This Is SO Not Kansas

by ForsakenDraak66

First published

Your Pierce Collins, just a young man who is living pretty good, if you say so yourself.Until a night at the bar leads to some pretty crazy events, landing you and your house inside Ponyville.Worst part is, you don't remember anything from that

You're Pierce Collins, just a young man who is living pretty good, if you say so yourself. Until a night at the bar leads to some pretty crazy events, landing you and your house inside Ponyville. Worst part is, you don't remember anything from that night. Now you, Celestia, Twilight, and the rest of the gang have to figure out how you got there and, more importantly, if there is a way back home.

Hey guys, this is my first attempt at a fanfiction so please comment about anything that may help the story. Thanks and enjoy!

The Day After

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I sit up and yawn, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. “I need to stop drinking,” I say to myself, trying to remember last night. Most of it is hazy, so I can only remember going to the bar with some friends. After that, it all gets fuzzy. I groan as I feel the hangover migraine pulse. I look around my room sleepily and irritable, the migraine combined with the fact that I’m not a morning person making me annoyed and angry with everything, and I level my glare with my alarm clock. I stare at the time on it. 12:37. I am not even a noon person it seems, and I just want to go back to sleep. Instead I throw the covers off of me and stand, my bones popping as I stretch. My answering machine is beeping as I shuffle into my living room. I click the play button as I make my way into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I hear the static as the message starts playing.

"Pierce, it's your mother, we just want to know if you will be joining us for dinner... last time... never..... I hope you....."

"What the fuck?" i say aloud, looking at my answering machine. I walk over to it and check it carefully. All the chords are plugged in right and everything looks to be undamaged. For some reason, there was a lot of static in that message.

"Next message." The electronic voice of the answering machine says. It starts to play static for about a minute before clicking off. Okay, that was definitely weird. I drop the machine while saying, " Yep. Gotta get a new one. Piece of shit." I pick my coffee cup up and move into my living room, grabbing the TV remote as I head to my recliner. I sit in it slowly, trying to make sure my coffee doesn't spill. I lean back and start to relax as i turn on my TV. Static comes on my TV, the noise making me jump and spilling some coffee on my crotch.

"Son of a bitch!" I set my cup down and stand up, going for the towel in the bathroom.

" God damn it. I pay almost two hundred fucking dollars so I can watch TV. The least those fucking morons can do is make sure my TV works!" I spout out angrily as i rub my crotch with the towel, trying to dry the coffee soaking into my pajama pants. Then I hear a loud knock at the door, kind of like a cop knock but more hesitant.

"Who is it?" I call, making my way out of the bathroom and to the front door. I open my door to bright sunlight hitting me in the eyes, blinding me, and a loud collection of gasps. As my eyes adjust to the horrible sunlight, I start to make out the shapes of the owners of the gasps. My eyes widen as i look at six bizarre colored ponies staring at me with equal amounts of shock, two have horns on their heads and another two have wings. I break the silence with the first thing that pops in my head.

"Well Toto, I have a feeling I'm not in Kansas anymore?" I’d like to say that I fainted after that but I didn’t. I stare at the ponies, they were too small to be horses, and I was stared at in return. That is, until the blue pony with a rainbow mane and wings opened her mouth and said, “Who’s Toto?”

My jaw drops and I stare at her in shock. “Did you just fucking talk?” I blurt out. Apparently the other ponies had started to regain their composure, because the white pony with a horn speaks up and says, “I’d like you to know we are civilized enough to talk, thank you. Now answer Rainbow Dash’s question, if you’d please.”

I shift my gaze from her slowly to this “Rainbow Dash”. I slowly point at her. Her eyes follow my finger up and then slowly move to my eyes. I gulp and try to smile. “You’re Toto. And this is SO not Kansas.” I let out a small hysteric laugh as I’m saying this.
“I’m not Toto, I’m Rainbow Dash, and what’s Kansas?” Rainbow Dash says, seeming to be getting over the shock of seeing me. The purple pony, or should I say unicorn because she had a horn just like the white pony, takes a small step forward and clears her throat.

I break my gaze from Rainbow Dash to this pony as she says, “I’m Twilight Sparkle. And this is Ponyville. What’s your name? And.. um.. if you don’t mind me asking.. what ARE you?” She says the last part with a curiosity that would make Curious George jealous.

I gulp again and slowly say, “I’m Pierce Collins. I’m a carpenter. And I’m a human. Where.. where am I?”

