Never. Trust. Alicorns.

“Why do places like this always smell like the inside of a sewer?”

Canterlot, though one of Equestria’s shining jewels, had a seedy underbelly like every city in the world. If you knew where to look, you could find a few ‘inns’ and ‘taverns’ where one could play dice, buy comfort for a night, and, if someone really needed it, a place where they could find a crazy captain to go on an adventure with.

On this particular night, the stars were shining brightly and a half-moon was jutting out of the sky, casting an eerie glow on the worn-down buildings, giving the place an almost spooky quality.

Or at least it looked spooky to a certain alicorn princess as she made her way through the streets, her eyes darting around as she looked out for would-be robbers and cutthroats. Admittedly, it was a silly fear—even with its ‘seedy underbelly’ Canterlot was one of the safest cities in the world—but she couldn’t help but keep an eye out, just in case.

“A two-thousand year old princess and I have to resort walking through the streets like some thief in the night,” she grumbled, adjusting her hood on her body as she looked around.

But it will all be worth it if I find him, she thought to herself, blinking while the wind started to pick up.

It had taken days, bits, and more ponypower than she cared to admit, but she finally had found out where he spent his nights: at a local bar not far from here.

“Where is that bar?” she murmured, stopping in the middle of the street to look at the neon signs. “They said that it would—“

And there it was, right across the road-- the only building that didn’t have a sign-- was a rundown building with a set of push doors and an anchor leaning right next to it…for some reason.

Despite herself, the princess snorted. “Twilight called it ‘The Salty Anchor’ if I remember correctly. Not the most exotic of names, but I suppose this is a haven for sailors.”

Steeling herself, she made her way toward the building, frowning when she saw the state of disrepair it was in. Where most of the buildings in her city were built with stone, this one was made of what looked like pine wood, the planks rotting and splintered and covered in mold and moss. Then there was the sound: bad music playing so loudly that it almost looked like the building was shaking under the abuse.

All-in-all, it was a building that wasn’t worth the nails that held it together, like all good dens.

When this adventure is over, I believe that this part of the city will be seeing a health inspector and a wrecking crew, she thought, taking a deep breath before walking through the doors.

The sounds of flutes and bagpipes and yelling and things breaking hit her like a punch to the stomach as she stood at the entrance, resisting the urge to jam her wings in her ears to drown out the sound. Coughing and ruffling her feathers under her cloak, she surveyed the smoky and dimly-lit room.

Yep, this place is going to be condemned. I don’t care what it’ll do for our trade. I’m going to have all of these buildings torn down and set up a playground for the foals or something else less…. filthy.

The Salty Anchor was as mean on the inside as it was on the outside, with just a bar, a few broken tables and chairs, and a load of routy ne'er do wells filling the building to the point of bursting. Said ne’er-do-well’s stopped what they were doing to look at her while the music abruptly cut off.

Just stay calm, they don’t know who you are. All you need to do is find him and then you can go home.

The bartender, an earth pony who was cleaning a mug with a dirty rag, raised an eyebrow at her. Spitting in the mug—the alicorn shuddering in disgust—he said, “Did ya need something, lass?”

A minotaur, who was sitting at a table in the corner of the bar, raised a mug. “I’m sure the mare is just looking for a good night; ain’t that right?”

Mother, give me strength, she thought before clearing her throat.

“Actually, I’m looking for somepony; somepony very important.” She looked around at each and every one of them. “ A captain that goes by the name of Strider,” she said, blinking in confusion when everyone in the room started to laughed at her.

“Ol’ Strider?” a gryphon chortled. “Whatcha want him for? Last I heard, he ain’t into ponies.”

She let them laugh a little longer before saying,“I need him to get me to the Sky Lands.”

Just like that, the room was dead silent, everyone in the room looking at her like she had just grown an extra head, looks of fear on everyone in the room while they pawed at their swords and flintlocks.

They shouldn’t have those weapons. Despite that little voice in the back of her telling her to run away--or at least call the guard-- she stood her ground. Yep, these buildings are gone when I get back, she thought before the yelling started, the alicorn taking a step back at the abuse.

“Getting outta here!”

“Yer a mad mare!”

“Just let somepony shoot ya; that’s a better death than what you want!”

“Are ya outta yer bloomin’ mind?!” a batpony, who was decked out in a rather dashing vest with a pair of pistols hanging from his sides, shouted over the crowd while looking around the room nervously. “It’s—“

He stopped when a figure at the bar raised a hand to quiet him, the rest of building going silent as they stared at the two. “Moon, it’s alright lad,” Not looking back, the figure waved her over. “Come here, lass. Lemme get a good look at ya.”

She narrowed her eyes at the strange biped with a black tri-fold on his head, her princess-y instincts’ telling her that there was something… special about him. Sure, she was a little nervous when she saw the sword that was hanging from his hip, but she was pretty sure that she would be able to defend herself if she had to. Probably.

Exhaling the breath that she didn’t know until now she had been holding, the princess trotted toward the counter.

“Get the lady a glass of milk, Cool Water, with a clean glass; not the one in your hoof,” the figure said, looking over his shoulder at her.

It has been a LONG time since I’ve last seen a human, she thought as she sat on the stool next to him.

The creature in front of her was large: almost six and a half hooves tall if she had to guess. His hair-- on his head at least-- was dark and short but wild-looking, as was the small patch on his chin.

His frame bear-like was wrapped in a long black coat, so worn and aged that its color almost looked grey in the candlelight, and he had a big black leather boot on one of his feet to finish off the whole ‘Captain’ thing quite nicely.

His beard had a few grey hairs in it but he had one of those faces that made it impossible to tell how old he was, his face rough and leathery yet it looked like a smile would come to his lips easily. In fact, as she looked up at him, she couldn’t help but smile as his kind grey eyes looked down at her.

I hope that that’s not leather he’s wearing, she idly thought as a glass of what she hoped was milk slid across the counter and into her hoof.

“Thank you, Mr…”

“I’m the one you’re looking for, Princess Celestia,” he answered, smirking as the princess gawked at him. “If you’re looking for someone like me, send someone else next time, lass. You’re the biggest bleedin’ pony in this country of your’s.”

He took a sip of his drink as she looked at her. “So what does a Princess of Equestria want with a cripple like me?” He swirled his drink in mock-boredom. “Better yet, why has a Princess of Equestria been looking for me for the past three days?”

Celestia, Diarch of Equestria and Lady of the Sun, resisted the urge to look down at his peg leg--mildly upset that he pointed it out-- while she leaned toward him. “You have been a rather hard man to track down, sir,” she complimented.

The man finished his whiskey with one final swig. “Your guard ain’t hard to get past, Princess. Now what can I do for ya?”

“As I said, I’m looking for—“

“Passage to a land where men go and never come back,” he said in amusement, his grey eyes twinkling as he looked at her. “I promise ya, Princess; that is not a place where ya want ta go, under any circumstances.”

Celestia, adjusting her cloak so she could get a better look at him—now a little shaken because she was already being dismissed— tried to press on. “Mr. Strider, even if I don’t want to go, I fear that I must.”

The captain raised an eyebrow. “And what’s so bloody important that you’d risk your life ta get ta those pissing islands?” He drummed his fingers against the bar nervously. “Risk your life and my life and my crew’s lives.” He leaned toward her.

“Tell me. I want ta know why you’re goin’ through all of this trouble.”

Celestia sighed, looking away from him. “I cannot tell you that.”

He looked at her for a long moment before, with a grunt, he rose from his seat. “Moon, come on, we’re going back to the ship.”

Celestia sputtered while the batpony from before rose from his seat and saluted. “Aye aye, captain!”

Strider looked around the silent room before throwing a small bag of bits on the counter. Of course the lass had to look for me here, he thought, adjusting his head. A princess wouldn’t know that sailors are the fuckin’ worst gossips in the world.

With a growl, he snapped, “And what are you lot gawkin’ at?”

As one, everyone in the bar looked away and began talking to each other and the music started playing back up like nothing had happened. With a nod, Strider slowly made his way toward the exit, his boot and fake leg thumping against the wooden floor loudly as Celestia rose from her seat and trotted after him.

No, I cannot let him go, she thought desperately, throwing open the doors, a rush of cold night air hitting her as she looked around. He is the only one who can help me.

“Mr. Strider!”

The captain didn’t turn around as he and the batpony made their way down the street.

“Mr. Strider, please wait! We can work something out!”

Moon looked at him. “Cappy, maybe we should listen ta the princess,” He gestured a wing toward her. “It wouldn’t be good fer anypony if we start pissin’ around royalty.”

Strider stopped in the middle of the road, a hand on his sword. “Moon, Lad, she wants us to go to the Sky Lands,” He tapped his peg leg against the ground for emphasis. “A place where I’m not taking the Sky Hawk anywhere near, not for all of the gold in the world; not for anything.”

“Please, captain,” the princess said, galloping toward him. “Please just let me explain.”

He growled at her, his eyes shining in the moonlight. “Good gods, Princess, ya haven’t explained a fuckin’ thing ta me yet,” He turned around and spread his arms wide. “So please, go ahead, enlighten me and my first mate as ta why ya need ta go there.”

She looked around warily. “I don’t know if we should discuss this out here...“

“Ya shouldn’t ‘ave talked around it in there,” Moon said offhandedly. “Now everypony with a ship will know that ya want passage to the Sky Lands.”

The alicorn couldn’t help but smile ruefully. Half of the city is going to know by tomorrow anyway, she thought. But he’s right; I shouldn’t have run in there like a foal in a candy store.

That didn’t matter now; what mattered to her was getting the three of them out of this part of the city and for her to get them to agree to her terms before the night was over. I cannot take no for an answer. He’s the only one that can ferry us there with some semblance of safety. Now, where to take them…

Celestia looked around again before her horn started to glow. “Before we get into this, would it be alright it we went to a more… secluded area?”

Strider narrowed his eyes at her before looking down at his leg-- the good one. Yep, it’s hurting, he thought with a sigh. This is going ta be one of those nights…

By now, any captain worth his salt would have already taken off his boots and ran for the hills, but he honestly wanted to hear what the princess had to say. If he didn’t get anything else out of it, at least he could get a good laugh out of what she had to say.

Moon leaned toward him. “Cap, it sounds like a trap,” he muttered out the corner of his mouth.

Strider grinned, nudging him. “Aw, where’s yer sense of adventure?”

The batpony grunted, his ears twitching in irritation. “Alright, but if we get napped then don’t come crying ta me.”

With a little chuckle, Strider looked back at the Princess. “Alright, use yer—“

POP!

“—Magic,” he blinked as he looked around; the rundown buildings had been replaced with mansions and buildings of wood had turned onto ones of stone and steel. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that they had left the slums and ended up in a nicer part of the city.

The captain and first mate glared at the alicorn, who grinned sheepishly. “Would the two of you like to like to join me for a late dinner?” She gestured toward a fancy diner. “We can discuss things while we fill our bellies.”

<~~~~~)

Strider, and arguably Moon, had seen many, many things in their many years of sailing the skies.

Moon had once seen a gryphon dress up as a camel and slap his Emperor right in the face with a rubber chicken and live to tell the tale.

Strider had once seen a sky-whale fighting a Nootka; the two animals ripping each other apart as a horrible storm raged on all around them and destroyed everything in its path.

Neither of the two, in all of their years of sailing, had ever seen a pony clear out a whole restaurant with a smile and a few choice words and then proceed to try to eat half of her weight in ice cream cake.

For politeness’ sake, Strider had taken his hat and bandana off, the two had relinquished their weapons—which Celestia had pointed out they weren’t supposed to be carrying in her city anyway—and he was drinking a glass of ice water, turning down her offer for anything to eat.

Moon, who was happily drinking a glass of apple juice, leaned toward his captain. “Cap, she eats more than half our crew put together.”

Unfortunately for him, Celestia heard that, the alicorn lifting her muzzle from her plate slightly to glare at the batpony while a blush crept up her neck. When she saw Strider fighting to keep the grin off of his face, she smiled and said jokingly, “Oh, my apologies, would you two like some?”

Gods, give me patience. Strider played with his beard absentmindedly. “Princess, could we please get this over with? My ship and I are leaving as soon as the sun rises.” It would be bloody sooner, but since I’m a jackass, I’m here with you…

The Princess looked unsure for a moment before she leaned across the table. “I need passage to the Sky Lands for four ponies, including myself. If we are taken there and back safely, I will personally make sure that you and your crew will never want again for anything.”

“Ya will not set one hoof on my ship unless ya tell me why,” Strider said stubbornly, taking a sip of his water. “Half of my kind died trying to get into that bloody place, and the rest are either drunks, whores, or mad men because of it.” He tapped his peg leg against the floor loudly, startling her.

“I tried the same thing, damn me, and lost a ship, a crew, and my leg,” He looked down at the glass of water in his hands before looking back up at her. “And I count myself lucky for it.”

The fire in her eyes surprised him as Celestia ruffled her feathers. “I already said that I cannot tell you, captain.”

Strider leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “Then find someone else to take ya,” he said dismissively. “Ya have a whole fleet of ships in that harbor of yours; use them.”

Celestia slammed a hoof against the table. “I will not risk the lives of my little ponies—“

The captain growled while Moon shrunk back, the big man getting out of his chair explosively. “But you’ll fuckin’ risk ours?!”

The Princess also rose out of her seat, the chair all but thrown across the room as she stood up and made her way toward Strider, the two butting heads.

What the ’ell’s got the two of them so worked up? Moon thought to himself while suddenly wishing that he had his pistols on him.

“You are Strider Longshanks,” Celestia spat. “The Last of the Skylords, the Rider of the Five Winds, He-Who-Survived-Tartarus—“

“And ya expect me ta survive it again? With four passengers that have probably never set foot on a sky ship?!” Because of his size and weight, he forced the alicorn back as he took an angry step forward.

Celestia went on like she hadn’t heard him. “There’s nopony else out there with your skill,” With a grunt, she forced him to take a step back with a hard shove. “You’re the only one out of thousands that made it back alive from the Sky Lands!”

Moon saw that his captain was reaching for a sword that wasn’t at his side. Here’s to hopin’ that he don’t bloody hit her. He raised his glass and took a big gulp of his juice. It’s too buckin’ cold fer running away from the guards fer my taste.

“Tell me why,” Strider growled while horrific scenes played out in his head; scenes from his last journey to that evil place. “I swear ta the gods I’d rather blow my ship ta bloody pieces than go there so you TELL. ME. WHY.”

And like that, Celestia deflated, looking away from the angry captain. “The Sky Lands are located at the top of the world,” she almost whispered. “It is where every ley-line on this earth originates from. It is place so magical that whole islands float in the air like they were pieces of paper in the wind.” She shivered. “And it is where some of this world’s terrors once dwelt in their youth.”

Strider took a step away from her as she continued.

“A few days ago, my sister and I received a message from a very reliable source that there are some worrying things happening there. Worrying things the must be dealt with immediately.” She looked up at him hopefully. “To solve this potential threat, my fellow princesses and I must make the journey there to set things right.”

