"No" Means "No!"
"And so..." Cheerilee smiled as she tapped a long metal stick suggestively against the black and white illustration of a mare's vulva on a wide poster board at the front of the classroom. "The momma horse, at the peak of her estrus cycle, lifts her tail and submissively urinates in the presence of the poppa horse. This excites poppa, increasing the blood pressure to the vascular tissue in his penis, which is normally retracted horizontally within the prepuce. During the time it takes for tumescence to produce a full erection, poppa approaches momma from behind and inhales the scent of her urine-stained vulva, which is an instinctive habit from the days when breeding was a great deal more important than chocolate and roses. Heehee."
Placing the metal stick down, she used her mouth to flip the poster board.
"Mmmf... Alright. Now, the average poppa phallus is—Oh, goodness me!" Cheerilee blushed as she flipped the image of two well-endowed zebras down to the floor. "How did that get there? Must have gotten the files mixed up! Heeheehee... ahem... oh dear..."
At that precise moment, the school bell rang, causing every filly and colt to rattle in their seats.
"Oh! My, how the time flies!" Cheerilee said in a melodic voice. "Well, students, I do believe that concludes our mature lesson on sex, for which today's seminar had been tagged! Enjoy your weekend, children! I'll see you all on Monday, when our lesson topic will cover 'bridges and the trolls who live under them!'"
The schoolroom's chorus of quiet, sobbing noises dissipated as the little ponies gathered their belongings and shuffled numbly out the door without saying a single word to each other. Glossy eyes reflected the pale sky from outside as they left their foalhood behind.
"Ahhh..." Cheerilee gathered clustered of posterboards featuring all sorts of equine genitalia. "How I do love broadening mines and shrinking egoes."
"Shnorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rainbow Dash shnor'd from the corner, sitting slumped back atop a stool with her mouth dangling to the side and drooling.
"Up and at 'em, Rainbow Dash!" Cheerilee pleasantly sang to the sleeping flier. "Chaperone duty is no longer required!"
"Eugh... nnngh..." Rainbow sat up, wiping her mouth dry as she blinked blearily across the room. "Huh? What? Did the kids graduate yet?"
"The lesson went on for much longer than I had anticipated," Cheerilee explained as she slid the posters into the opposite corner behind the Equestrian flag. "Nopony fainted this year! Turns out we didn't need you for an emergency flight to Nurse Redheart's clinic after all!"
"Oh... well..." Rainbow Dash stretched her muscles, stifling a heavy yawn. "That's alright. I probably would have fallen asleep and flown into a mountain anyways."
"It was so kind of you to spend a whole day with us, Rainbow," Cheerilee said with a bright smile. "I'm so sorry to have taken all of your time."
"Hey..." Rainbow shrugged as she sat up and flexed her leg muscles. "It was either this or help Pinkie Pie with her cupcake buffet. I don't quite have the same sugar tongue that she has. And believe you me—heh—my tongue has been to several places."
"I'm inclined to believe you."
"Speaking of which, I'm mad thirsty," Rainbow Dash remarked, panting. She glanced to her right and saw a tall tube of bubbling green liquid atop the teacher's desk. "Hey, mind if I wet my whistle?" She reached for the strange quaff.
"Rainbow, no!" Cheerilee gripped her hoof before it could make contact. "Don't drink that! That was something I had hoped to use as a teaching tool for the lesson plan, but I never got around to it."
"Just what the hay is it?" Rainbow asked.
"It's a sample of Narwhal Sweat."
"Narwhat now?"
"Narwhal Sweat. The most potent sexual aphrodesiac in Equestrian Alchemical Knowledge!" Cheerilee pointed towards a cage with two guinea pigs on the opposite side of the desk. "I was going to give a sample to them so that the foals could see Mother Nature in action. Even a single drop of Narwhal Sweat is known to make creatures aroused for hours on end!"
"Heh, no kidding?"
"Works on almost every species!" Cheerilee smiled, then bore a blank expression. "Except for certain breeds of pigeons, where it's known to turn them into rampaging garden shovel murderers."
"Wat."
"But oh well. I'll just refrigerate it and save it for a demonstration next year!" Cheerilee lifted the guinea pig cage and made a baby face. "Sowwy widdle guys! You'll have to make babies another time!"
"Wait..." Rainbow Dash pointed. "Aren't they both dudes?"
"Don't judge me," Cheerilee blurted as she placed the cage on a shelf. She fidgeted, her legs crossing slightly. "Oh goodness, all this talk of greasy organs has done a number on me. I have to outside and make sissy behind the rose bush. Would you look over the classroom for me while I'm gone? It'll only be a minute. Ugh. It's been five long months without a homeless mule turning this place into a soup kitchen and I want to keep it that way."
"Hey, sure thing!" Rainbow saluted as the happily humming mare trotted out the front door. "Go on and make teacher, tinkle—er... I mean..."
Cheerilee let out a laugh and was gone.
Rainbow Dash stood alone, rocking back and forth on her hooves. "Hrmmmff... but I'm still thirsty as heck." She glanced right, glanced left, then locked her eyes on the bubbling green liquid. "Awwww what the hay? Whyyy Ohhhh Elll Ohhh, amirite?"
That uttered, Rainbow Dash snatched the test tube in the crook of her hoof, lifted her head, and guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled, guzzled it down the hatch. It took a full minute to drink every last drop of the viscous solution. When the last of the Narwhal Sweat had finally ran its slimy course down her esophagus, she planted the thing down on the tabletop and exhaled towards the far wall.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh..."
A grin hung off Rainbow's face, a grin that swiftly burned rosy, then rosier, then even rosier. Her smile melted as a deep heat rolled through her cheeks, standing each blue coat hair on end. Her pupils shrank, and swift perspiration ran off the tips of her fuzzy ears. The whites of her eyes pulsated from tiny red arteries. Soon enough, her wings were raising like tomahawk missiles lifted on steel hydraulics and aimed towards the sopping wet sky beyond the fragile ceiling of that place. The blue wings twitched as blood pulsed decisively through the turgid ends of her rock hard appendages.
"Oh geez." Her voice was deeper than normal, and when it cracked it was like continents shattering to bits in her throat. The grin reappeared, this time laced with drool and producing vapors with each palpitating breath. "I could go for some cupcakes right about now." She gulped dryly. "Gooey, creamy, warm and doughy cupcakes."
Cheerilee pranced back in not a second later.
"Hidey ho, Rainbow Dash!" She sang to the ceiling. "So polite of you to watch over the place while I was gone!"
With a jerking motion, Rainbow's eyes locked on the teacher, her pupils following the ruby mare's bouncing, flouncing body. "Yes... I can be very... very..." She licked her lips and sashayed towards her. "Very... very polite..."
"Indeed you can! Now, if you'll excuse me..." Cheerilee brought a satchel down from her table, opened it up, and bent over to examine the contents. "I have to find my lesson planner and map out the upcoming week. Hmmm..." She bent over further. "For the love of oats! Where did I put that folder?"
"You... uh..." Rainbow Dash teetered left, teetered right, all the time her eyes locked on Cheerilee's lock, just beneath her fuchsia tail. "...you did your business, didn't you?"
"Mmmhmmm. Yes. Now..." Cheerilee stuck her muzzle deep into the bag, her voice echoing cutely upon the brink of annihilation. "Where in blazes is it?" Her flanks wriggled as her lungs panted in frustration. "I swear, I need to get a smaller saddlebag. You can fit a whole freight train in here—"
Just then, Cheerilee's tail lifted. "You certainly can," Rainbow Dash's voice hissed.