“I already told you, Ponyville. Spike!” The second part isn’t addressed to me but to a small pinkish purple dragon I hadn’t noticed yet. “Send a message to Princess Celestia telling her that we have a ‘Pierce Collins’ in Ponyville. Express the fact that he’s not a pony.” Spike the dragon nods and starts writing a- wait.. where did he get the paper from? Well, wherever he got it from, he finished the note quickly and set it aflame with his dragon breath. I stare at all of them before asking myself aloud, “Who put shit in my coffee?”

The pink pony jumps up and seems to stretch her neck up to put her face into mine. “Ohhh! What’s coffee?! Is it good?! Can I have some?! PLEASE!!!” I push her face gently away from mine as the white one speaks again.

“Yes, it is very rude of you to keep guests outside. I say I can use some of this “coffee” myself.” She finishes with her nose slightly raised. God, she seems snooty. I slowly step to the side and welcome them in with a quiet, “please.. do come in.”

They make their way in and I close the door behind them. Some of them take seats, but a pale yellow pony with pink hair and wings stands there nervously before saying softly, “Um.. excuse me..”

I look at the yellow pony and gently ask, “Yes?”

She gulps and looks around nervously. “Do you mind if I sit down on one of your chairs?” she whispers, almost to the point where I can’t hear her. I nod to my recliner. “Go ahead.” I move to the kitchen and start to pour coffee into two cups as the ponies study their surroundings.

“Ya got a prettay good place her’ Pierce. It’s cozy lookin’.” the orange pony with a cowboy hat says. I notice that she had what seemed like a tattoo of some apples on her flank. A quick look tells me they all have a tattoo of some sort.

I pick up both mugs and hand one to the white pony and start making my way towards the pink pony that seems to be bouncy while sitting still, but the snooty white pony gets my attention. “Um, Pierce. After sampling your ‘coffee’ I have to recommend against letting Pinkie Pie have some.”

Pinkie Pie appears, yes quite literally just fucking appears, in front of the white pony and starts whining, “Awe, come on Rarity! Let me have some! PLEEEAA-”

Pinkie Pie’s whining is cut off as a brilliant flash of sunlight lights up my living room. There, in the center, stands a massive horse with a larger horn than Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and a sort of living hair with what seems like stars in it. She has on a crown and is looking dead at me. I stare at her before formulating a response to her entrance into my home.

“Sooo, you must be Princess Celestia. Want some coffee?”

Sugarcube Corner

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Celestia stares at me before her lips form into a smirk. She shakes her head slowly and says, “I’ll pass on your coffee, Pierce Collins. But I do have to discuss the matter of how you ended up here. I also need to know if you will be a threat to my ponies.”

I blink a couple of times, processing what she said. Then I turn to get a beer from the fridge. Fuck if I don’t need a drink. I pop the top and take a deep swig, the taste of cheap alcohol making its way down my throat. I finish gulping it down and turn back to Celestia. “I’m not a violent person, Princess. I won’t hurt your ponies unless I feel threatened. And even then, I’m sure that any of your unicorns can skewer me, any of the pegasuses can drop things on top of me, and the rest of your ponies could just trample me. So I don’t think you need to worry about me hurting your ponies.”

I finish my little monologue and Twilight speaks up before Celestia. “It’s pegasi, Pierce. Not pegasuses.”

I ignore her as I keep my eyes on the princess. She finally nods and turns to the group of ponies and says in a firm, commanding voice. “Pierce will be staying here in Ponyville and will probably need a job. Applejack, until he is able to provide for himself, please give him a few apples from Sweet Apple Acres so he doesn’t starve. Rarity, please make sure to take his measurements in case he needs clothing. Fluttershy, if you don’t mind I would appreciate if you show him around town and make sure ponies aren’t afraid of him. We don’t want a misunderstanding.”

As she says this, the orange mare, now known as Applejack nodded, Rarity did a sort of small bow while still sitting on my couch, and the yellow mare, I’m assuming Fluttershy, squeaked and nodded slowly while nervously saying, “Yes Princess..”

“Um, Princess? I don’t mean to interrupt but,” I start, turning her attention back to me. “I would like to get home soon. I don’t even know how I got here or anywhere about this place. So the sooner I get back, the sooner I get out of your hair. If you can just like, ‘poof’ me back home, I’d be greatly appreciative.”

She nods solemnly before speaking. “I cannot help you yet, Pierce. I have never heard of your kind and I don’t know where you originate. But I will search for answers to return you to your home. Until then, you will need to make a life here. That way you can survive until I find you a way. Now I must leave, I have important matters in Canterlot. Goodbye everypony.”

