"Whatever you do, don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything!"
During his exploration of the Freelancer base, Caboose stumbles upon a lab of experimental Slipspace technology and does what he does best: pushes buttons. The next thing he knows, he's in a strange place talking to a tiny yellow filly and he couldn't be happier!
Inspired by DarkWing's My Little Caboose: Blue is Magic! If you think this is good, you might like My Little Caboose even more!
There was nothing about the calm and empty sky that night to suggest that Equestria would be receiving an otherworldly visitor. Above the south fields of Sweet Apple Acres, a bright light lit up the sky, followed by a sharp, chiming bang! A few hundred meters away in the farmhouse, a small, red maned filly was shaken awake. She climbed from her bed and looked out at the orchard, expecting to see a fire or lost and confused unicorn stumbling down the road. Something was out there, and she couldn't shake the notion that she should investigate.
The small pony tiptoed from her bedroom, not wanting to wake and worry her siblings or grandmother, and pulled on a red cloak before slipping outside into the cool night air. She trotted off in the direction of the thunderous noise, expecting to find something she'd read about in her storybooks. Maybe a crashed spaceship or some strange teleporting being? Or another lost pony experimenting with magic again?
She reached the center of the orchard and saw nothing. No signs of a crash or collision, everything seemed intact. She had been so hoping something fun would've happened. As she began her solemn walk towards the house, her tiny ears picked up on a most unfamilar sound.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
She turned around to see something slam into the ground, leaving an imprint in the dirt outlining its body shape. The creature stood up on two legs, towering over the filly as it shook its head.
"I am never pressing that button again. Any button but that one."
The stranger was tall, far taller than anything she'd ever seen. It was blue in color and its skin had a faint metallic sheen to it, or at least the parts of it that were blue. Whatever parts of it that weren't blue were instead black, save for the small circular area of orange on its head, what she assumed to be the creature's face although it had no signs of eyes, nose, or mouth. It looked around, examining its new surroundings.
"Where am I? This isn't that shiny room I was in. I wonder if Church is already here?"
The creature turned towards her and the filly saw the orange plate fix on her. Could this thing see her? Maybe it was looking at something else? She froze in place, not sure if she should stay or run.
"Oh. My. GOD!"
The decision was soon made for her as the blue being swept her up in its cold, metal arms and sat on the grass, cradling her like a newborn babe, its static-tinted voice squealing with excitement
"Oh my gosh, a pony!" the being exclaimed. He sounded as though his nose was slightly clogged. "I always wanted a pony and now I found one! I think I will call you...Fluffy! Wait, no, I called the alien that already."
"Um, excuse me?" the filly said. "Mah name's Apple Bloom."
"Other Fluffy, you can talk! You are even better than a regular pony! We should go camping!"
"Could ya put me down, first?" Apple Bloom said. "It's kinda hard to breathe when yer huggin' me."
"Oh, right! Sorry, Abbeloom."
"No, not like that." She repeated her name again, slowly. "Ap-ple. Ba-loom."
The blue being scratched his head for a moment. "Oh, I get it! Pabbel Hoom! My name is Caboose, but you can call me 'Idiot' if you want. Church usually does."
Apple Bloom buried her face in her hooves. Whatever this thing was, it needed more than a bit of help from Miss Cheerilee. The filly repeated her name one more time.
"Apple Bloom! Apple, like those!" she said as she pointed to one of the red orbs dangling from the trees. "And Bloom, like a flower!"
"Apple Flower." the blue creature replied flatly. "Your name is Apple Flower."
Apple Bloom let out a huff. "Close 'nuff, Caboose."
The small pony paced about her new acquaintance, trying to get a better look at the figure before her.
"Where's yer cutie mark?" she asked. Caboose simply stared back at her for a moment.
"What is that?"
"Y'know, yer special talent?"
"Special talent?" Caboose repeated. "Oh, I'm really good at eating ice cream! And hating Tucker."
"Tucker? There's another one of ya comin'?"
"Tucker's not here? Good! He said I couldn't have a pony, but then I found you and you're a pony! So I can have a pony!"
"No, he ain't here. But there's more of ya?"
"Church might come too if he finds the button. Can I hug you again?"
"Um...why don't we go back home? You could use a place to stay." The little filly had no idea where this massive newcomer would stay. On all fours, he probably wouldn't fit through the front door, though the barn might be big enough for him.
"Where are we?" Caboose asked as he looked around at all the apple trees. "Are we in an orchestra?"
"A what?"
"An orchestra. The place where they grow all the musical instruments?"
Apple Bloom stared at the blue being blankly. "...what? No, we're in an orchard! We grow apples, not instruments! Did ya hit yer head on somethin' when ya fell?"
He looked over at the Caboose-shaped imprint he'd left in the dirt. "No, I landed on my face."
"Well, we better get ya layin' down someplace after a fall like that. I can fix ya up in the barn fer tonight. Ya can meet my brother and sister tomorrow, okay?"
"Brother and sister? More ponies?!" Caboose stayed silent for a few seconds. "This is going to be the best party ever! Better than that party with Fluffy!"