“And you’re the only ones that can do this?” the captain asked, narrowing his eyes.

She nodded. “We’re the only ones that can do it,” she said, walking past him, levitating her fallen chair toward the table and sitting back down. “Please, Mr. Strider, please sit down. Let us talk about this with cool heads.”

Moon gave him a half-hearted smile, patting the chair next to him. “Come on, Cappy,” he said brightly. “She offered ta feed us; the least we can do is ‘ear her out.”

To Celestia’s immense relief, Strider said down after a moment, his face masked with an unreadable expression.

“I promise you that if there was another way I wouldn’t ask you to do this, but the world needs you, Mr. Strider,” she pleaded, touching his and Moon’s shoulders with her wings. “I have heard that a Skylord maps every new land that he or she navigates through, and your skills as a captain are known worldwide.”

She bowed her head. “Please, I ask you, not as a Princess, not as an alicorn, but as a pony. Please help us save the world from something that desperately wishes to destroy it.”

For a brief, brief moment, Celestia thought that she had him as he stroked his chin thoughtfully, his grey eyes looking at nothing as he pondered, but then he shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Lass,” he said, actually sounding like he was sorry. “But I will not risk my men and my ship for this. You’ll just have to--” He and Moon winced as Celestia sharply pulled her wings away from them, the two blinking at a sudden pricking sensation.

“C-Cap, I don’t f-feel ta good,” Moon muttered beside him, his head drooping and his eyes clouded.

Strider looked at his crew member, frowning, and then blinked in confusion as the world slowly started to melt. “Ya…drugged…us,” he said, trying and failing to rise out of his chair as the Princess looked at him in determination.

Moon was already asleep, snoring quietly in his chair as Strider looked for anything to attack the Princess with.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Strider,” Celestia said, retracting her wings back to her sides. “But you’ve left me no choice.”

Stay…awake…stay. He tried to shake his head but ended up slumping out of his chair, the Princess catching him with her magic before his head hit the ground.

“Bugger all you...ponies,” he whispered, before the world turned pitch-black.

(~~~~>

Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, Queen of the Bookworms, and Princess of Friendship, was trying in vain to sit still as she, Cadance, and Luna waited for Celestia to return; hopefully she would have good news.

Just calm down, Twilight, she thought, taking a deep, shaky breath. The Princess knows what she’s doing. She’ll talk to this captain and we’ll all get there safely and everything will work out.

Already, she missed her friends and Spike, but she knew that, as a Princess, it was her duty to help protect the world from any threat no matter—

“I’m back everypony!”

The princesses’ heads snapped toward the door to see a smiling Celestia poking her head through it.

Luna sighed in relief, getting out of her seat and making her way toward her sister. “Sister,” she said. “How did everything—“

She stopped, and everypony gawked, as Celestia fully entered the room, revealing an unconscious sky ship captain and his first mate slung over her back like sacks of flour.

The white alicorn looked back at her baggage, then looked at her fellow princesses, before saying brightly, “Good news; I have our captain!”

Cadance was the first to recover, walking over and poking Strider with a hoof, flinching when the man let out a sleepy growl. “Um, Aunty?”

Celestia brushed past her niece and gently placed the two onto a couch, the four princesses crowding around at them while they privately tried to piece together what had happened.

“Yes, Cadance?”

Cadance struggled to find the right words. “Did you ponynap these two?”

Twilight snorted. “The Princess would never do anything like that, Cadance,” she said, looking up at her teacher. “Right, Princess?”

Luna looked at her sister, then at the two sailors, before she cast a spell, her horn glowing before she said, “Yep, Celestia drugged these two,” she said calmly while Cadance and Twilight gawked. “If I had to guess, she nicked them both with a sleeping needle. Am I right, Sister?”

Celestia just gave her little sister a sheepish smile as she continued.

“The human here, even while drugged, is still coherent enough to be pretty mad with you, sister mine.”

Twilight had to resist the urge to jump out a window in panic as the ramifications at what she had just heard flashed through her mind. I’m an accomplice to a ponynapping?! OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh!

Celestia looked down at Strider, patting him on the chin. “I had no choice,” she told her fellow alicorns. “He was about to refuse, and we need him to get us there safely to deal with this threat.”

Luna nodded, taking the captain’s hat off of his head and putting it on her own. “She’s right, Twilight and Cadance.” She eyed the weapons that Celestia still had on her back in a way that Twilight didn’t like. “Neither my sister or I have been to the Sky Lands, but this man has.”

She giggled when she saw that he had a peg leg.

“Ooooh, I wonder if he calls his crew salty dogs.” She used a spell, and Strider’s coat was on her body a moment later, although it didn’t fit her frame well; it was too big in the shoulders and too short in the arms.

Trying to get a hold of herself, she cleared her throat and continued, “It may be wrong, but we have no choice, and I’m sure that he will appreciate the reward we will give him when all of us return.”

With another spell, she levitated over an eye patch from a counter and Moon’s flintlocks, strapping them on each flank. “We are some of the most powerful creatures on this planet. I’m sure we’ll be able to handle a few pirates, monsters, and what have you.” She took Strider’s sword, unsheathed it, and pointed it toward the ceiling.

“Sister has made sure that our absences will not cause Equestria harm, we have a famous—“

Strider snored, his legs slowly kicking as he grumbled in his sleep.

“—captain that will sail us to glory.”

Twilight raised a hoof. “Um, Princess Lun—“

Luna hopped up on a sofa and struck a pose. “Now, all we need to do is somehow convince this captain’s crew to let us aboard and to set sail before he wakes up.”

Cadance giggled, walking toward her bags. “Well, I’ll get these then.” She tittered in excitement. “I wonder what it’s like to be on a sky ship!”

Twilight tried to be the rational one in all of this, saying, “We can’t do this.” She pointed toward Moon. “Drugging ponies, abusing our power like—“

Celestia picked up her bags, Strider, and Moon, and made her way toward the door, a small smile on her face while Pirate-Luna galloped around the room excitedly. “It’s for the good of the world, Twilight,” she said to the younger alicorn. “And I have a feeling that by the end of this, the captain and the four of us will be the best of friends.”

“…And we’ll all be laughing when we look back at this?”

Celestia looked up at the floating human. “If all goes well, yes,” Strider snorted again, his eyebrows furrowing as he continued his angry grumbling. “If not then we’ll figure something out.”

(~~~~>

“Here is the ship, my lady.” A guardspony said, saluting as Celestia and her fellow princesses trotted up toward him.

Celestia gave her little pony a thankful smile as she looked around the docking bay—or harbor, as many of the sky ship captains liked to call it—the low humming of the various ships’ thrusters drowning out all other sounds as she stood there.

While not a place where sky ships usually visited, Canterlot boasted one of the largest harbors this side of Manehattan, with a repair shop able to fix everything from a royal navy mare-of-war to a commercial merchant vessel with relative ease.

It’s smaller than I thought it was going to be, Celestia thought, looking up at Strider’s vessel, a simple clipper vessel: a thin, but long ship with three massive sails that almost touched the harbor’s ceiling.

Speed and maneuverability were what it was made for, and it truly was the perfect balance between wood and steel, new and old; though she couldn’t help but notice the gun ports on each side of the little ship, so that soured the sight for the alicorn slightly.

The ship itself was average—as average as a sky ship could be anyway—if well looked after, all four of the ship’s thrusters well-cleaned and maintained as they purred under the ship.

The solar monarch looked back at her guard. “Has there been any activity on the ship, Sergeant?” she asked.

The guardspony shook his head. “Other than the Captain and first mate leaving several hours ago, there hasn’t been a peep out of the ship, Princess.” His gaze wandered over a little to see Princess Luna dressed up as a pirate and a nervous Twilight carrying an unconscious human and batpony in her magic.

An odd sight if he had ever seen one.

You’re not paid to ask questions, he thought to himself, wrenching his gaze back to the Princess. And this isn’t the weirdest thing you’ve seen the princess do…

“Would you like me to escort you onto the ship?”

Celestia shook her head. “No thank you, Sergeant, we’ll handle it from here. You may return to the castle.”

The guardspony bowed. “May you come home safely, Princess.”

Celestia looked back up at the ship, smiling faintly when she saw pairs of glowing eyes staring back at her. They set a guard? Interesting. “We can only hope so, my little pony,” As the guard trotted away, she looked back at Luna. “Now, how about we go and say hello, hum?”

Sometime later…

Strider woke with a gasp, flying up into a sitting position before the thumping in his head caused him to freeze and groan in pain.

“Pissing, fuckin’, hell,” he groaned, looking down to see that he was just in his pants, his fake leg and boot lying next to his bed; his hat, weapons, and coat nowhere to be seen. He blinked, realizing that he was in his Captain’s quarters.

I’m on my bloody ship? he thought, struggling to keep his eyes open as he reached for his peg leg. “This might just be a hangover,” he muttered hopefully, grunting as he slipped his stump through the straps and tightened them. “Whatever happened last night might have just been some weird dream.”

Not bothering to put his shoes on, he slowly limped toward the door. “I swear ta the gods, if that wasn’t a dream…” He threw open the door, blinking at the almost blinding sun. Bloody hell is it bright outside. How long was I out for?

He blinked a few more times, expecting his crew to be doing their jobs, but as his vision cleared, he had to resist the urge to scream in rage when he saw Princess Celestia, not five feet away from him, talking to his shipwright.

“Motherfucker!” he roared, almost shaking in anger as he made his way toward her.

Celestia turned toward him while his crew stopped what they were doing to see what the commotion was all about, the alicorn’s smile vanishing when she saw his murderous look. “Mr. Strider,” she said backing up while he advanced. “Please let me explain—“

“Ya fuckin’ drugged me,” he snarled, before a look of realization slowly came across his face.

By now, the whole crew, and the other three princesses, were all watching the scene unfold on the poop deck, the other princesses watching nervously as the crew looked at each other in confusion.

Strider’s looked changed from angry to livid, Celestia looking around the smallish ship to see if there was a way to get to get away from the big man before he went beserk. “Ya shanghaied me…”

Celestia squeaked when her rump hit a rail. “P-Please, capta—“

“YA SHANGHAIED ME ON MY OWN FUCKIN’ SHIP, YOU BLOODY—“

The Captain was cut off from his yelling fit, and then possible assault and murder of a princess, when the barrel of a flintlock pistol was pressed against his head, which was then followed by someone cocking back the cock of the gun.

“Ye be threaten’ me sister, mate-y,” Pirate-Luna said, adjusting Strider’s hat on her head while the man turned toward her, his eye twitching.

She almost took a step back from the angry, big, shirtless human, but since she was wearing a pirate outfit-- and therefore was suppose to act like she didn’t give a horseapple-- she decided to throw caution to the wind and to tell this ‘captain’ what was what.

“We be commandeering this ship, me-hearty,” she said pressing the pistol against his cheek a little harder. “Now ye—“

If Luna had ever before set sail on a sky ship, or ever even talked to a sailor, she would have realized her mistake as the edges of Strider’s vision slowly started to turn red. A captain’s ship is his baby, and you never tell a father that you’re taking their child away.

Faster than Luna could see, Strider took his hat off her head, slapped her pistol away, picked her up, and tossed her overboard with a snarl as everyone gasped in shock.

Strider himself couldn’t help but smile meanly as the Lunar princess disappeared over the side of the ship with a yelp as he put his hat back where it belonged.

“Luna!” Celestia cried, as the captain picked up the flintlock and pointed it at her.

“Ya. Shanghaied. Me. On my own bloody ship. I. Am. Going. To. Fucking. Shoot. Ya.” It didn’t matter to him that she was a princess, or what the consequences of shooting her would be. He was tired, his head hurt, and he was thoroughly sick and tired of what was happening.

“Um, Cap?” Strider stopped and looked at his crew, all of whom were looking at him in concern.

“Yes, Mr. Claw,” he said, raising an eyebrow at a gryphon, who, gulping, took a step forward.

“Would you mind tell us what’s going on?” He gestured toward the gun that he had stuck in Celestia’s mouth. “Didn’t you agree to—“

“They fuckin’ drugged me, Lad’s,” Strider said sourly. “The lass here wanted us all—“

He blinked as everyone of his crew surrounded him, guns cocked and swords drawn and pointed at him.

“We know, Cap,” one of them said, gingerly taking the pistol out of his hand. “The Princesses explained everything ta us,” They all nodded. “We just needed ta get ya talking fer a bit so ya wouldn’t shoot anypony.”

Strider blinked as the crowd shifted uncomfortably, many of them now realizing that they were actually pointing weapons at their captain. Sure, they had talked about this beforehand, but doing it was something else entirely.

Another one of them, gathering up his courage, added, “We all talked about it, and we decided that we should take the princesses to the Sky Lands.”

“And all of you are doin’ this outta the kindness of yer hearts?” Strider asked dangerously, everyone taking a step back as he looked around.

A minotaur cleared his throat. “Da Princess offered us all a reward,” he said, the rest of them nodding eagerly.

“Yeah,” another said, while a vein bulged out of Strider’s forehead. “She said that she’d give us enough bits to buy our own ships and—“

“NO!” The human roared, taking a step toward the crowd, who looked ready to drop their weapons and run away. “DO YA FUCKERS KNOW WHAT YOU’LL USE THE FUCKING MONEY ON?”

A pegasus tried to calm him down. “Cap, please—“

He squeaked when the man picked him up and lifted him into the air with a hand. “THERE’S EIGHTY OF YA ON MY SHIP, AND DO YA FUCKING KNOW WHAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YA CUNTS WILL SPEND THE MONEY ON?!”

He dropped the terrified pony and looked around. “YOU’LL SPEND IT ALL ON WHORES AND BOOZE, YA FUCKING MORONS!”

The crew cowered, backing away from him as he walked forward, too upset to even register the other princesses before he tripped on himself, stumbling a few steps before stopping and closing his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, rubbing his temples, and summoning up a surprising amount of willpower, the captain muttered, “Just stay bleedin’ calm,” to himself, running a hand through his hair. “Yer crew ain’t the brightest bunch of lads, just breathe.”

After a few more breaths, he asked, “Where are we right now?”

“We’re east of Fillydelphia, Cap; a thousand feet up.”

Strider’s eyes snapped open, his hands searching for a breath-easy crystal around his neck, and, thankfully, finding one. So that’s why I can breathe, he thought, relieved.

“You threw me overboard!” an angry voice said from behind him. Turning around, the captain saw it was a disheveled Luna, missing her eyepatch, pointing another pistol at him with an angry expression.

Strider looked her up and down, a frown coming back to his face. “Why are you wearing my clothes?” he demanded while Luna’s eyes widened in anger.

“YOU BUCKING THREW ME OVERBOARD!”

He just moved the gun away from his face with a finger. “Take off my bloody coat, ya git!”

Celestia, seeing that she wasn’t going to be beaten to death—for now—by the man, separated them with a spell.

“Now, now,” she said. “I understand that there might be hard feelings—“

Strider shook his head. “We’re not going ta the Sky Lands, lass,” he said, walking over to the steering wheel. With a grunt, he spun it, everyone on board struggling to keep their feet as the ship turned violently.