Cheerilee's head flew out of the bag, her pupils cockeyed. She looked behind her. "Uhhh... Miss Dash?"
"Hmmmm..." Rainbow was holding the tip of Cheerilee's tail up. "You totally did do your business, didn't you?"
"I... uh... don't see how that is frankly any of your business—"
"Celestia on a bike!" Rainbow's eyes rolled back as she inhaled between clicking speech. "It's like the backstreets of Fillydelphia on a warm summer day!"
"Eh?"
"Don't 'eh' me..." Rainbow leaned in, leaned over, and leaned on top of Cheerilee, purring into her ear. "You're gonna have to pick another vowel soon, girl."
"I... I..." Cheerilee gulped. "I don't think I like what you are suggesting, Miss Dash. I believe that—" Her eyes suddenly caught a glinting object atop the desk. She gasped to see an empty test tube. "By the gates of Tartarus!"
"If you wanna call them that, fine by me." Rainbow dripped. "One way or another, they're gonna get busted down."
"Rainbow Dash, please. Just calm down. Let me go get help and we'll sort this—"
"Ungh!" Rainbow frowned at the schoolroom as she reached the peak of hyperventilation. "It's too hard and pointy in here. We need some place... fluffier..."
"Fl-fluffier?"
"Don't worry..." Rainbow gripped Cheerilee by the waist and began flapping her wings. "I know every pegasus says about how cold it is up in the sky." She aimed towards the window. "But we're about to make it a lot... lot warmer."
"Rainbow! No! Please!" Cheerilee squirmed and thrashed in the pegasus' muscular grip. "Don't do this! I've been saving myself for teaching high school!"
But it was too late. Rainbow smashed through the window and shot the two of them up, up, up until they pierced the clouds. The two disappeared beyond the mists, where there was much shrieking to be heard, punctuated by periodic, rhythmic salvos of unnatural thunder.
~ * X X X *~
"Just... sl-slide one more apple in, Apple Bloom!" Applejack hissed, her face muscles tensed and covered in sweat.
"One more?!" Apple Bloom gasped, clutching the plump red fruit in two hooves. "Are you sure?"
"Yes..." Applejack panted. "Ah-ah can take it!"
"But... b-but you've taken so many apples already!"
"Ah'm a big girl, Apple Bloom, sweetie!" Applejack's eyes rolled back as she fought for breath. "You'll be able to t-take this many apples yerself when yer older!"
"Well, okay, then," Apple Bloom nodded, squinted her eyes, and aimed the fruit with her forelimbs. "But only because Granny ain't watchin' us!"
"Hurry... j-just put it in!"
"Nnngh!" Apple Bloom shoved the apple forward with all her might.
The fruit flew through the air, came down, and landed atop a pile of identical fruit perched atop Applejack's back.
"Woohooo!" Apple Bloom pumped her hoof through the air. "Six whole baskets! That's gotta be a Ponyville record, Applejack!"
"Yeah, well..." Applejack smiled sweatily as she teetered left and right, then found her balance. She pivoted about, carrying six baskets filled to the brim with apples and perched atop her strong spine. "Ya know what they say! If ya can't carry six baskets of apples on yer back, then ya can't be bothered to foal any children!"
"Huh... weird..." Apple Bloom scratched her head. "Giving birth was the last thing on my head just now!"
"Life's funny when ya take the time to smell it." Applejack marched her way towards the distant barn on buckling hooves. "Fuuu... fuuu... now, be a good filly and run along home to fetch the—"
"Applesauce!" Rainbow Dash shouted, bright-eyed, landing in front of the two ponies so hard that she formed a deep crater in the farmland of Sweet Apple Acres. THUD
"Gaaah!" Apple Bloom fell on her pre-pubescent plot.
"Whoah nelly!" Applejack reared her hooves. In the process, she lost all six baskets and their contents. Despite the relief of disappearing weight, she spun about with a frown. "Awwwww shoot."
"Applejackjackjack!" Rainbow grinned left and right, her skull twitching in opposite directions as her wings throbbed. "Your melons are spilling out all over the place!"
"Actually, Rainbow, they're apples. You of all ponies should know that—"
Rainbow Dash was suddenly staring Applejack down, muzzle to muzzle. "You've got freckles that don't quittttttt!" Rainbow slurred.
Applejack blinked then blinked again. "Ah reckon ah do. Uhm. Rainbow? Why did ya land here in front of us all flamin' missile like?"
"I'm hard!" Rainbow Dash twitched and twitched again. "Aren't you hard t-too?!"
Applejack's mouth lingered open. She adjusted her hat and dripped forth, "Hardcore, right? Don't y'all usually add a 'core' to the end of that?"
"Don't mind if I do!" Rainbow Dash plunged her head towards the ground like an ostrich, biting an apple whole. She lifted her neck towards the sky and crunched the fruit to a pulp before swallowing and gasping. "Ahhhh! Brittle! Sweet and gritty beneath the tongue! Nnnnngh-Goddess!"
"Rainbow Dash? Are y'all alright?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Apple Blooooooom!" Rainbow Dash reared about with twitching eyes. "Blossom! Flower! Petals! Nectar! Nnngh!" She jerked her head left and right, her grin a fractured thing. "You're gonna fill that fluffy red bow of yours nicely someday! Call me when you do, okay? Okay! Okay okay okay okay okay—"
"Mmmmmmmmkay..." Applejack trotted in between Rainbow Dash and Apple Bloom. "Run home, lil' sis, and fetch Big Mac with a wagon, why don'tcha? Reckon these here spilled apples have gotta make their way to the barn one way or another."
"Uhhh... sure thing!" Apple Bloom nodded. She adjusted her bow with a brief frown before trotting off under the sunset. "See ya in a bit, AJ! Good luck to you and your fever, Rainbow Dash!"
"Peaches and cream!" Rainbow Dash blurted, wall-eyed.
"Whew! The little darlin' is right about one thang, Rainbow." Applejack started shuffling the apples together into neat little piles. "Yer sufferin' from somethang awful! Did you fly a little too high over a snowstorm or somethin'? Yer nose is all red."
"Is it really?" Rainbow Dash panted and panted. "I could have sworn Cheerilee was hot pink!"
Applejack did a double-take. "What... does that have to do with anythang?"
"But... y'know..." Rainbow Dash crept forward and crept forward some more. "We are all pink on the inside." She winked. "Aren't we, Applejackjackjack?"
Applejack couldn't stop staring at Rainbow Dash, probably because Rainbow Dash's face was less than an inch away from her muzzle. The farm mare gulped and fanned herself with her hat. "Ah reckon so. Ah also reckon that you've been guzzlin' too much firewater or somethin'... uhm..." She started waving the hat at Rainbow Dash, fanning her instead. "Rainbow? Are y'all on fire or somethang? Yer lookin' mighty volcanic, sugarcube—"
Applejack's speech ended as soon as Rainbow Dash gripped her neck with the crook of her hoof.
"You've always had a funny accent, AJ," Rainbow Dash murmured. She winked, her nostrils channeling hot breath like a jet engine. "Let's stretch that throat of yours outtttt."
"Now, Rainbow Dash, let go of meh—" Applejack gasped as her hooves left the ground. "Gul-darn it, Rainbow! Ah said let go!" She tried smacking the pegasus, but her legs gave out as Rainbow accelerated the two swiftly towards the heavens. "What in tarnation?! Ah'll tan yer hide for this!"
