I'm not a fan of MLP, so being here is a nightmare come true, for me and them.
My name is Alan Barker. I'm an 18 year old High School student at Bendigo Senior Secondary College, Bendigo, Victoria. I have very few friends; and the few I do have seem obsessed with this series called My Little Pony. I don't share that obsession, but fortunately, it's the only thing I don't have in common with them.
So after a heated argument with them, I decided to go home and just give the show a chance. That was the plan. Before I know it, I'm sucked through the bathroom mirror in my house and falling to a watery grave. This story is somewhat cliched in the sense that I go from critic to Brony. But I'll tell you this; If they got through to me, they'll get through to you too.
Bastards! Those Fuckers! Why, why am I friends with them? All they ever talk about is that damn show. Why would they care, they're not little girls. What's so great about technicolor ponies brandishing tattoos on their asses, giving them a stupid name like 'Cutie Mark'? Fuck them all!
I was furious! After several weeks of non-stop chatting during Recess and Lunch breaks at School about that crime against Nature, 'My Little Pony', I finally snapped. All my friends were pro-pony, it practically engulfed their social lives. I addressed their sick obsession with the show, giving them the third degree. All I got out of it was a group of pissed off sub-species of humans, and menacing stares. Most would believe that it wasn't worth it to speak out... but then again, those people weren't me. I was not going to bottle up my feelings toward the show just for their sake. Fuck that!
As I let the hot water from my shower hit the back of my neck and flow down my body, I considered my options. It would be so easy to just apologize to them and let them ruin their lives fawning over imaginary creatures. But I was not the kind to apologize when I was not in the wrong. That may have been why I couldn't maintain a romantic relationship, but that nonsense about the woman always being right was just shit. Notice how they're often wrong when you're not trying to date them.
No, I was not wrong. The series was a waste to those who were beyond the age range the show stood for. The only other alternative would be to give the series a shot. Maybe seeing it instead of hearing about it would make me realize just what exactly drew the others to it.
With my hair and body all clean, I turned off the taps to the shower, reveling in the warmth of the last sprinklings of water before the comparatively cold air reached my surface. I stepped out of the cubicle and grabbed the nearest towel. Looking out the window, the moonlight shone through, touching everything it could. I dried my hair and dragged the towel over my body to wipe the droplets of water from my skin. I often kept a pair of underwear and some pants resting on the bath tub's edge so I wouldn't have to walk around the house in my towel. It was as I was donning these garments that I noticed something odd.
With all the moisture in the air, the bathroom mirror was surprisingly clear and untouched by the steam and humidity. That's interesting. I thought to myself, angling my head to look at the mirror side on. It appeared that the steam was going through the mirror, instead of touching it. I slid the reflective glass to the side, revealing the cabinet behind. I felt around the inside, noting everything was dry, and Narnia certainly wasn't at the back. I slid the mirror back and as it went as far as it could go, I noticed the reflective surface wobble slightly, like something between a watery surface and jelly.
That's very interesting. I thought again. I contemplated what to do. What had changed between the time I'd entered the shower and now? There was moisture in the air, steam and water vapor. The moonlight was touching the mirror. That has to be it. For some obscene reason, the thought that I was dreaming didn't even enter into my mind. I reached a hand out and touched the mirror. To my surprise, but subconsciously, as was expected of a jelly mirror, the hand went through. The other side felt wet, but not entirely watery. It was like a cool equivalent of the humidity in the bathroom. Exactly how I imagined a cloud to feel like.
I ran from the bathroom and shot right into my bedroom. If this was a chance to enter either a portal to another world, or another country, I wanted to take that chance. Fucked if I passed that up. It was strange. I wasn't much for road trips, despite being an Australian ( and we were stereotypically known for our joy of bush-walking). However, this opportunity just couldn't be passed up. I thought about ringing a friend to go through with me, but after that argument, they could all go fuck themselves and their technicolor ponies. I packed my school bag with things I thought I'd need, including my ID, in case I wound up inexplicably in another country, hopefully one that spoke English. I packed an extra pair of clothes, including a flannelette shirt (yet another Aussie stereotype). A torch, cigarette lighter (zippo), My ipod was already in there, as was my laptop. If anything, I wouldn't get bored. Also, the bag was waterproof, thanks very much 'Aussie Disposals'. That little feature would certainly help, especially since the other side was wet.