“Ya may have tricked my crew, and drugged me, but I’m not taking my lads to their deaths.” Cadance, Celestia, Luna, and Twilight crowded around him as he looked out in the open sky. “I’ll take ya back to Canterlot, but that’s the farthest you’re going on my ship.”

He glared at his crew. “You lot get back ta work—after ya put those weapons under the deck—and you four,” he looked down at the princesses.

“Find someone else to go on this mad quest.” After a second, he added, “I’ll even give ya me ol’ map from back when I went to the accursed place to show ya that I mean no ill-will.”

“Please—“

“You lot better get down under the deck; I don’t want my boys dancing around ya while they’re working.”

Strider looked at the crowd of weapon-toting sailors with slight irritation as the princesses sadly made their way under the deck. “Oh, and before I forget, for the little ‘mutiny’ you lot lost your rum rations for the next month.”

He didn’t get the round of cries that he was expecting; instead his crew was looking at him sadly.

A gryphon, Shroud Beak, took off his hat and took a step forward. “Capn’, please, why don’t ya want ta help the princesses?”

Striders’ grip tightened on the wheel. “Lads, you know that place is dangerous,” he said quietly, a far-off look in his eyes. “I’m sure you lot have heard the stories. But stories will never do that place justice. None enter there and make it back alive.”

The crew, lads that he had known for years, people who he had worked and sweated and laughed and cried with, looked at each other before grinning collectively. “Well then, Cap, that means we have ta go now!” someone said as he raised an eyebrow.

“Come again? I don’t think I heard that right.” Their grins became wider.

An earth pony took a step forward. “Think about it Cap: If we go there and make it back alive, we’ll be legends!”

“Yeah!” Another took a step forward. “You’ll be the captain that made it out of Sky Lands twice! And we’ll be the crew that helped you!”

“An’ even if ya take us back, we’ll make sure we take’em there!” someone roared, the whole crew cheering in excitement

Strider rubbed his temples as they all nodded to each other. “Lads—“

“We’ll be heroes!”

“We’ll get ta help save the world!”

“We’ll get free rum!”

“We’ll—“

“SHUT IT!” the captain finally roared, silencing the chatty group, his eyes blazing as he looked at each and every one of them.

With another sigh, he said, “Did the princess put those ideas into yer heads?”

They all nodded. “She’s got a head on her shoulders, Cap.”

“And ya do realized that every one of ya are cowards, right?”

Rather than be offended, they just chuckled. “Then you’ll just have to be brave enough for all of us then, Cap.”

Just tell’em to get back to work, he thought desperately. You’ll take those bleedin’ princesses home and wash your hands of this nonsense…

With a groan, he pointed out a stallion in the crowd; his navigator, Star Sight. “Star, come here and watch the wheel, I’m going ta,” he sighed. I’m still half-naked, dammit…

“I’m going ta go talk ta those bloody ponies.”

Star nodded, trotting over to the wheel and getting on his hind legs so he could steer. “Do I keep course, Cap?”

Strider growled, walking down the steps that led to the main deck. “Make a course ta Talonia,” he said bitterly. “We’ll need ta stock up before going on this bloody adventure.”

Never before had a man been more upset at a happy crew as the lot cheered.

<~~~~)

Unlike its wetter and danker cousin, under the deck of a sky ship was actually a pretty pleasant place to be. It wasn’t riddled with mold, it smelled all right--usually-- and it was a place to get out of the sun and wind. Sure, it was a little darker than most people liked, but at least it was cool.

The Sky Hawk’s lower deck was pretty much the same as most sky ships, but it had the advantage of actually having a few sun stones around to light the place up.

With this artificial light, you could see a series of doors that would lead you to the captain’s quarters, the crews’ quarters, a small mystery door, a small dining area, and a storage area where most of the ship’s supplies were kept.

This place, specifically, was the crews’ quarters: a place where the crew could just relax and cool off and sleep when they didn’t have to work.

Not that a nice climate made the situation any better for Celestia as she desperately paced back and forth, trying to figure out how to turn this situation on its head and to change the captain’s mind.

But even with all of her years of diplomatic experience, charisma, and know-how, every heartfelt and motivational thing that she had ever heard or said was forgotten as she paced, her face panicked as her fellow princesses watched her.

“Um, Princess?”

“He’s the only one that can help us.”

“Sister.”

“I need to think of a way to bring him to our side, mayb—“

The four princesses turned around when they heard a door slamming, an angry Strider making his way past them. “You four, come with me,” he growled, not looking as them as he opened the mystery door and walked through it.

Celestia looked at Luna in confusion. “What—“

“Oh, for gods’ sake, FUCKIN’ GET IN THERE!”

The princesses looked at each other for a moment before cautiously making their way to the door and walking into a room that was lit by a single candle.

Celestia’s senses were assaulted by the smell of old paper and ink as soon as she stepped through. She gasped in amazement as she looked around; the small room was packed, from floor to ceiling, with maps of all sizes and shapes. Some of them were rolled up, some of them were hanging on the walls, and there were even some that looked like they had just been tossed to the ground.

There must be thousands, she thought as she looked at the captain.

Strider poked his head into a pile of the maps, a frowned etched deeply on his face. “For over three thousand years, my people have been trying ta get into the Sky Lands,” he said, throwing maps over his shoulder as he looked around.

“We didn’t know why we wanted ya get into it: maybe it called ta us, maybe our pride was the reason, maybe the gods just wanted ta be rid of us. But in the end, it was our ruin.” He turned back toward them, his eyes flickering in the candlelight.

“My mother, my father, my cousins, my brothers, sisters, everyone that I knew, is dead because of that horrible place,” He walked to the other side of the room.

“Mr. Captain, Sir,” Cadance said as she dodged a rolled-up map, Strider grumbling as he squatted down, his rough hands searching the bundles. “What’s—“

“I went,” he continued, ignoring her. “Ta those accursed islands, as a younger man, to see if I could get my father back; see if I could save any of my family.”

The princesses watched as he picked up a huge vellum map-- richly decorated and colorful and rolled up carefully-- and walked over to the table that was in the center of the room.

“The only thing that I found, starving, tired, alone, and without a leg, was my father’s broken ship, smashed into a thousand pieces; my da’ and his crew’s skeletons,” Celestia silently watched as he slowly, carefully, looked over the map while the others gasped in shock.

He took a shaky breath, leaning over the table at them. “The only reason that I made it out of there alive was because there was a dinghy on the side of that wreck that I was able ta fly off with.”

Each one of the ponies flinched as he dropped the map into the table with a loud thump. “Now, are ya sure that ya want ta go to this place?”

Twilight was the first to speak up, a worried look on her face while she puffed up her chest. “We don’t have a choice, Mr. Strider,” she said. “The world is at stake.”

Strider closed his eyes before he looked back down at the map. “Ladies, I can tell ya, with the utmost certainty, that there’s a good chance that we will not make it back, so I beg ya ta reconsider.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “So you’ve changed your mind?” she asked, her hope rekindling. He looks TIRED… “You’re going to take us there?”

The captain nodded. “You’ve made a hell of an impression on my crew; and you’re right, I’m the only one that can get you lot there,” Quietly, he unrolled the massive map before motioning them forward.

Frowning, he pointed at a spot on the map. “We are here.” He slid his finger all the way to the other end of the map. “We need ta get all the bloody way there. My ship is fast, but it’s almost a three thousand mile trip. Now,” he looked at each of them.

“I’m going ta ask ya one last time; are ya sure you want ta do this?”

They looked at each other before Cadance nodded, making him pinch the bridge of his nose.

“If I’m doing this, ya need ta remember, you’re not royalty on my ship. In face, it’ll be safer for everyone if you lot are just normal ponies until we get you back home.” He pointed at their crowns. “Those are coming off, and we’re gonna go back up on deck and see if Moon’s awake yet so he can get ya situated.”

He rolled the map back up and blew out the candle.

“Thank you, captain,” Celestia said quietly as the man passed her. “I promise you that your help will not go unrewarded.”

He grunted, leading the alicorns up the stairs and back up onto the deck. “I don’t have a bloody clue why I’m not just throwing ya all overboard, so don’t be thanking me,” he muttered, as a tired and bleary-eyed Moon made his way toward them, the stallion looking at the group in confusion.

“Cap, what the hay ‘appened last night?” He asked while Strider yawned.

“We were drugged, brought on board of the Sky Hawk, and now we’re going to get stocked up so we can go halfway around the world and probably die in the Sky Lands,” Strider answered while Moon blinked.

“…Bloody ‘ell, really?” the first mate asked, while his captain patted him on the back.

“Yep. Now get them set up in the crew’s quarters, tell’em the ship’s rules, and hide that jewelry somewhere so no one pokes at it.” He stretched lazily. “I’m gonna go and sleep this headache off.”

With that, he left a bewildered Moon with the gaggle of princesses, the bat pony opening his mouth and closing it as Strider walked past him and toward his cabin, opening the door, walking through it, and closing it with a slam.

“Bugger,” he muttered with a sigh. “Why does this always ‘appen when I’m asleep?”

Captains log, 1283

I’m bloody stupider than I look.

Probably the stupidest man that has ever sailed the sky.

If I wasn’t, I would’ve left that buggering city three days ago, I wouldn’t have entertained that bloody princess, and NONE OF THIS WOULD’VE HAPPENED.

But, since I’m a fuckin’ moron, my first mate and I were drugged, forced onto my ship, and now I have to take four princesses to the most dangerous place on the planet for some stupid fuckin’ reason.

Fuck me.

Years ago, I promised myself that I wouldn’t step foot near that place, but, like I keep saying, I’m a fucking idiot, and my crew are idiots, and a few sad ponies can talk us into anything, so we’re setting sail to the Gryphon Empire to restock so we can start this… journey.

In my defense, my crew ARE stupid enough to try to take them if I take the princesses back to Canterlot, and I couldn’t have that on my conscience.

Dammit; why couldn’t I have been one of those heartless sky captains?! Why do I feel this blasted need to go back there?!?!?! WHY WHY WHY?

...Just stay calm; you don’t want your crew knocking on the door and asking you why you threw your desk...

Anyway, I’ve known them for less than an hour and I can already tell that all four of my passengers are less than worthless and as annoying as a group of sky howlers.

The pink one won’t leave my crew alone, the purple one won’t stop asking me questions about my pissing ship, I swear to the gods’ that I might just shoot the blue one, and the cunt that forced this all onto my lap, the white one, won’t stop telling me how fucking grateful she fucking is.

And to top it all off, that bloody night princess still won’t give me back my coat.

Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight…. A small part of me hopes that this lot is as weak as they appear so they can give up and we all can just go home. The other, crazier, part hopes that we die so I can look at Celestia in our final moments and say, ‘I told you so, you big bitch.’

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!

Let Sleeping Captains Lie

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For years, Blueblood had quietly worked behind the scenes for his Aunt. If the alicorn ever needed somepony to oversee a construction project, he was the stallion. She needed a stallion to go all over Canterlot to find the perfect catering place for this year’s Gala? He was the first in line to go taste-testing. Somepony had to bit the bullet and go read to fillies and colts at a local school? He was already doing it.

Sure, what he did was usually thankless, horrible work, but he knew he had to pay his dues if he ever wanted to start playing in the big leagues. Ruling cities, nobles listening to everything that he had to say, all the ice cream he wanted from any store he wanted, he wanted that responsibility, he wanted that burden on his shoulders.

And, to his immense joy, today was finally that day.

At first, he was worried about his Aunt’s and step-siblings going on some insane adventure, everypony was already worried sick about them, but then Celestia had told him that he was going to be co-ruling Equestria while she was gone!

He was going to make the important decisions, he was going to get down and dirty, wading knee-deep in bureaucracy so he could help make the common ponies life better!

…At least, he thought he was.

Shining Armor, on the other hand, really never had a desire to rule or command or anything like that. Sure, he been the captain of the guard, and now he was a prince-consort, but he never really wanted any of it.

He loved his wife, princess or not, and would be happily married to her even if they had to live in a cardboard box. He hadn’t wanted to command his fellow guards, but, like any good soldier, he took the command they had given him.

Yep, Shining wanted to be a simple stallion; let other ponies make the important decisions, he only wanted to work with what fate had given him and do the best he could with everything from his work to his love-life.

But, to his very core, he was a soldier. A soldier that took orders from his superiors and a soldier that did his duty. So when the princess asked him to help keep Equestria running while they were gone, he did the only thing he could do: bite the bullet and help rule the kingdom to the best of his ability.

To his relief, it didn’t seem that hard.

“Blue,” Shining said quietly from Luna’s throne. “Do you happen to know what time it is?”

Blueblood looked over at his step-brother, who was decked out in his finest suit—he wanted to look his best for his first day on the job— before sighing in confusion and irritation.

“It’s eleven, Shining,” he said, looking around the throne room while he slumped in Celestia’s seat.

Shining nodded slowly. “Alright,” he said, wiggling around to get comfortable in his chair. “So where is everypony?”

Blueblood sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I have no idea; Auntie’s court started an hour ago, so this place should be filled to the brim with ponies.

“Aha,” Shining said after a minute before sitting up a little bit, just wiggling around out of boredom. “…Maybe it’s just a slow day?”

Elsewhere…

“Sir Spike, we have those forms that you wanted!” a servant said, rushing into the smallish room that Celestia had let the dragon borrow and placing a mountain of paperwork into an oak-wood desk that he was using.

Spike nodded, his claws nimbly navigating the mess of ink jars, quills, and paper to snatch a small cup of coffee, taking a finishing sip of it before handing it off to the maid. “Thanks, Feather Duster,” he said, his gaze going back to an important trade agreement.

“Could you do me a favor and get me another one of those? I have a feeling that I’m going to be here for a while.”

Feather Duster nodded, and was about to rush toward through the door and toward the kitchen to do as he asked, when she stopped. Like a shining beacon of reasonableness, an idea presented itself in her head.

Here was a dragon, barely into his teenage years, somehow managing to run a whole kingdom, practically by himself, and, at least by a paperwork standpoint, he was doing a slightly better job than Celestia did on her best day.

Never mind that she didn’t know that paperwork was pretty much Spike’s whole life…well, that and cleaning up, but, even as a babe, he was writing something. Reports for Twilight, stuff for homeschooling, love letters to Rarity, Spike had been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

To the maid at least, seeing him finishing up all the paperwork needed to handle a tweak to the whole kingdom's tax laws that was set to pass in less than ten minutes almost made her question what she, a simple everyday maid, could do if she set her mind to it.

Could she run a kingdom? Nope, probably not.

Could she go out and maybe open up a pizza place that also happened to sell fireworks in the back?...

“Um, Feather, are you alright there?”

The unicorn blinked before looking at a slightly concerned-looking Spike, who had already worked through a lot of the paperwork she had just given him. Sweet Celestia, she thought while smiling at him. What is he? Some kind of machine? Robot? Copier and fax machine combined?

“I’m fine, Spike, I was just off in my own little world,” she said, swishing her tail dismissively.

