Zangief Spinning Piledrives some poor bastard into Equestria, and now the Gief must get home.
* During the final match of the World Warrior tournament, Zangief a.k.a. The Red Cyclone accidentally Spinning Piledrives himself into a portal that redirects to the Magical Land of Equestria. However, he soon finds that he is not the only person who has gained access to this strange world. What strange adventures will befall the Red Cyclone in his quest to return home? *Featured on Equestria Daily :D
Today’s Forecast is Cloudy with a Chance of a Red Cyclone Suplexing Bears.
Discaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong to Capcom.
Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers From The Sky
By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
Round 1: Today’s Weather is Cloudy with a Chance of a Red Cyclone Suplexing Bears.
North America: World Warrior Tournament
“Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” The chant resounded through the arena, as the spectators waited with fervent anticipation for the fight of the century. In one corner of the ring stood an obscene massive muscular monster of a man wearing nothing but a red speedo and matching boots, a gold belt, and a smile. The hair on his head had been shaved into a mohawk, while the hair on his shins gave off the impression that he had been kneeling on ferrets fifteen minutes prior the match. This man was none other than Zangief the Red Cyclone, a national hero in his native land of Soviet Russia, and at the moment he lumbered his way towards the center of the ring in preparation to properly greet his opponent.
“Hello comrade.” The giant grinned as he stomped his way to the center of the ring, his hand outstretched in a gesture of sportmanship. “Come, let us have a fun and fair fight!”
The blue-gi clad man who stood adjacent from Zangief merely spat on the ring and slapped the giant’s hand away. “Fun? Fair? What are you, five years old? You must be as stupid as you are large. Heh, This’ll be an easier victory than I thought.”
Zangief was none too enthralled to have his offer of friendship declined by an incredibly rude and disrespectful individual, and it showed in the Red Cyclone's face as his smile faded into a scowl befitting of a brute. Zangief had originally been looking forward to enjoying a simple passionate clash of true warriors befitting of Valhalla, but it seemed that he would have to settle for teaching a stuck up brat some manners via face-to-floor style instruction.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Final Round of the World Warrior Tournament!” The announcer's voice cut through the tension like a hot scimitar through sheep’s wool, garnering the attention of the audience, however the two combatants on the dais continued to glare at each other as they eagerly awaited the starting bell. “In the right corner, standing five feet ten inches, weighing in at one hundred and ninety five pounds, from parts unknown, we have the phoenix fist master: Sen!” The audience roared forth with tremendous applause, but Sen seemed to pay it no mind.
“In the left corner, hailing all the way from Siberia, Russia, standing at a raw seven feet and weighing in a two hundred and fifty four pounds, he’s a national hero in his home country and a long-time tournament veteran! Ladies and gentlemen please give it up for the Red Cyclone, the grizzly bear menace, the king of Russian Wrestling: Zangief!” If the audience had cheered for Sen, they absolutely erupted for Zangief, and the outburst managed to put the grin back on the Russian’s face. His body was ready.
“Are you ready fighters?” Zangief cracked his knuckles and hunched himself low with his open hands a foot away from his face, while his opponent on the other hand, crossed his arms and spat on the ring again.
"Triumph or Die!” A bell sounded off in the background but it was quickly drowned out in a torrential roar from the crowd as Zangief took off sprinting towards Sen, who had had not changed his stance whatsoever.
Writing Sen’s behavior off as just an easy win, Zangief reeled his right arm back, clenching his fingers into a massive wrecking ball of a fist that he hurled at Sen’s head with herculean might.
“Heh, is that the best you can do?” Sen jerked his head to the side, allowing Zangief’s fist to sail harmlessly through the air, before spinning around and delivering a mighty side kick into the giant’s gut.
The blow elicited a strained “Gwoh!” from Zangief as he dropped his guard and doubled over in pain.
Sen on the otherhand was relentless in his follow-up as he began showering Zangief's body with a flurry of punches. “You’re wide open!” Sen drew his fist back as far as his body would allow him, before driving it into Zangief’s completely exposed face. Upon making contact, Sen shouted at the top of his lungs “Phoenix Flare!” and burst of blue flames erupted forth from his clenched hand, blasting Zangief towards the other side of the ring.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I can’t believe my eyes! It appears that I may have been too hasty when I said this would be an easy win for the Red Cyclone. It looks as though Sen may just give Zangief a run for his money!”
Zangief bounced and skidded along the ground before his weight combined with the coarse surface of stone arena dragged him to a halt. “For the love of borscht...” The giant muttered as he picked himself unsteadily off the ground.
“I’m not through yet!” Sen shouted as he began sprinting full charge at Zangief. The martial artist leapt into the air and cried “Peregrine Fall!” as he shifted his momentum into his feet, enforcing his falling power ten-fold. Sen focused his attack at Zangief’s head, but was taken off guard as the giant stared directly at him, a grin slowly spreading across his features. Zangief had been waiting for this, and Sen took the bait.
“There’s no escape!” Zangief shouted as he sprung to his feet and leapt into the air, his hands outstretched in anticipation. The behemoth took the full brunt of Sen’s kick, but ignored the pain, taking advantage of just how vulnerable his opponent was at the moment. Zangief grabbed the collar and belt of his opponent’s gi, and using them as leverage, jerked Sen towards the ground hard.
“It appears that Zangief has turned the tables in his favor folks, and Sen is completely at the mercy of Zangief. Oh what an upset!”
“Well, where is your arrogance now friend!?”
“Ughh... when I get up I’m gonna kick your—”
“Get up!? Ha! There is no recovery for you!” Zangief reached down, grabbed Sen by his hair, and lifted the martial artist up until Sen’s face was level with Zangief's diamond-shaped patch of chest hair.
“Fight fans, I can’t tell what’s going on, but...” Zangief manuvered Sen in his grip so that he was holding Sen around the waist with both arms, so that they both faced the same direction. “No he couldn’t possibly...” Zangief removed one arm from around Sen, and pointed a single finger to the sky “He is! Zangief is going to finish this fight right now with his signature combination! We're in for one helluva show folks!”
Zangief secured his arm around Sen’s waist again and emitted a shout that possessed such passion it would rebound for miles upon light-years, violating the law of physics as it blew past a planet inhabited entirely by sentient four legged creatures “FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!”
“Come on true believers, you know what this is and you know what to do! Shout it altogether with me now!”
“Ultimate!” The audience cheered in tandem with Zangief, who hoisted Sen into the air, and arched his body backwards, ensuring that Sen’s head made a devastating “Thunk!” as it came into contact with the ground.
“Atomic!” The crowd was still in impeccable sync with the titan’s own wording, as Zangief recovered from his position quickly, and grabbed Sen by the neck and by the belt of his gi. He then picked Sen straight up and then slammed his opponent’s back straight down onto his knee. The crack of bone could be heard as Sen’s body arched and conformed to the shape of the Russian’s knee. Zangief wasn’t done with Sen quite yet however. The giant hurled Sen into the air as I high a he could, and jumped up to catch his prey in an eagle like grip, ensuring that Sen’s head was as unpleasantly placed into Zangief’s crotch as possible. Zangief began to spin his body while twisting Sen’s in a tornado-like motion, which sent the barreling towards the ground below.
The audience shouted “Buster!” as Zangief hit the ground, or rather when he passed through a meticulously placed portal that had appeared on the ground during his time in the air, while the now unconscious Sen impacted the ground head first before bouncing once and laying ever still on the stadium floor. The audience fell into a confused silence almost instantly as they gawked at the stage before themselves, more specifically, the empty Spot where a mammoth, hairy Russian man should have been standing.
“Umm... well... uh ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to count this, but it appears that due to Zangief’s sudden disappearance, Sen will be declared the winner.”
The audience was silent for a only a moment longer, before Sen stood up very dazed and confused before he stumbled and tripped onto his face falling unconscious again. In the silence only one man could be heard cheering “Sen! Sen! Sen! Yeah, go Sen! Sen! Sen... Sen...” before the gazes of his peers forced him into an shamed-filled and friendless silence.
Unknown Location: Forest Clearing
There was nothing but blackness, and the sensation of a natural, comforting warmth as Zangief lay unconscious. Only a moment later there was a soft pleasant tickling sensation, followed by a sweet but demure scent akin to wild flowers. The not entirely unpleasant disturbance went as quickly as it had come, and the giant’s sleeping mind wrote it off as nothing but a figment of his imagination.
A moment later he heard some muffled whispering, but wrote this off as part of the dream as well, and resumed his slumber. It wasn’t until he heard a full on ear-piercing female shriek that he jerked into the waking world. As his vision returned to him, he sat up and observed his surroundings, but was confused by what he saw: scorched rocks and charred dirt that were slightly aglow with light from what appeared to be the early afternoon sun. Zangief looked around a little more before he realized that he was sitting in a hole, or more accurately a crater about the size of his body if not more. The shriek resounded again, and Zangief sprang into action as he stood up and pulled himself out of the crater. His sight was filled with the scenery of a forest filled with flora and fauna he’d never seen before, at least none that he readily recognized. After a quick scan of the area, his eyes fell upon the most likely source of the scream: a small girl with what appeared to be pink hair wrapped in a yellow robe cowering before a huge grizzly bear comparable to the bears in Russia.
Needless to say Zangief darted towards the bear with the speed of a bullet, and he slammed his mass into the bear, sending the beast sprawling away from the girl. “You will not harm a hair on this child’s head in the presence of...” Zangief took a moment to flex his bloated muscles in a sentai hero pose before resuming his battle cry. “Zangief, the Red Cyclone of Russia!”
The meek voice of the girl from behind could be heard as Zangief adjusted his placement so he could better defend himself against the bear. “Excuse me sir, but—”
“There is no need to thank me little girl, I wrestle bears back in my home country for practice, this will be no problem!”
“Oh, I think you’re misunderstanding the situation, you see—”
Zangief waved off the girl’s concerns with one massive hand “There will be plenty of time for talk after I have saved you little girl! Now, come at me, bear!” Zangief ran at the now recovering bear with his outstretched forearm trailing behind him. As he was within point blank range he threw his forearm into the bear’s throat, and followed through, slamming the creature into the ground.
“Oh my, this isn’t going well at all... umm... sir, could you please stop attacking that bear? I’d be most—”
“Bear! You will now learn why no-one ever attacks a woman or child in my presence!” Zangief grabbed the bear’s hind legs tightly, and began to spin around in place slowly, the animal’s body involuntarily following suit.
“Sir, could you please stop spinning like that I’d—”
The Russian Wrestler was now spinning with the speed of a hurricane, and the bear began to look ill and dizzy. “Dooorya!!!!” Zangief cried as he swung the bear downwards and up before tossing the creature, bodily, deep into the forest. If there were any witnesses to his feat, they would have claimed that he tossed the bear an impressive fifty meters. “Are you alright, little girl?” Zangief asked as he turned around to properly tend to the child he just saved. He found that she was hiding behind a tree, peeking at him nervously
“I’m fine, thank you for asking, but I wasn’t actually in any danger.”
“Not in any danger? Bwhaha! I admire your courage little girl, but there’s no need to put on such a brave face, that bear was—”
“A friend.”
“What?”
“I brought that bear with me, to help move you from that crater you were buried in. I’m not very strong myself, so I asked him to help move you.”
“Asking bears for help? How is that even possible?”
“Well, it is kind of my special talent,” the girl said as she nervously stepped from behind the tree.
Zangief did a double take as the girl he saved came into sight, and revealed herself to be anything but human. The creature before Zangief was unlike anything he’d ever seen or slammed into the ground. He’d seen horses before, but none that were yellow and pink in color, or that had butterfly tattoos on their flanks. Even stranger about the tiny horse before him was the fact that she had what appeared to be wings jutting out of her sides. The Russian was so taken aback by the creature before him, that when she spoke again, his thought process along with his body froze out of shock.
The horse then proceeded to extend and lightly flap the wing-shaped protrusions on its side, taking flight as well as any remaining sense that Zangief had recovered from acknowledging that a horse was talking with him. Not communicating, but talking.“Umm, are you okay? Hello?” The yellow horse began waving a hoof in front of Zangief’s face, but the dumbfounded giant could only stare forth blankly.