With that she becomes a small star before disappearing, blinding me and reminding me of my massive hangover as my shock starts to fade. This is so not my day. I look at the ponies in my living room, some of with are getting up to leave. I take another deep swig of the beer, then I notice Fluttershy is waiting for me, nervously pawing the ground with her hoof. I down the rest of the beer and toss the empty can into the trash can, the noise startling the yellow mare. I walk towards the door, grabbing my keys off the kitchen counter where I had left them the night before, and say loudly, “C’mon Fluttershy, let’s go explore Ponyville.”

I open the door, inwardly cursing the bright ass sun and step outside. I look around, not noticing the scenery the first time I had looked out my door. It was actually.. quite nice. I waited for the nervous mare to join me before turning and locking my door. I turn to Fluttershy and ask, “Okay, Fluttershy, where to first?”

She quietly murmurs a response and I just shrug. I’ll find out eventually. She starts walking and I follow, not knowing where we are going but honestly, not caring. I needed to take my mind off of my predicament, at least, until I can think about it. We continued walking down the road in silence before I decided to break the silence.

“Hey, Fluttershy,” I started, looking down at her. “What do you do here? Like work wise.”

She glances up to me before looking back to the road we were on. After a moment she says, “I take care of animals.”

“Sooo, you’re a veterinarian? My sister is going to school for that. She loves animals. She even got bit by a dog because she just wanted to pet the damn thing.” I say, remembering my days with my sister before I left the household to live on my own. After that I never really talked to my parents or my sister. I sigh softly. I wish I would have spent more time with them. Maybe when I get back I’ll go to those dinner’s they are always inviting me to. I shake my head and focus on where we are going. We are approaching a rather odd building. The building's roof is similar to that of a gingerbread house. Its design is like a stereotypical bakery-theme. The two upper stories look like stacked cupcakes and it is topped with candle-shaped lights.

“This is Sugarcube Corner. It’s a bakery and is owned by Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Pinkie Pie lives in the room upstairs and works here too.” Fluttershy says, seeming to be a little more confident than when she was in my living room.

“Well.. its um, a gingerbread house?” I say slowly, looking at the building in disbelief. “How has it not been eaten yet?”
Fluttershy looks up at me and then glances down again. “Sugarcube Corner isn’t made out of food..”

I gaze at the building and thought how difficult it would have been to build that out of wood. I mean, I’ve made some pretty decent things in my career, but I couldn’t imagine trying to make that, or even if that would be stable.

Fluttershy leads me into the gingerbread bakery. As I enter, the conversation dies as ponies look at the strange human, a.k.a me. It wasn’t in fear, just curiosity. I speed my pace so that I am at Fluttershy’s side. We make our way to the counter where a yellow stallion with a square jaw was giving a cupcake to a light greenish blue mare with a harp tattoo on her flank. She thanks him and turns around and sees me. She stares at me curiously, her eyes travelling down my body. When her eyes come to my hands her eyes widen a bit and she smiles. She makes her way to me and Fluttershy. Fluttershy smiles at the approaching mare and she says, “Oh, hello Lyra. How’s Bonbon?”

The mare greets her and smiles and says, “She’s good. Who’s your friend?”

Lyra looks up at me at the sound of my voice as I introduce myself. “I’m Pierce Collins. Nice to meet you.” I hold my hand out for a handshake. She looks at me hand and puts her hoof in in my hand. I shake her hoof awkwardly before I let her hoof drop.
“You must be really good at playing musical instruments. Your hoofs are a lot different.” Lyra says, looking at my hands.

I glance down at my hands and smile. “These aren’t hoofs, Lyra. These are hands.”

She gazes at my hands longingly and says, “I wish I had hands. I wouldn’t have to use my magic to play my harp.”

I raise my eyebrow at that and ask, “You can use magic?”

“Yep! Well, bye Pierce! Bye Fluttershy! I gotta get back to Bonbon.” With that she skips off with her cupcake floating next to her as she leaves. Hmm, how did I not notice that? Wait a minute.. What the fuck?! My ‘what the fuck’ moment is interrupted when Fluttershy asks me quietly, “Would you like a cupcake?”

“Sure.” I respond, watching the door that Lyra had went out of in disbelief. I snap my attention back to Fluttershy. “How much is it?” I ask, reaching for my wallet. Then I realized something.


I bet they don’t know what the fuck a dollar is!

