I then walked over to an apple tree and picked an apple. As I was doing this, Apple Bloom told me, "Oh Jeffrie, you just don't understand, that's all."
I don't understand? How could she say something like that? Would I be giving her advice on avoiding bullies if I didn't understand? As much as I felt offended by what Apple Bloom said to me, I just told her, "Well your head ain't made out of straw, ya know."
As I took a bite out of the apple, I nearly chocked the second I saw Big Mac walking into the house! The second I rushed in to warn Andrew, he was pushing me out of the house and said to Applejack, "Been nice talking to you, bye!" and when we were far away from Sweet Apple Acres, he said to me, "Jesus Christ, Jeffrie, again?! Seriously?!"
"Oh, sorry Andrew," I apologized again, "That Big Mac must be part Predator or something; he just blends in with the background."
"OK Jeffrie, let's go over this again: when you see Big Mac coming, you text me. Got it?"
...
The following night, I found myself going through another flashback. This time I've gone up to twelve and am now in the fifth grade. It was P.E. time, and we were all having to run laps. As I was running, a gang of three boys would kick me in the leg as they ran past me. After that, we were now having to play some sort of sword fight game with foam sticks. Even though the coach said not to hit in the eyes, the same gang I mentioned before would hit me in the eyes anyway--and yet the coach did nothing to stop it. When recess finally came, I was a bit happy to hang around with my best friend, Manuel. We would usually play around the playground or just dig the sand up, but just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse, that gang soon came to forever ruin it.
The leader told my friend, "Hey Manuel, kick him in the leg."
And literally for no reason, he goes ahead and does it! My own friend just did what they said without any hesitation and didn't feel any regret about it. Eventually they would all join in to kick me. And after being betrayed by my best friend, I finally fought back.
But the second I laid a hand on them, I was immediately dragged away by the teacher as she scolded at me. "Jeffrie, you come inside right now!" and as I was being dragged into the portable, the gang--and my used to be friend--each gave me a smug look that basically said that they won.
The teacher had sat me down and started to give me the same lecture as before. "You're in big trouble, young man! You should know better than to be fighting people!"
"But they always do this sort of thing to me every day," I tried to reason with her, "and you do nothing about it!"
"I don't know what you're talking about; those boys wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Well they have no problem hurting me, that's for sure!"
"You watch your mouth, unless you want me to send you to the principal's office!"
But luckily, I didn't have to face the principal's wrath; for I had finally woken up.
After that, me and Andrew had again gone to Sweet Apple Acres--because third time's the charm as they always say. While he was off to--once again--fail at courting Applejack, I was just standing outside, with my cellphone in hand, waiting for the expected arrival of Big Mac. Instead of Big Mac, I once again only saw Apple Bloom coming back from school. Seeing as how Big Mac isn't around, I'd figured that a quick chat wouldn't hurt.
"Hey Apple Bloom, so...did you try to stay away from Diamond Tiara?"
"I did," she told me. "But then she found me and started pickin' on me again."
OK, apparently hiding didn't work, so I decided to go with a different tactic. "Listen Apple Bloom, are you really gonna let this Diamond Tiara intimidate you the rest of your life? She doesn't seem like anything to be afraid of; have a little courage, that's all."
"I ain't afraid of her."
"Then next time when she's making fun of you, just walk up to her and punch her in the mouth. That oughta shut her up."
"Ya mean I should fight her?"
"Don't think of it as a fight, just think of it as: you standing your ground, or you showing her who's boss, or you letting her know that you're not afraid of her. Because if this Diamond Tiara were to get a taste of your wrath, then I'm pretty sure she'll think twice before she bullies you again."
As I was telling her this, I once again failed to notice that Big Mac was going inside the house (I'm starting to think that he just purposely waits for me to start talking to Apple Bloom so he could catch Andrew making the moves on his sister). I quickly texted a warning as fast as possible. But right when I clicked send, Andrew took me by the shoulder and was like, "Bye!" and when we were away, he once again gave me a stern talk. "Dammit Jeffrie, that's the third time you forgot to warn me about Big Mac!"
"I texted you, didn't I?"
He then took out his cellphone and he read the warning out loud, "Hey Andrew, Big Mac's coming, wanted to let you know." He put his cellphone back in his pocket. "You were talking to Apple Bloom again, weren't you? Well you need to stop that and focus on more important things! Do you even have any fucking idea what Big Mac would do if he caught me makin' a move on his sister? He might rip my balls off or something!"
I was starting to get tired of Andrew's selfish attitude, so I told him, "Look, if you're so worried about losing your God damn balls, then why don't you ask Jonathan to help?"
"Because he's too busy trying to make his move on Twilight."
He then pointed at Jonathan standing on Twilight's doorstep, while spraying Axe spray all over his body. I was like, "Oh yeah, he's not the only one with a pony fetish."
Andrew ignored that comment and instead told me, "Look, you're my friend, which is why I'm giving you one last chance...one."
...
When nightfall had finally come, I soon found myself having to experience another flashback. This one, I consider to be my personal worst. I was now in sixth grade and had gone up to the age of thirteen. During English, I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. Now that I was in middle school, you'd probably think that the worst was finally behind me. But they were only just beginning.
As soon as I came back, everyone was suddenly silent. All the students were just snickering as the teacher told me, "Say Jeffrie, I never noticed that you look like Mr. Bean."
As soon as that name was uttered, all the students suddenly took out pictures of that idiot making a stupid face and were practically shoving them right in my face! As they were all laughing, and laughing, and laughing, a bit of me wanted to show them all that I'm not to be treated as such. But after realizing how completely powerless I am, I had no choice but to allow the humiliation to soak in. When I finally woke up from that traumatic experience, I coulda sworn that I felt tears rolling down my cheek.
Me and Andrew were on our way to Sweet Apple Acres, to once again try to accomplish Andrew's neverending quest to woo Applejack. As we were getting closer, we saw Applejack walking by. So Andrew said, "Hey Applejack, what's going on?"
"Oh nothin'," said Applejack, "just goin' over ta Apple Bloom's school."
"Why, what's wrong?" I asked.
"She got in trouble."
"What did she do?"
"She got into a fight, and now I gotta go talk ta her teacher."
I was beginning to worry about Apple Bloom, so I told Applejack, "Why don't you let me do it for you?"
She and Andrew were both like, "What?!"
"Yeah, why not?" I insisted. "You probably have a lot of work to do, so why don't I go talk to Apple Bloom's teacher for you?"
"Why thank ya, Jeffrie," said Applejack, "that's mighty kind of ya."
As I was walking away, I could hear Andrew muttering under his breath, "Jeffrie, what're you doing?! You gotta stay and protect my balls from Big Mac!"
When I finally came to the said school, I noticed that it looked like one of those small schools from the 50's (and by 50's I mean the 1850's, not the 1950's). Anyway, I walked into the school and there sat Apple Bloom--all pouty face like. I went up to her and said, "Hey Apple Bloom, why a long face?" I was hoping that would cheer her up, but it seemed to have only irritated her. "So... Applejack told me that you got into a fight."
"E'yup." Is it me, or does everybody in Big Mac's family just reply that way?
Never mind, let's just focus on the story. "So what happened?"
Apple Bloom then gave me the details. "Well, Diamond Tiara started ta pick on me again, so I did what ya told me and punched her in the mouth."
"Ah, that's great!"
"Great, great?! I got in trouble because of you!"
"Well, how about if..."
"No, I don't want ta hear anymore of yer advice! Your advice is anythin' but helpful! All ya did was get me in trouble! I never wanna speak ta you again!" she then stormed out of the school.
I just stood there all jolted; I was thinking to myself, what the fuck just happened?! Here I was just trying to help a kid with a bully problem, and now she doesn't want to speak to me again!
As I was just standing there, I heard a door open and some voice said, "Oh hello Jeffrie, surprised to see you here." I turned around and saw that it was none other than Cheerilee--you know, that teacher pony that me and the guys met at that welcome party that Pinkie Pie had.
Anyway, I then said to her, "Oh, hey Cheerilee. Mind if we talk?"
"Well of course." I went into her classroom, and it just looks like any other classroom that you're bound to find an elementary school. As I took a seat, Cheerilee said, "You know Jeffrie, I would really appreciate it if you and your friends would come to my class and tell my students all the things about your world."
"That's not why I'm here," I got to the point. "It's about Apple Bloom."
"Oh yes, she got into a fight this morning."
"Do you know why she got into that fight?"
"No, why did she?"
"You tell me; because for the past three days, Apple Bloom has been telling me that she keeps getting bullied by some little punk called Diamond Tiara! And she picks on her just because she doesn't have a little mark on her butt!"
"You mean a Cutie Mark?"
"Yes, I do mean a Cutie Mark. But that's not the point; the point is, what did you do to Diamond Tiara?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well if Apple Bloom had got in trouble for being involved in a fight, then that means Diamond Tiara got in trouble as well."
"Actually, she didn't get into any trouble."
"And why's that?"
"Because her little friend, Silver Spoon, came and told me everything."
"And what might I ask that her little dipshit of a lackey told you?"
"That Diamond Tiara was the victim of a fight that she never started."
After letting out a Buzz Killington sigh, I said to Cheerilee, "I'm sorry, but did you just say that she was the victim?"
"Yes."
"And did you also say that she didn't start the fight?"
"Yes."
"Wow Cheerilee, I mean wow. I've had my fair share of horrible teachers, but I never thought that you'd be one of them."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because obviously you're too much of a damn fool to tell the difference between a bully and a victim! And how can you possibly believe that Diamond Tiara didn't start the fight? Was it because Apple Bloom made the first hit?"
"Well, yes. I mean Diamond Tiara never laid a hoof on Apple Bloom; so it's plain to see that Apple Bloom was responsible for this."
"Oh my God, Cheerilee, I swear that you must be a bigger fool than Derpy."
"Well how can Apple Bloom not be the one who started the fight?"
"Because if you had been witnessing the whole entire event, and not just half of it--which you should've been doing in the first place--you would've realized that it was Diamond Tiara who started that fight."
"And how do you know all this?"
"Because Apple Bloom told me! Face it Cheerilee, Diamond Tiara had started that fight the second she opened her mouth and said, 'Blank Flank'. Which means that Apple Bloom punching her was an act of self-defense. But what really pisses me off, is the fact that you didn't punish Diamond Tiara. I mean what kind of a teacher would punish a victim instead of a bully? As a teacher, it is your duty to make sure that these kids are being educated and respectful towards each other."
"Hey, don't tell me how to do my job! I can't always be there to witness what my students are doing behind my back."
"Yeah, you teachers are all the same; you like to make your students think that you'll be there for them, but when they need you the most, you just turn your backs on them." As I was about to leave, I told Cheerilee one last thing. "I may not know what this Diamond Tiara looks like, but if I ever do find her, I'll do to her what you should've done."
"And what's that?"
"Give the little brat the punishment that she deserves." And with that said, I left the school and went back to the house.
The second I came through that door, Andrew had got up in my face and said, "What the fuck, man?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! I finally had the one chance to confess my feelings to Applejack, with 100% protection, and you just ditch me! Some friend you are! And thanks to you, I just made a complete fool of myself in front of Applejack! Now she's going to think that I'm some kind of dork, and it's all your fault!"
He was beginning to push me too far; I have my limits, and he decided to make the un-wise decision of going over them. Which is why I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall! I then decided to give him what he's been giving me for the past three days. "Listen here you selfish prick, I'm starting to get sick and tired of this new attitude of yours! Now I have more important things to worry about than your hopeless love life! And why are you so worried about losing your balls? You don't even have any balls for Big Mac to rip off! Just like how you don't have the balls to tell Applejack how you really feel about her!" I then let go of him and went straight to my room.
The second I slammed the door to my room, Jonathan said to Andrew, "What's all that about?"
Andrew--to the best of his knowledge--told him, "Eh, somethin' about Apple Bloom gettin' bullied."
"Oh yeah, that's the probably the main reason why I'm glad to be finished with school. But I don't see why Jeffrie should be concerned with it; he's a pretty tough guy."
"Yeah, I mean it's not like he'd ever let anybody push him around or treat him like shit."
...
As the day came to an end, I was about to find myself in one of the most unusual nightmares imaginable. Everything around me was dark, I couldn't see anything, so I didn't bother to move from my current environment. I then started to hear someone crying; I suddenly saw a beam of light, and under that light was Apple Bloom. As I got closer and closer, I got a good glimpse at Apple Bloom's eyes that were practically overflowing with tears.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
She sniffled a little as she said, "Why didn't you help me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Diamond Tiara picked on me again, and you did nothing ta stop it."
"Well Apple Bloom, I'm not always around when you're at school. I know this must be hard for you, but..."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME!" I couldn't think of anything else to say. "I thought you were my friend."
"But I am your friend, Apple Bloom." I assured her, "I'd always..."
"Get away from me! I never wanna see you again!"
She then ran into the darkness, leaving me in the middle of the light. "Apple Bloom, wait!" I tried to run after her, but my feet were suddenly glued to the floor.
Then a voice cried out, "Why don't you mind your own business?!"
I looked around, but saw nothing but darkness. "Nobody wants to talk to you!"
"You still here?!"
"You'll never have friends!"
"You're pathetic!"
"Freak!"
"Loser!"
"Mr. Bean!"
As these voices kept mocking me, I found myself crying, "Help! Somebody help me! Why won't you stop?! STOP!" I then found myself back in my room. But throughout the night, I would shed tears of my own.
Seeing as how I blew my last chance, Andrew decided to have Jonathan look out for him instead. Since I had nothing else to do, I decided to just roam around Ponyville. I really wanted to try to patch things up with Apple Bloom, but there was no way that I could--what with her not wanting to talk to me and all. Seeing as how that I'm having a bit of a problem, I decided that the only place for me to go to would be Twilight's place.
As I entered, Twilight said, "Oh hi Jeffrie, what brings you here?"
"Oh not much," I said, "just having a bit of a problem."
"Oh really, what kind of problem?"
"Well, for the past four days, Apple Bloom has been getting bullied at school just because she doesn't have a Cutie Mark. I've been trying my best to help her with her problem, but it just keeps getting worse. It's gotten so worse that she now hates me and doesn't want to speak to me again."
"Why were you trying to help her in the first place?"
"I don't know, I guess it's because I feel her pain."
"What do you mean?"
"I was also bullied; you might not believe it, but from elementary all the way to middle school, I've been bullied. And it was a living Hell for me when I was her age."
"What exactly did those bullies do to you?"
"It's not worth repeating; the point is that I know how Apple Bloom feels, and I just don't want her to experience the misery that I had to experience."
"So... you're being empathetic towards her?"
"I have Asperger's Syndrome, Twilight, empathy is something I can never feel."
"Well guess what, you're feeling empathy right now. You see Jeffrie, empathy is when you know exactly how a person feels. And if you had the same problem that she's having when you were her age, that means that you're feeling empathy towards her."
"Wow, I guess I'm just feeling it for the first time."
"Yes. Now as for her hating you, I'm sure she didn't mean it. We all tend to say things we never mean to say when we're having bad days. Why don't we go find her?"
We were practically searching all over Ponyville for Apple Bloom. We then got word from Rainbow Dash that she was at Sugarcube Corner, helping Pinkie Pie make cupcakes for some party. The second we went inside, Pinkie Pie was like, "Hey Twilight and Jeffrie, me and Apple Bloom just made some delicious cupcakes! Wanna try them?"
She then presented us with a plate full of burnt cupcakes. Twilight's refusal was subtle, but mine was more like this, "No thanks, I already had a huge bag of charcoal for breakfast."
I was hoping that would make Apple Bloom laugh, but it didn't. She just looked at me all angry like, like she did yesterday. I didn't see any point in talking to her--even though she wasn't going to speak to me anyway--so I just left the kitchen and attended the party.
I was sitting at some table all by myself, drinking Coke. Twilight sat next to me and said, "Hey Jeffrie, why a long face?"
I looked at her and said, "Twilight, that only works when me, Jonathan, or Andrew say it to you or any other pony."
"I thought that it's how you humans ask somepony why they're sad?"
"No Twilight, it's a horse joke. Get it, because you ponies have long faces?" I placed my hand on my face and extended it away, so that it'll look like that I have a muzzle.
Twilight looked at me in an annoyed manner and said, "Oh, now I get it."
After a long silence, I asked her, "So... what were you and Apple Bloom talking about?"
"She wanted me to use my magic to give her a Cutie Mark, but it didn't work. So why didn't you say anything to her?"
"Twilight, that charcoal joke was supposed to make her laugh, and it didn't. She just looked at me all angry like, and that was probably one of the funniest jokes that I've ever told in my life. She hates me; plain and simple."
Around that time, Andrew, Jonathan, and Applejack came in and sat with us. Andrew said to me, "Listen Jeffrie, I'm sorry if I've been a bit of a pain for the past four days. I was just having some really bad days. You understand, right?"
"Yeah sure, apology accepted." I never did like it when me or any of my friends would argue, so if they were ever a chance to end it, I'd always go for it. Everything was going just fine...that is until the music stopped playing and everybody gasped. "Why's everything so quiet?"
Applejack pointed at something, and that something turned out to be Apple Bloom. She was in the middle of the room, and she was being confronted by two ponies--about her age. One was gray, had pigtails, and was wearing big, dorky glasses. The other one was pink, and on her head stood a diamond tiara! The thought then occurred to me that those two were the ones who were bullying Apple Bloom. At first, it was a little assumption, that is until the both of them opened their mouths and cried out, "Blank Flank! Blank Flank! Blank Flank!"
Yep, it's them. At first I didn't want to get involved because I thought it might make things worse; so I decided to wait for somebody else to do something about it. Only nobody else did do anything about it. OK, what is wrong with these ponies? First they don't do anything when Spike almost drowns, and now they don't do anything when a kid's getting bullied. And I thought our world was dark and cruel.
I turned to Applejack, Twilight, and the guys and said, "Isn't anyone going to stop those two?" they remained silent. "Applejack, they're picking on your sister. Go defend her!" she still remained silent. At this point, I wasn't going to wait any longer. Nobody was ever there for me when I was bullied, but God dammit I'm going to be there for Apple Bloom! So I told them, "You know what, screw all of you! I'm helping Apple Bloom."
As I left the table, I could hear Twilight say, "No Jeffrie, don't interfere!"
And I heard Jonathan telling her, "Too late."
When I heard Diamond Tiara shout out "Blank Flank!" for the millionth time, I got out of the crowd, stood beside Apple Bloom, stomped my foot on the ground and cried out, "Diamond Tiara! Diamond Tiara, you knock it off!"
Everybody was aghast--Apple Bloom was the most surprised. The little brat looked at me and said, "Excuse me?"
"Will you just stop it!" I cried. "Apple Bloom is trying to have a good time, and you act like a horse's ass! Why are you doing this to her?!"
That little bitch then said to me, "What business is it of yours of how I treat Blank Flanks?"
Her little toady that was called Silver Spoon added, "Yeah, like nopony was talking to you!"
Good lord, Angelica Pickles, Princess Morbucks, and Prince Joffrey couldn't out-brat these two! Anyway, I then said to the little shitheads, "Why you little punks! Who the Hell do you think you are talking to me that way?! Didn't any of your parents teach you two anything about manners and respect?!"
Diamond Tiara then said, "Look, this isn't your concern, peasant! So why don't you get lost?!"
Silver Spoon added, "Yeah, like beat it Blank Flank lover!"
I then decided to do what their parents have clearly never done; and that was give each of 'em a big slap to the face. Because if there's one thing that Tyrion Lannister taught me, is that the only way to shut up a brat is by slapping it.
After that little shit got a taste of some discipline, she looked at me with a hint of fear as she said, "Y-you just slapped me!"
"You're damn right I slapped ya!" I firmly stated. "You're actin' like a little brat; and the only thing little brats like you deserve is a good smacking!"
"I can't believe this; I just can't believe this. Here I am trying to show everypony my awesome Cutie Mark, and let everypony know how special I am, and you're ruining it!"
"Oh my God, will you shut up about the stupid mark already! It's just a stupid little mark that's on your butt! Who fucking cares?!"
To this, Silver Spoon said, "Everypony should care; I mean Cutie Marks like show how special you really are and..."
"Hey, hey, Silver Spoon, again," I then told her the same thing Elaine Stritch said in Screwed, "WHO CARES?!"
Diamond Tiara then said, "Well what's so special about Blank Flank over there?"
"What the Hell are you calling her Blank Flank for, dumbass?!" I said. "Her name is Apple Bloom!"
"So what?" said Diamond Tiara dismissively. "She's still a Blank Flank."
Somebody in the crowd then said, "You got a problem with Blank Flanks?" I then saw Sweetie Belle and some orange pegasus come out from under a table. The orange pegasus then said, "I said, you got a problem with Blank Flanks?"
To this, Silver Spoon said, "The problem is, I mean, she's like, totally not special."
Sweetie Belle then said, "No, it means she's full of potential."
The orange pegasus added, "It means she could be great at anything. The possibilities are, like, endless."
Sweetie Belle: "She could be a great scientist, or an amazing artist, or a famous writer. She could even be Mayor of Ponyville someday."
The orange pegasus: "And she's not stuck being stuck-up like you two."
Everybody--including me--started laughing. Diamond Tiara was then like, "Hey, this is my party, why are you two on her side?"
"Because..." the orange pegasus and Sweetie Belle showed off their butts, and they were revealed to be blank! I then said, "Wow, looks like it's attack of the Blank Flanks." Jonathan and Andrew both laughed as they were coming by my side.
Diamond Tiara then said, "So what, those Blank Flanks still aren't as special as we are."
"That's actually a good thing that they're not special." I claimed.
"Like, what's so good about not being special?" asked Silver Spoon.
"Do you two even know what special means?"
"Of course we know what it means," claimed Diamond Tiara. "It means that you're better than everypony."
"I know what you think it means," I said, "but do you know what the real definition of special is?" I then started to explain to them about the real definition of "special". "You see Diamond Tiara, back where we come from, we have these humans who were born very stupid. During about the 1800's, they were known as retards. But they don't really like to be called that, so at some point we decided to refer to them as 'special people'. You can say that Derpy is a very special pony."
"Woohoo, I'm special!" Derpy cried while chowing on some muffins.
I looked back at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and said, "Now do you understand what I'm telling you two?"
They both had shocked expressions on their faces. Diamond Tiara was like, "No, you don't mean..."
"That's right," I told them, "Every time you called yourselves 'special', you were really saying that you're both retarded!"
As Jonathan and Andrew both did the Regular Show "OOOOOOH!" Silver Spoon said, "So what, those Blank Flanks are like still losers."
God, she says "like" more than Rainbow Dash says "awesome"! I then decided to tear the little toady apart--in a manner of speaking. "Really, you're the one with the pigtails and dorky glasses and you think they're the losers? Silver Spoon, do you even have any idea what me and the guys here would've done to you if you were at our school?"
"No, like what would you do?"
"Oh I'll tell you what we'd do to you, we'd make your life a living Hell. I can totally see me and the guys calling you stuff like four-eyes or Harry Potter."
Jonathan then shouted, "Expecto Patronum!"
After that reference, I looked at the little shitheads and told them, "So yeah, you'd basically be the losers where we come from. Also, why is your name Silver Spoon? I can understand Diamond Tiara's name, but how did you get your name? Was it because you were born with a silver spoon up your ass, or is it because you were the silver spoon that was up Diamond Tiara's ass?"
As we were all laughing at that insult, the two brats were than like, "Oh yeah, well...SHUT UP!" and then they both ran away while whining like the little bitches that they are.
...
A couple of minutes later, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and the orange pegasus were sitting together at a table far away from ours. Applejack then said to me, "Garsh Jeffrie, that was mighty kind of ya ta defend my little sister like that."
Then Twilight said, "Yeah Jeffrie, nopony else would've done something like that."
And Andrew gave me a pat to the shoulder as he said, "Yep, that's our Jeffrie for ya; he's one tough, son of a bitch." I then felt like getting some fresh air, so I left the table and went outside.
When I left, I sat upon an empty park bench that was across from Sugarcube Corner. As I relaxed myself, I heard someone say, "Mind if I sit here with ya?"
I looked down and saw that it was Apple Bloom. "Sure, you can sit here."
As she took her seat, she then said, "I wanted ta thank ya fer standing up fer me."
"Believe me Apple Bloom, if I'd known that your bully was that much of a bitch, I would've stood up for you right away."
"I know, but what I don't get is why you still defended me?"
"What do ya mean?"
"Well after all that awful stuff that I said ta ya yesterday, why would you still defend me?"
"Because I know how you feel."
"Ya do?"
"Oh yes Apple Bloom, I too was bullied when I was your age. In fact, when you started to bring this stuff up, I was getting nightmares of those days."
"What did they do ta ya?"
"Well they definitely mad it obvious that I wasn't welcome there; whenever I tried to talk to someone, they would tell me to mind my own business. And one kid that I thought was my very best friend would end up turning on me for no reason, and one time they all started to compare me to some British idiot whose name I shall never mention. But the worst part of it all was the teachers would punish me just for standing up for myself. Here I was getting tormented, and the teachers let the bullies get away with it. Those were some hard times for me, Apple Bloom, they made me stop trying to socialize with others, I completely lost all my trust in teachers, and I ended up hating birthday parties. So why did I still defend you despite all the horrible things you said? It's because I didn't want you to go through the same shit that I had to experience."
"But what about Jonathan and Andrew? Surely they were there ta help ya."
"I never met them 'til the junior and senior years of high school. And they don't know about any of this, Apple Bloom; so far, you're the only one I ever told this stuff to."
Everything was silent for a while, and then I started to hear Apple Bloom sniffling. "Apple Bloom, what's wrong?"
She looked up to me with tears in her eyes as she said, "Oh nothin', it's just that all that stuff you told me was makin' me wanna cry. Sometimes I wish I can be like you; you never cry."
I started to tear up a little as I told her, "You're never around when I cry."
"What?"
"Oh yes Apple Bloom, I cry; just when nobody's around."
"Do ya ever cry fer me?"
"There's not a day goes by that I shed a tear for you; knowing all of the awful shit that you're having to go through day after day. But I also cry whenever I'm thinking of the horrible stuff you said to me yesterday. Whether I'm awake or asleep, those words still devastate me. It made me feel that I was completely useless. And even if what you said about me was true, I'd still try to help you anyway."
Next thing you know, Apple Bloom wraps her hooves around me and says sobbingly, "Oh Jeffrie, I'm sorry fer what I said ta ya yesterday; I never meant any of that! I should've known that you were just tryin' ta help me!"
I then gave her an assuring hug as I told her, "It's OK Apple Bloom, you were just having some pretty bad days. We all tend to say things we don't mean when we have them." During this emotional moment, the song "You'll be in my Heart" was playing in my head (hey, it was either that, or the corny music that you hear in a Full House episode).
Right about that time, Sweetie Belle and the orange pegasus came over and said, "Hey Apple Bloom."
"Oh hi girls." Apple Bloom released her grip from me.
Sweetie Belle then said to me, "Hi Jeffrie."
"Hey Sweetie Belle," I greeted her. "Haven't seen you for a while."
The orange pegasus then said, "Hey I know you, you're that human who fell out of the sky."
"Yeah, that's me all right. I don't remember meeting you though."
"Oh, I'm Scootaloo."
"Scootaloo, why do they call you that?"
"Because I have a scooter, of course." She then pointed out her scooter for me.
Apple Bloom got off the bench and said, "We love ta stay and chat, but we got ourselves some crusadin' ta do."
"Crusading for what?"
"Fer our Cutie Marks of course. Because..." and they all cried out, "WE'RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"
"Cutie Mark Crusaders," I pondered. "What is that some kind of girl scout organization?"
"No, it's our secret club." Apple Bloom explained.
"We search all over Ponyville to find out what our special talents are." Added Scootaloo.
"And we'll never stop," added Sweetie Belle. "Because..." altogether, "WE'RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"
With that said, Scootaloo cried, "Cutie Mark Crusaders, away!" and they all just went off on her scooter and were crusading for their skills. I'm glad that Apple Bloom finally has friends, I'm glad that I was able to help her problem, but I'm mostly glad that she likes me again. Because for the first time in the past four days, I shall finally rest without any more flashbacks.
A couple of months later, it was getting close to Fall. Me and the guys were just walking around, and that's when we came to what appeared to be some sort of outside game competition.
I saw Twilight and Spike hanging out with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I went up to them and said, "Um...mind telling me what's going on here?"
Applejack then answered, "We're havin' ourselves an Iron Pony competition."
And Rainbow Dash added, "To see who's the best athlete in all of Ponyville."
And Twilight added, "And I'm keeping score."
And Spike added, "And I'm announcing it."
After all that, I said, "All right, and who's the referee?"
They were all like, "Who's that?"
"The referee," Jonathan explained to them for me. "You know, that guy who makes sure that all the players are playing fair."
Applejack then said, "Well shoot, I guess we could use one of them."
"Yeah, but's who gonna want to constantly make sure nopony's cheating throughout the entire game?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"I'll do it."
They were all like, "You?!" after I decided to volunteer.
"Why not? I ain't got anything better to do." I stated. "In fact, since I'm going to be a referee, then I might as well look like one." I then did one of those flash forwards--you know, that thing you usually see on TV when they want to skip to a certain part by flipping the screen very quickly--and then I found myself wearing a referee outfit. "Done!"
"What the Hell! How did you do that?" Jonathan exclaimed.
"Beats me," I told him, "I see Pinkie Pie do fucked up shit like this all the time, so I figured that I could do that sort of stuff as well."
"Yeah, but how did you do it though?" Andrew asked me.
"Well, I pictured myself in a referee outfit, I flash forward, and boom; I'm in a referee outfit."
Applejack then turned to Rainbow Dash and said, "Any who, now that that's been taken care of, what say we get this here competition goin'?"
And to that, Rainbow Dash said, "You're on."
The first round of the games was some kind of running course; basically, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were going to see who can run the fastest without touching a single barrel. Applejack was the first to start; she was doing pretty fine until I caught her bumping a red barrel. When she asked for the time, Spike told her, "Seventeen seconds."
Applejack was very excited to hear that, that is until I pointed out, "Hold on, Applejack had bumped a red barrel. Therefore, she receives a five second penalty."
Upon hearing this, she was like, "Nuts and chews!"
It was then Rainbow Dash's turn; but before she even started, I said, "Hold it, let me get my video camera." I took it out of my pocket, turned it on, and said, "OK, go!"
Rainbow Dash had run so fast that she appeared to be some kind of lightning bolt! When she asked for the time, Spike told her, "Eighteen seconds."
She was very excited until I said, "Now hold your horses everyone."
I heard Rainbow Dash say, "Ugh, I hate it when he says those horse puns!"
Then I said, "Now how are we supposed to know that Rainbow Dash did it without touching a single barrel? Lucky for us, I've caught it all on camera." I played it on normal speed. "OK, now let's try super-slow motion." I did just that, and I carefully watched every barrel to see if Rainbow Dash had touched any of them.
During this inspection, Jonathan whispered to her, "Yeah, you better hope that he doesn't spot you touching a barrel. Hell, it's practically like a game of Where's Waldo to him."
After rewatching the whole video, I didn't seem to have notice her touching any barrels. So I then said, "Rainbow Dash has completed the course without touching a single barrel. She wins the first round!" and with that said, the score was 1-0.
The next round was a strength test; Rainbow Dash kicked the target so hard that it hit the bell. But when it was Applejack's turn, she had literally demolished the damn thing! (So yeah, it's pretty safe to say that Applejack had won that round.) When she did break the bell, I coulda sworn that I heard Andrew saying, "Whoa, what a woman!"
The third round was a type of rodeo challenge; this one was a type of bull riding game (only instead of bulls, it's ponies). And you're probably wondering how this is going to be accomplished--what with the fact that the two ponies are going to be acting as the bulls in this scenario and will probably need someone to buck off of their backs. Well...why not Spike? Yes, I am dead serious. They literally decided to use Spike in this challenge. (Why they couldn't just use a crash test dummy, I have no idea.) But guess who was the one who suggested that Spike should be the one to be tossed around in this game. No really, guess; because chances are you probably figured it out already...if you were thinking Twilight Sparkle, then give yourself a fucking pat on the back! (Because God knows I can't pat it for ya, what with me being stuck in another dimension and all.)
Yeah, never would've thought that Spike's own guardian would willingly put his own wellbeing in serious risk. I even had a few words to say to her before the game even started. "Twilight, what the Hell are you thinking?! Spike's not some crash test dummy, he's going to get hurt!"
"Oh relax," she said to me in a non-concerned manner, "it's just a bit of fun. And besides, he could use the exercise; it's not like he was doing anything."
"Well wasn't he doing commentary throughout this whole competition? Because I'm pretty sure that counts as 'doing something'."
"Just because he was on my back, talking to himself, doesn't mean that he was actually contributing anything. And why are you getting so worried? I made him wear a helmet, didn't I?"
"Yeah Twilight, I'm pretty sure that a Viking helmet isn't going to be enough to keep God knows how many of his bones from breaking."
"Oh please, Spike's been through much worse than this; besides, he's a tough dragon, he can handle a little pain."
You know, for somebody who claims to support the values of friendship, she sure seems to have no problem in putting a child's life at risk. (Because if you really think about it: racism, bullying, and even child abuse, wouldn't be what to expect from a world that practically sees friendship as a religion.) But what the Hell am I being so surprised for? She is the same pony who just stood by and watch Spike almost drown in the middle of the lake without even so much as batting an eye.
Anyway, when the match had finally started, it only took Applejack two seconds to buck Spike off of her. But this win had clearly went to Rainbow Dash, seeing as how she practically almost flung Spike straight to the fucking moon--and he would've been seriously injured if I hadn't flash forward myself straight to where he was about to land and caught him in time! (Oh, and in case you're wondering, no, Twilight didn't do anything when Spike had almost crushed God knows how many bones in his body; no magic beams, no teleporting, just nothing--in fact, she just sort of stood there as if nothing was even happening in the first place.)
The fourth round was another rodeo type challenge--only this one involves lassoing. Now normally they would have to use a calf for this, but since there seems to be some type of calf shortage, guess who they decided to use instead. You know what, don't even bother guessing, because we clearly both have the same answer. In fact, let's just say it together: one...two...three...SPIKE!
I'm not even fucking around here, but after I successfully saved Spike, the first thing that Twilight does is lift him with her magic, place him back in the pin with Applejack and Rainbow Dash, and literally say that he's their lassoing target. And she didn't even ask if he was OK, or if he even wanted to do this in the first place, she just flat out tossed him back in there without even an ounce of care in her body!
And don't let it be said that I didn't try to talk Twilight out of this; because I had a few words to say to that bitch. "For God's sake, Twilight, what is your deal?! You already put Spike's wellbeing in serious risk, and now you're just gonna toss him back in there?! What the Hell?!"
"Oh relax," she responded in the same non-caring manner as before, "you saw that he didn't get hurt."
"But he could've; after flying across the field from that height, his whole body would've splattered if I hadn't caught him in time. Now that I've mentioned it, how come you were just standing there while your own assistant was practically having a near death experience? I mean you didn't teleport him straight here before he was about to crash into the ground, you didn't use your magic to create a giant pillow for him to land on, Hell, you didn't so much as flinch by the time Rainbow Dash had flung him into the sky. Do you even care that Spike could've died from that little stunt? Doesn't a bit of you just feel ashamed for putting a child's life at risk?!"
"Hey, don't tell me how to raise my assistant! I was the one who made him hatch, so therefore, I automatically know what's best for him! So why don't you butt out and leave the parenting to the professionals?!"
Inconsiderate bitch! I mean, what the fuck happened to the Twilight from Winter Wrap Up?! You know, the one who was sympathetic, and you just couldn't stand to see crying. But this Twilight, I just wanna smack her across the face until her head pops off! Just when did she suddenly no longer gave any care to Spike's wellbeing? Again, she and these ponies are supposed to be so peaceful and tolerable, that you know that they never would do something as careless as forcing a child to be some kind of crash test dummy. (Especially if it ends up killing him!)
But I digress; anyway, it was kind of a no brainer that Applejack would win this one (what with her being a cowgirl and all), and the score was now 2-2. As soon as it was over, I untied the lasso around Spike and told him to just lie back and take a break. (And after all the humiliating shit that he just had to go through, he's more than earned it.)
...
Everything started to get intense at this point: Rainbow Dash won a ball tossing contest, Applejack won a hay tossing contest, Rainbow Dash won an arm wrestle (or hoof wrestle in her case), and Applejack won a football kicking contest. So far, the score is 5-5. Rainbow Dash was suddenly starting to get ahead of Applejack--but I've been noticing that she's been using her wings as an advantage throughout most of the game.
It was now the final round; it was a tug of war. Applejack was just about to pull Rainbow Dash into the mud pile, but then Rainbow Dash had suddenly flown up and it made Applejack fall into the mud. The score was now 15-5, and it would seem that Rainbow Dash had won.
Rainbow Dash was like, "Woo-Hoo! I'm the Iron Pony!"
"Only 'cause you cheated!" Applejack retorted.
"What?"
"You used yer wing power to help you win over half those contests!"
"Sounds like sour apples to me."
And that's when I stepped in. "Oh no Rainbow Dash, she's right; you did cheat."
Rainbow Dash was then like, "Now you're on her side?"
And I was like, "Rainbow Dash, I'm the referee; and it's my duty to make sure that everyone is playing fair. And I've been seeing you use your wings to cheat your way to victory. Hell, you were practically cheating in front of everybody during that last round. And if you think that I'm going to allow you to get away with all that, then think again." I blew my whistle to get everyone's attention. When everybody stood silent, I cried out like a referee during a football game. "Rainbow Dash has been using unfair advantages with her wings! Therefore, she loses ten points!"
"What?!" cried Rainbow Dash, and to her horror, she watched as the score was changed from 15-5 to 5-5. She flew up to my face and said, "Surely, you can't be serious?!"
"Yes, I am serious," I told her. "And don't call me Shirley."
I heard Andrew and Jonathan laughing at my little reference. "Yeah, you see, they get the joke." I laughed for a while as well; but then I calmed myself down and said, "But seriously though, Rainbow Dash, if you keep giving me more lip, then I'll just take away another point and let Applejack win."
She then gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"
"Wanna bet?!"
Just when I was about to blow my whistle, Rainbow Dash cried out, "OK, OK, you've made your point! But now it's a tie!"
"Well," I suggested, "I guess you better come up with a tiebreaker then."
They were both pondering for a while; and then Applejack shouted, "I got it! Our tiebreaker will be the Runnin' of the Leaves!"
"The Running of the what?" I asked.
And then she explained to me, "The Runnin' of the Leaves is the annual fall race that helps all the leaves fall. And it's tomorrow mornin'. And whoever wins gets ta be called the Iron Pony."
"Well, I guess you two got your tiebreaker then."
...
The next day, me and the guys were heading over to the Running of the Leaves track. I had to be the referee again--since I know for sure that Rainbow Dash won't be playing fair. And the guys just came along just because they didn't have anything else better to do. As I stood there on the starting line, I saw all of the competitors get ready. I even saw Applejack tie up Rainbow Dash's wings--since she's not allowed to use them.
Then to everyone's surprise, there came a surprise competitor; a pony that nobody would ever think would dare try to compete in a race. And that pony was Twilight Sparkle!
Applejack was like, "Twilight? What in tarnation are ya doin' up here?"
"I'm racing."
Rainbow Dash laughed at that statement. "Good one, Twilight."
"I'm not joking."
"You're not an athlete," Rainbow Dash reminded her. "You're a... well...you're an egghead."
"I am not an egghead," Twilight defended herself. "I'm well-read."
Applejack was snickering a bit and said, "But have ya ever run a race?"
"Well no, but I do know a lot about running."
Rainbow Dash then said, "And you know this from..."
And Twilight told her, "Books. I've read several on the subject."
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were both laughing their asses off; Rainbow Dash then said, "What'd you read? The Egghead's Guide to Running? Did you stretch out your eye muscles to warm up? Get it? Eye muscles."
As much as I hated Twilight for purposely putting Spike's life at risk, I still couldn't stand to see Rainbow Dash and Applejack say that she couldn't compete just because she's "not an athlete." So I blew my whistle and shouted, "Hey! You two better stop insulting Twilight right now!"
"Says who?" Rainbow Dash retorted.
"Says me! When I'm wearing this black and white shirt, and this black baseball cap, you'll do whatever the fuck I tell you to do! And if I keep hearing you and Applejack making unsportsmanlike comments towards Twilight, then I'll disqualify you two!"
"What?! You can't do that!" Rainbow Dash cried.
"Oh yes I can, missy! And besides, where does it say in the rule book of sports that only athletic types can compete in races?" she and Applejack were both silent. "That's right, it's not. And if it's not in the rule book, then Twilight has just about as much a right to compete as you do. So, ha!" I then blew the whistle until all the ponies were silent. "All right you ponies, listen up! Before we start this race, I better go over some ground rules! Now I want this to be a good and fair race; I'll not tolerate any unsportsmanlike conduct, or any cheating during this race! Rule #1: I don't want to hear any of you insulting your fellow competitor! If any of you have been watching what Rainbow Dash and Applejack have been doing to Twilight, then you can all see that they were showing a good example of what not to do in the race! Anyone who insults their fellow competitor will be disqualified. And Rainbow Dash, if Twilight's an egghead, then that makes you a blockhead."
I then heard Jonathan--in the crowd--do the Regular Show "Ooooooh!" and then shouted at Rainbow Dash, "He's got ya there, Rainbow Dash!"
"Zip it, Jonathan!" she cried in defense.
I then went over the next rules. "Rule #2: I don't want to see any of you pushing, or tugging, or having any physical contact with your fellow competitors! Anyone who lays so much as a hoof on anybody will be disqualified! Rule #3: Rainbow Dash has been strictly forbidden from using her wings in this race! If she's caught using her wings just once, then she'll be disqualified! OK, that seems to be it; now let's get this race started!"
As soon as I got out of the way, I used another flash forward to bring a segway for me to ride on during the race. And as soon as I got on it, the race had finally begun. I mostly just followed Rainbow Dash and Applejack throughout the race. (Because it was very clear from before that there was no chance of Twilight or the other ponies cheating in this race.) As they were racing, Applejack tripped on a rock and cried, "Jeffrie, did ya see that? Rainbow Dash tripped me!"
"No, she didn't," I corrected her, "you just tripped on a rock; and I can't disqualify Rainbow Dash for something that's your own fault."
When Applejack finally caught up with Rainbow Dash, she tripped on a stump. "Jeffrie, did you see that? Applejack tripped me!"
"No Rainbow Dash, she didn't. You just tripped on a stump; and I can't disqualify Applejack just because you fucked up a little."
Throughout the rest of the race, I noticed that the two of them were cheating on so many levels. I took my cellphone out and took pictures as evidence for when I disqualify them. First Rainbow Dash smacked Applejack in the face with a low tree branch, then Applejack used that branch to boost herself ahead of Rainbow Dash, then Applejack kicked a beehive off a tree, then Rainbow Dash switched the direction of the sign, I then saw Applejack kick a bucket of maple syrup to try and slow down Rainbow Dash, and when they were getting close to the finish line, they were pushing each other. While they were pushing each other, the rope around Rainbow Dash's wings was loosened, then she tried to fly for it. And when they crossed that finish line, they both tied. But not at first place, but last place!
They were both like, "Then who won?" and that's when Twilight walked up to them with a gold medal around her neck. "YOU?!"
And Twilight said, "Oh no, but I did get 5th place."
Rainbow Dash was like, "I don't believe it; Twilight beat us."
"Yes, it would seem that brains triumphs over brawns again." I commented. "Besides, even if you two did get first place, you still would've lost."
"What do ya mean?" Applejack asked.
"What I mean is that you two are both disqualified!"
"What?!"
"Oh yeah, you're both disqualified."
"For what?!" Rainbow Dash challenged my claim.
I then took out my cellphone and said, "Let's see here; for you Rainbow Dash, we got: smacking Applejack with a tree branch, switching directions on a sign, pushing Applejack, and using your wings. And as for you, Applejack, we got: using a tree branch to boost yourself, kicking a beehive, kicking a bucket full of maple syrup, and pushing Rainbow Dash."
Applejack then asked, "Then who got first place?"
I then pointed to the winner and said, "Him."
And to both their surprise, it was Andrew! "Andrew!" Rainbow Dash cried. "But he's not even in the race!"
"Oh yeah, he was in the race." I explained. "I just didn't tell any of you."
"But that's cheating!"
"No Rainbow Dash, I said no insulting, no pushing, and no using wings. I never said no not letting you know who you're competing against."
"But how could he have run so fast ta get here before us?" Applejack wondered.
"Simple, I taught him how to do that flash forward trick the night before; we even came up with the idea of him entering the race."
"But why?"
"Well, we both figured that winning this race meant a lot to you two, so we figured that it'd be funny to take that away from you."
While Rainbow Dash and Applejack were just standing there with "what the fuck" expressions on their faces, Andrew was shouting, "Yeah, I won! Play me a victory tune, Jonathan!"
And that's when Jonathan took out his iPod and started to play "We Are The Champions." As soon as I heard that, I shouted, "Hey, that's my victory tune!"
"So, just share it." Andrew stated.
"I don't have to share it; it's my victory tune! So get your own!"
"Why don't you make me?!"
"All right Andrew, you asked for it!" and that was when I started to chase him all over the track while leaving a giant trail of leaves behind.
The next day, Jonathan and I were just walking around Ponyville. As for Andrew, he was back at the house--celebrating his victory from yesterday (and me and Jonathan basically wanted to get away from all that). While we were walking, Jonathan decided to start up a conversation. "Hey Jeffrie, I've been wondering."
"If you'll ever get to fuck Twilight?"
"What, no! I was wondering how you did all that stuff during the games? You know, that thing you did to get a segway and a referee outfit?"
"You mean the flash forward?"
"Yeah, that."
"Well it's easier than it looks, Jonathan; you just imagine yourself at some destination, or having a valuable object, and poof. In fact, why don't I demonstrate; where're the ponies at?"
"I think they're over at Rarity's place."
"Then that's where we're heading!" I quickly did another flash forward, then next thing you know, Jonathan and I were both standing in Rarity's room. "And we're here."
Rarity was startled, to say the least. "How did you two get here?" we were both trying to think of a plausible answer, but Rarity didn't even bother to wait for it. "Oh I suppose that doesn't really matter; since you two are here anyway, what do you think?"
She then showed us these fancy looking dresses that she and her friends are planning on wearing to this Gala of their's. I figured that it was best just to tell her what she wanted to hear. "Wow, very nice Rarity."
Jonathan added, "Yeah, those are some fine looking dresses you've made."
Rarity blushed a little as she said, "Thank you, boys; that's awfully sweet of you two. OK girls, what do you think?"
That's when we both turned around and noticed that the other ponies were right behind us. Twilight said, "Wow...they're..."
And Rainbow Dash said, "Yeah, they're..."
Then Applejack said, "They sure are...somethin'."
Twilight was then like, "Yes! Something."
And Pinkie Pie added, "I love something! Something is my favorite!"
And Fluttershy just said, "It's...nice."
In response to all this, Rarity had this to say, "But what's the matter? Don't you like them?"
Twilight told her, "They're very nice..."
Applejack added, "And we're plum grateful 'cause you worked so hard on them."
And Rainbow Dash just blurted, "Mine's just not as cool as I was imagining." We were all looking at her as if we were saying, "Really?" and she was like, "She asked."
Twilight then quickly said, "I guess what we're all saying is that they're just not what we were expecting."
Rarity seemed a bit upset, so I told her, "Don't listen to them, Rarity; you're the fashion expert, not them. Besides, they clearly need to learn to be grateful for the things that are already given to them."
Twilight was like, "What do you mean?"
And I told her, "What I mean is that Rarity must've been working very hard to make these dresses for all of you. So maybe instead of being so damn picky about what type of dress you were expecting, you should just accept the fact that Rarity made you all something instead of nothing."
Jonathan added, "He does have a point; something is better than nothing."
And Twilight said, "Yeah, but still though, these weren't exactly what we had in mind."
I was getting fed up with this picky attitude, so I said, "Then make your own God damn dress!"
To that, Rainbow Dash said, "Look, none of us are saying that we don't appreciate what Rarity did. It's just that, you know...they could've been done better."
Before I could say anything else, Rarity stopped me and said, "It's quite all right, Jeffrie. I don't mind making more."
"What?"
"I made these dresses for my friends; and if they're not satisfied, then I'm not satisfied."
Jonathan then told her, "But Rarity, you already made dresses; you don't have to make more."
She just patted him on the head and said, "Oh, tut, tut, Jonathan. You seem to forget that I'm the best fashion designer in all of Ponyville."
"She means tailor." I whispered loudly to Jonathan.
She must've heard me, because I soon noticed that she was giving me that same irritated look as always. She held it for a while until saying, "As I was saying, I've made these dresses for my friends; and I won't stop until they're completely satisfied."
As the ponies were beginning to leave, Twilight said, "Well, in that case...thank you again, Rarity."
When they were all gone, Rarity was like, "What have I gotten myself into?"
"Into one big Hell of a mess." I replied.
...
The next morning, Jonathan and I were over at Carousel Boutique, watching Rarity make more dresses. (It was either that or watch Andrew do that weird, fucked-up, victory dance of his; so we figured that watching Rarity make dresses was the better option.) While she was in the middle of making them, Fluttershy had come in and soon found herself trying on her new dress. "What do you think?"
After looking at herself for a couple of seconds, Fluttershy was able to muster, "I... love it."
You'd think Rarity would just accept that compliment and leave it at that, right? But nope, she instead had to say this, "Oh, you're just saying that."
"No, no. I do." Fluttershy insisted. "It's...nice."
"'Nice'?"
"Nice."
"If you don't like it, you should just tell me."
"Oh, but I do like it."
"Like it or love it?"
"Um...both?"
"Which is it?"
"Please stop asking me this, I..."
"Well, just tell me what you really think."
"No, that's OK..."
"Tell me."
"No... it's fine..."
"Tell me!"
"I... like it..."
"Tell me, tell me, tell-me-tell-me-tell-me!"
Jesus Christ, Rarity, what part of "I like it" don't you get?! I was thinking to myself. But right before I was about to say something, Fluttershy had a few things of her own to say. "All right! Since you really wanna know...the armscye's tight, the middy collar doesn't go with the shawl lapel, the hems are clearly machine-stitched, the pleats are uneven, the fabric looks like toile, you used a backstitch here when it clearly called for a topstitch or maybe a traditional blankent stitch, and the overdesign is reminiscent of pret-a-porter and not true French haute courtue." We all just paused and pretty much had the same reaction that Rarity was having right now. "But, uh...you know...um, whatever you want to do is fine."
Jonathan was the first to say, "How do you know so much about fashion?"
Fluttershy just blushed as she said, "Just a hobby." As soon she was gone, I said, "Damn, who would've thought Fluttershy would be so blunt?!"
Rarity was able to get out of her shock and was immediately getting back to work on the dresses...right when she was about to sing a musical number! But before she could even sing the first lyric, I quickly flash forward Jonathan and myself straight back to the house. But we were soon about to witness a more horrible sight; Andrew dancing. He was doing that weird, fucked-up, victory dance, while listening to "That's the Way (I Like It)."
By the time he finally noticed us, he stopped the music and said, "Oh hey guys, I didn't hear y'all come in."
"Gee, ya think?" Jonathan commented.
Andrew sat himself upon the couch and asked us, "So what have you guys been doing?"
"Well," I told him, "Jonathan and I were over at Carousel Boutique, watching Rarity make dresses."
"Oh, she's making dresses?"
"E'yup, but then she was about to sing a musical number--and there's no way that I was going to listen to that."
"I still don't get why you make such a big deal over them," Jonathan stated. "I think those little musicals are OK." I gave him a "What the fuck you just say?" kind of look and he was like, "I'll...just go to my room."
As soon as he went upstairs, Andrew said, "So why is she making these dresses, anyway?"
"For that fancy Gala that they're wanting to attend."
"Oh yeah, me and Jonathan still have our tickets. You sure that you still don't wanna go, Jeffrie?"
"Of course I'm sure. What makes you think I even want to attend some fancy party in the first place?"
"Well, you can always just hang out with us, make fun of some of the rich ponies. And who knows; you might maybe make some new friends."
"Yeah, and I might end up getting humiliated in front of everybody by Celestia, just so she can get back at me for that whole deflecting her lightning bolt ordeal. And do you really think that I'm going to allow her to have that chance?"
"I guess not."
...
A week later, me and Jonathan were just walking around Ponyville until we happened to bump into Spike. He mentioned something about a famous fashion critic coming to see Rarity's dresses tonight, so we decided to follow him over to Carousel Boutique. When we got there, Spike told everyone the big news, and they were all excited--except for Rarity.
