The Uncouthiest Thing
Sisterhooves Social: Deleted Scenes
The Uncouthiest Thing
Rarity, riding high on a revelation, struck a pose that radiated determination. "I know what I need to do. I just hope it isn't too late!"
Rarity turned to stare after Sweetie Belle as she half-dragged Apple Bloom back to the farmhouse. Rarity held one hoof outstretched towards the pair, but instead of words, only the most pathetic of whimpers escaped her lips.
She whipped bodily around to face Applejack, the campfire's glow highlighting the twin arcs of tears flying from her eyes. “Applejaaaaaack! H-how am I going to...? What should I...?”
Applejack braced her forehooves on her nigh-hysterical friend's shoulders and gave her one firm shake. “Calm down, Rarity. Ah know just how to handle this.”
“Y-you do? Well, of course you do, you're the expert on sisterhood. I am utterly and completely open to suggestions, Applejack.” Rarity collected herself and stood up straight, trying her best to keep her lip from trembling.
Applejack sighed, cocking an eyebrow at Rarity. “Look. The best thing for you to do is to run the Sisterhooves Social race with Sweetie tomorrow. Ya really need to show her yer willin' to put in the effort and work on yer bond. That much Ah think you worked out on yer own.”
Rarity shook her head from the second Applejack mentioned the social until her last word. “Sweetie would never be willing to go with me now, though! She wouldn't even listen to me long enough for me to extend the offer.” She sighed. “Not that I don't deserve it. I was perfectly wretched to the darling today.”
Nodding, Applejack sat back on her haunches and shot Rarity an odd little grin. “That's why Ah'll take her instead.”
Rarity's “Oh!” carried so much hurt, Applejack may as well have yanked out half the hairs in her tail at once. “How could you! She's already trying to abandon me for your family, and you'd encourage her?”
Applejack's sly smile didn't budge. “We're gonna switch things up on her. Sweetie Belle will think she's runnin' with me, and she will be...until the first mud hole. Ah fall in, but yer the one who climbs out.” She rose, scooped off her hat, and plonked it squarely atop Rarity's head. The brim rode up a bit thanks to the unicorn's horn, but not as much as one would expect. “You'd be surprised how hard it is to tell things...or ponies apart when they're caked in mud.”
“Y-you expect me to smother myself in a nasty mud hole, and wear your sweaty old Stetson?” Rarity's voice squealed into higher registers with every word, while she backpedaled right into a tree. “Have you lost your sun-baked mind?”
“S'not sweaty! Ah wash my hat when Ah wash mahself, either under the pump or in the stream, yonder. S'fine. And anyways, yer used to soakin' in mud, you can't deny that.” Applejack held up a hoof when Rarity opened her mouth to shoot back a scathing reply. “Anh-anh! Remember who yer doing this for!”
Rarity deflated, and released her telekinetic hold on the hat, letting it plop back atop her head. “Very well. But what about my eyes? Mine are blue, and yours are a quite striking green.”
Applejack snickered. “Thankee kindly, Rarity. Trust me, in the heat of the moment she won't be payin' attention to details like that. What you need to be worried about is actin' more like her 'new' big sister and less like a prissy pony who's afraid every inch of the obstacle course is there only to chip her hooves.”
“W-well, how are we supposed to pull that off? Without using my magic and giving myself away, I'm going to be at an enormous disadvantage!”
“That's why we're going to run the course, over and over, until you can do it in your sleep. When you can do it, and do it like Ah would do it, we'll be golden.”
Rarity's groan filled the orchard, startling birds out of trees, and nearly a mile away, frightened a moon-gazing Fluttershy into closing and locking all of her windows. The rolling roar of despair even convinced a manticore at the edge of the Everfree that perhaps tonight wasn't the night it should finally add ponies to its diet.
“A-Applejack, I can't eat pie like this. It's...unladylike to start with, but my mouth simply doesn't open that wide!”
“Y'know Ah never told you, but at the Gala? Fancy Pants told me he thought your dress was the most gorgeous one there.”