Was It All a Dream?

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I glance at Fluttershy and smile sheepishly. "I don't suppose you would know what dollar is, would you?"

Fluttershy shook her head slowly and turned to Mr. Cakes. She said softly, "May I get one cupcake please? And don't worry Pierce.. I can pay for it."

I nodded and mumbled my thanks as she dropped some gold coins on the counter, where she got them I didn't know, but I decided not to question it. Mr.Cakes picked up the coins and nudged a cupcake to Fluttershy. She took it and we started for an empty table. The ponies had long since lost interest in me and had gone back to their meals. As we sat down I thought back to the last time I ate. It had been a couple of peanuts at the bar before i got hammered. I gazed at the cupcake hungrily and swallowed the saliva forming as Fluttershy slide it across the table to me. Before I devoured the cupcake i realized that the yellow mare didn't get one for herself.

"If you want, I can split this. I don't like to eat in front of others." I said, moving to pull the cupcake in half.

Fluttershy shook her head and said softly, "No, it's fine. Go ahead Pierce.. I'm not hungry."

I shrugged and lifted it to my mouth and took a bite. I gagged and forced the bite down. The cupcake seemed to be pure sugar. I felt sick to my stomach, and i was sure that I just got diabetes from it. i shakily set the cupcake down and ran my tongue over the roof of my mouth to get the taste of the pink cupcake out of my mouth. Fluttershy watched me amused and giggled softly.

"Pinkie Pie can sure make a cupcake can't she?" Fluttershy said softly, a sheepish smile on her face.

I glared at her until she lost her smile and looked down. I gulped audibly and stood up. Fluttershy hopped down from the chair without a word and followed me as I waked to the door. I pushed out of the door and Mr.Cakes voice carried as he called, "You come back later now!"

I waved and called back, "If I ever get the chance." I glance at the forlorn cupcake on the table and shook my head. Sorry Mr.Cakes, but I am not coming back ever, unless a health inspector passes it for human standards. I let the door close behind me as Fluttershy and I walk along the road. As we walk along the road I notice that less ponies are staring at me or giving me curious looks. We continue walking in silence for a few minutes before I start to break. God I HATE silence. I looked down at the yellow mare beside me and said, "Hey Fluttershy, are you usually this quiet? And you seem pretty uncomfortable."

She nodded quickly and continued walking in silence for about a minute for mumbling, "You're scary..."

At first, I had to think about what she said, mainly because all I heard was mumble mumble, but it finally clicked and i understood her. I sigh and stop, placing a hand on her back, causing her to finch, but she stops and glances up at me before returning her gaze to the road. I knelt down and smile gently. I said, "Fluttershy, please look at me." When she finally did I continued. "I am not going to hurt you. You and your friends have been nice to me and I am in a new place and I feel scared. I don't know how I'm going to get home and I am relying on you and your friends on helping me, because I don't think I could handle this without you. As I told your princess, I'm not a violent person. So please don't be afraid of me."

I lightly pat her back and smile before standing up. I resume my walking and she follows. We walk a minute in silence before she nods and smiles softly. She relaxes a bit and says, "So where are you from?"

I look at her and say, "A small town in Georgia. It's called Lakeland. It was nice and quiet, though I had to do most of my work in Valdosta."

"So this is all in Kansas?" She replies softy.

I look at her confused for a moment before I remember my remark to Rainbow Dash. I start laughing, startling Fluttershy, until my fit has died down to chuckles and giggles and say, choking back any laughter left, "What I said to Rainbow Dash is a famous quote from a movie called The Wizard of Oz. It's about a young girl and her dog named Toto that get sucked up by a tornado and land in a magical place called Oz that is being oppressed by two evil witches. Her house falls on one of the witches killing her and they have to set out to kill the other so that the can find a way home."

Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by pink hoofs party Fluttershy's hair and a pink muzzle emerging and saying excitedly, "Ohhhhhh! I wanna go to Oz!!!!! Can you take us Pierce?! Please!!!!"

I however, did not hear what she said, for i was to busy screaming at what had just happened. Fluttershy however, seemed unfazed and said, "Oh. Hello there, Pinkie."

I stand there bent over and clutch my chest, breathing heavily as the two ponies talk to each other. At some point Pinkie had removed herself from Fluttershy's hair. I took a deep breath and let it out. Fuck this place. It was gonna be the death of me and I knew it. I regained my composure and said hotly, "Jesus, Pinkie! Your gonna give me a God damn heart attack!"