"Ohhhhhhhhh yes you will!" Rainbow Dash's eyes rolled back as she flew the two of them into the cloudy mist above. "Yes you will yes you will yes you willlll!"
"Rainbow! Stop it! Stop it right this instant!" Applejack's voice echoed from beyond the blinding skies. "What in the hay do y'all think yer doing?! No! Augh! Stop it! Ugh! Stop! Stop stop stop stop!"
From below, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom stood, having brought the wagon to the field of abandoned apples. They were gazing high up into the sky, their eyes and ears locked on the cloud, beyond which horrified grunting noises rose in high volume. Apple Bloom blinked while Big Mac's mouth fell open, dropping the hay stalk that he had been chewing on all afternoon.
Apple Bloom gulped and murmured, "Our sister's bucked, isn't she?"
"Eeeeeeeyup."
~ * X X X *~
"And then Rainbow Dash yanked her up to the sky all rude-like!" Apple Bloom stammered as she paced back and forth across the main room to Twilight Sparkle's library. "And we started hearin' all this awful racket from overhead, as if Rainbow Dash and Applejack were havin' one of their regular wrestlin' matches, only Rainbow Dash was winnin' the whole time!"
"And she hasn't come back down since?" Twilight asked with a concerned expression.
"Which one?"
"Either of them!"
"No, Twilight! That's just the thang!" Apple Bloom stamped her hooves onto the wooden floor as she looked worriedly up at the lavender unicorn with the lavender coat. "It's like they both disappeared! That's why I came here to shout at yer lavender hide! I'm worried mighty sick!"
"I understand your concern, Apple Bloom. But you have to keep in mind." Twilight gestured as she spoke. "Rainbow Dash has done stranger things before."
"She has?"
"You know as well as your sister does that Rainbow's prone to doing ridiculous practical jokes."
"Yeah, but this was different!" Apple Bloom frowned. "Applejack's been made the butt of a joke, but not like this! In fact, it's her butt that I'm most worried about!"
"Oh, r-really?" Twilight stirred uncomfortably. She trotted over and opened the front door. "Then... maybe... uhm... you should go and speak to Nurse Redheart about it."
"Twilight, is everythang okay?"
"Yes! Absolutely perfect!" Twilight sweated as she looked up at the nearby clock on the wall. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"Because I can't help but get the feelin' that you've been trying to get me to leave this place ever since I arrived."
"Apple Bloom! Don't be silly!" Twilight chuckled. "It's not like I'm expecting anypony!"
"Twilight Sparkle, unicorn of friendship and hugs!" sang Zecora as she trotted suddenly through the front door. She opened a satchel and produced a plastic bag full of white powder. "Saturday has arrived, and I bring you your dr—" Just then, the zebra saw Apple Bloom and went-bugeyed. "M-mugs!" she blurted, shoving the pouch back into her satchel. "Mugs of tea!" She fidgeted, sweating. "F-for you and me!"
"Zecora!" Twilight gulped, grinned, and gulped again. "You're just in time! Apple Bloom was talking to us about... uh... Rachel Dawson?"
"Rainbow Dash."
"Rainbow Dash! She's... carrying ponies up into the sky where there's nothing but the rhythmic grunts of mares in distress!"
"Just Applejack, actually," Apple Bloom droned with bored eyes.
"Well, I-I was just being figurative! We all have a little bit of Applejack in us all, don't we?"
"I'm scared that she's more inside Rainbow Dash than anypony else!" Apple Bloom exclaimed.
"My dear Apple Bloom, don't be silly!" Zecora said with a smile. "Rainbow Dash would never hurt a mare or filly! Why, just along my way here I happened to bump into the pegasus without fear!"
Apple Bloom did a double-take. "You did?"
On cue, Rainbow Dash poked her demonically grinning head through the door. "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Dashie!"
"Rainbow! There you are!" Twilight chuckled as she trotted forward. "It's so nice to see you smiling and trotting about instead of whisking helpless females to their doom!" She hissed aside as she passed Zecora. "Meetmebythedockslater." She resumed grinning at the pegasus. "Apple Bloom hasn't seen Applejack in nearly twelve hours. How is she?"
"Oozing out of three places at once." Rainbow Dash leaned forward and purred into Twilight's ear. "How are you, gorgeous?"
"Heehee—Rainbow, stoppp!" Twilight playfully slapped her side before gazing back at Apple Bloom. "As you can see, everything's perfectly normal! I don't see what you're so worked up about!"
"Uhhhh..." Apple Bloom's amber eyes reflected Rainbow as she sniffed, nuzzled, and rubbed against Twilight's cutie mark amorously. "Riiiiight..."
"Alas, as much as I would like to attend this juncture..." Zecora swiveled on her hooves and trotted towards the door. "I must return home and work on my acupuncture."
Rainbow Dash spun to gawk at her. "Acuwhat now?"
"The fine art of needles and pressure points. It does a number to one's joints!"
"Soooooo..." Rainbow Dash licked her lips and brushed rudely past Twilight. Her mane hung like a sweat-stained rag off her skull as she grinned before Zecora. "In other words, you're super used to pain?"
"I suspect that you could say so. My threshold isn't quite so low."
Rainbow Dash grinned from ear to ear. Pomf. Her wings shot towards the ceiling. "Maybe you could help me too, Zeccy-Zeccy."
Apple Bloom made a face. "'Zeccy-Zeccy?'"
"I have a fever, girl..." Rainbow Dash leaned in, brushing her nose through Zechora's mohawk. "Mmmmm... And it requires thirty lashes. Think you can handle it?"
Zecora's nose scrunched up. "Rainbow, such sass! Are you trying to make a pass?"
"Mmmmm-What the heck." Rainbow Dash jumped and grabbed Zecora's tail. "You're covered in enough stripes as it is anyway." Swooosh! She shot skyward with a floundering, monochromatic windsock in tow.
"Unngh! Unhoof me, vagabond! This abduction was not agreed upon!"
Twilight watched through the doorway—bug eyed—as her best pegasus friend made off with her best zebra friend. "Huh... something's... strange about this..."
Apple Bloom trotted up, sighing. "Now do you believe me?"
"Maybe Rainbow Dash just likes acupuncture!"
"She likes puncturin' somethang alright!" Apple Bloom frowned. "Twilight, what are ya gonna do about it?!"
"Ungh..." Twilight rolled her eyes and trotted away. "I'll go round up the girls."
"Finally!"
Up above, the clouds boiled and shook. "Please, Rainbow, this is not a joke!" Zecora's voice painfully echoed. "Ugh! Th-those holes are not for you to poke!"
~ * X X X *~
Rarity finished sipping a mug of hot cocoa and slapped it down on a table top inside Sugarcube Corner.
"Twilight, I simply cannot believe what you're suggesting!" She adjusted the scarf around her pale neck and stared boredly at the others seated before her. "Why, the very insinuation of the matter! Rainbow Dash most certainly is not 'on the prowl,' as t'were! I don't even know where you could get such a notion!"
"Apple Bloom was seriously concerned about the situation, and she had every r-right to be!" Twilight twitched and twitched, rubbing her forelimbs together as she stared out the nearby window with bleary eyes. "Applejack hasn't b-been seen s-since last evening! And now Zecora is m-missing! Nnngh. Plus, you have to take into account how all of this got started! Cheerilee was teaching a cl-class full of foals about equine sexuality, and according to rumor she h-had with her a tall glass full of Narwhal Sweat!"
"Narwhal what now?!" Pinkie Pie asked as she trotted up to the counter with a tray full of chocolates. "That had better be sudsy! Like root beer! The best beer to come out of a blowhole!"