With everything I thought I might need, I ran back to the mirror in the bathroom. I turned the light off so as not to waste power. My eyes were given the beautiful sight of a slightly glowing mirror, radiating a luminescent glow throughout, making me look like an angel.
There was only one way to enter the mirror, seeing as it was so high off the ground and above the sink. I checked to make sure it was still a portal and hadn't gone back to being a mirror before I took a few steps back and ran for it.
Wait, how will I get back? that thought came too late as I was half way through already. By the time the severity of such an afterthought hit me, I was falling. Fucking hindsight! I thought as I looked around. Everything was grey for a few seconds. Then the grey just lifted. I looked back to it and nearly choked on my heart. It was a cloud that I felt on this side of the mirror.
"Oh, you motherFUCKER!!!" I shouted as I turned around in the air, wanting to see how long I had left to live. Not long by the looks of things. Beneath me was a rather bright land, and my bulls-eye was a large blue lake. At the angle I was descending, I was about to experience death by belly flop. An extremely painful forethought.
I weighed my options. I only had two. I could either land head first and hope the shallow bottom would kill me instantly and painfully. Or I could remove my bag from my back, angle myself into a pin-dive and hope to god that the lake wasn't as shallow as it looked. In the end, survival won out and I executed plan B. I made sure that the bag was just in front of me, so if I did survive, I could grab it underwater and swim to the surface, assuming my legs weren't broken.
It was a painfully slow descent, wondering if I'll survive or if I'll die. More so wondering if I'll die quickly, or painfully. I watched as the Lake came closer and I held my breath just as my feet touched the surface. The next thing I knew, was cold and that unmistakable bubbling sound rising all around me. I waited for the bottom of the lake to break my legs, but I felt nothing like that. Could it be that I was in luck? I kicked my legs, hoping to slow whatever descent remained, as well as reduce the amount of space I had to ascend should I survive. I reached out for my bag and found it. Gripping the strap tightly, I kicked as hard as I could and found myself able to breathe within a few seconds. I was still alive. I dared to open my eyes and the light of the world hit me like a train. With that and the cold water, I was disorientated. All I knew for certain was that I had survived. Adrenaline allowed me to force myself to the edge of the lake that had wound up saving me. The instant I felt dirt in my hand, I threw everything I had into climbing out and just rested on the edge, face turned to the sky. I spent minutes just lying there, trying to calm myself down. I listened to the sounds around me, birds chirping, other animals making those unique sounds. I relaxed slightly, taking in the scent of fresh grass and forest trees. Before I knew it, I’d fallen asleep.
My dreams were vivid. I heard voices within darkness. Strange voices with incomplete grammar. Words were missing, as if talking to another person whose English were novice at best. I soon discovered that the voices were real. I awoke underground, the scent of dirt and dog filling my nose. I groaned, sitting up, but I hit my head on stone.
“Ah, FUCK!” I shouted, the last word echoing throughout the dark expanses. Suddenly, there was the chinking of armour coming from close by and I was soon greeted by very butch, but small dogs wearing golden plated armour, the same armour I heard prior to their appearance.
“What means this word, fuck? I not know it.” The dog said. My face froze in place and I could feel my cheek lifting spasmodically in a series of twitches.
“You…spoke?” I asked.
“Silence prisoner! What are you?” the second one asked. I refrained from telling him, disliking having to have to explain my own species to a dog.
“I said ‘what are you’?!” the dog began to shout.
“You said silence, how can you expect me to answer after I was told to be silent?” I asked, testing his intelligence.
“I…uh… I guess you’re right. Tell me, what are you?” he asked. I frowned at him. I suddenly noticed that the darkness of the underground was lit up by diamonds and all sorts of gems.
“I am a human.” I replied, looking about the area. There were no prison bars preventing me from escaping.
“What’s a human?” asked the first guard. “Is it food?” the second one asked. I suddenly got a feeling that I imagined Alice in Wonderland would have gotten were she to discover there were no other humans within the world she had entered.
“A Human is a much more evolved creature compared to mutts like you!” I growled. Clearly their intelligence wasn’t lacking entirely. They took offense to my insult almost immediately.