“Get away from Fluttershy, you monster!” demanded a fast approaching voice from behind Zangief.
“Rainbow Dash, no!” Fluttershy’s warning was a day late and a bit short as she watched Rainbow Dash fly straight into the back of the creature’s head, knocking the thing face-first into the forest floor. “Rainbow Dash, why did you do that? He wasn’t attacking me!”
“Are you kidding me, look at that thing! Why if I weren’t here that...” Rainbow Dash gave the unconscious creature a once over before returning to Fluttershy. “...whatever the hay it is might have tried to eat you alive!”
“I don’t think so, he kept talking about saving me.”
“Yeah, saving you for dinner I’m willing to bet. Come on, let’s drag this thing to Twilight, she might know what it is, and then we can figure out what to do with it. Besides that, there's been ursa sightings in the area, and I don't think we want to run into any of those right now.”
"Oh, dear, ursas? I hope that they don't blah blah, show up, blah, ponyville, blah blah"
Zangief’s mind couldn’t keep up with what going on anymore as the conversations between the yellow creature and its companion turned to gibberish and white noise in his ears, and his mind drifted back into the blackness. He didn’t know where he was or how he got there, but at the moment, his mind demanded rest and some time sort out everything that had just transpired. The last thing he felt before he lost all consciousness completely was the the soft pull of furry legs grabbing him and hoisting him into the air.
Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong to Capcom.
Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers
By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
Round 2: Welcome To Ponyville, We Have Issues!
North America: Site of Zangief’s Disappearance
The site of the most recent world warrior tournament was as empty as it had always been in the non-tournament season. The only signs of life in the facility now were six cloaked shady individuals that advanced through the facility unhindered by the meager security, who had been granted a permanent leave of absence. “Are you sure this is where the energy readings originated?” The plainly worded inquiry had been voiced by a cleft chinned man clad in a caped, red military uniform of his own design.
“Y-yes, Master Bison, a-absolutely certain, sir. It would only be logical for this area to have given off the reading sir. The time of the energy spike matches closely with the time that Zangief disappeared from the world stage. We’ve also—” The man was silenced by a wave of M. Bison’s hand.
“That is all I needed. I believe my associates and I can handle it from here. You’re excused, Dr. Birkin.”
“But Master, I—”
A fierce glare emanating from beneath the hood of one of Bison’s men startled Dr. Birkin back into silence. “Look here chump, you’d best listen to da boss and go, before I pulverize ya!”
“Balrog.” The moment Bison uttered his name, the cloaked man quickly surrendered his violent demeanor as he awaited further instruction. “Use your words.”
“Rrrggg... go.”
The scientist didn’t need to be told twice, he’d seen what Bison did to uncooperative flunkies, and he certainly didn’t care to join their ranks.
Once Birkin was out of ear-shot, Bison turned to another cloaked figure whose face was hidden by a mask. “See to it that Dr. Birkin never reaches that gate. Then return posthaste.”
“At once, Master.” The figure bowed in compliance before leaping off after his new quarry, yodelling.
“You humans, are you always so delightfully eccentric?” asked another of the cloaked accomplices. This one had the build of a man, but the presence of some completely different amalgamation altogether.
“What the hell did you just call me!?” Balrog bellowed at the chimaeric presence.
“Calm down you bull-headed idiot,” it was a female’s voice this time. “He called you eccentric. It means flashy and over the top.”
“Who are you calling an idiot!?”
“Uhh... you.” The female lazily rose one her hands from beneath the cloak and pointed at Balrog.
“Come here and say that to my face!”
“How about I let my foot do the talking for me?”
“Juri, Balrog, that’s enough! Settle this little grudge match on your own time,” barked Bison.
The feuding pair glared at each other before turning away with a huff.
“Whatever," snorted Balrog.
“Fine, I’ll kill him later,” Juri sighed, rolling her eyes.
“Awww... I was enjoying their constant bickering,” the inhuman presence whined.
“I think you’d better worry about re-opening that portal, before I decide to end you by my own hand,” Said Bison
“Ooohhh, a tough guy.” The figure waved his hands in front of himself in mock fear. “Look out everypony we’ve got a bad-flank over here!” Only Juri chuckled at the outsider’s mockery of her boss.
Bison on the otherhand, was much less amused and it showed in his reaction. His pupil-less eyes flashed a fierce shade of purple, and his hands began to glow with a violent aura of the same color. “Open it, or die.”
“Oh cool your jets, I was only having some fun at your expense. Besides, you don’t want to wake up my neighbor do you? ” said the enigma. “I’m opening it now.” With a wave of his hands, the surrounding air began to condense drastically, as if it were all being drawn to a singular point. In a matter of moments, the airspace ahead of the enigma took on a translucent shade of black, and began crackling with electricity as an image of a forest came slowly into focus. “I’d suggest that we move now, this thing won’t stay open too long.”
“Very well then, let’s go.”
“But, boss, what about Vega? Ain’t he still dealin’ with that Birkin guy?”
“No need to fret. I’m right here.” The masked assassin approached the group, his claw hanging out of his cloak sleeve, glistening with the blood of the late Dr. Birkin.
“Oh, great. Another dead weight weakling tags along,” Juri teased.
“You know, you’d be a lot more pleasing to the eye if your mannerisms weren’t so ugly,” Vega taunted as he walked into the portal with Balrog.
“Pffft, whatever you dandy,” Juri spat as she followed her companions into the void.
M. Bison moved to enter the portal himself, but stopped to address the maintainer of the portal. “I have only one thing to say to you before we embark on this journey.”
“Whatever it is you want to say, can’t you say it on the other side of the portal, Bison? This isn’t exactly the easiest spell to maintain.”
Bison ignored him. “Do not betray my hospitality, and do not go back on our deal. I gave you that body—”
“And it’s an absolute nightmare to inhabit,” The cloaked figure interjected, as it struggled to keep the spell active.
“I’ve given you this chance to return home, and reclaim what once was yours—”
Grimacing the figure struggled to spit out his next rapidfire response “And I’m absolutely grateful for the opportunity, but if you could please just go through so I can drop this spell, I’d be more than—”
“And I’ve given you my personal assistance in this matter. Do not betray me, or you will live to regret it.”
“Fine, fine, fine, I promise, just go!”
“Hmph.” With a flourish of his cape, M. Bison strode off arrogantly into the portal.
The exhausted caster of the spell took a moment to catch his breath before uncrossing his fingers and entering the portal himself. “Should have made me Pinkie Pie promise, you nitwit.” He chuckled to himself as he hopped giddily after his ward. Moments later the gateway dissipated, leaving no trace that it had ever existed.
Unknown Location: Hollowed Out Tree
Beep... Beep... Beep... Every third second, like clockwork, the sound would penetrate the veil of unconsciousness that was Zangief’s dreamless sleep. Beep... Beep... Beep... As it resounded, it caused the sleeping giant to wince. Until this point, it was a white noise in the background, failing to bother him in the slightest, but as he shifted from one stage of sleep to a deeper one, the sound somehow broke through his mental guard. Beep... Beep... Beep... It was seriously getting annoying at this point. Zangief sat up, and the world slowly fell back into focus for him.
While he wasn’t sure exactly where he was, the setting was all too familiar for someone of his profession: a hospital room. The white curtain separating his bed from the rest of the room, the I.V. drip placed in his forearm, the electrocardiogram with its relentless beeping, and a plate of lukewarm vegetables resting on a table by his side. A sudden migraine sent his memories flooding back in flashes. Images of the tournament, tossing a bear, a small talking yellow horse, intimidating a small child out of a line in a Baskin Robins, and issuing death threats to a bikini wax-salesman in a local mall all rushed in at once and the groggy wrestler struggled to make sense of it all. The rhythmic Beep... Beep... Beep... cleared his mind and brought his train of thought back on track. With a frown, he rationalized that he must have lost the tournament so badly that he had to be dragged off to a hospital, and the dream with talking horse and the bear must have been a coping mechanism to help him deal with the loss. His brain sure was considerate to try and comfort him in his time of need. He reasoned that he’d have to get it a present later to say thanks.
Gurgle... Zangief’s stomach reminded him that he had probably been out for at least a day, and his attention turned to the steamed vegetables. While he was hungry enough to eat a horse and would have killed for some meat, he’d have to settle on the plate that was so generously provided for him, and settle he did. He dug through the meal with only minor interruptions, but those were only to observe some of the more interesting culinary selections that the chef had generously provided. The circumference of the plate had been decorated with apple slices, while underneath a leaf of lettuce he found a pair of cherry tarts and a fried egg. While there were a few more interesting discoveries made throughout his culinary ordeal, the most interesting by far was the small ruby he’d mistaken for a cherry tomato. Thinking nothing of it, he placed the ruby to the side assuming that it was just a piece of decoration provided by the hospital.
When he completed his meal, he gently grabbed the I.V. in his arm and tore it out. Without missing a beat he backhanded the ECG with such force that it cracked upon the wood flooring as he pulled himself out of the tiny bed he had been granted to rest on. He tore through the curtains that separated himself from the rest of the room and the hospital illusion fell apart quickly. He stood in a modestly sized library, but there were overt hints about the room that it housed more inhabitants than mere books. A much more comfortable bed than his own, with a basket at its foot told the story of a single parent and child, while a pile of uncracked tomes next to a stack of parchments with fresh ink slowly drying upon them spoke of a dedicated researcher. A nerd even.
Without any further lingering, Zangief located the stairs that descended into the lower level of the house, and set off in search of his gracious host, so that he might give them thanks. As he drew nearer and nearer to the ground level, he could hear female voices chattering on idly, but he could not decipher their conversation from this distance, thus he pressed on and their voices drew clearer and clearer. “—look, all I’m saying is you could have been a bit more subtle about dragging something that huge thing into my house. I’m glad you brought it straight to me, but just think of the uproar that could have ensued if anyone else had seen it.”
“Sheesh, take a chill pill egghead. No one else saw us, so there’s nothing to worry about.” This voice was brash and somewhat cocky. There was definitely a lot of life in this woman.
“Ugh, you’re missing the point, Rainbow Dash! I don’t even know what that thing is! I’ve torn apart every almanac, encyclopedia, and reference book I have on bipedal creatures and the only things that come close are minotaurs and apes, but that thing is certainly not either,” explained the one Zangief assumed was this 'egghead' character.
A much softer voice interjected egghead’s ranting, and there was something fmiliar about this one. “Well I don’t know if this helps, but he kept saying he was a cyclone.”
“Fluttershy, a cyclone is large body of air moving in a circular motion,” said egghead. “I highly doubt that thing upstairs is a large windstorm. I also don’t think it’s going to be too fond of you shaving off its chest mane, Rarity.”
Zangief took a moment to scratch his chest only to find that his glorious diamond chest patch had been stripped from his flesh. He’d have to have some words with this 'Rarity' woman.
“Well, what was I supposed to do, leave that horrible crime against fashion on there?”
“Yes... maybe... I don’t know!”
“Maybe y’all ought to calm down sugarcube, you’re gettin’ all worked up over nothin’ I’m sure.”
“Over nothing? Over nothing? Applejack, There is an unknown species of creature upstairs, in my room and you’re telling me not to worry?”
“I’m tellin’ you to calm down!” Applejack rebutted.
♫“Calm down, calm down, turn that frowny face around!”♫
“Pinkie Pie, are you even trying with your songs anymore?” Rainbow Dash asked. Zangief took a moment to remark on how odd the names he’d heard up to this point sounded, but never being one to judge, Zangief shirked the thought as he stepped off the staircase and turned the corner only to find several of the talking horses from his dream immersed in conversation.
“Pfft, yeah! I spent an entire hour writing that one!” Writing. These things wrote. How was it possible for horses to write?
“If that’s all you got after an hour, you might want to try spending a day on it next time.”
“A whole day, huh? Well, I could always tap into the non-decaf coffee, but you remember what happened last time.”
“Gah!” Egghead had made the outburst. “It’s hard to focus on that thing upstairs—”
“Uh, Twilight, It’s right here actually,” Pinkie Pie pointed out, having been the only one to notice Zangief’s presence. Her statement quickly drew the attention of her friends to the elephant in the room so to speak.