"No, Pinkie P-P-Pie!" Twilight hissed, rubbing her forelimbs and then her face and then her forelimbs again. "It is not at all like soda! It's a highly p-potent aphrodisiac that Rainbow Dash c-could very well have drank whole! I went to the school b-building and checked myself! Nnngh! It's gone! All gone! Nnngh!"
"Twilight...?" Fluttershy leaned forward with a concerned expression. "Is everything alright?"
"What?!" Twilight snapped at her, jittering.
Fluttershy flinched, biting her lip. "Mmmm... it's j-just that you look so antsy and nervous at the moment."
"I'm fine! Fine fine fine! Just fine!" Bags formed under Twilight's eyes as she glared out the window. "Itoldhertomeetmeatthedocks!" she hissed out the side of her mouth.
"I still think the issue of the matter deserves repeating," Rarity said with her snout held high. "Rainbow Dash is the loyalest and most dependable pony in all of Equestria! She would never be inspired to do anything unwarranted to the lot of us! I don't care if the impetus was artificial!"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie frowned. "And besides, she's too busy helping me prepare for the cupcake buffet! We're gonna bake the most dazzling super spectacular cupcake-eating feast ever!"
"Oh, I remember that!" Fluttershy exclaimed. She blinked. "But, I don't understand. Wasn't she supposed to set that up with you a few days ago?"
"Hey, you're right!" Pinkie rubbed her chin. "Funny. If I didn't know better, I'd say she was avoiding me and all the work that needed to be done!"
SMASH! Rainbow crashed through the window with a shower of shards. "I'm avoiding wh-what, now?" she asked, glass and blood dribbling off her tight muscles.
"Dashie!" Pinkie Pie gasped, tossing her forelimbs up with an explosive smile. "How nice of you to drop in!"
"Pinkiiiiiie..." Rainbow twitched and grinned while floundering across Sugarcube Corner. "How nice of you to bend over and spread apart like an inside out cake full of lemon fr-frosting..."
"Ha! That's a good one, Dashie!" Pinkie clenched her eyes shut as Rainbow licked her face, then licked her face again and again. "Heehee! Dashiiiie? What's gotten into you?! Heeheehee! I think I like it!"
"Hmmmmffhweeeghgeeehghuuuu..."
"Uhm, Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy winced as her pegasus friend slathered Pinkie's face with kiss after kiss. "Are you... feeling alright?"
Twilight thrusted her neck forward. "Where's Zecora?!" She pounded the tabletop with her hoof. "Where is she with my dr—asdfghjkl!" She hissed and pulled her cheek muscles apart with shaking hooves. "Nnnnngh—Mugs of friendship and hugs and Celestia on a bike I could carve my way through a whale's sternum with a buzz saw at this rate! Grrrrrghh!"
Fluttershy smiled nervously, lightly shoved Twilight aside, and spoke again, "Ahem. Rainbow Dash, we were having a meeting because everypony's worried about you. Applejack and Cheerilee have gone missing and—uhm—well, you really don't seem to be acting quite like yourself lately."
"Mmmmf..." Rainbow Dash had pushed Pinkie onto her back and was nuzzling her way down her fluffy pink chest as the mare giggled and gigglesnorted. "Really?" Blood pulsed from her wings to her muzzle and back as she nuzzled and licked Pinkie's navel. "I haven't noticcccced..."
"Ha ha ha ha!" Pinkie Pie rolled with her legs curled against Rainbow Dash's shoulders as she cackled, "Stop it, ya silly filly! My mommy parts are ticklish, don'tchaknowww!"
"Rainbow!" Rarity gasped, eyes wide. "This is most unbecoming of a pony! Even one as brash as you!"
"Uhm..." Fluttershy leaned in towards the unicorn, her eyes locked on Rainbow. "I-I don't think she can hear you through Pinkie's tail hairs, Rarity." She suddenly winced, blushing red as a beet. "Or... uhm... her other hairs."
"Seriously, Rainbow Dash, what is happening to you?" Rarity frowned. "You are usually not this intimate!" She blinked, her frown slowly melting and giving way to a flushed, flushed expression. "This... intensely... voraciously... unabashedly intimate..." She exhaled heavily. A bead of sweat ran down her neck, so she loosened her scarf with a hoof as the words started slurring from her limp lips. "So... strong and f-forceful and... violently curious. My stars..."
"Uh... Rarity?" Fluttershy squinted. "Are you alright?"
"Mmmmm..." Rarity smiled drunkenly, eyes sparkling as she fanned herself. "I do believe I am better than alright, darling." She unconsciously ran a hoof across her damp chest and downwards. "I feel as if things are at last coming together. Or, perhaps, simply just coming—"
"Fluttershy's right!" Twilight burst between her two friends, knocking them out of their seats. She seethed and seethed. "None of this is alright! We gotta do something before my head explodes and I end up snorting puppies' blood!"
"What?!" Fluttershy stood up, quivering. "But why would you want to—?"
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight snorted, her nostrils exploding and imploding between each labored breath. "You get off Pinkie Pie this instance or else I'm calling the..."
Silence.
Rainbow Dash was gone. As the dust settled, the mares noticed a distinctly pegasus-and-earth-pony shaped hole freshly formed in the ceiling.
Twilight's pupils shrank. "...cops."
"Wh-what?!" Rarity shot up, using her scarf like a towel to nervously dry the ends of her hooves. "Nothing of the s-sort, darling!"
"Rarity, she said 'cops,'" Fluttershy muttered.
"Oh... uhm..." Rarity straightened her mane and tried not to fidget. "I most certainly knew that!"
"This isn't good..." Twilight panted, trotting in tight little circles. "Rainbow Dash took Pinkie Pie, and Zecora isn't meeting me by the docks."
"Don't forget about Pinkie Pie's cupcake buffet!" Fluttershy said with a sad face. "It'll never be baked at this rate!"
"Oooh! Ooooh!" Rarity jumped in place, cupping her hooves around her mouth as she shouted out the fresh ponyhole looming above them. "Me, Rainbow Dash! Me! I'll surely join you in the baking of gooey, creamy delights! Do you hear me?!"
Twilight lowered Rarity's hooves, frowning. "There's no time! We have to warn the entire town about this problem!"
"And how would we go about doing that?" Fluttershy blinked. "Twilight, surely you can't expect us to trot from block to block, slapping up wanted posters everywhere!"
~ * X X X *~
The next day, the mares trotted from block to block, slapping up wanted posters everywhere.
"'Beware the Blue Menace,'" Fluttershy read out loud. She winced at the poorly-drawn illustration of a drooling pegasus with devil horns. "Oh goodness. Do you..." She gulped and looked at her two friends, shivering. "D-do you think we went a little overboard?"
Twilight teetered with bloodshot eyes. "What I wouldn't give to do a line across a wooden board right about now..."
"Huh?"
"Nnngh!" Twilight shook her head and snarled. "Yes!" She stomped her hooves. "It's fine, Fluttershy!"
"But you have it written here that she's 'a repeat offender who relishes the smell of dead kittens lying on the sidewalk!'"
"Wait, you mean to say she doesn't?"
"Twilight..."
"Nnngh! So forgive me for trying to fill in the lines! The nice... gritty... wh-white lines..." Twilight rubbed and rubbed for forelimbs. "Ugh! Why's it so bright out?!"
"Twilight, it's overcast..."
"That's not the point! The point is... nnngh... never... enough c-coffee in this blasted world!" Twilight launched herself against another lamppost, violently slapping another poster to it upside down. Thud. "Come on! Only fifty more blocks!"
