Discord looked out over the Canterlot skyline, from his balcony at the Palace. Though Celestia had given him a room here – and a rather good room, by pony standards – he hardly ever visited it.
“Ah, Discord.” said a purple pony, flying towards the balcony. “I see you got my note.”
“Twilight.” said Discord, with a nod. “I did indeed. Though I don't see why you thought I would...” He waved an eagle claw in a vague gesture. “...well... I mean, I'm a creature of chaos. I have a reputation to maintain, you know.”
“Well, if you're worried about your reputation,” said Twilight, “nopony needs to know. We can retreat to your apartment, and I'm sure you can ensure that no-one interrupts us.”
“No, the reputation's not really that important.” shrugged Discord. “The real reason is... well... it's just boring. Too structured, too... predictable.”
“Then why did you even come here today?” asked Twilight.
Discord shrugged. “Because you suffer under a severe misconception about me, about the way I think, and about what I want out of life. What you're trying to do is to convince me that order need not be boring, that structure is somehow helpful. If I turned you down, you'd find some other way to try to teach me that lesson, and I doubt I'd get much entertainment from that.” Discord sighed at that dreary thought. “But if, on the other paw,” he continued, brightening up, “if I can teach you what I really want out of life, then there's a fair chance that you can come up with something interesting for me to do – something that's actually entertaining.”
“And... you're going to show me that over a chess game?” asked Twilight.
“The chess game,” replied Discord, “is going to be absolutely boring. Let's get that part over with as quickly as possible. I'll play black, mate in 53.”
Twilight frowned. “We haven't even set up the board yet, how can you predict checkmate so early?”
Discord shrugged, and snapped his talons. A chessboard, fully set up, complete with chess clock, appeared on a small table on the balcony. “Mate in 53.” he repeated. “Can we do this quickly? I have a point to make.”
After some thought, Twilight moved her pawn one square forward. She reached out to tap the button on the clock, but once again, before she could do so, Discord nodded at his pieces. A black knight wriggled, and leapt over the black rook, to threaten Twilight's pawn. “Mate in 23.” intoned Discord, sounding bored.
Discord's clock had not yet ticked even once.
“Mate in three. Check.” intoned Discord, as his queen flowed(1) across the board.
Twilight looked over the board for a few minutes, then nodded. “Mate in three.” she conceded. “Nothing I can do about it.” She glanced over at the clock again, which had still not ticked even once on Discord's side, and then back at Discord. “How did you predict that before the game even started?” she asked.
“That,” said Discord, “is a secret. What matters isn't how I did it, what matters is that I did it. For the last two weeks, I've known that it would take fifty-three moves to defeat you in chess today.”
“I only sent you that note one week ago.” pointed out Twilight.
“The problem, you see,” continued Discord, ignoring Twilight, “is that chess is too predictable. There are too few options that can be taken. I get – you may have noticed this – I get very bored, very quickly, playing a predefined part. You'll never see me on stage, unless it's for improv.” Discord leaned so far back in his chair that his horns touched the balcony floor, and he appeared to be addressing the upside-down Canterlot skyline. “And for the last two weeks, as far as I'm concerned, this game has been... predefined. Boring, boring, boring.”
“Hmmm.” Twilight frowned, looking over the board. “But... you played brilliantly.”
“Yes, yes, yes, if I wanted to I could become the Equestrian chess champion, win recognition and accolades, blah blah blah.” Still facing the upside-down skyline, Discord waved his claw. “Which would be great and all, if I actually cared about recognition and accolades and blah blah blah. Which I don't. Not in the slightest. It's just not worth the boredom of all those hundreds and hundreds of games of deadly, terribly, horrendously boring chess.” He snarled out the last word, spitting it out of his mouth as if disgusted that it had even been in there to begin with.
“I...see your point.” said Twilight, cautiously. “But, what I mean is... well... the first time we met. You hid the Elements of Harmony... in my library. In the first book I'd look into, if I was looking for information on the Elements. You knew – I know you knew – that I would find them there. That putting them there would risk turning you into stone again...”
“Of course I knew that.” snorted Discord, abruptly sitting up. “That's precisely why I put them there.” He glared at Twilight, and poked her with a claw. “There were hundreds of ways that I could have guaranteed a victory. Thousands of ways that I could have ensured that I could never, ever, have been turned into stone again. Do you know why I didn't use any of them?”
Discord leaned forward, resting both arms on the table and pressing his nose against Twilight's.
“Because.” he said. “It. Would. Have. Been. Predictable.”
Twilight leaned back. “You...” she said, “...set up a situation... in which you could easily lose... on purpose?”
“Hah!” Discord leaned back, raising his arms into the air. “You're getting it! You're finally getting it!”
“But... why?” asked Twilight.
“Because,” said Discord, “it's no fun if I know the result in advance.”
Twilight thought about it for a while. “So...” she said, “...if we had failed... then... your victory would have been assured, right?”
Discord shrugged. “Sure, for about six months or so. Once you threw out the Elements, I'd've picked them up, hidden them somewhere, left a few cryptic hints here and there for people to pick up on, and had a dramatic showdown with another bunch of ponies.”
“But if you keep going on like that, you'd've been trapped in stone sooner or later.” said Twilight.
“Probably later.” Discord shrugged. “I'd've ensured that anyone facing me had a chance, but it would always be a small chance. Besides, as long as it's not an immortal alicorn princess wielding the Elements against me, I very much doubt I'd've stayed trapped for even as long as a mere hundred years. Then... another round, a whole new batch of ponies.”
“Huh. That... that explains a lot, really.” Twilight considered this viewpoint. “So... when we released you, to try to reform you...”
Discord nodded. “Round two, yes. My victory condition was to persuade you – or any one of your friends – to willingly refuse to use their Element against me. Your victory condition was to persuade me to use my powers for good. I could have destroyed any of you in any of a hundred imaginative ways within fifteen seconds of being freed from the stone... but that would've been predictable. So, I went for a long-term, fairly mild plan, all told; I mainly wanted to see what Fluttershy had in mind.” His face took on a slight smile. “I don't mind admitting that I didn't see that coming.” he admitted. “In retrospect, it was wonderful, really. Do you know how long it'd been since anyone has really, genuinely, managed to surprise me?”
Twilight shook her head. “No.”
“Seven months, three days, twenty hours, seventeen minutes and fifty-four seconds.” said Discord, promptly. “You were the last one, when you recovered from my grey plague, and bought your friends back, too. Honestly, I thought I'd won by then – you and your friends had avoided all the possible victory routes that I'd left for you. And before that, it was two hundred and thirty-three years, four months, one week, two days, three hours, forty-two minutes and eight seconds.”
“...wouldn't that have been while you were stone?” asked Twilight.
Discord shrugged. “I could still see what was going on around me.” he said. “So I could still be surprised.”
Twilight nodded, conceding the point.
“The only things that have surprised me in the last five thousand nine hundred and seventy-four years,” said Discord, “have been the actions of living ponies. I spent a week in Las Pegasus recently, going through every game, slot machine, roulette wheel, you name it, in the city; they're all predictable, all too ordered. Outside of the Everfree Forest, the weather is regulated; I can pick up a pamphlet and see if rain is due or not. Inside the Everfree, the weather is predictable; I can study the air movements, humidity, and so on for five seconds and give you a ten-day forecast.”
Twilight made no comment. After that chess game, she was willing to concede that Discord was a far better predictor than she'd expected.
“Which,” continued Discord, “brings me to the reason why I suffered through this disgustingly boring chess game to begin with. There's something that I want you to do for me. That is why I told you all of this – without this knowledge, you would have had no chance of completing my task.”
Twilight frowned. “I'm... not actually obligated to...”
“To do anything for me, I know.” said Discord. “But this one, I think you'll want to. Mainly for the challenge, but also because if you don't, I'll get terminally bored, and that will end up in a desperate race to find the Elements of Harmony – again – and turn me to stone – again. The good news is that you can ask anyone for help, use any resources you want – including asking me for help, if you need to, and if you can do it while still completing the task. I don't care how you do it, as long as you do it.”
Discord leaned over the small table again, eyeball-to-eyeball with Twilight, and said two words before vanishing.
“Surprise me.”
(1) That is to say, the queen melted, the resulting liquid slithered along a diagonal, and then the queen reformed itself on the target square.
