Scootareader's Magnum Opus
All right, so I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about how exactly Shadow Incredible and Princess Luna are related.
They’re married. That’s how they’re related. I know, I know, Celestia is Shadow Incredible’s grandmother and all, and she’s related to Luna by blood, but after, like, two degrees of separation, you’re no longer legally related. It totally works. Trust me, I’m the author.
Anyway, so back to where we left off. Shadow Incredible is totally banging Princess Luna, right. Well, he’s too cool to use protection, because we know only dweebs care about that kind of stuff, and he’s extremely potent, being so awesome and all, so Luna invariably gets pregnant.
Luna can’t be fat or anything , so she uses her alicorn magic to transfer her foal to Twilight, who’s got nothing better to do. Shadow Incredible, while somewhat unhappy with Luna’s choice of surrogate, is still thankful that he doesn’t have to deal with that “Auntie Pinkie Pie” bullshit. That was Luna’s second choice, too. Luna can’t make as awesome of choices as our great protagonist.
Now, you’re wondering where shit starts getting crazy. Oh, right about... now!
So, the alicorn foal comes out of Twilight, right. And Luna looks at the foal, and she says, “This is the perfect hybrid of my incredible husband and I. We shall name him Shadow Luna.”
Then, the foal talks. He just came out of Twilight. Twilight! And he can already talk. He’s making up for his substandard surrogate already. “Look, Mom, that’s gay and all, but I’m totally not gay. I’ll pick my own name, all right?”
Luna, shocked that her son would propose such a rebellious thing right out of the womb, says, “We shall allow no such thing!”
The newborn alicorn just puts on a pair of sunglasses and says, “My name is Scootareader.”
That’s when Shadow Incredible talked. “This is my son, and I will love him, no matter his differences. I love you, Scootareader.” He wiped a manly tear from his eye. Such an incredible father.
Okay, so the burning question here is: How does this pony know how to talk? I know that’s what you were thinking. I am the author, after all.
Well, see, I live in Equestria now. Like, I’m actually currently in Equestria. I live with my super hot mom, Princess Luna, and my awesome dad, Shadow Incredible. I know, you’re all jealous, but that’s just how things are. Better get used to it.
This is an origin story for me. It’s a re-telling of my first few days in Equestria, and how Shadow Incredible and I became an inseparable father and son. All based on a true story, but I may embellish things a little.
Now, the next question here is: How did I get to Equestria? Well, there I was, thinking up an idea for the third fic in the Darkness Awesome and Shadow Incredible saga, when suddenly, there was a bully from school knocking down my door.
Now, you guys know that I, Scootareader, can’t be some pasty-skinned nerd that lives with his parents and gets most of his workout from typing messages in World of Warcraft. Well, see, I’m not. I have bronze-colored skin and I look like Arnold Schwarzenegger but with muscles that don’t look like bubbles. I’m really beefy and so tan the Jersey Shore guys are envious.
So, this bully is like, “lol I’mma kick ur ass.”
I raise my hand to strike this guy, but then I’m like, “You’re not even worth my time.”
The bully is like, “You’re right, I’m not.” And he walks away.
Then, all of a sudden, I’m sucked backwards into a portal that spits me out of Luna’s womb. I’m too awesome to be birthed by Twilight.
So, Shadow Incredible is more than excited to have this fiercely independent new son. Luna, his wife, is a little unsure at first. Try as he might to reassure her, she’s still a little afraid of the new addition to their family.
Scootareader, of course, knows how to reassure Luna. “Look, mom, I didn’t ask to have you as my mom, and you didn’t ask to have me as your son. We’re family, though. We’ll have to get along eventually, so why not now?”
Luna bursts into tears. “We love you, Scootareader! We are so sorry for our callousness!”
Scootareader smiles. “It’s okay, it’s fine now. We just need to be a family unit, and I can’t stand to be part of an unhappy family.”
Shadow Incredible laughs and says, “So, we’re a family again! I’m overjoyed my son is so wise and intelligent beyond his years. Luna, how about some dinner?”
Luna bows and bustles off to make dinner, knowing her role as a female member of the household. This leaves Shadow Incredible and Scootareader standing alone in the living room.
“I know what you’re thinking, Scootareader,” comes Shadow Incredible’s ominous portent.
Scootareader retorts, “So, stop me.”
Shadow Incredible laughs at his son’s antics. “Oh, please, I want to go adventuring with you. To, uh, make sure you’re safe.” But Scootareader knows he just wants to go because he wants to bond with Scootareader. Quite unlike what Darkness Awesome wanted to do with his son, and quite unlike what Scootareader’s biological father wanted to do with his son. At least Shadow Incredible is my real dad now.