I then said, "So... where are the dresses?"
Fluttershy flew up to me and said, "Oh Jeffrie, you and Jonathan must see the dresses; they're perfect."
Well I suppose if Fluttershy says they're perfect, then I guess they can't be that bad. Right when me and Jonathan were going to see these "perfect" dresses, Rarity got in the way and said, "Oh no, you don't need to see them."
"Why not?"
"Because...why spoil the surprise?"
Jonathan managed to sneak past her and get a glimpse of those dresses. "HOLY SHIT!" he came back and was like, "Jeffrie, I don't think you ought to look at this."
I pushed both of them aside as I made way towards the dresses. "Jesus Christ, will you both relax; I mean they're just dresses, it's not like..." and that's when I saw them, "OH MY GOD!" I saw with my own eyes, the worst dresses ever made! Twilight's was purple with a bunch of constellations on it, and it came with a headband with a bunch of stars on a wire. Applejack's dress came with a red ten-gallon hat and yellow galoshes. Rainbow Dash's wasn't even a dress; it was battle armor. Fluttershy's dress didn't seem too bad, except for the fact that she's going to be wearing a bird's nest on her head! And Pinkie Pie's dress...oh God is it bad. It consisted of a tutu with a big yellow bow tie, a giant cupcake for a hat, and there's going to be balloons tied on her tail. So in short, these dresses suck ass!
I was like, "Oh God, oh my God, Rarity, you can't be serious!"
"I know, I know, they're awful," Rarity agreed. "But I didn't have any options."
"Yes you did," Jonathan pointed out. "You could've either just go with those fancy dresses, or these abominations. And clearly you picked the latter."
"Well Jonathan, if I didn't make the dresses the way the girls wanted, they wouldn't have been satisfied."
"Uh, Rarity," I said, "I'm trying to think of things more worse than these dresses...nope, I can't think of anything!"
Jonathan then added, "At least tell us that you're not going to show these on your fashion show."
"I'm afraid so."
I let out a Buzz Killington sigh and clarified a little something for Rarity. "OK, Rarity, nobody's gonna want to see this crap! For Christ's sake, even Lady Gaga and Katy Perry wouldn't want to be caught dead in these!"
"Who are they?"
"They're terrible singers that you ponies are fortunate enough not to have to listen to. But that's not the point; the point is you can't show these fucking eyesores in the fashion show!"
"And why not?!" cried Rainbow Dash.
I turned to her and said, "Rainbow Dash, you can clearly see that these dresses look fucking ridiculous! If you all go on that stage wearing this, everybody's going to laugh at you!"
"No they won't!" Rainbow Dash denied.
"Oh yes they will," I stated. "And believe me when I say that if you go out in public with these dresses on, you're all going to make great big fools of yourselves! But you'll also end up making Rarity look like a bigger fool, because she's the one who made them in the first place!"
Jonathan then pointed out, "And besides, those dresses she made before looked much better than these; so what's wrong with wearing them?"
"Yes Jonathan, those dresses are clearly for the fashion show," I said. "These however shouldn't even be seen! In fact, if I were you Rarity, I'd start a bonfire and burn these eyesores before anybody realizes that they exist!"
She took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry Jeffrie, but I'm afraid that these dresses will have to do."
"Oh my God, you can't be serious about this; your whole reputation as a tailor will be ruined if you do this."
"First of all, it's fashion designer, not tailor. And second of all, I only wish to see my friends satisfied."
I let out another Buzz Killington sigh as I told her, "All right Rarity, but don't say I didn't tell you so. Come on, Jonathan."
Later that night, me and the guys had gotten front row seats to see Rarity's reputation shatter in front of everybody. As we were about to sit down, this fancy looking pony came by, clapped his hooves, and then somebody came and brought a pillow for him to sit on. When the fancy pony finally noticed us, he said, "I say, are you the three visitors who fell out of the sky?"
I told him, "Yeah, that's us."
"Then that must make you three celebrities. Dr. Hooves, bring three more pillows for these three." When he mentioned that name, I had a vague memory of a pony that Twilight once took us to. After seeing the said pony bringing each of us a pillow to sit on, I finally recognized him as the same pony who invented our PS3, TV, and Wi-Fi system.
"Dr. Hooves?" I remembered his name. "When did you become a servant?"
"To make a long story short, I lost a bet," the doctor explained.
After that was settled, the fancy pony felt like introducing himself. "Now that that's been settled, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Hoity Toity: the bigwig fashion hotshot in Canterlot."
"Don't you mean Camelot?" I pointed out.
"No, last time I've checked, it was pronounced Canterlot."
"Anyway, I'm Jeffrie, and this is Jonathan and Andrew."
"Nice to make your acquaintance." Said Hoity Toity. "In case you're all wondering, the reason why I'm here is because Spike the dragon had told me that this Rarity is supposed to be the best fashion designer in Ponyville."
"You might be a bit disappointed." Jonathan confessed.
"I definitely don't doubt that."
Me and the guys decided to form a football huddle as we were each having a private, whisper conversation. "Am I the only one who thinks that this Hoity Toity fellow might be a little bit gay?" I whispered.
Andrew then whispered in response, "You're not the only one, brother."
"I know, right?" I said. "I mean did you notice the way he talked and that very gay look that he was giving Jonathan?"
"What?!" Jonathan softly shouted.
"Oh yeah Jonathan, he definitely seems to have the gay hots for ya."
"What?!"
I then made a suggestion, "In fact, I think he's probably thinking about butt rapping you right about now."
"Shut up!"
Andrew then made his own suggestion, "I don't know man, maybe he just wants to suck Jonathan's dick."
"Stop talking!"
The lights went out, and we saw Vinyl playing a record. We then heard Spike make the introduction--and he definitely seems to have a way with words. And that's when the spotlight was on Twilight and the others; and everybody--including Hoity Toity--were disgusted by the God-awful rags that they call dresses. When they came to the end of the stage, Andrew had burst out laughing, and eventually everybody else started to laugh along with him. Hoity Toity had a few things to say about the dresses--and none of them were positive. And it all ended with Rarity coming onto the stage, having to bear the humiliation that was about to fall upon her.
...
A couple of days later, me, the guys, and the ponies, were heading over to Carousel Boutique to check on Rarity. She hadn't been out of her house ever since her reputation as a tailor was ruined--by her so-called friends and their bad taste in fashion. When we came to the door that led to her room, it was locked. And that's when Rarity decided to spew a few melodramatic sentences. "Don't even bother trying to soothe my pain with words; I'm never coming out! I can't show my face in Ponyville ever again! I used to be somepony; I used to be respected. I made dresses; beautiful, beautiful dresses! But now everypony is laughing at me. I'm nothing but a laughingstock!"
"Come on, Rarity," Jonathan tried to calm her down. "I know your friends ruined your whole reputation (although a bit of it was also your own fault, seeing as how you could've avoided all this), but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself."
"Just leave me alone!" Rarity cried. "I want to be alone! I want to wallow in... whatever it is that ponies are supposed to wallow in! Do ponies wallow in pity? Oh, listen to me, I don't even know what I'm supposed to wallow in! I'M SO PATHETIC!"
After that bit of melodrama, Twilight said, "Now what do we do?"
"Eh, it could be worse," Jonathan told her.
"How can it possibly be any worse for her?" Twilight inquired.
"Well, she could be in a bathtub slitting herself right now," Jonathan gave his example.
"Jonathan, that's horrible!" Fluttershy let her disgust be known.
"I know," said Jonathan.
After that grim suggestion was out of the way, I took this chance to rub more salt in the ponies' wounds. "I TOLD YOU SO!"
"Oh shut up, Jeffrie," Twilight retorted, "now's not the time for you to rub it in our faces."
"Well fuck all of you then," I shot back, "you should all be ashamed of yourselves anyway! Because me and Jonathan have been watching Rarity work her ass off, day and night, just to make fine looking dresses for you ungrateful little bitches! And all that we ever hear out of any of you is, 'Oh Rarity, this constellation doesn't have enough stars! Oh Rarity, this dress needs to be 20% more cooler! Oh Rarity, this dress needs more streamers!'"
Rainbow Dash then said, "You're saying that it's our fault that Rarity's a laughingstock?!"
"No fucking shit it's your fault!" I shouted. "You were the ones who made Rarity make those eyesores in the first place!"
Jonathan then had a few things of his own to say, "Yeah, I hope you're all happy; because I'm sure as Hell ain't! You all just couldn't have stick with what Rarity had given you in the first place, did you? You all just had to make her keep downgrading them until they looked like shit! And for what?! Just so you can all have dresses the way you imagined on the expense of your own friends' pride and dignity?!"
Andrew only had this to say, "You gotta admit though, those dresses were pretty funny to look at." He chuckled a little until Jonathan and I each gave him a death glare. "Um...too soon?"
"Ya damn right too soon." Jonathan told him.
"I'm...going to wait outside."
When he left, I said to the ponies, "Anyway, the point is that you all ruined Rarity's reputation as a tailor, and you're all gonna help fix it."
I then heard Rarity shout, "For the last time, I'm a fashion designer, not a tailor!"
I then pointed out, "Shouldn't you be wallowing in pity right now?"
And we heard her say, "Oh just look at me, I can't even stay in character! I REALLY AM PATHETIC!"
I then turned back to the ponies. "OK, here's the plan: if we can be able to show Hoity Toity all of you wearing the good dresses instead of the bad ones, maybe--just maybe--Rarity's reputation might be saved."
They were silent for a while until Twilight said, "You know, that might actually work."
"That's good to hear," I said. "Now while you all try to get Rarity out of her room, me and the guys are going to try convincing Hoity Toity to give her a second chance."
By the time we were out of the store, Andrew picked up the pace and asked, "So what are we gonna do now?"
I asked him, "You remember that fashion critic who has a gay thing for Jonathan?"
I heard him cry, "Oh God!" and then Andrew said in his Big Mac impersonation, "E'yup."
And I told him the rest, "Well we have to try to convince him to give Rarity a second chance."
"And how are we gonna do that?"
"Simple, we tell him about the good dresses, then maybe he might be curious enough to come see them."
"And if that doesn't work?"
"If that doesn't work, then we'll have to go with Plan B."
"And what's Plan B?"
"Plan B involves Jonathan sucking his dick."
"What?!" Jonathan cried.
"Well he was giving you some pretty suggestive looks last night," I pointed out. "So maybe a little pleasure might make him change his mind."
"Oh no," cried Jonathan. "There's no way in Hell that I'm going to suck his dick!"
"That's only if he doesn't agree at first; chances are you might not even have to suck his dick. Also, since when have you been so reluctant to suck some cock?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't you remember how in high school, you use to brag about how proud you are for being bi?"
Andrew then added, "Yeah, you always like to shove that bit of information in our faces every chance you get; why else would you always say that 'love is love'?"
"Of course I'm proud of being bi," Jonathan defended. "It's just that...he's not my type, OK!"
"Well at least do it for Rarity, won't ya?"
After my little guilt trip had affected Jonathan, he sighed and said, "Fine, I'll do it for Rarity."
...
After hours of searching, we finally found Hoity Toity. I walked up to him and said, "Hey Hoity Toity, you wouldn't remember us by any chance, would ya?"
He thought for a while and said, "Ah yes, Jeffrie and company, I trust that you've all come to bid me farewell?"
"Actually, we were wondering if you wouldn't mind giving Rarity a second chance?"
"Rarity: that poor excuse for a fashion designer. Why should I?"
Not wanting to result to blowing him off, Jonathan quickly said, "Look, I understand that those last dresses were terrible, but they're nothing compared to her original designs. So maybe you could be interested in seeing them?"
After more thinking, Hoity said, "OK, I'll give her one last chance."
As we were heading back to Carousel Boutique, Andrew said to Jonathan, "See, ya didn't have to suck his dick after all."
"And thank God for that."
By the time we got back, Hoity Toity was absolutely astonished by Rarity's better dresses. As soon as it was all over, Hoity Toity had nothing but praise to give to Rarity. "Rarity, my congratulations to you on a most impressive fashion debut. Would you do me the great honor of allowing me to feature your couture in my Best of the Best Boutique in Canterlot?"
Rarity was utterly speechless; but Twilight however had plenty to say while she was making Spike write her letter for her. "Dear Princess Celestia, this week my very talented friend Rarity learned that if you try to please everypony, you often times end up pleasing nopony, especially yourself. And I learned this: when somepony offers to do you a favor, like making you a beautiful dress, you shouldn't be overly critical of something generously given to you. In other words..."
"Jeffrie is always right." I muttered next to her.
"Jeffrie is always right." As soon as she realized what she just said, she immediately regretted it. "Spike, don't write that!"
Unfortunately, her behest failed to reach Spike in time before he engulfed the letter with his fire breath. As the scroll scattered into green embers, Spike looked back at Twilight as he said, "You say something Twilight?"
Twilight's eyes were twitching a little as I said to her, "Yep, you just saw that, Twilight; you just saw Spike send a letter to Celestia with proof that I'm always right. And as soon as she reads it, she's going to think that you yourself have admitted it."
Twilight just gave me an annoyed glare as she said, "You know, sometimes I really hate you."
"Yeah, and sometimes I never should bother defending you whenever you're getting ganged up on or having your feelings hurt by one of your friends. But I do it anyway."
In the end, Rarity's reputation was saved, Hoity Toity got to see good dresses, and Jonathan didn't have to suck any dicks. So all in all, everybody wins.
Today wasn't going to be like any other day that I've spent here. For starters, I got up way before any of the guys could even start stirring out of their beds and went down to answer the door. And there stood Fluttershy asking if I could help her gather up some of her frog friends for some little outing she has planned. Seeing as how she's probably the one pony that I like the most (and also seeing that this could be the one chance of getting to be around her without any of the guys saying that she's my girlfriend), I decided to go ahead and help her out.
...
After about an hour, I was finally able to gather up the last of the frogs as I handed them to Fluttershy in a basket. (The rest were in a cart, but since there's not enough room, she had no choice to but to carry the last one in her mouth.)
"Thanks again for helping me, Jeffrie. I know that you could be doing something better with your friends and all..."
"Hey, don't be thinking that now; I'm always glad to help you with something. Besides, I like hanging out with you."
Her cheeks started to blush a little. "Y-you mean that?"
"Of course I do; I can't really imagine anyone not wanting to be around someone as nice as you." She just sort of froze for a while just so she can let that last sentence sink in. "Well, I better go back home now. (I'm sure the guys are probably starting to wonder where I am right about now.) And if you need help with anything else, just come and ask me."
When I was finally at a far-off distance from her cottage, Fluttershy let out a sigh as she stared off dreamily and said to herself, "Jeffrie and I are meant to be," she was popped out of her daydream state when her frogs started to get impatient. "Oh dear, I'm sorry."
As I was heading back to the house, I saw Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle walking out of Sugarcube Corner. I figured since I have nothing else better to do, I decided to just walk up to them and mingle with them. "Hey Pinkie, hey Twilight. What's going on?"
"Oh not much," said Pinkie. "I just gave Twilight a bath."
"And why were you giving her a bath?"
"Because a cart came by and splattered mud on her."
"Which was a complete coincidence." Twilight added.
"And what makes ya think that?" I asked.
And Pinkie said, "Because I predicted that it would happen, and she doesn't believe me."
"And since when have you started being a psychic?"
"She's not psychic," Twilight stated. "She's just referring to her Pinkie Sense."
"You mean she sees dead people or something?"
"No silly," Pinkie giggled. "They're just feelings that I sometimes get whenever something good or bad is about to happen."
"And Twilight doesn't believe it?"
"Of course I don't believe it! It's just not practical!"
Practical. Looks like somebody's been reading a dictionary. "Oh God, please tell me this isn't gonna be one of those plot devices."
"What do you mean by 'those plot devices'?" Twilight inquired.
"I've seen something like this done in a Ren and Stimpy episode and whole lot of other TV shows," I explained. "It's when a certain character will be superstitious about strange things, like good luck and bad luck, while there's another character who'll be very skeptical about it and will always doubt anything that has to do with it. But then later on a bunch of bad stuff will happen to the skeptic until he ends up believing all the things he was doubting in the first place."
Twilight had this to say, "Well I still don't believe all this...'special power' stuff. It's just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo."
"What's not to believe?" Pinkie said in her defense. "You do magic, what's the difference?"
"She's got you there, Twilight." I commented.
"Of course there's a difference!" she got on top of a soap box and said, "First of all, magic is something you study and practice. It only happens when you decide to do it, and it's meant to make something specific that you choose to happen, happen. With you, it makes no sense at all!"
I then pointed out, "Twilight, a world ruled by talking ponies makes no sense, either. But you don't see me doubting it now, do you."
"I guess he told you, Twilight," Pinkie booped her muzzle. Twilight just let out an annoyed grunt and was heading back to her place. But before she even went back inside, Pinkie started to shake. "Uh-oh, I feel a combo coming on."
"What do ya mean by combo?" I asked.
"Sometimes a bunch of random things will happen to my body; I call them combos. And right now, I'm having an ear flop, eye flutter, and knee twitch."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
Right after Spike had suddenly slammed the door in Twilight's face, Pinkie said, "That means look out for opening doors."
I then started to laugh my ass off! "Hey Twilight, she said 'look out for opening doors'! You should've looked out for that one!" and I just laughed some more.
...
A couple of minutes later, Twilight had Pinkie hooked up to a bunch of science tech to see how her Pinkie Sense really works. At first she seemed to have no feelings, but then she was starting to feel one. I heard her stomach growl and she said, "It's my tummy! That usually just means I'm hungry! Let's eat!" Twilight just rage quit as she was taking all of that science tech off of her.
Before she left, my stomach started to gurgle a little. "Oh look at that, I'm starting to have a feeling of my own."
"Does it mean you're hungry?" Pinkie asked.
"No, it means that I'm either going to fart or burp." I then farted. "Well what do ya know, I just farted."
Just as Twilight was about to open the door, Pinkie started to shake and that's when Spike slammed the door on Twilight--again. (Only this time, Twilight was stuck to the door in Looney Tunes fashion.) When I saw the way she looked like some kind of flat pancake, I said, "Wait Twilight, don't move; hold that pose." I then took out my cellphone and took a picture. "And now I'm gonna go show this to the guys!"
When I came inside the house, the guys were just sitting on their asses playing a Mortal Kombat game. "And just where have you been? We had to eat breakfast without you." Jonathan asked.
"Oh, I've been going places," I said. "And just check out this picture of Twilight." They paused their match and were each trying hard not to lose their balance from all their laughing.
"Well, I've always said that Twilight was flat!" Andrew joked.
After laughing at that lack of boobs joke, I then changed the subject. "Did you guys know that Pinkie can predict stuff?"
Jonathan was the first to say, "No, can't really say that I recall anyone mentioning that."
"Well apparently Pinkie can predict when good or bad things are about to happen; kinda like Fiver."
Andrew was then like, "Who the Hell's Fiver?"
"Fiver," I tried to explain, "you know, that little rabbit who predicted that something bad was going to happen to the warren in Watership Down. Ring any bells?"
"I've actually never read that book."
"What?! You've never read Watership Down?!"
"Nope." He said in his Big Mac impersonation.
I then turned to Jonathan. "You've read it though, haven't you?"
"Yeah, I've never read it either."
"Seriously?! None of you have read it?!"
"Nope."
"OK, this is completely unacceptable right here!" I turned off the PS3 as I made my way up to my room.
"Hey, I was just about to win!" Jonathan whined.
"No, I was just about to win," Andrew corrected him. "You were just this close to having your spine ripped in half."
"Oh fuck you, Andrew! You just never give me a chance to fight back!"
"No fucking shit I don't give you a chance to fight back; if I did, then you'd probably win!"
I then came back down and slammed a copy of Watership Down upon the table in front of them. "OK, while you two are reading that, I'm just gonna go do some more stuff."
As I was walking, I saw Twilight and Spike hiding behind a bush, watching Pinkie Pie. I sneaked up behind them and whispered, "What're you doing?"
They both jumped up in fright as Twilight said, "Jeffrie, don't you know that it's rude to sneak up on somepony?!"
"Look who the fuck is talking," I retorted. "It's OK for you to stalk Pinkie Pie, but it's off limits for me to sneak from behind?!"
"I'm not stalking," Twilight defended herself. "I'm observing Pinkie Pie, scientific name: Pinkius Pieicus, in its natural habitat."
That's what stalking is, dumbass! "Pinkius Pieicus?"
"Yep, that's her scientific name."
"Yeah, and yours is: Twilightius Sparticus." Spike and I laughed a little bit for a while.
When Pinkie started to go somewhere else, Twilight said, "Come on, Pinkius Pieicus is on the move."
And I whispered to Spike, "Yeah, and Twilightius Sparticus is about to find herself under a restraining order."
...
For nearly two and a half hours, I've been following along Spike as we watch the Twilightius Sparticus stalk the Pinkius Pieicus's every move. First, the Twilightius Sparticus followed the Pinkius Pieicus to the school. There, the Pinkius Pieicus quickly hid itself from a swarm of bees that would end up stinging the Twilightius Sparticus. And then the Twilightius Sparticus followed the Pinkius Pieicus to Sweet Apple Acres. The Pinkius Pieicus suddenly had the feeling a door was about to open, and it would turn out that the Twilightius Sparticus had fallen right into an apple cellar. The Twilightius Sparticus followed the Pinkius Pieicus yet again, only this time the poor creature had suffered so many injuries that it had to move around in a wheelchair and had to have its forelegs operated by a crane. The Pinkius Pieicus then had the strange feeling--which was later explained to me by my colleague, Spike--that something was going to fall out of the sky. Spike got out of the way of course, while I took this chance to look up at the sky. "This is the part where I step back," I told the Twilightius Sparticus as I took a step back and watch the poor creature get pummeled by an odd number of objects. "I wonder where all those objects came from?" I looked up and saw Derpy flying next to a floating, moving van. "Ah, that explains it."
After that little safari, Twilight surprisingly survived all of that (this world really must be running on Looney Tunes logic). As we were walking around some more, that's when we saw Pinkie Pie talking to Applejack. She mentioned something about allowing Twilight to follow her around; and boy was Twilight pissed when she heard that. After that, Pinkie started to have another feeling.
"Let me guess, this is what happens when Twilight makes herself look like an idiot, right?" I guessed.
"Just because I'm in pain doesn't mean that I can't inflict any upon you." Twilight grumbled through gritted teeth.
Pinkie then said, "Dunno, never gotten any like it before, but whatever that shudder's about, it's a doozy. Something you never expect to happen is going to happen! And it's gonna happen...at Froggy Bottom Bogg!"
"That's where Fluttershy's headed!" Applejack pointed out.
I guess that explains the frogs. "Well what're we waiting for, let's go!"
As we were all walking through this Froggy Bottom Bogg, Spike said to me, "What do you think happened to Fluttershy?"
"I don't know, probably got lost or something."
"Do you know what I think?"
"No, what?"
"Maybe she exploded."
"Exploded?"
"Yeah, you know, boom."
"And how would she explode?"
"I don't know, I'm just thinking."
Pinkie Pie walked up to us and said, "What if she exploded, and then explode again?"
"How could she explode if she already did?" I asked.
"I don't know, but it could happen."
"No Pinkie, it couldn't; that's a physical impossibility."
Spike then added, "What if she exploded, and then explode again, and then explode again?"
I let out a Buzz Killington sigh and said, "Spike, Fluttershy exploding three times is about as likely to happen as Twilight bursting into flames; it's just not possible."
...
After hours of searching, we finally found Fluttershy--who seemed to be very OK. "Fluttershy! You're OK!" Spike cried as he leapt up and hugged her.
"Of course I am," Fluttershy said, "you act as if I was in danger."
I then went and hugged her as well, "Well I'm just glad to see that you're not hurt."
Fluttershy's cheeks were really red at this point. "Oh Jeffrie, you didn't have to go through all that trouble."
But that sweet little moment was ruined the second Twilight opened her mouth. "Sorry, I know it's not nice to gloat but...AHA! I told you there was nothing to worry about, and I was right." As she was ranting, a giant hydra was slowly rising from the swamp. "Pinkie Pie said whatever she was shuddering about was a doozy, and the only doozy here is how right I am."
"Um...Twilight?" Applejack tried to warn her.
But Twilight was too caught up in her ranting to even listen. "Pinkie's made a lot of predictions today, but what we've shown here is that there's no point in believing..."
"Will you just look the fuck behind you already!" I shouted.
She turned around and gazed upon the three headed beast that stood before her. She then cried, "RUN!" and we all ran until we came to a cliff.
Spike asked Twilight, "Do you know any spells for turning a hydra into a mouse?"
"No."
"How about a squirrel?"
"No!"
"How about..."
"No small rodents of any kind!"
I then said to her, "Really, you represent the Element of Magic and yet you can't even turn a huge ass hydra into a little, tiny mouse?"
"Well just because I represent the Element of Magic doesn't mean I know everything about magic--not now, that is."
"Wow, and I thought Trixie was useless."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Well if you can't turn a big thing into a little thing, then you're more useless than a fake wizard who can't even turn water into wine."
"Now you wait just a moment there, buster! I..." right when she was about to retort, we all saw the hydra coming closer! "So... any suggestions on how we get to the other side?"
I then made my suggestion. "Well Twilight, seeing as how there's a giant hydra getting ready to fucking eat us, maybe you could, um...TELEPORT US TO THE OTHER SIDE WITH YOUR MAGIC!"
"Oh, right." Without wasting anymore time, Twilight had quickly teleported us to the other side right before the hydra's jaws could snap us!
As we were looking at this monster from a safe distance, I took the time to mock it a little. "Yeah, that's right, you thought you were gonna get yourself a little pony, dragon, human buffet, but not today, bitch! Because we are off the menu!" as soon as it was gone, I said to the others, "I don't know about any of you, but I have to say that was one Hell of a doozy."
That is until Pinkie started to shudder again, "That wasn't it."
"What are you talking about Pinkie?" I asked.
"The hydra wasn't the doozy; whatever it is, it still hasn't happened."
Twilight looked like she was about to have a panic attack. "Huh? But I--WHAT?! The hydra wasn't the doozy?! How could it not be the doozy?! What could be doozier than that?!"
"Twilight," I interrupted, "I'm pretty sure that 'doozier' isn't a real word."
We then got to see something that no one was probably expecting: Twilight bursting into flames! (And if that doesn't count as a doozy, then I don't know what is!) After her meltdown, she then said, "I give up. I don't understand how, why, or what, but Pinkie Sense somehow...makes sense."
Pinkie's shuddering then suddenly stopped. "That was it. That's the doozy."
"Which is...?" I inquired.
"Twilight believing; I never expected that to happen."
"Well you should. It's like I said before, 'the skeptic will end up believing in the things she doubted in the first place'. Now if you all will excuse me, I need to rest."
When I came back home, I saw the guys still sitting on the couch--reading the book! Jonathan said, "Wow Jeffrie, you were right. This is a good book."
And Andrew added, "Yeah, even I can't believe that I never bothered to read this before."
Well I suppose that counts as my doozy for the day.
After that fucked up ordeal from yesterday, I was wandering around Ponyville for no better reason but to just see if I can't find anything interesting today. As I was walking by Twilight's place, I noticed some flashing and glowing coming from the inside. She was probably working on some magic spell, so I figured that it wouldn't hurt for me to check it out. When I came inside, everything was dark, and all the ponies were just staring at something.
"Hey, what's going on?" I said. "So what are you all looking at? Is that Rarity? What are those things on her...?" it was Rarity all right, but with butterfly wings! You remember the reaction the Nostalgia Critic had after seeing baby Arnold? Well, that was pretty much the same reaction I had after gazing upon Rarity's new form. I screamed for a while until I ran all the way back home and into the bathroom where I puked for a couple of minutes.
After getting that out of my system, I stepped back into the living room where Jonathan said, "Gees Jeffrie, what the Hell happened to you?"
Catching my breath, I told him, "I was walking into Twilight's place and I...I..."
"Spill it out, Jeffrie. What happened?"
"I saw Rarity."
"So... you saw her naked?" Andrew asked.
Jonathan looked at him and said, "Andrew, Rarity's always naked. In fact, all the ponies are naked."
"Oh yeah."
Jonathan turned his attention back to me. "So what was wrong with Rarity?"
Taking a deep breath, I finally told both of them, "She's been turned into a bug mutant!"
"SHE WHAT?!" they both cried in unison.
"That's right, I saw it with my own eyes! I just walked right in and there she was flying above me with butterfly wings on her back!"
"Now this I gotta see," Andrew stated as he was about to walk out the door.
"Count me in," Jonathan added.
When they both entered Twilight's place, they eventually got to gaze upon the monstrosity that lied before them. "Holy shit!" Andrew shouted. "Jeffrie wasn't kidding, she really is a bug mutant!"
"She's not a bug mutant," Twilight explained. "I just gave her wings."
"Why would you want to give her wings in the first place?" Jonathan asked.
"Because Rainbow Dash is competing in a competition over at Cloudsdale and we need to show our support. Although, this spell could only work once so I'm just going to have to resort to a simple spell that'll just allow us to walk on clouds."
"Say, can we come along too?" asked Jonathan.
Twilight thought for a couple of seconds until deciding, "Sure, don't see why not." She then made her horn glow and blasted a bunch of beams upon the guy's feet and the ponies' hooves.
"I don't really feel any different." Andrew pointed out.
"Just wait until we get to Cloudsdale and you'll see soon enough," Twilight told him. Before any of them could leave, that was when Spike finally came down. "Oh good Spike, you're awake. Me and my friends are going to Cloudsdale to support Rainbow Dash in her competition, so I'm going to need you to clean up the library for me."
"Why can't I come support Rainbow Dash as well?" Spike asked.
"Because I need you to clean up the library," Twilight told him. "So get to it." She, the ponies, and the guys then left Spike to clean up a mess--which she could easily clean up with her magic, but she doesn't, she's kind of a bitch that way. When they were outside, Twilight said, "OK everypony, let's get onto a hot air balloon and head to Cloudsdale."
Jonathan then suggested, "Or, you can just teleport us there with your magic."
"I guess I could do that."
And that's just what she did. No sooner had she engulfed them all in a pink flash that they all found themselves standing upon the pegasus city known as Cloudsdale. And the key term of that name really is cloud, because the whole city is pretty much made out of it. You remember how I'd fallen through Rainbow Dash's cloud house when we were having to live with her for a while? The guys didn't have to worry too much about that because luckily for them the spell that Twilight casted upon them allowed them to walk on clouds. And it just so happens that they were teleported straight to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.
"What in the...?!" Rainbow Dash was surprised to see them all. "How did you guys get here?!"
"Simple, I teleported us here." Twilight stated proudly.
That's when Rainbow Dash noticed Rarity's new wings. "Rarity, are those real wings?"
"They are indeed," Rarity said with pride. "Aren't my wings smashing?! Twilight made them for me. I just adore them!"
Fluttershy then asked the guys, "Where's Jeffrie?"
"He got freaked out by Rarity's wings," Andrew explained to her. "So he stayed home while me and Jonathan went to see for ourselves."
"Hmph, Jeffrie just doesn't know true beauty when he sees it." Rarity claimed.
Rainbow Dash then changed the subject. "Also, how come you're all able to walk on the cloud like that?"
"Twilight just cast a little spell on us and now we're walking on air." Jonathan told her.
"In fact, check out what I can do." Andrew then started to moonwalk.
"Oh yeah, watch this." And then Jonathan started doing the worm.
After a couple minutes of them dancing on the cloud, Rainbow Dash said, "Anyway, what do you say I give you a tour of Cloudsdale?"
"Well I'd sure like ta get a look at where the weather's made." Said Applejack.
"Great idea! C'mon, girls (and guys). To the weather factory!" without wasting anymore time, Rainbow Dash led them all to the weather factory.
When they arrived at the factory, they were all having to put on white coats and construction helmets. "Why are we having to wear this again?" Jonathan complained a little.
"Because this factory can be very hazardous, and I don't want any of you to get hurt." Rainbow Dash told him. After passing by machines that make clouds, they came upon where snowflakes are made. "This is where they make the snowflakes. Each one is hoofmade. As you can see, it's a delicate operation."
"Wait, so they create the weather?" Andrew asked Jonathan.
"Oh yeah, I remember Twilight mentioning something about this that time I had to stay at her place during the storm. She even said that they have control over it."
"Now wait a minute," Andrew stopped Rainbow Dash for a moment. "You ponies can literally control the weather?"
"Well technically it's pegasi who can control weather," Rainbow Dash corrected him. "But yeah, we pretty much have complete control over it."
"Then why allow blizzards and thunderstorms to happen in the first place? Couldn't you be able to prevent God knows how many natural disasters just by not making them?"
They were silent for a while until Rainbow Dash said, "You're scaring me, Andrew." She then immediately changed the subject. "Anyway, here's where we make the rainbows." They all just gazed upon the pool of rainbows standing before them. As Andrew was about to touch it, Rainbow Dash tried stopping him. "Hold it Andrew, you really shouldn't touch it."
"Come on, it's a rainbow," Andrew doubted. "What could possibly go wrong?" as soon as he touched it, his hand started to warm to a point where Andrew just had to scream in agony. "Jesus Christ that burns like Hell!"
"I told you not to touch it."
"Oh, hey look, it's Rainbow Crash again!" they all turned around and saw that Rarity had brought three jock stereotypes with her. One was brown with light grey hair, the other was dark yellow with brown hair, and the last one was blue with black hair.
As soon as they were closer, Rainbow Dash said to Rarity, "Rarity! What're you doing talking to these guys?"
And she told her, "Oh, they were just admiring my wings, Rainbow Dash."
The brown jock then said, "Yeah, you should forget the sonic rainboom and just get yourself some wings like these!"
While they were laughing, Jonathan asked, "Uh...what's a sonic rainboom?"
Then Pinkie explained to him, "It's when a pegasus flies so fast that it creates a sonic boom and leaves a rainbow trail behind. And Rainbow Dash is one of the few who can do it."
"Yeah right," the yellow jock doubted. "The sonic rainboom's just an old mare's tale; even somepony like Rainbow Crash can't pull that off."
"OK, just what's your deal with her?" Andrew asked the jock stereotypes. "What she's ever done to have you jerks talk shit to her like that?"
"They've always been giving me and Fluttershy a hard time since flight school," Rainbow Dash explained. "They're mostly just mad because I've beaten them in a race--which also happens to have been the same day I pulled off that sonic rainboom."
"Wait, wait," Jonathan said as he was about to talk the jock stereotypes. "So she beats you in a race, proving that she's a better flyer than any of you, and also manages to pull off a stunt that you literally said doesn't exist, and yet you three still treat her like shit? Well why the Hell would you three say she's not a good flyer after she literally just proved that she is? And for that matter, why would any of you doubt this sonic rainboom from ever happening if she had done it the same day she beaten you three at a race? I mean you don't really expect us to believe that none of you were able to notice it, right?"
The yellow jock then responded, "Well what's it to you, you...you...what the hay are you two anyway?"
The blue jock then shouted, "Hey, I know them! They're those human things that fell out of the sky!"
And the brown jock added, "But wait, I thought there were three of them. So how come there's only two?"
Andrew then answered for them. "That may be due to the fact that our third member can't handle being around a pony with butterfly wings."
Upon mentioning this, all three of them started to laugh their asses off. "You mean to tell me that your other human's afraid of anything butterfly related?!" the brown jock said mockingly. "Does he also wet himself whenever he's around flowers too?!"
The blue jock added, "Yeah, I guess you can say that he's a real pansy!"
"I'd watch my mouth if I were you," Andrew told them. "You should be lucky that Jeffrie decided not to come or else he probably might beat the shit out of y'all."
"Ooh, and we're supposed to take advice from Ms. Ponyville?" the yellow jock retorted.
Andrew was a tad bit shocked at that response. "What did ya say?"
"Ms. Ponyville, it was all over the papers."
The brown jock then said, "Oh yeah, I almost didn't recognize ya without a dress on!"
After they had finished laughing at Andrew's humiliation, Jonathan said, "OK, all of that aside, you three have no reason to be picking on Rainbow Dash like that. Unless you three plan on besting her at this competition, then there's no reason for any of you to be mocking her flying skills."
"Who says that we're going to enter the competition?" the blue jock stated.
"Really?" Jonathan raised an eyebrow. "You three claim Rainbow Dash to not be as good a flyer as any of you and yet you're not even going to prove it?"
"What's there to prove?" asked the brown jock. "This is Rainbow Crash we're talking about."
"You three don't really think about this sort of things, do you?"
"Of course not, thinking's for nerds!" cried the yellow jock.
Jonathan then tried to retort back. "Oh yeah, well...your chins are too big."
Rainbow Dash gave herself a facepalm while the brown jock said, "Really, that's the best insult you can come up with?"
Even Jonathan was embarrassed at himself. "Well...you're just lucky that Jeffrie isn't here, or he'd really tear you a new one."
"Yep," Andrew agreed. "He ain't the insult master for nothing."
"Oh no guys," the brown jock was mocking with his friends. "We better be careful or else the butterfly fearing pansy's going to come after us!"
"Ah, I ain't afraid of him," the yellow jock boasted. "I'm not even afraid of these losers."
"Yeah, and if that pansy does show up, then we'll stomp him into jelly and use his teeth to clean our horseshoes." The blue jock added.
As soon as they were gone, Rainbow Dash took the time to scold Andrew and Jonathan. "What the hay was that? You let some punks insult you and the only thing you could think of was their chins?!"
"Look, we're just not as good at confrontations as Jeffrie," Jonathan admitted. "Besides, you weren't exactly standing up for yourself either. We at least said something back, you just stood there and let them insult you."
Andrew then added, "Also, why would they even be acting this way if this world is supposed to be all about friendship? I mean you ponies have been telling just how important friendship is to you, and yet we've been seeing racism, bullying, child abuse, child labor, pretty much everything that's the opposite of friendship."
And Jonathan finished it for him. "Yeah, for a world that supposedly values friendship, there seems to be a great deal of assholes around here."
Rainbow Dash just groaned as she said, "Don't question our logic, it reminds me of Jeffrie whenever you do that. (And the last thing I need is a headache.)"
As the ponies were walking ahead of them, Andrew said to Jonathan, "Man, Rainbow Dash doesn't seem too thrilled all of a sudden."
"Yeah, I guess this competition must mean a lot to her."
"I don't think she's going to win with that mopey attitude though."
"Yeah, if only Jeffrie was here to straighten things out, then she might have some bit confidence in herself."
And that's when it suddenly hit Andrew. "I know, why not just call Jeffrie to come over here? We do have cellphones after all."
"Yeah, but I don't think he cares so much about Rainbow Dash to bother supporting her."
"No, but he will come to beat the shit out of some punks for bad mouthing him."
"Yep, he definitely would want to do that."
"Great, so you'll call him."
...
Since Jonathan and Andrew weren't around, I figured that the best thing for me to do until then was to sneak into their rooms. I went into Jonathan's room first and started to read bits of his journal. Here's an excerpt:
Dear Journal,
Today I went over to Twilight's place to tell her how I really feel about her. But a big thunderstorm came so I had to stay with Twilight until it ended. I would've been able to confess my feelings to her if Applejack and Rarity weren't around to ruin it. So in the end, I didn't get to tell her how I feel about her, but there's always next time.
-Jonathan.
Here's another excerpt:
Dear Journal,
I once again tried to win Twilight's heart today, only this time I sprayed a lot of cherry scented axe spray all over myself. I went in, but I couldn't even get much of a word out by the time she started complaining about the smell. At least I learned that she doesn't like the smell of axe (or maybe just the smell of cherries).
-Jonathan.
I looked through more pages, but most of them just had hearts that said "Jonathan+Twilight" on them. I then came across a drawing that kinda looked like the one from Titanic, except it was Twilight. Oh my God, Jonathan. I put the journal down and went into Andrew's room. I found his laptop and decided to check if there was anything embarrassing that he doesn't want anyone to know. I was able to log on because apparently, he has his password written on a sticky note right on his wall where anyone could see. When I logged on, a video of Applejack appeared and she said in a sultry tone, "Andrew, you're so good at turnin' me on." And I immediately logged off. OK, that was the most disturbing thing that I've ever had to see.
The minute I was out of there, my phone started to ring. I saw Jonathan's name on the screen, so I answered back. "Hey Jonathan, what's going on?"
"Well we're in Cloudsdale right now, and Rainbow Dash is about to compete in a flying contest."
"OK, did you and Andrew see Rarity by any chance?"
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's not really a bug mutant; Twilight just gave her some wings. Anyway, we ran into these bullies who were picking on Rainbow Dash."
"She's a big girl, she can fight her own battles."
"They also made fun of me and Andrew."
"You two are grown men, a couple of punks shouldn't be too hard for you guys to handle."
"They also mentioned you."
That's when I suddenly started to give a crap about what Jonathan was having to say. "And what did they say exactly?"
"Oh, just that you're a butterfly fearing pansy and that if you ever show up, they'll stomp you into jelly and use your teeth to clean their horseshoes."
My rage meter was reaching its maximum limit at this point. "Jonathan, you'd remember what they look like, would ya?"
"Of course I can."
"Good, because when I get up there, I want you to point them out to me, so that way I can be able to crush every bone in their bodies much quicker!"
As soon as I hanged up the phone, I was making my way towards Cloudsdale. The only problem is I don't where it is. So I went to the one person who could possibly help me. The second I knocked the door, that's when Spike opened it and said, "Hey Jeffrie, how have you been?"
"Good, listen Spike, you're not busy by any chance?"
"Well I just finished cleaning the library, so I'm practically free right now."
"Great, because I need to get to Cloudsdale and I was wondering if you know how to get there?"
"Sure, I've been meaning to support Rainbow Dash in her contest anyway, so I'll take you with me." He then led me to a hot air balloon and then we were making our way to Cloudsdale.
...
Meanwhile, Andrew was sitting with Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie upon some cloud seat as they were waiting for Rainbow Dash to compete. Jonathan then came back to his seat which caused Andrew to ask, "Gees, just how long does it take you just to piss?"
"Well I also talked with Rainbow and Rarity for a while."
"What for?"
"Well it turns out that she'll be competing too."
"Seriously?!"
"Oh yeah, they were even fighting over what music should be playing, so I was able to pick one that they both liked."
Everybody was then silent as Rainbow Dash and Rarity had finally come out. I thought that Rarity with butterfly wings looked hideous before, but it's nothing compared to that ugly costume she was wearing! If I was there to see it right now, even I would be convinced that she's become a bug mutant by now. But anyway, they both started to fly as the "Believe it or Not" song was playing.
Rarity's act was something graceful like out of a ballet, Rainbow Dash's act was mostly kinda like a training exercise at a military camp. She wasn't doing too good at first, but she managed to pick up very quickly. Rarity was just about to finish things off as she posed in front of the sun. But then her wings immediately disintegrated, and she was literally going downhill! Some of the Wonderbolts tried to save her, but like most damsels in distress she, for some reason, can't calm the fuck down to make it easier for her rescuers to save her ass and instead panics to a point where she knocks the Wonderbolts unconscious and put their lives at risk as well.
So it would seem that it was all up to Rainbow Dash now. It didn't look like she was gonna catch them in time; she just kept flying faster and faster while they were all getting closer to the ground! But suddenly a loud blast was heard and then everyone saw a big rainbow trailing across the sky. And there stood Rainbow Dash with Rarity and the Wonderbolts.
When they all got out of their seats to congratulate Rainbow Dash, Andrew was like, "Holy fucking shit, what was that?!"
And Rainbow Dash told him, "That was a sonic rainboom."
And Jonathan was like, "Damn was that awesome!"
"I'll say," and that's when Princess Celestia showed up. "Rainbow Dash, for your incredible act of bravery and your spectacular sonic rainboom, I present to you the grand prize for best young flyer." She then placed a golden crown with wings upon her head.
"Wow, can this get any better?" Rainbow Dash's wish was about to come true as one of the Wonderbolts finally gained consciousness and told her, "So you're the little pony who saved our lives. We really wanted to meet you and say thanks."
"No way!" everyone turned as they saw me and Spike hovering next to the cloud in the hot air balloon.
"Spike," Twilight cried. "I thought I told you to clean the library!"
"Of course I did," Spike said in his defense. "And since I'm done, I decided to take Jeffrie with me to support Rainbow Dash."
Before we stepped off, Twilight shouted, "Hold on!" she then blasted a beam at our feet and when we walked upon the cloud, neither of us had fallen through. Anyway, when Celestia saw me, she said, "Hello Jeffrie, it's nice to see you again."
"Can it Princess," I told her. "I didn't come here for a get-together, I'm here because some pieces of shit decided to piss on my pride and honor, and I've come to send them a delivery."
"A delivery of what?"
"A big giant can of whoopass, now where are they?!"
Andrew and Jonathan were then pointing out to the three jock stereotypes--who were clearly trying to get as far away from here as possible. Seeing as how time's a factor here, I decided to flash forward myself straight to where they're heading. I found myself inside the weather factory and that's where I found my targets.
The blue jock said, "Phew, I'm so glad we got out of there in time."
"Yeah," said the yellow jock. "I didn't think he'd actually come all this way."
"As long as we stay here until he's gone, we won't have to worry about anything." Assured the brown jock.
I then sneaked up behind them and muttered, "I bet he'd be very angry if he ever ran into you three."
"Tell me about it...wait, who said that?" they all turned around and were practically shitting bricks when they saw me.
"Hi there, my friends call me Jeffrie. What do they call you?"
The brown jock stuttered a little as he said, "D-dumb-bell."
"Dumb-bell," I said. "Can't really imagine your destiny involving you being a science professor when your name has the word dumb in it." I then turned to the yellow jock. "And what's up with your hair? Can you even see through any of that? In fact, how many fingers am I holding up?" I then lifted both middle fingers as I waved them in front of his face. "Can you see that? Can you see that?" I then turned to the blue jock. "And what are you supposed to be? Are you the basketball they use for practice?"
The yellow jock then said, "What are you gonna do to us?"
"What am I gonna do to you? I think the bigger question is what are you gonna do to me? Didn't you say that if you saw me that you were gonna stomp me into jelly and use my teeth to clean your horseshoes' with? And weren't you the ones who said that I'm a butterfly fearing pansy? Were those your exact words?"
The brown jock then tried to save their asses. "Look man, we didn't mean anything by it, honest. We were just joking, right guys?"
"Oh yeah, we were."
I then decided to lower their guards. "Well as much as I'd like to beat you all to a bloody pulp, violence is never a tolerable thing where I come from."
"Well that's good." Said the blue jock.
I then looked him deep in the eyes and said, "Yes, but we're not on my planet, are we?"
"N-no."
I then delivered a big uppercut that sent him up to the ceiling! The brown jock tried to fly away, but I grabbed him by the tail while shouting, "COME HERE!" and then I flung him into one of the cloud machines. The yellow jock tried crawling away, but I just dragged him back while shouting, "GET OVER HERE!" and I smashed him upon a table with snowflakes upon it. As I piled both of them, I grabbed the blue jock's tail and sent him crashing down upon them. I then stomped on them for a while, smashed their teeth upon solid metal, and then I shoved their heads into a pool of rainbow and watched as their faces burned a little. I then told them, "Now you listen to me, if I ever find out that you three have been talking shit about me behind my back again, then you're gonna taste the rainbow! You got that you chicken blowing little cock munchers?!"
"We won't do it again, we swear!"
After that, I flash forward myself and the three jock stereotypes back to the others so they could all gaze upon my work. Rainbow Dash was like, "Gees Jeffrie, you could've gone easy on them."
"No," I told her. "When somebody dares to insult me, easy doesn't cut it. And what are you defending them for anyway? They're your bullies, remember?"
Fluttershy then mentioned, "They also bullied me too."
"What?!" I cried as I turned back to the three jocks. "Oh, so you like picking on nice, shy girls, huh?! Well I'll show you three!" without wasting anymore time, I shoved all three of their heads up each other's asses and everyone just gazed upon this pony ring that I just created.
Jonathan was like, "I'm not so sure whether I should be laughing or mentally disturbed by this."
I then said to Rainbow Dash, "And that's how you take care of punks; if you do it more often then I wouldn't have to do it for you."
"What? I don't like resorting to violence."
"Really, you don't like resorting to violence?" I doubted. "Is that why you kicked a dragon in the snout without thinking? And does 'not resorting to violence' also includes you purposely trying to hurt Applejack during the Running of the Leaves and tossing Spike so far that he could've break every bone his body? Oh, and how about the fact that you and your friends were crashing into Zecora's hut during that poison joke business? It didn't seem too peaceful to me."
"OK, OK, so I'm maybe a little violent at times, but those three just weren't worth it. Look on the bright side, I won the competition and I got to meet the Wonderbolts!"
That's when the Wonderbolt captain walked up to me and said, "You must be the human Celestia told me so much about. I'm Spitfire. You know, I thought you might be a bit taller."
"Well what do you expect?"
"Well Celestia didn't go into too much detail, but I was expecting you to be fascinating at best."
"And what about my friends?"
She had a look at them and said, "Meh, they're OK."
While Andrew and Jonathan were looking offended by that comment, I just said, "Well I'm sure that everything was exciting today, but at least I didn't have to worry about seeing another..." that's when I finally saw Rarity in her ugly costume. "BUG MUTANT!" and as I jumped off of the cloud, Rainbow Dash let out a sigh as she said, "Excuse me, this'll only take five seconds." And then she flew off to save me yet again.
For weeks I've been having nightmares of the image of Rarity in that hideous bug costume. Luckily for me, Zecora just happens to have a potion that can help remove the image out of my head. So I of course went over to her hut, took a sip, and now I don't have to be tormented by that God awful image anymore.
As I was walking back home, the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran past me and said one by one, "Hi Jeffrie!"
"Hey girls," I said--despite the fact they were far away by now. I then saw Fluttershy walking by, so I greeted her. "Hey Fluttershy."
She looked down at the ground and said, "Oh, hi Jeffrie."
"So... what are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just taking the girls over to my place for a slumber party."
"The girls? You're talking about Apple Bloom and her friends, right?"
"Uh-huh."
"And you're going to be looking after them?"
"Well Rarity's too busy to look after them, so I offered to do it for her."
Something told me that she was going to need my help. I mean, I didn't really have anything better to do, so I figured what the Hell? "I think I might come over and give you a hand."
That last sentence made her lift her head back up, "Thanks Jeffrie, but that won't be necessary."
"Trust me Fluttershy, you're going to need my help. This slumber party starts tonight, right?"
"Mm-hmm, tonight at my place."
"In that case I better let the guys know that I'm going to be spending the night with you and the girls."
As I was walking back to the house, Fluttershy was containing a joyful squee as she said to herself, "If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me." But she got out of that as soon as she remembered that the Cutie Mark Crusaders needed to be watched.
...
Later that night, I came down the stairs and saw Andrew and Jonathan playing checkers. I then reminded them, "OK guys, I'll be over at Fluttershy's place for the night, so don't wait up."
"And what do you plan on doing there?" asked Jonathan.
"Fluttershy's looking after the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and I figured she could use an extra hand. You sure you don't wanna come along?"
"Nah, we're good."
Andrew then added, "Yeah, we'll just stay here so that way you can get some alone time with your girlfriend." He and Jonathan started to laugh.
"She's not my girlfriend, guys."
"Sure she's not," Andrew said sarcastically.
I then decided to shut him up. "Yeah, and I'm sure that I'm not going to tell Big Mac that you're planning on raping his sister in her sleep."
His laughter immediately stopped. "You wouldn't."
"I just might."
After letting out an evil laugh, I then walked out the door. But I didn't leave (on no, not just yet). I placed my ear next to the door and I heard Andrew say, "You think he really meant it?"
I poked my head through the door and shouted, "Oh yes I did!"
After watching them jump from fright, I closed the door and heard Jonathan say, "God, I hate it when he does that."
I poked my head in again and shouted, "I bet you do!"
After jumping again, Jonathan cried, "Will you get out of here already!" and I left them while having the last laugh.
It took a lot of walking, but I still managed to arrive at Fluttershy's cottage. I knocked on the door just once and Fluttershy was right there to open it. "Oh good, you've made it on time." She said in relief.
"Yeah, I had to mess around with the guys for a while." I walked inside and that's when I saw the girls running all over the place.
Fluttershy then tried getting their attention, "Girls?"
The girls stopped running and as soon as they saw me, they all cried out, "JEFFRIE'S HERE!" they all pounced on me the same way Dino does to Fred Flintstone. As I was being pinned to the ground, Apple Bloom jumped up and down on my chest, while Scootaloo ran around me in a circle, and while Sweetie Belle jumped up and down upon my head as they all screamed, "Yay, Jeffrie's here! Jeffrie's here! Jeffrie's here! Jeffrie's here!"