“Silence, fool prisoner! We will not be insulted by our prey!” the second one said. Suddenly, a third dog approached. He was taller than the second dog, but not quite as tall as the first.
“How is our prisoner?” he asked.
“He is talkative, but not as whiny as that white and purple pony.” said the second guard, shuddering at the memory of said pony. The others followed suit.
“Did you say pony? As in Equestrian Pony?” I asked, leaning back into the shadows.
“Yes, that’s right. We are beneath Equestria.” The third dog replied, his tone seeming slightly curious. “W-why?” he asked, leaning forward, trying to get a better look at my face.
“Then that would make you the Diamond Dogs my friends speak of?” I asked, my tone becoming more aggressive. The three diamond dogs nodded in response.
“Why?” the third repeated. I just crossed my arms.
“Then that would mean you intend to put me to work in helping you find diamonds, correct?” I asked, my tone deepening. The first two seemed wary, leaning away slightly, while the third sounded slightly rattled.
“Y-yes. W-why do you ask?” he asked once more. My arms fell to my sides, crackling. The sound echoed, causing the dogs to suddenly shiver.
“As if I would become a slave to mongrel dogs who live in the world of Equestria!” I growled, reaching my right arm forward, grabbing the third dog by the head. Had I known my mirror would take me to this nightmarish place, I would have taken a sledgehammer to it instead. Thanks to my friends' constant ramblings, I knew pretty much everything that went on in the show. And I would be damned if I slaved in the dirt for stupid creatures such as this. No, I did not survive death for that. I had to get out of here, and these three were in my way.
I always was good at finding a silver lining in every situation. The grey cloud here would have been that I was quite literally in a toon world. The silver lining, I got the opportunity to beat the crap out of them all. That said, I took an uncharacteristic pleasure in smacking those Diamond dogs around. Being an intimidating two legged creature three times their size would do that for you. Luckily, I knew how to work my appearance to my advantage.
I wasn’t one for physical activity, I preferred to write, mainly horror. And let me tell you, every thrilling moment would be a ‘Fuck Me!’ moment. For the Diamond dogs, this was one such moment. I used the darkness of the cave to my advantage.
While I was certain their own eyes had adjusted to the dim light from the crystals around here, they couldn’t possibly see through the darkness between those lights. Those were my advantages.
I knew how to frighten them, I knew how to reach them, and thanks to those three Diamond Dogs from before, I now knew how to kill them. I was good with voices and sounds. I couldn’t decide whether to use Crispin Freeman’s ‘Alucard’ voice, or Brian O’Niel’s ‘Asura’. In the end, I chose neither and went for Johnny Depp’s ‘Sweeney Todd’. His blend of low tone and a slightly whispery voice helped to make the fur on their necks stand up.
“♪There’s a hole in the world
like a great black pit!
And it’s filled with people
who are filled with shit!
And the vermin of the world
inhabit it!♪”
Thanks to the layout of the tunnels, the diamond dogs couldn’t pinpoint the origin of the song I was singing. That was good, as it helped to distract them as well as separate them. The two closest to me and facing away from me, I noticed carried swords. Perfect. I always wanted a sword. I waited until all were facing away from me before I struck. I was quick and wasted no amount of strength in taking the first one out. Wrapping my arms around his neck and strangling him like Bardock, I added to the pressure, breaking his neck.
Before he could hit the ground, I grabbed his sword from his hand and retreated back into the shadows. The others heard their comrade fall and turned to face me, but I was already out of sight. I snuck around to the other sword wielding dog and with quick precision, I covered his maw and sliced his throat, stealing the other sword.
Now I was fucking Starkiller with a man’s voice! I shifted my grip on the swords to match the character. There were three Diamond Dogs left in this hallway. Divided between their fallen comrades, the third one stood out like a sore thumb. The opportunity was just too good to pass up.
Such fun was this, I almost forgot where I was. The lone Diamond Dog took a sword to the knee, just to get that joke out of my system before losing his head in the chaos. The remaining two had spears. Now this would be a game of chance. Would I be lucky enough to get them, or would my luck run out and they get me?
I ran up to them, revealing myself for the first time. They were ready though. They thrust their spears out toward me. I threw one blade up to knock their weapons away before closing the distance. I corrected myself and chose a move from the Starkiller’s repertoire.
