A Recipe for Disaster
"Everything is ruined!" Pinkie Pie wailed in the kitchen at five-o-clock in the morning, looking at the doughy mess in front of her. The flat, unleavened, doughy mess. The mess that failed to rise. She looked at the jar of yeast in her hoof. "Always remember to check the expiration date on the yeast, Pinkie Pie! Always remember! This yeast is dead! Deader than dead! It's the deadest yeast that's ever died!" Bitter tears flowed. "And that's the yeast of my problems! Tee-hee, oh, Pinkie, even when you're staring disaster in the face, you still got it!"
She stopped chuckling though when she realized that in three hours the shop was going to open with no pink yogurt-covered pretzels to sell, and that Mr. Vanderhoof was going to come through the door as he did every day at eight-o-clock in the morning and he would want to buy a bag of pink yogurt-covered pretzels and there would BE NO PRETZELS! If it wasn't the worst possible thing, surely Mr. Vanderhoof's profound disappointment would be one of the top ten worst possible things, somewhere between a cake falling and all of Equestria exploding. I won't have time to make the dough again! I have to do SOMETHING!
She thought deeply for a moment, and then the solution presented itself: I'll ask Twilight for help! Off she galloped, under the moonlight, to the Fortress of Friendship.
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BANG! BANG! BANG!
Princess Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship and nominal ruler of Ponyville sat up blearily in her bed. I really HAVE to get some guards. "SPIKE!"
A grunt sounded from the next room and momentarily a bedraggled purple dragon staggered to her door. "Huh? What?"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Spike yawned. "Sounds like you have a visitor, Twilight." He blinked as she glared at him. "Oh! Yeah, sorry!" He turned and went down the hall, Twilight hearing the clickety-clack of his claws on the floor. What is the floor made of anyway, polished, solidified friendship? I haven't been able to figure this place out but it definitely needs some carpets. There was a click as the door unlatched, followed by a sharp concussion, the howl of a wounded, or at least mistreated dragon and a pink blur which materialized on her stomach, knocking the wind out of her.
Pinkie's highly agitated face filled her field of view. "Omigosh Twilight something awful has happened at Sugarcube Corner and you have to come it's like not the worst possible thing but its definitely in my top ten of worst possible things somewhere between a cake falling and all of Equestria exploding and you gotta come help because only you will be able to fix this and we need to hurry thanks see you there!" Then she was gone in a pink puff of panic.
Twilight shared at the empty space Pinkie had occupied only a second before, trying to get her wind back. Somewhere between a cake falling and all of Equestria exploding? That leaves a considerable range of possibilities. Oh well, there's no sleeping in today, it would seem. She dragged herself out of bed, annoyed by the clicking. I better get Rarity in here to do some decorating. I miss my library...except that secret lab downstairs is really something! I don't even know what half of those devices do! I'm surprised such advanced technology comes standard with Princess Fortresses, but I suppose Rank Has Its Privileges!
She went down the stairs towards the entranceway where she saw Spike dusting himself off. "Sorry Twilight, I couldn't stop her. Maybe we should install a peephole in the door."
"That's OK, Spike. She'd probably be able to fit through a peephole anyway, if she thought it was important enough. Besides, this may well be serious, or at least interesting. You never know with Pinkie. Let's go." Twilight levitated Spike onto her back and took off into the night. After a minute she could see the lights from Sugarcube Corner and banked, coming in for a landing right in front of the door. Spike hopped off and opened the door for her, following Twilight in.
In the kitchen, Pinkie was sobbing disconsolately. Tears gushed as she sat on the floor, a bowl at her feet and flour spread liberally about. "Dead, dead, they're all dead! I was too late!"
Twilight galloped up to her, the blood draining from her face as Spike gasped in horror. "Dead? Who's dead? What happened? Are the Cakes alright?"
"The yeast Twilight! The yeast is all dead, and my dough won't rise!" She held the bowl up for the princess' inspection.
"Pinkie! You scared the hay out of me! Don't ever do that again, please! Is THIS the worst possible thing somewhere between a cake falling and all of Equestria exploding?" Pinkie nodded, tears sopping the floor. Twilight groaned. Then she stopped herself from speaking her mind and thought about her lessons in friendship, particularly that time when she was so frightened that she wouldn't have a weekly letter for Princess Celestia that she had a nervous breakdown and all of her friends just blew it off. That almost ended very badly indeed.
With all the patience she could muster, Twilight calmed herself and spoke. "Alright Pinkie, I know this is important to you. Do you need me to help you with a new batch of dough?" Pinkie gulped air and shook her head.
"No Twilight, there won't be time for the new dough to rise and for me to bake the batch of pretzels for Mr. Vanderhoof, and he'll be so disappointed!" Her eyes welled up again, threatening fresh rivers.
Twilight smiled warmly at Pinkie, from the heart. Of COURSE it is about somepony else's happiness. This is Pinkie Pie, she NEVER thinks about herself first. "Pinkie, I wish I could do something, but it's not like I can bring the yeast back from the..." She paused. The new secret lab had some very interesting equipment. Including... "Spike, I need you to go get Rainbow Dash right away and bring her to the fortress! Tonight, we raise the bread!"