Apple Bloom stopped jumping and said, "Well it's about time ya showed up!"
Scootaloo stopped running and said, "Yeah, Fluttershy said you were coming, but we were starting to think that you wouldn't make it."
Sweetie also stopped jumping and said, "And now that you're here, you can help us find our Cutie Marks."
Scootaloo was like, "Yeah, because we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
And Apple Bloom was like, "And we want ta crusade fer our Cutie Marks!"
And Sweetie Belle was like, "And, and, and, we, um...yeah! What they said!"
Fluttershy finally walked up to them and said, "OK girls, time to get off of Jeffrie and come back inside." The three of them then went back inside her cottage. "Sorry about that; they were just very excited when I told them that you were coming."
As I got up, I told her, "What can I say, kids love me."
When we were finally inside, the girls were discussing about their crusading. Apple Bloom said, "I wonder what we can do first?"
They thought for a while until Scootaloo suggested, "I know, we could go adventuring in the Everfree Forest!"
They all agreed and were just about to leave the cottage, that is until Fluttershy got in their way. "Oh no! The Everfree Forest is much too dangerous. It's filled with far too many strange creatures."
Sweetie Belle then said, "But you could go with us, and we could catch those creatures. We could be, um...creature catchers!" and they all cried, "YAY! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CREATURE CATCHERS!"
Scootaloo got on top of Apple Bloom and then they covered themselves with a rug and a basket. They then pretended to be a creature from the Everfree Forest, while Sweetie Belle pretended to be a creature catcher. These girls were just over excited and pretty much ran all over the place; they were so excited that they didn't look where they were going and ended up breaking one of Fluttershy's tables.
Sweetie was the first to say, "Sorry, Fluttershy."
Then Scootaloo followed, "Yeah, sorry."
And Apple Bloom finished it. "I guess we aren't creature catchers."
I then told them, "No, but you could be Cutie Mark Crusader Demolition Experts--if that's what you were planning."
Apple Bloom had this to say, "Nah, who wants ta have a wreckin' ball fer a Cutie Mark?"
"Not us," Sweetie and Scootaloo agreed.
They all thought for a while until Apple Bloom shouted, "I know! We could be Cutie Mark Crusader Carpenters!" they all got on stethoscopes, and they pretended that they were about to perform surgery. "Hammer!"
"Hammer." Scootaloo said as she gave Apple Bloom a hammer.
"Hammer!" Sweetie requested.
"Hammer." Scootaloo gave her one as well. "Hammer!" she was silent for a while until repeating, "Hammer."
After each of them had gotten hammers, the three of them commenced to rebuilding the table. Unfortunately though, their building skills weren't that top-notch. When they were finished, Sweetie was like, "Um...that doesn't look like a table."
"We were making a table?" Scootaloo exclaimed.
"Somepony needs ta put this thing out of its misery." Apple Bloom commented.
"We are definitely not Cutie Mark Carpenters." Scootaloo declared.
"Who wants a picture of a hammer on their flank anyway?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Scootaloo then walked up to me and said, "Well aren't you going to suggest something?"
"Suggest what?"
"Anything we can do to get our Cutie Marks."
"I don't know, maybe you can all be Cutie Mark Crusader Stockbrokers."
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were both interested in this suggestion. The two of them walked up to me as Apple Bloom asked, "What's a stockbroker?"
I then gave them my description. "It's a guy who runs around a big room, shouting 'Buy this! Buy this! Buy this!'."
"Yeah, we can totally do that!" Sweetie cried as they all started to run around the cottage and shout, "Buy this! Buy this! Buy this!"
Fluttershy then tried to quiet them down. "Um, girls, I think you're being a little too loud. Maybe you could just tone it down a little?"
But she was speaking so softly that none of them could hear her. I then instructed her, "No Fluttershy, if you want to get their attention then you have to raise your voice. Like this," I then stomped my foot on the floor and cried, "HEY, KNOCK IT OFF!" they stopped what they were just doing and silently sat upon the couch. "OK, it looks like you girls are a little hyped up; so we're gonna have to give you an activity to get the excitement out of you three. Fluttershy."
After giving her permission, she then suggested, "OK, um...how about we play a game?"
"A game?" Apple Bloom asked out of curiosity.
"Mm-hmm, it's called: shh."
"What's that?" asked Scootaloo.
"Well, it's a game about who can be quiet the longest."
"Don't you mean the quiet game?" I pointed out.
"The what?"
"You know, the game that involves you being quiet for a long time?"
After an awkward silence, Fluttershy turned back to the girls. "Anyway, I bet you can't beat me." She then took a deep breath and held it.
Two seconds later, Scootaloo shouted, "I lose!"
"Me too!" added Sweetie Belle.
"Me three!" added Apple Bloom. They all went up a chimney as Apple Bloom said, "We can be Cutie Mark Crusader Coal Miners!"
"YEAH!"
Before I could raise my voice again, Fluttershy--to my surprise--shouted, "NO!"
After that, Fluttershy immediately sent them off to bed. The only problem is that none of them were tired; so Fluttershy decided to sing a lullaby for them. Just as they were about to doze off, Sweetie suddenly felt like singing along. But while Fluttershy sung it in a more calm, relaxing tone, Sweetie was singing as if she were in a southern gospel choir. She was singing so loud that it caused some chickens to wake up. The girls then went outside to try to herd the chickens back in their coop; Fluttershy however was able to herd them back by simply staring at them. After that was all dealt with, Fluttershy got the girls back in bed and it was now just me and her, downstairs.
As we were sitting on the couch together, I asked her, "Hey Fluttershy, how did you make those chickens calm down like that?"
"Oh, that was just the Stare."
"What's the Stare?"
"It's how I can control animals. Like this," she then stared at me, but nothing happened.
"Um...is something supposed to happen to me? Because I'm feeling no effects right now."
"That's funny, it works on animals all the time."
"Well that makes sense, especially seeing as how I'm not an animal."
Fluttershy then let out a yawn as she nuzzled next to my lap. "Thanks for coming Jeffrie, I probably wouldn't have been able to calm the girls down without your help."
"What're friends for?" after that, she then closed her eyes and was sleeping in a sort of position that made it look as if she were trying to pleasure me. Boy I'm so glad the guys aren't here to see this. While I was playing Candy Crush on my phone, I could hear the Cutie Mark Crusaders sneaking down the stairs. They're definitely not Cutie Mark Crusader Sneakers, that's for sure. When they got close to the door, I said, "And just where do you think you're going?"
They stood there for a while until Apple Bloom said, "We're headin' ta the Everfree Forest."
"Didn't Fluttershy already tell you not to go there?"
"We know," said Scootaloo, "but it's for a good cause."
"And what good cause would that be?"
Sweetie then gave me her reasons. "One of Fluttershy's chickens got loose and went into the Everfree Forest, so we're going to find it."
"In that case, I better come along with you."
"Ya don't need ta do that, Jeffrie." Apple Bloom insisted.
"Oh yes I do, missy. Because there's no way that I'm letting you three wander around some dark forest without my supervision. But before we go, I better leave a note for Fluttershy."
I leaned over to a table that just happened to have a pen and some paper, and I've written down:
Dear Fluttershy,
Me and the girls went into the Everfree Forest in search of one of your chickens; we'll be back soon.
-Jeffrie.
After setting the note somewhere more noticeable, I gently lifted Fluttershy's head off of my lap. But just as I was setting her head upon a pillow, she started to say in her sleep, "Mmm, Jeffrie, don't stop." And it was only starting to get weirder. "Oh yes Jeffrie, lower, lower, lower..."
"OK, let's go looking for that chicken." I quickly pushed the girls outside before Fluttershy could say anything weirder in front of them.
As we were trekking through this dark forest, Apple Bloom was calling for the chicken. Scootaloo seemed to be a bit confused by this method. "What are you doing?"
"Callin' fer the chicken!"
"That's not how you call a chicken."
"Oh, and you know how ta call a chicken?"
"I know that's not the way."
"Then show me."
"I don't have to show you!"
"You're just chicken!"
"Am not!"
"Oh wait, now I know how ta call a chicken! Scootaloo! Scoot-scootaloo!"
"That's so funny I forgot to laugh."
"You also fergot how ta call a chicken!"
"Why, you..."
Yeah, seeing little kids throw hissy fits might be cute and all, but even that has a limit. So I stopped them. "Knock it off you two, do you wanna find the chicken or spend all night arguing?"
Apple Bloom then exclaimed, "Hey, maybe that's our special talent. Arguin'!"
"Is not!" Scootaloo disagreed.
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
They kept on doing that for about ten minutes until Sweetie Belle said, "Girls! Our special talent is not arguing. Besides, what would the Cutie Mark of somepony whose talent is arguing even look like?"
Well one could be a red elephant and the other can be a blue jackass. As much as I would've like to say that joke out loud, I knew that the girls probably wouldn't get it. (But I should definitely save it for later.) My concentration however was interrupted the minute we heard Fluttershy calling; and soon enough, she eventually caught up with us.
"Hey Fluttershy," I said. "I trust that you saw my message?"
"There's no time for details," Fluttershy said in a panic. "We have to leave the forest at once!"
"But...we haven't found the chicken yet!" Sweetie objected.
"There's no time for that," Fluttershy insisted. "There's a cockatrice on the loose!"
Why does that sound familiar? As I was trying to remember, Apple Bloom said, "A cocka what now?"
Fluttershy gave her a quick explanation. "A cockatrice! It's a frightening creature with the head of a chicken and the body of a snake. Now, come on!"
The girls didn't seem to be too frightened upon receiving this information. In fact, Scootaloo even said, "The head of a chicken and the body of a snake? That doesn't sound scary, that sounds silly!"
Apple Bloom even boasted. "Why, if I ever saw one of them cockathingies face-ta-face, I'd laugh at how silly it was."
"No," Fluttershy cried. "Never look one in the eye!"
Just as she was about to go into more detail, that's when the chicken had come out of a nearby bush. Upon seeing it, the Cutie Mark Crusaders immediately ran after it. But as they were getting close to it, there appeared another chicken. But as soon as it revealed the rest of its body, we knew then that it wasn't a chicken at all. The second the beast had stared at the real chicken and turned it to stone, that's when I suddenly remembered. The cockatrice was mentioned by Gilda during our yo mama battle (I guess that's what she meant when she said my mom's ugliness could turn one into stone).
Anyway, as the cockatrice was getting ready to attack us, I whispered to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, "Girls, you've ever tried getting a Cutie Mark for fleeing in terror?"
"No."
"Time to earn it!"
After grabbing Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, while Fluttershy carried Scootaloo, we all tried to get as far away as possible. We just kept running, and running, until something made me trip. While I was busy letting painful sighs the same way Peter Griffin did in Family Guy, the girls were screaming until I heard Fluttershy shout, "GIRLS! Behind me, NOW!"
When I finally got the pain out of my system, I looked at what tripped me and saw what appeared to be a stone statue of Twilight Sparkle. But I saw something even more strange than that; I saw Fluttershy having a staring contest with the cockatrice! I noticed that half of her body was starting to turn to stone, but she just kept staring that beast down until it finally gave up.
After witnessing her victory over the cockatrice, I just had to congratulate her. "Damn, Fluttershy, I knew you could handle chickens, but I didn't think you would just stare at that monster like that!"
She blushed a little as she said, "Oh, it was nothing."
"Nothing?!" I exclaimed. "Fluttershy, you almost got turned into stone and yet you still managed to make that cockatrice run back with its tail between its legs. This is even more badass than the time you stood up to that dragon."
After giving her my praise, the Cutie Mark Crusaders took the time to apologize. Sweetie started it, "We're sorry we snuck out of the house and into the forest."
Apple Bloom then did her part. "Yeah. We'll listen ta you from now on."
"We promise," Scootaloo assured her.
"Oh, you do, do you?" Fluttershy responded. "Well, you better, or I'll give you...the Stare!"
After a brief silence, we all joined in laughter until Twilight started to regain her normal form. "What...what happened?"
For the past few weeks, I've been seeing more and more of the Cutie Mark Crusaders as of lately. Nearly everywhere I go, I would see the three of them doing activities which range from giving haircuts to making candy. One day, Andrew was heading over to Sweet Apple Acres to--once again--try to confess his feelings for Applejack (and I decided to tag along just so I can see him fail again).
As we were walking towards the entrance, Andrew seemed very confident in himself. "This is it, Jeffrie, this'll be the day I finally tell her."
"You really sure about?"
"Of course man, Big Mac's too busy setting up a stage over at the school for some event, which means Applejack will be working by herself, and it'll give me the perfect opportunity to be with her."
By the time we were finally nearing the orchard, we saw Applejack just finishing bucking an apple tree as she turned and greeted us. "Howdy fellas, what brings y'all around?"
Andrew then said, "Well, I'm not really doing anything at the moment, so I was wondering if I could maybe help you around?"
"Why thank ya Andrew, that's mighty kind of ya."
While Andrew was giving himself a victory pat on the back, he turned to me with a prideful grin and said, "OK Jeffrie, why don't you go play with Apple Bloom while I help Applejack?"
"And miss seeing you bomb big time?"
"Jeffrie, I'm very confident that I'll tell her. However, I can't do it with you pressuring me to failure."
"Fine." I then asked Applejack, "Is Apple Bloom around?"
"Oh, she and her friends are probably playin' near their new clubhouse."
"OK, and where might that be?"
"Just keep headin' deep inta the orchard," Applejack instructed. "You'll know it when ya see it."
Without wasting anymore time, I walked deeper and deeper into the orchard until I finally came across a simple looking treehouse that had steps leading up to the top. But I was quickly drawn to whatever the Hell the Cutie Mark Crusaders were just doing; Scootaloo was playing a piano, Apple Bloom was giving herself dance lessons, and Sweetie Belle was making costumes and painting cardboard background designs at the same time.
Upon noticing me, Sweetie was the first to say, "Hi Jeffrie! What do you think of the costumes I've made?" she showed me a couple of costumes that looked as if one had too many sleeves or were either too long or too short.
"They look fantastic," I spared her feelings.
"And what about the background sets? I've painted them myself." She then showed off the cardboards that pretty much looked like a bunch of blobs of spattered paint.
"It feels like I'm in a different town."
Scootaloo then came next. "Hey Jeffrie, check out this rocking song I've just written." Well the song she was playing did sound "rocking", what with her pounding random keys on the piano and shouting out incoherent lyrics. "It's only a work in progress, but what do ya think?"
"Well, it definitely sounded catchy."
And then there was only Apple Bloom. "But ya know what would make this song even cooler? These awesome moves!" she then decided to perform some dance moves--which looked more like choreographed kung-fu--until she eventually tripped on her own hooves. "So, was that some awesome dancin' or what?"
"Oh yeah, you were really busting some moves there." I then decided to get straight to the point. "Any reason why you're all doing this?"
"Didn't you hear?" said Scootaloo. "There's going to be a talent show tonight!"
"And we're gonna enter it," added Sweetie Belle.
"Really, and what will you three be performing?" I asked.
Scootaloo then said, "We're gonna perform an awesome rock ballad!"
"And who knows?" said Sweetie. "We might also finally get our Cutie Marks."
"Well I for one can't wait to see you three steal the show tonight," I said in hopes of raising their spirits.
"You are gonna come see us, right?" Apple Bloom.
Knowing that these three look up to me a lot, I figured that it was only best that I'd be there for when they perform. "Of course I will, I wouldn't miss it for anything. In fact, I'm gonna go tell the guys about this right now." With that said, I walked out of there while also dragging Andrew away from his failed attempt.
...
When it was finally nighttime, me and the guys had just arrived just as everybody was taking their seats. "Why are we doing this?" Jonathan complained.
I then told him, "Because the girls have been working very hard on this, and they would appreciate us being there to support them."
"I can't believe you dragged me away from Applejack for this," Andrew mumbled his complaint.
"Oh shut it, Andrew," I told him. "You weren't even close to telling her, anyway."
"I was too."
"Really, did one of the things you told her was 'I love you'?"
"No."
"Then you pretty much weren't that close."
By the time we were finally looking for a spot to sit on, we came to the front of the stage and found a chair with a piece of paper that reads: RESERVED FOR JEFFRIE. I couldn't help but find this little gesture to be adorable. "Aww, they even saved a seat for me."
Jonathan was just like, "Well where's our reserved seats?!"
I just told them, "Hello, you're my plus two's, which means you can take these empty seats next to me."
After getting that settled with, we saw Cheerilee walk up the stage and announced, "Hello everypony, and welcome to tonight's talent show. Our first contestants will be Snips and Snails, performing a magic act!" we then watched as Snips and Snails pretty screwed up their own disappearing act. Why do I get the feeling they were getting magic lessons from Trixie? After that was over, Cheerilee announced the next event. "Now for our next act, we have Sunny Daze and Peachy Pie reciting their favorite poem...on roller skates!" we then watched two foals--that we've never met--ride on roller blades while also reciting poetry. We figured we might as well clap for them since that looked like it took them a lot of practice. Cheerilee then said, "And now put your hooves together for an interpretive dance performed by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!" for nearly an hour, we were having to watch the two shits do this weird dance routine that was practically putting everyone to sleep.
"God, this is taking forever." Andrew groaned.
"Jesus Christ, just end already!" Jonathan growled in a whisper.
An idea then popped into my head as I decided to take matters into my own hands. After pulling out my cellphone, I opened up a soundtrack app, and making sure that the volume was super loud, I played a recording of Adam Sandler shouting, "T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!"
This disturbance ended up causing the two brats to lose balance and fall flat on their faces. While me and the guys were trying our best to keep our laughter from coming out of our mouths, Cheerilee made her last announcement. "And now for our last performance, we have the Cutie Mark Crusaders singing a song!"
Everything went dark for a while, and then the lights went back on to reveal the Cutie Mark Crusaders dressed up like Kiss wannabes. As they were singing and dancing, I noticed that Sweetie had to go in between performing and setting up the stage effects at the same time. They were all doing fine until the whole stage practically came down upon them. The whole crowd was starting to laugh at them (because it's not as if a society of peaceful ponies who live by the values of friendship are supposed to go easy on kids during talent shows). Seeing that the three of them looked as if they were about to cry out of humiliation, I quickly cheered and clapped loud enough for them to hear. "Woo, yeah! Rock on!"
The guys started to cheer with me as well, as Jonathan shouted, "Bravo, magnifico!"
And Andrew just shouted the first thing that popped in his head. "AC/DC and Aerosmith are toned deaf pussies compared to you three!"
Eventually the whole crowd started to join in as well, and I was able to see smiles upon the girls' faces.
Cheerilee then started to announce the awards, "Our first award goes to...Snips and Snails for best magic act. The next award goes to...Sunny Daze and Peachy Pie for best dramatic performance. And finally, the last award goes to...the Cutie Mark Crusaders for best comedy act!"
After receiving their medals, me and the guys followed, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash to talk with the girls backstage. "Apple Bloom, you and yer friends pulled off quite a performance." Applejack praised them.
Rainbow Dash then added, "Yeah, those costumes and dance moves were so awesome!"
And Rarity said, "Indeed girls, we are all proud of you three."
"Thanks y'all," said Apple Bloom before turning to me. "And thanks fer comin' Jeffrie."
"Yeah, we wouldn't be so thrilled if you hadn't cheered for us." Said Scootaloo.
I then went down to knee level and said, "Hey, I said I wouldn't have missed it for anything, and I'm very glad to have seen you three perform out there." Next thing you know, the three of them each wrapped their hooves around my neck while everyone just watched--and I coulda sworn that I heard Rarity go, "Aww."
After hugging them back, Sweetie then said, "Ooh, let's see if we got our Cutie Marks!" after taking off their costumes, they were disappointed to find their flanks still blank.
I then told them, "Don't worry girls, you'll get them one day."
Rarity then said, "Come along Sweetie, it's time for bed."
When Rarity and Rainbow Dash each took Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo home, Applejack said to Andrew, "That was very sweet the way you were cheerin' fer my little sister back there."
Andrew blushed a little as he said, "Well I couldn't let the poor thing feel discouraged, can I?"
"Well I really appreciate it all the same."
As she and Apple Bloom were about to go home, Andrew blurted, "Applejack...will you...will you like me to...help you whenever Big Mac can't?"
While me and Jonathan were facepalming ourselves, Applejack said, "Of course you can, I always like havin' you help me around."
By the time they were finally gone, me and Jonathan walked up to Andrew and shouted, "FAIL!"
The next day, the guys and I were just taking a stroll around Ponyville until we stumbled across the ponies--who were just standing around, doing nothing. Andrew was the first to say, "Hey there, what're y'all doing?"
"Oh just waitin' fer Rarity ta come back," Applejack told him.
That was when we finally noticed that she wasn't even amongst them. Jonathan then asked, "So where is she?"
Twilight then told him, "She and Spike went looking for gems for her dresses."
And Rainbow Dash added, "And knowing Rarity, she's probably going to spend all day looking for every gem she can find."
We then heard a loud scream across the distance as Spike was running towards us and shouted, "Rarity...woods...jewels...dogs...hole...taken...save her!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I calmed him down. "Take it easy there, Spike. Now just tell us again what happened to Rarity."
"Rarity's been...!" the frantic little drake was still too panicked to tell us the rest.
"What about Rarity?" Twilight inquired.
"Rarity's been...!" once again, the poor kid did nothing but let out more breaths of anxiety.
"Well spill it out, Spike," Rainbow shouted, "what happened to Rarity?!"
Unless anyone of us had a paper bag on standby, Spike could do nothing but speak through violent exhales. But that didn't seem to stop him from still trying to get across his point to us; we all watched as Spike raised one of his claws, tapped his arm with two claws, raised one of them again, and placed all of them near his ear.
"Oh boy, I love charades!" Pinkie bounced with joy. "Let's see, first word, two syllables, first syllable, sounds like?"
Spike started to point at himself, while we all tried to guess what he's trying to say.
"Chest?" guessed Andrew.
"Spike?" Twilight speculated.
"Scales?" Fluttershy suggested.
"Dragon?" Jonathan presumed.
"Dragon kid?" my guess seemed to have peaked Spike's attention. Knowing that dragon didn't get a response, I manage to deduce that the first syllable is "Kid!"
Moving onto the second syllable, Spike laid his head on both his claws as he acted as if he were sleeping.
"Sleeping?" my Aspie side chose the literal choice.
"Snoozing?" Jonathan guessed.
"Nap?" Applejack speculated, which in turn resulted in Spike waking from his fake slumber.
OK, so we manage to decipher that he's saying that "Rarity's been kidnapped." But by whom or what, Spike tried to tell us. He raised two claws and tapped his arm with one claw to let us know that the second word only has one syllable. After that he commenced to waving at us.
"Wave?" Rainbow Dash presumed.
"Well it certainly looks like he's waving goodbye," Andrew pointed out.
Once again, Spike made it clear that we've guessed right. Now realizing that he's saying, "Rarity's been kidnapped by..." Pinkie tried to fill in the last blank all by herself. "OK, don't tell me, Rarity's been kidnapped by dragons! By griffins? By zebras? By manticores? By minotaurs? By timberwolves? By yaks? By buffalo? By thieves? By kidnappers? By rebels? By donkeys? By bat ponies? By mutant marshmallows? By aliens?"
After making each wrong answer, Spike made it easy for her by dropping on all fours, panting with his tongue out, and letting out exhausted barks.
"Aww, he's pretending to be a dog," Fluttershy cooed at Spike's act.
Giving us a thumbs up, we all came to the conclusion and shouted together, "Rarity's been kidnapped by dogs!"
After saying that out loud, Jonathan was the first to realize how strange that sounded. "Rarity's been kidnapped by dogs? Eh, I guessed I've heard much weirder stuff since being here."
Not bearing to see Spike continue to run out of breath any longer, Twilight now decides to give her assistant a paper bag to breath into. "Now Spike, is that what you've really been trying to tell us?" she double checked.
"Yes, exactly!" Spike shouted in agreement. "We were out looking for some gems, and this group called the Diamond Dogs come out of nowhere and took Rarity underground!"
"Well what're we waiting for?" said Rainbow Dash. "Let's go save her!"
And as Spike was leading us to where she was taken, Jonathan was saying, "Finally. I haven't seen any good action happen around here since the time we went to see that dragon."
Spike did a very good job of leading us straight to where the kidnapping had transpired, but he didn't mention anything about there being more than one hole! As we were all gazing upon this sight, Pinkie was like, "Holy moly, that's alotta holeys."
"Come on girls--and guys!" Twilight ordered. "Let's get started."
"You don't have to tell me twice!" not wanting to waste any more time, I quickly dashed forward ahead of them. The guys--of course--were protesting me to stop, but I ignored them as I shouted "CANNON-BALL!" and dived into one of the nearby holes.
As everyone was silent for a while, Andrew was like, "Well, there goes Jeffrie."
Rainbow Dash then whispered to Twilight, "And you say that I'm reckless."
Twilight just rolled her eyes as she said, "Let's just hope that he didn't cause too much damage." Seeing as how rescuing Rarity would be a top priority to these ponies, you'd think that they would've done what I just did and dive right into one of the holes before these Diamond Dogs find out that they're coming. But seeing as how these ponies have absolutely no logic whatsoever, they instead allow Twilight to poke her face into one of the holes while saying, "Hello?" and thus the Diamond Dogs were alerted to their location.
The minute the Diamond Dogs had saw their faces, they immediately blocked up every hole with dirt. And since the ponies, Spike, and the guys were standing in front of them, most of them ended up getting so much dirt in their face that they all looked like one of those blackfaced minstrel show performers. (Luckily they all wiped it off before anyone could come over and shout "That's racist!".) Of course this isn't too much of a problem--especially seeing as how they can just dig it. But even the Diamond Dogs wouldn't let digging up the holes be an easy task. Every time just one of them tries to dig, those fucking dogs immediately trip them, push them, and pretty much make sure that they're being prevented from ever getting into their lair.
When the Diamond Dogs were finally finished in thwarting their attempts, Jonathan was the first to call it quits. "Great, just fucking great! We get dragged out to the middle of fucking nowhere just to find a bunch of random holes, Jeffrie dives in without us and is probably captured, and now these fucking dogs fill up every single hole we can come by! Of course we can always just dig them up, except these God damn dogs keep getting in our way! I'm done, I'm finished! Game over man, game over!"
"So you're just giving up?" Rainbow Dash said to him.
"No, I'm going to recharge my Green Lantern ring and come back," he told her sarcastically. "Of course I'm giving up! Having to save Rarity's ass is not worth having to go through all of this stress, and Jeffrie can no doubt survive without our help! If you all want to waste your time getting dirt shoved in your faces by dogs then go ahead, but count me out!"
Just as he was about to leave, that was when Andrew decided to say, "Jesus Christ Jonathan, can't you ever go through one ordeal without calling it quits at the first sight of an obstacle?"
Jonathan immediately turned around, walked up to Andrew until he was close to his face and told him, "Look around you Andrew, every possible entrance has been blocked and whoever kidnapped Rarity isn't going to let us dig any of them up. Unless there's one hole that they forgot to block, then there's really no hope of us getting in."
"Look!" everyone jumped when Spike had shouted out like that. But by the time they followed him to where he was running to, they understood why.
Andrew was like, "Huh, what do you know Jonathan, you just might be psychic."
Jonathan still had his doubts. "Yeah, well I like to see how we're planning on going down there without those dogs realizing."
"I got it!" Spike shouted once again as he took out a blue gem and tied it to a fishing pole.
Twilight said to him, "Spike, how long have you been carrying that gemstone?"
"Rarity gave it to me as a way of thanking me for helping her find her gems," he told her. "I was planning on cherishing it for the rest of my life, but seeing Rarity safe is more important to me than some gem."
By the time he finally lowered the bait down into the hole, he just sort of dozed off into some fantasy state for a while. After about a minute of him standing still in silence, Applejack gave him a little nudge and said, "Spike, you OK sugarcube?" reacting to her touch, Spike suddenly puckered his lips and almost kissed Applejack. Luckily she was able to snap him out in time. "Hoho there, lover boy."
Jonathan snickered as he noticed that Andrew was looking at Spike with a jealous glare as he whispered, "Check it out Andrew, even Spike has bigger balls to make a move on Applejack than you do."
Andrew just let out a mocking laugh as he whispered back, "Yeah Jonathan, how about you start making a move on Twilight and then tell me what it's like to have balls."
Before he could retort, Spike was suddenly being pulled towards the hole! After everyone quickly grabbed onto each other, they all found themselves sliding down the hole and into the lair. While Spike was able to break his fall with all the ponies pilled together, Andrew was able to cushion his fall with Jonathan's face.
"Get your ass off of my face!" Jonathan mumbled in displeasure.
After lifting himself, Andrew told him, "Thanks for breaking my fall, man."
Jonathan just let out a big gasp of air as he said, "Don't mention it." And that was when he noticed the many paths that were in front of him. "OK, so we've managed to get into this pit, now what do we do now?"
"These dogs took Rarity because she can spot gems faster," Spike explained. "So we just go to where they keep the most gems."
Twilight then added, "But Spike, Rarity is the only one who knows how to find gems."
"No, Twilight. You can!" Spike corrected her. "You can copy Rarity's gem-finding spell."
"Oh my gosh! You're right! Rarity showed me how she did it a while back." After making her horn glow, gems started to appear right in front of them.
Without wasting more time, Spike got on her back and cried, "Come on! We're coming Rarity."
And while they were following the trail, Jonathan said, "And let's pray that Jeffrie isn't in too much trouble."
Speaking of which, while the rest were trying to get underground, I was sliding down row after row of tunnels until I came to a painful stop. After letting out a Peter Griffin injured knee sigh, I was just about to get back on my feet until I happen to spot something shiny within some dirt. After brushing some of the dirt off, I picked up whatever was hidden and saw that it was a golden ring. The second I placed it on my finger however, some weird shit started to happen. For example, everything just turned black and white and the only thing that has any bit of color was the ring. But since Rarity is in need of some help, I put this matter to the side and just moved on forward.
While I was walking along, I saw two dogs approaching! They were big brown dogs that had on this battle armor that made them look like Robocop. But the weird thing about it is that even though they were looking right at me, and the fact that I was prepared to fight them, none of them seem to notice that I was there. Yeah, I was literally standing in front of them, and they just walk past me. But I was at least able to overhear one of them mention about where they're keeping Rarity, so I didn't bother thinking too much about any of this either.
...
After fifteen minutes of walking and singing "Heigh-Ho" to myself, I finally discovered the mother of all diamond mines. Wherever I look, I saw row after row of dogs mining gems of every color and pulling them in carts--and not one of them even noticed me walking around. My sightseeing came to an end the second I started to hear girly screams. I followed said screams until I found Rarity being cornered by--whom I assume to be--the ring leaders of the Diamond Dogs.
One was gray and had on a red jacket, the other two was big and blue, and short and light brownish (and both were wearing the same black jacket). When they speak, they all sounded like Gollum (in fact, one of them had even said "precious").
Anyway, at this point Rarity was saying, "Whatever do you want from me?"
The gray dog told her, "Gems!"
The short dog added, "Yes! The gems; the jewels."
And the blue dog finished it with, "Find them; find them all!"
"Oh! Is that all?"
You know, for a second there, I was thinking they were going to make her their sex slave. Kinda like what Jabba did to Princess Leia. In fact, couldn't you just imagine Rarity wearing that outfit? I bet Spike would give up his life savings just to see that.
Anyway, Rarity had wasted no time in finding some diamonds with her unicorn magic. Thinking that this was all she had to do, she marked the spot with an X and was more than eager to leave this underground labyrinth. That is until the gray dog said, "Good! Now, dig them up, pony."
"Oh God, they're not really gonna try to make her do that!" I blurted out in contained laughter.
And then they all did the one thing that I didn't expect any of them to do. "What was that? Did you hear something?" so none of them can see me, and yet they can still hear me. I'm...honestly surprised that they wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I'm standing right in their faces, and yet they would choose to notice that I'm speaking.
But let's just focus on the story. The Diamond Dogs quickly forgot my little outburst and went back to forcing Rarity to dig. Only what she was doing doesn't really qualify as "digging." In fact, it was mostly just her moving one of her hooves by an inch while making a whiny groan. (And boy was I trying my best not to laugh my ass off at this sight.)
This of course didn't please the blue dog. "What are you doing? We said dig!"
But Rarity wasn't going to have any of that. "Forgive me, but prior to you so rudely dragging me into your dirt pit, I had a pony-pedi. And I'm not about to chip a hoof because you dislike my style of digging." Just as she was saying this, she was also wagging her neck back and forth the same way a sassy girl does whenever they're like, "Oh no she didn't!"
While Rarity was going back to what she considered as digging, I was saying out loud, "Man, at this rate it's going to take them hours just to get those diamonds."
And that's when the gray dog said, "OK, whose voice are we hearing? Come out and show yourself!"
"Hey, Old Yeller's brain-dead cousin," I responded. "I'm literally right in front of you!"
"But we don't see anything," the brown dog pointed out. "Are you some kind of spirit?"
Upon hearing that suggestion, an idea suddenly popped in my head. Pumping my chest up like some proud commander, I said in a booming voice, "Yes! Kneel before the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine! For the soil that you stand upon is mine, and thus must show some respect!"
After the three stupid dogs were bowing before me, Rarity must've finally caught on that it was me. "Wait a minute, I'd recognize that deep, cracked-up voice anywhere. Jeffrie, is that you?"
Not wanting to have my fun be ruined early, I purposely pretended not to know what she's talking about. "I know nothing of this 'Jeffrie' of whom you speak; but he does sound like a very handsome guy."
Rarity didn't seem to buy it. "Puh-lease, only Jeffrie would ever give his own ego with such self-satisfaction."
"Yeah, well he's not the one having to be the personal slave to a bunch of dogs now, is he?" I retorted.
"Oh, and you definitely have his smart aleck attitude," Rarity kept going on. "The only thing that's missing are his obnoxious horse puns."
Deciding to ignore Rarity, I turned back to the Diamond Dogs and said, "OK, as you three can clearly see, this pony is a pain in the ass who won't shut the Hell up and also has a fear of dirt. As the Great Spirit of these mines, I order you dogs to dig for her so that way the crybaby won't have to do any of the dirty work and bitch too much."
And Rarity just couldn't let my statement go unanswered. "Well, I'm certainly starting to sense some of Jeffrie's rudeness if I do say so myself."
Not wanting to hear Rarity speak any further, the Diamond Dogs immediately did as I commanded and dug for her. But that didn't stop them from making her pull a wagon. The minute she was hooked onto that thing, she just had to open her mouth. As she was leading them to more gems, Rarity would complain over anything that came to mind; from their nails to the smell of their breath, her displeasure knew no bounds.
But it was when she started demanding water where the short dog finally reached his breaking point. "Good gracious, I can't take this anymore. Be quit, pony!"
"And that's another thing," Rarity went on. "I would appreciate it if you stopped calling me pony. I am a lady, and I wish to be addressed as such. So you may call me Miss, or Rarity, or Miss Rarity."
"Enough!" the gray dog cried. "Your whining! It hurts!"
"Whining?" said Rarity. "I am not whining, I am complaining. Do you want to hear whining?" and then she started to whine in such a way that even Jonathan has never done before. And my God was it fucking hilarious or what! My lungs were just aching as I was hearing Rarity say in her over-the-top whiny voice, "Oh, this harness is too tight! It's going to chafe. Can't you loosen it? Oh, it hurts and it's so rusty! Why didn't you clean it first? It's going to leave a stain! And the wagon's getting heavy! Why do I have to pull it?"
While the blue dog had jumped into the pile of gems in an attempt to block out Rarity's whining, the short dog cried, "Ah! Make it stop!"
And then the gray dog shouted, "Stop whining!"
And then Rarity had hammered in the final nail in the coffin of the grey dog's attempt to silence her. "But I thought you wanted whining!" next thing you know, those dogs were at her mercy.
While the three stupid dogs were hauling in wagons full of gemstones, Rarity was drinking water from a golden goblet while being fanned by those Robocop dogs. Upon seeing all of this, I walked up to the Diamond Dogs and was like, "Man, you three just gave a whole new meaning to the term: pussy whipped."
"What do cats have to do with any of this?" the short dog asked.
"Nothing," I said. "But even I know that a cat wouldn't go down so easily just because a pony starts to whine a little."
That last statement seemed to have boosted the gray dog's spirit. "The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine is right! This is ridiculous, letting a pony order us around. What are we, mice or dogs?"
The other two were like, "Mi... dogs?"
And then the gray dog said, "Dogs do not pull, ponies pull. Let her make the awful noises." He immediately strapped Rarity back to the wagon--the latter who which tried to whine her way out again. But the grey dog wasn't having any of that. "Ha! Make the noises all you want. But move while you make them." He then slapped her on the ass and shouted, "Hyah, mule!"
Rarity then looked at him and was like, "Did you just call me a mule?"
I then whispered to the dog's ear, "Oh, now you've done it."
She started to tear up as she said, "Mules are ugly. Are you saying that I too am ugly?" and then she made them listen to a noise that's ten times more annoying than whining: crying.
The short dog was like, "What are these noises?"
"He called me ugly!" Rarity sobbed.
"No, mule! I said mule!" the gray dog defended himself.
"An old, ugly, mule!" Rarity continued. "And it's true! Just look at me. I used to be beautiful, but, but now..."
The blue dog tried to make her stop. "No, no! You're still beautiful po...uh, Miss Rarity."
"You're just saying that!"
The short dog then tried his own take. "No, you're still pretty and..."
I then whispered to the gray dog, "Say she's nice."
"Oh, uh, nice. Yeah."
But Rarity didn't seem to buy it. "I don't believe you! You never liked me!"
As she kept on crying, the gray dog's patience was finally at the edge of a cliff. "Oh, I've had just about enough of this!"
I then told them, "You know, there is a way you can make this stop."
The gray dog bowed again and was like, "Please tell us how to end this, Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine!"
"Well, do you three remember seeing some ponies, a dragon, and two humans trying to get in here?"
"That's what those two-legged creatures are called?" the blue dog was asking.
The gray dog ignored it and said, "Yes, what about them?"
"Simple, just give them 'Miss Rarity' and it'll be their problem."
The short dog was then like, "Of course, that's the whole reason why they tried coming down here in the first place!"
I then added, "Oh, and just another thing, 'Miss Rarity' was looking for some jewels before you took her; so maybe you might want to give her enough to last for a whole century."
The gray dog didn't seem too eager about that idea. "But we've worked very hard to mine those gems..."
"Are you questioning the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine?!"
"No, I wouldn't dare question you!"
"Then give her the gems!"
...
It took them nearly half an hour, but they managed to give Rarity almost every diamond they had. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect when the guys, Spike, and the ponies came crashing in and were surprised to see the Diamond Dogs being eager to give up Rarity and their jewels.
But before any of them had even lifted a foot, Jonathan said, "Wait, where's Jeffrie?"
"Who?" asked the gray dog.
"The one who came down one of those holes before you all started to fill them up!" Jonathan explained.
"Yeah," Andrew said. "So where is he?"
"Sorry two-legged ones," the short dog apologized. "But none of us even know what a Jeffrie is."
"He's here," Rarity assured them. "I've been having to listen to his voice all day."
"Then where is he?" Jonathan demanded.
"Obviously I'm standing next to the cart Rarity's pulling," I told them all.
The gray dog suddenly said, "Kneel, all of you! You are in the presence of the Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine!"
Jonathan was never going to believe that hogwash. "That ain't no spirit, that's just our obnoxious friend who left us all to get dirt in our faces and come crashing down here like a sack of potatoes! Where are you, Jeffrie?!"
"What part of 'I'm standing next to the cart Rarity's pulling' didn't you get the first time?"
They were all looking right at me, but they all had confused looks on their faces. Andrew then said to Rarity, "Are you sure that's Jeffrie?"
And then I answered the question for her. "No, it's James--fucking--Franco, of course it's me!"
"But we can't see you."
"Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm invisible or..." it then all made sense now. The whole environment turning black and white, nobody being able to see me but can still hear me, and the fact that the ring was the only thing that had any color on it. By God, I just found my very own magic ring! All I can think of was, My Precious. Knowing that the others might want to take this from me, I decided that the best thing to do was to keep it secret.
Just as I was about to pull it off of my finger, Rarity said, "Let's just go. If Jeffrie prefers to stay in this dirt pit, then so...AHHH!" the second I took the ring off, I suddenly appeared so unexpectedly that it caused Rarity to leap onto Spike's arms as if she were Scooby-Doo.
After quickly putting the ring in my pocket, I told them, "See, told you I was standing next to Rarity's cart."
The Diamond Dogs were immediately bowing as the grey dog cried, "The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine has taken physical form!"
And I decided to have more fun with them. "Yes, and for your obedience, I shall reward you with a dance that shall make gems fall from the ceiling."
"Really?!"
"Yes, now first, turn around." They did just that. "Look up at the ceiling." They did that as well. "Raise one paw while pulling your tails with the other." They also did that. "Hop on one leg." And they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. "And now you must repeat the following incantation: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?"
"And this'll work?" asked the short dog.
"Yes, and don't stop until gems start falling down," I ordered them. "If you do, then you must sniff each other's butts for three hours and start over."
"This isn't going to take long, is it?" the blue dog asked.
"The Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine has spoken."
While the three stupid dogs were commencing their everlasting torture, Jonathan was like, "Great Spirit of the Diamond Mine?"
"Yeah, I was having a little fun with them." I explained.
"Well why didn't you just save me instead?" Rarity wondered.
"Because then I wouldn't get to hear you whine," I said while trying my best to hold back my laughter. "And Jonathan, after listening to her whining, it puts you to shame. And after all the times you were bitching, that's saying a lot."
Jonathan didn't really know what to make of this. "I'm not sure whether I should feel complimented or not."
"Yeah, well why don't we get on out of here." I suggested. And after all the ponies had strapped themselves to the wagons, that just what we all did.
After that little incident with the Diamond Dogs, I found myself in the kitchen chowing down on the pony equivalent of Cinamon Toast Crunch until the guys had come in. "Hey Jeffrie," said Jonathan. "Andrew and I are headin' to Carousel Boutique. You wanna come with us?"
I waited until I was able to swallow the cereal that was in my mouth, and I told them, "You guys go ahead, I'll catch up with you later."
So with that said, the two of them had left the house and as soon as I had my fill, I went straight up to my room and got dressed. Before I walked out the door, I took the ring out of my pocket and decided to take it for a little spin. As soon as everything went black and white, I knew right away that the ring's powers were taking effect.
As I was roaming around Ponyville, I was trying to decide on who I should test my new invisible powers on first. My answer came in the form of Twilight's place. I gently opened her door as I came inside, and then I went up the stairs and saw her reading some big book. She must've been up all night from the way her eyes looked like they were about to shut themselves for a nap. I then found my opportunity the minute she got up and said, "I think I better get some more coffee." As she went down with an empty mug, I then closed her book and stood there, waiting to see Twilight's reaction.
By the time she got back, she was right in the middle of a sip when she realized that her book was closed. After spitting some of her coffee out, she was trying her best to put the pieces together on how her book could've closed. But she immediately gave up on that and simply opened the book again. While she was chugging down her coffee, I quickly closed the book again and watched as Twilight practically almost barf out every drop of coffee when she saw her book closed again. This time Twilight was going to take things up a notch; and she started by opening the book and placing her empty mug to hold it down.
"All right book, let's see you close this time." She was able to keep her eyes on it for a solid three minutes before her door started to knock. "Spike, go see who that is!" as she watched her "assistant" going down to see who was knocking, Twilight had almost burst into flames again when she noticed that her book was closed again. Now she was really determined to keep that book open seeing as how she was forcing her hooves upon the pages. "OK book, you listen to me, and you listen good, when I open you, I expect you to stay open. You don't close unless I want you to. You got that?!"
"Who are you talking to?" Spike asked as he was watching his legal guardian/master slowly going insane.
"It's nothing to worry about, Spike," Twilight assured him. "I'm just making sure that a certain book doesn't close on me again!"
"Anyway, Derpy just delivered that new volume that you've ordered."
Upon hearing this, Twilight had taken her focus--and hooves--off the book so she could inspect the new one. "I better check if this is the right one; you know how Derpy always ends up delivering the wrong package from time to time." As both their eyes weren't on the book, I took the chance to close it yet again. And when Twilight finally noticed it, she did what any sensible being would do at this sort of situation and tossed the book right out of the window like a fucking nutjob! "Let's see you close this time!"
"Are you OK, Twilight?" Spike worried.
Twilight only took the new book from Spike's claws as she said, "Of course I am, I was getting bored of that volume anyway. Besides, it's high time that I start getting into this new one. At least this one won't close for no reason."
"You know Twilight, you have been staying up all night. Maybe you just need to take a little nap."
Upon feeling his claws trying to nudge her back to bed, she broke free of his grasp as she looked in his eyes and said, "I'm fine Spike, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm completely...OH COME ON!" she almost screamed her lungs out when she saw her new book closed. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU JUST ARRIVE AND NOW YOU'RE REFUSING TO STAY OPEN TOO?! JUST WHAT IN ALL EQUESTRIA'S GOING ON HERE?!"
When she was starting to get pissed to the point of snorting out air from her nose, Spike was gently leading her out while saying, "OK Twilight, I think you've been staying in this library for too long. Why don't we go see what Rarity's doing?" and as soon as they were all gone, I was finally able to let out my laughter.
After that little ordeal with Twilight, I wandered around some more until I found Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon--or as I'd like to call them the Brat Pack (though I also would've considered the Bratty Bunch)--having themselves a little picnic. They were just sipping tea and eating cookies while they also made some bitch remarks about the Cutie Mark Crusaders not having their Cutie Marks. So I figured that was all the cause for me to scare the shit out of them by having one of their stuffed animals float around and say, "Oh look at me, I'm alive!" but they ran away when I had it speak in a scary voice. "What you looking at girls, stay in school!"
And when that was done, I decided to head over to Sugarcube Corner for one last prank. I saw a bunch of ponies standing in a line; amongst the line was Dr. Hooves standing in front of Bon-Bon and Lyra. Bon-Bon had her back turned from Dr. Hooves, which made it easier for me to pinch her flank and watch her smack him across the head and shout, "Jerk!"
The two of them then walked away while Dr. Hooves was exclaiming, "What?! What did I do?!"
And I just had to let out my laughter after that. "OK, I suppose that's enough fun for me today. I better go check on the guys."
Just as I was walking out the building, I could have sworn that I heard the Dr. go, "Did somepony hear that?"
When I entered Carousel Boutique, I saw Jonathan and Andrew being completely oblivious to my arrival. So I took the opportunity to sneak behind them, take off my ring, put it in my pocket, and then cried out, "What are you doing?!"
And after they both acted like complete spazzes, Jonathan was the first to calm down and start bitching. "Dammit Jeffrie, you know I don't like it when you sneak up on us like that!"
"I know, and that's why it's so funny," I said in my defense. "But seriously though, what's been going on around here?"
Andrew gave me an answer. "Well while you were at home, Rarity's been getting Fluttershy ready for some photographer."
I looked over his shoulder and watched Rarity putting a fancy costume on Fluttershy. And while that was going on, Twilight and Pinkie Pie were talking to each other while Spike was helping Rarity in any way he can: from handing her supplies, all the way to using himself as a pincushion. Yes, you've read correctly; Spike, the little kid dragon, is using himself as a pincushion for the sake of impressing a pony that he has the hots for. Jesus Christ Spike, I thought to myself, even Johnny Knoxville would think you're going too extreme at this point.
When Rarity no longer had any need of him, I walked up to Spike and asked, "Doesn't that hurt?"
And he had this to say, "Thick scales, can't feel a thing. And even if I could, there is no pain that would keep me from assisting the most beautiful creature in the world." Well aren't you the subtle one, Spike. Just as I was thinking this, Spike had something he wanted to share with me, Twilight, and Pinkie. "I'm gonna tell you three a secret. But you have to promise not to tell anyone."
I gave him my word, "Sure, I promise."
Then Twilight gave hers, "I promise."
And Pinkie Pie had this to say, "I cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"That's not how it goes," I corrected her. "It's cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. It's kinda like how you ponies say everypony when you should say everybody."
Twilight then cried, "Sweet Celestia, will you stop bringing that up already?!"
"Well Twilight," I retorted, "if you ponies were to just get with the program and say it the right way, then I wouldn't have to keep bringing it up, would I?"
Spike was starting to become impatient. "Do you guys want to know my secret or not?!"
I decided to just tell him, "If it's about your crush on Rarity then it's not much of a secret."
Spike was then like, "How did you know?"
"Because you told me and the guys yourself the first time we've met you. You know, when we first came here and had to live with you and Twilight for a day? Which I think was only about a year ago."
"Seriously, it's been that long since you guys came to Equestria?"
"Yes, but let's not get off topic. Look Spike, I've known you for over a year, and I know for a fact that you're a smart kid. Which is why you of all people should already know this: you can't call something a secret if people already know what the secret is. It's like Twilight trying to convince everyone that she can't do magic during that little snafu with Trixie; it's kind of a no brainer. Also, for someone who's trying hard to keep this crush of yours a secret, you're not exactly subtle when it comes to hiding it. I mean that t-shirt pretty much says it all." That's when he finally noticed the I love Rarity t-shirt that he somehow had on. "But hey, Spike, if keeping this little crush of yours a secret means so much to you, then I guess I'll just go with it. I mean you're not the only friend I know who has a love secret."
And that's when we turned to Andrew and Jonathan--who are now wearing I love Applejack and I love Twilight t-shirts. Upon realizing this, they both immediately ripped their shirts with Jonathan saying, "How long have these shirts been on us?!" and with Andrew telling him, "I swear that I have no idea where these shirts came from!"
But it would seem that the sight of Jonathan's man-tits was too much for Rarity to handle. "Oh for Heaven's sake Jonathan, do make yourself more decent!"
This caused Jonathan to have another tantrum. "You're naked! So what does it matter to you if part of my body's not completely covered?!"
"Well for starters darling, when I'm not wearing clothes, my body becomes a beauty to behold." She then started to do a pose that was making Spike pant like a dog--and I swear that he's trying his best not to get a dragon boner in front of everyone. "But when you don't wear clothes...how do I put this lightly? Your body looks like that of a collection of jelly doughnuts that've been molded into a clay figurine."
I then translated that statement in words that Jonathan can understand. "You see Jonathan, I keep telling you that no girl alive wants to stare at your man-tits."
He then tried to take Andrew down with him. "Well what about Andrew?! He has man-tits too!"
"They're not man-tits, they're pecs," Andrew clarified while he was also flexing his body for no reason. "Take a good look Jonathan, this is what you get when you're a football player. (Ravishing Rick Rude, eat your heart out.)"
Jonathan was beginning to get irritated at this point. "I'm sorry, but can you remind how many Superbowl's you've won, Tony Romo? None? Then shut up about your fucking football status already!"
Everything went quiet when the door had suddenly opened. There stood a pony with blue fur, white hair, and goofy looking glasses. Oh God, I thought to myself. It's Lady Gaga as a pony! And if that's not strange enough, she also speaks in an accent that sounds like a mixture of German and Swedish. "I, Photo Finish...have arrived." And what followed next was her taking some very quick photos of Fluttershy. When that was over, Photo Finish had this to say, "It seems that I, Photo Finish, have found the next fashion star here in Ponyville." And Rarity couldn't have been happier upon hearing this.
...
A couple of days later, I've been noticing a whole lot more pictures of Fluttershy as of lately. As if this isn't strange enough, I literally saw mobs of ponies chasing her! Luckily she was able to hide inside Carousel Boutique, and she was even more lucky by the fact that the pony mob was clearly too stupid to understand the concept of entering a building.
When the mob decided to leave, I went inside and found Fluttershy talking with Rarity. "And how is Ponyville's number one model doin'?" I asked.
"Can I be honest?" said Fluttershy.
"You can always be honest."
"I hate it! I'm sorry Rarity, I know that me being famous meant a lot to you, but this is all too exhausting!"
"Wait, wait," I stopped her. "Why would you being a model be a big deal for Rarity? I thought she was just wanting to make clothes for this Photo Finish."
Rarity then spilled the beans. "Unfortunately darling, Photo Finish was never in any need of me; she just wanted Fluttershy as her model."
"Wow," I told her. "You must've been really screwed on that one."
It took a while for Rarity to think of a response, but she eventually came out with, "I... wouldn't exactly put it like that. But I guess it does feel that way."
"That's what she said," I laugh for a good, couple of seconds until getting back to the discussion. "Anyway, Fluttershy, why don't you just quit?"
"I really want to," Fluttershy admitted. "But I'm afraid that Photo Finish just won't listen to me."
"Well if she won't listen to you, then maybe she'll listen to me."