Rarity gasped, and Applejack shoved an entire apple pie into that waiting muzzle. Grudgingly, Rarity began to chew, glaring pure beams of death at Applejack.
“Less chewin', more gulping. It'll break down inside ya! You know how tender our pies are.” Applejack grabbed Rarity by a hoof and dragged her towards a chicken coop. “You might do better with this one, given that it calls for a delicate touch.”
Seconds later, Rarity and Applejack were wiping yolk and slime from their faces, fragments of eggshell littering the ground.
“I-I just don't have a lot of coordination without my magic to assist!” Rarity scowled at the coop. Her hooves were sore and muddy, her coat was matted, and she hadn't made it through the course once yet.
“So we'll do it again. There are plenty of eggs, Ah'm glad to say. Ah was getting' tired of omelettes fer breakfast anyhow.” She got her hooves beneath her again, and tugged Rarity up. “C'mon, y'want to get to bed sometime tonight, don't you?”
Rarity let herself be marehandled back into the coop, and did her utmost to focus on the egg pressed between her nose and Applejack's. Applejack took small but swift steps, but this time Rarity was ready for the pace, and the pair made it to the basket goal. With only a grunt to coordinate the drop, Applejack bent her head and Rarity followed suit, safely depositing the egg in the basket.
“There! That wasn't so bad after all! What's next?” Rarity swung her head about, searching for the next bit of the course.
“Back to the coop. We have to do a full dozen before we can move on, y'know.” Applejack pointed back the way they'd come.
“W-what? There must be a faster way!” Rarity dashed back into the coop and emerged with her cheeks bulging.
“That won't work, Rares. We have to do it together, and that's just...you. Sweetie Belle wouldn't be able to fit even one egg in her mouth anyways, so t'wouldn't look cooperative at all. The judges'd come down on ya hard.”
Rarity's ears drooped, then pinned back when Applejack began giggling. Once she realized she was standing there with three eggs in her mouth, looking disconsolate, she had to admit it would've been hard to resist a giggle-fit. She levitated the eggs back into the coop after a quick rub and polish on her coat. “Ahem. Yes. Well, egg number two then?”
Rarity eyed the grape-crushing vat. “You want me. To climb in there. And stomp grapes into...juice.”
“Naw. Easier to toss Sweetie Belle in there. She'd be a better crusher than you anyways. We gave 'er some practice the other day.”
Applejack shoved her nose beneath a waiting pile of grapes and used the top of her muzzle as a spade to flip them into the vat. She turned and waited while Rarity gave it a try.
On her first attempt Rarity's horn tangled itself in a snarl of stems, and half the grapes ended up on her back. “Gah!” She shook herself free of the oozing fruit, and made a point not to look at the stains on her coat. Wrinkling her nose, she shoved and scooped with her head once more. This time the pile flew, but splattered into the side of the vat.
“We'll...work on that.” Applejack used her teeth to pluck a jar from a box nearby and set it beneath the spigot mounted on the vat. “Now, you can't both crush to save time. One of you has to stay below to handle the jarring.”
“Well, that doesn't sound so difficult. I can hold a jar and open a tap. It'll be like that stint of bar-tending I muddled through at the wedding reception Pinkie threw for that odd couple last year. What were their names again...?” Rarity tapped her chin, and nearly toppled over backwards when Applejack launched herself up off the ground and into the vat.
A wave of purple sludge, full of stem-fragments and slippery little grape-skins splashed over the edge of the vat, splattering Rarity's already deeply-insulted coat.
“Applejack!”
A blonde-maned head peeked over the edge. “That's gonna be the hard part for ya. Not mindin' the mess.”
Rarity twitched. Her head jerked on the end of her stock-still neck. A hindleg wobbled, then stomped. “T-t-this is beyond the pale! There's no way I can do this at all, much less pretending to be you!”
Applejack propped a foreleg along the vat's rim, and rested her chin atop that. “Not even for yer sister? To keep you two from spreadin' apart?” Her cheerful expression faded into solemn lines. “Not everypony in mah family gets along, you know. Mah cousin Braeburn has a sister he refuses to talk to. To me, it's like a wagon that's missin' a wheel now, or a house missin' a wall.”