Apple Bloom awoke the next morning to the staccato chiming of her alarm clock, and promptly shut it off before sitting up in her bed. The little filly rubbed her eyes and looked out her window at the old red barn, recalling last night's events.
"Huh, what a weird dream that was. Big blue thing droppin' outta the sky like that. Wonder what it means?"
She descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen, expecting her elder sister to be standing by with a warm apple fritter for her. Instead, she found her siblings standing by the kitchen window, their eyes wide and riveted on the barn while they talked to each other in hushed voices. Apple Bloom caught her name being mentioned in their hushed conversation and cleared her throat.
"Oh, Apple Bloom! Yer up!," said Applejack. "Lissen, don't go out to the barn, alright?"
"Why not?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Just don't go out there, alright? It ain't safe with that thing out there."
"Is it a big blue thing with an orange face that talks funny?" the filly asked. Applejack's worried expression immediately answered her question. So much for it being a dream.
"How d'ya know what's out there already, little missy?"
"I sorta...let him sleep in the barn. He's real nice, though! He won't hurt anypony!"
Applejack picked her hat up from the kitchen table. "Big Macintosh, you stay here and keep an eye on Apple Bloom. I'm gonna go out and try ta push that thing outta the barn."
"Sis, don't hurt him!" Apple Bloom called after her, but Applejack was already out the door. She started to follow her older sibling before her brother's heavy hoof landed in front of her.
"Yer stayin' here, got it?"
Applejack swallowed the lump in her throat as she approached the open barn door, the low rumble of the creature's snores echoing from within as it muttered something about cookies in its slumber. All she had to do was buck that thing out of her barn and maybe it would leave. If not, she'd buck it again. The farm pony took great care in stepping around the thing before stopping at its exposed back. She turned around and pointed her powerful legs at the center of what she assumed to be its torso. All it would take is one kick to send this blue giant out into the yard.
CLANG!
"What in tarnation?" Applejack exclaimed. She'd hit her target squarely in the back, but it hadn't budged a inch. A kick like that should've thrown anything through those doors, but this thing felt so solid, like she was trying to buck a boulder. The creature began to shift and stir, mumbling again.
"Church, tell Tucker to stop trying to wake me up."
"Hey, can ya hear me?" Applejack said. The blue being rolled over and focused its orange piece on her.
"You're not Church...ooh, you're another pony! Can I hug you?"
Applejack was completely dumbfounded. Here she was expecting this thing at least three times her size sleeping her barn to tear her to shreds, not try to give her a hug. Before she could answer, his huge blue arms wrapped around her and pulled her in close. The earth pony just sat there, unsure if she should fight this thing or just let him hug her.
"You smell like apples! Apples are nice."
"Uh...thanks?"
It wasn't long before Apple Bloom came galloping out of the farmhouse, stopping just short of the door to see a very nervous Applejack in Caboose's arms.
"Are you alright?" the little filly said.
"No, I'm not Alright. I'm Caboose." He pointed to the orange pony in his hands. "Is this Alright? Hello, Alright!"
"I'm Applejack!" the cowpony said as she squirmed about in Caboose's grip. "Could ya lighten up there a little, fella?"
Caboose relaxed his grip slightly. "You and Apple Fluffy talk like Sarge. Do you have a pirate ship?"
Applejack looked at her sister. "Not too good with names, is he?"
"I know my name!" Caboose practically shouted at her. "You can ask me if you forget."
"Noted. Now let go'a me!"
"Sorry, Applesarge!" He relaxed his grip and let Applejack wriggle out of his grasp. Apple Bloom trotted over to greet him and immediately found herself engulfed in his arms again.
"Uh, Caboose? A lil' less huggin', please?"
"But you're just so cute!" he replied. "I should take you both back to the base and show you to Church! But not Tucker, he's mean. Where is Church, anyway?"
It was Big Macintosh's turn to step into the barn and get a better look at Caboose, promptly causing the human's head to fix on him. He dropped Apple Bloom and crawled over to Mac.
"Sarge, is that you? Why are you a pony? Oh, can I be a pony too? Church said I couldn't be a cowboy."
Big Macintosh blinked a few times. "What? Son, I ain't this 'Sarge' fella."
"But you're big and red! And he's big and red! And all of you talk like him! It's like you're a whole family of Sarge ponies! And I still haven't seen your pirate ship!"
The bigger pony simply stared back at him, unsure of what he should do next.
"Well, maybe we could take ya into town?" Apple Bloom said. "I could show ya 'round, maybe get--mmph!" Apple Bloom was quickly silenced by her elder sister's hoof being stuffed into her mouth.
"That's mighty kind of ya, Apple Bloom, but I feel that...Caboose, right? Caboose should stay here."
"Yay! You know my name!" Caboose shouted. "You're a nice girl!"
"Apple Bloom, you stay here and keep playin' with Caboose, alright? I gotta go..uh...run a few errands. Try to keep him in the barn."
"My aunt always told that to my mom," Caboose said. "Why can't I come outside? Can we go play in the orchestra?"
"The what?" said Applejack.
"Long story, sis. Can I invite Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo over too? They'd love to meet him!"