"You mean you'll help me?!" she beamed with that happy grin that she always gives me whenever I do something nice for her. But before I could explain any further, two ponies of the mob have finally remembered how to get inside a building, so Rarity and I had to hide Fluttershy behind some dresses.
One of them was Bon-Bon, and the other was some purple pony that I could care less about--especially seeing as Bon-Bon did most of the talking. "Is she still here? We heard Fluttershy was here."
Rarity then told them, "Sorry. You just missed her. But you're still in luck. I'm having a huge sale on some of my best designs."
"And you are...?"
"Rarity, of course."
"Never heard of you."
Before Rarity could say anything, I decided to do her a favor and give that bitch a piece of my mind myself. "Excuse me, but this is one of the same ponies who saved both your asses from some evil nightmare princess, the same pony who single-handedly outsmarted three Diamond Dogs who kidnapped her, and the same pony who made those ridiculous dresses that Hoity Toity hated."
"Don't remind them that!" Rarity hissed.
"Look, if you want recognition, then you got to start somewhere," I then turned back to Bon-Bon. "As for you missy, it wouldn't kill you to show some respect for those who went through a whole lot of trouble just to have somebody remember that she did something great."
"Mustn't have been too great if I can't even remember it."
I was going soft on her the whole time, but now I've decided to take my gloves off. "Oh, I'm sorry, but what might I ask did you accomplish aside from getting your ass pinched by a doctor?" that seemed to strike a nerve in her (from the slowly building up sad look on her face). "Tell me something, if Rarity's such a nobody to you, then what would that make you then? I mean I at least remember Rarity's name, but not so much yours apparently. But I guess it's not so important if I can't even remember it; and I can assume that you're not that important either. Now what do you have to say about that?"
Her head had bowed down as tears slowly began to drop. "I'm pathetic!" and that's when Bon-Bon ran out the store.
"Yeah you better run you disrespectful little bitch!" I then noticed that the purple pony was still standing there. "And what are you waiting for?" it didn't take her too long to hit the bricks.
The second she was gone, I felt myself being pulled by some magical force and had my face get pressed next to Rarity's. "Oh darling, I had no idea that you cared so much about me!"
The smell of her perfume was beginning to make my eyes burn, so I desperately tried to escape her grasp. But then Fluttershy made it more difficult by glomping me from the other side. "You see, Jeffrie's not always bad; he's a real sweetie once you get to know him."
"Fluttershy's right, Jeffrie," Rarity continued smothering me. "All the time I've known you, I always thought you were just a temperamental psychotic who never cared for me or my problems. But now I see that even you have beauty inside."
And this is the part where I make them stop. "OK, I get it: I'm an angry guy who can do occasional nice things once in a while. Now will you two please ease up on the affection?"
That only seemed to encourage Rarity to smother me some more. "Oh, and you're even using proper manners now! Oh I can just kiss you right now!"
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" it didn't even take the two of them five seconds to release me and give me my space. "Now then, I'm going to have a little talk with Photo Finish. And by the time it's done, Fluttershy won't ever have to be a model again."
"How are you going to convince her?" asked Fluttershy.
"I'm gonna make her an offer that she can't refuse...but first I'll need a baseball bat."
...
Half an hour later, the guys and I were already headin' our way towards Photo Finish's office. The minute we came in, I took a seat with Jonathan and Andrew standing beside me. "Photo Finish?" I started the conversation.
"Yes?"
"Hi, name's Jeffrie Turner, I'm a good friend to Fluttershy."
"Ah yes, Flootershy has been shining unlike any model ever captured by I, Photo Finish."
"Yes, well I've come on her behalf to give you a one-of-a-kind offer."
"Oh, and vhat is thees offer?"
Jonathan then gave me the contract, and I in turn slid it over to her. "Photo Finish, you might not know this, but my friend Fluttershy is getting tired of the modeling life. So if you wouldn't be so kind as to sign this contract that'll end her modeling career for..."
"No!" Photo slammed her hoof on the table. "That is an offer that I must refuse! Flootershy is one of the greatest models that I, Photo Finish, have ever had the pleasure of shooting! Ending her career vould be a terrible mistake on my part!"
Looks like we're gonna have to do this the hard way. I held out my hand for Andrew to give me the bat. "Photo Finish, I like you to meet my good business partner, Donny. Donny is very good when it comes to persuading people." Jonathan picked up one of Photo Finish's camera's, placed it on her desk, and I continued my proposal. "Now why don't you just reconsider signing that there contract?"
She told me, "My answer is still no."
"Have it your way," I then smashed the camera with all my strength and watched as Photo Finish gaped in horror! I then walked up to a big picture of a pony singer. "And who might this be?"
"That is Saphire Shores."
"And she was your model before Fluttershy?"
"Yes."
"Well, I guess you won't be needing this chick's puss anymore," I then smashed that as well! And that's when I've stumbled upon the old 1900 camera. "Well, well, I never knew they still make these anymore."
"No, not that! Please sir, that's a family heirloom!"
"You don't say. And I suppose that this is worth about...twenty...forty...sixty Fluttershy's? Or is it the other way around?" she couldn't find it in herself to speak. "I'll take that as a yes."
But right when I was about to smash it as well, she finally broke. "Vait, vait! I sign, I sign!" she picked up a pen, scribbled her name, handed it over to me on her knees and said, "Here, it's done! Flootershy is free! Now please spare the camera!"
Seeing that my work here is done, I took the contract while smugly saying, "Thank you." And I would've left if I hadn't just come up with a good prank for Jonathan. I whispered my idea to Andrew, before having to twist Jonathan's nose for trying to spoil the surprise. "But out Mr. Nosey."
As I was walking to Photo Finish, I could hear Jonathan muttering, "Why did he had to twist it so hard?" and Andrew added, "That's what she said."
And I had myself a little chuckle before speaking with Photo Finish. "Say Ms. Finish, how would you like to have a new model for free?"
"Vhat are you saying?"
"What if I told you that in this room, is something much more worth capturing than Fluttershy?"
"Vhat is it?!"
"Andrew, show her." He then lifted up Jonathan's shirt to expose his man-tits to Photo Finish. "Hey, put my shirt down you weirdo!"
"Hold it!" Photo Finish had practically blazed towards Jonathan as she started to inspect his man-tits. "I've never seen anything like thees! The form, the texture, the way it bounces and jiggles like jelly! What are these?!"
I gave her an explanation. "Those are man-tits."
"Mon-teets...yes, of course, it all makes sense. This is the kind of physique that Equestria has been vaiting to see for centuries! Vhat is your name?!"
"Jonathan."
"No, that name von't do. Ve need a name that is stunning, sexy; a name that shall be remembered for all time!"
Andrew then made a suggestion, "How about Senor Man-tits?"
"Don't encourage her!" Jonathan hissed.
"Yes!" she cried triumphantly. "That is just the name ve need! From a hundred years from now, everypony shall never forget the name of Senor Mon-teets!"
"Well, good luck with the modeling Jonathan!" as me and Andrew bolted out the door, Jonathan was screaming, "Don't you dare leave me here you bastards!"
...
Four days later, Jonathan's modeling career had come to a short end due to the fact that pretty much none of the ponies in Equestria would ever put up with pictures of his man-tits. Andrew and I had come to greet him at the train station. And when he got off the train, I was the first to say, "Hey, if it ain't Senor Man-tits himself!"
He just stared daggers at me and coldly said, "You're despicable!"
"Oh what's wrong?" I said. "Are you just cranky because no pony girls wanted your autograph?"
"The past four days, have probably been the most embarrassing in my life."
"Don't look so down, Jonathan," Andrew tried to comfort him. "Just listen to all the stellar reviews ponies gave about you." He then pulled out a magazine and started to read some reviews. "'I once thought that Rarity's eyesore dresses were the worst thing I've ever seen. But after witnessing Senor Man-tits' photos, I was proven wrong', Hoity Toity. 'If I had the option between jumping in a tank full of sharks, or looking at photos of Senor Man-tits, I'd say toss me in', Saphire Shores. 'Having a cockatrice turn me into stone is a mercy compared to seeing a photo of Senor Man-tits', Trenderhoof. Oh look, there's even a quote from Photo Finish. 'Senor Mon-teets is the biggest mistake I've made since giving up Flootershy'."
Jonathan just swiped the magazine away and torn it to shreds before he said, "You know something, if you guys were the ones with the chubby nipples, you wouldn't be so happy to have everyone laugh about it!"
I then tried to actually be caring to him. "Jonathan, your man-tits aren't just a laughingstock. It's actually helped some of the ponies."
"Like what?"
I then pointed to a mother pony talking with her kid. "Now Button, when we get home, I expect you to clean your room."
"But why?!"
"Because if you don't, then Senor Man-tits will come get you."
"You see Jonathan," I said. "Your man-tits have given parents a new way of punishing kids without spanking them."
Andrew then added, "Yeah, in fact I'm starting to hear that girl ponies are now using your pictures to scare away rapists instead of pepper spray." And so we continue to laugh our way home while Jonathan just continued to pout over his failed modeling career.
One day, the guys and I had found ourselves aboard a train with Spike and the ponies that was heading towards a town called Appleloosa. The reason why the ponies were going there was because Applejack needed to deliver an apple tree; and the reason why we were dragged along was because Andrew saw this as an opportunity to confess his feelings for Applejack and insisted that me and Jonathan be there to witness it.
But it would seem that that would have to wait for another time, seeing as how it was already nighttime and Andrew had come back with that disappointed look that most people who fail usually have on their faces. "I take it that Applejack still doesn't know yet?" asked Jonathan.
"Well she did thank me for cradling Bloomberg for her," Andrew tried to find a silver lining. "I'm just honestly surprised at how heavy these apple trees really are."
"So it's safe to say that we got on this train for nothing?" I presumed.
"That's not true," Andrew retorted. "We're going to a new town; that's fun, right?"
Jonathan just gave him a reality check. "Sorry Andrew, traveling to towns that are in the middle of a desert maybe fun in Red Dead Remption; but not so much here."
By the time our conversation was over, I was starting to notice Spike having a hard time trying to go to sleep, what with the nonstop chatter that was coming from the ponies (aside from Rarity, that is). But he eventually couldn't take anymore and just had to tell these loudmouths to shut the fuck up. "Do you guys' mind? I was up early fire-roasting those snacks you're all eating, and I'm pooped!"
I'm sorry, but I just need to put this story on pause and take this time to address something that I feel is important. What the fuck is Twilight's deal with raising Spike? I mean, she laughs when he almost drowned in the middle of a lake, allows him to be used as a crash test dummy without showing any concern towards his physical well-being, and now she's going as far as depriving him of much needed sleep just for the sake of not having to roast snacks herself (the last of which kinda explains why Spike fell asleep on a piece of melting ice during the Winter Wrap Up). Is there just a sick, twisted, dark part of her brain that's giving her bad parenting advice? Isn't she even a tad bit worried that Child Services might find out about all of this? Though now that I think about it, Child Services probably doesn't even exist in this world. Because if it did exist, then I'm pretty sure that they would waste no time getting Spike away from an irresponsible adult who thinks she can dump all of her responsibilities on the shoulders of a little kid.
OK, now that I got that out of the way, let's get back to the story. After Spike's outburst, Rainbow Dash seemed to have been the only one who didn't get the memo. What with her saying, "Uh, speaking of, some of these popcorn kernels didn't get popped."
Spike just gave her a kind of passive-aggressive look and said, "OK, fine." And that's when he let out a blast of fire that burned all of Rainbow Dash's popcorn--except for the one that wasn't popped! This resulted in me laughing my ass off to the point of kicking my feet in the air, and then telling Rainbow Dash, "I hope that one piece of popcorn will be enough to fill you up for tonight!" after high fiving Spike and ignoring the irritated looks that the ponies get whenever they hear me laughing, we all decided to call it a night...that is until Rainbow Dash decided to have a chat with Pinkie Pie.
"Psst! Pinkie Pie, you asleep yet?"
"No, are you asleep yet?"
"If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?"
"Oh yeah!"
"When we get to Appleloosa, you think we'll have to carry that heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?"
"What tree? You mean Bloomberg?"
"No, Fluttershy..."
"Fluttershy's not a tree, silly!"
Twilight decided to join in. "What's going on?"
"Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy's a tree!" Pinkie filled her in.
"I don't think she's a tree! I was just..."
"Did you say she was a tree?" Twilight asked.
"No. Well...yes. But not exactly..."
"Ya know she's not a tree, right?"
"She's not a tree, Dashie!" Pinkie reminded her.
And then Fluttershy decided to say something as well. "I'd like to be a tree."
Spike couldn't take any more of the ponies' chatter, so he took his pillow and blanket with him and went off to somewhere more quiet. The second he wasn't around, Fluttershy had made a little jape about him being "huffy" (I'm kinda surprised that a pony who's supposed to represent kindness would even want to make fun of a kid). They each had a little laugh--and I do mean little--but were soon screaming back to their beds when they saw that Rarity apparently likes to sleep the same way as Yzma. "Would you all be quiet...now?!" when everything was finally silent, I soon found myself dreaming away.
...
In my dream, I am standing victorious over my fierce battle with the mighty Himura Kenshin. As I was doing my victory pose while also donning my Ryu outfit, the legendary Battosai could only lay unconscious with the plethora of battle scars and bruises all over his body and with "Oro," being the only word his lips can muster.
"Jeffrie!" far off in the distance, I saw my prize running towards me. Kaoru, the former lover of Kenshin whose heart finally belongs to me now. After hugging me and giving me a well-deserved kiss to the cheek, my beloved told me, "Oh Jeffrie, I knew you would win!"
"I promised you that I would win your hand," I said. "And not even the Hitnen Mitsurugi style could keep me down."
"You did, which is why my virginity shall be your reward." With that said, I watched her untie her blue ribbon while sliding off her pink robe to reveal the heavenly body that I was fighting for. Of course, her breast were somewhat small, but since this is my dream, I was able to have them grow into the biggest pair of melons that every man dreams of. She then leapt onto me as I was holding her by her butt cheeks, and that's when both our mouths finally connected with one another and allow both our tongues to wrestle for a good nine minutes. After we let our mouths go, she then smothered my whole face with the humongous tits that I just gave her. While this was happening, Vince Vaugh (who was dressed as Sanosuke) was watching us and going, "You motorboatin' son of a bitch." This caused Kaoru to punch him straight to the moon and shout, "Can't you see I'm being intimate with my future husband here?!" but before I even had a chance to claim her virginity, I was now about to come face to face with a very rude awakening.
...
My face had fallen flat onto the floor of the train while my whole body was being pinned down by that of Jonathan's. "Get the fuck off of my back!" after throwing him off my back like an angry bull, I finally got up and asked the ponies, "OK, somebody better start explaining why I was knocked off my bed right now!" they were just giving me these strange, astonish looks that I haven't seen since the time they all saw me deflect Celestia's lightning back to herself. "And why, might I ask, are you ponies giving me the weird looks?" it didn't take too long for me to figure out they were staring upon the raging boner that was trying to escape from my pajama pants!
"Did you dislocate one of your bones?" Rainbow Dash suggested.
"No silly, isn't it obvious?!" Pinkie Pie declared. "He's hiding a snake in his pants!"
"Ooh, I love snakes!" Fluttershy beamed in excitement. "Can I pet it?!"
Just as she was flying towards my pants, I blocked her hoof with one hand and said, "Sorry Fluttershy, but this is one snake that you won't be petting."
The soft fur that I felt had made my "snake" move a little, and that caused Rarity to shriek. "Sweet Celestia, I think I saw it move!"
Thank God Andrew had enough sense to change the subject. "Yeah, as much as I would love for all of us to go into more detail about Jeffrie's morning wood, can we please focus on the damn buffalo out there?!"
All of our attention was turned towards the stampeding herd of buffalo (who were dressed up as Native Americans) outside from the side of the train. We then watched a young-looking buffalo perform a somersault and landed on top of one of the train carts. After she ran past our cart, the ponies soon realized that the young buffalo was heading towards the caboose. (Which happens to be where Applejack's apple tree is being held.)
Any who, Rainbow Dash wasted no time in chasing the unknown assailant, but her speed clearly wasn't at its best seeing as how she missed the buffalo by an inch and went head-first into a sign. We could only watch as the caboose was being taken away by the buffalo tribe as they stampeded farther into the sunset with Rainbow Dash following behind. None of this would've been too bad if Spike wasn't inside that caboose while this was happening!
I of course tried to run off after him, but I found myself being dragged back by Twilight's unicorn magic. "What the Hell do you think you're doing?!" I scolded her. "Can't you see that we have a serious problem on our hands?!"
"Yeah, they've gone and took Bloomberg!" Applejack shouted.
I gave her the same look anyone would have after they heard something really stupid and said, "Applejack, fuck your tree! In case you didn't notice, Spike just got kidnapped by a herd of buffalo!"
"I know you're worried about Spike," Twilight tried convincing me, "but you just can't just run off by yourself."
"Rainbow Dash is chasing him on her own; I don't see you dragging her back with your magic. Now that I brought it up, why didn't you use your magic to stop that caboose? Or teleport yourself into said caboose and teleport yourself and Spike back here? Hell, I can just flash forward myself over to him right now."
Before I even started to do that, Twilight still insisted that now is not the time to be rescuing Spike. "Look Jeffrie, we just have to wait for a better time to go save him."
"It'll only take like three seconds..."
"Let's just wait until we arrive to Appleloosa, then maybe the townsponies can help us."
"Why?! We never needed all of Ponyville just to get rid of one dragon or rescue Rarity from those Diamond Dogs, so why should this be any different?!"
Before Twilight can think of another half-ass excuse, the train finally reached its destination. "Oh look, we're here. Come on everypony, let's go see if anypony can help us."
The second me and the guys had changed ourselves into our clothes, we stepped off the train and got a good look at Appleloosa. Which, for the most part, looks like every old west town out of every western movie. (In fact, a bit of me was hoping that this was all just a big set out of Blazing Saddles.) But it wasn't long until we found ourselves being greeted by a yellow furred pony with long orange hair--who was (like all the ponies who live here) dressed up like a cowboy. "Hey there! Welcome to A-A-ppleloosa!"
You know, I normally would be thinking up of a funny gay joke about this guy, but I was too worried about Spike to even bother coming up with one. Applejack tried to say, "Braeburn, listen..."
But she was immediately cut-off by this Braeburn fella. "Cousin Applejack, mind yer manners, you have yet ta introduce me ta yer..." that's when he finally noticed me and the guys. "Well blaze my saddles, are those them strange visitors who fell from the sky?!"
The guys and I both had the same "Say what?!" expressions on our faces by the time I asked Braeburn, "You've heard of us?"
"Heard of ya? Why you're all that my cousin Applejack ever talks about in her letters! Now if what Applejack described y'all in her letters is true...you're Jeffrie." He correctly pointed at me. He then gazed upon Jonathan and made his next guess. "And you're Andrew."
"I'm Andrew!" the real Andrew corrected him.
This bit of clarity seemed to amaze Braeburn. "Oh I'm sorry, it's just that cousin Applejack had described ya as bein' handsome."
"And you thought I wasn't?!"
"You really thought I was handsome?" Jonathan muttered while also slightly blushing from Braeburn's unintentional compliment.
But seeing as how Spike's life might be at stake, I was the one who had to get things back on track. "Now look here Sideburns..."
"Braeburn."
"Whatever. We're kinda in a hurry, so you think maybe we can skip the chit-chat and move forward?"
"You're right, I can't believe I almost fergot!" that's when Braeburn turned around, gave himself a big inhale and shouted, "Hey everypony, them strangers who fell from the sky are here!"
Next thing you know, we were surrounded by the entire townsponies of Appleloosa! They were all either touching us, asking us questions, or just staring upon us in complete awe. Then things started to get more interesting when the sheriff finally said, "Howdy strangers, name's Sheriff Silverstar. Our good friend Braeburn's been tellin' us a lot about y'all through his cousin's letters; and any friend of Applejack's is a friend of Appleloosa. So if y'all ever need anythin', just let us know."
Andrew wasted no time in making his request. "Can I have your hat?"
The sheriff had a good look at his hat until finally deciding, "Sure, I got plenty of 'em."
As soon as Andrew got his hat, Jonathan knew just what to ask for. "Can I have your badge?"
"Ya mean this here badge that was given ta me ever since the good ponies of Appleloosa chose me ta be their sheriff?" Sheriff Silverstar also gave his badge a good long look until he took it off and said, "Ah what the hay, I got plenty of 'em."
After he tossed his badge over to Jonathan, it was now my turn. "OK, since we're on the business of having our requests granted, why don't you all form a posse and help rescue a friend of mine from some buffalo?"
All their warm smiles soon turned to cold looks of shock as Braeburn said, "Did you say...buffalo?"
"E'yup," I responded with my Big Mac impersonation while ignoring Braeburn shouting, "Hey, that's what my cousin, Big Macintosh, says!" and also going into more detail over what happened. "Now this may seem a little fucked-up, but a herd of buffalo had just stolen a train cart that just happened to have one of our friends inside."
"And we had an apple tree with us fer yer orchard, but they took that too!" Applejack added.
After giving myself a quick facepalm, I turned to her and said, "Applejack, we've been over this, your tree is not important! It can't speak, think, breath, or walk; but Spike, however, can do all those things. In other words, your tree's well-being--or lack of a well-being I should say--is not a priority!"
"Bloomberg has a name, ya know." Applejack retorted with a huff.
"Applejack, I can take a crap right now and also give it a name, but it wouldn't change the fact that it's just a piece of crap!" I explained to her. "Also, did you not notice the shit ton of apple trees they have in their orchard? They got plenty of them; so really, you shouldn't even be delivering them more trees."
The sheriff, however, had this to say. "I wouldn't necessarily say that we have 'plenty' of apple trees. We may have an ample supply of 'em, but that doesn't really mean that we got plenty of 'em."
I then decided to give the sheriff a fair share of logic. "Sheriff, ample and plenty are the same thing; kinda like horses and ponies."
"Ponies and horses aren't the same thing," the sheriff insisted.
"What are you talking about? Of course they're the same thing."
"No, because horses are much taller than us ponies."
"That may be true, but horses and ponies both have manes...and they both have hooves, and they both have long muzzles, and they both eat hay, and they both go neigh, and wear horseshoes, and wear saddles, and carry cargo, and kick predators, and plow fields, and shit while they walk, and even refer to themselves as stallions, mares, colts, and fillies. So yeah, if there's more similarities than there are antonyms between two things, then it's kinda obvious that they're the exact same thing! In fact, if you ever look up the term 'pony' in a dictionary, you'd be pleasantly surprised to find that it's defined as: a small horse."
"Well partner, unless ya happen ta have a dictionary with ya ta prove it, we're just gonna have ta assume you're wrong."
"Oh no, he ain't makin' it up," Jonathan spoke in my defense. "It says on Wiktionary that a pony is: any of several small breeds of horses under 14.2 hands."
"What the hay's a 'Wiktionary'?" after Jonathan showed the ponies the Wiktionary definition on his phone, Sheriff Silverstar's mind was mildly blown. "Huh, I guess he proved us wrong."
I then took this chance to remind them of our kidnapped dragon. "Yes, as much as I'd love to revel over the fact that I'm always right, why don't we all cut the chit chat and go rescue our friend from those buffalo?"
"Oh yeah, ya did ask us that," Sheriff Silverstar remembered. "Ya sure ya wouldn't want somethin' else? How 'bout my vest; ya don't need ta worry about me runnin' out, I got plenty of 'em."
"No, I'd much rather have our dragon friend back, safe and sound. You make it sound as if these buffalo are going to be a real problem."
"That's because they are," Braeburn responded. "Them buffalo want us settler ponies ta take every single tree you see here off this land. We put a lot of hard work inta this land, so we can feed our town, our families, and our foals! And now they're sayin' all these trees have ta go?"
"Did you try talking with them about it?" Jonathan asked.
Braeburn was confused by this suggestion. "Ya mean as in... negotiate?"
"Well yeah," Andrew stated, "I mean it's not like these buffalo are telling y'all to hit the trail for no reason."
While the towns ponies were silently doubting Andrew's statement, I had to be the one to break the silence. "You have to excuse us, it's just that we've been under the impression that you ponies live your lives based on friendship. You know, as in always being respectful towards others, never judging people you've just met, and pretty much treat everyone as equals. I mean, you all look like the kind of ponies who would even welcome a zebra to this town, right?"
After letting that information sink in, the sheriff suddenly blurted, "Hay no! We would just purposely avoid her and assume she's a threat!" I noticed that Applejack was giving him a look that kinda says, "Ya ain't makin' us look any better by sayin' that."
"Anyway," I brought them all up to speed, "racism aside, we really want to see our friend to be back, safe and sound. So the sooner you all help us save him, the quicker the eight of us can help you all out with your buffalo problems."
"Uh...don't ya mean seven?" Braeburn corrected me.
What the fuck is he talking about? I thought to myself until I felt Andrew's finger tapping my shoulder. He motioned his head towards the ponies, and that's when I finally realized that not only were they short on one obnoxious, blue braggart, but it would seem that a certain pink blabbermouth was also absent. "Holy shit, how long has Pinkie been gone?!"
"I guess she must've left us while you and I were arguing," Twilight suggested. Upon mentioning this, I gave my patented "Are you serious?!" expression that I have whenever I'm about to chew out one of the ponies for fucking up in some way. Twilight must've been used to this, seeing as how she just let out an annoyed sigh and said, "All right, what did I do wrong this time?"
"You wouldn't let me go after those buffalo (even when Rainbow Dash was already following them), but you're OK with Pinkie going after them?"
"Well it's not like I knew she was going to sneak off like that; this is Pinkie we're talking about!"
"Yeah, it's too bad Pinkie's not with us...I probably could've trade her for Spike."
"Jeffrie!" Fluttershy scolded me.
"What?! It's Pinkie Pie; she never feels miserable." I defended myself. "Besides, it was between either her or Twilight."
It was then Twilight's turn to over-react. "Why me?!"
"You know why," I told her solemnly. "In fact, I was almost considering maybe Rarity. But then I remembered that her over-the-top melodrama amuses me; so I felt she was tolerable...to an extent."
Upon mentioning her name, Rarity had suddenly remembered something important. "Wait a minute, didn't Jeffrie suggest that we defecate while walking just a moment ago?"
But before anyone could into more detail over that, we all heard a voice cry out, "Hi guys!"
This sudden alert had caused my elbow to collide with someone's face! As I was rubbing my elbow, I turned and saw just who it was I just hit. "Oh, it's only Pinkie Pie."
Of course the rest of the ponies were gathering around her and asking if she was OK and what-not. Andrew then asked her the most obvious question, "Hey Pinkie, where's Spike and Rainbow Dash?"
"Oh, they should be coming right about now."
True to her word, we all saw Spike, Rainbow Dash, and some unknown figure, walking to Appleloosa far off in the distance. I wasted no time and rushing onward and quickly went down to my knees and gave Spike a hug. He returned the hug back and said, "Take it easy, Jeffrie. You act like you weren't gonna see me again."
"Well Spike, when I see one of my friends being kidnapped, it kinda makes sense that I worry about you."
"I'm OK now Jeffrie, you got nothing to worry about."
During this touching moment, Rainbow Dash was having the kind of pissed-off reaction that I would usually expect from Jonathan. "Where's my hug?"
"Were you the one who got kidnapped?" I asked.
"No."
"Then you don't need one."
As soon as I decided to release Spike, I found myself coming face to face with the same buffalo who had taken the caboose from earlier. She was just as tall as the ponies, was covered head to hoof with orange fur, had hair that was short of like a darkish-yellow, and around her head was a headband with a feather attached. "Greetings," she introduced herself. "I'm Little Strongheart; I don't think we actually met, but you might've saw me, and some members of my tribe steal a train cart that had your friend onboard."
"Yeah, I remember," I told her. "I gotta be honest, when I saw Spike with that helpless look on his face, I was prepared to smash through mountains, dust storms, and tornadoes just to get him back. And I would've if Twilight hadn't held me back."
"If you're thinking that we took Spike on purpose, I assure you that we were only after the tree."
Spike tugged at my jeans in an attempt to get my attention. "You can trust her, Jeffrie. She and her people never meant to kidnap me in the first place."
Looking upon the pleading look on Spike's face was enough to convince me that he and his new buffalo friend are telling the truth. I then looked at the buffalo girl and gave her my answer. "If Spike trusts you, then I suppose I can as well."
Upon saying this, I turned and noticed that the others had finally caught up with us. Braeburn walked up to Little Strongheart and cautiously asked, "What brings ya ta our little town? Have ya come ta negotiate."
"Oh yes," Strongheart responded with a bit of hope. "On behalf of my tribe, I've come to ask..."
"The land is theirs!" Rainbow Dash interrupted. "You planted the trees in the middle of their stampeding grounds; now you just gotta move 'em."
"They busted their rumps here!" Applejack spoke. "And now they're suppose ta bust their rumps again just 'cause some buffalo won't stampede someplace else?"
They kept on arguing so much that neither Braeburn nor Strongheart were given a choice to speak their opinions as well. Seeing as how Applejack's and Rainbow Dash's bickering isn't really going to solve anything, I decided to put an end to it by going Philip Seymour Hoffman on their pony asses. "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT, SHUT, SHUT, SHUT, SHUT UP...! SHUT UP!" as soon as everything became silent, I decided to lower my volume. "Now...I can see that both of you are wanting to address the obvious problem, but this is between them, not you. So why don't you two keep your mouths shut and let Braeburn and Little Strongheart speak for themselves, then we can start talking about ways to fix this, OK?"
With that said, Strongheart took a deep breath and then said to Braeburn, "My tribe has always taken pride in our sacred stampede rituals. You ponies, however, have made the mistake of planting trees that block our way to the stampeding grounds. Which is why I've come to ask you to plant your trees somewhere else."
It was then Braeburn's turn to speak. "I'm sorry if we've made this a problem fer y'all, but the reason we chose ta plant our tree orchard over there is because it's the only flat land around this desert. So if we were ta just leave and look fer another place ta build our town, we wouldn't be able ta plant any new trees."
"Well can't there be some way for Appleloosa and the buffalo tribe to compromise?" Twilight asked.
"Of course there is, isn't it obvious?" I responded. "They can just share the land."
Braeburn and Strongheart were both staring at me as if I slapped a kick me sign on my back. "What'cha mean by 'share'?" Braeburn finally asked.
I then gave him a description. "You know, share: as in living together as friends (which again, you ponies claim to be all about). Like what if you ponies were to make a little dirt path that'll help the buffalo get to their stampeding grounds without having to take down all your trees? That might work."
"I don't know," Braeburn said with doubt. "That idea sounds like it's too good ta be true."
"What if the Buffalo just make themselves a new stampeding ground?" Jonathan suggested. "This desert clearly has tons of space for them to stampede, so what difference does it make if they no longer go the same route?"
"You don't understand," Little Strongheart explained. "My father, Chief Thunderhooves, is very traditional; he would never be lenient towards change that easily."
"Well you're all gonna have to find some middle-ground somehow," I said. "You can't expect to keep fighting forever."
This is when Pinkie Pie started tapping my head and saying, "Oh Jeffrie, Jeffrie, Jeffrie, you can clearly see that talking isn't gonna solve anything. There's only way to get through to them."
"What?"
She then looked at Spike. "Spike, you can play the piano, right?"
...
An hour later, all the ponies and the entire buffalo tribe were crowding around a stage, waiting for what Pinkie is about to tell them all. I was sitting between Sheriff Silverstar and Chief Thunderhooves when Spike started to push some piano keys. Then the curtains rise as everyone watched Pinkie coming out of a clam and wearing either a saloon gal or southwestern whore outfit. What the fuck is she wearing? I thought while also trying my best not to laugh out loud.
But my mirth was slowly turning into misery the second Pinkie had opened her mouth and started to do the most painful thing imaginable: SINGING! I couldn't believe that Pinkie would be cruel enough to torture everyone's ears with a sodomized, half-assed, butchered musical number that sounds like it came out of the ass of a Care Bear and was then eaten by a Teletubby. What has anyone here done to deserve this? All they wanted was a solution to their conflict; not to have to listen to such a generic song with repetitive lyrics. The parts where she sings, "You gotta share! You gotta care!" was really making my brain feel like it was being drilled. The sad thing is, I couldn't do anything to stop it. All I could do was suffer with everyone else while tragic Platoon music was playing in my head.
When the torture finally came to an end, I felt like that I owe the sheriff and buffalo chief an apology. "I'm sorry that you both had to sit through that. I honestly have no idea why any of us thought that Pinkie could solve your problem with that God awful song, but you two at least sort of get what you have to do, right?"
After much contemplation, Chief Thunderhooves gave his answer. "I agree with the human...that was the worst performance we've ever seen. Furthermore, I understand now what we must do. Our stampede will start at high noon tomorrow. And if the orchard is still there, we'll flatten it...and the whole town!"
The sheriff then gave the chief his retort. "And we Appleloosans say you'd better bring yer best, 'cause we'll be ready and waitin'!"
"Hold it!" I raised both my hands. "That's not what I was suggesting! I said 'share the land', not kill each other for it!"
"I'm sorry, but this is our only option." Said Thunderhooves.
"No it's not," I insisted. "You can literally just share this desert without having to fight each other. Is it because of Pinkie? If that's the case, then I promise you that she won't come back if you two just make peace."
"Only one of us can keep this land," Sheriff Silverstar said. "And there is no middle-ground that can stop us."
"Have you two even been listening to me?!" I was starting to get irritated. "Because I'm telling you all that you can settle this without fighting, and yet you two seem to be very eager to go to war!"
"This isn't something we want to do," Thunderhooves replied. "This is something we have to do."
With that said, the buffalo and Appleloosans were heading their separate ways to prepare for war, while me, the guys, Spike, and some of the ponies were each giving Pinkie Pie a death glare.
...
The next day, the guys and I were on a rooftop with Spike and the ponies as we waited for this war between the buffalo and the Appleloosans to begin. You probably might be wondering what they're going to fight with (and it's not guns, that's for sure). No, they have a more powerful weapon than a firearm, and it's pie! Yes, you've read it correctly; these ponies are going to defend their town, with fucking pie! You know, these ponies can't really refer to themselves as cowboys if they don't even have guns. And if these ponies like to sing so much, then they should be singing about the joys and wonder of a Winchester repeater or a carbine rifle.
But that bit of stupidity will have to be put aside seeing as how the buffalo have finally come. When the ponies of Appleloosa laid eyes upon this buffalo army, they immediately started to tremble in fear. In other words, these ponies are about as battle-hardened as Joffrey.
However, we all noticed that Chief Thunderhooves and Sheriff Silverstar might be finally coming to their senses. Each of them were having this understanding look that kinda says, "You know what, maybe we shouldn't fight." It looked like that peace between the ponies and buffalo was closer than we thought...until.
"You gotta share! You gotta care!"
Dammit Pinkie! Yep, just when we thought everything was going to be settled, Pinkie had to go and piss off the buffalo and make them go on a rampage! As much as I was hoping for that pink idiot to get trampled to death for making things worse, she instead was just cast aside. But when Twilight teleported her back to the rooftop, I was quick to chew that bimbo's head off. "Fool of a pony! Get yourself trampled next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
Normally her friends would probably get on to me for yelling at her like that, but they were all too busy looking at the battle that was in front of them. Buffalo crashing through any obstacles, while ponies were throwing pies in their faces, it would seem that it might never end. But it all did...in less than a minute. Everyone suddenly stopped when they saw Chief Thunderhooves get splattered by a pie. We all gathered around him as Little Strongheart and everyone--except me and the guys--started to get teary for some reason.
"You know he's not dead, right?" I pointed out.
"You mean he's alive?" Strongheart asked.
"Of course he is," I assured. "Nobody dies from getting a pie to the face."
As I was saying this, a piece of pie had made its way to the chief's mouth and that's when he had a realization. "We...will allow the apple orchard to stay in exchange for a share of its fruit, heh...those...delicious apple pies!"
Upon hearing this, I was getting closer and closer to snap. "Are you fucking kidding me?! You were ready to wipe out an entire town for your stampeding grounds, and yet pie is what changes your mind?!"
"Well yes, I mean have you not tasted this pie? What made you think I would rather have our stampeding grounds over this?"
"Because your daughter said that you're all about traditions and not accepting towards change."
"Oh who needs traditions when we have pie; besides, it's not like there was another way to prevent war between us."
This is when my boiling point reached its limit. "YOU. ARE. A. TWAT! You never needed these fucking pies to live in peace with these ponies, you could've done that the whole time! I have been literally telling you all this since day one!"
Chief Thunderhooves just gave me a sympathetic look as he said, "You are a sad, strange little creature, and you have my pity." As soon as he was given his fair share of pies, he said, "Farewell." And then he and his tribe went back to their home. "Oh yeah? Well good riddance, you sellout!" I shouted. "God, and I thought these ponies make no fucking sense!"
Andrew tried to calm me down. "OK Jeffrie, just relax."
"No Andrew!" I slapped his hand away. "No! This is not something I can just overlook! We've been living here for over a year, and these ponies still make no fucking sense! First, they say they believe in friendship, then they decide to not show any of that to a zebra! Twilight is the Element of Magic, and yet she always forgets that she has a teleporting spell! They have no problem rescuing Rarity from dogs, and yet they just stand there when Spike almost drowns! This whole world is devoid of all logic; it makes Wonderland look like reality! And now they expect us to believe that the only way buffaloes will live in peace with these ponies is to give them pie?! FUCKING PIE?! Who the fuck is crazy enough to use not having pie as an excuse to go to war!"
Jonathan was then like, "Shh, shh, it's OK Jeffrie. I know this whole world is insane, but it's all over now. Look, there's the train to Ponyville; you want to go home?"
I simply nodded while he and Andrew were leading me to the train that would take us home.
Two weeks. It's been two weeks ever since our little trip to Appleloosa where I had lost my sanity upon seeing the buffalo chief gave up the tradition of his people over pie. That single act of asininity had left a giant scar upon my mind that could only be cured by two weeks of sitting on the couch, watching The Walking Dead, and eating nothing but the ponies' equivalent of Cheetos. I was already on my eighty fourth bag as of today; the weeks I've spent upon had left me with nothing but Cheetos-stained fingers and a shaggy beard to boot. I was just starting the first episode of the fifth season, until the screen immediately went black, and I felt the Cheetos bag being ripped out of my hands.
Taking my eyes off of the screen for the first time, I saw Andrew sitting beside me on my left with the remote in hand, and Jonathan sitting next to me on my right with the bag of Cheetos in his clutches. "Hey man," Andrew spoke, "we've let you sit around by yourself long enough; it's time for you to get moving again."
"Andrew's right, Jeffrie," Jonathan said while munching on some of the Cheetos. "If you keep living like a vegetable for too long, you'll end up dying like one. You're my friend, Jeffrie, and as your pal I feel that it's my personal duty to prevent you from decomposing yourself."
Instead of looking both of my friends in the eye, I could only lower my head and shook it with lost hope. "This world makes no fucking sense," I meekly broke my two weeks of silence.
I felt my shoulder being pat by Andrew's comforting hand. "I know, this world can drive me crazy too. Even Jonathan can't stand it as much as you."
"But as long as we still have each other," Jonathan placed his hand on my other shoulder, "then whatever insanity this world has to muster can't break us."
Hearing these assuring words coming from my best friends manage to renew some of my old spirit back inside. With that renewal I can finally bring myself to smile and not allow myself to be broken by any absurdity that's thrown at me. "You're right," I told the guys. "This all could've been a lot worse had I been alone."
Feeling that they've gotten through to me, Jonathan decided to be the first to say, "Listen Jeffrie, Twilight just invited us to this brunch that's being held at Sugarcube Corner. Do you want to come?"
Reinvigorated to once again to walk amongst this mad world ruled by ponies, I made my legs bring myself off from the couch and declared, "Yes, I will go with you guys...but first I better go freshen up." Making my way towards the bathroom, I left both of my friends to sit upon the couch and silently congratulated one another for bringing back their best friend's sanity.
...
Three minutes later, I practically marched through the town of Ponyville like I was prepared to face a hurricane. Although I've been strolling around at a fast pace, I quickly slowed down once I turned and saw the confused looks the guys were giving me.
"Is there something that you'd like to share with me?" I asked them.
"We thought you said you were going to freshen up," Andrew said first.
"I did," I assured him, "I wasn't going to go out in public with Cheetos stains on my fingers."
"What about your beard?" Jonathan brought up.
"Oh don't worry about that, I already made sure that there weren't any crumbs on my beard."
"I was talking about you shaving it," Jonathan clarified.
"Me shave this beard? Pfft! After all this time I've spent waiting for it to grow back?"
"Couldn't you at least trim it, so it doesn't look so shaggy?" Andrew asked.
"Nah, my beard feels a whole lot better this way." I then let my fingers rub every hair of that beard as I continued walking.
"You know Jeffrie," Jonathan voiced in, "as your friend I feel very obligated to be honest with you at all times, and I honestly think it's kind of weird the way you like rubbing that beard so much."
"Ah, you're just jealous because you don't have a beard of your own to rub." I shut him up.
"Halt!"
"Who goes there?"
We all lost track of whatever we were thinking of once we heard those two commanding voices ring out. Being allowed to observe our surroundings, we found ourselves at Sugarcube Corner at last. As we got close to the front door, we saw two white Pegasus ponies in gold armor standing in the way of the entrance while blocking an intimidated Fluttershy from going in.
"No one. Never mind. I'll go home." Fluttershy meekly backed away.
After she bumped into me, Fluttershy couldn't bring herself to say anything once she saw my face, but instead turned her head away with a red blush covering her yellow face. Taking my eyes off of her, I quickly addressed these two guards. "You know, I haven't been out of my house for two weeks. So would one of you care to explain when the Cake's decided to hire bodyguards?"
"We don't serve the Cake's," the first guard clarified. "We're the royal guards of Princess Celestia."
Hearing that name again suddenly depleted a portion of my good mood. "Celestia's here?"
"Of course," said the second guard. "This brunch is being held in her honor, after all."
Letting myself be silent for a while, my eyes had finally noticed the big chariot that's been parked beside Sugarcube Corner this whole time. Not feeling like going in all of a sudden, I turned my back and said, "Well guys, I guess this is enough outside time for me." My whole body stood in place once as I felt both my arms being gripped tightly by my friends.
"Come on, Jeffrie, you can't let your little grudge with Celestia spoil your day," said Andrew.
"Wait a minute," the first guard exclaimed, "you're that human whom Princess Celestia had electrocuted!"
"Say, you're right," his compatriot agreed. "I almost didn't recognize him with that beard on his face."
Had those guards simply kept their mouths shut, I probably would've been back to the house by now. But the moment they made the mistake of bringing up the time when Celestia struck my ass with lighting in front of me, I just couldn't leave anymore. "I hope you two won't be too offended if I have no recollection of ever meeting you two," I responded.
"Well, we were both still strapped to the chariot when that happened," the first guard clarified, "so I wouldn't expect you to remember us."
"And besides," the second guard continued, "you were too busy screaming like a baboon to even notice us!" the two guards both joined together in a snicker that only added to my irritation.
Not wanting these two pricks to have the last laugh, I decided to refresh their memories of my day of triumph. "Yeah, I suppose that was funny; but it was even funnier when I deflected that other lightning bolt back at her."
That statement alone was all it took to wipe those laughing grins off their faces and look at me with unamused scowls. "You know, you should really consider yourself lucky that our princess is merciful; we wouldn't allow such insolence to go unpunished." The first guard declared.
Taking a couple of steps towards them, I felt that his little threat deserved a retort. "That's some nice armor you got."
"Um...thank you, I guess?"
"Does it come in stallion sizes?"
That little joke of mine earned me two chuckles from the guys and a faint giggle from Fluttershy. But the two guards kept giving me the same scowl as before. "You best watch your mouth, human," the first guard tensed up, "we're trained guards. I was the top in my class when it came to swordplay."
I finally took enough steps too close enough to that prick's personal space. "I bet you might be able to pull that sword out just in time to stab me, if my fist doesn't end up knocking you out first. Maybe if I had been a couple of spaces away from you, you just might've had a good head start; but since I'm practically right next to you, you'd just be able to wrap that hoof of yours onto that hilt before I punch you."
Had this guard been a unicorn he would've easily used his magic to slide that sword out of his sheathe. But this guard was a pegasus, and would have to depend on the speed of his hoof if he expected to plunge that blade into my gut. Before either of us even thought of making a move, we were broken out of our thoughts by the sound of Twilight's voice. "It's all right, sirs. They're on the list."
While Fluttershy and the guys made their ways into the candy store, I shared a few more words with the guard. "Well, I guess I better leave you to your post. I might even get you a drink, later." If I don't forget about it.
Sugarcube Corner hasn't been this packed since Pinkie Pie threw us that party. No sooner had we entered did the guys and I spotted three empty chairs that were clearly meant for us. I didn't pay too much attention to what was happening around me; I mostly just sat near this long table, drinking coke, while occasionally rubbing my beard now and then.
"Could you please stop rubbing that beard already?!" Jonathan voiced his complaint.
"Is this beard on your face?" I asked him.
"No?"
"Then you don't get to decide when I can or can't rub it."
After shutting up Jonathan, I finally noticed that Applejack seemed rather reluctant to eat any of the food that laid in front of her. "Uh...which is the salad, and which is the appetizer again? And which am I suppose ta eat first?"
"You know Applejack, if you're so hungry then just eat something." Andrew told her. "You don't have to starve yourself."
"Normally I'd inclined ta agree with ya," said Applejack, "but since the princess is here, I don't want ta look ill-mannered in front of her."
"Applejack, I think it goes without saying that your princess could care less about how you eat." I told her. "In fact, I bet that when Celestia is in her bedroom and nobody's around, she probably takes a big plate of cake to her bed and pigs out!" I then started to show them my interpretation of Celestia stuffing her face. "And also, I bet that if she gets bits of it stuck in her, she probably sticks it in her mouth and just suck it all off!"
"Jeffrie, I can hear everything you're saying about me." That's when I finally realized that Princess Celestia has been sitting in front of me this whole time.
Seeing that irritated look on her face was the encouragement I need to say something back to her. Had I been Andrew or Jonathan, I would've simply kept my mouth shut. But the temptation to talk back was just too strong for me to resist. Which is why I took it upon myself to utter the greatest comeback that has ever been said by any smartass. "Congratulations, you're not deaf." I bet some of you were expecting me to say, "Well excuse me, princess!" but don't worry, I'll save that one for later. Nothing could have made this moment any better than the sound of all the ponies gasping together. I turned around and gazed upon the sight of wide-eyed ponies with gapping mouths that could catch flies. Man, I didn't think my comeback could leave anyone this speechless.
Turning myself back around and chugging down more coke, I manage to pick up the pitter-patter of hooves that were coming to the table. These hoofsteps were of course the result of Mr. Cake rushing to fill up Celestia's teacup. "Oh, um...thank you." Celestia gave her gratitude.
"Not at all, Your Highness." Mr. Cake gave a bow.
After taking one little sip, her cup was immediately refilled by Mrs. Cake. "Thank you again."
"Oh, but of course, Your Majesty." Mrs. Cake bowed as well.
Celestia kept on sipping and sipping each round of tea that was given to her until she let out a fake sip and tricked them into filling an already full cup. "Gotcha!"
If that rainbow-mane troll thought I was going to allow her to out prank me she was sadly mistaken. I needed to show this princess how a pro gets it done, and luckily for me my prayers came in the form of Ponyville's residential drama queen.
"Don't touch me! Watch the dress! Careful, you're gonna spill that on me! Oh, oh, that looks delicious. What is it? Oh, does it stain?! Keep it away from me!"
Ah Rarity, sometimes she just makes teasing her way too easy for me. After taking one last sip of my coke, I made sure to let the guys get up to speed on my plan. "Hey, you guys want to play a little game?"
"That'll depend on what the game's about," said Andrew.
"Oh nothing to complicated," I told them. "Just a little something that I like to call: Tease the Drama Queen." I was kind enough to even give them an example. "Oh my God, Rarity, there's a loose thread on your dress!"
"What?!" Rarity shrieked. "Where?! Where?! I made doubly sure that this dress is in pristine condition! There couldn't possibly be a thread out of place!"
The three of us were practically coughing with laughter after witnessing Rarity's freak out. It was now Andrew's turn to take a hit at her paranoia. "Good God, Rarity, someone just stepped on your dress!"
"Dear me! I better not find a single hoofprint anywhere! If I do, then somepony will pay dearly for this!"
We each pretty much had no choice but to bite our own fist just to contain our laughter by this point. It was now time for Jonathan to finish this little game with a bang. "Oh no, Rarity, there's a big tear on your dress!"
After a combination of eye twitches and fast heavy breathing, Rarity delivered a grand finale of a performance. "Tear? Tear?! No, no, no, no, no, no! Of all the worst things that could happen to me today! This is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!"
All three of our faces were becoming red from the guffaws that we've been holding back. My brief moment of mirthfulness, however, was quickly eradicated once my eyes had set upon the unamused look Celestia was giving me--she even add in a raised eyebrow for extra measure. "Ah, don't give me that look," I brushed it off. "You're just jealous because we thought of it before you did."
Not even bothering to give me a reply, Celestia turned her attention to Fluttershy. "And what about you, dear? Fluttershy, is it?"
"Me? Oh yes, Your Highness."
"I understand from Twilight Sparkle's letters that you enjoy tending to the needs of woodland creatures."
"Yes, I love to take care of animals."
"As do I. As Princess, I care deeply about all creatures, great and small." During this little conversation, the guys and I coulda sworn that we heard a sickly cough. "Nothing means more to me than the well-being of all my subjects." That same cough we heard earlier started to sound much harsher than before. "Ah, Philomena, my pet. You're awake. Do say hello to our gracious hosts."
That's when we all finally notice the source of the coughing. Beside Celestia was a gilded cage; and within that cage we saw a sickly-looking bird with pale red feathers, and it had eyes and a beak that made it look like something out of The Flintstones.
"Oh...my." Fluttershy summed up our current reactions.
"She is quite a sight, isn't she?" said Celestia.
After Philomena let out another cough and lost a few feathers, Jonathan decided to ask the one question that either one of us wanted to be answered. "Is she supposed to be like that?"
"Philomena?" said Celestia. "Oh no, she's just going through a phase at this time."
"You sure she doesn't just have the bird flu?" instead of laughs, my little witty remark earned me nothing but groans from the guys.
"No, Jeffrie, no." Jonathan sighed.
One of Celestia's guards trotted up to her and whispered a little something in her ear that made her stand up. "I'm sorry, everypony." She announced. "I'm afraid I have to cut the party short. The mayor has requested an audience with me. Royal duty calls. Thank you for a wonderful time. It's been a joy getting to know you all better."
As Celestia and her guards left, we heard a relieved Applejack say, "Phew! Now I can eat someth'n! I'm starved!" Sadly for her, all the food that was right in front was quickly swiped away by Mr. Cake.
"You should've eaten something while you had the chance." I wagged my finger at her.
"I can still have takeout." She stated with mild annoyance.
The guys and I sat back and watch each pony make their leave towards the exit. Pinkie cartwheeled her way out with a lot of giggles; Rarity--being the drama queen that she is--chose to go out with a big finale. "Stay right where you are. All I want is a clear path to the exit. Nopony move and my dress won't get hurt! Stay back! Back, I say!" And Applejack--true to her word--balanced a couple of plates of food on the muzzle as she made her way to the exit.
Feeling like she accomplished something, Twilight turned to Spike and said, "Well, Spike, I don't know for sure how things went with the princess, but at least no big disasters happened."
"Hey Twilight," Andrew called out, "is there a reason why that bird isn't in her cage?"
"What!" no sooner had Twilight let out that yelp did we all see that Andrew wasn't fucking around; that birdcage really was sans Philomena. Being the paranoid pony that she is, Twilight began to have a panic attack. "Oh no. Nonononononono! This is bad. Who in their right mind would do something as crazy as letting Princess Celestia's pet loose?!" She contemplated this mystery for a while until she jerked her head in my direction and shoved an accusing hoof in my face. "It was you, wasn't it?! You never get along with Celestia, so you purposely let her bird out to get back at her."
Pushing her hoof aside, I then made my case. "First of all, Twilight, I already got back at Celestia by deflecting that lightning bolt at her; second, what makes you think I would gain anything by setting her half dead bird free?"
"I don't know, but it definitely has you written all over it!"
"Oh really? And what proof do you have that it was me? Did you even see me go near the cage?"
"No... I admit I didn't actually see you anywhere near it. But why should I believe that you didn't do it?"
"Other than the fact that I would've remembered doing such a thing in the first place?"
