Goin' through the big D
The gentle morning sun beamed down on the small town of Ponyville. Peace and quiet reigned throughout apart from the occasional greetings and small talk of the ponies.
Rainbow Dash found the quiet to be the perfect opportunity to catch some shut eye, and she snoozed away on a cloud hovering a scant few feet in the air. Her eyes cracked open slightly as a small rumble in her gut grabbed her attention. Her smile turned into a cheeky grin when she felt the pressure building.
"It's a shame nopony else will hear this baby."
Her muscles flexed as she prepared for what would certainly be a glorious trumpet to the heavens.
Unfortunately, fate did not smile upon Rainbow that day. Alarm bells, klaxons, and the sound of a million screaming, dying pigs echoed in her head at once, as she realized this would not be a dry affair. Her plot muscles closed quicker than a woman's legs at a comic book convention.
"Oh, crap! I knew I shouldn't have had Applejack’s twelve bean and six cheese burritos."
Despite having learned an important dietary lesson, Rainbow still had a problem to take care of. "I've got to find someplace to drop a chocolate waterfall soon, or there's gonna be hell to pay."
She carefully jumped the few feet between her cloud and the ground, wincing at the pressure still built up in her bowels. She resigned herself to walking into Ponyvillle to find relief. Any pegasus knows flying with the trots always results in an entertaining, yet disgusting, finale.
Walking into Ponyville with the best speed she could muster, Rainbow started looking around for a shop, bucket, or even Snips or Snails to solve her problem.
"Ah, there you are, Rainbow!"
Dash's ears perked up at the familiar voice. "Rarity, I don't have time right now to-"
"Oh, come now. Surely you're not in that much of a hurry. You could at least hear me out." The unicorn huffed walking alongside her friend.
Rainbow simply kept walking forward at a brisk pace. "Talk fast. Like, me fast."
"Ok, fine. I have a dress for a pegasus stunt flier I need to finish. The only problem is, there isn't another pony with a physique like her's here in Ponyville. My word, why are you in such a hurry?" Rarity had to jog just to keep up with the distressed pegasus' pace.
"So you need me to model for you? Ask again later! I've got something important I need to take care of!"
Rarity harrumphed. "You know, Rainbow, You could be just a little more helpful. Remember the time when you neede-"
Rainbow came to a halt and looked the unicorn in the eye. "Unless you want your coat dyed a darker shade of brown, you might want to ask me about this crap later, got it?"
The gears turned in the unicorn's mind until her eyes lit up with a knowing look. "Oh my! I told you not to have one of Applejack’s twelve bean and six cheese burritos."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Now I really need to go take care of this, ok?"
"I'll see you later then. Don't forget me!" Rarity pleaded as she walked off in haste.
Rainbow continued her trek into Ponyville looking for any place to relieve herself when she saw a restaurant.
"Score!" She picked up her pace a bit and stepped inside. She didn't often go to this particular place since it was usually for snooty unicorns and the like, but a bathroom is a bathroom.
"Hello madame," A posh unicorn with an expensive suit greeted her. "Just a table for yourself this morning?"
Rainbow leaned in close to the waiter. "Uhhh, actually I need to use the little fillies room."
The waiter's nose scrunched up unpleasantly. "I'm sorry, but our facilities are for paying customers."
Rainbow's eyes flared. "Are you joking? This is an emergency!"
The waiter remained unfazed. "I assure you, I am not joking."
Rainbow poked a forceful hoof into the waiter's chest as her gut rumbled again. "You, just made a big mistake! I hope your outdoor customers like hail with their breakfast, cause I'll see to it that this place has the shittiest weather in Ponyville!" Rainbow yelled as she walked out.
Maybe literally if I don’t take care of this soon.”
Rainbow resumed her awkward, clenching trot through Ponyville desperate to find a bathroom.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"
Oh, no! Not now!
"H-hey there, Scootaloo. I'm kinda in a hurry here..."
The small pegasus hopped excitedly trying to keep Rainbow's attention. "I tried doing those wing-tip push-ups you told me to, but my wings are too small. Isn't there anything else I could do to get better at flying?"
Rainbow stared at the pleading purple eyes staring back at her.
"Uhhh, you could..." Rainbow scanned the immediate area until she saw one of her friends beelining straight to her.
"I have the perfect idea. Go wing-wrestle Fluttershy! That'll help build those puny little wings and turn them into ones like these babies." Rainbow said, flapping her powerful wings.
Scootaloo's eyes lit up excitedly. "Yeah! I can totally wing-wrestle with Fluttershy! I'm sure she'd help me get stronger! Thanks, Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow gave a sneaky grin as Scootaloo intercepted the timid pegasus. With all due haste, Rainbow resumed her power walk further into Ponyville. Passing by Carousel Boutique, she got an idea.
I bet Rarity will let me drop this load at her place.
She tried pushing on the door, but it wouldn't budge. Looking through the window, she saw enough inside to tell the lights were dimmed, and the premises empty.