Six pairs of curious eyes studied him, and made him slightly nervous. He’d gotten over the fact that there were in fact small colorful talking horses standing just in front of him, and accepted that the events from earlier were in fact not a dream. The thing he hadn’t gotten used to though was how he was the alien in this situation. With a wave of one of his giant hands, Zangief attempted to establish a line of communication with his four-legged caretakers. “Uh... privyet?” As he waved, the white horse swooned and swayed for a moment before collapsing into a crumpled heap on the floor, and a moment later, a red velvet couch in a blue aura slid across the floor, and struck her in the back of the head sliding the mare an inch or two along the ground. Zangief opened his mouth to say something, but wasn’t even sure how to react to what just transpired.
“Um, hi,” said the purple horse with a horn jutting from her head. After another moment of stunned silence, she shook her head, composed herself and prepared to break the ice. Raising a hoof to her chest, the horned horse boldly introduced herself. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, I’m a unicorn from Canterlot.” Unicorn. Of course she was a unicorn. What was she going to do next, magic? “If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions.” Twilight’s horn suddenly began to glow, as she levitated a quill and a parchment in front of her. She was doing magic. Zangief rubbed his temple and silently resolved to question nothing else these equines did. He would just accept everything as fact.
“Dah, go ahead.”
“All right, question number one, what’s your name?”
A sudden swell of confidence erupted in Zangief’s chest, and a gleam exploded from his eye. If there was one thing he took absolute pride in, it was introducing himself by title and stage name. A sudden jolt of energy shot through his muscles, inspiring him to flex his massive biceps over his head. “I am Zangief!” He shifted his flexing pose again, this time hardening both his abs and chest as he flexed his arms downward as though he were squeezing a beach ball. “The Red Cyclone!” With his last pose, he knelt down and extended his right arm while curling his left. “And the Protector of Russia’s Skies!”
Twilight didn’t so much as bat an eyelash at his display, instead choosing to focus on archiving every word that came out of his mouth.“Pro...tec....tor... of Russia’s.... skies. Got it.” At that moment, the leg of the passed out white unicorn began twitching involuntarily.
“Is that one alright?” Zangief asked.
“Oh, that’s just Rarity being over dramatic as usual,” Said the blue winged horse with the hyper chromatic mane as she laid down on the red couch and propped her feet on Rarity’s flank “Anyway, I’m Rainbow Dash, the fastest pegasus in Equestria, and the pony who totally laid you out in the forest. If you try anything, and I mean anything, I won’t hesitate to give a repeat performance if you catch my drift.” Something about this pegasus’ bravado reminded the Red Cyclone of a certain blonde-haired red-gi’d American martial artist. It was too early for him to determine whether or not that was a good thing.
The pony he recalled from the forest took this opportunity to speak now. “Hi, I’m Fluttershy, you threw my bear friend into the forest remember?”
“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Zangief, name’s Applejack.” The orange pony wearing a cowboy hat of all things offered a hoof to Zangief, and he shook it without hesitation.
Zangief noticed that the pink horse had only been wordlessly staring at his waist the entire time even though she looked to be the most outgoing of the six. “Can I help you with something gospozhá?”
“Say, Mr. Cyclone, what’s with that funny looking balloon you’ve got right there?”
“Balloon?”
“Yeah, it looks all deflated and floppy.” The pink one pointed a hoof at his waist and when Zangief looked down he came to sudden mortifying realization. As he realized that the whole time he’d been naked, he was suddenly paralyzed by shame. “I wonder if it would get any bigger if I blew into it. Maybe then I could bend it into a giraffe!” He was paralyzed by shame, there was a small pink horse walking towards him, mouth open, and there wasn’t a thing his conscious mind would allow him to do about it.
Applejack having dealt with farm animals her whole life, possessed an intimate if general knowledge of the anatomy of non-pony creatures. As such, she recognized Zangief’s “member” as being an male anatomical construct known by many, many words, none of which were balloon. Acting quickly, she seized Pinkie’s tail with her teeth and dragged her away. “Whoa-ho-ho there, Pinkie! I don’t think you wanna go puttin’ that in your mouth.”
“Why not?”
“Trust me, ya just don’t.”
“Where is my clothing!?” Bellowed Zangief.
“You mean your panties?" Fluttershy asked.
“It is a speedo!” Zangief shouted defensively. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was silently questioning why the terms “panties” came so easily to a creature that in normal context, had no business wearing clothes to begin with.
“Whatever it was, it should have been by your bed, didn’t you see it?” Asked Twilight.
Like a bolt, Zangief turned away from the mares and dashed up the stairs. When he approached the makeshift hospital room he’d woken up in, his attention was immediately drawn to the second strangest thing he’d seen all day next to the ponies. Standing in front of a modestly sized vanity mirror, and wearing a familiar bright red speedo, was an overgrown iguana on two legs. A few hours earlier this might have surprised Zangief, but the only thing that took the Red Cyclone by surprise in this situation was that the lizard was flexing its rather twiggy arms and rambling to itself. “Yeah, Spike, lookin’ real good, lookin’ real tough. Oh what’s that Rarity, you say you need some help moving things around the store? Then it’s a good thing you’ve got a powerhouse right here, huh? Say what Twilight? You need some help lifting books? You know who can help you?” Spike flexed his biceps and extended his thumbs out so they were pointing towards his face. “This dragon right here. Oh, Fluttershy, I see you noticed—”
“Ahem.” Zangief coughed to interrupt the lizard’s monologuing and quickly learned why that was a terrible idea.
The lizard whipped around in a panic, clearly not expecting anyone to sneak up on him. “Whoa! Who’s— urp!” Suddenly the reptile ejected a stream of green flames from its mouth towards Zangief’s general direction, but everything happened too fast for even Zangief’s combat honed reflexes to react in time, thus the Russian received a face full of fire accompanied by a hail of scrolls. Zangief however only paid attention to the first, as the wave of flame washed across his face, taking with it portions of Zangief’s glorious mohawk and hobo-beard. This was not a fair day. Once the flames had subsided, Zangief blinked three times before returning his gaze to the purple lizard ahead of himself. “Oh, uh... I’m uh... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to harm your hair, please don’t mad. I’m sure Twilight can fix it.”
Zangief merely pointed at the red speedo and gold belt combination that the lizard still wore around his waist.
“Oh, you want your man-panties back? Here. Please don’t tell anypony about what you just saw. You’ve got to promise me.” Spike stepped out of the leg holes on the speedo and kicked it towards Zangief who caught it and put it on immediately. It felt good to be dressed.
“First: It is a speedo! Second: Nyhet! I will make no such promise!”
“What!? But why!?”
Zangief crossed his arms and turned away from the pleading reptile. “Because, little comrade...”
“Why!? You can’t just pause mid-sentence!”
A blood vessel popped in Zangief’s temple and he shouted his response with the force of a double-leg dropkick. “A man must take pride in his shame! Without our shame to remind us exactly where our weakness lies, how can we move towards true strength!? Well, Spike? Do you have an answer?”
“Wait... what? How did you know my name?”
“Heh... you still don’t get do you, comrade Spike?” Zangief smirked and shook his head in mock disappointment.
“Get what?”
“When you’ve steeled your resolve and grown a moustache, you’ll understand everything.” With that, Zangief turned to walk back downstairs, leaving a confused dragon behind to ponder his nonsensical riddles.
When Zangief returned to the lower level of the library he quickly noticed there was one more little pony than he recalled. He hoped this one would be as friendly as Twilight and the others, but her reaction to his appearance was less than welcoming. “Gyah! It’s another monster! As if the ursa attacking town hall wasn’t bad enough, there’s a monster here too! Everypony run! It’s the end of Equestria as we know it!”
“Daisy! Calm down! He’s a friend!” Twilight shouted. “Now what did you say about town hall?”
Daisy scrambled away from Zangief rambling incoherently as she did so.“M-m-monsters, everywhere! The horror! The horror!” Without another glance, she turned and bolted out of the library entrance whinnying bloody murder and spreading chaos through the normally peaceful Ponyville streets.
“Well, there goes our chance to introduce Zangief to Ponyville...” Twilight sighed.
“Twi’, I reckon we got other things to worry about, like that ursa Daisy was talkin’ about.”
“You’re right, Applejack. Come on girls, we’ve got to save Ponyville! Zangief you wait here, we don’t need this situation to get anymore out of hoof.”
Zangief’s curiosity had been peaked by the repeated mentions of the Ursa Major, thus driving him to pose a fate altering question to the the five mares. “Excuse me, but what is this ‘Ursa Major’ you speak of?”
“It’s a huge bear, and it could be a problem if we don’t take care of it quickly
A spry grin crept across Zangief’s face. “Huge bear you say? I think I may be of some assistance, dorogaya.” With that, he kicked Twilight’s door from its hinges and stomped out into the streets, with Twilight and her friends —save for Rarity who still lay unmoving on the library floor— hot on his heels.
Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong to Capcom.
Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers
By: Your Antagonist
Round 3: No, No, No. I swear, It was Seriously THIS Big!
Ponyville: Chaos Filled Street
The ponyville streets were filled with rampant bedlam and screaming as the town’s inhabitants galloped through the streets in a frenzy like chickens with their heads cut off. Since the small town lacked a Royal Guard outpost or even a simple militia, the best hope anypony for surviving the onslaught of cataclysmic disasters that plagued the town was to hunker down in their homes, stick their heads between their legs, and kiss their plots goodbye. However, on this day, one very excited and stubborn Russian beast accompanied by five of Equestria’s finest mares sought to change that
“Mr. Cyclone, please go back to the library! Your presence out here will only cause more of an uproar, and besides we can handle this problem ourselves!” Twilight begged as she latched herself around Zangief’s left leg in an attempt to stop him from moving forward. Little did she realize, that she barely weighed enough to make Zangief effectively limp let alone stop his movements altogether.
“Nyhet, little unicorn, you cannot stop me! And besides, dealing with bears just happens to be one of my specialties. Now you will show me the way, and I will fix this problem, not for you, but to strengthen the reputation of Russian Wrestling!” Zangief stopped and shot his arms into the air, pointing to the sky for no reason Twilight could fathom.
“But you can’t take on an ursa major! You’re not even a unicorn! What do you intend to do to it?”
Zangief rolled his eyes and sighed as though the next words to come out of his mouth were common knowledge even on his own world where they would in fact be considered utter tribe if they had fallen on the ears of anyone other than select Australians "Throw it into the ground of course, what else do you do with bears?”
“W-what!?” Twilight’s hair began to fray slightly as she absorbed the Russian’s convoluted logic. “You can’t throw an ursa major! They’re unthrowable!”
Zangief stopped and stomped his leg once causing Twilight to lose her grip and tumble in front of the giant. She scrambled around only to see that Zangief had crossed his arms and was presenting his back to her. With a sigh and a shake of his head he began with a simple question. “Do you know why bears exist, dorogaya?”
In a matter of factly tone, Twilight began to expunge her vast knowledge of bears she'd accrued in a marathon study session of equestrian omnivores. "Pffft, that’s easy, they exist to regulate the natural order of—”
“Wrong!”
Somewhere in Twilight’s head, a blood vessel popped in all the wrong ways. “Wrong? How am I wrong? You didn’t even let me finish!”
“A bear only exists so that it may be slammed into the ground!”
Twilight stomped a hoof to the ground. “That’s absolutely preposterous!”
“And yet it is the truth. A bear’s sole desire, nyhet, its dream is to be slammed into the ground as many times as possible before they pass on to the next life.” Zangief turned around and faced Twilight, kneeling, with tears running down his half-bearded face. “Concussions and compound neck fractures are the only ways those simple creatures can find true happiness in this world. Do you truly wish to keep me from granting that state of bliss to that simple minded creature?”
“You... you’re insane...”
Applejack trotted up to Zangief, and placed a consoling hoof around the passionate sobbing ape. somewhere between the lines, she had connected with his ludicrous assessment on bear psychology. “I get ya, Mr. Zangief, sometimes a critter just needs to be shown their place to understand just how good they got it, right?"
Zangief merely grinned and nodded to Applejack, affirming her understanding of his wisdom.
“So you’re saying that if I start slamming the bears I take care of, they’ll be happier for it?”