Understanding well enough that there's no way she could possibly counter argue that bit of logic, Twilight could only let out a huff as a sign of her defeat. Not wanting to see this turn into a lengthy debate, Jonathan quickly gave us an idea. "Fluttershy seemed awfully concerned about that bird. Maybe you could ask her?"
"All right, I'll go check on Fluttershy," she then turned to me, "but you're coming with me!"
"Sure, if it'll shut you up."
...
The next ten minutes were spent on mostly walking in bitter silence as we made our way to Fluttershy's cottage. Neither one of us dared to look one another in the eye; it was one of those rare occurrences where someone actually took the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything" method to heart. Despite this brooding silence, we were able to get to Fluttershy's cottage in the end.
I allowed Twilight to knock the door, but not even bothering to wait for Fluttershy to open it, Twilight just marches right in and says, "Hi Fluttershy! Listen, there's a little dilemma that just happened back at Sugarcube Corner, and we were wondering if you could help...?" after I followed her in and closed the door behind me, it was at this moment that Twilight and I saw Philomena sitting upon a stool with a plethora of molted feathers taped to her body. "What is Celestia's pet doing here?!"
"I couldn't leave the poor thing there. She needed my help." Fluttershy explained.
I figured that now was a good time to rub this in Twilight's face. "Ha! I told you I didn't let that bird out of its cage!"
"Twilight, how could you even suggest such a thing?!" Fluttershy scolded her. "Jeffrie maybe mean at times, but even he wouldn't stoop to that!"
Well it's nice to know that Fluttershy thinks I have standards. Too bad that her little chastising wasn't enough to make Twilight forget that her shy friend just stole a princess' pet. "Fluttershy, just what the hay you were thinking?!"
"How could I just walk away and not do anything?" Fluttershy spoke in her defense.
"But...but...she doesn't belong to you!" Twilight retorted.
"I had to do something."
"Without telling anypony?! Without asking permission?!"
Their discussion was immediately halted by the sound of Philomena coughing.
Finally getting her composure under control, Twilight Sparkle actually attempted to reason with Fluttershy. "I know you had good intentions, but you've got to return the princess' pet!"
"But...." Fluttershy couldn't bring herself to keep arguing once she heard Philomena take a deep wheezy breath. "You're right. OK, let's..." Philomena let out another cough, "...go."
The idea of failing to cure an animal's illness may have been too heartbreaking for Fluttershy, but she didn't waste any time in putting Philomena in a basket and preparing to return her to Celestia. Just as I open the door for us to leave, we found the entrance being blocked by the same guards from before!
"We were told we could find Twilight Sparkle here." Said the first guard.
Stepping aside so as to give the guards a clear view of Twilight trembling behind me, the more than nervous unicorn tread carefully forward.
"We regret to inform you, miss, that the royal pet has gone missing." The second guard told her.
"Really? You don't say!" she let out a less than subtle laugh that could honestly make anyone feel suspicious.
Despite being covered in a basket, Philomena's coughs could still be heard. In attempt to fool the guards, Twilight and Fluttershy both let out excessive coughs to block out any of Philomena's; I joined in as well, but since I wanted to have more fun, I chose to add some fierce hacks to my fake coughs.
"I'm very sorry," I made my voice crack a little to give it a hoarse effect, "we all just got ourselves infected by this rare disease."
"Really? What's it called?" the second guard inquired.
"It's called..." trying to think up of a fictional disease as fast as possible, I just blurted out the first thing that came to my head. "Stick-it-to-the-man-noisis."
"Is it contagious?"
"Oh yeah, it can spread just from one little touch." Covering my fake cough with my right hand, I purposely place my left hand onto the first guard's muzzle until he shook his head to get it off. "I really envy those two," I pointed to Twilight and Fluttershy, "they just have to deal with a little coughing here and then, but it's much worse if you're a guy. Not only do I cough, but I also get constant diarrhea, I'm always thirsty, my bones become brittle, and I slowly start to lose my vision, and... oh no! I think my privates are going numb!" ending it all with an over-the-top cough directed at the guards, I chuckled to myself as I watch the two of them flee in terror. Closing the door, I turned around and was greeted by a stern look from Twilight that said "seriously?"
"You could've been more subtle," she criticized me.
"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" I shrug it off.
Wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible, Fluttershy tried to get close to the door but was immediately stopped by Twilight. "What are you doing?!" she hollered.
"Going to return Philomena, remember?" said Fluttershy.
"We can't now!"
"Why not?"
"You have no idea what the princess is gonna do if she finds you're the one who took her pet, do you?!"
"Do you?"
"Well...no. But it can't be anything good. She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!"
"Whoa there, Twilight," I stopped her, "I know Celestia might be a bit of a bitch but even that seems too far for her. In any case, she'll probably just chew Fluttershy out, instead."
"She's gonna eat me?!" cried the timid pegasus.
"No Fluttershy, it's just a figure of speech. (I have Asperger's and even I never took that phrase literally.)"
"OK, granted none of that would probably happen," Twilight admitted, "but do you really want to take that chance?"
"All that really matters to me is that poor little Philomena here gets well." Fluttershy answered.
Another cough from that sick bird was enough to win Twilight over to Fluttershy's side--sort of. "That's very noble of you. I'll write to you when you're banished. Unless I'm banished to somewhere that has no post office. Then you'll have to write to me. Deal?"
"Please Twilight. You just have to help me get Philomena healthy and then we can return her to the princess. And everything will be fine."
"Did you give her any kind of medicine?"
"I tried to, but she wouldn't take it."
Hearing her mention this brought back memories of when my folks would have to hold me down whenever they tried to make me take medicine and judging by the next words that Twilight's about to say, she's probably planning on doing that. "Then you have to make her take it." She stated. "You can't be such a pushover, Fluttershy! You need to show this patient who's the boss. Make her straighten up and fly right!"
Boy, Twilight better hope she never finds herself in a situation that requires her to stand up for herself and act like a pushover instead. Because just like a Telltale game character, I'm going to remember that. Anyway, Twilight takes this big pill that was lying on one of Fluttershy's tables, opened Philomena's beak like a trash can, and dropped it in and made her eat it. I never could understand why doctors insist on making pills so big; do they really have no idea how to make them smaller while still having the same effect, or do they purposely want people to choke?
"Done. OK, what else?" Twilight felt ready for the next procedure.
"Uh...well, she keeps pulling her feathers off. The ones that haven't fallen out yet from all her coughing, I mean." Said Fluttershy.
"There you go." Twilight quickly put a dog cone over Philomena's head. I always thought that they're only meant for dogs, but they can apparently be used on birds as well. And much like any dog that wears one, Philomena immediately tried taking it off.
"I don't think she likes it." Fluttershy pointed out with concern.
"Tough love, baby." You know, I almost would've been surprised to hear Twilight say that, but then I remembered that this is the same unicorn who has no problem putting her child assistant in harm's way, so I shouldn't be too surprised if that's the justification she uses. "Next!"
"Well, she desperately needs some bed rest, but I can't get her to stay put."
"One step ahead of you."
Philomena moved from having a cone on her head to being stuck in a cage covered by a blanket. If the plan was to make her sleep, then the sound of her screaming and jerking around is all the sign one needs to know that they've failed. While Fluttershy tried to soothe her down, Twilight finally took notice of the bowl of tomato soup that's been lying on another table.
"What's this soup over here? Smells delicious." Twilight complimented the soup, even though it looks as if it would've been cold by now.
"I made it for Philomena." Fluttershy explained. "But she wouldn't eat it."
"Oh, she'll eat it, all right."
Twilight gazed at the cage with a rather overly devious look as she lifted the blanket off the cage and gave the soup a clear opening for Philomena. That bird must've thought Twilight was trying to poison her, what with that devilish look I mentioned earlier, because as I open the door to leave, she lets out a big scream as she made a run for the opened door. This of course meant that we had to pursue her by means of a Benny Hill styled chase.
Those two weeks I've spent in the house really took a huge chunk of my energy. I could barely keep up with the ponies as they were both chasing after Philomena; although, lagging behind did allow me to spot that bird perching atop a tree that Twilight and Fluttershy were running around. After I shout out to them, Philomena quickly made a jump for it and continued her fleeing. We ran around some more until we stopped at a bench where Philomena, wearing a brown mustache, has been sitting on this whole time. The weirdest part is the fact that Fluttershy and Twilight actually felled for it. After giving myself a face palm, I did what anybody with a high functioning brain would do; I swat the newspaper away, grabbed Philomena by the neck, pulled off her fake moustache, and allowed both ponies to let the fact that they've been duped by a disguise even two year olds wouldn't fall for sink in. Sadly though, I didn't hold onto her for too long; the damn bird bit my thumb so hard that it made me lose my grip on her while also giving me an idea on how my mom must've felt after being bitten by a penguin. As the chase continued, Twilight and Fluttershy both slowed down their pace to sneak past the same guards from before. I, on the other hand, decided to let out another fake cough for the sake of freaking those two out again, just to take my mind off the pain that bird gave me. We then partook in that classic routine of running into a bunch of doors; I ran out one door riding on Twilight's back, I ran out another giving Fluttershy a piggyback ride, I pursued Philomena to one door with a net, only to be chased into another door by her while carrying a giant battle axe. It kept going on until both ponies bumped into one another, and I ended up tripping on those two.
As we resumed our quest of tracking down that sick bird, we all found ourselves being pestered by the unnecessary appearance of Rainbow Dash. "What are you three doing? Are you having a race? Oh, can I play? One, two, three, go!"
While I pray that Rainbow Dash would keep flying all over the world, we finally stopped at a fountain where the rest of Twilight's friends and mine just happen to be hanging around. While Fluttershy and Twilight kept looking for Philomena, I just stood where I am and let out a ton of heavy exhales in attempt to catch my breath. I kept on exhaling until I felt my back receive a hard pat from Andrew's strong hand.
"Damn Jeffrie, you look like you ran a whole mile." He told me.
Jonathan took this time to ask, "So, did you and Twilight find...?"
"The princess' pet bird!" both guards shouted in unison as they pointed to us the sight of Philomena standing on top of the fountain.
Nearly all her feathers had molted off her body, all except one on the tip of her tail; but that last feather plucked itself out as fast as a blink, and poor Philomena could do nothing but let out her last coughs and plummet off the fountain. Fluttershy tried to catch her in time, but no one--not even her--saw it coming when the naked bird burst into flames and turned into a pile of ashes the moment Fluttershy's hooves caught them. Oh, that's what she meant when she said, "going through a phase". I thought of this sudden realization in my head.
"What's going on here?" if the guards were here, then that only meant that Celestia was close behind. "Twilight?"
Feeling like a student speaking to the principal, Twilight did her best to look her mentor in the eyes and said, "Yes, Your Majesty, there's been a terrible accident."
"What are you talking about?" I contradicted her. "You're making it sound like she's dead."
Fluttershy looked at me with her teary eyes in confusion. "What? B-but we saw her turn to ashes."
"Yeah, all phoenixes do that." I educated her.
"What?!" she and Twilight cried in unison.
Celestia paid none of us any mind as her only interest seems to be in the ashes that used to be Philomena. "Stop fooling around, Philomena. You're scaring everypony."
We were taken back when the ashes scattered everywhere, and up in the sky we watched in awe as the once goofy looking half-dead bird transformed into a magnificent creature with blazing red and orange feathers! Seeing Philomena in her true form gave the guys and I the feeling anyone may have when seeing an eagle or a condor for the first time; even the squawk she lets out somehow makes her more majestic.
"I don't understand!" Fluttershy was dumbfounded. "What is that thing?"
"That's called a phoenix," Jonathan enlightened her. "I thought you're an animal expert."
While Fluttershy blushed in embarrassment, I gave Jonathan a light elbow to the gut for making her feel that way. Princess Celestia took this time to go in detail with Fluttershy.
"A phoenix is a majestic and magical bird. While it appears healthy and happy most of the time, every so often it must renew itself by shedding all of its feathers and bursting into flame. (Rather melodramatic, if you ask me.) It then rises from the ashes, fresh as a daisy. All just a normal part of the life cycle of a phoenix. I'm afraid mischievous little Philomena here took the occasion to have a little fun with you, Fluttershy. Say you're sorry, young lady."
Philomena squawked in way that I assume is her way of saying, "I'm sorry."
"You mean you can understand what that bird says?" Andrew inquired.
"Of course, Andrew." Celestia stated. "It's not impossible."
While that bizarre statement left the three of us puzzled, Fluttershy took the chance to ask, "So... aren't you gonna banish me? Or throw me in a dungeon? Or banish me and then throw me in a dungeon in the place that you banish me too?"
"Of course not, my little pony." Celestia chuckled. "Where on Earth would you get such an idea?"
"I guess I have some imagination."
"No, you got of all that from Twilight, remember?" the Aspie part of me reminded her.
My sense of honesty earned me a glare from Twilight that she normally gives to Spike on occasion. Anyway, after Twilight tells her mentor what she learned from all this, Fluttershy received a feather from Philomena as a token of her appreciation. But before that phoenix was about to get back in its cage, Rainbow Dash whispered a little something to her. We watched as she tickled one of the guards' muzzle with her feathers, which then resulted in him laughing and all the other ponies joining in as well. The guys and I just stood there, not really knowing what's so funny about this.
"These ponies have a strange sense of humor." I declared.
Today wasn't as eventful as yesterday. All three of us seemed to feel like doing nothing but sit on our asses and binge watch good episodes of Family Guy while eating cereal straight from the box. We each lost count of how many episodes we were on; all I remember is suddenly recalling an old memory of mine after seeing the cutaway of Peter narrating his own life. After that brief gag was over, I decided to share this memory of mine to my pals.
"You know I once tried to do that myself."
"What? You mean narrate your own life?" Jonathan swallowed what these ponies pass as Froot Loops before asking me this question.
"Well, not my entire life, exactly," I clarified, "I would always just start randomly narrate everything I do during my video productions class."
"What made you want to do that?" Andrew inquired.
"Mostly just for the fun of it," I admitted. "I didn't do it all the time, though; it just sort of went and gone."
"Probably because you couldn't do that for an entire day." Jonathan muttered.
That little statement of his didn't go unnoticed. "You trying to say something, Jonathan?" I pressed on.
He then looked me straight in the eyes and gave me his honest opinion. "I may not be right on a lot of things, but I know for a fact that you wouldn't go through an entire day of doing nothing but narrating to yourself without getting tired of it; not even if I were to bet twenty-five bucks."
"Why don't we find out?"
Luckily I'd said all that right before Jonathan could shove more Froot Loops into his mouth, otherwise he'd be choking out of the shock of my suggestion. "You're fucking with me, right?" he double checked. "You've got to be fucking with me right now."
"Nope, I really want to take your bet."
"Just for twenty-five dollars?" said Andrew.
"That, and because I'm really curious to see how the ponies will react to this."
After much careful pondering, Jonathan had a few things to add, "All right Jeffrie, if you can go through the next twenty-four hours doing nothing but narrating, I'll give you twenty-five bucks." I was prepared to shake his hand on it, but he still went on. "However, if you lose then you're shaving that beard off. And let's make one thing clear, you can do absolutely nothing but narrate: so no making small talk with anyone. If you even so much as wish someone a good morning, then the bet's off. Deal?" He finally extended his hand out to me as a sign of making this bet official. Some of you might be thinking it ridiculous of me to partake in such a gamble for a few measly bucks, but I can honestly say that I was not daunted--not even the slightest--by this challenge Jonathan has prepared for me. Without a single moment of hesitation, I slapped my hand onto Jonathan's as we both made this bet official.
"As soon as I was done shaking hands with Jonathan, I made my way to the bathroom for a quick piss." I narrated out loud. "Right when I raised the toilet seat up, I stopped just as I was prepared to pull down my zipper and was surprised to see the guys standing behind from a distance."
"Just making sure that you don't lose the bet early."
"Jonathan made his justification clear to me. Personally, I find it a little extreme that he'll go so far as to follow me in the bathroom, but if he's so adamant about keeping an eye on me then I guess he and Andrew wouldn't mind seeing my hairy ass while I take a leak. First, I pull down my zipper and let my jeans drop, then I tuck both of my thumbs carefully into my boxers as I slowly pull it down..."
"Oh God no! We're out of here!"
"I let out a soft chuckle upon hearing Andrew squeal out in panic as he dragged Jonathan by the vest and led him and himself out before one of their eyes would gaze upon a sight that would probably scar their memories forever. After I drained every ounce of urine that my bladder has been carrying for today, I wipe the rest of it off with a piece of toilet paper, dropped it in the toilet, flushed it, and immediately made my way out the door and into the town of Ponyville where I plan to find as many ponies as possible who will notice me narrating out loud.
"The guys trailed behind me during my stroll, even though they are more than welcome to walk beside me as usual they for some reason decide that it's best for them not to be seen near me. As I continue walking, I suddenly bring myself to a stop as I witness a rather curious sight; Twilight Sparkle was bouncing around the Cutie Mark Crusaders while constantly shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" like a raving lunatic. Being understandably creeped out by this, the three girls took the opportunity to sneak away and leave Twilight with no one except a bunch of onlookers wondering on what the fuck is wrong with Twilight. Everyone just stood where they were in an awkward manner until they all decided to disperse and go on with their lives. Seeing that there's no point for me to stay any longer, I went back to walking through this little town.
"I walked past Lyra and Bon-Bon who unsurprisingly gave me sideway glances upon seeing me talking to no one in particular. I then found myself getting closer to a nearby peanut stand that's being operated by a muscular white male pegasus with a yellow buzz cut; as I got closer, I noticed Octavia was first in line to buy some peanuts while being totally unaware of the black male pegasus with a blue Mohawk staring very perversely at her butt from behind. She must've overheard what I just said because as soon as I walked past them, I manage to pick up the sound of a slap to the face; a bit of me can't help but feel that that perverted pegasus is probably cursing me for a cock blocker right now. After walking in no direction other than straight for the past few minutes, I decided to make a right turn when I saw Sugarcube Corner close ahead.
"I ducked my head as I moved forward under the still small door and found the Mane 6 embracing one another in a group hug, probably the result of some friendship problem that I can honestly careless about. I even spotted the Cutie Mark Crusaders amongst them, up to yet another whacky scheme to discover their Cutie Marks no doubt. As I expected, they all looked at me with perplexity as each of them are probably wondering why the Hell am I talking out loud to myself? Nevertheless, I didn't pay too much attention on them; for just at the same time the guys finally caught up, and I can finally close that door that these ponies seem intent on leaving open. I mean, don't they realize they're just gonna let bugs in? Anyway, I decided to give my legs a breather as I sat down upon a nearby chair and helped myself to a cupcake...vhe cuys stuud mex tu vhe pomies..."
"You don't need to narrate when your mouth's full, Jeffrie. Lord knows we wouldn't want you to choke."
"...I was both relieved and surprised that Jonathan chose to allow this exception out of concern for my wellbeing. Then again, he wouldn't be much of a good friend if he didn't bother to show some care for me or Andrew once in a while."
"Can one of you explain why Jeffrie is doing this?"
"Rainbow Dash asked with curiosity."
"I made a bet with him that if he goes through a day narrating everything, I'll pay him twenty-five dollars."
"Jonathan explained the situation."
"And, uh...what happens if he loses?"
"Fluttershy inquired with a dash of anxiety in her voice."
"Eek, oh dear! I'm sorry! Did that sound too paranoid?!"
"No, no, it's totally all right,"
"Andrew assured her."
"Nothing too serious will happen to him; he'll just have to shave his beard."
"That's it?"
"The way Applejack said that question alone shows that she didn't seem to see my predicament as such a big deal."
"Because it ain't!"
"Why Applejack felt the need to raise her voice like that, I have no idea, nor do I care. Getting tired of looking at these ponies, I pulled out my cellphone and played some Candy Crush. First I have to wait for the damn menu screen to load up, start the game, begin the level I'm at, and now I can finally play. It is a simple round of getting rid of the jellies, while also having to get rid of bomb candies. First, I swiped a yellow candy, then I swiped a green candy and got myself a striped one in the process, I searched the entire screen to see if I could form a wrapped candy, and to my luck I found one. However, the moment I touched the blue candy, instead of going in the direction I want it to go my damn finger once again does this annoying habit of swiping it in the wrong direction and letting a bunch of other blue candies ruin the shape. I then swiped some orange candy while managing to remove three jellies in a row, and that's when I saw a whole row of purple candy that's waiting for me to turn it into a color bomb. Without wasting any time, I eagerly pushed the candy into place and would've used that bomb had my screen not suddenly pop up and tell me that the candy bomb has gone off. Turning the game off and putting my phone back in my pocket in contained rage, I looked back at the ponies and managed to receive some form of stress relief by seeing Rarity pick her nose!"
"Don't listen to him! I wasn't picking, I was simply scratching the outside of my muzzle!"
"Rarity denied in a desperate attempt preserve her already tarnished reputation as a proper lady while also wiping her hoof off of any boogers with a tissue which she levitated with her magic."
"I was not picking my nose!"
"Gee Rarity, I never would have imagined you of all ponies to do something like that in public."
"Sweetie Belle unintentionally rubbed more humiliation in her sister's face with that little statement."
"Will somepony please change the subject already!"
"It's little outburst like that which serves to make Rarity all the more tolerable to put up with."
"Just how much longer does he have to do this?!"
"Rarity groaned in frustration."
"Just for twenty-four hours."
"Jonathan told the irritated tailor."
"FASHION DESIGNER!"
"Damn, if I could somehow piss Rarity off any further, she just might burst into flames the same way Twilight did."
"Now Jonathan, did you set the bet to be exactly twenty-four hours?"
"Twilight wanted to make sure she heard it correctly."
"Yes, exactly twenty-four hours."
"Jonathan confirmed."
"So you're not at all worried that his constant narration might keep you boys up all night?"
"The moment she brought that up, I looked at Jonathan and felt nothing but bliss upon seeing the shocked expression that seems to be saying, 'Dear God, what have I done?' A devilish smirk slowly formed upon my face as I now realize that I can be able to win this bet early."
"If Jeffrie keeps me up all night, I'm punching you as hard as I can."
"Andrew gave the already petrified Jonathan a threat."
...
"My body leaned on the left side of the bed, but I decided to turn to the right! It felt comfy for a while, until I had the urge to turn back to the left! Either because of my lack of a fan to keep me cool, or my constant narrating, I just can't seem to fall asleep! If only Jonathan would just come into my room and accept defeat, maybe I can finally go to sleep and not have to be raising my voice so damn loud!"
As if on cue, my door was immediately kicked open by a more than enraged Jonathan as he slammed a twenty and a five-dollar bill upon my nightstand and shout, "Here, you won the bet! Now go the fuck to sleep!"
After he slammed my door shut and stomped back to his room, I put my reward in a drawer for safe keeping as I laid my head back and finally allowed my eyes--and my mouth--a well-earned rest.
Last night, a big meteor shower was witnessed by the Mane 6 and the other citizens of Ponyville. Of course, we were invited to partake in this once in a lifetime event, but since I was too tired that night (and also didn't really have much interest in watching a bunch of meteors fly by), I chose to sleep that night and just let the guys go watch it without me. Today, the guys and I decided to take a walk through Ponyville while I listen to both of them explaining what happened during that previous night.
"So after the meteor shower was over," Jonathan gave his overview, "we all decided to get some punch, but Spike had fallen asleep right in the punch bowl, and Pinkie literally said that the punch was now 'Spiked'."
Even though I had just gotten out of bed, I'm still able to groan at that bad pun of hers. "Yeah, we had the same reaction, man." Said Andrew.
We soon found ourselves nearly approaching Twilight's place where which the Mane 6 were crowded amongst one another in a deep conversation. After receiving a beckoning gesture from Twilight, the three of us decided to get close enough to them where we finally noticed the brown owl that's been perching on Twilight's back.
"I bet you're wondering why I have an owl with me?" Twilight somehow read our thoughts.
"How'd you guess?" Jonathan pretended to be surprised.
"Well, this is the first time you three are meeting Owlowiscious, and since I was planning on introducing him to all my friends today, I figured it was a no brainer."
"When did you get this owl?" Andrew inquired.
"Last night."
"And you already gave it a name?" I said.
"I know, it almost feels like we were meant to meet!"
"Oh, what a fantastical, flufflicious feathery little friend! I'm...Hooked!" Pinkie put a lot of emphasis on the hoo in hooked. While the ponies laughed at that obvious owl pun, the guys and I could do nothing but pinch the bridge of our noses.
"He's just wonderful." Fluttershy complemented.
"'He's just wonderful.'" The mocking sound of Spike's voice didn't go unnoticed by anyone. "Uh, yes. Wonderful. He's quite...the charmer."
Sensing that bit of tension in Spike's voice, I quickly asked Twilight, "Is it OK if I go talk to Spike?"
"Sure, go ahead." Twilight gave her permission.
Making my way into Twilight's treehouse, I went up the spiral stairs and found the little dragon sulking by the window. "Hey, how's my favorite dragon?" I gave a little complement in the hope that it may lighten Spike's mood.
"Oh, hey Jeffrie." Spike gave me a nonchalant greeting before turning his eyes back to that owl.
"Say, I noticed that you don't seem too thrilled about that new bird Twilight's bragging about," I went straight to the point. "Is something wrong?"
The little dragon looked up at me with eyes full of sadness as he made his confession. "I think Twilight's wanting to replace me."
"With the bird?" I said. "Come on, Spike, I know Twilight can be a tad hard towards you now and then, but I'm sure she would never replace you; especially if it's some owl she just found last night."
"Well this morning, I ended up sleeping late, and Twilight tells me that all my usual chores have already been taken care of by Owlowiscious. Not only that, but the same ponies who were just praising me last night, are now giving that owl the exact same praise. And just look at that!" he pointed his claw back to the owl--who's now donning a big red bowtie with little diamonds embedded on it. "Rarity's now giving him the exact same bowtie she made for me last night! I'm just scared, Jeffrie. What if all my friends start to like him more than me? What if they all forget about me altogether?!"
Not being able to withstand any more of this poor kid's turmoil, I placed a comforting hand on his scaly shoulder and said, "Hey, they're not the only friends you've got; I should know, I'm one of them, am I not?"
"Of course you're my friend," Spike said with assurance. "And you wouldn't forget about me?"
"I could never do that to you." It was at this point where I finally became serious with him. "Look Spike, I don't want to see you feel sad or left out; so if you ever start feeling like Twilight's not giving you enough attention, you can always stay with me and the guys for as long as you like."
"You mean it?"
"Absolutely. The guys and I would just love to have you as a guest."
As I got up to make my leave, I was stopped by the sound of Spike's voice. "Jeffrie, thanks for listening to me."
"You're welcome," I told the little dragon. "And remember, my door is always open to you." Little did I know that Spike's visit would begin much sooner than expected.
...
Our day wasn't as eventful as yesterday. The three of us felt like today is an off day for us to just lie around the couch and binge watch episodes of Futurama. We've been watching so many episodes throughout the whole day that it turned to night in a matter of seconds. Over the sound of Bender telling anyone to bite his "shiny metal ass," we all heard rainfall coming from the outside; luckily it wasn't a thunderstorm, so Andrew and I had nothing to fret about. What did startle all of us was the sudden knocking that came from our door.
Judging by the rapid sound of those knocks, I immediately rushed towards the door as if whoever was knocking would be eaten by a lion if I didn't open it in time. After twisting the knob and pushing the door forward, I looked out, only to find nothing but the rain pouring down on Ponyville. I would've simply closed the door and head back to the couch had I not bothered to look down and see a shivering Spike leaning his head down and carrying a small bag by a long stick standing upon our doorway.
"Oh God, Spike, get in here!" I beckoned the little dragon to enter our house where it's nice and warm.
Acting like doctors trying to make room for a patient, Andrew and Jonathan wasted no time in getting off their spots on the couch and allowed all the space for Spike. "What were you doing in the rain, Spike?" Andrew asked him.
"Planning on going somewhere, were you?" said Jonathan, making note of the stick and bag that was placed on the table.
After we were all silent for a while, the three of us picked up what sounded like sniffles coming from the drenched little dragon sitting upon our couch. "Spike?" placing my finger under his chin, I slowly lifted his head up to reveal a waterfall of tears streaming down his face. "Spike, what's wrong?" as if by instinct, Andrew handed me a tissue to wipe some of the tears off the poor kid's face before he took it from me and blew his snout by himself.
Clutching the tissue with his claws, Spike tried his best to hold back his sobs as he told us, "T-twilight doesn't l-l-love me anymore."
Those words hit us like an atomic bomb. To think that only yesterday he was worried that Twilight might end up stop loving him (assuming that she ever loved him to begin with), and now his worst nightmare seems to be coming true just like that. "What makes you so sure of that?" Jonathan asked the broken-hearted dragon with an ounce of doubt.
"She made it very clear that I'm n-not her number one assistant a-a-anymore." Spike stated with pain.
"Why don't you start from the beginning?" I suggested.
After fully drying himself of anymore tears, Spike told us everything we needed to know. "Well...before the meteor shower started, Twilight had asked me to get her a book on constellations; I went to retrieve it of course, but when I opened it to look at some pages, a lot of dust got in my face, and I ended up sneezing fire into it. I didn't want my little mishap to ruin Twilight's fun, so I simply told her that it wasn't there. I must've forgotten all about it, because just this morning Twilight slams the book next to my basket and tells me that Owlowiscious found it right where it was. I tried to explain to her that it was all just an accident, but she didn't want to hear any of it and called me a disappointment. I figured that that owl must've done this to purposely make me look bad to Twilight, so I tried to get back at him by making it look like he killed a mouse. Twilight of course didn't fall for it; she instead got angry at me for being jealous of her new assistant and..." up to this moment, Spike manage to remain stable. When he got to this point, however, some tears were slowly building up. "...a-and that's when she told me that she d-d-didn't love me anymore!" not wanting us to see him bawling, Spike buried his head in his knees in attempt of hiding his tears. Sitting myself right next to the boy, I wrapped both my arms in a comforting hug and allowed him to shed his tears all over my shirt. "After that, I decided that I couldn't live with her after that; so I packed all my things and was going to run away from Ponyville. But just as I was getting close to the Everfree Forest, I remembered what you told me the other day; about how you'll always be there for me and let me stay with you if something like this happens. So I quickly ran back as I could to your place and ask if I can stay with you guys. I can stay, can I?"
Gazing upon that sad, heartbroken look on Spike's face made me realize right away that breaking my promise is not going to be an option. "Spike, I meant every word I told you yesterday; if you really need a place to stay, then you're welcome to be here for as long as you like."
"Jeffrie, can we speak to you privately?" Jonathan leaned next to me and whispered in my ear. Wanting to keep Spike distracted during our private chat, I picked up the remote and turned on SpongeBob SquarePants for him. As soon as the guys and I were in the kitchen, Jonathan gave me his honest opinion. "Jeffrie, what the Hell do you think you're doing?! We can't have Spike living here with us!"
"Why the Hell not?" I retorted. "He's got nowhere else to go! Besides, you heard what he said; Twilight replaced him with a bird, he's got nothing now!"
"Huh, I guess Fluttershy was right," Andrew said aloud.
"What does she have to do with this?" I pressed my friend for some answers.
"Yesterday, while you were off talking with Spike," Andrew explained, "we all heard Fluttershy suggest that maybe he was fearing that Twilight's owl might take his place, and Twilight just sort of shrugged it off. If what Spike is telling us is true, then maybe Twilight really did replace him."
"Now guys," Jonathan raised his hands in defense, "I understand that you're both concerned about Spike, but haven't any of you even consider that he may have been exaggerating a little?"
"You're seriously suggesting that that little heartbroken kid out there just lied to us?" I said.
"No, no, I'm sure that Twilight really did say something to make Spike feel this way; I'm just saying that he may have only paraphrased what she told him. You know how over sensitive kids can get whenever someone gets on to them."
I needed a moment to pinch the bridge of my nose before continuing this discussion. "Jonathan, I know you have a crush on Twilight, but that doesn't mean you should automatically defend her all the time. I mean Andrew has a huge crush on Applejack, and even that didn't stop him from not siding with her during that little snafu at the Winter Wrap Up."
"He has a point, Jonathan," Andrew concurred. "Don't get me wrong, I love Applejack just as much as you love Twilight, but that doesn't mean I have to automatically side with her; especially when I feel she's going too far."
Still not wanting to let the matter be settled, Jonathan once again tries to convince us otherwise. "Come on guys, we've all seen Spike take care of Twilight long enough to know that he's more than capable of looking out for himself. I mean, it's not like he's gonna stumble upon a cave full of gems and get attacked by a big dragon."
Unfortunately for Jonathan, that last statement would only work to his disadvantage. "Well, I guess when you put it that way," I said, "it makes it all the more reason why we need to let Spike stay." Realizing that there's no way to counter my point, Jonathan wisely kept his mouth shut. "Now, I know very well that you and Spike don't exactly get along, but now's not the time for you to hold a petty grudge. There is a kid in that room who's probably lost the one thing that matters most to him, and we're going to do what we can to help him out whether you like it or not."
"All right," Jonathan admitted defeat, "if you really feel that Spike needs us that badly, then by all means let him stay."
"Good," I closed the matter. "Now that that's been taken care of, I better go fill in Spike." Stepping back into the living room, I was both surprised and relieved to see the once bawling dragon letting out a little laugh as he watched Patrick Star explain to all the callers that this is in fact Patrick they're talking to. "You like that?"
Getting his focus away from the TV, Spike looks to me and says, "Oh yeah, this stuff is hilarious. Do you guys watch this stuff back where you're from?"
"You bet," I took a seat next to him, "me and a lot of other people would watch these cartoons all the time when we were your age."
"Are there other 'cartoons' like this one?"
"Uh-huh, and you just might get to see all of them while you're staying."
"You mean I can really stay?"
"I promised you, didn't I?" taking my eyes off of the little dragon for a brief second, I suddenly felt my waist being tightened a tad. I jolted, of course, but I immediately calmed down when I found that I was only receiving a tender hug from Spike.
"Thank you, Jeffrie." He said to me.
"You're welcome, Spike." I returned his hug with a small pat on his scaly head. "All right then, since you're gonna be staying with us, I might as well write a letter to Twilight letting her know where you are." I went into Jonathan's room to take out a piece of paper from his journal and a pencil that was lying on his bed. Sitting myself back on the couch, I placed the paper on the coffee table in preparation for the letter I'm about to write. But just as I raised the pencil, I felt it being tugged by Spike's claws.
"Here Jeffrie, let me do it for you." Spike offered.
Not wanting to let myself become Twilight Sparkle, I gently removed his claws from the pencil and told him, "I'm fine writing the letter by myself, Spike. Why don't you go to the bathroom and give yourself a nice warm bath? I wouldn't want you to catch a cold; especially after being out in the rain."
"Oh, OK." Springing himself off the couch, Spike made his way to the door that leads to the bathroom, only to stop just as he pushed it midway. "Just a heads up, I tend to stay in the bathroom for seven hours when I'm taking a bubble bath. So don't be surprised if I'm still in here."
As soon as I heard that door shut, I took the pencil in hand and allowed it to write away. In only a minute I manage to convey all my anger, my disappointment, and my disdain towards Twilight Sparkle, onto one sheet of paper. With the letter now finished, the only thing left to do was to deliver it to Twilight. Due to a lack of any raincoats, I had to resort to using just a plain black jacket that I've been keeping for some time and used it as a means to keep myself--and the letter--partially dry. The trip over to Twilight's place was a difficult one to say the least; the rain showered upon me with big globs of water that practically splatter on impact. As I continue to trek through all this downpour, I just prayed that my letter will still be readable once I've reached Twilight's place. Through both a miracle and sheer willpower, I finally found myself standing on Twilight's doorstep. Not even bothering to knock first, I marched right inside and quickly slammed the piece of paper onto a nearby table, which caught the attention of a certain purple unicorn and her new pet owl.
"Jeffrie?! Oh thank Celestia, you're here! Something really horrible has happened! I got onto Spike today for trying to frame Owlowiscious, and now I can't seem to find him anywhere! Have you seen him?" instead of acknowledging her with an answer, I simply turned my back and made my way towards the door; only to be blocked by a teleporting Twilight. "Jeffrie, did you not hear me?! Spike is missing, and I need to know where he is!"
"Just read the damn letter!" my tone may have had more venom in it than it should have, but at this point I honestly don't give two shits if this neglectful bitch feels hurt or not. After pushing her aside and making my way out, Twilight lied on the wooden floor in confusion until her owl flew up to her with the letter held by his talons. Taking the letter from him with her magic, Twilight unfolded the piece of paper as her eyes scanned through everything that I had to say to her.
Dear Twilight,
I am very disappointed in you as a friend. What you've just did to Spike has got to be one of the most unforgivable things that anyone could do. Just because he accidently sneezed fire on one of your books and chose not to tell you about it does not excuse you from calling him a disappointment and hurting his feelings. He didn't do it on purpose, it was a mistake waiting to happen; and let's not forget the many mistakes that you've made during Winter Wrap Up. In fact, if you truly didn't want this to happen in the first place, then you should've gotten it yourself! But what really surprises me the most is the fact that after all of the hard work that poor Spike has done for you during all the years he spent with you, you end up replacing him with a nocturnal bird and even have the absolute nerve to tell Spike that you don't love him anymore, simply for feeling jealous towards this new assistant of yours! Not only did you choose an owl over someone as loyal and hardworking as Spike, but you've also chosen to be harsh and ungrateful to a child who looks up to you the most! Well, since you've made it more than clear that you no longer have any need of Spike, I shall do you a favor and take him off your hooves. I have decided to allow Spike to live with us for as long as he wishes, where he'll be surrounded by and cared for by true friends, and not heartless bitches who are more than eager to replace him. If by some miracle you manage to find your heart (assuming that you even had one to begin with) and wish to apologize to him, you know where to find him.
--Jeffrie.
Lifting her gaze away from my letter, Twilight stumbled to the floor as tears began to leak from her eyes as the very weight of remorse proves to be too heavy for her to carry. "Oh Spike," she sobbed, "what have I done to you?!"
Finally returning to the house, I was not the least bit surprised to hear the sound of running water coming from the bathroom; what did surprise me was the fact that Spike is apparently one of those people who like to sing while bathing. While I left him to his bubble bath melody, I went straight to my room and gathered the necessary supplies to turn our couch into a guest bed. Since I was never given the foresight to buy a spare pillow in case something such as this would happen, I was more than willing to sacrifice one of mine. As for a blanket, it had to have been my luck to have brought that same green blanket that my granny had given me for Christmas; it is small for my size (what with it only being able to cover my feet and up to my torso), but since Spike is no doubt smaller than it, then it would suit him just fine. Going back down the stairs, it only took about eight seconds for me to place the pillow and blanket on the couch and have it turned into a guest bed for Spike. Even after I had finished setting all of this up, I could still hear the little dragon singing his tune.
Spike:
First we grab the soap,
And rub it on our scales.
Because no one likes a dope,
Who makes his body stale.
Not wanting to disturb his privacy, I pushed the door ever so slightly that it left a small opening for my voice to be heard. "Spike, I got the couch setup for ya. It may not be a bed, but it should still be more comfortable than a basket."
"OK, thank you Jeffrie." The little dragon once again gave me his gratitude.
While Spike continued with his bathing, I dragged myself back up those stairs until I finally returned to my room where I allowed my whole body to drop onto the bed and let sleep takeover me.
...
Normally I would be sleeping for as long as I want until I felt like getting out of bed, but a certain scent that my nostrils haven't picked up for some time pretty much forced me to wake up early. Walking out the door, I was immediately greeted by the sudden presence of my two buds--who both seemed to have picked up the smell as well.
"You guys smell it too?" I asked them.
"Yeah man, I can smell it all the way up here." Andrew confirmed.
"Am I the only picking up a burning scent here?" Jonathan inquired.
Taking whiff of this aroma a second time, there is no denying that the smell is coming from a burning source.
"Maybe it's coming from the kitchen," Andrew suggested.
Little did he know that uttering his idea aloud would end up planting an even crazier one in Jonathan's head. "I bet Spike has something to do with it!"
As we all made our way towards the kitchen, I tried my best to quench the flames that were building up in my friend. "Now Jonathan, let's not jump to any conclusions."
"Jeffrie," said Jonathan, "I swear to God if that little lizard sets something on fire, I'm...!"
Whatever else he was about to say, he couldn't bring himself to finish once he stepped foot inside the kitchen. Instead of walking into a fiery inferno, all we found was a kitchen that was a hundred percent fire free and came with a giant stack of waffles placed upon the table; and behind it was a purple dragon adding another batch to the ever-growing pile.
"Oh hey guys," Spike finally noticed us, "I was wondering when you were going to wake up."
Not exactly sure how either of us should respond to him, we decided to simply keep our mouths shut and sit ourselves at the table. As if he were getting ready for a race to start, Spike, immediately--with a spatula in his claws--commenced to placing waffles on our empty plates; it was at this moment that the three of us finally took notice of the pink apron that the little dragon has been donning.
Had the little guy been caught wearing it back on our world, he no doubt would've found himself facing a never-ending onslaught of boys calling him a sissy. Luckily for him, I have no intention of making him feel embarrassed--especially after what just happened to him last night; but unfortunately for him, Jonathan doesn't share my same courtesy.
"Cute apron, Spike," Jonathan snickered.
"What's wrong with my apron?" Spike took notice of Jonathan's snarky comment towards his apparel.
"Other than the fact that it's pink and has a cartoony heart on it?" Jonathan gave his reasons.
"So what if I wear something pink?" Spike shot back. "Twilight gave this to me as a present, and she never laughed about it."
It finally made all the more sense once he brought Twilight into this. From what I gathered from our first meeting, Spike has been raised--and surrounded--by a girl since the day he was born. And like most boys who are brought up by girls, they all end up falling prey to the girls' attempts to feminize them. Now of course you can bet that since Spike is going to be staying with us, that I--and hopefully with the help of my buds--will see to it that he will regain his boyhood.
But until we get to that, all I can do now is tell Spike, "Look Spike, if you like wearing that apron so much then you can go ahead and wear it. I mean it's not your fault that Twilight doesn't know how to raise a boy."
"You mean boys aren't allowed to wear pink?"
Not unless you happen to be Bret Hart or Timmy Turner, I thought to myself. But out loud, I told the kid, "Let's not worry about that. If we keep on talking then all these waffles will get cold."
No sooner had I picked up my knife and fork, I was immediately greeted by a bottle of syrup that Spike quickly placed before me. I wasted no time in squeezing enough syrup until my waffles were practically drowned by the stuff; because who the hell would be crazy enough to eat a dry waffle? And don't worry, I made sure I left enough syrup for both of the guys. In fact, the moment I let go of that bottle, Andrew quickly extended his arm out to reach it, only to watch it be swiped away by Jonathan. And while he was patiently waiting his turn, I cut a piece of one of the waffles and led it straight to my mouth. Upon taking that first bite, my taste buds felt like they were in Heaven. My mom would make me waffles from time to time, but they would always either come off as burnt or undercooked. I don't know what Spike could have possibly done while making these waffles, but they were just right! I would normally wolf down a waffle by at least two minutes, but since I wanted to savor the taste of Spike's waffles--and because my plate had at least three on it--it ended up taking me twelve minutes to finish them.
"Spike, I don't know how you made these, but these might be the best waffles I've ever eaten." I gave my compliments to the chef.
"Yeah Spike, I don't eat waffles that often, but I sure wouldn't mind having these around if I ever find myself trapped on an island." Andrew gave his praise while sucking off any remaining bits of syrup from his fingers.
"Eh, they're OK I guess." Jonathan nonchalantly declared as he pushed his plate away.
"Well I hope you three aren't full yet," Spike took each of our plates as he made his way to the sink. Once he decided to sit himself back down, he placed a platter which carried three grilled cheese sandwiches on the center of the table. I myself have never been much of a fan of grilled cheese sandwiches, or any kind of sandwich for that matter, but since Spike must've worked very hard to make them, I was in no position to act ungrateful for it, so I helped myself to one. If I didn't end up liking the taste, I promised myself that I would try to not make it look too obvious in front of Spike. So I manage to take one bite out of it and... much like how Spike did with the waffles he somehow manage to turn something I assumed would taste terrible and make it become one of the greatest pieces of food that graced my taste buds.
"These are just as good as the waffles," I complimented Spike for his efforts.
"Eh, I can definitely say that I like this more than the waffles," Jonathan somewhat gave his approval.
"Uh guys, are any of you picking up something hot in your sandwiches?" Andrew asked as beads of sweat began to leak from his head.
"No, mine tastes just right." I confirmed.
"Yeah, mine also tastes fine." Jonathan verified as well.
"Then why the Hell is my mouth on fire?!" as if being shot out of a cannon, Andrew made his chair fall flat as he jumped up and ran towards the fridge, in hope of finding something to quench whatever fire that was building up in his taste buds. "What the fuck?! Why is there no more Cokes in here?!" suspecting that he was probably pulling my leg, I got up to take a look and I was both surprised and annoyed that there are no more cans of Coke to be found. Before I could even let out so much as a sigh, I immediately found myself being shoved aside by a rampaging Andrew who began to twist both levers of the sink, thinking a downpour of water will enter his mouth, but not even a single drop came out. "Give me water you piece of shit!" Andrew strangled the faucet with both hands as if it were a throat, but even that failed to get him any water. "Oh fuck it!" like a charging rhino, Andrew burst through the door to the bathroom with his shoulder and brought himself down to his knees as he shoved his burning red head into the toilet!
Before my mind could linger longer on the image of Andrew drinking like a dog, I was snapped out by the sound of Jonathan's voice. "Hey Jeffrie, it looks like there's a bit of hot sauce on Andrew's sandwich." Removing the bread on top, he gave me a clear look at the melting cheese which had a streak of red-hot sauce upon it.
Knowing full well that Spike was the one who had cooked it in the first place, it made all the more sense why the two of us turned our eyes on him. "Spike, did you put that hot sauce on his sandwich on purpose?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
The kid looked down at his feet with guilt written all over his face as he made his confession, "Yes, I did."
"And just what made you want to do that?" I inquired.
"Well, because I sometimes see you and Jonathan prank him on occasion," he explained while tugging his tail with both his claws, "so I thought I'd join in as well."
By the time all of what Spike said started to sink in, Jonathan and I couldn't hold back the downpour of laughter that came flooding out of our mouths! Spike, in a small amount of relief, even let out a little chuckle as the left side of his lips began to form a smile. "OK, maybe we're mostly to blame for Andrew having to drink toilet water," I said once my laughter started to die down, "so we'll be willing to let this slide if you apologize to him."
Knowing full well the condition I offered was more than generous, Spike did not hesitate to walk up to Andrew (who's still drowning himself in the toilet) and said, "Andrew, I'm sorry if I humiliated you. No hard feelings?"
Finally emerging out of the toilet, Andrew's whole face was now being covered by drenched black bangs of his once neat looking bowl cut with his mouth being the only visible part of his face. "As long as you don't mention this to anyone outside this house," he pointed his finger at where he assumed the little dragon was standing, "then I'll have no reason to hold a grudge."
Upon receiving his pardon, Spike happily ran towards the sink where he proceeded to go inside it and do a little tweaking, by the time he got out I decided to turn one of the levers and was surprised to see water finally come pouring out. "You really thought this prank out well, haven't you?" I commented.
"Well I had to make sure he couldn't drink anything else," Spike explained.
"Then I also take it that you purposely threw out all the Cokes on purpose?" Jonathan asked.
"No!" Spike shouted in offense to that claim. "I'll let you know that that fridge was already empty when I looked in it this morning!"
Wow, who would've thought that we could drink so many cans of soda so quickly? Although, it's not like this has been the first time we ran out. And it's for that reason why I said, "Well, I guess this means another trip to the store."
"OK, you have fun doing that," Jonathan placed both his hands behind his head as he placed his feet upon the table in a relaxed manner.
"Aren't you coming with me?" I inquired.
"Yeah, I could," he then let out a yawn, "but I'm not exactly in the mood to leave the house right now. And Andrew probably smells like piss by now, so I know he's definitely not going to join you."
"The toilet was flushed before I dunked my head into it, asshole!" Andrew yelled.
Knowing full well that I won't be able to rely on my friends to give me a hand with the shopping, I turned my eyes to a certain dragon who just may be more than willing to assist me. "Do you want to come with me, Spike?"
"Sure!" the little kid grinned with glee upon hearing that his assistance is required. So with Spike by my side, we both began our little mission to go grocery shopping.
The store we went to just happens to be the same store where we got the supplies for Zecora. Since I had shopped here on numerous occasions, finding the Coke boxes was not difficult. After I placed the third box into the cart, Spike saw this as an opportunity to say, "You know, since we're here, we should probably get some more food for when I cook you guys another meal."
Since he chose to bring that up, I decided to tell him, "Spike, we enjoyed the breakfast you made us, but you didn't have to do it."
"Of course I did," he insisted, "how else was I supposed to repay you for letting me stay?"
"You don't owe us anything," I said. "We would've let you live with us regardless."
"It's OK, Jeffrie, I don't mind serving you guys a meal; besides, I know that you would never take advantage of my assistance." Knowing that I have the kid's trust gave me a nice feeling inside of myself. I would've just kept pushing the cart and let myself savor this moment until Spike decided to bring up, "Of course, if you and the guys just prefer to cook your meals by yourselves then I can totally understand."
You ever find yourself in a position where somebody asks you if you've done something that many people are known to do but you're just too embarrassed to admit that you've never done it even once? Because that's exactly where I'm at right now! As if I were standing upon a piece of ice that'll drop me into the cold water if I even make a single move, I chose the words I would tell the little dragon as slowly as possible. "Well...you see, Spike...the guys and I don't exactly cook our food."
"But if you don't cook, then how can you possibly eat?" he asked in confusion.
"We do eat food," I admitted somewhat, "if it comes in a box, a plastic wrap, or can just be eaten without having to be cooked."
I suddenly felt the cart being stopped as I looked down and saw that Spike had blocked the end with both of his claws. The look he was giving me was the one that you'd give if you didn't recognize the person standing in front of you. "Are you saying that none of you guys have ever cooked before?" not being able to downright say it, I meekly nodded my head as I prepared myself for the onslaught that Spike is about to unleash upon me. "Seriously?! You have been living here for nearly a whole year and yet you've been eating nothing but snack foods this whole time?! Do you even realize how unhealthy that is; even Twilight would have a cow if she knew I was eating nothing but snacks all the time! Well, it's a good thing I'm living with you guys. Come on, let's see if we can't find some real food for you to eat." Dragging the cart by himself, I was left with nothing but the company of awkwardly staring ponies until I decided to follow the little dragon to the next aisle. "OK, there's plenty of food that can be cooked around here. You got any preferences?"
"Now Spike, you don't have to do this," I told him.
"Don't start!" the little dragon put his foot down. "I don't care if you feel like I'm doing too much work; I'm not letting one of my friends destroy his own body with unhealthy habits. Now start giving me ideas, or I'm just gonna start tossing any random food in this cart!"
Knowing full well that Spike isn't going to take no for an answer, I decided that the best thing to do is to humor him. "Well, I haven't had spaghetti in a while."
"All right," the little dragon wasted no time in tossing a nearby box of pasta into the cart, but immediately found himself standing in front of a roadblock when he saw that the tomato sauce is on top of a high shelf. "Um, Jeffrie, can you...?" before he even finished that request, both his claws were now clutching the can of tomato sauce that I quickly reached with ease. "Thank you!"
Right when he tossed the can in the cart, I figured that now would be a perfect time to ask, "So how do you plan on making the meatballs?"
The look he gave me is the kind that one would normally receive when someone thinks you've gone insane. "Jeffrie, you do know you're living in a herbivore community, right?"
Of course I know full well that ponies don't eat meat, but since a dragon like Spike can be a resident here, it had me wondering if they make any exceptions for meat eaters. "You mean they don't at least keep any meat just in case anyone who likes meat comes by?"
"They don't even serve gems at the restaurants here," Spike made it more than clear.
Accepting the sad truth that I won't be eating meatballs on my spaghetti for probably the rest of my life, I let out a defeated sigh as I said, "Well, I mostly eat it for the noodles anyway; it's still spaghetti either way."
After awarding my acceptance with a nod, Spike immediately asked, "What else would you like?"
Looking over to the left of the aisle, my vision zoomed straight at the blue box of mac and cheese that was right in front of me. "I also like mac and cheese."
"Then throw it in."
Doing as he requested, I dropped the mac and cheese box in the cart only to quickly pick up a bag of conveniently placed blueberry muffins. "Think you can make these for next breakfast?"
"If that's what you want." No sooner had the bag of muffins land into the cart did Spike ask, "Do any of you guys like soup?"
"I don't," I admitted, "but Andrew really loves tomato soup."