“Actually, Twilight,” said Celestia, “that does seem to fit with his history. When Luna and I first used the Elements of Harmony against Discord... now that I think about it... it's actually surprising just how easily we got to him. At the time, I was just glad we did it – later, when I had had a chance to think about it, I'd assumed he was overconfident. But if he really wanted the outcome of our duel to be uncertain...”
“So... should I do it?” asked Twilight. “Should I try to surprise him? I mean, he's already proven that he can predict me fifty-three moves in advance... what if this is the start of some evil plan which ends with the Elements being turned on him again?”
“Your concerns are valid.” said the Princess, stepping off her throne and walking towards one of the stained-glass windows; the one commemorating the Elements sealing Discord in stone. “But I do not believe that Discord is currently putting any sort of evil plan into operation. Instead, this sounds like a cry for help. I think that Discord genuinely wants to stay reformed, for Fluttershy's sake. And because of this, Twilight, I am going to ask you to do something even more difficult than Discord asked.”
“Even... more difficult?” asked Twilight.
“Yes, Twilight.” the Princess turned away from the window, and smiled at the nervous mare. “Surprising Discord is, at best, a temporary solution. Given what he told you, I don't expect it to do more than gain us about six months. What I ask you to do, Twilight, is to create a situation in which Discord will receive regular surprises. At least two per year, on average.”
Twilight gulped. “Two per year?” she asked, her voice trembling.
“Yes.” said Celestia. “I don't expect precision on that figure. Once a year some years, ideally thrice a year in other years... it doesn't help being too predictable about the dates of the surprises. After all, it's very hard to surprise somepony when they're expecting a surprise.” Celestia sighed. “Which will make the first surprise that you deliver to Discord very difficult indeed. I would strongly recommend asking your friends for ideas, as soon as you get back to Ponyville.”
“Ah didn't even think that was possible, Twi.” added Applejack.
“Well, if he did it, then it was done, and if it was done, then it might as well be possible.” said Pinkie. “Though... he's a spirit of chaos, right? He does impossible things all the time, it's kind of like his signature move. I mean, cotton candy clouds? Have you ever tried to make cotton candy float in the sky? I have, and trust me, it doesn't work, even if you soak it in chocolate milk first. Actually, especially if you soak it in chocolate milk first. So... what was I saying again?”
“Let's keep our minds on the task, girls.” said Twilight. “Any ideas for how to surprise somepony who can think fifty-three moves ahead?”
“Silly Twilight!” said Pinkie. “Discord's not a pony!”
“Thank you for your input, Pinkie.” said Twilight, flatly. “Anypony else?”
“Well, Discord's not a pony,” said Rarity, “and as the only Dragonequus around, there aren't many Dragonequus stereotypes to draw on; but he is a, well, a 'he'. Perhaps we can work with that in some manner?”
“Sonic rainboom.” said Dash. “Close range. That'll make anyone jump, trust me.”
“Oh, dear.” said Fluttershy. “But – wouldn't that be more startling than surprising? Surprises are nice, but being startled is, well, rather startling...”
“Eh, close enough.” Rainbow waved a dismissive hoof.
“Ooooh! Oooooh!” Pinkie jumped up and down, waving a hoof. “I know what to do! What we do is, there's seven of us, right? So we invite Discord to Ponyville for a week, and then we each take a day, and on our day we do our very best to give Discord a great big surprise! And I'll bake a cake, and whoever gives Discord the biggest surprise gets to take the cake! And the winner also chooses what flavour. Ooooh! I want day one! I know exactly what to do on day one!”
There were a few moments of silence. Then Twilight said “Well... that seems workable...”
“What exactly are you plannin' on doin', sugarcube?” asked Applejack.
Pinkie gasped. “I can't tell you!” she said. “A plan that's described before it happens never works as planned. Didn't you know that? To make a plan work, you have to tell nopony until it's already done.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Seriously?” she asked.
“Nopony.” said Pinkie, firmly. “By the way, Dash, that means that your sonic rainboom won't be a surprise. You'll have to think of something else for your day.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Meh. It won't take long. I can pull off the rainboom early in the morning and then think of something else awesome if that fails.”
With a squeal of brakes, the train from Canterlot pulled into Ponyville station. Several ponies got off, and strolled along the platform, meeting the people who had been waiting for them. No ponies got onto the train; there would be a delay while the engine was refuelled.
After ten minutes, only one pony remained on the platform, waiting.
Twilight frowned at the train. She knew that Discord had got on the train in Canterlot, she had received a note from the Princess to that effect. Of course, considering that this was Discord under consideration, that didn't mean he'd necessarily remained on the train...
Twilight strolled slowly toward the rear of the train, and then turned about and walked towards the stylishly decorated engine.
Huh, that's new. she thought quietly, looking at the decorative metalwork on the engine. Looks almost like Rarity's had a hand in the design of that engine. But surely that can't be very aerodynamic, can it? She tilted her head to the side. What is it supposed to be, anyway? Some sort of vine or something? No... organic, yes, but it gives more the impression of fauna than flora...
And then, like one of those optical illusions that looks like two faces at one moment and a candlestick at the next, Twilight realised what she was looking at.
“Alright, Discord.” she said, to the engine's additions. “Planning to stay there all week?”
“Maybe.” said the metal carved dragonequus. Then it unwrapped itself from the engine and, a moment later, Discord stood on the platform, a flower-patterned suitcase in one hand. “Then again,” he added, “maybe not.”
“I didn't think you would.” said Twilight. “I mean, it would be rather boring, right? Just sitting there all week...”
“...watching all the scenery go by...” added Discord.
“...no-one to talk to but one driver at a time, whole hours just watching coal being loaded... sounds boring to me.”
Discord shrugged. “Oh, I don't know. It would be rather surprising if the coal suddenly grew into coal-trees, wouldn't it?”
Twilight considered that for a moment. “I guess it would.” she said. “But it wouldn't surprise you if you were the one doing it, now would it?”
“No,” agreed Discord. “But it would certainly be surprising if it just happened and I hadn't done it. Or persuaded anyone else to do it.”
Twilight nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, it would. But that's – well – highly improbable. Pretty near to impossible.”
Discord smiled, a little sadly. “Yes,” he said, “I know.” He sighed. “And that is the bar I'm asking you to beat. Well. Enough about that. Shall we get on with it? I believe that today, it is Pinkie Pie's turn to try to surprise me?”
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Oooookay.” she said. “I know that you would have predicted that I'd ask my friends. And I know that you know that I know that you know that you were invited for one week, and that there are seven of us. So, taking turns is a reasonable plan. But how did you figure out that it was Pinkie's turn first?”
Discord shrugged. “Secret.” he said.
“Secret?” asked Twilight.
“Weeeeeeeeeeell, more like 'it'd take several hours to explain' and I think I'd rather not waste all that time right now.” explained Discord. “Anyhow, I think you're supposed to be leading me someplace? Making it look natural? Ah... the library, perhaps?”
Twilight gave Discord a flat look, her ears pointed outward to either side and her eyes narrowed.
“Oh, alright, if you want the summarised version, I'm a creature of chaos.” said Discord. “I have no trouble following how Pinkie thinks.” He strolled off the platform and along the road, forcing Twilight to hurry along if she wanted to keep an eye on him. “Also, of all the Elements, I think that Laughter has always been closest to my heart. Even in the worst of my villain days.” He turned back to look at Twilight. “I do hope Celestia's right about you.”
“Um... right about me how?” asked Twilight, hurrying to catch up.
Discord responded by imitating Celestia's voice perfectly. “When Twilight sets out to do something,” he said, “it gets done. No matter what, no matter when, no matter where. It gets done.”
“She said that?” asked Twilight. “She really said that?”
Discord nodded. “I do hope she's right.” he said. “I really don't want to have to go back to the old days.”
* * *
“SURPRISE!”
fweeeeeeeeeeeep!
Discord glanced over the interior of the library, casting his eyes over the balloons, the streamers, the cake. The punch, the confetti, the gramophone. The games corner, the toothless alligator, the dozens of ponies of all ages. He put down his flower-patterned luggage and clapped. “Well done, well done.” he said. “Solid execution, nice decorations, good synchronisation on the shout there. Really nice try with Gummy there, but I already knew about him. Not really all that surprising, though, is it?”
“Oh, come on.” said Pinkie. “Of course it's surprising. I give a party to everypony who comes to visit Ponyville, right?”
“I'm not exactly a pony.” pointed out Discord, pedantically.