Zangief knelt down next to Fluttershy and looked into her naive blue eyes while tactfully moving his hand to rest on her lush pink mane. "They would be most appreciative."
"Fluttershy, Applejack, I can't believe the two of you are even listening to this. Rainbow Dash surely you can't... Rainbow Dash?" Twilight glanced at the pegasus whose face was now a mixture of disbelief and intrigue. "Oh Rainbow, not you too..."
"I... I have to see him throw an ursa major.”
“What!?”
“Come on egghead, it would be too awesome not to watch! I’m going to lead him there!” Rainbow Dash prepared her wings for a speedy take off towards Zangief, but a familiar stern tugging on her tail caused the pegasus to fall flat on her snout.
“Rainbow Dash, we can’t show him where town hall is, we have to get him back to the library!”
Rainbow Dash sprung forth from the ground, and took to the air glaring at Twilight. “Come on Twilight, it’s an ursa major! An ursa major! We need all the help we can get!”
“I’ve dealt with one of these in the past, Rainbow. I know what I’m doing and I can handle it myself. I don’t want anypony or anything else to get caught in the middle of this, especially not some alien monkey thing that we know nothing about yet.”
Rainbow Dash moved ever closer to Twilight, and placed her hoof on her friend’s back. “Twilight, that ursa during the Trixie incident was a baby right?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“But nothing! What if this is a full grown ursa? The same trick won’t work twice! This guy says he’s an expert when it comes to bears, and it sounds like he knows what he’s doing. Besides,” Rainbow Dash grinned deviously causing Twilight to raise an eyebrow. “While you were trying to convince me, Pinkie and the others took off with big guy.”
“What!? Ugh... whatever, just come on, we’ve got to catch them before they do anything stupid.”
“Stopping them from doing anything stupid? Ha! This is Pinkie Pie we’re talking about here, you’re already too late!”
Twilight’s eyes widened in sudden realization. “Oh no, you’re right!” Without any further hesitation, Twilight began galloping towards the mayor’s office with Rainbow Dash effortlessly keeping pace. After wading through the seemingly endless torrent of panicking paranoid pastel ponies, Twilight and Rainbow Dash finally spotted Pinkie Pie who was hanging onto the neck of their raucously rowdy rippling russian whose presence wasn’t helping the volatile mentality of the crowd in the slightest. “Pinkie Pie!”
“Oh, hey, Twilight! I see you finally caught up! Giefy here is pretty light on his feet for such a big guy, huh?”
“Dah, this is true.” Zangief huffed proudly as he continued to charge through minor equine obstacles that littered his path. “ I have trained myself to run faster than a certain man’s ki-energy blast so that he would no longer cheat in our duels!” Zangief paused to fill his lungs with a selfish amount of air before he resumed speaking. “Now little pink spaz, where is the bear you promised me?”
Pinkie Pie leapt up so she could stand on Zangief’s left shoulder and pointed towards the decrepit dilapidated structure that was Ponyville Town Hall “Right ahead of you, Giefy! Do you see it yet?”
Zangief squinted and scrutinized the building ahead of himself as he searched for his prize, but much to even his own surprise, he recoiled in shock as he took in the size of snarling tusked monstrosity before himself. The Red Cyclone had mistakenly assumed that since the equine inhabitants of this planet had mistaken him for a giant, by comparison the Ursa Major they feared so much couldn’t have been much larger than himself. However for the towering genetic anomaly before his eyes, Zangief could only summarize his feelings in one eloquent description: “That is big motherfucking bear.”
Pinkie Pie backflipped from Zangief’s shoulder and retreated to join her friends, who had stopped a careful distance away from their Russian godsend. “You can do it, Giefy! I believe in you!”
“Y’all show that bear who’s boss, Mr. Zangief!” cheered Applejack.
“You can do it, Mr. Cyclone, woo-hoo.” The pathetic soft shout that had to be punctuated with a period had, resonated from none other than Fluttershy.
Only Twilight and Rainbow Dash dared to stand with Zangief as he watched the ursa major slam one massive claw into the side of the building, instantly collapsing support beams and the roof almost instantly. “Well, do you think you can slam that bear into the ground, Mr. Red Cyclone?” Twilight’s tone was condescending and persnickety. Placing a hoof to Zangief’s quivering thigh, Twilight attempted to push the Russian to the side “Maybe you should head back to the library and leave this to a pony with some experience dealing with giant creatures, hm?” Twilight began to trot heroically towards the ursa major, but found her path was soon halted by Zangief’s massive left hand.
“Nyhet, it is too dangerous. We will handle this together.”
“Gah, alright fine, fine. It doesn’t look like there’s anything I could say that will convince you otherwise, but just what in Equestria do you suggest we do?”
Zangief took Twilight’s question to heart and began pondering a plan of attack against the creature. After witnessing its terrifying display of brute strength, he knew that a head-on attack would be foolhardy, but if he could catch it off-guard and off balance, he would stand a better chance. What he needed right now was a distraction, something to keep the bear’s attention while he rushed in and made short work of the monstrosity, but what?
The ursa major hurled its mass through the remains of the town hall, leveling what was left of the structure down to its foundation. Bored with its former stomping grounds, the ursa turned its attention to the general populace and began terrorizing the Ponyvillians directly.
At that moment, three little fillies crashed into Zangief’s leg, stirring the giant and breaking his concentration.
“Ooof!” gasped the orange pegasus who tripped over Zangief’s boot.
“Ow!” the yellow filly said as she bounced off of Zangief’s leg.
“Ouch!” cried the white unicorn as she tripped over her friends.
All three fillies picked themselves off the ground and stared daggers at each other as they began to bicker amongst themselves, the ursa major ravaging the town hall all but forgotten. “Dang it, Scootaloo! I told ya to watch where you’re goin’ and now look at what ya went and did!”
“What I did? You tripped first! And besides, Sweetie Belle kept stepping on my hooves when I was running!” retorted Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle however was not about to take the blame lying down. “Well, maybe the fastest filly in our class needs to pick up the pace! You were running so slow that town hall might have been desecrated before we could stop the ursa!”
“Don’t use words I don’t know the meaning of!”
“Then why don’cha try readin’ a to expand your vocabulary, ya featherbrain?” Applebloom asked derogatively.
“Why you—”
“Ahem.” Zangief coughed to draw the attention of the three fuming fillies. “Excuse me malenkaya devotshka, but why do you not run like the others? This place is very dangerous you know.”
Three pairs of curious eyes studied the man before themselves curiously and with awe until Twilight voiced her concerns for the trio’s safety. “Girls, what are you doing here? You should be back in town taking shelter with the others. Come on, I’ll take you to your sister.”
“Sorry, but no can do Twilight,” said Applebloom.
Twilight was taken aback as she hadn’t been expecting the filly’s immediate refusal. “Girls, you have to get out of here now, this isn’t a game, you could get hurt messing with that thing.”
“We know that,” Sweetie Belle began. “But we’ve finally figured out what our special talent is!” Sweetie Belle nodded to Applebloom and Scootaloo who both nodded in return as though some unspoken acknowledgement between the three had transpired. A moment later, an ear piercing shriek ripped through the air and left a nasty ringing behind in the ears of anyone too close to the epicenter as all three Cutie Mark Crusaders sounded off with the same war cry. “Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Hunters! Yay!”
“Oh no you don’t, Applebloom. You and your friends get over here right this instant! Let Twilight and Mr. Zangief handle that thing.” Applejack demanded
“Aw, come on sis, this could be our only chance to get our cutie marks!”
“I said no, and that’s that. Now get over right this instant, or I’ll see to it that you’ll be personally responsible for cleaning up sheep manure for the next year.”
The crusaders dejectedly began to trot back towards the relative safety that the older ponies presented, but in that same instant, something in ludicrous Zangief’s brain clicked. He needed a distraction, and not even seven feet from him were three prime candidates for such a task. “Hey, little girls.” Three little ears perked up at the beckoning of Zangief’s voice. “You want to be heroes, dah?” The three fillies looked at eachother, then at Applejack, and finally Zangief.
“Applebloom, y’all come here right this instant!”Applejack commanded.
“Little girls, I have plan to defeat the monster, but I need your help, come quickly!” After another moment of deliberation, the Cutie Mark Crusaders turned and cantered off to join Zangief and Twilight, the latter of whom was none too pleased that the former had invited children into the fray.
“You’re gonna be in trouble with Granny Smith and Big Macintosh when this is over Applebloom!” Applejack shouted, but her threats fell on deaf ears.
“Khorosho, khorosho, you have made the right choice.”
“Umm, Mr...” Applebloom struggled to remember Zangief’s name, but luckily for her, the russian wrestler was always more than happy to introduce and reintroduce himself.
“Zangief. Zangief the Red Cyclone!” The giant announced his name while proudly flexing his biceps.
“Right, Mr. Red—”
“His name is Cyclone!” Scootaloo corrected.
“It’s Zangief you do-do!” Sweetie Belle hissed.
“Whatever!” All three shouted simultaneously.
“Mr. Zangief the Red Cyclone, what do you need us to do?” asked Applebloom
“Yeah, what’s the plan?” Scootaloo pressed for information.
“What do you have in mind?” inquired Sweetie Belle.
Zangief bent down towards the fillies and began whispering his plan to the ecstatic equines in a tone low enough so that Twilight couldn’t hear his scheming.
“You want us to run around like chickens with their heads cut off when we get to the ursa?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I guess that shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for you huh, Scoots?” Applebloom teased.
Scootaloo merely rolled her eyes at her friend’s insult before returning her focus to Zangief. “Okay, I get the plan, but I have one question: what’s a hadouken?”
A deviant grin spread slowly across Zangief’s lips. “Glad you asked.” In one swift motion, Zangief seized the Cutie Mark Crusaders by their tails, and held the fillies up to his chest. “Banishing Flat.” He began to flex his right arm intensely, calling forth his spiritual and mental energies that he channeled into his hand which began to glow with a fiery green aura. This was a technique he developed specifically to fight against opponents who specialized in ki-based projectiles, but in practice, he found that it had other uses such as increasing his grip strength and overall throwing power, among other things.
“Woah Mister, what happened to your claw? It’s all green and glowy!” Scootaloo asked, but Zangief never answered her question. Instead, keeping his arm extended, he began to spin around in place slowly, the Crusaders involuntarily trailing behind his clenched fist. As he spun and spun, Zangief began to pick up speed and power, steadily turning the ponies into a lethal triple headed flail that began to scream due to fear of the intense speeds they were being spun at. With one final swing of his arm, Zangief sighted the ursa major and hurled the Cutie Mark Crusaders with his ki-enhanced strength towards the behemoth. He didn’t have the time to appreciate his work or their terrified shrieks however as he had to close the distance between himself and his quarry quickly.
Twilight stood flabbergasted, trying to make sense out of what she’d just seen. “Did... did you just... throw children at an ursa major?”
“This is no time for your morality, come, we must go now!” Zangief driven by the heat of the moment ran and leapt into the air, coming down hard on Twilight as he mounted her in a rider’s stance. “Giddiyap, dorogaya!” Zangief leaned forward in anticipation of Twilight’s imminent galloping. Instead, he heard a sickening crack and a yelp of pain as Twilight’s legs buckled beneath his weight. Zangief sighed and shook his head. “You should really work out more, you are quite scrawny, yes?”
Twilight kicked and struggled underneath the crushing weight of the giant. “Will you just get off of me!? I can’t breathe!”
“Sorry about that, weakling.” Zangief stood up, helping Twilight to her hooves as he did. “We must get over there quickly.”
“Ugh,” Twilight took a moment to crack her neck, relieving the tension that had built up from her brief career as a stool. “Why didn’t you just say so? Hold on to my tail.” Zangief hesitated before seizing the unicorn’s tail which he noted had a surprisingly silky texture to it. “Here goes!” As she focused her magic into her horn, Twilight envisioned the pile of debris that had once been the town hall, and with a sharp Crack, she and Zangief disappeared in a flash of purple light.