"But Ponyville only has twenty streets."
"Then we'll comb over it three more times! Like a centipede! With... guh... r-rocket launchers! Nnngh! Time's a-wasting, Fluttershy!" Twilight galloped ahead in a jittery fashion. "You need to learn to put the 'ass' in 'assertive!' Nnngh! Goddess I am so dry!"
"Rarity..." Fluttershy gulped and glanced aside at her other friend. "I'm scared for Twilight. I don't think Rainbow's the only pony with a problem."
"Oh, you don't say?" Rarity's painted eyes were craned towards the murky clouds overhead. "It sounds like we're a pair of frightened, helpless mares! Concerned for our friends! Powerless to do anything about it!" She feigned a fainting spell, one forelimb draped over her horn. "OoOoOoOoOoh! Emphasis on powerless!"
"Did you hear me Rarity—" Fluttershy paused to squint at her companion. "And... are you wearing more makeup than usual?"
Rarity blinked. "Powerless and beautiful!" She tilted her head up. "Did you hear that?! Good heavens, this weather sure is stiflingly hot! I'm sweating through to my Victorioats' Secret silken saddle! What about you, Fluttershy?! Darling?! Oh, what a comically bad day to have left my purse with all of my personal ID and means of self-defense back at the Boutique!"
"There's no need to shout, Rarity. I'm standing right next to you."
Rarity hissed under her breath. "I wasn't talking necessarily to you, darling."
"Then... uh... who—"
"Shhh!" Rarity shot a glass-slipper'd hoof out, gawking at the sky. "Did you hear that?" She grinned drunkenly. "Doth mine ears deceive me? Was that or was that not the divine sound of diving feathers?"
"I think it's just the wind."
Rarity sighed.
Just then, both ponies heard hoofsteps. They looked over to spot a lime-green unicorn walking up to a payphone. Lyra dropped a golden bit in and telekinetically lifted the handle to her head. After it dialed and picked up on the other end, she smiled nervously and spoke into the phone.
"Hey! Bon Bon! Long time no chat! So, uh, I went to the doctor's today! Yeah... uhm..." She played with the phone's cord as she fidgeted. "I just found that... I-I have hooves." She gulped. "So, uh, you m-might want to have yourself checked..."
Just then, a blue streak shot down and grabbed the pony from behind.
"Come on uppppp..." Rainbow Dash lustfully drooled. "The weather's fiiiiiiine..."
"Gaah! Let go! Let go!" Lyra thrashed as she was lifted skyward from the disconnected pay phone. "So help me, I'll shove my five-knuckled fist right up your—Aaaaaaah!" Her speech was cut off by a layer of clouds. Somewhere above the miasma, her voice returned, only this time in dramatically panicked and increasingly repetitive grunting noises.
Rarity and Fluttershy gawked.
With a whimper, Fluttershy stammered, "This is awful! Just awful!"
"I know..." Rarity sniffled, pouting. "Why didn't I think of posing by a pay phone? It's the oldest trick in the book!"
"Rarity!" Fluttershy turned and grabbed the unicorn by the shoulders. "At this rate, every pony in town will be snatched up by tomorrow night! We have to gallop somewhere safe and secluded so that we can hide from Rainbow Dash's sight!"
"Awwwww..." Rarity made a puppy face, her painted eyes fluttering. "Do we have to?"
"Please, Rarity! I'm really scared! Come on!" Fluttershy yanked her as she trotted off.
"Gaaah! Look! Look! I'm being abducted!" Rarity barked towards the heavens. "Is somepony just going to roll over for such blatantly outmatched competition?!"
"Hurry!"
"Eeep! Not so fast, darling, you'll break a silk string!"
~ * X X X *~
Mayor Mare slapped a wooden gavel down onto a podium. "Order!" she shouted across the interior of Town Hall, trying to throw her volume over the noise of a disgruntled crowd of restless ponies gathered before her. "I want some order in here! Silence! Silence immediately!"
At last, the citizens of Ponyville stood at nervously silent attention. The darklit windows reflected their jittery faces.
"Now..." The Mayor leaned forward on the podium with her forelimbs crossed. "I called you all here tonight to discuss our... erm... excited prankster from above. Though, at this rate, I suppose it would have been more proper to call her the flankster, am I right?" She gave a plastic smile.
Everypony was silent.
"Ungh..." The Mayor rolled her eyes and crumpled a sheet of paper to bits. "That's the last time I trust the jokes written on these cards..."
A hoof raised.
She pointed at it. "Yes, sir? You have a question?"
A stallion blinked with bright eyes. "You mean this isn't about Zecora's disappearance and the sudden strike of dock workers?"
"What?! No!" The Mayor frowned. "This is about Rainbow Dash and her suddenly insatiable libido! In case you didn't get a clue from Twilight Sparkle's incessant placement of warning posters all across town, we have a serious problem on our hooves! None of us can walk out in the daytime or else we might randomly be picked up by a pegasus with more bones to pick than she have bones to su—"
"Look, I know what you're getting at!" a mare shouted with a frown. "But we're obviously no match for this Blue Menace! If we want to get something done, then we need to contact Canterlot!"
Several other ponies shouted in agreement.
"Funny you should say that!" The Mayor exclaimed with a nod. "And I for one am a pony of fast action. That's why I've sent Derpy Hooves on a secret, nocturnal mission to contact Princess Luna! It's a full moon, and our Princess of the Night should be most swift to help us in our time in need!"
"Pffft! That ain't gonna work!" a stallion exclaimed.
"And just why not?"
"Nopony in Luna's entourage is equipped to deal with one surly pegasus! Besides, it's just not something for their line of work!"
"Meaning..."
"Well, everypony knows that every guard that works for Luna is castrated!"
Crickets.
"What... it... that..." The Mayor shook her head and wheezed, "What the buck?!" She tossed her forelimbs. "I mean, what the buck, man!"
"Hey! I'm just saying—"
"And you're full of it! I mean, what in the royal buck?!"
"Don't let it out on me!" He stomped his hooves. "I didn't write the history books!"
"You didn't write any books, period!" A mare beside him frowned. "Who in the heck would friggin' write that? A royal guard full of eunuchs, my flank!"
"Okay, look, so maybe I just heard it from passing word of muzzle—"
"Pffft!"
"That's some muzzle!"
"What's Luna's guards gonna do if a rampaging dragon attacks the castle? Sing him to death with falsetto notes?"
The Town Hall filled with uproarious laughter.
"Now, order, ponies!" The Mayor slammed the gravel again. "I want order in this place immediately! With or without testicles, the guard is our only hope!"
"I thought Derpy Hooves was our only hope!" a pony exclaimed.
"That's assuming she gets the emergency letter to Canterlot in time!" the Mayor retorted.
"Oh, I don't think you'll have to worry about that," dripped a voice from the rafters of the Town Hall above.
Everypony murmured, fidgeting fearfully as they looked all about the place.
The Mayor gulped. "Who are you? Show yourself!"
"I don't need to show myself for you to know the truth..." The voice hissed.
The Mayor shivered, clutching tightly to the podium as she crouched low. "What tr-truth is that?" she murmured in a foalish voice.
"That..." A blue blur shot towards the side of the room. Rainbow Dash's hoof touched the lightswitch. "...she tasted like muffins. And now I'm gonna share that taste with each and every one of you." Dreadful silence. "Through the taste hole."