“And everygriffon too,” continued Pinkie, “though we've only really had one griffon and she didn't really like the party in any case. I got a toasted marshmallow, though, so it wasn't a total loss. So, anyway, you'd expect me to throw you a party, right? But I'm supposed to be surprising you, and so if you didn't get a party that would be a surprise. But then, you would be expecting me to surprise you, so you wouldn't be expecting a party at all so a party would be an even bigger surprise, right?” She finished by giving Discord a big, hopeful grin.
Discord simply smiled, and patted Pinkie on the head. “I assigned a high probability to a party,” he explained, “and a low probability to no party. Neither outcome would really have surprised me.”
“Aw, phooey.” said Pinkie, crossing her forelegs sulkily. “That's not fair.”
“To be fair,” added Discord, “I do enjoy a good party.”
“Great!” said Pinkie, cheering up instantly. “Would you like some cake?”
“Some cake would be lovely.” said Discord.
“Ooooh, muffins!” added Pinkie, handing out slices of cake to some fillies and colts. “I forgot the muffins. Hey, you can teleport, right? Could you pop over the Sugarcube Corner and fetch the muffins? Just pop outside the door and knock first, okay? Mrs Cake gets a bit upset if people teleport into her store.”
* * *
“SURPRISE!”
fweeeeeeeeeeeep!
Pinkie gave Discord a large, hopeful grin. “I thought you'd be expecting one party,” she explained, “but nopony expects two parties in one day!”
“A good try.” said Discord, waggling his lion-paw horizontally in the air. “I give it a seven out of ten. I'm guessing you had Twilight teleport all the guests while I was knocking on the door?”
“Yep-arooni” nodded Pinkie, grinning. “Don't tell Mrs. Cake about that part, okay? She's busy with a takeout delivery order, and I asked Bon-bon to make sure to keep her chatting for extra-long today.”
“My lips are sealed.” replied Discord, laying his lion paw on his chest.
“Okay, good. Then let's have a surprise-while-fetching-the-muffins PARTY! Which game would you like to play? Or maybe we should get back to the welcome party in the library?”
“Well,” said Discord, “I've always been partial to Twister. Besides, I don't think it's a good idea to move the party back before Twilight's had a bit of a rest...”
* * *
“You can stay in my spare room, if you like.” said Twilight, yawning. “My goodness. I've never been to two Pinkie parties in one day before. It really does take it out of one, doesn't it?”
“Especially if you're teleporting one entire party to the other party.” said Discord, with a nod. “And don't worry, I've made plans for accommodation.” He hefted his flower-patterned suitcase.
“You're going to... sleep in your luggage?” asked Twilight.
Discord shrugged. “I guess that's one way to put it.” he said. He glanced around, and spotted a suitable alleyway. Stepping into it, he unzipped his bag and laid it flat...
...and right there, in front of Twilight's eyes, a tall tower rose up out of the suitcase. Twice the height of the library, made of rock and with three gems in ever-shifting colours hovering two-thirds of the way up. Twilight's eyes looked at the jagged pointy top, and followed the tower down as it widened, and widened further as it got closer to the ground, ending in an substantially sized lower floor. It was such an unexpected sight that it took her several moments to realise that the tower was a good deal wider than the alley had been. Twilight glanced left and right, but the buildings on either side were still there, and still in good repair. For a moment, she thought that the alley had widened... but no. The alley was just as narrow as it had always been.
It simply now contained a building far too large to bit into the alleyway; one which, moreover, was not touching the sides.
“It's um.” said Twilight, looking at the structure whose very existence defied common sense, the laws of physics, and probably the laws of good design, as well. “It's, um. It's very, um. It's... it's... um. It's really very... you.”
“Why, thank you.” said Discord. “I'll meet whoever is going to be surprising me tomorrow outside my front door, okay?”
“Whoever?” asked Twilight. “You don't know? You didn't predict it?”
“Of course I predicted it.” said Discord. “But if I tell you, then you'll change it. Besides, after today's non-stop partying, I'm rather looking forward to a change of pace tomorrow.”
“So... right here, then, tomorrow?”
Discord shook his head, tutting. “No, no, Twilight.” he said. “Right outside my front door tomorrow morning. Did you really expect my front door to stay in the same place all night long?”
* * *
Discord's final thought: Pinkie's not done yet. She knew this wouldn't work; she knows she can't surprise me when I'm expecting her to surprise me. She'll come back later, probably pop out of somewhere and blow a flugelhorn in my ear. Day 4, I imagine.
I wish I wasn't expecting that.
I don't expect any of the others to try anything outside their agreed day. Pity, that; if they all tried at once, they might be harder to predict.
Fluttershy woke gently, rising from the fog of sleep with a little yawn and a stretch. For a few seconds, she simply lay there, enjoying that moment between waking up and getting up; and then, with a little stretch, she hopped out of bed.
And froze.
There was a new door in her bedroom. And, since a door into nowhere would not be particularly useful, this particular door seemed to have bought an entire tower in with it. It was... tall. At least, by Fluttershy's estimate, four times as tall as her entire cottage. Three crystals floating near the top shifted from pink to yellow as she watched.
This would be enough of an enormity to justify some shock in and of itself. But all of this paled in comparison to the most unbelievable detail of all – that the tower fitted into Fluttershy's entirely unchanged room. Without so much as touching the ceiling.
Fluttershy sat down quite abruptly, looking up at the paradoxical top of the chaotic tower. How... is that even possible...
She was interrupted by the click of a door unlatching in front of her. “Good morning, Fluttershy.” said Discord, politely. “I believe it's your turn to try to surprise me today?”
Fluttershy looked down at Discord, then back up at the impossible tower. “How do you do that?” she asked.
“The gems?” asked Discord, also looking up. “Simple colour enchantment. Twilight could probably do as much herself.”
“No,” said Fluttershy, “I mean, how do you fit it all in?”
“Oh, that.” Discord shrugged. “I met a stallion, must be, oh, about six thousand years ago now? He had this blue box thing that was bigger on the inside. I just copied that trick, except without the blue box.” He reached out and did... something... with his eagle claw and lion paw, somehow stuffing his impossible tower back into an ordinary-looking flower-patterned suitcase. “I never quite found out what happened to him.” continued Discord. “He just up and vanished one day, box and all. Anyhow, enough about the past. We have a present to concern ourselves about, yes?”
“Oh, yes.” said Fluttershy. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I do think I know how to surprise you.”
Discord sighed. “I hope so.” he said.
“Oh, it's really quite simple. I was a bit worried at first, because I didn't want to do anything, you know, startling, but then I worked it out. I know you know a lot about lots of things, because you've lived for so long, so it won't be easy to surprise you, but then I thought about the times you were surprised, and there was a common factor.”
“Indeed?” asked Discord, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes.” nodded Fluttershy. “They both had to do with friendship. I think that, in both cases, you were surprised because you don't really know anything about friendship.”
“Because I didn't have any friends, before you.” agreed Discord.
“Exactly.” said Fluttershy, firmly. “So I thought we'd just spend all day being together as friends.”
“And just hope that something about it surprises me?” asked Discord.
Fluttershy nodded.
“It's a reasonable strategy.” said Discord. “It plays straight towards my greatest weakness. I do hope it works. Though I should mention, I am familiar with all of Twilight's Friendship Reports – at least, those from while I was a statue.”
“You read them all?” asked Fluttershy.
“No,” replied Discord, “they were read to me. I was just a hedge away from a statue of Starswirl the Bearded, and Celestia's in the habit of going and talking to that chunk of stone every now and then, giving updates on the state of Equestria, that sort of thing. Less often once her sister got back, for some reason. Including reading out every one of her student's reports. She talks about you six quite a lot, really.”
“Really?” asked Fluttershy.
Discord nodded. “Really.” he said, drily. “How do you think I knew all about you the first time we met? It was all from Celestia's glowing descriptions of the mares who'd freed her sister.”
Fluttershy considered this a bit, and then asked “Is it just a statue, or...”
“It's just a statue.” said Discord. “None of the other statues in Canterlot have anything trapped in them, believe me, I checked. That particular one, in fact, I was there when it was sculpted. The real Starswirl had a slightly longer muzzle, a substantially shorter beard, and two fewer bells on his hat.”
“Oh.” said Fluttershy. “Right. Would you like to come help me feed all my animal friends?”
Discord shrugged. “Meh. Why not?”