Ponyville: Demolished Town Hall
A resounding Snap filled the air as Twilight and Zangief rematerialized on what Twilight could only surmise had once been the desk of Mayor Mare. “Well, here we are Mr. Cyclone.” Twilight gestured to the rear end of the massive ursa major that was arguably more terrifying at the meager distance of thirty meters. Here he could feel the ground tremor with every step it took, and the force of its guttural roar as it tore through the air shattering any remaining widows that managed to stay intact from the beast’s earlier assault. “So, where’s this big plan of yours now?”
Zangief paid Twilight’s snarkiness no mind. Instead he cupped one of his hands to his ear and listened to the wind. He was waiting on a certain chorus of terrified filly terror, and fortunately for him he didn’t have to wait long to hear it.
“WAAAAAHHHHH!”
“Right there, dorogaya.” Zangief pointed to a fast moving trichromatic clusterfuck of terror that soared through the air carrying with it the force of a howitzer cannon salvo. He turned to Twilight and said simply, “Catch them after they connect, I’m going in!” Zangief took off sprinting through, occasionally having to vault and leap over fallen support beams and tacky office furniture rentals. He was racing against the Cutie Mark Crusaders now, and he had to tie with them, or else this plan was all for naught. With each labored breath, the rampant ursa was growing closer and Zangief was steadily becoming more excited.
“KYYAAAAA!!!” The Cutie Mark Crusaders were only mere seconds away from contact with the ursa and Zangief had just made it under the creature’s belly. Fortunately for him the ursa was too busy bearing down on an unfortunate green unicorn to notice either of the instruments of its demise closing in.
For a moment, everything seemed to slow down for Zangief. He looked to his right and saw the exact moment when the fillies finally collided, one after the other, into the area around the ursa major’s eye. He could see the drool fly out of its mouth while its head whipped backwards, the purple aura of magic that enveloped the crusaders before gravity and recoil force could take hold of them and inflict any further damage. He could feel the air around him vibrate violently from the massive bear’s pained roar. But more importantly, out of all of his perceptions he could see his goal.
The off balance ursa stumbled backwards, lifting its paw off the ground just the amount Zangief had been hoping for. With one final push of his adrenaline jacked body, Zangief managed to pump his arms and legs just enough to get himself under the bear’s paw as it struggled to regain its footing. He turned around to face the massive claw and held his hands up bracing himself for the imminent impact, and then they met. As soon as the disoriented ursas massive claw fell into Zangief’s hands, there was an immediate power struggle of which the Red Cyclone found that he was greatly disadvantaged almost instantly. For the ursa it was as simple as putting its foot down flat, but for Zangief it was taking his all to prevent himself from being crushed.
Beads of sweat cascaded down his face, as he pushed against the demon bear with all his might. Though his arms were on fire, Zangief dug his feet deeper into the ground and pressed on still. He was waiting for the ursa major to make a fatal mistake that would dramatically shift the contest in his favor, and he was about to get his wish. The ursa major irritated by the resistance it was met with put all of its body weight into the equation hoping to crush whatever stood between itself and solid ground. Zangief managed a weak smile through the increased strain. “Bear, you have been— ungh— formidable, but this...” Zangief grit his teeth to compensate for the pain in his muscles. “Is where... you... LOSE!” The Red Cyclone seized one of the ursa’s toes and worked quickly to compensate for the increased falling rate of now increased load. He spun around quickly, supporting all of the bear’s girth with his back and legs which began to crack and quiver under the pressure, but despite his physical situation, he had the mongrel exactly where he wanted it. With one gargantuan pull, he leaned forward, simultaneously redirecting the ursa major’s mass forward, and successfully threw the bear forward upon the crown of its head.
From this point on the bear’s massive frame would work against itself, as the neck was the next part of its body to make contact, quickly followed by its shoulders and the rest of it body until it was utterly and helplessly sprawled on its back. Zangief breathed a sigh of release and his inflamed muscles screamed for joy. The hard part was over, but there was still work to be done. Zangief grabbed a tuft of his dazed and confused victim’s fur, and began climbing his way up the supine saboteur. When Zangief reached the bear’s belly, he took a moment to marvel at the design of its fur and the uncanny resemblance to the night sky, and that only inspired him to destroy something beautiful.
Zangief knew he had to end this conflict before the bear could stand up again, and began sprinting towards the head. Once he had closed the distance to five meters, he leapt forward and brought his knees to his chest, exploding them both outward into the ursa’s jaw with the force of a tank shell. The bear’s head recoiled and its bottom row of teeth were introduced to the top row at a ludicrous speed, resulting in a sickening shattering sound from the mandibles and tusks crushing each other into bits. Another roar of anguish escaped the beast which had begun flailing its limbs about, and Zangief readied himself to finish this fight once and for all.
The russian scaled the ursa’s neck and traversed the short distance to its snout which he slid down so that he was standing squarely between its eyes. Both eyes rolled inward to ogle the strange creature that had given it so much grief in such a short period of time. “It’s time for sleep friend.” Zangief rose one mighty fist above his head and brought it straight down on the space he stood on. The ursa only howled again, and in response Zangief slammed his other fist on the same spot. For each growl the ursa gave, Zangief would return the favor with a torrent of angry smashing. This process repeated itself like clockwork until the ursa had gone still and silent. Zangief satisfied that he had successfully knocked the simple beast either unconscious or into a coma, slid down the side of the bear’s head, stumbling as he made contact with the ground.
Zangief didn’t realize that a crowd of awe-struck ponies had gathered during his contest. In an effort to start off on a good foot with the inhabitants Zangief decided to extend an olive branch via his patented tried and true introduction. “Little horse comrades, you have nothing to fear! Your town has been saved by none other than Zangief, the Red Cyclone! Please, there is no need to thank me all at once, I was simply doing my duty as a professional russian wrestler, however I understand if you all would like my autograph.” For all of Zangief’s enthusiasm, the only gratitude he received was a flurry of finely spun lassos that quickly bound him by the wrist and neck, and were just as quickly wrapped around his body. “I saved your lives, and I mean you no harm! So, what is the meaning of this?!” Zangief was furious that they had responded so rudely to his offer of friendship.
An older looking mare with glasses and graying mane trotted up to the bound Zangief a look of cruel disgust splayed across her features. “By the power vested in me as mayor of Ponyville, I hereby place you under arrest for leading an ursa major into my town, and don’t even try to feign ignorance. We have eyewitness reports that state something matching your description chased this monster into our home, and by Celestia, you are going to pay for every inch of destruction that thing has wrought upon us." The mayor narrowed her eyes at Zangief before she finally reached a decision regarding what had to be done about such a heinous criminal. "Bring him to the library.”
Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong to Capcom.
Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers
By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
Round 4: Turnabout Cyclone
Ponyville: Destroyed Town Hall
Today had been above all an even more exhausting than usual day for Ponyville’s beloved political representative Mayor Mare. It had started out harmlessly enough: she had woken up to the sounds of the usual eight o’clock protesters outside her house, had her morning coffee from Sugarcube Corner utterly ruined by that unruly pink basket-case wielding a strawberry icing gun, and somewhere along the lines Cheerilee had the brilliant idea to bring the gaggle of underage hellions she called a class on a field trip to Town Hall and somehow managed to lose the three most troublesome of the bunch during the Ursa Major’s rampage that had left her office in shambles. Above all else however, the strange two legged giant that her little ponies had just captured could easily cause a panic if she didn’t handle this situation delicately and the Mayor was in no shape to quell one of the infamous riots that Ponyvillians were known for. “Bring him to the library. There, we’ll discuss the reprimands for the crimes committed by this... thing. Not to worry my little ponies, justice will be delivered!”
“Justice? But I am not bad guy! I saved your town and—”
A rousing chorus of cheers drowned out Zangief’s voice and filled the silence that had been left by the mare’s words as the ponies hefted Zangief’s massive frame upon their backs and began marching off in the direction of the library. At the very least, disaster had been avoided for now, but that was only one problem out of many on the politician’s plate. If Mayor Mare knew this town’s residents as well as she thought then it wouldn’t be long before problem number two reared its naive horn. “Ms. Mayor! Wait!” Right on time. The Mayor sighed and began stretching her jaw in preparation to smile. As much as she detested Twilight’s troublesome presence in Ponyville, the Mayor needed the money that Princess Celestia sent every month to ensure her precious student’s well-being, so if it meant taking one for the wallet, the Mayor would smile. “Ms. Mayor!”
Mayor Mare turned to face the sure of the outburst, her face sore and strained from the forced grin, but she had to bear with it. “Please, Twilight, now is hardly the time for formalities. Just Mare will do for now. Now, what did you need?”
“Mayor—”
“Mare,” Mayor Mare corrected.
“Mare, what are you doing with Zangief?”
The Mayor rose an eyebrow at the name of her town’s newest menace. “You speak as though you know this creature, Ms. Sparkle.”
“That isn’t important right now! Why are you treating him like this? He just saved Ponyville from that Ursa!”
“Perhaps, Twilight, but I have my reasons.”
Twilight skeptically rose an eyebrow at the Mayor. “Reasons, Ms. Mayor?”
“Mare,” The Mayor corrected, “and yes. As you already know, the town has been on ursa watch for the past month and we’ve had to assign guards— all voluntary and not commissioned of course— to watch our borders. Well, one hour ago, we received reports that an Ursa Major had begun to traverse dangerously close to Ponyville, and it appeared to be merely passing through, until it turned and began rampaging through Whitetail Woods.”
“Okay, but what does that have to do with Zangief, Ms. Mare—”
“Mare.”
“I said Mare.”
“Oh. My Apologies then. Anyway, as you know an Ursa Major usually doesn’t attack unless provoked, correct?” Twilight nodded. “Well the guard who reported the rampaging Ursa, claimed to have seen a creature that fit your monster’s description perfectly, chasing and attacking the Ursa towards ponyville. A tall beast that walks on two legs and is inequinely strong? Is it a coincidence that the creature that brought the Ursa down fits that description perfectly, Twilight?”
“But, Ms. Mayor—”
“Mare,” the Mayor corrected once again.
“Whatever! I know for a fact that Zangief didn’t do it! I can vouch for his whereabouts during that time—”
“Ms. Sparkle, I apologize, but I must cut this short. As you can see I have justice to hand down and a town to repair, and not a terribly large amount of time to do it. If you have something to say, then I suggest you say it during the trial. I suppose I’ll be seeing you there then?” Twilight glowered after the Mayor who turned and began trotting towards the library.
A moment later, Twilight vanished in a flash of purple smoke and white light leaving the venue empty save for an incapacitated Ursa Major, and a few guards who had been assigned to keep watch over the sleeping giant.
As the guards proceeded to slack off, a voie poured forth from a darkened alleyway. “Well, well, well, it looks like something interesting just flew into this little spider’s web...”
Ponyville: Empty Library
A flash of light erupted just outside of the library door, and from it emerged a frantic Twilight Sparkle. Barrelling through the library’s modest wooden door, Twilight whipped her head left and right in search of Spike, but only found Rarity, still unconscious, wearing a saddle and a bridle, both of which Twilight was certain the fashionista didn’t have when she came in the library earlier. Twilight was also quite certain that Rarity couldn’t light scented candles and scatter rose petals around herself subconsciously, but alas the scent of lilacs and vanilla filled the air, carried by the rhythmic growlings of Beary White.
It was at this moment that Twilight heard Spike’s voice from the stairwell. “So sorry to have kept you waiting, Rarity, but now that you’re very special somedragon is here, the fun can beg—” Spike stopped his sentence short as he made eye contact with Twilight.
Twilight opened and closed her mouth trying to find the right words to delicately ask Spike why he was wearing a cowboy hat and twirling a lasso above his head, but those words never came. “Spike, you can take advantage of Rarity some other time, but right now I need you to help me find some evidence that Zangief has been here for a few hours.”
“Wait, wait wait. Did you mean the first thing you said?”
“Spike, just go!”
“Sheesh, alright I’m moving, I’m moving.” Spike scampered up the stairs grumbling to himself as Twilight began levitating various law books off the shelf, sifting through the tomes like a maniacal sieve of knowledge, capturing only the bits she deemed necessary for proving Zangief’s innocence. It was only a matter of time until the mob carrying Zangief arrived at the library arrived, and Twilight needed all the help she could get.
Just as Twilight was finishing up a particularly thick tome titled “All You Ever Wanted To Know About Being An Ace Attorney”, the door to the library was suddenly bucked in and along with it the familiar gargantuan frame of Zangief.