Scootareader smiles, then they eat Luna’s lovingly prepared dinner and get outta that place to go adventuring.
So, their wandering hooves take them first to Canterlot, where there’s a changeling invasion. Shadow Incredible lets Scootareader take care of everything himself. Scootareader single-hoofedly beats the asses of every single changeling there, then he gets to the end and totally bangs Queen Chrysalis. He’s so potent that his genes cross species and Chrysalis has this awesome pony-changeling hybrid that, were this not the final story in this series, would totally be the subject of the next story.
After saving Canterlot, Scootareader, of course, needs to go see his grandma Celestia, who’s gotten old and batty. He walks into the castle and sees her, all hunched over and with a giant grey beard and a false eye. The decrepit ruler bows to Scootareader, saying, “O great savior of our nation and champion of all ponies Scootareader, I wish to bestow upon you the right to overrule any decision I make in Equestria and assume control over any and all aspects of the kingdom at all times as you see fit.”
Scootareader replies, “You know what... I will do that. Thanks, grandma.” He’s so awesome, he even respects his elders.
Then Luna comes in and is like, “Scootareader, we were very impressed with your performance! Now, perchance we will experience thine performance in bed?”
Scootareader, of course, can’t turn down the hottest princess, plus she’s not related to him. So, he’s like, “Fuck yeah.”
After they bang, Scootareader finds Shadow Incredible, who is making amends with Princess Celestia after they’ve been feuding for so long, and how Scootareader has become their bridge to a second chance at truly becoming happy again. Scootareader only blushes and says, “I’m just doing what’s right for everyone.” He’s so modest.
Scootareader and Shadow Incredible take off from Canterlot again, then Shadow Incredible is captured by diamond dogs. Scootareader busts into the cave and announces, “I’m here to save you, dad!”
The diamond dogs are all like, “No, run away from the awesome pony!” and “We stand no chance!” but Scootareader doesn’t listen to their taunting and literally shoves their heads into their asses. That’s what they get for screwing with his dad, and maybe they’ve learned their lesson this time. Scootareader just saunters out of the cave like a total badass, his dad following behind and shocked at just how awesome of a stallion he helped create.
Then, Discord comes along and tries to trip him.
Scootareader isn’t gonna put up with this kinda shit, even from someone as cool as Discord, so he socks Discord in the face. Not even limitless powers born of chaos can save Discord from a hoof to the face provided by Scootareader.
Discord, of course, feels awful about being such a dick and apologizes profusely. Scootareader says, “Look, just stop being such a dick.” Discord agrees to this and leaves before Scootareader decides to not be so generous.
Then Gilda comes up to him and is like, “Look, I’m sorry, I just wanted to be cool so that you’d notice me.”
Scootareader is like, “It backfired,” but he’s never been inside a griffon before, so he totally banged her.
Gilda thanks Scootareader for his generosity and leaves, then Trixie comes up and says, “I only became a street performer to show you how talented I am.”
Scootareader replies, “There’s only one place you need to be talented,” followed by a wink that causes her to faint. Then, he bangs her.
Trixie then leaves. No sooner does she disappear from sight that Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight all come up and are like, “We’re all royalty, but we need foals, and only your seed is worthy of being in us.” Scootareader bows to all of them, then he bangs all of them at once.
Shadow Incredible is applauding the entire time. He is cheering his son’s sexual prowess with clichéd slogans such as, “That’s my boy!” “Yeah, you show her who’s the dominant one here!” and “Wait... isn’t that my wife?”
Scootareader doesn’t need to be validated by his father, but he appreciates the praise all the same. He and his dad then continue on with their journey, taking them to Manehattan, where they meet up with Applejack’s relatives, Aunt and Uncle Orange.
Aunt Orange is totally bangin’, so Scootareader asks Uncle Orange, “So, what do you do for work?”
Uncle Orange replies, “I trade stocks.”
Scootareader nods, then tells him, “I’m Scootareader.”
Uncle Orange bows his head in defeat, then professes, “I’d never feel right if I stayed with my wife, knowing you deserver her far more than I do. Go ahead, I’d be honored if you’d totally bang my wife.”
Scootareader totally obliges.
All right, so, I’ve shown you all the good stuff about Scootareader, right? I mean, he’s absolutely incredible. But, well, he’s just like every pony—he has character flaws.
So, in the paragraph following this one, I’ll be telling you every single flaw that Scootareader has. Get ready, because your mind will be blown at just how much like us he really is.