"Well, I dunno..."
Apple Bloom looked up at her sister with her big orange eyes and a pout on her face. "Puh-leeeeeease?"
"Alright, fine," her elder sister snorted. "But I don't want y'all leavin' the farm, got it?"
Applejack immediately took off, not for town but for Fluttershy's cottage. If anypony could tell her about what exactly Caboose was, it'd be her. Getting her to meet the blue giant would be something completely different.
Fluttershy's head snapped up from the cookbook when she heard a rapid pounding on her door. Who in the world would need to see her so badly? Her temperamental pet rabbit tried to force the recipe at her again, but she gently pushed the book aside.
"Not now, Angel. Somepony's at the door. We can go out and get the ingredients for your salad in a moment, okay?"
She opened the door a crack to see a very nervous Applejack standing on her front door. What reason would Applejack have to be nervous? Either she was hiding something or something absolutely dreadful must've happened on her farm.
"What's the matter, Applejack?" she said in her feathery light voice. "You look a little shaken."
"I need ya ta come ta the farm, Fluttershy. There's this...uh...big thing that Apple Bloom found out in the orchard. She's keepin' him out in the barn right now."
"Is he a bear?" she asked.
"No, he's bigger than a bear. And he's blue."
Fluttershy felt a pang of fear in her gut. A bear was the biggest thing she could think of, unless...
"A d-d..." The pale yellow pegasus swallowed the word before trying again. "D-dragon?"
"Nah, he ain't no dragon, but I ain't got a clue what he is. I figured maybe ya could tell us, seein' as ya know about animals and all."
Her eyes moved away from Applejack's. "If he's not a dragon, I don't know...I've never seen anything bigger than a dragon."
"He ain't bigger than a dragon, either. He's about, oh, I'd guess twice my brother's height, at least. And he ain't gonna hurt ya. I think he ain't bright enough to hurt ya."
"I don't know..." Fluttershy said weakly. He wasn't a dragon and he wasn't a bear, but he was friendly. Maybe meeting this thing wouldn't be so bad after all?
"I'll go," she continued. "But I have to be back soon. Angel and I were going to make a trip to the market today. He wants me to make that really big salad for him again."
"It won't take long," Applejack replied. "I just need ya to tell me if ya know what he is, then I'll be outta yer hair, alright?"
Fluttershy swallowed the lump in her throat as she stepped outside, shutting the door softly behind her. "Okay, let's go."
Caboose sat in the middle of the barn, staring wordlessly back at the small winged filly in front of him. Scootaloo examined her reflection in his bright orange visor, unblinking as she circled him once.
"What is it?" she asked.
"My name is Caboose," he said when he realized the tiny orange pony was addressing him. "What's yours?"
"I'm Scootaloo," the filly said.
"Bless you." He turned to the curious white unicorn filly sitting beside Scootaloo.
"You have a horn. You must be one of those earofcorns."
"You mean a unicorn?" she replied.
"Um...I don't know what those are, so I'm just going to nod my head and say yes. Yes."
Caboose pointed at the pegasus filly. "Kangaroo, you have wings...can you fly? Can you take me to meet Batman? That would so be so cool if you could."
It was Apple Bloom's turn to enter the barn with a cart loaded with apple confections. Apple pies, apple fritters, almost any type of apple-pastry imaginable. She wasn't sure how much Caboose could eat, so she picked up two of everything from the kitchen. Whatever he didn't touch would be left for the three of them to eat. She towed the cart over to Caboose and stopped in front of him.
"You hungry?" she asked him. "I got ya a few things just in case."
Caboose surveyed the cart and picked up a pie. He stared at it for a few seconds before promptly slamming the dessert into his face. "It's not working."
"How do y'all eat?"
He pulled the remnants of the pie off of his face, brushing away the sweet filling. "Well, usually we take our helmets off but mine's stuck so I just rub things against my face and suck it in through my vent-thingies. It doesn't always work. Do you have any cake? I want cake."
"I don't have any cake, but if ya like donuts I got ya a fritter."
"No thanks, I'm okay. But I'd still like some cake."
As Apple Bloom pushed the cart away, it was the unicorn's turn to talk.
"I'm Sweetie Belle, Caboose. It's very nice to meet you."
Caboose's reply was to pick up both fillies and hug them, pressing their faces against his still pie-coated helmet. "I was wrong about the future. Everything is so cute here, not shiny!"
"Do you hug everyone new that you meet?" Scootaloo said.
"No," he said as he put them down. "Usually they push away from me, or scream and run. I don't think people like me that much. Especially Tucker, but I don't like him either."
"We like you!" Sweetie Belle immediately chirped. "I don't see how anypony couldn't like you."
"Aww, you like me! I like me too! You guys are the best!"
The three fillies sat for a while in the hay with their big blue friend in silence. Apple Bloom found it odd how he just seemed to stare off into space. Maybe he was bored? Applejack had said that keeping him here would be best, but she couldn't stand to see him looking so...well, she had no idea how he actually looked now, but he sure wasn't laughing.
"Hey, Caboose!" she piped up. "You wanna go into town? The three of us can give ya a tour if you'd like."