Pinkie just beamed at me and ignored what I said, and instead said, "So Pierce, do you waaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaa party?!"

I glanced at Fluttershy who just smiled. I turned back to Pinkie Pie to find she had gotten closer. i cleared my throat and said, "How about later? Fluttershy is still giving me the tour around town."

Pinkie Pie turned to Fluttershy and said excitedly, "You should take him to Sugarcube Corner!" I will make all of us some cupcakes!" I stared in horror at this and looked to Fluttershy with pleading eyes.

She seemed to get the message because she said, "We already went to Sugarcube Corner. We are headed to Twilight's right now." I sighed in relief. "But you can give him a party after the tour, he will probably be home by then." I stared at Fluttershy in horror as Pinkie Pie squealed. Fluttershy flashed my a dark grin but went back to her innocent self as Pinkie Pie started talking to herself, things along the lines of, "Gotta start preparing" and "wonder if I can get Vinyl here.." Pinkie Pie beamed and started bouncing down the road the way we were and she called back to us, "Bye Fluttershy! Bye Pierce! I have a party to get to work on!"

I glared at Fluttershy and she smiled back. She started walking again and i grumbled, "Traitor.."

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, except stopping at Applejack's and eating real food and being forced into extremely colorful and flashy clothes by Rarity. Well, that and the dreaded party. Finally everything settled down and ponies started leaving. I noticed that Twilight Sparkle was lingering behind. I shrugged and walked over to her. She didn't seem to notice me and was busy messing with my computer, so I tip toed behind her and grabbed her flanks and shouted, "Boo!"

She squeaked loudly and jumped, turning to me with a blush on her face. I smiled and said, "What's up Twilight? Why were you fiddling around with my computer?"

She looked at my computer and said, "I was wondering what this was.." She turned back to me and continued, "I wanted you to know that right now, me and the Princesses are currently looking for a way to send you back. Right now we know very little because we have no idea how you were sent here or where you came from, but we are trying to help."

I nod and smile. I was actually warming up to this place. Twilight's eyes widened and she bowed. I raised my eyebrow to her then realized she was bowing to someone behind me, so I turn, expecting to see the radiant white horse. Instead I am starring at another horse, smaller than Celestia, with a coat like midnight. I nod to her and offer my hand. "Hello, my name is Pierce Collins. And you must be?"

The mare looked at me hand and raised an eyebrow. She disregarded my hand and said, "I am Princess Luna, Princess of the Night. I believe you have met my sister, Celestia."

I nod and say, "Nice to meet you Princess Luna. And yes, I have. So what brings you by today?"

"I wanted to meet the human Sister was talking about. Twilight Sparkle is right, we are looking for a way to send you back to home. In fact," she turned to Twilight, "we need you back at the castle. We may have found a way." Luna turned back to me. "Excuse us Pierce."

I watched as Luna and Twilight left. I yawned and started cleaning up. About a half an hour later I retired to bed.

I awoke and yawned. I stood up and stretched, popping my back as I did. I shambled into the kitchen, repeating my daily morning routine. Make the coffee pot, check the machine, make a cup of coffee, and sit down to watch TV. I pressed the button on my machine and the first message started playing.

"Pierce, it's your mother, we just want to know if you will be joining us for dinner tonight. Last time you never showed up. I hope you come by. I love you. Bye."

I stared at my machine. That was basically the same message as yesterday, but without all the static. I frowned. Was last night a dream? I can't really tell. I shrugged and made a cup of coffee. I went to my favorite recliner and sat down, careful not to spill my coffee. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. A colorful show came was one about colorful ponies, just like what happened yesterday, or if it really was a dream, then like my dream. I decided to stay on the show and watched the ponies solve problems. Then my alarm went off and I stood up, getting ready to go to work.

Luna and Twilight watched the bubble Luna created to monitor Pierce's thoughts. He seemed to regard the machine with confusion but Luna's horn lit up and he shrugged. He continued as if nothing was wrong.

"Um, Princess. Are you sure this is the best solution?" Twilight asked nervously. "I mean, he can always live in Ponyville."

Luna looked at Twilight and smiled sadly. "Yes Twilight. If he lived in Ponyville he would know true sadness, for he would be the only one of his species, and When I went through his dreams I saw that he would not be able to stand that kind of sadness, that feeling of loneliness. He would end up hurting himself or others. So yes Twilight, a never ending dream life is the best action, even if its all an illusion." Luna looked back at the bubble, "I'm just glad his memories were enough to construct this illusion."