Spike looked at her a little longer before burying his face back into his work. “Alright, if you’re sure… Oh and before I forget, could you go find Shining and Prince Blueblood?” He grinned sheepishly at her. “I might have accidentally forgotten to tell them that the day and night courts are postponed until the princesses get back.”

(~~~~>

Celestia watched as Strider slammed the door behind him, using all of her considerable willpower not to slump down onto the wooden deck and laugh in relief. Even though their stay had already gotten off to an already rocky start, she did it! She got her captain.

And hopefully he’s as fine of a captain as they say, she thought, looking down at the captain’s first mate, Moon, if she correctly remembered his name.

Said batpony was looking at her and her fellow princesses with a wide-eyed, and slightly annoyed, looked that almost made her chuckle aloud; though she didn’t, waking Strider wouldn’t have helped anypony.

The flustered bat yawning and rubbing an eye before he smiled brightly at them. “Well, it looks like yer a part o’ the crew now!”

He stretched, cat-like, grunting as his spine popped, Twilight wincing in disgust, as he turned around. “Come on then, let’s get ya set up. I’ll show ya where everythin’ is and put away yer effects so no one bucks with it.”

He tapped his head with a wing, snorting before turning back around and bowing. “Where are my manners? The name’s Moon, first mate and Echo-locator of the Sky Hawk.”

Twilight, smiling, took a step forward and offered him a hoof. “Hello, Mr. Moon I’m Twilight Sparkle.” She pointed at Cadance. “That’s Cadance, over there’s Princess Celestia, and there Lu—hey, where’s Luna?”

Celestia and Cadance blinked, looking between each other—where the Lunar Princess had been standing—and seeing that Luna was nowhere to be seen.

Cadance looked around the ship. “Where’s—“

“Open up this bucking door, Captain!” Luna roared, pounding in his door with her pistol still in her magical grasp.

“Luna,” Celestia hissed, a frown on her face. “Leave the man alone! He’s trying to sleep!”

Moon yawned again. “I’m not surprised, that sleeping dart of yers still has me bloody dizzy.”

Celestia looked at him apologetically. “I’m sorry for that, Mr. Shine.”

He waved her away. “Wasn’t the first time me and the Cappy ‘been drugged,” he said dismissively. “I’m not even mad at ya. Though, Princess,” he called to Luna, who was still pounding on the door like it owed her money. “I wouldn’t be doing that, the cap—“

BOOM!

Luna reeled back as a bullet tore through the door, somehow missing her horn and smacking against her crown, the princess yelping as it exploded off her head, her pistol dropping to the ground with a loud thud as she looked at the small smoking hole.

“—Doesn’t like ta be disturbed,” the first mate lamely finished as everyone stopped what they were doing to see what happened.

“KNOCK ON MY FUCKIN’ DOOR ONE MORE TIME HORSE! I DARE YA!” Strider roared through the door as Celestia, trying to keep her composure, magicked her sister back to their little group.

Cadance was the first one to collect herself, clearing her throat before saying, “No trying to wake the captain up, got it.”

“He tried to shoot me…” Luna mumbled, her eyes glassy as she looked at the door. “He… tried to… shoot me…”

“Well, the cap’s usually a pretty good shot, so I’m sure he was just tryin’ ta just get ya away from the door…” Moon grinned awkwardly, walking over and picking up what was left of Luna’s crown. “Well, I better show you lot around.” He handed a shaken Luna her crown before motioning all around him.

“This here’s the deck, where some of us look after the deck, the sails, what ‘ave ya.“

He motioned for them to follow as he made his way under the deck. “If I was ya, I wouldn’t be going up there unless somethin’ happens—it gets too pissin’ hot during the day—but be sure ta go up at night, the stars shine like no one’s business… Not that ya can’t go wherever ya want; I’m just trying ta give ya some sound advice.”

He quickly led them down the stairs. “There’s the kitchens.” He walked over and opened the door, revealing a medium-sized room with a few tables and a kitchen that consisted of an even smaller table, some cabinets, knives, cleavers, and any other utensil that you could think of, and a small shove.

“Food’s twice a day, fer the morning and night shift’s. The foods usually bad, but it’ll fill ya up.”

Celestia grinned. “I was looking to lose a little weight anyway,” she said, giving Twilight a playful nudge while Moon closed the door. “What better way than to eat bad food for a few days.”

Moon eyed her. “I’d get as much of the grub as we give ya, Princess, cause I’m sure the cap will want you lot ta help on the ship.”

The four princesses gawked at him while he ushered them into the storage room, the smell of wood, gun powder, spices, silks, and an assortment of other things assaulting them as soon as the batpony shut the door.

This was the second biggest part of the ship, where everything for cannonballs to oranges were kept for safekeeping. Everything was neatly stacked and sorted out so painstakingly that even Twilight couldn’t help but be impressed.

“The captain’s going to want us to help out?” Twilight asked hesitantly. “None of us really have any experience working on a ship…”

Cadance smiled. “And Twilight here doesn’t have any working experience at all,” she chortled while Twilight glared at her.

“The cap don’t take in freeloaders,” Moon said, shrugging. “We’ll find somethin’ fer ya ta do that isn’t that hard,” he told them, pulling out a wooden barrel, popping off the top.

“‘sides, after a month or two, ya’ll want ta do something ta keep from losing yer minds. Now, let’s get that jewelry off and hidden!” He tapped the barrel for emphasis. Celestia looked at her sister before carefully taking off her crown and placing it in the barrel. “We are forcing the captain to ferry us, my little ponies,” she said, starting to take off her horseshoes. “The least we can do is follow the ship’s rules.”

Moon tapped a hoof against the floor. “Yah, the rules, I forgot ta tell ya ‘bout those…” He cleared his throat as each of the princesses lost their crowns, chest plates—if they had them—and shoes, each of them as naked as the day they were born.

“First rule: ya don’t steal any of the rum or whiskey in the kitchens. Ya steal from the rum rations, that means the rest of us don’t get any and that’ll be bad fer ya,” he said while they all rolled their eyes.

“None of us are big drinkers, Mr. Moon,” Twilight said while the batpony placed the lid back on the barrel and tapped it shut.

Moon ignored her while he led them out of the storage room. “Second rule: don’t be shitty ta yer crewmates’. Bad-blood on a ship is bad fer all of us.”

Luna snorted while Celestia nudged her. “Luna, you should apologize to the captain when he wakes up.”

The younger sister guffawed in outrage. “He tried to shoot me!” she growled.

“To be fair, you had a pistol pointed at him…. twice.”

Luna was about to retort when Moon loudly cleared with throat. “Last rule: make sure ta bathe at least twice a week.”

He wilted slightly when they all glared at him with confused and horrified expressions. “Fer a while the crew… wasn’t the most hygienic,” he explained. “The cap got sick of the smell that was coming from crew’s quarters, so we ‘ave that rule now…”

Celestia took a deep breath before willing her smile back onto her face. “Are those the only rules?”

Moon nodded. “Pretty much; the rest you’ll learn from the crew.” He brought them back into the crew’s quarters. “Now, make sure that ya ask me or one of the officers if ya have any questions.” He tapped his vest.

“There’s four ‘o us, and you’ll be able ta tell us apart from the rest of the crew by our vests an’ the special mark on ‘em.” They all eyed the hand-stitched little mark,--which almost looked like an eagle soaring--while he sat in front of them. “Now, before I get ya yer bedding and ya get the bags I’m sure ya brought from wherever ya got them hidden, do ya got any questions?”

“Actually, Mr. Moon, I have a few that I’d like to ask about your captain,” Celestia said, sitting in front of him.

The batpony looked up at her expectantly. “Go ahead, princess; I’ll answer whatever I can.”

The alicorn gave him a thankful smile before she looked away from him in embarrassment. “Along with the great things that I’ve heard about the man, there’s been more than a few… negative rumors about Mr. Strider that make me a little concerned.”

Moon frowned. “We’re not pirates, if that’s what yer worried about.”

Cadance looked positively betrayed. “Aw, really? By the way my Aunt’s were talking about him, I thought you guys were swashbuckling scallywags with a black flag and everything!”

He scoffed. “We’re respectable citizens thank ya very much.”

“…But your captain has a peg leg.”

“An’ ya need ta lose a limb ta be a captain?”

“….Where’s your booty?”

Moon looked like she’d just slapped his grandmother while Celestia added, “And I’ve heard that the Sky Hawk has participated in more than a few illegal smuggling operations…”

The batpony huffed. “Lies, all of it,” he spat. “We’re just a simple merchant vessel that ‘asn’t done a bucking—“

“What about all of those flags that I saw when he were in the storage room?” Celestia pointed out, Moon giving the mare a nervous grin. “I’m not sure that you have any allegiance to the deer empire… or the Gryphons… or the minotaurs.”

“It’s easier if we ‘ave a few flags lying around ta get past constables,” Moon explained while he looked around shiftily. “Ya see, it’s easier goin’ around them than stopping an’ letting them look through our stuff…”

“And what about the fact that your captain has the ire of three very powerful nations—“

“Just two,” Moon interrupted. “The minotaurs really don’t…ack” he snorted. “I’m come on, lets get ya back ta the crew’s quarters. I’ll get ya bucking bedding an’ then ya can ask somepony else all these bleedin’ questions.”

The princesses followed the grumbling batpony into the main living quarters when Luna, with a bored expression said, “I’m going to go look around,” she said, making her way toward the upper-deck door.

“Don’t get lost!” Celestia called, before a whistle rang out from where a group of ponies were laying.

“Look at ’em, lads!”

“That’s a lass that I’d ‘ave a lay with!”

“Those flanks!”

Cadance took it the best, the Princess of Love giggling quietly before she gave the group a playful wink. Sure she was married, but it was still nice to know that stallions still found her attractive, and a little playful flirting never hurt anypony. In fact, she was almost certain that her husband was flirting with some mare as she thought about him.

Not that there was anything wrong with that, she knew that Shining would never cheat on her, like he knew she’d never with him.

Celestia was a little more negative about it, the alicorn glaring at the group while they all looked away in terror as the big mare’s eyes glowed with power. She was thousands of years old, she was the Princess of the Sun, she ran a whole bucking country for goodness sakes! She deserved better than getting wolf-whistled from a group of undersexed stallions!

She was about to go over there and give them a thorough talking to about how one behaves themselves around mares, but she thought better of it. Strider had almost shot his sister because she was pounding on his door, she didn’t know what he would do if she started acting like a mother-hen.

Twilight, on the other hand, looked like she was ready to have a panic attack, the purple bookworm hiding behind a wing while her face exploded into a blush.

“I’m going to go… t-this way,” she stuttered, trotted toward a corner of the room while Moon returned with four rolled-up hammocks.

Cadance leaned toward her aunt. “Celestia, I’m going to go introduce myself to some of the crew,” she slowly started toward them. “We’re going to be here for a while; may as well get to know everypony.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “So I’m going to put these up by myself? Fantastic…”

Moon smiled uncertainly. “Ya ‘ave me, princess,” he said brightly. “An’ these aren’t that hard ta put up. I’ll even make sure that you’ll all be together.”

“Thank you, my little pony,” she said, though here was still a frown on her face. “But we’re going to have to get all of our bags before we do that. And we have quite a few of them.”

The first mate resisted the urge to groan. “ Of course ya do,” he muttered, throwing the hammocks to the ground. “Come on then, let’s go an’ get ‘em.”

@!~~~!@

While Twilight was usually a rational mare—really, she was—and she wasn’t usually the shy type, whenever she was hit on, she’d lose it. Sure, admittedly, it didn’t happen too much in Ponyville, but almost every time it’d be the same.

Her mouth would forget how to work, she wouldn’t be able look up at anyone, she’d have this extreme urge to go and find someplace to hide, and she’d blush. Like really, really blush. For a mare that was usually confident and collected, it irked her to feel this way.

She was a grown, beautiful—at least her mother said so—mare; she shouldn’t be blushing like a filly with a crush! In fact—

“Excuse me, could you please tell me why you’re in my office?”

Twilight blinked as she stopped in front of a pure white earth pony mare looking at her with a bored expression. “Oh, um hello,” Twilight said with an unsure smile, a little unnerved at the strange pony’s unblinking expression. “I’m sorry, I must’ve not been paying attention to where I was going.”

The earth pony grumbled. “Well, there’s a sign on my door and everything, so you shouldn’t--” She stopped when she saw Twilight’s wings. “Oh, you’re one of our new… passengers…” Her eyes flashing in interest, the mare slowly started to circle Twilight, confusing and slightly scaring her as she looked around to get her bearings.

It looked like she was in some sort of medical office, with charts, half-open drawers filled with medical equipment, posters, and even a little equine skeleton in the room’s corner. Looking to her left, she saw a little table that had various bottles of… things in them and a cauldron, which was boiling…something. The room itself was white, linoleum either glued or magicked onto the wall to give it that clean, sickly white, hospital-y atmosphere.

All in all the atmosphere, and the mare that was currently poking at her tail, was creeping her out a little more than she cared to admit.

“Well… it’s nice to meet you, ma’am... I’m Twilight Sparkle,” she said, trying to be friendly while the mare peered at her wings.

“Yes, you’re the new alicorn from Equestria,” the pony said quietly, something… off in those red eyes of hers. She stopped in front of her, offering Twilight a hoof. “You know, I’ve never seen an alicorn before. I’m medical officer Scalpel if you were wondering. I make sure that the crew are kept fit and disease-free.”

Twilight’s smile faded a bit as she shook the hoof. Sweet Celestia, it looks like she wants to cut me open… she thought, trying to back out of the half-room inconspicuously. “Well, it’s nice to m-meet you.” The mare pulled out a giant needle from a drawer, blowing on the tip while she looked at her. “R-really, it is, but I… have to be going now…”

Scalpel nodded, turning away from her. “I’m sure that Moon’s still getting you situated.” She trotted toward the cauldron, starting to stir the contents with a spoon. “Go on then, I have things to do.”

Twilight nodded jerkily. “A-Alright.”

“Oh, and if those colts give you any more trouble, just tell me.”

Twilight stopped in surprise, looking over her shoulder to see the slightly off mare looking at her with a little smile. “Mares on this ship need to stick together,” Scalpel added, setting her spoon down and picking up a notebook.

A confused Princess of Friendship smiled at the out-of-place kindness. “Um, thanks, Ms. Scalpel,” she said, in a better mood than she had been a few minutes ago.

“Don’t mention it princess. I know what it’s like being on a ship with a bunch of horny pirates. And would it be alright if I took some blood samples, maybe cut you open just a little bit?...”

“…What was that?”

“What was what?”

@#~~~#@

“I should apologize? What is sister thinking?” Luna muttered, mindlessly wandering the ship in a sour mood. “He’s the one that should be apologizing.”

Stopping, she noticed a small metal hatch in the corner of a hallwayI wonder where that goes, she mused, making her way toward the hatch and throwing it open and poking her head into the inky blackness of the mystery room.