* * *
“You have a lot of animal friends.” said Discord, as he and Fluttershy finally settled down to a late breakfast of oatmeal porridge.
“Oh, I know.” said Fluttershy. “I can't really turn any of them away, though, can I?”
Discord sighed. “No.” he admitted. “It would be against your nature to do that. It must take a lot of effort to look after them all by yourself, though.”
“Oh, it does.” said Fluttershy. “And a lot of birdseed. I buy it in bulk, but I sometimes lose count of how much I've got left. I mean, just this morning, I thought I had three bags, but there were only two in my shed.”
“Ah?” asked Discord. “Well, I can certainly help out with that.” He opened a hole in the air, reached in, and pulled out a large bag of birdseed. “Consider it a gift,” he said, “in partial gratitude for having reformed me.”
“Oh, um... thank you.” said Fluttershy. “You really didn't have to.”
“Perhaps not,” said Discord, “but I did. Now, what was it you had planned for the rest of the day?”
“Well,” said Fluttershy, “since you're here, there's a few herbs I'd like to get. They grow in the Everfree Forest, so normally I'd buy them from Zecora, but if you're with me then I'm sure I'll be fine collecting them myself.”
“It would be a surprise to run into anything I couldn't handle...” mused Discord.
* * *
“Well, that didn't work.” groused Discord, as he and Fluttershy left the Everfree.
“Oh, I don't know.” said Fluttershy. “It seemed to go pretty well to me. I've got some scarlet pimpernels, some mare's slippers, some thyme...”
“Those timberwolves were far too predictable.” said Discord.
“And thank you very much for not hurting them.” said Fluttershy. “They didn't mean to be mean, they were just hungry.”
Discord sighed.
“Don't worry.” said Fluttershy, flying up and patting Discord comfortingly on the shoulder. “There's still five more days this week. I'm sure one of the others will manage to surprise you.”
“I hope so.” said Discord. “I really, really hope so. I do like being your friend, Fluttershy, and I don't want to give that up.”
“I know.” said Fluttershy, giving Discord a hug. “And I'm very proud of you, for asking for help when you needed it. I'm just sorry I couldn't provide it. But I'm confident that at least one of my friends can, and will.”
“You know,” said Discord, hugging back, “I wish I shared your confidence.”
“Oh! And we're just in time to give all my animal friends their supper!”
“Ah!” said Rarity, as the door to Carousel Boutique opened. “Just the dragonequus I was hoping to see!”
“Indeed.” said Discord. “I do believe it's your turn to try to surprise me today?”
“And I just know you'll be surprised, when you see what I have for you!” said Rarity.
“Let me guess,” said Discord, drily, “some form of clothing?”
“Well, yes.” admitted Rarity. “But I just know that you'll be surprised at how good it'll look on you. After all, if you weren't surprised, then you'd be wearing something similar already, surely? Ah, but first! We need to get you looking your best! To the spa!”
“The spa?” asked Discord. “But, but I like my fur like this! It's all chaotic!”
“Chaotic is right.” said Rarity, disapprovingly. “I can see that Aloe and Lotus will have their work cut out. But not to worry, they can deal with all sorts of coats, why, they'll even put a shine on your scales!”
“My scales are not meant to be shiny!” objected Discord, as Rarity herded him out of the boutique and towards the spa.
Rarity simply shook her head, and smiled. “Typical male.” she said. “You've never been inside a spa in your life, have you?”
“As it happens,” said Discord, “I have. I spent a whole two weeks in one once.”
“Two weeks?” asked Rarity. “My goodness, that is a while. What sort of treatment did you get that took that long?”
“None.” said Discord. “I was a statue at the time.”
Rarity stared at Discord.
“There was a shipping error, okay?” he said. “Took the Princess two weeks to get all the receipts sorted out and find out where I was. I spent two weeks sitting in the waiting room, made of stone.”
“Ah.” said Rarity. “So you've never actually been for a spa treatment, then. It's wonderfully relaxing, really. You should really give it a try. No time like the present, right?”
* * *
“I am not relaxed.” insisted Discord, frowning, with his arms folded. “Not at all.”
“Oh, but look how shiny your scales are!” pointed out Rarity. “And how neat your coat is! Why, you look ten times better than you did this morning!”
“...really?” asked Discord.
“Certainly, darling. Would I lie to you?”
“Yes.” said Discord, in a resigned tone of voice. “Yes, to save Equestria, you would.”
“Perhaps I would.” admitted Rarity. “But I'm not lying to you now. You really do look better after the spa treatment. Now, let us go back to the boutique and look over a few creations...”
* * *
“Not bad.” admitted Discord. “I quite like the way you made each sleeve out of a different type of material.”
“One has to take into account the nature of the creature that will be wearing the ensemble when designing it.” said Rarity. “In your case – you're one of the more, well, the more unique of the creatures I've designed for. So I decided that a suitable costume should embrace the chaos that gives you your form. Symmetry in the outfit is nothing more than a reflection, ha, of the symmetry of the pony beneath the outfit; in your case, symmetry is entirely lacking, and therefore the perfect outfit for you should not be symmetrical. Half-a-dozen different types of material – it would have been seven, dear, but my silk's gone missing – all in different colours, separated by irregular boundaries. So what do you think of it?”
“Hrmmmm... not bad.” said Discord, repeating himself. “Of course, the colours don't clash nearly enough, the wool would shrink in the wash the first time I tried to clean it and tear away from the cotton blend, the gem distribution is far too orderly...”
Rarity's eye twitched. “Oh, well.” she said, with a large smile. “It was only a first approximation, as they say... perhaps we could try some accessories? A hat? A small pendant, perhaps?”
* * *
By the time the dragonequus left the boutique, the sun had already begun to set.
“Well.” he said, opening his suitcase and allowing his tower to reappear. “At least now I know for certain that my natural beauty cannot be improved upon.” He stretched, and then opened the door and walked inside. “And tomorrow,” he said, just before the door shut behind him, “on to Sweet Apple Acres...”
“Mornin'.” said Applejack, as Discord strolled onto the south field.
“Morning.” said Discord, leaning against a handy apple tree. “I believe it's your turn today?”
“Sure is, sugarcube.” Applejack bucked a tree, letting the apples fall into the buckets. “Took me a while ta think o' something, Ah don' mind tellin' ya. But Ah think Ah got a chance. Have ya ever done a solid day's work?”
“I've done more with a snap of my claws than a thousand Earth ponies could do in a year.” stated Discord.
“Ah know that.” said Applejack, waving a hoof dismissively. “That's not what Ah asked. Did ya ever put a whole lotta effort inta some aim – without magic – in order ta achieve some goal?”
Discord sighed, and thought of his fairly recent journey through Las Pegasus, trying in vain to find some means of gambling that he couldn't easily predict. “Yes.” he said.
“Physical effort?” asked Applejack. “The sort that leaves yer muscles sore?”
“No.” admitted Discord.
“Well, then.” said Applejack, placing empty buckets around a tree. “Ah think it'll surprise ya. Why not give it a try? Give this tree a good solid kick, why not?”
Without even getting up, or glancing at the tree in question, Discord sighed. “In that tree,” he said, “there are three delicately balanced apple pies, four water balloons, and a pink Earth pony with a flugelhorn, all ready to fall out around me if I kick the tree. Nice attempt at distraction, by the way.”
“Hey!” said Pinkie, her head dropping from the tree. “How did you know I was here?”
Discord shrugged. “I saw you.” he said.
“Three apple pies?” asked Applejack. “Ah put five up there!”
“Oh!” said Pinkie. “Sorry, I was hungry. So, Discord, you can see through leaves?”
“I once spent a thousand years,” said Discord, “as a statue. A statue with closed eyes. I learnt how to see through things – at least at short range – just to stave off the boredom. Something that hides away, and jumps out when I get near, isn't going to take me by surprise.”
There was a long silence, punctuated by Pinkie blowing a blast on the flugelhorn.
“Well.” said Applejack, once Pinkie had stopped to take a breath. “Ah had some other little surprises set up, but if ya can see through things, Ah don't imagine they'd be all that surprisin'. Ah guess Ah'll have ta fall back on plan B.”
“Let me guess,” sighed Discord, “getting me to do a 'good day's work'?”
“Exactly.” said Applejack. “We can start with some repairs ta the barn. There oughta be some planks an' beams round back...”
“There aren't.” said Discord.
“There aren't?” asked Applejack. She hurried around the barn, and looked at the empty patch where there was supposed to be a pile of wood.