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Twilight, Pinkie and the dough got to the Fortress several minutes before Spike showed up with a bleary-eyed Rainbow Dash. "What gives, Twilight?" She yawned broadly, displaying her orange palate and magenta tongue. "It's like oh-dark-thirty."
"Thanks for coming Dashie. I just need you to get me a good thundercloud and stand by, above the fortress!" Twilight was calculating voltages as she took the dough to a metal table and applied clamps to the bowl, then stuck electrodes into the doughball itself.
"Well, OK! Sounds like fun at least!" Dash zipped up the stairs from the secret lair and flew out a window, looking for atmospheric moisture to build up to a decent thunderhead.
Twilight turned to Spike. "Spike, I need you to go to the control panel and follow my instructions. And stop slouching! And what's with the eyepatch?"
Spike shrugged and stood up straight, removing the eyepatch. "Sorry, it seemed thematically appropriate."
"Stop fooling around, Spike! You have important lab assistant work to do!" She placed round protective goggles over her eyes and donned a white lab coat. "Now, start turning that crank, right there, and keep turning until I tell you to stop!"
"Yesh mishtresh!" he gibbered, falling to the work with a will. As he cranked, a platform containing the table, Twilight and an antenna array rose through the middle of the tree-fortress trunk. It got to within a few feet of the roof.
"OK Spike, stop! Now pull that lever!" He did so and a the ceiling parted to reveal a patch of dark sky, darker still for the threatening cloud that hovered above. "Now crank again!" He spun the crank a few more turns until the platform reached out of the top of the fortress. "That's good! Thank you! Now, engage the relays!"
Spike threw two fat switches and several of the indicators on the panel showed green! "Relays engaged!"
"Excellent!" Twilight shouted over the wind that whistled around her. "Rainbow Dash!"
A multicolored head popped up over the thundercloud. "Yeah!"
Twilight double checked to make sure she was insulated, then yelled "Give me a big bolt right to the tip of the antenna!"
The world turned white and there was an immense explosion as a thunderbolt ripped from the cloud to strike the array. She looked down at an indicator panel. "Again! More power!" The next bolt sizzled and struck the antenna. "One more, give it all you've got!"
Dashie grunted as she powered into the cloud hoof-first. A bolt nearly as thick as the trunk of the tree leaped to the metal poles and coils and sparks flew as the tremendous blast rattled windows throughout Ponyville. Twilight looked at her panel. "Yes! Yes!! It's alive!!!"
Spike cranked the platform back down and closed the roof as Twilight made measurements of the dough ball with a set of calipers. "Pinkie Pie, the dough is now rising. It has increased a full centimeter in diameter already." She took the bowl and hoofed it over to her friend. "Now, go make some pretzels."
Pinkie squealed with joy. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou Twilight!" She sped off, her thanks to Spike and Rainbow Dash red-shifting into a lower octave.
"Need me for anything else or can I get some Zs?" Dash poked her head into the lab door as Twilight divested herself of her science gear.
"Thanks Dashie, job well done. Thanks to you too Spike." Spike chortled and dry-washed his claws. "We saved the day! Now let's try to get a few more hours of sleep. Of course, we did just wake up the whole town... maybe if I could design something to store the charge so we could use the Reanimatrix 5000 more quietly..." she put her lab coat back on. "You guys get some sleep."
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BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Twilight looked up from her calculations. "What the hay is it now?" She sighed and took off her lab coat.
BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!!
"I wonder how high up the disaster scale this one is, maybe between milk curdling and an incoming asteroid?"
Clickety-click went the claws. Clackety-clack when the latch. Whakity-whack went the dragon and the Pink Terror again stood perched on Twilight's chest. She breathed hard but didn't say anything.
"Pinkie? What is it? What's the threat level?" Twilight used her magic to lift her friend off and got off her back, shaking the static-charged dust from her wings.
"I... I don't have a threat level for this one. It isn't on the scale." Pinkie looked shaken.
"What is it?"
BOOM!
The floor, whatever material it was made of, shook.
BOOM!
It was getting closer. She heard the panicked shrieks of ponies. Twilight rushed up the stairs to the front entrance and looked outside. The early morning gloom lit the town, revealing...
BOOM!
A twenty-five foot tall dough beast, its stomping shaking the town. Ponies going to their early-morning jobs ran pell-mell. Others screamed and slammed doors and shutters. The beast roared, a bakery smell permeating the morning air with delicious malignancy.
Pinkie ran up next to Twilight. "I totally didn't see this coming," she said, glancing in the direction of the reader.
"How did it get so big?" Twilight goggled at the creature, which was looking right at Pinkie.
"Well, by the time I got it to the kitchen, the dough was already fully risen, so I went to get the rolling pin and came back and the bowl was empty and there was this crashing from the pantry and I went in there and it was eating the flour and eggs and drinking the milk and it started getting bigger and bigger and then I said to myself that I needed to get it out of the kitchen before it cleaned us out so I poked it with a spoon and ate some muffins where it could see me and I think maybe they were its cousins because that made it angry and it chased me outside and..."