“And what’s down here?” she said aloud, thinking it over for a second before she felt for a metal ladder, swung over, cast a light spell, and slowly started to climb down. “Maybe it’s where they keep their booty…”

She flinched as she hit the floor, a loud, dull metallic thud echoing off the walls. “Huh, it’s made of metal. I wonder—“

“An’ what do yer thing yer doing?” An echoing voice demanded in the dark. “Gods blood, and yer ‘earing the cap’s jacket… The ‘ells going on up deck?”

Luna froze, getting onto a semi-defensive stance. “Show yourself,” she growled. “I’m really not in the mood to humor a ghost in the dark.”

The voice chuckled dryly. “Callin’ me a ghost in the dark,” it said in amusement. “Tell me ta come out when she’s the one running ‘round my deck.” There was a tapping and what sounded like metal slapping together, which was followed by a grunt.

“Alright ‘en, but I can’t be playin’ with ya fer long; I got a turbine ta fix.” Luna blinked in confusion as a minotaur slowly made his way into her little barrier of light. “There, ya happy now?” the bull asked in irritation, tapping a pipe, which he was using as a cane, against the ground.

Luna looked the obviously aged bull up and down. He was covered in metal; gears and tools and wires, all of which looked like they had given him a bowed back after years and years of lugging them around. He had an odd helmet on his head, which gave off a distinct green light that shone even though her light spell. His black coat was greying, those a little puff of hair under his chin was as black as night. Deep green eyes were staring into hers as he played with his coat, which was covered in roughly made pockets that were filled with screws and nails and a few smaller tools.

“Um… yes, I apologize,” Luna said quietly, relaxing as the bull slowly hobbled toward her. “I didn’t mean to keep you from your work.”

He snorted. “It’s fine, lass,” he said, playing with his beard. “I’m happy fer the company; not many come to the underdeck.” When he came within arm’s length, he offered her a hand. “I’m Orion, an’ I take care of the ship’s thrusters.”

Luna smiled at him. “It is nice to meet you, Orion. I am Princess Luna” she said, giving him a little bow. “You can call me Luna. My fellow princesses and I were… welcomed onto your ship and I decided to take a look around.”

Orion chuckled. “Oh? Ol’ Strider’s got royalty on board? Well,” he gave her his own bow. “This mechanic is honored by yer presence.”

She inclined her head before looking around. “Forgive me, Mr. Orion, but you’re the only one down here?”

“That’s correct, lass, I work all by meself.”

Luna hummed, biting her lip. “I wouldn’t think that they’d let someone your…”

The bull stiffened, puffing out his chest. “Ya think I’m too old ta work do ya?!”

Luna’s eyes widened. “No I did—“

Turning around, he tapped his makeshift cane against the ground. “Oh? Ya don’t think an old bull like me can do it by meself? Well come on, I’ll show ya.” With that, he angrily hobbled back into the darkness, leaving Luna alone with her little light spell.

“An’ turn off that light! Can’t see a bloody thing here with that bright light shinin’!”

For a moment, the Luna Princess debated how much sense it was to go into the darkness with a strange person that he had just met, but then she just shrugged, cutting off her spell. It’s not like I have anything better to do, she thought, following the green light that the minotaur’s helmet was giving off.

“Wait for me, Mr. Orion!”

@~$$~@

Day fifteen,

We have made good time reaching Istanbull. The bulls, as usual, were a pissy lot, demanding that they look through the ship to see if I was carrying contraband! Sure, I had it, but just because it’s my ship doesn’t mean that I’m always doing illegal shit!

… I’m not even going to guess how much of my stock they took…

Pricks.

Celestia sighed, putting down the little journal and rubbing her sore eyes. “Another book filled with nonsense,” she muttered, resisting the urge to yawn.

Since the first mate had said that they were allowed full access of the ship, she decided to do the sensible thing and go back into the map room to see if she could find out anything. Unfortunately for her, the rumor that Skylords wrote down everything was true. Really true.

Under the mountains and mountains of scrolls were dozens of tomes, filled with everything from ship reports to ridiculous musings; unfortunately, none of those book had the information that she was looking for, namely human lore.

There used to be thousands of books about human history, sciences, and myths: myths of the Sky Lands that came from stories, theories, and even a mad man or two. Those were the books she wanted, but now those books were getting harder and harder to find.

The other nations, tired of the slightly confrontational, nomadic race, had decided that keeping their ‘crazy’ writings, which seemed to fill the heads of their youth with stories of adventure and magic and a life in the skies in the process, wasn’t a thing that they wanted, so many of humanity’s writings were either locked away or destroyed en masse.

While that didn’t stop the stories from getting out—the men and women of Equus were sailors by trade and they liked to talk— it still made it difficult to find those stories in written form.

She heard stories of the Sky Lands; the creatures supposedly carved out of stone and magic and were the size of cities, the alleged palaces of fire and ice where gods walked, mountains made of gold and diamonds and gems. She had heard that and more, some of the stories boarding on nonsense in the extreme, some too tame to be true for such a chaotic place.

But who better to get the real facts from than a captain whose entire race had spent thousands of years, built technological marvels that surpassed all but the most powerful magicks, and lost countless lives trying to get to the place.

“He has to have something,” she muttered, setting down the book and rummaging under a pile of scrolls. “A mention, a scrap of paper, a children’s book, anything!”

She groaned. “Why couldn’t he have at least set this place up with some semblance of order? Is it too much to ask for a little bit of cleanliness?!” In a fit of frustration, she slapped a map through the air and into a small mountain of maps, which caused an avalanche, sending maps and journals everywhere.

Celestia resisted the urge to scream. “You just need to calm down,” she told herself, sitting down and putting her head in her hooves. “You’re going to be on this ship for months; you’re going to have to be patient.”

She took a few deep, calming breaths before getting back up and making her way toward the mess that she had created. “Look on the bright side: at least you have the time to clean up this room so a pony can look for something without ripping her mane out.”

She levitated a bundle of maps in her magic. “Alright, let’s see what I can do here, maybe I could sort this out in—what do we have here?” Carefully putting what she was holding on the table, she gently picked up a small, seemingly normal journal.

Bringing it closer toward her face, she saw that it was so worn that the spine looked like it was about to fall apart, the front cover was torn in half, and it was covered in dust and grime and what even looked like… dried blood.

She could make out the barest of lettering on what was left of the cover:

SKY LA

Curious, she very, very carefully opened it and began to read.

Day 1,

They say that the Sky Lands are where my people end up after they die, that angels coming from those fire castles of theirs and bring back the souls of men, women, and children. Those that were considered ‘good’ would spend the rest of eternity in paradise, but the evil ones… weren’t so lucky.

I can still hear dad telling me about how the angels would drop me into the ‘hell’s gate’ if I was bad, and how I’d spend the rest of forever in agony and torment and a swirling mass of pain and torment… Piss on my old man…

She couldn’t read the next few paragraphs because they were either smudged or scribbled out.

--It would almost be funny to think of a giant tornado that surrounded the place as a ‘gate’, but, one way or another; we’re going to have to get through it…

“This is it,” Celestia muttered excitedly, carrying the journal toward the table and sitting down. “This is what I wanted…”

Day 8,

Thousands of hours of blood, sweat, and tears but I’ve finally done it. I have a crew, a new ship from Iron City, and now I have a map. It’s a big bloody thing, that map, pretty, but I don’t even want to write about what I went through to get the fucking thing…

As of now, our morale is high, we have all of the grub and whiskey that we can drink, I have enough money to resupply at any port, and I have one of the finest man-made ships in the sky.

I’m finally ready to find you dad…

Celestia had to smile. “I can’t even imagine Mr. Strider, a bright-eyed young man looking around for his father…” She flipped through the book a-ways.

Day 38,

I’m going to put my head through a door if I have to listen to the minotaur king one more time.

I KNOW how dangerous the Sky Lands are, I KNOW what might happen to us if weren’t not careful. You’d think he’d know a human would know about all of the tales…

At least his daughter is cute, and she’s a feisty one too; I swear if she was a man I’d ask her if she wanted to join my crew. At least she likes to dress like a wench; gives a guy the chance to look at all of her… assets…

She asked me to dinner this morning… I think that I’ll be going. I think if I play my card right she’ll scurry under the table and suck my—

Celestia hurriedly flipped through the little look, her eyes wide and a small blush on her face. “Didn’t need to know that,” she muttered, frowning when she saw more and more damaged or just plain torn out pages.

“Come on,” she pleaded. “Don’t give me hope and then take it away from me!”

She flipped through more pages, finding something legible after going two-thirds of a way through the journal.

Day, 162,

We did it! We made it past the hell’s gate!

The crew won’t stop cheering, and I decided to double their rum rations for the day; they did a great job and we all need to relax.

It’s not like they said it was in the story. In fact, it actually seems pretty boring, there’s just a bunch of islands that are floating in the air, some weird flying animals, not really anything worth talking about. I decided to anchor the ship right at the beginning of what looks to be a labyrinth of rocks, give the men a good night sleep before we start exploring.

I know you’re not among the living anymore, dad, but I promised that I was going to bury your bones in this fucking place, and that’s what I’m going to do.

The little book was about sixty pages long, but it looked like it was originally triple that size, so she wasn’t getting anything useful. Until she reached the last few pages that, is those last few pages looked like they had been written by a shaky hand; a shaky hand that was in a hurry.

Day ???????,

We never saw those cliffs coming. Not that it was our fault; no, we damned ourselves when we just laughed off the singing.

Gods, I can still hear them now, still see them waving to us, wanting us to join them to sing and dance and laugh. And die. The singing shielded them, made sure we didn’t know what they were until we let them on the ship like the idiots that we are.

And I let it all happen.

I killed all of those men, I destroyed the Storm Eagle because I didn’t listen to the stories. They came onto the ship and started attacking us and I JUST LET THEM ON THE FUCKING SHIP!

I don’t know how I made it off the ship and away from that explosion, or now I landed on some small island while two hundred of my men either fell to their deaths or died in fire, but I think the gods have something to do with it.

I understand now that this is my punishment: to die on some gods-forgotten floating rock without a pissing leg….

At least that explosion burned the stump…

I know I should be dead, but don’t worry, gods, I lost too much blood, and if thirst doesn’t kill me, this fucking leg will….

Taking a shaky breath, the princess forced herself to continue.

I know that no one’s going to read this little journal of mine, but if someone somehow makes their way through the hell’s gate, take a dead captain’s advice and turn around.

Trust me, there’s no palaces of gold or fountains of youth here. Just death; death and pain and a one-legged asshole that’ll soon be a skeleton because he thought he’d be good enough to survive this place.

I’m sorry, sorry for everything that happened to you, lads. I’m sorry that you’ll never see your families again because of a promise that I made as a child. I only hope that you’ll forgive me when I meet you in the afterlife.

Celestia was out the door before the book hit the table.

Later…

“So he was teaching you about the ship’s thrusters?” Twilight asked Luna, the mare barely stopping herself from drooling as she looked up at the dirty, sweaty, exhausted, but proud-looking princess, who was beaming down at her.

“Yep, Mr. Orion was a very astute teacher, and he somehow made all of that techno-babble entertaining to listen to,” Luna told her while they slowly rounded a corner. “I think I’ll go down there again and help him out; he’s an old bull and the strain might not be good for him.”

Twilight almost skipped in excitement as she let Cadance lead their little group back to their hammocks. “Do you think that maybe I could join you?” Twilight asked, peering hopefully up at her. “I always wanted to see a human-made engine in action!”

Cadance giggled quietly. “Well you two have fun; I really don’t see how running around on a dark, dirty room is fun but you two have at it.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Well, you can have fun being ogled by half of the ship’s stallions.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve made friends with the ship’s cabin colt,” she said with a huff, thought there was a smile on her face. “He’s the cutest little Pegasus and he’s going to show me the crow’s nest, thank you very much.”

Twilight was about to respond—a sly little thing about Cadance always having a way with kids and how that would help her when she finally popped one out—when Moon all but crashed into them.

“I need ya ta come ‘ere now!” the panicked bat pony said, looking back and forth while he danced in place. “The other princess ‘ell be in a heap o’ trouble when the cap wakes up.”

Luna, a slightly scared look on her face, lifted the first mate into the air and brought him muzzle-to-muzzle with her. “What. Happened. To. My. Sister?” she said dangerously, her eyes glowing white.

Moon froze. “S-She ran inta the c-caps room fer no reason, cryin’ ‘er eyes out.”

Luna dropped the stallion and looked at her fellow princesses, who were looking back at her in concern. All of them were asking themselves why Celestia would do something weird like that, why the usually sensible mare would go running into the proverbial sleeping bear’s cave; a bear with a horrible temper and pistols.

“We should go see what’s going on,” Twilight finally said, trying to sound calm and collected.

“The cap’s a heavy sleeper,” Moon said helpfully while he tried to get back to his hooves. “So he might still be asleep.”

Luna growled. “Just let me go and get the pistol out of my bag,” she said, trotting toward her hammock.

(~~~~>

For many, many years, Celestia had had to deal with her little ponies, protecting and loving and caring for them while she raised and lowered the sun. It was a task that she enjoyed—like any mother did—but it had its ups and downs.

One of the bigger downs for her was the fact that, about a hundred years ago, a few of her more… devout ponies had went and tried to start a religion.

With her at the helm.

With her at the helm where she was a supreme goddess that should rule over everything and everyone.

She tried to stamp it out as soon as it was formed, but it somehow lingered, spreading the word of her ‘godhood’ and how ‘majestic’ and ‘all-powerful’ she was, and boy was she tired of it.

Firstly: because it made her little ponies too distant with her, too cold, and she didn’t like that at all. Secondly: because it forced their already high standards of her that much higher.

No longer could she just go outside and just go to a nice little diner to get some cake, nor could she just walk out of the castle and have a nice conversation with a stallion and mare. And the bowinggods, she hated the bowing.

Was it too much to ask that someone just treat her like a regular mare?! A mare with feelings; feelings that overwhelmed her from time-to-time and made her do slightly crazy things. Like right now for instance.

Strider’s bed was almost as big as her’s was back at the castle, though it was made of straw, not from feathers. It was big, it was comfortable, and she had her hooves around the sleeping man’s waist while she quietly cried her eyes out.

He had lost so much, just trying to find his father, and here she was forcing him to go back to the place that had caused him so much pain. She had known that she had to stay strong during this journey, but what she had read cut her to the bone.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered, giving his chest a nuzzle. “I didn’t know, I didn’t know.”

Strider just snorted sleepily, trying to pull his blanket further up his body. To Celestia, it sounded like an angry retort; he had told her tidbits about what had happened to him, she should have guessed that it was worse than he had let on.

She knew what it was like to lose ponies; whether it was because of wars or adventures, she had sent ponies to their deaths. She knew how hard it was to deal with that, and the uncomfortable realization that she might be doing it again crept up on her.

She read the pain in his words, the hopeless realization of what he had done… Something that could happen again if this journey went south.

No, she thought furiously, protectively covering him with a wing. You will not go through the deaths of your crew again, captain, I will make sure of it! Every one of us will make it back alive.