Discord sighed,and snapped his claws. A pile of wooden planks and beams appeared. “I can't believe,” he said, “that I'm even seriously considering trying this. I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here...”
* * *
“So,” asked Applejack, after her and Discord had spent all day doing repairs around Ponyville, “how do ya feel?”
“Tired.” said Discord, grumpily. “My muscles hurt.”
“Ya don't feel any sorta sense of accomplishment?” asked Applejack.
“Not really, no.” said Discord. “I could have done all of that in half a second, much more easily, if I'd wanted.”
Applejack sighed. “Ah was hoping a new experience would do it.” she said.
Discord stood, patiently, waiting in the approximate centre of Ponyville. He made no effort to hide, not on this morning. He tossed a vaguely spherical object idly from claw to paw while he waited.
“Hey! You're Discord, aren't you?”
Discord looked down at the little orange pegasus filly who had addressed him. “Why, yes.” he said. “Yes, I am. And just who might you be?”
“I'm Scootaloo!” said the filly. Instead of wandering off, to do whatever it was that fillies did, the little pegasus sat down and looked at Discord.
Discord sighed. “Hello, Scootaloo.” he said, grumpily.
“What's that you're holding?” asked Scootaloo, pointing at the object in Discord's paw.
“What, this?” asked Discord holding it up. “I believe it's called a 'water balloon'. Even when, as now, what it's filled with is actually chocolate milk.”
“A chocolate milk balloon?” asked Scootaloo. “Oooooh! What's it for?”
“This.” said Discord, tossing the balloon up into the air, in an arc that should have led to it falling near his feet after mere moments. But before the chocolate milk balloon could complete its arc, there was a massive BOOM just behind Discord, and a rainbow contrail bursting from an expanding ring of multicoloured light tore through the air... hitting the balloon dead centre.
There was a brief explosion of chocolate milk, and the contrail took on a decidedly brownish tinge. It looped around and came to a halt in front of Discord, revealing a rather irate pegasus mare.
“An' jus' what was that for?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, come now.” said Discord, grinning. “If you're going to be that predictable, then I might as well get a little fun out of it, don't you think?”
Dash folded her forelegs and glared at the grinning Dragonequus, but she had some trouble preventing the corners of her mouth from going up.
“Snrk.” she said, trying not to laugh.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash!” said the little filly, jumping up and down. “You said you were gonna show me today!”
“Hey, Squirt!” said Dash, waving. . “Yeah, I kinda made two promises for today, one for you and the other was to give the big guy here a surprise. I really thought a close-range Sonic Rainboom would do it...”
The little filly's face fell.
“Hey, hey, hey.” said Dash, landing in front of the filly. “We're still gonna spend all day together, okay? It's just... I gotta try to think of some other way to surprise this guy, okay? So... until I can surprise him... it's kinda gonna haveta be you... and me... and Discord.”
“Well... okay, I guess...” said Scootaloo, giving Discord a sidelong glance. For some reason, the dragonequus was holding up an umbrella, from the underside of which a brownish rain fell on his head.
“Hey, kid.” said Discord, waving. “My name's Discord. Spirit of chaos and disharmony. I remember you.”
“You do?” asked Scootaloo.
“Yeah, you got into a fight with a couple of foals right next to me, when I was trapped in stone. Perfect disharmony, just what I needed to break out.”
“Wait,” said Rainbow Dash, “you helped Discord to escape?”
“It...” Scootaloo looked like she was about to burst into tears. “We didn't mean to!”
“Kid.” said Dash, firmly. “Hey, kid. I know you didn't mean to, okay? I mean, even Princess Celestia thought that there was no way Discord could get out of there, right? So there was no way, and I mean no way, you could've known.”
“Oh, please.” said Discord. “I mean, could you imagine a sappier scene?”
Dash, one comforting hoof on Scootaloo's shoulder, gave Discord a glare.
Discord rolled his eyes. “It's not like you lot were the only source of disharmony around.” he said. “I'd've been free in a week, two at the outside, with or without you. Now. We're burning daylight, and you are both being very predictable.” He snapped his umbrella closed, and hid it behind his back, where it promptly vanished. “Should we go and try something surprising, or would you prefer me to carry on pushing your buttons?”
Dash's eyes narrowed. “Oh,” he said, “I think I know exactly what to do.”
* * *
“Well, that was an impressive series of tricks.” admitted Discord.
“Super-speed strut,” said Scootaloo, “filly flash, buccaneer's barrel roll, another sonic rainboom...”
“...followed by fifteen minutes of uninterrupted gliding in circles.” grumbled Discord.
Scootaloo nodding, glancing at her notebook. “Cotton candy cloudherding,” she continued, “a speedy skywriting swipe, and a cumulonimbus climb!”
“Followed by no less than twenty minutes of gliding in circles.” groused Discord. “And, honestly? Not one bit of it was in the least surprising.”
Dash dropped the short distance to the ground. “Well...” she said, “it's getting late and I'm kinda out of ideas. You got any ideas, squirt?”
Scootaloo considered the question, tapping her pencil on her notebook. After brief consideration, she dropped the pencil, turned suddenly on Discord, and yelled “BLAAAAAARGH!”
Discord sighed. “Seen that one.” he said.
Scootaloo shrugged. “I got nothin'.” she said.
Dash sighed. “Yeah, well... tomorrow it's Twi's turn.” she said. “I'm sure she can do this...”
“I don't think I can do this.” Twilight paced back and forth, in the library, waiting.
“Don't worry, Twilight.” said Spike, reassuringly. “I'm sure you can do it.”
“He predicted Pinkie Pie.” said Twilight. She grabbed Spike by the shoulders and shook him. “He predicted Pinkie Pie. What chance do I have?”
“Well, um. When you put it like that...”
“He's heard all of my friendship reports.” said Twilight, returning to her pacing. “I've put everything I know about friendship into those reports; ergo, I can't teach him anything he doesn't know about friendship, like Fluttershy tried to do. He can see through things, so nothing jumping out suddenly will do it. I've got one idea – just one idea – left, and I don't know what I'll do if that fails.”
Twilight stopped suddenly, and looked at Spike. “What about you, Spike?” she asked. “Have you got something planned for tomorrow?”
“Ah...” said Spike, hesitantly.
“You'd better get something planned.” said Twilight, firmly. “I don't think I'm going to do this.”
“Well, that's just depressing to hear.” said Discord's voice. “I can't say I'm surprised, but it's depressing nonetheless.”
“Discord?” asked Twilight. “Where are you?”
“Right here.” said Discord, appearing out of nowhere.
“Ah, yes, well.” Twilight took a deep, calming breath. “I do have one idea. Shall we head upstairs? I've got everything ready there.”
She ran for the stairs, and hurried up them.
Discord sighed, and pointed an eagle claw in Spike's direction. “You better have something good planned for tomorrow.” he said, before vanishing.
Spike gulped.
* * *
“Alright.” said Twilight. She was sitting with a very tall pile of books on her left. “Now, as I understand it, when you were trapped in stone for a thousand years, you didn't exactly have any chance to keep up with the scientific literature, right? I mean, nopony came down to read scientific journals in the statue garden or anything?”
“No,” said Discord, “nopony did anything of the sort.”
“Oh, good.” said Twilight, taking the top book off the stack and opening it. “I'm sure that at least something that's been discovered in the last thousand years will be surprising. We'll start with Manedeleev's periodic table of the elements, that's physical elements with a small 'e', not Elements as in Elements of Harmony which would be capital-E Elements. Then we'll move on to special relativity, general relativity, and finally quantum mechanics and the theoretical Piggs Boson...”
“I've seen it.” said Discord.
There was a brief silence. Then Twilight asked “What?”
“The Piggs Boson.” sighed Discord. “I'm an avatar of chaos, I've got really good eyes, okay? I can see subatomic particles with the naked eye. I don't think you're going to be able to tell me anything I haven't already worked out for myself.”
There was a longer silence this time. Then Twilight said “No, that's impossible. The Piggs Boson doesn't interact enough with light to be directly visible.”
“I don't use light to see.” said Discord. “Unlike ponies, I simply observe the structure of reality directly. I can see what's really there, not just the scattered lightwaves of what was there a fraction of an instant ago. I can count the protons in your body, though I'll admit I'm never sure at exactly which point partially-digested food starts counting as part of the body, that does tend to muddy the count somewhat, and there's the question of when to start counting the oxygen that you breathe in...”