"Oh, no thanks. Applesarge said to wait here until she comes back with some butterflies. She seemed nice, and I don't want to make her mad so I'm just going to stay here. I don't like girls when they're mad. They yell at me, but mostly they yell at Tucker."
"Applesarge?" Sweetie Belle repeated with confusion. "You mean her sister Applejack?"
"Does Applejack have the cowboy hat? I want a cowboy hat too. And some cake. Oh, maybe I could have a cowboy hat made of cake!"
"Look, Caboose," Apple Bloom continued. "If we go into town we can stop by Sugarcube Corner. I'm sure Pinkie Pie will have some cake for ya!"
"But I don't want pie. I want cake."
Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something, but stopped. Talking to Caboose was like trying to talk to a kindergartener, although she had yet to see him slip into some sort of tantrum.
"Okay, Caboose!" Scootaloo said with an eager flitting of her small wings. "If it's cake you want, it's cake you'll get!"
Fluttershy hovered over her earth pony friend, who since leaving her cottage had been moving at an anxious trot. She ran over the small list of details that Applejack had given her: he was blue, had an orange face, a funny voice, metal for skin and walked on two legs. The image painted in her mind certainly didn't match any creature or contraption that she'd ever come into contact with. And as much as Applejack said to her that this "Caboose" was a really nice whatever-he-was, her assertiveness to remain positive about meeting him was being dominated by her fear of how he really behaved. For all she knew, "nice" meant that he hadn't tried to break out of his cage yet.
Applejack vaulted over the fence and continued her brisk trot to the barn before sitting beside it, waiting for her gentle friend to catch up to her. All of Applejack's urgency did little to calm her quivering nerves.
"Where is he?" Fluttershy asked, the slight quaver in her voice betraying her worry.
"He's in here," Applejack said as she placed her hooves on the barn door. "It's awful quiet, though. Somethin' ain't right."
The earth pony knocked on the barn door a few times before calling out her sister's name. "Apple Bloom, y'all okay in there?"
No answer.
"Oh, no..." Fluttershy whispered. "What do you think happened?"
"I dunno what happened, but I ain't gonna just sit here!" Applejack threw open the barn door and the two ponies let out a synchronous shocked gasp.
The barn was completely empty. They could see no sign of Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, or their new cerulean friend.
"I told 'em to stay put," Applejack huffed. "I said stay right here and don't go nowhere! Those three are gonna get Caboose into a heap'a trouble, and I don't wanna be the one to clean it up! Where in the hay did Big Macintosh go? He was supposed to be keepin' an eye on all of 'em!"
"Oh my goodness! How are we supposed to find them?"
"He's a great big blue walks-on-two-legs thing. Trust me, he ain't gonna be hard to miss."
To answer Applejack's statement, a sharp scream like the wail of a banshee pierced the warm mid-morning air, emanating from the direction of Ponyville.
"Told ya so."
"I told you so," Caboose said as they approached the edge of town. "More screaming again. Nobody likes me."
Apple Bloom put a hoof on his foot, the only way she knew to show some sort of affection for him. Not to mention it was the only place she could easily reach.
"If anyone'll like you, it's Pinkie Pie!" the country filly said. "Pinkie Pie ain't never met a pony she didn't like, 'cept maybe Gilda. And you ain't lookin' like a griffon, so you'll be fine."
The once-filled streets of Ponyville had become vacant in a matter of minutes. Only heavy boots on soft dirt accompanied by three sets of tiny hooves could be heard. A few ponies gazed out of their abodes at the newcomer as they walked through town. As they rounded the corner, Caboose stopped.
"What's the matter?" Scootaloo asked. He simply stood there, staring at Sugarcube Corner.
"Wow. That's a really big gingerbread house. Can we go inside?"
Before anypony could answer him, Caboose started lumbering towards the bakery. Just as Apple Bloom caught up with him, a familiar voice called out from above.
"Hey, Big Blue And Ugly! That's far enough!" Caboose's head snapped upwards to see a cyan winged pony with a rainbow mane, emerging from the clouds and zipping towards him.
"Church?" Caboose asked. "Why do you sound like a girl? And when did you make your hair rainbow color?"
The pegasus stopped as though she'd hit a brick wall. "Wait, what?"
"Oh, of course! You're not Church, you're his sister! Why is Church's sister a pony?"
"Me? I'm Rainbow Dash!" the pegasus said. "Who's the Church guy you keep talking about? I'm not his sister!"
"You're not?" There was a slight screeching sound as Caboose scratched his fingers against his metal-coated head. "Church must have lied to me. Again. I hate when people do that."
Rainbow Dash blinked a few times and shook her head. "Anyway, take one more step and I'll buck you from here to Manehattan!"
"But Apple Flower and Kangaroo said there was cake in that gingerbread house."
Rainbow Dash looked at Caboose, then down to the three fillies at his feet, all beaming back at her with innocent smiles. She tapped her hoof against her forehead and let out a sigh.
"Fine, but if you try anything out of line, I'm giving you the kick, got it?"
"A kick? What do those taste like?"