“Privyet again, dorogaya.”
“Oh, Zangief, I’m so sorry about this, but don’t worry, I’m going to do everything I can to get you out of this, I swear.”
“Thanks much little Sparkle, but something tells me that this will not end well.”
“Yeah, you and me bo-o-o-o-o-th!” The new voice belonged to none other than Pinkie Pie, who was shaking and shivering her way into the library.
“Pinkie sense?” Twilight asked.
“Ye-e-e-ah! Something bi-i-i-ig is co-o-o-o-ming!”
Twilight stopped Pinkie’s shaking by placing a hoof on the pink mare’s nose, but much to the librarian’s surprise the shaking only transferred into her own foreleg. This was serious. “Well, first thing’s first, we have to deal with this trial, then we can worry about whatever it is that’s got you all shaken up.” Twilight looked at the stream of ponies pouring through her door and swallowed nervously. They had all come to see a monster, and she had to somehow convince them their monster was in fact a hero. No pressure.
As the last pony of the mob entered the library followed by Mayor Mare, the room was suddenly abuzz with chatter that was quickly silenced by the gray maned politician as she rose a hoof, effectively silencing the entire room. “My fellow Ponyvillians, I’m sure you all know why we’re here—”
“Not completely!” shouted a stallion from the back of the crowd.
“Well, I was getting to that—”
“Okay! Thank you!”
“As I was saying—”
“Ms. Mayor?” The pony who had interrupted Mayor for the second time was none other than Bon Bon, encouraged by her her sea-green counterpart.
“Yes?”
“Is this going to take long?”
“Maybe,” The Mayor answered flatly.
“Can I have a snack?” asked Ponyville’s resident cross eyed Mail-mare, Derpy Hooves.
“No! Now stop talking so we can continue this!” Everypony in the room including Zangief were startled into a stiff unmoving silence by the Mayor’s sudden outburst. “Ahem, like I was saying, we’re here today to deliver judgement upon the monster that chased an Ursa Major into our town and allowed it to wreak havoc on not only our business district but Town Hall as well.” The Mayor gestured to Zangief who was presently being shifted to a seated position by Pinkie Pie and Applejack. “At approximately 2:35 PM this afternoon,several of our border guards reported a disturbance: an Ursa Major wandering closer to our borders than we’d like. Approximately ten minutes later at 2:45 PM we received an update on the disturbance and the patrolling guards reported that the Ursa had started rampaging through the Whitetailed Woods, and that it was being pursued by an incredibly strong two legged creature not unlike this abhorable thing you see here.”
A chorus of murmurs blew through the room, and eyeballs danced between the Mayor and Zangief who, due to an itch on his nose that he couldn’t reach with his arms bound, had taken to aggressively rubbing his face along a nearby wall, effectively removing various chunks of wood and pulp from the tree’s interior.
“Now then, since the culprit fits the description to a “T”, and was unaccounted for during those hours, I believe this is an open and shut case—”
“Hold it!” The sudden outburst from Twilight Sparkle caused the crowd to gasp in shock, and the Mayor to wince in irritation, but she knew that it was only a matter of time before she’d have to deal with Princess Celestia’s prized ne’er-do-well of a student at some point. “There’s a major contradiction of the facts in that statement, Ms. Mare.”
“Mayor, if you would, Ms. Sparkle. This is hardly the time for pleasantries.” All eyes in the room danced back to the Mayor, who while irked by Twilight’s interjection, wasn’t shaken in the least. “Now, would you care to elaborate?”
“Gladly,” Twilight smirked, and moved closer to Zangief. “You claim that my client Zangief—”
“The Red Cyclone!” Zangief’s voice boomed.
“Was in the Whitetailed Woods and unaccounted for during the aforementioned time period? Well, I and the rest of the Elements of Harmony can tell you that Zangief was unconscious in this library for all of a day, and had not set foot outside save for the incident thirty minutes ago.”
The Mayor sighed and shook her head, chuckling at Twilight. “So you expect us all to go solely on the words of you and your friends, and completely discredit the reports of the gate guards then?”
“Objection! First: I’m not dismissing the reports. The reports clearly state that the ursa’s pursuer was a two-legged super-equinely strong creature. I’m merely suggesting the possibility that it could have been any manner of bi-pedal creature.” More murmurs began to spread through the crowd, but Twilight ignored them and held her composure through the rest of the rebuttal held. “And due to the fact that my client has an alibi, it’s highly unlikely that Zangief is the perpetrator. Which brings me to my next point: evidence.” It was at that moment that Spike came huffing and waddling down the staircase, a sack of unknown materials in tow which were promptly seized by Twilight’s telekinesis. “The items in this bag should prove beyond a doubt that Zangief is innocent! Now, Take That!” With a flourish, Twilight scattered the contents of the sack on the floor before the Mayor, who looked down at the assortment of junk at her hooves and then bemusedly at Twilight who had taken to beaming smugly .
“And I’m supposed to be looking at... what?”
The grin slowly melted off of Twilight’s mug; she hadn’t been expecting that response. Looking at the “evidence” Spike had collected, it became abundantly clear why the Mayor was staring at her as though she were insane. The evidence amounted to little more than a few broken pieces of medical equipment, next to a plate full of hair, some of which was burnt. Regardless of the hoof she’d been dealt, Twilight was going to bluff and slander her way to victory for Zangief’s sake. “Why, the equipment that I’ve been using to take care of Zangief of course.”
“So, if I’m interpreting your presentation correctly, then you would have me believe that you, a student of Princess Celestia, were attempting to treat an unknown creature with substandard and dilapidated equipment?”
“Well, it wasn’t broken when I set it up earlier!”
Zangief coughed uncomfortably from his corner before adding his two bits to the argument. “Dah, I broke that when I woke up. Sorry, dorogaya.”
“And that you were going to feed it a steady diet of cooked hair?”
“You’re misinterpreting the evidence!”
As the bickering between Twilight and the Mayor unfolded on stage, two stallions clad in leather armor from the crowd turned their heads to look at the elephant in the room, squinting and scrutinizing the giant before them. Agreeing that they both needed a better look, both stood and began worming their way through the crowd stopping before Zangief. “Ms. Mayor, Ms. Sparkle,” spoke the stallion on the left.
“What!?” Both mares bellowed in tandem clearly displeased that their quarrel had been interrupted.
“This isn’t the same creature that attacked the Ursa,” replied the guard on the right.
“That thing fits your description perfectly! What do you mean it’s not the same thing?!”
“Precisely that, Ms. Mayor. You see the monster we spotted on watch looked similar to this one, but they differ greatly,” explained the guard on the left.
“Different?” Twilight asked. “How are they different?”
“Well this one is bigger—” Spoke the right guard
“— much uglier—” Continued the left guard.
“— and it smells of cheese—”
“— cheese and fear, I’d say.”
Zangief glared at the guards and envisioned their heads resting on a slab of concrete as he prepared to come body splashing down. One day.
Pinkie Pie on the otherhoof had taken to sniffing Zangief. “He does not smell like fear!”
Ignoring her pink counterpart, Twilight resumed her inquiry of the two guards. “Well, what did the other one look like?”
“Much shorter—” Answered the right guard.
“— more aesthetically appealing—” spoke the left guard.
“—it was laughing like a mad-mare—”
“— and it was hurling purple magic about everywhere.”
The mayor rose an eyebrow at the guard’s description. “Purple magic? Now where have I seen that before...”
“I’m not even going to dignify that accusation, Ms. Mayor. For the time being I believe that there is sufficient evidence and testimony to prove Zangief’s innocence, don’t you agree?”
The Mayor grit her teeth in frustration. Zangief had been proven innocent and Twilight had won which left a salty taste in the politician’s mouth, but that was only a niggling among the new issues that had risen as a result of this case. There was another of these strange creatures running rampant near her town, and Celestia knows how many more unaccounted for. The Mayor looked at Zangief and sighed. It was true that she had jumped the gun and placed the behemoth on trial without letting him get a word in edgewise, and it was also true that he had saved Ponyville. While she wasn’t completely sure of the intentions of this “Zangief” she had no choice but to grant him amnesty for the time being and hope that if the town were to come under attack by the other monster, that he would come to Ponyville’s aid. “Cut his ropes.”
“There is no need, Ms. Mayor!” Zangief announced as he stood up, and tensed his muscles. A moment later, there was an explosion of twine and body odor as Zangief freed himself. “And thank you, dorogaya.” Zangief knelt down to give Twilight a hug, but the unicorn shyed away from him uncomfortably.
“Eheh heh, don’t mention it,” Twilight said stepping around the Red Cyclone. “Besides that we have more important issues on our hooves, isn’t that right, Ms. Mayor?”
“That’s right, I want everypony who volunteered for guard duty ready and assembled in front of the library in half an hour. We have to find the other monster before it starts causing more problems than our treasury can handle.”
“I d-d-don’t think you’ll have to look v-v-v-very f-a-a-a-r!” Jittering in place, Pinkie Pie slowly rose a hoof pointing to something outside a nearby window.
Twilight was quick on the uptake, and galloped next to Pinkie Pie, scanning the street for any signs of trouble. “Pinkie Pie, what’s going on out—”
CRASH! The sound of a wall and several shelves collapsing in the library, accompanied by a sudden flood of light prompted the inhabitants of the library to whip around just in time to see a beaten and bruised Big Macintosh slide slowly across the wooden floor.
“Big Mac!” Applejack shouted as she rushed to her kin’s side, and took one of the workhorses hooves in her own.
“Big brother!” Applebloom cried, following her sister’s lead.
Big Mac smiled weakly at his sisters before he let out a pained cough.
“Oh pony feathers. Big Mac, are you all right?” Applejack asked as she ripped Applebloom’s ribbon from the filly’s mane and began to wipe some of the blood from her brother’s cheek.
“Eenope," the injured stallion answered simply. It was a rhetorical question of course, but Applejack had to keep her brother conscious and talking, lest the big lug go into shock.
“Can you tell us who did this to you?”
“Eeyup.” Big Macintosh weakly rose a hoof to the hole in library, pointing to something so distant Applejack had to squint to see it. From this distance, all Applejack could make out was a cloud of purple swirling incandescent energy approaching at a lackadaisical pace. “You gotta get out of here, AJ.” BIg Macintosh struggled to a stand, and began limping unsteadily towards the purple menace. “Take Applebloom, and go to Sweet Apple Acres.”
“And just what do you think you’re gonna do in your condition?!”
“Yeah, what Applejack said!” Applebloom chimed in from her sister’s back.
“Now look here, AJ, I won’t have you arguin’ with me, now just—”
Big Macintosh’s instructions trailed off as Applejack turned and bucked her brother in the side, causing him to go limp and quiet almost instantly. “Sorry Big Mac, but that was for your own good. Applebloom, get down and stay with Big Macintosh, Your big sis is about to save ponyville... again.” Applebloom promptly followed her sister’s instructions and watched as Applejack trotted out of the hole her brother had flown through, followed by Twilight Sparkle, a still jittering Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash, but much to everypony else’s surprise, not Zangief.
“Giefy?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Giefy, aren’t you coming?”
Zangief didn’t answer. His face drained in color, his pupils dilated, his palms began to sweat like a fat kid in a tracksuit, but he did not answer. Instead he whispered to himself, “Chyort voz'mi, why couldn’t it have been another bear?”
Round 4: HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!
Hey There Fight Fans!
Not Enough Action For You? Need Your Street Fighter Fix Now?
Clopcom Presents: Recommended Street Fighter x My Little Pony DLC
Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong to Capcom.
Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers
By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
Round 5: Along Came A Spider
Ponyville: Wrecked Library
For the short time that she had known the giant, Twilight had evaluated Zangief to be anything but a coward. Impulsive? Definitely. Slow-witted? Perhaps. A menace to civilized society? Twilight had a feeling the hairy beast in panties didn’t get invited to many formal events. But to have him shake and shiver like a frightened child, and also knock a stallion the size of Big Macintosh through a wall, Twilight knew that whatever was approaching had to be seriously bad news.
“Giefy?” Pinkie Pie called. “Giefy, what’s the matter?”