Applejack waved a hoof around the orchard. “We rely on family for support, but not just that. Love flows freely when things're truly right. We're stronger together.”
Rarity sniffed, nodding. “Yes, quite right. I was...never as close to my family as you are to yours, you know. It's to my detriment, though I've been slow to admit it. As...silly as my parents are, they do love me, and I know Sweetie does too, with an intensity and selflessness that shames me.”
“Ah think if she could see what you're doin' now to try and show her how sorry y'are, how much you value the fact that yer sisters, she'd tell you ya have nothin' to be ashamed about. But you do need to keep this up!” She pointed out the jar. “Fill 'er up, sister-in-training!”
Rarity scrambled to get the jar beneath the spigot as Applejack resumed her grape-crushing, and watched royal purple liquid glug forth. “How full is full enough?”
“More than half is good enough. We there yet?”
“Almost, almost. Nearly...there! Good!” Rarity dashed over to place the 3/5ths-full jar on its intended pedestal. She turned around in time to see Applejack leap down from the vat, nearly as purple as the grapes she crushed.
“Thank the sisters you're not a grape-crushing family. I doubt you'd ever get the stains out.” Rarity levitated a grape from behind Applejack's ear. “My my, you really get into your work, don't you?”
Applejack slurped the grape from Rarity's magical grasp and swallowed. “You betcha. Ya just gotta let yourself go, dig in, and get 'er done. You don't have to like the mess, y'know. Nopony's askin' that.” Applejack tossed her head and winked. “Ya just have to remember, you're already dirty! What's a little more? You get to wash up at the end.”
Rarity sighed, brushing one foreleg along the other. “True enough. I'll treat myself to a spa visit once I'm sure I've patched things up with poor Sweetie Belle.” Her expression hardened, the unicorn setting her jaw and bracing herself. “What's next?”
“Well,” Applejack rubbed her chin. “We haven't done the apple tossin', or any of the obstacles yet.”
Rarity grimaced. “Perhaps I had better perfect propulsion of this fruit before I start on another. Teach me to toss grapes like a pro, Applejack.”
It was another half an hour before the pair moved on to the obstacle course, and Rarity was flagging. Her tail, usually proudly-arched, drooped. She barely picked up her hooves with each step.
“Ah'd like to call it a night and let you rest up, but we only have one full day left before the race, and Ah think you'd best spend most of it recoverin'.” Applejack patted her friend on the shoulder. “Take five, and Ah'll get us some water. Then we'll try the bucket-run.”
Rarity watched Applejack trot off through the trees towards the farmhouse, leaving her alone beneath a horseshoe-moon. The earth pony moved with the same energy she had when they'd began the training, not even breathing hard, while she felt flat as her duvet with the comforter removed.
Her ears drooped, and Rarity's head dipped. “I really don't know if I can manage this, even trying my hardest.” She took a few slow steps towards the farmhouse, and hesitated. “I can't quit now though. Applejack would never let me live it down, and...neither would I, to be honest. Ohhhh, but what use could more training have, really?” She brushed at her coat, wincing as dried flakes of mud and worse sprinkled the grass.
She walked on the way Applejack had gone, and soon reached the treeline facing the farmhouse. A window was open and Rarity froze just before setting hoof beyond the shadows of the orchard. A filly was silhouetted in the window frame, warm yellow light spilling out of the bedroom behind her.
“Sweetie Belle...?” Rarity squinted. She could hear voices, but couldn't make out what she and presumably Apple Bloom were saying. After another moment, Sweetie left her sprawl across the sill to duck back inside, and Rarity caught a glimpse of her sister's expression. Brooding. Sullen. Pinched. Maybe even a little...lost.
“Rares?”
Rarity jerked her head down from her study of the second story to find Applejack standing before her, a bucket of water at her hooves.
“Sorry, Mac caught me up in a story about a gopher he tried to chase off this afternoon. Gotcher water here.”