"No..." The Mayor lunged off the podium. "Don't—"
"Shhhh... Close your eyes." The lights went out. "And say 'Ahhhhh.'"
The ponies obeyed, albeit with prolonged screams as a blue blur shot between them, lifting the equines one at a time like howling comets towards the starlight above, where there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
~ * X X X *~
The next morning, the cold and muddied streets of Ponyville were utterly abandoned, save for one sightly mare.
Clad in a silk gown with laced sleeves, Rarity trotted into the open. She took a few pensive steps, shivering slightly as she stared up at the bubbling clouds that had gathered sickly over the helpless ghost town. Then, after several calming breaths, she allowed a flushed redness to overcome her alabaster coat. Unbuttoning the robe slightly, she tilted her muzzle to the heavens and cooed.
"Oh... what is this?! I... oh dear... I-I seem to have lost my way home from the spa!"
Silence.
"All of that sensual oiling and massaging!" Rarity teetered about, her triply painted eyes fluttering as she exhaled a perfumed breath in every direction. "Not only has it left my skin feeling ridiculously sensitive, but it has made me numb to my own surroundings! Oh, what ever would I do if some menacing, shadowed figure were to sneak up on me out here in the middle of nowhere?!"
Nothing but the wind.
Rarity blinked again, frowning. She cat-called once again, "I said, what ever would I do if—ahem—some menacing ruffian from the shadows were to swoop down and take advantage of my frail, dainty, damsel sensibilities?!"
A crow cawed in the distance.
Rarity glanced around a few times. She tapped her chin in thought, then trotted sideways towards a horse trough. Holding her breath, she plunged her upper body into it and fell back out. With exuberant melodrama, she "tripped" on a patch of rock and plunged backwards in a patch of mud.
"Unnff!" She chirped to the gray skies. "Oh dear! I seem to have fallen! And my robe and mane are thoroughly soaked! Just look at it!" She pulled tight on the edges of the garment so that its translucent silk showed every curve of her belly. "If my mammary glands were located somewhere closer to my chest region, they surely would be poking through this translucent material by now! I suppose it is a good thing that they are that much closer to my nether regions! A lady keeps all of her valuables in one place, am I correct?"
A tumbleweed may or may not have made itself present.
Rarity tilted her neck about, chanting, "How sad it is that I have very low muscular girth and am unable to lift myself from this m-muddied predicament without the swift and voluntary assistance of a muscular, well-toned mare who may or may not be flying about these parts, snatching up helpless wilting violets from the earth at random!"
The grass groaned as it grew around her.
Rarity lifted her head, then plopped it back down in the mud. "I said a mare! A flying mare!" With pouted. "A pegasus!" She frowned. "With wings!"
Nothing.
Rarity bit her lip. With a grunt, she undid her robe even further and spread her lower legs wide apart, forming an angelic "skirt" print in the mud. "Zounds! Why is my body like jelly all of the sudden? It must be something that has gone soft! Something inside of me! I very much doubt that I could find out for myself! Perhaps somepony else can! With more or less forceful entry!"
Continents shifted. Stars burnt out. The universe expanded.
With a groan, Rarity got up, wincing at all the mud and gunk that had collected along the back of her body. With a frown, she turned her nose up. "Hmmph!" She plodded along home. "Fine! Be that way! Get thee to a nunnery, you dry, unimaginative, prudish anti-tart! I don't need you! I don't need anypony!"
After a few trots, Rarity stopped entirely, pausing to let her head hang as she sighed her entire lungs' contents out.
"I swear to Celestia..." She shuffled on home at a faster gait. "If Sweetie Belle has used up all the batteries in the pantry, I'm selling her organs to Chyneigh."
~ * X X X *~
"And remember, my little friends..." Fluttershy stood before a lineup of mice, rabbits, rodents, and other little critters in the center of her cottage. She lifted a green army helmet in time to smile and say, "It's always important to stay prepared. After all, it's an unfortunate but very legitimate statistic that one in every three small furry mammals experiences something non-consensual by the age of three winters."
The little animals made dreadful shrieking sounds and clutched each other.
"I know. But that's the lot that life has given all of us!" Fluttershy strapped her helmet on tighter. "Now, I'm going to teach you something important. In a worse case scenario, it's best to shout 'fire!' instead of begging for help. Especially when you're living inside an apartment!" Her helmet shifted forward, so she shifted it back up, brushing a few of the pink bangs out of the way. "After all, more ponies are likely to respond to the probability of a housefire than a mare being taken advantage of!"
The mice and rodents shivered, tears rolling down their fuzzy faces.
"Awwwww... I know the truth hurts, little ones!" Fluttershy tilted a rabbit's face up and smiled warmly. "But it's okay. I've got everything covered! But first..." She pulled out an old, dusty VHS tape out from a nearby saddlebag. "I think we should watch this first. It's a primetime drama that aired three years ago on Lifetrot, and it totally changed my life! So what if I can never trust middle-aged, handsome stallions ever again?"
The door burst open (randomly) and Rainbow Dash came flying in.
"Oh no!" Fluttershy breathily gasped as every shrieking critter went scurrying for cover. "This is too soon!" She curled into a soft little ball, covering her head and face. "I haven't even put on my rusted, spiked chastity saddle yet!"
"Nnnngh... Fluttershy..." Rainbow Dash slumped on the floor, her coat and mane ruffled in various places. Her body was soaked all over with rain, plus mud and leaves from frequent dive attacks through the village. "You... you g-gotta help me!" She gulped and whimpered, her eyes throbbing and unthrobbing as if a ghost was playing with a red light switch inside her skull. "I've done horrible things! Terrible, horrible things!"
"Mmmmmm..." Fluttershy shivered and shivered. After a few seconds, her body settled, and she peeked through her crossed forelimbs. "Rainbow... D-Dash?" She tilted her helmet over a worried expression. "You're... you're you?"
"Of course I'm me, Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash sniffled as she curled up in the rainy, muddy puddle she had made. "I've been living a horrible dream! A dream in which I've been... I've been..."
Fluttershy bravely trotted closer. "Yes... Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow stood up, close to sobbing. "I've been... randomly accessing ponies... areas!" She sniffled and paced about in a wet circle. "Even right here! Right now! I'm in your personal, private place!" She gestured towards the interior of the cabin, her eyes moist. "Being random! See?!" She clutched a wooden support beam and slammed her blue skull against it repeatedly. "Random!" Thud! "Random!" Thwack! "Random!" Whap! "R-random!" Smack!
"Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy rushed in and held the aching pegasus' head still. "Stop hitting yourself! This isn't right!" She smiled warmly. "It's obvious to me that you're coming to. This is a good thing! Now... be still. Be calm. Focus. What happened to all of the ponies you grabbed earlier? Where did you take them?"
"I..." Rainbow Dash sniffed and rubbed her tearing cheek. "I don't know." She hiccuped on a sob. "All I remember is a whole bunch of... uh..." She gulped. "Grinding..." Her eyes widened. "And leaking..." She hissed through clenched teeth. "Totally uncool." Her ruby eyes darted towards Fluttershy. "But mostly just randomness."
"Well, you just make yourself at home and allow the memories to become clearer as the drink wears off." Fluttershy smiled and backtrotted. "Don't worry about this mess. I'll get it cleaned up."
"Okay... okay..." Rainbow Dash stood in the corner, fidgeting. "I can always count on you, Fluttershy. As long as I can remember, you've been here for me. Your kindness and gentleness is overwhelming. Maybe a bit wussy at times, but always... nice... in a... er... nice way, nicely speaking..."