The little dragon scurried over a few paces and came back with three cans of tomato soup stacked together. "Is there something Jonathan might want?"
"That depends," I grabbed a nearby bag of bread. "Can you make toast?"
"Do dragons breathe fire?"
With nothing else to throw in the cart, Spike and I pushed forward to the end of the aisle and came to a stop near the freezer section. In front of us stood an array of refrigerators containing ice cream of all flavors. Allowing my eyes to look over each box, a certain pink one had immediately caught my attention; there was a kind of black image that I couldn't make out, so I decided to give myself a closer look. Taking the container out, I can hear the sound of a Heavenly choir chanting "Hallelujah!" ringing in my eyes when I saw that the black image is that of a girl pony tugging a cow, and it was at this moment that I've discovered that the ponies have their own version of Blue Bell Ice Cream all along!
"Yes!" I raised the box triumphantly in Link fashion. "I never thought I would ever get to eat ice cream ever again!"
"You like ice cream too?" Spike pushed the cart next to me.
"Only this kind," I explained, "I've been eating this brand ever since I was four."
Dumping the ice cream box with the rest of our groceries, Spike took a good look at it and came to a conclusion. "I take it strawberry is your favorite flavor?"
"Of course," I confirmed, "it's the only flavor I'll ever eat--aside from vanilla."
"Strawberry's my favorite too!"
"Is that so? Then let's get another."
After placing a second box in the cart, the two of us pushed our way to the line. Since there were so many ponies in front of us, Spike and I passed the time by chatting.
"So how do you usually eat your ice cream," the little dragon asked.
"I mostly prefer to eat it out of the container," I told him.
"Yeah, sometimes I don't really feel like putting mine on a cone, so I'll just get a spoon and chow away--until Twilight stops me of course."
"Well, I for one eat it like that because I know for a fact that ice cream tends to melt faster in a bowl."
"That a fact?"
"Yep, I remember having a bowl over at a neighbor's place when I was six, and I still remember seeing the ice cream melt the second it got on the bowl." As the crowd of ponies grew thinner, Spike and I took our steps. "So what was that song you were singing last night?"
"Oh that," Spike said, "that's just a little jingle Twilight's mom would sing to me whenever she gave me a bath."
"You mean it wasn't just Twilight who's been raising you?" I asked.
"Well she was a kid when she first got me," Spike said it like it was a no-brainer. "I mean, who can possibly be stupid enough to allow an eight-year-old to take care of a baby?" a shred of my hope for these ponies' sanity has been restored upon hearing that statement. "Besides, even though her mom stopped taking care of me when Twilight got older, she always treated me like I'm one of her own; she even taught me how to cook."
"Did she?"
"Uh-huh, you see, she mostly did the cooking by herself; one day, Twilight didn't really need me to do anything for her, so I roamed around until I saw her mom working in the kitchen." We took a few steps more. "I noticed that even with her magic all this cooking was beginning to overwhelm her, so I walked up to her and asked if I could help her." The both of us took even more steps. "After that I've been her little helper up until Twilight and I moved to Ponyville."
"And she basically gave you free lessons?"
"Yeah, she'd let me read the cookbook for her, show me how to work a stove, how to use the cooking utensils, how to check if the food's ready, she even let me taste everything for her. But the best part of all was when she'd let me cook all by myself." The next steps we took seem to drag us evermore closer to the cashier. "I was all prepared to help her out once more, and the first thing she tells me is 'I want you to cook dinner for everypony.' Of course I was nervous when she asked me this, but after doing everything that Twilight's mom had taught me, I managed to make everyone's favorite meal in time for dinner. The best part was that none of them even knew that I cooked it; they all thought it was Twilight's mom to thank for the meal, until she corrected them of course. Once they all knew that I cooked dinner for them, seeing the happy looks on their faces, and hearing the praise for meals I'd prepared for them just may have been the proudest moment of my life. It truly felt like I was part of the family that day." When I looked down on him, I saw what appeared to be a melancholy smile form upon his face (as if recollecting this happy memory would drive him to tears). I was prepared to give the kid a comforting pat on the shoulder until he and I were called upon by the cashier who beckoned us to come forward.
Through our combined teamwork, the two of us patiently waited for the cashier pony to tell us the price of our groceries. "All right fellas, that'll be forty-eight bits." Taking out my wallet, I rummaged through each bill that my parents had given me in case I wanted a souvenir from Mars and managed to pull out two twenties and a ten. Extending my hand to the pony, I expected him to take the money and let us be on our way; but I instead received nothing but a long, awkward stare that lasted for ten seconds until the cashier pony finally found the urge in him to say words. "Yeah, I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid your paper currency is no longer acceptable."
"It's money: you use it to pay for and buy stuff with." I refreshed his memory with my personal definition as if he had forgotten what the word meant.
"I'm well aware of what currency is, sir," he said, "it's just that yours was never really worth much anyway. In fact, the only reason why you were able to buy anything is because the Mayor had you and your friends under a special welfare program that allowed any of you to purchase anything for free."
To say this information took me by surprise would be an understatement. "When were we under a welfare program?!"
"The same time you three decided to stay in Ponyville as permanent residences. You may not have been considered homeless, but you were still classified as unemployed, which is why the Mayor chose to place you all under this program--which you've neglected to renew."
"How was I supposed to renew something if nobody even so much as sent me a letter saying so?!"
"Well sir, our main mail-pony happens to be Derpy, and she's been known to mix up letters and packages all the time, so it's most likely that she sent your reminder to the wrong address."
Giving the bridge of my nose a firm pinch, I let out a sigh which drained me of any aggravation and replace it with a shred of calmness. "OK, how am I supposed to pay for all of this?"
"Simple, the only form of currency that we accept are bits--and sometimes gems."
The cashier pony at least had the courtesy to show me what these so called "bits" look like. Thinking that my eyes are playing tricks on me, I requested a closer examination which the cashier was happy to oblige. Now holding the bit with my fingertips, I found myself becoming so flabbergasted that I thought my eyes would pop out of their sockets when they both saw that I was a clenching a gold coin!
"Is this a joke?!" I demanded an explanation. "I know you're not expecting me to pay in gold!"
"But sir, it's Equestria's main form of currency." The cashier tried his best to clarify. "It's not even really worth much compared to gems."
"Not worth much?!" I cried. "Where I'm from, one of these could be enough to pay off a bill; and the other forty-seven could possibly buy me a mansion!"
"Sir, I can understand the value of bits is vastly different on your world, but you still need them if you want to pay for all of this."
I didn't want to have to put everything back and go home empty handed, but unless I can somehow make gold coins appear just by snapping my fingers, the guys and I might go hungry. I was ready to try to reason with the cashier once more, until a certain dragon spoken up. "Take it easy, Jeffrie. I've got it all covered." The kid then let out a green flame which, to my surprise, materialized a small, plump purple pouch that landed on his claws. Digging inside the pouch, I could make out the sound of coins scrapping together and found myself becoming more shocked to see Spike pull out the forty-eight bits that we were in desperate need of.
After receiving the cashier's approval of the payment, Spike tossed the pouch high in the air and made it disappear with another green flame. "Come on, Jeffrie," he snapped me out of my shock, "you don't expect me to carry all of these bags myself, do ya?"
Leaving the grocery store with bags in hand, the two of us had made it ten steps away until I decided to break the silence that followed us. "Since when do you make money appear out of thin air?"
"You mean my money pouch?" Spike clarified. "That's just one of the many possessions I keep inside my pocket dimension."
"Your what?" I was even more confused now.
"I wasn't exactly born with pockets attached to my scales," Spike explained, "so around the same time Princess Celestia started to teach me how to send her letters, she taught me this special trick that can help save anything I own inside a kind of invisible safe that only I can access."
Satisfied with the answer he had given me, I soon found myself feeling a shred of guilt for letting Spike spend a huge amount of what could be his life savings for my sake. "Spike, I'm sorry for making you spend some of your money for all of this."
"You don't need to apologize," he brushed it off, "I have more than enough bits to spare; what with all the ponies I help around."
"You mean you don't just work for Twilight?"
"Sometimes I get a break from Twilight, and I mostly spend it doing some small tasks for anypony who needs help. The Cakes once paid me six bits when I got them some more cake frosting, Cheerilee paid me fifteen bits when I repainted the schoolhouse with her, the Mayor paid me twenty-five bits when I delivered some important documents for her, and sometimes I get three to four bits from tourists who ask me for directions. And I haven't even started talking about the tips I get from rich ponies in Canterlot."
"You mean Camelot."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's called Canterlot. Anyway, some of the rich ponies can be real stingy jerks, but some of them are very generous tippers. This one pony named Fancy Pants gave me a hundred and twenty bits just for telling him the time, his mistress, Fleur de Lis, gave me seventy bits just for holding a cup of coffee for her, and Sapphire Shores gave me two hundred and forty bits just for being a stand-in for one of her music videos. Even Twilight's parents use to give me an allowance of ten bits anytime I help with chores."
"I take it, Twilight, pays you as well?"
"Pfft! I'm lucky to even get a 'thank you' out of her. If she even found out about the money I've been saving, she'd most likely take it and spend it on something that'll just mean more work for me."
I began to become rather curious as to what kind of life Twilight has laid for Spike. "What exactly does she make you do for her?"
The kid didn't hesitate to give me a list. "Write letters, clean messes, put away books that she finished reading, make up her bed, keep her from staying up late, make breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, buy groceries and supplies, be her voice of reason whenever she verges close to insanity, pretty much all the things she can easily take care on her own. I sometimes wonder which one of us is really the grown-up."
Just when I thought I was already disappointed in Twilight, she goes ahead and gives me more reason to be pissed at her. To think this whole time she's been forcing some kid to grow up early just so she couldn't have to take up the responsibility herself. Holding back the anger that started to build inside me, I turned to Spike and said, "I know I've already told you this, but you don't need to worry about me or the guys having you serve us; from now on, you can do whatever you like as long as you're staying with us. In fact, is there something you've always want to do but Twilight would never let you?"
Spike began to rub the bottom of his chin with one of his claws in contemplation to this question, until he spotted something that made him shout, "What about that?" following the kid's direction, I saw him point to a poster that's nailed to a post. Taking a closer look, I see that the poster is serving as an advertisement for a Little League Baseball team.
"You never played baseball?" I asked the dragon.
"Twilight's never been much of a sports fan, so I never got to play anything sports related." He explained. "But baseball does look like it could be fun."
"Sure, it's very easy to play," I told him. "In fact, how would you like me and the guys to teach you tomorrow?"
"You'd do that?"
"Sure. We'd only need to buy some equipment and find a big enough space to practice on."
"That won't be a problem; I have more than enough bits to spare."
"Now you don't have to spend too much of your money."
"Jeffrie, I've been getting paid since I was five; I know how to handle my money."
"If you say so." With that out of the way, the two of us continued the rest of our trek through silence until we finally got close to the house. After hearing Spike's tale on how he learned to cook, a certain feeling has been building up inside me and desperately wanted to get out. Just as the kid's claws were centimeters away from the doorknob, I chose to indulge this newfound feeling. "Spike?" freezing his claw in place, Spike turned to me as he waited for me to say something. "Would you like to maybe teach me how to cook someday?"
Processing my request, a smile began to grace his scale covered face. "Absolutely." Gripping the doorknob and giving it a firm twist, Spike and I made our way inside with enough food and drinks to last us for a few weeks.
...
After putting away the groceries, the guys and I decided that now would be a good time to play some Mortal Kombat X. After annihilating Andrew as Goro, Jonathan and I decided that our match will be another brawl between Scorpion and Sub-Zero (with me playing as Scorpion, of course). There are two reasons why I chose Scorpion for this match; the first is because I simply wanted to hear his patented "COME HERE!" and "GET OVER HERE!" catchphrases, and the second is because ice is for pussies. Once we've both decided what variations we would use, we chose the Dead Woods as our battleground. We would've watched an epic cutscene between these two rivals had Jonathan not been impatient and click the X button too early, but once the word "FIGHT" was said, I landed the first hit. I then delivered a few modified combos that allowed me to attack Jonathan with some swords, but then he quickly dashed back until he had enough space to hit me with a frost hammer. Jonathan wasted no time in firing an ice ball at me, and the moment I was frozen he took me down with an ice slide. He would've frozen me again had I not took him by surprise with an enhanced version of Scorpion's teleport--which took a fair amount of health from Jonathan. I then performed the takedown move three times until Jonathan decided to start blocking it, but he positioned himself to be hit with the swinging tree branch stage interaction. At the distance he was at, it was more than perfect opportunity to unleash Scorpion's spear technique on him; once Jonathan was dragged to me, I ended the first round with a throw. Just when the second round was about to commence, Jonathan immediately paused the game to look over some combos and special moves that could be of help. The moment he un-paused the game, he completely took me by surprise with an unexpected uppercut and he started to take away big chunks of my health by spamming the Absolute Zero combo. As Scorpion began to edge closer to the end of his health bar, I quickly performed his teleport hit and manage to get a few decent hits until Jonathan smacked me in the face with a tree branch. And now we've come to the final round; we both knew that only one of us would get to receive the satisfaction of victory, while the other shall garner the shameful honor of having his ass kicked. The two of us battled with everything we got--while occasionally pausing the game to check for combos. Now we were practically tied to having less health than we've started with. To make doubly sure that he would come out on top, Jonathan went back to a reliable friend: the Absolute Zero combo. All it would take is one more hit and he would finish me off. Sadly though, I denied him this victory, because once I unleashed the x-ray move and depleted all of his health, the game immediately demanded that I "finish him." After delaying Jonathan's inevitable fate with a quick pause, I pressed the necessary combination that allowed Scorpion to summon a wall of rock, pull off Sub-Zero's head with a spear, and pinned said head with a sword.
"Dammit!" Jonathan shrieked in rage. "I was so close to beating you! I should've known that you'd pull off a cheap shot at the last minute!"
"Now Jonathan," I said, "If I didn't want to give you a fighting chance, I would've picked Raiden." Letting Jonathan sulk to himself, I finally took notice of Spike--who throughout our matches would turn his head back and forth between watching us play with the controllers and reading the combo list from the pause menu. Suspecting that he may be interested in video games, I figured that it only be fair to give the kid a turn. "You wanna play, Spike?"
"Can I?!" He asked with the enthusiasm that only a kid his age can have.
"Of course you can. After all, video games aren't really that fun if you never get to play them." I then turned to Jonathan. "OK Jonathan, give Spike your spot."
"Why me?!"
"Well you did lose the last game, so it only makes sense."
"What about Andrew? He technically lost to you first."
"You can always let Spike sit on your lap, Jonathan," Andrew suggested.
Upon hearing that, Jonathan's pupils began to shrink as his whole face shifted into uncomfortable mode. Turning his gaze down to the little dragon, who's been sitting in front of his legs all this time, with nervousness in his voice he said, "Yeah, no offense Spike, but I wouldn't exactly feel comfortable with you on my lap."
Crossing his scaly arms and raising an eyebrow in response, Spike only had this to say. "Well no offense to you, Jonathan, but I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting on anyone's lap, especially if they have a face like yours."
"What's wrong with my face?! Don't answer that, Jeffrie!"
Holding back the snickers that tried very hard to escape my mouth, I decided to give my own suggestion. "How about you and Spike play a match for the right to sit on the couch?" needless to say, they were both interested in the idea. "Here Spike, you can use my spot for now." Getting himself nice and situated on the cushion, I finally handed my controller to the kid while giving a few pointers. "Now this is a 2-D fighter, so pressing up will make you jump. Also..."
"I got this."
I have to admit I was rather surprised to hear that much confidence come out of his mouth. "You sure wouldn't like a few tips? This isn't exactly a game you can learn in the first few minutes."
"I said 'I got this'."
Jonathan only let out a soft chuckle to himself as he picked Kitana. After Spike settled with Scorpion, he and Jonathan agreed on the Dead Woods as their battleground. A saucy grinned started to form on Jonathan's face; he was so sure that he would easily beat Spike that he allowed the opening introduction between the characters play out. And why wouldn't he be? Jonathan's been playing video games since he was a kid, and this was Spike's first game. By the time this is all over he's gonna make Spike go crying to his mommy; he didn't care that he was a kid, he was gonna put this newb in his place without cutting him any slack. Once the first round started, Jonathan's overconfident demeanor immediately turned to one of alarm when he saw Kitana become bombarded by a flurry of punches. He didn't even blink and now he's suddenly seeing his character being juggled in the air in the kind of style that only the true masters of gaming can pull off. He was so dazed that he didn't even notice that the first round was already over. With that one flawless victory out of the way, Jonathan shook his senses back into place as he prepared for the next round. He tried to land one hit, but the moment Spike unleashed the teleport attack, Jonathan, was already at the kid's mercy. I watched as Spike pressed each button as if every motion of his finger was by sheer instinct, while Jonathan was just frantically mashing every button as if he were a newb instead. And despite Jonathan's efforts, he can only watch as Scorpion sent a fireball through Kitana's chest and slice her face off in another flawless victory.
"What just happened?" Jonathan's controllers slipped from his fingers as his mouth gaped open in shock.
"A newb who never held a controller in his life until now just handed your ass on a plate," Andrew made it clear to Jonathan that this all isn't some sick nightmare he's having.
"Does this mean I get to sit on the couch?" the victorious little dragon asked.
"It sure does." I felt it was my duty to make Jonathan give up Spike's prize. "OK Jonathan, time to get off Spike's spot."
"How about a rematch?" Jonathan practically pleaded.
"No can do, the bet was for one match only. So get up."
As soon as I placed a hand on his shoulder, Jonathan seemed to turn into a hissing cat as he clung to his former spot on the couch. "No! It's not fair! I shouldn't have to give up my seat over one little fluke!"
"Grab his legs, Andrew!"
Leaping off the couch, Andrew made a mad dash to the other side of the couch where he wrapped his arms around Jonathan's legs, while I tugged at his vest as our combined strength tried to pry our desperate friend off of the spot that use to belong to him.
"Come on guys, please! Don't do this to me! I just wasn't ready! Just give me a rematch; one rematch! I know I can beat Spike! Please! No!"
...
After much struggle, Jonathan now found himself sitting on the floor. Crossing his arms with the pouty face of a whiny brat, he could do nothing but contain every ounce of frustration as he felt the scaly feet of the very dragon who stole his seat on the couch being placed on his head like a footrest.
"Wow Jonathan, I can understand why you wouldn't want to give this spot up," Spike wrapped both his arms behind his head, reveling in his relaxing reward. "This is far more comfortable than that hard floor."
"This is fucking bullshit!" Jonathan muttered to himself.
Feeling tired of playing games, we decided that now's a great time to watch episodes of Transformers. We were all silent throughout the viewing of the first episode, but by the time we got to the second one, Andrew decided to ask about the one thing that's been plaguing our minds.
"You know Spike, I still don't get how you were able to pull off those combos on your first try."
"Simple, I just paid close attention to when you guys were playing, and I merely repeated it." The comfortable dragon explained. "I know this seems hard to understand, but sometimes I can remember stuff after watching, hearing, and even reading it only once."
"So basically you have a photographic memory?" I deduced.
"If that's what it's called," said Spike. "I suppose it would explain how I'm able to write letters for Twilight so fast."
"Well shit, I guess we better not tell little Spyro here some embarrassing secrets that'll come back and bite us on our asses." Jonathan snarked.
"By the way, what are those words you three keep saying?" Spike asked.
"Which ones?" I asked in turn.
"'Shit' and 'ass'."
The three of us just froze in place upon hearing those two words come out of that kid's mouth. "Wow, you're the first one to ever acknowledge our cursing." Andrew said with astonishment.
"You mean you guys can perform magic?"
"No Spike," I clarified, "it's just a term we humans use for when grownups say bad words. Don't any of these ponies say bad words that aren't meant for kids' ears?"
"Oh, you mean like buck and hay?" Spike gave some examples. "Yeah, I sometimes overhear Twilight spew some of them whenever she thinks I'm not around. In fact, I remember Twilight's dad saying them constantly whenever he loses at bingo or drinks too much cider." After a rather awkward pause, Spike felt that he still had a few more words to say. "Say, could you guys teach me all the bad words from your world?"
I of course had to do a double take after hearing that request. "Now hold on, Spike, I already said I would teach you how to play baseball. Don't you think that's more than enough?"
"Eh, I can multitask."
"I don't know, Spike, it's just not considered good to be encouraging a boy your age to say curse words...then again, none of the ponies seem to care whenever we swear, so I guess you shouldn't be any different. All right, I'll give you a little lesson in all of them, but only if you promise to not make a habit of it. I can understand you saying them when you're angry or just need to let out stress, but don't you ever insert them in every sentence you make. Understand?"
"Yes 'Dad'." Spike said in a dry tone. Doubtless, I'm sure a whole lot of you don't want to be reading about us teaching curse words to a little boy, so I'll just do you all a favor and skip straight to the montage covering all best times we've spent with Spike over the next three months, while listening to "Mr. Blue Sky."
...
The first moment occurred on the next day. After paying a quick visit to a sport's shop, the guys and I--along with Spike--wandered around Ponyville until we came across a large open space that would make the perfect training ground for the little dragon. Placing all of the bases to form a giant diamond, the three of us went ahead and took our positions: with Jonathan as the pitcher, Andrew as the batter, and myself as the catcher. If all of Andrew's claims of being an awesome football player is to be believed, he just might've also been one hell of a baseball player as well. Infusing all of his strength into his bat, Andrew sent the first ball that Jonathan threw at him flying high up in the sky with one swing. Letting the bat slip from his hands he manage to make it all the way to the second base before Jonathan got close to getting him out.
"All right, Spike, it's your turn." I called the kid over. Dragging his scaly feet in a nervous manner, Spike picks up the bat--which ironically makes him appear to be a lot smaller than he actually is--and stands to the right of the plate. "Now the main goal in baseball is to hit the ball and run to all four bases. The reason Andrew stopped at the second base is because he would've got out if Jonathan had touched him with the ball; you can also get out if the pitcher catches the ball before it hits the ground and if you get three strikes."
"That's when I miss the ball three times, right?" Spike asked.
"Exactly, which is why it's all the more important that you try your best to not miss. Because the only way you'll ever score any points is based on many times you and your team run all the way to home base. But sometimes, if you're somehow able to run back to home base without stopping once, you'll score what many refer to as a homerun; but that's mainly based on luck and how slow the opposing team is when it comes to getting the ball. Now once you do manage to hit the ball, you must always remember to drop the bat before you run to the bases."
"Why can't I just hold onto the bat all the time?"
"That's just the rules of the game, Spike. Oh, and you better wear this." Slapping a blue helmet on the little guy's head, I went back to my position as the catcher as I gave Spike the necessary space he needed to hit the ball. Clutching the bat with both of his claws, Spike's whole body began to tremble as he waited in anticipation for the throw that's about to come. The very moment he saw Jonathan's arm pull the ball back, he immediately swung the bat which sent him spinning around until he fell flat on his back, thus allowing the ball to collide with my mitt. "Strike one!" tossing the ball back to Jonathan, I wasted no time in raising Spike up to his feet. "Now Spike, the reason you missed that first throw is because you swung too early. What you need to do is to always watch the ball; as long as you stay calm and keep all of your focus on it, then you'll be able to send it flying." This time, Spike drained his entire body of any jitters and stood as still as a statue. Keeping his reptilian eyes locked on that ball, the kid let out a breath of air right when Jonathan hurled the ball towards him. Then, as if his whole surroundings had gone into slow-mo, Spike waited until the ball came to the right distance as he brought the bat to meet it. The next thing we all heard was the sound of leather impacting upon wood, as each of us saw the baseball soaring into the sky.
"I did it!" Spike bounced with enthusiasm as he took off his helmet. "I hit it! Did you see it?!"
The celebration, however, was immediately cut short once the sound of shattered glass crashed into our ears. As if a giant curtain had been lifted from our eyes, we all finally noticed the big mansion across from us which had a broken window that's impossible for anyone to miss; and out of that window came the voice of a certain spoiled brat who's calling for her dad.
"Ah shit," Jonathan cursed, "We're definitely screwed now!"
Picking the bat up, Spike looked back and forth in a frantic manner until he shouted, "Hey Derpy!" following his movement, the three of us saw the little dragon run up to Ponyville's cross-eyed mail-pony.
"Hello Spike!" Derpy greeted him. "How are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm doing fine," the kid said as he covered the bat with nervous sweat. "I just came to tell you that you've...won a free baseball bat!"
"Yay!" Derpy gave the bat a hug. "I've always wanted one of my own!"
Turning his attention back to us, Spike gave us all a gesture that suggested that we should all run as far away as possible. Of course, a bit of us felt bad that Derpy would end up taking the blame for this, but then again, most of the ponies here seem to be more than aware of how she's not too bright, so chances are she'll probably just be given a firm warning. Because who could possibly be cruel enough to press charges against someone with special needs?
...
The next day is one of those rare occasions where I decide to take a bath. Once the tub was full, I would mostly just lay down and allow the water to soak my whole body until I felt like getting out. When I finally did decide that I'm clean enough, I would let my feet land on the towel that I placed on the floor and dried myself off with another one. With that out of the way, I make my way to the counter and put on my boxers and pants. Before putting my shirt on, I just couldn't resist the urge to look at myself through the mirror.
My body isn't exactly on par with Andrew's, so my arms only have the bare minimum of muscle. Despite my somewhat scrawny appearance, however, I did have a broad set of shoulders with caved in skin that made my collar bone all the more noticeable. I can't really explain, but there's always been something about that part of my shoulders that make the skin cave in that always fascinated me. I was so enthralled by this that I was completely taken by surprise when I heard a voice say, "You like watching yourself flex too?"
Turning myself around, I was somewhat relieved to see that it was only Spike, standing across from me. "Uh...yeah. After I take a bath." I admitted.
"I only do it whenever no one's around." Spike confided in me.
"It's not like it's something to be embarrassed about; a lot of boys do it."
"Mind if I join you?"
"Sure, knock yourself out."
I then watch the little guy perform a little parkour trick on the toilet that manage to get himself on top of the counter. Standing in front of his reflection, Spike sucked in some air which made his chest fin out as he made two small muscle bumps pop out of his arms and formed a tense grin on his face. It lasted for about ten seconds until we both looked at each other and saw that we stood in the same flex pose. It started off as soft chuckling until the two of us suddenly erupted into a fit of uncontained laughter.
With that done, Jonathan and I decided to go out for a walk, leaving Andrew by himself (with the exception of Spike, of course). Having nothing better to do, Andrew lay flat on the couch as he doodled some more of his lizards in his sketchbook. Finally finish with drawing the outlines, Andrew reached out for a green colored pencil, only to have it fall on the floor. Cursing himself, Andrew looked down for it until he lifted his head up to find it being held by a certain baby dragon.
"Thanks Spike," he gave the kid his gratitude.
Peaking over his shoulder, Spike got a glimpse of Andrew's newest creation. "That's a nice frog you've drawn."
Upon hearing those words, Andrew almost let the colored pencil slip from his fingers as his body went into a temporary shock. "Thank you!" Andrew said after regaining his senses. "You're the first person to not mistake it for a lizard!"
"I don't see how," said Spike, "I mean, it obviously looks like a frog."
"That's what I always tell the guys," Andrew sounded so frustrated that he was this close to pulling his hair off. "I swear, Spike, you must be a lot smarter than anyone gives you credit for."
Feeling humbled by that sort of compliment, Spike chose to show more interest in Andrew's hobby. "Is that all you draw?"
"No, I just pretty much draw whatever comes to mind." He then flipped through some pages to give the kid a quick review over all of his drawings. The one that really caught the dragon's eye is the anime caricature of the three of us.
"Did you use to draw caricatures for people back from your world?"
"Nah, I was too busy with school, and I mostly just draw for fun."
"I bet if you were to ask the Mayor for a permit, you can be able to setup your own caricature business."
"I don't know, Spike, I'm not sure if I'm even talented enough to be a caricaturist."
"Not with that attitude you won't. I'm sure if you just do a little practice, you'll have all the confidence you need; in fact, I'll even model for you."
Spike walked behind the coffee table as he stood across from Andrew, posing for him. Figuring that he has nothing else to do, Andrew chose to humor the kid as he started to draw him on a blank page. After at least thirty minutes of hard work and attention to detail, Andrew turned his drawing over to his dragon model. "What do you think?" gazing at the anime styled caricature of himself, Spike awarded Andrew a thumbs up. Andrew, in turn, placed his fist in front of the now confused kid. "It's a fist bump. Just clench your first and bump mine." Following his instruction, Spike let his scaly fist collide with Andrew's, as they both share a smile with one another.
...
Moving onto the next day, I stepped into the kitchen to find Spike waiting for me by the table, with his pink apron on.
"All right, Jeffrie," Spike pushed himself away from the table as he hopped off the chair, "for our first lesson, let's start with spaghetti."
While he was getting the box of spaghetti noodles and can of tomato sauce, I filled a big pot with hot water and placed it on top of the stove, next to an empty small pot. When my teacher came back, he looked me from top to bottom and had this to say, "You sure don't want to wear an apron?"
"I'm not scared of getting dirty," I responded. "It's not like it's gonna kill me."
"That's not what Rarity thinks."
Then it sucks to be her, I snarked in my head. Placing the box and can on the table, Spike stood on the stool as he inspected both pots. He seemed pleased with the small pot, and he seemed rather impressed with how I handled the big pot. That is until he dipped his claw into the water and immediately poured it all down the drain.
"What's wrong with the water?" I asked my teacher.
"It was hot," he gave his explanation.
"Sure it was. Hot water boils faster, doesn't it?"
"Yes, but it also contains lead chemicals that can contaminate the noodles."
"I'm guessing that Twilight's mom taught you that as well?"
"You bet she did." With the pot now empty, Spike quickly filled it back up with cold water. "I know that cold water takes longer to boil, but it'll be worth not having a stomachache." Placing the pot back on the stove, Spike decides to move onto the next lesson. "All right, Jeffrie, why don't you turn on the ignitor." Following his instruction, I twisted the knob which generates heat for the burners, but I quickly flinched back once I heard the ignitor make a clicking sound. Raising an eyebrow at me in confusion, Spike takes care of turning on the ignitor before speaking to me. "What's the matter?"
"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I just got a little worried that it might blow up in my face."
"As long as you learn to handle the appliances properly, you'll have nothing to fear." My teacher assured me. "OK, I'll get this can opened, you can pour in the pasta." It goes without saying that it doesn't take a whole lot of knowhow to open a box of spaghetti noodles and dump them into a pot of boiling water. A bit of me, however, was more than curious on how Spike can manage to open a can without a can-opener; that is until I looked back at the kid and realize that his claw is the can-opener.
Ten minutes had passed since we've placed the pasta and tomato sauce into their respective pots. Searching through a drawer, Spike pulls out a spaghetti spoon and hands it to me. "Here Jeffrie, scoop up one of the noodles and take a bite."
Taking the spaghetti spoon out of his claw, I dipped it into the pot and scooped up a chunk of the pasta. I proceeded to grab one strand of the noodles and let it drop into my mouth. After a few bites I quickly dumped the rest of the pasta back to the pot and tried my best to swallow it. "It's too crunchy."
"Then it means it's not ready yet." When the spaghetti did become ready, Spike and I got to enjoy ourselves two bowls of what was my first cooking lesson.
...
Following over to the next day, I was treating myself to a box of this world's equivalent of Cap'n Crunch when I suddenly felt an excruciating pain erupting from the left side of my mouth. No sooner had I let out my painful yelp did my ears pick up the faint pitter-patter of scaly feet heading my way.
"What's wrong?" Spike asked with concern in his voice.
"I don't know," I held the left side of my jaw with my hand, "I think I have a toothache."
"Well you're in luck. I just happen to know somepony who runs a dental office here whenever she comes here to visit from Canterlot."
My memory began to receive a recollection of a certain blue unicorn. "Her name isn't, Minuette, by any chance?"
"Yeah. You've met her?"
"Back at that party Pinkie held for us when we first got here. If I have to be honest with you, Spike, I don't think she's gonna want to help me."
"Why not?"
Sensing the skepticism in his tone, I knew I had no choice but to tell him the whole truth. "The last time we spoke to one another, I pretty much insulted her. It all may have happened a year ago, but I'm certain that she hasn't forgiven me for it."
"Then apologize to her," said Spike. "Trust me, I've known her my whole life; she would never hold a grudge against anypony. Besides, would you rather spend the rest of the day with that toothache?"
I know he's right. As much as I worried that she would still be angry at me for what I said to her, I knew that a small act of kindness could make a big difference. After all, I was able to bring myself to apologize to Fluttershy when I hurt her feelings and was able to earn her friendship for it. So why would making amends with Minuette be any different?
Two minutes hadn't even pass once we've finally reached Minuette's dental office. The moment the bell on the door let out a ring for our arrival, Spike found himself receiving a warm greeting from the dentist herself. "Good morning, Spike! Have you come for an early checkup?"
"Not me," said Spike, "but my friend here could use one."
Once her eyes met me, the gentle smile on her face quickly turned to a look that was neither angry nor thrilled. Wanting to prevent this from becoming more awkward than it needs to be, I stepped forward as I muster up the nerve to speak with her. "Hi Minuette, I take it that you haven't forgotten about me--or the things I said to you. I'm glad you haven't, because I've come to tell you that I'm sorry for saying all those rude comments back at the party and for not appreciating the help you were willing to offer. I just got a toothache this morning, and you're the only dentist in this town. I may have no right to ask this of you, but would you kindly check my teeth?"
Although the look on her face shows that she's probably feeling indifferent, the fact that she continues to keep her gaze on me might suggest that she's processing everything I just said. After a tense silence, Minuette let out a breath of air as I caught the slightest hint of a smile grace her face.
"Have a seat." As soon as I laid myself down on her chair with my mouth wide open, Minuette was quick to insert a mouth mirror with her unicorn magic as she began her search for what's causing my toothache. "Ah-ha! It looks like somepony has a cavity on their upper left bicuspid."
"Are you going to pull the whole tooth out?" I asked.
"No," she giggled, "it's nothing a little shot can't fix. Of course, injecting the cavity with the shot is probably going to hurt even more, which is a good thing that I keep a cannister of nitrous oxide for just the occasion."
My ears felt like they were experiencing an earthquake when they heard the sound of metal scratching upon marble. When the noise had finally ceased, I saw that the blue unicorn had use her magic to drag a big cannister of gas to her. "I should let you know that I don't really have the money to afford this," I confessed to the dentist.
"It's OK," Minuette shrugged it off, "your apology is payment enough."
As she placed the gas mask on my nose, I looked into her eyes, and I somehow had the feeling that her last statement was completely genuine. By the time the nitrous oxide made my whole face go numb, my mind wasn't focusing on the needle this pony dentist was sticking in me, but the fact that said pony dentist found it in her heart to forgive me. To those of you who aren't aware, nitrous oxide is what a lot of people like to refer to as "Laughing Gas." Oddly enough, the whole laughing part didn't even hit me as she was giving me the shot. But by the time she was done and had the gas mask removed, I suddenly gotten a big case of the giggles--which quickly built up to a violent cackle that would put the Joker to shame.
Raising my body out of the long chair, a little bag containing a toothbrush, toothpaste, and some dental floss, was now floating in front of my face, while being held by a blue aura.
"I'll have a checkup setup for you in no time," Minuette assured me. "In the meantime, keep brushing your teeth daily; you'll be doing your teeth a big favor."
"I'll keep that in mind," I grabbed the floating bag. "Also...thanks for helping me."
"It was nothing."
Turning back to Spike, the two of us walked right out the door to head back home, only to be greeted by the bewildered stares of a whole bunch of ponies--whom I'm guessing had heard my loud laughter in there.
...
Although it may have taken Spike a whole week to learn everything he needed to know about baseball, there was still enough time for him to sign up. After the kid signed his name on the hanging clipboard, the two of us made our way out into the field where Ponyville's Little League team--called the Ponyville Fireballs--are in the middle of practice. Every filly and colt who was wearing a red uniform and cap were running bases, hitting balls, and throwing pitches in such a perfect synchronization that it almost seemed as if they were really machines. Our arrival was able to grab the attention of the light brown stallion who we both figured out to be the coach.
"Is there something I can help you with?" he asked as he trotted towards us.
"You can start by getting a uniform for your new player." I motioned to an eager Spike.
Upon saying this, every foal immediately stopped their practicing and kept their attention on the dragon, who just might be their new teammate. "I take it that you've signed him up?" the coach wanted to make sure this wasn't some joke.
"Oh yeah, he didn't forget to sign his name on that board." I confirmed to him. "Spike here saw your poster a while ago and he just felt interested in the game."
The eyes of the coach quickly turned to Spike. "You've ever played baseball before, son?"
"Nope, this'll be my first time playing it." The kid didn't hesitate to give the pony a straight answer.
"Have you at least practice?"
"Uh-huh, I've been practicing all of last week before this."
Looking back to his team, the coach saw every colt and filly standing perfectly still in anticipation for what his next decision's going to be. Knowing that he doesn't really have much of a choice, the coach let out a sigh as he said, "OK kid, step up to the plate and show me what you can do."
Eager to show everyone what he's made of, Spike hasten himself towards the home plate. Receiving a gesture from the coach, the pale gold colt with jagged teeth relinquished his bat and helmet while going off to take his seat on the bench. With the plate all to himself, Spike darted his eyes toward the gray pegasus pitcher, who in turn, stared right back at the dragon who's now up to bat. Like two cowboys facing each other in a standoff, Spike and the pegasus pitcher neither stir a muscle nor remove their gaze from the other. Any sound became mute to their ears and the rest of the foals could not be seen by their eyes. Twisting the ball in his mitt, the gray colt pulled it back with his hoof and made the air snap as he sent the ball flying. Hoping to impress the whole team, Spike put so much of his strength into his swing that once the ball darted back it would've knocked out the pitcher--had he not duck down in time. Putting his feet on full sprint, Spike made a dash to the first base. By the time he passed the second base, he was confident that he just might pull off his first homerun; that is until he saw one of the foals toss the ball to a light opal filly with a cornflower blue mane--who just happens to be standing on the third base. Not getting enough speed from his scaly feet, Spike resorted to letting his body fall into a slide that ended up covering himself with a cloud of sand dust. With the sand cloud cleared away, Spike opened his eyes and was relieved to find that he was saved by the tip of his tail.
Witnessing the kid's potential, the coach had a small smile on his face as he made his way to the new member of his team. "Come with me, Spike. Let's get you a uniform." Leading the little dragon to where his uniform is being kept, the coach decided to make a quick announcement. "That's it for today, everypony. Gather your things and go home. Back on your hooves, Rumble!" while all the fillies and colts were more than ready to call it a day, the petrified gray pegasus known as Rumble was left to lay on the ground and watch his life flash before his eyes.
...
The guys and I had to sit through a whole lot of ball games for the past few weeks; by the time we've reached the third day of the second month, Spike's team finally made it to the finals. Taking our seats amongst the parents of Ponyville, the three of us took notice of the ponies who came all the way from Canterlot. How do I know they're from Canterlot? Aside from their team being called the Canterlot Diamonds (which, to be honest, sounds more like the name of a girl band instead of a baseball team), all of their parents were wearing bright colored polo shirts, in addition to the sweaters tied around their necks, and every single one of them had disgusted looks that more than shows their complete disdain for this small town.
It didn't take long for the respective teams to make their entrance. Standing on the left side of the field is the Canterlot Diamonds, donning their light blue uniforms with purple letters and numbers that sparkle with glitter (as well as mostly being consisted of unicorn colts). And on the right side of the field stood the Ponyville Fireballs, wearing their plain red uniforms plus orange letters and numbers with pride. Spike spotted us and gave a wave, which we all returned with waves of our own--although Jonathan was mostly checking his phone while giving his apathetic wave.
"Oh look dear, they've trained a dragon to play sports." A gray unicorn snob--sitting beside me--joked to the yellow unicorn (whom I'm guessing is his wife), both of whom let out mocking laughter at the kid's expense.
"You got a problem with that?" I asked the Canterlot stallion.
When he turned to look at me, the unicorn's snobby smirk dissolved and the pupils in his eyes shrunk in terror as they gazed into the death glare I was giving him. "Uh...no, not at all! I honestly think that kid's adorable!" he then made a big nervous grin while beads of sweat started to drench his green polo shirt. If death glares could destroy, then that unicorn's glasses would probably shatter by now. Not being able to hack my stare any longer, the snob of a unicorn meekly turns his attention back to the kids while his wife has a hard time deciding between whether to feel sorry or embarrassed by his timidity.
After the umpire flipped the coin it landed on tails, which meant that the Canterlot Diamonds got to go up to bat first. Once the teams got into their respective positions, the attention span of every foal on that field was immediately disturbed by the sudden cheerleading performance of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Of course, none of us had the heart to tell the girls that there are no cheerleaders in baseball, so we all just allowed them to have their fun. As the girls leaped around waving pompoms and singing a chant to boost Ponyville's spirit, I took notice of the unicorn colts from the Canterlot team who seemed to be the ones who're more than fixated towards the three fillies. (I could even make out little pink hearts taking the place of their pupils.) Before these colts could get to ogle at the cheerleaders any further, they were immediately snapped back into reality by means of a firm scolding from their coach.
During the Canterlot Diamond's first turn, they were making it more than clear that they're the real deal. For every ball they've hit, they've managed to pass from base to base in a quick blur, while bringing six points with them. (It was a good thing that unicorns were forbidden to use their magic while playing, otherwise those six points would've tripled.) Luckily through a miracle--and sheer willpower--the Ponyville Fireballs were able to get three of the Canterlot players out and switch sides.
Now don't think for a second that Ponyville didn't have any star players of their own. This little pink filly with a magenta mane tied with blue hairbands doesn't really look much different from any of the other ponies upon first glance, but when she swung the bat and made the ball disappear from existence, it was clear that she possesses the strength of the Incredible Hulk and the Juggernaut combined! She's basically the teams' equivalent of having a main character in a fighting game. Her homeruns were making points fall into Ponyville's lap like candy spilling from a piñata, that is until they were down to the last spare baseball and had to force the poor kid to not go up to bat anymore. But that didn't mean that she couldn't be a pitcher...until she eventually got banned from pitching every time the force of her throw would push the catcher back or break any bat that made contact with the ball.
That's not to say that there aren't any players who tend to screw up on the field. There's this little aquamarine filly with a long bubblegum colored mane and tail who has no problem hitting the ball, but as soon as she tries running to a base, she ends up tripping on her long mane and get herself out. There's also this little brown colt with a mane that looks like a mix between orange and brown who doesn't even seem to care about playing the game; whenever he's up to bat he'll either swing so hard that it makes him dizzy or loosen his grip from his muzzle and send the bat flying to any unfortunate foal who's in the way, and when he should be trying to catch the ball he'll drop his mitt and start playing on what looks like a Gameboy.
As for Spike, there has not been one moment where he wasn't giving his all throughout the whole game. If he missed some hits he'll still manage to get it in the end, and when he dashes to the bases he'll always put himself at top speed and stop when he feels that he won't make the next one, and when he's waiting for the ball to fly he'll put every ounce of effort into catching it and passing it to his teammates (he's even able to catch the ball before it touched the ground at least three times now).
After two hours of intense playing, both teams have finally reached the sixth inning. The scores were now 20-17. Standing on all three bases were Rumble, the light opal filly, and the pale gold colt with the jagged teeth. The only way their team was gonna win this game for Ponyville is to score a homerun; and the player who'd be stuck with having to pull that feat off was Spike. Before leaving the bench, Spike's coach felt know would be a good time to give him a little talk.
"All right Spike, it's very important that all four of you reach home base. The second you hit that ball, you just keep on running and don't stop until your feet touch that plate. Good luck."
Up till now, Spike, has been more than capable of keeping his cool while playing a game, but the pressure that his whole team will either lose or end up with a tie is refusing to get off his back. The unicorn pitcher truly believed that the little dragon would slip up once he got a good look at the uneasy expression that's covering Spike's face. The kid's eyes were glued too tight on the pitcher that stood in front of him, until the sound of the Cutie Mark Crusaders' cheer chant made him look away.
Cutie Mark Crusaders:
One, two, three, four,
Who's the team that we adore?!
Five, six, seven, eight,
With the foals who are great!
Go Fireballs!
That brief distraction ended up earning Spike a strike. Seeing the smug smirk on the pitcher's face, Spike's brows started to furrow as he entered into serious mode. This kid didn't play through countless games just to let his team trip at the finish line and let the sound of pompous laughter haunt their dreams; he was gonna lead them to victory. Taking a deep breath, Spike watched as the ball was slowly coming towards him and at the last minute, he let the bat swing. The sound of wood hitting leather was all the signal the kid needed to know that it's time to run. By the time he reached the third base, all three of the foals had already boost their score to twenty, the only thing left was for Spike to step on that plate and the game would be over. As he got closer to home base his reptilian eyes caught the sight of the ball falling towards the catcher's mitt. But that didn't make him slow down; Spike knew that if he hesitated now, then all of his hard work would've been for nothing. But either by an act of God or a convenient accident, the ball missed the glove and hit the catcher right in the head, which allowed Spike the perfect opportunity to score his first homerun!
While most of the snobby Canterlot ponies were resisting the urge to shout, "most unorthodox!" everyone else--excluding Jonathan--had risen from our seats and burst out into thunderous applause. No sooner had Spike removed his helmet did he find himself being glomped side-to-side by all of his teammates. With the celebratory hug out of the way, all the foals start dragging Spike to their coach, who just happens to be standing next to the trophy they've just won and joined them all in a group photo.
"You did great out there, Spike!" I congratulated the MVP as we were making our way home.
"I call it luck," Jonathan quipped, which I rewarded him with a firm slug to his arm.
"It sucks though that I couldn't bring that trophy with me," Spike voiced his only complaint of the day.
"If you got to take that trophy then all those other kids would've felt left out." I pointed out to him. "Besides, who needs a trophy when you get to be the reason why that team achieved that trophy in the first place?"
"So Spike," Andrew spoke up, "with baseball out of the way, you wanna take a shot at football next? I can teach you everything I know."
"You mean all there is to know about being a linebacker?" said Jonathan.
"Linebackers are the most important players in the game," Andrew responded in defense. "And besides, they're much cooler than quarterbacks anyway."
"You mean you're not just saying that because you never became one?" Jonathan teased some more.
Just before Andrew could get close to pounding Jonathan, we were all stopped by a sudden shouting of, "Hey Spike!" turning around all at once, we spotted an excited looking Rumble making his way to Spike--with the rest of the foals trailing behind. "We're all heading to the arcade. You wanna come with us?"
Not giving his answer right away, the little dragon looked up to me as if he were awaiting me to grant him my permission. Knowing that it's important for kids his age to play with other kids, I told the little guy, "You go ahead and have fun, Spike." Not needing to be asked twice, Spike immediately joined the rest of the kids in their stampede to the arcade. "Just be back by 10:30."
"Boy, at this rate he'll probably start dating girls his age." Jonathan commented.
...
The next day, Spike and I paid another trip to the grocery store for some more food and supplies for my next cooking lesson. Stepping out of the store with bags in hand, I struck up a conversation with the kid to pass the time. "Did you have fun at the arcade?"
"Oh yeah, I got to play with everyone on the team," Spike spoke with so much excitement that I worried that he might lose his grip on the two bags he was carrying. "I even got to beat Button Mash's high score, which he was totally upset about, so he challenged me to a fighting game, which I also beat him at as well. To make him feel better, I said to him, 'At least you're a better gamer than Jonathan'."
That last statement was enough to make the two of us fall into a fit of laughter that could only have been disrupted by the sudden sound of, "Hi Spike!" we both saw the same light opal filly from yesterday come trotting up to Spike--with the strong pink filly and the filly with the long bubblegum mane following behind her.
"Oh, hello Petunia," Spike greeted her.
"My parents are throwing a celebration party for the whole team," Petunia enlightened the little dragon. "You wanna come?"
Being allowed to ponder over this small request, I looked over to the two fillies who both share a pleading look on their faces, as if they were praying beyond all hope that Spike would accept Petunia's small offer. The two fillies kept scooting themselves closer as the suspense over this started to bring them to the verge of hyperventilating, then like a divine intervention the little dragon decided to let his answer be heard.
"I could come by if I still got time."
Jumping up and down while letting out a giddy squeal, Petunia controlled herself long enough to reach into her saddle bag and pull out a pink invitation with her home address on it. Taking the party invitation out of her muzzle, Spike and I bid the girls adieu as we both picked up our pace. Even though we started to get farther and farther away from those fillies, my ears still manage to pick up the unmistakable sound of girlish giggling that I knew must mean only one thing.
"Looks like you got some admirers," I shared my little hunch with the dragon.
"Who? Petunia, Lily, and Bubblegum Brush?" said Spike. "I got to know all three of them a lot better when we were at the arcade; they definitely liked being around me more than anypony else."
"That's probably because they all have a crush on you."
The little guy immediately stopped dead in his tracks like a deer in headlights. It was only due to the sheer willpower that I had inside myself that I didn't let out a big overflow of laughter upon seeing every purple scale on Spike's face turn blood red.
"W-what?! No!" Spike frantically stammered. "We're just friends! I-I-I mean, granted they all look cute, but it's not like I ever held their hooves or given them flowers!"
"That doesn't stop them from having feelings for you," I told him. "I can even guarantee that they're just waiting to make some kind of move on you the moment you go to that party."
"Well they're just gonna have to find other boys to fawn over; besides, Rarity's the one for me."
"Of course she is," with that said, I let one of the grocery bags be clutched by my--already full--left hand so that my right hand can grasp the doorknob and allow the unfortunate playboy to enter the house.
For my next lesson, Spike decided that today I should learn how to properly cook mac and cheese and bake cookies. With the cookies roasting in the oven and the macaroni boiling in the pot, the kid and I only have to wait for the time to take them out.
"The important thing to always focus on when cooking is the time it takes to be made," my teacher instructed me. "With mac and cheese, it usually only takes ten minutes for it to be ready. Which is why you must never lose track on any time that has passed; if you let the macaroni sit in the pot for too long, it'll end up being mushy."
"My mom sometimes does that whenever she makes me mac and cheese." I added. "It'll look all mushy and soggy and it never really tastes as good."
"That's why it's always best to keep an egg timer for extra measure." No sooner had he said that did the egg timer started to ring like crazy. "All right, Jeffrie, you can pour the water out and mix in the cheese powder and butter."
Wrapping both the handles of the pot with two rags, I lightly tilted it over the sink until all of the water was completely drained. Dumping the macaroni into a bowl, I then proceeded to add some butter, milk, and the cheese powder, and with spoon in hand I wasted no time in mixing it all up until it turned into the cheesy goodness that it's meant to be.
Finished with mixing the macaroni and cheese, I watched as Spike opened the oven and reached inside to take out the cookie sheet--without any oven mitts.
"Shouldn't you put some mitts on first?" I reminded him.
"I don't have to," the kid insisted, "every scale on my body is a hundred percent fireproof; think of it as one of the many perks of being a dragon."
Placing the sheet on the table, the two of us took out some spatulas as we went down to scooping all twenty of the chocolate chip cookies onto a big plate to cool off.
"You know, if you keep this up, you just might be ready to cook on your own." Spike commended me on another successful lesson.
"That's only because I have such a great teacher," I complemented him. I then decided that now would be a good time to share a little trick to my new friend. "Up high." I raised my hand up until Spike gave me a high five. "To the side." I quickly jerked my hand to the right side until he slapped it as well. "Down low." Then I lowered my hand down before I immediately swiped it away just as Spike's claw was about to make contact. "Too slow! In the hole." Forming an O with my thumb and index finger, I patiently waited for the little dragon insert one of his claws into it, where I then squeezed it with both fingers, shook it a little, and shouted, "Toilet bowl!"
"What was that?" the kid asked.
"It's just a little thing that my dad used to do when I was five. And the strange thing is, I only just remembered it."
"How come?"
"I don't know, I guess he just didn't feel like doing it anymore as I got older." Getting myself a bowl of some of that macaroni and cheese, I was about to seat myself only to stop halfway when I saw the little pink invitation that was next to the edge of the table. "You still gonna go to that party?" upon being reminded, Spike started to blush anxiously knowing that three fillies--whom he considers to be his friends--are probably attracted to him. "Now Spike, you promised Petunia that you would show up when you have the time; they're probably still waiting for you. Besides, she and the others may just want to be friends; in which case you have nothing to worry about."
Taking all of that into consideration, Spike's nerves slowly calmed down as his scales turned back to purple. "OK, I'll give it a shot." Snatching the invitation as he made his way out of the house, I was left to myself with a bowl of warm macaroni and cheese to feast on.