Celestia didn’t look as the door flew open, nor did she look when she heard the rapid clopping of hooves making their way towards her.

“Sister,” someone that sounded awfully like Luna hissed. “What the hay are you bucking doing?”

She whimpered, looking over her shoulder to see her sister, pointing a gun the still somehow sleeping human, a look of confusion in her eyes. “L-Luna, h-he—“

She bit back a sob, and Luna, doing what any sister would do in her situation, put her gun down on the nightstand next to the bed, crawled up into the bed, wrapped her forelegs around her, and tried to calm the big alicorn down.

“Shush, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Luna whispered, while Celestia hugged Strider harder. “Just calm down and tell me what happened.”

The elder sibling just sobbed louder, while Cadance and Twilight rushed over to try to comfort her.

Hours later…

Strider woke up with a little snort, cracking open an eye and looking around his dark room. Rubbing his eyes, he muttered, “Bloody hell, how long was I out?”

After debating on whether or not to just to back to sleep, he sighed. May as well get up, he thought, trying to throw off his blanket. I should see how those buggering princesses are—

He froze when he heard a delicate little snore right by his ear. “Five more minutes,” someone muttered, forcing him back down onto the mattress with strong forelegs while he stiffened in shock. Whoever it was let out a sigh of contentment and snuggled against his side while the puzzled captain looked up at the ceiling.

Alright, there’s someone—He flinched when he heard more sleepy mutterings. –there’s many someones in my bed…. He groaned. “I’m gonna kill Moon!” he swore, pushing the pony-shaped creature off of him and rolling out of the bed with a grunt.

“I can’t sleep for a few hours, on my pissin’ ship, without some bullshit happenin’,” he growled, blindly putting on his leg and tiredly stumbling toward the candle that he kept on his counter. “Where’s that bloody tinder box…. I’m goin’ to find my hat and my pistol and I’m goin’ ta see who the—there it is.”

Practically snarling, Strider struck a match, lit the candle, found his hat, his pistol, put his hat on, checked to see if the gun was loaded, and turned around to see one of the most adorable things that he had ever seen.

Celestia’s usually organized mane was unruly and limp, and it formed a curtain over her face as she slowly rolled over, reaching forehooves out, grabbing her sister and pulling her against her chest. Her chest was slowly rising and falling as she muttered to herself, the whole appearance giving the big mare an almost peaceful quality.

Luna herself was snoring and kicking her hindlegs while she held a much smaller Twilight Sparkle, who in turn was also being held by a sleeping Cadance. It was a sight that would make even the most cynical, black-hearted monster break down and whisper, “Aw”.

Unfortunately for them, Strider was not a monster, he was far worse: a sky captain.

…How did they all fit on that side of that bed? he thought, frowning and lowering the pistol slightly. And didn’t I tell Moon to—

He narrowed his eyes as the princesses when he saw black spots covering Celestia snow-white coat. Frown deepening, he picked up his candle and walked over to the little cuddle pile, almost screaming in rage at what he saw. All four of the princesses, especially Luna, were covered in soot and axle grease, which was also now ruining his bed sheets.

Eye twitching, he quickly made his way out of the room and onto the deck, looking up at the night sky before roaring, “MOOON!”

Moon, who had thought that he had gotten lucky when he got the night duty—it was cooler, and prettier, when the sun wasn’t beating down on you—flinched and turned around to see his captain lumbering toward him, without a shirt, his hat barely on his head, and barely suppressed rage on his face.

“YOU HAD ONE FUCKIN’ JOB, MOON!” Strider snarled while the batpony retreated with that special brand of terror where you know you messed up and you know a swift and vicious punishment was coming your way.

“C-Cap,” he stuttered, debating whether or not he should just try to fly away and try to get to the ground where to could start his new life as a rock farmer. “We tried ta get them out of the room, but we didn’t want ta wake y—“

“I HAVE TWO BLOODY BEDSHEETS,” the human interrupted, picking him up by the neck and getting in his face with a growl. “TWO! DIDN’T YA SEE THAT THEY WERE FILTHY?!”

Moon tried to think of anything, anything, that would get him out if this. “N-no?” he said lamely, while Strider started hyperventilating.

Dropping the stallion, the captain started pacing around the deck. “They drug me, force me into going on a bloody journey, and now I can’t even sleep in peace?!”

His head in his hands, Strider sat down on the deck with a groan. “Moon,” he said, his voice muffled. “Why do the gods hate me?”

Seeing that his captain was down in the dumps, the batpony trotted over and patted the man’s back in what he hoped was a calming gesture. “I’m sure they’ll get better, cap,” he said, sitting down next to him. “Just give ‘em a few days, they’ll be like one of the crew before ya know it.”

Strider snorted, looking up at the moon. “Yeah, and my leg will be growin’ back any day now,” he said sarcastically, getting back to his feet. “Are there any pegasi on hand at the moment, Moon?”

Moon blinked, looking around the deck. “Thunder and Cloudkicker… why?”

The batpony didn’t like his captain’s smile as he slowly made his way back toward his room. “The princesses are dirty, Moon, along with my sheets. So, being the gentlemen I am, I’m gonna give our guests a little midnight shower.”

He smacked Moon on the back of the head, hard. “That’s for not watching ‘em. Now go get some clouds while I get those horses.”

Moon, rubbing his head, nodded. “Alright, Cap! Thunder, Cloud, get yer flanks over the ship and get some rainclouds!”

(~~~~~>

“Come to me, my love.”

Celestia stared up at a floating piece of cake, a dopey smile on her face as she flew up and wrapped her hooves around the chocolate delicacy. “Of course, Sweetie,” she purred, sneaking a quick kiss from the sugary treat.

For a brief second, the cake looked nervous. “My love, I must ask you: will you be my special somepony?”

Celestia gasped, her hooves flying to her mouth while tears started to form in her eyes. With a quivering lip, she said, “Of course; of course I’ll be your special somepony and—“

BOOM!

The alicorn woke with a shriek, right as cold, cold rainwater descended upon her, Twilight, Luna, and Cadance. “Cold, c-cold, sweet Faust’s flaming teats, COLD!”

She tried to trot away from the horrible water when she was smacked in the face with a bed sheet, knocking her off her hooves and into the rest of the princesses—all whom were at various levels of panic—everypony shrieking as an amused Strider and horrified Moon looked on.

“Serves ‘em right,” the captain said, turning around. “Moon, make sure they bathe when they calm down. You got the soap, right?”

The first mate nodded, looking up at Thunder and Cloud, both whom were still kicking the rainclouds. “Don’t ya think this is a little…” They both looked at the wiggling, screaming, sputtering pile of princesses. “…much? They’re being loud enough ta wake up the whole ship…”

“Don’t care,” Strider responded, walking toward the door that led below deck. “Now, make sure ya do your job this time while I go look at my map’s.”

“Should I bring ya yer rum?”

“Sweet Celestia why have you forsaken us?!”

“Don’t you bucking blame me, Twlight!”

“…Yes, Moon, bring me enough rum ta make the world go away.” Strider finally adjusted his hat. “Now, I got some work ta do.”

F%$K Constables

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There is something enchanting about being thousands of miles up in the air that both terrified and brought a smile to Cadance’s face as she looked out on the endless sky. Thirty thousand nine hundred and fifty-seven feet, that was how high the Sky Hawk was flying at that moment.

That simple number could never hold a candle to actually experiencing it; because that was what it was: an experience.

At thirty thousand nine hundred and fifty-seven feet, mountains looked like hills, their snow-covered tops glinting in the sunlight.

At that height the sun, an object that Cadance usually looked up at with a familiar warmth, was nothing less than harsh. Where it was once just a gentle, warming light source, almost two thousand feet up made it a massive, burning hazard that practically singed her coat while it tried its hardest to burn holes through her eyelids whenever she closed her eyes.

Now that she thought about it, almost everything up here was a wilder, more dangerous, version of what it was down on the ground.

The wind blew constantly and viciously, threatening anyone that grew too close to the edge of the ship with a risk of falling off.The air was dangerously thin, even for an alicorn like herself. Even the crew, ponies and gryphons and minotaurs that seemed like perfectly all right individuals, seemed intimidating and angry at this height.

It had made the pink alicorn just sit down and quietly ask herself why anypony, anyone would put themselves through this. That is, until she spent her first night up here.

She could still remember it—and would probably remember it until the day she died. They were drifting just above the clouds, making the ship look like it was sailing on top of them, when it seemed like the whole sky, the whole universe, just opened up.

Planets that she had only heard about from her studies in Canterlot University were just there on display. And the stars, oh the stars! Millions of them had been twinkling up there, bright and full and absolutely beautiful. It brought her to tears when she first saw it, and showed her just how small she was compared to the inky blackness that held everything.

Strider had laughed out loud when he saw her expression.

“You best close that mouth of yers, before something goes and flies into it,” he said mirthfully. “It’s not that grand of a sight; ya can’t even see Pluto tonight, that’s when the sky really shows ya things.”

He was right of course, and it was the reason the Princess of Love was laying in the crow’s nest with her newest little friend, a darling little pegasus colt named Skipper, in the middle of the day—under an umbrella of course—just so she could look down at the clouds, something that she couldn’t help but get a kick out of.

To her mild horror—she used to be a foalsitter after all—she had learned the hard way that Captain Strider, like most sky captains, was not above having barely grown children as crew members.

Not that the colt did anything that difficult, the captain had said when she had burst through his door demanding answers, he was just a cabin boy. It was his job to use watch, learn, and run errands for the captain. And the colt was as happy as could be with all of the work.

“I wanna be a captain just like cap’ Strider,” Skipper had told her, his little chest puffed out. “An’ I’m lucky as can be working on the Sky Hawk. I get paid; I get to see the world… I don’t have my mum hounding me all day every day.”

Skipper was a very talkative colt, so Cadance always got an earful whenever he was around, and since he was talking, she decided to ask some questions; questions that might help her and her fellow princesses with their stay on the ship or just for curiosities sake.

How did the ship’s thrusters keep it this high without contacting with the ground?

Why were there earth ponies and minotaurs on this ship?

What were the Sky Lands really?

Who was captain Strider, Skylord and human, really?

Surprisingly, Skipper knew a lot more than she thought he would for somepony his age.

They had to sail this height to stay in sight of the clouds—which they used as a water source—and the wind helped propel the ship through the air faster. Earth ponies and minotaurs were the heavy movers of the ship, pushing and lifting and carrying everything from crates to repairing parts for the ship.

But there were some things that he just couldn’t explain to her, be they too complex for the colt or he just didn’t know.

He really couldn’t explain the Sky Lands to her; in fact, other than the massive tornado that was said to surround the islands, no one except the captain really knew what was in there.

Now that she was thinking about the Captain—who was almost a puzzle wrapped in a riddle wrapped into a secret to the young alicorn—she couldn’t help but frown.

Even though he was perfectly civil—usually—he hadn’t really spoke to her or the other princesses if he could help it, almost like he was going out of his way to avoid them!

Not even his crew knew that much about him. He had been a captain longer than they had been alive, most of them had said—when she had asked—and he was human, which was all she was able to get out of them. And that did not make her very happy; she was a very social alicorn, and she couldn’t really understand why the captain kept himself such a mystery with everyone.

I think that somepony should try to change that, she thought to herself, a small smile on her face as she looked down at Skipper, who continued to talk about his mother. Being shut off from everypony isn’t healthy at all…

She resisted the urge to lean down and nuzzle the cabin boy. How the hay could his mother let something so sweet out of her sight for more than five seconds?

She was about to explain to him why his mother ‘hounded’ him so much whenever he was home when a bell rang out proudly, Cadance resisting the urge to groan while Skipper hopped to his feet and ruffling his feathers.

“Did you hear that, Mrs. Cadance?” he asked her while she also stood up, closing her umbrella and trying not to squint under the sun’s harsh glare.

“Yeah, Skipper, I heard it,” she answered emotionlessly. “The lunch bell, right?

With a hop, Skipper flew out of the crow’s nest and spread his wings, gently gliding down to the deck with the princess following, Cadance keeping a close eye on the colt so he wouldn’t accidently hurt himself.

“That’s right, Mrs. Cadance!” the colt gleefully said as he touched down and practically skipped toward the door that led under the deck. “And we’re having gruel again!’

Cadance resisted the urge to groan while she followed him into the ship’s cool underbelly. Again?! She thought exasperated.

Not that the gruel was bad… okay it was bad, but she was never going to tell the cook that; it also didn’t help that they had been eating it for the last four days. How the crew, or even her fellow princesses, were able to eat it with a smile on their faces was a mystery to her.

“When he gets to the gryphon’s capital I’m going to buy enough fruit and hay to last me a month,” she muttered to herself, quietly thanking Skipper as he opened the door for her.

Curiosity overcoming her for a second, she stopped and said, “Um, Skipper, could I ask you a question?”

The colt stopped and eagerly nodded. “Sure, whatcha need to know?”

“How can you eat gruel every day?”

Skipper chuckled quietly before brushing past her, leading her to the probably already crowded cafeteria. “Well, ma’am, if you work fifteen hours without a break, anything tastes great.”

Even though he didn’t mean it in an insulting way, Cadance still flinched slightly. Awkwardly chuckling, she said, “You all do work hard.” She noticed that Skipper’s chest puffed out slightly at the praise. “I’ve seen how you keep the clouds away from the thrusters.”

“Somepony needs to do it, Mrs. Cadance,” he said simply. “Everyone here does their part to make sure that the Sky Hawk stays in the air.”

Cadance didn’t comment on how she had flown right behind him to make sure that nothing bad was going to happen to him. Sure he had a crew of other gryphons and pegasi all watching him carefully, but when they told her that that was going to be Skipper’s first time doing that particular job, her instincts had kicked in; something that she was sure everyone was going to be thoroughly sick of by the time this journey was over.

Not that it mattered to her; she just wanted to try to keep Skipper from knowing that she was keeping an eye on him.

Cadance was pondering so ponderously that she didn’t notice Skipper stop suddenly , the colt looking toward the small room where Strider hadn’t set foot out of for days. “The Cap though? He’s the one that makes sure that we go where we need to go,” the pegasus’ grinned back at her. “Not a better navigator in all of the sky’s.”

I wonder if anypony’s brought him anything to eat? she thought, entering the loud kitchen. Skipper would’ve already done that this morning, right?... No, he was down at the bottom of the deck most of the day and then talking with me so I don’t think he’s talked to the Captain yet…

Like most ship kitchens, the Sky Hawk’s was too small for the size of its crew, the food smelled like the inside of a dirty sock, there weren’t enough tables and benches to sit at, and its ‘ chef’ was a very fat earth pony that went by the name of Tin Cup. An ironic name because everything the stallion made had this tinny taste to it.

Cadance winced as soon as she entered the cafeteria, half because of the horrid smell of a roomful of sweaty ponies, half because of the yelling that seemed to be coming from all over the tiny room. That was something else she was still getting used to, the tiny, cramped spaces.