"Oh, I try my best!" Fluttershy said pleasantly as she trotted back with a bucket of water and a mop. She clutched the mop in two forelimbs, doused it, and began soaking the floor with liberal strokes. "After all, my friends mean everything to me."
"Yes... uh..." Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. "I suppose we do." She turned to look at Fluttershy. "Honestly, I don't know where I would be in life if it wasn't for you—" Her breath stopped.
Fluttershy's soft, supple flank cheeks writhed in alternating rhythms beneath the gentle swish of a silken tail as she persistently stroked and stroked and stroked the mop across the floor. "If it wasn't for me—what, Rainbow?"
Rainbow Dash's mouth hung open. Dryly, she finished her sentence: "—making ends meet."
"Yes, well, that's what I'm here for, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said, her haunches lifting as she bent over to soak a sponge and scrub it across the muddied floor. "To make you come to your senses..."
"Uhhhh..." Rainbow Dash's left eye twitched.
"To bring you warmth and contentment." Fluttershy stretched forward, her wings feathering outward like a yellow peacock's tail hairs, haloing a deliciously curve "M"-shape before Rainbow as the mare's golden coat glistened in the platinum light wafting in through the windows. "To kiss your bruises away, lick your moist wounds clean, and even nuzzle you to sleep if you're feeling lonesome." Her tail lifted like an exclamation point as she stretched to clean mud from a far corner of the cottage. "And maybe, just maybe, to be there when you hit the peak of your life's experiences."
"Hit..." Rainbow Dash's breath came out in vapors as her wings slowly, slowly lifted once more. "...the peak..."
"Waaaieee!" Fluttershy cried out. A crashing sound filled the room. "Oh dear! I sl-slipped!"
"Guhhhhhh..." Rainbow's head cocked to the side as drool ran down her veiny neck.
"Ohhhhhhh will you just look at me?" Fluttershy floundered upside down, the bucket of water draped over her, spilling rivulets of soapy water and sudsy foam down her navel, past her haunches, and between her curved legs. "I tried to clean things up, and I only made myself dirty!" She giggled to herself, unwittingly cooing in Rainbow's direction as her cheeks turned rosy amidst the shower of invisible fireworks. "I don't know what I'm worst at. Being shy or being clumsy."
Rainbow Dash's feathertips became blue bullets. She gulped and hissed as the veins returned to her frenzied eyes. "Maaaaaaaaybe... you can be both..."
Fluttershy blinked innocently at her, a wet pony who had fallen stupidly into a bucket full of grimy water. "Huh?"
"I could use more of your kindnessssssss-Nnnnnghhh..." Rainbow Dash twitched and twitched, her face morphing into a scowl, a grin, and back. "Ungh! So... so very uncomfortable in here!"
"Oh, is it really? I'm sorry..."
"No! Don't be sorry! I mean, yes! Be sorry! Be tearful and squeally and gooey and let your tongue hang way out—I m-mean..." Rainbow Dash spread her four legs apart and repeatedly bashed her skull against the ground. "Why. Is. It. Always. The. Quiet. Ones?! Gawd!"
"Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy stood up, shaking the muddy water off her dirtied hooves. "Watch yourself. You're being random again."
"Heh—hehehehehehehehefwegh!" Rainbow's head did its damnedest to spin on a three hundred and sixty degree vertical axis. "Am I really?! I didn't notice! I guess what I need is a good ol' dosage of Dr. Fluttershy's trademark kindness!" She gnashed her molars together. "Her sweet, delicate, smooth as silk, virginal kindness!"
"Oh, well, uhm..." Fluttershy shrugged with a sweet smile. "I don't see why not!" She adjusted her helmet. "I have plenty of that to go around!"
"Yes yes yes yes yes I bet you dooooo—Guhh!" Rainbow Dash trotted in a circle, tapping her skull with a stressful gesture. "Oh, if only we had a way of relaxing in this cramped, drafty place!"
"Well, first thing you could do is take a seat."
"T-take a s-seat?"
"Yes... Let me just go find a chair." Fluttershy turned around, but was blissfully oblivious to a blue tornado roaring around her. By the next time she blinked, she gasped, for a pile of shattered chairs and torn-apart cushions had formed magically in the corner. "Good heavens!"
"Oh, look at that!" Rainbow Dash's violently grinning face suddenly appeared in Fluttershy's line of sight. "Every chair in the house is broken! How sad! Hah! Hah! Hah!" Her expression immediately turned lethal. "How will we sit now..."
"Well... uhm..." Fluttershy tapped her chin and turned towards the window. "There's always my couch—"
Crash! Rainbow Dash was already there before the shattered frame, pretending that her forelimbs weren't flinging back from a tossing motion. "Couch?! What couch! I don't see a couch! Silly Fluttershy! Lots of kindness but even more imagination! Gee! How ever are we going to sit?!"
"Well..." Fluttershy fidgeted. "Without a chair and without a couch—"
Rainbow Dash's body came sliding to a stop like a blue surf board... directly beneath Fluttershy. "Will my face do?!"
Fluttershy grimaced. "Your... f-face?"
"Yes!" Rainbow beamed. "It's soft! It's blue! It's fuzzy! It's got a tongue! Just like a couch!"
"But..." Fluttershy's face scrunched up. "My couch doesn't have a t—"
"Do you wanna get comfortable or not?!" Rainbow bellowed.
"Oh, I do! I do! I just..." Fluttershy gulped and smiled nervously. "Here goes nothing..." She slowly, slowly began to squat.
"Duaaaaaaaaaaaaah..." Rainbow Dash eagerly watched the golden coat overwhelm her eyes with a mouth hanging wide open.
~ * X X X *~
"I can't believe it, Rarity..." Twilight murmured as she trotted along the lonesome dirt road between Ponyville and Fluttershy's place. "But I think I'm actually coming to." She gulped, her eyes blossoming like white lotuses beyond the bags that had formed along her face. "Everything's becoming all clearer now. It's been days, and I'm starting to get in touch with my senses again."
"If so, then maybe you can smell how terribly everything stinks!" Rarity said, pouting, her body draped in mud-stained silks and lace. "Have you ever felt so unwanted? So disgusting? So ugly?" She tossed whatever was left of her frazzled, purple mane and grunted. "I spent all this morning vomiting up my breakfast, and still it didn't make a difference."
"I'm... starting to have memories too..." Twilight's eyes twitched as she gazed into the Everfree Forest beyond the cottage up ahead. "I used to have money. There were lots of books. There was even this purple scaled thing with legs that walked around and used to assist me. What was his name?" She grimaced suddenly. "Oh goddess. I... I-I sold him, didn't I?" Her eyes began to well up with tears. "And all for what?! Just another rush?! Unnngh! I am the worst pony ever!"
"What in blazes are we even doing out here?"
"I... I-I just need Fluttershy..." Twilight sniffled. "I need somepony I can lean on... to confess all of my troubles to..." She brought a forelimb to her face and quietly sobbed. "I n-need to know there's still hope f-for a unicorn like me..."
"Why are you the one sobbing, dear?" Rarity rolled her eyes. "It's not like you're the one who's been missing out on being ravaged like a two-bit horse."
Just then, the cottage exploded. Rainbow Dash soared skyward, her body glistening with sweat as she dragged a shrieking Fluttershy along with her.
"Oh no!" Twilight gasped. "Fluttershy! Oh dear Celestia, I cannot believe this is happening!"
"Yes, Fluttershy!" Rarity gasped, stomping her hooves. "How dare you be ravaged like a two-bit horse without us! You selfish hussy!"