“Nyet... nyet.. nyet...” Zangief mumbled to himself as he backpedaled further into the library. “Why couldn’t it have been anyone else?”
“Zangief, do you know that thing?” Twilight asked.
Hesitantly, Zangief nodded his head in affirmation.
“Well, what is it? The more we know about that thing, the more effectively we can deal with it.”
Zangief looked Twilight in the eyes and allowed the unicorn to see the absolute fear that plagued his very being. Swallowing a massive lump that had formed in his throat, Zangief licked his suddenly dry lips and began to divulge the story behind the demon “Juri Han.” Zangief paused for a moment as the name chilled his soul to the core, but he pressed on with his story. "Some call her the Spider, and others call her a demon, but the rest of us call her a cheating bitch who kicks below the belt.” Zangief grabbed the base of his speedos and shook them to unrustle his jimmies from discomfort brought on by a fairly unpleasant memory. “And if she’s here, she’ll either kill everyone in this room, or cripple them, and allow them to heal just so she can cripple them again and kill you after.”
“Oh, you flatterer you.” Chills raced up Zangief’s spine as the new voice rent any remaining tranquility in the library to shreds. Everypony had been so focused on Zangief’s story that they failed to notice the malicious Korean woman with devil horn style pigtails as she casually strolled into the room. Juri looked around with her predatory eyes the room and grinned as she drank in the terrified looks on the the faces of every pastel colored equine in the room. “Isn’t anyone going to say hello?” A foal whimpered and nuzzled up to his mother for protection, causing Juri to chuckle to herself.
“What’s the matter, everypony? Spider got your tongue?” The fear-filled silence was delectable, but she had grown weary of indulging on the fear of the room’s inhabitants. She scanned around the stunned silence deciding who would make for the most interesting first victim when she heard a stifled snort from next to Zangief. The sadist thought nothing of it and resumed her meat selection, until she was distracted by more snorting. Irritated, she turned her attention to the source of the interruption and saw Pinkie Pie hunched over, her hooves placed over her mouth in a vain attempt to hide a slowly spreading grin. Needless to say this didn’t go unnoticed by “Huh? Something funny to you about all this?”
Pinkie Pie’s cheeks began to swell and fluster as she fought a losing battle with an impending giggle. Everypony present knew that the pink mare’s laughter was inevitable and that her happy-go-lucky attitude had gotten her into some troublesome predicaments in the past, trouble that the whole town as a whole had been able to bail her out of on several occasions. However, the threat posed by this single monster who made short work of a tough stallion like Big Macintosh and intimidated the likes of Zangief with her mere presence, had stripped the courage from crowd. They could only powerlessly turn away as Pinkie broke into a fit of laughter and choked out the four words that would seal her imminent doom. “Your hair looks silly! Bwhahahahaha!! It looks like somepony stuck two pointy eclairs on your head! Hehehehe! Are you a lady minotaur or something? Hahahaha!” The jaws of every Ponyvillian present were hanging open in shock as Pinkie Pie began rolling senselessly along the ground cackling like a hyena.
A vein popped in Juri’s left temple as the she-devil grit her teeth hard enough to chip a diamond. “So you think my hair is funny, huh?” Juri reached down and seized the still-giggling Pinkie Pie by the throat, lifting her into the air, where Pinkie’s chuckles had turned into a hoarse, raspy squeak. “Let’s hear you call my hair funny again you—”
“Funny? That’s not quite the way I’d put it.” Everypony gasped and turned their attention towards the one among them who dared to speak out against the beast who could end their lives at a whim, and to their surprise, it was none other than Rarity, looking as fabulous and feisty as ever. “I’d say it’s garish, tacky, and an utter eyesore, but I do suppose it’s fitting for such an uncivilized poorly-dressed bully such as yourself.”
Juri turned to face a rather emboldened Rarity, simultaneously dropping the gasping, blue-faced Pinkie Pie to the ground. “You know,” Juri sighed, “I wasn’t planning on killing anyone except for the lug I kicked through the wall for attacking me, and that idiot,” she pointed at Zangief, “for fun. But you, little Miss White unicorn, have persuaded me otherwise.” A sadistic grin crept across Juri’s face as her left eye began to glow an eerie purple. “Slow painful death for everyone! Starting with you!”
In the time that it took for Rarity to open her mouth to voice her shock at the audacious claim, Juri had vanished in a flash of purple light, leaving behind only a faint after-image. She reappeared behind Rarity an instant later, already whipping her left leg out, targeting the unicorn’s unprotected neck while the rest of the library could only look on in fear. Juri was taken off-guard as her bloodthirsty assault was halted prematurely when her foot collided with a wall of solid violet light, not three inches from Rarity’s neck. “Hey, what the—” The light began to envelop Juri’s foot, taking on an ethereal form as she was hefted into the air ankle first.
“Zangief, now!” Twilight shouted
“Dah!” Zangief lumbered forth in a clumsy, heavy-footed sprint, his outstretched hands finding purchase on Juri’s arm and thigh.
“Hey, what do you think you’re—”
“OORRRYAAAA!” Zangief roared, lifting Juri above his head.
“Hey! Put me down!” Juri kicked and struggled in the Russian’s iron grip, but it was to no avail.
“You wish to go down, yes? Allow me to oblige!” Zangief kicked both of his legs out from underneath himself. The downward force generated had effectively turned himself and Juri into a massive hammer, and Juri’s face was the impact surface. Between Juri’s pained screaming and the splintering crack of her head against the wooden floor, Zangief felt as though he’d finally conquered his fear of the assassin.
What Zangief didn’t realize when he released his grip on Juri’s limbs, was that the splintering sound he’d heard wasn’t Juri’s head impacting with the ground, it was her free hand digging through the floor as it took the brunt of Zangief’s slam. Juri recovered leisurely from her one-armed handstand, glaring at Zangief whose sudden burst of bravado was rapidly degrading into absolute terror. “Is it my turn? Good.” Juri reeled her leg back and whipped it forward, targeting Zangief’s completely exposed ribs.
“Not on my watch, ya varmint!” Applejack spun and bucked her hind legs into Juri’s kick, successfully stopping the attack.
“You want to play too? Fine by me!” Juri leapt into the air and brought her left leg down on Applejack like an axe, but she failed to note that Applejack wasn’t alone in this rescue effort.
A flash of multicolored light erupted underneath Juri’s exposed leg, revealing Rainbow Dash. “Hold it right there, you!”
The next thing Juri knew, she had been blown back across the library, stopping only after she been knocked through three bookshelves. Juri stood up slowly, wiping away some blood that had gotten in her eyes. She had to see which one of the soon-to-be-dead ponies had the fortitude and strength to deal her a blow like that, but instead she found herself surrounded.
“Four on one? Hardly seems fair,” Juri huffed.
“We’ll do whatever it takes to keep you from causing any more harm than you’ve already done.” Growled Twilight, horn aglow.
“Yeah, so I suggest you scram before things get ugly!” Rainbow Dash snorted, scuffing the ground, her wings buzzing excitedly.
“Oh, I think you misunderstood.” The ground beneath Juri’s feet began to radiate with dark purple energy. “What I meant to say was: it hardly seems fair for you.” She pulled her gloves down so they were snug against her wrists before playfully beckoning Rainbow Dash to come forward with a finger.
“All right, you asked for it! Come on, AJ!” With one mighty flap of her wings, Rainbow Dash cleared the short distance and opened up on Juri with a volley of rapid-fire jabs
“Right behind you, partner!” Applejack shouted, following the rowdy Pegasus into the fray.
On the other side of the library, Spike watched the contest in fearful fervor. He knew that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were fairly strong and could more than handle themselves in a tough situation, and that even if they failed, Twilight was there. She’d definitely figure out a way to defeat the monster. She always figured out a way to defeat the monster. Yet, as Spike watched Juri seize Rainbow Dash out of the air and ram the pegasus’ face into her knee, he began to have doubts. If only he was bigger, he could have lent his friends a claw, he thought. He began to curse himself for being so small and powerless. After all, his dragon-fire was weak and he couldn’t even fly like other dragons. What could he do to help?
“Pssst! Spikey! Over here!” Called an unidentified voice.
“What? Who said that?” Spike whipped his head around in search of the source of the voice, but all he saw were terrified ponies
“Behind you, in the book case.”
Spike turned around only to be greeted by two massive baby-blue eyes accompanying a massive Cheshire-grin. “Here, hold this.”
Before Spike could respond, a small box had been shoved into his chest. A second later, Pinkie Pie emerged from the shelf, grinning as though she hadn’t just been choked by a violent Korean woman. “It took me a while, but I found it!” Pinkie Pie said taking the box back from Spike.
In a brief moment of confusion at Pinkie’s behavior during a time of crisis, Spike’s fear was all but forgotten. “Found what?” He asked scratching his head.
“You’re gonna love this, Spikey!” Pinkie Pie popped open the box and presented its contents to a further confused Spike. “Bring back any memories?”
“Ummm, no?”
“No?” Pinkie asked confused. “What do you mean no? How could you forget about this!?”
“Well, Pinkie, I don’t recall doing anything with you that involved a box full of red mold.”
Pinkie Pie flipped the box around and looked its fermented contents over before face-hoofing herself. “Duh! Silly me, this is the box of emergency tarts I left in here months ago in case I ever get stuck listening to one of Twilight's lectures.“ Without a second thought, she popped the tarts in her mouth and tossed the box behind herself. This act caught the attention of Spike, who didn’t know whether to fear for his life or Pinkie Pie’s sanity. “What? There’s no point in wasting perfectly good tarts is there? Now where is it?” The potentially poisoned pink pony shoved her hoof back into the bookcase in search of her meticulously placed gadget.
“Pinkie, how long did you say those were in there?”
Pinkie ignored Spike’s question as her hoof landed on the object of her search. “Found it!” She pulled out another case and dropped it on the floor kicking it open immediately. “Now does this bring back any memories?”
Inside the case sat a familiar silver microphone that Spike hadn’t seen since the running of the leaves. Spike leaned down quite confused and picked up the microphone, before looking to Pinkie Pie for an explanation. “Okay, and I have a microphone.... why?
“Because I brought one too!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, pulling a similar microphone from her mane.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Spikey, we’re going to be announcers!”
“Announcers? Really? She’s about to kill us all,” Spike gestured to Juri who had stopped a double leg buck from Applejack, seized the earth pony’s legs, and delivered a devastating kick to the Earth Pony’s ribs. “and you want to emcee the fight?”
Pinkie Pie excitedly shook her head up and down in response.
Spike sighed and shrugged. “Well, if we’re going to die anyways, I may as well.”
“Oooh! Oooh! I’ll start it off! Ahem.” Pinkie Pie paused to turn her microphone on before resuming. “Fillies and gentlecolts, I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m here to welcome you to this afternoon’s main event where we have—” Pinkie Pie ceased her opening statement as she felt a claw jab her in the foreleg. “What is it Spike? I’m trying to announce here!”
“Fight’s over.” Spike pointed to Rainbow Dash and Applejack who lay unconscious before Juri. They were beaten, bruised, and their breathing was labored. She hadn’t so much as broken a sweat.
“Huh. Guess I broke these out for nothing,” Pinkie Pie said, disappointed.
“Come on, was that it?” Juri groaned. “Can’t any of you weaklings at least make this interesting for me before I finish you all off?” She looked around the crowd in hopes that somepony had enough of a spine to stand up to her, but all she saw was an ocean of fear-filled faces. Even Zangief cringed in under her gaze. Disappointing. “Well then, let’s get this over with—” A beam of radiant energy cut through the air, slicing Juri’s cheek. Juri was hardly phased by the attack, and it showed as she wiped the resulting trickle of blood away with her glove and licked it. “Sneak attack, huh? Now who would be stupid enough to do something like that? Could it have been...” Juri tapped her chin thoughtfully before shifting her gaze to Twilight Sparkle, whose horn glimmered with an aura of righteous purple magic. “You?”
“I won’t let you so much as touch anypony in this library, even it costs me my life,” Twilight said.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, Ponyville’s own Twilight Sparkle has stepped into the ring!” Spike Announced.
“Can this new hero prevent Ponyville’s complete and total devastation? Or will the crazy-haired she-ape seal all of our fates?” Asked Pinkie Pie, hamming up her newly adopted role of emcee, to try and instill some excitement in the crowd.