She was used to huge, elegant spaces where thousands of ponies could fit with ease, and it was almost jarring now that she slept, ate, and walked around in tight, cramped spaces, with loud, and sometimes grabby, creatures, but she was slowly getting used to it. Though she still could do without the smell; everyone here was supposed to bathe at least twice a week, but it didn’t seem like it was enough. Sweet, sweet Faust, it wasn’t enough.

After waiting in line for her bowl of... food, she looked around, hoping to see Twilight, Celestia, or Luna in all of this madness. It took a bit of polite shoving, but thankfully she found them at a table in the corner of the room; a table that the crew had kindly reserved for them to eat at whenever they felt the need.

Pushing her way through the crowd, while all the muttering apologies, she finally made it to a bench, sitting down and smiling at her fellow princesses. “Hello, Luna, Twilight,” she yelled over the crowd with a half-smile.

Luna blinked and lifted her muzzle from her bowl. “Oh, hello, Cadance,” she said brightly before she smiled slyly. “How has your foalsitting been going?”

The Princess of Love rolled her eyes. “Har, har very funny,” she said sarcastically, looking over at Twilight and her small tower of papers. “I was just looking after Skipper for a little bit.” She sighed tiredly. “Most of the time I’ve been helping the crew with a few of the sails; they needed somepony to keep them in the air and I picked the short straw.”

Luna—covered in soot and grease, Cadance couldn’t help but notice—snorted, but didn’t say anything as Twilight, mumbling to herself, continued to write… whatever she was writing down with an almost fanatical devotion.

“What are you doing, Twilight?” she asked curiously, looking down at her gruel before carefully sticking her spoon in it. When she tried to scoop some of the food out of her bowl the spoon bent. Sweet Faust, what is this stuff made out of, cement?!

The bookworm looked up from her writing, bleary-eyed, and gave her a bright smile. “Oh, I’m just finishing up writing down the conversations that me and some of the crew members had.” Twilight’s smile grew to Pinkie-like proportions. “Did you know that almost half of the world’s sentient creatures are aboard this vessel?”

She started rubbing her hooves together while Luna and Cadance looked on. “Over twenty languages, cultures, along with the differing ideas…” Twilight was practically hopping in her seat now. “And I’ve only hit the—“

Eyes rolling, Luna shut Twilight’s mouth with a quick spell. “Please calm down, Twilight,” she said with mirth while she looked around. “Your little rambling’s attracting stares.”

The princesses looked around, Twilight flinching and turning red from embarrassment when almost half of the cafeteria’s occupants turned around and looked at their plates while whistling.

Cadance resisted the urge to laugh while she wrapped a wing over her step-sister. “So you’re learning everything that these salt sea dogs know?” She smiled down at her. “At least you're keeping yourself busy and—“

“Um, Mrs. Cadance, did you need something else to eat? Maybe I could get Cookie to make you something other than gruel,” a stallion, his hat in his hooves and a little blush on his face, asked, interrupting the pink alicorn.

Cadance gave him a little smile, which made him blush even harder, while Luna and Twilight looked at her in annoyance. For some reason, not known by any of the princesses but Cadance, the whole crew had, over the last few day and down to the man, fallen in love with the pink princess, many of them going out of their way to make sure that she didn’t want for anything.

She was thirsty? Someone would bring her a glass of water. She was getting too much sun? She’d find a cloud overhead, shielding her from the sun’s harsh glare.

It was something that Cadance found terribly amusing; almost as amusing as her fellow princesses reactions at the crew’s affections. While Celestia and Twilight just shook their head and chuckled at the stallions silliness, Luna seemed almost upset. It seemed like the Lunar princess had expected to be a pirate queen already, and since she was getting that and Cadance was getting pampered by the crew, Luna couldn’t stop herself from complaining.

Though, to be fair, she had a much easier job than Cadance, who had been elected to work with the day crew on the poop deck, so her angry mutterings were ignored my everypony.

Twilight frowned down at her food while Cadance tried to gently tell the pony that she was alright and he didn’t need to go out of his way to do anything for her, the pink mare looking back toward the door in worry. “I have a lot of notes, but there’s still a lot to learn,” she said distractedly, while Cadance’s gaze wandered toward the door.

“I heard one of the crew say that we’d be in the capital in a day or two!” Cadance wiggled in her seat excitedly. “It’s been so long since I’ve been there! I wonder if they still have that little bakery that I liked?”

You know, I should probably ask where aunt Celestia is, Cadance thought, looking toward her other aunt, who was somehow eating her gruel with a smile on her face. “Luna, do you know where Celestia is?”

Luna nodded, her face scrunched up in irritation. “Tia’s been with the captain since this morning,” she said, beginning to lick her bowl clean. “I don’t understand why she’s worrying so much; her looking at maps all day isn’t going to help anything.”

She nodded, looking at her food before pushing the bowl away in disgust. “I’m going to go and get those two something to eat,” she said, getting out of her seat. “You guys can eat… that if you want. “

Twilight and Luna looked at each other, then at the bowl, before Twilight smiled, her gaze going back down to her notes. “You can have it if you want, Luna,” she said kindly, while Luna licked her lips and pulled the bowl over.

“Thank you, Twilight.” The Lunar Princess ate a spoonful, licking the gruel’s residue off her lips. “I don’t know why, but there is just… something to this food.”

“Maybe it’s the rotten potatoes.” Twilight spared a glance at the grey substance. “It might make some chemical change to the food that makes it tasty to you.”

“Maybe it is,” Luna agreed, looking at the greyish food thoughtfully before taking another greedy bite.

<~~~~)

Celestia had been having a rough few days. Her hammock was too uncomfortable for somepony her size, the rocking of ship had made her horribly sick for the last few days, and Strider was just sitting in his room full of maps, muttering to himself and ignoring her while she tried to talk to him!

The captain himself was trying his hardest to drink through a month’s worth of rum rations, bottles littering the table and floor and the mild reek of the spicy liquor making Celestia crinkle her nose. Though he reeked of rum, he seemed shockingly sober, looking through journals and maps while he wrote down notes on his findings.

“Captain,” she said, for what felt like the thousandth time. “Could you please explain to me how we’re going to get past the outlying area of the Sky Lands?”

Strider, muttering to himself, a quill, a jar of ink, and stacks of papers by his side, ignored her while he used two fingers to measure the distance between two islands. “Five hundred miles,” he muttered, his hand reaching for a quill. “That’ll take us two days to get through…”

Celestia watched with a huff as his hand crawled around the table, until, with a spell, she levitated it over to him. “You know, if you don’t want me in here, all you have to do is tell me to leave,” she said in irritation, too tired to keep the impatience out of her voice.

“I’m been trying to apologize to you since this morning, for breaking into your bedroom the other—“

“And throwing up all over about ten of my crewmembers,” Strider interrupted, grabbing some device that Celestia couldn’t name and toying with it.

Celestia winced. “—And throwing up on your crewmates.” She looked away from him. “And for reading some of your more… personal writings.”

The captain gave her an emotionless shrug, tapping said journal, which was an arm’s length away, with a hand. “I told ya that I’ve made my peace with that years ago,” he said dismissively. “I said ya had free reign of the ship; I almost expected that you’d find something like that eventually.”

The alicorn looked back over at him. “But I still feel sorry for it; if not for your benefit than for mine.”

Strider scribbled something on a piece of paper. “Whatever helps ya sleep at night princess.”

Now smiling, Celestia took a step toward him, straining on her tippy-hooves to look over his shoulder. “I’m glad that the two of us could clear the waters,”she said with a smile. “Now could you please tell me—“

“No.”

Celestia’s smile turned into a frown. “Captain, please—“

Still not looking up from the map, Strider said, “You’re the one that came in here this morning, trying to keep me from my work.” He wrote something down while she squeaked in outrage. “And that’s not helping no one. Nor will me tellin’ me ya how we’re getting through the hell’s gate, so I’m not gonna.”

“I just wanted to see how much headway we are making!”

The captain pulled a jug out from a bundle of papers, spitting out the cork before taking a gulp of its contents. “Like I told ya before, we’re not making any yet.” He opened a book, reading through it quickly before drawing something on another piece of paper. “We’re going to restock before we go up north.”

After a minute of silence from the two, he added,” Oh, and ya can leave if yer done spillin’ yer heart out ta me.” He waved a hand toward the door. “Go play with my crew or yer princesses or something. I still ‘ave work to do.”

Celestia resisted the urge to facehoof, grumbling to herself before she shoved the man away from his maps. “Captain, please,” she said, while he narrowed his eyes at her in irritation. “Please, I want to help, or at least be kept in the loop, could you—“

The two turned to the door as Cadance burst through it, the pink alicorn walking through with a smile on her face and two bowls of gruel floating around her head. “Hello, Mr. Strider, Princess.” She passed them their food. “I brought you both something to eat.”

Even though she was still a little upset, she gave her niece a thankful smile. “Thank you, Cadance.” Her stomach growled suddenly, making her look down at it with a sheepish smile. “...It seems that your kindness has reminded me how famished I am.”

She glared at Strider, who was still looking down at his maps and his notes, his gruel lying on the table, already forgotten. “I’m sure the captain here would thank you too, but right now all he’s doing is writing and drinking… rum.”

While Cadance didn’t know why the princess had all but spat out the last word, she trotted over toward the tables anyway, simple curiosity all but forcing her to stand over the captain’s other shoulder, trying to see what he had written down.

“What are you doing, Mr. Strider?” She asked straining to see what he was writing.

The man grunted, picking her up by the scruff of her neck—a feat of strength even for a human—and placing her on a stool beside him. “I’m navigatin’,” he responded, placing his quill down and picking up his gruel and tearing into it.

He let Cadance idly paw at the notes, a small smile on her face as she read. “Oh? I thought you’d already been to the Gryphon capital.”

He swallowed his mouthful of food before answering, “Two trips through the air’s never the same, Ms. Cadenza. The clouds, the winds, anything and everything needs to be looked at;, just in case.”

Cadance nodded, looking through some of the old books that he had been looking through. “And that’s why you’ve been down here?” she questioned, looking over at the single candle that barely lit the room. How can he even see right now? She thought.

The captain nodded while Celestia frowned. “What’s with the sudden chattiness, Mr. Strider? I’ve been asking you questions for hours and you’ve been ignoring me.”

Even though he didn’t particularly like her tone, he grunted, “All you’ve been doin’ is sitting next ta me, being a crybaby, an’ that’s why I’ve been ignoring ya.” He turned toward her, an eyebrow raised. “I’m sure you’ve have other reasons fer something down here.” Not looking away from her, he reached down for his bottle of rum. “I bet you’re just here ta get out of yer bloody sun.” He smiled. “Can’t blame ya, it is cool in here.”

Celestia stiffened, a scowl on her face. “I would never bother you just because I think it’s a little too hot,” she spat, her chest puffing out slightly. “And my sun isn’t hot to me, thank you very much!”

“Lucky you,” Cadance muttered, grinning sheepishly when her aunt gave her a glare that could peel paint.

“Or maybe ya just want by company?” He grinned as the alicorn gawked at the accusation. “I’m sure I ‘ave a bottle of brandy around here. We could snuggle by the candlelight, tell each other stories…“

…You know, that’s not that bad of an idea… I bet I could find somepony in a pinch…. Cadance thought, eyeing Strider carefully while Celestia blushed, her eyes bugging out in surprise while she sputtered. “I would n-never, I was just trying to—“

Cadance looked back down at the papers, reading a few paragraphs before frowning. Cleared her throat, she said. “Mr. Strider?”

“Yes, Mrs. Cadenza?”

“Why do you have to flip the ship upside down?”

Celestia’s eyes widened, her embarrassment forgotten, before she used a spell to tear away the journal from her niece’s grasp. “What?!”

Strider took a calm sip of his rum, looking at Cadance. “Mrs. Cadenza, do ya by chance know anything about the Sky Lands?”

She nodded nodded hesitantly. “I’ve read up a little on the subject when my aunt came to me and told me that we had to go on this journey,” she admitted, her gaze going to the map on the table. “Most of what I was able to look up was either myth or…”

“Nonsense?” Strider supplied.

The mare nodded while Celestia continued to read. “Yes, nonsense,” she said, leaning toward the table. “What some ponies wrote about that place…”

“It wasn’t ponies that wrote those stories,” the captain said, putting his empty bowl on the table. “It was my kind, and most of those tellings aren’t ‘stories’.”

Cadance paled. “Does that mean the tornado that surrounds the islands is real?”

Strider nodded, getting out of his chair and stretching, grunting as bones popped. “Yep, and it’s why we have to go upside down. That’ll keep those winds from smashing the ship into pieces.” Gently taking the paper out of Celestia’s magic, he sat back down, looking at the map. “We gotta see the ground to get past the hell gate.”

“…And how does that work?”

He laughed before grabbing his rum. “No idea, but it got me through just fine the first time.”

“And you’re sure that it’s safe?” Celestia asked, sitting beside him.

“Lass, we’re goin’ to a place so dangerous that we’ll be goin’ through pirate infested skies, five different countries whose rulers hate my guts, and over a frozen tundra where one bad storm could kill us all.” Strider took another drink.

“And if we don’t die from any o’ that, and we get through the bloody tornado, we ‘ave to go through a place I called the shark lands.” He pulled out an old, hand-drawn sketch of what looked like a shark hewn from rock.

“Those pissin’ things are bigger than this ship, made completely out of stone, but act, think, and kill the same ways as breathin’ sharks!” Celestia and Cadance looked at each other while the captain continued to work himself up. “An’, if we fuckin’ get past them, we’ll ‘ave to get through a chain of islands that house a tribe of sky-sirens!”

Working up her courage, Celestia asked, “And what’s after that?”

Strider shrugged. “Don’t know, I didn’t get past the sirens. It could be—“

The three watched turned toward the door as it burst open, a panicked Moon looking at the three for a moment before he said,” Cap, Skipper spied a ship coming toward us from the portside!”

Strider rose from his seat, his hands going to his pockets as he brushed past the stallion. “What colors are they—no,” he said as Celestia and Cadance rose to follow him. “You two stay here.”

“But we can help you!” Celestia protested, trying to move past him.

He snorted, crossing his arms. “And how are ya gonna do that?” he asked. “And do ya even know if something’s gonna turn bad?” He gently pushed the big mare back into the room. “For all we know, it could just be a commercial vessel.”

“But there’s no way you're sober enough to deal with this on your own!”

“Ha, I’m more sober than ya are, lass,” he said, almost falling on his face when he took a step forward, getting quiet laughs from Cadance and Moon.

Frowning, the captain slapped Moon on the back of the head. “’An’ you, what the hell do ya think yer doing, hopping in here like yer pants are on fire?”

Moon grinned sheepishly while he rubbed the back of his head with a hoof. “…Sorry Cap…”

Strider grunted again. “Keep those two ‘ere like I told ya to do before,” he said. “Don’t want everyone seein’ princesses on my ship.” He was about to close the door before he opened it, pointing at the princesses. “Sit. Stay. Don’t you bloody move until I get back here.”

As he closed the door, the three heard him quietly mutter, “Bloody ponies.”