"Rarity..."
"Er, I mean..." Rarity's eyes widened as she cupped the sides of her face. "That poor, unfortunate victim of dreadful circumstance!"
"I-I tried to stop her!" Fluttershy shouted as she flailed in the air. "But she only fed on kindness and endearment! Run! Save yourselves!" She tried in futility to grab a nearby tree branch. "No! I said 'no!' ‘No’ means ‘no!’ Gaaah!" She shrieked as the fuming pegasus carried her even higher on throbbing wings. "H-help! A fire! Huge, big, terrible, apartment fire!" Her shouting words dissipated beyond the clouds, replaced instead by repetitive squeaking sounds as thunder rolled through the echoes above.
All that remained was her army helmet, plopping down like a green turtle in the mud before her two friends and rotating to a cold stop.
"Rarity!" Twilight stammered, spinning about to grip her friend's shoulders. "Do you know what this means?!"
"Green camouflage is out this season?"
"No! Fluttershy's weaker than a bridge made out of snowflakes! She'll snap like a twig in seconds! We haven't time to dawdle! We need to run for safety! And now!"
"Hmmmmmmm..." Rarity's cheeks burned red as she darted her eyes innocently left and right. "What say we just stand here for a little bit longer and strategize some more?"
"Wh-what?!"
"Twilight, a lady doesn't—how did you put it?—'dawdle.'" With a toss of her mane, the unicorn tilted her head heavenward. "She paces herself, takes a survey of the situation, and tries to squeeze as much enjoyment as she can from the moment." Her eyes fluttered. "Or money. Money works too."
"Are you crazy?! If we stay around here, we're boned! Featherboned!"
"Surely you must mistake me for a mare who is ticklish."
"Fine!" Twilight frowned and stormed off. "You stay here and be suicidal! I'm going to town for shelter!" She began to gallop. "If you don't want to come, that's your perogative!"
"Well, if that was the case, it most certainly would be—"
Right at that moment, Rainbow Dash flew down and scooped Rarity up from behind. "Mmmmm..." She drooled like a wolf. "Marshmallow dessert!"
"Ooh! Thank heavens!" Rarity tossed her head back as she was forcefully lifted towards the stormy heavens. "Yes! Yes!" Her face paled, and she grimaced. "Er, I-I suppose I mean..." With melodramatic gusto, Rarity draped her body loosely in Rainbow's grip and caterwauled, "No! Please, no! Unhoof me, foul brute! I say thee nayyyy!"
"Rarity!" Twilight whimpered. Looking backwards in mid-gallop, she lost sight of her friend in a flash of lightning. Rain started pouring down, accompanied by a wicked thunder as the unicorn saw phantom shadows of a ravenous blue pegasus amidst the nightmarish deluge. "Oh jeez! Oh jeez, I picked a bad week to get on the wagon!"
Lightning flashed again. The rain came down like needles made from hail. The muddy ground exploded in several places, their puddles reflecting blue feathers diving down from every angle imaginable.
"Oh no..." Twilight whimpered as she heard the flapping of wings. She sprinted as quickly as she could towards the lone library in the middle of downtown Ponyville. "All of my friends... abducted... taken away... after having the entrances to their houses randomly accessed!" She clenched her eyes shut. "Oh, please let this all be a bad dream! Wake up! Just wake up! Remember, this is all just a wild hallucination, and please wake up!"
"Mmmmmm..." A quartet of sopping wet forelimbs snatched Twilight from behind. The unicorn felt the pegasus' heat like a scalding iron through the cold, wet rain. "Lavenderrrrr. My favorite smell..."
"Rainbow, no!" Twilight thrashed and fought in the pegasus' strong grip. The world shrank from beneath them as she was lifted up, up, up into the rumbling heart of the maelstrom. "No no no! Please, we're friends! Don't do this! Don't do this to me!" She sobbed helplessly into her forelimbs as Rainbow's grip held onto her tighter, her breath hot in her rainsoaked ears. "I'minmyhappyplace! I'minmyhappyplace! I'minmyhappyplace!"
The clouds grew dense around them, grew denser, and then parted. "Twilight..." Rainbow's voice lustily hissed.
"Happyplace! Happyplace! Happyplace!"
"Twilight..." Rainbow slurred.
"Nnnngh! Sugarcube Corner! The book store! Celestia's bedroom! The docks!"
"Twilight, open your eyes, idiot!"
Twilight winced, squeezing one eyelid open, then the other. She blinked... then blinked again. "Huh...?" Her face twisted. "What the hay?"
"Pffft! 'What the hay' yourself!" Rainbow smirked and stepped back. "What's gotten into you, filly?"
They were above the clouds, and behind Rainbow Dash, several long tables were arranged with matching snow-white cloths. Piles and piles and piles of cupcakes of variously colored frosting were stacked atop the multiple plates, against which several chairs were positioned. Every citizen of Ponyville had a seat, leaning forward and munching contentedly on his or her dessert sample. Upon sight of Twilight, they all chuckled and waved merrily at her.
"It's... it's..." Twilight gawked.
"Duh!" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in the gentle light of sunset. "The Cupcake Buffet, silly! Pinkie Pie asked me to set it up days ago, remember?"
"Yes, I know but... but..." Twilight gulped. "I thought you—"
"What?! That I left my best filly friend hanging in her time of need?!" Rainbow giggled. "I'm the Element of Loyalty! Helloooooo?! Ring any bells?!"
"Then... then..." Twilight rubbed her eyes with her hooves before gazing at Cheerilee, Zecora, Applejack, and her other friends seated at the table. Pinkie Pie waved excitedly as she passed more cupcakes around. Fluttershy nibbled on a treat before smiling contentedly. "All this time, you were just inviting us to a cupcake eating contest in the sky?"
"Mmmmm..." Rarity leaned back on a cushion, smoking a cigarette at the end of an elegant stick. "And a most divine one at that. Isn't that right, Rainbow Dash?"
"Totally!" Rainbow Dash stifled a snorting chuckle as she turned to smirk once more at Twilight. "Just what the heck did you think was going on here?"
"Oh..." Twilight wiped the sweat from her forehead as she teetered backwards. "What a relief! For a moment there, Rainbow Dash, I thought that you were randomly accessing ponies' homes just so you could abduct them to parts unknown and then have your way with their bodies, all because of a horrible deus ex machina of an aphrodisiac that had twisted your libido to discordant proportions!"
"Wh-what?!" Rainbow Dash did a double-take. "Ew! Twilight! I mean..." She stomped her hooves on the cloudbed between them. "Ew! What... how... that..." She dry-heaved, trying her best not to vomit. "Wowsers! What on earth would give you such a ridiculous idea?! Like I would even do something so out-of-character!"
"Eheheheh..." Twilight ran a hoof through her rain-soaked mane. "How silly of me, huh?"
"How sick is most like it! Man, if I sat down and thought up a story that gross, I'd be a menace to society, now matter how badly I lived like a shut-in, trying to hide it all behind cutesy, fluffy pretense!"
"I know, right?"
"Totally uncool."
"Just..." Twilight grimaced, but ultimately laughed. "A silly notion I had!"
"Yeah! Heheheheh!"
"Hah hah hah hah hah!"
"Heh heh heh... whewwwwwww..." Rainbow Dash shuddered all over. "Heh heh heh... haaaaaa..." She smiled. "But yeah. I think you're pretty hot, Twilight."
"Heeheehee—" Twilight froze. She blinked. "Wat."
And then Rainbow Dash bashed Twilight's brains in with a garden shovel.