“Okaaaaayyyyyy...” said Twilight, suddenly even less sure of her plan. Still, it was the only idea she had, so... “Perhaps a little bit more emphasis on special and general relativity, then, and less on quantum mechanics...” she mused.
* * *
“...which means that the twin who was travelling -” said Twilight.
“Is younger than the twin who stayed at home.” said Discord. He yawned.
“Exactly!” nodded Twilight. “Now, some ponies raised the question, if we take the entire situation in the reference frame of the travelling twin, then wouldn't the stay-at-home twin be younger? And the answer to that is -”
“The travelling twin uses two different inertial reference frames during his journey.” said Discord, bored. “One outgoing and one incoming. Analysing with regard to either results in the travelling twin being younger than the stay-at-home twin when he gets back home.”
“Okay.” said Twilight. “You seem to have a good handle on that problem.” She turned the page. “Ah, here's an interesting one. There are two spaceships, joined by a piece of string. The string is taut, but fragile. Both ships start out stationery with regard to each other. They simultaneously start accelerating at the same rate...”
Discord sighed. “The string breaks.” he said.
Twilight's eye twitched. “I hadn't even finished asking the question yet! Wait... how does that work? If both accelerate simultaneously...”
Discord sighed again, and let his attention wander. Outside the window, birds were singing, the sun was shining... inside the library, he could hear Spike vigorously assuring some filly that she was not allowed to take out a certain book on the strict orders of her sister Rarity...
“...huh, what do you know, the string does break!” said Twilight, dropping her chalk.
“Told you so.” said Discord.
“Alright. Well, then. Special relativity does not properly take gravity into account, so let us move on to general relativity. To do so, we need to add in the Equivalence Principle; that is, the principle that, over infinitesimally small distances, gravity is equivalent to acceleration...”
Discord sighed again. “I had a thousand years with nothing better to do than stand there and think about things.” he said. “I very much doubt that anything in that book will come as any sort of surprise to me.”
“But there's still a chance, right?” asked Twilight.
“A very, very small chance.” conceded Discord.
“Then let's continue.” said Twilight.
Discord sighed.
* * *
“Well, it was a very small chance.” said Twilight, as the sun sank below the horizon.
Discord sighed. “I didn't really expect it to work.” he admitted. “I really, really hope Spike has something worthwhile. I don't want him to fail.”
“Even if he does,” asked Twilight, “would you really have to go back to your old, evil ways?”
Discord raised a claw, and stroked his beard for a few moments. “Yes,” he said eventually. “It'll get me turned to stone sooner or later; but if I don't then I'll go quite literally insane and get turned to stone in any case. Either way... it's not going to be pleasant. Incidentally, could you tell Spike from me that Fluttershy already took me into the Everfree, and so I really don't expect to find anything surprising in there?”
“Hey, Discord.” said Spike, with a little wave, meeting Discord outside the library.
“Hey, Spike.” said Discord, sounding bored.
“Ummmm... yeah.” said Spike. “So... I actually kinda thought one of the others would have done something surprising by now. I had a plan, but the plan was to go into the Everfree and ask about what the weather was going to do...”
Discord shook his head. “It's just a matter of temperatures and air pressure and stuff.” he said. “Dead simple once you know how.”
“Ah, right.” said Spike. “So... something Fluttershy said gave me an idea, and I thought perhaps we could go a little further afield. Could you teleport us to Apploosa?”
Discord shrugged. “Sure,” he said, “if you think it'll help.” He snapped his talons, and the dragon and dragonequus vanished from Ponyville.
* * *
Fluttershy slipped quietly into the Books and Branches library, carrying a book in her mouth. She carefully deposited it on the table. “Twilight?” she said.
Twilight was sitting nearby, surrounded by dozens of hovering sheets of paper, with no less then three quills writing on them. “Hmmm?” she said.
“Oh.” said Fluttershy. “I can come back later, if you're busy...”
“Mmmm.” said Twilight, not paying attention. “If you find Fluttershy, could you ask her to visit? I need to talk to her.”
Fluttershy stared at Twilight for a long time, and then said “Um... I'm already here, Twilight.”
“Hmmm?” Twilight glanced up, and finally noticed who she was talking to. “Oh, Fluttershy! Good, you got my message.”
“Um...” said Fluttershy, not sure what to say to this.
“I need your help.” continued Twilight. “If Spike can't find any way to surprise Discord, we might be facing an apocalyptic scenario again. I've tried – we've all tried everything we could... we've got to have a plan, in case Spike's idea fails. I thought... you've reformed Discord once, maybe you might have an idea to get him to stay reformed?”
Fluttershy thought about the question for a few moments, and then asked “Do you, um, do you know what Spike's planning?”
Twilight shook her head. “He said he didn't want to spoil the surprise.” she said.
* * *
“It's an orchard.” said Discord. “With a buffalo stampeding path running through it. What's supposed to be surprising about this?”
Spike's shoulders slumped. “I was kind of hoping you'd be surprised at the compromise.” he said.
“Not really.” said Discord. “I've heard the friendship report about that incident.”
“Oh, right.”Spike considered that for a bit, and then said “How about if we visit the buffalo?”
“They're a couple of hundred miles from here right now,” said Discord. “They're a very migratory people.”
“Oh.” said Spike. “Right.”
Discord snapped his talons again, and the two of them vanished.
* * *
“I don't think Discord wants to be evil.” said Fluttershy. “I reformed him, by giving him a reason to not want to be evil. A friendship. Someone to care about.” She paused a moment. “He's still got that. He doesn't want to be evil. For some reason, it seems that he thinks he has to. If we can persuade him that he's wrong, that he doesn't have to be evil... then maybe we don't actually need to surprise him?”
Twilight frowned, and looked over her papers. She shuffled them around, and then made several further notes. “Hmmm.” she said. “That's... that's a good idea. Bypassing the given victory condition, but keeping Discord good... plus we don't need to go through all this again in six months, always a bonus. I like that.”
The library door opened, and a small filly crept quietly in. She looked around in all directions.
“Hi, Sweetie Belle.” said Fluttershy.
“Hi, Sweetie.” said Twilight, still poring over her papers.
“Hi, Fluttershy, Twilight.” said Sweetie Belle, nervously. “Is Spike around?”
“No,” said Twilight, adding a note to her papers, “he's out for the day.”
“He is?” asked Sweetie, with a sudden grin. “Can I get a book out?”
“Sure.” said Twilight.
“That one.” said Sweetie Belle, pointing at a book that had been left on one of the upper bookshelves, well out of the filly's reach.
Twilight slid the book off the shelf. “Huh. That wasn't shelved right.” she said, absently. “Medieval weaponry should be on the bottom shelf. Here you go, Sweetie Belle. Bring it back within two weeks, or I'll have to charge you a late fee.”
“Thanks, Twilight!” said Sweetie, grabbing the book and running.
“Are you, um, are you sure that was a good idea?” asked Fluttershy.
“What?” asked Twilight.
“Um... nevermind.” squeaked Fluttershy.
* * *
“Tall Creature Of Many Creatures is known to our people.” said Chief Thunderhooves, ponderously. “I heard the tale from my father, who heard it from his father, who heard it from his father, who heard it from his father, who heard it from his father, who heard it from his second cousin twice removed, who heard it from his father, who heard it from -”
One of the other buffalo braves nudged the chief.
“Ahem.” said Chief Thunderhooves. “The time of the Creature Of Many Creatures was a time of terror and tutus for my people. His very name is unspoken among us. For generations, we have told our foals to behave lest the Patchwork One take them.”
“Now, that's just scandalous.” objected Discord. “I was trapped in stone most of that time, and I never kidnapped a single foal. Well, except that one time, but I had good reason.”
Thunderhooves gave Discord his finest angry glare.
“For generations,” continued Chief Thunderhooves after some time, “the horrors of the Creature Of Many Creatures have been known to my people. So -” he turned his glare on Discord - “why, Spike, have you bought the Creature Of Many Creatures here, of all places?”
“Well,” said Spike, nervously, “I was kind of hoping he'd be surprised at how buffalo society had changed in the last thousand years.”
“Not surprised.” said Discord. “Disappointed, yes, but hardly surprised. I wasn't exactly a paragon of good back then, after all.”
“The Creature Of Many Creatures will not be permitted in our camp.” said Chief Thunderhooves. “You, Spike, are welcome if you wish to enter, but the Creature Of Many Creatures is not.”