I threw my right blade up, cutting a Diamond Dog’s arm clean off before using my momentum to turn around, impaling the same dog with the left sword. I then took a second to prepare myself before lifting that dog up with the sword. I then threw him at the other dog who fell over with his comrade weighing him down. I took a moment to relax before walking past, stabbing the survivor in the head before walking on.
I wasn't normally good with combat or precision outside of gaming, and even then it took me a few moments to mentally prepare. But somehow, I found myself mimicking every move and every swing perfectly, as if my imagination controlled my body for me. I knew better than to think such things, but I couldn't help but explore this possibility. I remembered hearing one of my friends contemplating that if a Human were to find a way into Equestria, would he be able to learn magic, and if so, what would their limits be? Perhaps the magic would already be within them, and it would be limited to the true nature of Humanity; fighting.
I abandoned the train of thought as I heard the culmination of angry and frightened sounds up ahead. I decided to test my theory and abandon stealth. With both swords in hand, I stepped calmly and slowly forward. I knew I was within their sights when they entered mine. Growls came from most of them, the minority of them began to shake with fear. No surprise seeing as I was 8 feet tall and they were only between 3 and 5 feet. I made a few challenging spins with my blades, using that time to prepare for a fight.
All the Diamond Dogs, including the scared ones charged me. I prepared for the onslaught and swung at the first one that came within reach. The skirmish began. The dogs were slow, so I had time to parry one or two at a time before cutting them down before the next lot would attack. I turned on my heel, swinging hard to parry a rather big one. The collision caused us both to falter, but I recovered quicker and sliced him across the middle, using the momentum of the strike to parry another.
They were closing in quickly and it was becoming difficult for my body to keep up with the sheer numbers. I searched my memory for a scenario like this that didn't involve surrender or dying. I'd seen Roxas jump over the Heartless and run up a building and I'd seen Starkiller destroy the nearest stormtroopers around him and knock back the furthest ones.
As if by magic, my body reacted and I found myself crouching in the air, ripples of what looked like translucent energy surrounding me. On a whim, I threw my body outward, and the energy reacted as expected. I'd just managed to pull off a fictitious telekinetic attack on a group of fictitious dogs. It wasn't 'the force', that would have been crazy. No, it had to be something different. Perhaps going to the magical guru of this world would be the best bet.
I suddenly began to smell something disgusting, something burnt. I looked around me to find cinders and ashes rising around me, circulating through the air. There were considerably fewer Diamond Dogs now too. The conclusion was obvious... Some had run away.
As one would expect, I was not happy. Hell was supposed to be fire and brimstone, but instead I got the realm of horses with the Narnia complex. I'd found my way outside, only to have been surrounded by what I assumed were the Royal Guard. Apparently, the Diamond Dogs had dug an emergency tunnel without a care as to where it would come out. So I followed them out into the middle of Canterlot's City Square. There was a fountain and all.
It was strangely comforting to find out that the ponies had some sense of danger. When a strange bipedal creature covered in Diamond Dog Blood follows them out of a hole in the middle of their city, it's good to know that a third of them will wet themselves, while the other two thirds will call for help. Hey, it was Canterlot, city of the Spineless. As the guards emerged from within the crowd, I contemplated my options. Kill, kill or mass slaughter. If my magic did allow my body to react the way I wanted it to, then I could take out a few dozen before they got me. Then again, I wanted to live through this nightmare. My final option was...
"Surrender immediately and come with us!" A large white Unicorn with a blue mane said. He was clad in a deep purple armour that brought out the blue in both his eyes and mane. There was my final option. It occurred to me that they'd be extremely surprised to actually have that line work for once. And me, wanting to mind-fuck them as well as destroy them couldn't help but take that opportunity. Without hesitation, I dropped my swords and knelt down before them. I got what I wanted from them. Their stunned faces said it all. By Celestia, it actually worked? What the Buck, it never works! I don't want to live on this planet any more. They were all thinking these things.
"Very good. Now are you going to come quietly?" the same pony asked. I believed him to be Twilight's brother, Shining Armour, but never having actually seen the series, I could only go by verbal descriptions, and that armour he wore was the only lead I had to go on. Once again, I complied, nodding to let him know I would. I figured if I really had to talk to these things, I might as well talk to the highest authority, and them alone.