Ten more minutes and you'll find out, the pegasus thought. She had no idea what qualified as his "face," but it wouldn't take more than a few well-aimed kicks to know.
Caboose happily walked over to the door to Sugarcube Corner and knelt beside it, trying to figure out how he could fit through such a small portal. Within seconds, a happy pink pony pushed the door open and looked up at him.
"Hi!" she said. "I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"You're not a pie, you're a pony!" Seeing as she hadn't screamed or run away, Caboose proceeded to greet her in the same manner as he'd been greeting every other pony, elliciting a slight squeak from the pony as he held her. To his surprise, she hugged him back as best she could.
"Whee!" she shouted. "I love hugs!"
"Me too! I want cake," he said for the hundredth time today. "Apple Flower said there'd be cake. Can I have your gingerbread base too?"
Pinkie Pie giggled ecstatically. "I don't think you can have the house, but I can get you all the cake you want! You know what? We should have a party!"
"A party?" Caboose asked. "Is anyone here a cleric?"
God dammit, where did that idiot wander off to now? I swear, if Caboose wandered into some top secret lab and got himself teleported to another world or something, I'll drag him back here so I can kill him myself!
Church nervously paced back and forth in the Freelancer outpost as he tried to figure out where Caboose had gone. Three hours ago, the idiotic soldier had wandered off looking for a place to take a nap, but no one had been able to find him. Finding a soldier with the IQ of less than a rock in blue armor wearing an antiquated helmet shouldn't be akin to a needle in a haystack, and yet Church had looked everywhere without finding anyone who'd seen him. Being an AI had its benefits, like the ability to jump into any security cam in the base. There was only one area that he hadn't checked: Laboratory 7A. The only place in the facility with its own closed circuit security system.
No, there's no way Caboose could've gotten into that wing. Hell if I know what they even keep there. He let out an irritated sigh. Might as well check and see if anyone in that neck of the base spotted him.
Blue Team's self-proclaimed leader followed the multitude of signs through the stark, industrial halls of the Freelancer base, stopping when the arrows led him to an elevator protected by a single guard. Probably an inept one, too. As Church took a few steps towards the elevator, the guard held up a hand.
"Sorry, sir. Authorized personnel only," the guard said in a rather by-the-book manner.
"I'm just looking for my..." Church half-choked on the next word. "My friend. He's in blue armor, wears one of the older helmets."
And probably is the dumbest thing in existence, he added.
"Oh, you mean Agent Washington's assistant?"
"What?!" Church spat before collecting himself. "I mean, yeah."
"Well, we couldn't find anything on record of anyone in blue armor, and if he's with Washington then I suppose it's cool, right? Jones let a guy like that in maybe three hours back. Can't imagine what a Freelancer would need with Slipspace tech, though. You're here to...what, may I ask?"
"I'm also one of...uh...Wash's assistants. I needed to speak with my colleague about...stuff."
It couldn't work, could it? I couldn't possibly use that excuse a second time.
"Sure thing! I'll call the elevator up and you can head down. Just try not to break anything."
In his digitized mind, Church's hand slammed against his forehead. What do you even need to qualify as a guard?
There was a loud whirring sound as a series of servos, valves, and gears all clicked into place. The doors to the elevator opened and Church stepped into the elevator, descending into the polished silver walls of 7A.
Caboose couldn't be happier, or at least that's what Apple Bloom had surmised. His face was thinly coated in a variety of frosting, crumbs, and syrups and he hadn't shut up about it all being "the best dream ever!" For the last hour, he and Pinkie Pie had been sitting in the grass, having a friendly argument about cakes and pies. The pink party pony advocated for cakes, being an expert at baking just about anything her mind could concieve. The gentle blue giant preferred the sweetness of pies, although he did admit that a pie wouldn't be a very good thing for sticking candles into. The conversation was soon interrupted by the sound of her older sister's rather upset shouting.
"Apple Bloom!" Applejack charged right at the small group of ponies, leaving the rather frightened Fluttershy back a few meters. The cowpony stopped in front of her younger sibling, eyes burning and fuming with anger.
"What did I tell you?" she bellowed. "Huh? Answer me!"
"Oh my god, what are we yelling about?!" Caboose interrupted.
"I don't know!" Pinkie shouted in response. "But yelling is fun!"
"Would you two just shut up for five minutes?!" Rainbow Dash added with a fair amount of volume. "I can't hear myself think!"
"You're absolutely sure you're not Church's sister?" Caboose asked the rainbow pegasus, who merely rolled her eyes at him. "Psst!" he hissed to Pinkie Pie. "I don't think the blue one likes me."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders all looked up at Applejack with apology etched on their faces before Apple Bloom finally spoke.
"I'm sorry sis', but Caboose was hungry! I tried to give somethin' to eat, but he wanted a cake! What was I s'posed to do, just not let him eat?"
Applejack's temper began to dissipate. "I ain't meanin' to get mad at you, but you shoulda waited for me to come back first instead of bringin' him into to town unannounced and scarin' everypony. I coulda come in and picked up a cake for him or somethin'. Now, why don't we introduce him to-"
"NO!" Fluttershy shouted, visibly shaking as she landed and held her position. "I mean, I'm f-fine over here."