And with that, he turned his back on the two visitors and re-entered the camp.
“Um.” said Spike. “What if we go to, um, Griffonia?”
* * *
“There's one more thing.” said Fluttershy, as Twilight continued to add to her notes.
“Yes?” asked Twilight.
“Um... I made a promise.” said Fluttershy. “I promised not to use my Element on Discord.”
Twilight looked up sharply at that, blinking. “Even if – even if he goes evil again?” she asked.
Fluttershy nodded, firmly. “Even if he goes evil again.” she said.
“Hmmm.” said Twilight. “That eliminates emergency strategies A through J, L, M and N. Emergency Strategy K remains viable in theory, but only if we can talk Discord into it, which I don't think is all that likely...”
* * *
The sun was setting when Discord and Spike finally reappeared in Ponyville.
“You know,” said Spike, “you really made a memorable impact a thousand years ago. I thought we had a good chance with the diamond dogs, but...”
“Considering what I did to their ancestors,” said Discord, “I'm really not surprised. On reflection, the custard may have been too much.”
“Well, good thing dragons are fireproof.” said Spike.
“Spike!” called out Twilight, galloping towards them, followed by Fluttershy. “Discord! There you are! Where've you been? How did it go?”
“Hmph.” said Discord.
“Where haven't we been?” asked Spike. “Apploosa, Griffonia, Fillydelfia, Las Pegasus, San Palomino, the Dragon Mountains...”
“We discovered,” said Discord, gloomily, “that most species have depressingly long memories. Especially when it comes to various acts of chaos done, oh, say, about a thousand years ago. Nothing particularly surprising, though.”
“Do you really, um, really have to turn evil?” asked Fluttershy.
Discord sighed. “I wasn't looking forward to this conversation.” he said. “But you, of all ponies, really deserve an explanation. I have to because, if I continue in this scripted, pre-defined, pre-known role for much longer, I am going to go quite crazy. Stark raving mad. Insane. Screwy. However you want to put it. And if I do that... then some ponies are going to die.” Discord took a deep breath. “If I go back to being evil without going crazy first, then I can at least make sure not to kill anyone. I was never a killer, and I don't want to go there.”
Fluttershy sat down, a little surprised at this revelation. “So...” she asked. “You're going to turn evil specifically so as to not kill anyone?”
“In short, yes.” said Discord. “Please, don't try to talk me out of it. You just might be able to, and if you do, then I will go insane, sooner or later. It's just a matter of time.” He sighed. “Perhaps I'll start by turning every building in Canterlot to cake? Celestia might even appreciate that, you never know.”
“Wouldn't ponies get buried under the collapsing cake?” asked Twilight.
Discord shook his head. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight.” he said, reprovingly. “Do you really think I am incapable of creating structurally sound cakes? Oh, and by the way, Fluttershy, I'm going to officially release you of your promise to me.”
“What?” asked Spike. “What promise?”
“My promise not to use my Element against him.” said Fluttershy, with a sigh.
“Wha- why would you do that?” asked Spike.
“Because he doesn't want to be sure of how things will turn out.” said Twilight. “As long as Fluttershy's bound by that promise, we can't turn him to stone.”
Discord sighed. “These last few months have been... much nicer than I'd originally expected.” he said, raising his eagle claw to snap. “But I really should -”
He stopped mid-sentence, turning his head to the side to listen to something. Both the ponies, and the dragon, heard it after a moment; the whistling sound of something flying through the air. Discord and Twilight both turned to look at the same time...
...Twilight noticed the vaguely pony-shaped bundle, strapped to giant wings of silk and wood, for just a moment before it smashed directly into Discord's face and burst open, showering the area with its contents.
“Birdseed?” asked Fluttershy, as almost half a sack worth of the small objects bounced on the ground around them.
A buzzing sound from the same direction announced the arrival of three fillies; the Cutie Mark Crusaders, one on a scooter and two in a little red wagon.
“Oh, no.” said Sweeite Belle. “Did we hit somepony?”
“I have to say,” said Discord, rasing his lion paw from below the wreckage of the Crusader's latest creation, “I really didn't see that coming.”
“What, exactly,” asked Twilight, pointing at the mess of silk, wood, birdseed and dragonequus nest to her, “is this?”
“It's a dragonequus.” said Discord, quietly, dusting himself off.
“Are we gonna get in trouble?” asked Scootaloo, nervously.
“Well, you just saved Celestia from a future filled with cake.” said Discord. “You might get a small medal or something. Or maybe not, given how much she likes cake.”
“Well, you did manage to head off a significant catastrophe.” said Twilight. “I think you deserve milkshakes, at the very least. I'm just... curious. What was the aim of all this?”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders glanced back and forth between themselves. After a few moments, Applebloom opened her mouth.
“Well...” she began.
“We were kind of trying to get our cutie marks.” said Sweetie Belle.
“So we had this really awesome idea!” added Scootaloo.
“I've tried hang-gliding already, but Sweetie and Scootaloo haven't.” said Applebloom.
“Only we didn't have a hang-glider.” continued Sweetie Belle. “So we decided to make one ourselves.”
“And we modelled it after the most awesomest pegasus in Ponyville!” said Scootaloo, triumphantly. “Rainbow Dash!”
“'Awesomest' isn't a word.” objected Sweetie Belle.
“Yes it is!” argued Scootaloo.
“No, it isn't!” objected Sweetie, unwilling to concede the point.
“Girls!” interrupted Twilight. “Alright, you decided to make a hang-glider. Then what?”
“Oh, right.” said Scootaloo. “Then we got Dash to show of some of her gliding for us! Well, for me. I took lots of notes! Wing position, steering, all that sort of thing!”
“And wing size and shape?” asked Twilight.
“Nah,” said Scootaloo, “I had all that already.”
“But when Dash heard what we were doin',” continued Applebloom, “she made us promise to test our glider with a dummy first, to make sure it flew right.”
“And she made us promise not to try it ourselves unless she was right there to catch us in case it didn't work.” said Sweetie Belle.
“So we made a dummy and stuffed it with birdseed.” said Scootaloo.
“And where did that birdseed come from?” asked Fluttershy.
There was a long silence.
“Ummmmm... we were going to give it back when we were done?” said Sweetie Belle, hesitantly.
“And this silk,” said Discord, tapping it, “it must be the silk that Rarity was missing.”
“Oh, yeah.” said Sweetie Belle. “I got that.”
“An' Ah got some bits o' wood from the farm.” said Applebloom.
“Alright, so that's where the hang-glider came from.” said Twilight. “But how did you launch it? Hang-gliders only go down, unless there's a thermal...”
“It's not the right weather for thermals.” pointed out Fluttershy, quietly.
“Oh.” said Applebloom. “Ah built a trebuchet. There were plans in that library book that Sweetie got this mornin'...”
“And then we launched it up,” said Sweetie Belle, “and it actually glided for a bit!”
“Only then it wobbled.” said Scootaloo. “An' it kinda slipped sideways a notch. An' then it dived an' we were worried it was gonna hit somepony...”
“An' then it did!” wailed Applebloom. “An' we really didn' mean for it to, an' it was all an accident, an' we were just trying to get our cutie marks in hang-glider makin'!”
“There, there.” said Discord, weaving his serpentine body in between the Crusaders. “I'm the only one who got hit, and really, I'm very thankful for it. In a way, you've released me, from an extremely uncomfortable trap. It's not the first time the three of you have released me either, now, is it? In fact, I find myself quite significantly indebted to the three of you. Tell me... what is it, before all else, that you would want?”
“OUR CUTIE MARKS!” yelled all three Crusaders, simultaneously.
“Really?” asked Discord. “A meaningless picture on your flank? I can do that.”
“Cutie marks aren't meaningless!” objected Applebloom. “They tell you what your destiny is!”
“Your special talent!” added Sweetie Belle.
“What you're really good at!” said Scootaloo. “They're full of meaning!”
“Really?” asked Discord. “What a pity, the only pictures I can do are the meaningless ones. You can do the same yourself, actually, with a bit of food colouring and a tiny paintbrush.”
“Ah... never thought of that.” said Applebloom.
“But... then how can we get our cutie marks?” asked Sweetie Belle
“Oh, that's easy.” said Discord. “Your cutie mark will appear, the moment that you find out what it means.”