Twenty-five minutes have passed since Spike left to go to Petunia's party. In that time, the guys and I laid down on the couch as we each gorged ourselves on the cookies that Spike and I baked together. (We of course saved five of them for when the little guy comes back.) As soon as all three of us finished our fifth cookie, we heard open and close and saw a rather uneasy Spike stand right before us with a heart trying desperately to pop out of his chest and a claw covering the left side of his cheek.
"Something wrong with your cheek?" I inquired.
"Oh, it's um..." the little dragon darted his eyes away from us as he frantically tried to bring words out of his snout. "I was at the party, and uh...I just scratched myself while playing. But it's nothing to worry about! It's nothing a band-aid can't fix!"
From the sight of him dragging his feet and leaving behind a trail of sweat with each passing step, we all knew that Spike must be hiding something. Inches away from the bathroom door, the kid was taken by surprise by the sudden grasping from Andrew's arm as he moved his claw away to reveal, not a red line of blood, but a pink kiss mark.
"Well, looks like someone got lucky." Jonathan said with a teasing smirk.
"It's not what you think!" Spike cried out defensively. "I swear, this didn't happen on purpose!"
"OK, why don't you tell us what happened?" I offered him a chance to explain himself.
"Well, it all started when I made it to Petunia's house. Her parents welcomed me in and congratulated me for winning the game, then they led me to their backyard where everypony from the team was having fun. I went to the punch table and chatted with Bubblegum Brush for a while. She was feeling bad about tripping on her mane during the game, so I told her that I think her mane looks fine the way it is. But just as I'm taking a sip of punch, she suddenly whispers to me, 'I think you're cute,' and I end up spitting it all out and I start walking away before things can get more awkward.
"I then went and played musical chairs, and throughout the whole game Lily and I talked together. By the time we got to the last two chairs, I felt something soft brushing against my claw, and I saw that I was holding her hoof! So I quickly hid inside the moon bounce castle before anypony could notice.
"While I was just sitting inside and giving myself a breather, that's when Petunia came bouncing towards me and let me join her. I never been in a moon bounce before, but jumping up and down with her was pretty fun. And just as I was finally getting all of that stress out of my head, she pecks me on the cheek out of nowhere and I end up falling flat on my back! So I immediately got out of there as fast as possible and came back here before I could be even more embarrassed!"
"There's nothing embarrassing about being kissed by a girl," Andrew assured him. "Lord knows Jonathan would feel more than lucky to even get one kiss on the cheek by a girl."
"You're not one to talk either, Andrew!" Jonathan shouted back. "I don't exactly recall any cheerleaders lining up to kiss you!"
"I just hope that Rarity doesn't hear about this," Spike worried.
"Trust me, even if she did find out, she wouldn't care." Jonathan snarked.
Instead of slugging him on the arm or smacking him on the head, I instead chose to give him a bitter reminder. "Shouldn't you be off of Spike's spot?" giving me the same pout that a bratty five-year-old would have, Jonathan stomped his way up to his room, while Spike took this chance to go and clean the proof that he'd been kissed by a girl off his face.
...
Two weeks have passed, and nothing even remotely interesting had transpired. Because of this, Andrew and I decided to go out on a search for something fascinating. With the two of us gone, Spike was left in the care of Jonathan. As of right now, Spike stood by the bathroom door patiently waiting for Jonathan to be done with his shower.
"Come on Jonathan, you've been in there long enough!" Spike banged on the door with a closed fist.
"Hey, I had to wait seven damn hours for you to get a bath," Jonathan retorted, "so you'll just have to deal with waiting for ten minutes when I'm taking a shower! Now quit acting like a baby and shut up!"
Crossing his scaly arms and letting out a huff, Spike laid his back against the wall as he tried his best to holdback his impatience. While his anger kept on amplifying, it all suddenly diminish once an idea so insidious had crept into his mind which made his lips form a devilish grin. Luckily for Spike, the door to the bathroom just happens to be one of those that can be pushed without a doorknob--so he didn't have to worry about any creaking sounds that'll alert Jonathan of his presence. Sneaking past a still unsuspecting Jonathan, Spike made his way to the toilet (with the lid being conveniently closed for him). Once he reached the top of it, he pushed the handle ever so slightly with the tip of his claws, until the whole bathroom echoed with the combined sounds of the toilet flushing and Jonathan screaming like a little girl.
Pulling the shower curtains away, a shivering Jonathan scrutinize the entire bathroom with the eyes of a hungry vulture, until those eyes locked onto the little dragon. "YOU!" he pointed an accusing finger at the dragon. Unlike me, Jonathan didn't bother to leave a towel on the floor, so he ended up falling face first into the solid marble the moment his soaked feet touched the ground. Seizing his opportunity, Spike scurried out of the bathroom and slammed his whole body against the front door (the force of which was strong enough to push the whole door open once he turned the knob). Now out of the house, the little dragon continued to run as a rampaging Jonathan started to catch up. "You won't be eating solid food for a year when I get my hands on you, you little...!" my drenched and enraged friend immediately brought himself to a halt when he saw a crowd of ponies standing in front of him.
There were only six ponies, and all of them just remained silent as they gazed upon the butt naked creature known as Jonathan. That is until Jonathan picked up the faint sound of suppress laughter as he turned his sight to the far left and saw Rainbow Dash biting her lip as she tried to conceal her built up chortle until her muzzle opened like a broken dam as she fell to her stomach and allowed herself to become possessed by her guffawing--with Spike joining her.
"Mom, is that a worm or a baby snake?" the little brown colt--who Spike described to be Button Mash--asked his mother.
"Button, don't look!" the tan colored mare covered her son's eyes with both her hooves.
"I never would've guessed that Senor Man-tits was compensating for something," a black pegasus stallion with a blue mohawk snickered alongside a blue stallion with a dark blue mane.
Jonathan's eyes quickly became temporary blinded by a sudden white flash that followed with the sound a camera makes when spitting out a picture. Rubbing his eyes back in working shape, Jonathan soon realized that the culprit of the blinding flash was none other than Lyra. "Incredible!" she praised the photo she just took. "I had a feeling that humans have reproductive organs. But who would've guessed that they'd be so tiny?"
With that said, Jonathan's subconscious slowly started to put all the pieces together. While he was under the influence of his anger, Jonathan had neglected to wrap a towel around his lower region and the pupils of his eyes instantly shrunk as he came to the realization that he's now suffering the same humiliating fate of George Costanza.
"I was in a cold shower!" he covered his shriveled-up extension before anymore ponies could get a good look at it. "I was in a cold shower! I swear, it's much bigger than it actually is!"
"You mean by one centimeter?!" Spike's little quip was enough to get the other ponies--except for Lyra--to laugh with him. As he stood there, surrounded by nothing but jeering laughter, Jonathan only had one thought in his head. I really hate that dragon.
...
It took until the first day of the third month for all of Ponyville to stop talking about Jonathan's shrunk package. By the time night had covered all of Ponyville, the guys and I decided that our next feature presentation for movie night will be the director's cut of Alien (because everyone knows that the director's cut is the better version). Before we started the movie, Spike came out of the bathroom and asked if he could join us. At first, I was apprehensive at the idea of exposing a film as famously scary as Alien to a boy his age. (The videogame alone gave me nightmares twice.) But through some convincing from the guys, and Spike giving me the puppy eyes beg trick, I decided to give the kid a chance. And for all I know, he just might be able to watch through the whole movie without being scared, the same way I did when I saw Return to Oz and Small Soldiers for the first time.
With all the lights turned off, and a bowl of popcorn in front of us, we all sat back and watch the classic sci-fi horror film. Due to the slow pace of the first half, Spike almost looked like he was going to fall asleep through the rest of the movie, that is until the scene of the Facehugger lunging at Kane pumped the kid with so much adrenaline that he just has to stay awake. When he finally got to get a good look at the Facehugger, Spike seemed more intrigued than scared--even seeing the acid blood didn't make him flinch. Once that creature had kicked the bucket and Kane woke back up, Spike assumed that the movie was about to end, that is until he watched blood gush out of his chest. When the Chestburtser finally ripped through Kane's body and suddenly dashed away, Spike's jaw had dropped after witnessing such a bloody scene. If only he knew that that little alien was about to grow into something more fearsome. When he finally did get to see the Xenomorph in all of its horrifying splendor, the kid's body began to tremble, and the added bloodcurdling cry of Brett being dragged away sent even more chills down his spine. I figured that Spike would end up losing his chill, once he gets to the air vent scene. The moment the beeping of the Xenomorph's presence drew nearer, we all turned to Spike and saw his entire body shaking in fear, sweating up a storm, the pupils of his eyes shrinking beyond measure, tugging his tail in Cowardly Lion fashion, and hyperventilating.
"You OK, Spike?" Andrew patted the kid's shoulder.
Then something happened that none of us could've seen coming. The loud screech of the Xenomorph went in sync to the terrified shriek of Spike, and next thing you know the little guy jumps from the couch followed by a loud thump to the floor that made the coffee table shake in place. Pausing the movie and turning the lights back on, Andrew and I were absolutely dumbfounded by the sight of Jonathan lying flat on the floor with a petrified Spike latching onto his face in Facehugger fashion.
Watching Jonathan kick his legs in the air, Andrew and I stepped forward for a closer view. With the two of us standing on each opposite side of our friend, we wasted no time in trying to pull Spike off of Jonathan's face, but his claws were buried so deep in Jonathan's temples that it made him let out some muffled curses.
"Looks like we're just gonna have to pull him off like a band-aid." I told Andrew.
Gripping Spike's arms as tight as we can, we both took a deep breath, count to three, and with all the strength we can muster we yanked the little dragon off of our friends' face. What followed next was an agonizing scream that could no doubt be heard all over the entire town.
"Goddammit Spike," Jonathan cursed the kid, "don't you ever trim your claws?! Ow!"
Seeing blood pouring from both sides of Jonathan's head, Andrew quickly picked him up to his feet and led him straight to the bathroom. I on the other hand merely looked back to a somewhat traumatized Spike. "OK, that should be the last scary movie you get to see."
The moment I turned the TV off, I could feel my leg being clenched by sharp claws. "Come on, Jeffrie," Spike moaned, "you don't have to stop just because I panicked a little! I can handle the rest now!"
"This isn't just about you not hacking this kind of movie," I explained to him, "I simply don't want to risk you ripping all of Jonathan's face the next time."
...
Nothing eventful transpired the next day, the only thing that's even worth mentioning was the dinner we all had together. With a white bandage wrapped around his head, he was understandably still pissed at Spike for digging his claws deep in his temples. Although, his ire towards the kid cooled down a bit when said dragon brought him a plate of three slices of crispy toast with a jar of jam. After Spike brought a bowl of warm tomato soup to Andrew, he took his seat next to me as we prepared to enjoy our bowls of spaghetti. Before we could start digging in, Andrew insisted that we perform grace first. After giving our gratitude to God, each of us picked up our forks, spoons, or knives and chowed down.
"Spike, you just might be able to make soup as good as my mom does," Andrew gave the dragon his praise.
"Well, I can at least say that I'm glad you didn't burn the toast with your fire breath," he acclaim the kid in a stoic tone.
"Who said I cooked all of this?" Spike pointed out.
This new information caused the guys to stop just as they were about to keep on eating. "If you didn't make all of this, who did?" Jonathan asked.
Spike turned his eyes to me, and I in turn pointed to myself in a non-subtle manner with my thumb, until Andrew blurted out, "It was you?!"
"Why so surprised?" I said. "I have been taking lessons from Spike, after all."
"But no one can possibly learn how to cook that fast," Jonathan continue to deny my newfound talents.
"It's only been three months," Spike reminded him, "that's more than enough time to be a good cook."
"What are you even complaining about?" I said. "You both said the food taste good, so you should be glad that I can cook now." And with that said, the guys accepted the fact that I made them a delicious meal and just went back to eating in silence, without a single complaint.
...
With the montage now coming to an end, we can finally get back to the present day (or night in this case). I sat upon the couch with an open book in hand, while my lap was being used as a chair for a very tired looking Spike--who always likes to have a better look at the pages. For the past three months, I would always read three chapters before putting the kid to bed; and the one I've been reading him just happens to be Eragon (seeing as how Spike's a dragon and the whole book is about them). We were now reaching the final chapter; and once it was finished, to say that Spike was confused would be an understatement.
"That's it?!" Spike exclaimed. "This is how it all ends?!"
"No, that was just the first book," I eased his dismay, "we've got three more to go."
"Does that mean we get to read the next one?"
"Sure we will...tomorrow night. Because I know a certain dragon who needs to go to bed."
After hearing the kid let out a displeased groan, I closed the book with the snap of my hand and nearly rose from the couch, until...
"Jeffrie?" twisting my neck back to the little dragon, I watched as he twiddled his claws until mustering up the nerve to say, "Could you sing to me?"
"What made you want that?"
"Well, Twilight used to sing to me when I was very little, but she sort of stopped doing it later on. I guess when you mentioned how your dad stopped doing that special handshake with you, it just reminded me."
I could tell simply from his tone alone that he really wanted me to indulge his request. I stood there, unsure of what to do next. I never been much of a singing person, I couldn't even think of a single song to lullaby him with, but then a suggestion came to me. "I can sing you a short one." Excited by my response, Spike eagerly sat himself back on my lap as I sang to him a shortened version of my favorite song, "You've Got a Friend in Me." By the time it ended, I could already hear the little guy snoring and feel his scaly arms clasping my arm and using it as a pillow. Lifting him ever so gently, I placed the sleeping dragon's head back on his pillow and pulled the green blanket over his body. With the kid all snug and rested I wasted no time in switching the lights off and headed up the stairs to let slumber overtake me as well.
The dream I had took me to a familiar place that I hadn't set foot on since I was eleven. I stood in a living room which consisted of two sliding doors that lead to a vast backyard, an old fashion box shape TV, an upright piano made with brown wood, two recliner chairs, a long straight gray couch, and in the center of it all stood a large, bulky, hexagon shaped wood table with a glass top that looked like it was stolen from a king's palace. It didn't take me too long to catch onto the fact that I'm back in Florida and standing inside the one-story house of my nana and papa.
After being gone from this place for so long, I would love nothing more than to hug my papa and hear him say, "Hey Boo-Boo!" or go to the kitchen and eat the best fried chicken that only my nana can make, or rub the belly of my grandparents' wiener dog, Brandy, or go outside and play with our old Labrador, Brutus, or receive some strawberries from the neighbor farmer, or chase any guinea fowls all over my grandparents' cotton field. But some kind of force was preventing me from even stepping out of the house.
Was I trapped inside a prison that's cleverly disguised as a fond memory? I couldn't see anyone else inside, so it might almost be just that. Just as I was preparing to accept this suspicion, my eyes suddenly caught sight of...Spike? That's right, I was literally seeing Spike in plain view; the little guy was sitting at the bottom of the recliner just staring off into space as if I didn't exist. Things only got stranger once I saw my sister, Lindsay, creeping on the floor like a tiger. But the most bizarre thing about it is the fact that she appears to be four years old. Then, as if someone had turned off the mute button, my ears finally picked up a sound coming from the TV. Turning around, I figured out that Spike was simply watching Toy Story the whole time. Once the last puzzle piece fell onto my lap, the whole recollection of this specific memory made the scar on my forehead sting.
"Get up, Spike! Move!"
Alas, my warning fell upon deaf ears. With her hands gripping the handle, my sister raises it with all her strength and catapults Spike high in the air and then his whole body plunge straight to the glass center of the table! Once the glass had shattered, instead seeing the little guy crying his heart out with a piece of glass stuck in his forehead, I only saw him falling down a dark, bottomless, abyss. Not even wasting a moment to think, I jumped right into the dark hole, reaching my arms out and just hoping that I can catch him. But no matter how fast I fall, Spike seem to keep plummeting faster and faster until his entire body just vanished within the pitch-black nothingness! Now I was terrified; I just saw my friend become engulfed by darkness, and I just might forever be stuck in a bottomless pit of darkness. I quickly started to scream and flail every part of my body, praying that this nightmare will come to an end.
Forcing my eyes open, I laid up to find myself back in my room. I couldn't bring myself to lie back down just yet; that whole experience made my breathing feel hoarse and my heart pounding like a drum. I'm not even sure that I can turn my gaze.
"Are you all right, Jeffrie?"
Like a released prisoner relieved from his restraints, my eyes diverted their gaze to a fully awaken Spike who has concern all over his face. "Yes, I'm fine," I calm down his worry, "it was just a nightmare. What are you doing up?"
Despite my room not having a single shred of light, I could still make out the downtrodden look that Spike was having right now. "I...I... I had a bad dream."
"Was it about the alien?"
"No, I was back at the library to see Twilight. When I went up the stairs, I ran to hug her, but she just acted very cold and pushed me aside. And when I saw Owlowiscious sleeping in my basket, she told me she didn't want to see me anymore and she just teleported me out."
Even after all of the fun and new friends he's made over the past three months, the poor kid still couldn't get the weight of Twilight rejecting him off his shoulders. Having to just talk about that horrible dream must've broken his heart so badly that I was hearing him make sniffles. Not wanting to bear the sight of the kid breaking down into tears again, I have gone with the very first option that my brain fathomed and let my mouth do the rest.
"You want to sleep in here tonight?"
Any tears that were building up immediately dissipated once Spike heard my offer. He stood there in a daze; unsure of if he really heard what I said correctly. Shaking his head, the dragon regained enough of his senses to start making his way to the door.
"I'm sorry for waking you. I'll just go back downstairs and..."
"Wait." Like an obedient dog, Spike didn't take one more step. "Look, I'm totally fine sharing my bed with you for the night."
"You mean it?" he asked in a skeptical tone.
"Sure I do. If you'll kindly close that door first."
Satisfying my compulsion for shutting opened doors, I scooted myself just a bit to give Spike enough space of his own as he climbed up and made himself comfortable. "You know, Twilight used to let me sleep with her whenever I got scared." Spike reminisce while pulling himself under the covers. "Anytime I get a bad dream or hear a dreadful sound, she'd let me crawl into bed and always keep me close to her."
"But she stopped doing it when you got older?" I inferred.
"Yeah. The last time I tried sleeping with her, she told me to go back to sleep and quit acting like a baby."
"Well you can feel free to sleep in here anytime you get scared; there's no shame in it. Heck, my mom still lets me sleep in her bed whenever there's a loud thunderstorm, even when I got up to middle school."
"It sounds like you must have a great family."
I remained silent before saying anything further. "Well, nobody's perfect; the same goes to families."
"How come?" Spike's tone alone carried confusion with it. "Your dad taught you that fun handshake. Didn't you like it?"
"I did. My dad's a man of good intentions; he served in the Navy and the Border Patrol, always did the best he could to keep a roof over our heads, and he constantly assures me how proud he is to have me for a son. But as I got older, he started becoming fatter, arrogant, and he just became a temperamental man who would look for any excuse to start an argument and deem anyone a girl for even showing the slightest fear towards anything. Honestly, the only member in my family who can make him look sufferable by comparison is my sister."
"What did she do?"
I decided that now's the time to show Spike my scar. "You see this little scar? I was still a baby when my sister gave it to me. She used a recliner to fling me in the air and send me crashing into a glass table. My mom told me that she didn't even come in to check on me the moment I started crying; when she finally did find me with a shard of glass stuck in my forehead, she wasn't too slow to rush me to the hospital. Of course, later on my folks tried using the whole 'she was just a baby and didn't know any better' excuse to convince me that my sister still loved me. But as she kept getting older, she would hit me at the movie theater whenever she thought I was picking my nose, barge into my room while I relax or sleep like she owns it and show absolutely no sympathy anytime I had a bad day, almost as if she purposely wanted me to hate her. Sometimes, I'd like to imagine how slightly easier my life could be if I never had a sister and just be an only child."
"You mean you wouldn't even like to have a brother?"
Upon bringing that up, I was suddenly struck by a remembrance from an old childhood wish of mine. "Actually, I use to always pester my folks into giving me a baby brother when I was six. I don't exactly remember why, but I just liked the idea of being an older sibling for once. Every time I come back from school I would ask my parents for a baby brother, after I say my prayers I would add in a request for a baby brother, I even tried including a baby brother as part of my Christmas list. (I also wanted his name to be Jayden for some reason.) But sadly, my dad chose to get himself a vasectomy and my desire of becoming a big brother just died."
Opening my mouth wide enough to allow a yawn to escape, I ended my little discussion right there and granted my eyelids permission to close...until the voice of a certain dragon decided to speak some more.
"Jeffrie?"
"Yes Spike?"
"What if I was your brother?"
Even though I ought to be crabby for being denied a chance at a goodnights sleep, the little guy's innocent question just couldn't sour my mood towards him. "If you were my brother, my sister would go out of her way to drive you nuts, and my dad would hurt your feelings the moment you do something that he deems girly, but I wouldn't do any of those things to you. If some punk or a jerk from the family ever tries to give you trouble, I would always be by your side."
Assuming that the matter is finally closed, my eyelids once again try to do the same thing.
"Jeffrie?" the sleepless dragon spoke some more.
"Yeah Spike?" I said while keeping my eyes shut this time.
"Can I be your brother, even though we're not related?"
Had he waited until tomorrow to tell me this, I would've hugged him by now. But seeing as how tired I am, I remained in bed as I gave him my sincere opinion. "Family doesn't always have to be someone you share blood with, Spike. It can sometimes be your good friends, or somebody you just really care about. So yeah, you can be my brother if you like."
To my relief, Spike didn't ask me anymore questions after that; but my eyelids immediately unclasp themselves when I felt something warm nestle beside me. Leaning my head up, I was surprised to see a now sleeping Spike wrapping his arms around me and laying his head upon my chest the same way a kid snuggles a teddy bear, or a son who cuddles next to his mom or dad, or a little brother who nestles against his big brother. I could feel a tear sliding down my cheek upon this sight. Not wanting to wake the kid up, I pulled a bit more cover over his body and placed a caring and protective hand around his shoulder. You know, a year ago, I would've given anything to go back in time and stop myself and the guys from getting on that space cruise. But now I don't really mind being stuck on this planet anymore; because now I finally get to have the little brother I always wanted.
...
I treated myself to another stroll around Ponyville the following morning. Just as I was thinking that I wasn't going to have to speak to anyone on my constitutional, I immediately felt a presence I have not felt since...well, three months ago.
"Jeffrie, over here!"
Following the sound of the voice, I was mildly surprised to see Twilight Sparkle in the flesh. Requesting my presence with a beckoning hoof, I decided to go along and take a seat outside of a nearby restaurant.
"I take it that you eat here frequently?" I started things off with a simple question.
"Only when I feel like it," she said, "today just happens to be one of those times. And who would've thought that we'd run into each other?"
That's when I finally noticed the waiter pony standing beside us. "What will you have today, sir?" the waiter asked me.
"That depends, do you have anything without hay in it?"
"Would a bowl of apples suffice, sir?"
"Fine by me."
After taking my order, Twilight and I were allowed to have a moment to ourselves. "I've been hearing a lot of things about Spike ever since he moved in with you guys." Twilight brought up.
"Was him winning the Little League championship for his team one of them?" I mentioned.
"Yes, it was. In fact, I was actually there to watch it."
"Really? I don't remember spotting you in the crowd."
"I didn't want Spike to notice me. You see, after I read your letter, I just felt like the worst friend in all of Equestria. A day hadn't even pass before I started to miss having him around; so I've been watching him from a distance these past few months. Every time I had to see him roaming around with you, your friends, or by himself, I wanted nothing more than to run to him and tell him how sorry I am for driving him away, but a bit of me knew that he probably still thinks I'm ashamed of him, so I gave him his space. I come to accept that having to write letters, put up books, make breakfast, and buy supplies all by myself was the punishment I deserve for making my number one assistant feel like I didn't need him anymore. And last night, when I had to crawl into bed and see that empty basket for the umpteenth time, I realize now just how much I've taken him for granted."
I spotted fragments of tears beginning to build up in Twilight's eyes, I started to form a half smile as I took those tears as a sign that maybe she truly does want to make amends. "So you decided to apologize to him?"
"Yes, of course," she wiped away those tears with a napkin, "as soon as he comes back to the library."
My half smile and any hope that I may have started to have for her quickly crumbled after hearing that last statement. Before I could continue, I was briefly interrupted by the arrival of the waiter. After he left the bowl filled with apples of every color on the table, I looked Twilight dead in the eyes and said, "What are you trying to say exactly?"
"I appreciate you giving Spike a home to stay in when he ran away." She started. "But three months is long enough for me to not be near him. So if you could go back and tell him to pack up his things, I'll come over and take him home."
I couldn't believe the words she was telling me. Spike and I had just become brothers last night, and now Twilight comes out of nowhere and tells me that he's got a return policy on himself. I wasn't going to have any of that! Clenching my fist to the tablecloth, I chose the next words to come out of my mouth while making my anger more than clear. "You can't do this, Twilight. You can't just turn your back on a nice kid and try dragging him back to you just as he's finally started to move on with his life. Do you just enjoy denying that boy a chance at having fun and making new friends? Or did you just get tired of that owl you replaced Spike with and decided to put that kid back in his old place as your underappreciated slave?!"
"I never adopted Owlowiscious to replace Spike!" After receiving some very awkward stares from the other ponies, Twilight had to compose herself before saying anything else. "I just needed him to help me at night whenever Spike got too tired."
"Then why didn't you just tell that to Spike in the first place?" The stunned look on Twilight's face more than proved what a jackass she must feel like right now. "If that was truly your intention from the get-go, why couldn't you bother to tell that to Spike the moment you introduced him to Owlowiscious? Andrew told me all about how Fluttershy mentioned that Spike may have felt he was being replaced and how you shrugged it off. All you had to do was be straightforward with that boy and he wouldn't have had any reason to be jealous of that owl, nor would you have end up hurting the poor kid's feelings. Doesn't it kinda go without saying that good friends should always let each other know what their real intentions are? Because for a pony who supposedly tries to teach everyone about friendship, you seem to really suck at it. I suppose that's what I should expect from a pony who treats a kid she's supposed to take care of as one of her library books that needs to be returned by a certain date."
"You're not being fair, Jeffrie."
"Who the Hell are you to talk about being fair?!" my outburst attracted a lot of scared ponies' attention. "Was it fair for you to leave Spike behind to clean up your messes while you go have fun with your friends? Or what about the fact that you've pretty much made a kid spend the majority of his life having to take care of your lazy ass? That sure don't sound fair to me. The way I see it, Spike has never had so much fun in his life since the day he stopped having to serve you. What makes you think he even wants to come back to you?"
"I'm the one who hatched him!" a now defensive Twilight retorted.
"So? That doesn't make him your property, Twilight, and you should be ashamed of yourself for viewing him as such. Spike will keep living with us for as long as he likes, and you're not gonna get in the way and take his happiness away from him. If you got a problem with that, tough shit."
"I would remind you that I'm still Spike's legal guardian! Even now, I can so easily press kidnapping charges against you if I wanted to!"
Not intimidated even the slightest by her venomous threat, I leaned my head forward with a stone expression as I gave her my reply. "Then I guess it's time for Spike to get a new guardian." As I rose from my seat, I gave the bowl of apples a firm slap with my hand and let the sound of it cracking echo around the restaurant. With that done, I then turned my back and left a rather startled Twilight by herself.
Once I returned home, I caught Spike and Jonathan playing a round of Marvel vs. Capcom 3--with Andrew just sitting back and watching it. After hearing Jonathan spew out a curse in defeat, I didn't hesitate to turn off the PS3.
"Hey, I was just about to do a rematch!" Jonathan whined.
"You can get your ass kicked by Spike later," I told him. "Right now, I have something very important to say. I bumped into Twilight this morning, she told me that she wants Spike back and I made it clear that he doesn't have to live with her if he doesn't want to. She of course reminded me that she's his legal guardian, but I'm gonna see to it that raising Spike no longer becomes her responsibility."
"And how are you gonna do that?" Andrew wondered.
"By suing her, of course."
The whole room turned quiet after that, until Jonathan broke that silence with a loud snort. "Good luck affording a lawyer."
"If I'm lucky, he or she might go pro bono for me." I said somewhat optimistically.
"You actually won't have to worry about that." Spike made his voice be heard. "If you guys were living in Canterlot or other big cities, you'd have to hire an actual lawyer. But small towns like Ponyville operate on a volunteer system; all anypony has to do is take a five-hour class, score a ninety or above on their test, and they can be a volunteer lawyer."
"Well that makes things easier." I said. "Andrew, you're gonna be my volunteer lawyer."
"Why can't Jonathan do it?" he asked.
"Because knowing how much Jonathan has a hard on for her, I can't risk having him cost me the case."
"Oh, good point. But what makes you think I can even past the test? I was lucky enough to even get passable grades on those tests back in high school."
Taking note of his lack of confidence, I decided to resort to another tactic. "That's a shame, because I once overheard Applejack saying how much she finds lawyers to be very sexy."
Looking at me with an irritated expression, Andrew shook his head as he said, "You clever son of a bitch."
The moment he went out the door, I turned back to Jonathan. "All right Jonathan, while Andrew and I are off to court tomorrow, you're gonna have to keep Spike company."
"Why do I have to babysit him?" he crossed his arms.
"Because I said so. Besides, you two need to start getting along anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to gather a few notes before tomorrow."
...
Andrew did all that he can to pay attention throughout the whole five hours he had to spend in that class, and to say that he wasn't nervous to take the test afterwards would be a blatant lie. But through hard work and luck, Andrew was able to score a ninety-one and earned himself a certificate that makes him an official volunteer lawyer.
With all of that out of the way, Andrew and I were than prepared to annihilate Twilight on this trial. Rarity was generous enough to fashion a gray suit for Andrew, as well as a dark red tie and a white-collar shirt to wear beneath the suit. As we took to our seats inside Town Hall, waiting for the trial to commence, I watched Andrew--who put a big pair of glasses in attempt to make himself look like Atticus Finch--rub some Axe hair gel on his head (hoping to impress Applejack no doubt), a bunch of random ponies coming in to witness the whole thing, and Twilight sitting by herself across from us. After we both gave each other cold glares, everybody rose up once we've heard the Mayor finally making her entrance as she got up on the judge's podium.
"This court is now in session." After delivering a firm bang with her gabble, we all sat down. "Mares and gentlecolts, today's trial will be between Twilight Sparkle and Jeffrie..."
"Turner." I enlightened the Mayor. "My last name is Turner."
"Right." The Mayor continued. "Twilight Sparkle v. Jeffrie Turner: over who gets sole custody over Spike the Dragon. Now, will the..."
"Why doesn't Twilight have a lawyer?" a pony in the crowd blurted out, which caused a ripple effect of a whole lot of ponies murmuring to each other.
"Order! Order!" the Mayor let her gabble pound away until the courtroom was filled with nothing but silence. Looking over to Twilight, she saw that she's--in fact--sans a lawyer. "Do we have any volunteer lawyers amongst us?"
Everyone just stood still without uttering a single sound; not even a cough could be heard. Just as we were all thinking this taciturnity would be going on any longer, we were all startled a by sudden shout. "I'll do it!" following the sound of that voice, we all saw that it belonged to none other than Derpy!
"You're a volunteer lawyer, Derpy?" the Mayor wanted to make sure.
"Uh-huh, I received my certificate yesterday!" she immediately raised her certificate in the air for everyone to see.
I have to admit, I was a little amazed to see that Derpy was somehow smart enough to pass a test (although it could've been a temporary stroke of genius). None of us knew whether God is on our side, or karma has finally come to collect Twilight's debt. The only thing we did know is that winning this case will be a cinch.
"Would the prosecution wish to make an opening statement?" the Mayor offered Andrew a chance to speak.
Rising from his seat, Andrew faced the crowd--after clearing his throat--and said, "Everyone, my friend, Jeffrie, may not strike any of you as the sentimental or caring type, but during the past three months he has given a boy who was rejected by his so called 'guardian' a warm and loving home to stay in. Jeffrie isn't just trying to be Spike's new guardian, he's here to keep that boy from falling into the hooves of a certain unicorn who only wants him to clean her home and write letters for her. By the time this trial is over, I truly hope that the court will see just why Jeffrie is the guardian Spike deserves."
"Does the defense have anything to add?"
Derpy wasted no time in flying off her chair and making her statement. "Twilight Sparkle isn't just one of the smartest ponies in Ponyville, she's also a loving and caring friend to Spike. Sure, they may have had a little fall out, but it's nothing that two good friends can't fix together. But how will she ever get the chance to make up to him if she's denied his custody? This is why it's very important that the court allow Twilight to continue raising Spike as his guardian."
"All right then, who'd like to go first?" Andrew was about to take his turn until I made him sit back down and allow Derpy to go first. "Do you have any witnesses?"
"Yes Mayor Mare," Derpy confirmed, "I call Twilight Sparkle to the stand." After teleporting herself to the stand and swearing the oath, Twilight was prepared for what's to come next. "Twilight Sparkle, how long have you known Spike?"
"Since the day I hatched him during an entrance exam."
"What led to you being his guardian?"
"A week after the exam, Celestia told me how she's been looking after Spike but could no longer have the time to do it. So she placed the responsibility of taking care of him on my back. Of course, I was still just a filly when I adopted him, so my parents had to help me out most of the times. But once I got older, I took it upon myself to teach him everything he needs to know."
"Like how to do your laundry?" I said out loud.
Finding the will to ignore my remark, Twilight continued. "Now, I admit that I may have been too harsh when I snapped at him; but doesn't everypony lose their tempers whenever their children do something wrong? Does that automatically mean they no longer love them? Would I even be fighting for Spike's custody if I didn't love him?"
"Good point." Said Derpy. "No further questions."
With that said, Andrew was more than ready to start his interrogation on her. "Twilight, is Spike more than just an assistant to you?"
"Of course he is," Twilight said in a matter-of-fact tone, "he's both my friend and my family."
"You care to explain to the court what exactly happened on the day Spike ran away and lived with us?"
"On that day, Owlowiscious and I walked inside and saw Spike tear up a toy mouse and tried to frame Owlowiscious for it. I was so appalled by his actions that I had to scold him, and I'm guessing he must've taken it the wrong way."
"Now why would a nice kid like Spike try to frame an owl?"
"I'm guessing it's because he must've felt jealous towards him."
"And what reason did Spike have to be jealous?"
"I don't know! I only took in Owlowiscious to help me whenever Spike's too tired; I never thought even a second that Spike would feel like he's being replaced. What else could I have done?"
"You could've just told the kid that you never planned on making your pet owl his replacement in the first place."
"So I've been told."
Andrew decided to move onto another topic. "Twilight, when Spike came to our home and told us all that had happened, he said that you called him a disappointment."
"I never said that!" she shouted in defense. "He must've just exaggerated my words a bit."
"Did he also exaggerate about you yelling at him for sneezing fire into one of your books?"
"No, that did happen. But I didn't raise my voice at him for setting one of my books on fire."
"Then why did you?"
"Because he lied about it! I raised him to be better than this, and he just lies to my face!"
"So you're saying that when you were Spike's age you never once did something wrong and lied about it to your parents, simply because you were afraid of getting in trouble?"
That was enough to make Twilight sink to her seat. "Well...I wasn't really much of an angel when I was filly."
"Then you admit that you could've been a little easier on Spike when you called him out?" Twilight couldn't bring any responses to come out of her muzzle. "Twilight, before Spike told us about the events that drove him to run away, the first thing he said was that you didn't love him anymore. Do you deny it?"
"You bet I deny it! I would never say something so hurtful to him! All I said was he's not the same Spike I know and love! I told you he was exaggerating my words!"
"Who's more to blame here?" I spoke out. "The kid for being jealous, or the incompetent grownup who's naïve enough to not even bother to spare a few seconds to assure the kid he has no reason to be jealous in the first place?"
"You be quiet!" Twilight pounded both her hooves on the stand as she lost her cool.
"Order in the court!" the Mayor banged her gabble until we were all subdued.
"I have no further questions for her." Andrew replied calmly.
With Twilight back at her seat, the Mayor looked to Andrew as she said, "Do you have any witnesses to call to the stand?"
"As a matter of fact, Mayor, I do." Andrew confirmed. "I call Jeffrie Turner to the stand."
The moment I took my seat upon the stand, I looked Twilight right in her eyes with a look that says "you're going down" as I also gave my knuckles a firm crack. Once Andrew asks me my first question, I intend to remove my gloves and hit her with everything that I got until she no longer has a single ounce of breath left in her.
"Jeffrie, do you believe that Twilight deserves to hold sole custody over Spike?" Andrew started off.
"Hell no," I made my opinion more than clear, "I can honestly say that Spike is much better off never having to be near her ever again!"
"OBJECTION!" Derpy cried out.
"On what grounds?" the Mayor asked.
"No reason, I just wanted to say that."
While Twilight let her head drop to the table in response to that sheer density, the Mayor stared blinking at the cross-eyed pegasus until clearing her throat. "Overruled. Continue Andrew."
"Jeffrie," said Andrew, "do you have any reasons as to why Twilight should never be near Spike again?"
"Oh, I got enough reasons to fill up a whole volume!" I claimed. "It all started on the first day we came to Ponyville and lived with Twilight. After he pulled out a big guest bed for us, we were shocked to see him sleeping in a basket. And you know what else likes to sleep in baskets? Dogs. So when Twilight referred to him as 'family,' I was wondering if she meant as the family pet."
"That's a lie!" Twilight shouted.
"Order in the court!" the Mayor silenced her.
"Furthermore, Twilight claims to have taught Spike everything he needs to know. The truth is she only taught him to do one thing and one thing only: to serve her. After we both made a trip to the grocery store, Spike shared with me all the times he had to do Twilight's biddings. From writing letters, to gathering scrolls, to making her food, to even cleaning her entire home, and not once did Twilight Sparkle paid him for his services. There's a word for people who work without getting paid: slaves." Allowing all of that to sink in, the whole crowd began to murmur amongst themselves while Twilight just sat there practically feeling their stares. "And if you ask me, I find it more than ridiculous that a pony who has to be at least sixteen or seventeen is having to depend on a ten-year-old boy to take care of her."
"Spike's nine!" Twilight corrected me.
"Thanks for proving my point." After allowing Twilight to silently curse herself for an idiot, I continued my speech. "She may convince all of you that she's given that kid everything, but there's one thing I've given him that she couldn't."
"What's that?" Andrew asked.
"A childhood. Once he started living with us, he got to join a baseball team, go to the arcade, go to parties, and play with kids his own age. At first, he was having to cook for us, but once I've finally learned how to cook for myself, that boy was allowed to have just as much fun as he wanted. Twilight, however, went out of her way to deprive him of a chance at just being a kid; she forced a sweet little boy to grow up too early and make him handle the responsibilities that she's supposed to be taking care of."
"You take that back, Jeffrie!" the now defensive unicorn shot back.
"Twilight Sparkle!" the Mayor banged her gabble some more. "If I hear one more outburst out of you, I'll hold you in contempt of court!"
With now no choice but to keep her trap shut, I continue to make my statement in peace. "My point being is that should Spike have the misfortune of being stuck under Twilight's custody once again, not only will he be denied of a childhood, but he'll also find himself having to spend the rest of his life with a responsibility dodging unicorn whom he takes care of more than she does him."
"What exactly first caused you to suspect that Twilight doesn't really care for the boy?" Andrew asked.
"My suspicions were confirmed the day Spike almost drowned at the end of the Winter Wrap Up." Twilight was about to blurt something out, only to have her hoof quickly plug it up. "I remember it as if it were yesterday; Twilight Sparkle, her five friends, and the entire population of Ponyville stood by and watched a little dragon fall asleep on melting ice which drifted towards the center of the lake. And I do believe you were there to witness this yourself, Mayor."
The Mayor began to blush in shame after receiving that brutal reminder. "Ah...yes, I do remember being there when it happened."
"You'd all think that after claiming how much she loves Spike that Twilight would've teleported him back to dryland or lift him with her magic, right?" I got back to where I left off. "No, she instead laughed with her friends as they all stood there and watched. I discovered recently from one of Twilight's books that dragons are apparently cold-blooded, which means had he been left in that water for too long, it would've harmed him a great deal. So because I went out of my way to save that boy, I prevented him from both drowning and freezing to death.
"After that incident, I took it upon myself to keep my cellphone on the recording settings every time I speak with Twilight. During Rainbow Dash's and Applejack's Iron Pony competition, she allowed them to use Spike as a crash test dummy for one of their games. When I called her out on it, these were the exact words she used to describe her concern over his well-being."
Taking my cellphone out of my pocket, I set it to the recorder and turned up the volume so that even someone all the way from outer space could hear it. Finding the right recording, I gave the play button a firm press and this is what came out: "Oh please, Spike's been through much worse than this; besides, he's a tough dragon, he can handle a little pain."
The entire crowd joined together in one loud gasp upon hearing Twilight's condescending words; Twilight in turn did nothing but let her head drop in both shame and regret.
"But it didn't stop there. Oh no, she immediately setup Spike for the next round in the competition, and I didn't stay silent during that either. After I called her out on her disregard for his safety, she had some pretty choice words to say about that."
I then scrolled down to the next recording and pressed it for all to hear: "Hey, don't tell me how to raise my assistant! I was the one who made him hatch, so therefore, I automatically know what's best for him! So why don't you butt out and leave the parenting to the professionals?!"
Now the ponies began to shower Twilight with aggressive boos and jeers; had there been crates filled with empty bottles, they would no doubt be throwing them at her. After the Mayor quelled the rowdy audience with her gabble, Andrew was allowed to ask one more question.
"Jeffrie, do you love Spike?"
The next words I said were filled with nothing but sincerity. "I do. I love that kid like he was my own brother. I cherished these last three months I've spent with him; not once did I ever regret opening my door to him. Not only did he teach me how to cook and made every day a lot more fun, but he also showed me how it feels to be a big brother. Last night, Spike came in and tells me about a nightmare he had which involved Twilight not wanting him in her life again and seeing how upset it was making him I let him sleep with me for the night. We chatted for a little bit, and next thing you know he asks if he could be my brother. And who am I to deny him such a request? I, in a manner of speaking, adopted him as my little brother, and that's when the little guy embraced me as he fell asleep. I knew that from that one gesture alone, that I had truly earned his trust; so I pretty much vowed to myself that as his brother I would protect him from those who would hurt him, listen to any problems he may have, and never abandon him when he needs me the most.
"So when Twilight Sparkle walks up to me and says that I have to give him back to her, I wasn't gonna stand for it. I confess, I've grown too attached to that little guy to just hand him over like an overdue library book. And if anyone of you have little brothers of your own, you'd be doing the same thing if you were in my shoes." Pausing for a moment, I took a good gander at the rows of ponies who were crying and hugging their little brothers who accompanied them. "Now, after everything I've just said, I'm sure that some of you might feel that I'm being too harsh on Twilight or just downright going too far. If there are some of you who feel that way, then I'll tell you right now that I don't regret saying anything if it's to protect someone I care for. I can say as a fact that I strongly believe that I care about Spike more than she does, because of how far I'm willing to go. By the time this trial ends, it'll all come down to a very simple choice: Spike's safety can either be placed in the hands of a man who can take care of himself, who doesn't ignore him, and who'll risk his life just to save his skin; or be placed in the hooves of a lazy, unappreciative, sadistic pony."
"No further questions." Andrew went back to his seat.
Just as Derpy was about to fly up to me, her tail got caught by Twilight's aura and was pulled back to her seat. "OK Derpy," Twilight whispered to her, "my chances of keeping custody over Spike are in your hooves. Which is why it's extremely imperative that you ask him a question that'll turn things around."
"Don't worry, Twilight," the cross-eyed pegasus gave the stressful unicorn a pat on the head, "I know exactly what I'm gonna ask him." Being allowed to fly up close to me at last, Derpy took a deep breath before asking her essential question. "Jeffrie, do you like muffins?"
After seeing Twilight's jaw fall flat on the table, I decided to just go along and humor the simpleminded pegasus. "Yes, I do."
"Would you like to get some at Sugarcube Corner afterwards?"
"No, I'm good."
A now dejected Derpy ended it all on, "No further questions."
Once the Mayor got up to leave and contemplate her judgement, Twilight looked at Derpy with twitchy eyes as she said, "Um, WHAT?! That was your question?!"
"I was hungry," Derpy justified her action, "so I wanted to know if he was too."
"How was that supposed to help my case?!"
"Nothing. I figured that we already more than prove what a great guardian you are."
"Jeffrie got everypony to boo at me, there's no way the Mayor is ruling in my favor!"
"Think nothing of it, Twilight. The Mayor probably wasn't even that influenced by what he said anyway."
Thirty minutes passed until we heard the door creak loud enough to announce the Mayor's return. Sitting herself back on her podium, the Mayor kept every one of us still in anticipation until passing on her judgement. "After careful consideration, it is the court's decision that custody over Spike the Dragon shall hereby be granted to Jeffrie Turner. Twilight Sparkle, you will be entitled to visit Spike on certain days, during specific times--while under the supervision of his new guardian. Tomorrow morning, I'll expect you and Jeffrie to arrive at my office to setup a schedule; but should you make any attempts to see Spike pass your schedule or without any consent from his guardian, you will be permanently stripped of your visiting privileges and be placed under a restraining order. Court adjourned!"
Rather than jumping out of my seat and shouting my lungs out in celebration, I settled on giving Andrew a fist bump. As the ponies started making their way out of Town Hall, Andrew and I were about to join them until the sound of sniffling made us stop. Looking over at Twilight, we saw the purple unicorn bury her face within her hooves, weeping to herself, while none of the rest of ponies--except for Derpy--showed any interest or sympathy.
"There, there, Twi," the cross-eyed Pegasus did her best to comfort her, "I know it won't be the same as seeing him as much as you like. Would you like a muffin? They always cheer me up when I'm down." Her kind offer only intensified Twilight's sobbing to the point where tears began to flood over the table.
Before I could dwell on this sight any longer, Andrew placed a hand on my shoulder as he led me out of the building. If there was one upside to delaying our exit, it's that it kept us from having to plow through a large crowd of ponies. "What do you say we head on home?" I stretched my arms while speaking to my friend.
"You go ahead," Andrew said distractedly, "I've got some matters of my own to attend to." After Andrew started making his way to a passing by Applejack, I decided that he more than earned his alone time, so I went on to tell Spike the good news.
Back at home, Jonathan chose Street Fighter IV as his next dish to satisfy his more than bizarre hunger for humiliation. During the entire Trial, he and Spike has played on every arena, with every character. And just as you may have expected, Spike rekt Jonathan throughout every single last playthrough.
"Dammit!" Jonathan threw his controller down in a fit of salty rage. "Why can't I beat you?!"
"Other than because you suck?" Spike rubbed a lot more salt in Jonathan's wounds.
"Gary Stu!"
"Sore loser."
Accepting the brutal reality that he won't be beating the kid anytime soon, Jonathan turned the PS3 off before sitting back down to speak his mind. "You know something, you're just lucky that Jeffrie has such a soft spot for you, otherwise you wouldn't be living here!"
"Yeah, I overheard your little argument from that night," Spike looked at and spoke to him with indifference. "I know fully well about you not wanting me around."
"I wouldn't have to feel that way if you quit being such a pain in the ass! Just what did I even do to you?!"
The raised eyebrow and frown Spike was making more than hinted indignation. "Seriously? You're really gonna pretend that you never called me a lizard on the first day we met?"
Hearing this new tone took Jonathan back a bit. "OK, so I may have said an offhand comment. So what?"
"So what?! How would you have liked it if I called you a monkey?! Not a single bit of your feelings would've been hurt?! Well what you said certainly hurt mine; and I was thinking you and I may have been good friends, and you just insult me for no reason and not even bother being a little contrite for it!"
Getting all of that out of his system, Spike wrapped both his claws behind his head giving in to the couch's cozy power, while leaving Jonathan to ponder all that he said. The more Jonathan ruminated over it, the more he started to reckon that perhaps he was more to blame for their petty feud. Seeing that the stoic expression is still stuck on the dragon's face, Jonathan kept his eyes forward as he dug deep inside himself to find these next words.
"Look, Spike, if it's not too late, I'm sorry for calling you a lizard."
Turning his head back to the kid, he expected to see him keeping eyes off of him, only to instead find him returning his gaze with a forgiving smile.
"I think that's the first nice thing you've ever said to me." Spike pointed out.
"Yeah, well don't get used to it," Jonathan tried shrugging off his brief kindness as if it were making him dirty. "You're still an obnoxious little pest."
"And you're still the same whiny crybaby who's in love with a unicorn who's way out of your league."
"Oh, and I suppose you believe you actually have a chance with Rarity?"
"Of course I do. After all, I help her with anything, I always compliment her dresses--as well as her looks. Why wouldn't she fall for me?"
"You're. A. Kid."
"So? That doesn't mean I won't grow into a handsome, strong dragon later on; and when I do, she'll be all mine."
Why can't you just stick with girls your own age? Just as Jonathan made that thought, he and Spike quickly twisted their focus over to the opening door which signaled my arrival. "I take it by your grin that you won the trial?"
"You bet!" I confirmed with glee.
"Great, now I can finally stop babysitting and go take a shower."
Once Jonathan was out of the room, I took this chance to share an idea I just had with the kid. "So Spike, since you're gonna be a permanent residence here, how would you like to have a room of your own?"
"You mean it?!" from the way he said it, I almost expected Spike to pounce on me with a big hug.
"Of course. It was Twilight's friends who helped build the whole house, I'm sure they may have some time to add a new room."
"Sweet! You wanna play a game?"
"Why not?" just before the tip of my fingers even graze the controller, my whole body came to a halt by the sudden knocking coming from the door. Opening it, I was greeted by a more than downtrodden Twilight with her head bowed down, while letting little droplets of tears land on my front porch. "What is it?"
My tone was harsh at first, but it diminished the moment Twilight raised her head and I saw those bloodshot eyes of her. "You've won fair and square," Twilight sniffled. "I know that I'm not supposed to be visiting until tomorrow, but I can't wait. Please Jeffrie, I just want to speak to him."
Had this been the condescending and insensitive Twilight from yesterday I wouldn't hesitate to slam the door and tell her to piss off, but the Twilight standing before me is now a devastated and humbled pony who only wishes to patch things up with the child whose heart she had broken. I may have taken away her guardianship over Spike, but I wasn't gonna deny her the chance to apologize.
"Spike, you have a visitor."
Leaping off the couch, he scurried to me with a little pep until his whole body completely froze stiff the minute he finally noticed Twilight. After months without seeing or speaking to her, and assuming she wanted nothing to do with him, the little guy just stared at her with wide eyes while she stared back at him with eyes full of sorrow. Feeling that her towering presence is probably intimidating him, Twilight bent all four of her legs so that she knelt down to his eye level.
"Spike, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to comprehend just how much I've hurt you. And all because you were consumed by jealousy towards Owlowiscious, which is mostly my fault. You see Spike, I didn't take Owlowiscious in to replace you, I did it because he could help me at night while you're asleep. I understand now just how foolish I was to never tell you this from the beginning. I'm also sorry for making you think that my love is something you can lose; there is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. The truth is, Spike, you're more than my number one assistant, you're also the first real friend I ever had. When Celestia gave you to me, having to take care of you got in the way of my studies as well as put me through a lot of stress. Then, when we returned home after an embarrassing scene, you grabbed Smarty Pants and tried to tell me how you wanted to be like her. (I even remember how I came up with your name from those words you tried saying.) It then occurred to me that Celestia wasn't just giving me a baby dragon to raise, she was giving me a friend. I know that none of that stopped me from being such a lousy friend to you, and I'm very sorry for being so harsh towards you for a little misunderstanding. It's just that you're so smart and helpful that I keep forgetting that you're still a kid; I never even truly appreciated all the hard work you do for me. I had to live all by myself for three months to realize just how lonely my life is when you're not in it. If living with Jeffrie is what you really want, then I'll settle to visiting you for a couple of days; and when we do get to spend time, I promise you that we'll only do any fun stuff that you can think of. I only hope that you can one day forgive me for never being the friend you deserve."
Every single word she just said came at Spike so fast and unexpected that it left him speechless. Looking down in deep contemplation, while neither smiling nor frowning, Spike almost couldn't believe that he heard everything that came out of Twilight's muzzle. While watching the boy process it all in silence, I had a feeling that perhaps Twilight's tender words really did go through to him; and I felt both relief and dread over the thought of it.
"Jeffrie," Spike came to a decision, "living with you guys have been the most fun I've ever had in a long time; I don't even know how to thank you for bringing me into your home and for helping me get over the heart break I had felt...but I can't hurt Twilight the same way she did to me. I ran away because I thought she didn't need me anymore, but now she needs me more than ever. I know you went through a whole lot of effort just to be my new guardian, but is it OK if I go back with Twilight?"