Moon waited until the human was out of sight before sighing and turning around. “Alright, lasses, we’ll stay here and I’ll get—“

Pop!

Moon and Celestia watched as Cadance blinked out of the room, Moon blinking before sitting on his rump and putting his head in his hooves. “Dammit, the cap’s gonna kill me,” he moaned, sobbing after Celestia calmly walked over and wrapped the poor batpony in a hug.

<~~~~)

After getting his hat, his pistols, and his sword, Strider quickly made his way up to the deck to see chaos. His crew were running around, shouting while they carried around charges and cannonballs. He couldn’t help but groan while he covered his face with a hand.

Every bloody time… he thought, before whistling loudly. “Oi! The bloody hell you lot hoppin’ around for?”

They all stopped what they were doing to look at him, before an earth pony said, “Cap, there’s—“

“I see the bloody ship, you morons,” he spat, walking to a rail to get a good look at the small ship. “I want half of ya ta be ready at the guns, just in case, but the rest of ya get the hell back to work!”

He turned back toward the ship while his crew, yelling their yes sir’s, scurried to carry out his orders. “I need ta get a better crew,” the captain muttered, not noticing the alicorn that was sneaking up on him. “Or at least I need ta get a few of them that aren’t so pissin’ stupid…”

“So are they pirates, Mr. Strider?”

Strider jumped in surprise, turning and glaring at a smiling Cadance, who had her head cocked to the side in confusion when he saw his angry expression. “…What?”

“What the hell are ya doin’ up here when I told ya ta stay under the deck!” He said, giving her a little push. “Are ya bloody deaf? I don’t want anyone ta know that I’m lugging you bloody ponies around!”

The mare looked up at him with a slight frown. “I understand your concern,“ she said calmly, with an excited sparkle in her eye, “but I wanted to see pirates before this journey ends.” She pointed at the ship. “I want to see what a sky pirate ship and crew look like, and in my professional opinion, that looks like a pirate ship.”

The princess looked up at him expectantly while he tried to process what she had just told him. Never in all of my years as a captain have I heard something so stupid, he thought, a vein slowly starting to bulge in his forehead.

Nevermind that she didn’t know how horrible it would be if they actually saw a pirate ship, and he could have told her that that wasn’t a man-of-war—the preferred vessel of any sky pirate worth his salt—just a little scouting ship. No, where the alicorn messed up, like really messed up, was when she started running around on deck like a moron.

He knew who the owner of this particular ship was and how much of a blabbermouth he happened to be. I should just shoot her, he thought, suddenly feeling exhausted. EVERY single person in the bloody world’s gonna know that I have princesses on my ship!

As Cadance peered over the railing to look at the ship, a happy smile on her face, she didn’t notice a calculating look sweep across Strider’s face while one of his hands slowly went down toward his pistol.

The only thing that saved the Princess of Love from a certain death—or at least a nasty whack on the head with the back of the captain’s pistol—was a single shot that rang through the air, Cadance and Strider looking at the mysterious ship before the captain looked toward her.

“Cadenza,” he said. “Cover your ears.” Cadance was about to ask him what he meant by that when the human, eyes glued on the ship, pulled out his pistol, aimed it upward, and fired.

Cadance yelped, her ears ringing as Strider put the gun away and said something to one of his crew. “WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?” she yelled.

Strider looked down at her “I told ya ta to cover your ears,” he said, putting the pistol away.

The pink alicorn’s eyes narrowed. “WHAT?”

Strider started to rub his temples. “Ya can’t hear me, can ya?”

“WHAT?”

Rolling his eyes, he squatted down and started to rub behind her ears. “Just give it a moment, you’ll be fine…. Ya pissin’ moron.” The mare leaned forward slightly, a small smile on her face as he tried to rub the ringing out of her ears.

He shook his head, standing up a minute later. “There, can ya hear me now?”

Cadance nodded, rubbing her ear with a hoof. “You could have warned me that you were going to just start shooting!”

He didn’t even bother telling her that he, in fact, had done just that. “Well, ya should have been under the deck,” he smartly replied, making his way over to a dinghy and climbing in it. “I’m gonna go see what their captain wants.”

“Can I go?” the mare asked with a little grin, hopping slightly in place.

“No, ya can’t,” Strider instantly answered, looking down at her with a grown while she looked up at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Pwease?”

While her looks could have been considered a weapon in some countries—and they happened to be in Gryphon Empire—the captain just turned away from her, hopping in the dinghy and starting the engine. “No,” he repeated, revving the engine before taking off through the sky, leaving Cadance squeaking in outrage.

“That’ll learn her,” he muttered, frowning when he saw a dinghy flying toward him in the distance. “Now, let’s hope that this isn’t who I think it i—“

Pop!

Before Cadance fully materialized in the little ship, Strider’s sword was at her throat, the alicorn stiffening when she felt the cold steel on her neck while the human glared down at her. “H-hi!” she said, not daring to move, lest she ‘accidently’ lose her head.

“You know, the whole you not listening ta me thing is starting to get real old, horse,” Strider spat, slapping her cheek with the flat of his sword before putting it away.

“I-I’m sorry,” Cadance mumbled, looking at the dinghy’s floor. “I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help and—“

“Now don’t you try an’ make me feel bad,” the captain interrupted, stopping the ship and clamping her mouth shut. “You’re not bleedin’ sorry; you know it, I know it, so I’m gonna let ya get it out of your system.” He pointed at the dinghy. “I’ll let ya stay here and gawk at that pissin’ constable all ya want an’ then ya won’t have to do anythin’ like this again, ya understand?”

Cadance nodded with a smile, though she saw still slightly disappointed that she wasn’t actually going to see a pirate captain. “Thank you, Mr. Strider,” she said quietly, looking past him and at the oncoming dinghy. “Now, who the hay are we meeting?”

She was so enraptured at the sight of the quickly moving dinghy she didn’t notice Strider frowning. “If I recognize that ship, we’re about ta meet a constable of Talonia.” His frown deepened. “Ah grubby, thieving bastard named Alain.”

Cadance cocked her head as the outline of a gryphon-shaped creature blurred into reality on the tiny little ship. “Aw, he can’t be that bad,” she said with a quiet giggle. “I remember last time my aunt’s and I were in Talonia. Everypony there was so sweet.”

Strider chuckled, his arms crossing. “I’m sure a pissin’ princess would see the city like that,” he muttered in mirth, “but ta a normal everyday captain, the city isn’t the high-ridge quarters.”

“We weren’t just there the whole time,” Cadance defended with a frown. “The Empress took us down into—“

“Oh, if it isn’t my favorite monkey!”

Cadance squeaked in surprise as the dinghy rocked violently, almost throwing her out of the boat. “What the heck happened—“ A voice cleared its throat, the alicorn taking a few moments to steady herself before looking up at Strider, who was glaring at something to their left.

“Alain,” he growled, fingering his pistol. “I’m sure ya saw that I had someone else on the boat, ya poor excuse for a bird.” Cadance followed his gaze toward a sharply dressed gryphon—who looked like he was ready to go to a gala—who gasped in shock.

“Oh, it appears that you are correct, Mr. Strider!” the hawk said dramatically, with only the barest hint of an accent, while he swooned in his boat. “In my haste to greet an old friend—“

Strider cocked his gun. “You’re no friend of mine, bird,” he spat. “Now say what ya have ta say so I can get to her pissin’—“

Alain tsked the man, waving a single claw in his direction while he eyed Cadance. “Where are your manners, my friend?” he asked in amusement before bowing to the alicorn. “Though it doesn’t surprise me that an uncultured human like you wouldn’t know how to act around a lady,” the gryphon’s eyes sparkled as he looked up at Cadance.

“It is my greatest honor to meet you, my fair lady,” he said, taking the hoof a giggling Cadance gave him and kissing it. “I am Alain de Augustin: second to my name and second in line to the Augustin estate.” Standing back to his full height he waved a claw around dismissively. “I also happen to be a chief constable for my fair city of Talonia, but I do not wish to bore you with such trifle things, Mrs…”

The gryphon’s claw snaked back to his side when the flat of a blade slapped against it, Cadance glaring up at the now sword wielding Strider. “Ya know who she is, Alain,” Strider said, ignoring the princess’ angry look. “And ya keep yer bloody claws to yourself; can’t imagine where they’ve been.”

Cadance stomped her hoof. “Strider, why are you being so hostile?” she demanded, poking his chest with her snout. “Mr. Alain here has been nothing but a—“

“It is alright, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” Alain said, adjusting his blue petticoat before his claw rested on a pistol at his side. “I am used to Strider’s… mistrust.”

“The last time I even thought about trusting you I woke up naked as a deer’s sex-slave,” Strider said without missing a beat, a scowl still on his face. “Now quiet beatin’ around the bush like ya always do and tell me what ya want… And quit giving me that look, Cadenza, ya don’t know this bird like I do.”

Alain tsked again. “If you insist, Captain.” he said with a wave of the claw. “I’m sure you know that you’re in the air space of the Gryphon Empire.”

Strider put his sword away with a grunt, though his hand didn’t leave the pommel. “Of course I know.”

“And you’re about a day and a half’s ride from the jewel of the world.”

“If ya call yer pisshole of a city a jewel then yes.” Now smiling hugely, the bird pulled out a document from inside his jacket and opened it with so much flourish that even Cadance was rolling her eyes.

“Then, my friend, it is my greatest honor to inform you that it is my duty as a constable to investigate your vessel for any contraband, illegal substances—“

“Isn’t that the same thing?” Cadance asked, cocking her head to the side.

Alain gave her another wave of his claw. “There’s illegal things and then there are illegal things. Slaves, drugs, weapons—“

“None of which I have,” Strider said while Cadance gasped in shock. “An’ ya ain’t stepping a claw on my ship.” He nudged a thumb toward the Sky Hawk. “AND if ya have ‘ave a problem with that, I have a few twenty pounders with your name on ‘em.”

He leaned over and shut the bird’s mouth shut before he could protest. “Ya can ‘escort’ us to the capital if ya want, and ya can watch while a real constable looks over my ship, but other than that ya can piss off.”

Alain wrenched his beak away from the captain’s hand, a scowl on his face. “I must protest, Strider, you know I can’t—“

Strider pointed at Cadance. “I’m giving the royalty of Equestria passage ta Talonia so they can see yer Empress,” he lied, nudging Cadance when the mare tried to say anything. “I’m sure that the empress wouldn’t like ta hear that ya were harassing us for no good bleedin’ reason, would she?”

Cadance watched as the gryphon visibly paled, looking away from them before clearing his throat. “Um, of course not!” He bowed to Cadance again. “As a faithful servant to our lady, it would be my duty to see you to our fair city.”

He gave Cadance a smile she didn’t like. “And if the lady would be kind and tell the empress who went out of his way to help her in her time of need?...”

Getting another shove from Strider, Cadance nodded with a fake smile. “Of course, Mr. Alain,” she said, giving his head a little awkward pat. “I’ll be sure to tell Empress Lai what a dear you’ve been.”

Strider nodded, taking a step back and revving the dinghy’s engine. “Alright, now that we’ve got this nonsense out of the way, I’m gonna take Ms. Cadenza here back to my ship. She’s got… princess-y things ta do before she meets the empress.”

Without another word, Strider kicked Alain’s dinghy away from his before launching the ship forward, Cadance biting back a shriek as she was forced back from the sheer g-force. “Strider,” she yelled, not realizing that she was holding tightly onto his leg. “Slow down!”

“I can’t, Cadenza,” Strider yelled over the wind, a firm grip on his hat as quickly spun the dinghy around and toward the Sky Hawk. “We have ta make sure that we get to the ship before that bird does.”

“…Why?”

Strider snuck a peek over his shoulder. “Cause I really don’t want ta be shot out of the air if I can help it.”

Cadance looked up at him on confusion. “Why would you—“ she was once again almost thrown overboard when their dinghy screeched to a halt, Strider tossing her onto the deck of the Sky Hawk before securing the little boat and hopping onto the ship himself.

“Lads, we got that bloody constable taking escorting us to Talonia!” he yelled, stomping toward the door that lead to under the ship. “I want a guard set up here and a double guard set on our stores, I don’t want any of his crew members coming onto the ship and stealing our rum!”

He looked down at Cadance with a smirk. “An’ Celestia said I was too bleedin’ drunk ta do anything! I could’ve talked ta the empress ‘erself and that bitch wouldn’t ‘ave known that I’d been drinking; isn’t that right, Mrs. Cadenza?”

Not waiting for an answer, he threw open the door and made his way down the steps, Cadance quickly following him.

“Mr. Strider, is everything going to be alright?” she asked, worry worming its way into her while she watched the captain patting his pockets.

He nodded, looking around like he expected something to jump out of the shadows and attack him. “Since he saw ya he shouldn’t be as bad as he usually is, but it don’t hurt anything to make sure he don’t try anything.”

He’s not gonna get his thieving claws on any of my shit this time; fuckin’ constable, Strider silently added to himself, making his way to the map room and throwing open the door. Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, seeing the captain and Cadance, quickly rose from where they were sitting and trotted toward him.

“Is everything alright, captain?” Celestia asked, trying to keep up a calm front while the captain brushed past her and stood over Moon.

“Moon, go back on deck and make sure that they have those cannons pointed on the ship that’s on our starboard bow.”

Moon frowned. “Is it Alain cap?”

Strider answered him with a hard smack on the head. “That’s for not doing your job keepin’ Cadenza under the deck,” he said as Moon rubbed the back of his head.” And yes, it’s Alain.”

The princesses looked at each other, Strider ignoring them and walking toward the table. Grabbing the bottle of rum that was still half-full, he popped the cork, spat it on the ground, and took a swig. “Well, our day got a whole lot more interestin’,” he muttered, leaning back into his chair.

Luna took a step toward him, a scowl on her face as she gave his stomach a hard poke. “Captain, are we going to be attacked or not?”

Strider waved them away with a hand. “Don’t get yer knickers in a bunch, no one’s shooting at anyone today. We’re just being escorted to Talonia by one of the biggest bastards that I ‘ave the displeasure of knowin’.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Should we be worried?”

Strider just ignored her, humming to himself before grabbing his pen and reopening his maps. “Oh, and before I forget, you all stay under the deck,” he muttered, writing something on a piece of paper.

“The bird knows that you’re on here but that don’t mean he needs to know where you are on my bleedin’ ship.”

“WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!?!?!” Celestia, fed up and slightly scared, roared, so loudly that the entire ship shook.

Celestia’s shout carried all of the weight of authority of someone who had ruled her people well for a very, very long time. In it was a tone that could not be taken lightly by any sane, rational person. Luckily for Strider, who was, to everyone but himself, drunk out of his mind, all the yell made him do was snort.

“No,” he simply said, calmly getting up and leaving the room while the princesses gawked. “Pissin’ horses, tryin’ ta tell me what ta do.”

Shanghaied by Ponies ?!?!?!

by little big pony

Never. Trust. Alicorns.

Let Sleeping Captains Lie

F%$K Constables