I stood again, boxed in by the guards as they led me to the castle. On the way, I wondered if I should perhaps mention that I knew about them through a television show that was aimed at little girls. Perhaps they would take offence to such an insinuation. But from the look of their weapons, they wouldn't even know what a television was, let alone a series. I could bend the truth and say that they were from a book series, which there would no doubt be written novella either in hard copy or fanfics on the internet. Then there was explaining where I was from. I could have entertained the idea of using a fictitious world, or claimed to be an alien. That was another thing. While I looked exactly the same, so did the ponies. The only difference was that they were in 3d. And the textures were somewhat more realistic. It was like MLP meets Final Fantasy.
Despite my observations and thoughts, I still held no desire to learn about the race before me. The magic however, that was another story. Were I allowed to learn it, no doubt Twilight would do an Equestrian version of Sheldon Cooper and ask in rhetoric; 'What is Magic?' and go through the entirety of it's history. Which given there were Unicorns, would be a great deal of Unicorn history. Still, a small price to pay.
I barely noticed the castle as we stepped through. I only knew we'd arrived after hearing the guards exchanging greetings. My thoughts were brought to a halt as the throne room doors opened. It was strange. The doors almost seemed to be a barrier for those who lurked within. I was immediately assaulted with a feeling of intense heat and cold at the same time. It made me start, but I quickly regained my composure. Looking towards where that feeling had originated, I saw what I could only assume were Celestia and Luna in all their technicolour glory. Their court was not in session, it seemed. Perhaps they were shooed out just for me.
The Captain of the Guard dismissed his soldiers and bowed to the Princesses before departing himself. I was left in front of the so-called gods, unshackled and unarmed, save for my own magic, which I still hadn't had a grasp on yet. They just stared at me, but I stared back, my eyes focusing on the space between them. It felt like a stare off, were it not for the fact, I wasn't actually making eye contact. Nevertheless, I held my ground, such as it was. I'd be damned if I was going to let a couple of ponies frighten me.
"What is your name?" the white one asked. I was hesitant to give one. How dare she ask such a thing! My refusal to answer was met with that overwhelming heat again. So that was them. I thought. Though I didn't know much about this magic, I figured perhaps it would allow me to reciprocate that strange, almost aura-like interrogation method. Almost immediately after I thought about it, I thought I heard an echo of a growl, like that of a wolf. I then noticed the two ponies begin to breathe as though they'd experienced heart burn for the first time. I let the thought of returning the favour slide and immediately afterward, they corrected themselves.
"Alan Barker." I finally said. throughout the time I'd been standing before them, my expression had not changed from 'annoyed', and this was clear to me in the way they mirrored it. They didn't bother waiting for the name to sink in.
"What are you?" the white one demanded. I could tell she was waiting to make another move, different from before. However, I began to think. Should she discover the nature of humanity, she may deem me a danger to her race (she wouldn't be far wrong). As such, I may be executed. I decided then and there not to divulge anything about my race, not even its name.
As expected, they both decided to show me the extent of their magic. A transparent sun and moon grew from within them and rotated around their bodies. I thought of that time in Bleach when Ichigo faced off against Kenpachi. His Spiritual pressure took on the form of his hollow mask. I decided to go with that option. Sure enough, the sun and the moon were met with a large wolf that seemed to contain a hurricane within itself. Either that or a hurricane had taken the form of a wolf.
I watched as the ponies' auras died down, and mine did the same. A thought came to mind; perhaps my magic didn't just enhance my body, perhaps it enhanced my thoughts and took form, in which case, magic to me was limited to my imagination. And I had next to no limits when it came to that. This would require further testing, however.
"What are your intentions toward Equestria?" the pony asked again. This one I could answer.
"To depart it." I said, plain and simple.
"We cannot allow that. You have spilled blood on Equestrian soil." Celestia stated.
"Wrong! I have spilled blood beneath Equestrian soil, also the blood did not belong to an Equestrian. Your argument is invalid." I replied. I myself was surprised... surprised by how easy it was to shut her up. Both of them seemed stunned, as though they knew about a loophole and never expected anyone to discover it.