Even right now, I can easily grab Spike by the arm and just make him stay here. True, I would risk straining our newfound brotherly bond, and he'll even grow to hate me for it, but I could always take comfort in myself knowing that it was for his own good. Alas, I couldn't find it in my heart to hurt that boy (not even for his own good). Repressing my true feelings to the farthest corner of my mind, I dropped to one knee and told my little brother what he wanted to hear.
"My door will always be opened to you, Spike. The next time you decide to come back, there'll be a new room waiting for you." I almost choked once the little guy lunged towards me and bind my neck in a tight hug. Loosening his grip, I was allowed to give the boy an embrace of my own. It only lasted for about twelve seconds, but I could still feel his warm scales scrape against my face, and the tears of joy that were sliding down my cheek. Once we both let go, I felt that our goodbye wouldn't be complete without something else. "High five," his claw slapped my hand, "to the side," his claw and my hand both collided, "down lo--" my palm was given a hard smack before I could finish. "In the hole," forming an O shape with my fingers, I waited for Spike to stick his claw in and hear something different, "you got soul!"
With that out of the way, Spike didn't think twice before tackling straight into Twilight and allowing her to envelop him with both her hooves. Laying her head atop of his, I saw more tears leaking from Twilight's eyes (only these weren't the kind that hurt). Twilight did not want to have to let go of him; she must've been convinced that he'll always be with her the longer she hugs him. But she eventually remembered that even dragons need to breathe, so she reluctantly released her hold on him. The minute Spike started making his way back to Twilight's place, said unicorn had a few more words to say.
"Jeffrie, I can't begin to tell you how..."
All it took was one raised hand to make her go quiet. "Let's make this clear, I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for him. Tomorrow, when we go see the Mayor, if I ask her to give guardianship back to you, then you have to promise that you're gonna do right for that boy. That means no more leaving him behind to fool around with your friends, no more making him do manual labor for you without thanking him or paying him, and no more keeping the truth from him until the last minute. I want you to look me in the eye and swear that you'll be a better friend from now on; I don't want this to be something I'm gonna regret. You hear me?"
Wiping off any stray tears, Twilight's eyes got a little bit of white back. "After everything that has happened, I don't plan on ever driving Spike away ever again." Accepting her word for what it is, I was ready to close the door until Twilight placed a hoof on me. "Thank you Jeffrie, for looking after Spike through these past months."
"You're welcome."
Burying the hatchet, the two of us went our separate ways; Twilight going back to her treehouse with Spike, and myself taking a seat on the couch. Since one of my friends is still in the shower, and the other one is off trying make a move on a cowgirl, I let my body slouch as I contemplate what just happened. A whole lot of my gut tells me that I might've made the wrong choice in letting Spike return to Twilight, that her heartwarming speech was probably about as sincere as a politician's. But beneath all that doubt, a small flicker of hope was assuring me that perhaps Twilight will stay true to her word and change for the better...I hope.
Four days had passed since Spike went back to living with Twilight, and the whole place already feels a little empty without him around. By the time I finished relinquishing guardianship back to her, I figured that now would be a great time to ask her about adding a guest room to the house. To show her gratitude, Twilight, along with her friends, went out of their way to contact a construction crew to come in and build an additional room in our house.
I was now standing inside the now fully built guest room. It stood across from our rooms, and it's as long as all three of them put together. It consisted of a large twin size bed, an oval shaped rug colored with violet and heliotrope patterns, a plump green bag on top of the rug, and a small empty bookshelf next to the bed. I kept the furnishing to a bare minimum mainly because Spike would no doubt want to fill it up with things that he'd like if he ever has second thoughts and decides to live with us again.
After staying in the new addition to the house long enough, I made my way down the stairs when the sound of the door slamming shut caused me to look up in a snap and see Andrew and Jonathan standing before it. "Were you two talking to someone?" I asked.
"It was only Pinkie Pie giving us a singing telegram about her pet alligator's birthday party." Andrew clarified.
"Andrew and I are gonna go and maybe try confessing our feelings to Twilight and Applejack. You wanna come with us? I bet Fluttershy will be there."
"Nah, you two can go on without me," I politely declined Jonathan's offer as I flipped the TV on. "Besides, you know I hate birthday parties."
"I hope you can think up a good excuse to tell Pinkie Pie," Andrew told me.
"Don't worry, I already have."
...
The following day, I wasted no time in paying a visit to Sugarcube Corner. After greeting Mrs. Cake, I made my way up the stairs which led me to Pinkie Pie's room, where I found the pink party pony herself lying on the floor with Gummy nearby. "Hey Pinkie, I came to tell you that I was planning on coming to the party yesterday; but then I took an arrow to the knee, so I had to stay home and let it heal. You understand, right?" upon receiving nothing but silence, it quickly dawned on me that Pinkie Pie is not even aware of my presence. "Hello! Can you hear me?"
Waving my hand in front of her was enough to get the party pony back into reality. "Oh, sorry Jeffrie. It's just that I invited all of my friends to attend Gummy's after party and they're all too busy to come."
"Sounds like they got their hooves full." Not hearing a single peep out of Pinkie's muzzle, I was mildly surprised to see that she quickly moved straight to the window with the cartoon like reflexes that only she can be capable of. "You see something?"
"It's Twilight," she said, "she told me that she had to study, but she's stepping inside all sneaky like."
"Maybe I should go down and see what she's up to." True to my word, I crept down the stairs and stopped halfway so as to not give away my position to Twilight. Letting the whole place echo with the call bell, Mrs. Cake stepped in and said, "Ooh! You must be here for..."
The purple unicorn quickly silenced the plump light blue mare before she could finish her sentence. "Is Pinkie Pie around?"
"Oh, I don't think so."
"Good. I don't want her to know anything about this."
"Yes, of course. I'll be right back."
While Mrs. Cake went back in the kitchen, that's when I finally took notice of the red tin can which was hanging right in front of Twilight by a string. It didn't take too long for Mrs. Cake to return while handing over a box to Twilight--possibly containing a cake no doubt. Just as she was about to take her leave, Twilight finally detected the idly hanging tin can which she gave a tug for a closer examination, only to result in it being violently pulled back so hard that the string snapped and made the can go straight into her muzzle! Once the can slid out and gave Twilight's muzzle a goofy looking appearance, I allowed my cover to be blown just to satisfy my need of laughter.
"Hey Twilight, why a long face?!"
"Hello Jeffrie," Twilight let out an annoyed sigh as she made her exit with the box.
With that out of the way, I returned to Pinkie Pie and shared the whole ordeal with her. "So what happened?" she inquired.
"Mrs. Cake gave Twilight a box, and it seems that they're determined to keep this a secret from you."
"What could they possibly not want me to know about?"
"Perhaps the girls have found some buried treasure and sent Twilight to get a cake so they can celebrate without you."
"That does sound like a possibility. But why would they want to exclude me? I'm their friend, aren't I?"
"If you're so curious you can always just follow Twilight and see what she and the others are up to."
My little suggestion was all it took to make Pinkie let out a giddy squeal. "Jeffrie, you're a genius!"
"Thanks for reminding me what I already know."
"You're welcome. Now come on, we've got some spying to do."
...
As the two of us trailed behind Twilight Sparkle (with the song "Secret Agent Man" playing in my head), we watched as the purple unicorn sneaked all over Ponyville until passing the box to Rarity, who then proceeded to creep along and only stopped to exchange the box to Fluttershy, all the while we heard each of them say some pretty questionable things concerning Pinkie Pie that would no doubt confirm her suspicions. Throughout all of this, Pinkie would put on disguise, after disguise, after disguise, until she made herself look like a bale of hay wearing a gray coat, a baseball cap, and some funny glasses; but even that didn't prevent Rainbow Dash of all ponies from recognizing her. And no sooner did she spot the pink pony did the blue pegasus shoot off like a bullet. And just as fast as Rainbow Dash flew off did I notice that Pinkie Pie just flat out vanished from my sight! I just stood there all confused until an orange portal appeared on a nearby wall and I saw Pinkie Pie pop out with a real portal gun in her hoof!
"Come on, Jeffrie, we gotta get moving!"
Aiming the gun in a random angle, Pinkie fired a blue portal up to the sky and pulled me in with her until we both jumped out and landed on the top of a mountain. Standing around and doing absolutely nothing at the moment, I decided to go ahead and address the obvious elephant in the room.
"Where did you get that portal gun?"
"I don't know." Pinkie shrugged. "I just stumbled upon it one day and have been using it to jump from one location to another ever since--though I'm still trying to find the cake that's supposed to come with it."
"So this is how you manage to go to places so quickly?"
"Well duh! How else did you think I did it? With magic?" her Pinkie Sense, must've been tingling, because she immediately held her hoof out and pulled up a surprised Rainbow Dash; and that's when she took notice of the saddlebags on the blue pegasus' back. "What's in those bags?!"
The second Rainbow Dash tried to escape, instead of having us jump through another portal, Pinkie made me clutch her tail as she ran after her pegasus friend with the speed of The Flash, until we saw her, and Applejack hide inside a barn in Sweet Apple Acres. Coming to a complete halt which caused my shoes to have some smoke on them, Pinkie used her head as a knocker until Applejack poked her head out the door.
"Oh, howdy partner!"
"Mind if I... take a look inside the barn?"
"No! Uh, I mean, yes, I mean...you can't come in here!"
"Rainbow Dash just went in there."
"Oh, well, she was just bringin' in some...supplies! Yup, supplies fer the...renovation! Fixin' up the whole thing, top to bottom...uh," that's when the cowgirl turned back to address whoever was inside, "lots of construction' goin' on in there right now."
That's when I picked up the hushed voice of Rainbow Dash. "You heard her! Construction!" what followed next was a series of laughably bad construction tool imitations.
Pinkie and I weren't buying any of this, of course, but Applejack was pretty adamant on keeping either of us from digging deeper that she downright almost crush Pinkie's face with the door. "Yup! Construction! That's my story, and I'm stickin' ta it!"
Hearing her uneasy laugh, seeing her nervous smile as well as all the sweat that's sliding down her face, I didn't hesitate the slightest to call her out. "She's lying, Pinkie. I mean look at her; the nervous smile, the downpour of sweat, even that gulp she just made makes it pretty obvious."
"Me, lie? Don't be ridiculous, I never lie."
"Good, then you can tell us what's really going on back there. You are the Element of Honesty after all."
"I already told y'all what we're doin'."
Knowing that she'll never willingly fess up, I figured that I just might be able trick the truth out of her be resorting to another Jedi mind trick. "You want to tell us what's really going on in there."
"No, I don't."
"So you admit that you're not really doing any construction in there!"
Applejack found herself completely off guard when she heard my conclusion. "Well, uh...no, I mean yes, but no, I...!"
Satisfied enough to see Applejack's frantic reaction, I decided to feign fatigue as I said to the suspicious party pony, "Boy Pinkie, I'm feeling a little beat. Why don't we head back to Sugarcube Corner and take a break?"
Keeping her suspicious gaze locked onto the cowgirl, Pinkie said, "Okey...dokey...lokey."
As soon as we got far away from Sweet Apple Acres, Pinkie and I stopped in the center of the town before I said, "I guess we can rule out expecting them to be straight forward with us. Whatever it is they're doing they certainly don't want you to know about it."
"Oh, I'm gonna know about it!" Pinkie declared. "I'm gonna know about it big time! And I know just who's gonna tell me all about it. Tell me all about it big time!"
Boy, who would've thought that feeling left out is all it took to make Pinkie be redundant in her sentences? I thought to myself while watching the pink pony gallop in the direction of Twilight's place.
...
"Wow! Nice spread!" Spike marveled at the plate of gems that are placed in front of him.
"It's all yours, Spike." Without any warning Pinkie pulls in a lamp and has Gummy bite down on Spike's tail, forcing the kid to sit down while being blinded by a bright light. "All you have to do is talk." And talk he did, only not in the way she was expecting. Spike prattle on about nothing in particular as his claws were inching themselves closer to the gems, only to be stopped by an interrogative Pinkie. "No, no, no. Talk about our friends." Much like the last time, Spike doesn't exactly give her specific details and instead settled on giving her brief biographies of each of her friends, which only fed the flames that were building up in the pink pony. "Grr! No! You're not understanding me! I want you to confess!"
"Confess?"
"Confess!"
With the look of a frightened puppy, Spike made his confession. "I'm the one who spilled juice all over Twilight's copy of Magical Mysteries and Practical Potions!"
"And?"
"And I'm the one who used up all the hot water in Ponyville yesterday when I took a seven-hour bubble bath!"
"Aaand?"
"And sometimes... when no one's around... I do this." That's when the kid pulled a mirror from out of nowhere and started flexing in front of it. "Lookin' good, Spike! Lookin' real good!" the dumbfounded expression on Pinkie Pie's face was priceless, only her agitation didn't allow it to last longer and made her shove the mirror aside.
"Take it easy, Pinkie," I spoke up, "you're scaring him. He probably doesn't even know anything."
"Know what?" said Spike. "What does she want to hear?"
"She's noticed that Twilight and the others are keeping some kind of secret from her, and she thinks you might know what's going on."
"Twilight never mentioned any secret to me." Spike gave his honest answer. "She just had me pick up a bunch of books lying around and then left."
"Don't lie to me!" Pinkie hissed. "I know what they're up to, and you're not leaving until you tell me that my friends are all lying to me and avoiding me because they don't like my parties and they don't want to be my friends anymore!" not wanting to delve deeper into this dark new side of hers, the little dragon told her exactly what she wanted to hear. "Aha! I knew it!" this realization, however, caused her puffy mane to deflate like a balloon and turned her once bright coat of pink to a somber grayish tone. "Oh no, my friends don't like my parties and they don't want to be my friends anymore." The now heartbroken pony could do nothing but mope while the relieved dragon gorged himself on the plate of gems.
...
"Thank you all so much for coming! It means so much to Gummy."
Through the past twenty minutes, Pinkie Pie went ahead and set up a big table with a large cake at the end where I'm sitting. Gummy sat across from me and sitting on each opposite side were a bunch of inanimate objects which I'm guessing are supposed to take the place of Pinkie's friends; there was a bucket of turnips (Applejack), a pile of rocks (Rainbow Dash), a piece of lint (Rarity), and a bag of flour (Fluttershy). There didn't seem to be one which represented Twilight Sparkle, so I assumed that Pinkie Pie never really like her that much.
"Could I have some more punch?" she made the bucket of turnips speak with a dopey voice.
"Well, of course you can have some more punch, Mr. Turnip." Pinkie obliged her new friend's request before giving off an uncomfortable twitch in her eye.
"This is one great pahty! You really outdone yourself!" she gave the pile of rocks a stereotypical Brooklyn accent.
"Why, thank you, Rocky."
"I'm having a delightful time as well." She made the piece of lint speak with a fancy accent.
"I'm so glad, Sir Lintsalot."
"Might I trouble you for anozer slice of cake?" the party pony made the bag of flour request with the soft voice that's either German or Swedish.
"Anything for you, Madame le Flour."
"I'm just glad none o' them ponies showed up." Pinkie reached under the table to make the pile of rocks move and talk at the same time.
"Oh, they're not so bad."
Once she said that, I watched in horror as Pinkie Pie kept a creepy grin glued to her face while both her pupils shrunk slowly and move away in a sign that shows that she's about to fall deeper into the pit of insanity that she dug up. The more she allowed these objects to plant seeds of doubt in her subconscious, the more she decided that she might be better off never talking with any of the ponies ever again; and throughout this mad episode, I just sat still and not dared to interrupt her--mostly in fear that she might snap to the point of hacking me with an axe and shouting "Here's Pinkie!" luckily, however, she was able to get out of her mad state long enough to take notice of the knocking door and a certain blue pegasus who stepped inside.
"Hey there, Pinkie Pie! Sorry I was in such a rush earlier. Had some place to be and couldn't slow down and say, "Hello." You know how it goes."
"I know how it goes, all right!" Pinkie replied through clenched teeth.
"Yeah... so, why don't you come with me over to Sweet Apple Acres?"
"No thanks. I'm spending time with my real friends. Isn't that right, Madame le Flour?"
Pinkie's eyes once again went apart as she made her flour bag's personality take hold. "Oui! Zat iz correct, madame."
Rainbow Dash did nothing but stand still as she allowed this unsettling atmosphere to slowly sink in before she heard me say, "Yeah, she's been keeping herself pretty occupied for some time."
"Aaallrighty." Rainbow Dash found the urge to speak once more. "What do you say we get on out of Creepytown and head over to Applejack's..."
"She's not going anywhere." The party pony pushed the bucket of turnips in front of the blue pegasus.
"I most certainly am not. I'm having a wonderful time right here."
"You should really just come with me."
"You heard the lady!" Pinkie made the pile of rocks talk. "She ain't goin' nowheres, chump!"
I then witnessed Rainbow Dash do the funniest thing I've seen today, and that's literally responding to a pile of rocks' insult. "Who you calling a chump, chump?!"
She shoved her muzzle up to the hunk of rocks, which resulted in it crumbling to the floor, and I in turn fell flat to the floor on my back, laughing my ass off. "Did you seriously just talk to that pile of rocks?! Oh God, I don't even think Derpy would go this far!"
The only thing I received from the blue pegasus was a groan as she turned her attention back to Pinkie Pie. "That's it. Party's over. Come on, Pinkie Pie!"
"No!"
"Pinkie Pie, let's go!"
"I said no!"
At this point, Rainbow Dash butted her head against Pinkie's flank in attempt to get her moving. "You...have to...come with...me!"
"No...I... Don't!"
And that's when Pinkie raised her flank up which made the blue Pegasus lose her balance and positioned her face to be squashed by Pinkie's butt! Pulling her head from out of it only resulted in Rainbow Dash crashing against the table and having a slice of cake fall on her head.
"Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?! We'll do this the hard way!"
...
Forty-five minutes was how long it took for Rainbow Dash to drag Pinkie Pie all the way to Applejack's barn; luckily for her I chose to walk by myself instead of lying on Pinkie's back, otherwise it would've taken much longer. The moment we all stepped inside, we were all greeted with a combine shout of "Surprise!" from Pinkie's friends and mine.
It immediately dawned on me that the reason why these ponies were being so secretive was because they were merely setting up a surprise birthday party for Pinkie Pie. This realization caused me to remain stunned long enough for Pinkie to let out her frustration, hear her friend's lame ass excuse for avoiding her, and immediately revert back to her typical perky self. But before any of them could start enjoying themselves, my sanity felt like giving them a piece of my mind.
"THAT'S IT?! You mean to tell me that you were are being so secretive just so you can let her birthday party come as a surprise?! You were all seriously going to risk losing your friendship with Pinkie over a lousy surprise party?! Gees, I was thinking that you all found buried treasure, or were hiding a dead body; or at the very least were creating a mutated monster! But no, you were all just throwing a stupid surprise party!"
"Well we had to, darling," Rarity insisted. "It just wouldn't be as fun if she already knew about it."
"Besides, it ain't like this scarred her in anyway." Applejack added.
"Didn't scar her?!" I exclaimed. "Then how the fuck do you explain her turning gray and thinking that you all didn't want to be her friends anymore and having a party with a bunch of inanimate objects?! You're seriously going to look me in the eye and tell me that nearly making her fall into permanent depression and insanity was worth it?!"
Everyone stood silent until Fluttershy said, "Um...would you be angry if we said yes?"
Since I didn't feel like losing my temper on her, I turned my attention to the guys. "And you two were in on it as well?!"
"Well we didn't exactly have anything to do," Andrew explained, "so we figured we lend a hand."
"What the Hell, Twilight?!" we all turned to the sound of a very pissed off Spike. "You were throwing a birthday party for Pinkie Pie, and you didn't tell me?! Am I even invited?"
"Well of course you're invited, silly!" Pinkie Pie assured him.
"Actually, Pinkie, I think the library probably still needs some cleaning."
"Twilight," I said sternly while crossing my arms. "You promised that you weren't gonna leave Spike behind and have fun with your friends without him, remember?" Twilight didn't dare to push this further; she let her head sink down in shame as a sign of relenting. "All right, you all have fun, I'll see myself out."
"Don't you wanna stay and have fun?" Pinkie asked.
"No Pinkie, I'm afraid I already have my fill of insanity today. I don't really feel like cracking again."
The moment I was gone Jonathan pulled out his iPod from his vest and said, "Anyone mind if I played a little music?"
"Go ahead, sugarcube." Applejack gave him permission.
Letting his fingers scroll down the list, Jonathan decided to settle with "I Want You Back." While the whole Mane 6 joined together in a Conga Line, Andrew tried joining in while Jonathan helped himself to a slice of cake and sat himself on a bale of hay. While he was eating, Spike stood in front of him while letting his body surrender itself to the music. The little dragon did a few pelvic thrusts and started performing the hustle, until Jonathan quickly looked at the dragon while holding a piece of cake close to his face. Spike could feel his eyes gazing on him, and he--for some reason--couldn't help but remain still in a pose. Slowly turning his head slightly away from the kid, Jonathan let his eyes dart back to the cake while Spike continued to dance on.
The night that the ponies having been waiting for finally arrived. Tonight, the Mane 6--along with Spike--are going to be attending this Grand Galloping Gala that each of them have been hyping up about; and my two friends will soon be joining them. Slouching about the couch, I only perked up once I caught the sound of Jonathan and Andrew stepping down the stairs in their tuxedos which Rarity made for them. Both Jonathan's tuxedo jacket and trousers were in plain black like most tuxedos with a traditional white undershirt to go along with it; in addition, Jonathan purposely allowed the jacket to be unbuttoned in order to show off the cummerbund around his waist which happens to share the same shade of purple as his bow tie. As for Andrew, he let his trousers keep their conventional shade of black, but he opted for a buttoned up white tuxedo jacket along with a crimson red bow tie.
"You sure you don't want to come along?" Jonathan asked. "It's not too late to reconsider."
"I told you guys I don't do fancy parties," I restated firmly, "besides, you know that Celestia would probably try to get back at me if I do attend her little ball."
"Come on, Jeffrie," Andrew said while playing around with his cufflinks, "I'm sure she's let that whole deflecting her lightning bolt back at her ordeal go."
"I ain't taking that chance," I made my decision final. "You two will keep close to Spike at least?"
"Sure man," Andrew gave his vow, "Jonathan and I won't even set foot in that castle without the little guy. Right, Jonathan?"
Feeling that he's being unfairly guilt tripped into chaperoning Spike, he relented in his own cynical fashion. "Oh yes, Jeffrie, I was just hoping that you would ask me to babysit a smartass little dragon tonight. I mean, it's not like I have other plans in mind."
"Come on, Jonathan, we don't want to keep the others waiting any longer." Andrew grabbed him by the shoulder as he led themselves out the door. "See ya, man."
"Have fun." I waved them off. After I allowed a few minutes to pass by, I slowly rose from the couch and opened the door and peeked outside. Checking to see that the guys were nowhere in sight, I made a gesture with my hand and stood aside to grant a bunch of construction ponies' entry into our home. Their boss, a grayish-blue coated earth stallion with a turquoise mane named Hard Hat, stepped up to me to clarify a few things.
"So let me get this straight, you want us to build an extra room?"
"Not just an extra room," I explained, "A secret hideout that I only will have access to, and I want the entrance of it to be built next to the stairs and hidden behind a bookshelf. I take it that Dr. Hooves let you look over the blueprints?"
"He did," Hard Hat confirmed. "I just want to know how you're plannin' on payin' us?"
Normally it would be up to Twilight and her friends to pay for the construction, but since I plan on keeping this a secret from them, I chose to handle this matter myself. "Well, I don't really have the money at the moment, but you could always put me on a tab."
"What's that?"
"It's when you give someone a certain amount of time to acquire some money that is owed."
"And how long do these 'tabs' last?"
"Until the end of the month; and if I don't pay you on time, then you can choose to never offer your services to me again."
"Hmm, I suppose I do have that right. Aw what the hay, it's only one room. All right boys, let's get started!"
While the construction ponies went straight to work, that's when Dr. Hooves trotted behind me and caught my attention with a tap on my shoulder. "I'm sorry that I won't be able to pay you when this is done, Dr." I offered my apologies.
"Nonsense!" he shrugged it off. "With all the inventions I provide for pony society, financial troubles are the least of my problems."
"Easy for you to say," Hard Hat said under his breath.
...
Meanwhile, the guys--along with Spike and the Mane 6--were on their way to the Grand Galloping Gala. The mode of transportation was an apple shaped carriage that was being pulled by two stallions whom Rarity was able to easily seduce by appealing to their perverted desires they have towards her. (Though for her sake, she better hope that the two stallions don't actually expect her to repay them by fulfilling their sexual fantasies.) Since the carriage could only carry the six mares, the guys had to settle with riding alongside Spike for the whole ride.
The kid was donning a little black tuxedo jacket with a puffy white undershirt and a big red bowtie; this attire alone would've made any woman from our world go into a "D'AWWW!" frenzy and pinch his scaly cheeks until they were permanently red.
"This is going to be so great!" Spike beamed with joy. "I got the entire night planned out: first, we'll go see the crown jewels, then we'll see Celestia's golden apple tree, and then we'll all hang out at my favorite doughnut shop!"
"That all sounds fun, Spike." Andrew told him.
"Then let's get moving! Hyah!"
The little dragon cracked the reins he held in his claws, which caused the two stallions to stop. "Excuse me?!" the yellow stallion with a suave looking brown mane shoved his face with a fierce intensity that rendered Spike to be temporarily unable to speak and could only let out an intimidated stammer.
"If you weren't friends with our neighbor Rarity..." the gray stallion with a spiky black mane raised his hoof in a threatening manner.
"Did you two seriously just threaten to harm a child?" Jonathan called the two douchebags out.
"What business is it of yours?" the yellow douche shot back.
"It's our business when that kid happens to be one of our friends." Andrew crossed his arms as he looked down upon the two ponies with the disapproving gaze of a strict parent scolding unruly children. "I bet you two must feel real good picking on Spike; though I don't imagine Rarity wanting to have anything to do with any of you if she ever finds out that you're nothing but a couple of bullies."
"Wait a minute," Jonathan changed the subject, "you two look familiar. Did we ever meet before?"
"No. Just because we hear about you and sometimes see you roaming about doesn't mean we actually know each other." The gray piece of shit clarified.
"Wait, I remember now!" Jonathan's recollection finally caught up. "You're the two weirdos who tried to ask Andrew out!"
Taking in a good look at both ponies, Andrew's eyes went wide upon hitting the sudden realization. "He's right, you are those same weirdos!"
"Could one of you mind filling me in?" the confused dragon requested.
"When we were living with Rarity for a while," Jonathan explained, "Jeffrie and I pulled a prank on Andrew where we made him wear a dress and then Rainbow Dash came in with a paparazzi and they put his picture on the newspaper."
It took every ounce of Spike's effort to keep a straight face as he turned to Andrew and said, "They actually put you in a dress?!"
"Yeah, yeah," Andrew grudgingly admitted. "That wasn't even the worst part; the worst was when these two sickos walked right up to me and actually thought that I was a woman."
"Sweet Celestia, why did you have to bring that up?" the yellow pony groaned.
"You have any idea how long it took us to even forget it?" said the gray stallion.
"I bet you two also forgot that my friend was once a model who went by the name of Senor Man-tits." Andrew relished in the mortified expressions of the two asshats. "Now are you fellas gonna apologize to the kid, or am I gonna have to lift up my friend's shirt and refresh your memory?"
Before his fingers even touched Jonathan's undershirt, both stallions cried out, "No, no! We're sorry! We're gonna go fast now!" They immediately turned their heads forward as they moved the apple carriage in a full canter.
"Thanks guy," Spike said to the guys. "I don't know what else to say."
"Think nothing of it, Spike," said Andrew. "We're always glad to help our friends out."
"That, and Jeffrie would've beaten the shit out of us if we allowed those punks to pick on you." Jonathan added.
"We said we were sorry!" the gray stallion shouted.
"Less talkin', more trottin'!" Andrew grabbed the reins from Spike's claws and gave the stallions a snap to their backs so sharp that it made them burst onward in a full gallop.
Once they finally reached Canterlot, the guys hopped off along with the kid and watched as he opened the door for the Mane 6. With the six walking into position, Spike's tail jolted his body up as he marveled at their dresses. "Whoa! You all look... amazing!"
Not even bothering to acknowledge his compliment, Twilight--with the rest of her friends--gazed towards the castle where the party of their dreams is being held. "I can't believe we're finally here. With all that we've imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this... The Best Night Ever!"
That's when the Mane 6--and all the ponies that were outside with them--started doing the one thing that made me even more glad to not attend, they all start singing. Unfortunately for the guys they had no choice but to hear these ponies sing about something that could easily be summed up in a few words. To remedy this, Jonathan pulled out a set of white earplugs that were conveniently connected to his iPod. Inserting one of them into his left ear and giving the last one to Andrew, Jonathan pushed the play button as they both let their ears be graced by the sound of "Rock and Roll All Night" while plugging their vacant ears with the tips of their fingers. When it looked like the musical number was finally over, the guys unplugged their ears and didn't even take one step further once they saw a downtrodden Spike passing them by and undoing his bowtie.
"Where are you going?" Andrew called him out. "The party's that way."
"I know," the kid said glumly, "it's just that the girls decided to go their separate ways and leave me behind. So I figured I'll just go have fun somewhere else."
"What about all that fun stuff you had planned?" said Andrew.
"I wanted to do that with my friends, but since they got their own plans, it wouldn't be as enjoyable."
Allowing his heart to make his next decision, Andrew opened his mouth and said, "We'll hang with ya."
"Nah, you guys don't have to waste your night for my sake."
"We're not wasting anything; we don't even have a single thing to do around here. Right Jonathan?"
Once again finding himself unable to withstand this colossal amount of guilt, Jonathan could only let out a defeated sigh before saying, "We'll be happy to spend time with you."
Then, as if his forlorn attitude had disappeared entirely, Spike gleefully pulled both of them by their hands and led them into the Grand Galloping Gala for a night that the three of them may never forget for a long time.
Stepping inside of the castle at last, the three of them stopped so they could get in line to speak with the bane of my existence, I of course mean Princess Celestia. Seeing as how most of the ponies were either just giving short bows or hoof shakes, Spike and the guys were able to reach to the top of the stairs in a matter of seconds.
"Hello Spike, and you too Andrew and Jonathan." Celestia greeted them in the same spurious smile and kind demeanor that Annie Wilkes can easily give. "Where's Jeffrie? Didn't he receive a ticket?"
"He did, but he chose not to come." Jonathan enlightened the pony princess.
"Yeah, he's a little convinced that you hold a grudge over him deflecting your lightning bolt back at ya." Andrew spoke up.
"What a pity, I was hoping that he'd be willing to let bygones be bygones and try to start over."
I of course doubt very greatly that Celestia would legitimately want us to actually be friends, but since I wasn't there to say anything about it, Jonathan was able to take this chance to strike a quick conversation with Twilight. "So Twilight, you have any plans?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!" Twilight spoke with a sudden burst of energy. "I'm gonna take this chance to catch things up with Princess Celestia. (If she'll ever get done greeting everypony.)"
"So Princess Celestia," Spike let his voice be heard, "I'm about to show Andrew and Jonathan the crown jewels, if that's OK."
"You're always welcome to see them, Spike." Celestia granted him permission. "If you don't try to eat any of them, of course."
"I have self-control!" Spike let out a childlike huff that gave Celestia cause to giggle.
Once that conversation was brought to an end, the little dragon led the guys through a labyrinth of hallways until they found themselves stepping into a large room with nothing but rows upon rows of display cases; each one containing gems of every color. There were cases filled with amethysts, emeralds, ambers, diamonds, pearls, rubies, sapphires, peridots, zircons, and garnets. The three of them stopped to look upon a case full of topaz gems.
"How many jewels are even in this room?" Andrew wondered.
"At least three million, so I've been told." Spike answered.
"It's a shame all these cases are locked," Jonathan decided to mess with the kid, "otherwise you'd be having a feast right now."
"Oh, I have my sources." Without even taking his eyes away, Spike lifted his claw up and caught an emerald the size of his fist. With their eyes wide in amazement, the guys turned to the direction that gem came from and saw a glasses wearing white mare with a brown hairstyle that looked like it came right out of the fifties.
"Thanks for the freebie, Raven!" the grateful dragon waved to his source.
"It's nice seeing you too, Spike!" the mare waved back.
Making their way out of the jewel room, Andrew took this chance to have some newly arrived questions that he felt needed to be answered. "She a friend of yours, Spike?"
"Raven? Yeah, she and I usually cross paths whenever I come and visit Celestia, and as you both saw she'll even sneak a few gems for me." Speaking of which, the little dragon took a big chomp out of his free emerald as if he were chewing a Butterfinger.
"What happened to having 'self-control'?" Jonathan snarked.
"I would remind you that I only promised to not eat all of the jewels, I never said anything about not eating at least one. Besides, there's such an overabundance of jewels in each case that nopony is ever gonna notice that one is missing."
"So where to next, Spike?" Andrew changed the subject.
"Oh, that'll be the golden apple tree. Come on!"
Following the kid once again, the guys soon found themselves taking a detour into what can only be assumed as a VIP lounge. The whole room was filled with upper class looking ponies and a few pegasus who were donning the blue jumpsuits of the Wonderbolts, and at the end of this room led a large opening to the outside of the castle. The three of them found themselves having to stop their little trek short, once they saw Rainbow Dash rush forward to save a falling grey stallion, only to immediately let him plop to the hard floor.
"What did that pony do to you, Rainbow?" Jonathan got the blue pegasus' attention.
"Oh, hey guys," she greeted them with a sour tone, "I was just trying to catch the attention of the Wonderbolts."
"Can't you just walk up to 'em and strike a conversation?" Andrew offered an obvious solution.
"I tried, but they just can't seem to notice me!"
"Come on, a pony like you shouldn't have trouble standing out--especially when you're wearing an outfit like that." Said Jonathan. "See, some ponies are starting to look at you right now."
He was right about all the ponies in the room gazing in their direction, but they were actually staring at him and Andrew. It didn't take too long for my friend's presence to catch the eye of two Wonderbolts.
"Hi there, you two must be those humans we've been hearing about." The gold mare with a spiky mane like fire greeted them.
"Weren't you the same Wonderbolts Rainbow Dash saved back at that flying competition?" Andrew quickly recognized them.
"How'd you know?" a pale cornflower blue stallion with a spiky grayish blue mane who spoke with the voice of a surfer dude spoke up.
"Because we were there to see it." Jonathan answered. That's when he extended his hand to the pegasus stallion. "I'm Jonathan."
"Soarin'." The stallion shook his hand.
"Name's Andrew." My friend offered his hand to the mare.
"Spitfire." She shook his as well. "I take it that you two must be friends with Rainbow Dash?"
"Well, we've known her for about a year now, so I guess you can say that." Andrew confirmed. "She's definitely told us a great deal about you Wonderbolts, mainly because she wants to join you I suppose."
"Is that so?" Spitfire turned her attention to Rainbow Dash. "How come you never told us this?"
The blue pegasus was able to snap herself out of her jaw-dropped state and said, "Oh, well I never got the chance to mention it with you."
Her brief explanation earned her this response, "If you wish to be a Wonderbolt so badly, you can always mail us an application where we'll let you enter as a cadet. Of course, there's plenty of talented flyers out in Equestria besides you, so it may take a while for you to even be accepted. I can't even begin to tell you how long it took me just become captain."
"If she's a captain, then what does that make you?" Jonathan asked Soarin'.
"I'm a commander."
"So does that mean you out rank her?"
Jonathan's question made Spitfire give off a light chuckle. "Actually, it's the other way around. Aside from leading the Wonderbolts, I'm also in charge of training the new recruits. Soarin' would have to wait until the day I retire if he ever plans on taking my place."
Said stallion decided to change topics. "You know, I coulda sworn that I remember there being a third human."
"Jeffrie's not a fan of fancy parties, so he stayed home--at least that's what these two said," Spike explained.
"I wouldn't blame him," said Spitfire, "the Grand Galloping Gala has never been that riveting of an event to begin with. It's been nice chatting with all of you, Soarin' and I will be going to the buffet for now."
Once the two Wonderbolts had took their leave, Rainbow Dash finally let out her frustration for the guys to see. "What the hay?! I saved a pony from hitting the ground and you two get to talk with the Wonderbolts by doing nothing?!"
"Feel free to join them at the buffet," Jonathan told her. "Lord knows they're bound to give you attention now that they know you're friends with us."
Not even bothering to add anything else, the blue pegasus bolted her way to where the Wonderbolts had went and left the three of them to their own company. Letting his eyes gaze around the whole place by their own free will, Andrew was prepared to suggest heading on outside until he caught the site of Rarity walking alongside a white unicorn stallion with a yellow mane, donning a white tuxedo.
"Looks like Rarity bagged herself her very own Prince Charming." Andrew alerted the two.
Changing their eyesight to the direction of Rarity and her date, they found that they're in the middle of participating in the classic trope of the gentleman stopping the lady from stepping in a puddle. Looking down towards Spike, Jonathan felt surprised to find the little dragon being completely unfazed by seeing his crush with another pony.
"Feeling a little jealous, Spike?"
"What, of Blueblood? Pfft! That prince may have the looks, but that won't be enough for him to win Rarity."
"What makes ya say that?"
The kid answered Jonathan's question by simply pointing him to the prince pulling off the ultimate douchebag move of making Rarity use an article of her clothing to place over the puddle of water.
"Damn! I thought people of royalty were taught manners!" Andrew exclaimed.
"When you're Princess Celestia's nephew, you tend to act like the rules of common courtesy doesn't apply." Spike stated.
With that out of the way, Andrew chose to bring up a certain subject with Jonathan. "You know, Jonathan, I think you and that Blueblood fellow might make a great couple."
"Me with him?! Don't be insane, he's not even my type!" Jonathan scoffed at the idea.
"You know, for someone who likes to say, 'love is love,' you sure are picky when it comes to guys."
"Well just because I'm Bi doesn't mean I'm attracted to any guy; I have taste, you know."
"What's Bi?" Spike got curious.
"It's when you love both girls and boys." Andrew elaborated.
"That's a thing?" the kid couldn't believe it.
"It is where we're from, and Jonathan here would always let his pride of being Bisexual be loud and clear throughout Highschool. But now I'm beginning to think he was just being full of shit the whole time."
"That's not true!" Jonathan denied this claim. "I could kiss a dude if I felt like it!"
"Wanna bet on it?" that's when Andrew pulled out some money from his wallet. "You can have twenty-five bucks, if you walk up to that prince and give him a big wet kiss."
Turning his gaze back to the said prince, Jonathan cringed at the mere thought of having to partake in a tongue bath with that stallion in public. Then again, Jonathan didn't want to prove Andrew's point of being a poser. "Make it thirty-five and I'll do it."
"Done."
Knowing full well that there's no turning back now, Jonathan stepped in a brisk pace towards the white stallion. Wanting to save this soon to be monumental moment, Andrew pulled out his cellphone and pressed the record button of the camera just as Jonathan was noticed by Rarity.
"Why hello, Jonathan. How's your...?"
She was cut short when she saw my friend grab the prince by the collar of his tuxedo and pulled him straight to his face as their lips produced a wet smooching sound so loud that it made all the ponies in the room silence their conversations and drop any glasses they are holding and watched with wide eyes and dropped jaws at the sight of Jonathan stealing a kiss from Blueblood.
Parting his lips from the prince's, Jonathan quickly rushed away and left the stallion to wail out, "Ugh! My royal lips have been tainted with monkey germs! Somepony fetch a glass of hot water, or some disinfectant, or even iodine!"
Swiping his winnings from a tittering Andrew, my now embarrassed friend was pushing him and an equally snickering Spike to the direction that'll get him as far away from these prying eyes as possible.
Feeling the outside breeze rubbing his face, Jonathan was unable to savor this feeling due to the sound of the uncontrollable hee-hawing of Andrew and Spike.
"I hope that wasn't your first kiss, Jonathan!" the dragon wiped away a few tears of joy with one claw while gripping his sides with the other.
"You just better not breathe a word of this to anyone, do you hear me?!" Jonathan hissed.
"Take it easy, man," Andrew calmed him down. "The only ponies who are bound to remember this are the ones here in Canterlot, so by the time we ever find ourselves coming back here they would all forget it by then."
Accepting Andrew's hypothesis, Jonathan let his dander simmer down and continue their little trek to the golden apple tree in peace. The sound of chatting ponies grew dimmer and dimmer by the time the guys, and Spike, had reached the garden. From where they were standing, they found what looked like a condensed forest that stood three feet in front of them. Just as the guys were lifting their feet up, they were both interrupted by the sound of an ecstatic Spike bringing their attention to a distant tower.
"Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last saw that place." The little dragon felt a wave of nostalgia deluge upon him.
"I take it you use to live there?" Andrew deduced.
"Uh-huh, that was mine and Twilight's old home. Some days I would head to the balcony and take in the view, when Twilight would cut me a break once in a while, of course. The last time I was there, I was getting ready to go to Moon Dancer's party with a gift; next thing you know Twilight hits me with the door and made me ruin my gift, Celestia has her and me go to Ponyville and meet new ponies, and now we've been living there ever since."
The kid stared off at that tower in complete silence, while the guys had to wait for him to get all of his nostalgia out. It went on for at least a minute, until Jonathan decided to be the one to end it.
"Isn't there an apple tree that you're wanting to show us?"
"Oh, yes! Let's go!"
The guys weren't even allowed a moment to blink before Spike scurried back to where the forest led. Luckily for them, Spike had the courtesy to wait for the two of them to catch up before stepping further. My friends were expecting this golden apple tree to be the first thing to see; what none of them counted on was to be greeted by the sight of Fluttershy being caught in a net with a bunch of animals watching her idly. Being the caring friend that he is, Andrew wasted no time in pulling out his trusty pocketknife and cutting Fluttershy down. No sooner had the yellow pegasus was freed from the net, all the animals immediately avoided her like the plague.
"Mind explaining what you were doing in a net?" Jonathan requested.
It was at this moment when the three of them finally took notice on how ragged and begrimed her appearance was. "I was using it to catch one of the animals, and I guess I must've fallen into it."
"Why would you want to do that?" Spike pointed out on how out of character it was for Fluttershy. "You're so naturally good at getting animals to like you."
"I know!" the yellow pegasus shouted. "But for whatever reason these animals run away from me the moment I get just a little close to them!"
"Didn't Jeffrie mention something about you having a kind of super stare?" Andrew recollected out loud.
Upon being reminded of her effectual ability, a devilish grin grew upon her face as she turned her gaze back at the frightened animals who immediately took to running as fast as they could, with an irritated Fluttershy screaming behind them. "Look at me! Look at me!"
Not even daring to dwell even further on Fluttershy's slow decent to insanity that could easily rival Pinkie Pie's, the three continued their trek to the apple tree in silence. That image of Fluttershy becoming unhinged still gnawed on their minds, but all it took was one glimpse at that golden apple tree to make them forget that unsettling moment. The aforementioned tree was a large and wide one which stood erectly upon a bump of a hill in the center of this small wood, with its roots stretching as far as thirty-six inches. The guys marveled at seeing every apple on each branch appearing as golden as the tree's name suggested.
"Damn Spike," said Andrew, "you weren't kidding when you said this is a golden apple tree."
"It's not just the fact that they're golden why they're such a big deal," Spike elaborated, "it's because that whoever eats any of the apples will be granted unlimited knowledge. Whether this is true has yet to be decided, what with Celestia forbidding anypony from taking a bite of just one."
"I take it that there's also a viper who tries to tempt someone into eating the apples?" Jonathan hazard a guess while stepping closer to the tree.
"There is a viper, but it actually guards the tree."
No sooner had the dragon mention that did a large black viper pop out of the tree and kept a fierce glare locked onto my friend, while also letting out a dry hiss that made Jonathan stop his fingertips from even touching a single apple. Retracing himself back to Andrew and Spike, Jonathan followed this by saying, "How about we go back inside?"
Following Jonathan's suggestion, the three of them returned to one of the many entrances that leads to the inside of the castle. Before any of them stepped foot inside, however, they decided that now would be a good time to catch a bite; and as if God above was hearing their prayers, they stumbled upon Applejack managing a cart with all kinds of apple treats.
"Well howdy, y'all!" the cowgirl greeted them. "Hankerin' fer a little somethin'?"
"I've always wanted to try a caramel apple." Andrew made his order.
"I'll have a fritter." Spike made his selection.
"Are those French fries?" Jonathan pointed out.
"Yep. Made from real apples," said Applejack.
"You can make French fries out of apples?"
"You betcha! You can make just about anythin' out of apples."
"Then I guess I'll try those out."
"Thank ya kindly. That'll be six bits."
Once Spike went ahead and tossed his bits into the cowgirl's wooden bucket, the three of them were given their treats. Before Jonathan even took a bite out of the first fry, he felt that he needed to address something to Applejack. "I couldn't help but notice that your bucket's a little light."
That clarification was enough to sour her mood. "Yeah, things looked ta be goin' my way at first, but now I've seemed ta barely sell even an apple."
"Well most ponies who attend the Grand Galloping Gala prefer eating at the buffet inside," Spike educated the cowgirl.
"Well, no wonder nopony wants my food. They're fillin' up on those fancy-schmancy vittles."
"Or maybe it's because buffet food is free and your food cost money," Jonathan pointed out.
"That don't matter. I'll just dress 'em up a bit and prove it to 'em."
Watching Applejack pulling her cart off to the side, the guys--and Spike--decided that now would be a good time to head into the ballroom. Andrew had eaten his caramel apple down to the core, Jonathan consumed the last of the apple fries, and Spike was licking off any crumbs left behind by his fritter when they had entered the ballroom. Taking the chance to look around, the three of them were surprised to be hearing upbeat music that didn't seem to belong in this party. Looking towards the stage, they saw that the source of this out of place music was none other than Pinkie Pie. Sensing that something gut busting is about to occur, Andrew and Jonathan pulled out their cellphones and pressed the record button on each one. It didn't take too long for Applejack to come in while hauling a big cake in hope that one of the fancy ponies would be inclined to eat it; unfortunately for the cowgirl, Pinkie Pie felt the urge to perform a stage dive which resulted in her landing face first to the food cart and catapulted it towards a cow-hearted Prince Blueblood, who quickly shielded himself with Rarity.
Finally having enough of his discourtesy, the now cake splattered unicorn chose to be unladylike. "You, sir, are the most uncharming prince I have ever met! In fact, the only thing royal about you is that you are a royal pain!"
"Ewww…!" the prince wailed, acting more like a girl than even Rarity herself. "Uh, stay back! I just had myself groomed!"
"Afraid to get dirty?!"
In a small act of vengeance, Rarity shook every bit of cake frosting off her like a dog and made the pampered prick of a prince feel as dirty as she was. Being contaminated with all this cake made the drama king fall on his back and bump his head next to a large statue that would have crashed on the ground had Rainbow Dash not flown in to catch it. However, the weight of it proved to be too much for her back, so the blue pegasus was unable to keep her body stable enough to prevent the statue from bumping rows of columns. Had any of you ever watch the Disney version of Hercules, you'd all probably expect the columns to cause a large-scale havoc; but what happened instead were the columns smashing in a small circle around Rainbow Dash. (Pretty anticlimactic, I know.) When Celestia and Twilight decided to enter, they probably thought that the worst was over. That is until a stampede of wild animals came bursting in with an enraged Fluttershy screaming behind them.
"You're... going to LOVE ME!"
With all this mayhem flooding the castle, the Mane 6 took the chance to make a run for it--with Spike and the guys trailing behind them. As they made their way to the exit, one of Rarity's glass slippers got loose and stood on one of the steps. Pinkie Pie pointed out that Blueblood might use it as a means of locating her, but since Rarity had no desire to see that prick again, she quickly crushed the slipper with her hoof and dragged Pinkie along.
...
Finally putting distance between themselves and the attending ponies, the Mane 6 took this chance to lament over their disappointment over the Gala. "I wanted to get to spend some time with Princess Celestia, and I barely even uttered a word to her." Twilight moaned.
"I barely made enough bits to pay for a new wagon," said Applejack.
"I wasn't even close to hanging out with the Wonderbolts," Rainbow Dash kicked a small pebble.
"Not a single animal wanted to be near me," a now calmed down Fluttershy said.
"Nopony wanted to party with me," Pinkie Pie was close to weeping.
"That so called 'prince' made this the worst night ever for me," Rarity added.
Wanting to lighten the mood, Spike let out an excited yell that caught everyone's attention. "Look Twilight, it's our favorite doughnut shop!"
Pursuing the thrilled dragon, each of them found themselves entering a humble establishment where they received a greeting from the owner. "Twilight Sparkle, Spike! Long time no see."
Sitting themselves by a round table and being treated with platefuls of doughnuts, the whole group ate in silence until Andrew broke it. "I take it that tonight didn't go as planned for any of you?"
"It was." Twilight admitted. "I just hope Princess Celestia isn't upset with us for ruining the Gala."
"That was the best Grand Galloping Gala ever!"
Everyone felt shocked to hear those very words come out of the muzzle of Princess Celestia herself.
"Pardon me, Princess, but tonight was just awful." Twilight spoke up.
"Oh, Twilight. The Grand Galloping Gala is always awful."
"It is?"
"That is why I was thrilled you were all attending. I was hoping you could liven things up a bit."
This led to a confused Jonathan to say, "But if you feel that this Gala was always boring before Twilight and her friends attended it, then why not just change how this Gala is handled before? You are the princess, after all."
"True. But I can't just change the Grand Galloping Gala to my liking without displeasing the noble elites who make up most of the Gala attendants."
"So what if a bunch of rich snobs aren't happy? This isn't a representative republic where citizens elect their officials, this is a monarchy where all these ponies have to live by your authority. I mean, what's the worse that these snobs can do? Refuse to pay taxes?"
"You know Jonathan, I would expect a response like that to be said by Jeffrie."
"He definitely would've made tonight be even more wild."
"I for one wouldn't mind if he were here to teach that abhorrent prince some manners." Rarity voiced in.
"Don't worry, Rarity," Celestia assured her, "I'll be sure that Blueblood is given a fair punishment."
While that was happening, Spike had spotted a speck of cake frosting stuck on Rarity's cheek. Grabbing a napkin and rising from his seat, the little dragon wiped the cake frosting away, which earned him a nuzzle from his crush. "Why thank you, Spike. At least you know how to treat a lady."
A sudden spark in Twilight's brain made her say, "Oh, Spike, I'm sorry that the girls and I left you behind back at the Gala."
"It's OK," the kid chose to not hold a grudge, "I still had fun with Andrew and Jonathan."
"For the record," Jonathan let his voice be heard, "I didn't really want to hang out with you; I only did it because I promise Jeffrie that I would."
"Come on, Jonathan," Spike nudged him with his elbow, "you know you like me just a little bit."
"I tolerate you, but that's not really saying much."
"Better than nothing."
Spike's little shrug made Andrew let out a lighthearted laugh that infected everyone sitting around him--even Jonathan couldn't help but join in.
...
It was midnight by the time the construction of my secret room and bookshelf was completed. It was a wide area with gray walls and with about as much furniture as the guest room had. If there would ever be a time where a fierce thunderstorm was transpiring or I felt like having extra privacy, I would come down there from now on. Walking up the stairs, I stepped back into the living room and watched as the bookshelf slid in front the entrance to the secret room. The guys will never figure out that there's now a secret room, because the keypad that I'll use to open it is covered behind my book collection; such as The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, The Last of the Mohicans, Watership Down, The last Unicorn, Gulliver's Travels, Life of Pi, Misery, IT, The Jungle Book, The Inheritance Cycle, etc. Just as I plopped myself on the couch and prepared to watch a movie on Netflix, that's when the guys barged in with their bowties undone and their suits all winkled.
"Looks like you two had yourselves a wild night," I commented.
"You don't know the half of it." Jonathan let his body fall onto the couch.
Once Andrew settled himself on his spot, the two of them went over everything that happened tonight. From seeing Celestia's jewels to seeing the golden apple tree and their little conversation with the Wonderbolts; they even showed me both recordings of Jonathan making out with the prince and the mayhem by the near of the end of the party (the former which made me laugh the hardest). When it was over, Andrew was the first to take notice of the new furniture.
"How long has that bookshelf been there?"
"I had Dr. Hooves build it for me."
"He mustn't have had anything else to do if he could spare the time to make you a bookshelf." Said Jonathan.
"I guess you can say that." What followed next was a brief silence that was feeling like an eternity. I just had to break it. "You guys feel tired?"
"Not really." Both of them confirmed.
"Want to watch The Crow?"
"Hell yeah!"
And that's how the three of us chose to end the night on an hour and forty-two minutes of bloodshed and carnage.