“Oh, y-yes, thank you my dear.” Rarity magically grasped the ladle in the bucket and slaked her thirst. When she'd finished, Applejack took a turn, before scooping her hat back off of Rarity to fan herself with it a moment.
“Alright. Ready for the strenuous bits?”
Rarity nodded, and headed back into the trees, magic tugging the Stetson back onto her own head. “Let's do this.”
Applejack watched Rarity pound through the bucket-run at a good clip, and nodded, a grin tugging at her lips. “That was good 'nuf, sugarcube. Ah think we can move on. The next should be dead simple.”
Panting, Rarity followed Applejack to a pyramid-shaped stack of wooden crates. Applejack patted one of the crates. “This is just somethin' to get yourselves over. Ah don't rightly know if Sweetie will be able to get over it by herself or not! These crates are mighty tall, so she could need help. Give it a try or two.”
Rarity took a running leap to land atop the first and lowest crate, and scrambled over the rest with no real problems.
“Okay, good. See those big bales of hay over there? You're gonna push it from the starting mark to that line over there.” Applejack walked the distance indicated, and Rarity blinked.
“That huge bale? It's the size of six of me!” She tried shoving it with a hoof, not budging the prickly mass an inch.
“Use your head, Rarity. Ah mean, plant your face on that thing and shove with all you've got!”
Rarity grimaced but did as directed, planting her forehead against the bale, burying her horn in the hay. “Scratchy, ugh. But...Sweetie! NnnnNNGH!” The unicorn strained and shoved.
“Once ya get it movin' don't stop! It'll be that much harder to start again. There ya go, keep comin', half-way there!” Applejack kept up the chatter, trying to distract Rarity from the strain of the task. “You'll have Sweetie Belle to help when you do this for real, so it will only get easier.”
“Couldn't you help then? A little?” Rarity grunted out, moving the bale one painful inch at a time.
“Nah, Ah don't think I could rein mahself in down to filly-strength. You're doin' great though! Just another foot.”
Rarity crossed the line with her bale to the sound of Applejack stomping the ground in applause. "Great work. If we were tryin' to fool everypony, we'd have problems, 'cuz that was a mite slow for any earth pony, much less yours truly. But Sweetie Belle will be too excited to notice, Ah'd wager."
Rarity grumbled, picking hay out of her mane. She flicked an ear as a thought struck her. "Applejack, does this...bother you? We are plotting a rather elaborate deception, after all. That must go against the very grain of, well, 'Applejack.'"
Applejack crossed two hooves before the others, rolling her eyes up in thought. "Ah hadn't given it that much thought to be...heh, honest. Ah'd say this is harmless, like hidin' things from a friend to keep a nice surprise a surprise. Nopony can be one-hundred percent honest all the time and live anythin' like a normal life."
Rarity wrinkled her nose. "Thinking more on the matter, I think I'd go to great lengths to avoid such a pony."
Applejack nodded, chuckling. "'Xactly. Now, you've had a little breather, and Ah have some bad news. We've gotta run through the entire course again, with you covered in mud."
Cold shock coursed through Rarity's body, and her eyes filmed with tears. She fought down her knee-jerk hysterical reaction. "T-temporary suffering, no matter how great, is worth a lifetime of sisterhood." She levered herself up and stumbled towards the mud hole.
Applejack cleared her throat. "Rarity? Ah was only foolin'. You spend enough time 'neath a layer of mud that Ah don't think it'll bother ya enough that we need to... Rarity?"
"Let's do this right! I haven't come this far to peter out now. Sweetie needs me, but I need her just as much. I won't take any chances!" Rarity tossed her mane, then flung herself into the mud hole. It being late evening, the mud had cooled considerably, and the grimy unicorn was slow to sink into the sludgy depths.
Applejack watched as the mud claimed all but Rarity's determined face, then gradually swallowed up the foreleg she'd raised above her head, guessing it was a gesture of defiance or camaraderie.
"Proud to have you competin' this year, Rares. You're as good a sister as they come."
Just the Stetson remained, resting on the surface of the muck. When the unicorn didn't reappear from beneath the mud, Applejack sighed and waded in after her. "Ah'm comin'."