Twilight laughed softly. “Come on,” she said, “I'll treat everyone to milkshakes at Sugarcube Corner. And then I'll get more birdseed for Fluttershy, and wood for Applejack, and silk for Rarity.”
Discord let Twilight and Fluttershy lead the way, and then fell back and whispered to the Crusaders. “I'll give you a little something that should help.” he said, producing a notepad out of nowhere. “A little piece of magic. Anything you draw in this notepad, if you just tear the page out -” Discord demonstrated by quickly sketching a hang-glider and ripping out the page - “will become real.” He placed the brand-new hang-glider in the Crusader's cart.
“Cooooooool!” chorused the Crusaders.
“And,” continued Discord, “it will never run out of pages. There are just two limitations.”
“And those are?” asked Sweetie Belle, cautiously.
“Firstly,” said Discord, “it'll only ever work for the three of you. And me, of course, but that's all. No-one else.”
“Ooooooooh.” said the three fillies together.
“And secondly,” said Discord, “you can't use it to create living beings. If you try to draw somepony -” he demonstrated with a quick sketch of himself - “all you'll get is a doll, or a stuffed toy, or something like that.”
He tossed the stuffed Discord toy into the cart next to the hang-glider, and the notebook in after it.
“It works great for sketching milkshakes, though.” he added, with a wink.
“I see.” said Celestia, calmly. “And then what happened?”
“Why, we went for milkshakes, of course!” said Discord. He draped an unwelcome eagle claw over Twilight's neck. “Twilight was paying, after all, so why not?”
“And that notebook?” asked Celestia.
“Oh, three little fillies have it.” said Discord. “Incidentally, if anyone takes it away from them, it'll find its way back within a day or two. I intended that to be used, and as frequently as possible.”
“Have you got any idea,” said Twilight, crossly, “of the economic ramifications of such a notebook existing?”
“Oh, of course I do.” grinned Discord. “If abused, it could send the economy into total chaos. Isn't it marvellous? Besides, after those delightful fillies persuaded me to shelve Celestia's cake plans, I had to do something.”
Twilight sighed, and mentally catalogued the Crusaders' Notebook in her 'to deal with later' list. “Anyway,” she said to Celestia, “we talked a bit over the milkshakes, and I think we've got a plan to prevent Discord from getting bored. We'd need to talk it over with you before we start on it -”
“No, we don't.” said Discord, lazily swimming(1) through the air. “I can do all the heavy lifting, you've got the princessly authority... we could set this up ourselves. Hey, if I take your shape for, oh, say, half an hour, I could probably do it all myself.”
“Discord! We talked about this! We are running this by the Princess before we do anything! I mean, Celestia! We are running this by Princess Celestia! And you are not going to take my shape?”
With a pop, Discord changed to an exact clone of Twilight. “Eh, you're right.” he said, looking over his new body. “It's not very flattering, is it?”
“DISCORD!” yelled Twilight.
“That's my name, yes.” asked Discord, reverting to his more usual shape.
Celestia cleared her throat. “Twilight?” she said. “You had an idea to prevent Discord getting bored?”
“Oh, yes, Princess. See, I thought about this last week, and this is what I came up with...”
* * *
Two weeks later
“Ah, good morning.” said Rarity, stepping into the small, cramped Manehatten office. “Principal... Black Board, was it?”
“Yes, ma'am?” asked the earth pony behind the desk.
“I'm here as a representative of the Academy for Creative Thought.” said Rarity. “You may not have heard about it, the Academy only opens next month. It's a brand-new initiative by Princess Sparkle.”
Black Board's eyes narrowed. No doubt, they were about to try to skim off the cream of his students – the ones who sat quietly in class, caused no trouble, and consistently scored high marks. He quietly swore that he would not be left with only the troublemakers again, royal charter or not.
“In short,” said Rarity, “we're looking for troublesome students. The sort of students who leave their teachers awake at night, wondering what they'll do next. The sort of student who would build a trebuchet in their spare time, and then use it near, or possibly in, the school buildings. The sort who will cheat in a test, regardless of what actual scores they achieve.”
Black Board stared at Rarity for a long moment, then asked “You... want the troublemakers?”
“Only the imaginative ones, dear. Not mindless bullies. But yes, we want to extend our offer to attend the Academy to certain... troublesome students. Students with – unusual minds. Strange logics. Perhaps you would be willing to help us find a few to fit our criteria?”
* * *
Canterlot, one month later
“Good morning everypony! My name is DiScOrD, and I will be your teacher at this Academy.”
Discord looked over his classroom, with a wide grin. The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat in the front, surrounded by a number of other colts and fillies; pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, crystal ponies, negasi, griffins, a buffalo, even a single nervous changeling sat at the desks scattered(2) around the room.
“And I,” continued Discord, “will be teaching you the most important lessons you will ever learn – how to get what you want.” He placed lion paw and eagle claw on the table, and leaned over it. “Ponies want for all sorts of things.” he said. “Money. Power. Fame. Food. Friends. Whatever you want, I am going to teach you how to find it.(3)”
He stepped out from behind the desk. “At this point, it's sort of traditional for me to provide a list of rules. But you know what? There aren't any. Class starts when I say it does, and you will be in your seats when it does. Class finishes when I say it does.”
Sweetie Belle raised a hoof.
“If you ever want to ask a question,” continued Discord, “just interrupt me. I'm not going to stop for just a raised hoof. Now, on to -”
“Mister Discord sir!” said Sweetie Belle. “How are we s'posed to get to class in time if we don't know when class starts?”
“Excellent question! And the answer is, that's my problem.” Discord snapped his fingers, and suddenly all the colts and fillies were in different seats. “Trust me,” he said, “you'll be here. Now, on to gold stars!”
Discord opened a drawer in his desk, and pulled out a small, brightly glowing object. “This,” he said, “is a gold star. And today may very well be the last day that any of you ever see one. You can earn a gold star, by surprising me.” He leaned his lion paw on the desk and tossed the star up and down in his eagle claw. “You can't steal them, you can't trade them, you can't take them. The only way to get one of these is to do something that I genuinely don't expect. I'm warning you, it's not easy. Now, why would you want a star? There are various reasons.”
He used his tail to tug down a picture of the Element-Bearers, standing together with the Princesses. “You can trade in one Star,” he said, “for a day with any one of these ponies, and you can spend it wherever you want. Ever wanted to go bowling with Princess Celestia? With one star, you can.”
“Ooooh!” said Sweetie Belle, softly. “If I get a star I can get my sister to go ice skating with me!”
“For two stars,” said Discord, tugging down a second image, this one of his own smiling face, “you can trade them in for – a gift. The exact nature of the gift is different for everypony, but go ahead and ask these three about their notebook if you don't think it's worthwhile. And if you manage, somehow, to get hold of three stars, which is impossible...”
He tugged at the cord under the image of his face, which rolled up, revealing a third image; of Discord and four ponies, seated around a table.
“...then you get to make one request of the Panel.” he said. “Including myself, of course -” he tapped the central figure - “and four other ponies -” he moved from left to right - “Princess Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance. You can ask for anything you want, and as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, the Panel has to fulfil your request. You're not allowed to ask for more requests, or for more gold stars. Aside from that, you're allowed to ask for anything you want. Such as, say... Canterlot Castle. Though I'm sure someone capable of obtaining three gold stars can think of a better idea.”
Discord tapped the image, and it vanished; then he snapped his claw, and the classroom changed, with the students sitting around larger tables, and a pack of cards on each table.
“Now,” said Discord, “the first step to getting what you want is knowing what's going on. And the first part of that, is knowing when someone's lying to you. Some of you may already be familiar with something called 'poker'...”
* * *
Canterlot Castle, the same day
“Art thou certain that this is a good idea, dear sister?” asked Luna.
“Not at all, Luna.” said Celestia. “I fear that what has been wrought this day will lead to great upheaval in years to come.”
“Surely thou dost not fear that Discord shall do any harm to the foals under his care?” asked Luna.
“Nay, sister. However, when those that have been taught by Discord grow up... we may be in for some interesting times.”
(1) Backstroke
(2) No self-respecting avatar of chaos would ever allow his desks to be in rows. Nor would he ever allow the desks to be in the same arrangement two days running.
(3) Discord's syllabus(4) included basic psychology, information retrieval techniques, financial management, advanced probability and enough maths and science to get into any university in Canterlot.
(4) The written syllabus consisted only of three pages of smiley faces. Discord wasn't very good at paperwork.