Ignoring Pinkie Pie, Juri grinned a shark-like grin, and her left-eye began to glow. “Why that’s quite a bold statement, little Ms. Unicorn. Let’s see you make good on that shall we?”
“Are you ready, fighters?”
“I can’t lose this, everypony’s life is on the line.” Twilight said to herself.
“Round one!
“Fight!”
Juri made the first move and took off sprinting at Twilight. Deciding that a height advantage was in order, she somersaulted into the air. At the peak of her jump, she threw all of her power behind her left leg, turning her descent into a merciless dive kick.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, it looks like Juri has made the first move, will this bode well for Twilight?”
“Wow! Check that out Spike, the crazy lady is flying! Looks like fun!”
“Pinkie, I think that’s more of a glide than it is a flight path. Just saying.”
“Wheee! Haha! I wanna do it!”
“Kiss it good night, Ms. Unicorn!” Juri cackled as her foot made contact with Twilight’s snout. To the assassin’s surprise, she passed straight through Twilight and landed on the wooden floor. It was as if the unicorn had never been there. “Hey, what the—”
Juri turned around only to see the illusion dissipate in a mist of purple magic and the real Twilight materialize in a similar haze.
“Zangief, now!” Twilight shouted!
“I am on it, dorogaya!” Zangief called as he leapt from atop a nearby bookshelf threatening to crush Juri. She had fallen for this trap hook line and sinker.
“This was an incredibly brilliant set up by Twilight and Zangief, wouldn’t you agree, Pinkie?”
“Oh, no! Giefy’s going to fall on that freaky ape-lady! Run freaky ape-lady run!”
“Uh, Pinkie, we kinda want that to happen.”
“But think about poor Giefy! He could get impaled on those silly hair horns of hers!”
“Right...”
Juri looked up just in time to watch Zangief fall towards her, his limbs spread in a sturdy star-shape for maximum she-devil crushing. Reacting quickly, Juri leapt and fell backwards purposely, rolling to recovery mere inches away from where he impacted on the ground. Juri’s evasion of the attack wasn’t without comeuppance from Twilight however. A narrow beam of heated purple light blazed past her neck.
“I’m getting really sick of you,” Juri growled before breaking into a run at Twilight. Even though the still floored Zangief was in her way, Juri didn’t change her course, but she did something that made every male in the room cringe in sync.
Having had just slammed his face into the ground with absolutely no cushioning, Zangief unsteadily and slowly picked himself from the floor. He was completely oblivious to what was charging up behind him.
Juri on the otherhand had originally planned on running over Zangief and stomping on the back of his neck for good measure, but as he lay on the ground legs spread before her, a much more sadistic and efficient idea popped into her mind. Juri stomped her left leg in between his thighs, which granted her right leg a dangerous amount of momentum that she delivered to Zangief’s legacy with a sickening crunch. One pained masculine squeal later, Zangief had been propelled from the ground towards Twilight by the sheer destructive force generated by Juri’s foot.
“Ouch! I’m sure every stallion in the audience felt and heard that one, I know I sure did...”
“Felt what?”
“You couldn’t possibly understand Pinkie. Just promise me that you’ll never buck a stallion in his pride.”
“In his what?”
"That's right Pinkie, keep wondering."
Twilight dropped to a crouch, allowing the massive Russian projectile to sail overhead into a row of bookshelves containing some particularly heavy reference books. “Zangief!” Twilight cried, completely oblivious to the fact that Juri had taken advantage of the distraction Zangief’s agony caused to get close to Twilight.
“I think you should be concerned with what’s about to happen to you,” Juri growled savagely.
Startled, Twilight flooded her horn with magic, imagining a wall between herself and Juri. A small barrier started to materialize around Twilight, but it was too slow to be effective at this range. Juri snaked herself around to an open section of the barrier, and snap-kicked Twilight in the horn. Immense pain traveled through Twilight’s brain from the horn, destablizing the flow of magic. Consequently the spell dematerialized in a puff of purple smoke.
“Oh you’re not going to get away from me this time.” Juri reached down and seized the shaken unicorn by the throat. “You were a bit of a pain to deal with compared to your weak little friends on the ground over there, but nothing I couldn’t handle—” Juri tilted her head to the side as Twilight fired off a desperate blast of magic. “Cute. I think I’ll have to break this little horn off before I break you, huh? No problem.” Juri licked her lips suggestively before whispering into Twilight’s ear. “I love to break things off of people.”
Juri intensified her grip on Twilight’s neck and flailed her left leg into Twilight’s side, eliciting a strained yelp from Ponyville’s last hope.
From the announcer’s vantage point, Spike watched on in horror and frustration. He couldn’t bear to watch as the pony who meant more than anything to him in the world, the pony he considered his sister, was mercilessly and cruelly beaten for sport by some tackily dressed thing he knew nothing about. “No more of this.”
Pinkie Pie turned her attention away from the abuse just as Juri dropped Twilight to the ground “Spikey?”
“I don’t want to see anymore of this.” Spike stood up and threw his microphone to the side. “I don’t care if I get hurt, I can’t just sit here and do nothing as she destroys everything I love!”
“Spike, no, she’ll destroy you!” shouted Rarity from the crowd.
Ignoring the pleas of his beloved Rarity, Spike leapt up, half waddling half-running at Juri with his arms outstretched, intent on doing something. He wasn’t sure what exactly, but it was definitely going to be something.
Unfortunately for Spike, Juri noticed the small purple and green not-quite-a-blur out of the corner of her regular not-bioengineered-for-evil eye. “Hahaha! And with a flick of the leg she had just finished abusing Twilight with, a ball of purple energy flew forth intercepting Spike, before sending him flying. The impact was like being hit by a brick wall forged from hopelessness and fire, but in stark contrast his landing was pleasant, like being cuddled by a very masculine walrus. Spike looked up to see what he had landed in, only to be greeted by the beaming, accepting , half-bearded face of Zangief.
“Comrade Spike, your bravery is commendable, worthy of a moustached warrior, but recklessness will only lead to your early demise, yes?"
“Zangief, are you sure you should be standing up after she— well, you know...”
Zangief waved off Spike’s concerns, and placed the dragon on one of his massive shoulders. “Do not worry about that now, comrade. There are much bigger issues at hand wouldn’t you agree?”
“Yeah, I guess but how are we supposed to stop a monster like her?”
“I have a plan to beat her, but I will need your help to do it.”
“I’ll do anything to help Twilight,” Spike declared with a clenched fist.
“Good.” Zangief lifted his tree-trunk like forearm up to Spike. “Grab on.”
Spike didn’t question Zangief’s logic. He simply did as he was told.
“Let us hope this works.” Zangief charged at Juri, pumping his arms for speed in the hopes he could reach an acceptable distance before she began peppering the air with more leg-borne energy blasts to keep him at bay. As it turned out, he wasn’t that lucky.
“So you’re back up again, huh?” Juri tossed the bruised and beaten Twilight to the ground behind her, giving her attention to the new threat. “I was just about to finish her off anyway, but I guess that can wait. Let’s see what you got!” Juri’s feet ignited into a blaze of purple flames. She began to spin in place, kicking her legs in Zangief’s direction at timed intervals, firing off a torrent of incandescent purple projectiles with each strike until she had filled the airspace around her with a sea of purple flame.
In the face of the storm, Zangief didn’t miss a beat. He rose his dragon adorned fist at the fast closing wall of energy. “Comrade Spike! Breathe fire, now!”
Spike filled his mouth with flames before he opened his maw, expelling a steady stream of of green fire and scrolls that met with and successfully neutralized Juri’s asssault.
Juri was amused at the fact that Spike and Zangief managed to make short work of her strongest long range attack. “Huh, so two weaklings team up to make one somewhat competent challenge. Interesting, but let’s see how well you can handle me at close range!” Juri dashed forward, spun, and exploded her leg outwards targeting Zangief’s midsection with a glowing foot. Little did she realize this was where the Red Cyclone made his money.
To Juri’s surprise, Zangief side stepped the attack and seized her exposed leg in a vice like embrace.
“Why you!” Using her captured leg as leverage, Juri spun her body in Zangief’s grip, and hurled her free leg towards his chin.
Zangief took note of this and initiated his own counter-measures. Pivoting his upper body along his hips in a descending vector, he managed to thrust Juri into the ground, dragging her along the crown of her head. Zangief aimed Spike at the now grounded and immobilized Juri, and the dragon obliged with a stream of green flame. Spike’s fire wasn’t strong enough to scald the she-devil’s skin, but it certainly left a decent burn pattern in addition to destroying Juri’s breastplate. Once Spike’s flames died down, Zangief lifted Juri above his head by the foot, and gradually lasso whipped her into a screaming frenzy until she reached a terminal velocity.
With one final revolution, he sighted the hole she had kicked Big Macintosh through, and hurled her at wall next to it. Juri penetrated the wall, and was sent skidding and bouncing into the street leaving a dug-in trail on the ground as she slid. Zangief and Spike definitely had Juri on the ropes now, provided the collision with the wall hadn’t killed her. Zangief lumbered after his still, unmoving quarry deciding that a friendly spinning piledriver was in order, however an unnatural sound like a blade slicing through the air stopped Zangief stride.
“What was that?” the Russian asked,
“What was what?” Spike gave Zangief a puzzled look. “I didn’t hear anything. Come on let’s go finish her off, big guy!” Spike cheered.
“Dah.” Zangief took one step forward and collapsed to the ground as three cuts simultaneously opened up on his side.
“Zangief!” Spike cried leaping off of his fallen comrade. He turned his attention to Juri who still hadn’t moved from the crater. He saw a new monster, wearing a mask, lifting her from the hole with one arm.
“Tsk, tsk,” the monster chastised. “That was quite an ugly thing of you to do to our problem child. Oh whatever are we going to do with her?” The masked figure whipped his arm to the side, revealing a claw that splattered the street with droplets of blood.
“Y-you, you’re Vega. One of Bison’s men,” Zangief choked, struggling to pull himself to his knees.
“And who says that unsightly beasts can’t be intelligent?”Vega mocked. “I’m surprised that you filthy animals managed to wound Juri here so badly, but what do you expect from the least experienced among us?” He looked past Zangief and saw Rainbow Dash and Applejack carrying Twilight out of the library. The three were in clear need of medical attention, and yet there was still some fight left in their weary eyes. “I see your side wasn’t without casualties either.”
“What on earth do the three of you think you’re doing?” shouted Rarity from inside the library. “You three are in no shape to fight another one of those things, much less walk, get back in there so that Fluttershy can dress those wounds.”
“Nuh-uh, no way Rarity,” said Applejack.
“P-Ponyville needs us, especially if there’s another one,” Twilight coughed.
“Yeah, I can still fight!” Rainbow Dash whinnied before a pain in her hindlegs caused her to crumple over, bringing her comrades down with her.
“As I said, you three are simply in no shape to fight,” Rarity huffed. “A lady is normally above such barabaric behavior such as fighting, but if need be, I shall take care of this... drab, new-comer myself.”
Vega scoffed at Rarity’s assessment and confidence. “While I would love to teach a homely creature such as yourself their place, I fear that I must pull this one out so we may treat her wounds. Besides I wouldn’t want to dirty my claw with the blood of the lower-class.”
“How dare you insult me, you repugnant beast!?”
“Insolent urchin! You would call me repugnant!?” Vega snarled. “You’ll live to regret those words. I swear it.” With one final look at Rarity so he would remember her face, Vega turned and disappeared into a nearby alleyway with Juri.
“Why that cowardly brute!” Rarity fumed.
No longer in any immediate danger, Zangief took this time to collapse on the ground. M. Bison had followed him into Equestria somehow. Whatever the Dictator had come here for, it certainly wouldn’t be good, but this wasn’t the time to think about that. He had to focus on getting some rest. The three cuts to his side weren’t deep enough to have hit anything vital, but after slamming the Ursa Major, and dealing with Juri Han, the Red Cyclone could safely say he was exhausted. A moment later, Zangief fell asleep where he lay on the ground,, while a crowd of grateful ponies surrounded him. Well, he hoped they were grateful.