Rainbow Dash zipped around behind the petrified pegasus and pushed her towards the blue biped. "Come on, Fluttershy! He's not that bad."
With her wings glued to her sides from fear, digging her hooves into the soft dirt did little to keep her friend from shoving her toward the armored being. She stopped moving when Dash had pushed her to his feet. With him seated in the grass, the powder-yellow pegasus sat just below his eye level. The two strangers stared at each other for a good five seconds before Caboose spoke.
"Hello," he said in his flat tone. "You're pretty."
Fluttershy's cheeks reddened slightly at his compliment, but it did little to settle her nerves. She managed to give him a very nerve-wracked smile.
"Aren't you gonna greet her like everypony else?" Scootaloo said.
"No. She doesn't look like she wants a hug."
"Why not?" Pinkie Pie said. "You should let him hug you! Caboose gives really good hugs! He may look all big and scary, but he's really not! Oh, and he absolutely loves cake too! And pie, he likes that too. Does anypony else want any cake?"
Fluttershy's frightened blue eyes scanned him from top to bottom before going back to her reflection in his orange faceplate. "Big...scary..."
Rainbow Dash nudged her towards him again. "Just sit down next to him, would you? Relax for once!"
The skittish pegasus shakily sat beside Caboose, who never stopped looking at her. He reached out, extending three of his five claws towards her. She let out a terrified squeak and shrank away from him, confident that he was going to hurt her, only to have her expectations shattered when they brushed through her mane.
His claws weren't sharp and pointy like a dragon's, but round, soft, and rubbery. Fluttershy had no idea what he was trying to do to her, but nothing about it seemed harmful or malicious. And as much as she hated sitting beside this thing, if he was happy instead of angry then she wouldn't argue.
"I'm not going to hurt you," Caboose said. "You're too nice to hurt. What's your name?"
"Fff..." she stammered, trying to answer him. "I...I'm F-Fluttershy..."
"Fluttershy," he repeated, the first name he'd gotten right on his first try. "That sounds like 'butterfly.'"
"Why do they call you Caboose?" she asked him, the quaver in her voice reduced but still audible.
"I don't know, that's just my name. You can ask me if you forget it."
"Okay," Fluttershy said as she managed a smile, unsure if what he said was a joke. "I can remember that, Caboose."
The doors to the elevator opened with a hydraulic hiss and Church stepped into the lab. The large room was vacant, save for a single desk loaded with what appeared to be a computer, a plethora of readouts on its screen all at zero percent. A collection of wires ran to a large machine, an engine of some sort. For an AI that should have access to a wealth of information, Church had surprisingly little knowledge about starship drives. Then again, there were a lot of things that he had little knowledge about.
You think they'd at least give me the basics so I could tell what the fuck this thing is.
"Slipspace drive is now operational," an electronic voice called out.
Or I could check the fucking computer.
He had no idea what any of the readouts meant beyond being numbers on a screen. Everything seemed normal, according to what the computer was telling him. Green bars across the board, and green never meant something bad was about to happen. He looked at the console, trying to figure out how Caboose would react to a room filled with a massive Silpspace drive and a computer with a bunch of buttons.
Here goes nothing.
Church shut his eyes and pressed a button, expecting some sort of explosion to occur. The far corner of the room lit up, illuminating a set of six machines, a mass of tubes and wires all about the size of a backpack. And by the straps on the front, Church assumed that they were designed to be worn as one.
"Uh...computer?" Church called out.
"Online, Director." the monotone female voice replied.
"What are those things over there?"
"Experimental personal Slipspace packs for the SPARTAN-IV program. These devices are designed to allow infantry to jump from one point in space to another. Tests have shown a seventy-seven success rate in short jumps of approximately five hundred kilometers, although it will be some time before they are issued to SPARTAN strike teams. Each pack is programmed with the coordinates of the previous location after a jump is completed."
"Uh-huh..." Church said. "What about jumps beyond that?"
"That is still being tested, but data shows that jumps beyond the range of five hundred kilometers have a seventy-four percent chance of failure, resulting in either landing off-target or being disintegrated upon exiting Slipspace."
"Wonderful," Church said.
"Interplanetary jumps have also been attempted," the computer continued.
"Oh, really?" he said with feigned enthusiasm. "And how did those go?"
"Results indicate a ninety-six-point-three chance of disintegration upon exiting Slipspace."
"How very reassuring."
Church walked over and took a jump pack from the shelves, hooking it into the slots on his armor usually reserved for a jetpack. For a device that was suppose to hurtle one through another dimension, it felt strangely lightweight.
Why am I even doing this? Strapping what is basically a bomb on my back to help someone I hate? What in the hell is wrong with me? Although it'd be a lot easier to bring him back that having to file all that damn paperwork...
"Hey, uh, computer?" he called out.
"Online."
"Did someone else come in here before me? He was wearing blue armor."
"Affirmative. Security records indicate that he activated the Slipspace drive."
Church waited for the voice to provide more information before continuing. "Could you tell me who they are?"
"Negative. Our records do not indicate any history of soldiers in blue armor."