"The Diamond Dogs formed a tunnel entrance within Equestrian soil, therefore, the tunnels themselves became a part of our territory." she argued.
"The last drops of blood were spilled before the tunnels connected to the surface." I rebuked. Once again, they were miffed. "You have no grounds upon which to detain me, you have no means to entrap me, and I have no reason to remain here any longer." I then turned to leave.
"We just want to make sure that you have no intention of going to war with us." the black one, Luna finally spoke. I turned to face her.
"Then make sure the guards don't try to stop me on my way out." I replied, pressing on. As I reached for the door, it was opened all of a sudden and I was knocked back. The next thing I noticed was a purple blur, then darkness as I lost consciousness on the marble ground.
I awoke to the drip, drip of water hitting a stone surface. My mind was fuzzy and it was difficult to see. In fact, it was almost pitch black. I groaned in annoyance as I rolled over, feeling cold stone beneath me. That woke me up. My eyes shot open and I went to stand, but found I couldn't even sit up. My body was tied down with rudimentary bindings, such as shackles around the wrists and ankles, as well as leather straps around the torso and pelvis.
Celestia and the purple blur must have heard me, because they were looming over me within seconds. That was Twilight Sparkle. The main member of the Mane six that tormented me so. I was so close I could wring her neck, if it weren't for these shackles.
So there I lay, completely vulnerable to those disgustingly sweet creatures. No doubt the bindings around me were specially made to counteract magic, but I figured I'd try that after they were gone. Then again, I could strangle them with the chains. All I could do now though, was give them the evil eye. Not entirely as effective as Lelouch's but I didn't want to go for that. Still, it freaked Twilight out, and that would do for now.
"I'll ask again; what are you?" Celestia asked. That question was starting to piss me off.
"A sparrow." I replied. A frown appeared on her calm face.
"Don't lie to me." she said.
"Why not? I've no allegiance to you, I don't care about you, or Equestria. What I do care about is being strapped to this altar like a ritual sacrifice." I replied. Celestia and Twilight paused for a moment, contemplating the idea of such a tradition.
"Well get comfortable, because until you tell me what you really are, you're not leaving. Those shackles are specifically designed to negate all magic." she said.
"I figured as much. But I'd sooner rip my own limbs off and worm my way out of these bonds than tell you anything about myself." I declared.
"Then you'd best get started." she challenged. Without hesitation, I began squirming under the leather restraints. It would be simple enough to slide out from under them. It was my limbs I was worried about. In my position, it wasn't possible for me to rip them off. I'd have to chew them off, and that would be overkill. Still, I struggled. Wriggling and fidgeting, I managed to get the torso strap over my head. I could sit up now. I couldn't reach my legs, but I pulled against the shackles on my wrists. This would hurt, but with any luck, one of them would buckle.
Speaking of buckling, I felt my left shoulder pop, as the bone dislocated itself from the rest of me. The same thing happened again with the right shoulder. Both ponies flinched at the sounds. I dared not cry out. I was determined to show them how far I would go. Struggling against the pain, I had to let something out as the wrists popped out of place as well. A pained yell escaped me and I just continued to pull.
"OKAY! Okay! You win. Just... for the sake of my stomach, stop struggling. I'll let you out of there." Celestia caved in. I stopped what I was doing and slumped down, not caring where my arms were at that point. I began panting, deep raspy breaths that were like Nature's kiss of life.
"Tell your stomach... it can go... digest itself." I said between breaths.
With my pride intact, such as it was, I was escorted (much to my chagrin) to one of the guests' quarters. Somehow, I'd gone from being naked and tied to a stone slab, to being in my own room invited to a dinner with the Princesses. I didn't know which was worse at this point.
The room was as one would expect from a room in a castle. Primitive, but classy, much like rich people in terms of personality. The walls were nothing special, just carved stone. No paint job, no wallpaper. Though the roof had a tapestry, but I couldn't make out what it was. The furniture was like that of what I'd seen on t.v. It was like those guys you'd see at the introduction of a movie or episode; he'd be sitting in a chair with a red, black or brown robe on, a book in one hand, a glass of wine in the other. He'd be sitting by a fireplace, sometimes with his back turned to it.