BOOM!
"...its coming after me help me please, Twilight!" Pinkie finished her machine-gun run-on sentence as the dough beast lumbered towards them.
"OK Pinkie, just stay here. I'll take care of it!" Twilight launched herself at the monstrosity as Spike came up beside Pinkie. "Hey you, leave Pinkie alone!"
The beast roared at her, shaking a squishy fist. Twilight swooped in and blasted with her horn, striking the fist, and hushpuppies flew from where the bolt had hit. Better get this thing out of town, fast! Now that she had its attention, she flew off towards the edge of the forest, away from ponies who could be hurt or structures that could be collapsed by the colossal confection.
It charged after her, shaking the earth with its mighty strides. That thing is pretty fast! I'll have to tell Pinkie that her dough is a bit on the runny side. Within a moment it had caught up with her where the brushes and shrubs were growing out from the woodline, the landscape dappled in the warming morning sun.
It turned its head back to where Pinkie and Spike still stood outside the fortress. Oh no you don't! Twilight pulled back a branch with her telekinesis and snapped it back in the monster's face, eliciting a roar. The creature, more angry than hurt, swatted at the alicorn, threatening her with battery, but Twilight twisted and dodged the attack. "You'll have to do better than that!" she taunted, as she blasted a baker's dozen of donuts out of its side, flitting between trees on the forest verge.
Leaves and branches flew as the monster lashed out at Twilight, a puff of flour dusting her face as a massive fist swung past. The next strike was going to hit her and she heard Pinkie and Spike gasp, but she shielded the attack just in time. Even so, the mass behind the strike threw her back to the trees and she narrowly avoided banging her head on the thick bole of an oak.
The kitchen creation howled its frustration and reached down inside of itself, pulling out a massive blob of sticky dough. It hurled it at Twilight, who was not expecting such an attack and was struck in the head, the gooey mass pinning her to the tree. The beast cackled and reached for her. Twilight's eyes widened in panic as she struggled to free her horn, the monster lumbering towards her with malicious intent. "No, please! I have a gluten sensitivity!" The creature laughed evilly.
"Hold it right there, you big meanie! Nopony threatens my friend with intestinal discomfort!" Pinkie and Spike, moving at top speed from the moment they saw that Twilight in trouble, interposed themselves between the dough and its intended prey. "Now, Spike!"
Spike breathed green fire and the creature's outstretched arm darkened and hardened. It cried in anguish and rage, forgetting about Twilight. Pinkie leaped forward and... CRUNCH! The beast's baked arm vanished. It looked in shock at the stump. "Again, Spike!"
Green fire blossomed and Pinkie's teeth flashed and the cries of pain and anger diminished as the beast was consumed. Finally, all that was left on the field of battle was Pinkie Pie, her distended stomach, and a few crumbs. Twilight freed herself with a pop, blasting the last of the dough into a mass of funnel cakes. "My favorite!" Spike jumped on them, delivering the coup de grace.
"You guys saved me! Thanks Pinkie, Spike. That was really quick thinking."
Spike polished his claws with an air of insouciance as Pinkie rolled herself into an upright position. "It was my fault, Twilight, for not trying to deal with my problem myself."
"No Pinkie, you can always ask me for help, any time. It was my fault for conducting an experiment without proper safety measures in place. And I'm the princess. Ultimately, I am the one who is responsible." They both turned to look at Spike.
"Don't look at me! This wasn't my fault!" The two ponies nodded reluctantly.
"So, Pinkie, what are you going to do about Mr. Vanderhoof's pretzels?"
"Oh Twilight, I can't do anything about the pretzels now. I guess I just have to disappoint him." Her face fell, then she recovered. "We certainly tried our hardest though, didn't we?"
Twilight smiled. "Yes Pinkie, and that's what's most important." She bid her friend goodbye as Pinkie rolled away, and took Spike back into the Fortress of Friendship, muttering something about copper, zinc, valences and electron shells.
______
Pinkie glanced up at the clock as it reached eight. The bell rang as the store door opened, and Mr. Vanderhoof, an older, dark coated unicorn with a gray mane, walked in. "Good morning, Miss Pinkie Pie! Do you have my usual?"
"I'm so sorry, Mr. Vanderhoof. The pretzels... didn't work out this morning. I hope you aren't too disappointed." Pinkie looked like she wanted to throw herself at his hooves and beg forgiveness.
"Oh, that's alright, I was getting into a rut anyway. How about some chocolate-covered almonds instead?"
Thump!
Mr. Vanderhoof leaned over the counter, looking with concern and confusion at Pinkie Pie who was, of course, passed out on the floor.
______
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that it is alright to disappoint somepony once in a while, as long as you do your best. Most of the time, the other pony will be understanding, and sometimes it opens up the door for new possibilities. I also learned that Twilight has a gluten sensitivity, so I will be making a portion of my baked goods gluten-free for her and for any other ponies that may need it.
Your faithful subject,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Do you know where I can get gluten-free flour?