"Could you at least tell me where he went?"
"Please stand by." The voice fell silent, followed by a series of beeps and buzzes. "Location unknown. Last jump coordinates have been transferred to your jump pack."
"Thanks, I guess."
A small window popped up in Church's HUD, indicating that the jump pack was ready for use. He took another look at the coordinates being displayed. The set of numbers meant nothing to him. He just wanted to go there, grab Caboose, and get back here, even though he knew full well that the soldier would cause far more damage here than where ever he was.
"Well, wish me luck," he said to the computer.
"Have a safe trip, sir."
Church stuck his middle finger in the air, directing towards the console as the jump pack began to hum to life, sending sparks of electricity down the coils in the side. A flash of white light, and in the next instant the Blue was gone.
Twilight Sparkle sat in the middle of the library surveying the last six hours of alphabetizing she'd just completed. Each and every book in the library had been pulled from the shelves, stacked, and then replaced by title. It had taken her all night, but at last she could get some rest. The lavender unicorn ascended the stairs to the bunk that she called her bedroom, and slipped between the sheets.
"Ah, what a day. Now for a little well deserved nap!"
WHAM!
Beams splintered, windows shattered, and books toppled from their places as something smashed through her roof in a cascade of leaves, shingles, and smoke. She rolled over in her bed and examined the new hole in her ceiling.
"For the last time, Rainbow Dash!" she shouted. "I don't mind you practicing your maneuvers, but it's quite invasive when they always end with you crashing into my-"
Whatever was laying on her floor now was most certainly not Rainbow Dash. A biped by the looks of it, but it looked rather odd for a biped of the Ponyville region. She didn't know of anything that had two legs and shining cobalt skin, or a strange looking saddlebag with an alarm and flashing red lights. It looked more like something out of one of those bizarre science fiction novels. The figure lay completely still, and she started to wonder if the fall had killed it.
"Hello?" she asked, her inquisitive nature overtaking any sort of fear. "Can you hear me?"
The cobalt thing groaned as it tried to move. After a moment it spoke, evidently being a male from the pitch of its voice.
The light blue stranger got on his hands and knees, still staring at the ground. Before Twilight could ask him if he was alright, he began to weave a lengthy tapestry of expletives and obscenities that would make one of Rainbow Dash's off days seem like a foal's storybook, directing a majority of them to his "jump pack," whatever that was. After about a solid ten seconds of shouting, he ended it with "fucking bullshit!"
"Hush!" Twilight said. "My assistant's still trying to sleep."
He continued. "What the fuck's with these lights and that beeping noise? For fuck's sake, turn it off!"
"What part of 'hush,' don't you understand?"
"What part?" he said as he stared at her. "How about the part where I appear a thousand feet in the fucking air because of the goddamned teleporting thing?! I could've fucking died if I had landed anywhere but on your house!"
He stopped ranting and looked up at the massive hole he'd left. "Oh, yeah..I, uh...sorry about that."
Twilight didn't answer him. She was too busy circling him like a hawk, taking in every little detail of his titanium-alloyed hide. Judging from the composition, she assumed it to be some sort of armor. Not a natural form of exoskeleton, as evidenced by the lights in the armor at various places as well as the being's polarizing visor.
"Dammit, what is this thing beeping about?!" he said as he tore the jump pack off of his back. Twilight heard a faint beep, and the biped fell silent.
"Is something the matter?" she asked.
"Well, that's perfect. That's just fucking perfect!" He proceeded to punt the jump pack into the wall, leaving a rather nice dent. "The fucking thing's broken!"
"And kicking it solves the problem, how?"
"Shut up!"
Twilight's ears folded as she backed away from the raging two-legged alien, not sure if she should try to help him fix his device or calm him down first. After another round of obscenities, he stopped for a second. The unicorn looked at him awkwardly before tip-hoofing a little closer.
"So, uh...do you have a name?"
"Church," he replied without looking at her.
"Nice to meet you, Church. My name is Twilight Sparkle."
"Who cares?" he replied. "I'm stuck on strange colorful planet with a..." He stopped talking when he turned around, and it all sank in.
"You're a unicorn."
"Uh-huh."
"You're actually a fucking unicorn."
Twilight cocked her head. "Yes. I don't see what's so hard to understand."
"You aren't real." Church said flatly.
"What are you talking about?" Twilight said. "I'm as real as you are!"
"You can't be real! First of all, you're a unicorn, and secondly you're talking! That's all sorts of fucked up! You know what? Fuck it. I don't even care anymore."
Twilight blinked at Church wordlessly again. Whatever he was, he was certainly very self-contradictory. She watched as he stood to his full height, head almost protruding through the hole in the ceiling that he'd made. Judging by her own height of six hooves, Church must've been at least eighteen hooves tall.
Eighteen? I thought only dragons and minotaurs were that size.
The two of them sat in awkward silence for a full five minutes before the light sounds of scaled feet on wood echoed through the trashed library. Spike gave a very tired "good morning" wave to Twilight before his eyes fell upon the cyan figure in the room. The small dragon blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes before letting out another yawn.
"I think I'm just going back to bed."