Crap! I should’ve just said yes! At least I would’ve been able to take care of this!
Rainbow stepped away from the door in dismay. She scanned the nearby houses until one in particular caught her eye. In front of the house a cream colored earth mare sat in the sunlight. Rainbow strolled across the street nonchalantly.
"Hey Bon-Bon! I need a really big favor!"
The earth pony's eyes widened in terror. She jumped up like she was on fire and dove into her house, locking the door behind her.
Rainbow rushed to the door while being careful not to unclench her rear muscles. "Oh c'mon Bon-Bon, It's an emergency!" The pegasus pleaded while knocking on the door.
"The last time I let you use my toilet, you clogged it up and let it overflow without telling us!" The earth pony yelled back.
"Sheesh, I said I was sorry! I just need a place let it out real quick! I promise I won't ever ask again. Just please let me use your can!"
"No way! Go find somepony else's toilet to destroy, you bizarre crap monster!"
Rainbow briefly considered dropping her chocolate waterfall right on Bon-Bon's doorstep, but thought better of doing so in public. Disappointedly, she turned away from the door to find another possible place to deuce.
"Hi there!"
Rainbow gasped in surprise causing her to nearly spill her load.
"Pinkie Pie! What the hay? You almost made lose it!" The pegasus complained.
"Lose it? Lose what?" Pinkie Pie asked innocently.
"Pinkie, I... I need to find a bathroom, and quick!"
Pinkie turned her head like a lost bird. "You need to find a bathroom? I don't get it. How is finding a bathroom going to keep you from losing something?"
Rainbow slapped her face. “No, Pinkie. I'm trying to find a bathroom so I can lose something."
The pink pony blinked in confusion.
"I've got The Trots, Pinkie!" Rainbow exclaimed.
A knowing smile spread across the pink mare's face."Ohhhh, I get it! Don't worry, I'll help you find a toilet in two shakes of a Pinkie's tail!"
Pinkie Pie ran over to a nearby tree and reached inside pulling out a helmet with a strobe light and the words "Diarrhea Deputy" on it. Rainbow barely had time to react as Pinkie grabbed her and held her aloft.
"Pinkie! Be gentle! I might drop it early if you squeeze me too hard!"
Pinkie paid her no mind. Instead, the pink pony ran on her back legs carrying the pegasus above her head.
"Bathroom emergency! Coming through! Clear a path everypony unless you want some chocolate rain!"
Rainbow closed her eyes and focused on keeping her cheeks clenched while Pinkie made her mad dash through town. After what felt like mere moments of crazy travel, she felt herself being lowered on the ground.
"Here we are, Dashie!"
Rainbow opened her eyes slowly to see a port 'o' potty in front of her.
"Oh sweet merciful Luna! Thanks Pinkie! I owe you one!"
Pinkie Pie giggled. "Anything for a friend like you. Later Dashie!" She exclaimed, tossing off her helmet and bounding away.
Rainbow started thinking about something nice she could do for the earth mare as she reached for the door handle and gave it a pull.
But the door didn't budge.
"Occupied." Came a low, heavy sounding voice from within, much to Rainbow's horror.
"This is an emergency! I can't hold it much longer!" Rainbow pleaded.
A low derisive grunt came from inside the crap stand along with what sounded like the turning of a page.
Rainbow fumed. With a deft kick of her back legs, she bucked the door open. There on the toilet, was a pony reading a comic book.
"You! You're the sicko that got caught fucking the the jar of jelly behind Sugarcube Corner!"
The pony's eyes shrank to the size of pinpoints. Rainbow ran over and yanked him off the toilet and looked inside and saw nothing but clean water.
"You weren't even dumping were you?" Rainbow accused angrily.
"Ummm, I,"
Rainbow was livid. She trotted over to the pony and placed her rump right over his face.
"Just wasting time in the shitter huh? Well, I've got a present for you! Taste the rainbow motherfucker!"
At long last, Rainbow finally let loose allowing the disgusting backlog in her bowels to flow. Horrid gurgling emanated from the pony under her as the flow continued unabated. Rainbow felt like she was on cloud nine after finally getting some release.
Moments later, the horrid downpour ceased, and Rainbow let out a contented moan.
"Hey Rainbow, You wouldn't happen to know why Scootaloo is wing-wrestling Flutt- oh shit!"
Rainbow Dash looked up at Twilight Sparkle's horrified eyes. "I know, right?"
"Is... is he ok?"Twilight asked, gesturing to the shit covered pony.
"With any luck, no." Rainbow wrapped a friendly hoof around Twilight, leading her away from the atrocity.
"Come on, let's go get a milkshake at Sugarcube Corner. My treat."
Ponies had begun to gather outside of the port 'o' potty. Not because they needed to use it, but to see exactly what the commotion was about. The blue pony, now mostly brown thanks to the layer of dried shit caked in his coat, stared into the sky.
"This is the best day of my life."