I wanted to say Mahogany chair, but it didn't seem descriptive enough. The bed was much the same. A four poster bed with drapes overhead. My things were sitting on the end of the bed, standing out like a steel blade among wooden swords. I approached it and discovered what looked like a change of clothes beside my bag. Given that I was still naked, I was not looking forward showing up for dinner with a boner (due to cold of course).
The clothes were initially black, save the shirt which was the standard off-white. There was a tie to go with the piece. I almost wondered if other humans had been here before. Then again, having never seen the show, I couldn't tell what their fashion was like. I was just glad there weren't any frills. Overall, the clothes were a good fit, even the in-seam. It was like they'd been especially tailored for me. Given that the clothes were shaped to fit a human and not a pony, that was likely the case. They better not have touched my junk while they were taking my measurements. I thought as I did up the tie. I walked over to the mirror that was by the door. I looked good in this.
Something caught my eye though as I observed my profile. Something was off, but I couldn't place it. It was staring me right in the face, but I just couldn't see it. I decided to leave it be for the time being. Perhaps it would come to me later. I took a few more seconds to straighten up my tie before I concluded I was ready. Seeing myself like I was, I took a moment to reflect on the issue.
"Why am I bothering to dress up for these ponies? Not like I care about what they think of me. Guess I'm just hungry. It won't kill me to play along for dinner. Fuck, I feel like a doll in a dollhouse. Those Princesses are the snotty kids who like to play dress-up." I fell back onto the bed and sighed.
"It won't always be like that though. I'll either go home, or I'll be blacklisted by PeTA." I concluded before I heard a knock on the door. "Who's there?!" I asked.
"My name is Proper, Sir. I was instructed to guide you to the Dining Hall. We'll head there when you're ready." my guest sounded like an Englishman, but I knew better. He was a Butler, that much was obvious. I rose from the bed and approached the door, opening it. The face of a beige pony in a penguin suit greeted me. He had a grey mane and tail with a moustache that covered his top lip. He looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and fear. Word about my encounter with the Diamond Dogs must have spread already.
"Lead the way." I simply said.
The silence turned out to be more annoying than the prospect of conversation with these ponies. The Dining hall was exactly what it sounded like. A single hall meant for the single purpose of dining. A large wooden table roughly three meters wide and a mile long was what I sat down to. Celestia and Luna sat at the end of the table, Twilight to Celestia's right. I expected to dine with just those three at least, a couple of nobles at the most, but I noticed what I deduced to be the Mane six seated along either side of the table. Then there was a small gecko sitting at the table too. There were several places between me and them. I chose to sit at the opposite end of the table.
Celestia had decided to waste her time in introducing the five strangers to me, as well as their pet lizard. The orange mare sitting closest to me was Applejack. She was easily the most distinguishable of the five due to the large hat on her head. I was no expert on pony fashion, but it seemed to suit her all the same.
Next to her was a cyan Pegasus with a chromatic mane and tail. I knew her name before it was uttered to me. Rainbow Dash, easily the favourite among my friends, with the timid animal-savvy Fluttershy running a close second. Said Fluttershy sat to Luna's left, never having made eye contact with me. Left to her was Pinkie Pie, the only one smiling at the situation, at least until we made direct eye contact. It was interesting watching her hair deflate like a balloon. The action earned a moment of pause with the introductions.
Then there was Rarity, the fashionista. Given her disgusted look towards me, I hoped to god that she wasn't the one who took my measurements and did my clothes. Finally, the pet. Spike had very few resemblances to a Dragon, save the strange coloured scales and the ability to breathe fire. He had no horns. Some might argue that the Spines would be proof enough, but spines were common among reptiles. Every time I looked at him, I thought Spyro would be disappointed.
I didn't deign to respond with my own name. I'd already given it to Celestia and Luna once. If they felt these seven would need to know it, then they could tell it.
It had been ten minutes since the introductions had been made in vain. The ponies refused to even twitch, save Celestia and Luna. Rainbow Dash seemed to be having trouble keeping still, but she was trying nonetheless. I just leaned back in my chair, using the arm to rest my own on so as to support my head. I closed my eyes and just tried to go to sleep. The boredom was tiring to no end.