Church's eyes followed the dragon as he went back up the stairs. "You have a dragon, too. Where the fuck did I end up?!"
"I can answer that question!" the unicorn said. "You're in Ponyville, a village in the land of Equestria under--"
"That question was rhetorical."
"Oh, okay then."
Church crawled to the window and looked out at the empty streets, frowning at the thatched roofs and masonic buildings, all lined with hues of pink, yellow, and pale blue. "Talk about Barbie: Feudal Edition. Where is everybody anyway?"
"You mean 'everypony?'" Twilight asked.
"Everyp--...what? Forget it, forget I even asked. But yeah, the streets are all vacant. Looks like everybody's preparing for the zombie apocalypse or something."
"Everypony," Twilight corrected.
"Don't you ever shut up?"
Twilight opened her mouth to object, but stopped. It was better to humor this thing, what with its apparent anger management issues, than to argue with it. She could only hope that Rarity would have as much sense as she did to keep from antagonizing him. She went to the window that Church sat by and peered out. To her surprise, the biped was right. There wasn't a single pony in the street, considering it was such a nice day. It all seemed very reminiscent of the time Zecora came to town. Where did everypony go? And for what reason?
The questions racing through Twilight's mind ended abruptly when she heard a surprisingly firm "NO!" coming from the direction of Sugarcube Corner. And from Fluttershy, no less. As she'd been staring out the window, Church had pulled himself halfway out of the hole he'd made in the roof.
"And just where do you think you're going?" Twilight asked.
"Out to investigate. I've lost a, uh...friend of mine and I think he's here somewhere."
"Are you insane? If you go out there, you'll freak everypony out!"
"I'm in a land of rainbows and sparkles conversing with a fucking talking unicorn, and I survived falling at least a thousand feet without injury. I think it's safe to say that I'm either completely sane or I need to be institutionalized. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an idiot to find."
Fluttershy was uncertain if Caboose had been petting her for ten minutes or ten hours, but it was safe to say that Caboose was, at least as far as she could tell, completely harmless. She had just rested her head on the warmed cuisse of his armor, eyes almost shut when a loud and unfamiliar voice shook her back to reality. Her first reaction was to hide behind Caboose, peering warily over his shoulder for the source of the sound.
"Caboose!" A second stranger in lighter blue armor appeared around the corner of another building and immediately began storming towards them Twilight Sparkle stood a few paces behind him, the look on her face matching the confusion of everypony else.
"Who in the hay are you?" Applejack called out, barring his path to Caboose. She received her answer when Caboose stood up with Fluttershy still attached to his back.
"Church! You're here! Look at all the new friends I've made!"
The new stranger looked around at each of the ponies at Caboose's feet. "Yeah, whatever. Come on, we're going home."
Caboose sat back down in the circle of ponies, arms crossed as he shook his head. "No, I don't think I'm going to leave. Everyone's so nice here, and they give me so much cake! It's like everyday is my birthday but without presents, but that's okay because Pinkie gives me cake. She's nice. And so is Fluttershy."
Church tilted his head. "What did you just say?"
"I said no, I'm not going."
"Oh, don't even get started with me! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to do once we get back? First I sneak into a classified section of the Freelancer base, then I hijack what's probably a very expensive piece of military hardware designed to cross dimensions, and then I wreck this little talking horse's home..."
"Pony," Twilight corrected. "And I'm a unicorn."
"Shut up! Anyway, I do all this shit to get you and you tell me you're not coming back? Bullshit! You're coming with me and we're going home."
"Actually," the lavender unicorn cut it. "According the readout on the jump pack thing that you left in the middle of the library, you're not going anywhere until the--" She produced a piece of parchment with some scribbles on it. "-Slipspace capacitor has been replaced."
Church spun around and towered over Twilight, hands shaking in rage. "You...you just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?"
Caboose promptly picked up Pinkie Pie and hugged her. "Yay! We're staying!"
"Whee! You know what we need now?" The pink pony darted into Sugarcube Corner before returning with a small blue cannon. "A party!"
Church's hand slapped against his visor. Nothing was ever simple, was it? Some fucktard always had to throw a wrench into the plans to keep everything from going smoothly, and for once Caboose wasn't the one one tossing the aforementioned wrench.
"Dear God, just fucking kill me right now!" he shouted. "I did not come this far just to go back empty han--"
BANG!
His ranting stopped as Church was hit full in the face with a cannon ball of confetti and streamers. Every head around Caboose turned to see Pinkie Pie trotting up to the end of her cannon, blowing away the smoke trailing from the barrel before standing over the stunned and now streamer-bound Spartan.
"Are we all done being a mean meanie pants now?" she asked. Church said nothing for a while, his head reeling from the blast. "I'll take that as a yes. Now, where did that stereo go? This thing always jams when I try to--"
BLAM!
Out of the cannon popped a boombox already running a dance track. Caboose and the other ponies started dancing along to the merry tune, prompting a few of the curious inhabitants to emerge from their homes. Two small crowds began to form, one around Caboose and his new friends, the other around the spellbound Church. Twilight leaned over him, her face to his visor as she tapped his helmet with a hoof.