Sleep was not to come to me as Celestia chose to break the silence with a subject that had some semblance of importance. "I took the liberty of having the Chefs cook us some of everything, as I didn't know what you ate. Would you care to enlighten us?" she asked.
I opened my eyes and looked at her for a few seconds while I chose how to answer. "I'm an Omnivore, which means I can digest basic fruits and vegetables, but not plantation such as flowers, grass or hay. Although Rose petals seem to be an odd exception. On top of that I can also eat meat, but since your kind are herbivores, that's unlikely to be on the menu." I replied, saying no more on the matter.
"So he speaks." Rarity said with an unamused tone to her voice. I gave her an unamused look in return.
"Not to bigots." I replied, closing my eyes and my mouth afterwards. All I heard was the mare stumbling over her own words, no doubt unused to being treated in such a manner. Perhaps these ponies were nobility after all. The gentle snicker from across the table shot that theory to hell.
"Must you be so rude, Alan?" Celestia spoke up. My eyes made contact with her own and we just exchanged eerie glances toward each other for another minute. "You don't like us." It was more of an observation than a question, but I felt compelled to answer.
"I don't." I replied.
"May I ask why that is so? Have we done anything to make you hate us?" she asked.
I hesitated to answer. I couldn't tell her it was because of a TV show. "You mean besides tying me up in a dungeon before?" I retorted.
The Alicorn seemed to falter at my statement. "I'll admit, there is cause for you to dislike us for that, but your hatred seems to stem from further back. I'm certain our kind have never met, so what could we possibly have done that could make you hate us so much?"
The question was a good one, of that there was no doubt. My answer did not come so easily to me as the others. "It's difficult to explain." I replied. I could tell immediately that Celestia's plan was to try and remove my hatred, for she offered me a way out of the conversation.
"Say no more then. Perhaps in time, you'll find a way to answer the question. For now, let us eat." As if to impress me, the cooks emerged from the kitchen doors carrying the trays of food on trolleys. The timing was too perfect. We were served our meals at the same time, with a sort of buffet along the table in addition. The lids came off and I found my mouth watering at the smell of the food. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until that moment.
I did notice however, that the kitchen staff were nervous about getting too close to me. They served me my plate with reservation, as if I would snap and bite their hooves off if they got too close. I almost considered teasing them, but I didn't want them to shit themselves and stink up the dining room. That being said, I wasn't going to put their minds at ease either. A few of the braver ones who came too close (or my view of too close) received direct eye contact with me. I felt like I had the power to petrify all I saw. In a way, I did. The ponies went still as statues for the better half of a minute before backing away slowly.
"Alan, please. Don't be so cruel to the staff. They no doubt worked hard to make the meals to your liking." Celestia chimed in, breaking the spell I had over them.
"The fearful often provide quality offerings to those they perceive as dangerous. In the hopes that I don't decide to eat them instead. Nevertheless, I shall spare them further fear. I do not eat raw meat. And pony is not a digestible source of food for me." I said. Some of the ponies seemed to release the breath they were holding in.
I took a deep breath through the nose and found myself suddenly very tired. The events of the day seemed to be catching up with me. I let the air out of my lungs and turned to the still slightly nervous staff, who stiffened at my gaze. "...Thank you." I said before observing my plate to see what was edible. There were; apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, some lettuce, tomatoes. Virtually a fruit and vegetable salad was before me. I found all but the lettuce and tomatoes enticing. I never liked them much.
I looked back up to my hosts and saw them eyeing me strangely. "What?" I asked.
"I'm surprised to hear you thanking somepony." Twilight uttered.
"I give credit where credit's due. As Celestia said, these ponies no doubt did their best to cater to my needs. A sign of gratitude is the least I can offer in return." I said, giving her a moment to ponder my words. "Besides, one must know me before they can be surprised by what I do or do not say." I added. I heard a grumble come from the lavender mare.
Silence fell over the dinner table as we all ate. At least I was silent. None of them dared interrupt my meal. No doubt some of them wanted to though. With every passing minute, I found my eyes growing heavier. A yawn escaped my lips and I instinctively covered my mouth. With my meal finished, I slid back in my seat and rested my head on my hand. I didn't expect to get any sleep, but I thought I'd try nonetheless. As it turned out, I did sleep.
